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July 2014...
orsmupdate 2014.07.31-17.29

Welcome to FUD.

With enough advance notice you do pretty much anything... for instance making sure there's an update in the can ready for when you need [read: want] a little time off after finally getting the baby out from inside your GF's vagina. Speaking of which... amusing just how many emails I got asking where last week's update was. Not only does it prove people don't always read the available information, they invent facts too. My favourite was whoever asked "Why hasn't there been an update in weeks?" but most surprisingly not a single "Where's the fucking update you fat fuck?". You guys have changed. You're slipping.

This update is all your hopes and dreams coming true in one fell swoop. There's a fuck-tonne of new videos, jokes, babes, RS plus a bunch of other stuff but most importantly... the boring bloggy bit at the top is gone and you get a bunch of jokes instead. What more could anyone ask for? [No I will not give you a hand shandy]. Check it...

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "Okay" the judge-said "tell the court why you want a divorce". "Well, your honour" Dan started "every once in a while my sister-in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake". "Surely there must be some difference between the two women". the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour! That's why I want the divorce..."
Our grandmothers had genuine knowledge of staying naturally healthy. My granny lectured me about her practical knowledge: "For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, with low blood pressure red wine, with high blood pressure cognac, and whenever I have a cold, I drink rum". "And when do you drink water?" "I've never been that sick!"
What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy? The diaper.
Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?" Johnny: "I would want a wife like the moon". Teacher: "Wow! What a choice.... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?" Johnny: "No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning".
What's the difference between a black and a tyre? A tyre doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor" he said "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine". "Nonsense" the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool". "It isn't possible" the man insisted. "We're pure Asian". "Well" said the doctor "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month". "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust".
How to upset greenies? Kill whales with uranium and bury their bodies in rain forests.
"Why did your boss jump out of the window?" the detective asked the secretary. "I don't know" she sobbed "he was always so nice to me. Two months ago he gave me a fur coat, last month a sports car and just today a diamond ring. Then he asked, what it would cost to be able to ravish me". "And what did you say?" I just said "The other men in the office always just give me fifty bucks".
A blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She answers "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine".
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her. "Dear" she continued "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight. "And" she went on "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going?" she asked. "Well" answered the husband "I have to get my teeth".
The school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "A turnip, miss". "No Johnny" corrects the teacher "I believe you're thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" says Little Johnny "You ever been hit in the balls with a turnip?"
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter. The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter. After the trial, the brother went to the redneck`s home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000. The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. "They all wanted to let him go!"

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He Scares Me - NOPE! - Filthy - It Matters - I'm Busy - Bad Parenting - Waahhh - Crazy Selfies - Tits Out - Love Her

Da Bomb - Goth BJ - Slam Her - Nude Fashion - Dry Sex - Wild Anal - Demons - WMD Peen - All Holes - So Dumb

Escape Hell - Fuck Buddy - Deaf Gangsta - Not A Stunt - Surfer Babe - Fearless - Blonde Cutie - Creepy Dad - Hard Nips

We've got an aviary at home but one of our birds of prey will only fly around at night when we play 80's pop songs... Our Kestrel Manoeuvers In The Dark!!
While watching a program about fashion models, my friend turned to her husband. "I would love to have a body like that" she said. "Why?" he asked. "You'd only stretch it out".
One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee" she said. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole" she replied. He nodded knowingly and said... "Then your feet were too far apart."
Dirty Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers and he says "Collecting... that'll be five dollars". She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?" Johnny says "All right". He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick. She says "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it". He says "Not for five bucks you can't!"


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Part 1 can be found doing its thing here.

-Sex is 10 times more effective than Valium.
-Fifty per cent of women say bad sex is a relationship deal breaker, but only 44 per cent of guys agree.
-In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
-Shaving your pubic area increases your chances of spreading an STI.
-Sex can actually blow your mind: transient amnesia (temporary memory loss) can be triggered by wild sex.
-Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.
-A woman's butt sticks out 25 percent more when she is wearing heels.
-Compliments in bed make girls more likely to orgasm.
-For every 'normal' webpage, there are five porn pages.
-In a recent study, one in nine young ladies has used the morning-after pill after sex.
-When you kiss someone, you exchange hormonal and health info. It's nature's way of allowing you to assess if you click sexually.
-Most men's erections are five and a half to six inches long. Although men's penis sizes tend to vary greatly when they're soft, the smaller ones expand more when erect than the larger ones.
-Stay on top of your visits to the gynaecologist. Many of the worst STIs you can contract have absolutely no symptoms at all for up to three to five years.
-Men think about sex around 19 times a day. Women around ten times.
-The vagina and the eye are self-cleaning organs.
-Keep it PG and still feel good. The nerve endings in the clitoris extend out to where the pubic hair grows, which is why dry humping feels so good.
-Making out burns about 20 kilojoules a minute.
-A study shows that 70 percent of married men and women masturbate despite the fact that they should be 'getting it' more.
-Your pain threshold can increase significantly during arousal.
-Research shows that his fantasies will focus more on your pleasure than your fantasies focus on his.
-A survey in Cosmopolitan magazine said that foreplay usually last 14 to 17 minutes for the average married couple, and that the man typically reaches orgasm after six minutes of copulation.
-The amygdala, the part of your brain triggering fear and anxiety, shuts down when women have an orgasm.
-Most twenty something's have sex 112 times a year.
-More than 44 per cent of men and women initiate sex as often as their partners. The rest are clearly just lame.
-Having an orgasm releases an anti-diuretic hormone, which is why you probably find yourself not being able to pee right after sex.
-Foreplay stimulates an area of the brain called the hippocampus, which is also responsible for memory.
-Approximately 1% of people worldwide identify as asexual (having no strong sexual attraction to either sex).
-You should pee as soon as possible after sex to prevent UTIs (urinary tract infections).
-Sprinkling salt on your tongue before oral may help lessen your gag reflex.
-Pubic hair is programmed to grow a certain amount.
-A blowjob is the number one sexual act desired by straight men.
-Semen can keep your smile looking gorgeous. It contains zinc and calcium that fight tooth decay.
-Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
-The average cost of a bra and panty set is $75.
-The more masculine-looking a guy is, the more times you'll orgasm.
-The term "blow job" comes from the Victorian times. In Victorian times, a slang term for a prostitute was "blowsy". At the same time, "blow" was slang for ejaculation. Consequently, by the 1930s, the act of fellatio came to be known as a blow job.
-Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves when trying out bizarre sexual positions.
-Touching the sides of his torso triggers a nerve that makes his erection harder.
-Performing the act of fellatio massages the jaw while burning anywhere from 30-50 calories per session.
-The largest natural penis recorded was 11 inches.
-Scientists found that fruit flies deprived of sex drink more booze than those allowed to mate.
-The word "sex" was coined in 1382.
-Eighty percent of women use vibrators to achieve an orgasm by clitoral stimulation rather than inserting it vaginally.
-The most orgasmic sex for women: solo. Second place: oral. Third place: P-in-V.
Humans are the only species creative enough to "69". All others have settled for the conventional and practical ways of gettin' it done.
-Only 1 percent of women can achieve orgasm from breast stimulation alone.
-Don't hold your breath during sex: the more oxygen that gets to your genitals, the more aroused you'll be.
-Women fantasise about romantic settings (such as islands), whereas men focus more on body parts.
-One in ten European babies is conceived in an IKEA bed.
-Male chimps, bears, dogs (and almost all mammals besides humans) actually have a bone in their penis.
-The average sexual experience lasts 37 minutes.
-If he's close to climaxing, buy some time by squeezing the head of his penis.
-Humans aren't the only ones who perform oral sex. Cheetahs, hyenas, and goats all go down.
-British spies stopped using semen as invisible ink because it began to smell if it wasn't fresh.
-Coffee and booze can make semen taste bitter, while pineapple, celery, and melon make it taste less strong.
-Forty percent of women have experienced exercise-induced orgasms on more than 11 different occasions.
-Sex during your period can ease menstrual cramps.
-Forty-six per cent of Americans think they are more likely to see Bigfoot than to climax at the exact same time as their partner.
-A female ferret will die if she doesn't have sex for a year.


