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May 2022...
orsmupdate 2022.05.26-21.05

Welcome to I'm not here to put socks on centipedes.

Everything was on track for an on-time finish this week but doing a good deed, helping a friend out, cost me two hours when I could least afford it. Stuff like this always reminds me of my favourite Homer Simpson quote "I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone." Of course, I haven't let this create a knock-on effect for you guys. This update is a fucking beast. A good beast; a GREAT beast. Check it...

A man went to his new doctor and said "I really don't know how to explain my condition, so I'll just come straight out with it... I've got 5 willy's!" Oh my, said the doctor, I'm going to have to examine you, which he did. After examining, the doctor said "I've never seen anything like it - you do indeed have 5 willy's! How on earth do you get underpants to fit?". "Oh, they fit like a glove!"
Two golfers are about to play the 11th hole on the golf course, when one of the golfers stops as a funeral cortège passes by on a nearby road. The first golfer doffs his cap and bows his head as the funeral passes by. The second golfer says "that was a good mark of respect that you did there" The first golfer replies "Well is only right, I was married to her for 35 years".
A man walks out of a pub into the cool night air, after a few beers, and starts to feel a little dizzy. A concerned passer-by notices that he's looking the worse for wear and asks him if he has vertigo. He replies "No, just around the corner"
Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help. "Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped" says the Minister. "No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".
I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in my bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So, I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home!
Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they had shot six deer. "The plane won't carry six deer, you'll have to leave two of them" said the pilot, trying to be friendly. Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said "We got six on this plane last year". The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after take-off the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said "Any idea where we are?" The second hunter said "Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year".
A couple go to the solicitors to arrange a divorce. The solicitor points out that they are not youngsters and asks their age. "I'm 101 and my husband is 103". replies the woman. "Good grief" says the solicitor "how long have you been married?" "75 years" replies the man. "Why now?" says the solicitor. "Well" says the man "We've wanted a divorce for over seventy years but decided to wait until the children died".
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance. When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he slurred. "I don't know" gushed the other guy "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!" "That's because you have to curse to get it started" says the man. "I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how to curse". "Keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to you!"

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A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short. He arrives in the HR office and slams his paycheque on the desk. "This is an outrage!" The rep apologises for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking. "Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 this week. But you certainly didn't complain when we overpaid you by $50 last week". The man points his finger at the woman "Listen, one mistake I can forgive. But enough is enough!"
Two guys chatting in a bar. "My wife keeps hinting about a sexy gift she wants" one says.
"She said it begins with D and ends in O, and vibrates in a pleasing way". "Blimey" the second guy gasps "Where on earth are you going to find a didgeridoo?"
A man goes to the patent office and tells the clerk that he would like to patent a powder which you sprinkle on your wife's vagina which makes it taste like peaches. "Get out of here"., the clerk says "I can't patent anything like that". The man glumly leaves the office. However, he is back a week later. "Didn't I tell you that I couldn't patent your powder?" says the clerk. "This powder is new and improved" says the man "You sprinkle this one on peaches".
A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go" he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!" His wife called from the kitchen "What on earth are you watching?" "Our wedding video".


There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college.

On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening.

Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8 p.m., and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him.

At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back.

As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02.

The bartender was astounded. He was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to "Whole Don here for just one minute!"



Previously on Orsm: SOCKS #3 - SOCKS #2 - SOCKS #1 - MORE >>


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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a road side restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around - in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her...

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and credit card".



Previously: #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - MORE >>

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centred, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all-around douche bag.

One day driving together, Mark tries to beat a train at a crossing.

They both die.

Mike goes to heaven and Mark to hell. After Mike gets settled onto his cloud and enjoying the angels playing their harps, he asks God if he can peek in on Mark. God eventually relents and takes Mike to see the eternal damnation that is being wrought upon Mark.

Mike looks down and there's Mark, sitting on big plush recliner with a beautiful blonde on his lap and a frosty can of his favourite beer in his hand!

