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May 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.05.31-20.24
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Welcome to Orsm.net. The little things... there's nothing bigger is there?

It's a small miracle that this update made deadline. This has been fucking crazy week full of highs and lows with much going on. I've fallen asleep at the computer the last three nights in a row and pathetic as that may be I don't really see shit quietening down any time soon and I'm actually cool with that. May be that the one month countdown to holidays has begun... actually yes it's definitely that. This is going to be the longest 28 days ever.

It's been an overtly car-centric week for a number of reasons. We'll start with Friday which kicked off with exercise, a chiro session and coffee. From there I went off to test drive some cars intertwined with swinging past the mechanics who did my last service. Not only did they do a superbly shitty job on the stuff I asked them to fix, they also put a hole on the roof. No idea how that was achieved but the battle is now to get them to admit and pay for it. Continued on with the test drives and looks like a decision may finally have been reached. Funny thing is I had no intentions of upgrading at least for a few months but events which would follow may have escalated the timetable. But I'll get to that. Also a note to car salesmen - if you're a douchebag, arrogant, smug, inattentive, passive aggressive, condescending, annoying or can't answer my questions I'm not going to buy anything from you no matter how good the deal is. I'll make sure my mates don't either.

Saturday morning was mine to do as I pleased... and entirely not at all. Chiro [yes again] then home to collect the dog for a vet visit. She's now on heart meds which are ridiculously expensive and she'll need to be on them for the rest of her life. Oh and they also make her incontinent. Next up was the dog wash and eventually home for all of two minutes before heading out to hit the sales and find some winter clothes. I've shrunken out of pretty much every single item of clothing that got me through the cold months last year and with a trip to the freezing east coming up, I had to bite the bullet. Stayed in for a cook up that night. Stuffed capsicums were nom. Witness them in all their glory here.

A quiet morning Sunday morning at home was spent trying to make the computer work after an automatic update went haywire and stopped it from booting [on ya Microsoft], we took off tojoin the fam for some dim sum. Bloody good except for the almost hour long wait to get in. Next stop was the markets to load up on veg for an afternoon soup off intertwined with watching the football derby [suck shit Dockers]. My minestrone versus the GF's pumpkin. Obviously mine was better but please don't tell anyone I said that...

Speaking of the GF - Tuesday was our one year anniversary and, amazing guy that I am, ducked out at lunchtime to grab some flowers. There's a shitty Chinese market adjoining a large shopping centre near home. Long story short they have good flowers. So got in there, chose flowers, killed a few minutes walking around whilst on the phone, finished, jumped in the car to exit the car park and BAM! As I turned a corner looking right for oncoming traffic, I collided head on with another car. Thankfully it was low speed and airbags didn't deploy but the bumper and bonnet are all fucked up. His old car - not a scratch. This is the crash I've been waiting for and whilst I'd sworn to kill or maim the next person to hit me, I have no idea who's at fault - I went around a corner and hit another car BUT the he was on the wrong side of the road. Sweet old dude too. He was going to the market to gather lettuce leaves from the bins for his rabbits. Impossible to get angry at that. Anyway I'm yet to report to my insurance but sounds like this is their problem to sort out. As for the car - five years of absolutely trouble free use and suddenly shit starts breaking, the mechanics break it, I have an accident and can only imagine what's coming next. The writing it seems is on the wall for my baby.

Alright let's wind the banter up and get on with the update I can only describe as 'nothing short of exceptional'. Check it...

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Awesomeness - Stupid Myths - Porn Experiment - Teen Fucked - Can You Say...? - Epic Ass - Go Topless - Pole Yourself

Pwnd Saudi's - Kardash Nip - Nerdy Babe - Surprise!! - Oww My Eyes!! - Oily Lezzers - Smooooth - Such Kindness

LOVE Her - God Damn - Naked Pizza - Dyke Fight - Pedo Busted - Crack Ho - Pussy Lover - The Classics - Fucked Face

I saw a black man standing in my back garden this morning. I opened the window and said "What are you doing, mate?" "Sorry" he said, "I thought you was in Spain?" "No" I replied. "I leave at 6am tomorrow". "Okay" he said, jumping over the fence. "Have a lovely time". "Will do" I smiled. What a nice guy.
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral a voice from inside screams:  "I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, the paperwork's already done"
"I've got a penis and a knife. One of them is going in you. You choose".
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir" he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die".
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound and didn't leave the house for 5 years. It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.



-On arrival to the airport in the UK, when asked to present their passports, some ladies found themselves in a sticky situation as they claimed they were not reminded to bring their passports and thought that they didn't need them.

-On a trip to the Canary Islands, a lady who took her family of four on holiday put in a complaint about their beach experience. She claimed that, due to the warm weather, the sand was too hot and her children could not walk down to the sea for a swim.

-We had taken a two-day coach trip from Sousse (in Tunisia) to the Sahara with stops off in various places en route. At Matmarta we pulled into a small hotel for lunch. We were served couscous and were just about to start our meal when a lady sitting at the next table proclaimed in a loud voice "What's the foreign rubbish? I'm not eating that stuff. What do you think you are doing? Bring me some real food, I'll have an omelette, now, and hurry up". I didn't know where to look as I folded up with laughter. By the way the couscous was wonderful.

-A man who went to the Costa del Sol complained that there was too much food to eat from the buffet in his all-inclusive hotel. As a result, he put on 'at least 5lbs' during his trip, which he wasn't too pleased about.

-"The disappointment telling the children that the reindeer could not fly was incredible… you must state this clearly in your brochure in future!"

-Another male tourist, this time on holiday in Majorca, claimed that the number of bikini-clad women on the beach caused a fall-out between him and his wife, as he was caught ogling them 'on more than one occasion'.

-I had an old chap from Canada when I worked at the Grand in Brighton complaining furiously that it was absolutely disgusting for us not to give out steak knives with the steak. I had to remain professional as possible, but finally had to point out to him that he was having duck...

-A couple who had spent two weeks in Marmaris in Turkey said that their holiday had been a disappointment because there were 'too many English people around' and the main reason they went to Turkey in the first place was to experience somewhere 'more exotic'.

-An American lady tourist visiting the amphitheatre at Ephesus, Turkey, said: "If this had been built in America they would have at least put an elevator in".

-One man said he was unhappy about the fact that he had not been able to fully enjoy his holiday to Portugal. His hotel bed was 'too comfy' meaning that he overslept on more than one occasion when he would have 'preferred to be up early and making the most of it'.

-At Machu Picchu I encountered a British tourist arguing with the entrance staff demanding a refund for his entry fee. His complaint, "There are too many clouds around the surrounding mountains".

-A group of young adults who had travelled to Ayia Napa in Cyprus claimed that the 24 hour reception in their hotel made them feel like they were being 'judged' for returning back to their room late, despite the resort being renowned for partying and late nights.

-From a renters of a luxury villa in Florida: "There is somebody living in the attic and he has poisoned the food in the freezer. We want it replaced".

-Another male holidaymaker claimed his fear of heights had prevented him from enjoying his flight to Mauritius. 

-An American couple had travelled to the north of Norway to see the midnight sun, but as they stood there they complained that it was the same sun as home in America and wanted their money back!

-Finally, a man who had been with his wife to Bulgaria said that the couple in the room next door had been loud in their lovemaking, which subsequently made him feel 'pressured' into initiating sex with his own wife.

-A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel 'inadequate'.

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After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting... no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc etc.

Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.


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Aussie Prime minister Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England. She asked her "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well" said the Queen" the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people".

Julia frowned, and then asked "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle".

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send David Cameron in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said "Yes, your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said "Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me". "Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Julia went back home to Australia and asked her deputy Wayne Swan the same question. "Wayne, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure" said Wayne. "Let me get back to you on that one".

He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognised Tony Abbott's shoes in the next stall. Wayne asked "Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Tony yelled back "That's easy, it's me!"

Wayne smiled and said "Thanks!" before rushing back to speak with Julia.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Tony Abbott!" Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face "No, you idiot! It's David Cameron!"

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An elderly couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks "What can I do for you?" The man says "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes the doctor says "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse". He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The man says "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

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If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. Juuuuuuuust click here and make it all happen.

Jd wrote:
Subject: The cop who bribed me!!!!!!!!!!!!
Firstly, I must say: "Hats off to the police who still serve and protect!" Both my brother-in-law and sister worked in the force when they died on their way to work a few years back. Well, my story is about revenge on the rotten mongrels that wears uniforms and pretends to be metro police.

