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March 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.03.29-18.49


Welcome to Orsm.net. Best mind fuck yet.

Having quite the week so with this in mind I'ma slide straight into the weekend... one which left a taste of achieving very little in my mouth. I'd be happy with this if that was more to do with boobs, drinking beer or reckless drug consumption but unfortunately there wasn't much of that. I awoke Saturday to a whole bunch of emails saying 'Orsm is down'. Funnily enough that's exactly how the previous Saturday had started so had a fair idea of what I was in for. The problem had [has?] something to do with the main Orsm server shitting itself after not coping well with the bombarding update days are bringing lately. The fix to get everything back online should have been easy however sitting on the other side of the world from where the actual server is located presents some challenges. So like the week before I put in a support ticket to my host stating very clearly "please reboot the Dell server". They replied pretty quickly saying it was done and the server was coming back up slowly. Jump forward a few hours... countless emails back and forward and I eventually convinced them that they were looking at the wrong one. IE. NOT the Dell. And that little escapade consumed my day up until mid-afternoon although time in the interim was at least spent working away on other stuff.

From there I was desperate to GTFO the house so toddled off to see friends and hangout for a few before again heading out that evening for a Chinese feast with a different set of friends entirely at some place in the city. As usual, must have driven past there hundreds of times over the years and never even knew it existed. Nonetheless a good time was had, got a little bit drunk and went home to sleep like a baby.

Sunday began with a "What are you going to do today?" Realising that the whole morning was mine to do as I pleased, I was for a time dazzled by the possibilities. I could wash the car, hit the beach, walk the dog, visit the fam or any other boring Sunday thing that never seems to happen anymore. As I walked to the bathroom pondering this windfall, through the laundry, it hit me. The smell. The progressively worsening odour that was first noticed a few days before had now gone next level and despite several attempts to locate the source, it remained at large. "One more go" I said to myself. What followed was a three hour mission that involved pulling out and checking under the clothes washer and drier then cleaning out, wiping over, scrubbing down, partially dismantling and wiping over again the entire fridge and all the shit piled on top of it. Still nothing. Defeated, I put everything back in its place and went on with my life hoping it would magically disappear.

By Monday the stench had become so bad I was forced to try again. "Just one more go" I said to optimistically. Two minutes later I had it. Perched nonchalantly atop the fridge was a carton of motherfucking eggs which had already been checked for breakages a couple of times. What I hadn't noticed was one of them had cracked below the carton line. The odour had permeated the fridge, other appliances, stacked junk and surrounding area, masking its origins. In an unusual twist, the egg carton which had been left just out the backdoor while I decided how to dispose of them was later found destroyed amongst broken egg shells on the back lawn. Turns out the dogs don't have any food safety standards whatsoever...

Sunday's next trick was to spend a while researching solar energy. Don't know if I've crapped on about this one before but the cost of electricity has risen fuckloads over the last year. Basically every time a bill comes its almost exactly how I imagine being crash tackled, pinned down and having your butthole repeatedly raped by a dude with a ginormous penis and aids, leaving you with a prolapse, would feel. Long story short I wanted to know what was involved, how much can be saved, technical details etc. Of course to get any idea on cost you're forced to enter personal details so they can hammer your email with junk and pressure sell you on the phone. And that's what happened. Sure enough some dickfuck calls Monday trying to sell me a 'full photovoltaic system'. So I start asking questions and he had nothing. "What can you tell me about designing a new home that will be totally powered by solar?" "Umm... errr... maybe just give us a call when you're finished building". The lesson here is don't make sales calls if you know nothing about what you're selling. Idiot.

The rest of the weekend was spent constrained to the homestead in front on the PC working feverishly on this very update. Not exactly how I like to spend a day off but there was little choice following a letter that had come earlier in the week. The electricity company [can't they just leave me alone?] had written to say they would be doing work on Tuesday and the power would be off for the whole day. This is problematic for a number of reasons but mostly because I like electricity. Sadly, it wasn't until Monday night when I reread the letter and realised I got the date wrong and it's actually next week. Idiot.

My only other shitfuckcunt annoyance came yesterday. My iPhone popped up with a reminder several weeks back saying it needed an update. I'm generally not a good updater. It's not that I forget, just when something is working properly I choose not to... until yesterday anyway. Hitting update everything seemed fine. The handset quietly went about its business and eventually restarted. Then "No Sim" and "SOS Only" messages began flashing. Hours of trolling the web for help were fucking useless, as was the Filipino tech support at my phone carrier. Nine hours later I swapped sim cards with another phone and hey presto it worked again. Fuck you Apple. Fuck you.

Alright alright. I'll stop with the self-aggrandising and get rolling with the update. Check it...

Sadistic Fun - SSD Black Ops - Twitter Titties - Untamed Beauty - Amazing Aerial - Bludgers - Octomom - Hobo Handy

Hamming It Up - Funny Tards - Tits on TV - Abhorrent - Dirty Sex - Racist Cunt - Harder Faggot! - No Limits - Racktastic

True Love - Anal Pain - Honesty - Bad To Worse - In Dispute - O Hai Guise - Bagged Her - Sex Crim - Tight Box

My boss just asked "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here". "Yeah no problem, I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends". "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?" "Monday".
Girl: "So what do you do for a living then?" Bloke: "I'm a ventriloquist". Girl: "Really? You will have to show me some time". Bloke: "I can show you now if you like, let me put my hand up your skirt and I'll make your lips move".
Two drunks were sitting in a bar when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl". The other man replies "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken". So the man approaches the lovely woman and says "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance". So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants".
What's the difference between the Queensland Labor Party and a Tarago? The Tarago still has 8 seat this morning...
My black neighbour knocked on my door this morning, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?" He asked. I said, "Don't worry, I'll do it for you". Next morning my neighbour saw me walking into the second hand shop with my mower in hand. "What are you doing?" He asked. "Oh, is this not what you were going to do?" I replied.
I was through to the final question on the radio. The presenter said, "Take your time, this is for $10,000, choose a category. Your choices are.... A) Greek mythology; B) Politics; C) Foreign languages. I pondered for a short time before opting for foreign languages. "Okay John, you've chosen C) Foreign languages. For $10,000: the Chinese have many different words they would use to greet somebody, can you name one? Remember I have to take your first answer". I thought for a moment before confidently answering "Herro".



-While working as a nurse for a cardiology group, I was asked to obtain a history and physical on a patient being admitted for a cardiac catheterisation. Everything was going smoothly. It felt as though there was good rapport. But the time had come to discuss family history. She proceeded to tell me about her husband's medical conditions, but interrupted herself to say "Oh! But he's not a blood relative".

-A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab". I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

-I'm a Physician Assistant and am primarily responsible for workups before people go to the OR. As part of the workups, I have to check patients' teeth before they have valve surgery - since bad teeth and gums can become a source of bacteraemia. Anyway, because of the timing of the transfers into our hospital, it is often quite late that I have to call the oral surgeon for a consult. He lives about 40 minutes away. The other night, I called him at about 6:30pm, well past office hours, for a patient with particularly disgusting teeth. They were broken, looked like they hadn't been brushed in several months, with chunks and assorted colour smudges all over them. The oral surgeon obliged and came in that night for the consult... only to call me a while later to tell me that the guy had dentures.

-At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths" I instructed. "Yes, they used to be" replied the patient.

-As a fourth year medical student on a psychiatry rotation, I was required to spend some time in the geriatric psych unit. One of the first patients I had to see required a rectal exam. I entered the room, introduced myself, and performed a fairly complete history and physical exam. Then, I explained to the patient the reasons for the rectal exam and she agreed. I drew the curtain and began to do the exam. While unfastening the tape of the woman's adult diaper, someone entered the room and said "Housekeeping! I'm just gonna get the trash". I kept on with the exam and readied the KY Jelly, only to find that the patient's bottom was covered with stool. Rather than take the easy way out and just test a sample of stool, I proceeded to sift through stool until I could properly perform the exam. My technique left a lot to be desired however, because I soon heard the patient scream "Hey! You're in the wrong hole!" Entirely embarrassed, I finished, washed my hands and left, only to find the janitor outside of the room leaning on his cart laughing so hard he could barely get the words out "You aint married are ya buddy?"

-One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart".

-As a pharmacist, I'm often a patients source of information about their medications. When one woman came to the pharmacy to get a refill on her suppositories she asked if I had any suggestions she could bring to her doctor. She said that the suppositories were not working. "And not only don't they work, they hurt! Sometimes they even make me bleed!" I looked at her prescription, pulled some suppositories from the shelf, and opened the box for her. She then showed me that the corners of the hard foil wrapper were sharp. Of course, I cringed when I realised that she was not removing the hard foil covers before inserting them.

-While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive".

-One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well" he said "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy". "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favour 15 to 2".

-A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read 'Keep Off The Grass'. Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'

-A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". "I know" she said "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came".

-I was caring for a woman and asked "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly".

-As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

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A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".

