Who's the more foolish: The fool or the fool who doesn't surf this site!? Welcome to Orsmnet...

Jesus is it that time already? Could have sworn I only just finished the last update only yesterday or maybe even the day before but I'll be damned if I can figure out where this last week has disappeared to.

And what an exciting yet uneventful week it's been! I took some time last update to dribble on about the approaching weekend which was to involve numerous hours trying to fix my old mans laptop plus birthday duties to celebrate my mums 50th.

First the birthday thing... it ended up being dinner on both Saturday and Sunday nights and a breakfast on Sunday morning which I didn't attend and most likely attributable to the previous evening's meal. No biggie - I just thought it a smarter move to stay close to a toilet I know and love rather than be forced into using some disease infested restaurant facility.

As for Mum's present - my sister, my brother and I are all chipping in to send her away on a holiday for a week or two which she seemed rather chuffed about so I'd say we nailed that one. All up it was good to do some family stuff for a change and spend a few hours sitting around at mums - something which I haven't really done since I moved out of home.

The laptop was an entirely different saga altogether and a good lesson in why you should always back up your data. After more than a few attempts to recover his files I gave up, installed the new hard drive and set up Windows plus all the other junk. The only saving grace is that I was smart enough [if I do say so!] to make a couple of backups of his stuff in October but it hasn't done much to stem the emails all week long informing me just how much work he's lost from the last four months. How come people only ever worry about making backups once the inevitable has happened? I should be careful what I say because my burner is out of action at the moment and karma is a bitch...

Anyway, this weekend I am particularly looking forward to. Friday is already lined up for drinks at the pub with all the guy's although I may do the smart thing and opt out of that one to make sure I'm charged and ready for Saturday. One of my mates that I grew up with has succumbed to stupidity and will be taking the long walk down the aisle in a couple of weeks which means we get to do the bucks night thing this weekend. When I initially heard what was happening I immediately went into verbal bashing mode but after thinking about it realised it isn't such a bad idea.

What are we doing you may ask? Lawn Bowls! And yes, by that I mean the game that you see grey-haired geriatrics playing whilst whittling away their twilight years/waiting for death. Apparently there is a technique to it all - you don't just hurl the little black balls at the little white ball as hard as you can. Either way I'm sure that once we mix the activities with beer it will end up being a bloody good time. After that it's back to my place for a clothes change and then off to the city to finish off the job of getting drunk beyond belief... oh and to celebrate a mate's birthday of course [happy 29th Pauly!].

Sunday, if all goes to plan, I'll wake up with a disgusting hangover and try dragging myself out of bed in time to take the dog to the beach for a couple of hours. Whoever woulda thunk it but Sunday lunch [ANOTHER barbeque] has been booked for ANOTHER birthday celebration. This time for my brother's 25th. I can safely say this shit is out of control - can someone please explain to me to why there seems to be so many birthdays around this time of the year? I don't get it... maybe its just one of those freak occurrence things...

The madness continues through Sunday night too. We're back into the city for a good friends book launch and as this is the first launching of a book that I have ever been invited to I'm quite looking forward to it. So far it's all panning out to be a fairly good summer so far. I've done so much socialising I feel like I am ready for a complete new set of friends. Anyone?

If you've been reading my site for a while now you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Let's face it. As much as we love surfing endless TGP's, it sucks just seeing samples. Always tasting, but rarely satisfied. A 30 sec. video and a few teaser pics isn't enough! We need FULL ACCESS! 125PRO is here to help those seeking Free, Full Satisfaction. We're the largest database of FREE Full Access Membership sites on the web. We've reviewed 100's of Free Trial and No Credit Card memberships available. Every niche and fetish is covered.

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living." Mary says, "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts bad guys in jail." Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better." The teacher says, to Dirty Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says, "My Dad is dead." She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?" Johnny says, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
--
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a devon sandwich!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

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Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady, who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room. She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!". The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawn mowing business." So the woman finds a lawn mover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry." So she finds a saw and off goes his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!" He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

ORSM VIDEO The internet is a vast and wonderful thing and as such never ceases to fail me when it comes to videos of people sticking things inside themselves. To back up my point I have a wonderful video that demonstrates it perfectly. Check it... - Fresh Sushi -

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home.

As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully. Then she followed the instructions to the letter:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened. The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note. It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

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I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH AND ITS ALL FREEEEEE!!! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't want. All you need to do is signup with an email address - it's that easy! They'll even let you sign up with a Hotmail or Gmail account.

So what's stopping you? You'll get access to all the celebrity sex tapes, thousands of free pics, live cam girls and more streaming video than you could ever possibly download and like I said - ALL FREE so stop reading this and click here to check it out now!!

READER MAIL
As you can plainly see – fucking bundles of reader mail again this weak. Love it. If you want to have your say, send me something cool or just wish to abuse me for doing horrible things to your little sister then drop me a line here.

Clayton wrote: Subject: Only in Cornwall Hey orsm, love the site, I've been a regular for a few years now. I got these pictures in my email the other day and I figured I'd send 'em on to you. I don't know who did this, but they're in the town I'm from up here in Canada. Keep up the good work. Peace!

