Welcome to I came here to chew bubblegum and kick arse... but I'm actually pretty tired so I'll have to circle back - cool?
Finally, FINALLY, the dog caught its tail or however that saying goes. I've been battling to find extra hours to pump into updates all year. I work ahead where ever possible but with a couple of good illnesses, a bike crash and just the general insanity family, of summer and just life, those hours are harder and harder to come by. Don't get me started into all those things nibbling into my normal work week anyway. Is any of this making sense? What I'm trying to say is: I got to today and the update was so far from ready that its a miracle she's even up before midnight. But you know what? The update is nudging something resembling a masterpiece so go forth and enjoy. Check it...
A Rabbi in NYC gets into a taxi and politely asks the driver to Midtown. Suddenly a man with a redneck with Swastika barges into the cab, slams the door and orders the driver to the airport. Furious the cab driver gets out, pulls the redneck out of the cab and proceeds to beat the hell out of him. Meanwhile, the Rabbi is screaming "Stop! Stop!" Unfrazzled, the cab driver continues to beat the shit out of the redneck. A good 5 minutes goes on, the driver beating the redneck and the Rabbi pleading to stop. Finally, the cab driver gets back into his taxi and asks the Rabbi "What's wrong with you? Don't you want me to teach him a lesson?". The Rabbi exclaims "Stop the counter!"
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An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink. The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it. The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead. He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider. Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of them, so the father drank them and ordered whiskey instead. He didn't like any of the Irish whiskeys the father ordered, so the old man drank them and decided to give up. By the time they left the bar. The father was so drunk he could barely push his son's stroller home.
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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages". "Nah" she says "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway".
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Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air. Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost. One says to the other "What shall we do?" The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us. He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help. What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?" The other says "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...
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Three boys are playing outside just after dark, when one of them noticed a light on in a window. Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a peek!" They look in the window and see a pretty woman undressing. Suddenly, Johnnie runs away and the other boys can't find him. The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some kind of faggot or something?" Johnnie replies: "No, my mother told me that if I ever do anything naughty, say anything naughty or even LOOK at anything naughty, God would turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in that window, part of my body start turning to stone, so I ran away!"
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Charlie was thrilled that he was going to explore the chocolate factory. His girlfriend had always been dead against the idea before.
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A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the colour didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?" "And so, here we are!"
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The wife got dressed up for a night out with her friends, then she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least" I said. "Out of 10?" she smiled "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered". Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers.
A small-town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighbouring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
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Wife: "I read yesterday that losing weight can significantly improve a man's sexual health and desire"... Me, from behind the paper: "So which gym did you join?"
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I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel".
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An Australian Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Darwin. The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?" One of the Muslims stands up and shouts "We are invading Australia!" The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud hailer and says "Just the four of you?" The Muslim stands up again and shouts "No, dickhead. We're the last four. The rest are already there!"
A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum.
A stern looking local man approaches him and asks "What's wrong my friend?" He says "My partner left me for another man". "Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the Builder? No. Come with me".
Mario takes the man to the window.
"You see those olive trees? I planted every single one. Dug the soil with my bare hands, tended them from seedling to bear the finest oil in the country. You think they call me Mario the Gardener? No. Follow me".
He takes the young man out to the porch of the bar.
"Look out at that lake. You see those boats? I built every one with my bare hands. I chopped down the trees, cut the planks for every foot of ship and varnished every keel in that dock. Do you think they call me Mario the Shipwright? No. Life can be cruel and unfair my friend".
As they stood there a couple of men from the village round a corner and immediately yell "Hey look, it's Mario the goat fucker!"
THIS ISN'T ONE OF THOSE COVER YOUR BEACH VAGINA UP TYPE OF GALLERIES..
A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other.
The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here". The man replies "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her".
The bar was pretty quiet so the bartender humour's him to see what the gimmick is.
He asks the bartender to put some lively music on. Then he carefully sets the biscuit tin on the counter. Then he gently places the chicken on top and then waits. The bartender stares in utter amazement as the chicken begins hopping and dancing about all over the biscuit tin lid.
"A dancing chicken?! Haha!! People will come from far and wide to my pub to see this amazing spectacle. I must have it. What do you want for it?" "$500 and she's yours".
They make the exchange and the man leaves.
The bartender shouts up the road after him "How do I get it to stop?" The man shouts back "Just open the tin and blow out the candle".
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Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king, the farmer said "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him a very high salary. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way" which he did.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain".
So the king hired the donkey. Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank". "Amazing" he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you". "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a huge tree".
"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem" replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware".
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place and I'll give you a tour" she says .
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down". "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you" the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice". "Oh, it's not coconut juice" winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing" he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me" she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes "You've built a golf course too?"
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A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.
They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.
Peter scratches his chin. "Hmm, I'm not sure. Let me find out". He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.
Well he's gone for a very long time, days at least. The young couple were starting to worry when Peter finally returns. He looks very flustered.
"Yes, you can get married" he says.
So the couple go into heaven, get married, and enjoy the afterlife.
However not long after they begin to realize how terrible eternity with the other person would be and decide to divorce. They go to Saint Peter and asks if they can get a divorce in Heaven. Peter throws down his quill and growls in consternation.