Mike turns to God and says "This is crazy! I want a blonde on my lap and a cold beer! Mark was awful on earth, why does he get blondes and beers and I get to listen to harps playing and hang out on a cloud all day?" God says "Do you see that frosty can of beer and beautiful blonde? The beer has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't".



A class of high school art students are broken into groups and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banana mush.

Bobby and his friends want to get the best grade though, so they decide to paint a massive omelette that is actually a depiction of the Old West. As your eyes get closer to the painting, the surface of the egg becomes the surface of Badlands, the chopped veggies become the mountain ranges and canyons, and the specks of seasoning here and there are cowboys, cattle, camps, a train station, etc. The level of detail is incredible, but if you zoom out and look from a distance, it just appears to be a normal omelette. Bobby calls their painting simply "Western Style".

On presentation day, just before the presentations are about to begin, a fight breaks out and Bobby is left bloodied.

The principal hauls in Bobby for an explanation.

"Okay Bobby, who started it? Which of the groups were you fighting with?" "None of them, it was the Traditional Chinese Martial Arts Club. They were just passing by when suddenly they attacked me! They beat the snot of me!"

"What? The martials arts club? Why would they snap like that?" "I don't get it either. We were just talking about our art project. All I said was that our Western Style was better than Tie Cheese, Car Roti and Kong Food all put together".



CONCERT FLASHING previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love.

For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed. "Why?" gasped Declan. "Daddy says that crabs are too common" she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways".

Declan was shattered and scuttled sideways away into the darkness and began to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making But the Lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in!

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the room... and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS!!!! One crab claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush.

Finally, Declan spoke...

"Fuck, I'm drunk!"



SMALL AREOLAS previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar.

Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good".

"By the way, how's the golf?" Nicklaus replies "Not too bad. I'm not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now". "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right" says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says "Yes, I've been playing for years".

"But I thought you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again, I play the ball towards his voice" explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well" says Stevie "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice".

Nicklaus says "What is your handicap?" "I play off scratch" Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie "We must play a game sometime". Wonder replies "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole".

Nicklaus thinks it over and says "Okay, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don't care. Any night next week is fine with me".

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An architect, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in a hotel.

It suddenly catches fire in the middle of the night.

The architect is the first to wake up to the fire. "This hotel is similar in design to many I studied during college. If I recall correctly, I should be able to find the fire exit with ease" he notes to himself.

He runs out of his room, down the stairs, and locates a fire exit and escapes.

Several minutes later, the fire has gotten more intense.

The physicist, sleeping on a higher floor, awakens. He goes to the room door to leave, but sees a lot of smoke coming through the door. "I can't go through the hallway. The smoke would suffocate and blind me before I could escape".

The physicist turns around and notes that his bed seems very heavy. He quickly whips up a plan. "If I tie these hotel towels together and then tie it to my bed, I can use it to support my weight and climb down the side of the building out of my window!"

He hastily ties the towels, ties it to the bed, and climbs out the window.

Not long after, the mathematician awakens and sees the fire. He sits down at a desk and jots down some calculations. "These calculations are correct; I have proven that I can get out of here safely". And then he goes back to bed.



Previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.

One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"

So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.

They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday!"

The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next.

The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday".

Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story.

The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably shouldn't have started with the circumcision..."


RANDOM SHITE 2022 05 26

Previously: 19th May - 12th May - 5th May - 28th Apr. - 21st Apr. - 14th Apr. - 7th Apr. - 31st Mar. - MORE >>

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A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.

The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.

As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.

"Hey, Old Timer" said the barkeep "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?" "I call it 'Drop them panties, Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long'".

Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said "Interesting title. Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.

"You're amazing!" exclaimed the barkeep "Just amazing! What do you call that one?" "Oh, that's a little ditty I called 'I wanna spank your bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler'".

The bartender held his tongue. The guy was certainly good, despite the outrageous song titles.

Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the toilet. While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said "Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours".

Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the toilet.

Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered "Sir, do you know your dick's hanging out for all the world to see?" "Know it?" the old guy grinned "Hell, I wrote it!"