Jeremy wrote: Subject: Mr. Orsm I love you! Mr. Orsm, I beg of you. Please post this prycless pic. For the love of god I am begging you. If you post it I'll make a donation to your site. This would mean the world to me and the entire Ottawa Community. Thanks. Oh Please don't post my email address if you do post the pic. Thanks.

<with held> wrote: Subject: Love your site, Hope you use it Some one sent me this pic. It is the smallest dick I have every seen. I feel real sorry for this guy and his lover. I hope she samples it before she get married. Hope you can use it. I love your site by the way. Please withhold my email.

Waterboy wrote: Subject: MMS @ Random Hey Orsm, so I have an MMS capable phone now, not the type of guy to randomly dial numbers and flash the goods. But I am the type , apparently , to receive them . Hoping to find out who the heck this is of, maybe a little exposure could help.

Ross MacPherson wrote: Subject: MMM Messy .50cal shot... well deserved though! Don't fuck with me boy! hehehehe First picture is the gun, the second is the results of the gun! A backwoods hunter from the Alabama NG spotted this guy, complete with suicide bomber vest, inside a compound in the Green Zone in Iraq. He used a well placed 50 cal sniper round to stop him. I would say that he was quite effective!!!!!

shane wrote: Subject: Random shite??? Hi Orsm, Long time fan and devotee (about 3-4 years now or there abouts). On the way back from ourBobsleigh World Cup race in Winterberg at the end of November this year (2004) in the middle of Germany, we followed this truck. At first we thought, oh great, another truck in the way, then we saw the haulage company name... Then at our next venue at Koenigssee, the Olympic Luge champion has a tribute in the Bob café at the bottom of the track. His words are real. Hope to be able to see these on your site...

HardcoreStraightEdge wrote: Subject: I think might be interested in this shit.... Hey Mr. Orsm, I just thought you'd be interested in something like this. We've had some crazy ass weather here in Peoria, Arizona (in Phoenix) lately, a lot of rain which is quite uncommon living in the desert and all. But yesterday, a funnel cloud decided to make it's way across town giving us some pretty heavy hail and winds. The cloud never touched down but we were on a tornado warning for about two hours. I'll let you know, this kind of shit is extremely rare for Arizona. This is the kind of stuff that happens in Kansas and shit. Anyways, I thought you might be interested in these pictures I took. The hail looks like snow. And it never snows in Phoenix. Check out the pictures of the funnel cloud. The orange cloud are the reflection of the sunset off of the storm. It was awesome. Enjoy.

Trevor wrote: Subject: Kung Fu Hey Orsm, Here's a little vid that I made with my mates when we were in China in January. Kind of adds a bit of western geek influence to the whole Kung Fu genre. Check it out if you dare but please don't link this download directly as I can't afford the bandwidth! If you do post it, and people want to contact me, I can be found on www.xaura.com.

Andy Flajnik wrote: Subject: pics hope you enjoy, since there is no NHL hockey, us Canadians must search out other realms of entertainment to pass the time.

bigslim wrote: Subject: Welsh rappers? I know mate, the worlds gotta hear this. Regular to the site mate, I thought I'd seen and heard it all but... YOU MUST INCLUDE THIS! (say it ten times and look into my eyes) when Goldie Lookin Chain released this song I laughed so hard my ???????? I just laughed OK! ps I'm fae(from) Bonnie Scotland could you include that please.

Cyph wrote: Subject: Indian Comedian Hey there Orsm, I thought you and your loyal following would enjoy this video, its an Indian comedian joking about Italians (I'm sure all the Italians would agree its all true), funny stuff!

A bloke goes into the employment office in Melbourne for a look through the job vacancies, which doesn't take him very long, of course. Then, just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something.

"Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $1,500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2." Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Melbourne. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on the catwalk they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing, and you have to get used to living in first-class hotels..."

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really like to apply for the job." The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a rail ticket to Ballarat". "Ballarat?" exclaims the bloke. "Balla-bloody-rat? What do I wanna go to Ballarat for?" "Well", says the clerk, "that's where the end of the queue is at the moment."

FOR THAT LITTLE SOMETHING DIFFERENT CompuFashion - CompuFashion - CompuFashion - CompuFashion - CompuFashion CompuFashion - CompuFashion - CompuFashion - CompuFashion

Two Power football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed the club would put them on an academic probation and they would not be allowed to go on the end of season trip. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read: "Old MacDonald had a..." Poor Jason was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the assistant coach wasn't looking, he tapped Jonathon on the shoulder.

"Psst, Jonathan. What's the answer to the last question?". Jonathon giggled and, looking around to make sure the coach wasn't looking, turned to Jason: "Jason, you're so dumb. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh year," said Jason, "I remember now." He picked up his pencil and started to write the answer in the blank, then stopped. Reaching to tap Jonathon's shoulder again, he whispered, "Jonathon, how do you spell farm?" "You really are dumb, Jason. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

ORSM VIDEO

Life In The Fastlane

Thats What You Get

Awesome FlyBy

Cum Snort [Gross]

THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN ONLINE EVER - ALL SITE ACCESS!!

A Kiwi, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze--perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

RANDOM SHITE Sometimes people ask me, "Hey Orsm, why do ya do it man? Why? Just some RS junkie?" Ya know what I'll say? I won't say a god damn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why I do it. They won't understand that it's about the next pic and that's it. That's all it is... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

An aeroplane was taking off from Melbourne Airport for King Island. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 3 for King Island. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY God!"

