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Welcome to less is more. No wait...
Well, fuck, here we are. Can't say I haven't been hanging to get to this update. I am so far beyond (mentally) exhausted its ridic. This has been a hard year that took more than it gave. And not just lame, annoying shit like can't get the coffee beans I like because there was a flood somewhere. Major life stuff went south with alarming regularity. Not for not trying either; it was always some external factor intervening to fuck my shit up. Ultimately, I suppose you just have to laugh and pick yourself up because what's the alternative? Despite obliterating me for a good couple of days, getting COVID wasn't even the worst of it. Okay maybe it was in the top 5 but 2022 had far bigger "fuck you's" in store. I spent a bit of time wondering who I'd pissed off which made me think back to way back when. I'm only going to describe this in general terms here because it's a very long story and this update is massive but once upon a time, I wasn't happy with my life, some bad shit happened (no fault of my own!) and it forced a course correction. It was a long road but eventually I was happy with my life and it all stemmed from the bad thing (general enough for ya?). So that's what I'm putting it all down to - see the signs, make changes before something else does.
Moving on. My favourite joke all year was Amber Heard being called Amber Turd after it came out she'd taken a dump on Johnny Depp's pillow. The saddest shit that happened was the death of Shane Warne.
As always, there was TV to keep me distracted and I'd be failing you all by not telling you what you need to immediately watch AFTER finishing the update. First up, don't listen to the haters, Andor was a masterpiece. Secondly, Better Call Saul was epic and showed us how a series should end... unlike Ozark whose ending sucked so hard it ruined everything that came before. Thirdly, I discovered The Capture. Absolutely riveting Brit drama. And finally, Severance had me hooked from the get go.
Alright let's do some Top 5's. It never ceases to amaze me what makes you guys' purr. Putting aside the staggering number of views the videos get, its fascinating what will actually come out on top. Beginning with the MOST VIEWED PORN VIDS, these are absolutely worth a watch or rewatch...
The MOST VIEWED SEXY/NSFW VIDS is up next and they ooze brilliance. These generally involve naked females in some way and are, well... I'll let you work it out...
The MOST VIEWED GENERAL (NOT PORN!) VIDEOS is mostly everything else and make up a greater chunk of an update. There are 80-100 vids posted each week multipled by 48 updates so topping out in this category must make them kind of special.
By far my favourite category is every single dontwatchthis video. The fucked up (usually sexual) stuff people do is something I constantly look forward to. Here we go with the MOST VIEWED 'DON'T WATCH THIS' VIDEOS...
The MOST VIEWED GALLERIES is in some ways seems quite predictable. You dudes skew strongly to vaginas and voyeurism. Well come on in!!
Rounding us out are the MOST POPULAR RANDOM SHITE'S. No matter what else gets posted in an update, or how many clicks it does or doesn't get, RS is a perennial favourite. These were the most clicked in 2022.
And with that, now seems like a pretty good time to get cracking with the final update for the year. I'll take this chance to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who surfed on by, contributed or in some way participated. It all spurns me to try and go better and bigger each week. Let's do this. Check it...
A jockey is riding the favourite at a Boxing Day meeting. He rounds the last bend in the lead when he is struck on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He composes himself and regains the lead only to be hit by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies. Again, he regains the lead and is struck by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding this totally distracts him and he only manages to finish second. He immediately went to the race stewards and complained that he had been seriously hampered.
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Earlier this month, my wife dropped a heavy hint as to what she wants for Christmas. She said that she dreamt that I had given her a diamond necklace as a present and wondered what the meaning of the dream was. I can't wait to see the delight on her face come Christmas morning when she unwraps her present - a copy of the book 'The Meaning Of Dreams'.
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Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are about to engage in a lightsabre duel, when Vader suddenly whispers "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas". Luke ignores him and continues to prepare for the fight. Vader whispers again "Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas". Luke lowers from his attack stance and asks "Okay, what are you going on about?" Vader says "I can sense your presents".
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I said to the wife "Sorry, I'm only going to be able to buy you something small for Christmas". Wife with a smile "How about frilly knickers?" "Are you deaf? I said something small".
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Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie... Hans down.
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At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for the next 365 days. The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days. The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said "I'm fed up with this constant bickering!"
