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February 2013...
orsmupdate 2013.02.28-17.58
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I always poo BEFORE showering.

Bit of nervous energy about the pending change of address. After thinking we'd be out mid last year... and being in limbo since... now that it's finally going to happen I'm kind of shitting. Firstly, very hard to step away from my comfort zone. Everything is at my fingertips, it's my place and I'm the fucking boss. Secondly, I have no idea where to begin. If it was a house to house move that wouldn't be a drama. But it's not - it's a house to five different places move and despite already having shifted various bits and pieces for a while now there is still craploads to go. Of course the chronic planner within is trying to work out the most efficient way to do it all and of course it appears there's no easy way but thankfully everything can be stretched over a couple of weekends. Working out the order is the hard part though. Ie. Move essentials like bed, computers and coffee machine then worry about the rest OR try do it all at once. Obviously I'm overcomplicating this... it'll all be fine... no one will die... the world won't end... maybe.

On to whatever else has been going on. Honestly not going to be required reading. For some reason I can't bring myself to kill the blog section of this site. In other words, feel free to scroll down a little bit and get on with the update before I begin with...

Saturday. Early start. There's a difference between what my body wants and I want. Usually its six hours sleep for the body, doesn't matter what I want. Proceedings began with an hour long walk taking in the somewhat mediocre sites of my suburb and its surrounds. Next up was a chiropractor visit. Got a new guy now, closer to home and he is a fucking magician. Finally back to living without aches and pains - first time in a while. Next up was round two of the glorious multi-function printer setup from the week before. There'd been a couple of borderline teary phone calls about the fax machine not working. So I get there, read the manual, adjust some cables, then call home to get the GF to send a test fax. Hang up and wait. Nothing. Tinker again. Call home again. She hits redial. Nothing. Tinker some more. Quite a bit of head scratching going on by this point and just as I'm about to give up I have her try one more time. "Don't hit redial - punch in the number". And what do you know... it works. "Check the call history please". "Oh... I pushed 3 not 2". "Riiiight. Well thanks". This is the same wonderful woman who "can't make iTunes work". Same one who regularly manages to push some random button on the TV remote rendering it completely inoperable. I have NEVER been able to find that button. She's an amazing girl...

Home to work for an hour or two and then gave the car a brisk, badly needed wash. Quickly in the shower afterward to start getting ready for the rest of the day - a wedding. I was all good and on schedule until I had to tie my tie. It's one of those things I either do perfectly on the first attempt... or can't do at all. This was the latter. 20 minutes and a couple of whilst-wearing re-irons it was on.

Made it to the ceremony just in time. Perfect weather, beautiful riverside location, gorgeous bride. All I had to do then was spend the next six hours with a bunch of people I didn't know. Literally knew no one except the GF. Not even the happy couple. Best thing to do in these situations is get drunk... and that I did. Also helped that I'd been volunteered to take pictures which it turns out is a good way to meet people. Funny. Always thought cameras were best used from afar whilst hiding in bushes...? Ended up being a fucking awesome night, some hilarious conversations about everything from 80's movies to childbirth and what it does to vagina's. The only thing I'm not sure about is how many times I got the "So when are you two getting married?". Urgh. Must just be at that age. Have to fend them off with a deadpan "Keeping my options open in case I find someone better".
Sunday was thankfully more low key. Well-deserved [8am...] sleep in followed by a motherly birthday celebration in the form of some dim sum. Think I may actually be turning into a dim sum. Rest of the day stayed quiet. At home, under the aircon, working and trying organise an internet connection for the new place. Knew there would be some challenges. Apparently it can be done but I need to get permission from the house owner, figure out some phone line code and so on. They assure me however it will all be smooth sailing once I have that done. We'll see.

Okay done. If you bothered to read all that then let me assure you it gets better from here. Today's update is nothing short of brilliant; some may even say ingenious. I'm just happy to get finished on time. Check it...

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Nuke Train - Grey Poupon - Unforgettable - Sportsmanship - Be My Girl - Destruction - Random Pics - Mastur-Fail

Perfection - Tastes Like - Money Talks - Home Invasion - Keep Talking - Rosie Jones - This Is Fucked - Harlem Porn

Porn Virgin - Screamer - Sick Bitch - Lucky Dude - Silly Saudi - Smart Dude - Mothering Fail - Still HOT - Crazy Squirt

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bloody bike.
Ex-President Mbeki meets with Zuma and Julius Malema on the 8th floor of Luthuli House. Zuma asks Mbeki "Honourable Ex-President, why do you treat my supporters so badly?" "Well" says Mbeki "your supporters ARE stupid!" Zuma frowns. "But how do I know if the people around me are really stupid?" Mbeki sighs and says. "That's easy. You just ask them to do a simple task". Like this. "Julius please go down to the reception on the ground floor and check if Zuma and I are there?" Malema runs off like a puppy to please his master to the ground floor. 7 minutes later he returns tired and panting. "No my boss you both are not there" Mbeki smiles. "See what I mean?" Zuma acknowledges "This silly ass should have used the lift!"
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears "You know what?" You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... you know what Martha?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck".
"Hello, Men's Helpline - what's the problem mate?" "I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet... now her fanny has completely closed up!!" "Bummer mate" "Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is!" "This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?" "I can!" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do!" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is!" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will!"
Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy.



-Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Can fat people go skinny dipping?
-Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
-Why does a cowboy wear two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.
-Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
-Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
-What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
-Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
-Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-Why is a boxing ring square?
-In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
-What's another word for thesaurus?
-Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
-What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
-Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
-If a book about failures doesn't sell is it a success?
-Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
-How come there aren't B batteries?
-If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
-What's another word for synonym?
-Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
-If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail by the thousands per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?
-When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
-Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
-How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
-If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
-Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
-Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
-If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest is there a sound?
-Is a metaphor like a simile?
-Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
-Before drawing boards were imvented, what did they go back to?
-If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
-How do I set my laser printer on stun?
-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-How is it possible to have a civil war?
-When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
-When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
-If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
-Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
-If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
-If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
-Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
-Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
-If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
-What do you do when an endangered animal eats endangered plants?
-If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
-Do witches run spell checkers?
-Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
-Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
-If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands?
-Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
-Crime doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a crime?
-Why do noses run and feet smell?
-If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
-If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?
-Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-How can there be self-help "groups?"
-How do a fool and his money GET together?
-How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
-Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
-How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
-How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
-When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
-Why do they call it a "TV set" when you only get one?
-How do you throw away a garbage can?
-When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
-Why are all the home economics teachers divorced?
-How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
-Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why do they call it a "bust" when it stops right before the part of the body you'd think it would have been named after?
-How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
-Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
-Why do they call them "buildings" when they're already done building them?
-Do you realise how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
-Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
-How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
-If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
-If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
-If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?
-If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
-If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
-If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
-If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
-Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
-If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
-Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
-If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?
-Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?
-Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
-Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
-If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
-Why do banks charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
-What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?
-What is the speed of dark?
-How come we never hear about gruntled employees?
-Why do they sell cigarettes at the gas station if you can't smoke there?
-What happened to the first 6 "ups?"

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Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction".

The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind". But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, and yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time... so... do you think we should... well... you know... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT??" asked the other lawyer.


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A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts "This is a raid! Everyone get on the floor!!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "DID ANYBODY ELSE HERE SEE MY FACE?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. "DID ANYBODY ELSE SEE MY FACE?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner... "I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

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Mick, from Dublin, appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far" said the show's presenter "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure" said Mick "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?"

A. Sparrow
B. Thrush
C. Magpie
D. Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue" said Mick "So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin..."

Mick called up his mate and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo". "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure!" Mick hung up the phone and told the presenter "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer". "Is that your final answer?" he asked. "Dat it is".

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed "Cuckoo is the correct answer!! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a fookin clock!!"

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Massive reader mail this week. Took me most of yesterday to get through everything and almost unbelievably my inbox is full again.

Got something cool you wanna share? Some wisdom to impart? Pics of your tasty girlfriend? Pics of a cunty Ex? Pics of your excellent tata's? Messed up videos? A funny joke? An unfunny joke? A 'Fuck you Orsm'? Random pictures? A golden ticket? Unwanted money? Aids? Send them my way! Send them ALL my way! With some luck they'll will end up on this very page and be seen by millions for years to come. All you must do is click here and fill my box...

psycheman wrote:
Subject: Russian meteor
Mr. Orsm, My Bullshit meter pinned at the end of this one. I don't believe the last burning hole is a result of the meteor(ite) landing rather something more akin to this.
Eric wrote:
Subject: one of your videos
I saw the video Illegal Parker Removal before. The rest of the story is that she won the case and got all charges and fines droped and even got her car back at no charge. When she showed up in court with the video you have on your site. Turns out it is more wrong to tow someons car for illegal parking when you were not illegally parked when you parked there. You have a great site.

pl5ash wrote:
Subject: Current posting
What kind of sick motherfucker you must be to post this doctor throwing baby joke. One sick sonofabitch.

So... you didn't find it funny then...? -Orsm

Brian wrote:
Subject: You may now kiss the bride!
Must be one of those "non-traditional" weddings........ I wonder who else gets to kiss the Bride ...

The longer I stare at the pic, the harder it gets to work out WTF is going on there. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Final Pic
Where's the slug?
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Spot the problem

Entrant for the "I'm not eating it so why do I care?" category. -Orsm

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Patrick wrote:
Subject: RS? Reader's shit?
Wassup Aussie? Long time viewer here. You previously posted my dog - One riding the lawn tractor, one sitting at a desk clicking the mouse. I've graduated from dog to kids. Here's my boy. Every Thursday!

Future Orsm fan. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: snake on a plane
i guess no one spotted this poor guy before take off..

After this experience he will never fly Qantas again. -Orsm

Shane wrote:
Subject: EMailing
Papal Resignation.
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Tony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
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Duncan wrote:
Subject: the pope
Like a good Catholic...
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Brian wrote:
Subject: Will he get it started?
Workplace safety being well practiced..... Well, if he DOES get it started, there will be one less moron out there breeding! or maybe a desire for a cut-price gender re alignment ...

Makes me cringe. -Orsm

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ronald wrote:
Subject: Emailing

On behalf of everyone here I demand MORE. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
An Amazing sentence in English
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Inside Oscars house of Horrors

He's totally getting off. -Orsm

Benjamin wrote:
Subject: U A BCH!
Just thought you'd like to see an actual license plate here in Arkansas, United States. Love your site, keep up the good work!

ALmost time for another license plate gallery I think. Maybe even a you park like a fuck too. Submissions here.

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Will wrote:
Subject: PC Peach
CPS demanded a statement from "PC Peach," who is actually PD Peach. They were told several times Peach was actually a police dog but insisted on a written statement so the case handler sent them this.

Good doggy. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Great ad placement
Was mucking around on net and looking for stoner dude and look what ad turns up. Well done dominos. No details cheers

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Volimor wrote:
Subject: AirAsia for the win!
Right in time for Mardi Gras!!!

I am DEEPLY offended by this and demand free flights to compensate me for the grief it has caused. -Orsm

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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: I wonder iffin ya can get a suntan there ...
heres a Luxury Resort of a slightly different kind

Amazing but how much energy would it take to run the thing... -Orsm

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Durby wrote:
Subject: Emailing
SHAGGY said, She's the kind of woman who lets you know when she knows what she wants, she won't let go. takes you to a place of your fantasy walks you to the door, but she holds the key That Girl...

Gotta love the nasty ones. -Orsm

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Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: Emailing
So... you think squirrels in the bird feeder are a problem
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Super Fantastic Useful Tips. Why didn't I think of these
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P G wrote:
Subject: Car Acident
His name was Bob, Shiska Bob. Man vs Metal........ Metal always wins.