The passengers snapped to focused attention with a hint of terror on their faces. Silence followed.

After a few moments the Captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry if I scared you earlier but, while I was talking to you, the flight attendant bought me a cup of coffee and accidentally spilled the hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A stock agent on a buying trip said to his travelling companion: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

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Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1!!"

Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella - Isabella

I've no idea how I managed to get this update up and amazingly ahead of time at that. I had a million interruptions to deal with this week and even as 6pm rolled past I was nowhere near having it resemble anything like what you've just wasted your precious time reading through. Funny how it works... on the weeks when I'm ahead of schedule I always end up running overtime.

And now for some shameless self promotion... if you'd like to show me your love and gratitude for thousands of hours I pour into Orsmnet bringing you something new and exciting every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit!

Anyway that's about all from me. Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and for the love of god don't you think it's time you took your annual bath!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to Orsmnet. The wasting time capital of the internet.

I never thought it would happen but it did and I FINALLY have my servers back from the fuckhead I used to be hosted with. How long did it take? Over three and a half months! How long should it have taken? 24-48 hours at a stretch.

You'd understand if I was a touch annoyed at how it all panned out despite the fact it was entirely expected. We'd lost countless hours over the time we were hosted with him just waiting for shit to be done. I don't think he ever understood the concept of providing a service after being paid for it.

One may expect me to be bitter, resentful or perhaps wanting revenge but that's not my style. After my sub-standard experience with AffordableColo.com, DTI Network and Charles Baker all I can do is suggest that anyone in the need of web hosting go elsewhere. And unless you want to be treated like you aren't worth talking to, I would suggest not wasting your time calling Charles on 316-208-5832 or 316-773-5275.

Anyway on to what's been going on lately... which is pretty much nothing. I tried and succeeded at having a quiet weekend. Saturday was the usual home open crap followed by more house hunting crap. After that I headed home to be productive and catch up on some niggling chores around the house. Of course none of them actually got done because it was easier to put my feet up and watch a DVD.

Sunday I rustled a few friends up and we went into the city for a Dim Sum lunch. Bad idea. With Chinese New Year happening at the time it took forever for the trolley ladies to get around and when they eventually did most of the shit was cold. Thankfully the steam pork buns were fresh otherwise there may have been trouble.

The rest of the day I was stuck fixing my old man's lap top once again. The problem was that he couldn't connect to the internet through dial up for which I accepted full responsibility because I didn't create a short cut on his desktop for it... silly me. What completely shat me off though was when I decided I should do a full system virus scan [a full scan hadn't been done since I set it up a few months ago]. Half way through the scan - BAM! Blue screen of death! It took a couple more hours of fiddling until it would boot again so I packed it up and took it back to him, hoping that was the last I would hear about it.

Tuesday morning I get a call saying it was blue screening again and refused to load. I tell him to take it to the service people and get them to have a look. Get another call today confirming what I thought had happened - hard drive failure. Fucking great. Guess what I'll be doing this weekend?

Come to think of it, it's going to be a busy one. Saturday will be the usual get out of here for a couple of hours whilst retards traipse though my house but Saturday night we're going out to dinner to celebrate my mum's 50th birthday. Sunday morning is the same again except obviously it'll be breakfast with cousins and other extended family.

Mum hitting 50 is actually kind of scary. I still quite clearly remember how my parents were 20 years ago... young. I guess until now I've never really thought about them getting old. Okay its not as if they're in wheel chairs or near death or any shit like that but 50 is a big achievement. Hopefully she has a good weekend because the next big celebration is traditionally at 60 so if it sucks she'll have to wait 10 years until anyone makes a fuss over her again...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Let's face it. As much as we love surfing endless TGP's, it sucks just seeing samples. Always tasting, but rarely satisfied. A 30 sec. video and a few teaser pics isn't enough! We need FULL ACCESS! 125PRO is here to help those seeking Free, Full Satisfaction. We're the largest database of FREE Full Access Membership sites on the web. We've reviewed 100's of Free Trial and No Credit Card memberships available. Every niche and fetish is covered.

Doctors deal with a lot of crap, but they also get to feel up a lot of women. Take for example the breast exam. Or in the case of this reality site, the boob exam scam.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Lohan In A Bikini - Porn TV Blooper - Buff Bitch - Fear Factor Nudes - Sexy Cheer Slut

Bloke walks into a fancy dress party, completely naked with a naked woman on his back. His mate says, "What have you come as?". "I'm a tortoise", says the guy. "Well why have you got a naked woman on ya back?" says his mate. "That's not a woman - its Michelle" says the bloke.
--
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! . What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison - Kelly & Allison

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

MAGICAL MOMENTS Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha - Samantha

A travelling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realising he needed a hair trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted 50 cents, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures, 25 Cents." Why not? thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - 50 Cents." The salesman looked all around, and put 50 cents into the machine, unzipped his fly and, with some anticipation, stuck his penis into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy shrieked in agony. Fifteen seconds, later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis... with a button sewn on the end.

