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June 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.06.28-17.44
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Patently and floridly insane.

Feels like it's taken forever to get here but holidays are nigh. Destination Melbourne and I must be the only person who's never been. Traditionally haven't been much of a traveller and the east coast of Australia hasn't been particularly high on any list but looking forward to finally cross it off.

I'd usually Trip Advisor the hell out of any destination and ask all and sundry for suggestions although this ultimately leads to frustration. My Bali trip earlier in the year was a good example. Bali has [unofficially] become the seventh state of Australia and everyone has been a million times so the mere mention evokes an unending list of restaurants and other attractions "you must absolutely go to". Takes away from exploring for yourself which is half the fun. The other half of course is arguing with taxi drivers over the fare.

Anyway as I was saying - don't really have an itinerary worked out besides a wedding [the main reason we're going], an AFL game and a trip out to the countryside to visit/meet [not my] family. There's even the possibility of seeing snow for the first time too. Beyond that I plan to drink toxic amounts of coffee and make constant references to how much cheaper it is there than Perth. Actually that's one I will put out there... where is the best coffee in Melbourne? Feel free to email me if you have any bright ideas and please also include your home address so I can personally deliver a bitch slap if your suggestion is Dome, Gloria Jeans or Mc Café.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to is the cold. Have been keeping an eye on the weather there and the forecasts don't look all that drastically different from home but as has been said over and over "it's a different cold there". Okay but 12°C is 12°C right? Or is 12°C a secret Melburnian code for 6°C? Nonetheless I'll be packing an assortment of thermal underclothes, jackets, jumpers, thick socks, gloves and beanies. Not like I'm going to be spending much more time outside than is necessary anyway and I'm guessing heating technology has made it to that part of the world but like a little bitch I don't handle the cold like I used to.

Alright on to everything else. This week has been nothing short of manic. Beginning with last Friday... which contained most of the usual elements including chiro and whatever else but most challenging was a jeans buying trip. If you ask me there was nothing wrong with the pair I practically live in except I've shrunk out of them and admittedly they were starting to resemble shuffle pants [without the gay fluoro shit]. Normally I'd have gone to a shop, tried on a couple of pairs and be done in 15 minutes max. Insert meddling GF. The number of tries and retries was closer to a -very overcomplicated- 30 and I'm still not convinced I like what I ended up with. The moral of the story is clothes shopping is FAR easier when you're single.

The weekend itself is barely worth a mention but I still have some space to fill so let's see what happens. Early start Saturday morning to catch up with an aunt and uncle for breakfast. Long overdue, good to see them etc etc. Next I had to track down a thermometer of all things, then deliver it before heading home to spend the rest of the day working my ass off.

Sunday wasn't much better. Some exercise, washed the mutt and back in front of the computer, for the rest of the day, to get next week's update finished. Much, much, much to my pleasure I shouldn't have to get near the internets for anything more than Facebook check-ins [what else is FB for other than showing how amazing you are by checking in whilst away?] and putting the update up. All that will stand in the way of that is being out of a 3G coverage area so if there's no update next week when it's supposed to be there, then that's why.

Okay that's more than enough of that. We should get on with all the good stuff and believe me when I say there is fucking tonnes of it this week. Matter of fact I've been hoarding the good stuff so break out the rubber gloves, lube and tissues because what you're about to find below is about to set an all-time masturbation record. Check it...

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Biophysics 3D - Teleparky - Epic Cleavage - Brick BMW - Sporty Girls - Lips of Babel - Bikini Babes - Bukkake Fail

Miley DAYUM! - Fucking Awesome - Hilarious - Mental MILF - Tasteless - Removed Boobs - Holey Thai - Sicko Japs

Dirty Biotch - Positions - Public Sex - Sophie Monk - Blasted! - No Clue- Lezzing - Brilliant - Hey Peewee - Unfknblvbl

Humped my best mate's wife last night and today i feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
My mate always cries after sex. Mind you he is in prison.
A well-dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic". Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding "But it feels like rubber". Curious, the lawyer asked "What do you have there, mister?" The drunk stammered "Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber". The lawyer said "Let me take a look". And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" The drunk replied "Outta my nose".
A longhaired kid is hitchhiking and gets picked up by a trucker. After a few miles the hitchhiker asks "Well are you going ask if I'm a boy or a girl?" The trucker says "It doesn't matter. I'm going to fuck you anyway".
This penguin goes into a photo shop and asks for some shots for his passport. The assistant asks, "Would you like them in black and white or in colour". "I'll give you one fucking guess, dickhead" replies the penguin.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wrist bands today. Well I say 'bought'... I actually stole it from a fat, ginger kid.


In the world of romance, some simple rules apply:
-Make the woman happy.
-Do something she likes and you get points.
-Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
-You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
-Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

-You make the bed (+1)
-You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
-But return with Beer (-5)
-You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
-You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-It's her pet (-20)

-You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
-Named Tina (-10)
-Tina is a dancer (-20)
-Tina has silicone implants (-80)

-You take her out to dinner (+2)
-You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
-Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
-It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

-You take her to a movie (+1)
-You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
-You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
-You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

-You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-You say "It doesn't matter, you have one too". (-8000)

-She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
-You hesitate in responding (-10)
-You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-Any other response (-20)

-When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression (0)
-You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

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During the days of King Arthur, the young men had to join the military and fight in the crusades. One such young man had just gotten married and was forced to leave before 'knowing' her. She was still wearing the chastity belt and he had the only key. He was so concerned about her that on his way out to the crusades he met with his best friend who was staying behind.

He told his friend "Keep this key, and if I am killed, you have my permission to use it. Promise me that you will be an honourable friend and take care of her and that you will not use it until you have confirmed my death". The two men made a pact and the young man rode off to join the distant battle.

About two hours later, as he was traveling to join the battle, the young man noticed a rider approaching at a full gallop, with a cloud of dust behind him. It was not long before he recognised the rider. It was his best friend. As his friend approached he was waving frantically, with the key in his hand shouting at the top of his voice "You gave me the wrong key!"


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TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
TEACHER: Now Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my mum is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

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I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2lb. can of coffee
A 1lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You must be single". I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had not yet found Mr Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me I said "Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" "Coz you're ugly!"