There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the edge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He replied "I'm not happy. My nuts are itchy!"




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A man advertises for help wanted.

'Need Someone With A Keen Eye For Detail For Touch Up Of Property'

The next day, he gets a call from a lady enquiring about the position. She arrives later that day and he's floored by her beauty: blonde, leggy, bodacious.

She asks him "What's needing done, sugar?" He replies "My porch is requiring a new paint job. Are you sure you're up for it? It is rather demanding work". She responds "Oh no worries, sugar. I saw it on my way in and I think I can get it done in a day".

Impressed with her gumption, he hires her and tells her "You'll find the white paint by the door. If you need any help or anything, just call".

And off he goes, leaving her to get to work.

Not two hours later, there's a knock on the door. The maid lets the bodacious blonde in and she tells him she's done. He can't believe how fast she's worked so pays a bonus.

As she's walking out the door, she turns, looks at him and wonders if she should embarrass him or not. Deciding it's for the best, she says "Oh, and sugar, it's not pronounced 'porch,' it's pronounced 'por-sha!'"


Well folks, that's update all done. Update #20 for the year if you're playing along at home. I don't even want to think how many hours that is in front of my PC but... it's at least a coupla. Even more staggering is that we're staring down June already. HOW?! I can only hope it keeps up because been an absolute shit-show thus far and I'll be glad when it's over. But I digress...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. If you can't find joy there then you can't find joy.
-Next update will be at some point between Wednesday and Friday (but neither of those days).
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll let a pig eat your baby.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2022.05.19-20.18

Welcome to there's a hole in your budget, dear Labor, dear Labor... there's a hole in your budget...

You gotta hand it to the Libs. I've made an effort to absorb no more of the election campaign than was absolutely necessary but the 'hole in your budget' ad has been unavoidable. It's been thrashed over and over and over again on radio (yes, fuck you, I still listen to radio) and wherever else, to the point, and I hate to admit, I/you can't help but sing along to it. I hope whoever made that ad got fucking rich because annoying literally an entire population so deeply is something most of us will never manage to achieve. Check out the actually-pretty-entertaining remix here. And after you're done doing that feel free to slide into my update. Check it...

I asked my chemo patient how she was doing as we started our visit. "Oh, I'm so excited for Saturday! I'm going with a bunch of friends to go see Justin Bieber in concert... front row!" Flabbergasted, I replied "What?! Why would you do that? COVID is at all-time highs... and probably 1 in 5 people around you in that place will be transmitting with every breath they take. And all that screaming and singing!" Cheerfully, she replied "Oh that should be no problem, right? After all, you said I have a weekend immune system!"
Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter says "Sisters, we're so backed up that we're giving new arrivals a quiz. If you answer a question correctly, you can go on in, but if you get it wrong, you'll have to wait a while". The nuns nod in agreement and St. Peter faces the first nun. "What was the name of the first man on Earth?" he asks. The nun smiles. "Adam, of course". "Go on in" St. Peter replies. Then he turns to the second nun "What was the name of the first woman on Earth?" The second nun lets out a relieved sigh "Eve". "Go on in" St. Peter replies, then turns to the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The third nun frowns. "Oh, that's hard". "Go on in" St. Peter replies.
When I was young, I was pretty curious. I used to go to my grandpa with my questions. Me: "Grandpa, why does is it rain?" Grandpa: "Son, sometimes mama earth feels thirsty". Me: "Also why do animals die?" Grandpa: "Sometimes mama feels hungry too, bud. I think that's it for today?" Me: "One more, grandpa! Why do forest fires occur? I learned about them in school today!" Grandpa: "Sometimes son, mama likes them fried". I had a tough time explaining to my gf that instead of donating money, we should throw some fried chicken in our backyard to support Australia.
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother". Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... "Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports Collingwood".
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one". The brunette says "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home". *POOF!* The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too". *POOF!* The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers "I wish my friends were still here".
An airliner hit severe turbulence and was tossed about like a leaf in a gale. A young female passenger wailed "We are all going to die and I'm still a girl. Right now, I need a man to make me feel like a real woman before I go!" Many of the men just looked away but one guy stood up and peeled off his shirt to reveal bulging biceps, perfect pecs and a six-pack to die for. "Lady, I'm your man, but the question is, are you woman enough for me?" "Yes" she replied "Yes, yes, YES!" So, the guy threw her his shirt, told her to give it a good wash and to make sure she ironed it properly.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling" she replied "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek".

