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February 2004...
orsmupdate 2004.02.19-17.29
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Welcome to Orsmnet. The site for guys whom Valentines Day forgot. The site that doesn't push the envelope – it mails them. The site where you're likely to find a naked pic of someone you know. We have it all folks.

I've been wondering where time goes. Here we are again just two weeks from the last update and I can safely say that I've barely noticed it pass. It feels like 14 days have flown by with little else going on except for staring blankly at my monitor and trying to stay cool... not that I aren't already cool... I am... honestly... I meant in a temperature related sense obviously.

Much to my dismay Perth has been forced to endure a couple of 40ºC days this week which if you ask me, sucks harder than a gay man on a virgin cock. It sucks so much that due to the no-smoking inside rule at our house I've almost drop the habit completely because standing outside when it's like this isn't an option. What's even worse again is that yesterday the state government issued a warning saying anyone caught using an air conditioner will face a $1000 fine due to the states electricity grid being hammered so hard during aforementioned heatwave. As you would expect I've chosen to ignore this... running the gauntlet of a $1000 fine versus cool, comfortable serenity was well worth the risk plus I didn't vote for these guys so why should I do what they tell me huh?

The good that's come from this heat induced madness is that I've been able to spend a shit load of time doing long neglected tasks around the site. For starters we have another new Prycless gallery, Chicks And Stuff has finally been updated and I even went through the entire site archives cleaning up broken bits and pieces.

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While I think of it... I'm getting tonnes of emails asking if I'm going to and why haven't I added a 'next' link to the Random Shite pictures that are posted each update. Yes! I am well aware that it would make it easier to view them! The reason I haven't is very simple – I have limited programming skills! This is something that is high on the list of stuff to rectify this year so as always, please be patient.

Aside from the above I've been spending some time tinkering with my car. I sorted out a couple of minor stereo problems, got a few bits and pieces colour-coded and did some de-badging. All relatively minor stuff but my car [or my favourite toy as I prefer to call it] is increasingly becoming like a pimple that you can't stop picking at. I find myself constantly dreaming up more and more things to change or modify or whatever. I'm not quite at the point of unhealthy obsession just yet but it probably isn't too far off.

One last thing while I am on the subject of cars... if there's any of you guy's out there located in Perth who are up for a cruise this weekend then we'll be out this Saturday nite. You don't have to be driving a show car to attend but all we ask is that you don't be a dickhead. All welcome. More info @ UltimateCruises.org.

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but I was far from right. Check it for yourself at TeenRave.org.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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The Bush Presidency - Marketing Methods - Asian Porn - Paranoid Propaganda - Imagination

NoS N00b - Knee Surgery - William Hung - Beer Hunter - Torpedo Fun - Hypnotise - Dolphin Dash

On the off chance you haven't seen them yet, here are a few happy snaps shot by an American soldier moments after Saddam was finally captured in December. Amazing really - without the advent of digital cameras [and ofcourse the internet] we'd never get to see any like this...

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An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're e all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

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A New Zealander, an Aussie and a South African were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled carton of beer. All of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the beer, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Kiwi was next up (he almost finished a stubbie), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Aussie was the last one up (he had finished off the carton), but before the Aussie could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful country, your Cricket team is the best in the world, your footballers are terrific and your women are very sexy. For this, you may have two wishes!".

"Thanks mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Aussie replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?", the Sheik asks. "Please tie the New Zealander to my back."

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One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven. He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking. Before long a beautiful redhead walks by. "Man, I'd sure like to fuck that!" "This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud." His new friend replied.

So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it. Then another hot lady walks by. "Geez, I'd love to bang that!" "Fine, just take her behind the white cloud." He does, and returns back to the bench.

Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by. "Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!" "OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud." He gets back and sets down. "This is great! But I really have to take a shit!" "Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies. He gets up and does a number. "What do I wipe with?" "Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.

Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs where his wife has made him breakfast. "I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife. "You're telling me! You fucked my three times, shit on the pillow, and wiped your ass with the sheets!"

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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

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An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in Winter and the second time in Summer!"


What can I say about this vid except - absolutely wild. Personally I think that any weapon capable of firing 1,000,000 rounds per minute would probably make me a little nervous. Check out the carnage... all I can say is that it's a shame they didn't use a cow as the target...

- MS 36: Insane Weaponary -

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A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches. They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an
ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy."