"Do you know how long it took me to find a priest up here?! How fucking hard do you think it'll be finding a lawyer!?"
*REPOST OF LAST WEEKS GALLERY WITH CORRECT LINK* SEXY SNAPCHATS...
LESSON 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the nextdoor neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks "Who was that?" "It was Bob from nextdoor" she replies. "Great!" the husband says "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
LESSON 2 A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world". Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life". Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up" the Genie says to the manager. The manager says "I want those two back in the office after lunch".
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
LESSON 3 A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory".
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
LESSON 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not". So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
LESSON 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
LESSON 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story: 1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy; 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend; 3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
The priest in a small village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about the cockfights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either! Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant! What I really, really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?" Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.
He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy". "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that".
Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn".
The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you".
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!"
The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really big him, you just watch".
The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me".
A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success.
Then one day he passed a barber's shop with a sign in the window that read: "Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have A Head Of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars"
Beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair.
So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender "Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?" "Certainly" said the barber. "It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike".
"Okay then" said the bald man, handing over the money "Let's go for it".
The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful?" I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!"
One day little Johnny comes to school and the teacher says "today we're going practice using the alphabet. I'll start at the beginning and I want all of you to tell me a word that begins with that letter and then use that word in a sentence".
She says "Alright, who can do A?"
Several students raise their hands, including Little Johnny. The teacher thinks I can't call on Johnny, he'll just say arsehole. So, she calls on a girl that always sits in the front row.
The little girl says "A is for apple". The teacher says "Good. Now use it in a sentence". The girl says "Last week I brought you an apple". The teacher replies "That's right, you did. That was very kind".
Next up is B and again little Johnny is raising his hand. The teacher knows he's going to say bitch so she picks a little boy who's really in to sports.
He says "B is for bat. For my birthday, my dad bought me a new baseball bat".
They get to C and Johnny is still raising his hand. The teacher thinks "He wouldn't possibly say cunt, but I better play it safe". She calls on another little girl who says "C is for cat. I have a Siamese cat".
The teacher continues through the alphabet and each time Johnny raises his hand. Running out of students the teacher finally calls on Johnny. He says "R is for rats". The teacher, pleasantly surprised says "Good Johnny. Now use it in a sentence".
Johnny stands up and says "Big fucking rats with foot-long dicks!"
CHI CHI MEDINA... SILLY NAME FOR A VERY TASTY PORNBABE
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
Well there you guys go. Update done, dusted and filed under "Orsm".
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. That means you can look at the stuff without getting in trouble by your wife or FB.
-Check out the archives. Its probably what I'm doing RIGHT now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Well that's the plan at least. Execution remains to be seen.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll lay some sick burns on you. Its possible you will never recover.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do you even have a chems guy anyway...? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.02.18-21.49
Welcome to masturbation impotence.
Have to be a little bit in awe of Facebook's flex today. Dropping the banhammer on ALL news content for Australian users via their platform without warning shows just how much power they have. Hard not think of it other than them controlling what we see though. We woke up this morning to a message from FB saying that because of a spat with the federal government over being forced to pay for news content, they were going to restrict all access to it immediately. Right now, if you go to any news orgs FB page, all the info is there but all the posts are gone. It simply says "No posts yet". Same same when you access any international news pages; it's not just limited to Australian media. Obviously you can go to their websites and it's terrible journalism as usual but I'd kill to know just how much traffic and revenue that has cost FB and all the news sites today. I'm guessing somewhere between "OMFG" and "What the actual cunt, cunt?". The unfortunate side effect was they took down a whole bunch of genuine non-news pages and pages that provide important info people need. Like emergency services and the like. Oops. Also that my shit for brains, radicalised, conspiracy theorist friends posts are showing up way more. I heard some pundit make an excellent point; that FB has spent years apparently unable to do much for users privacy but were able to fix their news problem with the click of a button. Have a feeling this whole ploy is going to backfire and the users will be the losers.
On the plus side, Orsm updates remain unblocked. Like this absolute bloody pearler you're about to gorge yourselves upon. Check it...
A man says to his wife, can I cum in your ear? She says "No you cannot! I might go deaf!" He replies "Funny, I always come in your mouth but you never shut the fuck up".
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Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied "Well, after all we were married 40 years".
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There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home, he told his joke. She says "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me". He thought for a moment and asked "What is the capital of Australia?" She quickly replied "A!"
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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. The therapist is blonde, petite and pretty. She says "If you can tell me where you live, without stuttering, I'll give you a blow job!" First one stammers "BBBirmingham". The next one "MMManchchester" The third one stands up, composes himself, and says "London". She gets his cock out, and gives him the best blowjob he has ever had. As he climaxes, he sighs "... ddderry!"
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I took a bird back to my house for sex last night. Twenty seconds into it, my dick went floppy. She looked at me and said "You can do better than this, surely?" "Of course I can" I said "But you really shouldn't put yourself down like that".
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A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the
defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident. The carpenter replied "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches". "What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer. "Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me, so I measured it!"