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A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife; a woman well known for her charitable impulses. "Madam" he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400". "How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?" They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord" he sobbed.
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink" I said to a bloke at the bar. "Really?" he replied. "So what can you tell about me?" "You're a cunt" I said. "What makes you say that?" he asked. I said "That's my beer you're drinking".
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cab driver "Wanna make a $100?" The cab driver says "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cab driver has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cab driver goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open and the cab driver is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cab driver opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man "Here, hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cab driver "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cab driver replied "I KNOW, IT'S MINE! I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"


A magician had a residency in Vegas for 50 years.

Apart from being a very good magician specialising in sleight of hand and 'look over there while I do this over here' type tricks, he was also known for being a womaniser who was exceptionally good at getting women to leave after he was finished with them.

Every time he would finish a performance, he would walk off stage and select one of the many women who were waiting for him, went up to his suite, had his way, and they would leave. His manager would always wait outside the suite for the women, escort them down, and have the sign a nondisclosure agreement.

Being as egotistical as he was, the magician never cared whether they were satisfied as long as he was so the manager usually had to wait only 10-15 minutes.

Unfortunately, as he grew older, it not only became harder for him to perform on stage but also in the bedroom.

Eventually, he found the solution to his problem - Viagra. He would take a Viagra at the beginning of his show, it would get his blood pumping enough to enter goes him during the show, and, by the end, he would be ready to bed his nightly groupie.

But as time went on, he developed a tolerance for the medication. He would have to rush through his show just so he could stay hard for the 10 minutes he needed after. Sex sessions were starting to become photo finishes with him going limp immediately upon completion.

One night, he started his routine. Took a little blue pill and then took the stage. His blood was pumping and he was energised enough to get through the bare minimum of his show. He would show the audience something in his right hand and make it appear in his left hand. But, because he was phoning it in that night, the audience left less than fulfilled, but he didn't care because it was time for him to find a lady.

Once he was done, he ran and grabbed the first broad he saw, and dragged her up to his room, and started to rip her clothes off. Not a minute later, the manager hears the door open and the women walks out looking less satisfied than usual. The manager escorts the woman down, has her sign the NDA, and the woman says "I don't know why I have to sign this; we didn't even have sex".

Puzzled by this statement, the manager got in the elevator and heads back up to the magician's suite. He knocks on the door and asks "What happened to you tonight? First you rush through your show and now that woman said you two didn't even have sex!" The magician, feeling the effects of his old age, could not even look his manager in the eyes. "Tonight" he said "I used the same method to disappoint my audience as I did my groupie".

The manager said "What on earth does that mean?" The magician shamefully replied "Missed erection".



Previously: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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Jim just started a class on logic.

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a 'surprise', he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students *will not know* which day the quiz will be ahead of time, so they should be prepared for anything. The students have class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week.

Jim is pretty bright, and he thinks about what the Professor said *logically*, since it is a Logic class after all, if the quiz is held on the following Friday, then on Thursday, wouldn't they know that the quiz would have to be on Friday, if they hadn't had it yet? And then wouldn't that contradict what the Professor had said about it being a surprise? So, *logically*, the quiz cannot be next Friday.

And then, if Friday is ruled out, what about Wednesday? If the quiz isn't held on Monday, then on Tuesday, the only possibilities for the quiz would be Wednesday and Friday, and since he just deduced that Friday is impossible, then *logically* the quiz can't be held on Wednesday, since that would be the only possible option and therefore Wednesday wouldn't be a surprise.

So, if Friday and Wednesday are impossible, then that would leave only Monday. But if Monday is the only possibility, that would make it not a surprise, so another contradiction.

