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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
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March 2019...
orsmupdate 2019.03.07-21.12
Boobies

Welcome to testing very high on the strokability scale. Schwing.

Getting tired of this Michael Jackson stuff. I'm a fan from way back and always will be. I've blogged about him before; probably when he died. My opinion is he wasn't a molester; he had a fucked-up family, fucked-up childhood and fucked-up life. Ultimately lacked social skills, was lonely and lived in a bubble which meant he didn't know the boundaries all the rest of us do when it came to being close with people. Visiting Neverland would've been like when you go to a foreign country and are shocked by some behavior which is very normal to them but completely insane to you.

I won't be watching Leaving Neverland. By all accounts it'll destroy his legacy for me and, again, I don't think the accusers are to be believed. Have a read of this link on Forbes which lays out some facts which make it pretty bloody hard to trust MJ's main accuser, Wade Robson.

In the light of radio stations now banning his music I really hope these people who have come forward now aren't bullshitting. Terrible thing to deprive the world of his music just for their own financial gain.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd off my soapbox. Dudes, what you're about to scroll into is a truly excellent update. I'm more than happy to sell and oversell it but what would be the point? All those hours of my blood, sweat and tears cobbling it all together and you can't actually get to it because I'm too busy holding you up. Tsk-tsk. Check it…

A heterosexual couple have won a high court case that gives them the right to have a civil partnership. Their next objective in their hopeless quest for equality is to find a gay baker, who will be legally obliged to bake them a cake with 'All queers are cunts' iced on it.
--
Martin had just received his brand-new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive" says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope" comes dad's reply "I'm gonna sit here and kick the fucking back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"
--
Wife: "Will you still love me when I'm fat and ugly?" Me: "You know I do".
--
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" "Throw out an anchor, sir" the student replied. "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir". "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain. "Throw out another anchor, sir". "Hold on" said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir".
--
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Preosllnay I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......
--
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It's just too hot to wear clothes today" complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money".
--
Two guys are sitting in a bar. One looks over at the other and asks how his sex life is going. The second guy looks at him blankly for a moment and replies" Eh, I'm having social security sex". His buddy looked puzzled for a minute then finally asks "What the hell is social security sex?" "Yeah well I get a little every month but its not enough to live on".
--
For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then asks his students if it will dissolve. A student raised his hand to answer. Student: 'No, it most definitely will not dissolve, sir.' Teacher: 'Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?' Student: 'You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20!!'
--
A strange woman looked through my window this morning and saw me watching porn and masturbating furiously. Thankfully after about ten seconds of shocked embarrassing silence the lights turned green.

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Phunny PixPhun.org Funny Pictures Dump #317 That You Absolutely Cannot Miss! - Busty MILFBusty MILF Harlow Harrison Sucks & Fucks Shopkeepers Big Dick - Bad TimingWhen Talking About Entering Your Sisters Room At The Wrong Moment Then It Can't Be Much More Worse Then This, Dude Must Be Serious Traumatised Now. - A Paddlin'That's A Paddlin' - Blatant NipI Don’t Know Why Shanina Shaik Was Invited To Any Oscar Party But I Guess When You’re A Model, You Go Places With Your Nipples Out. - JLo ToeJennifer Lopez Camel Toe In White Workout Gear - HawtnessAlina Looks Like She Would Make A Great Addition To The Baywatch Team With This Red Swimsuit Strip! Fantastic Boobs And Her Pussy Is Neat Too. - Spin 2 WinShe's Like A Garden Sprinkler... Well Her Vagina Is At Least... - Teens RuleInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Venom-gasmThis Must Be What Venom Spanks To

Oscar Worthy!Volume #5 In A Collection Of Videos That Charlie Sheen Would Be Ashamed To Attach His Name To. And Without Even A Single Appearance From A Graduate Of The Woodman School Of Rectology, That's Saying Something. - Cam FuckersCute AF Girl Gets Fucked Hard On Cam - Double BJDouble Blowjob Loop (Help Identify These Babes!) - 3 QuestionsThe 3 Most Important Questions You Can Ask - DumpsInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Hands Up!And That's Why You Always Listen To A Cop With A Gun - GaGa NudeI Tried To Avoid These Academy Award Nominated, Scam Of A Talent, Pancake Looking Tits... Because Lady Gaga Has Been Consistent In One Thing… Being Totally Unattractive And Flawed On All Fucking Fronts. - Bella NipsBella Thorne Braless In See-Through Turtleneck - *squirty*Squirting Busty MILF Receives Her Facial - Butt Srsly?!Phun's Butt Gallery #172 Has Just What You Have Been Looking For!

