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February 2023...
orsmupdate 2023.02.23-17.55

Welcome to BETA 5.

Curiosity finally got the better of me and I decided to give ChatGPT a whirl. The first thing I asked it to do was write a blog post for me. "Sure! What topic would you like me to write about?" "boobs". "I'm sorry, but I cannot write a blog post on that topic as it would be inappropriate and offensive. Is there another topic I can assist you with?" "breasts". "I'm sorry, but I cannot write a blog post on that topic as it would be inappropriate and offensive. Please refrain from making inappropriate requests. Is there another topic I can assist you with?" Oh FFS. "LIFE"

"Life is a journey that we all embark on, each with our own unique experiences, challenges, and victories. It's a journey full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and unexpected surprises. But despite its unpredictability, life is also a journey that can be incredibly fulfilling and rewarding.

One of the most important things to remember about life is that it's not a destination, but rather a process. We're constantly learning, growing, and changing as we navigate through the different stages of life. And while it's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day stresses and challenges that we all face, it's important to remember that each moment is an opportunity to learn and grow.

In order to make the most of our journey through life, it's important to have a clear sense of purpose and direction. This can mean different things to different people, whether it's finding your passion and pursuing it, making a positive impact on the world, or simply living a life that's true to your values and beliefs.

At the same time, it's also important to embrace the unpredictability of life and be open to new experiences and opportunities. Sometimes the greatest joys and rewards in life come from taking risks and stepping outside of our comfort zones.

Of course, life is not always easy, and we all face our fair share of challenges and obstacles. But it's important to remember that these challenges are also opportunities for growth and self-discovery. By facing our fears, overcoming obstacles, and persevering through tough times, we can emerge stronger, more resilient, and more self-aware than ever before.

Ultimately, life is what we make of it. Whether we choose to focus on the positives or dwell on the negatives, the journey is ours to define. By embracing the process, pursuing our passions, and staying open to new experiences, we can make the most of our journey through life and find true fulfillment and happiness along the way".

TLDR; the future doesn’t look good for sex robots. Check it...

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth... wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife "Mary... I've not much time left. So I want to ask you something that's bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the truth... is Aiden really my son?" Mary says "Seamus, as God is my witness, I swear on all that's good and holy that Aiden is indeed your child". With that Seamus breathed a sigh of relief, his last breath in this world. Mary closed his eyes, pulled the blanket over his face and said "Whew... thank God he didn't ask about the other three!"
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son". "Don't call me son" I said. "You're not my dad". He scratched his head "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tyres and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his arse".
My wife died recently. I remember her last words: "You said you would hold the fucking ladder you cuuuuuunt!"
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient "When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer. "I didn't" said the doctor. "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer. "No, I did not" the doctor said. "So in other words" the lawyer said "when you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead". "Well, let me put it this way" said the doctor "at that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"
I was sat on the toilet the other night, straining really hard, with all my might when suddenly, there was a loud *POP* and everything when dark. "Honey are you okay!?" called my wife from the other room. "There's been a blackout!" "Thank God for that!" I shouted back "I thought my fucking eyeballs had burst!"
Two fishermen from Texas decide to try ice fishing for the first time. They drive up to Wisconsin and stop at the tackle shop by the lake side. One fisherman buys a couple of ice picks and leaves while the other buys some bait. A little while later, the first fisherman comes back and buys 6 more ice picks, which the shop keeper is happy to supply, but is a little curious about. 20 minutes later, the fisherman comes back in and attempts to buy all the remaining ice picks. By this time, the shop keeper's curiosity is getting the better of him and he says "Sure, I'll sell you the rest of my ice picks, but I gotta ask... whatcha need so many for?" The fisherman replies "We still can't get the boat in the water!"
Three women, two younger and one elderly, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound, the young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped, the others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said "I have a microchip under my skin". A few minutes later a phone started ringing, the other young woman lifted her palm and began speaking, when she had finished, she explained "That's my mobile phone, I had a microchip put in as well - so easy!" The older woman thought very hard as she did not want to look low tech in front of the younger generation and finally had an idea. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom, returning with toilet paper hanging from her nether regions. As she returned the two young girls stared with raised eyebrows and the older woman, feeling very smug said "Well will you look at that - I'm just getting a fax!"

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An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman are walking in a park when a genie appears out of nowhere. The genie also magics up a slide and says to them "Whatever you wish for when sliding down this slide will be waiting at the bottom for you". The Englishman goes first "Gold!" He yells as he slides down, and, true to the genie's word, he lands in a huge room, full to the brim with gold. The Scot goes down and says "Jewels!" and he also lands in a room filled with jewels. Finally, it is the Irishman's turn and, as he goes down the slide, yells out "Weeeeee!"
I've been trying to get an appointment to see my doctor for ages. I finally saw him on Tuesday and showed him the rash on my nuts. He just ignored me and continued pushing his trolley around Bunnings.
Two Irishmen went into a pub in Dublin and asked for two pints of Guinness. The barman, cleaning the tables said "Sorry we don't open for another hour". One of the men asked "Do you mind if we wait?" "No" said the barman "would you like a pint while you're waiting?"
Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus. He was watching pornography over my shoulder.