Therefore, Jim reasons that the Professor has made a logically impossible statement. The quiz can't be held on any of the days next week and it still be a surprise. Confident that he has seen through the Professor's tricks, he parties all weekend. And, much to his surprise, the quiz is held on Wednesday.



Previously: #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - MORE >>

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away.

Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty-year-old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the young man gets bolder and starts a flirtatious conversation with her. The mother, who noticed this, gives a stern look at her daughter and the young man. Not wanting to appear too bold and cocky in front of his boss, the young man quietens to the disappointment of the girl.

An hour later, the train enters a tunnel, resulting in no visibility inside the train compartment. All four of them hear the sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

As the train comes out the tunnel, all four have sheepish looks on their faces.

The girl is thinking "I am so glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my mother hadn't slapped him".

The mother is thinking "How dare the guy kiss my daughter? Glad that she slapped him. Serves him right".

The boss is thinking "The guy was indeed very bold to kiss that girl. But I wish the mother had not accidentally slapped me instead of him".

The guy is thinking "This is the luckiest day of my life. I get to kiss a pretty girl and slap my boss at the same time!"



I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire.

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.

"Hey there, mate, whatcha cookin' there?" I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think".

The officer widened his eyes "Oh, ya can't be eatin' those! Seagulls are protected, ya know?" I frowned "Come on, there are so many, why would they be protected?" "Yeah well, that's the law. I'll letya off this time because ya didn't know, but don't be doin' it again, okay mate?"

I pinched off a crispy piece of the carcass, and popped it in my mouth. "Won't happen again".

He gave me a friendly but stern nod, and started walking away.

After a few steps he stopped, and turned halfway. "By the way, just out of curiosity... how does it taste?" I rolled the meat around in my mouth and thought for a moment "Bit like Peregrine falcon".



Previously: #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

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A guy starts a new job, and the boss says "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million-dollar annual salary".

The guy says "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall". The guy says "I don't care what you offer me, it aint worth it". The boss says "I'll give you a five-million-dollar salary and build you a mansion".

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife "Bring me a hammer". She mumbles "Get the hammer. Get the hammer" and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says "Get me some nails". She mumbles "Get the nails. Get the nails" and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells "Fuck!" She mumbles "Get the bag. Get the bag".



Previously: #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - MORE >>

A drunk was sitting at a bus stop one afternoon watching a young man walking up to attractive ladies and propositioning them.

As the young man comes near the drunk, he hears the guy say "Tickle your ass with a feather?" to the chick sitting in front of him.

When the girl turns to the guy with an incredulous look on her face and asks "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" The guy says "Typically nasty weather". The woman thinks she misheard him and turns back to her newspaper.

After watching the guy do this for a while the drunk motions him over and slurs" Hey buddy, whaddya doin'?" The young guy says "If you want to pick up chicks, you walk up to them and say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' and if the chick says yes then you're in for an exciting evening. But if she says no, then you say "Typically nasty weather" and she thinks she just misheard what you said and no harm is done".

The drunk thinks this is a great idea and decides to try it out.

He spots the most beautiful woman on the bus, walks up to her and says "Wanna fuck?!" The chick turns around, slaps his face, and says "WHAT did you say?!" to which the drunk replies "Looks like rain!"

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Hitler hires a new cook.

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected except adding just one pea in the food and adding a drop of citrus in the water.

The next day he does the same with the exception of increasing the pea ratio in the food and more citrus to the water.

Likewise, every day pea and citrus ratios are bumped up slightly.

This cycle goes on gradually for a while till one day he is called personally by Hitler for a chat.

"The diet you are providing is working wonders. It is different from before but can't say what it is?" The cook calmly states "Fuhrer as a matter of fact it is. You see I have studied under the best of teachers, taken feedback from your associates and done my best to gradually introduce you to this change in philosophy". Hitler asks "Philosophy? And what is this philosophy?"

The chef clears his throat and states "In order to lead a healthy and prosperous life one must learn to accept the peas and embrace the juice".