Jen WhiteCheerleader Jennifer White Facialised By Hung Trio - Damn It !He Really Had To Persuade Her To Give Him A Blowjob And When She Finally Decided To Do It He Instantly Busts A Nut, He's Happy, She's Happy. - God Dayum!Brittanya Razavi In The Snack Aisle! - Great SexAmateur Babe May Have Just Made A Top 10 All Time Greatest Sex Tape - Worth ItGiving Him Brain Damage - This Is Honestly How I Want To Die. - What The? - Hot CelineI'm Not Sure If It's Right To Call Celine Farach A Celebrity, But I Guess Today Is Every A Celebrity As Soon As They Have A Million Followers On Instagram. Anyway, She's Gorgeous And Not Only That, She Also Has The Cutest Smile Of All The Girls On IG. - Fucks DadDaughter Fucks Daddy For Father's Day - Death HeadDeath Mask Asshole Tattoo Sounds Like An Interesting Night - Haley PaigeRough Ass To Mouth Fucking For Haley Page

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything!"
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A man goes to a shrink and says "Doc, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax" says the Doctor "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--
The teacher asked Jimmy "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying "Because I heard my daddy tell my mummy, 'I am going to eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
--
Lori, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me" she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week". "I see" nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?" "For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards".

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They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.

But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Charley was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy" Fred was prompted to remark.

"Wasn't always that way" replied Charley "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days" he said. "I got this done over on Harley Street, London. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent".

Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing.

It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

"But Charley, I will tell you something else" said Fred. "You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand".

Charley could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.

Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Charley took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder" he laughed. "That's my old one!"

HOT TO WIN AT PUBLIC TRANSPORT

PUBLIC TRANSPORT WINS

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table... and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her "Will you marry me? After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes... YES I WILL!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

"Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me".

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IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components".

Jim is sceptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it".

So Jim asks "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?"

Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibres. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibres".

Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!"

And Carl says "I shit. You knot".

PUT IT ON YOUR BUCKET LIST: BURNING MAN

BURNING MAN

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

Even Wiki knows how awesome MFC is... soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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A man walks into a bar and sees a pudgy, disgustingly pimpled ugly man with the hottest woman he's ever seen.

Man walks up to the bartender and says "Wow, how the hell did that pimpled freak land a hottie like that...?" Bartender replies "Beats the hell out of me but the funny thing is, he's here with her every morning. Why don't you ask him?"

So the man finally gets up the nerve to approach the fat man and says "Excuse me but... I have to ask... how in the world did you land such a hottie?" The fat man replies "Well she's a prostitute."

The man is stunned.

"Well how did you meet her?" The fat man replies "Well she's here every morning at 9am sharp... be here and you'll get your chance!"

So the next day the man comes in and sees the woman sitting at the bar.

He sits down beside her and says "I'm sorry but I have to ask... are you a prostitute?" The woman replies "Its okay and yes... I am." "Wow... how much for a handjob then?" The woman replies "$700." "$700??!! Good God lady, don't you think that's a bit too much, shit!"

The woman says "Come to the window I want to show you something"

She takes him to the window and points to a red Ferrari outside. "You see that Ferrari?"
"Yeah... what about it?" "I paid for it by giving handjobs." "WOW!! That must be one hell of a handjob."

So he pays her the money and gets the best handjob ever... his legs shake and lips quiver.

Next day the man comes back and askes "How much for a blowjob?" "$800" "Holy shit, that's a lot of moolah!"

"Let me show you something" she says.

She takes him back to the window and points to 2 skyscrapers in the city. "You see those skyscrapers?" "Yeah". "I paid for those giving blowjobs." "WOW!!! That's one helluva blowjob!!"

So he pays her the money and gets the best blowjob he has ever had... his eyes roll back in his head and his feet tremble.

The next day the man gets up and empties out his entire bank acct.

He goes to the bar, sees the woman and says "I've got the best handjob and blowjob I have ever had in my life and it was from you! I've GOT to know how good that pussy is...? How much?? Name your price! I'll pay anything!!!!"