John was attending his buddy's wedding and everything was normal.

The ceremony was at a beautiful church in the countryside, the officiant gave an insightful speech on the meaning of marriage, and the bride and groom were beaming throughout the whole thing.

John couldn't have been happier for his friend.

After exchanging vows, the bride and groom announced that they needed some time before joining the rest of the party at the reception. John didn't really know anyone else attending, so he went on a walk around the grounds by himself.

He was enjoying the countryside and the evening summer breeze, when he came across an odd scene behind the church - the bride and groom had set up an impromptu archery range, and the bride was standing there, bow and arrow in hand, shooting arrow after arrow at the target set up down range.

However, every arrow went wildly off course. To complete the scene, after every shot, the groom was standing next to his bride with a spray bottle, spraying her with water each time.

Thoroughly confused, John went back in the church, looking for someone to confide in. He went up to the officiant who was still packing up from the ceremony. John said "Did you know that the groom is out back spraying the bride with water while she's horrible at archery?"

The officiant just stared blankly at John, so he repeated himself. The officiant suddenly seemed to realise. The officiant said "Ah, sorry, I didn't know what you were talking about. You see, I pronounce them Mister and Misses".


Previously: NIP #5 - NIP #4 - NIP #3 - NIP #2 - NIP #1 - MORE >>


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A saloon was having a shooting competition and a cowboy asked the bartender if he could convince people he had a dog that could shoot, would the bartender give him free drinks for the rest of the night, as compensation for bringing in more guests?

The bartender agreed but asked how he'd convince everyone of that. The cowboy said he knew the secret that the saloon was built over old gallows and there was a trapdoor that was barely visible on the floor. All they had to do was put the shooting booth on top of the trap door and put up a curtain around the shooting booth when it was the dogs turn and say the curtain is necessary because the dog is shy, then the cowboy comes up from the trapdoor points the gun out of the curtain shoots and everyone will think it's the dog.

The bartender said he thinks even his dumbest regulars aren't stupid enough to fall for that but it's worth a try and if anything goes wrong and people find out then it's all on the cowboy, the cowboy agrees.

The night comes and everyone lines up at the booth waiting for their turn to shoot and then the bartender makes an announcement that there's a dog that can shoot but he needs a curtain around the booth because he is shy and he gets 4 shots just like everyone else.

Everybody laughs as the dog goes into the booth thinking it's a joke then the curtain is put up. As the gun came out from the curtain and hit every target perfectly, everyone gasped and couldn't believe it! Everyone watched as the gun came out the curtain two more times and got perfect shots and they all cheered every time.

But on the fourth time the curtain fell down to reveal the cowboy holding the gun.

The cowboy froze knowing he was probably about to get his ass beat for making a fool of everyone the whole night but before he could explain anything a big burly guy stepped forward and shouted "Hey! Give the gun back to the dog and get back in line, it's still his turn!"



Previously: #32 - #31 - #30 - #29 - #28 - #27 - #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - MORE >>



An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts "Yes, I am!"

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again... but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


Previously: TATS #9 - TATS #8 - TATS #7 - TATS #6 - TATS #5 - TATS #4 - TATS #3 - TATS #2 - TATS #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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On board an aircraft carrier there are 3 generals - one American, one Russian and one Aussie.

Just for bragging rights, the American general says "American soldiers are the bravest. Watch! Smith, jump into the sea, swim around the vessel and come back!"

Smith jumps into the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier, and jumps back. The American general looks at the other two and says "Ha! Is that bravery or what!?"

The Russian says "That's nothing. Look! Dmitri, come here. Jump into the sea, swim around the ship 3 times, kill a shark with a knife and come back!"

Dmitri jumps into the sea, swims around the aircraft carrier 3 times, kills a shark with his knife, and jumps back with the dead shark.

The Russian looks at the other two and says "Ha! Is that bravery or what!?"

The Aussie general says "That's nothing. Watch! Thomas, come here. Jump into the sea, swim 10 times around the ship, kill a shark with your bare hands and come back!"

Thomas replies "Go fuck yourself!".

The Aussie general looks at the other two and says "Ha! Is that bravery or what!?"

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A father and his 13-year-old son were on a bus going home.

A very attractive woman boards to which the loudly son said "Dad, check out the tits on that chick!