ORSM VIDEO This guy is a complete nut job and I have no doubt that to get himself where he is has taken years of compiling overbearing personally defects, frequent drug consumption, a penchant for unprescribed medication and abusive relationship with alcohol... pretty damn funny though! Check it... - Loose Weatherman -

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

Two men are driving through Rockhampton when they get pulled over by the boys in blue. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks. "You're in Queensland mate" the copper answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." "I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm from Victoria". The copper runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean - and gives the guy his license back.

The copper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the copper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger asks. "Just making your wish come true," replies the copper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks. "Because I know," the copper says," that two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your mate and say, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

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READER MAIL
Not posting any Reader Mail all throughout January was obviously a big mistake. I was planning on just posting what had come my way this month but the influx lately has almost rivalled what I saw around the US election. Anyway, I've brought back the Overflow to cover it... there were so many quality contributions it wouldn't be fair if they never made the site so click here to find them. As for all the rest of you - if you wanna send something my way then you may do so here.

Leslie wrote: Subject: fan signs for you Here's a few "fan signs" =) This makes my day! Show Leslie some love and check out her site! -Orsm

Robert wrote: Subject: Highlight from My Karate Kid Hey its Dancer Face/Thirsty Pads/VD BOY guy. This is a highlight from a stage show I did. If you don't love this your lying. And don't worry she's fine. Well worth checking out is Rob's site @ hoffmaniii.com.

Andrew Robertson wrote: Subject: Creation Created this the other day. Didn't feel a thing. Jesus Christ! I don't know if you should be ashamed or proud of that effort! -Orsm

Dave C wrote: Subject: good pic Greetings Mr. Orsm, Love the site, long time surfer. I just got back from a quick trip from Thailand. The islands are filled with scenery, and I'm not talking landscapes. I snapped the first pic of beauty while lying on the beach on Ko Phangan. The second one while walking on the beach of Ko Samui. Thought you might enjoy.

Reed wrote: Subject: Stupid pic I was driving around, and low and behold i came across this sign. Proving that McDonalds does hire intelligent people... haha. Hopefully you will post this pic. By the way it comes from Edgewood, MD 21040.

Lakis wrote: Subject: ..greetings.. greetings from Italy! This is probably my least favourite way to be greeted. Would have been just as happy with a handshake! -Orsm

Daniel wrote: Subject: Summernatz Kid Heya its danz got to start off by saying fucken ORSM site luv it look forward to updates and they never disapoint :P g0 s1ck... Got a pic from summernatz of a kid with his father and reminded me of orsm.net as soon as i saw it and always wanted to add my bit to orsm hopefully this is a start...

Mike wrote: Subject: USS San Fransisco A guy got killed when he flew more than 20ft into a wall on this thing. Gotta watch those sea mounts. Hope that you enjoy these pics. Always love yours!

Dave Laird wrote: Subject: 4x4 down a steep hill Hey orsm dude. Love your site. Finally have something to contribute -- hope you don't have it already. Check out the pictures first, then watch the video. You gotta know it could happen. Whudya reckon -- the driver's got skid marks? Yikes! Cheers...

Mike wrote: Subject: girlfriend video My g/f broke up with me for another guy... and i made the "hate my g/f video of her naked". Check it out... hope you post it. Brilliant! -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Good Shit Hey Man, Love your site, have been visiting for years and finally have something I think is worth sending in. Me n my flatmate have been playing around with Movie Maker over the Christmas break and this was one of the things we came up with using my digital camera. The story behind the bit at the end was that Dominos has only been open here for a month or so, and have had a little bit of trouble getting our orders right, i.e. someone else gets our pizzas, our pizzas get delivered to home even though we're waiting in the shop for them, stuff like that, and on that day they got it right.

Sam wrote: Subject: Vid of a firend of mine Hi Mr. Orsm. I'll keep it quick and simple. Ok first your site is the greatest and you know it, sick bastard ! That was a friendly "sick bastard" by the way. So a friend of mine recently beated up a cunt who owned him money for a long long time now. The cool thing is that my friend had a camera at the time. Anyway,today he sended me his video and as I was pretty hang-over,so, I decided to do a little montage of the fight just for fun. So i thought "where do you send that type of shit?". One thing led to another... here's that vid, if, of course, you find it cool. (My buddy is the guy with the red sweather and he did some boxing lesson before.)

Palmer wrote: Subject: car accident phone call Orsm- Great site. I thought this story would be a good addition to your site. Enjoy. The set up: "The funniest story he had was when an operations manager was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident and went on to provide 'play by play' of the incident. After telling them the story, he promised to send them a copy of the voice mail and here it is. This is the actual voice mail message. It was passed along and forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box, it crashed their voice mail server."

Courtney wrote: Subject: funny video Hey. I love your site! Ok with that said b/c I am sure you get that alot I was wanting to send you this little video I got from a friend. It is a sort of homemade porno (kinda of crappy but funny none the less). My friend sent it to me since it has him doing some girls that went to our highschool. I found it very entertaining so maybe other people will too! Plus the guys penis is kinda funny looking - way too pink! Heh .. what can you do! Ok well hope you enjoy and perhaps find a spot for it on your site!

