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February 2002...
orsmupdate 2002.02.28-5.47

Welcome to another update of this, my very own piece of real estate on the world wide web. If you're new to this thing then I can almost guarantee you hours upon hours of stuff to keep your attention. First place to start would be the Priceless section, then probably a trip into the archives. I've also managed to add a few vids this week that are sure to please the Aria Giovanni fans.

Nothing too exciting to report in my world at the moment unfortuantely. I've been busily trying to get a resumé happening so I can hopefully find a job come mid-year. Anyone in Perth looking for an IT/CCNA grad student by any chance... or even just someone you can kick around for a few weeks as the work experience guy? Email me.

Any fan's of old music out there? This guy dropped me an email recently and after surfing his site, I was pleasently suprised with some of the 50's and 60's music he had on offer. Definitely worth a surf...

Nokia mobile fone owners would be familiar with the constant barrage of picture sms's right? Well now you can see them all in one location...

- Nokia SMS Messages -


I'm almost excited to see there's an Ali G movie coming out soon. Looks promising although I doubt we'll see any of Ali's alter ego, Borat - the crazy reporter from Kazakhstan. You can see a trailer of the movie here...

- Ali G In Da House -

The weirdo's over at Ourbeautifullove.com have continued their email banter with Sage from twenty-volume.com after he posted allegedy negative comments in the guest book there. Read the latest here. I still can't figure out why the fark you'd waste your time making a site about that anyways? We just wanna see naked chicks!

Absolutely ridiculous albeit, quite humourous and well done. Read more.

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A Redneck calls 911:

"Hello, is this the Police?"

"Yes, What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir".

The next day, the Police Officers descend on Mike's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They curse, swear at, and apologise to Mike and leave....

The next day the phone rings at Mike's house.

"Hey, Mike! Did the Police come to your house?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Happy Birthday, Buddy."


I'm hoping that I can some how reduce the steady flow of MORE ARIA emails to me with this little combo I've knocked together for y'all. Plenty-o-Aria is the call of the day today...

If you're in search of the Aria & Kelle set of vid's... guess what!? They're all still online and ready for download. Over 110megs of pure unadulterated quality video.

- The Aria & Kelle Series -

Now to appease the insatiable amongst you... those who can't get enough of this Godess, check out some of the Aria galleries...

Aria Gallery 1 - Aria Gallery 2 - Aria Gallery 3 - Aria Gallery 4 - Aria Gallery 5

Aria Gallery 6 - Aria Gallery 7 - Aria Gallery 8 - Aria Gallery 9 - Aria Gallery 10

Tom Norgay wrote:


Ummm... okay then...

click here for more
pig in the mud

Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months. Please be conscious of the indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus. The symptoms associated with this disease are:

1. Sore throat
2. Slight headache
3. Moderate to high temperature
4. Nausea or upset stomach
5. Uncontrollable urge to fuck in the mud

This one is taken straight from the "It was so fuckin obvious it's annoying when you figure it out" barrel... hint: it's all in the wording...

I am the beginning of the end.
You can see me twice in a week, but not in a day.
Once in a year but twice in a decade.
Who am i ?

Shae Marks - Shae Marks - Shae Marks - Shae Marks - Shae Marks - Shae Marks

Shae Marks - Shae Marks - Shae Marks - Shae Marks

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you."

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

bath time lesbians

Wanna see more of Perth girl Holly Ryder? She emailed me a while back offering to do a shoot exclusively for my site but I have to come up with some $$$ to pay for it. Easier said than done. Poor old me is just a student and I NEED SIGN UP'S to some of the following sites... or just click some damn banners around the site!

- Fling Babes -

holly baby

Remember, Jesus loves you… but the rest of us think you're a Wanker! Just like these guys perhaps? Surf their sites and find out for yourself!

Toowoomba Ravers - Retnuh - Crazy Fucked Up Shit - Ace Entrance - Hate Led Zepplin - 4 Your Amusement

Sublime UK - Toe 2 Toe - Guy Links - Bad Links - Drunkadelic - Coppini

Want your site linked? Read the rules and drop me an email!

click here for more

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed.

Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar, but this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her - Melbourne.

"So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he says." "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!!"

Click for more awesomeness
latex dreams

It's amazing what they can do with Latex these days. She looks so damn real... now where do I get one for myself...

Rubber Toy - Rubber Toy - Rubber Toy - Rubber Toy

Rubber Toy - Rubber Toy - Rubber Toy - Rubber Toy - Rubber Toy

Doctor Darren had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Darren, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Darren, you're a vet...."

click here for more

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!

click here for more

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Random Shite. One of the few parts of this site that no one ever complains about. Random Shite submissions go here.

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Click for more awesomeness

Australian Frank Beauchamp admitted he was more astonished than anybody when he won our third Winter Olympic gold medal overnight in Salt Lake City.

Beauchamp confessed that he was skiing back from the pub, completely pissed, when he took a wrong turn, hit a steep ramp and accidentally won the men's freestyle aerial gold. "Mate, I was totally maggoted. A few of us had been going hard celebrating the gold to Bradders (speed skater Steve Bradbury) and Allis (Camplin) and I thought I better get on back to the lodge. But I was a little unsteady on the skis, turned left instead of right and suddenly I was in the air.

"Mate, I was surprised enough when I managed to land on my feet without discovering that some Lapland judge had given me perfect points for a triple twisting double somersault with a baroni-twist. The other judges gave me 9.5s or more and apparently that was enough to win it."

Beauchamp, 29 of Manly, had only ever skied before on learner's runs at the popular NSW ski resort of Thredbo. The Olympic judges were full of praise for Beauchamp's performance, declaring his relaxed, yet frenetic twisting and turning as "an exciting new approach to the sport of launching into the air and trying not to die". "I think he is a genuine talent. He fully deserved gold and I hope he goes on with the sport for many years. I'm sick of these clinical if expert jumps performed by the usual favourites. It was good to see somebody prepared to swing their arms around, split their skis and really try something different," said French judge Pepe le Popedo. "I was also very impressed by his innovation in adding a vocal element to his performance. The raw, gutteral use of the word 'F**K' from the moment he hit the air until he landed was very exciting."

Beauchamp is now celebrating his own gold back at the same party he originally left, with Bradders and Alisa.


Welcome to video time. Time to enjoy some of the finest filfth that the internet has to offer and all of it brought to you free, free, free by me! Don't forget that if you have any problems viewing the vid's then check the site help because you wont get an answer if you email me...

Drunk Fall In The Shower - Massive Rack - Massive Rack

Piss Bitch - Piss Bitch - Dirty Skin Cream Commercial - Clay Squirrel

... and finally, 2 vids that you just wish you could have been there for.

That concludes this week's lesson on how to do a fuckin MASSIVE update. I can safely say that i'll be back again some time soon in the not too distant future with plenty more of the same... maybe even a whole new Aria lesbian series... no promises but we'll see what happens. In the mean time, I'm going to go and enjoy day 2 of my 6 day weekend. Be good and stay off the chem's. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2002.02.22-4.31

I almost feel like I've got writers block at the moment. Not that what I've got to say is all that important and I know you all don't hang on my every word. Sat down to do an update and felt a little confused as to what it was that you guys may wanna see this week so apologies if this update blows. Whatever...

Anyways, I've been working overtime on this new design for my site. I wouldn't say it's going to be ground breakingly spectacular or anything but it'll definitely make life easier for me when it comes to updates and shit like that. I'm also planning a few other major changes that'll see give me the ability to make the site much bigger, much faster. Content is king and it's all coming.

Everyone been following the Winter Olympics? It's good to see the Aussies won 2 Gold Medals albeit by default. Most of what I've seen has been pretty lame except for that Apolo Ohno dude. Big respect for him, just unlucky he got wiped out on the home stretch for the Gold if you ask me.

I got a good laugh out of this letter. Also, I had this sent my way... never heard of this sort of thing before but wouldn't you need a shit load of alcohol in the tub to actually get any effect?

Bored at work? Need something to help ease your stress? This should help...

- Stress Tool -

If you're wondering where the last update went - you can find it here. Absolutely choc-a-block full of stuff to keep you amused. Make sure you surf the archives too. Literally thousands of pics and other random shite to keep you from being even remotely productive today.

