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May 2008...
orsmupdate 2008.05.29-23.40

Welcome to Orsm.net. NNTBMHO k ?

I've been a busy little munchkin this week trying my hardest to get far enough ahead so I can escape for a few days and not worry about trying to crank out an update whilst I'm on the road. Not surprisingly when that will actually happen remains to be seen. Was thinking next week but with a long weekend only a day away I can see it fucking up my shit. Maybe the week after, maybe not. Long live pessimism.

Moving on... did anyone see the pictures of the art exhibition that caused all the controversy this week? Long story short - a well known, much revered photographer took a bunch of photos of kids aged in their early teens... all in the name of art. Usually no problem there except they were naked. It wasn't pornography, the photog had parental consent and it was all above board.

Hearing about it I didn't see what the big deal was but actually seeing them, albeit censored, on TV I immediately felt uncomfortable and like I was doing something wrong. I'm all for freedom of speech, artistic expression or whatever else you want to call it and I appreciate something which evokes strong emotions and is confronting but lets face facts... they're naked pics of a pre-pubescent girl. That said, I don't think he should be charged but it would be a bad thing if this encouraged a realm of others to start snapping away at kids under the guise of 'art'.

Now prepare yourself for some uninspiring, whiny drivel as I recount my weekend...

After spending the last five or six weekends going nuts in the garden and getting all the big stuff done it was time to give it a break. This sort of left me at a loose end so with no better offers I rendezvoused with the fam for lunch. From there it was home to stuff around the house for a few hours and then off to hit the shops. By the way - checked the lotto ticket I'd bought a week previous and it was another winner. $40 this time. Seem to be on a good run but hopefully I'm not using up all my joojoo on small returns. On the other hand you might say I'm working my way up to the big one...

Saturday night... where to begin. The plan was to head out and celebrate a friend's birthday, which after watching the footy [go Eagles] I did. The problem with this grand plan was the location - Subiaco. Subi, as its known, is a trendy little suburb neighbouring the CBD and one that I usually go out of my way to avoid. Why? Pretty simple - I don't like the people. I can handle the overpriced shops, cafes and the fact it's impossible to navigate when the football is on but the people, the people, the people drive me insane. The 'oobie-doobie-Subi' crowd we call them. Basically if you're a pretentious wannabe whose aim in life is to be 'seen' then Subiaco is for you.

Anyway with no way to get out of it I bit the bullet and trundled off to meet up with everyone at the Subi Hotel. After ten minutes lining up and getting annoyed watching two drunk guys try their hardest to slime on to a couple of even drunker girls [one of which didn't want to be called Meggypoo and wanted everyone to know - go figure] I was inside.

Half an hour later it was off to the Llama Bar. Not exactly sure what I was expecting but it didn't disappoint... bouncers in designer clothes, guys with far too much product in their hair and chicks just showing way too much skin. FYI - girls leaving something to the imagination is WAY hotter than not. Average age probably 20-25 which puts me out by a few years.

This got me thinking about when I started clubbing way back when. I'm sure we thought we ruled the placed and strolled around like we did and no doubt we were just as annoying as I find them. But that was then and this is now and I've had a chance to become embittered and jaded by this cruel, cruel world so for the time being I'll stick to hating people who are essentially just having a good time. You got to love free will...

Okay that'll probably do with the social commentary. If you spend all your time in Subi, think I live a sheltered life and have no idea what I'm talking about then drop me a line. For everyone else there's a brand spanking new update below and one of the best ones all week. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Aussie Babe - Game Time - Pool Puppies - Not Amused - Brooke Marks - Scarlet-tastic - No Shame - Porn Freaks

Too Cool - How I Like Em - 1 Of Everything - Blonde-gasm - Truly Bootyful - Screw U - In Moderation - Lacey Duvalle

Too Stoned - Sexual Innuendo - Pretty In Pink - Sofia Vergara - See Through - Red Sensation - Meth! - Working Girl

"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher," and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One quarter." answered little Johnny. "You don't know your arithmetic!" snapped the teacher shaking her head. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my dad!"
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call!"

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman...

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says... "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??"

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A young man went to sea for the first time. After they were out about a week, he began to get horny. He asked his bunkmate, "What do you do for sex on this ship?" The guy told him, "You see that barrel on the bow of the ship?" "Yes." "We'll, you can use it." "How?" "Just go up there and stick your dick into one of those holes and you'll be taken care of." "Man, I don't know about that!" "Okay."

So another few days go by and he's really getting in bad shape. So he goes out to the bow, looks to see if anybody's looking and seeing that there's nobody watching him, drops his pants and sticks his dick in the hole. He's surprised as to how good it feels.

So he goes back to his cabin and tells his buddy about it and the guy says, "I told you so!" He asks him, "How often can I use it?" "As often as you like, everyday except Thursday.""Why not Thursday?" "Because that's your day in the barrel."

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Absolutely bloody tonnes of email has poured into the Orsmnet offices [read: the room adjoining the kitchen where my computer is] this week. Sometimes I feel like all I am to you guys is some sort of email repository... which is cool because I like being able to sticky-beak into other peoples lives. Click here and send me something!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Tiger oil company and Edward Mike Davis.
G'day ORSM, Thought you may see the irony in this. Especially when you read pages 17 & 18. And he had so much faith in the abilities of Mr Joseph C. Winkler III. Seems Edward Mike Davis' business principles didn't pay off in the end. Pity, he seemed like such a nice, like-able bloke.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Repeat
Dude, the pictures in this link titles Chick pics from this weeks' post are great. But comon, repeating the same pics as you did in last weeks' post but titled it tits. I don't mind repeats, but 2 weeks in a row????

That was my bad. I fucked up the link. Was supposed to be this. -Orsm

Brady Rosas wrote:
Subject: Your profile
Hello! I am tired this afternoon. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at Madison@IndividualImprove.info only, because I am using my friend's email to write this.
E wrote:
Subject: Chinese Number plate
Hi mate, I took this pic with my phone at a golf club in China where I have been working for 12 months.. Have to be the funniest and stupidest number plate I have seen ever.. Not sure whether it's a funny joke or they just don't have a clue about what they ordered…. If you live in Hong Kong and do business in China you need dual plates, and they are expensive to have them registered, about $10,000 Aus each year.. And to buy personalized plates in HK I would hate t know how much they paid for this..
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Pics for Ramdum Shite. Post away!!

Mmm boobies. That's all it takes to make me happy girls! -Orsm

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ejh3 wrote:
Subject: testing
I saw this @ a mall in West Palm Beach, fla. Another reason that testing should be mandatory for parenthood...
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David wrote:
Subject: Street sign
I took this photo recently of an actual street sign in Rhini, a poor area in Grahamstown, South Africa .. it's the actual street name. Thanks for Orsm.net!
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Nig wrote:
Subject: Grasshopper porn
Hi there, love the site. check it out every week. Felt that last week's grasshopper porn feature was a bit drab, so check this out. lol.

I'm so turned on by this. -Orsm

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Jason wrote:
Subject: How NOT to hand prop your airplane
It started out at the Self service Avgas pump. A guy fueled his Cherokee, but knew he had a dead battery. Pushed the plane back, hopped in, primed the engine, left the throttle half open, mags on, and got back out. Gave the prop a swift swing, and the engine fired right up. Right up to around 1800rpm I guess. The plane took off, straight for the fuel farm. [continues...]
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hey there
Here are some pics of me and can you please post this link to my newbienudes profile beside them and please keep my information private. thank you for your time.
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Truck driver anyone??
The driver has only been in Canada a few months, came from Pakistan. According to the person who sent this, the driver has only been in Canada a few months. He had missed his turn by Brandon Mb. And figured he could go over the hill and continue on the road. Apparently he didn't know there were rail tracks on top of the grade..... The truck owner figures he had to hit the angle at over 55 miles an hour in order to make the top. If you look close at some of the pictures you will see that it is only when the large reefer trailer pinched the rear tires of the truck that the truck stopped......
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend pics..
Ex Girlfriend pics.. please keep my name and address private,, I love your site!! keep up the good work.