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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said "He's in heaven". Mary was called on and answered "He's in my heart". Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said "Well... every morning, my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
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This Christmas naughty children will be given $1 coins instead of an expensive lump of coal.
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Last night whilst watching TV, Dave said to his wife "You know what? You're the absolute double of Jennifer Aniston". She gave him a cheeky grin and said "Really?" He said "Yes, sweetheart, she's 9 stone and you're 18''. Doctors say Dave should be home in time for Christmas.
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Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.
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A little boy about nine or ten, was sitting on Santa's lap. Santa pointed his finger in the boy's face, and said "George I know what you want for Christmas! A T-O-Y". "Nope!" replied George. Then again, pointing his finger in the boy's face "You want C-A-N-D-Y". "Nope!" replied George. "Then just what the hell do you want?" ask Santa. George looked Santa in the face, pointing his finger "I want some P-U-S-S-Y! And don't tell me that you don't have any. Because I can smell it on your fingers!"
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It's Christmas time and Bill and Joe decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Joe brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Bill to look at it. "Well, Bill, what do you think?" "Sorry, Joe, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon another nice tree, Joe brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Bill?" "Not quite, Joe. Let's keep looking". This goes on until nightfall. Both Bill and Joe are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Bill, what do we do now?" "Joe, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."
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At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in
hand, singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
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This year, K-Mart is selling Christmas decorations in the second aisle of the housewares section. Aisle B, Home for Christmas.
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Due to the economic crisis, my dad decides to save money this year by shopping for a smaller Christmas tree. As he proudly places it on the checkout desk the cashier asks "Are you going to put this little tree up yourself?" to which my dad answers "No I'm not you disgusting bitch! I'm going to put it in the living room!!"
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A woman came home to her husband after a busy day of Christmas shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year'". Perplexed, he asked "Why did you do that?" "Well" she replied "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year's!"
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Was thinking of purchasing some vacant real estate near my house so my wife could begin gardening after the holiday season. But she said "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
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With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends. This past Saturday, I was out on a pre-Christmas evening with long-lost friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by a few boiler makers and imports. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, there was a police road block on the freeway, but since it was a cab, they waved me past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it, and now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it!
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What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common? They don't hang themselves.
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When her husband arrived home early from work on Christmas Eve, the wife hurriedly opened the bedroom window and instructed her lover to jump out the window. "What, are you crazy?" said her lover "This is the thirteenth floor". "Just jump" said the wife "This is no time to be superstitious".
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I'm going to hire Eminem to wrap my Christmas gifts this year. I heard that he is a very good rapper.
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It's Christmas eve, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. "Please let me in" says the man desperately "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one!" "Okay" says the butcher "let me see what I have left". He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That one is too skinny. What else have you got?" says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh, no" says the man "That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them!"
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My wife gave me anal sex for Christmas. It was the shittiest gift I ever received.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She replied "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace". So, I brought her nothing.
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Grandma phoned out of the blue, inviting herself to stay with her daughter and family over the Christmas break. On arrival at her daughter's home, her grandson greeted her excitedly announcing "Now that you are here, we have everything". "Whatever do you mean?" asked grandma. "Well, after you called, dad announced 'Great, that's all we need!'"
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I've decided to release a Christmas single called 'Duvet Know It's Christmas Time'. It's a cover version.
ORSM VIDEO
There was once a very rich old lady you had three children - two daughters and a son.
This lady had become very lonely of late as her youngest, the son, had just left for university and her daughters both had high paying but very demanding jobs.
Then Christmas came along and her daughters decided that they would get her a dog to help with her loneliness.
On Christmas morning they brought in the dog. The woman instantly fell in love and was delighted to see that they had bought a collar of solid gold for it as well. However, as the dog was only a puppy it was not yet strong enough to use it.
A few years pass and winter time comes around again. The whole family is coming round so she takes the dog for a walk in the morning. Now she is very excited as this is the first time she has used the collar and it looks amazing on him so she takes him on a short walk around the village pond.