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I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore. I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2 inches in diameter that I had difficulty biting. The mystery was solved when a man stepped out of the trees and said "That's mine". Astonished, I asked him "Where did you come from?" He said "From the golf resort just the other side of those trees".
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Three drunk guys get in a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said "We have reached your destination". The first guy gave him money and the second guy said "Thank you". The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?" The third guy replied "Watch your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
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The missus said "Looking at the state of that garden is hurting my eyes. Will you do something about it?" "As you wish, babe" I replied, then got up, closed the curtains and sat back down again.
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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?" "You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea". The man lowered his head and said "Wedding cake".
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his lowly manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son-of-an-ugly-camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons, Oh Illustrious One" stammered the wretched Abdul. "But a man is sitting on the well!"
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A 10-year-old girl asks her mother "Mummy, how was I born?" The mother smiled and replies "Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall, we cut it down and dried it". "... and?" "Then we smoked it and got so high that we boned without a condom".
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Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked "Why are you crying?" The first one replied "I came here for blood test". The second one asked "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger". Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied "I have come for a urine test".
A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials - a brand new sports car.
As they leave the wedding, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had.
"Faster! Faster!!" yells the new bride. "I'll make you a deal" says the groom with a smile. "If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous wife.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off her dress.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was fine, but the groom got jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe and cover yourself" he said.
Holding the shoe over her private area, the girl ran down the road and found a service station.
Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station attendant. "Please help me! My husband's stuck!" The attendant looked at the shoe and said "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far!"
The manager of the bar was showing him around and said "You need to know that the customers here order drinks in a peculiar way". "How so?" asked the new bartender.
"Well, they use a lot of abbreviations instead of the names of the drinks". "Doesn't sound so bad, I think I can handle that".
The manager left the bar and the new bartender started serving the customers.
"What'll you have?" he asked one man. "I'll have an S&S" came the reply.
"What's an S&S?" asked the bartender. "It's a scotch and soda".
The new bartender realised this was one of the abbreviations the regulars used, and fixed the drink for the customer.
After a while, someone else came in and said "I'll have a CWL". The bartender said "CWL? Don't tell me - it's a Corona with lime?" The customer nodded, and the bartender served up his order.
Eventually, a blonde sat down at the bar and said "I'll have a 15". The bartender was puzzled and asked "What's a 15?" "7 & 7" said the blonde.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3am.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time" he thinks, and rolls back over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.
"Hi there" slurs the stranger "can you give me a push?" "Mate, Fuck off! It's 3 am. I was in bed asleep. I don't need this shit!" says the man before slamming the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk!" protested the husband. "It doesn't matter" says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the un-Christian not to help him!"
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please".
Still unable to see the stranger he shouts "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here... on the swing".
On February 29th of last year, something extraordinary happened.
I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own business when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.
Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh.
I turned to look... and that's when I saw him. He wore a tuxedo, the classic black/white combo. Red crash helmet. Big black specs, like novelty size. And he was inexplicably pogoing. Pogoing towards me.
Each vertical lunge felt like a lifetime. As he made his angled ascent, his glasses were knocked off-centre, and as pogo hit pavement, he'd right them again.
This was his ritual.
Why had he singled me out? Why was no one else reacting? What did he want?
Finally, he arrived, landing inches from my face. His forehead shone with sweat as he smiled a broken smile. He nodded softly and I nodded back, as if we were expecting one another. As if this had been ordained. He reached into the interior pocket of his blazer, rummaging around before producing a thick wad of lined paper.
He stared me dead in the eye as he began to rip the first sheet in one deliberate motion. When it was finished, he began with the next - and so it went on.
I was transfixed. Each rip was penetrating, each tear transcendental. It was as if the sound were emanating from deep inside. As if the tectonic plates of reality were fracturing around us.
Perhaps this is the sound that will greet me at heaven's gate, I thought.
And then he was off. Launching skyward with great force as he continued to tear. Leap, tear. Leap, tear, 'til he was out of view.
I was alone again. My mind racing. My day displaced.
Why did he jump so? That blood-red point imprinting the blue beyond. And why did he tear? Each parted sheet lying in a scattered trail, fleecing the concrete like snow.
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
First guy "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend".
Second guy "That's nothing! I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool".
Third guy "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her".
They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on the arse, and said 'Fishing or sex?' and she said 'Wear sunscreen!'"
I'VE KNOWN A FEW ROUGH CUNTS IN MY TIME BUT HOLY SMOKES THESE EFFORTS ARE UP THERE!
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time, and it should cause the ship to turnover and sink.
They tried it and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore".
At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look" she said "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".
The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks 'Hey I could do that'.
The horse calls up a music school and is like "Hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse". The employee says "Don't worry - we can do that".
The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty happy with himself.
'Okay, now I can start a band!' he proclaims.
So, he calls up his friend, a cow and says "Hey, I'm pretty excited about this band I'm starting, do you wanna be my bass player?" Of course!" the cow replies. So the cow calls up the music school and says "Hey I wanna learn bass, just one problem, I'm a cow". "We can do that" replies the employee.
So the cow learns and starts playing with his buddy.