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-Women with hourglass figures tend to be more fertile.
-Older women are more likely to say they'd orgasmed during their last sexual encounter than younger women.
-Morning wood isn't because he wants sex. Blood flows to his penis when he's asleep, causing an erection.
-The clitoris is the only organ in the human body with just one purpose: pleasure.
-Seven Viagra tablets are sold every second.
-Some of the first tampons were made of lint wrapped around wood.
-According to a survey of adult's aged 20 to 59, women have an average of four sex partners during their lifetimes and men have an average of seven.
-Eating celery while with your man? You may want to jump him - the veg releases odours that make you horny.
-When a guy is turned on his sweat becomes saturated with chemicals that are linked to female arousal.
-The German word for "contraceptive" is Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel. By the time you've finished saying it, it's too late.
-The clitoris is shaped like a wishbone that's about 3 to 4 1/2 inches long.
-Some sexual dysfunction can stem from how a woman feels about the appearance of her genitals.
-Before sex, the lower part of your vagina narrows for a better grip on his penis.
-Men who looked at porn of two men and one woman produced more sperm than those who looked at just women. Scientists speculate that seeing competition makes men step up their baby-making capacities.
-The American Psychiatric Association listed homosexuality as a mental illness until 1973.
-Male honeybees only get to have sex once in their life... because it kills them. During ejaculation the penis breaks off inside the female, and the male dies within hours.
-Festival-goers would rather spend time doing drugs, drinking and having sex than watching the concert they paid big money to see.
-A guy whose GF hangs out with his mates too much is 92 per cent more likely to have difficulty getting erect, because he feels emasculated.
-Your climax will be more intense if you raise your hips slightly and squeeze your PC muscles before peaking.
-A single human male produces enough sperm in two weeks to impregnate every fertile woman on the planet.
-There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.
-Women with higher testosterone levels might be more interested in masturbation than having sex with someone else.
-You're most likely to get distracted during sex at the two- to three-minute mark.
-As Brazilian waxes have become more popular, the pubic-lice population has dwindled.
-73 per cent of women admit having at least one one-night stand.
-The founder of match.com lost his girlfriend to a man she met on match.com.
-New mums are usually ready to have sex sooner than the six-week wait period instructed by their doctor.
-Fourteen per cent of women have experienced a "zone orgasm" which happens when a part of the body other than the boobs or vagina is stimulated.
-The typical person spends about 600 hours having sex between the ages of 20 and 70.
-Gymnophoria is the sense that someone is mentally undressing you.
-Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
-On average, it takes two tablespoons of blood to get a man's penis erect.
-Nipples are erogenous zones because the sensation of hardened nipples travels to the same part of the brain as sensations from the vagina, cervix and the clitoris.
-A woman's odds of climaxing increase as she ages.
-In the Aztec culture avocados were considered so sexually powerful, virgins were restricted from contact with them.
-A female chimpanzee in a fit of passion has the strength of six men.
-The modern psychiatric definition of nymphomaniac is a woman who cannot experience sexual satisfaction regardless of the number of orgasms or partners she has.
-At least 50 percent of sexually active people will have HPV at some point in their lives. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 90 percent of cases, the body's immune system will fight off the disease within two years.
-Semen isn't low carb - it's mostly made of sugar.
-According to psychologists, the shoe and the foot are the most common sources of sexual fetishism in Western society.
-Historical records show that even in 1850, women attempted to practice birth control. The most common method was a mixture of crocodile dung and honey placed in the vagina in the hopes of preventing pregnancy.
-At the 2012 London Olympics, which lasted for 17 days, the athletes were provided with 150,000 free condoms - approximately 15 each.
-About 75 percent of men always reach orgasm during sex and only 29 percent of women do. Actually, most women aren't able to climax through straight vaginal intercourse and need some clitoral stimulation to help them achieve orgasm.
-Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds... which is basically how long it took to read this sentence.
-Studies have proven that 85 per cent of men who die of heart attacks during intercourse, are found to have been cheating on their wives.
-Ithyphallophobia is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
-Formicophilia is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
-If he finds it hard to stay hard, avoid girl-on-top as his penis will be fighting gravity.
-The "G-spot" was nearly called the Whipple Tickle after Professor Beverley Whipple, who coined the expression that we know today.


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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles".

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought "That's what I need, a new suit". He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit". The salesman eyed him briefly and said "Let's see... size 44 long". Joe laughed "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job".

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe and said "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 18 1/2 neck". Joe was surprised "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job".

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure". The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 9 1/2... wide". Joe was astonished "That's right , how did you know?" "It's my job".

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said "Sure". The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36". Joe laughed "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old".