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If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff ogled by millions thus enlarging your e-penis then we're always keen on compromising pics of your ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all good! All you need to do is click here and send it hurtling down the internets at a speed close to light.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Serch
Creat serch enegen to find vids eayser. No details
Michael wrote:
Subject: Card Trick
My dad and I spent about 3 minutes on this. I won't connect the dots for EVERYONE, but the short answer is "intentional placement, false cuts, and even / odd distribution." This ought to get the more astute started. Do the trick like the video says INCLUDING the 3 aces bit, BUT when you put the ace on the appropriate pile, put it face-up rather than face-down. Reassemble the piles as the video says, then put the 4 top cards on the bottom. NOW, rather than dealing the up/down piles, simply fan the deck and look at the positioning of the aces. You'll see that, no matter how you cut the cards when placing the aces, they're always in the same place, and theup/down simply eliminates and consolidates cards until the 3 "magic" cards remain.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: smokin asses
From the facebook gods. I believe this is taken at Lake Havasu and the girls are from San Diego, CA. Enjoy.

Good to see Facebook paying dividends. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: This is a great example of dedication and focus.
Bet he left it short! Another golf tip - stay focused

Priorities. I'm the same with cheese. -Orsm

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Adrian wrote:
Subject: Sowetan front page
I kid you not.....

Imagine erections. Awkwarrrrd. -Orsm

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Scott wrote:
Subject: Dublin tram crash
Hi Mate, Fantastic site..been a fan for many years.. Check out this below PMSL. This is the collision between a Dublin Bus and a Dublin Tram- SCROLL DOWN. Now have a look at the ad on the side of the bus that the Tram went into..... You couldn't make it up!!!!!!!!! Priceless!!
Bill wrote:
Subject: What a photo
HOLY CRAP, I HOPE HE HAD A SPARE PAIR 'A UNDIES........ The photo was taken at the entrance to Katlian Bay at the end of the road in Sitka, Alaska. The whale is coming up to scoop up a mouthful of herring (the small fish seen at the surface around the kayak). The kayaker is a local Sitka Dentist. He apparently didn't sustain any injuries from the terrifying experience. The whale was just around the corner from the ferry terminal, and all the kayaker could think at the time was: "Paddle really fast!" He is in the whale's MOUTH!
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Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: Now Hiring
That didn't take long to take advantage of the fringe benefits.


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xitz wrote:
Subject: My neighbour
This is my neighbour: She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" It's no fun being old!!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Maintenance Engineer
I snapped this from my window seat. Told a flight attendant who then informed the pilot. She came back smiling and said that's OK, he is a maintenance engineer. I believe her... Hide details please..
Tom wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Obama's memoir...
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Chad™ wrote:
Subject: Car Oops!
first time long time, blah blah blah.. apparently we have great drivers from where I reside!

Car pooling... you're doing it wrong. -Orsm

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Mad lot wrote:
Subject: Cheating Ex
Thought I would share a lovely little photo of my Ex Nathan.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Wife pics shaved and unshaven pussy close ups. Please keep id private
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xitz wrote:
Subject: I think I need a bigger gun...
Did you ever wonder what happens to those people that just leave home and disappear but their car is found out on a dirt road? Between bigfoot and these monsters, I think we know! This one was killed by a Medical Radiology worker. What would you do if this beast was coming at you? Run for dear life? Climb a tree? Or simply get run over? Over 1,800 lb. wild boar shot and killed in Potosi, Missouri near the county airport, Hwy 8 east and near the community of Mineral Point.
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just because wrote:
Subject: Pics
A girl I hooked up with turned out to be some sort of amateur model... great fuck and she gives great head!
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Before Chain Saws
What a lesson in real history. When the Northwest logging industry was still young. Just look at the length of the hand saw they needed... and look at the size of the heavy duty axes. The work required very strong and courageous men. After a tree was felled the real work began - a week or more to cut it up...

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Pasi wrote:
Subject: random police
This is a piece of art by Kaija Papu, a finnish artist. Took her three years and some kneading, but it is a full-size policecar.
click for gallery

Bill wrote:
Subject: Booming Cottage Industry in Pakistan
AND THEIR NUMBER ONE CUSTOMER IS THE TALIBAN. This country doesn't have a problem, does it! So they manufacture and copy everything from UZI to Pump action to Heckler and Koch. Everything is home made. And see the primitive workshops and tools they use to produce these!

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Koen wrote:
Subject: piercings, nipslip and more..
Hello mister ORSM, Love your site! and com here now for a view years now.. contributed now a view times and I came across these pictures and wanted to share these with you and your viewers..

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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Pics from the SCCA June Sprints - How many do you want?
Orsm, Last weekend I attended the SCCA June Sprints at Road America and I took some really awesome shots. I'm currently sorting through about 4,000. I also took a couple videos, but I'll need to cut those into a single video that I'll post to youtube later on. Enjoy, and as always, please hide my email address.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: short video & pic for your site
Hey Mr Orsm. Ima long time viewer. Love the site! here is a short video clip i took one day on the buss. thought it was kinda funny. Keep up the great work. Please keep my details hidden. Thank you
click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house". "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot... he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Senor, that's the one".

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod". "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse".

"Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod". "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart". "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor".

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire". "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Yes, Senor Rod".

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Senor Rod". "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief... so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft".


"Ernesto, if you broke that golf club... you're in deep shit!"

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A man walked out to the street and hailed a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!" Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time". Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody".

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!" Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special".

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right". Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then".

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan".

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow..."


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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path".

"Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both".

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office and lies down on the couch. The shrink says "What makes you think you need the services of a psychiatrist?" The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some pretty crazy sleepwalking.

The shrink says "So, would you like me to try to cure you of sleepwalking?" The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has his pyjamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.

The psychiatrist says "I think I know what your problem is... you're fucking nuts".


-Check out the site archives. These are the archives you're looking for.
-Next update will be next Thursday from an entirely different state on an entirely different coast, internet connectivity permitting.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will start killing puppies again.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and rug up. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.06.21-21.21
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I'm easily impressed.

Seem to be running late again. Have been ridiculously productive this week so have absolutely no idea how I find myself in this predicament. Oh yeah... could be something to do with just about everyone needing something. Honestly if I have to answer one more fucking question about iPad's, explain why the iPad will suit you better than the Samsung, help someone set up an iPad, scan one more computer for viruses or answer one more computer related question I may actually go insane. Here's a tip for anyone who's afraid of technology: play with it until you break it then figure out how to fix it. That's how I learnt. Got sick of waiting for a mate to come over and show me what I was doing wrong so kept tinkering until shit worked again. Now I'm a computer GOD.

I've been wallowing in limbo for the past few weeks hoping that the insurance company may finally make contact about the fender bender that I wasn't really sure who was to blame because it appeared we both were and weren't at fault. Patience eventually wore thin so jumped on the phone to get some answers. Spoke to someone, she put me on hold for 15 minutes, then came back and said the magic words: "not your fault". Sounded like they were deciding while I held. Odd. Thankfully this means my driving record is still intact in that for my four accidents over the years, four other fuckwads are to blame which means I can continue to roam the streets with superior smugness.

