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March 2014...
orsmupdate 2014.03.27-18.20

Welcome to Orsm.net. The leading Orsm site on the net.

I think I'm getting better with age. Not necessarily a better person or any gay shit like that; just better at containing my excitement - its been over 3 months since we booked plane tickets to Melbourne and I managed not to blog it even once. That boys and girls is growth.  

So that's where I was for the last 6 days and why, if you noticed, the update was up in the very early hours of Thursday. Seemed more practical than lugging my laptop around. Anyway... about Melb... this is my second visit and a holiday which wasn't all holiday. By that I mean we were there with purpose: 1) a cousin's birthday, 2) another cousin's engagement party, 3) visit gran. Did I mention this is 100% not my family? Guys know this one - to ensure boob privileges aren't revoked you must be cleanly shaven, on your best behaviour and not get [too] drunk. For additional points try not to make too many jokes because "not everyone gets your humour".

Anyway... we landed middle of last Thurs and bussed it straight into our city hotel. The more I travel the more I'm happy to be a cheapskate with accommodation. You end up paying for a lot of stuff you don't use otherwise so basically anything that's a rung above a backpackers is okay. That usually means well-located and perhaps a tad noisy. Okay for me, not so good for a pregnant GF who is struggling to get any meaningful sleep lately. We spent the next 24 hours walking around the city, eating, shopping, and eventually landed at the markets. There was a few conversations about this with various people - that when you're away everything has a tendency to seem so amazing compared to home. There's awesome food everywhere, public transport is just so damn efficient and don't get me started on how good [the GF thought] the shopping was. BUT... at home we basically just stick to the same few restaurants we like, never catch a bus or train because we have cars and don't rampantly pump cash into the nearest factory outlet. Its stuff you only really do on vacation.

I think my point is, and careful this doesn't blow your mind too much, the grass isn't always greener. That said, it might actually be... what with the extra sunlight and all. One of the best things about over there is daylight saving. We had a trial a few years back and it was voted out because people got upset their curtains were fading. It was fucking fantastic still having light well past 7pm rather than wasted when you're still asleep.

The cousins who I love came into the city on Saturday. We did lunch, shopped and eventually jumped on a train for a 2 hour trip east. I probably couldn't find it on a map so doesn't matter where. The bigger story here is the change in climate. We went from the daily low temps at home in the high teens to that being the maximum there. Bearable, not preferable. The next few days were relatively low key. Visited some extended fam, watched movies, quad biked for the first time ever and enjoyed a thoroughly eye-opening visit to a local flea market. Haven't ever seen people quite like them and they obviously don't often see people like me. Remember in Idiocracy how everyone says the main guy speaks like a fag except its all them who speak like retards? Same shit.

Speaking of which... that's where 1 of the trips biggest highlights was witnessed. The train ride back to the city on Tuesday had us sat right next to some... I don't even know a nice way to say it... lower class citizens. AKA Collingwood supporters. The woman... who for the first 15 mins I thought was a dude... was taking her 3 or 4 year old boy into the city for cancer treatment. There is no possible way that his cancer could be any more about her; the impact on her. Amongst some of the stories she shared for the whole carriage to hear were about ways to get government housing anywhere and quickly [just tell them you have a sick kid], severe beatings people had received recently for no discernable reason, various low-end crimes and my favourite comment: "How could he [one of her friends] be a pedo? He has a kid!". Not exactly flawless logic. That train ride was a sad insight into a terrible existence they seemed oblivious to and sadly, their everyday lives are most people's tragedy. #middleclassguilt

We had about 24 more hours in the city once arriving back. Didn't get up to too much. I visited the Queen Vic Markets for the third time because I fucking love them, tried a few cafés that looked irresistible and just wound down the clock in a non-rushed fashion. And that was about it. Loved every second and can't wait to go back again although wouldn't mind having more time to explore outside the CBD. The city sprawls in every direction further and more densely than home and I'm always interested how the equivalent me would live in other places. Again, all things I could achieve at home but why on earth would I do that...?

Alright fuckers. Let's do this. I won't bore you guys with just how hard I worked over the last couple of months to make sure I wouldn't miss this update so I could gallivant around the country carefree thereby depriving anyone of some free porn... even though it seems I just did. Check it...

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Amazing - Choppy - Fat n Angry - Sup Fish? - A Pounding - Idiota - Heli-Fail - Still HOT - Fit Tits - Whoa-gasms

Ouchies - Hatha-nips - Holy Crap! - Huge Splooge - Groped - Stoopid Is - Too Drunk - Erotica - Eat Pussy - Hurts!!

Fuck Thing - Sickening - Hawt Teacher - Epic Boobs - How Good!! - POVBJ - Hey Bro! - Dehumanising - Gorgeous

Text from daughter to mum: "Hello mum, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?" Text from mom to daughter: "It's nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out". Daughter back to mum: "Oh my God, mum... sorry, I meant to spell gum.
Two kids are talking and one says to the other "how bigs you dads dick?" "Its bloody huge!" his mate replies "about 9 inches long and as thick as! Why... how big is your dads dick?" "Oh its not very big at all, only 4 or 5 inches... still fucking hurts though!"
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
A hunky redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was going to give birth. He waited. Later, the nurse said to him "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys". The redneck said "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney". The nurse replied "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black".
Two couples meet every Tuesday to have sex. One week they decide to change partners. In the morning the guy asks his partner "Did you have fun?" His partner relies "Yeah, let's see how the girls did!"
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again... back and forth... back and forth... in and out... in and out. Her heart was pounding... her face was flushed... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted "OKAY OKAY!! I CAN'T PARK THE FUCKING CAR! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"


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Part #1 can be found simply by clicking here.

-Kenneth Pinyan died of acute peritonitis after seeking out and receiving anal intercourse from a stallion, an act he had engaged in previously on numerous occasions without injury. Pinyan delayed his visit to the hospital for several hours out of reluctance to explain the circumstances of his injury to doctors.

-British pro wrestler Mal "King Kong" Kirk died underneath the big belly of Shirley "Big Daddy" Crabtree. In 1987, during the final moments of the match, Crabtree delivered his signature "Belly-Splash" move (basically jumping up and down, slamming his belly onto a guy) on Kirk, who then had a heart attack and died.

-Lee Seung Seop, a 28-year-old South Korean, collapsed of fatigue and died after playing the videogame StarCraft online for almost 50 consecutive hours in an Internet cafe.