I was driving to the bank on Monday afternoon to drop off contracts when I got pulled over. "Sêr, dis is a routeeen check, so I'm gonna ênspect your ca." Now, my car has just about enough electronics to report a field-mouse fart two kilometres away but I thought I'd humour the sucker. The indicators indicated, the brake lights... Well you get the idea... Then he looked at my licence disk: "Sêr, You are aware that your licence, she expired 30 June?" I'm like no...30 June is still to come.

By now I'm convinced this little bugger is looking at me like an ATM on payday morning in my rather large imported sedan. Now he gets to my window and asks for my licence, He walks back to his car with a colleague sporting the fatty-KFC-I-cannot-use-a-napkin-face; to come back and say: "Eish! We have a problem!"

Now knowing I do not have any fines outstanding I thought, what the hell, indulge me. "Sêr, there's a fine that I can detain you for. She's not on the system, but my station she's bringing it." By now I wanted to start laughing at the world's obvious single surviving brain donor, but still played it cool. So I asked what one can do in such a situation.

"Eish, you know da force she does not pay too good. We're hungry and the kids." Oh, Yadda-yadda... So, I asked how much? R1000! You can guess my next words of thought. But, in the mischievous mood I was in, I said OK, but I do not have the cash and my bank card is at work. "Dats fine, I'll come with you and you can bring me back."

I took the scenic route from Fourways, on the Highway the beautiful views of Northcliff passed the cemetery and once in Melville I started to imply that I work for a newspaper and we're on our way to their offices in Auckland Park. (And no, I do not have any affiliation to a news agency.) But this was enough to get constable "Arse-Wipe" extremely uncomfortable. "No, sêr, I made da mistake... Please drop me at the robot." I keep on driving and asked: "What about the petrol money I wasted driving here?

Soon, he pulled out a R100 and asked for change. I said I did not have any, remember we're still on the way to get to my money? He complained not having taxi fare as I dropped him off at Campus Square. So, if by any chance you saw a metro cop trying to hitch a ride north: "I owned that bitch!" Did I report it to the cops? No, what will the use be. I think his lesson is learnt!

Brilliant. -Orsm

Jay wrote:
Subject: Ballerina pictures
Hey Orsm. I saw your gallery of the ballerina pics and thought I would share a few more with ya. Her name is Jessica Conseco. She's a MLB (Major League Baseball) players wife. Jose Conseco. She was, and still may be into ballet. Here is a link and some of her pics to drool over.

Ian wrote:
Subject: My meat loaf is fucken mwah.....
Hey Mr orsm. Love the site check every friday without failure. Had a go but mine didn't turn out so pretty. 1kg of bacon 1kg of mince cooked in jack Daniels. 1kg of shredded cheese salami mushrooms and onions. Took a fair bit to eat it all..... But we managed. Keep up the good work.

It's not often I masturbate to food but..... -Orsm

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Spotter wrote:
Subject: Emailing: Alice Springs School System.
Hey there Mr Orsm, usual story, keep it going. Seen these signs at a school in the Alice, looks like no second chances, though it would save on time and money. When i went to school we just used to get the cane. Keep up the good stuff.

Well it's Alice Springs afterall... they should get some credit for being proactive. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: School bus
Found this on facebook, can't claim it as my find. Back of bus in NZ. Don't show my email pls. Chur.

School administrators have finally given up. -Orsm

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joe wrote:
Subject: AFL Team selection
FOR DIE-HARD AFL FANS..... pissed myself laughing at this and, yes i do have a tooth missing..

Very very accurate. -Orsm

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Durby wrote:
Subject: Saw these at a biker party
Saw these at a biker party in New York.

Biker moles. Blerg! -Orsm

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Brad wrote:
Subject: hole
If you are going to get a hole in your stocking that is the place to get it

Ambiguous. Is it for easier peeing or easier penile entry...? -Orsm

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Shags wrote:
Subject: Check This Out
This is weird! Stare at this pic carefully and you will see this man turn his face. Share this with your friends, if you saw him turn his head
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justin wrote:
Subject: Amazing!!!!
Dog With One Green Eye & One Red Eye. This cute little dog has one green eye and one red eye.

Dog? -Orsm

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Shags wrote:
Subject: grizzly attack
Man survives grizzly bear attack, using just a small calibre Beretta pistol....

It just goes to show that a well-timed shot can make all the difference. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: mild smut
A website for Employee sex in a toilet? Snigger. Withheld my details as normal please.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: We braai like sissies, compared to these guys!
This is for 1200 People. Regards

Room for one more? -Orsm

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Michael wrote:
Subject: Purchasing or Leasing - which is better?
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Many people cannot decide which is cheaper - purchasing or leasing. We'd like to help you decide by illustrating two charming stories of foolish men and cunning women.

click for gallery

xitz wrote:
Subject: Marilyn Monroe Statue in Chicago

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Doak wrote:
Subject: Emailing
photography of OUR Troops In Country

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justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing

Who has time to think this stuff up? -Orsm

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Brett wrote:
Subject: Accident dave 2
Hi The amazing Mr Orsm, Thought you might like to see this new Vid of mine and maybe post it on your site if you think its worthy. Stay Cool. [Youtube link here]

Episode 1 can be found here for anyone who missed it. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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A young law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"
Student: "Okay so I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an A.
Professor: "Hmmmm alright. What's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an A as agreed and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an A, which is nether legal, nor logical".

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LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.


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Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher  asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money".

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him "Is that really true about your father?" "No" said David "He plays for the Fremantle Dockers but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids".

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A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand.  "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked mum. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away".

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" whined the little one.

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed parent. "I once heard the babysitter say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!"


Well that brings us to the end although you'll probably want to read this last bit...

-Check out the site archives. Free candy!
-Next update will be next Thursday. That's the plan anyway. Don't hold me to it though.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put on all your pants whilst not wearing underwear.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep it creepy. Bitches love that. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.05.24-19.29
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Welcome to two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

Thursdaaaay. In case you were wondering - with the upping of this update my work week is pretty much over which means my spirits are higher than something that's really high. That said, I absolutely will have shit to do tomorrow but the pressure of hitting deadline is hereby over.

I'm just going to swing straight in to a thorough wrap of what's been going on over my way. Why? Oh didn't you get the email? The one where I said it's my website and I'll write whatever I like and if you don't like it... you can scroll down for the content.

Friday was the start of a ridiculously hectic three days. The other half had booked the weekend solidly for a worthy cause - her birthday. Basically there were three main events, each with a different circle of friends. But we'll get to that. The morning kicked off with exercise then more chiropractic abuse. Have been at it for about a month now and this is the first time in years I haven't been sore somehow/somewhere. Almost a strange feeling - think I got so used to being in pain all the time that it just becomes normal. Next was a brief sojourn to the travel agent and finally signoff on the very, very, very protracted travel plans. Won't rehash again because believe me it will be covered in greater detail come October. Something fo you guys to look forward to right? From there were a bunch of errands and tasks that warrant no dedication of space on a page suffice to say birthday present was sourced, flowers acquired, grocery items procured and favours completed.

Left the house around 5ish to head to a bar just outside the CBD. We'd been there a few weeks back for breakfast and it fucking sucked. I figured that a bar which opened for the morning crowd was just trying to make some extra bucks and kind of excused them for it however the after work drinks and dinner service was a very thorough lesson on how to make people never come back again. This of course isn't Urban Spoon though so I'll move on to the highlight of the night - the cab ride home. Firstly, the 10 minute trip cost $28. No wonder people drink and drive. Secondly, the f-tard cab driver managed to cut some guy in a 4wd off to the point even I wanted to punch him. What followed was a demonstration of incredibly aggressive driving - he got in front of us, jammed on brakes, blocked us at traffic lights and swerved all over the road. The cabbie meanwhile said this has happened to him before but he wasn't sure why. "Drivers are crazy". Mr White Pathfinder on Hay Street last Friday night - you made my day.

Began Saturday early for I'm not sure why, and after collecting the GF's vehicle from where we were the night before, it was off to coffee up at a café that's opened up near home. Believe me I was as shocked as anyone that it was actually pretty good. Next stop - Nissan. Inspired by the getting home incident the night previous I added Nissans to the list of prospective new rides. It was homeward from there to take in various happy birthday-wishers and mostly just hang out. A bigger, drunker, colder night kicked off around 7 marking the inaugural scarf wearing for the year. Dinner at a suburban pizza bar with much red wine consumed before being dropped at the nearest pub to home to carry on. Everything gets a bit hazy from that point. I remember chatting with my bestie, throwing my wallet across the room to the GF to get us drinks and staggering home. Also recall almost falling through the bedroom window and then almost through the glass wardrobe door trying to get undressed. Great night.