Allllright. Let us move on to all what's been going on around here. We'll start with Friday, or, if you have better things to do, just scroll on down ever so slightly and save yourself from a few paragraphs of nothing overly exciting. Anyway... Friday... after getting the chiropractic stuff out of the way it was babysitting for a few hours followed by a trip to the dentist. I remember blogging a few years back how shit scared I was after breaking a tooth and not having been near one for however long. That's changed now to more of a 'can you stop crapping on about flossing and just hurry the fuck up'. The rest of the day was spent hunched over my keyboard and then a round of grocery shopping for what lay ahead. The next day was to have two first birthday parties - my sister's kid and my best mate's kid. Somehow it worked out that both parties would be at the same time as each other and also got asked to make food for both of them. So that was Friday night - several hours whipping up the motherload of sausage rolls.

Early start Saturday to get to sisters for party one. The plan was to spend some time there, bail halfway through and catch the end of the other which we did. Interesting to see how both events were so dramatically different too. The first had more people but fewer kids, was civilised and quieter. The second had less adults and way more young'uns ranging in age from 1 to about 15. The trail of destruction that was left afterward was enough to make me never want to procreate. Some of them had decided it would be fun to play the mummy game which involves wrapping each other head to toe in toilet paper thereby creating a mummy and ultimately leave discarded TP strewn everywhere. Glad that wasn't my house.

Sunday begun with some exercise and segued into an entire day spent working working whilst burning through a whole season of Entourage. It's starting to look like I may actually get everything done and dusted ahead of holidays next week. There can't be too many things worse than having to sit on my laptop smashing out an update whilst anywhere but home.

Okay enough. Trust me when I say this week's update is frickin' awesome so go forth and enjoy. Check it...

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Suspense - Awkward GF - Dirty Drawing - Started Young - Baby Wilhelm - Octomom Porn - Drill Yourself - I'll Watch

She's CRAZY - Boobie Curse - Why Bro!? - OMG Awesome - Butt Hurt - Botched - Big Baller - 23 Secs - Humiliating

Disgusting - Getcha Shake - Racktastic! - Just Because - Too Tight - See Thru - Panda Fuck - U Sad? - Before & After

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina "I think I'm going to see a dietician". "Why?" asks Nina. Rosy answers "I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen". Nina replies "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky".
What would Robin Gibb be doing today if he was still alive? Screaming and clawing at his coffin lid I'd imagine.
At the 2012 Olympics the 100m final will be like any other Friday night in London. In the 100 metres final you will hear a gunshot followed by eight blacks legging it.
Nothing is more disconcerting then finding your first grey pubic hair, especially on the split pea soup you just ordered.
What's the difference between a kebab and a vagina? One stinks, has got meat hanging out of both sides and you only eat when you're pissed. The other is a Greek delicacy.
Germany have had to ask for financial help. On arriving in Poland for Euro 2012 they were promptly handed a gas bill that they didn't pay the last time they were in Poland back in 1945.
Cops stop a Paki in a transit van on the motorway. Cop says you do know the limit is 70 don't you. The Paki looks in the back and shouts "Hear that. Two of you will have to get out!"



-Women wear high heels to bed.
-Men are always rock hard and ready to go.
-Women have no problem sucking a dick after it's been in an ass.
-When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
-If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
-Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
-Women enjoy, if not prefer, having sex with ugly middle-aged men.
-Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
-Women always orgasm when men do.
-A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
-All women are screamers.
-People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was some funky guitar playing in the background.
-Those tits are real.
-A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
-Same with her face.
-Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
-Sex only happens in very well lit rooms.
-Body hair does not exist.
-No girl would ever be disgusted when the two guys fucking her high-five each other.
-Double penetration makes women smile.
-Asian men don't exist.
-If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
-There's a plot.
-Virgins are amazing in bed, love anal, know every move and every position.
-If you're in a public bathroom and there's a hole in the wall with a penis sticking out, the only reasonable thing to do is suck it.
-When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a slapping her on the butt.
-A nurses primary responsibity is providing patient's with blowjobs.
-Men always pull out.
- When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.
-Women never "dont feel like it", have headaches... or periods.
-When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
-Assholes are spotlessly clean.
-A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
-Same with her face.
-Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.
-Men don't have to beg.
-When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.
-Women are always DTF when approached on the street by a bunch of guys with a camera in a dodgy-looking van.
-Pigtails = teen.
-Any other girl is a MILF.
-If you cannot pay the pizza boy, having sex with him will suffice.
-If there are two women in a room alone, they will perform oral on each other.
-If you are the stepfather of an attractive teenager, she will want to have sex with you and your only objection will be "What if your mother finds out?"
-Male teachers always have enormous penises.
-Women will always allow you to nail them for the possibility of a job offer.
-Female teachers are always sexy, look hot in glasses, and are attracted to their students.
-No one ever locks the bedroom door.
-In any college dorm room at any time, people are having sex. No exceptions.
-At any party you go to, people are having sex in public. No exceptions.
-All penises are circumcised.
-STD's don't exist.
-Pregnancy does not exist.
-Japanese women think taking 100 or more cumshots on their face is completely normal.

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Billy comes home school and he is VERY happy. His mother asks "Billy, why are you so happy?" "MUM! Today, I had SEX!" Billy brags. Shocked, mum orders Billy up to his room. "And stay there until your father gets home!"

When Billy's father gets home, his mum shares the horrible news and demands that he give Billy a thorough smack down. Billy's father goes upstairs, closes the door, winks at Billy, gives him a high five and starts yelling loudly about the utter horror of his offense. And then he quietly tells Billy how proud he is followed by a "Don't tell your mum I said that!"

The next day, the proud father tells all of his friends and co-workers about Billy's venture into manhood. When Billy's father gets home, he asks Billy, "Well son, did you have sex again today?" Wincing, Billy says "No, dad. My butt still hurts from yesterday".


Click for more awesomeness

You might not have known this but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in... but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because over time all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. You'd probably think they'd be male but consider this: it easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push - he just keeps trying.

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It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich German traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that is how the bailout package works.

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Almost overwhelming influx of email this week and I god damn love it. This meant the pool to draw from was thick and fat and lots of other words which would indicate a generally positive sentiment.