-In 1991, artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude put up an environmental installation art of thousands of giant yellow and blue umbrellas in California and Japan. The giant umbrellas, which measured about 6 metres in height, 8.7 metres in diameter and weighed over 200 kilograms, became a huge tourist attraction. Less than two months after the installation opened, Lori Rae Keevil-Mathews, drove out to see the umbrellas. A wind gust uprooted one of the umbrellas and blew it straight at her, crushing her against a boulder and killing her.

-Erika Tomanu, a 7 year-old girl, died when she was sucked head first down the intake pipe of a current pool at a water park. The grille that was meant to cover the inlet came off, yet lifeguards at the pool at the time deemed it safe after issuing a verbal warning to swimmers. It took rescuers more than six hours to remove Tomanu by digging through concrete to access the pipe.

-In 1991, a 57-year-old Thai woman Yooket Paen was walking around her farm when she accidentally slipped on some cow poop, grabbed a naked live wire and was electrocuted to death. Soon after the funeral, her 52-year-old-sister Yooket Pan was showing her neighbours how the accident happened when she herself slipped, grabbed the same live wire and was also electrocuted to death.

-Alexander Litvinenko, a former officer of the Russian State security service, and later a Russian dissident and writer, died after being poisoned with polonium-210 causing acute radiation syndrome. He is the first known case of deliberate poisoning in this manner.

-In 1999, Betty Stobbs of Durham, England, took a bale of hay to feed her flock of sheep on the back of her motorcycle. Apparently, the sheep were very hungry. About forty of them rushed the hay and knocked her off a cliff into a 100-feet deep quarry. Stobbs survived the fall only to be killed when the motorcycle, which was also knocked off the cliff, tumbled down after her.

-Jennifer Strange, a 28-year-old from Sacramento, died of water intoxication while trying to win a Nintendo Wii console in a KDND 107.9 "The End" radio station's "Hold Your Wee for a Wii" contest, which involved drinking large quantities of water without urinating.

-Popular American golfer, Payne Stewart, was flying from Florida to Dallas in October 1999 when his Learjet stopped responding to air traffic control shortly after take-off. For four hours the plane flew, on auto pilot, across six states. It was tracked by an American F-16 fighter, which was poised to shoot the plane down should it look like crashing in a populated area. From the F-16, the crew could see that the windows of the Learjet had iced over. A sudden drop in air pressure in the cabin had killed Stewart and the crew. It finally crashed in South Dakota.

-Kevin Whitrick, a 42-year-old British man, committed suicide by hanging himself live on a webcam during an Internet chat session.

-It is believed Arius, presbyter of Alexandria, may have ingested poison before his gruesome death. He was walking across the imperial forum in Constantinople when he suffered sudden diarrhoea followed by haemorrhaging, eventually causing his intestines to be expelled from his anus.

-Gerald Mellin committed suicide by tying one end of a rope around his neck and the other to a tree. He then went into his Aston Martin DB7 and drove down a main road in Swansea until the rope decapitated him. He supposedly did this as an act of revenge against his ex-wife for leaving him.

-Starry-eyed poet Li Bai tried to kiss the reflection of the moon in the water next to his boat when he fell overboard and drowned. It has been said the poet had a penchant for liquor, which may have played a factor in his demise. He even wrote a poem before his death titled "Alone and Drinking Under the Moon".

-David Phyall, the last resident in a block of flats due to be demolished in Bishopstoke, near Southampton, Hampshire, England, cut his own head off with a chainsaw to highlight the injustice of being forced to move out.


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-King Adolf Frederick of Sweden didn't die hungry. The king suffered fatal digestion problems after eating caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, lobster, and 14 servings of his favourite dessert served in a bowl of hot milk.

-James Mason, 73, of Chardon, Ohio, died of heart failure after his wife exercised him to death in a public swimming pool. Christine Newton-John, 41, was seen on video tape pulling Mason around the pool and preventing him from getting out of the water 43 times.

-Be careful what you wish for. American revolutionary James Otis Jr often told his friends that he wanted to be killed by a bolt of lightning when his time arrived. His wish came true when he was standing in the doorway of his friend's house and lightning struck the chimney.

-Nordin Montong, a janitor at the Singapore Zoo, committed suicide by entering an enclosure containing white tigers and provoking them with brooms and a pail. Three of the tigers pounced on him, dragging him by the neck to the back of their enclosure. He was pronounced dead by paramedics at the scene.

-US Congressman Clement Vallandigham was defending a murder suspect in court when he argued that the victim could've accidentally shot himself while drawing his gun. In an attempt to re-enact the scene, he drew the gun, which he believed to be unloaded. It accidentally discharged, killing him. He won the case.

-Jonathan Campos, an American sailor charged with murder, killed himself in his Camp Pendleton, San Diego, California, cell by stuffing toilet paper in his mouth until he asphyxiated.

-They say laughter is the best medicine, but apparently, too much of it can kill you. Alex Mitchell of England learned this the hard way after laughing nonstop for 25 minutes during a comedy show called "The Goodies". He died of heart failure from the lack of oxygen.

-Sergey Tuganov, a 28-year-old Russian, bet two women that he could continuously have sex with them both for twelve hours. Several minutes after winning the bet, he suffered a heart attack and died, apparently because of having ingested an entire bottle of Viagra just after accepting the bet.

-Austrian-American logician Kurt Godel died of starvation while his wife was being hospitalised. He suffered from extreme paranoia and refused to eat unless his wife prepared the food.

-Vladimir Likhonos, a Ukrainian student, died after accidentally dipping a piece of homemade chewing gum into explosives he was using on another project. He mistook the jar of explosive for citric acid, which was also on his desk. The gum exploded, blowing off his jaw and most of the lower part of his face.

-Convicted murderer Michael Anderson Godwin faced the death penalty until his sentence was changed to life imprisonment in 1983. However, while adjusting the earphones plugged into his prison cell's TV six years later, he bit into a wire and died. He had been sitting on a steel-rimmed toilet at the time of his death and died of electrocution.

-Kim Sa-rang, a 3-month-old Korean girl, died from malnutrition after both her parents spent hours each day in an internet cafe raising a virtual child on an online game, Prius Online.

-In an attempt to prove to a group of visitors that the glass of the Toronto-Dominion Centre was "unbreakable", 38-year-old Garry Hoy threw himself against a window. He fell to his death from the 24th floor when the window popped out of the frame.

-Chante Jawan Mallard hit Gregory Biggs, a homeless man, with her car on her way home. He became lodged in the windshield, but suffered no instantly fatal injuries. However, he died of his injuries a few hours later when Mallard left her car in the garage with Biggs still stuck in the windshield.