Am sure we've seen her before...? -Orsm

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James wrote:
Subject: Pile of Snakes!
Hello Mr. Orsm, About a year ago I was struck in the boot by a Diamond Back Rattle Snake on an Oil Rig here in Wyoming. Fellow rig workers went back to the old rig location a few days ago and found this.... absolutely terrifying. Please do NOT show my e-mail or Name if these end up on the site, thx
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S-S-Sami wrote:
Subject: Strange but True!
Johan Lorbeer is a German street performer. He became famous in the past few years because of his "Still-Life" Performances, which took place in the public area. Several of these performances feature Lorbeer in an apparently impossible position. With his still-life performances, this German artist seems to unhinge the laws of gravity. For hours on time, he remains, as a living work of art, in physically impossible positions. Elevated or reduced to the state of a sculpture, he interacts with the bewildered and irritated audience, whose appetite for communication rises as time goes by, often culminating in the wish to touch the artist in his superhuman, angelic appearance in order to participate in his abilities.
Austin wrote:
Subject: twister in the burbs
Anyone else see this twister thingo yesterday afternoon, around 4:45pm around midland direction? we didnt get it on camera earlier, but it was touching the ground basically, it was fukn nuts!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ex gf...
Hello Mr Orsm, been a fan of the site for a few years and thought it was about time I contributed to an update! Wasted three years of my life with this bitch, not only that, but the age 17-20 years when you're supposed to be enjoying life! Still, can't be all bad, took her virginity in every hole, and now sharing her tits with the world!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: spew
I check your site every week! Thought it was about time i made a contribution. There's more where this came from. Got this phone vid of a nip spewing on george st. sweet hey! please withhold my email address!

We've all been there... -Orsm

click to watch video

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A young man went into a brothel for the first time. He stares at the floor rather nervously waiting for the madam to arrive to help him.

When she arrives, she says, "What'll it be?" Having not done anything before, he shifts around a bit staring at the floor not knowing what to say when it just comes out. "I've never done anything like this before, I'm not sure what to ask for."

Recognising his newness at this, she lights up with delight, knowing he'll for sure be a return customer in the future. She says "Oh sweetie, we've got around the world, missionary, doggie, 69, and..." He interrupts and said, "Wait, that 69 thing sounds interesting." "Oh darling." she gleams with delight. "You'll just LOVE it! I'll set you up with Maria." "Just relax and go with the flow. Go upstairs, second door on the left, and Maria will be right with you."

Maria, in the meantime was walking her way back from a big Mexican lunch. She arrives, and the madam tells her she has a new kid to the scene, what he's asking for and to give him something to remember.

When she gets to the room, she smiles a sexy smile and tells him to get undressed and lay down on the bed. She's very beautiful and his dick gets hard in a second. She smiles, climbs on and starts going at it 69 style when the Mexican lunch starts to kick in. Being a pro and all, she holds it in thinking this guy would be done in no time and she could relive herself then.

After a few minutes the kid is still moaning and licking away when she feels this RRRRRRRRGGGGGGBBRR building up in her intestines from that lunch. After rocking around trying to dislodge the air, she figures he doesn't know much, and maybe she could ease one out without him noticing, seeing his nose is in her ass anyway. She can't hold it anymore and a little 'fffft' slips out. Her eyes roll around in relief.

The kids head pulls back, face all scrunched up and he's blowing air. She stops and thinks quickly of a way to dismiss it or take his attention away. She lifts her head up and asks, "Doesn't that feel good when I do that baby?" "Yeah, uh, sure. I guess so," came a reply from her ass side. Not knowing what the hell he was supposed to expect, he didn't say anything else. And they resume.

After a few more minutes, they're both moaning and groaning and going at it a little hotter when that lunch starts moving around some again, and more rumbling is going on. She tried rocking around again to help move the pressure building. She thinks to herself that he didn't say anything about the first one, maybe she could ease another one out to get rid of the pressure. She pushes a little bit while she's rocking and grinding around and gets a bigger 'ffffggch'. She moans in bliss.

Instantly, his head snaps back, his eyes are watering, face crunched up and he's blowing harder shaking his head at the same time. She lifts her head up and once again asks him, is everything alright honey, don't you like that? Isn't it hot?" He's choking a bit, but manages to slur out, "Yeah, it sure is." Not being able to see his face, she thinks she's in the clear and they proceed. Proud of herself for not getting caught, she's happy and really goes to town blowing his dick. He in turn returns the passion because she really was starting to squirm around this whole time, and he thinks he must be doing something right getting this pro to squirm.

She's surprised at his lasting power. About ten minutes later, she's been rocking around on him in both pleasure and as a means to keep the gas from building up in one spot because she's starting to get gas pains again. She holds on as long as she possibly can but her intestines are really rumbling and she can't hold it anymore. After all he's new and he didn't say a thing about the first two. She tries to let out another small one but it had built up too much and she lets go with a loud and wet 'PPPPBBBRRBBBBPPPPPP'.

He's gagging before his head comes back, and with her lying on top of him, he's thrashing his head from side to side gasping trying to blow air and find fresh air practically at the same time. "What's the matter baby, isn't that good; isn't that hot?" She asks. "Yeah, it sure is, but I don't think I can take 66 more of them things."



If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat"s dem."  The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!"


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook"n hengliding!"

Fucking good RS this week... but of course I would say that wouldn't I...? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo".

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A shepherd made his yearly trip into town and stopped by the bar to get a drink. He was getting tired of his love life with his sheep and decided to try something different.

He asked the bartender, "Bartender, you got any women in this town?" "No, but we've got Old Wong the Chinaman" "I don't go for that shit!" "Okay, you asked, I answered."

So he goes back into the mountains and resumes his previous routine. The next year, he goes back into town and asks the same thing and gets the same reply. He says, "I told you! I don't go for that shit!" "Ok.", says the bartender.

He goes back into the mountains and this year he REALLY gets tired of fucking those sheep! He just has to have something different. So he goes back into town and stops by the bar again and says, "Bartender, you got any women in this town?" Again the bartender says, "No, but we still got Old Wong the Chinaman." "I told you I don't go for that shit! But just in case I did, how much would it cost?" "$250.00" says the bartender. "$250.00! Why so much?" "Well there's $100.00 each for me and Charlie and $50.00 for Old Wong." "Why should I pay you and Charlie $100.00 each?" "Because somebody has to catch and hold Old Wong "Cause he don't go for that shit neither!"

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Three older women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated with honours from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."

The last woman says, "You know my son Morris, he never did too well in school, he never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?" The third momma proudly replies, "Morris fixes boxing matches, football games, tennis matches..."


And that's pretty much it... for the update and the month. But before I go...

- Check out the site archives. They're so big that Ray's ego finally has some competition...
- Next update will be next Thursday. That's Thursday not Wednesday. Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fuck you without a condom. Ray's seed is so powerful that you'll get pregnant and give birth in just one month... even if you're a guy.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.05.22-23.28

Welcome to Orsm.net. Do you ever have those days where you just want to crawl up in to a ball and cry? You do? Fag.

Dudes... hi. Don't know if it's bad time management, too many distractions or what but I'm fucking amazed this update made it up. It's been one of those weeks where I just wasn't feeling it and no matter how much effort went in, nothing came out the other end. God it flew by at record pace though... last Thursday feels like yesterday. There's a lot to be said for staying busy and not giving yourself the chance to get bored but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. That makes no sense... what I [think I] mean is that there's been so much to keep me occupied lately my head is spinning and I can't keep up with it all and 'not feeling it' is the result. Something to work on.

I finally did Friday what was bound to happen sooner or later – smash a window with a tennis ball. With my knee out of action for the last couple of weeks exercising the dog has been limited to me throwing the ball around my front yard and one well placed shot later it was mission accomplished. That was after 5pm on Friday, I had to go out, so decided to lock the dog in the house and leave it until the next morning.

Anyway to cut an unnecessarily long story short, I had to wait until Monday to make a claim due to the insurance company not being open outside normal business hours. What the fuck? The next hard part was actually getting a glazier to replace the window. Four calls later I finally had someone who could do the job that day using the old "we'll be there between 12 and 3" mantra. 4pm rolls around and still no sign so on the phone again "Where are you guys?" "Sorry we had a job that ran long" "Well cheers for letting me know!". Not surprisingly it was Tuesday before they actually came. By the way having a large window open at this time of year is not what you'd expect... it's WAY colder.