Looking for the entire Aria & Kelle series still? Believe it or not, all 7 parts are still online. Don't forget that if you are having problems playing them then check the site help.

- The Aria & Kelle Series -


Any La Femme Nikita fans out there? Spy/terrorist drama based on a french film of the same name directed by Luc Besson that stars Australian Peta Wilson. I've pretty much been a loyal viewer since it first aired. 100% addicted. Never ever miss an episode type of deal. Such a shame that series' 3 and 4 boasted decent actors and characters, excellent music and a good story line, then seemingly to throw all that away for the final 12 episodes. Any other LFN fans out there agree/disagree...?

Peta Wilson - Peta Wilson - Peta Wilson - Peta Wilson - Peta Wilson

Peta Wilson - Peta Wilson - Peta Wilson - Peta Wilson

click here for more

Akmed came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was it?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."

click here for more

Andreas wrote:
Subject: Wanker of the Year

I'm at a red traffic light with my motorbike (CBR-900) and I'm warming it up. Some sucker in a hot-rod stops beside me, eyeing me like it's a race. I eye him back, shake my head and got on with warming up. The stupid fuck's going frantic with over-reving and then, just before the light went green, he steps on the gas and shoots forward….. and into a passing police car. The cop in the passenger seat went right through the windshield. The other two didn't even take the time to drag him out of the wreckage, they just kept punching him through the window.

Now, if somebody makes you like coppers, he's gotta be a wanker. Definitely my wanker of the year.


Every day millions of images go to your brain, but only some of these are focused. To prove this, stare at the pictures and try to find the CAR in the shortest time.

Typical Results:
- average time for the man: 12.46 minutes
- average time for the woman: 1.23 seconds

Optical Test 1 - Optical Test 2 - Optical Test 3 - Optical Test 4


<address with held> wrote:
Suject: Wanker of the year

My vote for wanker of the year goes to the monkey that did this to my car. Trashed, fucked, rooted, nuked, thrashed and slaughtered. Crazy Baby....

- Celica -

Wanna see more of Perth girl Holly Ryder? She emailed me a while back offering to do a shoot exclusively for my site but I have to come up with some $$$ to pay for it. Easier said than done. Poor old me is just a student and I NEED SIGN UP'S to some of the following sites... or just click some damn banners around the site!

porno ground - huge boobs - ultra video - titty max - anal valley - asians

Les Hardy wrote:
Subject: Wanker of the Year - Revenge


This is not an entry for Wanker of the Year, but a way to pay them back.

Next time someone is sitting right on your clack (tailgating), as you're driving along and you're in the right hand lane, when you come to an island with a turning lane in it, drift slowly into the turning lane, not all the way, just like half the car width, then at the last minute, swing back to the left and just carry on. The wanker is usually concentrating on the arse of your car trying not to hit you and cannot react quick enough and ends up going up the island collecting the keep left sign on the way and doing some damage to their front end.

Don't know where you would stand with the "Old Bill" with this one but Hey! its not your fault they're a total toss pot and cannot drive properly.

Sorry for continuing the "road rage" theme for wanker of the year, but they deserve it most, lets not go near the stupid c$%#ts with the 4WD (Toorak Tractors - didn't know a good WA euphemism for them) that pull out in front of you when the entire road behind is clear and then accelerate at the rate of a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!

Good email. Raises a lot of pertinent points. First up, I generally drive like that anyways. As a 4WD owner, I admit that I've sucumbed to the "I'm in a bigger car than you so I can do what I want" metallity but rightfully so in my opinion. If you own a big car you'll know what I mean.

As far as the stupid cunts in 4WD's comment - cant argue that. Read above. Do people not realise that it works both ways though? Have lost count of the times some wanker in front of me has jammed on the brakes at the last second to turn a corner. It's a fuck load harder to pull up 2.5 tonnes of car as opposed to some little buzz box piece of shit. One day someones going to push me too far and get a nasty suprise when I push them off the road and keep driving...


Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot

Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot

Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot - Cum Shot

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she sees that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly Teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip off each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The man says, "You can pick any prize from the bottom shelf."

click here for more

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren"

click here for more

Link Bitches... the following sites have emailed me at one time or another requesting some link action. So did this fuck stick... no link for him unfortunately...

Toowoomba Ravers - Nikki Snylons - Dance Tones - Planet Krishna - Drizunk

Ass Down - Dirty Mofo - Gun Munkys - Funny Shit - Smoking Frogs

... couple of cool 404's for y'all to check out too.

project-euh.com - 3drealms.com - spacegirl.org - hysteric.12inch.com - wrybread.com


The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well." (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husban of mines, dat I was thru pickin up his beer cans and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued, "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye."

Only In Japan - Only In Japan - Only In Japan

Only In Japan - Only In Japan - Only In Japan - Only In Japan - Only In Japan

If you're anything like me you'll love a good brain teaser. The satisfaction attained from a few minutes of stretching the brain to work out an intruiging puzzle is somthing that's hard to come by. The following 'teasers' are sure to push the limits of your genius...

Brain Teaser - Brain Teaser - Brain Teaser - Brain Teaser - Brain Teaser - Brain Teaser - Brain Teaser

Random Shite anyone? Click the links and be dazzled by some of the best crap the internet has to offer...

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "Have you farted yet?"


"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!


Secret videos were released this week sent exclusively to orsm.ii.net. The source - The Taliban in Afghanistan. Looks like they mean business this time too...

Tali-Tubbie - Tali-Tubbie

A couple, both aged 78 went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from health insurance."


As this update winds to a close I think it's only fair to continue with the free stuff onslaught and post a shit load of video. So let the onslaught begin I guess...

Ashleys Judd's Vagina Slip - The Ultimate Deodrant - Angry Bull

... and now for the more voyeuristic type video that I know you will all love.

Public Fuck - Daring Upskirt - Hidden Shower Cam

Jessica Biel. You probably know her from everybodys television favourite [puke], '7th Heaven'. She's the bad-girl just begging to be undressed and seduced like the Priest's daughter that she is. Here she is scantily clad for your sinfull eyes...

- Jessica Biel -

Tiz all from me, folks. Hope you've enjoyed the plethora of free shit and managed to kill a few minutes. I've got a stack of Priceless Pics that i'll add next update so check back soon. Until then - be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to vote! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2002.02.11-20.33

What a fuckin huge update this is. I hope you all enjoyed the long page load time but how else could I give you this much content? I guess if it worried you that much you wouldn't have gotten as far as reading this sentence eh!?

Anyways, been a busy as fuck week or so. House-sitting and back at school as of last Monday. Seems they have screwed us again with 4 hours of Project Management classes each week but they always do that. Thankfully most of my other classes don't suck as much. Cisco 3 looks pretty cool though. We've been given some huge assigment to do so if anyone has done it in the past feel free to email it my way.

Just about every man and his dog that has a website seems to have an Amazon.com Wishlist these days and from what I can tell, it's mostly just the infamous realm of camgirls that actually seem to do okay from them. That is until a couple of weeks ago when I recieved an email from a dude saying that he was more than grateful for the Aria & Kelle series I had posted and wanted to show his appreciation with a gift. I pretty much forgot all about it and next thing I know - a package arrives in the mail. Woohoo! Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels on DVD. To the dude in the UK [sorry mate deleted the email before the gift arrived!]- BIG UP for ya, mate... it made my day.

- Buy Orsm Something Nice -

I keep getting asked by other webmasters how in the hell to make money from their site. It's simple - check out this page for all the info you need and start earning cash right away.

I'm getting bombarded by you guys with email. Not complaining - keep sending it. I read it all but apols if you don't get a reply - I just don't have the time. Here's a couple I got that are worth a read...

Email To Dave Of The Daves Web Services Fame - The Truth About Ian Van Dahl

AOL has released a whole bunch of new [or whatever they are] for use with their software.

- All New AOL Emoticons -

... and for those that can read.