-Jimi Heselden, owner of the Segway Scooter Company, died when he accidentally drove his Segway off a cliff.

-Sigurd the Mighty, second Viking Earl of Orkney, decapitated his enemy and attached the head to his horse's saddle. The head's teeth grazed against his leg as he rode, causing a fatal infection that cost him his life.


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Maori bloke goes down to the Melbourne wharf looking for work and comes up to the captain of a fishing boat and says "Hey Cap'n got any work for me?" The captain gives him a 28 page job application saying "Fill this out and bring it back to me".

So two days later the Maori brings it back and gives it to the Captain. The captain takes a quick look at it and says "Okay you're hired, now go on board and find something to do".

Just then, this Sudanese guy comes up to the captain and says "Looka work, needa work".

The captain tells him "Okay you're hired". The Maori is standing right there and asks the captain "Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that - why?"

Captain replies "He's got an honest face". The Maori sighs and walks onto the boat, all upset.

A few days later, they're out to sea and the Maori is up in the crow's nest looking for reefs and the Sudanese guy is down mopping the deck. Just then, this huge wave comes along and washes the Sudanese guy overboard.

The Maori gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the and says: "Hey Cap'n, remember that Sudanese guy you hired with the honest face? Well, he just fucked off with your mop!"

and now for a fetish i never really understood...

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A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the wide variety of frequency-of-sex that could still be considered normal.

"Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy - and that's fine. Yet others want to make love nightly - and there's nothing wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of this class. Don't be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many people here make love more than twice a week?"

A few hands shot up. "Twice a week?" A few more hands. "Weekly, on average?" Many hands. "Once every two weeks?" he continued, and "Once a month?" and "Once every several months?" and finally "Once a year?"

At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly.

"Pardon my curiosity" the professor asked "but if you only make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?" Replied the student "Tonight's the night!"

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A policeman pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample". The man produced another letter.

This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays Cricket for South Africa, please don't take the piss out of him".

CURVES make the waist go round...

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All packed for the cruise ship - all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems like a very nice man.

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at the piano bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

Today I saved 2600 lives. Twice.


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A curious fellow died one day, and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly Gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit.

Every so often however, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him so he strolled over, and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness" he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering... why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Oh those..." Satan groaned "they're all from Victoria... they're still too cold and wet to burn".

JAYME AND MARLIE give US something we didn't know was missing...

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The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775 " he said. "Very good!"

"Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863". "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".

The teacher snapped at the class "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do".

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs". "WHO SAID THAT? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up "General MacArthur, 1945".

At that point, a student in the back said "I'm gonna puke". The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".

Now furious, another student yells "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said "Oh shit, we're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly "The Labour party if Scotland goes independent".


Well my work here is done. Suggest reading on for some easy answers to hard questions though...

-Check out the site archives. So big that searchers have begun looking there for signs of flight MH370.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Because I probably have nothing better to do. Probably.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray won't give you the time of day.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try and see it from my point of view. You'll be happier because I'm always right. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.03.20-04.02am! omg

Welcome to Orsm.net. Inner monologue.

What an interesting week. Feels a little bit like good old Perth [where I live] is centre of the universe. The reality of course is far from that however we do seem to keep popping up. The first of which was the F1 and even though the Sunday's race was on the complete opposite side of the country, West Aussies suddenly can't get enough thanks to local boy Daniel Ricciardo debuting for Red Bull Racing. It's almost as bad as when Cate Whatsherface won an Oscar a few weeks back. Her name was quickly prefixed with 'Our' and Blanchett became silent. Give me a fucking break. Aussies have this annoying habit of stamping shit as 'ours' the moment it becomes famous or newsworthy so despite being known for a while now, Our Daniel became a household name overnight.

Next was the suicide of Mick Jagger's partner L'wren Scott. The Stones had just arrived here for a long awaited and much anticipated concert. As the city woke up to news of the suicide, people just couldn't wrap their heads around the fact the concert was about to be cancelled. "The show must go on" they proclaimed. Way to put your needs ahead of everyone else's. And yeah I was guy who blogged something about Fleetwood Mac being selfish after they cancelled their Australian tour but you don't understand - I really, REALLY like them...

Our next claim to fame is the missing MH370 flight because the search has now shifted down our way; as in it may be off our coast somewhere. Like oh I don't know... just about everyone... I'm fascinated by all this. No one thinks it's cool that 239 people might be dead and those that have survived them must be feeling pretty tortured, especially the longer it all drags on. That said, the theories which continue to emerge grow increasingly intriguing. Every time I hear one and am convinced that's what happened, a better and more plausible theory comes out... or is debunked. One thing I've learned is how many hijackings [and attempted] there've been. Did I just miss them as they happened or were my reliable evening news sources always too busy with more important stories like shark sightings and fuel prices...?

Moving on. I had a whole thing written about the March in March protests but those fuckwits made me feel dumb just speaking about them; suffice to say surely we can find better uses for our time than protesting things we propose no solutions to? Was also going to give my two cents on the impending demise of Fred Phelps but he is human garbage and the world will be a better place once he's departed from it. All that leaves is me... I'm a bit of a fuckwit too and unfortunately for you guys there's a few paragraphs of subpar writing to go so either scroll down a wee bit or continue on...

My entire Friday and Saturday were taken up, predicably, working at, on, inside and around the houses. In what would have been an annoying fuck up, no one had noticed that there was nowhere to plug in a landline telephone. That doesn't worry me too much - we've been renting for a year and the only thing I've missed are constant phone calls from Indian telemarketers. No great loss and have proven you can easily survive with just a mobile phone... but that doesn't mean you might not one day need a landline. Next up was some bricklaying - those guys are one of the least respected trades, possibly because you don't need to be smart to carry bricks and mix cement however there is an art to it and it aint that easy making the bricks line up perfectly. All that remained then was knocking holes in walls with hammers, chisels and eventually a jackhammer. This was another oversight in that the guy who originally drew the house plans never got around to adding various details which has had knock on effects for every aspect of the build and of course what's kept me so busy the past few months.

Woke up far too early Sunday. Decided to quietly sneak out of bed and head down to cook up a giant thing of soup. This might be the millionth time I've mentioned it but after getting severe case of the shits whilst travelling last year, it was a major health wakeup call and the daily intake of a vege soup was a big part of that. Lately I've reduced the carbs and perfected the recipe now I can't eat it fast enough. Lunch and dinner every day just about. The result has me feeling outstanding, sleeping great, energy that never runs out and am producing what I would imagine is one of the healthiest stools in the Southern Hemisphere. Think this is a longwinded way of explaining that a 2-hour soup cook up is an important part of any weekend.