Woke up feeling not all that bad the next day. That changed quickly requiring vast quantities of Red Bull and aspirin to recover from what had the makings of an epic hangover. Thankfully the day's activities included little more than sitting at a riverside restaurant eating, chatting and avoiding anything alcoholic. All up a pretty awesome weekend. Can I have another one please?

Alright enough. Let us proceed with an update that -in my opinion- comes fucking close to rivalling the extravaganza that was last week. It's good enough that I'd be surprised if anyone makes it to the bottom without molesting themselves at least a couple of times. Check it...

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Like A Drug - Smashing Vinyl - Sofia Vegara - Loading Ball Larry - Now You See It - Moolionairs? - Lez Centipedes

Miley Side Boob - So Random - Such A Cutie - I'm Late!! - No Shame - Awkwarrrd - Sweet 18 - Ballerinas - BJ Fails

Messed Up - Owned Bitch - Great GF - Kelly Brook - Very Big Tits - Emo Babe - Real Deal - No Vaj - Tweet This!!

How come all paedophiles look pretty much the same? Big beard, glasses, greasy hair... what is it about that look that kids find so attractive?
I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives. Best call was from the guy who called his wife 'Harvey Norman'. Why...? No interest for 48 months.
"So if Robin Gibb is dead, who will sing "Staying Alive"?
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger
Every time my wife and I want to have sex, we have to say the code word 'washing machine'. 'The other night I leant over to her in bed and said "Washing machine". She said "Sorry babes, I'm too tired, maybe tomorrow". After 10 minutes she felt guilty so she turned over, and whispered in my ear "Washing machine". I said, "Sorry love, it was only a small load so I did it by hand".
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them. Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies". Susie said "I know they do... that's why I hide them in my backpack!"



If nothing else, he was talented.
Surprisingly, this is a common cause of plane crashes.
No, really? Ya think?
Sounds uncomfortable.
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Let's hope he can do it!
I'm pretty sure there's a law against that.
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
If all else fails...
I can see where it might have that effect!
Probably shouldn't have been standing there.
Ya think?!
Sharing is caring.
Who would have thought!
Long past due in my opinion.
Poor vision blamed.
They may be on to something!
How dare they!?
That's how politics works isn't it?
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? Oklahoma's new construction program!
Well it's not something you should rush. First time should be special right?
He probably IS the battery charge!
He is human after all.
Are they going to dig him up...?
Weren't they fat enough?!
Can't be greedy about these things.
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
Poor Bill.
Poor little ship.
Do they taste like chicken?
Old habits die hard I guess.
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
A bit harsh maybe...
Boy, are they tall!
I didn't even realise the tree was looking.
Can you still eat them...?
Did I read that right?
Where do I get one??

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A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language please! This is God's house" replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called" says the priest. "Oh" says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker" says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says "You know what? You cunts are alright".


Click for more awesomeness

A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woken him. "We're sorry," the monks said, "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.

The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...

But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk!

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Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $250".

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2pm Friday.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2pm on the dot and, after paying Sue the agreed sum, went to the bedroom and closed their transaction. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm and upon arriving, asked his wife "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked "Did he give you $250?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied "Well, yes, in fact he did". Les, with a satisfied look on his face, continued "Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay me back".

click for gallery

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If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. Juuuuuuuust click here and make it all happen.

Ronnie wrote:
Subject: who wants a gob video
Hello, Just saw the video and decided to see if there was any trouble the girls took for doing the video. Seems they got booted from school but the article doesn't say how long. Have a good one eh

Joke or not, can only imagine the girls parents reaction upon seeing the video. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: How The Fuck?
Hi, Mr Orsm. Here you can find how it's done. Please hide my details. Greetings from The Netherlands.

xitz wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Proud Father!

I would call it being practical but that's not what's going on here... -Orsm

click to enlarge

xitz wrote:
Subject: Labor Party Genius!
Could this be a Labor Party Genius!! Finally Labor has somebody that can organise a root in a brothel.

This won't make any sense to any non-Aussies but full marks have been awarded for being topical and clever. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: RM1.50
Rapper 50 Cent is known as RM 1.50 in Malaysia.

They're actually devaluing him. At todays rates it's more like USD $0.477555. Damn Greek crisis! -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Handicapped Ferrari
This Ferrari was parked straddling two handicapped spaces at Northstar Mall in San Antonio, Tx. The car did not display a handicap mirror tag or license plate so I presume it's just another rich arrogant prick with no respect for the law or handicapped needs.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: crap parking
here is a photo of some crap parking for you to stick in Random Shite or stick it in Readers Mail or you could Stick it up your arse for all I care. Hide my details.
click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: Pass it on.
Mr. Orsm. Here's another version of the Time cover. Cheers!
click to enlarge

Dave wrote:
Subject: McDonalds New Menu Item
Saw this on the scrolling marquee at a Mickey D's in Reed City Michigan.

I'll pass. Heard it's bad for guys. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Colin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Same Surgeon ???
click to enlarge
psycheman wrote:
Subject: photoshopped or not
Mr. Orsm, I'm going to send you some pics that might be photoshopped. Guess your fans will have to decide. Cheers!
click to enlarge

uwe wrote:
Subject: nice car
hey mr orsm, THIS is ORSM. just waitin for the night to take the highway to hell.. greets from germany

Me like. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Whore Ex Photos
Hey, I have been enjoying your site for years and finally have something to contribute. Enjoy these photos of my slut ex. Please with hold my info.

Meh. -Orsm

click for gallery

Carsten wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Funny cards

Have recieved these a few dozen times so here you guy's go... -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: FA cup
I thought you might like to show your update how Perth celebrated Chelsea's FA cup win

Just about every time you go past she is dressed differently. Typical bloody woman. -Orsm

click for gallery

joe wrote:
Subject: Emailing
AFL memes

This one mostly for the Aussies too.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Here are some pictures of a ex gf from a couple of years back.. Enjoy! Please keep details private. like the site too...
click for gallery
Hank wrote:
Subject: racing at Knockhill Scotland 06 05 12
A few race shots from Knockhill Scotland on the 6th of may 2012. thanks again
click for gallery

Jd wrote:
Subject: Ultimate MAN dinner!!!
Nom nom nom nom ...... This would be nice, I would skip the bacon ... Like all the other ingredients ... Mmmmm – yummie ... LOL...

Epic. No other word for it. I must create one of these delicacies. -Orsm

click for gallery
Cathloser wrote:
Subject: Men in films
This is an incredibly clever piece of work wherein about 100 male film stars from the 1920s to the current day are morphed from one picture to the next. You haven't got long on each one so how many can you name?
click to watch video
Tony wrote:
Subject: Thick quiz contestants
Hi mate, Your collection of stupid quiz answers reminded me of this beauty. This was a regular Sunday programme on BBC Radio Merseyside (Liverpool) in the 1980s, called "Hold Your Plums". Presenter Billy Butler specialised in finding incredibly thick bastards and taking the piss out them mercilessly. This was one of many that had me and my mates rolling on the floor.
click to watch video

A wrote:
Subject: Show this!!
Hi again, please show my bird teasing me on the couch. More to come!!!

What a good girl. -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, that's really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "He will get over it" and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.

After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.

The father screams "What the fuck are you doing?" The boy replies "It's not so funny when it's your mum, is it!?"

click for gallery

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man an Accountant, the third a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat "T-square, do your stuff". T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff". CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers comp, went home for the rest of the day on sick leave... AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!


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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person "HHow much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?" The salesperson answers "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

Amazed, the father asks "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs and answers "Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls".

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A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 2' strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy Bob finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look real good, but we have what you might call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son".

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six sex offenders and a rabbit". "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude. You pass!" says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"


And I am totally fucking done. Woooo. Okay maybe a slight overreaction but it's cold and I'm hungry. SO....

-Check out the site archives or you'll give you the AIDS.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It's a sure thing [like your sister].
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will embroil you in a huge scandal whereby you're accused of misusing Craig Thomson's credit card to hire prostitutes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and blast this from the past. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.05.17-19.42
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Jotdogg has king kong balls.