The salesman shook his head "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"


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I post this not because it's funny but because I found it kind of interesting... and that's what Orsm was always supposed to be about. Please don't take it as medical advice though. Only a complete fucktard would make health decisions based on something they read on an adult website...

Short answer: YES
The health benefits of olive oil come from the presence of polyphenols, antioxidants that reduce the risk of heart diseases and cancers. But to get these healthy compounds, consumers should buy good-quality, fresh "extra-virgin" olive oil, which has the highest polyphenol content. Most commercially available olive oils have low levels of polyphenols associated with poor harvesting methods, improper storage, and heavy processing.

Short answer: NO
In 2006, the nation's chest physicians agreed that the majority of over-the-counter cough medicines don't actually work. These colourful syrups typically contain doses of codeine and dextromethorphan that are too small to be effective. Only cough suppressants that contain older antihistamines seem to relieve coughs. That includes brompheniramine, an active ingredient in Dimetapp.

Short answer: YES
The majority of health research is stacked against sugar-sweetened soda. A large 2004 study in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that women who drank one or more sugary drinks per day increased their risk of developing type 2 diabetes by 83% compared to those who consumed less than one of these beverages per month.

Short answer: NO
Sunscreens with an SPF (sun protection factor) of 30 block about 97% of ultraviolet rays,
while sunscreens with an SPF of higher than 30 block 97%-98%. It's more important that you choose "broad-spectrum" sunscreen, meaning it protects against both UVB and UVA rays. Sunbathers also need to apply a generous amount of sunscreen in order to get the full benefit of the SPF.

Short answer: NO
A review of 40 years of clinical trials, published in the journal of the American Academy of Nurse Practitioners in 2006, found that all previous research "failed to identify a consistent relationship between the consumption of MSG and the constellation of symptoms that comprise the syndrome" including headaches and asthma attacks. The misconception spawned from several poorly-done small studies in the 1960s that seemed to connect MSG with a variety of maladies that people experienced after eating at Chinese restaurants.

Short answer: NO
As much as 75% of a nut is fat. But eating fat doesn't necessarily make you fat. The bigger factor leading to weight gain is portion-size. Luckily, nuts are loaded with healthy fats that keep you full. They're also a good source of protein and fibre. One study even found that whole almonds have 20% less calories than previously thought because a lot of the fat is excreted from the body.

Short answer: YES
Studies have shown that how long you exercise, and thus how many calories you burn, is more important than how hard you exercise. Running is a more efficient form of exercise, but not necessarily better for you. A six-year study published in the journal Arteriosclerosis, Thrombosis, and Vascular Biology found that walking at a moderate pace and running produced similar health benefits, so long as the same amount of energy was expended.

Short answer: NO
Calorie for calorie, whole fruit provides more nutritional benefits than drinking the pure juice of that fruit. That's because when you liquefy fruit, stripping away the peel and dumping the pulp, many ingredients like fibre, calcium, vitamin C, and other antioxidants are lost. For comparison, a five-ounce glass of orange juice that contains 69 calories has .3 grams of dietary fibre and 16 milligrams of calcium, whereas an orange with the same number of calories packs 3.1 grams of fibre and 60 milligrams of calcium.

Short answer: NO
Not all wheat breads are created equal. Wheat breads that contain all parts of the grain kernel, including the nutrient-rich germ and fibre-dense bran, must be labelled "whole grain" or "whole wheat". Some wheat breads are just white bread with a little bit of caramel colouring to make the bread appear healthier.

Short answer: YES
Hot tubs - especially ones in spas, hotels, and gyms - are perfect breeding grounds for germs. The water is not hot enough to kill bacteria, but is just the right temperature to make microbes grow even faster. Even though hot tubs are treated with chlorine, the heat causes the disinfectant to break down faster than it would in regular pools. The most common hot tub infection is pseudomonas folliculitis, which causes red, itchy bumps. A more dangerous side-effect of soaking in a dirty Jacuzzi is a form of pneumonia known as Legionnaire's disease. This is what reportedly sickened more than 100 people at the Playboy Mansion back in 2011.

Short answer: NO
Coffee got a bad rap in the 1980s when a study linked drinking coffee to pancreatic cancer. The preliminary report was later debunked. More recently, health studies have swung in favour of the caffeinated beverage. Coffee has been linked to a lower risk of type 2 diabetes, Parkinson's disease, liver cancer, and even suicide.

Short answer: NO
Although egg yolks are a major source of cholesterol - a waxy substance that resembles fat - researchers have learned that saturated fat has more of an impact on cholesterol in your blood than eating foods that contain cholesterol. "Healthy individuals with normal blood cholesterol levels should now feel free to enjoy foods like eggs in their diet every day" the lead researcher from a 25-year University of Arizona study on cholesterol concluded.

Short answer: YES
It is very rare for someone to die from drinking too much water, but it can happen. Overhydrating is most common among elite athletes. Drinking an excess of water, called water intoxication, dilutes the concentration of sodium in the blood leading to a condition known as hyponatremia. The symptoms of hyponatremia can range from nausea and confusion to seizures and even death in severe cases. To avoid this, drink fluids with electrolytes during extreme exercise events.

Short answer: YES
Our digestive tract is filled with microorganisms - some good and some bad. Yogurt contains beneficial bacteria, generically called probiotics, that helps maintain a healthy balance. Probiotics can relieve several gastrointestinal problems, including constipation and diarrhoea.

Short answer: NO
Whitening toothpastes usually contain peroxides and other strong abrasives that might make your teeth appear whiter by removing stains. Unlike at-home whitening strips and gels that contain bleach, these toothpastes do not actually change the colour of your teeth.

Short answer: YES
But the plastic container should display the words "microwave safe". This means that the Food and Drug Administration has tested the container to make sure no chemicals used to make the plastic leech into foods during micro waving. If chemicals do seep out into food, the amounts are tiny and not dangerous to our health. As a general guideline, plastic grocery bags as well as most plastic tubs that hold margarine, yogurt, cream cheese, and condiments are not microwave safe.

Short answer: NO
Watching TV will not destroy your rods and cones as the outdated myth suggests. Before the 1950s, TVs emitted radiation that could increase an individual's risk of eye problems after excessive TV viewing. Modern TVs have special shielding that blocks these harmful emissions.

Short answer: YES
Red wine contains much more resveratrol than white wine, an antioxidant found in the skin of grapes that has been shown to fight off diseases associated with aging.