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn "Is this a road, or a track?" Suddenly a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the a severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself: "Darn grass hoppers!"

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Every day some new do-gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem is that we need accidents, and lots of them.

Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents. With safety, however, well intentioned idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles.

Let's do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking. Don't cross on a Zebra crossing. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Poke ear-buds right into your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto.

Future generations will thank you.

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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me." Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?" God said, "Go down into that valley." Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river." Adam said, "What's a river?" God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..." Adam said, "What is a hill?" So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave" Adam said, "What's a cave?" After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman." Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce." Adam said, "How do I do that?" God first said (under his breath), "Geez..." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?".

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At 85 years of age, Morris marries Nicole, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, Nicole decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Nicole prepares herself for bed, and waits for the expected knock on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, where upon Morris takes leave of Nicole, and she prepares to go sleep.

After a few minutes, Nicole hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Nicole consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Nicole, bids her a fond goodnight, and leaves Nicole to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I'm really impressed that at your age, honey, you're still capable of that. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Nicole and says, "You mean I was here before?"


A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total grade. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the grade." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? It's the web's only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, check out the Voyeur Dorm, watch Snoop Dogg fuck bitches while he raps about it, and even download the Paris Hilton video all for free. Plus they've got tons of streaming full-length porn movies. And all you need is an email addresss to join! Shit, they'll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé, marries her and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here." Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!!!!!!!!!"

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

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The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!"

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "the fucking funeral director?".

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Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

A salesman is visiting Hollywood California and checks into a local motel. As he was checking out the next morning, the desk clerk noticed that he looked a bit frazzled. He asked "Sir was everything O.K. with your room?"

He angrily replies "Was everything OK!!! l get woke up at 2:00 in the morning with this huge cowboy sitting on my chest holding a pistol to my head who tells me if l don't suck his dick he's gonna blow my fucking head off!"

The desk clerk is shocked and asks, "What did you do?" The salesman's reply, "Did you hear any shootin'?"

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body".

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation." "I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

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As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Absolutely shit loads of mail pouring in from every direction lately which I usually quite enjoy. I'm usually need to set a side a day once every couple of weeks to go through it all... whcih should shed some light on why most of you don't get replies or why a reply takes so long. Regardless, keep it coming any time you like... same as these people did...

Craig wrote:
Subject: how could you?
As an avid orsm viewer for the last 2 years or so I was eager to view your new update only to log on to the How Could You ? link. What a kick in the ass. After reading that awesome slap in the face I had to log off for the night because it just kicked my ass!!!I'm no pussy but it grabbed me good. Dumb ass people that take home animals only to put them in a corner after there interest is over should be shot. I was able to log on again the next day. Great site I enjoy that you can run the gamut of issues ,jokes and porn. Never disappointed!!!

Quite a few people were touched by this. It was a sad story and obviously all too common. -Orsm

nbillard wrote:
Subject: The Clinton Scam
While I agree mostly with the fourteen "thank you"s in the Bill and Hillary section, I have to correct what is just complete bullshit regarding the pensions the Clintons will draw from their respective political positions.

1. Bill will not receive his full salary in retirement, ever.What he does receive is equal to a cabinet member's salary. True, that's still well over 100K a year, but well short of the presidential salary.
2. Hillary could never receive her full salary in retirement, regardless of how long she served or how old she was when she retired. The maximum for any member of Congess under any circumstances (32 years of service and at least age 60) is 80% of their final salary. If she retired after four years (the number used in the example despite the fact senators are elected to six year terms), she'd receive absolutely no pension whatsoever. If she retired after only one term, she'd receive about 8.5% of her annual salary.
3. There is no such thing as the "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan." It's an internet hoax. It doesn't exist. Members of Congress fall under the Federal Employees' Retirment System (FERS), which is the exact same system all other federal employees fall under (including me). Hillary, and every other senator, pays into her own retirement plan, as well as (despite another internet hoax) social security.

Blame the Clintons for all they've really done. I'm all for that. But give this "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan" bullshit hoax a rest. Please.

kirsten miller wrote:
Subject: Americans
I've been checking out your page for years, and i've always loved it. the porn makes it even better. I've noticed a lot of american jokes on it lately and i just want to let you know that there are a lot of people here that hate everything that's going on because of american forces just as much as the rest of the world. we're doing as much as we can to try to change/stop the things that the bush administration is doing. im not asking you to change anything or do anything different to your website. i just want to try to let you know that all americans dont suck... just all the ones in power do. thanks, and your website rocks.