Soon, their friend the sheep gets jealous. He asks "Hey can I be in the band?" "Sure, we could use a drummer" replies the horse. So the sheep calls up music school and says "Hey, I wanna learn the drums, just one problem, I'm a sheep". "We can definitely do that!" says the employee.
So the sheep learns drums and the three friends are officially a band. They work hard, and eventually they write a few songs and make a demo.
A producer reaches out and says he can make them famous. So the band pumps out an album and goes on tour.
At one stop on their tour, the horse gets a call about a family emergency. He explains this to his bandmates and they tell him to go home. He goes back and the emergency soon resolves itself.
He decides to meet his bandmates at the next stop on the tour. The sheep and cow take a plane while the horse takes a train. The plane crashes tragically into the side of a mountain. The horse hears this and is absolutely devastated.
"I've lost my best friends, my bandmates, my whole life" he cries. He decides to hit the bottle and drink his problems away. So the horse walks into a bar, and the bartender say "Why the long face?"
... AND NOW FOR A WHOLE BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO HATE SUNSCREEN !
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5". The Taliban shouted hysterically "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties. Pure silk, and only $5". "Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay" said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace".
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and extending a $5 bill, he gasped "They won't let me in without a tie!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.
The question arises over the course of their debates: What Separates Man From The Animals?
"Technology" says the German "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts".
"I disagree" announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience".
"I say it's art" decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art".
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering "The Channel".
So as expected the economic crisis from the pandemic has hit and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. It's been a simply disastrous start to the week...
-Our bra manufacturer has gone bust. -The specialist in submersibles has gone under.
-A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.
-The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
-The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders. -A tarmac laying company has reached the end of the road.
-The manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation. -The local bakers has run out of dough.
-The clock manufacturer has had to wind down. -The shoe shop has had to put his foot down and given his staff the boot.
-The local computer repair shop is suffering from virus issues. -The Undertaker lost the plot.
-The tyre shop business went flat. -The fencing contractor got posted out of town.
-And the launderette has been taken to the cleaners!
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl".
"Now... We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain".
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
Well fuck me that was a challenging update. Most of the time everything just falls together at the right time and other times, like today, things just don't happen how they should and I find the process it a little bit somewhat kind of slightly annoying. Boo-fucking-hoo poor me though.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Like it did TWICE today. Now that Aussie can't get news on FB anymore I thought I should do my bit.
-Check out the archives. They're all consuming... like an Indian's Uber drivers B.O.
-I'm unsure when the next update will be. Most likely between Wednesday and Friday but neither of those days.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll gaslight you into alienating your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2021.02.11-20.20
Welcome to YOUR mate.
At the risk of sounding like one of them, I admit I don't really love wearing the mask when I go outside. The way it makes my sunglasses steam up shits me plus, the way it makes your face sweat is a strong indicator I won't be seeking work in Japan as a bukkake actress anytime soon. Probably less annoying than getting COVID though. So I'm wearing the mask... even though there's no need to AT THE MOMENT. What's more, the 12-day mandatory use comes to an end this weekend so all in all a pretty fucking minor inconvenience. I'll feel more justified having a whinge when we have a lockdown lasting longer than Melbourne's 111-day effort last year. Fuck. That. Shit.
One bunch of cunts intent on making COVID work for them are Indian phone scammers. We had a bunch of them call last week as we went into lockdown up to their usual tricks - trying to fix our internet, from my bank confirming a payment and so on. I suppose if they weren't ever successful, they might've stopped by now. Yesterday's dickhead was actually entertaining. I jumped straight to being very busy and if I could just give him my credit card info now, I could go back to what I was doing. He insisted he didn't want anything from me, was just calling to help. LOL dickhead. The problem with all this is when the phone rings and the voice on the other end is not Australian, you immediately go into anti-scammer mode. Not exactly foolproof though. In the same week I received a call from a fellow with a thick accent saying something about an online form. Just as I was about to impolitely end the call, something inside told me to wait. Turns out he was following up an inquiry I'd made online to a government department and had forgotten all about. Guy was actually very helpful but can't help wonder whose idea it was to have him calling the general public and did they only do it so they can later playback the abuse he receives for the lulz?
Alright, folks. As usual that bunch of words didn't end up where I thought it would... which isn't saying much because I didn't plan for it to end up anywhere in particular. Well, except to say that today's update is an absolute fucking work of art. That's it. That's all. Check it...
The milkman goes to the door to collect his money, when he knocks the door swings open and he walks in. The place is a mess, beer bottles and liquor bottles everywhere. He is just about to leave when the lady of the house comes down the stairs. He looks at her then looks at the mess. She catching the hint, explains that they had a big party last night. The milkman spots a blanket in the corner with holes all cut out. "What was that for?" He asked
Well she explained "We were playing party games last night. We had all the men line up behind the blanket and stick there penis's out the holes. Then all the women went along and tried to guess who's was whose". Man that must have been some party wish I here!" "Well you might as well have been here. Your name came up several times..."
--
Ruth and Golda were walking along High Street. Ruth says "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes". Golda says "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?" Ruth replies "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes... who knows?" "Well" says Golda "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you". So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles".