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<with held> wrote:
Subject: 24 year old
im 56 meet on aff off your web page im member 14 years she was bad girl need a spanking i was glad help her out i never did that before gave best head i ever ever had omg igoing to hell lol Hide my info please
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Jd wrote:
Subject: OIP
Nice cartoons

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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Firewood
You can't keep a man's spirit down. He will find a way to express himself. If you do not know how to stack firewood for the winter, here are some ideas.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some slag I was fucking
She decided to go full cunthead on me so I guess I dont need these anymore; why not share the loot, right? Withhold me details please kind sir. btw, been coming to orsm for 10 years....hands down the best site on the web. I literally plan my week around being home on thursday (when we get the update in this timezone) so I can peruse and pilfer all you hard work. Thank you sir and please do keep it up! Sorry its taken me so long to give back.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Watch "Josh G Valentines Day message" on YouTube
I love your site mate. Didn't bother planning or buying anything for my gf for valentines day so in my backyard I made a little improvised video showcasing my broad range of talents, and posted it on her facebook page. My mate thought it was great and put it on youtube so I thought you might like the link. Hide info please. Cheers. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Benjamin wrote:
Subject: A favor for me please
Here is a link to a video I made for my sister-in-law and her husband for their four year anniversary. I was wondering if you would give it some exposure on your website if you deem it worthy. I was pretty drunk on not only the jager, but I had a bit of vodka as well that night. I'm just glad I was pleased with what I had created the next morning, as I already had it on youtube haha. I'd be honored and grateful if you gave it a nod. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Gun Range Harlem Shake
Hey Orsm, Here is something you haven't seen before. It's the Harlem Shake 2nd Amendment style! [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

Next day, the local Police Chief came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The Police Chief asked the old farmer "Oh God, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie".

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Vern works hard at the phone company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no" says Vern. "He's in my bowling league".

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

By now Vern's wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says "Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time!"


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There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was the 'rhythm method'. "That will work" said the counsellor "if you keep a good record".

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills she said". Again he said "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them". He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was "The pail and saucer method". After a short delay, he again told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim still. Well the counsellor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied "The birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby".

He turns to the farm gal and said "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method... now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?" She replied "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him".

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Two dwarfs (aka midgets) go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first "How did it go?"

The first mutters "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection". The second dwarf shakes his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed".


And that boys and girls is the end. You should definitely read this last bit though. It'll avoid any gruff responses...

-Check out the site archives. Go onnnn.
-Next update will be next Thursday... and every Thursday after that until the end of time or I die or close Orsm down or something else.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will NOT do what he is told.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and FART FREELY. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.02.21-18.55
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Furry happy monsters feeling glad.

Pretty damn hot past few days and thanks to the wonders of air-conditioning my only complaints are more to do with being too busy to get out and enjoy it than anything else. Summer will be over before we know it and you guys will get whiny Orsm back at the first sign of an even slightly chilly day.

Speaking of too busy... not looking forward to March at all. The whole house thing is dragging on and on and whilst shit is getting done, we're under pressure to move so instead of stringing everyone along, pushing the move farther and farther back, we decided to just pick a date and do it. Should be around the 9th. In that time I need to find a home for my goldfish, get various people to come and dig up plants they want, hopefully rehome the very large mulberry tree, strip the house of various fixtures people have asked for AND move the rest of our shit. Just to keep shit interesting, we're headed away for a week at the start of April. As always I'm more than happy to go anywhere but really don't need a break yet. Still revelling in the afterglow of the last trip a few months back but it's the lesser of two evils - wouldn't be on if it weren't to see friends and this option is the much, much cheaper one. If we go later in the year the destination will be different and much, much more expensive.

The biggest problem is going to be an internet connection. Can just see that going pear-shaped. Things may have changed but when I moved into the current old piece of shit house and even the one before, someone somewhere messed something up and it was back to dialup internet both times. Does dialup even exist anymore and where do I find a 56k modem? Not idea how I'll swing it if there's no net for a couple so there's now added pressure to work ahead and get updates for those weeks underway. While all this is happening, several close friends and fam are ready to drop. Its baby season again so hospital visits will be mandatory. Long story short - heading in to a very full, very stressful, very chaotic period. You know what they say though... what doesn't kill you, makes you bitterer...

Moving on to other events of the last week. Saturday was supposed to be a hard day of manual labour. Tried to wriggle out of it to no avail. It was a family thing and had to be there so you can imagine my delight when it was cancelled last minute freeing up the day. Instead pumped out some exercise then headed to parents to setup a printer. "It's can't be that hard. Just read the manual" I said. "No. You have to come do it". And that's how half your morning disappears. Home later to spend some time Skyping friends and the rest of the afternoon playing. Orsm originally sprung from my boredom - suffering the after effects of a car accident I was sat at home doing nothing. Got a PC and started to learn html. Since then the time I've had to play with stuff like that has been limited which is why Saturday was so awesome. Hours of digging through code playing with CSS, PHP and Java to give the video player page a new layout. Not exactly a ground-breaking redesign but slightly more functional now.

That night was the butterfly effect. One of my mates was supposed to be away for work. The GF was supposed to stay at his place in case his wife went in to labour. I was supposed to have the whole house to myself. Activities would have included fast food and sci-fi or horror. But it wasn't to be. Again at the last minute the work thing was cancelled, the GF wasn't needed and the one night I'd looked forward to for weeks was no longer.

Managed to get a sleep in on Sunday. 8.30am isn't really pushing any boundaries but I'll take it. First activity was meeting friends for a dim sum demolition. Next stop was visiting my gran followed by a nearby furniture place. I've been planning on putting my carpentry skillz to use and make some stuff except the particular type of timber I want is hard to find - comes from Indonesia so the only way to get it is by importing myself. Until now that is. Apparently the store can supply what I need and this way if it isn't right it's up to them to fix it.

Rest of the day was spent back at the computer continuing the previous days activities. All up there were about 3-half days invested in making it look and work how I wanted. Can't imagine how long the rest of the site is going to take me...

Alright. Enough. Now we will do the rest of the update. Check it...