His father, slightly embarrassed asked him "What did you say, boy?" to which he repeated "check out the tits on that chick!"

The father, embarrassed, gets off at the next stop and took the boy home. Upset and frustrated, he told his mother that their son was getting a foul mouth and he couldn't believe the language coming out of him. His mother, while distraught, convinces her husband that the best way to reform their son is to send him to military school where he would get the right discipline.

Five years pass with the boy gone. He graduates and comes back an 18-year-old man on his way to the Navy.

His father, wanting to test him out on his behaviour, gets on the bus with his son. They pay the male bus driver and take their seats, saying little to nothing on the ride.

A very attractive woman gets on the bus to which the father says to his son "Hey boy, check out the tits on that chick!"

His son says nothing. The father, thinking he's intentionally holding back, repeats himself "Say boy, check out the tits on that chick!"

His son excitedly responded "Forget the tits, dad. Get a load of the arse of the bus driver!"


RANDOM SHITE 2023 02 23

Previously: 16th Feb. - 9th Feb. - 2nd Feb. - 19th Jan. - 12th Jan. - 20th Dec. IV & III - II - I - 8th Dec. - MORE >>

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A Welsh farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one? Or I can give dad a message". said the boy.

"Well" said the farmer uncomfortably "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard".




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Well, I suppose everyone may be wondering what now and both the long and short answer is - this is the end of the update. If you've enjoyed everything to this point you needn’t fret because there is more. Way more. Read:

-Follow me on Facebook. Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
-Check out the archives. Every single Orsm update ever for something approaching a quarter of a century would you believe.
-Next update will be next Thursday. March! Fucking March!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ??
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2023.02.16-20.21

Welcome to will all the woke cunts please go back to sleep.

Have had no shortage of fuckwits to entertain me whilst selling shit on Marketplace lately. I listed an item for about $300. Wasn't long before the messages started. "This'll be easy" I thought. Soon though all the tell-tale signs followed - buyers FB profile says they're located in some communist hold out a million miles away, agrees to buy the item sight unseen for some family member, no haggling on price and then the "I'll make payment via PayID". Umm nope. Block and move on only for a bunch more of the exactly the same shit. Then yesterday we had a winner. Guy wants to come look at the item, send address, I reiterate cash only, he says he's already on the way, has a baby in the car and stopping to get cash is a hassle - he can pay via PayID. He eventually rolls up and stands on the driveway waiting for me to come out. I know this because I'm watching the dodgy little fucker on CCTV and the physically reaction when he spots my wonderfully overspecced CCTV pointed right at him. By this point I have him, his car and license plate recorded in brilliant 4k. The images are so clear you can actually see him deciding whether to go or stay. He chooses the latter, and I go out to the garage for a chat. He likes the item, wants to take it with him and again insists on PayID payment. No, go get cash out and come back. Which to his credit he does, and whaddya know... the cash machine isn't working. Again no, there are at least two other places right next to the machine that will give you cash out. At this point I look him in the eye and say "I'm sure you're not a scammer, but it's cash only". To literally nobody's surprise he decides to leave it and beats a hasty retreat. There's some pretty good lessons here - he tried everything possible to make it a digital payment that was definitely going to bounce in some way at some point. TLDR; only accept cash!

Alright that'll do with the life advice for today. Here's the update. Check it...

A guy calls a law office and says "I want to talk to my lawyer". The receptionist replies "I'm sorry, but he died last week". The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week". The next day, the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" And the guy says "Because I just love hearing it".
My dad was a master at forgery. He had all the certificates to prove it.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter - ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
Two ladies of the night, one says "My mouth tastes like the bottom of a budgies cage". The other says " Yes, you must have had a cockatoo in it last night".
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered "NO!" "Well" I continued "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
I filled in a job application for the local council and under disabilities I put narcolepsy and Tourette's syndrome. So not only will I be able to sleep at work, if someone tries to wake me up I can tell them to fuck off.
So, these two drunk sailors arrive at this port city by boat and they begin to go to each and every one of the bars. Once they get kicked out of one, they go to another. So for the rest of the night they get absolutely wasted, and when they get kicked out of the last bar they begin to stumble back to their boat. They then turn a corner only to run straight into a commanding naval officer going for a late night stroll. In a moment of drunken brilliance, they ask the naval officer "Hey, Buddy, do you know where we are?" Completely offended and outraged the Commander yells at them "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?" And so the sailors look at one another and one of them says "Uh oh, we don't know where we are, and he doesn't know where he is!"
A freshman college woman is midway through the semester and at her current rate of academic performance she's going to fail one of her classes. So after class she approaches the professor, a mid-40's man, and says "Professor, I'll do anything to pass this class". The professor replies "My office hours are on the syllabus, you're free to come by and talk about it then". So the next day the young woman shows up in a very suggestive outfit to the professor's office and locks the door behind her. In a suggestive voice the woman says "Professor, is there anything I can do to improve my grade? I'll do ANYTHING". "You'll do ANYTHING?" replies the professor. The young woman puts her hand suggestively on the professor's shoulder and says "Yes, I'll do ANYTHING". The professor responds "So let me get this straight, you'll do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to improve your grade?" The young woman sits down in the professor's lap and replies "Yes professor, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING". The professor says "Good" stands up abruptly, causing the woman to fall on to the floor "Study".