--
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other "Boy, business sucks. If don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse!" "Too late" he noticed a beautiful blonde, sitting two stools away. Immediately, he offered apologies for his use of bad language. "That's okay" the blonde replied "I'm a stripper, and I have a very similar problem, If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car!"
--
Three bikers are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them and points at the guy in the middle, shouting "Your mum's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says "I just did your mum, and it was sweeeeet!" Again the biker refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces "Your mum bloody loved it!" Finally the biker interrupts "Go home, dad, you're drunk!"
--
Two Republicans and a Democrat see a homeless guy. One of the Republicans reaches in his pocket and pulls out a quarter, gives it to the guy, and says "Don't spend it all in one place". The Democrat is shocked, and says "That's disgusting". So, he turns to the other Republican and asks for a 20. He then hands it to the homeless man and says "Remember who took care of you".
--
Muslim kid just got out of school and he got into the car with his mum. The mum asks "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies "I had sex with the teacher". The mum was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. The father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his son's room and says "Alah Akbar Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike". Later that day they got the bike and the father asks "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies "Not now father, my butt still hurts".
--
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin. "Tell me, officer... would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course. I think the police are wonderful but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a dick?" "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct". "What about if I were just to think it?" "No sir. You can think whatever you like". "In that case, I think you're a dick".
Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house. He managed to escape by hopping over the fence. I'm proud of the wife though - she must have put up some fight cos she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk!
--
An anti-vaxxer, a flat earther and an scientist walk into a restaurant. They see a sign that says "Finish our famous 32 oz steak in 15 minutes with 2 friends, win $200! Entry fee: $50" The scientist looks at the other two and says "Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" He takes a brief pause and then says "Oh yeah I forgot, you two can't think".
--
"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave. "Hadn't you heard about Bill?" said the barber. It was a very sad case. He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?" "Sure, go ahead!" said the customer.
--
Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car. The operator asks for his location. Jack says "I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road". The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks "How do you spell that?" There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. "Jack?" says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting. "Sorry about that" says Jack. "I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street".
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get blind drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent".
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent".
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"
A man kissed his best friend's girlfriend while they were all out at the club one night.
Feeling guilty the next day, he decides to call his best friend and tell him what had happened.
When his friend answers, he goes "Hey buddy, I have to tell ya something". "Yeah, what's up?"
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid off and say it. Remember last night, when we went out with your girlfriend to that club down the street?" "Yeah, that was fun... what about it?"
The man sighs "I ended up alone with your girlfriend at one point, and we were both drunk, and we ended up kissing while you weren't looking. I'm really sorry, but I felt like I had to tell you".
The line is silent for a good two minutes until his friend says "Oh, alright then".
The man, confused, goes "So you're not mad at me?" His friend simply goes "Nope".
The man, now bewildered out of his mind, asks "But are we still friends?" His friend once again says "Nope".
The man then says "What are we then?"
A few seconds pass by before his friend goes "Even" and hangs up the phone.
Three couples are trying to get married at the same church.
There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex" says the priest.
One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple "Have you completed the month with sex?" "Yes we have, it was easy" replies the elderly couple.
"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple. "It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month" they respond.
"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple. "No we couldn't do it" responds the boyfriend.
"Tell me why" says the priest. "Well, my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened".
The priest then tells them "You're not welcome in my church". "We're not welcome in the supermarket either" says the boyfriend.
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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three coins to play with.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face turning blue! The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.
A well-dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the coin.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her.
I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No" the woman replied. "I'm with the Tax Office".
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT NURSES? LET ME SHOW YOU...
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Coronavirus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to Coronavirus, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now".
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony".
"Thank you, Father" answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth".
"All of these ideas have been well and good" said the elderly priest "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional". "But Father" protested the young priest "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes" replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that... but the flashing neon sign 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof".
GOTTA LOVE A GIRL WITH THE CONFIDENCE TO FLAUNT IT TOPLESS
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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There are 500 bricks on a plane, and one falls off. How many are left?
499.
What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge.
What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
The giraffe because he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how?
An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.
He found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, it took him a few months to venture to the local pub. Walking in, her asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank all three and left.
After a few days of this, ordering his usual three at a time, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I pride meself on fast attentive service. You can just order the one and I'd be glad to come with the refills as promptly as ye need 'em". As the other patrons looked on and listened in to what the bartender and the odd gentleman were conversing about, the young man said "Oh, not ya don unnastand... ya see, me an me two brothers made a pact since they've both left Ireland and gone off to seek their fame and fortunes in America and Australia. We promised each other we'd always order our drinks in three, so as to never forget each other".
This tradition continued for decades, even after the businessman retired and the years had taken their toll on the now greying man.
Then, one day, the man walked into the bustling pub and said to the barkeep "Evenin' Jack... I'll take me usual 'cept I'm afraid It'll be only 2 pints tonight, and from now on".
As he shuffled to his usual place near the back corner of the bar, the expression on the barkeeper's face went cold, as he lost all colour. The nearby patrons sunk their heads in sorrow and the volume of the bustling pool and dartboard players and regulars went noticeably silent. The barkeep brought the 2 pints to the old man, and said "On me behalf and behalf of everyone here at McSorley's, may I express our condolences on the loss of your dear brother".