If Men Wrote For Cosmo - Travelling On The London Tube

Click for more awesomeness

Wanna see more of Perth girl Holly Ryder? She emailed me a while back offering to do a shoot exclusively for my site but I have to come up with some $$$ to pay for it. Easier said than done. Poor old me is just a student and I NEED SIGN UP'S to some of the following sites... or just click some damn banners around the site!

porno ground - huge boobs - ultra video - titty max - anal valley - asians

Last update I posted an email from a chick named Mary who wanted some help getting back at her weird-ass cross-dressing thieving piece of shit EX. Here's an update:

Mary Gagne wrote:

Wow, what a rush! I've had over 11,000 hits since you mentioned my website on orsm! But unfortunately, I've had to shut my site down for now, for legal reasons. That sucks. So anyway, it's no longer available. I really appreciate the mention on your site, and the feedback it generated helped me see I'm not crazy to think my situation is fucking nuts.

Again, many thanks,


Ah yes... another loser successfully fucked over. Next please! What in fuck is the thrill in dressing up in womens clothing [if you are a guy] anyways? That's one fetish i'll never understand. Here's another lady who's got a similar sort of problem... I love this stuff!

- I Can Still Tell Your Wife, Bill -

Greg Norman. Pretty much everyone knows who he is. To refresh those of you who don't - he's an Aussie pro-golfer [that never seems to win tournaments] who is worth an absolute shit load.

Anyways, for the last 2 years now he's been having his new toy built right here in my home town of Perth. What is it? A big shiny dick or as it's known - a boat. Check out some of the stats on it:

  • 4 storey's tall, 70m in length and weighs 900-tonnes.
  • Worth between AU$60 and $80 million.
  • Own Cinema, Gym, Barbeque, Observation Lounge, Bar, Jacuzzi and 4m by 3m heated swimming Pool.
  • Carries 48,800 litres of fresh water in four tanks.
  • Designed to house 12 guests and 14 crew.
  • A fleet of Jet-Ski's.
  • Scuba-Diving facilities including 32 divetanks, two compressors, 30 wetsuits, snorkelling gear, a tank-refilling station, an inflatable decompression chamber for emergencies, and space for a mini submarine, submersible or driving range.
  • Capable of travelling 14,800km non-stop at a cruising speed of 29km/h carrying 220,000 litres of fuel in seven tanks.
  • Will cost AU$2 million a year to run.
  • Norman has two representatives, his Captain and Engineer, permanently stationed at the shipyard to give him daily updates on the yacht's progress.

I feel a strong need to post this joke considering that the Kiwi's cheated in the Cricket 1-Day series, thus keeping the Aussies out of the finals. For all you New Zealander's out there who are going to email me saying that they didn't - don't bother because EVERYONE knows it's true...

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are traveling by train to a cricket match at the WACA. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Kiwis. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Kiwi. Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the three Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."




While I'm on the sporting theme of things - who the fuck is Marat Safin... and how fuckin good are the little hotties that he has following him around to his tennis match appearances?

Fanfare - Fanfare - Fanfare - Fanfare - Fanfare - Fanfare - Fanfare

Have had quite a few submissions for the Wanker of the Year since last update. By the way - they don't necessarily have to be car related although I've got a few that I can add myself, namely the loser that I was driving behind a couple of days ago that almost ended up with 2 tonnes of my car up his arse. When will people learn that blacking out your tail lights DOES NOT make them look better and only serves to make it impossible to see indicators and brakes? Once again it was another Commodore driver. Anways, keep the submissions coming!

DKS wrote:
Subject: RE:wanker of the year (SCHMKR)

On one of my frequent visit's to your site, I have to say i was blown away by the submission of Gordon Black (1st WOTY).

I've found my soul mate. Yes i too have had to share the road with this cocksnot on a few occasions, and his driving antics have made him my "fantasy" road rage victim. What i would suggest (if i may) is that you keep this peckerhead on your site as a benchmark for others to see, and try to exceed.

Here's another wanker worthy of mention, another commodore incidently! Sticker on the back window reading: "built tuff to attract muff". Going by the appearance of the car it should read: "looks rank and attracts skank"

Long Red wrote:
Subject: Wanker Payback!

I live in the US, in Minnesota. Yes it's friggin cold here, and we finally got a dose of the snow we're famous for. But only after raining first, then freezing.