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An Aussie and a Kiwi are in a bar in Bali at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Aussie challenges the Kiwi to a contest. "We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets $100". So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Aussie screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world. At dawn the Aussie is awoken by the Kiwi bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from zoos.
A man gave up chocolate to become a magician. He told his friends "I have a few twix up my sleeve".
The husband and wife were having dinner when she spilled some tomato sauce down the front of her white top. "Ohhh, I look like a pig!" she said. "Yes, and now you've spilled tomato sauce all over yourself too".


It was October 1972. We were stationed along the Ho Chi Minh trail to intercept supplies going through a triage of enemy villages 112 kilometres north of the capital.

My platoon had set up an encampment on the southside hill in relation to these villages when gunfire began raining down on us. We did what we were trained to do, although I could tell that the rest of the boys were scared out of their minds. I can't blame 'em. But when the gunfire became sweeping towards our position from farther south was when we all realised we were in some deep shit. We were rats snapped snug into a trap.

We called for reinforcements, but the higher ups all had their hands tied up in other ambushes throughout the valley. Air support was limited, although we relished the brief pauses in the bloodshed it would give us when they dropped the bombs on the hostiles.

During one of the enemy waves I lost four of my fingers to enemy grenade shrapnel. A Norwegian recruit, Sven Alfoldssen, saved my arse during that same encounter. The men began calling me "Six" and Alfoldssen "Seven".

We became pretty good friends. We shared a few drinks together, spoke about our women, reminisced about times before we were drafted into this whole shit show. But we were proud to serve and would die for our respective countries willingly if it meant stopping the Commies from encroaching on our freedoms.

But that all changed after a few weeks of no reinforcements and dwindling supplies. Some men began eating flour mixed with dirt to satisfy their unrelenting appetites. There were some scuffles for the last few MREs that got pretty violent. Before we had some hope that help would arrive to push the commies off the hill to get us some goddamn food.

Now, it was no secret we were in some dire fucking straits. Three weeks passed since the last MRE was eaten. If the Viet Cong made a significant offensive on our position during then, we would've certainly kissed all our lives goodbye. The men found it hard just to stand up in the morning. Our rib cages were all showing, and we just started isolating ourselves from one another. There's no point in making small talk if all you can think about is the next bite to eat.

This is where I'm struggling to recollect my thoughts. It's not that I CAN'T remember, mind you. I don't WANT to remember! Who on this fucking marble called planet Earth wouldn't want to forget this?

Seven began talking to me for the first time in three days. I didn't want to reciprocate, because I had to patrol the perimeter that day and he was obviously compromising my position with his banter. He was saying some shit about one of our foreign recruits hailing from Germany. Saying things like "We should take him by surprise" and "He'd make for some nice company during dinner". I mostly ignored what he said, but the little I retained sent chills up my spine.

That night, I went to see how the German was doing. This was the worst mistake of my life, and what I saw would never leave my memories till the day I die. I opened up the tent and saw Seven with a bloody fistful of the German over his mouth. I saw the poor man moaning his dying breaths as Seven bit on his intestines. I'll never forget the German screaming "Nein! Nein!"

In absolute rage, I grabbed a nearby rope and strangled the cannibal Seven to death. I strangled to death a man who was once my friend. When the deed was done, the German had already passed. I cried, holding his bloodied head in my arms. I couldn't find a dog tag on the German's body. Seven must've thrown it away somewhere in some inane attempt to cover-up his crime.

The rest of my comrades, upon hearing about what happened, began calling the poor soul "Nein".

Reinforcements and supplies arrived a couple days afterwards. After a few weeks in the hospital, we were sent back into the thick of it all.

War is like that. It never forgets, but also never cares. I've told this story to many naive youngsters, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. I'll never forget what I saw that night. When I saw how Sven ate Nein.



FESTIVALS previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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On her way to a party, Trisha, a rebellious teenage girl drops her little sister off at a friend's house.

Trisha drops off her little sister, says hi to the parents and then leaves for the party.

The young girl runs straight to the backyard where her friends are. It's a beautiful summers evening and she decides to pick a pretty red rose from a nearby bush. She lets out a yelp and runs crying to her friend's mum who is in the kitchen.