The old man scanned the bar, all the patrons were standing, hats in hand, with their glasses all raised in honour.
The old man said "Loss of me brother? What's this all about? I just spoke to both me brothers only this week! What're ye all going on about?" The barkeeper replied "But what about always ordering drinks in three's to keep ye brother's memories alive? Did not one of them pass?" The old man replied "AH fook nooo lad..!! It's just that I've quit drinking!"
spain sure does know a thing or two about producing beautiful women...
Well... how was that for you dudes? Good? I don't know why I even ask - OF COURSE it was.
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I'll remind myself to post some stuff next week. I've reminded myself in the past and it has occasionally worked.
-Check out the archives. Like every Orsm update literally ever saved for your perusing pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Get the dogs.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll start using the US dictionary for Orsm updates.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and **** a mask. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
orsmupdate 2020.02.04-21.00
Welcome to what does her name was?
Despite trying to maintain and upbeat and positive attitude, I'm starting to feel like this year is going to be a piece of shit. Like give 2020 a good run for its money piece of shit. Recent [and new!] injuries aside, this week has seen us plunge back into lockdown for the first time since mid-2020. Feels like so long ago I can barely remember it and things have been on an upward trajectory ever since. No community transmission of COVID for 10 months, no mask wearing, easing of social distancing, toilet paper readily available, restaurants and bars mostly back to normal and all the other good stuff that happens when you live in a bubble. And then Sunday morning rumours began spreading about going back into lockdown. All sounded a bit Chinese whispers-esque until the Premiere fronted the cameras explaining a security guard working in hotel quarantine got infected and that we were going into a 5-day lockdown. People flooded the shops and Sunday full retard.
Of course there's been no shortage of people complaining it was an overreaction and I'm sure we're going to hear even more of that as lockdown lifts tomorrow night; that the infected security guard didn't manage to spread COVID around. Fucking go for it, folks! I would much rather take the 5 days and minimise the chance of months of restrictions and getting sick. The thing that really got me though was how quickly life changed. One poor dude, apparently through no fault of his own, affected the lives of 2M+ people. Also pretty impressed that I haven't seen one single person not wearing a mask. Yeah we'd all be happier not wearing them but given the choice between suffering masks for a few days versus a prolonged lockdown, it's a no-brainer.
If all that shit wasn't bad enough. There's been massive bush fires raging all week to the east. Over 80 homes lost and still not under control. Pretty heartbreaking to see the people on the news standing in the ashes of what was once their house. Can't even imagine how I'd go with that.
The only other event to add to all this was a cyclone to our far north, which I think has now begun to dissipate. Was never a threat to anyone around here except for a forecasted wet weekend but just a good example of when it rains it fucking pours.
Alrighty then. Lets do the update, dudes. I feel like I don't have to sell it... but if you need me to - here you'll find hours of amazing free entertainment including jokes, videos, girls, Random Shite and a whole bunch of other stuff you never knew you so desperately needed. Check it...
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over. "Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says. The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling at you, I'm smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man". The girl replies "Aww you sweet old man!" leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on. The old man turns to his friend and says "Two-nil motherfucker, your turn".
--
"How does my new toupee look?" Noah asks his family. "Honest opinions only". His son says "It looks great, dad!" His wife says "It looks totally realistic!" His uncle says "It looks like something crawled up and died there". Lo and behold, Noah throws his uncle over the side of the ark, never to be seen again. Coming to his senses, he apologises, then turns to the animals. "And how does my outfit look? Honest opinions only". The horse says "Great! The colours really go together". The parrot says "I couldn't have said it better myself". The unicorn says "Bozo called, he wants his tie back".
--
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone. "The evening was a disaster" he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
--
There once was a man who was always cold. No matter how many layers of clothes he wore, or how much heat he was exposed to, he would be shivering. He was a good, pious man, so when he died, God took him up to Heaven. While the man was very appreciative, he said "Please God, it's just too cold here. Please take me down to Hell so I can be warm for once". God agreed and sent him down to Hell. A few years passed and God decided to check in on the pious man, just to see if he'd changed his mind. He opened the door to Hell and asked "Have you changed your mind? Would you like to come back to Heaven?" The pious man replied "I'm fine God, but just one thing, could you please shut the door, you're letting in the cold!"
--
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is". While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother".
Two fleas are on a fanny. One's a junkie, the other a pervert. How can you tell them apart? The junkie is sniffing the crack, and the pervert is hiding in the bush!
--
A man and a woman meet in the elevator of a high-rise office building. The woman asks for the 10th floor and tells the man she is going to donate blood. She says that she's able to donate once a month and that she earns $10 each time. The man laughs and says that he's going to the 20th floor to donate his sperm. He tells her that he is able to donate every day during his lunch hour and that he earns $20 every day. The next day the same man and same woman find themselves in the same elevator. The man says "Hey, are you going to donate blood again so soon?" The woman shakes her head from side to side and mumbles "Muh muh".
--
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex". The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
The United Way realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumble "Uh... no, I didn't know that".
"Secondly" says the lawyer "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children".
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring a huge array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says "I'm so sorry, I had no idea".