Robert Hoffman wrote: Subject: Drag Strip Fun ORSM, Great site. Since you're a car guy maybe you'll want to post this on your site. HUGE! -Orsm

A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they have to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they come to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here - 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!

And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Mexican!"

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I had the strangest date the other night with such a beautiful girl and we decided to go to the local carnival. We got there and rode a couple of rides and I asked her what she wanted to do next and she answered that she wanted to get weighed. So I took her over they couldn't guess her weight and she won a big panda.

So we went and had some thing to eat and rode the roller coaster and I asked her what she wanted to do next and she said she wanted to get weighed, so what the heck away we went again and she won another big prize. We then went and had some cotton candy and played some midway games and I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wanted to get weighed and I thought man this is weird but whatever she wants, so away we went and she got weighed but didn't win this time, the guy guessed within three pounds of her weight.

So as late as it was I took her on home walked her to the door and gave her a kiss goodnight. She went on inside and her dad asked if she had a good time and she replied" WOUSY".

ORSM VIDEO

Mountain Bike Stack

Fun Bags

Sick Bubbies

Death In Custody

Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed. Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!" "OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants." "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am." "Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose." "Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow." "Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made".Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, and rolling hills. The people from Australia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "what about balance, God? You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in New Zealand!"

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Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin, He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale just over the border in Minnesota. He drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home.

He calls over his neighbour, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?" Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?" Sven says, "My vife is from Minnesota."

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Well that rounds out another mammoth update effort. I honestly thought there was no way I would get this done before midnight this week. It hit 5pm and the page in no way resembled what you've just read through, reader mail was only half done and the videos weren't even close so as you can imagine I busted a fucking nit to get it done. Fingers crossed it doesn't/didn't suck!

And now for my usual self promotional plug... if you'd like to show me your love an appreciation for all the hard work I do to bring you a brand spanking update every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit! Big shout out and thanks to the gentleman that got me American Beauty off my wish list as well! Been wanting to see it again for aaages and managed to do it on the weekend.

Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and for the love of god don't you think it's time you did something about that pungent discharge!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome to my Orsmnet. Your one stop shop for tits and bits...

I was at a friends place for a BBQ last weekend and everyone is standing around, feeding their faces, drinking beer and generally just chatting away. For some reason I found myself comparing how these little shindigs have changed over the years as we've gotten older. Jump back to when I was 16 or 17...

Pretty much every time a 'party' was organised it was done to coincide with a lack of parental presence. Ie. Parents are going away for the weekend so where the fuck do we order a keg from? The idea was to have them as far away as possible so we could carry on like dickheads, make as much noise as we wanted, drink freely and irresponsibly and smoke without getting in the shit for it. The result of this was as you would expect - people passed out in the garden after having an encounter with a bottle of $4 Port and the rest of us out the front doing burnouts with the used engine oil we'd stolen from the mechanics earlier in the day. Good times....

These days no one lives at home and most of us don't hate our parents and can actually relate to them so not only do they occasionally find themselves invited but we actually engage them in conversation. I can assure you that the whole get drunk and act like morons thing still happens but I'm pretty sure the last time I passed out and spewed all over myself due to full alcoholic incapacitation was at least 7 or 8 years ago. Our exploits as drunk probationary drivers are long behind us as well. Where it used to be "woohoo... lets see how many laps we can do around the roundabout while we're this drunk", its now "fuck that - do you know how much new tyres for my car cost?". By the way my personal best was 105...

Conversation topics aren't what they used to be either. We used to whittle away the hours talking about what mods we had planned for our cars, gossiping about people in the group we didn't like and just arguing about random crap purely for the sake of arguing about random crap. Nowadays I'd be shocked if 5 minutes went by without someone talking about houses, buying houses, building houses, house renovations, settlement agents, mortgages and of course those bastards at the banks although this isn't necessarily a bad thing as you can harvest some valuable information. We always seem to find ourselves talking about what emails have gone around as well. Ten years ago none of us even knew what an email was!

Another noteworthy point is when its time to go. You can bet that everyone has got shit to do the next day so home time is substantially earlier than it used to be. We're all slightly past our mid 20's now and can't be fucked staying up all night as was once the norm. Count on being called 'weak' or a 'piker' especially if you're first to leave but most of the time everyone else isn't too far behind.

Actually getting home has progressed somewhat too and usually involves the responsible nominated driver approach or a cab. Keep in mind that no one lives in the same suburb as each other anymore so the stagger through back streets kicking lamp posts in an attempt to get the light to go out and competitions to see who could do the biggest piss ring don't really happen anymore. I do miss them... the hour long walk which should have only taken 15 minutes used to be half the fun.

Don't get me wrong - I've done plenty of 2-3 day benders where after heading out on a Friday night I didn't make it home until an hour before I started work on a Monday morning. I've burnt it at both ends a million times but as you get older its different. It's not like I'm old or dead or whatever and its not like we still don't pull the occasional huge night and stay out until some ungodly hour but it takes its toll more than it did when I was 17.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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A young guy was walking up the beach with 2 crayfish in a bucket. The ranger stopped him, "these are undersize!!" "No worries bro these are pets, I just take them down to beach each morning and give them a swim, then I whistle them back and take them home. Come I'll show you." He threw them in the tide, after a while the ranger said "whistle them in". "Whistle what?" "The crayfish!" "What crayfish?"
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Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (in a heavy Chinese accent) "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

ORSM VIDEO I love these clips. I posted a similar one a few weeks ago that still has me close to tears with laughter every time I watch it and this one is no different. A couple of cops bust a geeky loser who accidentally/purposely shot one of his Dungeons & Dragons buddies with an arrow to prove who was the more powerful. Check it... - Arrest Of A D&D Geek -

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE HELL DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE & CHECK IT OUT!