Having kind of an awesome week and what's more, it's been almost entirely interruption and annoyance free. I've managed to get a crapload of work done, my back and muscles finally stopped being always sore, decreased the pile of emails awaiting response, exercised three out of the last four days, spent time with numerous friends and fam, finally booked the motherfucking October overseas trip, Foo Fighters cranked and even had a few spare minutes to indulge some passions. Srsly - I wish every week was like this. I'd have no qualms about sitting at the computer 16 hours a day if there was more of balance. Of course it hasn't been all rainbows and lollipops though... my feet are literally cold as fuck. #firstworldproblem

Alright I vote for me to keep on talking about me. Anyone who disagrees speak up now? Anyone who has a better idea speak up now? No one...? Okay sweet. So let's start with the very moment last week's update went live then.

Babysitting. Yeah... that's right. The second time anyone has ever trusted me to look after their kids. Friends had a thing on for a couple of hours so we were called in to supervise. Not really all that hard. Give baby a bottle and place in cot, leave room quietly, put older two to bed, watch TV. All went well, no one died and I successfully used my delegation skills to change a horrendously soiled nappy.

Friday was insane. Early start to drop the GF at work then straight to the chiro for what can only be described as a brutal, nay violent, adjustment. My groans were met with amusement, his amusement was met with a "I like you but fuck you". As I was driving out of the car park the phone rang, a mate had seen me go by and called me back for a coffee. Get out of the car and spot male parent there too. All a bit random. Next was to visit my sicky niece and then coastward for a long overdue catch up with a friend. More coffee. A grocery gathering expedition then took place as did checking my Powerball tickets from the mega draw and I was overjoyed to see the "Winner - do you wish to see the amount?" message appear both times. No doubt my body language quickly changed to express a 'catch you fuckers later' emotion. It was short-lived however. Almost broke even and never been so happy to get almost all my money back. Quickly stopped past home to unload foodstuffs and immediately headed back out the door to see another friend for even more coffee. From there it was homeward to feed the mutt, a clothes change and out for after work drinks in the city. Had every intention of getting drunk that night. Matter of fact I can't remember the last time I smashed. Sad and pathetic I know. Anyway the plan was to drive in, get boozed up and the other half drive home. Unfortunately the other half had made a start therefore depriving me of a hangover. Nonetheless it beats what we usually do on a Friday night, namely food acquisition. Hadn't realised how grown up and gay it was that this had become the norm but with such a ridiculously busy year it's usually the only time we both have. This fact did little to alleviate the [much deserved] mocking when it leaked out though.

The first half of Saturday was mine to do as I please and it was begun the day with a couple of hours washing car. Once my baby was back to shiny awesomeness [and in the wake of a nasty servicing bill] I took off to scout the perspective next vehicle. Goal was to find something greener, smaller and cheaper to run. That's the easy part but absolutely no idea how I'll my ego will cope with something that doesn't have eight cylinders and oversized wheels. The past week caught up to me that afternoon so confined myself to light duties around the house recharging. That night, more babysitting, this time for different friends. Could not have been easier - mummy put child to bed and left... didn't hear a peep after that. Thus far I'm making child minding my bitch and if Orsm should suddenly end, at least I'll have be able to find work. Ex-pornographer babysitter at your service.

Mother's Day Sunday. Based on previous experiences I decided to get ahead of the game and nominate my house for breakfast. Masterstroke really - took away the angst that comes with trying to organise a café or whatever that suits everyone, or rather a place no one has an issue with. So it was up early again to start cooking some shit ahead of the fam rolling around. Friends dropped by somewhere in the middle and we were all clear by lunchtime-ish. Rest of the day - cooking. Wanted to whip up a soup I'd not attempted before. Needless to say it was frickin' incredible, calories were ingested and all consumers were satisfied. And that boys and girls was more or less it.

Okay we shall now move on with our lives. I quite often write something here about how amazing this week's update is and whilst it's always true, the big guns have been brought out today. Had a fucking great time sticking this behemoth together, the content kicks ass and you bastards can have your money back if you don't enjoy it. Check it...

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Jnr Vs Snr - Cycling Porn - Facebook Hotties - Pretttty Funny - Penis Torture - Self Facial - Tranny Freak - Mugshots

Ghetto Blowjob - Side Boobie - SloMo Win - Cops Fail - Human...? - Money Shots - Why U Mad? - Anal Art - Celebrate

Fuck U Bitch - Poor Cows - Alexis Titties - I Can't - Negro Nazi - Timberrr - Messy BJ - Lil Caprice - Delivered - Racked

Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks, we went upstairs and while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope that's not that fat one from last week". The girl said "What the fuck was that?" I said "It's that bastard memory foam mattress".
My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I am coming or going". "I said to her "Judging by the look on your face, you're going 'coz when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
My girlfriend was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered. As I got up to walk out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and replied "Make up your mind. Do you want me to stay or go?"
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...



MAX BYGRAVES: Name something people take to the beach
LES DENNIS: Name a topping you'd put on a baked potato?
LES DENNIS: Where is the Taj Mahal?
CONTESTANT: Opposite the dental hospital.
LES DENNIS: Name a bird with a long neck?
CONTESTANT: Naomi Campbell.
LES DENNIS: Name something associated with pigs.
CONTESTANT: The police.
LES DENNIS: Name something red.
CONTESTANT: My cardigan.

ANNE ROBINSON: Name the man who was President of Italy until May 2006.
CONTESTANT: Don Corleone.
ANNE ROBINSON: Complete the title of the well-known play, The Iceman...?
ANNE ROBINSON: What was the sequel to the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer?
CONTESTANT: I Know What You Did Last Winter.
ANNE ROBINSON: What B was a pseudonym used by Charles Dickens?
CONTESTANT: Bart Simpson.
ANNE ROBINSON: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison, or the Conservative Party?
CONTESTANT: The Conservative Party.

EAMONN HOLMES: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
CONTESTANT: Basketball.
QUESTION: What is the world's largest continent?
CONTESTANT: The Pacific.
EAMONN HOLMES: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
CONTESTANT: William Shakespeare.

ULRIKA JONSSON: Who wrote Lord Of The Rings?
CONTESTANT: Enid Blyton.

FERN BRITTON: Which actress starred in Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally?

BOB HOLNESS: What K is a suicide mission for a pilot?

TERRY WOGAN: Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?

SARA COX: Beauty is in the eye of the...?

PRESENTER: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?
CONTESTANT: Leonardo di Caprio.

PRESENTER: Emmental and Double Gloucester are both types of what?

PRESENTER: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?
CONTESTANT: George Bush.

DARREN DAY: What area of Germany is the cake named after, made with chocolate, cream, kirsch and cherries?

PRESENTER: What was Hitler's first name?

JEREMY PAXMAN: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
CONTESTANT: Homosexuals.
JEREMY PAXMAN: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

JAMIE THEAKSTON: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
CONTESTANT: Geography isn't my strong point.
JAMIE THEAKSTON: There's a clue in the title.
CONTESTANT: Leicester.

STEWART WHITE: Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World'?
Contestant: I don't know.
STEWART WHITE: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
STEWART WHITE: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
STEWART WHITE: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
STEWART WHITE: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World'?
CONTESTANT: Frank Sinatra?

ALEX TRELINSKI: What is the capital of Italy?
TRELINSKI: France is another country. Try again.
CONTESTANT: Oh, um, Benidorm.
TRELINSKI: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
CONTESTANT: Sorry, I don't know.
TRELINSKI: Just guess a country then.

DJ MARK: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
CONTESTANT: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

BAMBER GASCOYNE: What was Gandhi's first name?

PRESENTER: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
CONTESTANT: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL: What's 11 squared?
CONTESTANT: I don't know.
PHIL: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
CONTESTANT: Is it five?

RICHARD: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
CONTESTANT: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
RICHARD: He makes bread...
RICHARD: He makes cakes...
CONTESTANT: Kipling Street?

PRESENTER: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
CONTESTANT: Barcelona.
PRESENTER: I was really after the name of a country.
CONTESTANT: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

PRESENTER: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
CONTESTANT: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

STEVE LE FEVRE: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
CONTESTANT: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
CONTESTANT: Err well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth... err... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE: In which European country is Mount Etna?
CALLER: Japan.
CHRIS SEARLE: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
CALLER: Err... Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM: In which country would you spend shekels?
DARYL DENHAM: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
CONTESTANT: Iceland? Ireland ?
DARYL DENHAM: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

PHIL WOOD: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
PHIL WOOD: It's got two syllables... Kor...
PHIL WOOD: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run...
PHIL WOOD: Okay, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...

MELANIE SYKES: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
CONTESTANT: Nostalgia.