Here's the story. I was traveling down the expressway, going slower than the posted limit, because it was slipperier than shit, and who's trying to mate with my trailer hitch? Some little bimbo in a red (aren't they always red) sports car. Of course she's on the cell phone, clutching a mug of Starbuck's, AND checking her face in the rearview!

Ahead of me is a Tractor-Trailer rig, with about a 1/2 meter of snow blowing off the trailer, and some pretty congested traffic. Here's the good part! She gets fed up with me (I'm in the right hand lane, the slow lane), blasts around me, nearly losing it in the process, and starts mating with the ass end of the semi-truck.

The trucker flashes his brake lights to tell her to "back off", but just about now a sheet of ice and snow (the size of a pool table) breaks loose off the roof of the trailer, slides off and clobbers her! It covered the entire car! All of this at 55 MPH! Needless to say she lost it, and did a few 360's right into the ditch, and wound up on her side, having to climb out of the passenger window!

Yes, there is a supreme being, and He/She deals out punishment from time to time! By the way, nobody else got collected in this wonderful piece of payback!



2400 BPS - Grape Shot - Hole In The Net - College Humor - Specail Ed - Drinking Hard

Makes Me Angry - Jewish Curt - Mindless Conformity - Stylin With Streak - Harry Lime TV

All I wanna know is who got high on Crack and sent me this email...? Her pic reminds me of one of those fine for-export Brides that Russia has on offer to the world.

Alia 69 wrote:
Subject: hiiiiiiiiiiiii its me

hi its me iam from uae and i like to mek frined with you if you dont miend and plz can you send to me movie and fun pic and sex pic

- Alia -

It's amazing what you can do with a copy of Bryce 3D. These little women look so God-Damn real!

Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D

Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D - Bryce 3D

Click for more awesomeness

A blonde calls her boyfriend and pleads, "Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, but I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

click here for more

Judging from the mail I get from you guys regarding women, I am starting to get an idea of what you like to ogle. The want list usually goes something along the lines of must be female, have breasts, and have female genitalia. This being the case I think this lovely lady will definitely impress. It's apparently meant to be Tiger Woods' girlfriend...

click here for more

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

click here for more

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveler, "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveler duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveler was soon tucking into an appetising meal; the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.

"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."


A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The battery and the jump leads take a seat while the bra goes up to the bar.

The bra says to the barman "Three pints of Stella please" "Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you" "Why not?" asks the bra "Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something".


Bob Bin Laden - Bob Bin Laden - Bob Bin Laden - Bob Bin Laden - Bob Bin Laden


If I were to ask you what kind of Shite needs no introduction, you'd undoubtedly answer with "Random Shite, Orsm! Random Shite needs no introduction", and you would be pretty damn correct so click the damn links and check it out!

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Continuing on with the final couple of Boob vids plus a tonne of other stuff, I proudly bring you this weeks video.

Runner Boobs - Ride On Top - Huge Jubblies - The Cum Spit

Why You Should Practice Anal Sex - Public Indecency - Fist Deluxe

These 2 women are absolutely gorgeous and I'm quite sure that you'll agree...

- Paris -

The final 2 videos now... firstly is a clip of a Toyota Supra on the Dyno. Needs sound for full effect.

- 874HP Toyota Supra -

Secondly, is a cheeky little dude chasing a bit of skirt... doesn't seem to deal with rejection too well either. Very funny.

- Horny Little Dude -

By the way the Aria & Kelle vids are still available. Probably not going to be for much longer though so grab them now before it's too late! You can find them here...

Click for more awesomeness

On that note, I'm outta here. Got something you wanna say? Check out the lame forum or drop me an email. Oh and don't forget to vote to show your appreciation! Until next time, folks - be good and stay off the chems. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2002.02.02-7.37

As most of the regular visitors to the site will know, I dont usually do REALLY short updates but I had to post this little gem asap. It's all about a silly little boy who gets caught cheating whilst playing Counter Strike... Moral of the story - don't fuckin cheat!

- Unlucky, Cheater! -

Have a nice weekend, people. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Click for more awesomeness