While this was going on I found myself enjoying the F1 coverage. And no I'm not one of the bandwagon jumpers mentioned above - usually follow the results each round and watch when I can [which admittedly is rare]. We headed out early afternoon to visit my gran, fixed her TV and watch the race there before coming home again to work the rest of the day. And that is my way of saying it was a very low-key, spectacularly unremarkable weekend.

Alright Fokker's lets do this. You're about to embark on a journey of discovery, enlightenment and pornography. I don't need to oversell it any more than that so without further ado... check it...

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Off Chops - Disrespectful - $1 Beer - EJECT!! - Necro Sexo - Super Tits - Duke Slut - GF's Fighting - Aussie Godess

De-Virginised - Closest Calls - Cam Diaz Tits - Would Hurt - Sweet Asian - Rejected! - Cream? - ScarJo Nude - Sexy Nerd

Public Abuse - Nips Slip - Up d'Bum - Piercing - Punished - Whoa Creepy - No Sniffing - Whacked - Poor Girl - Hell No!

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing" the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago".
What do you call a sixteen year old Collingwood supporter with a dick in her mouth, a dick in her arse, a dick in her cunt and a dick in each hand? Best to call her later - she's busy.
A British Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Brighton. "The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?" One of the Muslims stands up and shouts "We are invading England!" The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing. When the captain finally stops laughing, he gets on the loud hailer and says "Just the four of you?" The Muslim stands up again and shouts "We're the last four. The rest are already there!"
I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I got up and did the twist. They played the jump. I jumped. They played "Come on Eileen". I was asked to leave.


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'Lexophile' is a word used to describe those who have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish" or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless". A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year. Here's ome of the better ones...

-I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
-She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
-The batteries were given out free of charge.
-In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
-A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
-The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-A will is a dead giveaway.
-Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
-A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
-A boiled egg is hard to beat.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-Police were called to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
-Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
-A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
-A backward poet writes inverse.
-Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
-If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
-A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
-Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.
-Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
-You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-I'm very pessimistic. I'm like a German vegetarian in that respect. I fear the wurst.
-He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
-I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
-A calendar's days are numbered.
-A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
-He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
-When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
-Rabbit hutch sellers; they'll give you a run for your money.
-A plateau is a high form of flattery.
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
-When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said "No change yet".
-If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
-When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
-Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
-The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
-A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
-Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
-conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other "You stay here, I'll go on a head".
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


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While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven" says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you". "No problem, just let me in!" says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity". "Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven" says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules".

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him "Now it's time to visit heaven"...

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity".

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell".

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand" stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted".


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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you! I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not".

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'!" "Yeah?" she replies "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'!"

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says "And you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says "What took you so long to answer to the phone?" She says "I was in bed". "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back "Any time you're ready, Father of Four".

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper 'Please wake me at 5am'. He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said 'It is 5:00am. Wake up'.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

A married couple goes to a marriage counsellor to work out some problems. The counsellor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common". The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick..."

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship" the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening".

Newlyweds are into their second week of marriage when the wife says to the husband... "I want to set the rules down about sex. When my hair is nice and perfect - I definitely don't want to have sex! If my hair is a little messed up and not that perfect - maybe I do, maybe I don't want to have sex. But when my hair is messed up... I definitely want to have sex".

Husband says... "Okay but I have my rules about sex also... every night when I come home from work I will have one can of beer. When I have one can of beer I definitely don't want to have sex. When I have a couple of beers - maybe I do, maybe I don't want to have sex. When I have a six pack or a case of beer - I don't give a fuck about your hair!

At All Saints Lutheran Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

"Well" Ole replied to the assembled husbands "I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all I took her to Norway for the 20th anniversary!" The Pastor responded "Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary". Ole proudly replied: "I'm a-gonna go get her!"

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?" "Well" he replied "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions". "Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?""Oh yes" he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class. Teacher: "What kind of wife would you like Johnny?" Johnny: "I would want a wife like the moon". Teacher: "Wow!! What a choice... do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?" Johnny: "No, I want her to arrive at night and fuck off in the morning!"


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-Pasta had not been invented.
-Curry was a surname.
-Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet
-Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming.
-Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.
-A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
-A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
-Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
-The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,
-All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
-Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and brown sauce if we were lucky.
-Soft drinks were called pop.
-Coke was something that we put on the fire.
-A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
-Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
-A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
-A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.
-A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.
-Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
-Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
-Bread and jam was a treat.
-Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
-Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
-Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
-Figs and dates appeared every Christmas, but no one ever ate them.
-Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.
-Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.
-Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist.
-Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.
-The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.
-Only Heinz made beans.
-Leftovers went in the dog.
-Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.
-Fish was only eaten on Fridays.
-Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
-Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
-Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.
-For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of old newspapers.
-Frozen food was called ice cream.
-Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.
-Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.
-None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
-Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.
-If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.
-Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
-People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
-Indian restaurants were only found in India.
-Brunch was not a meal.
-If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would have been certified.
-A bun was a small cake back then.
-The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.
-Eating outside was a picnic not alfresco.
-Cooking outside was called camping.
-Seaweed was not a recognised food.
-Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday.
-"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
-Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.
-Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never catch on.
-The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.
-The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.
-The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.
-Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
-Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.
-Prunes were medicinal.
-Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called cattle feed.
-Turkeys were definitely seasonal.
-Pineapples came in chunks in a tin. We had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
-We never heard of Croissants we certainly couldn't pronounce it.
-We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.
-Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never to flavour food.
-Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling and charging more for it than petrol they would have become a laughing stock.
-Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.
-Campylobacter, Salmonella, E coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all called "food poisoning".

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Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe". Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop". Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed, still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand "Air New Zealand".

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ. "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways".


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The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director" she answered. "Interesting" the newsman thought...

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go".


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The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, Sally "I have some really great news!" I said "Great. Tell me why you're so happy".

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said "There's more". I asked "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins". Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to the chemist and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

RILEY has more than a few tricks UP HER... VAGINA.

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.

The woman says "So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but were unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault... women shouldn't be allowed to drive!"

The woman continues "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune".

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.

The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are vindictive, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.


Aaaaand we're done. For more Orsm than you ever thought possible its advisable you read on... so read on...