WRIGHT: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says "Dark in here". The man says "Yes, it is". Boy "I have a golf ball". Man - "That's nice". Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks". Boy "My dad's outside". Man "Okay, how much?"
Boy "$250".

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Dark in here". Man "Yes, it is". Boy "I have sand wedge". The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?" Boy "$750" Man "Sold".

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy "Grab your wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, "I can't - I sold my ball and sand wedge, Dad". The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy "$1,000". The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess".

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says "Dark in here". The priest says "Don't start that shit with me again..."


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-thru ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender'.

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for a present. "I'd like to be eight again" she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and huge bag of M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.  He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!"

The moral of the story: even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

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The influx of email over the last week had a lot to do with why I fell asleep in front of the computer last night. Not because it was boring - more to do with the sheer volume and time it took to sort through, clean up and decide what will actually make todays update. That in mind I have some words for you guys: keep it coming!

If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. Juuuuuuuust click here and make it all happen.

justin wrote:
Subject: Calling all Roadrunner cartoon fans!
Awseome :) Much better than the crap they call cartoons on tv these days!! This is an absolute classic. BEEP BEEP! Finally a new Roadrunner cartoon. This is the first one done with computer graphics. Lots can be done with computer graphics that would be far more expensive to do in drawn animation. For instance....... note the reflection in the stainless tanker as it speeds past the rock-face. The computer graphics look good! And it still has that old Roadrunner fun. Only 3 minutes, but it's 3 minutes of fun!

Gordon wrote:
Subject: Incredible Predator
Osprey The Ultimate Fisher. I've never seen a bird shake water off like a dog does - wouldn't want to get in the way of him when he's got his eyes locked and his talons in the "load" position! There are 3 sequences in this one video: 1st sequence he catches half a dozen fish in one strike. 2nd sequence he plunges talons into deep water right to the bottom to grab his prey. 3rd sequence he captures a big old fat fish that looks as if it weighs more than he does!

Subject: the previous owners of my vehicle
bought a used Focus, here's what fell out from behind the glove box while cleaning.

They're all hot. Win. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Cathloser wrote:
Subject: The Dreaded Cane Toad
All I can say is EEWWWWWWWWW!!!!! We breed them big and tough at the water treatment plant at Bedourie QUEENSLANDER!!

Looks more like a baby dinosaur. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: random shite?
First time contributer, long time reader. This ad was seen in the north of Scotland - check out the email address at the bottom.... Please withhold all my details. Cheers mate, great site!

Guess who was severely abused as a child... -Orsm

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Steve wrote:
Subject: Emailing
It's TIME to suck on that Titty
click to enlarge

Anthony wrote:
Subject: Lara Bingle
Lara opening the drapes

This was clearly a publicity stunt for her shitty new reality show. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Kevin wrote:
Subject: Huge cunt
Hey Mr Orsm, I have never seen such a huge cunny before, thought you may find it interesting. cheers

It is indeed a huge cunt. May have been messing with this next guy... -Orsm

click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

psycheman wrote:
Subject: before and after
Mr. Orsm. I've had the first pic for a while, just found the second one. Hopefully the "third one" is out there somewhere showing what that monster looks like after being pumped and removed...

I can't show you the third one because I'm a bit self-conscious. Sorry. -Orsm

peter wrote:
Subject: see photo
Scarey Sand Trap
click to enlarge

Alex wrote:
Subject: her boobs were as big as my head!
just thought id like to share her tits were as big as my head!

Proof that god exists and he wants us to be happy right there. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Shags wrote:
Subject: XY Falcon
Before and after - Lakeside Raceway. Wouldn't it make you cry!!!

Proof that god cannot possible exist right there. How could this to happen otherwise? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hi!.
Here are some pictures of a ex gf from a couple of years back. From a small town namned vetlanda in sweden. Enjoy! Please keep details private
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David wrote:
Subject: Texts from a Dog
Soooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!! If dogs could text....

I LOL'd. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: hi
Hi. just like to say your site has been one of my top sites for years now keep up the brill work. I have noticed there aren't many pee pics in all your lovely collection so thought I could add a few, These are from a very dirty girl that's also on newbienudes as foxymamma, as you can see shes not a shy girl, please display as you wish and if the response it good I can always send some more including videos.......... and please hide my details
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Where's my dog?
Shame, but the mutts a definite goner. Regards

Poor little guy. -Orsm

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sissyjaney wrote:
Subject: my pictures
Mr Orsm. Since the video of me is out there you should have these.

Would love to see you do that to my toilet. Hate crimes are committed against it daily. -Orsm

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Brent wrote:
Subject: Hard To Explain, But Funny!
One of my friends in New Haven, Connecticut, manages to catch this crazy dude walking the streets on a regular basis. I think this guy might be from another planet. If anyone is in the area that would be awesome to get more of this guy.
click for gallery

troy wrote:
Subject: Online dating cumdump
This woman sent me these pictures on text, I doubt i'm the only who saw them that day.

Chubber that knows how to be sexy - the chubby lovers are going to enjoy these. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Check out Fun Day at the Boat Launch
Yup, Probably a couple of BU grads in there.... YEEEEE HA!!! Genny Cream and a 4-wheel drive pick-up! All ya need for fun at the beach! I am confused? There was either too much beer or not enough and what was the guy with the MoPar thinking? Funny to watch.

click to watch video
Mike wrote:
Subject: Reader mail section
G'day ORSM. Thought that you might find this interesting. It's the JCB Dancing Diggers from the 2012 construction machinery show. A few mates and I turned up to the exhibition and caught this show. This's the edited official version now. Love the precision and smoothness of it all, and the fellas and sweet looking lasses that participated in it. Looks awesome to see huge machines with such delicate handling abilities. Cheers.
click to watch video

Brett wrote:
Subject: Accident Dave Episode 1
Hi Mr Awesome Orsm, Thought you may like my latest video and get a laugh. Cheers [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!


Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game. Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says "Mr President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And... the fans would love it!" So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says "If that's what the people want".

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming - and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong. The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH..."

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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little broom!" "IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom.



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A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object. In fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus" he said "The wife says it's okay". I'll paint ya in da nude alright. But I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..."

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Sally and Harry have been married for 50 years and are being interviewed by a reporter from the local newspaper.

"So Sally" asks the reporter "I know today is your golden wedding anniversary, how old, exactly, are you?" "I am 78 years old" replies Sally proudly. "And I hope I live to be 100". "Well I hope your wish comes true" says the reporter.

The reporter then turned to Harry and asked "And how old are you, Harry?" "I'm also 78 years old" replies Harry "and, please God, I should live to be 101". "But why" asked the reporter "would you want to live one year longer than your wife?"

"Well, to tell you the truth" replies Harry "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet".


That's a wrap people but please-please-please read the following. It'll avoid that awkward moment when I have to punch you in the face...

-Check out the site archives. Really, it's the decent thing to do in this situation.
-Next update will be next Thursday although in some areas that may not be the case. Please check your local guide.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will put you in a VERY precarious position.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember no one likes a fuckhead. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.05.10-17.24
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Willkommen bei Orsm.net.

Feel like I've not gone forward nor backward since last we spoke. Just a going through the motions sort of week. Not necessarily a bad thing and things could absolutely be worse so I remain happy, upbeat plus a whole bunch of other words meant to convey a positive theme. There's a lot happening around me and as always I'm not even remotely close to having everything quite under control so let's just segue in to that which has ensued beginning with...

Saturday was supposed to be all about house stuff. This was [of course] hijacked before we could get started in the form of a breakfast for a friend's birthday at a shitty café. Seriously - how hard is it to make some motherfucking eggs taste halfway decent? Break some eggs in a bowl, add milk or cream, salt and pepper, lightly beat, cook. Won't even bother with coffee. Honestly the next chapter in my life after Orsm may very well be food related because with so many shitty cafes around it wouldn't be hard to make a fortune. From there it was recon. Basically we were told to go and see what we like for the new home build. Stuff like taps and tiles. Yawn. Managed to go through a dozen places in quick succession, collect a bunch of brochures and hope to god there isn't too much more of that to come.

Squeezed in a grocery shop before the final architect meeting that afternoon. First time we'd managed to bring all stakeholders together which was a challenge in itself. Thankfully now everyone has signed off and there may start to be some progress. Was more or less exhausted by the time evening rolled around which was a shame because dinner was booked with friends, but less so because wine and ice cream were involved.

Had sweet fuck all planned for Sunday and somehow wound up sat at the computer. "I'll just quickly vacuum them out" I thought to myself. By mid-afternoon I'd managed to do that as well as recover some previously-thought-lost data from an old hard drive. Tonnes of pics and documents I was sure had gone forever after a monumental NAS failure last year. Have crapped on about that one a few times now but long story short - happy days.