Short answer: NO
Bottled water is no safer or purer than tap water, although it is substantially more expensive. A recent study by Glasgow University in the U.K. found that bottled water is actually more likely to be contaminated than water from your faucet because it is less well-regulated. Bottled water and tap water typically come from the same sources - natural springs, lakes, and aquifers. While public water supplies are tested for contaminants every day, makers of bottled water are only required to test for specific contaminants every week, month, or year.

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A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks "What's the matter?" The guy replies "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods".

The bartender suggests "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The guy says "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it".

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender says "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!" The bartender yells "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"


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A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems) "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.

She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows.

On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying "Read it, read it, read it..."


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Eleazer Bokar appeared at the gates of Heaven and knocked for admittance. The great doors slowly swung open and the patriarch Abraham stepped out, blowing his golden trumpet. When he had finished the welcoming concerto, he turned to Eleazer and said "Greetings, blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh. God awaits you".

Recovering from the awesome splendour of this type of welcome, Eleazer quickly replied "Father Abraham, I am ready to meet our God" and stepped forward to enter the celestial portals.

"Wait, my brother" said Abraham, halting Eleazer with an imperiously, upraised palm. "Before entering God's Kingdom, you must first prove that you are worthy of the honour". "But how can I prove my worthiness?" queried Eleazer.

"You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed outstanding courage. Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?"

Eleazer's face brightened as he said "Yes I can! I remember going to the Roman Consul's palace where I met him face to face. He was surrounded by dozens of legionnaires, all of whom were armed. Ignoring this fact, I told him that he was a camel's behind, that he was a vulture who fed upon the bones of Jerusalem's oppressed, and that he was a persecutor of humble Jews. I then spat in his face".

"Well" exclaimed Abraham "I am impressed. I must agree that was an extremely brave feat to perform - considering the armed guards and the Roman Consul's hatred of Jews. Yes, my brother, you have certainly earned admittance into Paradise, but please tell me, when did all this happen?"

"Oh" replied Eleazer casually "right before you welcomed me".


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Little Johnny asked his mum about a couple of words that kids at school were using... "pussy and bitch" he told her.

Mum inhaled sharply and then said "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy". "Thanks, mum!"

He then found his dad out in the garage. "Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand". "What words, son?" "Pussy and bitch. I asked Mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings". Dad said "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead".

"Let me explain it like this". He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy".

"Okay, dad. Then what's a bitch?" Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle".


I don't know how to say this but...

-Check out the site archives. By not, the only person you hurt is yourself.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Probably.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will bully you on social media.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... did you fart? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.07.17-19.21

Welcome to do you have a moment to talk about our lord and saviour alcohol?

We're in this weird, excited/frustrating holding pattern right now waiting for the rug rat to poke his, her or its head out. The week 39 marker has been rounded and homebase is almost in our sights. Everyone is ready, everything is ready. It's just the waiting game that feels like an eternity and it sucks just that little bit more when you're one of those people who always likes to know how things turn out; how the story ends rather than the boring stuff in-between. Lucky I've had craploads to keep me occupied though. Prepare yourselves now as I dazzle you with tales of what an overburdened guy you don't know or care about has been up to for the last week OR scroll down a teeny bit to where the update really starts...

Friday began bright and early onsite at the house build. As has been ongoing for I don't know how many weeks, activities kicked off with sanding. Lots and lots of sanding. I was collected a few hours later and off we went to find carpet. A skill I've been forced to learn is to not overcomplicate things and that usually my instincts aren't too far off the mark... which is a way of saying we stopped at the first carpet shop we saw, got the run through of different types and styles and made a choice all inside 20 minutes. This way of doing biz is a massive turnaround from procrastinating the absolute fucking fuck out of every fucking thing and going with the one I originally wanted anyway.

From there it was off to run some errands and the first of a few things we wanted to get done before it's not possible anymore. This one being dim sum and back to the favourite place which recently reopened after a prolonged renovation... only to find a sign on the door saying they had now changed to a different style of food. Went back instead to the previous favourite which has now turned to rubbish. In some ways it's good because in future it won't be like I'm missing out on anything. Headed back to the house that afternoon to squeeze in a few hours hard labour before dark. Was going well until I got caught by a neighbour who wanted to chat... which he did until the rain started and the workday ended...

After the mandatory Saturday morning hardware store visit it was immediately back to the house and give the timber I'd been so busily working on a second coat of clear. The results -of course- were outstanding meaning all the effort appears to have been well worth it. Finished up by lunchtime, home, then northward to visit mother dearest for lunch. Next stop was a baby store. I hate them, am always appalled at not only the outrageous prices but also products that absolutely no one could ever need. Who in their right mind would buy a breastfeeding bra for dad? Or how about an $800 baby-sized retro egg chair?

Next on the list of things to do before child was the movies; namely Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. For the record a fucking great, must-see film... and that's from someone who was never really a huge fan of the franchise. The effects are so good you almost forget you're not watching real monkeys talk like us. My only complaint was the fatty-fat-fat sitting in front of me who ruined a chunk of it playing on her iPhone. I'll never understand what kind of a retard pays $24 to go to the movies and spends the whole time looking at pictures and surfing the web but if you must, at least have the courtesy to turn the fucking brightness down so it doesn't shine directly in other people's eyes. Ended up kicking her seat a few times which didn't work before finally tapping her on the shoulder and telling her to quit it.

House again Sunday where I had the Popo stalking me. Assume they thought I was stealing shit and admittedly may have looked a bit suss as most tradies don't work on Sundays, or if they do then not at 7am. They parked a few doors up watching as I unloaded tools, then drove by, returned my nod with a wave, did a U-turn and parked up again just watching. I went inside to start working and they hung around for another 10. When I came out an hour later they were back again. They finally bailed for good when I waved to neighbours. Surely running my license plates would have shown the car registered to that address and I can't help but think it would've been easier to stop and have a chat rather than waste all that time surveilling me. All very bizarre.

Escaped mid-morning to go shower and head straight out the door again. Destination this time was visiting my nan who's recently injured herself. Good way to whittle away a couple before going for a remedial massage. I haven't had one for ages and it's entirely been due to time constraints. The problem is my shit is all sore and messed up. The GF, worried such ailments will lead to my untimely demise, found a place that takes Sunday booking and made one for me. Surprisingly it was fucking amazing and for once my shoulder doesn't just hurt for no apparent reason. Also the masseuse was a hottie Japanese chick. Def going back.