My car was due its first service this week - twelve months or 15,000kms. When I bought the thing it was one of the selling points. My last car was every six months or 5,000 so good deal I thought. What they don't tell you is that whilst the service interval is twice as long, the cost is twice as high, apparently because they use better oil. Probably should have seen that one coming...?

Onto my weekend... Saturday's goal was to butcher my Mulberry tree. If there's such a thing as a good tree then Mulberry trees are it – they look awesome and hardly make any mess. That said, it was out of control – 4.5 metres tall with branches extending down to the ground and in desperate need of a massive pruning. So prune I did...

Five or six hours later and it was barely recognisable -although still not finished- but I decided to call it a day so I could get some groceries done. Late afternoon Saturday shopping is always a shit fight because you have to deal with the 'desperate for a bargain' crowd. People go fucking crazy to save $2. You have to feel sorry for the poor guy trying to mark down the meat as twenty plus people huddle around him, pushing, squeezing, exchanging dirty looks, waiting for what they want to be reduced. They're fucking hostile too... all I wanted was some bones for the dog. "Could I just grab those please" I say trying to snuggle in, "No!" she says abruptly. Riiight.

Mini sleep-in Sunday to recover from the heading out Sat night and the previous day before attacking the frickin' garden again. The Mulberry was the object of my attention again and after a few more hours eventually resembled a gigantic mushroom. Success! From there it was everything and anything else – took the saw, the cross-cutters and hedge trimmers and hacked into just about whatever I could find. By days end the pile of green waste on the verge was so big I doubt the General Lee could jump it. Happy days. Hopefully that'll get me through most of next summer with minimal gardening needed in between [but I doubt it]...

Alright enough blog babble. Most of you have probably scrolled right past and are currently watching vids or checking RS anyway so my blog is more or less redundant... which means I could call you all cunts... or tell that embarrassing story of the time I got caught masturbating in public... or that I have always secretly wanted to know deep man love... and no one would never know. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

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Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Big Mouth - Addictive - Police Chase - Punished - Creepy PSA - Bai Ling - Wobbles - Close Call - Lesbo Pornstars

Hottie Blonde - Rave Kebabs - Mega Bass - Awes Boobs - Italian Godess - Going To Jail - Pussy Fire - So Fucked Up

Topless Lilly - Cool Fireball - Death Dunk - Spring Breakers - Upskirt - Turn Me On - Skanked - Baby Toss

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the word "immigrants" and add a few more letters it says "fuck off home you hairy sandal wearing job dodging smelly Arab cunts". Now that's one hell of a coincidence?
What's the best thing about fucking a transvestite... reaching around the front and thinking it's gone all the way through...
Two gay guys share a flat. One comes home to find his partner with his arse in the freezer. "What u doin?" he asks. "Thought you may like a cold one after work..."
I had a wank over my ex-girlfriend last night. I know it's wrong, but I've still got the key and she's a really heavy sleeper!
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" "No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

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A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up.

After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers. "Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it."

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard. "Excuse me sir" he says "Are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news," screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!"

"You look tired my son," said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you."

The bomber sits down and God says "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of tea?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you."

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts... "Oi, Mohammed, two teas over here, and make it snappy you wanker!!"

Click for more awesomeness



An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'Okay, thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Western Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son...  it's a local call".

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"

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Some pretty cool email has come my way lately and below I try and give you the cream of the crop. If you've got something you'd like to share or even just see on the site then drop me a line here.

Brad wrote:
Subject: French canadians
Dear orsm, Long time visitor, just want to tell you what those pics are of. The "Highway of Heroes" is a stretch of Highway 401 that commemorate the bravery and sacrifice of Canadian soldiers. The "Highway of Heroes" is the 172km Hwy 401 stretch from CFB Trenton to Toronto. It earned its name because its the route fallen troops take before heading to the Centre for Forensic Sciences and returned to their families. Since 2002 thousands have stood on overpasses wearing red and holding signs, waiting for the the motorcade to pass. It lets the families know that we're thinking of them and it means so much to them. For the crowd, they feel connected to the family for a few seconds.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Your Site's "French Canadian" Pics from this wk's update
Hey Orsm, Long time viewer (since orsm.ii.net days), first time emailer. Thought I'd tell you about those French Canadian pics on your update this week. While those are French Canadian soliders who were killed in Afghanistan, the rest of the pictures are not unique. This phenomenon has been happening along highway 401 between 8 Wing Trenton Ontario and Toronto Ontario for well over a year now. Anytime one of our soldiers dies in Afghanistan, they are repatriated back to Trenton from overseas. They have to go for an autopsy in Toronto. The public know that they are coming, so the highway is literally lined with people for the 200+ km between the two cities. Every overpass has people on it, paying tribute to our fallen. That portion of highway has been re-named the "Highway of Heroes". A fellow Canadian Soldier and Afghanistan Veteran

cameron wrote:
Subject: spam
While ive never actually bought anything from a spam email, a friend of my brothers was so self consious of the size of his dick he made my brother buy him penis enlarger pills online. He apparently tried all sorts of shit to make it longer but nothing ever worked, pretty sure the pills did nothing either. worst part was i had to sign for the package when it arrived as i was the only one home. So theres one person who has actually bought that crap.

I met a guy that sells 'pills' one time who, after some prodding and poking [the non-homosexual kind], eventually admitted they are just vitamins. -Orsm

Zac wrote:
Subject: Trent from Punchbowl
You may have seen this already but I think it's worth sharing. Bit hard to tell if it's a pisstake or not and some of the references are from the eastern states but it's hilarious anyway.

Whatever that dude is on... I want some. -Orsm

Terry wrote:
Subject: That's GOTTA hurt!!!!
How many times have small children been told not to run with things in their hands? Did we always listen? Do they listen? Not always. Here is a little feller who didn't listen, and he's got some small scars to prove it.
click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Old as RAM Module
The plant where I'm working at the moment has this old 256Kb RAM module framed on the wall in their electrical workshop. Hard out to think how far technology has come. Hide my details if you would be so kind.
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Happy Mother's Day
Local radio host here in St. Louis MO got this pic from her kids as a Mother's Day present..... she found it amusing enough to post on the stations site so I am sharing it with you.

Took me a few seconds to realise... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Mac wrote:
Subject: China
Poor China.... now it's raining rocks...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A porno photo from West Cork, Ireland........... It's a bit rural up there, and some farmers get a bit lonely........
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: RE: self shot
This beats the stuff you posted! Yes someone I know but please hide my details. Love the site!

click to enlarge
SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: Eagle and Swan at Lakelse Lake Near Terrace, B. C.
These photos were taken recently on Lakelse Lake just outside of Terrace, B.C.. The Water Lily Bay Resort feeds the swans on the lake all the time. Eagles are very common in this area too. These are amazing photos! Enjoy!
click for gallery

Stuart wrote:
Subject: That eBay wife...
Here is that eBay wife that made the papers yesterday...

Story here for anyone that missed it. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: so hot
met her online. out of my lead but she sent me pics anyway. hide my email\id bro.

Niiice. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
hey man, these are pics my friend found on her exes email acount before they broke up. thought id share the love. if you dont mind make my id anonymous. love the site
click for gallery

Paul wrote:
Subject: New Ford
New FORD F-250 Super Chief

All I wanna know is how much and where do I get one? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chicks Pics!
Mr Orsm, love the site mate. Heres a bird that used to knock around with my cousin she was fair nice but a slut - heres the pics he took when we went on a bender one night in new york. please keep details private. cheers.
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Samiii wrote:
Subject: Grasshoppers
Nothing turns me on like Grasshopper porn...

Strangely arousing... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote
Subject: how to run an oil company
this is how they used to run things in de oil bidness. it is an actual company that went bust in the 80s.