Monday was a lesson in inconvenience and profiteering. The power company decided that would be the day they'd reschedule maintenance work in my area "between 8 and 2". But before I get to that... I also had my car booked in for a service. So I left early, dropped car at the mechanics, gave them a list of stuff I wanted fixed/checked, jumped in with the GF, took her to work and went on my merry way in her car. *cough*hopenooneIknowsawmedrivingaHyundai*cough*. Power was still on by the time I got home and hung until the plug was puleld around 10. Only 2 hours late but who's counting right? Actually drove past where they were working and admittedly most of them did look extremely busy standing around holding up shovels and talking.

Spent the next however long visiting my niece, doing some shopping and back home for 2pm only to find a world still plunged into darkness. Colour me surprised. Somewhere in there came the 'tale of woe' call from the mechanics. Almost incredibly they found problems with everything from engine mounts [$600+] to radiator hoses [$120+] to an actuator [$420+] to electrical issues [$700+] to you name it. Funny because the car drives perfectly, works perfectly, does everything perfectly, yet they still managed to quote over $3k worth of shit to fix...? Umm no. Just do the service, stop gouging.

Left again at 3.30 for a chiro adjustment, picked up the GF, collected the car [still drivable - who ever would have thought?] and got home to find the elec finally back on. Will always wonder if the fuckers had started when they said, would they have finished when they said?

Had to make up for an entire day of lost productivity that night so the fact 10 women were crammed into an adjacent room for a Tupperware party wasn't a big deal. Listening to the sales pitch I still just don't get why it's so loved the world over. When cohabitation commenced late last year my fridge went from nearly empty to capacity overnight yet the amount of actual food inside had hardly changed. Why? Because Tupperware is a lie. The promise is your food will be kept fresher for longer therefore reducing how much you waste meaning you can save on grocery bills. [OMG THAT'S AMAZING PLEASE SELL ME A $60 LUNCHBOX!?] Okay so this is all true however where there were once two mushrooms in a paper bag, there's now two mushrooms in an airtight container the size of a VW. You can't fit anything else in the fridge but hey - at least they'll still be edible in a month.

Allllright that should about do it with the blogging. Below is a killer update that I'm particularly happy with that should keep you dudes entertained for a good couple of hours. There's boobs, jokes, videos, Shite plus so much more. It's an everything/nothing orgasm. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Tiny Adventure - Nissan vs Ferrari - Hip Hop Hunnies - Fuck Me - Sent Flying - Hot Or Not? - Nude Beach - Screaming-O

Ariany Celeste - She Taps Out - Weed & BJ - Seinfeld Porn - Nasty Bitches - Ultra Hot Les - Errr What? - Hypnotic

Filthy Act - Fire Burns - Finger-Banged - WTF-ing-Fuck - Big Titties - Drunk Bitches - Hobo Sex - Nude Stretches

A husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a 'phone call' so that the kids will not decode. One day the husband sends his son to tell mum that his dad wants to make a 'phone call'. Mother replies "Tell your dad the network is bad today". Husband replies back "Tell your mother that if there is no network at home, I will go to the 'public phone'". Wife sends the son back "Tell your father that if he goes to the public phone, then then I will open a call centre at home".
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple and asks the guide for details. The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations and are still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 2,503 years old" replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this precise figure. "Easy" replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago".
I'm not saying I'm gifted or anything. But I signed my own birth certificate...
I was on a date when she asked "So what do you do for a living?" "I work in a fudge packing factory" I replied. "Oh I see," she smiled "so you're a fudge packer then?" "I wouldn't say that" I replied. "Oh!" She said, "Why not?" "Cause I'll break your jaw" I replied.
What's the difference between a cricket ball and an Aboriginal chick's pussy? If you tried really hard, you could eat a cricket ball.
"I've got a boyfriend" is a girl's way of saying fuck off and leave me alone. "I've got a girlfriend" is a guy's way of proposing a threesome.



-I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
-When chemists die, they barium.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
-I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
-They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
-PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.
-Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
-We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
-Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
-When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
-Broken pencils are pointless.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
-England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
-I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
-I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
-I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
-Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
-Velcro, what a rip off!
-A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
-Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
-The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
-Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
-When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 
-I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. 
-Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. 
-Corduroy pillows are making headlines. 
-Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome? 
-Sea captains don't like crew cuts. 
-A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. 
-A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour. 
-Without geometry, life is pointless. 
-When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination. 
-Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
-A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. 
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. 
-What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!) 
-A backwards poet writes inverse. 
-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes. 
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 
-He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 
-Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures. 
-What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
-There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
-The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
-Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
-Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
-When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked "Are you two an item?"
-When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
-This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
-A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."
-A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
-Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Hey get out! We don't want your type in here!"

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"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind so either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor". "Okay okay" says the doctor "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there" says Steve "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised". "Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"


Click for more awesomeness

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

What if it doesn't work?

Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informed the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering - what if things don't work out...? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted: "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!  Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer!?"

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On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went off. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice, that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

click for gallery

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If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.

jj jj wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Know of any good phone sex numbers that won't charge you right off the bat so you can get a good wank in before hand? Or any hot milf/gilf's numbers?

Your mum. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge
xitz wrote:
Subject: pitchers
ere we go agen mister orsm, went to me mates 40th last Saturday (You'll never guess his name?? ) Anyway his folks came up with this cake which I thought  good enuff for you to consider wherever. They claimed it was 100% edible, that's right Ice, Esky AND Stubbies, well you should know me by now so I had a go at the Stubbies (what else ??) they were bloody toffee apple ingredients, all I got was sticky fingers. OK maybe you can use them...
Tom wrote:
Subject: Those Funny French Canadians
Howdy from Canada! An update from The Great White North! We're busy having students in our French province of Quebec rioting over their rising tuition costs. You'd think people seeking an education would be able to deal with these problems in a peaceful and non-violent manner. You'd also think their grammar would be better; well, maybe not; they are French Canadians.
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
think she's Canadian?

Or a stoner...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random shit
My wife and I just moved to Mandurah from Brisbane and saw this shop on the corner of Pinjarra Rd and Sutton Street. Don't show my details. Love your site!

Glad they clarified that they 'just' do cremations. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: killed whale
Recently moved house. This whale print was left behind with a trailer load of other shit by the previous tenant. I was gonna chuck it when I had a moment of creativity. Love ya work. hide the deets.
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Dan wrote:
Subject: Grog Party the new political force
Being Driven to Drink? GROG NOW! Some blokes up north came up with this one while enjoying a quiet ale or three. They printed-off a few car stickers, for fun, and now the demand for them has gone through the roof. GROG = Get Rid Of Gillard WHO WANTS TO JOIN THE G.R.O.G. PARTY???
click to enlarge
psycheman wrote:
Subject: First and Second Aid
Mr. Orsm, Never learned this in CPR class, perhaps I need a refresher course! That ought to bring him around! If this doesn't work, I am afraid that he's a gone'er!
click to enlarge

Norman wrote:
Subject: Pathetic!
Some of the phishing attempts that I receive are absolutely pathetic! This one received today from 'Bank of Scotland': Could the link perhaps be a bit of a giveaway? I wonder if there's a business opportunity here? Could I offer consultancy on 'Making Your Scams More Credible'? Cheers

They're just not even trying anymore. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Rick wrote:
Subject: Fishing Trip Invitation
I'm putting together a fishing charter to Newfoundland. This is not a normal fishing trip...it's on a commercial boat...everything first class. All gear, food, booze, supplied. The works. After a day of fishing, you relax and watch the sun set over the North Atlantic. Then gather around a well-stocked bar for a laid back comfortable evening. There are just a couple of slots open for this 'once-in-a-lifetime' experience. Photos from last year's trip below. Let me know if you want to go.

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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Beer Festival in Hanoi - Vietnam
Beer and Hot Dogs in Hanoi .......

Dirty bastards. -Orsm

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Mr Duck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
click for gallery
justin wrote:
Subject: "Find Your Car!" -- new game in Russia.
New Game in Russia for Winter 2012 - "Find your car!". Wouldn't it be a shocker if you dug out the wrong car!
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Bill wrote:
Subject: South Texas Stock Tank
Take a look at what shows up at a South Texas stock water tank in dry weather. For those of you that have never hunted in South Texas , sometimes we post motion detector cameras at our feeders/tanks to see what is going on. Check out this sequence at a water tank.