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Tommy Slingshot - Perfect 10 - Icecream Condom - Cactus Bodyslam - Stolen Futures - Meanwhile Crazy - That'll Hurt

Too Fucked Up - Amazing - Maximum Slut - Won't Gag - Valentine Sex - Hard Nippage - Nerd Pussy - Death Scream

Shawn Johnson - Awkwarrrd - Orgasm Hard - Hotness - Disgusted - The Blob - She Pops - Stupid Idea - Shitty Mum

A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6". A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied "They had avocados". If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. So the doctor examines her and does some tests and says "you're going to have to looking forward to the idea of long sleepless nights full of crying and changing nappies". "Why? Am I Pregnant?" "No" the doctor replies "you've got bowel cancer"...
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odour passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled. One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working". A man in the corner replied "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any!"
After a visit to a house of ill repute a man notices green lumps on his willy so he goes to the doctors. "That's serious" says the doctor. "You've heard that some boxers get cauliflower ears?" "Yes" says the man seriously. "Well" says the doctor "You've got brothel sprouts".
Four things to remember when entering a Mosque 1. Shoes off; 2. Socks off; 3 Sawn off; 4. Safety off...



Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

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A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami and a $1,000,000 bank account... "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a $2,000,000 bank account".

"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him "You'll fuck her again".


Click for more awesomeness


-I'm not one for bragging, but I'm hung like a Tesco's burger.
-I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse... I guess Tesco just listened.
-Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
-Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
-Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger... so I had a £5 each way bet!
-Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night. I still have a bit between my teeth.
-A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
-Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.
-I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer... AND THEY'RE OFF.
-Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
-Had burgers from Tesco last night. They gave me terrible trots.
-To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian.
-A cow walks into a bar. Barman says "Why the long face?" Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"
-I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
-These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead horse!
-They've found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It's an unbridled disaster.
-A Tesco burger walks into a bar. "A pint please". "I can't hear you" says the barman. "Sorry" replies the burger. "I'm a little bit horse".
-I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked "Add to cart".
-I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.
-I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam. 
-Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?
-I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn't accept them. Looks like I'm saddled with them.
-Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.
-Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said "Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale".
-So there's horse meat in Tesco's burgers. Don't worry, it's not the mane ingredient.
-Tesco, everything you want from a store and a little bit mare.
-You think Tesco Horse Burgers are bad, you should try their Quarter Pandas.
-I used to have my burgers medium to rare, now I have to have them good to firm.
-Tesco customers have no manners. I was hampered in the frozen food isle - some bastard hit me with a tin of beans. I've lodged a steward's enquiry with the clerk of the weigh in.


-Hard times for Oscar, he's not going to have a leg to stand on in court.
-Oscar's favourite band: Bullet for my valentine.
-Investigators are still stumped at the Oscar Pistorius shooting.
-Poor Oscar, He can't even throw himself on his knees and ask the court for leniency
-Apparently she kept coming home at all hours. Maybe he shot her because he couldn't put his foot down.
- New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints.
- I had heard that he was very highly sprung. 
-I have just realised that Oscar can enrol in the shooting event with the next Olympics.
-Reporter "Oscar, why did you shoot her?" Oscar "Well I couldn't exactly kick her out now could I?"
-She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
-If Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never happen.
-Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the 1st man to wake up legless on Valentine's Day and shoot all over his wife's face imagining she was someone else. Whilst Oscar missed out on a Valentine's Day blow job, he can look forward to anal sex every night for the next 20 years.
-Oscar is not going to walk away from this.
-I didn't know he was such an upstanding marksman...
-Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorious.
-Oscar was surprisingly upbeat after being arrested for shooting his girlfriend. He still had a spring in his step.
-Reporter "How did you get involved with an FHM model?" Oscar "I just took a shot in the dark"...
-At least he gave his relationship his best shot.
-When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes. Who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
-I will not stand for these Oscar Pistorius murder allegations.
-He who shoots his girlfriend on Valentine's Day deserves an Oscar.
-The police are questioning Oscar but they are pretty stumped.
-He can't put a foot wrong now.
-Absolutely shocking news from South Africa: White man arrested for murder.
-Taking your girl out on Valentine's Day means something totally different to Oscar.

click for gallery

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do!"

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!"

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When mum and dad get back, dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mum will go to bed and have sex, and mum will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mum and catch the disease... and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

click for gallery

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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination" says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican" says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine. "Show him your cross" says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking" says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts "Get the fuck off the car!"

click for gallery

A doctor in Dunedin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Joffa, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Joff.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks "So, Joffa how was your day?"

Joffa told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol".

"Bravo lad and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon" says Joff.

"Bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of God! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Bloody hell, Joffa, my boy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes!"


click for gallery

We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!

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John bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

But the next day he drove up and said "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died". John replied "Well then just give me my money back". The farmer said "I can't do that, I've already spent it".

John said "Okay then, just bring me the donkey". The farmer asked "What are you going to do with him?" John said "I'm going to raffle him off!" "You can't raffle a dead donkey!" protested the farmer. John said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead".

A month later, the farmer met up with John and asked "What happened with that dead donkey?" John said "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898". The farmer said "Didn't anyone complain?" John said "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back".

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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes mum. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home".

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher". "That's right, dad".

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for".

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me".


Let's not prolong this. Just read this last bit and we can all go on with our lives...

-Check out the site archives. Because *I* said so.
-Next update will be next at some point between Wednesday and Friday but not either of thoise days.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will shit in your mouth.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and under no circumstances should you let Ray shit in your mouth. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.02.14-17.12
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Does the pope shit in the woods?

We're in the midst of a state election campaign. Totally fucking boring - already know who I'm voting for so don't really give a shit but news coverage has been fierce and hard to avoid. If you've never been to Western Australia or its capital Perth then what you need to know is it's a city with an expanding population thanks to a mining boom and the thousands of people relocating here to get their slice. This of course doesn't come without some problems. Services are buckling under ever increasing pressure - hospitals, policing, housing and so on but the one bugging most people is transport. Peak hour is unbearable and public transport hasn't kept up so as you'd expect, the biggest election issue is transport and both major political parties are announcing plans about how they'll fix it. Apparently various forms of rail is the key and -of course- being Australia the cost to build anything is ridiculous. Everything is in the billions. It's insane and means politicians pick and choose what we can have now and what we have to wait 5 or 10 or more years for based on winning votes. That's just the way it is.