The plane took off and once it has levelled out, the cop said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said "'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police". "I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously replied "He's just found a bomb..."


Mum is working in the farmhouse kitchen when dad enters with his first erection in years. "Mum, get into bed!" he says. She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, gets into bed... but too late. Dad has withered away.

"Ya know, we can't have this happen again" says dad. "Next time I get one of these I'll ring the fire bell so you can start getting ready when you hear it. When I get to the house, we'll be right".

A year goes by. Mum's in the kitchen. She hears the fire bell. She goes through all the preparations. Dad comes pounding into the house, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where mum lays naked waiting for him.

He looks her over and says "Get up, ya pervert... the barn's on fire!"

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Sandra Fluke, a law student at Georgetown University, went before a Congressional Committee recently. She lamented that no one would subsidise her birth control expenses, which she claimed would amount to $3000 during her three years in law school. After watching Ms Fluke describe her desperate situation, I set to thinking of ways to help her out of her crisis.

First, of course I had to pass through the grieving period I experienced after hearing of her inhumane treatment at the hands of the Georgetown administration and the Government - what cruelty lurks in the heart of men that they would leave this poor woman to fend for herself when all she wanted to do was have sex seven times a day (see my analysis below).

Once I recovered from my grief, I set to thinking about ways to help this poor girl. Being a physicist, I sat down with my calculator and worked through some numbers. Ms Fluke's expense account for birth control (aka sexual entertainment) was claimed to be $3000 for three years at law school. Let's presume that as an educated woman she wants to be doubly safe and uses both birth control pills to prevent pregnancy and condoms to prevent STD (sexually transmitted disease).

Using the Wal-Mart cost for birth control pills of $9 per month, her birth control pills will cost her $324 for her entire law school career. This leaves only $2676 for her condoms.

I went to Amazon.com, and found quality condoms available for 33 cents each in packages of 60 condoms each. This cost includes tax and shipping. Since she has $2676 for her 33 cent condoms, she will be buying 8109 condoms during her law school "career".

To use her 8109 condoms (remember, $3000 was Ms Flukes' own number) she would have to have sex 7 times a day. This number presumes that she has sex ten times a day on Sundays, when she has more free time.

So, having worked through these numbers, I have some suggestions for Ms Fluke to help her work through her crisis:

1. Find dates who are gentlemanly enough to either provide their own condoms, or at least split the cost with her. Selection criteria is the key to this one.

2. Spend more time studying. Even seven 'quickies' a day will seriously cut into quality study time. This would not only save money but would improve her education as well.

3. Seek funding from the EPA from one of their Wetlands Protection programs - surely Ms Flukes' nether regions would qualify as wetlands given sex seven times a day.

Just trying to help out a starving student.

BTW, the average starting salary of new Georgetown Law School graduates is $160,000 a year, FYI.

-Booth R. Myers, PhD

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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

Would you like some Reader Mail with that? God damn you guys have been busy little campers and my inbox has the stretch marks to prove it. There's nothing that doesn't warrant undivided attention in the selection below either - its all fucking good!

If you wanna submit and have your goodies ogled by millions, nay billions, POSSIBLY trillions for generations to come then you may do so here! Don't be a dick. Do it. In the meantime however... check it...

Janey wrote:
Subject: Re: my pictures
Mr Orsm. Thank you for posting my video and the link to the hd version now it may be on more sites, also thank you for including my note about my contact info, I've gotten a few text messages. A little embarrassing standing in line at the store getting messaged about taking my dildo atm.

I did call the video shocking at the time and even more concerningly, it was downloaded over 22,500 times. -Orsm

Tomas wrote:
Subject: ALP whitewash - the forgotten issue.
Might have had something to do with last weekend's result !

I don't find that unreasonable. -Orsm

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Shahrimanm wrote:
Subject: Dont Know What They Are Selling
A shop in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah Malaysia

Maybe they sell cigarettes...? -Orsm

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Matthew wrote:
Subject: Midland Crime Photo
Took this photo today while out in Midland. Thought it could get the'COPS' treatment, and could be something you might like to run. if not, no biggie.

Just another day in Midland. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Viewer Mail submission
Orsm, you beautiful Bastard, I thought you would enjoy this. I was snapping a pic of the station sign when the opposite train appeared and delivered a little gift. I almost fell over in laughter. Enjoy. Leave the names out of it, Because, you know...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Curly Qued Shit Epicness!
Mr ORSM! Have been checking your site regularly for years and love all of the ramdomness! I finally believe I have something worth sharing! My friends hate when I send them some fucked up shit so I figured I would send it to you! CurlyQued Shit Epicness! Please, as always hide the details and keep up the good work friend!
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Karl wrote:
Subject: I'd Flip Her Lever!
Campaign bus in Canada. I heard she was bus-ty, but I had no idea. Endorsed by TireRack.com, no doubt

Hey baby show us ya hubcaps. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
New yellow pages. Hope it is OK if not I can do it again with a real camera
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Ben wrote:
Subject: Emailing
importance of spacing

There are situations where that note would have been correct. -Orsm

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Random Facts About Everything. Some ring so true. Regards

Very cool. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Here's a couple pics of my hot as missus. Hide the deets thanks
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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Deer hunting in Florida 

Oh deer. Scary shit. -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: Wanna buy an Ephilant??
We were lost in the foothills of the Kalamunda ranges and came across this place, it's called "Birds, Fish and Reptiles" or similar. Anyway it was worth a half an hour or so, so I thought we would share it.

I would love to know who would buy something like these... -Orsm

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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: horse and mulepower
theres just something about black & white photos that really bring out the true feeling of memories ... enjoy
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Jd wrote:
Subject: IRAQ
IRAQ Pictures by a helicopter pilot

A left nut would be unconditionally offered up to spend some time in the boneyard. -Orsm

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Jason wrote:
Subject: racing mowers on ice
Morning chief, thank you for the best site on the web! Hopefully you might post this. That was what i did last weekend, i am jason huskinson. We should have some good helmet cam footage to follow shortly. Cya! [Youtube link here]

click to watch video
Mike wrote:
Subject: Tim Hortons
This is sooooooo funny! Enjoy!
click for audio
Carsten wrote:
Subject: World riddle - if you have time on your hands!
What nine letter word in the English language is still a word when eight letters are removed one by one?
click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she said... "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem" replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'". "What's Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really!? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately right there on the table top! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?" "Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying "Hey old man, can you dance?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to".

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but... I've always wanted to".

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

-Don't be arrogant.
-Don't waste ammunition.
-Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
-Always make sure you know who is in control.
-And finally, don't screw around with old folks. They didn't get old by being stupid.


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A young Aussie joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors. "But dad, how will I know?" "Trust me son, you will know".

After 6 months at sea the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his hand.

"Well son, how did it go?" "Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard". "But how could you tell he was gay?" "Well, for 3 days he swam behind the ship yelling "THROW ME A BUOY, THROW ME A BUOY!"

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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap'.

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with non-stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'


"Is this really the end?" he asked. "Yes..." came the reply "until next week anyway... maybe you should read this last bit"...

- Check out the site archives. They're rad.
- Next update will be next Thursday. If you haven't figured this out by now there's something wrong with you.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell you stories about his life. I can imagine nothing worse.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and save Benny! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.03.22-19.41


Welcome to Orsm.net. Farewell Celeste.

I've been following closely the Aboriginal protest that's been going for over six weeks here in good old Perth. They've set up a tent embassy not far from the CBD in protest of a native title settlement which would reap land rights and a $1 billion payment for the Noongar Aboriginal people. The deal was agreed to by Noongar elders, however whilst Noongar, the protesters are a group who don't agree with the deal. I'm not too sure if they want more money or land or what but the pessimist in me thinks if everything is all settled and finished, they may actually have to stop their lives of contributing nothing, demanding everything and maybe even get a job. That and being racist against all white people...

The issue for the rest of the community is how these clowns are behaving - as time has gone on the more radical it's become. The council has dismantled the 'embassy' a couple of times but sure enough it pops back up the very next day, supported by bleeding heart idiots. Funnily enough if -anyone- else [ie. a white person] set up a camp on public land they'd be removed in no time AND fined. The group has also become increasingly menacing to anyone who gets too close. Passers-by, reporters, police, the general public, are increasingly sworn at, threatened and more recently bombarded with rocks. So much for a peaceful protest.

As I write this the whole thing has escalated big time. Sixty cops including riot squad and horses moved in to end the protest. Sounds like it started out okay but arrests have since been made followed by promises to be back tomorrow. All really quite stupid and unfortunately actions of the few will inevitably taint how the community feel about all Aboriginals.

Moving on to the shit that's been happening in my life. That's why you're all here... right...? Anyway - Saturday. I mentioned a while back that the house hunting thing had grown tiresome and building was being considering instead. The plan is to call in a whole bunch of favours from family and friends who dabble in such fields and that's how the day started - by sitting down with a designer to see what is and isn't possible. That exercise swallowed the morning and hopefully in a few weeks we'll have enough info to decide whether it's worth pursuing or not.