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Annette wrote:
Subject: no wonder they lost the war
Well I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm on my way now to Germany to go on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" (Don't worry since I'll be a million dollars richer I'll be sure to bring you all back something! Have a look at the following clips from an episode of the German "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" For those of you who's German is a bit rusty, the question posed: "WHAT IS GEORGE W. BUSH'S FIRST NAME?"

Russ wrote:
Subject: re: Anyways I may as well dribble senselessly..........
G'Day Mate! And I thought it was only us North Americans who fracture the English language. "Anyways" ????????????????????? What's with the "s" ? Something that sticks in my craw is when I hear, "Watta' you doin' for New Years?" (Plural?????????) I thought I was the only one who actually has celebrated two New Years in one night. I was flying down to the Domican Republic one New Year(s) eve and Toronto is 1hr behind them, you see! I must come out and see my "mate" in Melbourne one year and see if I can make it 3. Don't tell me that you Aussies say "irregardless", "misch(ee)vious" (mischievous), "axe" for "ask" (it's a Black thing!) etc., as well! I'll feel right at home.

Ryan Bryn wrote:
Subject: Pictures from selling books door-to-door
Hey man, the most fucked up job I've ever had was selling books door-to-door around the city of Danville, Virginia. Coming from a farm in Dazey, North Dakota I didn't know what I was in for. I can tell ya there was a lot of cock fighting, crack, and bitches being pimped out. Here's some of my favorite memories from selling books to rednecks out in VA:

1st picture is at 8 AM on mainstreet. Saw him walking down the street and had to get a picture.
2nd picture is how people in Virginia add onto their home, cut a hole in the wall and back up the RV.
3rd picture is from a cockfight behind this guys trailer, I got him high so he showed me all kinds of shit.
4th picture is a goat I saw in Ohio, he rules.
5th picture is some Jehovah witnesses, fucked up thing is that one is giving the sign of the devil.
6th picture is just some fuckin redneck, nothing unusual here when your in southern va.
7th picture is from a trip I won for selling shit.
8th on was my sales territory, pretty nice homes eh?
Last one was a guys pickup with a bunch of "The South Was Right" dogma.

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Michael Corio wrote:
Subject: The Broken Ass
A friend of mine earlier this week slipped on his icy driveway while putting out his weekly recyclables. His driveway is rather steep and the recyclable pail was full to the limit. He went down right on his ass and bottles of Jack Daniels, Capt. Morgans, beer etc. showered him relentlessly. The moral of the story, screw saving the environment when it is cold and icy outside or your ass might end up looking like this.

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Mikey Boy wrote:
Subject: ex gf
How's it going orsm??? I've attached a couple of pics of me and an ex of mine. Keep up the good work on the site.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of co-workers (please post)
these are pics of 2 people from my job. the 1st one is of a guy that we call critters because he short,round and has a big mouth. the second one is of a new guy that we tried to make quit by taking him out to party with us and getting him so shit-faced that he would pass out and we could fuck with him. i would love it if you could post these pics.

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Ad wrote:
Subject: revenge
All hail Mr. Orsm. Ok, I emailed you a couple of months ago, about a guy from my office who had sent in a pic of me. The infamous midget in pasties. I've got a response for him, if you'd be so kind. Thanks you rule

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Mike Rammelt wrote:
Subject: Heathrow ATC transmissions for the last flight of Speedbird 2
Air Traffic Control communications for Concorde's final arrival into Heathrow... G-BOAG flew as Speedbird 002 accompanied in formation by G-BOAE and G-BOAF. Would have been great to see it landing.

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Slash wrote:
Subject: Balls at Paddington Mill
Dear ORSM, Many a fan at WASM, so keep up the good work mate. Thought you might appreciate a photo I took on field trip recently. Who honestly approves the purchase of these signs?? Buggered if I know, but it'd be a good job to have! Look forward to more of your fine work.

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theoldman wrote:
Subject: Hairy chicks
Any chance that you could find beautiful girls who do NOT shave their pussy???