He seems to get more insane as it goes through. Page 14 is my favourite. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness


1. The first rule of a cool photographer: Do NOT show your photographs.
2. The second rule of a cool photographer: Do not show your photographs! If somebody asks you to show them - make an excuse. Tell about terabytes of raw images on your computer, being busy, copy and other rights, agreements with "Harper's Bazaar", "Esquire", and other fancy magazines and advertisement agencies.
3. If you have a blog, post there a few photos of renown photographers with moderately positive comments such as "That's how one should do it!". Theorise a lot!
4. As an exception, you can post 2-3 abstract-looking photos with a note "I am just fooling around" or "these are my juvenile experiments". No more than that!
5. Register on all possible forums, mailing lists, websites devoted to photography. Post often, criticise moderately, without fanaticism. Use expressions like "so-so", "boring shit", "the horizon level is off", "faded colours", "is there an idea?" "is there a concept?", etc. Really cool photographer can always find something to criticize. Never praise. Mock newbies until their full destruction.
6. Learn the terminology. The words "expocorrection", "bracketing", "crop", "polarisation" should always be in your arsenal. Use them!
7. Learn the jargon and use it fearlessly.
8. Disdain the rules, but ridicule those who disregard them.
9. Learn names of 2-3 famous photographers, and know the Cliff's notes description of their work. Use this when theorising and criticising.
10. Install the latest version of Photoshop. Master the "stamp" tool. Tell everybody that you don't use Photoshop on principle. Ridicule all who uses it.
11. Photo filters are crouches for disabled. Universal lenses are suitable for handless and footless. A really cool photographer uses different lenses for each situation, and uses his feet and head for moving objects closer and farther away.
12. Buy a camera. Remember, Canon belongs to cheap pop-culture; Panasonic, Sony, Olympus and Konica are all garbage. In the worst case, buy Nikon or Pentax, but you'd be better off with Leica or Hasselblad. If you don't have enough money, buy a wide-angle "Kiev". You don't need to put any expensive film in it - just carry the camera with you.
13. The more lenses, flashes, filters, exponometers are in your photobag, the cooler you are!
14. Cool pros use film or the most expensive digital SLR's. If you don't have enough money for 1D Mark, carry an old film camera, motivating it by the fact that digital is inferior to the film. Argue about wrong colour reproduction, low resolution, and the young age of the technology.
15. If you are using a DSLR, claim that you ignore the screen and even the built-in exponometer, setting everything based on your vision and expertise.
16. Get a friend with a photo-studio and drink with him regularly.
17. Every so often, disappear for a couple of days. Claim that you had a large-volume contract and you were stuck in the studio, or that you flew in the "National Geographic" helicopter to shoot geysers in Kamchatka.
18. Display on your desk a certificate of some photo-school, but don't forget to mention that you have outgrown your teachers.
19. Memorise Ken Rockwell's article. Disprove it or substantiate it depending on the situation.
20. Learn all the camera models back to the 40s. Read the new releases, and know all modern cameras, lenses, flashes.
21. Be aware of photo exhibitions. You don't need to attend them, familiarising yourself with the reviews would suffice.


A baby girl is mysteriously dropped off at an orphanage in Cleveland in 1945. "Jane" grows up lonely and dejected, not knowing who her parents are, until one day in 1963 she is strangely attracted to a drifter. She falls in love with him. But just when things are finally looking up for Jane, a series of disasters strike. First, she becomes pregnant by the drifter, who then disappears. Second, during the complicated delivery, doctors find that Jane has both sets of sex organs, and to save her life, they are forced to surgically convert "her" to a "him." Finally, a mysterious stranger kidnaps her baby from the delivery room.

Reeling from these disasters, rejected by society, scorned by fate, "he" becomes a drunkard and drifter. Not only has Jane lost her parents and her lover, but he has lost his only child as well. Years later, in 1970, he stumbles into a lonely bar, called Pop's Place, and spills out his pathetic story to an elderly bartender. The sympathetic bartender offers the drifter the chance to avenge the stranger who left her pregnant and abandoned, on the condition that he join the "time travellers corps." Both of them enter a time machine, and the bartender drops off the drifter in 1963. The drifter is strangely attracted to a young orphan woman, who subsequently becomes pregnant.

The bartender then goes forward 9 months, kidnaps the baby girl from the hospital, and drops off the baby in an orphanage back in 1945. Then the bartender drops off the thoroughly confused drifter in 1985, to enlist in the time travellers corps. The drifter eventually gets his life together, becomes a respected and elderly member of the time travellers corps, and then disguises himself as a bartender and has his most difficult mission: a date with destiny, meeting a certain drifter at Pop's Place in 1970.

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The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The consequence of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."



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For those of you who may not be completely aware of John Hinckley, who he is, what he did, and why, here's a little history. John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan many years back. John was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and extremely jealous as well, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself known to her, attempted to assassinate President Reagan.

With that in mind... the staff at the mental facility treating John Hinckley reports intercepting the following letter from Bill Clinton:

To: John Hinckley
From: Bill Clinton

Dear John, Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes, Bill & Hillary Clinton

PS: Barack Obama is screwing Jodie Foster.

I've tried to take you from the spectacular to the craptacular and back again this week. There'll be highs and there'll be lows, there'll be laughter and there may even be tears but there'll definitely Random Shite...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing," replied the drunk.


Well folks that be all. Now please prepare for the update to end...

- Check out the site archives. They'll touch you in your special place...
- Next update will be next Thursday. Thursday not Friday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will befriend your girlfriend. At first you'll think nothing of it but that's because you have a strong, trusting relationship but what you don't realise is that Ray is a skilled lover and she wont be able to resist his charms. After he's had his way with her, destroyed your relationship and your lives he'll tap you on the shoulder and whisper "Now don't you wish you'd told your mates about Orsm?". Don't fuck with Ray.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go Obama! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.05.15-23.10

Welcome to Orsm.net. Bang! I just stuck it up your bum.

I'm starting to get holiday pangs again. Well not a holiday as such... just a few days away would do the trick. With the onset of shorter days, colder nights and rain [also known as winter I believe...?] it's fast approaching the perfect time to go driving and escape the daily grind. The next hard bit is to pick a week, get everything sorted and make it happen. That said, the reality is I'm a 'when the time is right' kind of guy so expect a blog in a month or so complaining about how I still really need a holiday...

I've been watching my inbox closely this week after Outlook started crawling like a retard on heroin when my junk email folder passed 25,000 items. The fucked up part is that's only about three or four month's worth. All fucking spam. All of it. This got me thinking – who buys their shit? Personally I never would. If they don't have a problem sending tens of millions of unsolicited emails, through hacked relays and zombie PC's, which you can't unsubscribe from, then I doubt they'd have a problem misappropriating your credit card details.

Anyway I'm yet to meet anyone that has so let's hear it. Ever bought anything from a spam email? What was it? Did you get what you paid for? Any problems? Drop me a line!

Moving on to my weekend which was somewhere between ordinary and fantabulous. Firstly, I'm happy to announce the long running Battle of the Bougainvillea has ended. Twenty minutes, a 4wd and some rope, it didn't look so tough. I win.

Saturday was nothing out of the ordinary except I had my second lottery win in a row. That's a grand total of around $60 in winnings for the year. Wooo... retirement here I come...

From there it was grocery shopping. It was around lunch time so the place was busy as hell. Walked past the row of checkouts and finally settled on one that looked like my best chance of getting through before dinner. There was a lady being served, another behind her and then me. I decide with a couple of minute wait to make a phone call. Blah blah blah chatting away I turn back around to notice another 'woman' has literally pushed her pram in front of my trolley. Okay...

Now it's at this point you make a decision. Do I just say 'fuck her' and unload my shit on to the conveyor OR ignore the rudeness and offer to let her in. I choose the latter on account of she is holding two things – a bottle of milk and a loaf of bread. "Would you like to go ahead of me?" I say over-enthusiastically. "Oh... wow... well that would be great," the cunt says trying to act surprised. So she plonks down her milk and bread... and would you believe proceeds to start unloading other groceries stashed in, on and around the pram. No shit at least twenty separate items. I don't think there was even a kid in the pram! Unbelievable.

The best bit came when she was finished. Looked directly at me -eye contact- and looked away. No acknowledgement or thanks, like I'd never let her in, like I was some chucklehead in a line behind her. People are such cunts and it fucked me off so on the off chance you're the fat, past-your-prime, faux blonde bitch with bad manners who I let in front of me at Woolworths on Saturday then not only do I hope you break your leg in six places, but that I'm there to see it.