Next up was some food gathering, a few hours catching up with a mate and an afternoon spent working. I had a choice between a quiet one at home or beer at a mates place that night. Obviously went with the latter. Pretty small affair with about five of us which probably explains why I was surprised when the beer wench turned up. Seemed like slight overkill but the tits were good so complaints were few.

Up before dawn Sunday. Wanted to make sure the car was loaded and we were on the road early enough to get parking, warmed up etc for a charity bike ride event. Basically the freeway is closed to cars and you cycle 30 kilometres into the city with a few thousand others. The ride finally got started about 8.15 and it took about 1hr25 to do the distance which, according to my iPhone GPS, was closer to 32.5 kilometres. Entertainment was had along the way with volunteers manning the freeway off ramps. Every time there was an exit I'd ride as if I was heading off the freeway, calling out asking if that was the right way. They all fell for it, only one or two actually got the joke. Cheap thrills - it's what I'm all about. Was pretty glad to be done by the time we hit the city -never realised how many fucking hills there were- so a few minutes were spent devouring free ice cream before jumping on the train to get back to the car.

Home from there to shower and straight back out to catch up with friends for lunch at a pub along the river.  From there it was to the coastal suburb of Cottesloe to check out the Sculptures By The Sea exhibit [pics below]. This event happens annually, I've driven past a million times but never gone out for a look. Not such a bad way to kill an hour on a picturesque afternoon and wind out a ridiculously busy weekend.

Alright let's all move on. Penultimately, here's a whole bunch of mostly uninimpressive pics of shit I on my Bali trip. And lastly, as much as I'd like to dwell on just how insanely awesome this week's update is, I'll STFU and let you guys see for yourselves. Check it...

I Love This - Hot Slutty Asians - Total Nerdcore - Motorboat Heaven - Bad Fireman - WTF Whore - Bikini Win

Wave Goodbye - Drunk Facial - Misogynist - White Trash - Spank Her - GGW!! - But Why?! - Porn Blooper - Messed Up

Doing It Wrong - Reef Gurls - Terrifying - Blackmail - Just Suck It! - Sexretary - Sick Bitch - Hilarity - Flight Fingering

I don't see why black parents always name their children after such positive adjectives for them to live up to such as Destiny and Precious... surely names such as Nick and Rob are a bit more fitting.
I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar. They both had strange accents so I said "Hello are you two girls from Scotland?" One of them screamed "Its WALES you fucking idiot!" So I immediately apologised and said "Sorry are you two whales from Scotland?"
I'm a teacher. I wanted to show the kids in my class the true value of food. I placed two loaves of bread and a big bottle of mineral water on my desk. "This would feed 30 African children" I said. To hammer home the point, I made them sit and watch as I ate and drank the whole lot. I think it worked, as it brought a few of them to tears. It was the most rewarding day I've had since I volunteered to teach in this small Ethiopian village.
I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage. The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad. It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop man was pretty fucked up.
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog" the man commented". Not so smart" said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail".


Father O'Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.

He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis".

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby "Take me to my hotel and step on it". The cabby turns and says "Sure thing sir - oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"

So the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says "Thank you... thank you very much!"

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Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon three times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the peanut butter.



What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.

Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match".

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.

About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods "I found It!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

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A teacher on playground duty noticed a scruffy little boy sitting in the dirt and intently working on something. As she approached, she saw that he was using a twig to stir something in an old soup can.

"What have you got in the can, Johnny?" she asked brightly. He looked up at her with evil little eyes and said "Got me some chicken-shit n' water". After she had recovered from her shock, she stammered "What in the world are you doing?" "Makin' me a teacher!" "Oooh!" she howled. "The principal shall hear of this!" and she stomped off to find him.

When she returned with the principal in tow, the boy was still hard at work, stirring away, frowning in concentration.

"All right, Johnny! Now, you tell me, what have you got in that can there?" said the principal. "I got me some chicken-shit an' water" said Johnny, grinning crookedly at the man and continuing to stir. The principal recoiled in horror. "What do you think you're doing?" he bellowed. "Ize makin' me a principal," Johnny replied, leering up at him. "Well, my young friend, we'll just see about that" the principal said, and stormed off to find a cop.

When at last he returned with a policeman, Johnny was still industriously working on his project. "All right, me lad, what've ye got in the can?" the cop asked. Johnny replied "Got me some chicken shit n' water!" The cop frowned and said "Ah, and I suppose you'll be tellin' me you're makin' a cop, now won't ye?" Johnny frowned down into the can, critically examining its contents. "Nope. Ain't got enough chicken-shit".

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Want to contribute to Orsm AND annoy me at the same time? That stupid 'ting-ting' sound Outlook makes every time a new email arrives bugs the crap out of me so if you've got pics or video of a hot Ex or current girlfriend, demented shit, fucked up shit, funny shit, jokes, random video or any other assorted media then you should email it my way and know you've agitated me from afar! And how? Its simple - just click here and make IT happen!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Same Old Crap
"Jason wrote: Subject: Why you can't argue with a Liberal"

I could not help but laugh my ass off when I read this, simply because once again one political bozo is trying to take the credit for the glory and pass the blame to the other party. Why just the other day, I heard a similar argument, only the roles were reversed (here in the states Conseratives like to jump billions in taxes into a bottomless pit call "war", but I know that doesn't apply to EVERY Conservative). When will either of them learn.... Its a never ending battle of egos, as neither one wants to admits to their faults, either for their ideals or their party members (most of whom, in just about every counrty, don't give a damn about the voters and taxpayers after they get into office). Zombies like Jason drive me nuts because even when someone he supports gets caught with their hand in the cookie jar, he will willling tried to pass the blame off to someone else (for him probably any Liberal), rather than admit that someone from a party he supports can be just as much of a scumbag as those he gripes about. Funny how he gripes about not being able to argue with a Liberal....I smell the same bullshit coming from him. As for me, I don't go by parties...I go by candidates, because I know not everyone in the party I might be partial to will have the best ideas. I want people who will do their damn jobs, not make things worse for the sake of sticking with their parties.

Kel wrote:
Subject: Cursor thief
Don't ask me how this works!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN THE GUY STOPS RUNNING, PLACE THE CURSOR ABOUT 1 INCH ABOVE HIS HEAD. WEIRD....

<with held> wrote:
Subject: dirty bird
Hi, all the usual chat. Been fan of the site for years. This picture is doing the rounds on Facebook in scotland, labelled as dirty bird fat sam's dundee. hide the details cheers.
click to enlarge

Matthew wrote:
Subject: Photo
Saw this on Tonkin Highway the other day. Some of those brands taste like shit, but calling it controlled waste is going a bit far.

I disagree. Export and XXXX should absolutely be classified as waste. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: something for randome shite?
Look what alfy's mate put at the front of his shed in yarrawonga for the clown that keeps driving on his footpath

Surely a box or nails or screws scattered across would have been easier? -Orsm

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justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
AFL vs NRL beach training sessions

That about sums it up for me. Rugby is gay. This proves it. -Orsm

Terry wrote:
Subject: Picture
Previous submitter. Thought this was pretty funny! Peace an chicken grease!

Offering or soliciting? -Orsm

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Ross wrote:
Subject: The wrong present
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Dan wrote:
Subject: Pic submission
It's well known that we have a lot of trees in northern Saskatchewan, Canada...
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Stephen wrote:
Subject: hers a pic for you
so here is a picture from Birmingham AL. love your site this is my first time I have had anything to send to you.
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John wrote:
Subject: Next on Cinemax, Cock...A thin line between love and hate.
Next on Cinemax, /_*Cock...A thin line between love and hate.*_/ apparently it's a Tom Cruise movie. (Should have been Cocktail followed by A thin line between love and hate)
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P G wrote:
Subject: Obama Bumper Sticker
An image purporting to show a racist, anti-Obama bumper sticker on the back of a vehicle has been garnering lots of attention on Facebook in the past 24 hours. The bumper sticker reads, "Don't Re-Nig in 2012." And in smaller print below, "Stop repeat offenders. Don't' reelect Obama!" The sticker also features an image of the Obama campaign logo crossed out. Several viewers have claimed the image has been digitally altered. After all, it seems shocking that someone would proudly display an openly racist image on their vehicle in 2012. So, is the image authentic? In short, yes. It's still unclear is the image of the vehicle has been altered in any way, but a website called "Stumpy's Stickers" offers the bumper sticker for sale for $3. And as The Root points out, the site also several other racially insensitive items for sale as well. The urban myth debunking site Snopes says it cannot yet determine the origins of the photo, but also points out the availability of other similar t-shirts and bumper stickers.

Ed wrote:
Subject: Naval Fleet --- Truly Incredible
79-year-old Phil Warren from the UK spent 62 years to build this incredible fleet of 432 ships. All vessels are built entirely of matchsticks and boxes of wooden matches. The collection includes nearly 370 American and 60 British ships. Although now at 79 years of age, began creating his first boat in 1948, when he was only 17. This uses a razor blade, tweezers and sandpaper to carve the pieces and boxes, then stick with balsa wood glue. In total more than 650,000 used matchsticks to create an amazing collection of 1,300 scale models. Even 1,200 aircraft made even more realistic appearance to dress the decks of aircraft carriers.