There is no such thing as a beautiful girl who does not shave her pussy. -Orsm

Will Rumford wrote:
Subject: a blunt in the dark
a blunt sparked in the night... nothing more beughtiful

Sometimes it's the little things! -Orsm

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Matt Rowlands wrote:
Subject: orsmupdate 2003.12.18-23.02
Check out the guy (Bogdan Gherman) who sent you the pictures of his blonde chick. "its just my girlfriend, but I think she looks great" How modest is he? She is hot as fuck. You need to get onto him & get some more of those pics!!!! By the way, keep up the good work & all that shit. You dont really need me to tell you your site is the best, millions already have........

<with held>
Subject: no subject
mr orsm enjoy

I feel ill. -Orsm

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Flatlands wrote:
Subject: Nothing compares to midget porn.
Mr. Orsm, I really like your site, and well my buddie is totally in to migets so i thought i send this to you. I think the caption above it the boom, and fits these pic's to a tee. Rock On!

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Bootyful site! wrote:
Subject: joe bob
Hey Orsm! I just want to say, totally Orsm site you have. I've been checking it out for about a half a year now and it never fails to brighten my day a little (o.k. alot). So thanks! Well anyway so now that I've gotten the ass kissing out of the way, is'nt it obvious that I want something, (shit) is'nt that always the way? Everybody wants something for nothing these days. So I'm completely in love with your girl Holly right, and well I noticed that it's been a while since you've added any tasty new photos of her, and I've been missing her, see. So I was just wondering if there was any chance you'd be putting up any new Holly photos anytime soon, or if you knew of any other websites where I could find more photos of her? That's all, keep it real!

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An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. On getting home he announces to His wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and ronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if You came second for a change!".

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Growing bored of the Orsmnet babble? The boys and girls that run these sites all seem to think that you guy's may wanna check out their work... so go check em out!

Exp0sed - Creative Nudes - Crap On Me - Best Damn Nudes - Circle Of Addiction - Flip Sided - Sick Of Being

Fucking Up The Net - Thongs Daily - Your Dirty Mind - Skrilled - ExByte - Another Site

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

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Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I cum and one named No cum. No cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No cum tu. For velly obvious reason No cum and No cum tu not have any children. One day, No cum went out of town on business and I cum came over and spent the night with No cum tu. That night I cum came and No cum tu came too. This make both very happy. However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he named it, How cum u cum. Of course, I cum and No cum tu know How cum u cum came but to this day No cum not know how come How cum u cum came!

Cum again?


I think the best thing about Random Shite is that you never know what's coming next. It could be a sweet set of hooters or some guy eating his own shit. It's almost magical...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed, Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and I have NO cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?" Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

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A guy went to the whorehouse looking for A little fun. He asked the Madam of the house for a fuck and she said to him "How much money have you got?" "Well, I've only got 5 dollars" he said. "That won't get you a fuck, but I could give you what we call a penguin." "I'll take it." he says.

She sat him down in a chair and pulled his trousers down around his ankles and starts to give him a blow job. She watched him carefully and when he seemed ready to come she jumped up and ran out the door. In shock he jumped up with his hard on and had to waddle towards the door with his pants around his ankles and called after her "Why do they call this a penguin?!!!"


Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

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Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his local Doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it - not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. And you're a mighty big fellow for anyone to be laughing at!" "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had seen in all his years.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen!"


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue Twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh, I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'... So she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a Tongue twister too! I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you evil fat slag.'"

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An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!"

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That pretty much winds up the update for this week and what a mission it was! I'm hanging out to get to bed at least one nite this week before 3am so here's hoping. Anyway I'm outta here. Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and drop me a line if you get bored. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.02.04-23.02
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Hello there boys and girls and welcome to a brand spankin' new update which, if I may take this opportunity to say, will totally kick ass and meet the unrealistic expectations thrust upon me by a greedy internet community.

I started by jamming as much as I possibly could into it and then decided to live dangerously, take a walk on the wild side, shake my money maker and add a some more stuff to it. Believe me - we don't do things in halves around here... except for the stuff that's too hard or uninteresting of course.

Anyways I may as well dribble senselessly for a while... something I'm apparently quite good at.

Somehow this summer is turning out to be one of the best yet. The heat has generally been bearable which is a turn around from previous years. I've managed to spend the ridiculously hot days either at the dog beach checking out the bitches or at home basking under mankind's greatest invention - air-conditioning.

Social life has been a pretty much out of control too. I've absolutely no idea why so many of my friends were conceived in May [January babies] but it always takes the guess work out of how certain Saturday nites will be spent at this time of year thanks to the mandatory dinners and piss-up's.