"Arrgggh! I have a thorn in my hand, it hurts it hurts".

Her friends mum has a look and easily removes the offending thorn "It was just a tiny prick with hardly any blood, I'll get some antiseptic cream to rub on it, I'll clean it and make it feel better honey". "No, no..." says the kid "rub some apple juice on it instead".

Perplexed, the mum asks "Apple juice? Why in goodness name would you want me to rub apple juice on it?" "Well, I overheard my big sister Trisha say that anytime she gets a prick in her hand, she puts it in cider".


Previously: #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>



A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later before walking away.

His wife glares at him and says "Who the hell was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress"". "Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferrari's and Porsche's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours".

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier" she replies.


Previously: SLIPS #9 - SLIPS #8 - SLIPS #7 - SLIPS #6 - SLIPS #5 - SLIPS #3 - SLIPS #2 - SLIPS #1 - MORE >>


ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after class getting a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing... "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again".

The student was amazed and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped.

Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again".

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner "Any asshole can sing country music".

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A village was being terrorised by a demon.

The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance.

The villagers tried everything they could, but to no avail.

Finally, a delegation of elders went to a Buddhist temple in the mountains and told the abbot their plight, begging for help.

The abbot said "No problem! You go on home and rest easy because tomorrow morning one of my disciples will go take care of the problem for you".

The next morning, the villagers were eagerly waiting for a procession of solemn monks with drums and bells. Instead, what they saw was a sami, a novice monk, about twelve years old, skipping along the path humming a song.

They asked the sami "Why are you here?" He said "My teacher told me to come take care of your problem for you". "Are you sure? This is a terrifying demon, mighty beyond words, we are helpless against him!" "No problem" said the sami "now tell me where he is". "He's in the ancestors' temple, eating their plaques. He ate the altar yesterday". "No problem" said the sami, and with a sure step, marched to the temple, pushed open the door, and went in.

Within moments, the villagers heard blood curling shrieks. The temple rattled and shook. Suddenly, the demon shot through the roof, screaming and howling, and disappeared in the distance.

The unruffled sami came out of the temple with a thin smile on his lips.

The villagers fell to their knees in thanks, apologising that they had not been respectful enough when he first came.

They asked "You must be very powerful! How did you do that?" The sami answered "Simple! I reached into my bag and pulled out my donation book".


RANDOM SHITE 2023 02 16

Previously: 9th Feb. - 2nd Feb. - 19th Jan. - 12th Jan. - 20th Dec. IV & III - II - I - 8th Dec. - 1st Dec. - MORE >>

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There is a medical conference at the local hospital and many doctors are invited.

During the conference a man spots a super sexy and fit female doctor.

After the conference he goes up to her and asks "Do you want to go out for a drink?". "Yes, sure thing" she said.

Before they settle down for the drink the woman says "I must wash my hands".

So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they drink their drink. 

Next, they go for a meal. Before they eat the woman says "I must go and wash my hands". 

So she washes her hands and she comes back and they have their meal. 

When they return home, they realise they are really aroused and they give in to their throbbing urges and decide to have sex. But before they have sex the women again says "I must go and wash my hands". 

So she goes and washes her hands and she comes back and they have sex.

After they have had sex, the man says to the woman "You're a surgeon, aren't you?". "Yes" she replies "how do you know that?" "Well" he says "you are always washing your hands". 

Then the women says to the man "You're an anaesthetist aren't you?" "Yes" he says "how do you know that?" "Well" she says "because I did not feel a prick".




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Well dudes, guess what? This is the end... except this last bit... then it's really the end...

-Follow me on Facebook because why the fuknawt?
-Check out the archives. I assure you, you should. I mean really, REALLY assure you.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you even know when that is?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'lll give you a nipple cripple.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2023.02.09-19.03

Welcome to hey bro, tell your uncle to get off the road.

Characteristically exhausting start to the new year. All foreseen and planned so I'm not complaining but I'd appreciate a slight let up right about now... which is unfortunate because it only gets even fuller retarderer from this point until at least the end of April. Could be worse though - at least I'm not fat ugly stupid bald insensitive trans. Check it...