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. "Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD but that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul and just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear!"

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I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH AND ITS ALL FREEEEEE!!! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't want. All you need to do is signup with an email address - it's that easy! They'll even let you sign up with a Hotmail or Gmail account.

So what's stopping you? You'll get access to all the celebrity sex tapes, thousands of free pics, live cam girls and more streaming video than you could ever possibly download and like I said - ALL FREE so stop reading this and click here to check it out now!!

READER MAIL
Still trying to clear some of the email backlog from the last month so if you've sent me something half decent in that time please be patient! For everyone else, if you wanna send something my way or simply feel like having you say you may do so here.

hans wrote: Subject: Ex Girlfriend Titties to post Hey Mr. Orsm how's that hot perth winter? So in frigid detroit my good friend got robbed at gunpoint a few weeks back and this girl his ex said he deserved it, so I think she deserves for the world to see her big floppy titties. Great work on the site been a fan for years. Much Love

Marque wrote: Subject: strange pic submission orsm kicks ass. i took this pic in my back yard in florida, usa. It's rather weird, since when did ducks start chilling out in fucking trees??? We have a bunch of them that hang out at a pond behind our house, just found it kinda strange because at 30 years old i have never seen a fucking duck in a tree before! figured i'd send it to you if you wanna put it up on orsm.net, if not your site still kicks ass.

Colin Jones wrote: Subject: Email Everybody talks about Email. Everybody receives email. Everybody sends email. Everybody changes email. But to tell you the truth, Nobody ever met email. Now with complete exclusivity I present to you.... Email !

Rob D wrote: Subject: zip socks hi orsm, sending you this pic my mate took of this guy wearing socks with sandals. On closer inspection we saw that there is a secret pocket in the socks. good for a chuckle..... socks with sandals pfft. I need to get some of those bad boys... -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Post the pic - NOT the sender Thanks These beauties are all natural and amazingly sit on a little 5' 2" bod. Unbelievable!!! Impressive... how about some more pics? -Orsm

Leigh wrote: Subject: Icky Dick Hi Mr Orsm, just thought I'd send you these pics of my ex's bits. He thought it'd be a great joke to send them to me after 4 years..... I guess the jokes on him hey!! Enjoy

<with held> wrote: Subject: Random shite Burningman Photo Hey Orsm. I couldn't write with out saying thanks for the great site, always an interesting read and after seeing [this] i Had to write in and share some other photos from this years Burningman, I swear you see the craziest stuff there (the photos don't do it justice) Feel free to publish any of the images you like.

Johnathan Price wrote: Subject: Exotic Erotic Ball Pictures What's up dude!! I went to the Exotic Erotic Ball on just before Halloween this year. If you haven't heard of it, it happens every year just south of San Francisco, CA. Admittedly, these are a bit more tame than most of the stuff you have there on your site. Maybe this could be additions to the Random Shite, I don't know. Use them as you see fit.

Trev. wrote: Subject: Navigation Two Point Navigational System: As some of us boaties have found out, it is easy to go out too far on a large lake or sea and then have a hard time figuring out how to get home. To help you navigate through the perilous seas of life, some ingenious soul has come up with a 2-POINT navigational system to help steer you through the storm. It is guaranteed to steer you in the right direction. Here is a picture of the two-point navigational system, which I installed last year. Now that the boat's repaired and back in the water, I'm ready to use it again.

John Donald wrote: Subject: Unions are Killing This Country... Unions are killing this country; here is a prime example. I don't know about other areas of the country but a growing trend here is for people to be a little on the lazy side. It is not that uncommon for as many as 14 to 18 union people to just stand around and watch while only one person is doing the work. As you can see in the photo below, the situation is out of hand; I hope it's not happening in your area as much.

It was a Saturday afternoon, and I had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up a few condiments for an impromptu BBQ. The store was loaded with shoppers and as I headed for the 10 items or less Express Lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a rather large woman, completely ignoring the overhead sign, slipped into the check-out line just in front of me, pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

I was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay, when, to my unexpected delight, the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So dearie, which ten items would you like to buy.

Lifescapes - Lifescapes - Lifescapes - Lifescapes - Lifescapes Lifescapes - Lifescapes - Lifescapes

A crusty old man walks into a bank and shouts to the Woman at the teller window "I want to open a fucking Cheque account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, you dumb fuck. I said I want to open a fucking cheque account now!". "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank".

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no fucking problem" the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the fucking lottery and I just want to open a fucking cheque account in this fucking bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and is this fat bitch giving you a hard time?"

ORSM VIDEO

Crazy Chick Fight

Perhaps Not So Smart

Ride It Baby!

Funny Mime Guy

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of deep East Texas. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of bacon and eggs.