Despite the fact I've consumed my fair share of alcohol lately I have surprisingly stayed more or less sober except for one notable occasion that prompted a fierce three hour political debate ending with my opposition being reduced to tears. There's few things better than an argument with gusto and to have it end in such spectacular fashion was quite rewarding.

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The orsm hacked saga continues and as such I can safely say I would rather be doing anything else but sitting in front of the computer worrying about it. I am soooo sick of thinking about this shit and I am soooo sick of trying to figure out how I'm supposed to sort it out whilst sitting on the other side of the world from the servers.

Big thanks to everyone who has emailed me offering advice - I probably won't reply to most of you for obvious reasons but the feedback is appreciated.

I had a blind date last night. Her name was :. .:: :.: .:. .::.

Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description.

Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over fifty thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

The Clinton Scam - How Could You? - Kozo - Bunker For Sale - 300kph XR6T - Poop On There - Pingu Returns

Smoking Kills - Drugged-Up Spiders - Back In My Day - Crazy Harmonica - Smile - Croc Hunter

Now this is something you don't see everyday - I pretty much drooled on myself when I saw them too. Imagine taking some of the finest production cars ever made and dipping them top to toe in chrome. I don't even want to consider how you would keep these babies clean though...


There's two fags inside an old abandoned house having anal sex, when suddenly one realises their out of Vaseline! So one of the fags tells the other fags he'll be back in a while, with more Vaseline, and not to jack-off. Later, when he returns, he see's cum all over the walls and floor, this angers him, and enraged he asks the other fag "why did you jack-off?" Then the other fag says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted."

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One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your Honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered thus: "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant wrote a check immediately!

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An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants!

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

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A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal, in a convertible sports car, for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse, in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

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Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana

Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana - Jana

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead, but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."


As I'm all for this sort of thing it wouldn't be right to do this update without featuring Janet Jackson's boob flash at Super Bowl. To me this represents a trend started by Britney and Madonna a few months back which we can only hope is continued by the next celebrity wishing to ramp up their declining career...

- Janet Jackson: Super Bowl Boob Flash -

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One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite peckish so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw and hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and he peered into the pond again - there was another sausage but this time it was a normal sized one so the cat reached in but this time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat looked into the pond and found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond it looked so delicious, but it was so huge that he had to actually put the whole of his body into the pond to get the sausage. He ate it and found it very tasty!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: The bigger the Sausage - the wetter the Pussy!

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically? The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"? The girl replied, "Oh my Goodness! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?!?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million bucks, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag."

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A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.

"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' you now: Save me, Lord, save me." Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."

"Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls to his death... "DUMB YANKEE!"

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Seems God was just about done with creating the Universe, but he had two extra items left over in his bag, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the items he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to Pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that?"

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh," give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a Man should be able to do. Please! Please! Pleeease! Give it to me. On and on he went, like an excited little Boy.

Eve just smiled and told God, that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to Pee while standing up. He was so excited, that he whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him for a moment, then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing, and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked. "BRAINS" God Said.

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A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kinds of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't... there are all kinds of breasts... depending on a woman's age - in her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

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A Dallas flight was coming in for a landing when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground.

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off and the Chief Pilot of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As they were talking, the Chief Pilot commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. Those aren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those are Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"


Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way. One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered. "How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down. Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant. "I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?" "Yes sir' the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left. The blonde was hot on his heels. "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked. "Home," she said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

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A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion - your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

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As always there has been tonnes of emails flooding in from every direction which is always welcome. If you've got something you wanna say, something interesting to say or just feel like generally abusing me then drop me a line here.

Larry Bailey wrote:
Subject: Imaginary Girlfriend Link on your site...
I have enjoyed your site for quite some time now, but this is my first email to you. I clicked the "Imagainary Girlfriend" link on your site and was amazed that people actually bid on these things....so I posted my own. I am the FIRST "Imaginary Stalker Ex Boyfriend" on Ebay. Here is the link incase you would like to check it out. I thought it would get a few laughs...what I didn't count on was the response that I've gotten from the viewers of my auction. I would like to thank everyone for the compliments on my auction, I am currently working on a new item that will be listed soon. I was also contacted by a reporter from The New York Post (SWEET!!)...trust me, I will give a shout out to Orsm if the article goes to print. Anyway...thanks for the UNGODLY amounts of porn, jokes, and random shit that you provide me to get me through life....YOU are "The Shit". PEACE OUT.