-Check out the site archives. I guarantee satisfaction or your money back.
-Next update will be next Thursday prolly.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray won't give you the droids you're looking for.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please consider behaving less like you normally do [we're a bit over it]. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.03.20-18.55

Welcome to Orsm.net. 4 8 15 16 23 42

Running well behind today. I'd been managing to sneak under the radar lately after a concerted effort to avoid distractions and requests [read: demands] that pinch a minute here, and hour there. Those minutes add up and suddenly there's a Thursday afternoon "this update is never going to happen" panic... even though they always do. Today's problem has more to do with what's coming up in the next couple of weeks, an inability to read a calendar and realisation if I don't get my shit together now, there'll be a few long faces and maybe even some hurtful emails coming at me when it hits next Thursday and there's no update. Again, hasn't happened for aaaaaages; something we can all thank a mild case of OCD for. That said I am planning on skipping at least one in July so be warned and please familiarise yourself with crisis care contact numbers in your area.

I have to admit to being completely enthralled by the story of the missing MH370 flight. For once, something that cannot possibly be over reported because every theory or titbit of information opens up a world of possible outcomes. A plane carrying 239 souls has vanished and we're all desperate to know why. Unfortunately though the longer it drags on and the more out there the theories become, the more people want to believe some sort of conspiracy is at play. Luckily for you guys I might have the answers...

My feeling is an ATC operator deliberately caused a collision after the devastating drug death of his daughter; OR a terrorist group on a mission to free an imprisoned General crashed the plane after readjusting the ground level in order to send a message that they are in charge; OR the plane crash-landed on an impossible to find island. Everyone is still alive and but being hunted by a mysterious smoke monster; OR a passenger ignored instructions to switch off his mobile phone and the plane crossed into a alternate dimension. Most likely however is the cabin for some reason depressurised and that the crew and passengers were dead from hypoxia long before it hit the ground or water. Maybe we'll never know but you can be assured that the makers of Air Crash Investigation are ecstatic to have some new material...

Moving on. Efforts on the house build continue... and that's despite steering well clear when I don't have to be there. Life is just easier that way. Cabling is now 100% finished... well was 100% finished. Realised today that there may not actually be anywhere to plug in a telephone. Slight oversight and potentially a critical error which I'll be back onsite tomorrow rectifying.

It was fairly hot last Friday. Not ideal to be on the hammer and chisel ever so gently smashing holes for ventilation in the internal and external walls. If nothing else, its awesome for building muscle. Wound up activities early afternoon and headed south to Fremantle to a building salvage yard. I want to make some built in shelves and found a place online that had craploads of reclaimed timber. Got some good ideas and stumbled across a gem - a very old, rusted and worn h-beam. Likely came out of a factory or large building where its been for over a century and would be a killer addition to the house. Sadly no amount of begging and pleading can get them to part with it.

Saturday went where no Saturday has ever gone - frolicking in other peoples piss. All the current pregnancy advice says swimming is an ideal way to stay fit without incurring all the ouchies a pregnant GF may or may not constantly complain about. The ocean isn't an option "because of the waves" which leaves public pools and at very least there would be eye candy so I happily went along. And what did I learn? Firstly, why didn't I know about outdoor heated pools until now? Awesome. Secondly, chucking laps is hard work and its much easier to walk the lanes.

Next stop was a builder meeting to finish off some floor cover selections. Relatively painless and something I'll be glad to never think about again. Shit kept rolling from there - home to get changed, a steel supplier, three different stores to find a dummy security camera to help deter cunts raiding the building site for 'free' stuff, then the hardware store and finally to the house for a few hours to do some cleaning. Its funny - the more I do, the more I find to do. This might never actually end.

Pulled myself out of bed bright and early Sunday to give the car a long overdue wash. It was becoming full of sand and covered in dust. Note: pride and joys do not make good cars for lugging tools around. 3 hours later and I had to wind things up, not quite finished but much improved. Next up was a first birthday party for a friends' brat. Screaming kids and an abundance of deliciously unhealthy treats are standard for these things so was happy to get out of there; albeit 4 hours later. The rest of the weekend was relaxing - a few episodes of Breaking Bad, a couple of hours in front of the PC and all was well in the world.

Okay bro's that should have everyone up to date with me. Riveting right? RIGHT? If not, don't despair because you're about to get a brand new update that should keep you entertained, amused and wanting more. Check it...

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Hilarious - Mean Tweets - Robo-Drummer - Innuendo - Naked DJ - Rock Bottom - SUCK SHIT - Incest - Please Stop!

Great Shag - Messed Up - Braless - No Seatbelts - Death Grip - Bad Porn - NO Chance - Hawt Nerd - Figure Hug

Fantasy - Nude Protest - Kamicowze - Finish Him! - Nooooo - Jap MILF - Analfail - Gagging - Rednecks - Timing

A man received an e-mail from his neighbour: "Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you're not at home. In fact, probably more than you. I'm confessing now because I feel really guilty. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. I will ask your permission in the future. Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and without uttering a word he shoots his wife. A few minutes later he received another e-mail: "Sorry Jim: I meant 'wifi' not 'wife'". *damn spellcheck!
A Catholic boy in confession says "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister". "That's a disgrace..." said the priest "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers".
A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks. "One of the benefits of this profession" he explained "is that we have built-in weather predictions". "What do you mean by that?" asked one inquisitive visitor. "When the cows are standing" the farmer explained "it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they're lying down, it means it's going to rain". "On our bus trip" another visitor piped in "I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does this mean?" The farmer flashed a smile and answered "That means half of them are wrong".
Among the English language's many puzzling words is "economy" which means the large size in toothpaste and the small size in cars.


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-My boyfriend was a serious mama's boy who insisted on having dinner with his mum at least twice a week. During one of those dinners, his mum looked at me, took my hand and said "We have to talk". I got really nervous and tried to catch my boyfriend's eye, but he was just intently staring at his lap. She gently told me things weren't working out between me and my boyfriend, and that she thought it was best for me to leave. I tried to convince my boyfriend to talk privately in the other room, but he wouldn't respond.

-My new boyfriend and I were both interning in NYC and we spent blissful sweaty days at pool parties, blowing all of our student loan money on beer. Everything was going great, until one day at a free park concert, he said the one sentence that every girl dreads hearing… "I found some bumps on my penis". He implied that I gave him herpes, and suggested that we take a break. I spent the next few weeks crying and taking morose walks around the city while listening to "New York, I Love You" on repeat. He called a few weeks later to say that he went to the free clinic and the doctor told him that it was just ingrown hairs. The relationship never recovered.