So how do we make public works cheaper? You'd have to think material costs are what they are so forget about them and workers aren't going to lift a finger for less than they're entitled to... but what if we had a workforce who would work for less? I wonder how many people in countries like China or Indonesia would flock here if we made it worth their while. We could solve the asylum seeker problem too. Let's make the offer that if anyone wants to sign a 3 year contract to work for pay equivalent to what they would get at home, we will supply housing, food and other essentials. Maybe even make their wages tax free. Once the contract is up they can bring their families over and automatically gain citizenship. Meanwhile we get new infrastructure at a fraction of the cost in a fraction of the time [ever seen how fast projects are completed in Asia?]. Can't imagine the unions liking it much and human rights campaigners would have issues but you can't please everyone. Admittedly the idea might be simplistic and need work but isn't this more or less how Australia was built in the first place?

Moving on to all my stuff. God knows I love talking about myself right...?

Last Friday pushed sucking to levels rarely ever achieved. That evening I was dragged along to a country music show. Let me preface this by saying I was coming off the back of a rough week - stressful, drama-filled, busy and exhausting. No matter what was on that night I would have disliked. Also I fucking HATE country music. Would rather have been doing literally anything else... sometimes however, you agree to things to please loved ones... and on the condition you're allowed to bitch and moan. So we make the hour drive into the hills, park and walk over. Suddenly I'm surrounded by people with horrible back tattoos or flannel shirts, wearing cowboy boots and squeezed into jeans a few sizes smaller than their generous body types allow. This was going to be worse than I imagined and unfortunately I'm not good at faking happiness nor masking contempt.

After finding seats it was time to eat. A steak burger and chips sounded okay so joined the queue. 20 minutes later, after listening to unimaginably mundane small talk from nearby country music lovers, we got to the front and ordered, forked over an outrageous $18.50 and told it would be a further half hour wait. Oh and the burger was awful. And there was no 3G coverage. And then the music started. Must admit that some of them were actually half decent performers. Shame because given the right circumstances I may not have loathed the experience quite as much. Even the butch lesbians there to watch their favourite lesbian country singer weren't enough to snap me out of it. A few hours later, just when it seemed to be finally over the band came back out for an encore. After that, just when it seemed to be over, the previous performers came back out for an encore. And then another. Clearly the audience loved it and good on them but fucking never again.

Saturday was whatever but my fortunes reversed come Sunday. The 9am sleep-in was bliss and long overdue. It was stinking hot too - day whatever of a heatwave and not exactly conducive to exercise so we jumped in the car and headed for the dog beach. After 10 years of hitting it almost every summer weekend, this was the first time I've been back since dog passed away 2 months ago. It was always going to be a bittersweet experience. Of course there were more German Shepherds around than any other breed and of course there was one absolutely identical to Milla. From there we headed south to Trigg beach and a couple of hours swimming, sunbaking and admiring bikinis and associated body parts. Home mid-afternoon, ate and back out again, back to the coast, this time to hit the pub and enjoy a beer. Fantastic end to a perfect summer's day.

That'll about do it with the blog babble. Time to casually segue into the rest of this week's update. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Old School - Pizza Heaven - Cheap Knock-offs - Top Gear Fail - Creepy Turd - Aussie Goddess - Giant Pussy - Hot Ass

Camping Sex - So Fucked - Sexy Surprise - Max Ownage - Clown Meltdown - Skinny Teen - Princesses - Kate Upton

Finger Banged - Awkwarrrd - Little Lupe - Sex To Death - Epic Hotness - Shocking - Butthurt - Unshaven - Extreme Slut

A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says "Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it!" She says "Okay let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier". He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier. "Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?" "Nope," she replies "I just peeled off the scabs".
Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life. Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this... why??" She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!"
"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel.
Jesus is stood at the pearly gates when an old man with a white beard comes to him and says...
"I'm looking for my son". Jesus replies "Well this his heaven and there are lots of sons here. What does he look like?" The old man replies "Well he has a hole in each of his hands and a hole in each of his feet!" Jesus, shocked, says "Dad...?" The old man says... "Pinocchio?"
You know why Arabs aren't circumcised? They need a place to hide their chewing gum during a bad sand storm.
The other day at a party, my wife asked me to do my Michael Jackson impression for her guests. However, I think there was some confusion about what the impression was meant to be. She put on 'Billie Jean' and waited for me to dance, but I took her nephew to the bedroom and raped him.


Phil is sitting in a hospital eagerly awaiting news of his soon-to-be newly born baby. A doctor approaches him and asks "Excuse me sir, but are you Phil, the husband of the lady who just had a baby?" "Yes, yes I am" Phil replies excitedly. "Come with me" says the doctor, motioning Phil to follow him.

On the way into the ward the doctor turns to the Phil and says "By the way, there is something I must tell you about this baby". "What's that?" asks Phil. "This baby is what we could deem a special baby. You see Phil... this baby can fly!" says the doc. "WHAT?" asks Phil incredulously.

"You'll see what I mean when we get inside" answers the doc. Upon entering the relevant ward, the doctor walks to the pram containing the baby, picks him up and holds him in the air saying "Watch this". He then leaves go and the baby hits the ground with a thud.

The man gets a little frustrated saying "Did you just do that?"

Doc looks bemused and says "That wasn't supposed to happen, he was supposed to fly. Hold on, I'll try it again".

Doc lifts the baby up over his head spinning him around and throws him against the wall with a thud. The baby falls to the ground, motionless. Phil begins to lose his head saying, "What the fuck are you doing to my baby man?"

The doc motions the new Dad to calm down and says "Calm down, I'm a doctor. I know what I'm doing. Watch this, it will definitely work this time".

Doc opens the window, 7 stories down, lifts baby out and leaves go... SPLAT!