After a while she lets the dog of the leash and it runs of across the frozen pond. She doesn't worry as the dog did the same thing yesterday and was fine so she sits down on a bench and watches. But then after a while the ice under the dog brakes. The lady still isn't too worried as the dog could swim and should be able to get out, but after a minute she starts panicking and wondering what's wrong. Then she realises the collar, it's very heavy and might make the dog sink.
The lady is horrified and immediately shouts for help.
At first nobody responded but then a homeless man who she walked past everyday but never noticed gets up and runs towards the water before diving in. After a few tense seconds he emerges with the dog under-arm and placed him on the shore.
The lady rushes over and checks to see if the dog is alright before thanking the man profusely. She was so relieved and asked the man if there was anything he wanted as a thank you. The man, after trying to turn her down, eventually admitted that he had always wanted to go on a cruise. She immediately agrees and offered to take him home so he can clean himself up.
He gratefully agreed and walks to the woman's house. When they arrive, she unlocks the door and directs him to the bathroom for him to clean himself up. Whilst he is cleaning himself up her family arrived and she explains what happened.
The family, who were all very thankful to the man, agreed that they should take him out to lunch with them so off they went and all had a great time. They of course found the man to be very kind and caring and all expressed their gratitude so discussed on what cruise he should go on that night.
When they got home, they all searched for cruises until they found and amazing 6 month, 7 content cruise that had loads of activities and fun places to stop and explore so they booked it and he was to set sail in 3 days.
During that time the family included him in all their activities and treated him as one of their own and he really enjoyed himself.
Finally, the day came and he was dropped off at the dock and found his way to the ship that was set to become his home for the next 6 months. However, as he approached, he was stopped by the captain on the ship who, thinking him a beggar, asked him to leave. The man then showed the captain his ticket and the captain was very apologetic, even offering to give the man a private tour of the boat.
As the man looked around, he was shocked by the countless of things to do on the boat. From squash courts and table tennis tables to clubs and bars, the boat seemed to have everything.
And then they got to the swimming pool. The man looked up longingly at the diving board and quickly asked the captain if he could have a swim suit so the captain gave him one. He then quickly got changed and climbed onto the diving board before jumping of doing a perfect double backflip and landing in the water with barely a splash. The captain was amazed and immediately offered the man the job as an entertainer on the cruise ship.
The homeless man, clearly thrilled, accepted gratefully.
5 years passed and the man had become a worldwide sensation winning Olympic medals and breaking a few Guinness World Records until one day he decided to try his greatest trick yet.
The day came and he was standing there next to the captain on top of a 3-mile-high diving board. The crowd merely specks beneath them. The captain asked if he was sure he wanted to do this. Determined, the man proceeded to the edge of the board without another word taking the backpack from him and prepared to jump.
All around the world people watched. Even the kind old lady and her dog were watching on their TV as the man jumped.
As he was falling, he began doing his tricks: making a cup of tea, juggling even flying through flaming hoops. Then he approached the swimming pool of the cruise ship and went straight through the bottom, through the deck, through the rooms of the surprised people below, through the tennis court and out the bottom of the boat.
Everyone was devastated. The entire deck of the ship broke into sobs and tears.
The captain walked to the side of the ship to cry against the railing. However, over the side of the boat, to his shock, he saw the man calmly doing backstroke in the water. In disbelief he asked the man how he survived. The man responded "Well you see, I've been through a lot of hard-ships in my life".
Christmas Am's previously: #32 - #31 - #30 - #29 - #28 - #27 - #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19
#18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>
ORSM VIDEO [CHRISTMAS EDITION]
Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point.
So in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.
Eventually, he realised that it wasn't just him - the reindeer were tired, his sleigh was starting to look a bit run-down, and even the magic that kept him alight wasn't as strong as it used to be.
But then, he discovered that the diversity of the world, itself a wonderful thing, was just what he needed. Each part of the world seemed to have an affinity for a different part of his operation. And so, on his journey, he would periodically pit-stop and recharge, tune-up, re-energise, before taking to the skies again.
Northern and Western Canada he found to be full of tundra-dwelling First Nations shamans who would tend to his reindeer lovingly.
In various locations in the Orient he found the peaceful tranquillity of meditating on Zen Kōans to be just the healing salve his weary soul required.
In the Middle East, he found amazing storytellers who were just as good at listening, for those times when his journey seemed so lonely.