Rest of the day was filled with a million little things - tidied up around the joint, cleaned out the fridge, put the final finishing touches to the gate project from a while back, took the car through the car wash, fitted in a mini-cruise along the coast and even spent a while on this update. The very last thing to tick off our shit to do before screaming poop machine arrives was the Asiany café that's been my fave for however long. Destroyed a Pad Thai, some sushi and that was weekend over. Cool huh...?

And with that let us move on to bigger, better and far more entertaining things. The update I have for you guys today is a cracker. It wasn't easy deciding which videos to include but I assure you viewing pleasure in every one. Same for all the images. Same for all the everything. That's just how things are done around here. What I'm trying to say is... check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Infuriating - Redheads - Rape Kisses - Snowday - Fukn Ouch - Low IQ - Badasses - Get Em Out - Selena Nips - Got Tats

Addictive - Dem Curves - Hoodrats - Sex Sister - Crackhead - Perfect 10 - Deep Vagina - Holy Fuck - Submissive - Sad

Fire Element - Build Up - Butthurt - Arab Slut - Stanky - Penis-trated - Fight Lulz - Impressive - Vintage - Braless

The devout cowboy lost his favourite bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book from the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed "It's a miracle!" "Not really" said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover.
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law! One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said "What are we going to do?" "Nothing" said the hunter husband "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it".
A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry" he said, as he went into one of his well-rehearsed routines "and I help produce a TV quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is" she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"


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A few years ago, Lazy Ted got lucky in this little bar in Mayfield. She was a good-looking girl, too. He drove her around to this park, the local lovers' lane, for a little privacy and they were getting along just fine, when some local louts happened by.

Luckily, all the doors of the car were locked and the larrikins had to content themselves with rocking it backwards and forwards. Lazy Ted wasn't going to hang around for any nonsense. He stuck the car into reverse and revved out of the car park.

Bodies scattered in his wake. He ended up taking the girl to the safety of a nearby hotel.

Lazy Ted might have forgotten all about the incident but, the very next day, as he was watching his wife, Betty, washing the car, you'll never guess what he saw - a finger, just sitting there in the grille in front of the motor. Well, he shook his head and was about to tell Betty to put it in, the rubbish, when she stopped him short.

"That finger must belong to someone. We'd better take it down the road to the Lost and Found. You'd be surprised what they can do with microsurgery these days".

Lazy Ted followed his missus down to the local cop shop where they were extra helpful. While Betty was out of ear shot, he told them the full story - exactly what happened, how, when, where and why.

Afterwards, Lazy Ted went home and forgot all about the whole business until one day, this cop came to the door and presented him with this little frozen container and in it... the finger. "According to Section 4 of Article 8 of the Mislaid Articles Act of 1893" the cop spouted off "found goods, if unclaimed by the owner and the loser of the aforementioned lost goods, after a period of three months, should be returned to the finder, who will be thereafter considered the owner and therefore the loser, in the event of the goods ever being re-lost".

Lazy Ted didn't really know what to do, but he took the finger and thanked the cop for his trouble. He told Betty to put it in the freezer. Soon afterwards, the phone calls started. A man, his voice deep, husky and mean, would ring and say "You got my finger. You better give it back... or you'll get rubbed".

Night after night, the same man rang with the same message. Then, during the day, the Health Department started ringing and a man with a high, piping voice, would tell Ted "Keeping a finger in your freezer contravenes Section 1, Article 12, of the Body Parts in the Kitchen Act of 1923, and if you persist in infringing this regulation, we will be forced to carry out immediate legal action".

The final straw was when the surgeon started calling up daily, too. "Listen, we get kids in here every day, with their fingers missing - car accidents, gun accidents - you name it. Some will never be able to use their hands again. With that finger, you could at least help one... just one of them".

Finally, it got too much for Betty. "Listen Ted, do something. Give that finger back to the gangster. Give it to the Health Department. Even give it to the hospital. Just get rid of it. It's no use to us. But it was all to no avail. Lazy Ted wouldn't hear of it. You know what he's like. He'd never lift a finger to help himself or anyone else.


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One weekend, a man from the city decided to go duck hunting. He headed for the country and stopped at a field that looked as though it could attract ducks. While walking through a field, several ducks flew overhead. He aimed, fired, and shot one of the ducks out of the sky. However, the duck landed on the other side of a large irrigation ditch with no signs of any nearby crossing.

He briefly thought about leaving the duck but realised that the weather was becoming worse. Not wanting to return home empty handed, he decided to try and find some way across. About a quarter mile further ahead he found a crossing and, as he walked back along the other side, came across a farmer who was carrying his duck.

"Excuse me?" he said "I believe that's my duck you're carrying". "Oh I don't think so" replied the farmer "It landed on my property. This here's my duck". They argued back and forth for a few minutes and then the farmer suggested a solution.

"Let's settle this the country way. We'll take turns kicking each other in the balls and the first man to give in, gives up the duck".

The hunter thought about it for a minute. At first he questioned the sanity of engaging in a 'ball-kicking' contest but felt he was tough enough and accepted the challenge. "Alright then" Said the farmer "I'll go first".

The hunter took a deep breath and prepared himself for the blow. The farmer reared back and kicked the hunter in the balls as hard as he could. The hunter moaned and dropped to the ground, rolling around in pain as he grasped his groin.

After several minutes the hunter recovered to his feet, took several deep breaths and said "Okay, now it's my turn". The farmer looks at the hunter, shakes his head and says "Oh, that's okay, you can have you're duck".


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Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favourite dog with his brother, James. While in Europe, Phil calls James to check on his dog and asks "So, James, how's my favourite dog doing?" James very tersely says "Your dog is dead". "What?" says Phil "You can't just tell someone his favourite dog is dead without a warning! You have to ease him into it".

"How?" says James. "Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the roof" remarked Phil. "Tell me the dog is going to be fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to get her down, when she jumped off of the roof and broke her leg. Tell me the doctors say the dog will be ok, but it will have to stay at the vet's for a while. Are you getting all of this?" "Yes" says James"

"Good". remarks Phil. "Then the next day, when I call back, tell me that there was severe internal bleeding that the vet didn't pick up, and that my favourite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way it won't be such a shock to me. Got it??" "Yes".

"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil. "Well" James replies "She's on the roof..."


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Patrick O'Reilly was lucky. Since the day he had found that four-leaf clover, everything good seemed to come his way. He had met the wonderful Rosie, and after a whirlwind romance, they were married. And now, a year later, he was the proud father of beautiful twins, a boy and a girl.