-When I was in college, I'd dated someone for almost two years, but he'd never met my family. It had been so long that my family members were almost wondering if I'd made him up. Finally, our third Christmas together, he was to come home with me and meet everyone - until he confessed he'd been having a long and ongoing affair, the night before our plane left. We broke up, and I had to go home alone, heartbroken, and looking half like a crazy person who'd made up a boyfriend.

-I'm the asshole in this story. I'd been living with my boyfriend in Taiwan for about a year, but had gotten into a bunch of grad schools in the US. As a token of love, I'd applied to uni in Taiwan - with no real desire to go. But somehow, I couldn't tell my boyfriend that. Weirdly, because I loved him too much - and had I been going totally by my heart, I would have blown off Harvard to stay with him. I matriculated, bought a plane ticket, and still didn't tell him. One day while he was at work, I packed my bags, with the intention of seeing him when he got home, then explaining, then leaving. Right when my cab rolled up, he texted to say he was stuck and would be a few hours late. So I just left.

-When my high school boyfriend and I went to college, he decided to attend a different school. As our first semester progressed, my November birthday came. I had not heard from him in a few days, so I called, thinking he would want to wish me happy birthday. Instead, my best friend from high school answered (they went to the same college) and said "I guess you should know we've been hooking up for months. Oh and happy birthday".

-After dating for three months, my boyfriend pulled a serious disappearing act. Out of the blue he stopped returning any of my calls, e-mails or texts. It was like he never existed. He even deleted his Facebook. I ended up seeing him two months later at a bar, and he was so embarrassed to see me that he quickly left.

-My boyfriend and I were on the rocks, but months before, his parents had bought us tickets to fly out to Montana for a family wedding the next day. He didn't think I should go, but the ticket was non-refundable. He drove us to the airport the next day and didn't mention he'd had my ticket cancelled... until the check-in clerk told me. The guy said "Well, I'll miss my flight if I don't go now, and I'd offer you my car, but I know you can't drive a stick, so... maybe you can call a cab? Bye!" So there I was, stranded 75 miles from home. He never even called to see if I made it home. You can be sure I've learned to drive a stick shift since then.

-In my mid-20s I had been dating a girl seriously for almost a year. We were watching a movie at my house one night, and she was acting really weird, kind of distant and standoffish, which was very unlike her normal behaviour. As it started to get late she told me she had to go back to her apartment, which was also unusual since she typically stayed at my place several nights a week, and certainly if we were hanging out late at night. But I told her goodbye, and didn't think that much of it. The next morning I went to feed my dog, who pretty much lived in the backyard during the nice times of the year, but he was nowhere to be found. I knew he wiggled under the fence sometimes, and although I had made efforts to patch up/chicken wire the weak spots he would still sometimes find a way to get out. So I went to the front door, figuring he might be out in the neighbourhood somewhere. As I opened the front door, I was greeted by the site of my dead dog on the porch, with a note from my girlfriend saying she was breaking up with me and sorry about the dog. Apparently in her haste to get away from me the night before she had accidentally run over poor Jonny Johnson, who had been lying behind her car in the driveway.

-I came home after a long day of work to find a MySpace message left open on my computer. My boyfriend had been writing to his ex and explaining to her that he was currently living with his 'lame-ass girlfriend.' I had been nice enough to let him move in with me after his sister had thrown him out a few days prior. Needless to say, I'm no longer the 'lame-ass girlfriend.' I made a point of helping him with his things... right over my third-storey balcony.

-My guy was away on a business trip for about a month, and we had been video chatting to stay in touch. One night I had my girlfriends over, and after a couple bottles of wine, we decided to Skype him. Our call connected, and I was about to tell him to say hi to my friends when he goes "I'm sorry to do this over Skype, but I don't want to put it off any longer. I think we should just be friends". I was in total shock, and my friends just sat there with their mouths hanging open.

-My worst breakup would be the one where we didn't actually break up. He just stopped calling or answering my calls. When I went to his house to make sure he was all right and possibly break it off, the new residents informed me he no longer lived there. They had just moved in. I never found out where he went.


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-I was going to college that fall, and had moved away to work closer to the college that summer. My high school boyfriend came to visit me, and when I broke up with him, he broke my fingers trying to get a ring he had given me off my finger. Then, as he roared away in his car, he swerved to try and hit me.

-My boyfriend and I dated four years, two of which were long-distance between New York and New Orleans. Despite my great pains to get him to move here, he never could pull the trigger, so we broke up. Then, eight months later, he called me to announce he was moving to New York to get a job at my best friend's company. When we finally met up for lunch after two weeks of radio silence, he told me he just wanted to be friends.

-I was about 19 and working at an art supply store. My co-worker set me up with her brother. He was pretty cool, same tastes as me and very easy on the eyes. Three months go by and he breaks up with me over the phone on Thanksgiving. I was still hanging out with my co-worker and gave her a call. I was pretty upset. I of course asked her "Did I do something? Is there another girl". She mumbled something about "I don't know... I think he might be gay". Well, okay, fine. I decided to move on and get over it. I eventually left the art store as well. So flash forward to summer. My friend and I were out for lunch. We saw my ex and the sister. Sitting next to each other in a booth. Hugging... then... French kissing. Did I mention they were blood? Yes. They were/are.

-I dated a guy for about three months. He wanted to meet my parents. While we were there, he asked to use the bathroom. He was gone quite a while and I discovered him in my parents' walk-in closet, actually trying on some of my father's clothes! We broke up on the spot.

-My ex-boyfriend broke up with me thirteen days after I moved in with him, when we'd been dating for three years. It was right before Thanksgiving when he told me he'd already started dating his twenty-one-year-old co-worker. I moved out soon after, and took with me all of my stuff. I guess he'd been hoping to use it for Thanksgiving dinner - he was inviting his family over because as I left, he shouted "Thanks for ruining Thanksgiving!"

-Back in high school, I was trying to be nice by breaking up with a guy I was seeing for a short time in person. I was going to get back together with my long-time boyfriend. I made a lot of mistakes that night, including believing him when he said his uncle was home. When I told him I did not want to see him anymore, he literally kept me there by sitting on top of me, and would not let me leave until I did something sexual to him.

-A few years ago, my then-boyfriend was cheating on me. I'd seen some of the giveaway emails, and knew exactly where the girl lived, so when he left for "work", I made my way over to her apartment building to find his car in her parking lot. I then let all the air out of his tires and attached a little note onto his car that said, "I hope Ashley's paying you for overtime". After that, I packed up his stuff and threw it out of the house.