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Jd wrote:
Subject: Graphic pictures if you are very squeamish.
That's what happens when you go the wrong farmer looking shit! One can see that the 'victim' knew of shoot kopskote. And then some with a .375 Holland & Holland, which is usually used for big game such as lions, rhinos, buffaloes and even elephants. The pattern across the left is a .308 caliber (old pattern R1) with a .375 all right. Enough power for a 270 grain bullet at 820 meters per second from the barrel racing! PS. There was not much of the 'trophy' left to the taxidermist against the wall mount is not.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics for your update
Hey Mr Orsm, Couple of pics of me and the man, hope you can use them, keep details private cheers :)

Good girl. -Orsm

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Lame-o wrote:
Subject: The Milky Way as seen from Utah.
Jaw dropping photos of the Milky Way as seen from Utah. Salt Lake City photographer Royce Bair uses digital cameras and what he describes as a 'copious collection of portable incandescent and flash lighting equipment' to capture his unique views of the night sky over Utah's spectacular canyons.

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click to enlarge click to opn Excel spreadsheet

Jd wrote:
Subject: Question for a genuis. Solve this ... If you can.....
A question for the Super genius, whoever solves the problem will write their name in the attached file. The answer is the password to open the file attached!

Please note you cannot upload your answer to Orsm.net. Save this file and email to your friends. -Orsm

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Click for more awesomeness


A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools in Soweto. He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.

She says to the class "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question". The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.

He asks "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?" For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector points excitedly to him.

Sipho stands up and says "Sir, I don't know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I am innocent".

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".

The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education. He relates the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the school.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies "You know I am very busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother".

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A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years".

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Bed Hard!" the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?""I quit!" said the man. "Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"


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A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot".

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your old fella which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister".

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad" the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly" answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye".

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A policeman is making his regular patrol when he spots a car parked in an out of the way 'Lovers Lane'. When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The policeman asks "What are you doing?" The young man says "Well, officer I'm reading a magazine".

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat he says "And her, what's she doing"? The young man shrugs "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails".

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night at Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

He asks "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir". "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies "She'll be 16 in 11 minutes..."


That, or if you prefer, this is the end of the update.

-Check out the site archives. Avail yourself of updates going back almost 12 years. You won't be disappointed... or maybe you will. What would I know right?
-Next update will be next Thursday. Of that you can be sure.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will deliver a tough budget that doesn't pull any punches.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ahhhh-choo! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.05.03-19.41
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Now IBM compatible.

It's been a quiet-as-fuck, uneventful week so today's challenge: make something out of nothing. And here goes... In principle I could do with a few more weeks with not too much happening although quiet has become code for 'spent every spare second chained to the beast [computer] doing stuff'. Still, the ever increasing pile of things needing attention and tasks needing doing is ever increasing. Email is a prime example of this. There's a folder in my inbox full of emails awaiting reply. Some of them date back to August. I'll get to you guys one day...

Alright let's move into a wrap of all things me and my shit...

T'was back to the chiropractor on Friday. This will be a two to three times a week thing for a couple of months until everything can be clicked, crunched and cajoled back into place which will stop recurrent pain and improve balance by lightening the wallet. Seems to be working so far but only being able to get appointments at shitty times is making me peak hour traffics bitch.

From there was a bunch of errands not worth mentioning before hitting up a travel agent friend. I blogged a few months back that one of my main goals for the year was to travel. With Bali already ticked off the list and Melbourne coming up late June, the last trip I'll be taking anywhere for a while will be gleefully back into Asia. We got one of those group-buy deals for Phuket aaaages ago so that's a nonnegotiable but my dream destination is Hong Kong. The challenge is working out how to get to both cheaply as possible using a combination of Frequent Flyer points and countless web searches. Surprisingly harder than you'd think and a little bit head-fucking, thus the travel agent.

Had the odd experience of waking up and not having to rush off somewhere Saturday. Hasn't happened for a while and I want quite sure what to do with myself. Lasted all of an hour and a visit to the vet was required for limpy dog. A few hours working then took place and eventually headed out to gather food for the week ahead. That preceded a quiet night in watching The Green Hornet. All I can really say is it was about two hours too long.

What better way to be woken on a Sunday morning than by torrential rain. Has been a while since its poured that hard and in this old piece of shit house there's the ever present threat/thrill one of the various roof leaks will finally bring down a ceiling. Anyway after walking the mutt we set off to a local swap meet. It's been running for years but never got around to checking it out. There's maybe a hundred sellers with crap they've grown, stolen, plundered from curb side junk piles or raided from their own homes, laid out in an underground car park. Everything from power tools to pirate DVD's to clothes to just about anything you can think of. I walked around quietly surveying the junk before stumbling upon shoes - what the chances of finding two brand new pairs of my favourite brand of footwear in exactly my size are I have no idea. Even better I haggled the old hag down to $35 for both. Saved me I'm guessing somewhere around $250.

Next up was a stroll along the coast followed by a disappointing café lunch. The rest of the day was spent in and around the homestead fixing a car, planting some plants and whole bunch of boring crap also not worth mentioning. And that boys and girls is that... a stellar example of how to successfully write a blog with not a hell of a lot to write about but as I so often to say - anyone with half a brain has already scrolled on down to get to the good stuff which begins right after I say... check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Frickin' Addictive - Skater Hotties - CRAZY Porn - Such A Drag - Sofia Vergara - Sweet Rub - Virgin Lezzies - Epic Body

Simply Wow - Balcony Shag - Dirty Bitch - Lowlife Turd - Cavity Search - Ricci Tits - Flight Fingering - Insane Porn

Don't Steal Bro! - Hermie Hilarity - Swift Kick - Girl On Girl - Rednecks WTF - College Fuck - Pussy Prank - Me No Likey

A woman visits her doctor for a check-up. After the examination the doctor says "Well, I hope you like sleepless nights and changing nappies!" "Oh my God!" exclaimed the woman "I'm pregnant?" "No" replied the doctor "You've got bowel cancer."
Bubba's wife caught him blow drying his dick this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing. Apparently "Heating up your breakfast wasn't the right answer!"
George devoted his entire life to the small Greek village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in. He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words...
"Stavros" he said faintly "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village? Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don't call me 'George the Bridge Builder.'" "You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don't call me 'George the Hospital Builder.'"
"And the only church in town... I built that too, and they don't call me 'George the Church Builder,' but you get caught fucking just one goat..."
A little old lady goes to the dentist. She walks in to the office, sits down, drops her panties, and lifts legs. Rather flustered the dentist says "I'm sorry madam, I'm not a gynaecologist!" She says "I know you're not, I just need my husband's teeth back!"
There's a truck driver hauling a load of penguins going to the zoo and his truck breaks down. Along comes another truck driver who stops and ask him if he needs help. The truck driver says he has to get this load of Penguins to the zoo on time. The other truck driver says "Well my trailer is empty... I could take them for you". The truck driver says "That's a great idea. If you take these penguins to the zoo for me I'll give you $500". The other driver says "You got a deal". So a few hours go by and the broken down truck driver sees the other truck driver walking and the penguins are following him. The truck driver says "Hey, I gave you $500 to take those penguins to the zoo for me!" The other driver says "I did take them to the zoo but I had money left over and now I'm taking them to the movies!



-Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
-Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.
-Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
-I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.
-Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
-A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
-Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
-Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
-God made relatives. Thank God we can choose our friends.
-Here are a few great notions in philosophy: if your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
-Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.
-You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.
-Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
-Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
-Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
-My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
-Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
-Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.
-Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
-Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
-Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours.
-A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
-Behind every successful man, there is a woman and behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
-You know you're getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
-You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
-It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
-Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
-Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
-Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.
-They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!
-Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
-Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
-It's funny when people discuss love marriage vs arranged marriage. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
-There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
-There is only one perfect wife/husband in the world and every neighbour has it!

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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath!" The drunk muttered in response "Well, fuck me!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".


Click for more awesomeness


"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country"  --Mark Twain

"France has usually been governed by prostitutes" --Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me" --General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion" --Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it" --Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" --Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right" --Rush Limbaugh

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee" --Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know" --PJ O'Rourke

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it" --John McCain

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either" --Jay Leno.

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag" --David Letterman

"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada" --Ted Nugent.

"War without France would be like... uh ... World War II" --Unknown

"The favourite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France'" --Tom Brokaw

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" --Dennis Miller.