Sunday... after getting the Mother's Day stuff out of the way relatively early it was home, change of clothes and outside to hack into the garden. Its council 'green waste' collection time again so I wanted to rip out as much shit as possible... and that I did. It was all going well until out one deeply rooted plant suddenly let go causing me to jerk backwards and hyper-extend my knee... the same knee which had just started to feel better after hurting it earlier in the week. Pain but I muscled on because shit had to be done.

The good part is that I managed to remove another problem plant from the garden. The bad part is I've barely been able to walk since. The worst part is there's more to be done this weekend...

Anyway I've had enough of listening to myself dribble shit so I'll STFU and get on with the update... just like that. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Tasty Brides - Super Race - Megan Hotness - Keeley Nude - Spring Breakers - Play Bunny - Surely Not - Pussy Abyss

Great Boobs - Addictive - Wet T Comp - Wank-tastic - Nude Review - Diiirty Maid - Bill Snaps - Issues - Sex Toy

Sun Burned - Pretty In Pink - Ball Tazered - Man Babies - Aria Giovanni - Meadow Soprano - WTF? - Ewoks - Tara

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?" With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'Sorry', the Aboriginal union is holding a meeting tomorrow to decide whether to end their 220 year strike and start working...
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China? Everybody won.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98. Two years older than me" she replied. "So you're 96? Hardly worth going home, is it?" he said.

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Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break... do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet - ate the cookies... drank the milk... shit on the paper... screwed the other three cats... claimed he injured his back while doing so... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... put in for Workers Compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!

Click for more awesomeness



A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have confession to make I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods"."Tiger Woods... the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" ask the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this fucking hole!"

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If you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff ogled by millions thus enlarging your e-penis then we're always keen on compromising pics of your Ex or current chick, fucked up videos, car stuff, cool shit, jokes or whatever... its all good! All you need to do is click here and make the magic happen.

Chris wrote:
Subject: I don't know bout being a retard and sucking at life...
...but I sure LOVE the the "apple bottom jeans" song, at least THIS version.

Nup sorry dude. Still gay. -Orsm

Ron wrote:
Subject: MRAP damage???????????? G/day ORSM.
Been a bit of a fan for a while now, the more mature variety 47 vintage. Would just like to make comment on the fots of the MRAP vehicle that supposodly ran over a 500lb aerial bomb with fuck all damage to the crew?????? What a crock of shit!!!! I'm well qualified to say that as I served with the 3rd Cav Regt in Viet-nam & most of our battle casualties/veh damage was from mines. A 500 lb bomb leaves a crater half the size of a footy field & believe me if that MRAP had driven over one it & the poor bloody crew would still be in orbit... Going past Pluto by now. Any sceptics out there can Google images, 500lb bomb crater, that should give em an idea.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Boxing injury
Rare footage of Orsm boxing in his (white) thong.

I'll admit that it does look a lot like me except I am way more muscley and have a much bigger penis. -Orsm

Katia wrote:
Subject: Green Thing MacBook Air expose
Hello, This Months Green Thing is all about sticking with what you got. Here is our mac clad reporter Mac Man Macmanaman and his shocking expose on how admen use devious tricks to get us to buy stuff we don't need. Check out the video here. Buying too much stuff puts an insane strain on the environment. It's a waste of the raw materials used to make them as well as the fossil fuels used to produce and transport them. And with peer pressure and ad pressure telling us we're inadequate until we get the latest thing, it puts a strain on our happiness too. So let's stick not twist. Let's value what we have. The laptop you've got may not fit into an envelope – but it won't be accidently posted either.
Ryan wrote:
Subject: A delicate situation....??
Hey ORSM, just thought I would pop this on over to you....you might be able to use it on the site. Taken in a game reserve somewhere in South Africa. A sexually charged Elephant bull is probably not something that you would like to come face to face with on a narrow gravel road.
click to enlarge
Blair wrote:
Subject: After a short stay in America
American obesity epidemic spreads to inanimate objects! After a short stay in America, Michelangelo's David returned to Europe!!
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Iluka Llama Farmer wrote:
Subject: Dubai
An amazing view of one of Dubai's city skylines. This picture was not taken from an airplane, but from the world's tallest building: Burj Dubai @ 2,620 ft / 801m!!!
click to enlarge
Eugene wrote:
Subject: random shite pic
A Mate of mine sent me this, his mate took it in Nigeria. Love you web page too! Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: photos of the wreck of the Porsche Cayman of FRANCOIS STERCHELE
This accident happened last week to a famous footballplayer in Belgium, François Sterchele, playing for Club Brugge. The guy was very popular because he was always so friendly. After a party he drove his one year old Porsche Cayman of the road against a tree. Justice isn't going to say what caused the accident. Sorry to say but he didn't survive the crash (who would?) There were rumours that he drove at a speed of 217 km/h and that he was very drunk, but nobody wants to confirm. There was nobody else involved in the accident. He was burried today 13/05/08 under a massive attention. Keep my details private pls
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hot chick
Long time reader, first time with something worth submitting.... Some pics of a Jewish American Princess I was fucking and had convinced that I was going to leave my wife for.... Please keep my info private... Peace
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: tits
yo orsm. this has to be seen to be believed. okay i take no cerdit she's got a fugly head but the things i would do with/to/on her tits.. laters dude and please put me as withheld.

Either she's not THAT bad or I have low standards...? Definitely racktacular though. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: WTF?
please no details...

I think he's just misunderstood... -Orsm

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Jansen wrote:
Subject: Vernon of the day!
You had this clown on your site a few updates ago. Don't know whether you want to use these. The last one is the best!!!!
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Mac wrote:
Subject: Salmon in WA
Some people cant get enough... This is extreme fishing, where the keen fishermen are seperated from the mad bastards. Shots taken from the South Coast of West Aus May 2008.

Did you catch anything? -Orsm

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mike wrote:
Subject: Why Texans carry guns
So you're taking a stroll out on the ranch, and run into THESE!!!!!
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Terry wrote:
Subject: French canadians
Salute people!!! don`t know any French canadians but who cares.

Wow. -Orsm

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V wrote:
Subject: The Universe/The Human universe
Interesting journey into outer and inner space. Hope you enjoy this as much as I did!

I found that music surprisngly catchy. Oh and you guys will need PoerPoint to view this. -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners prizes for playing a game called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. Here's how it all went down:

DJ: Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of Mate Match?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes, I have.
DJ: Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian.
DJ: Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you. Now, what is your wifes name? First only please.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work.
DJ: Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well...
DJ: Question #2 - How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.
Brian: Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.
DJ: Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I, ummm, I, well...
DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...
DJ: Uh huh...
Brian: ...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.
DJ: Atta boy, Brian.
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
DJ: Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we? (Touch tones... ringing...)

Clerk: Kinkos.
DJ: Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sarah: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of Mate Match?
Sarah: No.
DJ: Good!
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.
DJ: Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?
Sarah: Oh God, Brian... uh, this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sarah: Around 8 this morning.
DJ: Very good. Next question. How long did it last?
Sarah: 12, 15 minutes maybe.
DJ: Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?
Sarah: (laughing) Yes.
DJ: Where did you have it?
Sarah: OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sarah?
Sarah: Well...
DJ: Come on Sarah... where did you have it?
Sarah: Up the arse...

Dead silence. Hysterical laughter. Cut to commercial. It's unknown if Brian and Sarah won.


Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up you drunken bastard! You've shit the bed!".

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A muscular body builder type is walking along the beach, when he happens upon a woman with no arms or legs lying in the sand. She looks up at him imploringly and says, "Please sir can you help me, I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed."" Feeling sorry for her he leans down and gives her a kiss.

She then says, "I hate to put you out, but I've never had a man touch my breasts." He's a little repulsed but, being a good sort and not wanting to hurt her feelings, he begins to stroke and caress her breasts.

After a few minutes of this she whispers in his ear, "You know, I've never been fucked." So he picks her up, throws her as far into the sea as he can and shouts, "You are now!"

Look all I'm saying is don't trust me when I say there's nothing nasty in this weeks RS. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Click for more awesomeness

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off!" she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right! He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all!" she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

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Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said,

"Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"? Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter!
She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." "Man", Boudreaux said, "it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"


Well dudes that's me for another week so without any further ado please standby as I skip to the outro in 3... 2...