HAPPY ALENTINES AY for those that won't be getting the V or the D on February 14th.
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman that was sitting next to him pulled out her phone. When she pulled out her phone, she started talking to someone in a loud voice "Hi sweetheart, it's me, I'm on the train right now"; "Yes, I know I'm late but it was because I had a long meeting"; "No honey, not the one with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with my boss"; "No sweetheart, of course you're the only one in my life. I wouldn't cheat on a handsome man like you!". Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly on her phone. When the man sitting next to her finally had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone: "Hey, hang up the phone and come back to bed!"
I called the doctor surgery today to get an appointment. "How about ten tomorrow morning?" The receptionist asked. I told her I didn't need that many. One would do.
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious" the priest teased the rabbi "you really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin and said "At your wedding".
I got an email saying "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" I thought to myself... that's just spam.
A man's wife doesn't come home one night. The next morning, the wife tells her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The husband then contacted all of his wife's friends asking about it. None of them said that she was staying the night. A few nights later, the husband doesn't come home one night. Just like his wife, the next morning he tells her that he had slept over at a friend's place. His wife then contacted all of her husband's friends to ask about and apparently the husband was at 8 houses, 2 of which said he was still there!
A story in the newspaper advised people to 'Please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. Our neighbour is an 87-year-old woman - not once has she come round to check if we are alright. The lazy bitch hasn't even taken in her milk for 2 weeks!
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, doctor" she asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "That's easy" he replied "you ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track". "What sort of question would you ask, doctor?" "Well, you might ask them... Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?" The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you?" "I must confess I don't know much about history".
I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out". Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a few minutes, during which I could hear a lot of commotion, he came back to the car, dragging a woman by the arm. "Hey, what gives?" I protested. "This isn't my wife!" "I know, she's mine. I'll be right back with yours".

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A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl's mum says "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice boy". "Oh, please, mum" says the daughter "if he wasn't nice, would he be doing 150 hours of community service?"
I asked my boss what I should do with this 6-metre roll of bubble wrap. He said just pop it in the corner. It took me four hours.
Three women are stuck on a desert island, 50km for the mainland. The first woman, a brunette, decides to swim for it, she gets 5 kilometres before getting tired and drowning. The second woman, a redhead, decides to swim as well. She gets 15 kilometres before getting tired and drowning. The last woman, a blonde, also decides to swim, she decides to be smart and not go out further than she could come back from, she manages to get 25 kilometres before deciding to swim back.
A woman walks into her doctor's office. "Help, doctor! I was playing golf and I got stung by a bee between the first and second hole". The doctor replies "Sounds like your stance is too wide".


A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition.

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage - the crowd cheered loudly. Two women then brought a cow on stage and walked her up to the American. The American got down on his knees and began milking the cow. He went all in and eventually ended up getting the cow to produce 8 litres of milk.

The crowd cheered loudly as he left the stage.

Then an Indian fellow went on stage. Another cow was brought in and he began milking her. He ended up producing 12 litres of milk! The crowd cheered even more loudly than before as he left the stage.

Then came time for the Danish man. The crowd cheered loudly as he entered the stage and kept screaming "Legend! Legend! Legend!" A cow was then brought to him. The Danish man began milking the cow. To everyone's surprise he could only get cow to produce 4 litres of milk.

Disappointed, the crowd began to boo him off stage. His wife and kids were shocked and the people watching him from Denmark broke their television sets out of frustration.

As they were travelling back home, his wife said "You've disappointed your entire country. Don't you feel even a bit ashamed?"

The man said "Ashamed? Absolutely. Those motherfuckers gave me a bull!"



Previously: #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>


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A man goes to a priest to confess.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man. "What did you sin, my son?" the priest asks him. "Well, me and my wife went to my sister-in-law for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, father, it was getting cloudy and it look like it was about to rain, so my sister-in-law asked us to stay for the night" says the man.

"Then what happened?" asks the priest. "Well, we took her up on her offer then later at night I got the urge to fuck my sister-in-law, so I did"- says the man.

"My son, that's a big sin you have done, ask God for forgiveness and he may forgive you". says the priest. "Thank you, father, but that's not all" the man said back.

"What else is there my son". the priest asks him. "Well after a few weeks, my mother-in-law invited us to dinner, and after dinner, it was getting cloudy and was about to rain again, so my mother-in-law asked us to stay overnight, that night I got the urge to fuck her, and so I did" confesses the man.

The priest looks out outside and it sees the sky about to get cloudy turns to the man and says "Okay I think it's about time for you to get the fuck outta here".


ELEVATING previously: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>



A couple are spending their first night together after tying the knot.

The new bride leans over to her husband and says "I have a confession to make". "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer".

The husband nods and says "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that".

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband reaches for the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and we'd make love a second time".

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

"What are you doing now?" she asks. The man replies "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food". "Tiger wouldn't do that". "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and we'd make love a THIRD time".

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he picks up the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks "Are you calling room service?" The man replies "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"


Previously on Orsm: SOAPY #3 - SOAPY #2 - SOAPY #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

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A man goes to meet his fiancée's family. At the house is the fiancée, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister.

After dinner, the fiancée goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister alone in the living room.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, the sister says to the man "I know you want me. I'm so much hotter and cuter than my sister. I'll let you take me into the closet for seven minutes in Heaven. No one will have to know".