"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us" --Alan Kent

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qaida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house"--Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day. The description was 'Never shot. Dropped once" --Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq" --Dennis Miller

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried" --Rep. R. Blount

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining" --John Xereas

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A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them" the salesman said. "Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically. "No, that's the price" the salesman said "Do you want to buy them or not?" "Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a CD changer, DVD player, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked. "Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks. "No" said the salesman "It's brand new, do you want it or not?" "Sure" the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" "Five dollars" was the familiar response. "I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases the man asked him "Why are your prices so cheap?" The salesman said "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

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Fucking fuckloads of reader mail to get through today. That was a result of skipping it last week to take an afternoon off. I absolutely regretted it around 2am last night believe me.

If you'd like to submit something to the Orsm mailbag then myself and maybe one or two others would be eternally grateful. You could also win an awesome prize but please bear in mind I have nothing to give away and winning any such prize will have absolutely nothing to do with me. Anyway, on the want list are crazy pics, messed up vids, ex-girlfriend pics, jokes or pretty much anything else you can attach to an email and send send hurtling down the internets. All you must do is click here and make it all happen.

John wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I like commiting sexual acts in the capital of Western Australia. I am a Perthvert

<with held> wrote:
Subject: This is work...
Hello Mr Orsm! Been a regular at orsm.net since I had dial up and I love what you do... I have a pretty cool job and we recently made a video, thought you might like it cos it's good music and the guitarist only has three fingers on each hand!

Okay I give up... where are his other fingers? -Orsm

Ed27th wrote:
Subject: dude...check this out!!!
check this out!!! man, i would love to be there when they open them up...

Jay wrote:
Subject: What Goes On in the Garden When You Aren't Watching
The hummingbird doing rolls chasing a bug is neat!!! This is beautiful....... be sure and watch closely (around 2 min 40 sec) and check out the baby bat under its mama. Unreal. archs! If you never knew what goes on in the garden when you aren't paying attention. Watch this - some of the finest photography you will ever see.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random pic
I have been a long time fan and finally have something to share. Was sitting at the corner and looked up to see this. Apparently the traffic cones serve a purpose after all. They happened to drive around them to make a turn and found some fresh concrete.
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Annette wrote:
Subject: Emailing
do not use veet on yer tackle aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahah!!!

This one is doing the rounds like crazy. Link here. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Family stickers
Hey there ORSM. Spotted in Port Macquarie. Great site. Plse hide deets. Cheers

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psycheman wrote:
Subject: Florida shooting - Interesting and ain't It The Truth???
Boy, Imagine that!!!! I didn't compose this, I'm only passing it on. Left is a current 2012 photo of George Zimmerman. Right is what the TV is showing. Left was the current 17 Year old Trayvon Martin. Right what TV news is showing; when he was 12 years old. Never trust the news media for anything. This is why we have race riots in America.
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Hosed
Ever wonder what happens before the picture is taken? First one is her pic. Second is how she got that way.... good girl, took it like a champ!

Excellent. -Orsm

Zio wrote:
Subject: Misterious sign!
Hi to my favourite corner in the web! Can you help me to understand wtf this sign founded inside an hospital in Italy means??????

Dickhead? -Orsm

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Tom wrote:
Subject: Evil
Just wanted to get the word out that Madonna is fucking EVIL.
click to enlarge
Carsten wrote:
Subject: Divorce Lawyers
There's really no need for them to advertise, is there?
click to enlarge
Steve Bonehard wrote:
Subject: What Women Earn
Come Dumpsters, every last one of them.....
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Adam wrote:
Subject: RE: Body cast
Hi Mr ORSM, I'm a loooooong time reader but this is the first time I've had good reason to contribute anything worthwhile to your site. The picture submitted by reader Bill is a very nice photoshop, but a photoshop none the less. Attached is the original and the rest of the set I have. Keep up the great work.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Don't trust gooks!!!!!!
Fake WD HDD from China. Be careful when buying things on the internet.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Gurl
Ohai Mate. This is the girl im fucking. She is from Iran and gives a really nice head and anal. You dont have to fuck her. She fucks you. Who knew that hidden under those Persian scarfs are deprived sex machines. Hide the details brotha ! <3 your site.
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Shags wrote:
Subject: Craftsmanship still lives!
hey mr orsm, check this baby out.... definatly one bloke who thinks outside the box. all aluminum Willys Coupe! It's amazing what you can do with an English rolling wheel, sheet metal brake and a lot of skill and knowledge. No, he is not going to paint it..... love the flames! (Look closely.) Walt Austin's aluminum Willys coupe at Jim Hume's shop south of Bellingham Wash.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: GPS in die Son
Yo shorty, have you ever seen this happen? GPS in the window was stuck and the battery had overheated in the sun

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: A View of the Game
Orsm, A different perspective. Here is an interesting view of the super bowl game. How many people knew this officer was above them? No details please.. Take care.
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Jeremy wrote:
Subject: South Africa - DURBAN THEN AND NOW... CHANGED
SOMEWHAT FROM THE 1950's to present 2012

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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Men vs Women
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Peter wrote:
Subject: Dear Orsm
I finally have some more pics of my lovely lass to share with your readers. Please let me know how they are received. Hope they are enjoyed by everyone as much as they are by me!

Hawt. -Orsm

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X wrote:
Subject: kid vid
This is my friends kid. He really hates that song eh. Maybe I can make him famous on your site. Keep my details hidden. Thanks.
click to watch video
click to watch video
Pete wrote:
Subject: Idiot on a sport bike
Howdy Mr. Orsm, A little clip from my new hometown of Victoria, British Columbia. A video that's stirred up some fury in the media of some jackass whipping through traffic on a sport bike at speeds approaching 300 kph at one point. This dude splits traffic at over 250 kph a number of times but amazingly isn't wiped off the face off the earth. The local PD tracked him down today and seized the bike (a Yamaha R-1), which belonged to his mother since he had a number of previous traffic convictions and wasn't licensed to be riding this particular day. We have a law here that says the vehicle of serial road offenders can be crushed, although in this case, I say crush the kid and save the bike.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Found this one
The woman with the dark hair is Christine McQueen (Richard Pratt's ex-mistress), the bloke's nickname who posted it is YakuzaMan, but really he wouldn't be that stupid to use something like that if he was really into organised crime. It was on a publicly accessible forum and the escort involved was happy with the video being posted.
click to watch video
click to watch video

Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Alligator Confrontation on the Tee Box at Sawgrass in Venice, FL
fancy a game of golf...... CHOMP... hey were'd ya go mate

"I have to tell you about my experience last week. While on the 8th Tee at Sawgrass, my friend had just teed off and walked behind me then I teed off. Just as I went to turn around my friend said "look". There was the largest gator either of us had ever seen right behind us between our tee box. It had come up from Curry Creek and was crossing over to the lake. Needless to say, our cart was down on the cart path and evidently the gator wasn't too hungry otherwise, who knows......... and we really didn't dare move to draw attention to us. Fortunately, he seemed to have one thought in mind -- get to the lake. He sure was a frightening critter."

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This guy chats up this fit blonde with big tits in a club, telling her he's got his own business, own apartment, car and his own plane! The blonde is up for this, so the guy says why don't they go back to her place tonight.

He ends up drinking all her vodka and beer, then starts sucking and licking her tits! He ends up shagging her all night, five times up front, and four up her arse till his balls are drained.

The following day after he's had a shower, and rogered her another four times she says "I have to tell you that I don't fancy you, and didn't like you shafting me... but as your rich, it doesn't matter!"

He laughs out loud, "Rich? Look love, I drive a white van, work on a building site, and live in a council flat!" "You bastard!" she screams "you told me you had your own plane?" "I have! I'm a carpenter!... I suppose another shag is out of the question?"

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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other.

The directions went something as follows:

-a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant
-a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control
-a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
-any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries). Pretty cute really, and thinking to myself 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say 'Don't do it, stupid' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, a note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

-My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
-The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
-My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
-My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
-I had no control over the drooling.
-Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
-I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!


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Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks "What is politics?" Dad says "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense".

So Little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying. He gets up to check on him and finds the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, Little Johnny says to his father "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now". The father says "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".

Little Johnny replies "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit".

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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise". "Ah! So sorry" says the waiter "I bring you Peeking Duck!"


Well well well... here we are, chaps. Do read the following won't you?

-Check out the site archives. sevihcra etis eht tuo kcehC
-Next update will be next Thursday. So that's... Nop exop top upop dop ate wop ilop bop e nop ex op top Top hop uop rop sop dop ay.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will sever one of your achilles tendons.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and try not to stare. It's rude. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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