- Check out the site archives. They're ronrey rithout you...
- Next update will be sometime between next Wednesday and Friday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will take you to Vegas on a gambling trip. Placed as a counter, he'll signal that the table is hot, and announce that the drinks are 'too SWEET' indicating the count is to 16+. What you don't know is that he's been counting wrong deliberately and after you wager your entire life savings on a hand, he walks away with your money. Because that's what happens when you don't tell your peeps to check out Orsm... Ray will fuck your shit up.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.05.08-23.49

Welcome to Orsm.net. Cancel my subscription - I'm sick of your issues.

Howzit? Everyone miss me? Come on... you know you did.

For the last few weeks every time I've turned on the radio there it is. Stop at the traffic lights and some dick seems to have it cranking in their car. I went shopping, the juice store had it blaring and all the 'trendy' clothes shops - same deal. Inescapable. What am I talking about? That 'apple bottom jeans' song. I could rant on about how bad that shit is but lets just skip it and say - if you like it then you're a retard and suck at life.

Moving on... my bad habit of not opening snail mail caught up with me rather embarrassingly today. Busy working away I hear a knock at the door. "Hi" I say to the smiling man in the power company uniform. "Hi," he says "do you know your electricity bill is late? You should nave received a couple of disconnection notices..." "Ooops! Ummm...?". This seems to be a common thing lately - last week my mobile phone got disconnected for a couple of hours until I started getting "Dude, do you have a new number?" emails and paid it.

The question here is: why am I so bad at paying bills? The answer has something to do with the fucking mountain of papers, packages and unopened mail located to my immediate right. Stuff flows in every single day and anyone that is either above 18, has a mortgage, consumes services, owns a car, has ever put their name and address anywhere, is a member of some sort of club or organisation, and so on, or any combination of those likely suffers exactly the same shit. Surely there has to be a better way. And yes I know all about direct debit but if they just 'took' I would never check the bills and live in constant fear of being ripped off by an evil billing computer somewhere.

Next... I've been limping around like a little bitch this week after sustaining a boxing injury. Now before get carried away conjuring some fanciful story about how I went down after a marathon sparring session with a heavyweight opponent I'll just come clean and say it's my knee that's hurt... apparently due to wearing thongs [flip-flops?] whilst belting away. Turns out that wearing incorrect footwear CAN actually cause you to lose balance thus extending the knee in the wrong direction resulting in a limp. Whodathunkit?

Funnily enough that's my second injury since getting the bag six or seven weeks ago. The first one was due to not stretching/warming up. I put my gloves on, walked outside and started swinging. Next thing you know my chest and shoulder killed for a week. Once again - whodathunkit? At this point I can only imagine what the next one will be but I'm going to take a punt now and say the rickety old pergola to which it's attached will collapse due to vibration [also known as my super-human strength], most likely inflicting severe head injuries. Place your bets.

Still got some space to fill so I shall now proceed to dazzle you with a summary of my less than cutting edge, yet enjoyable, weekend...

With the arrival of the stinky cleaning ladies Friday morning it was necessary to vacate the house as fast as possible due to their intensely strong body odour [I kid you not - my eyes watered] so I devoted some hacking time towards the Bougainvillea I mentioned last week. As it turns out it wasn't one plant acting alone - six or seven of them had conspired together in one big, sharp monstrosity. After an hour of butchering, bleeding and swearing it was finally reduced to stumps so all that remains is getting a 4wd with a rope to tear the fuckers out. Last laugh coming my way any day now.

Had a mate's thirtieth birthday party on Sat night. Didn't know most of the people so a couple of us sat nonchalantly in the corner ogling the lamb cooking on the spit. It was literally three hours of salivating torture watching this beautiful beast turn slowly over the coals before a garlic and rosemary flavoured payoff around midnight. Absolutely fucking delish! Seriously need to get one of them installed in the backyard so I can rotiss it up at will.

Sunday was Sunday. Used the morning to clean the car, the afternoon to clean the house and the evening to play with the camera - this time under the Narrows Bridge in the city. As usual over 200 images shot and barely one that I actually like... thought I was supposed to be getting better...? Try again this weekend I guess - sooner or later I'll get it right...

Okay now would be a good time to cease with the blog stuff and get on with the update... so go on - check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Perfecto Blonde - Build-a-Lot - Booty-ful- Euro Girls - Breastacular - Avalanche Surfing - Halle's Berries - Crazed

Naturale Boobs - Ur Emo - Matrix Guy - SO Dumped - Rebecca Romjin - Bad Mischa Bad - Viagra Lovers - Jedi Gym

Motivational - Gonna Tickle - Honk Honk - GF Strips - Ugliest Mums - Perez Pokies - Nip Slip - Got The Herpes

The Australian Gold Coast Surf Classic was won this week under controversial circumstances... by a Burmese on a wardrobe.
Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror, after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. "God... if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And just like that... her ears fell off!
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course I am," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am - a fucking stunt driver?"
I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick CUT'"
I've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter Simulator" onto my PC, but it keeps crashing!
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

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John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you so late getting home?" they asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy. The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." "What did you watch?' asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." The robot stood motionless.

"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!"

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.

Click for more awesomeness



A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tyre on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tyre and for her just to wait there.

"Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked, "How's about you get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tyre." The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him.

"Hey, shit head, I told you to get over here and change this tyre or I'm going to kick your ass." The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your ass and make you change that tyre. Then while I screw your woman I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand."

Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?" "Nah, he wasn't so tough," said the guy. "Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"

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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

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There's been some pretty decent mail submissions this week but greedy guts that I am I'd be happier if there were more. You guys are slacking it! To make up for this rare slump in form it's only fair that everyone immediately drops what they're doing and takes some time to send something my way. I don't care what it is - if you can staple it to an email then it's worth sending so hurry the fuck up and get it happening!

Johnathan wrote:
Subject: Re: Slam That Blondie vid
So, i'm watching the Slam That Blondie vid and am enjoying it as a man would. She's really cute, kind of exotic and fit as hell. Then, she goes to bend over the bed and at first I'm saying 'Hell Yeah!' Until she pulls up her skirt and I see THIS THING! What the hell is that? Now, I've gotten a multitude of surprises after getting a chick naked: tattoos, piercings, cellulite, a little extra hair. . . none of which are necessarily deal-breakers. But, I don't know, it looks like she used to have a tail and had the thing chopped off. Or, maybe it is just growing and by the time she's 60 she'll look like a lizard. I mean, is this NORMAL? Me, personally, I'd have a hard time doing the deal with that staring back at me.
Indiana Rugby wrote:
Subject: slam that blonde...
WTF...    Is that a BOIL on her tailbone??? I had to stop watching. She was way hot... until I saw the "growth". OMG I would not be able to fuck her and look at that thing.

Mike wrote:
Subject: Chicks with tails
Hey Orsm, Love the site, but I am not digging the vid of the chick with the tail.  Not the hermaphrodite variety, the vestigial kind.  Tried to sneak that one past us, didn't 'cha?