Baby in bits, lying on the ground.

At this stage Phil has pinned the doctor up against the wall shouting "You crazy fuck, you just killed my baby, you're going to FUCKING DIEEEE...!!"

The doctor replies "Jeez, relax man relax, I'm only pulling the piss, the baby was stillborn".

click for gallery

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off by his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon".


Click for more awesomeness

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover "Please do me a favour. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass feeling all around. Finally he says "I don't feel anything".

Bruce says "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out".

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass".

Bruce starts singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you"...

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This fella got married and went on honeymoon to a posh hotel. As the couple had a lot of luggage, the doorman helped them in with it. He found it strange that most of them items were fishing rods, tackle and all sorts of stuff you need for fishing expeditions.

At 8am the next morning, the newly-wed man was heading out the door laden down with fishing gear, now the doorman was curious so he asked him why he was heading out so early to go fishing while on honeymoon. The man replied "Well it's a little sad, my wife has gonorrhoea so I can't fuck her". "Oh, I see" says the doorman as the man goes off to fish.

Next morning at 7am the fella is heading out, again obviously going fishing.

The doorman stops him and says to him "Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind me saying, it IS your honeymoon, why aren't upstairs at least kissing and cuddling your new bride?" "Very sad" replied the newly-wed "can't kiss her, she's got pyorrhea". "Oh fair enough" says the perplexed doorman, as the guest goes out the door, fishing tackle and all.

The following morning at 6am, the by now normal routine happens, the doorman stops the guy again and says "Listen sir, I've been thinking about your problem and I like to suggest a solution." "Okay, go ahead" says his guest. "Well" says the doorman, why don't you, ya know, take her from behind?" "Very sad" says the fella "can't do that, she's got diarrhoea".

"Fuck me" says the exasperated doorman "she's got GONORRHOEA so you can't fuck her, PYORRHEA so you can't kiss her and DIARRHOEA so you can't even take her from behind! Why DID you marry this woman?" "Well, says the hotel guest, as he adjusted his fishing rod "she's a great source for worms!"

click for gallery

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness

If you want to get involved and be an [actual] internet cool guy then I'm always on the hunt for literally anything you can attach to an email and fire down the internets at the maximum transmission speed of your modem or other primary networking device. On my wishlist are the following: jokes, videos, porn of any almost any sort, pics of your hot-as-fuck ex GF, compliments and, if there's a way, money. Failing that, all the stuff you'll see below or for that matter anywhere on Orsm was good enough to make the grade so let that be your guide. Just click here - its that fucking simple. Anyway... check it...

Hard Worker wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I have cruising the net since the early 90's and I just want to let you know you have the absolute best site of its kind on the planet. No phoney links, no lies, no spam, no viruses. You just deliever exactly what you say you will. You have earned the one thing I rarely have given in 57 years, my respect.

I completely agree. -Orsm

Steven wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Check out the new Bombers recruit - awesome!

Very fucking clever. -Orsm

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click to enlarge click to enlarge

Bill wrote:
Subject: Difference between Ravens / SF Fans...
Go Ravens!!! 2 pictures, and 2 world's apart... a very proud pair... and the hat ain't the only thing that's backwards !

Tits win again. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Hi ORSM, Many salaams from East Africa. Good work etc. This poor girl was choking and the first aider decided to get the piece of irritating bread out of her system of her, no matter what the costs/embarrassment. Suffice it to say, the girl survived. Hide my details please.
click to enlarge

Oto wrote:
Subject: All the Gold in the World Infographic
Hi, My name is Oto and I'm the owner of Demonocracy.info. It's an independent site where I publish 3D infographics on current economic issues, in a manner that's easy to understand for the average man. I just created a new infographic on Gold and wanted to see if it would be of interest for you to publish it to orsm.net.

click to enlarge
Brian wrote:
Subject: Oh, what a ....
Don't try and work this out. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!
click to enlarge

leigh wrote:
Subject: Bike rack?
G'day mr orsm. Found this pic on Facebook! looks like a good spot to park your bike!

I still don't know how girls don't know. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: 1/2 head foil $95
Wonder how much all head would be? Seems expensive. No details pls

Seems expensive. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Anthony wrote:
Subject: HA HA HA !
Best photo in sport of 2013

It's what Australia has waited years to see. Suck shit to the racist Aboriginal Muslim. -Orsm

click to enlarge
C wrote:
Subject: Multiplicity
Aw shoot! Man, why didn't you email me and let me know you were going to do a multiplicity set? I made this a while ago. I always post it with the caption of "If you own a cockatoo, you know the nightmare this represents" I'm not sure if people don't get it or they just don't care but you may get a kick out of it. You guys are probably baffled by people here in the states that have these as pets. I've heard they are considered garbage birds in Australia. Is that true?
click to enlarge

Annie wrote:
Subject: pic
fuck yo couch lol

Yowsers. Hopefully leather isn't the only thing it smells of... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Brad wrote:
Subject: i can not see the argument here, free
Mate, some idiot thought this was a good idea. It is a good idea, free sex and free music. This should be compulsory.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found online
Orsm, Found this article with unfortunate ad placement. Thought you might enjoy. Withhold my . you know.
click to enlarge

John wrote:
Subject: Random
... I might be wrong but this person appears to be a churchgoer. Hmmm..... when it comes to car stickers, how much is too much??

Duggar family maybe. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jd wrote:
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail
Hey Orsm, Found these while fixing a friends PC - Very bang-able!! Her tit-ays are amaaaazing!! Please keep details withheld. Cheers

Cute as hell. Shame about lack of nudity. -Orsm

click for gallery

Justin wrote:
Subject: Quilts in the Snow
What a lot of patience these must take. And how does he get them so even? Artist Simon Beck must really love the cold weather! Along the frozen lakes of Savoie, France, he spends days plodding through the snow in raquettes (snowshoes), creating these sensational patterns of snow art. Working for 5-9 hours a day, each final piece is typically the size of three soccer fields! The geometric forms range in mathematical patterns and shapes that create stunning, sometimes 3D, designs when viewed from higher levels.

click for gallery
William wrote:
Subject: paybacks a bitch
love your work guys, love the site. just thought i would make my contribution. i fucked this chick simply to get some and she turns around and trys to fuck with my life so. paybacks a bitch
click for gallery

Jd wrote:
Subject: How do you...
How do you eat an elephant in Zimbabwe ? Piece by piece it would seem !