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Arsenal Double Barrel 1911
Arsenal Firearms Second Century Model 2011 is a double barrel 1911 pistol. Well, I say double barrel but its more like two 1911s welded together.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: one hawt biach!
Hey Orsm, How are ya buddy? Just thought i'd send a few pics of a chick i met off facebook. Her name is [removed]. Please no info, just post the pics thx
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Shags wrote:
Subject: rich river rod run....
hey orsm...here's some pics of the rich river rod run held in echuca/moama on the murray river 18/02/012 cheers shags..

Awesome. I'll take this, and this, and this, and this, and this and this. -Orsm

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Aberdeen Angus wrote:
Subject: Hi Nath, check this mate.
Didier Drogba, cheating chelsea turd....this week.... Cheers man.

What's soccer without the theatrics? -Orsm

click to watch video

Kel wrote:
Subject: How to launch a float plane without water
Here is a "takeoff" that is interesting. I've heard of this type of takeoff but have never actually seen it. Just another day for a bush pilot! You have probably heard in 'aviation lore' about all sorts of things pilots have attempted with airplanes. Well, be prepared to witness one of them. When a float plane is landed on the grass and taken to the hangar for maintenance, obviously it has to depart once again. Landing a float plane on grass is easier than becoming airborne on grass.This is where 'Dolly' comes in. Put the aircraft on a 'dolly', fire it up, tow it down the runway, and, once a certain speed is attained, push the throttle to 'Warp Factor 9', and you are airborne.

click to watch video

Janey wrote:
Subject: my pictures
I do hope you post it, all rights to it are of course yours you own it. I should also mention all the contact info in my pictures and video is real.

Shocking. Link for anyone wanting the HD version here [valid for a few more days]. -Orsm

click to watch video
John wrote:
Subject: Received Your Voice Message By Mistake
The attached voice message was intended for your cell phone but was erroneously sent to my cell phone. I apologize for inadvertently playing it but did so before I realized the error.
click to watch video

paarfick5 wrote:
Subject: my wife
dear mr orsm, my wife fucks me two men and the camermen to blow cock. bye men form

click to watch video

Jd wrote:
Subject: Check This
Meet our president .... and the they fire poor mr.malema..... shame.....

I'd be getting the fuck out. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!


No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm..."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay" he says to the husband "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them".

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!"

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CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's and 60's. First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, milk from the cow and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were okay.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/DVD's or colour TV no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet Facebook... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays, we rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them. Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that! Getting into the team was based on MERIT.

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't paying attention. We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.

Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans including a southerner a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 to 53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," said the snooty maître d' "but you can't come in here without a Thai".

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Ida was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor" she pleaded with her cardiologist "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's graduation". "We'll try" he replied compassionately.

In due course Ida gratefully attended the graduation. Some time later she again spoke to her doctor.

"My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding". "We'll do our best" he replied.

And my friend happily attended her granddaughter's wedding.

Ten years passed. Ida visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor" she began "I'm feeling fine but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's graduation?" "Yes". "And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?" "Yes". "Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress". "Yes?" "It has a 20-year guarantee"...


I'm tired so let's dispense with the spiel and do this...

- Check out the site archives. They'll enrich your soul.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Lucky number 13 for the year.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will SMASH YOU, CUNT!!!
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay off my sovereign land. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.03.15-19.51


Welcome to Orsm.net. Don't make a fuck outta me.

Always the way following any sort of break and this has been a fucking nightmare week. Have barely left the PC since Monday morning to do anything more than eat, sleep and shit. My arse is sore from sitting for so long. Its days like today I envy people who work normal [read: real] jobs. Wake up at a normal time, hour for lunch, knock off at 5, time to actually cook a meal, socialise on weeknights or possibly play a sport, maybe watch some TV and bed long before 3am. There's probably even someone to take up the slack when they're away on holidays too. I can almost imagine it... and I'm almost tempted to completely change the whole format of Orsm to try and reclaim my life beyond just having weekends. Douchebags will surely complain [more than they do now] because what they're getting for free isn't good enough but there's always that red X top right of your browser...

The weekend was absolutely nothing special. I probably wouldn't go as far as lacklustre but if you're still reading this and haven't scrolled past to everything else then decide for yourselves... OR do exactly that and scroll on down for the cool new stuff.

Saturday began with some light exercise. I was at one point managing a 6-10 kilometre walk most days however an aging mutt has other ideas which don't include much more than 2 kilometres at the most tedious pace imaginable. Backed that up with some rowing before heading off to catch up with friends and then braving the Saturday insanity to track down a present. It was hot and humid that day which makes people flock to shopping centres to bask in air-conditioned comfort which in turn makes the roads around such places a fucking nightmare. On the plus side, the local Toys 'R Us was full of hottie mum's making the traffic jams and battle to find parking all worth it.

The next couple of hours, in front of the computer working working until it became apparent just how wasteful it was staying indoors during such awesome weather. So off to the beach we went. A swim followed by a good chunk of time stoically observing the talent and judging fatties/fuglies for their inappropriate clothing choices whilst the girls chatted amongst themselves. Next, back home to shower and straight out the door to make some Thai food my bitch before returning again to be overruled in DVD selection. Can't quite remember what the film was called but it was a shitty, generic romantic comedy that had little to no laughs, a shitty storyline and shitty acting. Does anyone know the one I'm talking about...?

Quick stroll the next morning preceded a wash of the car. I've complained pretty much incessantly over the last few years about how so much construction around my area meant there was always dust floating around making a mess of things, particularly my car. Thankfully things aren't quite as bad as they once were but now there's a new problem - a cunting cat which sneaks over in the middle of the night when the pooch is locked inside and walks over my bonnet, windscreen and roof. Every time I jump in there's a new set of paw marks. At this point I'm considering a cat trap, flypaper, or something involving an aerosol and flame to teach the fucker a lesson that won't soon be forgotten.

Oddly, with more than 20 babies [belonging to people I know] sticking their heads out in the last year or so, Sunday saw the first christening I've been to. First stop was the church for the actual christening and then off to the parents place for food and drink. Great to catch up with extended fam, shame on all of us it takes something like this to get together. That took us through until early afternoon, a cruise down the coast followed, noticeably quiet owing to the ridiculous 40°C+ weather, home to work for a few hours and then off to the pub for a few beers with friends. And that was that.

Okay let's get moving. Absolute killer of an update today. Check it...

Fairy Massacre - Bare Ass Babes - Scar-Jo Tits - Star In Uncharted - Sweet Hummer - Public 3-some - Slut Teacher

Glee Babe Nude - Haha Suck Shit - FU Bitch - Star Wars Porn - Om Nom Nom - Game Over - Incredible - Cluster Fuck

Shocking - Porn Bloopers - Epic Boobies - No Cumming! - Double Squirt - Perverted - Oh Hell No! - Anger Issues

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live". "But Doctor" Bill replied "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day". Excitedly Bill asked "And that will cure me?" "No" replied the doctor "but it will get you used to the dirt".
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, having a snack and reading a magazine. "Hi Darling" he says "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Is that okay?"
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man says "Yes, I am". The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy replies "Oh I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook".
There are three guys on a cargo plane. When suddenly the pilot came back and said "The planes going down and we gotta get off this bird but there are only two parachutes for the three of you ". With time quickly running out the pilot decided that these three guys -a white guy, Spanish guy and a black guy-had to answer one question each and whoever answered correctly would be given a parachute. The white guy was first. Pilot: "Can you tell me what is one of biggest accidents in history? White guy: "Uh um... the Titanic?" Pilot: "Correct!" Next the Spanish guy. Pilot: "Can you tell me how many people died in this Titanic disaster?" Spaniard: "Eh uh... one thousand  aah... five hundred and... and seventeen...?" Pilot: "Correct!" Now the black guy was asked a question. Pilot: "What were their names?"



A friend of mine and her husband went to Toys R Us to get a ball for their grandson. The name of the ball was "Ugly Balls". They searched the store but were unable to find them.The wife saw a salesperson and went over and asked him "Do you have Ugly Balls?" She wouldn't have thought anything about this except... her husband was rolling on the floor laughing.

A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the WalMart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. She presented her West Virginia driver's license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.

While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labelled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud "I wonder why?" She replied "Must be because the oil would suffocate them".

I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I couldn't remember the haircutter's unusual name so I said "I think her name is Zora". The receptionist said flatly "We don't have anybody here by that name". I said "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with". She checked and said "Oh, your appointment is with Zoya". So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter names beginning with Z anyway...

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, eg. "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter". One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance".

A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it. He looked at it and said "You have to be 21 to get in here". I replied "That ID is a few years old". He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh okay" and let me in.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.