FESTIVALS BABES previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No" the patient says "I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says "Here is a Viagra tablet". The patient says "Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill!" "It doesn't" said the dentist and continued "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth".


RANDOM SHITE 2022 05 19

Previously: 12th May - 5th May - 28th Apr. - 21st Apr. - 14th Apr. - 7th Apr. - 31st Mar. - 24th Mar. - MORE >>

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Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books.

The second guy asks for his wife.

And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific".

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it".

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, saying "Anybody got a match?"


An American man gets married to a British woman.

Before the big night, his father tells him "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation. Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation. And finally, I want you to take of your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation".

After the big night the father asks his son: "So how was it?" Son: "Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation". Father: "Good!"

Son: "Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation". Father: "Yeah!"

Son: "And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation". Father: "Very Good! And then what did you do?"

Son: "I jacked off in front of her". Father: "What? Why would you do that for?" Son: "To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!"




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A private and his platoon are stationed out in Laos.

They settle around an open campfire in the marsh after completing their daily duties. The private turns to his superior and asserts confidently "You're about to enjoy a marshmallow more delightful than any you've tried before!"

He then proceeds to remove his lower right boot, affixes it to the end of a sturdy skewer, and pokes the lace through the marshmallow.

"The infusion of rubber and leather give it an exquisite flavour you won't soon forget!". The captain, sceptical of this assertion, takes a bite from the roasted marshmallow. He turns to his subordinate "something tastes off..".

The private, believing this to be a fluke, removes his other boot and roasts another marshmallow. He then takes a bite, and concedes in the poor, off taste. Neglecting that he had splashed through toxic, chemical waste earlier in the day, his entire platoon passes out within the hour due to release of toxic aroma into the surrounding air.

The following morning, a nearby squadron arrives at the scene to observe an entire platoon, lying flat and unconscious around the campfire, with a pair of boots at the centre. Making light of the scene, a soldier snidely remarks "Looks like a Laos-y day at marsh mellow bootcamp".


Well, I'm exceptionally glad that's over. It's been an exceptionally busy week, I got an exceptional amount of stuff done, which put me exceptionally behind schedule, but pulled exceptionally hard today to not only meet deadline, but deliver an exceptional update. Its really quite... remarkable.

-Follow me on Facebook. One of these days I'm going to surprise EVERYONE and update it LOL.
-Check out the archives. You really should; I say it for your benefit not mine.
-Next update will be next Thursday... and I'm not going to mention this again for atleast another week.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll rig the election and put Clive in power.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2022.05.12-20..24

Welcome to right where you're supposed to be (here).

Fucking hate this time of the year. Have I said that already this year? Probably. Might be wise to keep a few of those in the barrel come to think of it. 2022 has been a real piece of shit in almost every possible way but that aside, the cold, wet, generally shitty weather is finally starting arrive. I'll long remember 2021 as being the worst winter pretty much EVER and my theory goes that after enjoying such a freakishly hot summer, we'll be punished with a brutal cold season. Great summer / horrible winter. Follow me for more meteorology tips. And after you've done that... check it...