Om nom. -Orsm

click for gallery

Brian wrote:
Subject: Landslide defeats
Can you see a pattern forming here?

It's either sexism or ineptitude... -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Getting some good head... Hide my info please
click for gallery

Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Nelson Mandela, Sculpture
It consists of 50 ten metre high laser cut steel plates set into the landscape, representing the 50 year anniversary of when and where Nelson Mandela was captured and arrested, on August 6, 1962 prior to his 27 years of incarceration. Standing at a particular point the columns come into focus and the image of Nelson Mandela can be seen. The sculptor is Marco Cianfanelli, of Johannesburg.

click for gallery
Peter wrote:
Subject: Body Paint by a 19 year old girl from Japan-Disturbingly Clever
Some of these pictures are a bit CREEPY!!!!!!!!! But what a GOOD paint job she's done........
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Uni Fountain Babes
You posted in Random Shite this past week a picture of a guy in a fountain bowl being approached by an officer on a segway. That's Oklahoma State University in Stillwater, Oklahoma. That was in the winter when it's drained to avoid a freezing of the pipes. Here's something else you might enjoy related to that same fountain bowl, when it's got water. These chicks are my heroes for doing this. Sexy and hilarious!
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: before and after
Pictures of before and after.. Hide my details

click for gallery

Brett wrote:
Subject: Buster Knut's Handyman Tips
Buster is Unleashed. Enjoy. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Click for more awesomeness


A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full, with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice "Easy, William, we won't be long.... easy boy".

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say "It's okay William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy".

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice "William, William relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William".

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa".

"Thanks" said the grandfather "but I'm William... the little bastard's name is Kevin!"

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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't impressed. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs Fitzgerald" he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.

The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub!" The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps". The landlord nodded and said "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish".


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I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20 years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said "You are the woman of my dreams... I love you". Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

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A guy goes into a whorehouse and says "What have you got for ten bucks?" "Go upstairs to the attic" says the Madam "there's a girl up there for you".

The man goes up to the attic. He can barely see a girl lying there in the darkness. He climbs on top of her and starts fucking. Then, to his disgust, he notices some kind of slimy gunk coming out of her mouth and nose.

The man runs downstairs and says "I want my money back! That girl is sick or something! She's got something coming out of her nose and her mouth!"

"Oh, sir, I'm so sorry! Here's your money back" says the madam, handing the man his ten bucks. After he leaves, she calls over her assistant. "Listen" she says. "You'd better go to the morgue and steal another stiff. The one in the attic is full".


Okay I'm done. And now I must go. Right after these important messages...

-Check out the site archives. Something for everyone, particularly the forever-alones.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless I can find something better to do...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will send your GF a bunch of dead roses and a signed card from you that says 'fuck you bitch'.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and may you get sex this Valentine's Day. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.02.07-18.54
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Welcome to Orsm.net. All good things.

It would be impossible to sum up the incredible frustration by which I am plagued. "Why don't you build?" they said. That was instead of buying a house and moving on with life. "Sure why not". Since then it's been a tedious process of waiting and just when you think something is about to happen, you wait some more. Site survey, designer, development approval, neighbour permission, quotes, building license, energy ratings. It never fucking ends and there's always some stupid person hiding behind a regulation or process whose job it is to fuck people off [yes, councils pay people money to do this].

And that's how you lose 13 months.

It may as well be that long again too because half of those things are still pending... not forgetting asbestos removal, pest baiting, demolition and site clearing before anything that would constitute actual construction happens. All this might be a bit easier to understand if we were building something radically different. Isn't the case though. We're subdividing and replacing a post-war era piece-of-shit-house with two. Each will have four walls and a roof. Not particularly big. No unusual or experimental construction techniques. Nothing any architectural magazine will want to photograph. Would fucking hate to imagine how long that shit would take.

Apparently it all starts to move really quickly once the slab is down. That day cannot come soon enough and I hope it's right because honestly, if I had my time again, I would have bought -anything- and saved the headache.

Moving on. As all the kids in Australia went back to school this week after the summer holidays, it meant different things to different people. For some it was early starts getting them ready, making lunches etc; for others it meant extra traffic on the way to work; some may now even be enjoying a lower crime rate; the rest of us saw our Facebook newsfeed fill up with countless pics of so-and-so's first day at school. Sigh. When we were kids mum used to line us up out the front of the house and take one photo with a Pentax 35mm SLR. You wouldn't see the pic until months later when the film was finished and eventually developed. Don't recall her making copies and sending to everyone she knows either. No one would have cared! But as they say - the more things change the more they stay the same. Nowadays mums snap 50 photos with their iPhone and upload them all within seconds yet still, no one cares.

Alright on to everything else. Unnecessarily-early-wake-up-Saturday begot some exercise. Finally have activities back to where they should be - daily. Amazing how much more energy I have and how much easier it is to concentrate by pumping out a 5km walk first thing. Afterward, thanks to some miracle, I had nothing planned all morning so set about washing the car. Next stop was food shopping. Without question the best place to go on a hot day is a large shopping centre within earshot of the coast. It's where every hot girl that's just been at the beach ends up afterward.

Rest of the afternoon was spent at home Skyping some folks and packing boxes before heading to a friends' for dinner. Good conversation and alcohol appreciation through consumption ensued. Was also a reminder that the fitter I am, the more easily I get drunk. Desperately miss the days that it would take 7-8 drinks before feeling anything.