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It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes" the man at National Weather Service again replied "it's going to be a very cold winter".

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen". "How can you be so sure?" the chief asked. The weatherman replied "The Indians are collecting loads and loads of firewood".


Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.

Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then proceeded to show her what it was for. Maria was happy.

The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.

"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too".

Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only OTHER man in the world with one of those".

Maria accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.

Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"

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A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager. They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.

"Mr Wilson" says the man "I have an investment proposition that needs $20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?" Smugly the bank manager replies "In banking, one should never assume, sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks".

"Here's the deal" says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. $20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very... adventurous".

Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.

"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?" The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope. She smiles. "Then come in". He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.

The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch. "What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.
"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume".

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If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the it happen!

Jason wrote:
Subject: Why you can't argue with a Liberal
A recent argument I had that I thought you might find amusing. We've got three political parties in Canada, the left wing socialist NDP, the right wing Conservatives, and your "we lie to the left wing and we lie to the right wing" Liberals. I think they're all a piece of shit but I throw my support at the Conservatives because the economy is always better when they're in power. I throw this opinion out at a party and a vocal Liberal zombie threw a fit. Her claim was that the economy is doing well because of the financial measures the Liberals put in place before getting the boot. Okay, the economy was in a steady decline when the Liberals were voted out, the economy has seen a steady improvement since the Conservatives have come in. That doesn't matter, it's because of what the Liberals did, if they stayed in power the economy would be even better now. Fine, whatever, no sense arguing hypotheticals, at least the Conservatives gave us a tax break. Well this was the worst thing they could have done, we're alreay under-taxed in Canada. Under-fucking-taxed, are you a fucking moron, we've got the highest tax rate in the G8, tax fucking freedom day isn't until August, maybe not even until September. Well if we paid more taxes we could get things like health care straightened out. Yeah, because throwing even more money down the bottomless pit solves everything, we're paying taxes for over half the year, that's too fucking much. She claims we're not paying for more than half the year. August, the eigth month, twelve months in a year, we're well over half. No, August isn't past half a year. She was too stupid and brainwashed for me to carry on from here. I don't know what they feed these Zombies at Liberal conventions but whatever it is, it makes them fucking morons who believe any bullshit that the assholes want to tell them. They won't even believe simple mathematics. They become so stupid that any attempt at intelligent debate is a waste of time.

Don't be too surprised. The only person whose opinions on politics are correct is me. -Orsm

Dubs wrote:
Subject: Emailing
At the causeway this morning a small car, dark Mazda 3 IIRC, fully ran a red light. He had a for sale sign on his window so I sms'd him and he replied. Please feel free to send him messages throughout the day. Let me know how you went.
click to enlarge
Grant wrote:
Subject: YUMI pre photoshop ( no name please )
A friend of mine who works for a Sydney Magazine, was so angered by the remarks made by Yumi and George Fungis on the crap TV show " THE CIRCLE " that he leaked out these Pre Photoshop pics of YUMI STYNES or whatever her second rate personality media whore of a name is. Any way here is the photo of her considerable HAIL DAMAGE and MUFFIN top rats arse..
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: awww
Someone's not too keen on being at the vets

Probably saw the bill. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: random shite??
Seen an interesting facebook pic. whether it is up to orsm criteria who knows. details to be hidden. fuck yeah!

The day diginity died. -Orsm

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Greg wrote:
Subject: Hedgehog in a bottle
Available now at Dan Murphy's outlets. Now you, too can savour "The Essence" of Ron Jeremy......

I'd be worried about a penisy taste... -Orsm

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Grant wrote:
Subject: Hey Mr Orsm.
Must be about my 20 th contribution to your site, and may well be the lamest yet, but i must say we had a few laughs from it. I was at another of Woolworths alcohol serving establishments, "The Fedral Hotel" and happened to spill some gravy into the crack of one of the chairs. Upon searching for the damage i was reminded of other traumatic experiences i had witnessed in my youth. Made me think that if there is a God, he did not design these things as well as he designed other parts. It looked like my Grandfather eatingchocolate. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Whiskey for my friends and coffee for my horses. Random Shite? You be the judge. Hide the details. :)

Is Tim Hortons just that good? -Orsm

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Spam Bull wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Vag Communication [?]
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: power outage
Idiot kid stole car, hit this pole, rolled the car and managed to knock out power to over 5000 people! (please hide my info)

He should at least get credit for inconveniencing so many people in one fell swoop. -Orsm

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mariana wrote:
Subject: Submit
I like to be a litlle bitch!
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
1967 CoupeR Design !! Nice. Regards

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: English Slut
Here is a English slut who loves all holes filled, nice rack and loves to swallow.. more to follow. Plse hide my details but enjoy

Don't care if they're English or not... sluts are awesome. -Orsm

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Kel wrote:
Subject: Bye Blackbird SR-71 plane
In April 1986, following an attack on American soldiers in a Berlin disco, President Reagan ordered the bombing of Muammar Qaddafi's terrorist camps in Libya. My duty was to fly over Libya, and take photographs recording the damage our F-111's had inflicted. Qaddafi had established a 'line of death,' a territorial marking across the Gulf of Sidra, swearing to shoot down any intruder, that crossed the boundary. On the morning of April 15, I rocketed past the line at 2,125 mph.

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Renofthejungle wrote:
Subject: pics
Got these pics sent to my work cell, no idea who the sender is. Now they are yours.
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agostino wrote:
Subject: look at this dickhead
gday orsm, long time fan, i live downstream of narrandera nsw, on the murrumbidgee river, this bloke tried to drive his 4 tonne truck through this morning if you look at the bottem left hand corner you can see the hieght indicator, its just below 2 m cheers ago
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Thought you might like these.
Found an external hard drive the other day and these were on there. Hope you enjoy. Please do not share my info.

Magic breasts. -Orsm

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click to watch video
Bryn wrote:
Subject: bucket bobsled
Hey mate thought you might dig this. Spent a cold Calgary winter (beyond freezing for a qlder) in 2008, working as lead hand on the 1988 winter olympic bobsled track, which is still in use for training and tourism. Anyway, one night the big boss went home early and me and 4 other lads decided to test the myth (that our boss had passed down to us) that if we all grabbed a snow bucket each, which was a rectangular bucket we used to gather snow for 'ice repair' that was just big enough for one person to sit in, and then link ourselves by way of wrapping each others legs around each others waist a and created a 'bucket train' bobsled of sorts, that we could successfully complete all 14 corners (2km) of track without dying. This is what happened. I was in the lead with a camera duct tapped to my helmet but unfortunately the footage didnt work, so we had to upload the footage of the erson sitting behind me. Start was a little slow, we had to push ourselves, but be patient... If you watch closely you can see my head getting forced down by the g forces as we went through the corners (getting much higher up the walls/sideways than ever expected). scary shit, but fun. oh and we topped out at about 95km/hr.. [Youtube link here]
Bill wrote:
Subject: Cockpit Footage
Taken During A Blue Angels Air Show Yeeeeha! What a fun ride this must have been.
click to watch video

Brett wrote:
Subject: Vid for you
Hey Mr Orsm, I thought you may like this video: Man solves Rubik's cube in 30 seconds. As always stay cool. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Jd wrote:
Subject: South African Taxi Driver
The video that went viral, thats if you have not seen it yet.

I don't really subscribe to that whole 'pedestrians have right of way' thing either. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately there's only one space left that day so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for all eternity".

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says "Okay your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged and asks "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me!?" "Sorry, Dolly" says the Angel "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair..."

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Macka, Mongrel and Bluey. As they start their descent, Macka slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says "Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Macka's wife". Mongrel says "Okay I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it".

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says "Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?" "Macka's wife gave it to me" Mongrel replies. "That's unbelievable... you told the missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?" "Well, not exactly" Mongrel says.

"When she answered the door, I said to her 'You must be Macka's widow'". She said "You must be mistaken... I'm not a widow". Then I said "I'll betcha a case of beer you are..."


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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend "Let's go over to that bar for a drink".

The lady with the Chihuahua said "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us". The one with the Doberman said "Just watch and do as I do".

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed". The woman with the Doberman said "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog". The bouncer said "A Doberman?" The woman said "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good". The bouncer said "Okay come on in".

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought "What the heck" so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed". The woman said "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog" The bouncer said "A Chihuahua...?" The woman with the Chihuahua said "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua!!?"

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A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts" she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself".

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No" replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh yes said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department... very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before". "I know" he said "but the dart team hadn't!"


And just like that...

- Check out the site archives. That's what I'll be doing...
- Next update will be next Thursday. God willing.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will... I'm not telling. Maybe you have to learn the hard way for once...?
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and shhhhh!! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.03.08-19.16

Welcome to Orsm.net. Boba Fett? Where?