The woman says "Come here, let me show you something".

She takes him back to the window and points to an island resort with hotels and communities.
"You see that island over... with the lavish hotels and prominent communities?" He said "Yeah". She says "If I had a pussy I could buy that too."

35 BABES WITH MESMERISINGLY FLAT TUMMIES

FLAT TUMMIES 06

Previously: FLAT TUMMIES #5 - FLAT TUMMIES #4 - FLAT TUMMIES #3 - FLAT TUMMIES #2 - FLAT TUMMIES #1

Two Aussie window cleaners are working on the outside of a 6-storey airport building in Sydney.

One of them says "I want to piss, let's go down".

"Mate, just piss from here". "But there are people down there".

"See that fountain? Lean out and aim right there, no one will notice"

"No way, mate I'll fall down" "Don't worry mate, I'll hold you".

So he starts to piss but his mate loses his grip, and he falls to his death.

A year later in London, three blondes are in a cafe, talking about men.

"I'll tell you, the most sex thirsty men are Italians. When I was there on vacation, I couldn't make a step without them hitting on me!"

"No, it's Mexicans. Those sweaty hairy macho men undress you with their eyes every second!"

"That's nothing compared to Australians. I was there last year. Right after I walk out of the hotel, I sense something dripping from above. I raise my head, and see a man flying towards me, with pants down, holding his dick with both hands and screaming: CUUUUUUUUUNT !!"

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Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this".

"Yeah" Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here".

DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A BAD PARENT??

BAD PARENTING 05

Previously: BAD PARENTING #4 - BAD PARENTING #3 - BAD PARENTING #2 - BAD PARENTING #1

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known area for 'parking'. He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.

"Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine".

Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugged "I believe she's knitting a pullover".

The cop was totally confused. "A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening? What's your age, young man?" "I'm 22, sir".

"And her, what's her age?

The young man looks at his watch and said "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2019 03 07

OLDER SHITE: February 28th - February 21st - February 14th - February 7th - 31st January - 24th January - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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Three women die in a car crash and when they arrive at the gates of heaven St. Peter greets them and takes them to god.

"Okay" said God "I know all you three women have been very nice people throughout your life so you're free to do what your please in heaven - just do not step on the ducks".

Sure enough, when they go through the gates of heaven they're ducks everywhere and its hard not to step on them. Unfortunately, one of the women does...

"What was the one thing I told you not to do?" God asked her "I told you not to step on the ducks!"

And with a snap of his fingers she was handcuffed to the ugliest man she had ever seen in her life.

A couple of weeks passed and it as growing more and more difficult not to step on the ducks... and then the next women stepped on one.

"I told you not to step on the ducks!" God said to her when her found out. And with another click of his fingers she was cuffed to the ugliest man she had ever seen.

The third women was of course extremely careful and after 3 years had never stepped on a duck. All off a sudden however she was cuffed to the most gorgeous man she had ever seen. She said "I don't know what I've done but it must of been something good!?" And the man replies "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck!"

30 HAND BRAS THAT'LL MAKE YOU LOSE YOUR MIND

HAND BRAS 11

HAND BRAS previously on Orsm: #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

An owner of a painting company needs to hire a painter for a job he is doing. So he goes down to unemployment to hire a painter. They tell him they don't have any - the only person they have is at the moment is a gynaecologist. He says that won't do, he needs a painter. They tell him they are sorry. He really needs an extra set of hands so he decides to take the gynaecologist.

Two weeks later he returns asking for the gynaecologist. They tell him that he has found employment and is no longer with them and that they now have painters looking for work. The owner of the painting company tells them that he really needs the gynaecologist. They ask him why?

He tells them that two weeks earlier he took the gynaecologist down to the job site and the front door was locked - he had no key. That guy painted the entire house through the keyhole!

CUBAN GODDESS: JASMINE CARO

JASMINE CARO

Previously: ALEXIS - BELLA - SATI - ERIN - ABELLA - MASHA - DINA - NANCE - BARBIE - MISTY - DARIA - MORE >>

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Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there somewhat regularly/occasionally/frequently/sporadically/periodically. It can actually be seasonal would you believe?
-Check out the archives. Chugga-chugga. Toot-toot.
-Next update will be next Thursday. In absentia, probably quite early but here nonetheless.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will tell everyone you have issues with control; feeling superior to people.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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