I'm glad everyone enjoyed it! -Orsm

Shane wrote:
Subject: google maps
Go here. Look at the kid on the bike. Then click North "N". Bam.
Spoon wrote:
Subject: Spot the difference...
Mr Orsm, You must be working to hard if you cannot spot the difference between these pics.. There are two differences that i picked up on almost immediately.. The top picture is higher than the bottom picture.. The bottom picture has www.orsm.net printed across the bottom right hand corner (you may need to squint to see it).. I hope these 2 little hints help you along so that you may spot some other less obvious differences. There is no need to thank me, just keep up the good work.
Cody wrote:
Subject: RE: Stupid liverpudliens
Hey Orsm, great site, keep up the good work. RE: Stupid liverpudliens. Merv you DICKHEAD. LEARN TO SPELL! It is Sefton Park not Seftan Park. You dumb twat!
Michael wrote:
Subject: Pissed off employee
Hey hey. I work at an auto electrical workshop in Gympie, just north of Brisbane. Was installing a set of spotlights on a landcruiser today and noticed this written on the back of one of the bits of paper inside the sealed packet. Someone at the Hella factory was having an off day, what do you reckon?
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Ladies, we are looking for your assistance here....
Can We ask a favour? (Hope it's not too much to ask!) A group of friends are spending their holidays doing a 'Fun Run' across the country. They are travelling light and are looking for places along the way where they can crash for a few days. I thought maybe you could help out by welcoming them and making them feel at home. I took the liberty of giving them your phone number and address. They left three days ago and you can probably expect them to arrive sometime in the next 3 weeks. To help you recognize them (I don't want you to be taking in complete strangers), I attach a photo of them. Thanks.
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BJ wrote:
Subject: Fly
HEY man thought I'd share some funny shit with you guys... lol as I was doin my DAILY T-N-A surffin and ya a little smokin too lmao... but any way i came upon this little thing that stood out like a FLY ON YOU STAKE... take a look
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny pics
just another photo to sum up the adequacy of our oriental friends abililty to both drive safely and genius creations. i would never have come up with the idea a tennis hat could couple as a pair of sunnys. keep it up my nippy friends.
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Damien wrote:
Subject: Scotty's little Scania
Dear Mr. Orsm, Some pics from ol' mate taking a dump down at Wastestream in Kwinana. Thought you might have a use for it. Wouldn't have happened in a Mack!
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glenn wrote:
Subject: cool fire
hey orsm send you some pics of a fire in fire pit at a friends house took'em in negative hope yo like'm and hope to se'em on the site by the way i've been a long time fan so keep on keeping on!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Awesome.
Last week up at Hervey Bay I came across this beauty. Check out the donks on this!!! Still not as much pulling power as this ORSM Site Cheers. Hide my details please..
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Terry wrote:
Due To Budget Cuts, This Is Your New Cubicle.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: data recovery porn
Hi Mr Orsm, Been away for a couple of weeks so this is the first chance I have had to send in some more pictures. Just to re-cap some dude brought a pc in to the store where I work to get data recovery done following a crash. Made the mistake of telling us that there were some adult pictures on the computer and this is what we found. It makes you wonder how smart some guys are if they tell you this and dont expect to find pictures of Angie <removed> posted all over the internet lol.
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Pagey wrote:
Subject: Zimbabwe, Giraffes & Lioness
Was checking out your site after my 3 week South African/Zimbabwe sojourn and I thought I'd send you an adjunct to the ZIM$ menu that was in your last update. The attached has the USD$ equivalent alongside it, so as you can see the nonsense that is the Zim economy. Also, there's a pic of a couple of Scandinavian ambassadorial staff who are based in Harare but were on leave in Victoria Falls. They ordered one bottle of wine only and it came to ZIM $1,000,000,000 including tip (about AU $20). May as well be Monopoly money. Oh, and two sunrise pics with giraffes as well as an early morning pic of a lioness on a path, misty breath evident. You might like, seeing as you're into your photos. Wanky, but good in my opinion.
Johnee wrote:
Subject: Striped Icebergs ! !
Icebergs in the Antarctic area sometimes have stripes , formed by layers of snow that react to different conditions. Blue stripes are often created when a crevice in the ice sheet fills up with melt water and freezes so quickly that no bubbles form. When an iceberg falls into the sea , a layer of salty seawater can freeze to the underside. If this is rich in algae , it can form a green stripe. Brown, black and yellow lines are caused by sediment, picked up when the ice sheet grinds downhill towards the sea.
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Telescopic tower crane
The Grove GTK1100 telescopic tower crane... [read more]
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Sami wrote:
Subject: losing a bet
This is what happens when you lose a bet on a KARRATHA mine site

Some folks got it, some don't. He don't. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: the girl from Cal K
the girl in the pictures sent in by Cal k with the subject amazing is a girl I've talked to a few times on a site called orfay, taken from another older site yafro. She posts pics on there under the screen name susielikesgirls. and yeah she used to have tons of pics like those on there. Big time exhibitionist. But hey, if you've got it, flaunt it. Here's a few more she had posted on there before and sent my way. oddly enough I met my ex on that site, it ended badly and I sent you come pics of her last year, lol.
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Click for more awesomeness

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen'. This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen'".

The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week!"


Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?" Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews." Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realising he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.  While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico! Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews." "Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!" "Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "...and all we have is orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews, and grape jews."

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A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no..." he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him" she whispered... "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room".


"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?" "If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: "Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?" "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?" The assistant said: "Well, no."

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?" The assistant replied: "Because you're in a hardware store you dick head!"

RS... a veritable, eclectic plethora of irrefutable whateverness... plus a whole bunch of other big words that may or may not be pertinent. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Click for more awesomeness

He is 80, she is 20. It was the talk of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow saying "This is amazing! How do you do it at your age?". He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running!"

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You're amazing, how do you do it?". He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running!"

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!" He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running!" The nurse said, "Well you better change the oil... this one is black!"

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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"


Oh wow! This is the end, man! Doesn't anyone ever suss out cleaning this oven except me?

- Check out the site archives... coz they suuuure checkin' you out...
- Next update will be the day after Wednesday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will wait until you're not looking and tie your shoe laces together. You'll fall over, probably wont get hurt but what you don't know is that Ray's a 5th Dan in knot tying and it'll take you hours to untangle them. That's just what happens when you mess with Ray.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please refrain from angering me. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2008.05.01-22.87

Welcome to Orsm.net. BE the flow.

Hello Thursday old friend. Here we are yet again.

I'm starting to wonder if my constant PC issues will ever end. I use two machines - a main one to do the bulk of whatever and a second one for storage. The second one is the one that's been causing me all the grief lately and once a-fucking-gain it has crapped out. Another failed hard drive. It started being a little bitch about a week ago. Thankfully I managed to recover a whole bunch of files that I wanted and have just left it sit there since. Jump forward to this afternoon, I get back from walking the dog and hear some weird noises echoing through the house. Hard to describe exactly but imagine a penguin tapping its beak against a window whilst being penetrated by a massive cock.

Without getting too technical the computer is [of course] set up in a way that one failed hard drive means its conjoined twin will also need to be replaced [of course]. In other words - twice the expense [of course]. Great.

Oddly enough in over 8.5 years of owning various computers I've never had a single hard drive fail... now suddenly it's three in the last month. Admittedly all of them were at least five years old so if you take into account how much use they provided I'm still way ahead but its just fucking annoying.

I've made a concerted effort over the last few weeks to de-news myself. The radio has been off, not watching the evening news EVERY day and I'm teetering on changing my homepage to something non-news. That still hasn't been enough to escape it but I at least have been able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to be doing with less distraction. The result though is a very me-centric [read: uninteresting] blog so instead of getting some uneducated, simplistic take on whatever newsworthy event has been bugging me, you get a regurgitation of MY goings-on for the last week. Please try to contain yourselves or just scroll down to where the cool shit is...

With Friday being a public holiday and no plans for the day it opened up a realm of possibilities. First on the list was fixing the leaky shower. It was leaking so much that I actually started to feel that water restrictions would be an inevitability for decades to come, with or without a drought. So I toddled off to the hardware store looking for new spindles, washers and handles only to be thwarted -like literally dozens of others- by a big closed sign. Bugger.

Next on my list was the continuation of my long running battle with a Bouganvilla. What the fuck is a Bouganvilla you ask? Basically it's a big cunt of a plant, covered in razor sharp cunt spines that grows un-cunt-rollably. The more you prune it, the faster it grows. The plan is to remove it so I've been hacking away for the last four weeks and only stopping when the bin was full. Friday however, was the day I made the most progress and as a result my arms and abdomen were scratched, bloodied and cut to pieces from the fucking thing... looked like I'd been dragged behind a pickup truck KKK style.

With such good weather there really wasn't any excuse not to spend five hours cleaning and detailing the car so that's what I did. From there we grabbed the camera and went off trying to take some pics but the light was shit [that's my excuse...] so it was all over pretty quickly.

The rest of the weekend just flew by like they usually do - ran around doing whatever, did groceries, bought a losing Powerball ticket, played with the dog and caught up with friends and family. I did give the photo thing another crack on Sunday although pretty much unsuccessful again this time due to rain. All up another damn good weekend.

Alright time to get on with the update. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Now this is cool - Busted on Film. Real videos of real people sprung fucking when they thought nobody was watching... oh how wrong they were! These vids come from the personal collections of real PI's and push the boundaries of privacy! Trust me this stuff is too good to be made up. Check out Busted on Film now...