Jay wrote:
Subject: Planet
I've been hitting your site for a while now, (don't get me wrong, I love the chicks) but the "planet" images were very cool. Many people are ignorant to the wonders of our own world... I'd be cool if everyone realized that.

Anny wrote:
Subject: re: lolly bags
Thanks for considering us women who frequent your site... but............ those lolly bags would have to be the most ugliest piece of clothing (?) that I have ever seen... If my man wore those as part of foreplay I would literally die laughing... Someone musta had a real shitty on men whey they designed them. And they serve no purpose do they.. not that they should... Now..how about some really nice pics of men like Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom and bad boy Colin Farrell... now that's a turn on, as long as they don't put those lolly bags on their yayas.. :)

Dale the chef wrote:
Subject: mariah carey
hey - i just saw that mariah is one of your favorites well i've had the pleasure on several occasions of cooking for mariah i am a chef in the states i used to work in beverly hills, and now i am in arizona. i cooked for her both places but i actually got to meet her in arizona. this was 2 years ago - 2 weeks before she was set to sing at the super bowl. seeing her in person - she's amazing - quite tall ( taller than expected) smelled great but all around a very pretty woman - and i can say that she has eaten my food maybe i'll tell you the stories i have of bobby and whitney....

Reverend Junebugdopestep wrote:
Subject: (problem with the PC)
Hey sorry your getting hacked on . Hope you catch the F#*ker! I like this site! Might want to try hosting on a Macintosh?Should check in on the option.SAFER!

mike wrote:
Subject: cape crusader
The many going-on of the caped crusader...
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Dan wrote:
Subject: TKU
Thanks so much for your site. My wife and I get such a kick out of it. We are always anxious for an update and it helps get me laid now and again. Many thanks for that.

Carey Allen wrote:
Subject: Ugly fuckers
These are sum pics of this ugly homo dude i took last year when i was at bathurst for the V8 races. Dont give my details out, keep up the good work on the site. Slap this on the random shit and ill send u sum pics from skoolies later this year, chicks doin naughty shit!

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Sean wrote:
Subject: cool pic
Orsm, first of all bro keep up the good site. Here is a pic of our Chief of Defence Force Parade at the Australian Defence Force Academy. I thought it looked awesome. It was a lucky snap shot that my GF somehow mananged to get. Cheers Mate

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Mick wrote:
Subject: PUNANI..
A friend of mine, still a little too shy to expose more/some.. More to come as that confidence builds...
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Annette wrote:
Subject: Hope you haven't seen this already
Wicked vid of mine blasting in the Ebeneezer mine outside of Brisbane QLD... OOPS. anny from Perth :)
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Adrian Jarvis wrote:
Subject: There Is A Strange Noise In My Engine!
This guy was driving interstate 44 in st. Louis, enroute to work when he heard a pop, it sounded like a flat tire.... He opens the hood and jumped a mile back... A co-worker recognizes him and pulls over... Imagine calling in..i will be late and uh.... The following photos illustrate the precise cause of the noise!

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David Fshlock wrote:
Subject: pics
Here are some pics of my racecar at the plex on friday night. It did a 14.78 dont sound quick to some ppl but for me and a 30 year old 4 cyl not bad i reckon.

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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: What a landing! Awesome military photo
This attached shot was taken by a trooper in Afghanistan. Pilot is Larry Murphy, PA National Guard. Larry is a Keystone Helicopter Corp EMS Pilot employee called to active duty. I must say that this is a "unique" landing operation. I understand that this particular military operation was to round up suspects. We have some super Army Reserve and Army National Guard folks out there in addition to our volunteer troops. God bless them all.

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Bruce Todd wrote:
Subject: Remember Hurricane Juan ?
Remember Hurricane Juan that hit Halifax? Well it wasn't the only place that got hit really badly!!! Below is a picture of the horrific damage it caused in Toronto. scroll down...

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Brent Holowka wrote:
Subject: Michael photo edits
Here is the Thirst Michael Edit I've done, Along with the stained glass Michael and the Mentos Michael. Please post this is the email section, not the RS section. Thanks.