With a getaway now gotten I'm going to jump straight into a wrap of my four day jaunt to Bali. So here goes. My last visit to Bali was before I'd even hit my teens. I have a good memory of that trip and whilst everything is completely different, it's also exactly the same - humid, dirty and busy. Aussies flock there because it's a short flight and our strong currency allows an awesome experience for next to nothing. A bottle of water for instance is less than 1/10th the price by comparison. Service in restaurants and shops is crazy too. Even in the cheapest places have staff everywhere so you rarely wait more than a few moments for anything. Transport is ridiculously cheap too due to fuel being heavily subsidised. You can go for about 45 minutes for less than flag fall at home.

We arrived Friday afternoon, greeted at the airport by some guy holding a sign who accompanied us to the hotel with a driver. Very friendly and chatty, answered all our questions. Then about ten minutes in he started the sell - various tours and options were offered until we eventually agreed to something suitable. For me that sort of set the tone for Bali. Almost every single person around almost every single corner is angling to extract tourist dollars. That's fine because locals derive their livelihood that way however it wears thin at times.

5am wake up Saturday was thanks to some very heavy rain. So much for hanging by the pool. Instead we ventured out to explore Seminyak and was within moments descended upon, the first being a guy with a handful of cards. He starts talking - all we have to do is open the card and maybe win a prize. So I do. "OH MY GOD" he says "I can't believe it... that NEVER happens". Lo and behold I've won either USD$500, a camcorder or a week in a hotel. All we have to do is take a 'free' ride with him to Jimbaran Bay [about an hour away' to look at a hotel so we can tell friends. Very amusing. The next few hours were spent shopping and fending off street vendors selling everything from clothing to pirate DVD's. The rain returned later and the streets quickly flooded. Walking around eventually got tiresome so with waterlogged shoes we hailed a cab. I knew we weren't far from the hotel so negotiated a fare of 2000rp [about AUD20 cents]. Admittedly may have had my currency conversion a bit confused by this point but he agreed. Arrive at the hotel, hand over the cash and he starts screaming. The next couple of minutes was him going bananas in the lobby. Security, concierges and hotel staff came over to witness the tantrum. I finally gave in and handed over 20,000rp [AUD$2] and he left swearing at us in Bahasa. As amusing at the escapade was, from then on we went on the metre in other cabs. Saves disagreements but the wankers take the longest route to hit as much traffic as possible to milk the fare. Not ideal when you have to be somewhere at a certain time.

Sunday was supposed to start with a cycling tour which we cancelled due to the rain. Decided to organise a car and driver to take us cart us around for the day through the tours guy who has a desk in the hotel lobby. Cost was about AUD$70 which seemed reasonable so we arranged it for half an hour and went off to shower etc. By the time we came back he'd prepared an itinerary which we had no interest in and he wasn't too happy about. Why? Because if we go to those places he gets a kickback. Anyway the first destination was Ubud to a plantation because I've always wanted to try Luwak coffee. The beans are eaten, digested and pooped by what the locals called a mongoose. The dropping are collected, beans reclaimed, it's then roasted and ground ready for consumption. Luwak is supposed to be the best in the world but didn't really do it for me - similar sediment texture to Turkish coffee without the strength. They also bring out a tasting tray of coffees and teas which compels you to buy from the very overpriced shop and provides for our drivers kickback. Next stop was some markets in an area called Sukawti. Stall after stall after stall of locally made art and clothes. Didn't buy anything although managed to amuse ourselves for about 45 minutes. On the way back to the car a girl, probably about 15, came up and asked to have her photo taken with me. Okay. Then her friend, then another one. Suddenly there were twenty kids trying to get their picture taken with us. Think they were from another island on a school excursion but whether it was because we were bule's [whitey's] or big [I'm 6'3] or what I'll never know.

We headed for Kerobokan after that. Wanted to hit some local furniture manufacturers to research a DIY project. Took a while and a few stops but eventually figured out its fishing boat timber I'm looking for. Traders travel around Asia and buy decrepit, decades-old boats which are then recycled into furniture. Looks something like this. Some more shopping and driving around followed before heading back to the hotel for a swim. It was around then we were coerced by the massage women on the beach, something I'll never do again. Once you agree to the massage, three others surround and mercilessly harass you with offers of hand massages, foot massages and whatever else. Add in the hawkers and it's not overly enjoyable. When you're done there's eight people screaming for money despite the fact most of them didn't actually do anything for you.

Monday was our last full day and jumped on the free shuttle to Kuta. Kuta is where everyone warned us to stay the fuck away from... and not because it's where the nightclub bombings happened. Tattooed, bogan Aussies in Bintang singlets is why. Definitely plenty of them around but not enough to avoid the place. It's also the busiest area and the locals are far pushier to buy their crap. Regardless, still a good way to kill half the day. We stopped to eat afterward at a very shitty restaurant. Hawkers approached us a few times, starting off with DVD's then onto Cialis, Viagra and finally pseudoephedrine. Pass.

Had Tuesday morning to myself so set off on foot to cover a few streets we'd driven through that looked interesting. By this point I had fending off locals trying selling whatever down to an art. A simple shake of the head or flick of the hand was all it took and they stop. If you say no or engage in any way it costs you time. Usually a minute or two is no big deal but a few hundred times a day it adds up quickly. From there it was hotel-ward to checkout, a stop to load up on J Co Donuts [om nom] and finally the airport.

Probably couldn't have packed more into four days if we'd tried. Had a great time and learnt a lot but I hate looking and feeling like a tourist. Ideally there would have been far more sitting by the pool drinking beer but unfortunately the sun didn't show itself the entire time and rain was abundant. My only gripe was Bali Belly, aka the shits. Apparently unavoidable to all, I thankfully managed to hold them off until arriving home.

Alright that went way long so let's just get straight into the new update. Check it...

Rocket Sequel - Cosplay Babes - Hendricks Tits!! - Gianna WIN - Pissing Prank - - Nerd BJ - Butterfaces - You Mad?

Miranda Kerr - Slutty Nurse - Ebony Goddess - Nasty Cumshot - Helo Down - Busty MILF - Masturbation - Double-P

Perverted - Spazz Out - Disturbed - Butt-gasm - Dog Cunt - Jordan Carver - Save Them! - W-T-Fist - Just Deserves

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an 'r' after the first letter". The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy". A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and says to the teacher "I remember it has an 'r' after the first letter". "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Two geeks were chatting in a pub after work. "Guess what, mate?" says the first guy "Yesterday I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar". "What did you do?" says the other guy. "Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off". "You're kidding me!" says the second guy. "I took her miniskirt off and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop". "Really? You got a new laptop?"
I've never laughed at kids with Downs Syndrome. Well, not until I saw one fall down an escalator...
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's the problem?" asked his lawyer. "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for Breach Of Contract" snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly" said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property... you don't own her!" "Damn right!" snapped the tycoon "but I sure as hell expected exclusive drillin' rights!
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary. "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with". "That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"


One day little Johnny was on his way to school when all of a sudden a little old gypsy lady jumps out of a bush. "Johnny, you must take this box and guard it with your life, never separate with it and never look inside, this you must promise!" Johnny, confused but being the good little boy that he is, agrees to this and the little old lady disappears.

Later that day Johnny was sat in class working hard when the teacher walks past his desk and asks him "Johnny, what is that box on your desk?" "Well..." starts Johnny "I was on my way to school when a little old gypsy lady jumped out of a bush and gave me this box but she said never to look inside it and to guard it with my life, could you look inside for me?" "Of course I can Johnny".

So the teacher looked inside the box and almost immediately slams it shut again. "Johnny, I have never been so outraged! Report to the principal's office at once!" Shocked Johnny takes his box and scurries to the head office.

The Head teacher arrives and sees Johnny "What are you doing here Johnny? You're usually such a good little boy". "Well... I was on my way to school when a little old gypsy lady jumped out of a bush and gave me this box but she said never to look inside it and to guard it with my life, then I asked if teacher would look inside for me but she went crazy and sent me here, could you look inside for me please?" "Of course I can Johnny" replies the principal.

The head opens the box and without a moment's hesitation slams it shut roaring at Johnny "Go home immediately, you are expelled!" Johnny runs home almost in tears now.

When he gets home his mother is preparing dinner "What are you doing home so early Johnny, school finish early?" "No mum... worse" still panting from the run home. "Why whatever is the matter?" "Well... I was on my way to school when a little old gypsy lady jumped out of a bush and gave me this box but she said never to look inside it and to guard it with my life, then I asked if teacher would look inside for me but she went crazy and sent me to the head, then he looked inside shouted at me and expelled me from the school, could you look inside for me please?". "Of course Johnny, calm down".

So Johnny's mother looks inside the box, screams and slams it shut again. "Johnny get out of my home and never come back, I disown you!!" Johnny in a full flood of tears now runs outside and away down the street.

Johnny is now sat on the curb in tears without a clue what to do when along walks a policeman "Johnny, whatever is the matter?" "Well... I was on my way to school when a little old gypsy lady jumped out of a bush and gave me this box but she said never to look inside it and to guard it with my life, then I asked if teacher would look inside for me but she went crazy and sent me to the head, then he looked inside shouted at me and expelled me from the school, so I went home and asked my mother and she disowned me, please could you tell me what is in the box sir?" "Of course Johnny, I will sort you out don't worry". The policeman looks inside the box and slams it shut straight away "You're coming with me sonny, you're nicked!" Johnny's face fades to white.