If the spectacle of Reader mail is something you'd like to be part of and have your shit immortalised in the site archives for all eternity [or until I get bored of doing this and shut Orsm down forever] then seriously what the hell are you waiting for? Topping the list and in demand are nude pictures of your slutty ex or delicious significant other, fucked/funny/cool/whatever videos, pictures of pretty much anything you can take a picture of and jokes that made you fucking shit all over the inside of your jocks. All you have to do is click here. It really is that simple.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Labor at its best
Get yourself a strong drink. Remove all sharp or cutting type implements from your immediate surroundings. If you are a recipient of this AND a small-business owner with staff, you automatically get my total sympathy! These idiots are in control of our economy. Gai Brodtmann is the Labor member for the seat of Canberra. Here she tries to explain who's going to pay for the 3% increase Superannuation levy. Presumably an interview she has prepared for and God forbid, voted on. She's clearly got the Labor 'spin' down to a tee, but hasn't a clue what it means. Unfortunately, as amusing as this may be, it's serious. These idiots are supposed to know what they're doing. Heaven help us.

Fucking unbelievably incredible. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: shite
WTF? Guy is a wierdo! Who plugs an ancient nintendo into the big telly and leaves the more modern x-Box with a tiny screen?

And that's exactly why that image made it to RS. -Orsm

Ronnie wrote:
Subject: Weird Shoes
You are correct there is a reason, not sure how good of a reason but there is a reason. Those are not sandals the guy in the picture are wearing. They are a Japanese shoe called Tengu-Geta. Regular Geta have two pieces of wood.

Well that clears that up... -Orsm

Shane wrote:
Subject: Joke revision
My brother always wanted ten brothers so he could have a complete cricket team. I always wanted eighteen sisters so I could have a golf course.

My brother always wanted ten brothers so he could have a complete cricket team. I always wanted eighteen sisters so I could have a golf course. Then I realised I only needed nine sisters, that way I could play the front nine then the back nine.

OR... My brother always wanted ten brothers so he could have a complete cricket team. I always wanted nine sisters and nine brothers. That way I could play the front nine then the back nine. I don't even like golf. -Orsm

Søren wrote:
Subject: young kid has serious mental issues
The video is from a Danish comedy show "Mørk og Juhl". There a several of these videos and the punchline is always " ...and then we fuck them...".

Carsten wrote:
Subject: On Vacation
Every year Susan goes on holiday with her flat mate.

Despite Susan's flat mate being better looking, bigger tits always win [unless you look like this]. -Orsm

click to enlarge

xitz wrote:
Subject: Barnett: delivering ahead of schedule
My God.... this is amazing, that mister Barnett has done it AGAIN. Perth Waterfront Development, completed three years ahead of schedule and well under budget.

Clever/funny to all but those who live outside Perth. -Orsm

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Ross wrote:
Subject: Bunnings Careers
There may be strengths in their team – but spelling is not one of them

True but at least they can tell you which aisle to find stuff in. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: parked van
Hey Orsm! fantastic site, always gives me a laugh. Found this on the ABC website, it wasn't long before they fixed it though. Hide my details please and keep up the great work :)

You just never know when it's your time. -Orsm

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Shane wrote:
Subject: Beware of Donkeys...
At a local town fair in Ireland...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: IMG
My son says this should buff out. Then we laughed

If it doesn't buff out I can fix it with chicken wire and bog. -Orsm

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justin wrote:
Subject: Inbred Dog
Watch out for Inbred dogs!!
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: Hope these find favour!
A black Ho I was banging. Great tits!
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Znip3R wrote:
Subject: Chopper push bike
Adelaide's coolest push bike !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have always wanted one. Not sure why. -Orsm

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Durby wrote:
Subject: Princess Liz 21 Toe Salute
This chic calls herself Princess Liz. She came by bumming a smoke. When I saw the Toe, I started taken pictures until I got caught. lol... Hope it gives you as much of a thrill seeing it as it did me catching it.
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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Meeting friends today. ???

I'd mock if this didn't apply to me... -Orsm

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Lucy wrote:
Subject: Photos
Hi, I am Lucy, full time Fetish model and part time whore. LOL. I love your crazy site and I am sending some photos, I hope you can use. Love & Kisses

Girls... please follow Lucy's example. That is all. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Excellent site mate. Long term fan. Keep up the good work. A small offering attached. A popular scam in the UK is that the scammers are ringing people up, tell them they have a virus, get on to their computers, shut services down, and then charge to get it working again. Anyway, you cant kid a kidder. Withold my details please

These wankfuck's have been calling me lately too. Fun to mess with. -Orsm

click to watch video

Dave wrote:
Subject: my animation
Hi there Trying to get my animation out there. I was going to send you the file from my computer but its too large to add in an email, however here is the youtube link for it. cheers, dave [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Brett wrote:
Subject: Accident Dave Ep 4
Hi Mr Orsm, Episode 4 is here if you are interested in putting it on your site. You are under no obligation of course. Stay Cool [Youtube link here]

I do like these. Feel free to keep 'em coming mate! -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Click for more awesomeness


A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because, as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music as in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially western music which is music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab asked him "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so fuck off and wait for a camel!"

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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old tall, tan and terrific 'hoochie-mamma' who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age" Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says "No, I told her I was 90".


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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man" the biker says "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying".

"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve...  and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

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Dear Friends,

There are less than eighteen months until the next Federal Election when the people will decide who will be the next Party of the Australia. The person elected will be the Prime Minister of all Australians, not just the Liberals or the Labor or the Greens. It's time that we all need to come together, Liberals, Labor and Greens alike, in a bi-partisan effort for Australia.

If you support the Liberals, please drive with your headlights ON during the day.

If you support the Labor or Greens, please drive with your headlights OFF at night.

Together, we can make it happen, please pass this message on. 

Thank you very much. Your support is greatly appreciated!


Well what can I say... OH YEAH. Fuck y'all later!

-Check out the site archives. Don't be left wanting.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Urggghhh.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do something... predictable.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and no need to sulk about it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.06.14-19.04
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Welcome to Orsm.net. As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster.

As if we weren't already sure it was winter, we've been lashed with three absolutely delightful storms this week. Windows were rattled, branches torn from trees and the obligatory "Are you looking forward to the storm?" from anyone with a mouth was wielded unashamedly. "Yes I most certainly am". Sunday was the worst. A once in 10-year storm they called it... that obviously differs somehow to the once in 100-year storm which almost eradicated all life from Perth in 2010 but I'm not a meteorologist so we'll just assume it was one-tenth as bad.