Denmark, known for its fine furs, always kept his red outfits tip-top, and Santa warm and comfy.
And the craftspeople of Germany were expert at getting the best performance out of his sleigh.
One Christmas Eve, after getting his sleigh-blades sharpened, and his sleigh seat re-upholstered, Hans, master craftsman, joined him in a prayer "Bless this sleigh, and bless the man would uses it to bring joy to children all over the world".
Then Hans stopped abruptly, as if realising something he had forgotten. "Santa!" he asked "you want us to check your steering apparatus?"
"No, my good friend. I bless the reins down in Africa".
RANDOM SHITE: PART I [CHRISTMAS EDITION]
A HEALTH AND SAFETY CHRISTMAS MESSAGE
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.
Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks by night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around he/she must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate personal protective equipment to account for harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the over-whelming effects of glory.
Following last year's well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion on Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is subject to hospitality guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for your to fully participate with the festive spirit.
ORSM VIDEO
| IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE |
A deeply religious man is doing a clean-up man finds a letter from his dead wife.
The man is strong in his faith wasn't shaken even when his wife died from cancer.
He opens the letter which reads "Honey, I don't know how to tell you this but I cheated. I couldn't tell you face to face, but I cheated multiple times.
"I cheated when your brother was there and you had to go to the store for milk".
"I cheated on you when your boss and his wife came for Christmas lunch. I cheated WITH your boss, and his wife and hid it from you".
"I cheated the Easter before I got sick, your grandpa knew and said nothing".
The man is extremely upset, and his faith is broken. He begins visiting prostitutes. The filthiest vile whores he can find. He starts stealing money from work and spending it on drugs and alcohol; a downward spiral that eventually sees him robbing a convenience store for money for more drugs, as he doesn't care about life anymore.
During one robbery he kills the clerk but is never caught.
Eventually he dies and appears before the Pearly Gates. Saint peter looks him up and down.
"Tut-tut. All those crimes! You're bound straight for a really nasty part of hell for all eternity... but before you go, I do have some good news".
The man looks up.
Saint Peter says "Your wife is here in heaven". The man says "But... but... how... she said she cheated so many, many times on me!" Saint Peter smiles and says "Monopoly doesn't count".
ORSM VIDEO: 100 TITTY DROPS EDITION
Titty drops might be the greatest thing. I don't know if *all* girls know just how much ripping your boobs out makes guys happy, but it does and they do.
Enjoy these 100 excellent titty drops in 1 mega compilation. Check it...
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.
If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!
ORSM VIDEO
A woman stepped into an elevator at Macy's Department store after having just purchased a new perfume called Essence of Snowy Pines.
All of a sudden as she stood in the elevator; she had an unstoppable urge to fart. Since she was alone on the elevator, she let rip a long and loud stinker.
Suddenly; the elevator slowed for the next floor. She thought quickly and sprayed some of her new perfume to mask the odour.
The door opened and a drunk staggered into the elevator. He leaned against the wall for support and began sniffing the air.
The woman smiled and said "How do you like the scent of my new perfume?" The drunk took another sniff and slurred "It smells like someone shit a Christmas tree".
This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him "You won't believe what this parrot Chess can do. He's wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000".
"That's pretty steep" he replies. "What's so amazing about these songs?" "Well, he sings Christmas carols on demand. Watch this, if I hold a match under his left foot..."
The shopkeeper lights a match and holds it under the parrots left foot, and it starts singing "Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la..."
"He's pretty good!" says the man. "That's not all, if I hold a match under his right foot..."
"Siiiilent niiiggghtt... hooooly niiiiggght" sings the parrot.
"Wow, what a great voice" remarks the man. "But what if you hold the match between his feet?"
The parrot squawks "Chess nuts roasting on an open fiiiiirrrre..."
ORSM VIDEO
THE TWELVE DAYS OF AGNES
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!
With truly the deepest love, Agnes
December 15, 2022
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.
With all of my love, Your Agnes
December 16, 2022
Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised - what more should I expect from such a nice person!?
Love, Agnes
December 17, 2022
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18, 2022
Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love, Agnes
December 19, 2022
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.
Cordially, Agnes
December 20, 2022
Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21, 2022
Okay wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
December 22, 2022
Hey loser,
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbours are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
December 23, 2022
You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!