And the lawyer says "So... if I didn't give any money to any of them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
He wants to celebrate with his wife the beginning of the nineties and want to organise a big meal.
He asks the butcher for some beef to which he replies "Sorry comrade, we do not have any beef".
The man then decides to go to another butcher down the street but he also tells him he has no beef either.
The man is still determined to find some beef. And so, he goes to every market, grocery and butcher in town but, alas, none seem to have any.
Frustrated, upon asking the last butcher in town he exclaims "This country is pure crap! It can't even provide with some meat for its citizens!"
After saying that and rushing out of the shop he is stopped by a KGB agent who tells him "Careful comrade. Consider yourself lucky, if you had said that some years ago things would have gone very differently, if you know what I mean" and, as he says that, he mimics being shot in the head with a gun.
When the man finally returns home his wife asks him "Let me guess... they run out of beef, didn't they?" "Worse" the man replied "they run out of bullets".
JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE GREAT OUTDOORS COULDN'T GET ANY BETTER...
A state trooper from West Virginia comes across the scene of a single car accident. Taking stock of the situation he begins to write his report.
First, he sees a car overturned by the side of the road and begins to write on his form: "k-a-r in d-i-c-h".
He pauses, thinks to himself "That doesn't look right", scratches out the 'k', replaces it with a 'c' and crams a 't' between the 'i' and 'c', and reviews his work. It now reads "Car in ditch". Yup, he thinks, that looks right.
So, he looks around the scene some more and discovers a headless body by the side of the road and begins to add to his report: "b-o-d-e-e in d-i-t-c-h". He pauses, thinks to himself "That doesn't look right" scratches out the 'e's' and adds a 'y'. Again, he looks over his report. It now reads "Body in ditch". Yup, he thinks, that looks right.
Finally, he takes one last look around the site of the accident. He notices, lying on the road, the unfortunate person's head. He begins to write on his report: "H-e-d on b-u-l-i-v-a-r-d". Again, he pauses, thinks to himself "that doesn't look right" and begins to edit:
"H-e-A-d on b-o-l-e-v-a-r-d...."
"H-e-a-d on b-u-l-l-i-v-a-r-d....."
"H-e-a-d on b-u-l-l-y-v-a-r-d...."
The trooper looks around one last time. First left, then right, he sees nothing else. He takes a step and makes a mighty kick and finishes his report.
The King had a beautiful daughter, the Princess. But there was a problem. Everything the Princess touched would, no matter what - metal, wood, stone, you name it - anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.
One wizard told the King "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured".
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he announced a competition: Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
Three young Princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel but, alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The Prince went away sadly.
The second Prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt but, alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third Prince approached. He told the Princess "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there". The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red with embarrassment. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the Kingdom was overjoyed. And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
Answer: M&M's, of course, they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this...
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.
I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. "But we didn't use them" I protested. ''Well, they are here, and you could have" explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here" the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows" I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have" the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00". ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife" I replied. "But I didn't..." exclaims the Manager. I said "Well, she was here, and you could have".
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: TALKING DOG FOR SALE"
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running".
"The jetting around really tired me out though, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired".
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars".
The guy says "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies: "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that shit".
A man and a woman who had never met before, and who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold". "I have a better idea" she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married".
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "'Good" she replied "Get your own darn blanket".
After a moment of silence, he farted.
BIKINIS: VERY MUCH A LESS IS MORE KIND OF SITUATION!
A cop walking his beat downtown late one Saturday night comes across an inebriated fellow stumbling around on the sidewalk in front of a bar.
He approaches the drunkard, who is well plastered and hasn't yet seen him coming.
"Evening, friend. How we doing tonight?" "Oh officer" says the drunk "Am I glad to see you, sir! Listen, somebody stole my car!"
"Huh. Got your car, did they?" Sceptical, the cop prods him. "Well, tell me, where did you last see it?"
The drunk holds up his keychain and mumbles "It was right here, right on the end of this key".
Cop stops for a second and maybe deep in his mind somewhere he wonders how his life ever came to this. But that doesn't solve the problem at hand. "Friend" he says, thinking quickly "the Precinct House is three blocks behind me, right back that way. Just follow this street and you can't miss it. Now, you just head down there and tell them what happened. They'll file the appropriate paperwork and get an investigation started for you. Sound good?"
Satisfied with this answer, the drunk obliges. "Wow, thank you officer, I really appreciate it. I'll get down there right now". And he starts to walk off.
"All right, good luck with your case then, citizen" says the cop. But before the drunk gets away he adds "Oh hey my friend, before you go down there to the station, why don't you zip up that fly? Your cock's hanging right out the front of 'em".
Drunk looks down and sure enough there's his dick just waving in the wind. His expression suddenly saddens. "Ohhh officer... I think they got my girl too!"
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
God said "Adam, I want you to do something for Me". Adam said "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said "Go down into that valley". Adam said "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said "Cross the river". Adam said "What's a river?"
God explained that to him.
And then He said "Go over to the hill..." Adam said "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave". Adam said "What's a cave?"
After God explained, He said "In the cave you will find a woman". Adam said "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said "I want you to reproduce". Adam said "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath) "Geez..."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back...