If you're sensing a bit of disinterest and sarcasm then -as usual- it's probably because the whole media coverage thing just got out of control. Sunday was bad for a lot of people - houses lost rooves and fences and over 100 thousand homes were left without power, some still haven't been plugged back in either. People had to throw food in the bin because their fridges weren't working dammit! In the wake of Sunday however, Tuesday's storm was predicted to be even worse - around the clock reporting to us the mindless masses to secure loose items on property and stay away from windows flooded the airwaves. And then the storm came and wasn't much of anything at all. Yeah it was a bit wild and windy but the forecast devastation didn't materialise. You have to wonder at what point the fear mongering turns from legitimate warnings to a ratings chase. I suppose there's the argument about what would happen if we weren't warned and it ended up being a once in 200-year storm. No doubt the coverage on the backend would be unbearable. At that point you might be grateful to have no electricity.

Anyway... on to all things me and various happenings over the last week. Starting with Friday which was a busy as fuck. As usual the first port of call was an adjustment of the chiropractic variety. Just when things were getting better, I managed to screw it all up in the days before by jumping on the row machine. Long story short, no rowing for the foreseeable. Kind of sucks balls because morning rain has halted all outdoor exercise activities of late. Next up was birthday present shopping [urgh] and a trip to get the car assessed by the insurance people following my accident a week before. I'm still completely in the dark about who's to blame. I reported it two weeks ago and still haven't heard anything back. Not quite the 'in the next few days' they told me. The rest of the day was spent at the PC doing update stuff before heading in to the city to catch up with the boys for a drink. The last time this particular segment of mates caught up together was a year ago. We're all just that busy [and pathetic?] apparently.

Saturday was go go go from the word go. An 8am meeting about the house build started proceedings. Basically we had to give an idea of what we want where so the quoting can start. Departed from there in male parent's four-wheel drive to head homeward, collect helpers, hitch up the trailer and make way for our storage unit. We got this thing upon cohabitation beginning late last year. Culminating two people into my tiny house left us with way more furniture and junk than would fit so the storage was meant to be a temporary measure until we bought something bigger early in the year. Plans of course changed, 'two or three months' turned into six and it was becoming far too expensive to justify. So a free alternative was figured out [thank you spare room at mum's house] and with the help of six people, four cars and two trailers, that's how we spent the next few hours.

Arriving home it was quickly in the shower and quickly out the door to join the fam for my nieces first, first birthday party [the second first birthday party is this weekend]. History has proven you can guarantee unnecessary drama and angst when everyone is put together in the same place but it was the least stressful family event I can remember. Unnervingly odd. That night, a sushi train dinner followed by catching up with friends was all that could be managed after an exhausting day.

The real highlight of Sunday was that shops were open. This rare novelty enabled acquisition of grocery items without having to travel too far. Oh how I look forward to August when the laws finally change and everything is open every Sunday. From there it was a few hours going house to house sorting out computer problems and finally home to plant it at the PC for the duration working working. And that boys and girls was pretty much that.

Alright we're about done with the blogging. If you're still with me don't go anywhere now - this is where the update gets good. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Undo The End - Oh The Horror - WTF!!? - Snooki Nudes - Weirdo Fuckers - Family Thing - Smurf Porn - Evilest Kids

Thai Toilet - Zombie Survivior - That Couch - Fuckstick Dad - Para-gasm - Bold Jerker - Racist Porn - Realist

Miley Nips - Point Blank - Punk'd! - Hawt MILF - Big 'Ole - Surprise!! - Poor Gurls - Own Brand - Scissoring - Beer Me!

I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre. A guy called Mohammed phoned and said "My girlfriend left me, so I'm lying on the railway track at Sydney Central waiting for the train to come". I swear, all I said was "Remain calm and stay on the line".
I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers. "Listen" I said "I'm not very experienced and, when I'm with a girl for the first time, I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation". "Well, we can take it slow, babe" she winked. "How premature?" "Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?" "Yeah?" "Then".
Why do I like women's sports: basketball, golf, pool, softball, volleyball, bowling, soccer, skiing, gymnastics, swimming, track & field, skating, summer, winter, indoor, outdoor sports, etc. Their athleticism, professionalism, determinism, litheness, dedication, commitment, spirit and devotion? Nope! I just like to imagine them playing nude.
A husband was sitting in his backyard looking rather sad. His neighbour called over the fence to ask what the problem was. "I fell for one of those crazy questions women ask" said the husband. "Now I'm in the doghouse". "What kind of question?" asked the neighbour. "My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly". "That's easy. You just say 'Of course I will'" "Yeah" sighed the husband "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was 'Of course I do.'"
My brother always wanted ten brothers so he could have a complete cricket team. I always wanted eighteen sisters so I could have a golf course.


A kid gets a job in a small department store. On his first day, the manager shows the kid round and explains that the company policy was to sell a product, with a product. The kid looked confused.... so the manager said he would show him what he meant.

Now, it just so happened that a customer approached the manager and asked if they sold grass seed. "Certainly" pointing to the wide range of seed boxes "and what sort of lawn mower would you like?" The customer looked baffled, so the manager went on "Well, you will sow the grass, the grass will grow, and you will need a lawn mower to cut it". "I hadn't thought of that" says the customer. "Guess I'll take the lawn mower as well then".

The manager then looks at the kid and says "Now do you understand our policy?" The kid replies "Yep... got it!"

Just then, a bloke walks into the store. The manager says to the kid "Go on, you can deal with this guy". So the kid asks the bloke if he can help. "Yes" replies the guy hesitantly "Do you sell tampons... I need some for the wife". "Certainly" pointing to a shelf with tampons etc on it "and what sort of lawn mower would you like?"

The customer looked baffled and the manager's face drops, so the kid went on "Well your weekend's fucked... you may as well mow the lawn!"

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FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER - 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES - 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog

FREE PUPPIES - Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED - Also 1 gay bull for sale

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! - Must sell washer and dryer £100

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE - Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie

FOR SALE BY OWNER - Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/offer

CLOTHES WASHER $100 - Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE - Only used on snowy days

FREE PUPPIES - Part German shepherd - part dog

TWO WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES - 1 x 5-finger, 1 x 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX - Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800



GERMAN SHEPHERD - Female. 85lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS - 20yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell

FREE CAN OF PORK & BEANS - With purchase of 3 br 2 bath home


NORDIC TRACK $300 - Hardly used. Call Chubbie

FREE: FARM KITTENS - Ready to eat

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - Pole included $100

NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE - Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT - Queen size mattress & box springs -$175


FOR SALE - Three canaries of undermined sex.

GREAT DAMES FOR SALE - Free to good home.

WANTED: HAIR CUTTER - Excellent growth potential.