The man quickly gets up from his seat and sprints towards the front door. On the other side of the door is the fiancée, the mother and the father, all with big smiles on their faces. The father says "My boy, this was a secret test to prove you would be a faithful husband to my daughter. You had a chance to sneak some time with my younger daughter, and you chose to walk out rather than cheat on your fiancée. I would be proud to call you my son-in-law!"

Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car!

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometres to attend at a wedding.

For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated.

Between the male guests, there were two homosexuals, and of course, they wanted to do something spicy. The room where they would be sleeping was enormous and there were over 50 guys there.

It was really dark. One of them suggests they fuck right then and there. The other says "Are you fucking crazy? They'll hear us! We need to know that everyone is sleeping!"

The initiator asks loudly "Can someone please bring me a glass of water, I am not feeling well". Nobody answers so they get down to business...

The next morning, they get up really early, and they see an old man, in his 80's freezing. So they ask him "Hey grandpa, why didn't you ask for a blanket or something?

He answers: "A blanket? One guy asked for a glass of water and they fucked him all night long!"


RANDOM SHITE 2023 02 09

Previously: 2nd Feb. - 19th Jan. - 12th Jan. - 20th Dec. IV & III - II - I - 8th Dec. - 1st Dec. - 17th Nov. - MORE >>

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A Chinese drunk and a Jewish drunk are sitting together on a park bench.

After finishing his drink, the Jew takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Chinese drunk.

"What the hell was that for?" ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head. "That was for Pearl Harbour!" replies the Jewish drunk.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!" he exclaims in return. "Eh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean... you're all the same to me!" the Jewish man explains as he gets up to leave.

The next day, the two drunks are back on the same park bench.

The Chinese drunk suddenly takes his bottle and smashes it over the head of the Jew.

"Why the hell did you do that?" the Jewish man stammers. "That was for the Titanic!" explains the Chinese drunk.

"The Titanic? What are you talking about? No one attacked it, it sunk when it hit an iceberg!" the Jew replies. "Eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg.... all same to me!"




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Well, let me just say this...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Quick! While you still can!
-Next update will be next Thursday. C U Next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend... wait... oh shit... I dont have any friends...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2023.02.02-03.22

Welcome to Orsm because I personally believe that, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps..

Aaand welcome to February too would you believe? Let's mark the occasion by sliding into my update with as few words as possible. Check it...

A duck waddles into a hotel's lobby convenience store and loudly asks the bored clerk "Hey, where can a guy get some Tic-Tacs?" Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet "Did you just ask for Tic-Tacs?" "Yeah, Tic-Tacs" says the duck. "Got a date with a smokin' hot redhead". Not knowing for certain how to respond to this bizarre situation, the clerk grabs a pack of Tic-Tacs, places it on the counter, and says "And how do you want to pay for this?" "I'm a guest of the hotel" replies the duck "so just put it on my bill". The transaction occurs, and with an amused chuckle, the duck grabs the Tic-Tacs and leaves. Two hours later, the duck returns. And indeed, the hottest redhead the clerk has ever seen accompanies the duck. "I wanna buy a condom" the duck announces loudly without a hint of decorum. The clerk, making every effort not to imagine the scenario posed by this turn of events, places a condom on the counter and states "I suppose you want me to put this on your bill?" The duck replies "What? Do I look like some kind of pervert to you?"
I went for a routine check-up today. When I got home my wife asked "Was everything okay?" "Yes" I replied "well, everything seemed okay util he stuck his finger up my arse". She laughed "Well, that's normal procedure at your age!" "So you don't think I should change my dentist then?" I said.
Three nuns went to confession. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned" said the first nun "I looked at a man's penis". "Then wash your eyes with holy water" said the priest. In came the second nun. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I touched a man's penis". "Then go and wash your hands in holy water" came the reply. The third nun went in and it was some time before she reappeared and joined her colleagues. "Sorry I was so long" she said "I just had to go and gargle and a have a douche". 
My wife arrived back from her driving test. "So" I asked excitedly "how did you get on? "Not good" she replied. "They failed me. Oh dear!" I said sympathetically "it can't be that bad... what did he pull you up on?" "A rope" she replied "the car's still in the river".
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp. They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you" the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard "Alright" he says "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat". Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs "I've got it!" he cries "I want a MEATIER shower!"
My son said "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?" I said "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her". He said "So what happened?" I said "Nothing. Unfortunately, the arrow missed and hit your fucking Mother".
Three priests meet up for dinner. After dinner they're talking about how they divide up the collection from the congregation between the church and themselves. The first priest says "I draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money up in air. Whatever falls in the circle, I keep and the rest goes to the church". The second priest says "I do something similar. I too draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money up in air. Whatever falls in the circle I give to the church and the rest I keep for myself". The third priest says "I too do something similar. I throw all the money up in the air and whatever God wants he keeps".
A Russian official visits an American official. "Wow, nice car. Where did you the money for this?" asks the Russian official. "You see that bridge over there?" the American official says and points toward a bridge in the distance. "Yeah, I see it". "I embezzled some of the fund for that bridge" the American official whispers. A few days later, the American official visits the Russian official. "Holy cow, where did you get the money for this mansion?" asks the American official. "Do you see that bridge over there?" The Russian official says and points toward the distance. "No, I don't see anything" replies the American official. The Russian official then whispers "Exactly".