At work, the story was the same. He had been promoted and had received a substantial raise; now the firm had come up with a profit-sharing plan! Paddy was certain his good fortune was due to his four-leaf clover. Everywhere he went, he was certain to be carrying the talisman in his suit pocket.

One morning, Paddy could not find the clover. He searched the house, but it was not there. In panic, he tried to recall when he had last seen it. He finally recalled it was in his grey suit he had dropped off at the dry cleaners. He rushed to the cleaners, only to find that the work had been completed and his suit was ready to be picked up.

He searched the suit and found the four-leaf clover, still in one piece, but now flattened from the dry cleaning. From that day on, Paddy's fortunes changed. Life was good, but was no longer perfect. The little inconveniences were always there. He had a flat tire as he was driving to an important meeting. The twins developed measles when his boss and his wife were over for dinner.

No, Paddy's luck (and life) had changed. He still carried the amulet, but he was certainly not living under the silver lining he was used to and had come to expect.

Finally, he had had enough. He visited the parish priest to see if he could help him understand what had happened. "This certainly was to be expected" he was told. "Ye should have known... One should never press one's luck".

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his, who told him to bring in his cow.

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube, until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together, they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow.

Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.

"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on".


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The local mental institution every year picks two of its most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky patients were Anne and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Anne to come in for her questioning. When Anne came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Anne, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Anne nodded, and the doctor began to question her.

The first question was this: "Anne, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course" Anne answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind" said Anne knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.

The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Anne got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye" he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind" he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly "Me hat would fall down over me eyes".


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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards - his where hers belonged and vice versa.

They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format.

Again they catch the clerk... after five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards".

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you!"


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A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today".

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?" "No" the young farmer replied seriously "Night is when I put the water in the hole".


Alright let's do this so we can all move on...

-Check out the site archives. It's the most important thing you can be doing with your life.
-Next update will be next Thursday... although at this rate I'm guessing thats the one which'll be skipped.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spraypaint your car with controversial yet humorous slogans JUST so he can watch you come under criticism from dickfucks who cannot simply look the other way.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and I'm serious - save me some M&M's. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.07.10-17.31

Welcome to EXTRA gluten.

Old people are stupid. Not all of them. Just the ones who see you standing in line for something, casually stroll up, position themselves ahead of you and act like they've been there all along. There are few things more infuriating except for selfish drivers and people who don't pick up their dogs shit. Happened to me a few days ago. Some old cunt South African woman and her middle-aged cunt daughter decided that their need to get into the as yet unopened bank before me was more important than mine. Weirdly, they stood so close it was as if they hadn't seen me which is impressive because I'm not small. You're faced with a hard decision at that point - do you remain humble and let them go OR say something and risk looking like a monster bullying an old woman? This isn't a one off. Anyone who's ever lined up for anything old people might need to access will have experienced it. The irony is I'm more than happy to let anyone ahead and do frequently... its basic manners that most of us learnt from an early age. Hey there's probably a million reasons why a senior citizen should go first but when they don't bother asking or acknowledging or just expect it... well that makes you an old cunt.

Alright... onto all what else has been happening... and the short answer is mostly more of the same. The long answer, curiously, is somewhat longer and will now be elaborated upon in a series of paragraphs. Beginning with Friday...

As is the same for literally every Friday at this time of my life, the day kicked off loading every tool I own into the car and heading for the worksite. I walked around, took it all in, chatted and made out like I knew exactly what was going on. Next was a quick mission to find a tile, a stop to buy some timber sealing product, several unsuccessful stops to find cardboard and a hardware store stop to get varnish and paint brushes before finally making it back to an afternoon of sanding... again.

Then the phone rang with some rando who'd spotted a Scumtree ad I placed a few months ago to sell a billiard table. It's not mine; just sort of takes up space where we live. The owners want it gone but shockingly, they are just about impossible to sell so when someone asks to see it you drop whatever you might be doing and make it happen. Anyway the guy rolls by. He's nice enough and has a very clear tactic to negotiate the price - it's this, it's that, it hasn't got whatever, its going to cost $X to transport. He makes a ridiculous offer, I call overseas to see if that's okay, they agree because everyone wants the fucking thing gone. Then the guy has to check though, will call me tomorrow, has to bring someone else to look. Oh fuxake.

Not much point getting out of bed too early at the movement - there isn't usable light until around 7.30am and the weather has been unseasonably warm. It's a win for everyone. First stop - hardware store. Got all the shit I needed and on to the houses to sand... again. That eventually segued into sealing. It's kind of a racquet what happened - the reason for all the extra sanding is because the filler product I used was faulty, it didn't 'go off' properly and kept 'bleeding'. When I went back to the company who supplied it they said all I could do was seal the timber before varnishing. Another $70 in their pocket. So sealing is what kept me busy until mid-afternoon. Then it was home to find a house full of girls doing pregnancy stuff that I was glad not to have been part of. We headed for the beach afterward. Took the camera along for the obligatory baby bump pics and then stopped at a nearby pub to pound a beer. Thank you Beerfest for that one. That night, dinner with not-my-side of the fam at a suburban pub that justified high prices with huge portions of tasteless food.

Awake ridiculously early for no apparent reason Sunday I put it to good use by embarking on the weekly soup cook up. A few hours later a ginormous pot of nutritionally perfect goodness was ready and the week's lunches were covered. It should then have been time to head out. I've been pushing to make sure we squeeze in at least a couple of dim sums before the child comes out. Apparently life ends at that point and it could be a long time before we get there again. Unfortunately the babymaker was fast asleep and I was forced to choose between my need for dumplings versus making sure she is well rested. Rest won out and the time was instead spent assembling the pram... which had just arrived from our friend's in the Middle East; no instructions included. All fairly straightforward except for the bit where you're worried about killing or maiming the child if you do it wrong.

Next was return of the billiard table guy and his son. They spent a good 20 minutes conducting a barrage of ridiculous tests and conversing in their native tongue. Keep in mind that they offered and we agreed to 40% of the original asking price. It is an absolute fucking bargain. Buuut nope... they're going to hold out for a better one... that they are going to setup outdoors. LOL. Didn't bother explaining the whole indoor timber exposed to the elements thing. Best of luck though!

Rest of the day... if you guessed back to the houses to sand and five another coat of sealer then you would be freakishly correct. After that it was home and down in front of the computer to work on this very update. And that was about it... my tale of a not so exciting weekend. That said, it's important to remember things do get better. Like this update you guys are about to nom down on - it's juicier than something that is really, really juicy. Check it...