LOST: SMALL APRICOT POODLE - Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

FOUR-POSTER BED - 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

DOG FOR SALE - Eats anything and is fond of children.

WANTED - Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

WANTED - Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

FOR SALE - Several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.


Click for more awesomeness

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Struth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank.

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits". "Play with her tits"? Frank said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?" "No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

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I was in a porno cinema the other night. I hadn't been there five minutes when some guy started yelling at me "Oh, you're a beast, you're despicable!" So I said to him "Listen mate, we're all here together, you're just as despicable as I am". But then other people started chipping in, shouting stuff like "How do you sleep at night?" and "You're a total disgrace!"

Next thing I knew the manager was standing right beside me, throwing in his two cents worth as well. I remember what he said to the letter. He said: "In 25 years I've never seen anything like this".

So I said "I know I'm not much to look at but that's a bit harsh, isn't it?" But he wasn't listening, he was just waving his arms saying he was going to "throw me out" and that security was "on its way".

At that point I just thought "Oh, I don't need this". So I stood up and said: "Fuck it, come on kids we're leaving".

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Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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If the spectacle of Reader mail is something you'd like to be part of and have your shit immortalised in the site archives for all eternity [or until I get bored of doing this and shut Orsm down forever] then seriously what the hell are you waiting for? Topping the list and in demand are nude pictures of your slutty ex or delicious significant other, fucked/funny/cool/whatever videos, pictures of pretty much anything you can take a picture of and jokes that made you fucking shit all over the inside of your jocks. All you have to do is click here. IT'S THAT SIMPLE PEOPLE.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Disgruntled Employee
I thought this would amuse your followers - no names please. McConnell Dowell (MadCow) employee tests positive to drugs. He is stood down - but not sent home immediately - BIG mistake - sent to his room till the following day. He took more drugs - then broke into the bar and stole grog and money. Now pissed and drugged up he drove to the "right of way" - started up a "side boom" and flattened his ute. Good work when you can get it.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: for your reader submission page
Always enjoy your page.... found this pic on facebook... amazing what people post.... look at the background..the old dude staring at the girls ass..... thanks, please withhold details.

I'm not so sure it's her butt he's looking at... -Orsm

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Mcs_whizard wrote:
Subject: Unfortunate Ad Placement ??
Google ads put their foot in it again. From online in The Age in Melbourne on Monday

An ad for prosthetics may have achieved a better CTR. -Orsm

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sebastien wrote:
Subject: crazy people
hi M. ORSM ! look at this stupid guy whit crazy sandals in Montréal !!

Now just hold on a minute. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for this. -Orsm

justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
How not to pose with your dog. Oops!
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Only in Africa!

Jeremy wrote:
Subject: Spear fishing pain in the butt:
OUCH!!!! I've never been spear fishing, but I'm fairly sure this isn't how it's done. Talk about a pain in the ass...

No matter what happens, shitting will be painful for some time to come. -Orsm

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Micah wrote:
Subject: Just saw this on tv
Hey, Just saw this on television - game show called "Baggage". Amazing no?

... and I dont care what people think. -Orsm

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DA Walrus wrote:
Subject: Easy Swallowing
G'day The God of ORSM! long time listener, first time caller... was in the Dept of Motor Vehicles the other week, standing in line and one of their displays (no idea why it was there) caught my eye. was a WTF moment! maybe you can add to Random Shite cheers ORSM Follower
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Fathers Day
Hope you like this one
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Señor I Inocent!
His parents must have seen this coming

"But... I'm Inocent!" -Orsm

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Studly wrote:
Subject: My wife being Gangbanged
Hi Mr ORSM, Great site, thought I would add to it. Heres some pics of my mrs being fucked by a few guys, which was fun whilst I was there, but a fucking low dog act without me. Paybacks a bitch, hope you and your readers like.
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Qld State Hill-Climb Championship
A few thngs I saw the other weekend at the MG Car Club Qld circuit, Mt Cotton.
click for gallery
joe wrote:
Subject: old watches
Real craftsmanship. These are worth a peek.....amazing....!!! This guy has too much TIME on his hands!! Finally, those living in the USA can buy Ukrainian-made motorcycles! Production of Ukrainian Harleys was launched by Ukrainian immigrant Dmitry Khristenko who now lives in the States. Dmitry makes his motorcycles using old watches.
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot Chick off T.V
Hi, orsm dude it's been a while since I last sent you anything so I thought you might like this. Here in the UK there was a short TV series called, this is England it was quite a good show, it showed I snap shot of how a group teenagers grew up over the years in a part of the UK. I'm not sure if they would show it down under...well maybe on SBS at about 3 AM on a Tuesday they might. Any way there is a really cute girl on the show called Danielle Watson and lucky for us her Facebook page is open. (Hey we all do a little FB trawling from time to time) to cut a long story short here are a couple of her pics. p.s. here is a link so we can all perv

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Life explained graphically
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Neil wrote:
Subject: Chaps
Chaps............ What do you do............. if your tired, or have a headache, and she (it) wants sex ?? Run like F##K

If you could only fuck her or this which would you choose? -Orsm

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Who needs traffic lights when drivers are this organized?!?
what I don't understand with all the chaos there is not a single crash!!!!
click to watch video

Brett wrote:
Subject: Accident Dave ep 3
Hi Captain Orsm, Here is the latest episode of Accident Dave. It's the best yet I think. Thanks [Youtube link here]

Accidental Dave Part 1 can be found here whereas part 2 can be found here. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Click for more awesomeness


A garbage collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

No answer.

Being a kind and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much louder this time. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Japanese man. "G'day, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret" explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No mate... where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I alrelly toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen" says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'" "Okay okay" replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said "NO".

Johnny said "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on  the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down!"

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls to ask what happened.

She responded "The bastard used 20 cent coins!"


click for gallery

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Two aboriginals were riding along the highway on a motorbike. They broke down and started trying to hitch a lift. A friendly trucker stopped to see if he could help and they asked him for a lift. He told them he had no room in the rig because he was carrying 20,000 lawn bowls.

The aboriginals put it to the trucky that if they could manage to fit in the back with their bike, he would give them a lift. Sure enough they manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shut the doors and got off on his way.

By this time he was really late and so pushed his foot down hard. Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding. The good officer asked the truck driver what he was carrying to which he replied jokingly- 'Aboriginal eggs!'

The Highway Patrol Officer obviously didn't believe this so wanted to take a look for himself. He opened the back door and quickly slammed it shut it and locked it. Then he got onto his radio and called for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asked what emergency there was that required so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 aboriginal eggs in it - two have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already!"

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A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven.

"Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter. "Welcome to the afterlife" St Peter replies. "No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away". "Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter. "No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed" replies the Muslim.

"Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want" says St Peter as he goes off to find him. "Jesus? I don't understand what's going on here" the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed!"

"Would you like a cappuccino?" "No, I want to speak to the prophet! NOW!". "Well, you can talk to God if you like" says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus leads the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears.

"Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God. The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!" "Would you like a cappuccino?" "Okay okay!" says the Muslim, "I'll have a fucking cappuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed". "Hey Mohammed... two cappuccinos!" says God.


I'm out.

-Check out the site archives. You'll be glad you did. Less so if you're queer. There's almost 12 years of staunchly hetero porn awaiting your perusal.
-Next update will be next Thursday because we had a meeting while you were out and decided that was what suited everybody.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will keep leaving the dishes for you to do.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go make me some cake. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.06.07-20.27
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Who loves you and who do you love?

It's something I find hard to resist... starting the first blog in a month by saying "Holy fuck how the fucking fuck can it be fucking June already?" Thankfully fucking June only rolls around once a year so I do a fairly good job but honestly - where has the year gone, how the hell did it get here so quickly and can summer come around just as quickly please? I'm serious about that last one by the way.

So why don't we start with a wrap of the most newsworthy events. A week which has been dominated by the same stories about the same sex scandals, the same stupid celebs and the same shit over and over about what the government is doing wrong in regards to boat people, the economy and pretty much everything else. Let's face it though - celebs are only relevant if they're naked, self-promotion masquerading as news about reality TV isn't news and no matter who is in charge of anything, they're never going to get it right. And you are up to date.

Moving on to much, MUCH more important things - namely me and my life. I'm happy to report it's been a more or less normal week. Mostly good bits. Watch now as I run through it, starting with Friday... which kicked off with some exercise. One of the few days a week I seem to have the time for a decent stroll lately and 6 kilometres were pumped out in due course. Afterward came a morning chained to the PC before heading out to lunch with the significant other. We next unsuccessfully tried to test drive a car but instead ended up sitting around for half an hour twiddling thumbs. Apparently when you've made contact with the salesman none of the other guys will talk to you. Nothing in it for them. That night, dinner with friends, some wine and a decent time had by all.

Saturday was nothing out of the ordinary. Some exercise, some work, some chores, a strategy meeting about the house build [which is starting to feel like may never actually happen] and the rest of the day working working. It's a case of spending every spare minute trying to get a couple of updates done and dusted for when we're away at the end of this month. The last thing I want to do during the trip is check anything more than email and for that to happen, everything that will keep you guys busy not abusively emailing me demanding to know where the update is, has to be done now.

Was supposed to go out that night to celebrate the one year relationship anniversary thing. Destination being a restaurant which is apparently the best in known universe and one I've wanted to go to since it opened a couple of years ago. Not sure which of us floated the idea but it was without any resistance whatsoever we decided to cancel. Why? It's more of a novelty to stay home rather than go out. So that we did - I whipped up some awesomeness, wine was consumed and a pleasant time was had.

Started off Sunday morning babysitting my niece for a couple of hours. Cute little thing and seems to like me but honestly - who could blame her? Returned home to [hate to say it] work for a few before heading out to High Tea with a group of friends. This was not my idea, have never previously partaken and definitely won't be rushing back. Firstly, when I want cake a $3 custard tart from the local Asian bakery sufficiently fills the craving. Works out 15 times cheaper too and you don't feel compelled to continue eating when it's shit. Secondly, I have a penis. The day wasn't over yet - from there it was homeward to feed the mutt and shoot out again to dinner at a friend's place. All up a satisfying couple of days if not all a bit too ridiculously social.

Alrighty then. If you made it through that then don't fret - the rest of the update kicks more arse than is comprehendible by the human brain. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Bomb Runner - Banged My Teacher - Total Nobodies - Dumbest Bitches - Zombie High - Heroic - Gentle Breakdown

Loh-cans - Tranny Lulz - Premature - Twisted Japs - Squirt Recycle - Screamer - Cruel Baboon - I Hate It - Busted!

Tongue In Bung - Disney Dicks - Lucy Pinder - Extreme Kink - Absurdity - Drug Fucked - Suckers - Nasty Slut - Gross

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato" said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No" said the farmer "I get a dime for a tomato like that one". The small boy pointed to a smaller green one "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes" replied the farmer "I'll give you that one for two cents". "Okay" said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand "I'll pick it up in about a week".
Tim comes home from work and says to his wife "I think one of the guys at work is gay". His wife asks "Why do you think that?" He says "Today we were standing at the urinals and he was jerking off". She asks, "How does that make him gay?" "Because" said Tim "he was using MY penis".
We were walking past the local community centre in our town when we saw a window licker, or 'mong' if you will. Fucking funniest thing we ever saw. "Fucktard" shouted one of my mates. We all laughed. "Bed soiler" shouted Jack, the joker of the pack. We laughed even harder. "American" I yelled. No laughter. My mates looked away. An awkward silence descended for what seemed like minutes. Finally Jack turned to me with a look of sadness in his eyes. "Too far mate. Too far".
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said "I don't hear anything". The mental patient said "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
I received a bill in the post today from the phone company telling me that my last bill was outstanding. So I rang them up to say thanks and when do I receive my certificate.


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease...  it's just that you look so much like my late son". He answered "That's okay". "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy".

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out "Goodbye, mum". The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85" said the clerk. "What the hell!? How come so much? I only bought 5 items!" The clerk replied "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too".

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The bride tells her husband "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is we put the prisoner in the prison".

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped".

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him". After the second time they spent wrapped in each other's arms, the guy reaches for his cigarettes. But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile. "Honey" she says "the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with something like the unsteady legs of a recently-born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him again and says "Honey, the prisoner escaped another time".

Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her "Hey! It's NOT a life sentence he's serving! HE GOT OUT ON PROBATION!"


Click for more awesomeness

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet" said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the arse!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!"

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Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Aboriginal - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven. The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back as they're only young and haven't led full lives.

Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500. The Aussie pays his $500 straight away and BANG! he's back in the same street he had just left.

Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story. Of course, they don't believe him. "So" asks one mate "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Aboriginal?".

"Well" says the Aussie "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $300, and the Aboriginal was arguing that the government should pay for it".

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Submissions. Crap loads of 'em have graced my inbox this week and I'm grateful for this because 1) spending so much time working on updates gets me out of social and various other activities I don't wish to participate in thus saving me from meaningful human interaction and 2) see 1).