Oiled Up - Play Me - Cam Cuties - Perfect Girl - Bad Idea - Face Plant - Falling Down - Big Bill's - Wild Strippers

Thong-topia - I'm Cumming! - Flip Faced - What The? - Pole Dancer - Hot Playmate - Cuttin' Rug - Ummm - Stoned

Mischa's Mams - Masturbation - Wait For It - Crazy Cleav - SO Busted - Loh-cans - Courtney - Stack It - Tourettes

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too young? When you make aeroplane sounds before you stick your cock in her mouth.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Geez, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
A newly married couple are laid back resting after having a non-stop shagging session throughout the night. He's laid there smoking a cigarette while his new Thai wife is playfully stroking his cock. "Are you trying to get me hard yet again honey?" he said, "No, I'm just missing mine" she replied.

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The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me..." So the Pope slapped her.

Click for more awesomeness



An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir..." replied the police officer, "... that is what we call the French Embassy."

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T'was a slightly quieter mail week than usual. I'm beginning to think you guys don't like me... was it something I said? ANYWAY if you've got something you would like to share with the world then here is the place to do it. Top of the want list are cool videos, pictures of just about anything, Ex girlfirend porn, jokes or whatever else you think is vaguely interesting. All you need to do is clickety-click here and make it happen. You KNOW you want to...

Spoon wrote:
Subject: window cleaning...
Hey.. Just a quick note to let you know that it is probably a bad idea to use printed newspaper on your windows.. Back when i was working in Dominos we used to clean the windows with newspaper (because it does work..) but word came down from upper management to stop immediately because it damages the film covering the glass (usually tinted, but even on clear glass there is a film covering it so it doesn't shatter like old windows do).. I can't promise that it is a fact it damages it, but Dominos then started supplying other cleaning products (why would they go to the expense if there was no basis behind their theory??)

Muzza wrote:
Perhaps these Arabs were setting off on another suicide mission, and just like the 9/11 terrorists, told their flight instructos "We don't need to know how to land."  Apparently, they didn't think they might need to know how to take off either. Would this be a case of "premature hijak-ulation" maybe? Gotta hate it when that happens ;->

Vic850 wrote:
Subject: response to mystery animal
Mystery animal posted in reader mail last week was a sea cucumber. The cucumber is an echinoderm, in the same grouping as starfish and sea urchins.

Looks more like a see artichoke than a cucumber... -Orsm

Paul wrote:
Subject: excel password
Hi, are you sure there arent more than one correct answer to the clues??? cause I got 74559 and it wont open the file! Seems like it fits to me.

Completely forgot about this last week. A few people solved it but plenty didn't. The correct answer is: 74658. -Orsm

Michael wrote:
Subject: funny picture
Hiho, this "forbidden things in this bar" - sign was hanging at the hotel in Phnom Penh, Cambodia during my visit in March 2008. I hope you like it ^^. Thx for posting my last pic. Have fun

I can understand no dogs or shorts but how is anyone supposed to go clubbing without a hand grenade...? It doesn't make sense. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Electrical connection
Dear Mr. ORSM, Something I found amusing in Port Louis, Mauritius. Some street vender organized himself a temporary connection from the main city feed and even installed a breaker for safety.
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Merv wrote:
Subject: Stupid liverpudliens
Hi from the UK, While visiting the in-laws in Liverpool on Sunday (27th April) we took a stroll through Seftan Park and noticed the graffiti scrawled on the boards of the glass house, don't get me wrong I'm all for airing your political views, but Fer-fucks sake you stupid ignorant illiterate scouse liverpudlien tossers, LEARN TO SPELL!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sign
I'm sure you must get alot of funny sign pics but I thought this one took alot of balls to do. It's right beside one of the busiest streets in Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada. Keep up the great work. Thursday is my favorite day of the week! Please hide my email and name.
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Spot the difference in the 2 photos - Its difficult I gave up !!
I've spent ages on this. Spot the differences in the 2 photos - It's so difficult I gave up !!

Couldn't spot any...? I suck at these things. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: sumthing for your stash
This dickhead with trannies in the tub. Post this on the internet and let his mother see this... Hide me deetails please ... Thanx

No question about that one on the left... -Orsm

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Vothros wrote:
Subject: Liquor Store
I'm from Boston, MA. I love your site - I check in daily. This is a Liquor Store off the highway. What a riot! Keep up the great work!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Zimbabwe Holiday Inn Menu Prices
Dear Orsm, Whilst our mate President Mugabe denounces the world that everyone barring himself and the Chinese (who cant even get guns to him anymore) are evil - it is reassuring to know that at the Harare Holiday Inn nothing appears to be wrong at all - that is until you receive the menu....
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Benji wrote:
Subject: Breast implants - on a tattoo!
Brian Decker of Pure Body Arts was doing a guest spot at Lane's shop in Edmonton, and they put a set of silicone "breast" implants underneath a tattoo on Lane's leg, bringing it into the third dimension. The procedure was quick, and everything was done inside 45 minutes from the first incision to suturing it up.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: M
the X. how do u like that, dont tell my details please orsm.

Jesus... -Orsm

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Sami wrote:
Subject: Karratha car flip
this is a recent car flip in Karratha - we reckon it was pushed into the drain. and note the gorgeous skies - the pics were taken yesterday :) you wonder why I love it up here?!
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Don wrote:
Subject: Spillway images taken by Norco Louisiana By New Orleans
I'm not sure how familiar you are with geography in the US. In any event, the Mississippi River becomes dangerously high on average about once a decade. To avoid swamping New Orleans (again), a set of needles are lifted from a dam called the Spillway. This allows millions of gallons of river water to bypass the river and empty into Pontchartrain which empties into the Gulf of Mexico. The water is super nasty (and fresh) and kills most of the fish, crabs, and other sea life in the salty lake. In any event, I thought you might want to share them with your readers.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of my ex wifes snatch
orsm, these are pics i took of my ex wife kelly! please put them on your site for all to see, she was a bitch and deserves everyone to see her snatch! please leave out my details, but her name is kelly, and she lives in ny! thank you!
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Cal k wrote:
Subject: amazing
cant take credit for these... matter of fact i have no idea who she is but look at those fucking hooters~!

Seen worse. -Orsm

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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, "Watch this." He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "That's pretty cool," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb..."


Dear Diary, for my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

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At a hotel function last week, my mate needed to pay a visit to the loo, so he found the toilet down a corridor. On walking inside he saw that it had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked, so he went into the other, one, closed the door, dropped his trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to him, "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although thinking that it was a bit strange, he didn't want to be rude, so replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, he heard the voice again, "So, what are you up to?"

Again he answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick poo... errr... how about yourself?"

The next thing he heard him say was... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

This weeks RS is good for so many reasons... and bad for just as many. Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" "No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes", he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?" "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before." "I know", he said, "but the darts team hadn't"!

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One fine afternoon two old chaps, Bill and Dave, suffering from Alzheimer's, are sitting on a bench at their rest home when a Mr. Whippy ice-cream van comes down the street.

"Do you want one?" asks Bill. "Yes, I'll have a cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget" answers Dave. "No I won't" said Bill. "Look, I want a cone with a flake, and I know you'll forget, so write it down" said Dave. "Listen, I won't forget" said Bill, getting slightly irritated.

"OK then, look. I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget" said Dave. Bill begins to get quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget. Dave says irritably "I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so BLOODY WRITE IT DOWN you old git!"

Bill, now really annoyed, storms off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie. Dave looks at him and says "Where's my fucking chips?!"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50!" the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50!"

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead!"

So he slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't," she says. "I was behind you at McDonalds..."

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Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered.

He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells Morris that it will be two years to the exact week.

The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"

The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.

Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief!" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning!"


Alright forks down. Please wait at least half an hour before going in the pool otherwise you'll get a cramp and drown.

- Check out the site archives. Check out the site archives. Check out the site archives. Check out the site archives.
- Next update will be next Thursday... if not it will definitely be no later than the day before Friday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will spike your drink with GHB. He'll then drag you off to a tattoo parlour we're they'll draw a huge X on your back with the words 'CUM TARGET' written underneath before dumping you outside a gay bar. Don't fuck with Ray - he's a spiteful cunt when you don't do what I say...
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and re-think your 48th drink. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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