-My boyfriend and I worked at the same very small company. It wasn't technically against policy for us to be dating, but we didn't exactly publicise the fact. We'd been on the rocks, so I was pretty sure things were coming to an end, but I definitely didn't think it would happen the way it did. The day after a pretty nasty fight, I came into work to find an e-mail to the entire office announcing his resignation and the end of our relationship.

-After dating this guy for a while, he sent me an e-mail saying "I need to talk to you about something" and he asked if I could meet him right away. I told him I was at work, and he said, "Okay, I'll be right there". I had a good idea what he was about to do, so when he texted me from outside my building and asked if he could come up, I was shocked! Dump me at my cubicle in front of my co-workers?! Instead, I met him outside. Five minutes later, I was back to work at my desk and haven't spoken to him since.

-There was a guy who kept breaking up with me and coming back into my life. I found out he would bounce back and forth between me and another woman. During one of these break-ups, I met a wonderful guy and we started dating. He was stable and devoted, and I guess I wasn't ready for that. When the first guy's friend practically begged me to give him another chance, I relented and broke up with the new guy. I could tell I thoroughly broke his heart, and I will never forget that. I left a guy who treated me like gold just to be dumped a couple more times before finally giving up on the first guy. Looking back now, I see that I felt I didn't deserve to be happy so I kept making bad choices.

-I'd been dating the same woman for almost three years, but it hadn't been working for almost nine months. I loved her, and I've never been good at pulling the trigger on stuff like this. As a result, I spent a lot of time talking it over with a friend and co-worker. After one such pondering session, smoking outside work, I went back to my desk, and feeling resolved, shot an email to him saying "John, I decided. I'm going to break up with her this weekend". Only I didn't send it to him, I sent it to her - whether through an honest mix-up or misdirected subconscious impulse, I'll never know but I do know she was pretty pissed.

-My ex had his penis pierced and loved to show it off to anyone that would look. After he wronged me, I figured that since he liked showing off his junk so much, I'd help him out a bit... by cutting the crotch out of every single pair of his pants!.

-I went abroad for the semester, and my boyfriend and I agreed to stay together. It was much harder than we'd imagined, but I thought we were making it through. The second I got back home I drove straight to his house... only to have his roommate answer the door and simply hand me a box of my stuff. Apparently my super considerate boyfriend thought that was an okay way to break up.


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Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


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An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equaliser.

The professor then said "Okay, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan". All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A... (substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.

The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter A".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence.

"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence. A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"...


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Small hick town in the USA, woman goes into the tattoo parlour and asks if he does custom work. "Sure do ma am, you name it I do it" he says. "Well, I want a tattoo of Paul Newman inside my left thigh and Steve McQueen inside my right thigh". "No problem at all Lady, you just strip from the waist down and hop up on that there table".

Four hours later the tattoo artist declares he's finished. The woman sits up looks down and shouts "I don't think that looks like them at all!" The tattooist says "Of course it looks like them, you wait and see!"

He goes to the door opens it, looks up and down the street and calls out to someone. The fella who happens to be the town drunk shuffles in. "Now, looky here fella, do you recognise these faces?" the tattooist says.

The woman opens her legs and the drunk peers in. "Well, I don't know the ones on the left and right but the fella in the middle sure does look like Willie Nelson"...


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When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the theatre, he walked over and whispered "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat".

The man moaned but didn't budge.

"Sir, if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager" said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was.

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.

The cop looked at the reclining man and said "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe" he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" "The balcony".


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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.


I'll get stright tot the points...

-Check out the site archives. It's why they exist. Think about it.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Probably. If not, it wont.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will mess with the plane you're on.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems aaaaand... that's it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2014.03.06-19.23

Welcome to Orsm.net. So you're telling me there's a chance...

The start to this year was nothing short of disastrous. Thankfully, and I don't dare mean to challenge the higher powers to prove me wrong, shit seems to be returning to some level of normality. I've caught up on just about everything, my paperwork is up to date and filed away, bills paid, almost all required house selection info is ready to go, I've even got around to changing my car insurer. The only thing which remains neglected is my email inbox and its been that way since December which could explain why there hasn't been Reader Mail this year. I definitely owe some of you guys responses and you will get them... eventually.

Trying to start a sentence talking about my week that doesn't begin with "Its been a busy week" is not an easy thing to do... and there you have it. Let's get cracking with Friday...

The continuation of the house cabling efforts started early Friday morning. By this point I'm mostly done - its generally just neatening up and making sure everything is properly arranged. This is because if my shit is in other tradesmen's way, it will likely get trashed [which has happened]. Building sites are like that. Everyone is there to do their job. No one really gives a fuck about anything else. There is no ownership. And this was proven by the amount of stuff that is currently going missing - everything from timber, pickets, boxes of cable or anything not nailed down. Ive been desperate to catch someone and that morning finally did. It was an old pommy guy. He pulled up out the front on his mobility scooter and was loading it up with bricks. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING MATE?" "Oh oh... I didn't think anyone was here". Not sure is that's the best or worst excuse ever; amusing though. He unloaded and quickly drove away muttering something about a fish pond.

My next stop was the bank. I noticed something was up with my account. Remember last year I blogged about that inept fuckwit at the bank who mishandled our mortgage application so badly that it was 4 months after we'd started building before it was actually approved? Well he's struck again and because he didn't do his job properly the bank has been triple dipping. They tried to pass it off as forced savings and that works out well in that they have to repay me and pay interest.

Saturday was warm and a bit sticky and began at a tile shop. We'd agreed to choose everything from the one place so as not to overcomplicate things. If one thing in life is true its that the more choice we have, the harder it is to decide. Great way to go too - had everything done in about an hour. Next was home, a change of clothes and back to site. Am happy to pat myself on the back about now because after I don't know how many days, the cabling on both houses is [almost] completely done. All that remains is waiting until painting is finished and I can install wall points, a rack cabinet, wire up patch panels, drop in network switch and connect to the internet. That's months away though. Has been fucking hard work and if it all works tickety-boo, hunky-dory, I'll be escstatic [and a bit surprised].

That night was time for a long overdue boys night and because, as mentioned, its been a busy few months without seeing hardly anyone, I invited everyone. Ended up with friends from 3 different circles at the pub, then dinner and finally onto the casino. Seemed to go well despite expecting otherwise too. Highlight of the evening was the convo with Miss "I'll be 21 in July" who looked more like "15 next December". She tried proving it to me with her prisoner ID card which she had as a result of "too many burgs (burglaries)" although I was far too drunk by then to read it.