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Awesomeballs - Tardsters - Glitch Lab - Cowardly - P-Salad Guy - Tessa Fowler - Tyra Faded - Inhumanity - Jap Porno

U Dead! - Wubbling - Roofied - Body Issues - The Fuck? - College Sex - Misogynist - Misheard - Beach Bod - Milky

Squid Skid - Crack Head - Lotta Meat - Mexi-Babe - Naked Protest - Office Anal - Blown It - Stomped - Real Softy

The young man came running into the store and said to his mate "Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!" Johnno replied "Did ya see who it was?" The young man answered "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number".
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could!"
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message saying that she loves anal. Then I realised that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said "Mummy, you are getting fat!" I replied "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know" she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool!" His wife asks him "What are you watching?" Husband replies "Our wedding video".


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-"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car".

-"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth".

-"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early".

-"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof".

-"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind".

-"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought".

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket".

-The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

-"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard".

-"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke".

-"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control".

-"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

-"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk".

-"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car".

-"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo".

-"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

-"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment".

-"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention".

-"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

-"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

-"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

-"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole".

-"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car".

-"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident".

-"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished".

-"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows".

-"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have".

-"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it".

-"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him".

-"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident".

-"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before".

-"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian".

-"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle".

-"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull".

-"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him".

-"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him".

-"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end".

-"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

-"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way".

-"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before".

-"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car".

-"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal".

-"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert".

-"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries".

-"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him".

-"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact".

-"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle".

-"My car got hit by a submarine". The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.

-"I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings".

-"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week".

-"I knocked over a man; he admitted it was his fault for he had been knocked down before".

-"A house hit my car". A house was being moved by a large truck. My friend had his car parked on the side of the road correctly. The house began to tilt off the truck and eventually fell off the truck, landing on my friend's car. He eventually had the insurance paid, after lengthy explanation and the moving company confirming the story.

-"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him".

-"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact".

-"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

-"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention".

-"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle".

-"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car".

-"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before".

-"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries".

-"I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realised there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket".


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A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but he manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.

He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realises the woman is Emma Watson!

Days and weeks go by. Emma and the man are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Emma's fallen madly in love with him, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

One day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together. I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says "Actually, Emma, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?" "Sure" she says "If it will help". He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better" she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie" she says, and does.

Then he says "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm fucking!"


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There was this guy who had been to about every bar in town. So one night, he hopped into a taxi cab and told the driver to take him to the best bar in town. The cabby took him to a bar, where he got half-drunk. He hopped into the same cab and said that the bar wasn't good enough - take him to another one. The cabby took him to another bar, where the guy had the time of his life.

The next morning, this guy was in yet another bar telling his buddy what a good time he had the night before, but he couldn't remember where he was. All he could remember was a red door and a golden toilet seat.

"Man, we gotta find this place" said his buddy. So the two spent half the day searching for a bar with a red door until they found one. They walked in, and the guy asked the bartender "Was I here last night and too drunk to tell? All I remember is a red door and a golden toilet seat".



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Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John" he said, shaking his head "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good".

"Well" John said, taking the barstool next to him "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more bad-tempered as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall".

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John "Well, did you finally get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya!"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertiliser on her roses.

He told the Ukrainian "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime". The Ukrainian said "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"


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It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However" he said "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend". The four nuns agree and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned". The priest asks "What did you do, Sister?" She replies "I watched an R-rated movie". The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water".

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned". The priest replies "Okay, what happened?" She says "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbour's dog and killed it". The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water". The second nun goes out.

By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned". The priest asks "Out with it. What did you do?" She says "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street". The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water". She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her "Okay what did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies "I peed in the holy water..."


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On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied "Get weighed". So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said "One hundred and twenty pounds". Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed" she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.

Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went. "Wousy!" Rose replied.


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Paddy and Murphy are knocking back a few pints of Guinness at the local pub and in walks O'Rourke. O'Rourke says "Did ye hear about O'Hara dyin' last night?" Paddy and Murphy, in shock, exclaim "No! Poor O'Hara. Has anyone told his wife?" O'Rourke says "No she hasn't been told yet, but I'll get sweet talking Patrick to tell her. He is such a sweet talker and so good with words that he can talk the fish out of the brook and the birds out of the trees".

They leave to find Patrick and as they are leaving in he walks in and says "Good mornin' to ye all lads, a pint on me for everyone".

O'Rourke tells Patrick the sad news about O'Hara dying and asks him to break the news very gently to his wife, as she doesn't yet know. Patrick, the sweet talker says "I will be glad to have a chat with O'Hara's wife and I'll break it so gently to her that a whimper is all she'll utter. I'm a man of words and I can charm the fish from the brook and the birds from the trees. Don't worry lads, I'll take care of this. They don't call me sweet talker for nuttin'".

Well, off they all go to O'Hara's house. Patrick knocks on the door and O'Hara's wife answers and says "Yes may I help you?" Sweet talking Patrick steps forward and at attention says "Are you the widow O'Hara?" To which the woman responds "My name is O'Hara but I'm not a widow".

Sweet talking Patrick braces himself and exclaims "Shit you ain't, woman!"


Well my work here is done... which is a nice way of saying "Fuck all y'all fuckers later... but read this before you do anything else:"

-Check out the site archives. You'll never get over it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. No promises on that one because this.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will Rolf Harris your kids...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and NOPPPPPE. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.07.03-17.31

Welcome to priests and other thieves.

Aaaand Thursday. Could have sworn I just put the pen down on last update, next thing you know its July. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of this year. Speaking of which...

"Where the fucking fuck is the fucking update you fucking fat fuck?"... is what a whole bunch of emails that'll hit my inbox in a few weeks are going to say. Even acknowledging it will make no difference and that's okay because they're always really amusing. I can't actually remember the last time one was missed [Xmas holidays notwithstanding]; it's been years though. Even when I've gone travelling there's months of getting updates sorted beforehand then lugging my laptop around to make sure you guys get what you don't pay for. But now, with the pending pitter-patter, I'm planning on taking a week, whenever it may be, to adjust and enjoy. Hopefully you'll all survive. If not there's always the archives...