He noticed a film like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather... "are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your breakfast".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny black specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes... so he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, his grandfather said, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now finish your lunch and don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to have supper with some friends in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grampa, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

RANDOM SHITE Random Shite... you know if you love it and you know if you hate it... but you never know what you're going to get next... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife... "Fuck off! "she said, "they're for the funeral!"

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 130 kph per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 95, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $100 fine."

The driver says, "Well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my licence out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" Only when he's been drinking, Officer...."

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

I'm still yet to figure out how I ever imagined that doing smaller weekly updates was ever meant to make life easier... you could probably say it's done the exact opposite. Regardless, I actually look forward to pumping out something fresh and new every Thursday so maybe in some sick perverted kind of way it's worth it.

And now for my usual self promotional plug... if you'd like to show me your love an appreciation for all the hard work I do to bring you a brand spanking update every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit!

Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and for the love of god don't you think it's time you did something about that pungent discharge!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Welcome men and women, boys and girls, junkies and do-gooders. This is Orsmnet and I am your oral majesty.

I've been having a surprisingly good week. Everything is peachy. I have no major gripes with the world. I almost feel... happy. Why cant life always be like this and why do I have the distinct feeling that it won't last... because it never does perhaps?

I'm not sure if it's spread to other countries or for that matter, other parts of Australia yet [apparently it was invented here] but last weekend we went and had a bash at Supa Golf. I guess you'd say it's somewhere between real golf and mini golf. After paying your $12 you get given 4 retarded looking, oversized clubs and an oversized rubber ball to match. The next hour or so is spent traipsing around a reduced size golf course with each green being around 100 metres long. The beauty of the oversized equipment is that even if you are completely shit at real golf, much as I am, you still stand half a chance at Super Golf.

I'd have to say that half the fun was the cruise out there and back. It's only a 20 minute drive but with 12 people, 3 cars and a couple of highways involved the competitive spirit emerges in a fierce race to get there first. It doesn't even come down to the fastest car, all you need is a break in the traffic to squeeze through and you can successfully box the fuckers in behind you whilst taking the chance to jump on the phone and laugh like a mad man down the line. Some skilful traffic negotiation made sure that we rolled in before the other guys [read: losers] and this was a victory that I took every oppurtunity to remind the losing parties about. The journey back home wasn't quite as rewarding. We were last to leave and behind by a good 2 minutes or so which surprisingly we managed to make up... after that we tried to get smart and take a short cut but ended up being sabotaged by some moron hogging the right hand lane. Ah well... there's always next time...

After we got back everyone sort of went their separate ways and I attempted a quick nap on the couch but eventually gave up trying due to the damn phone ringing non-stop. Such is the price of extreme popularity amongst your peers! It was about then that I made a crucial error in judgement. It was around 7pm and I decided I wouldn't bother with dinner to avoid feeling bloated and yuck when I went out, completely forgetting that I hadn't eaten the whole day.

Jump forward a couple of hours and we're in the city, happily drinking away celebrating a mates Birthday [Happy 26th Trev!]. I was okay for most of the night because I did the responsible thing and paced myself... as it turned out I wasn't pacing myself at all and the inevitable "had far to drink for my own good am going to get attacked by butch lesbians again" realisation dawned upon me and it was time to call it a night.

Once I got back I did my usual jump straight on the computer to check email and make sure nothing was broken before pass out and die thing. Moments later I'm headed double time for the door to perform an involuntary chuck. There's good and bad that comes from such an experience. Good is that the more alcohol removed from the body now means less to linger for the next days hang over. Bad is that after not eating for 24 hours the projectile vomit has that vile bile alcohol taste which stays with you for longer than you'd like. It's really just a win/lose situation...

The other biggish news to adorn my week was that the place I'm living in finally sold... kind of. I got a call from the real estate agent on Tuesday saying that an offer had been put in and accepted but was conditional to the buyer's current residence being sold. In other words we could be here for a while longer yet. Either way the pressure is well and truly on now to sort my shit out otherwise I'm going to find it awfully difficult to crank out updates without a house to plug my computer in to...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Let's face it. As much as we love surfing endless TGP's, it sucks just seeing samples. Always tasting, but rarely satisfied. A 30 sec. video and a few teaser pics isn't enough! We need FULL ACCESS! 125PRO is here to help those seeking Free, Full Satisfaction. We're the largest database of FREE Full Access Membership sites on the web. We've reviewed 100's of Free Trial and No Credit Card memberships available. Every niche and fetish is covered.

Kazaa is a bitch. It's been spoofed by so much spam and fake movies lately. But if you go to VideosZ, you can download over 480 full-length porn DVDs!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

The Real Simpsons - Tourrettes - Give The Bird - Webcam Whores - Sexy Little Teens Ass

Beyonce's Boobs - Amazing Dancing - Pussy Puzzle - Drunk Girls Get Wild

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne".

Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone - Mandy Malone

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

ORSM VIDEO I only saw this for the first time a few days ago and was blown away by it. The creators of the ad actually took footage of a few modern dancers and used CGI to map Gene Kelly's head on to their bodies and recreate the famous scene from Singing In The Rain. I guess if he was around today and 50 years younger we may have seen something more like this ad... - Gene Kelly: Singing In The Rain 2005 [VW Golf GTI Ad] -

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The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in Rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the Rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But Rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..."