While sat in his cell still with the box Johnny's cell mate pipes up "So, what you in for?" "Well... I was on my way to school when a little old gypsy lady jumped out of a bush and gave me this box but she said never to look inside it and to guard it with my life, then I asked if teacher would look inside for me but she went crazy and sent me to the head, then he looked inside shouted at me and expelled me from the school, so I went home and asked my mother and she disowned me, then along the policeman came and he arrested me when he saw it. I don't understand, I just really want to know what is in the box, could you tell me?" "Yeah, alright".

So the prisoner opens the box, stares for a little while and closes it very gently. "Oh, I see" he says, "Johnny you really want to know what this is don't you?" "YEAH!" "Well, me and the boys are planning a breakout tonight and we need an extra pair of hands, you help us break out and I will tell you when we're free".

So that night they break out, they run for miles across fields with sirens blaring from behind them when eventually they reach the jurisdiction border. "Right Johnny, we just need to cross this road and we're home free". The man steps into the road when WHAM! A huge lorry smashes him into the road.

Now the moral of this story is always look left 'and' right before you cross.

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While on a road trip, Harry and Martha stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, Martha unknowingly left her glasses on the table. She didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, Harry became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed, complained and scolded Martha relentlessly during the entire return trip. The more he chided her more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To Martha's relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As Martha got out of the car and hobbled inside to retrieve her glasses the old geezer shook his fist and yelled... "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"


Colin was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to now. Just name someone -anyone- and I know them. Tired of his boasting, his boss called Colin's bluff "Okay Colin - how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yep, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough Tom answers and shouts "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else" Colin says. "President Obama!" his boss quickly retorts. "Yep..." Colin says "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." So off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up".

Well, Colin's boss is pretty shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope!" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Germany and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope". And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side Colin asks him "What happened?" His boss looks up and says "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said "Who the fuck's that on the balcony with Colin?"

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-You have the bladder capacity of five people combined.
-You have restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
-You believe that 50 per cent of people are a waste of good air.
-Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun" call.
-You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
-You support aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
-You disbelieve 90 per cent of what you hear and 75 per cent of what you see.
-You have your weekends off planned for a year.
-You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
-You refer to your favourite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.
-You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide: Getting it right the first time".
-You ever had to put the phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
-You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
-You know anyone who says "I only had two beers" is going to blow at least a .15
-You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
-Anyone has ever said to you "There are people killing other people out there and you are here messing with me".
-People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange places... and you know where they're located.
-You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while standing over a dead body.
-You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
-You walk into places and people think its high comedy to grab their buddy and shout "They've come to get you, Bill".
-You do not see daylight from November until May.
-People shout "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.
-A week's worth of laundry consists of five T-shirts, five pairs of socks, and five pairs of underwear.
-You've ever referred to Tuesday as "My weekend".
-You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.

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JACK (age 3) was watching his mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six".

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mum good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window".

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mum explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again" she said "It makes my teeth cough".

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his mum asked what was troubling him, he replied "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt". Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

You bastards get a double dose this week. I'm just that kind of guy. Check it...

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While visiting the United Kingdom, Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher. When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.

Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!" "I have been referred to by that name, yes" replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart. "And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.

"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air. "Oh, yes?" replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"

With the long weekend jaunt there was just no time to get everything done and as such Reader Mail gets the dick today. Instead here's a fuckload of videos to keep you occupied. Go go go...

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck. He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more. He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now. The hooker says "Honey, if you got the cash we can make your wish come true". Tom realises he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so. The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'"

Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in. She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.

Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later the money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately rushes to the phone to call his 'dream woman'. He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight. Tom says to the maid "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call".

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A couple goes to the zoo for lunch and stops in front of the monkey cage. A large monkey begins looking at them. The man tosses the monkey a peach from his lunch bag. Monkey looks at the peach, breaks it in half, takes the pit out, shoves it up its arse, takes it back out, puts the pit back in the peach, closes the two halves, and eats the peach.

The couple is grossed out by this, but curious as to whether the monkey would do it again so the man tosses the monkey his second peach. The monkey looks at the second peach, breaks it in half, takes the pit out, shoves it up its arse, takes it back out, puts the pit back in the peach, closes the two halves, and eats the peach. The couple are really disgusted by this.

Just then the zoo keeper walks by so the couple stop him and ask why the monkey has such a disgusting habit. The zoo keeper says "Oh yeah he's been doing that for about two weeks now. Ever since someone gave him an Avocado and he had trouble passing the pit. Now he checks to make sure they fit before he eats anything..."


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There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas". He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas". Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas". He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane the voice says "Go to Caesar's Palace". He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says "Make your way to the roulette table". He goes to the roulette table. The voice says "Put all your money on RED 23". He puts all his money on RED 23. The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up BLACK 17. The voice says "Shit!!"

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There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

A man sits down next to her and asks her "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit". "Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!!"

"So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!"

"We're going about 90mph now with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!"

She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN DRIVE!!"


And with that we're done. Absolute fucking mission getting it all together. Probably should have planned it better but I'm satisfied that you guys will be satisfied. Before departing please read the following...

- Check out the site archives. Life's greatest guilty pleasure. Don't worry - I won't tell anyone.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Surely you know this by now...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will produce a thirty-minute documentary about you called "Butthole 2012" and organise a giant social media campaign to raise awareness and bring you to justice.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget your acidophilus. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.03.01-20.11

Welcome to Orsm.net. Steak for breakfast.

How summer is over already is beyond me. According to whoever controls the weather it was the hottest one in 34 years and before that almost 70 million years. Unfortunately for those of us who [now] appreciate unrelenting heat there was far too much rain gayness so most of the time it felt more like autumn or spring or being inappropriately touched by an ugly girl. March is usually the hottest month so hopefully shit kicks up a bit before shit starts cooling down and I'm forced to flee the country for warmer pastures. Speaking of which...

Bali tomorrow. I've spent the last couple of months feeling like a fat kid about to walk into McDonalds with an unlimited cheeseburgers voucher. Yeah it's only Bali, which we all know is a dirty shithole, but bear in mind I'm little-travelled so anywhere that isn't home is a giant novelty. I've been raiding Trip Advisor regularly planning what we should and shouldn't do to get the most out of the four day jaunt. Then at some point I remembered it's way better to just go and explore. So we're going to do a few of the 'absolute must' things friends have [in some cases forcefully] suggested and just wing it for the rest. In the meantime please don't rob my house.

Okay so on to everything else... let's start with exceedingly productive Friday which was, funnily enough, exceedingly productive. After punching out a 29 kilometre cycle and various other health related activities I headed for the city. My iPhone isn't keeping charge for very long and needs a battery replacement. So Apple Store was the destination and all I can say is holy crap. Must have been at least 200 people in there either buying stuff or getting stuff fixed. If I had any doubts about Apple's popularity, that cleared things up pretty quickly. Also if I had any doubts about how Apple is worth $500 billon then checking out their pricing [$189 to do the job - thanks anyway] will also clear things up pretty quickly.

From there it was coffee with a mate, banking, home to pay countless bills, organise car insurance, finish sorting the paper Everest on my desk, replied to a bunch of emails plus a whole lot of other crap I never have time to do. It was the culmination of weeks of boring ass boringness I won't have to think about for a couple of months. Ironically here I am telling a few hundred thousand people about it. Suck it.

Was supposed to start Saturday much the same way I started Friday however stuff came up so after squeezing in the mandatory exercise it was off to coffee with the parents. The whole house hunting fiasco has now taken a new direction. Instead of buying and leaving this quaint 50's-era pile of excreta for someone else to deal with, we're considering demolishing and building. So that's what was up for discussion. From there it was off to pick up a mate to go watch his house being auctioned. Predictably anticlimactic. Next was food shopping which took us through to mid-afternoon, some friends came by, did some work stuff and that was more or less that.

Was back on the bikes Sunday except this time we drove to the other side of the city to take in some new territory. What followed was a windy and punishing 26 kilometres that I'm in no rush to repeat. For the locals - started near the Burswood tent embassy, rode to Deep Water Point for a saddening coffee experience and then back. Returning home it was on the rower for the fourteenth consecutive day which means it can only a matter of time before I'm approached by the UFC...

Rest of the day was comprised of noodle annihilation and some display home surveilling before a few hours in front of the PC and then down to the local pub for a friends impromptu birthday drinks. Conveniently the pub is less than a kilometre away and I've flatly refused to go there in the past because, like Bali, it too is a dirty shithole but as it turns out its saving grace is actually the skanky girls. One of my favourite pastimes is people watching so sitting to one side judging the skanky-skanks parading by made for a fulfilling end to the weekend.