For the first time that night ever I was the last stop for the cab on the way home which means, also for the first time ever, I actually made money. Turns out when everyone is drunk they just throw whatever is in their wallet at whoever remains. So... left the casino with $20 in my wallet, made 3 stops before me, paid the driver and had $50 in my wallet the next day. Awesome.

I woke up in a strange bed the next morning. Unfortunately, Miss "21 in July" was nowhere to be seen and I'd actually had the sense to collapse into the spare bed and thereby prevent pregnant GF/ogre from suffering through my snoring and farting. Incidentally that is exactly what woke me up - the most amount of gas any human being has ever had. It was ridiculous and amazing. Honestly thought I'd shat the bed and was too scared to go back to sleep... which was a shame with the massive headache kicking in. Nothing a shower, couple of bottles of Gatorade and 10 aspirin couldn't fix at least. Just in time too because it was swap meet [flea market] time. I drive past this thing every Sunday and, though I've been before, say "Really gotta go there one weekend". Fascinating really. Lots of Asians, lots of Muslims, lots of Asian Muslims, lots of hot girls selling their slutty clothes and shoes. Barely anything that interests me which is completely okay... I'm really just there for the perv. That was until I got to the very last stall. An old guy was selling an air compressor and it just so happens I've wanted one for ever. Have always resisted the urge because I don't need one. So I ask him how much, he says $35, I say $30. Done. The best was yet to come... as we walked away some guy stopped me asking where it had come from, that he was there specifically to buy one. Next thing you know he stars throwing bids at me and as much as it was tempting, I resisted turning 30 into 50. It was far more enjoyable knowing someone wanted what I had. This is how girls must feel about their boobs.

Alright fucker. Better stop there. I reckon there's a good 3-4 more paragraphs gagging to come out however on account of you have scrolled on down and the fact I want to get out of here sooner than later, I'll just cut it short. And look at that - half way through another paragraph already! Just quickly - I know some of you guys are having issues with videos and what's causing it has us fucking bamboozled. If you do have issues then would be great if you could drop me an email with the EXACT problem, what videos it happened on and what web browser and operating system you're using. Credit card details and PayPal login details would also be handy also. Okay let's do dis. Check it...

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Nice Ass!! - Soap Box - Think About It - All Andre - Actual HP - 100% Epic - Pool Tits - Dita Von Nude - Such A Cunt

Cock Queen - Still Funny? - So Casual - Torn Up - Douchebag - Destroy'er - Facesitter - Shocking - Hawt Ging - Upskirt

Gag On It - Quickie - Biker Gang - Swallow It - Milky Ass - BRB Mate - Chub Bang - Sickening - I See Thru - Depraved

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage. "Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked. Yeah," he replied "But be fair though, you were only eleven at the time..."
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue". With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!" The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
I'm doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don't worry if you can't come.
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".


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This sort of ties in with the Work Pooping list I posted a while back. I just think its good that we can finally put a name to some of the activities that go one down there...

THE GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

THE WET SHIT: You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skidmarks.

THE SECOND WAVE SHIT: This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT: Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CORN SHIT: No explanation necessary.

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT: The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

THE WET CHEEKS SHIT: Also known as the "Power Dump". The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

THE LIQUID SHIT: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT: A class all its own.

THE CROWD PLEASER: A shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE MOOD ENHANCER: Occurring after a lengthy period of constipation, this shit allows you to be your old self again.

THE RITUAL: This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT: A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT: This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT: Any shit created in the presence of another person.

THE GROANER: A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE FLOATER: Characterised by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes.

THE RANGER: A shit that refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper.

THE PHANTOM SHIT: Appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT: Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

THE BOMBSHELL: A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either Inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

THE SNAKE CHARMER: A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position... Usually harmless.

THE OLYMPIC SHIT: Occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT: This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT: An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't shit.

PREMEDITATED SHIT: Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

SHITZOPHRENIA: Fear of shitting. Can be fatal!

ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT: Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT: The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT: This shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor.

THE SPINAL TAP SHIT: The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT: Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIDGE SHIT: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT: When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT: Also sometimes known as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT: You sit there patiently, waiting for the last cling-on to fall because if you wipe now, it's just going to smear all over the place.


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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains "I've been a little sick to my stomach". The older doctor says "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick". The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house".

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said "I'm feeling terribly run down lately". "You've probably been doing too much for the Church" the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps".

As they left, the elder doctor said "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.


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Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey". "What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls". "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu "Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"


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Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice "Sack my cook".

And, that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

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Ellen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

Bob thought for a moment and replied "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish".


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An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy".

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home". "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband. "He said the reflector is broken" replied the Amish lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband. The wife replied "I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake".


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A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: FREE SEX WITH EVERY FILL-UP

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said "You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time".

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said "Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all". Paddy replied "No its genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week".


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I know everything about you and you are my target.

I have never met you and don't know your name and up until today I didn't know where you live.

You passed me on the road and suddenly I knew everything about you.

You are a single mother with teenage daughter, no men in the house.

You are relatively well off and like playing tennis.

You don't have any big dogs, just one small dog that is no threat to me.

Judging by the car you drive you will have flat screen TV's and because you have a teenage daughter there will be things like computers, tablets and smart phones in your house.

I decided to follow you home because you have shown me that you are a soft target.

When I invade your home with my gang I know there will be very little resistance, no men and no big dogs but plenty of expensive stuff for us to take.

How did I know all this information about you without having ever met you, spoken to you or seen your house?

By the little pictures of your family set up that you put on the back window of your car.

These pictures have made my job so much easier because they tell me nearly everything I need to know without having to drive around the neighbourhood spying on houses and sitting watching and gathering all this information.

It used to take me days of surveillance to get this information.

Thank you very much; I will be visiting you one of the evenings whilst you are watching TV.

I'm not a violent person but I can't say the same for my gang members.

Fortunately I'm not a violent criminal but because of my job I have to think like one and driving around checking out the little pictures on the back window of cars made me realise just how much information they give out about you, your family and to a large extent your wealth.

Pictures of a family with golf clubs, children with computers, wives with tennis rackets and pictures of what type of dogs your family have all tell a story about you and whether it's worth making you and your family a target.


Let me be the first and only to say that I'm fucking CHUFFED TO BITS that this update got finished on time. I'm down to 4 day work weeks now... admittedly they are 8am to 12am workdays and then the next 3 days are usually spent doing something on the stoopid house build. My point is that the only stupid person here is me. All you are probably worried about is when and where you can get more Orsm and if you read on that will be answered...

-Check out the site archives. There is every update going back to long, long before Facebook existed.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Der, Fred.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will call out "FAT!" to you as he drives past in his Torana.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ???. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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