"I know what you do here," interrupted the Rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."

Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The Rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."

The Rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the Rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.

As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The Rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me - Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you."

The Rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap."

"Okay." The Rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless."

"Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the Rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the Rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"

"Oh that," said the Rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is fifteen hundred dollars."

NEVER TRUST YOUR MATES Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk - Drunk

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

READER MAIL
Finally it returns! Reader Mail has been absent from my updates for the last month but with the vast amount of stuff coming my way lately I couldn't neglect it any longer. I almost bagged the idea of doing a normal update and just posted mail but figured there'd too many complaints... maybe next week. Anyway if you wanna submit something or have a story to tell then drop me a line here.

Robert wrote: Subject: From the guy who made Dancer Face & Thirsty Pads Here's my latest and greatest, hope you like it. It's called VD Boy. Thanks for your support. Keep up the awesome site man. Very original, very funny! Check out the RJH3 site here. -Orsm

Jay wrote: Subject: Fw: Typical Perth Cup A classic snap taken from this years Perth Cup. A prime candidate for the Prycless pics section! Thanks for the laughs Mr. Orsm. Still wanna buy you a beer at some stage

Stevce wrote: Subject: 2005 summernats Just a couple of pics from sumernats this year. Been meaning to send them all this time. Hope you can put them up. Great site btw

Ross MacPherson wrote: Subject: Summernats The action at Summernats 2005... I swear I'll get there one day... -Orsm

lukeandkatie wrote: Subject: Triple J Day Dont Know if u like JJJ but this is the flag we had out the front of our house. Had to send it cause you are the best site on net.

Silent One wrote: Subject: Pic from Brisbane Hey ORSM, Saw this today near the city, there has to be a story behind the pic but damned if I know what it is. If I had to guess I'd say our boy has a new ute and his mates got the shits hearing about it. Great site.

Champ wrote: Subject: Oops HEY YA MATEY........... Check what I saw on da road the other day...... OOOPS !! Thought it was piss funny. Cheers. It's a chicks car... what else has to be said? -Orsm

mazia wrote: Subject: Pic My hubby and I have enjoyed this site for a while now we thought it was time to contribute! Hope everybody find me enticing! Magnificent ass! Please Mam, may we have some more? -Orsm

<with held> wrote: Subject: Pic of wife. I know it ain't much... but I'm trying to talk her into letting me take more... enjoy..... Please withold email and Name if you post the pic. Thanks again and God Bless. I guess everyone has to start somewhere! -Orsm

Yok P LAI wrote: Subject: half life 3 Screenshot from the up and coming Half Life 3... Wouldn't suprise me... -Orsm

m b wrote: Subject: pics for the site My ex-girlfriend sent me these pics.... fucking tight-ass body. enjoy! Holy shit... more please... and her phone number! -Orsm

Smokey wrote: Subject: Bitch Slapped Hey man, love the site... your talking to a veteran orsm surfer. Anyway got this in an email straight after checking this weeks update. Small coincidence... I think this is the best the internet can provide in the way of bitch slapping unfortunately. But its a start ! If they can come up with smell-o-vision, why not slap-o-vision ! Stay cool.

Michael wrote: Subject: wake up - vid hey orsm webmaster, made this little vid today in school, waking up a guy of our class. pretty cool. just post it on your page.

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A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 5-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him. "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 5-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 3-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me asshole, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have some joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

ORSM VIDEO

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Brazillian Boobs

Sand Dune Boobs

Big Milker Boobs

A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

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A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn't know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the Rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the Rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the Rabbi what he should do. The Rabbi says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge. Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it and take the Bible out and open it up. The wind will rifle the pages for a while and eventually the Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the Bible and it will tell you what to do."

The man does as he is told. He places a beach chair and a Bible in his car and drives down to the beach. He sits on the chair at the water's edge and opens the Bible. The wind rifles the pages of the Bible and then stops at a particular page. He looks down at the Bible and sees what he has to do.

Three months later the man and his family come back to see the Rabbi. The man is wearing a $1,000 Italian suit. The wife is all decked out with a full-length mink coat and the child is dressed in beautiful silk. The man hands the Rabbi a thick envelope full of money and tells him that he wants to donate this money to the synagogue in order to thank the Rabbi for his wonderful advice. The Rabbi is delighted. He recognizes the man and asks him what advice in the Bible brought this good fortune to him. The man replies: "Chapter 11."

RANDOM SHITE Random Shite... truely all over the place like a mad womans shit... RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a dead man with a golf ball at his feet.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here." Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8."

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The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you again!"

"Okay, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club... (takes a breath) --- an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

The father interrupts "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A Prostitute Dad... sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant! Come here and give your old man a hug."

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I don't know what it was about this update but it was a fucking mission to get it all together. It's a bit of a bad boy is size too although I cant remember the last time someone complained about there being too much free entertainment to keep them amused...

For my usual self promotional plug... if you'd like to be a good guy and show me your love an appreciation for all the hard work I do to bring you a big, beefy update every week then swing by my wish list and buy me shit! Also wanna do a big shout out and thanks to Carl for picking me up CaddyShack and Clerks off my wish list! Mate you fucking rock!

Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and for the love of god don't you think it's time you did something about that pungent discharge!?. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.