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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying "You can't take it with you". After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that old fool" she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement".
I entered a competition to see whose muscles could wither away the fastest. The winner got atrophy.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet".
Veteran circus entertainer Frederico Martinez, also known as the human cannonball, has decided enough is enough and quit his forty years entertaining the public. His manager said "He will be sadly missed by many. A man of his outstanding calibre will be hard to replace".


Bubba got a new job.

He says to his new boss "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world!" Bubba says "Yes I do!" Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" Bubba says "Pick someone and I know them!"

Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name.

"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba says "Tom Selleck!? Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" Bubba says "Yes we were!"

They fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba says "Tom!" and Tom says "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes.

Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks 'Well that could happen, it's just one person'.

So he tells Bubba. Bubba says "Okay, pick somebody else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Joe Biden, you don't know Joe Biden!" Bubba says "Oh yes I do! Donald and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" Bubba says "Yes we were!"

So they fly to D.C. and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Joe's eye and waves and the President waves and shouts "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes.

Bubba's boss is stunned - he can't believe it. But then he thinks 'Well that's just two people in one country - that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!'

So he tells Bubba. Bubba says "Okay, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do NOT know the Pope!"
Bubba says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTISED me!" Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" Bubba says "Yes he did!"

So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd without much luck.

Bubba says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what - I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!" and he leaves.

Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Bubba's boss passes out.

Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!"

When his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says "Okay, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Joe Biden and I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who is that up there with Bubba?' that's more than I can take!"


BEACH SHOWERING previously: #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post: a rundown mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet. It's just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning, he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line.

As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guy's balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque.

Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on. "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan". He says "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home".

The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments.

After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives.

"Hey, my last post was in Korea. How is it here?" asks the replacement "and what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you" replies the marine "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line".





There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match.

As he went on into college, he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers' legends grew, a match was set up between the two - America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him "This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip!"

The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said "Whatever you do, DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip! No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip".

Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian Death Grip.

The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd erupt in a chant of "USA! USA! USA!"

He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him "I didn't see... once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian Death Grip?"

With heavy breath, John told him "Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them".

"What??" said the coach... "John I don't think that is legal. You could be disqualified".

"I don't know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain't got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls!"


ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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An Alabama pastor said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family".

No one moved.

The preacher continued "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and, in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression".

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets".

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Two friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer.

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman (BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was in charge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week.

They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometre inside the jungle, they see a bear approaching them and the FO quickly climbs up a tree, however, the BM doesn't know how and the bear comes near him, tears his clothes and fucks him.

When the bear leaves, the FO feels sorry for BM and teaches him how to climb a tree.

The next day, they start again and as they see the bear approaching, the FO climbs the tree in a second but as the BM reaches halfway, the bear drags him down, tear his clothes and again fucks him!

After it leaves, the FO climbs down and starts teaching him faster ways to climb trees so that he doesn't take so long climbing next time.

The next day as they are again roaming the forest, they find out that a fire has started and every tree around them is burning down. Low and behold, a bear comes running towards them.

The FO again quickly climbs the only tree that is not yet alight and as the BM is climbing, the branch he is holding on to breaks and he falls to the ground.

Accepting his fate, he thinks "Might as well save my clothes from being torn". He pushes his pants down along with his underwear, takes doggy position and braces for the inevitable.

The bear reaches him looks him up and down and kicks him in the nuts saying "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?? The forest is on fire and you want to fuck?"


RANDOM SHITE 2023 02 02

Previously: 19th Jan. - 12th Jan. - 20th Dec. IV & III - II - I - 8th Dec. - 1st Dec. - 17th Nov. - 10th Nov. - MORE >>

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Not wanting to risk missing out on the prize money, her husband snuck into the studio and found the question and answer.

He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis'".

The woman thinks about this throughout the night but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her "The head, heart and penis".

Come game night she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds".

"Um... the head".

"Good. Eight seconds".

"Um... the heart".

"That's right. Five seconds".

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"




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Now where were we? Oh yes...

-Follow me on Facebook. I would like this.
-Check out the archives. They're big. Yuge even.
-Next update will be next Thursday. That's the ninth for those playing along at home.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll leak the video of you tossing my salad.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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