Sunday kicked off same as the day before. Wake early. Walk. Row. From there it was off to visit my gran. We got this book which has all these questions you're supposed to ask the subject about their life, family history, people they've known, places lived and so on. Admittedly the idea sounded lame at first but turns out there's tonnes of questions I've never thought to ask which brought about fascinating stories I never knew. Really, really looking forward to next visit. Next stop was some computer repairs before getting home for lunch and a relax in front on the TV and my first foray into My Kitchen Rules. Usually can't stand this kind of commercial rubbish but with everyone bagging out the two Indian contestants I had to see for myself. Aaaaand I'm a convert. How sad. The remainder of Sunday involved a casual drop in at a friends place... who own a pool. They weren't home so a fence was scaled and refreshing dip took place. Fairly awesome way to wind out the weekend.

Okay now I'm done with the blog babble we should get cracking with February's first update. There will be thrills and surprises, tears and laughter. Most of all prepare to be enthralled. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Click The Bolt - Clueless Bitch - Jap-nam Style - Awesome Boobage - Football Mash Up - Still Hungry? - Vagina Prank

Messed Up - All Class - Raaaage! - Sexy Thai - Fetishy - The Fuk? - Lez Out - Sensitive Vaj - Pure Evil - Bumbling

Concrete Porn - Sweet Teen - Painal - Pool Party - Fiery Reds - N-ASS-ty - Kelly Brook - Did You Cum? - Frog Sushi

Lost my job as a lifeguard yesterday. Apparently refusing a Muslim entry to the pool whilst tapping the "No bombing" sign isn't the appropriate.
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says "I just can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers".
I took a girl back to my place last night and said to her "I just want to pre warn you that I'm going to be an animal in the bedroom tonight". "That's fine by me" she smiled. "Cool, I'll just go and fetch my monkey costume from the cupboard".
Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia... bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner.
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, your fucking next!!"
I was with my gran the other day and a muffled burp came from her nether region. "That's fucking disgusting, nan!" I said. She explained that things get looser with age and it's just trapped air escaping. It ruined our shag.


Australian Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, walked into a branch of the Commonwealth Bank to cash a cheque. Approaching the cashier she said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?" The clerk replies "It would be my pleasure, mam. Could I see your ID please?"

Julia said "Well I didn't bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard you know - the Prime Minister!"

Clerk: "I'm sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters, fraud, forgers and the like, I must insist on proof of identity". Julia: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows me!"

Clerk: "I am very sorry Madam Prime Minister. These are the bank rules and I must follow them". Julia: "And I need this cheque cashed!!"

Clerk: "Perhaps there's another way. One day Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful putt across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque".

"Another time, Shane Warne came in without ID. He pulled out a cricket ball and bowled a fabulous spinner kick where the ball landed in my coffee mug. With that spectacular bowl we cashed his cheque. So mam, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, the Prime Minister?"

Julia stood there thinking. Finally she says "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at".

Clerk: "Will that be $50 notes or $100 notes, Prime Minister?"

click for gallery

Many years ago on a long transatlantic flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit. When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor".

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?" "Very simple ma'am. The captain told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me".


Click for more awesomeness

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale "He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.  "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping".

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals".

"I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired".

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard!"

click for gallery


-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
-The book of incantations was useless. The author had failed to run a spell check.
-When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
-I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
-We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.
-A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.
-A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
-I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
-When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
-I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a licence to Krill.
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
-Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.
-The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
-Math teachers have lots of problems.
-Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-With the apocalypse approaching, armageddon out of here!
-The batteries were given out free of charge.
-Tennis players don't marry because Love means nothing to them.
-I'm not a big fan of archery. It has too many drawbacks.
-The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
-Mummies are bound to be uptight.
-A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
-A will is a dead giveaway.
-If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
-All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.
-No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-I once thought about cloning a new, more efficient brain, but then I realised that I was getting a head of myself.
-Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
-The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
-In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.
-Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
-Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
-Stealing someone's coffee is called 'mugging'.
-You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
-Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
-I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.
-I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
-A boiled egg is hard to beat.
-When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.
-There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
-He has been a jogger for three years running.
-Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
-When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
-Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners.
-When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.
-A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
-My wife tells me I'm a sceptic but I don't believe a word she says.
-Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
-A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said "We don't serve bacteria in this place". The bacteria said "But I work here, I'm staph".
-If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
-A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.
-If you need something done, call an electrician. They conduit.
-A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
-My neighbour just got the part for Scrooge in a local performance. I'd love to go see him, but that play scares the Dickens out of me.
-He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.
-In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
-We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.
-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
-When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
-Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm okay but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
-A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
-The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
-You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!
-Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
-I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.
-When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
-Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

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George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No" but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available". "Okay" said George.

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now" and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT Team, helicopter, two fire trucks, paramedics, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from and is certain that he has a better education then any stupid cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cops expense.

The cop says "Licence please". The lawyer says "What for?" Cop says "Ya didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign mate". Lawyer says "I slowed down and no one was coming".

Cop says "Ya still didn't come to a complete stop eh. Let's see your licence please?"

Lawyer says "What's the difference?" Cop says "The difference is, ya hafta come to complete stop, that's the law... now LICENCE PLEASE!"

Lawyer says "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket".

Cop says "Sounds fair to me. Exit your vehicle, sir"

The lawyer exits his vehicle. The cop takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer.

After a few minutes he says "Now do ya want me to stop... or just slow down??"


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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father, my dog is dead... could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not - we cannot have services for an animal in the church... but there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature".

Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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A few years after I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: mum taught me good from evil, and dad taught me to obey. But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, mum would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honour them.

Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time visitor, however, got away with four letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' house today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.

His name? We just call him "TV".

He has a wife now... we call her "Computer".

Their first child is "Cell Phone".

Second child "iPod"

And more recently came a grandparent to "iPad".


And with that I am DONE. T'was an honour spending the last 4 days stuck in front on my PC bringing it to you bastards so hopefully you enjoyed it. If not...

-Check out the site archives. They are guaranteed to please otherwise your money back!
-Next update will be next Thursday. See you then.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fuck up your shit.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and one coffee please. Espresso. Double. Thanks. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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