If you wanna submit something to the Orsm mailbag, be one of the cool kids, get some good joo joo, do that which is right, then don't let little things like lethargy and apathy stand in your way. All submitters will go in to the draw to win sweet fuck all. That's right - a lifetimes supply of sweet fuck all! Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send hurtling down the internets. Simply click here and make it all happen.

Anthony wrote:
Subject: Video BANNED IN AUSTRALIA . . . . MUST WATCH!! And Please FORWARD !
They are so barbaric ..can't believe Muslims attack Australian war graves. YouTube banned this as it would incite hatred against muslims. Take a look before they take it off line again.... Our soldiers didn't die for this sort of crap!

Can you imagine what the world would be like if Islam weren't such a peacful religion! -Orsm

psycheman wrote:
Subject: special request for female pillow humpers
Mr. Orsm, Don't know if it's just me, but there is something quite erotic about a woman humping a pillow(s) to get off. Could you in the future either ask for submissions, or provide a section of videos that are devoted to this task. In asking all of my horny friends, even some of the women find this way of getting off exciting. thanks mate!

Dale wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Spot The Aussie

Priorities. There's no point being alive if you have no beer to drink. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A pic for you
Taken in NZ. Why would you? Please hide deets thanks.

Gay people are so gay. -Orsm

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CC wrote:
Subject: Murdered Girl talks to NINEMSN
Murdered NSW girls watches gran's throat get slit. hmmm 1. did she watch before or after she was murdered? and 2. How nice of her to come back from the dead to give us the "Etched in my mind forever" quote.

Impressive party trick if nothing else. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Typical Facebook
Found this crusin Facebook. Hide details thanks coach

This reminds me to get a 'bad boobs' gallery happening. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Coincidence ??
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joe wrote:
Subject: ford coupe
makes you wonder why they didnt build it.......

Because Ford. That is all. -Orsm

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ameobe wrote:
Subject: Sign
Hey Orsm, Awesome site keep it up. Attached is a sign at our local hospital, won't go up either as that was the top floor. Thanks

Break up with the elevator. Find one that does. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: IMG
In hotel elevator just now

Funny on so many levels... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Norman wrote:
Subject: Samsung Blackhead
Spotty Teenagers Rule OK?
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: David Blaine Levitation Trick
Orsm, Love the site, Blah, Blah, Blah and all that poop. Saw these guys hanging around, and thought, Blaine did this. So...... Hello PhotoShop. Hide the Deets. Thank you.
click to enlarge
Stephen wrote:
Subject: a pic I found
so my mother works at a library and some one left a jump drive in one of the computors. they wited for 6 months no one came looking for it, so she told me to clear it, and besides the church pics and videos of some old guy showing us how fit he is I found this. love your site
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hide my info and all that jazz! Keep up the orsmness!!!

Idiots... you can't hide from them. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Anthony wrote:
Subject: Take a look at this paint job.
I COULDN'T EVEN GUESSTIMATE THE AMOUNT OF MANHOURS THAT WENT INTO THIS PAINT JOB. For all of you veterans... This is a really cool paint job. Take a close look at the detail. May God Bless the USA, every Veteran and Active Duty Military Member.

Anyone else find it kind of... tacky...? -Orsm

click for gallery
Tim wrote:
Subject: Please show wife pics
Visit your site every week please show my wifes naked pics
click for gallery
HomoSam wrote:
Subject: Latest Chinese Craze for dogs
A new trend has EXPLODED in China's upper class where people are transforming their pets into miniature versions of animals or just dyeing them crazy colors but Pandas seem to be a big hit and obviously their favorite. It's become a huge industry and people are spending THOUSANDS on professional hair dyes, salon cuts, accessories, you name it!
click for gallery
Robert wrote:
Subject: Here are some pics to post
2 women from CL here in the US. Older one is married looking for sex the 18 yo is just graduating HS and doesn't get enough sex from her BF.
click for gallery

Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Wild Rides u dont see on the road

This. Want. -Orsm

click for gallery

Kel wrote:
Subject: The Best Map Ever of WWII
This is especially good for students and history buffs. It's really interesting for any of you WWII buffs... it's an animated map showing the progress of WWII in Europe. Each time you click on map it shows the next move of the Germans or the Allies. Suggest you just use the SPACE BAR to click. This is an outstanding depiction of Nazi Germany's takeover of Europe from late 1930's to 1945. It puts the enormity of WWII in Europe in perspective.

click to open PowerPoint file
xitz wrote:
Subject: Video Cams are a good idea
TASER CAM... This is why cops are using cameras. This camera turns on when police Activate a Taser gun at defendants. Note the difference between what the Defendants, their mothers and their wives, say to the Judge BEFORE the Video plays! At the end look at the size of the last guy and the tie he's wearing. Some Cops would just use these people for target practise... Jeez.... aint it similar to Northbridge on any night ??
click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Click for more awesomeness


Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.

Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery shopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny speckle of blood on the little shits teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide and started screaming "SHIT! SHIT!"

Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! FUCK!" By now the kid is scared shitless and starts crying and instantly his mum appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.

Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say "Lady get your son tested as soon as possible he just bit me and I'm FUCKING HIV POSITIVE!". And there there was silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mum isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed.

I walk away from them buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.

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These guys decided to go golfing one day. They went over to the starter's booth to see how long the wait was before they could get out and play a round. One of the men went up to the person in charge and asked how long it would be to get a round going on the course.

"That's going to be a problem today, sir," the starter told him. "We're all booked up for the entire day". "There's nothing available at all?" asked the man. "I'm very sorry, sir" he replied. "Nothing all day".

"Just out of curiosity" said the man "let me ask you something. If Nick Price, Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els showed up here right now, do you think you'd be able to get them out on the course right away?" "I'm sure I would, sir" said the starter.

"Well fine then" said the man. "Seeing as they're all playing on the Tour this week, we'll just take their spots".


click for gallery

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Mark noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore on the way home. "What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly. When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size, the blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.

"Size six" she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many do you want?" Mark bought a dozen.

On his way home he ran into his friend Tom. Mark eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order "But I'm afraid I don't know my size" he told the sales girl.

So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many would you like?" But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None thanks" he told her zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting".

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A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".

The biker pulled over and said "Lord, please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want". The Lord said "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me".

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong and how I can make a woman truly happy".

The Lord replied "So... you want two or four lanes on that bridge?"


And with that I am done. And tired. So...

-Check out the site archives. A reasonable and measured response considering the circumstances.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Damn tootin'.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray drive his car at highspeed through your house.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and.... I'll never tell! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Click for more awesomeness