By far the biggest news in Australia is Rolf Harris. If you missed it then you clearly aren't from here or the UK where the much loved entertainer is and has been hugely popular for long before most of us were even around. He's recently been the centre of a trial about whether or not he fiddled a some underage girls; consentingly of course. The trial has been going for a while and this week found him guilty of all charges. Now Rolf is going to do some time; enough that he'll probably die in jail but there are many who feel very torn. How do you go from adoring a person for all that they've given, for how much their music and comedy and art have enriched your life, to having to hate them? For most of us it's easy - we're more than happy to see monuments and artwork removed, music expunged but it's sad to essentially erase such a big chunk from our history. And for what? Because a dirty old man got horny?

Alright let's run through some things... starting with Friday. Theme lately is sanding timber. It's a long time since I sanded anything significant. Not since my tradesman days. Always the most boring yet most important part of the job because good sanding ensures a good result. Did I mention it's boring? And backbreaking? It is... especially a whole day of it. Next stop was groceries so those who are up the duff don't have to do it... then home to do the weekly soup cook up... then cook dinner. All up about 14 exhausting hours on my feet.

Saturday started with a literal bang. 3am I went from deep asleep to wide awake in a nanosecond thanks to 3 -massive- consecutive explosions. The first one woke us, the second was WTF and the third we saw the incredibly bright flash of light. Honestly thought we were under attack - it's frightening to be woken that way and the last thing you want to do is stick your head up to see what happened... apparently nothing was the answer because didn't hear any sirens and nothing was on fire. Couldn't get back to sleep following so dragged myself out of bed and jumped on the computer to work for a few. Never a wasted minute and all.

When I finally did get moving it was straight back to the hardware store, visit number 3 for the weekend. I'd bought a bulk pack of sanding discs, used 2 and realised they were the wrong grit... after having already using a few of them. Knowing there was no way to return them I decided to ask anyway and surprisingly they were only too happy to. Fucking amazing customer service by Bunnings - I'll never go anywhere else! Spent a lot of hours sanding after that. So much so that I killed a brand new sander.

That night, MacGruber. Seriously how have I never seen this film? How have I never heard of this film?? Funniest shit I've seen for ages... but I'll cover my ass by saying I can completely see how people thought it was too stupid. If you love that stupid humour reminiscent of Hot Shots then checkout MacGruber here.

Sunday's proceedings kicked off back at the hardware store to get a replacement sander. No questions asked, here's a new one sir. Thank you again Bunnings. Before anyone could say "Quick! Stop!" half a day had passed doing a whole bunch of jobs that aren't worth mentioning. Next was home to shower and get ready for the afternoon ahead. I recently made a snide comment about [not] doing some of those pre-baby photos that are fashionable for couples nowadays. You know the ones... they clog up Facebook newsfeeds more often than not where mum-and-dad-to-be pose for a series of cutesy photos. Nek minnit you're standing in a park holding baby shoes and onesies while friends snap away. Ended up being a fun enough way to kill and afternoon and we got some decent happy snaps that I'm sure we'll look back upon in years to come, making remarks such as "OMG look how young we looked" and "OMG look how much skinnier we were". Urgh.

Okay time for everyone to move on so without further unnecessary words...  check it...

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Unexpected - Selfies - Surprise Grad - Me Pedro - Dumbass - The Future - Comeback - Teen BJ - Racktacular - Braless

Storm Ops - Hateless - FFS Gianna! - Fuck iPads - Drug Sex - Model Tits - Peeping - Srsly Wow!! - No Love - I Quit!

Game Time - Perfect Bod - Cum Slut - Try Anal - So What?? - Jiggly - Outrage Delay - Dickheads - Indecent - Sheer

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after take-off, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said "I have a live grenade in my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo". Perplexed, the stewardess said "But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo". "Damn!" replied the blonde passenger "I got on the wrong plane!"
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes". "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did" the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know. Five... six... put me down for a five".
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out "Watch the fucking wall!"
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex". The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."


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According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first letter of your first name... what do you think?

A: You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an upfront person. When it comes to sex, its action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B: You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as a statement of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your statement of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

C: You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

D: Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

E: Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bed mate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)

F: You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G: You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

H: You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

I: You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual statement. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J: You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your statement of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

K: You are totally fucking marvellous!

L: You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's saviour. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You fantasise and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

M: You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

N: You are crap in bed.

O: You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P: You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q: You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R: You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S: You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this past of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

T: You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.

U: You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

V: You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills and suspense. The gay scene turns you on even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W: You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X: You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

Y: You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bed mate.

Z: For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.


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A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud 'THUD', and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?" The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road. "I'll give you a lift".

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud 'THUD' Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer".

The priest replied "That's okay... I got him with the door".


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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.

He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.


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Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman. "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!" "YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing" says the Admiral "Seaman!" A seaman appears "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon" as he offers him an M14 "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off. "YES SIR!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"You want courage!?" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!" "YES SIR!" replies the private. "Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first". "YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!" They all look to the Marine. "Private" he says. "YES SIR!" "Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst". The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says "FUCK YOU SIR!"

The general turns to the others and says "Now THAT'S bravery!"

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Experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They come across some shit lying on the asphalt. Experienced economist "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"

Not so experienced economist runs his optimisation problem and figures out he's better off eating it so he does and collects money.

Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another shit. Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this shit I'll give YOU $20,000".

After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats shit getting the money.

They go on. Not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off".

Experienced economist says "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade".


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Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?" Abe replies "I don't know, let's ask our waiter".

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.

"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews".

Abe isn't satisfied and asks "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies "I check once again, senor" and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ...
Our people are scattered everywhere".

The waiter returns and says "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews".

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE" replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews".


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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says "Who was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress".

"Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours".

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier" she replies.


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"Mum" he said "the other boys at school are using two words I don't understand. Can you tell me what they mean?" "Certainly" mum said. "What are they?"

"Pussy and bitch". Mum inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly. "Oh, that's easy" she said. "A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy".

Craig thanked his mother, and ran out the door. But something about his mother's explanation bothered him. So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage.

"Dad" Craig said "the guys at school are using words I don't understand". "What words, son?"

"Pussy and bitch. I asked mum, but I don't think she told me the right meanings". "Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you".

He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centrefold and drew a circle around the pubic area.

"Everything inside the circle is pussy" he said. "Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?" "Everything outside the circle".


This is where everything comes to an end. Stay strong as we move forward now on separate paths. May the following help us on these journeys...

-Check out the site archives. Go onnnnn, maaaaaaate!
-Next update will be next Thursday. Or it won't. See above where I've addressed this very matter... or don't. Either way there may or may not be an update next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will get angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and umm... enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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