My daughter just got a job at McDonald's. When she got home from work and was in tears, she said it was so stressful and a customer was mean to her today. She said he yelled at her and was so angry, she's never seen someone so furious before. Now I'm a grown man so I think it can be a good thing if the world chews on you a little so you learn to toughen up. But at the same time, I'm her father so I embrace her lovingly and say "Next time, don't forget my fucking fries then".
President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden, they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly. Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Putin. "Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously. "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Putin. The driver replies "I'm president Putin's driver, and I just killed the pig".
A gynaecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive. After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring. It's the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologises for the delay. "It doesn't matter" answers the doctor. "Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?" "I accept, thanks!" she answers. He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking. Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door. The doctor looks worried, gets up and says "My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise she might think there is something funny going on!"
"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door. "It was awful" she explains. "I was walking down High Street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street. He'd been thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course and all my
training came back to me in a minute". "What did you do?" asks the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep myself from fainting!"
An 83-year-old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
A friend invited me over for coffee, and said "While you're here, I wonder if you can identify this tree, I have in my garden?". I took a peek out of the window and said "Sure, it's a dogwood". "But how can you be so sure?" they said. " I can tell by the bark".
The teacher addressed her class one day and told them all she wanted them to think of a sentence in which they used the word 'nice' and that they were to use the word twice. Susan put up her hand. "Yes, Susan?" said the teacher. Susan said "I went for a nice walk at the weekend and had a nice ice cream". The teacher replied "Well done, Susan, very good". Robert put up his hand. "Yes, Robert?" said the teacher. Robert said "I had a nice game of football with my friends yesterday and afterwards we all had a nice, cold drink". The teacher replied "Well done, Robert, very good". Little Johnny put up his hand. "Yes, Johnny?" said the teacher. Johnny said "My dad came home early from work one day last week and found Mr. Smith from next door in bed with my mum, and they were both naked. My dad looked at them both and said 'Oh, that's nice, that's fucking nice that is!'"
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there" replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed" she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "No love!" screamed the old lady. "You can see better standing on the dressing table!"
I used to own a wheelbarrow that was full of four-leaved clovers. Had to get rid of it in the end; realised I was pushing my luck.
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer" said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious" soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
My dad died last night. He died because we couldn't get his blood type for a blood transfusion. It was awful, and I honestly don't know how to cope right now. I'm just holed up in my room, crying. I haven't slept yet and don't know if I can because I keep on seeing his face. We were there with him as he was passing. It was horrifying and devastating but I'm glad I was there for him. I held his hand as he was passing. He kept on saying "Be positive! Be positive!" And pointing to his IV. I appreciate the words of wisdom but it's just so hard to be happy right now.

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After the surgery, the plastic surgeon said to his male patient "I have good news and bad news". The patient said "Tell me the bad news first". The doctor replied "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make your penis larger". The patient then said "What's the good news?" The doctor said "We were able to make your hands really small".
6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement. Withdrawn: $7,000,000.00. Balance: $0.00.
My son crawled for the first time while I was away on business. I also missed his first steps. I was now afraid I would miss his first words. Each day, I called home and asked if he had spoken yet. The answer was always "No" until one day my wife said "Harry has something to say to you... 'Daddy, daddy'". I heard it over the phone and I glowed with pride. My wife came back on the line and said "You should come home as soon as possible". "Why?" I asked. "He was speaking to the dog".
Three men are in a pub. First man says "Talk about a shock, I went into my daughter's bedroom the other day and there was a packet of cigarettes... I didn't even know she smoked!" "That's nothing" says the second man "The other day I went into my daughter's bedroom and I found a half empty bottle of vodka... I didn't even know that she drank!" "That's nothing" says Paddy "I went into my daughter's bedroom the other day and found a packet of condoms... I didn't even know she had a cock!"


A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" St. Peter replied "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter".

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word" St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word" answered St. Peter. "It's your choice". The woman promptly replied "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E".

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. "I'd be honoured" she said "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when low and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realises it is her husband.

"What happened?" she cried "why are you here?"

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman replied "Not yet. You must spell a word first". "What word?" he asked. The woman responded "Czechoslovakia".



Previously: #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>


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There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school.

His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George.

"George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"

George's parents immediately stormed into the classroom. "Our son is not dumb!" they yelled. "He is a sweet and kind young lad with plenty of potential!" "He has no potential at all!" shrieked Mrs. Jones. "He was born an idiot and he'll die an idiot!"

The Gunderson's were so outraged that they immediately moved to Chicago.

Some thirty years later, Mrs. Jones came down with a terrible illness and went to her doctor.

"You have a very rare disease" the doctor said. "There is only one doctor in the whole country who can sure your disease. His name is Dr. Gunderson, and he works in the Chicago hospital".

At once, Mrs. Jones bought a plane ticket to Chicago. After arriving in Chicago, she went straight to the hospital and asked for Dr. Gunderson.