One who means it!
December 24, 2022
Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied - you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy, Agnes.
December 25, 2022
The Law Offices of Badger, Rees, and Yorker
Chicago, Illinois
Dear sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Holstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Holstein at Happy Daze Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Badger, Rees, and Yorker
RANDOM SHITE: PART II [CHRISTMAS EDITION]
ORSM VIDEO
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained "It's a doll". "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran" Jay, my brother said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realised this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
A man goes to the world's biggest mall.
The mall had 3 floors, but the second floor was the biggest; since the first was underground.
He was Christmas shopping, and was hoping to get gifts for each of his family members.
First, he went to the purse store. There were many purses, but he saw the most beautiful purse that his mum would like. But how expensive it was! He could not afford it.
He marked it on his phone.
Next, he went to the Lego store for his son. He was going to get him so many Legos! He loaded up with as many Lego sets as he could carry, but then he calculated and realised in no way could he afford them. It had been a rough year after all.
He marked it on his phone.
Next, he went to the stuffed animal store. He was going to spoil his daughter with something cuddly but of course got carried away - his arms were full of adorable stuffed animals until he realised that he couldn't afford them; not a single one!
He marked it on his phone.
On the way to his next store, he saw a stunning new Corvette. It had all the options and the colour was one he knew his dad would love. But he was poor and it was never going to happen.
He marked it on his phone.
Lastly, he went to the jewellery story. He wanted to get a necklace for his wife, but he wasn't able to buy it, for it was too expensive.
Walking out of the store, defeated, he saw a line. He looked at what they were lining up for. The world's strongest man was punching people, and if you weren't knocked out, you could win a million dollars.
He decided to get in line.
Eventually he was next up when he thought to himself "What am I doing here? I'm in a stupid punchline in a huge story! I'm wasting my time".
RANDOM SHITE: PART III [CHRISTMAS EDITION]
Peter woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Mary" he moaned "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse" she said, her voice oozing scorn "You made a complete fool of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face".
"He's an arsehole anyway" Peter said "I could piss on him". "You did" came the reply "And he fired you!"
"Well, FUCK HIM then!" said Peter. "I did" said Mary "That's why you're back at work on Monday".
ORSM VIDEO [CHRISTMAS EDITION]
An old friend called asking to borrow $350 so she could pay her rent before Christmas.
I told her I'd have to check and see how much I had in the bank and I'd call her back.
A few moments later her cousin called and asked if I'd heard from Barb. I explained she had called asking for money to pay for her rent. Her cousin said that she was lying that the money she was needing was to bail her boyfriend out of jail where they'd be under the same roof for the holidays.
Frustrated, I hung up and thought for a minute and thinking about the holidays.
I called Barb back and told her to come get the money.
A couple hours after she left she called from the jail and asked WTF I was thinking giving her counterfeit money.
I told her she wanted to be with her boyfriend for Christmas I was just helping her out.
Previously: CARLI - AUDREY - GRETTA - MATHEA - SILVER - ELIZABETH - LOTUS- NICOLE - VERA - LUCY - MORE >>
Terry had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in the highlands as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from up the road. Having Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..." "Great" says Terry "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you".
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn ya... there's gonna be some drinkin'". "Not a problem" says Terry "after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em".
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too". Terry says "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again".
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too". "Now that's really not a problem" says Terry, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there".
"By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us".
RANDOM SHITE
Previously: 8th Dec. - 1st Dec. - 17th Nov. - 10th Nov. - 3rd Nov. - 27th Oct. - 20th Oct. - 13th Oct. - MORE >>
| PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW |
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer the final question - worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion" the show's smiling host intoned "name two of Santa's reindeer".
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently "and... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive'?!?"
"You know" the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive* the other reindeer..."
ORSM VIDEO
Well folks, that's it, that's all. Hopefully this update delivered everything you needed it to. I'll be back next year to do it all again...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Guaranteed to keep you occupied in ways you didn't know you could be.
-Next update will NOT be next Thursday. Orsm will be back on the 12th of January. Seems like a long way off but it'll fly by.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll cancel Christmas. I have the power to do that now.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Merry Christmas. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
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