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Persian Boy wrote:
Subject: Persian Boy
Hello, Please add this photo to your site, I capture this photo from EMDADI hospital which is located in Mashhad/Iran.... And please inform me when you add it.... regards, Persian Boy

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Robert G. wrote:
Subject: oopsy !Pennsylvania state trooper (female)..figures!

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Sam B wrote:
Subject: some CG images
Hey Orsm. Sweet stuff you got here.. I saw in previous postings that you are into CG art and that now and then you post a section of CG images. I figured I'd contribute as that's what I do for fun. If you feel they're decent I'd like to see them included in a batch of CG art. Here are the links but please don't link to this server as I'm just a guest on it and it's not set up for much traffic.

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Maxi Mounds wrote:
Subject: Re: A trade?
Hi Sweetie, [In regards to the Maldives pics from a while back] Thanks for the links, I appreciate it. I saw on your page that I wasn't the only one that was curious. It's a bit pricey you have to admit, but what an awesome place to shoot pics. :-) As I promised here are some pics for ya, you can use them or not, you decide. If you like them and want more, feel free to ask, ok? Take care and all the best. More of Maxi at maximounds.com.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!!!

"You know," he said," you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies... You just happened to catch my eye."

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A University mortuary student walked into the mortuary where a body was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.

Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard Swing Low, Sweet Chariot song come out of the guy's butt. Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into its original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!!". Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery."

When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. Upon hearing Swing Low Sweet Chariot, he quickly replaced the cork and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of arseholes sing that song!"

When I saw the pics for the first time I was kind of freaked out. It defies me how she doesn't snap herself in half everytime she leans over or gets fucked too hard...

Waist-ed - Waist-ed - Waist-ed - Waist-ed - Waist-ed

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There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night.

When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued.

There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"

She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..." He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?" She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."

He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..." She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence - MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, and then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!?" she complained. "We did!" he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"

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Most guy's at one point or another have boasted about having a huge dick but these lads have actually got the goods to back up the sales pitch...

Long Dong - Long Dong - Long Dong - Long Dong - Long Dong - Long Dong

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the forest and says, “You're in deep trouble Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to rip off your clothes and rape you until you faint."

With that, Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a very large handgun, points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says. "No you're not, you're going to drop to your knees and EAT ME, just like the story says."

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Once upon a time there was a van driver who used to keep himself amused by scaring witless every Glasgow Rangers fan he saw sauntering down High common road in his blue and white uniform. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back onto the road. One day as he was driving along the road, he saw a priest hitch-hiking.

He thought he would do his good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift. "Where are you off tae, Father?" he asked. "I'm going to give Mass at St Michaels's church - it's aboot 2 miles down the road". "Nae worries," said the driver, "Hop in and I'll gee ya a lift".

The happy priest climbed into the van and they set off down the road. Suddenly the driver caught site of a Hun on the pavement, and instinctively swerved as if to hit him, but just in time, remembering the priest in his van, swerved back to the road again, narrowly missing the idiot. Although he was certain that he didn't hit him, however, he still heard a loud Thud.

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors, and, seeing nothing, said to the priest, "Oh sorry Father, I nearly hit that Rangers Fan walking down the road there". "No need to apologise Sonny," replied Father, "I got the bastard with the door!"


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

click here for more


Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia

Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia - Susia

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak.""You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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An Aberdonian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. Asthey sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aberdonian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Aberdonian took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Aberdonian had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Aberdonian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


I reckon Random Shite just gets better. I do kinda feel sorry for all you RS fans out there because pretty much all you see is what I deem to be the picks [pics?] of the bunch. It may be time to get off my ass and implement a better system [as many of you have requested in months gone by] to display this section of the site better. Stay tuned for it. Anyways, check out this weeks offering...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he invites questions. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name. "Billy!" "And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions," says the boy. "First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? and Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George W Bush informs the children that they will continue after recess. When they resume, the President says: "Okay where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name. "Steve!" "And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden? Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

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Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus

Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck. He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more. He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.

The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true." Tom realises he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so. The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'" Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.

She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following – Gloria 357-6262, when you have dollars.

Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman". He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight. Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call!"

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I think that about does it for this week. If everything went to plan, you just wasted a good hour or two surfing the site whilst you were supposed to be doing something else... I hope it was worth it!

Anyways thats me until next time. Until then be good, stay off the chems and feel free to drop me an email if you've got something to say! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Click for more awesomeness