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily "What is it now?" And Adam said "What's a headache?"
He thinks to himself 'I'm gonna need to make this night perfect so I can get laid!'
He thinks about what he'll need. 'I'll need a perfectly fitted tuxedo so I look good so I can get laid!'
So he goes to the tailor and sees an incredibly long line. It's prom day so he's not the only one thinking along these lines. All these other guys want to have the perfect prom and get laid.
So he settles in to the back of the line and waits. Everybody is talking about getting a perfectly fitted tuxedo to have the perfect prom night so they can get laid.
Behind Dude, the line is getting longer and longer. Eventually he makes it to the front entrance of the tuxedo shops and he sees tailors hustling and bustling to get all these young men fitted with tuxedos.
A while longer and he gets to the front desk. "I'd like a fitted tuxedo, please!" The woman behind the counter goes to the back room and when she gets back she announces to the whole shop "Sorry everybody, we just sold our last tux!"
Everyone forming the line behind Dude looks on with envy as he gets measured and fitted for his tuxedo. "Sucks to be them, I'll be getting laid for sure!"
As he leaves in his nice suit, he thinks to himself once more, what does he need for a perfect prom night? A bouquet of flowers. Roses are his honey's favourite. So he makes his way to the florist and sees the massive line formed outside, and settles himself in the back and waits. The line grows behind him as he slowly reaches the front of the store and everybody is chatting about getting the perfect bouquet for a perfect prom night to get laid. As he reaches the front entrance he can see florists hustling and bustling to arrange perfect bouquets for the perfect prom nights of all the young men in town. When he reaches the front desk, he asks for a bouquet of a dozen rose's. The woman behind the counter heads over to grab the only bouquet in sight and announces to the store "Sorry yall, we just sold the last of our flowers!". All the boys lined up behind Dude look on with envy as he leaves the store in his nicely fitted tuxedo holding his fine bouquet of roses.
He thinks to himself once more, what else do I need for the perfect prom night so I can get laid? A limousine, of course! So he heads to the limo rental yard and sees a massive line and settles himself in the back. It's getting a little late, but at the rate this line is moving he should be right on time. The line grows behind him as he slowly moves towards the front terminal. He recognises the guy in front of him, in a nicely fitted tuxedo holding a bouquet of daisies, as his girlfriend's best friend's boyfriend, Guy. They begin to chat and Dude tells him about his amazing luck earlier in the day getting both the last tuxedo and the last bouquet. As they make it to the front counter, Guy asks for a limo and the man looks at his clipboard and announces to the line. "We have no more available limousines. Sorry, folks!" And says to Guy "You're pretty lucky, you got the last one". Guy turns around and says "Dude, we'll share this one!". They high five as the boys in the line behind them look on in envy.
Dude and Guy pick up their girlfriends in their limo with their perfect bouquets and their perfect tuxedos and make their way to the school. They dance and mingle and have a wonderful time. Eventually, Guy approaches Dude while holding a drink. "You're not gonna believe this, Dude, but after waiting so long so many times today I got thirsty and when I went to grab a drink, there was no punch line!" Dude instantly flies in to a rage. "You mean I sat and waited in 3 long lines, paying close attention to everything just to lengthen the run of this anti joke that absolutely nobody would read in its entirety and has probably already skipped to the bottom to spoil the punch line?" Guy nods.
GIVEN THE CHANCE, JUST HOW HARD WOULD YOU DESTROY JESSA BLUE?
Pierre, the famous French fighter, was flying over occupied territory when he was shot down.
A farmer's daughter rescued him and took him to a secluded barn to nurse him back to health. When he was fully recovered Pierre told the farmer's daughter he would take her for a picnic as a reward.
The picnic went well until the farmer's daughter turned amorous and she said "Oh, Pierre kiss me, kiss me!"
Pierre the famous French fighter pilot agreed and before he kissed her opened a bottle of red wine and poured it over her lips. He then proceeded to give her the best kiss of her life!
But she proclaimed "Pierre, that was amazing, but what was with the red wine?" He replied "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, if I eat red meat, I drink red wine!"
Oh, she said "Pierre kiss me lower, kiss me lower!" So Pierre opened a bottle of white wine and poured it over her breasts. As he suckled on her breasts, the farmer's daughter proclaimed "That was amazing, but what was the white wine for?" Pierre replied "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot. If I eat white meat, I drink white wine!"
The farmer's daughter in throws of passion says "Oh, Pierre, kiss me lower, kiss me lower! So Pierre the famous French fighter pilot opens a bottle of brandy and pours it over the farmer's daughter pubic region and then flicks a match onto it, igniting it!
The farmer's daughter immediately starts smacking the fire out, and says "What the hell are you doing?" Pierre replies "I'm Pierre the famous French fighter pilot. If I'm going down, I'm going down in flames!"
Well bros that's Orsm DONE for this week. I hope you enjoyed surfing it as much as I enjoyed putting it all together. If not, come back next week and I'll have another crack at it...
-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Go onnnnnnn.
-Next update will be next Thursday. ??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll put in a bad word about you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to mispell words like you usually do. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
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