Aaaand enough. We should probably get busy with the important stuff before it gets late. What you'll find below is the culmination of a lifetimes work and absolutely guaranteed to please. If it doesn't then the problem clearly is with you. Maybe you're depressed, in a dark place, impossible to please or just have unrealistic expectations about what a free website should provide. For everyone else - go forth and enjoy. Check it...

So Addictive - Office Hotties - Diet WIN - Sofia Vergara - 70's Boobies - Stealth Sex - Fatal Jumps - Brazilian Bodies

Freak Pussy - Cum Addict - Tasty Teen - Crackwhoring - Sleeping Beauty - Obliterated - Load Of Shit - Dirty Gurl

'Suckatorium' - Suck It Babe - Sorry Pal! - Legendary - Please No! - Jabba The Slut - Dumbass - Hooker Love

My mate just called me from Thailand and told me that he'd had his first ladyboy experience. I said "Sorry?" He said "I was having a beer in a bar and we got chatting. She looked like a lady, she walked like a lady and she spoke like a lady". "So how did you know she wasn't a lady?" I asked. "When we drove back to the hotel and 'she' reversed the car into the parking space on the first attempt, I knew I'd fucked up".
I can't stand those winging people who bleat on about how bad off they are. My mate Steve is brill, he had a bad car accident and lost his voice and both his legs, but do you think he makes a song and dance about it...?
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Luckily, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells "Spot, get down from there". The guy thinks 'Great, they think the dog did it'. He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you!"
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Becky woke up and told Sam, her husband, about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones as low as $10". Sam asked "What about one my size?" To which Becky replied: "Didn't get a bid!" Sam wanted revenge, so the next morning he told Becky about his dream. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10". Becky asked "What about ones like mine?" To which Sam responded "That's where they held the auction".
I went up to a girl in the night club last night "Excuse me love, are you a brick layer?" I asked with a cheeky grin. "Why are you hoping to get laid?" she winked back. "No, it's just with that much make up on, you must be experienced with a trowel".



-Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
-Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
- Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
-Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
-If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
-Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
-My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
-Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
-It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
-If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
-Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
-A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
-No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
-Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
-Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
-Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
-When you eat a candy bar or have a wonderful dessert, have a diet drink. The calories are cancelled out by the diet drink.
-I love deadlines...especially the 'whooshing' sound they make as they fly by.
-When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
-What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
-How can there be self-help 'groups'?
-Is there another word for 'synonym'?
-The speed of time is one-second per second.
-Is it possible to be totally partial?
-What is another word for 'thesaurus'?
-If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
-It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
-Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
-Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
-Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
-Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.
-Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
-Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
-If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.
-If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
-If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
-If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
-If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
-If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
-If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
-It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
-Never buy a car you can't push.
-Never pet a burning dog.
-Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
-Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
-Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
-There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
-There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die'.
-When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
-If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

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A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6 between them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lots of cute guys.

Ten years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

Ten years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes) and fish is good for cholesterol.

Ten years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

Ten years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

Ten years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they were pretty sure they had never been there before.


Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss the world.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something but after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was in the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -lo and behold- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied "I've been in jail". "Jail!?" cried Sam "What in the world for?" "Well" Bill said "you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah" said Sam "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty... then the damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury".

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday".

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever". "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?" "I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: 'O o'. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable" says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram" the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: 'o O'. Then I pointed to the little circle and said "This is your asshole before prison......."

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If you would like to have your say, share dirty pics of your ex, send in a crazy video, a hilarious joke or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email then both myself and the rest of the world would love to see it! All you must do is click here and make the it happen!

Cameron wrote:
Subject: iPads?
Hey mate, why videos work on iPhone but not iPad??? Sent from my iPad2

Have had more than a few emails about this in the last couple of weeks. I guess people suddenly went on an iPad buying spree but to answer the question - I wasn't aware but we're now trying to work it out. -Orsm

Dave wrote:
Subject: From a British Paper
Thought you might like to see this. Love the site, keep up the good work. Didn't realise you guys were so tender!!

Several words spring to mind... 'soft cock' and 'weak as piss'. -Orsm

louis wrote:
Subject: ho ho ho from sydney
i played the 'say it backwards' clip backwards - shes a fake - she sounds like my dog on xtc. she needs to fucked everyone backwards instead.
Brett wrote:
Subject: Anyone care for a cupcake ? B
Howzit Orsm. My colleague's dog stole his kids' just baked cup cakes off the table and chowed the lot. The next day he found the silicon cups on the grass- neatly stacked together- all four cups lovely...
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Look what we found
Look what we found lying in the bush while out on our club ride. Regards

The wild Police Vehicle, native to this part of Africa, can often be spotted grazing, seemingly indifferent to passersby. -Orsm

Ross wrote:
Subject: muppets
Who will be PM?

About sums it up. -Orsm

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Shags wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Composite airplanes taking off
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Simon wrote:
Subject: Great repair job
Thought this was pretty good. Cheers

Still better done than most of the cars in the ridiculous body kits gallery a few weeks back. -Orsm

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Eish!!
Yo boet, Some idea's to save for on your wedding. I hear when you get drunk you like to break the plates and glasses ... Not at my  party!!!!!

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Steve Bonehard wrote:
Subject: Emailing
The Chris Brown / Rihanna Reunion Album is out! Jamming!
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Intelligence Transfer .......... Simple!

If only it was that easy. Sigh. -Orsm

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justin wrote:
Subject: Thai Floods ?
Wet weather no problems think outside the square
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joe wrote:
Subject: Bike museum....awesome!
This is the Barber Motorsports Park. Fortunately they don't discriminate against happy-go-lucky idiots who love riding motorcycles.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Girl pics
Here are a few pics a girl I know sent me out of the blue, thought I'd share em with you. Please keep my info private.

I'm thinking it's probably the only way she can pick up... -Orsm

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Rick wrote:
Subject: World's Rarest Car
This is the car that in 1954 could have "killed" the Corvette. So, Chevrolet, being GM's big sales and profit division, campaigned to GM to "kill" this car. When Chevy was coming out with its 6-cyl. sports car with its 2-speed "powerglide" transmission and side curtains, here was a sports car from Olds with a big old V-8 and power windows. So, GM said no to Oldsmobile on building this car. The world's rarest automobile: a 1954 Concept Old's Rocket F88 - the only one in existence.
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Town called Groom, TX
You may have already seen this, but it is quite a work of art and really delivers the Gospel message in a powerful manner! There is always someone stopped here to visit, pray, or meditate. Trucks, buses, or single vehicles. Groom, TX is a tiny town on I-40, but gets lots of visitors because of what you see below. Read message at the end of pictures! These are the pictures of the crucifixion of Christ, Sculptured from metal. The crosses are made of metal also. A man did this out of the kindness of his heart. Someone donated the land on which to erect them.

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justin wrote:
Subject: old school pics for you orsm
Enjoy these vintage porn pics! Just a part of my stash. They are from the collection at deltaofvenus.com, if you like the photos you should consider supporting them, an assload of antique porno pics and movies, great variety. Really a great site, I would not steer you wrong!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi. It was my Birthday in September, and this was a video clip I got from a "friend with benefits". Please withhold details

I wonder what she's trying to convey with this video...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ski Crash Video
Hi Orsm. I thought you might like to use this video clip of my mate trying to ski off piste. He'd only been skiing for a week or so when this happened. Enjoy [Youtube link here]

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Reader submission
Long time viewer first time post. A short video clip that was sent to me of my ex! please withhold details
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David wrote:
Subject: readers mail
Hey Orsm, I know you like your Holdens so I thought I would send you this vid of me driving my Holden up at lancelin on the weekend... Its my first 4 wheel drive and I took it on the beach for the first time last weekend. My mate got a clip of me driving on some soft stuff. Let me know what you think... [Youtube link here]

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Michael wrote:
Subject: F22 Raptor Take Off
Hi Orsm, Long time reader Blah Blah. Attached link of proper vid off this awesome plane rather than shitty rear view. I was there and it was awesome!!! Ta [Youtube link here]

One of the sexiest things I've ever seen. -Orsm

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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!


At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new car every year and his wife with a mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile "If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sex".

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Fuck him'".

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At a time when our politicians tend to apologise for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our former patriots handled negative comments about our country.

-JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded "Does that include those who are buried here?" DeGaulle did not respond.

-When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return".

-There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?" A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people, they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities, they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships... how many does France have?"

-A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the US, English, Canadian, Australian and French navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German".

-Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready". The American said "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it". "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show my passport to".


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On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky but they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming".

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed he finally squeaked "It's got to be your ears".

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "My ears? Look at these breasts... they're full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat he stammered... "Outside when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me".


And that is pretty much that... actually no... that's exactly that. I'll leave you with the following handy information. Make sure you read the lot to save any awkward or embarrassing situations...

- Check out the site archives. I spent some time surfing through the other day and almost got lost. Please be careful.
- Next update will be next Thursday. ... unless I decide to stay in Bali, get blown up in a terrorist attack or become debilitatingly ill.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will have you declared legally dead.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please don't rob my house. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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