While treating Mrs. Jones, Dr. Gunderson put her on a life support system. One day, she asked him "You know, Dr. Gunderson, I don't believe you ever told me your first name. What is it?"

Dr. Gunderson was about to answer, when suddenly, Mrs. Jones collapsed. She was dead.

Dr. Gunderson saw that the janitor had absentmindedly unplugged the life support system so he could plug in his vacuum cleaner. He shook his head and said to the janitor "You know, George, sometimes I can't believe you're my brother!"



Previously: #31 - #30 - #29 - #28 - #27 - #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - MORE >>

Four guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an Australian.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says "Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!"

The Australian glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him "Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back and protect you from the whiplashes. Let's start".

The bodybuilder steps up, with full conviction, he chooses a large and heavy metal shield to protect his back. Then, Satan starts with the whiplashes...

1... 2... and the shield breaks apart. The 3rd never came!

The bodybuilder screamed "Please NO, I give up!"

The Muslim steps forward this time. With a smug face, he asks for the physical manifestation of his faith to protect his back. He had done lots of terrible things, but it was all in the name of faith and it would protect him now.

1... 2... 3... and his faith began to waver... 4... 5... 6... and the sound of something breaking could be heard.

Before there was a 7th, he cries out pathetically "Stop, stop, stop. Please stop!!"

Here comes the Buddhist monks turn. He asks for no protection, for pain is in the mind, he will hide behind nothing, and his body would endure any torment!

1... 2... 3... and he grits his teeth... 4... 5... 6... tears could be seen in his eyes... 7... 8... 9... 10...

There is snot coming out of his nose and his back is badly mutilated. But he made it.

Now it's the Australian's turn. He is asked, by Satan, what does he choose to protect his back. The Australian ponders for a little while, and then calmly says "The monk".



An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for university.

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandma surmises the usual. It is fair that they are secretive, as her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic, she's sure she didn't raise him like that, but she wishes to tell him that she supports their relationship. In a discreet and proper way, of course.

The summer keeps going and the boys keep at their secret trysts, but the grandmother fails to find a way to tactfully mention that she can occasionally hear them at night. She does, from various context clues, pick up that his boyfriend, from his high school and going to university with him, is most likely the top, although she tries to not think about that.

Towards the end of the summer, her grandson seems especially interested in his appearance one night. She thinks little of it until she hears a ring at the door and lo and behold, there is her grandson's boyfriend, similarly well-dressed. She has to have a talk to them about their subterfuge, she's astonished that her son and daughter-in-law haven't figured out yet.

Unthinking, she blurts out a shout upstairs "Johnny! Your package has arrived!" Johnny comes downstairs, waving to his boyfriend and seeming confused.

"What did you mean about a package? It's just Steven".

She shrugs. She's been trying to do this tactfully for a while, and it hasn't worked, so it may as well be done tactlessly.

"Because he cums in the male".



Previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

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A man, when he died, wanted to be buried with all his money.

He decided to trust a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a doctor, and a third to his lawyer to bury it with him when he died.

After his death, at the man's funeral, the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funeral the lawyer asked what the priest whispered. The priest, with tears in his eyes, said that he had to confess he spent some of the money on an orphanage so that some hungry kids would not starve and that he feels bad for what he had done, but that he had no choice.

The doctor then admits that he too had to let him know that one of his patients needed a surgery that he alone could not do, that he spent some of the money to save the person's life.

The lawyer looks at them with scorn and says "How could you? You have betrayed a man's last request!" The doctor and priest look at the lawyer and asks "So your bag had all the money he entrusted you with?" "Damn right" he replies "I wrote the cheque for the full amount, not a penny less!"



Previously on Orsm: BIRTHDAY GIRL #2 - BIRTHDAY GIRL #1 - MORE >>

A man walks into a restaurant and orders Peking duck.

He says "I'm very particular so make sure it's from Peking".

About 20 minutes later the waiter returns and places a beautiful, succulent, roasted duck on his table.

The man smiles, sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around several times and sticks it up the duck's ass. He removes his finger and tastes it. He then turns to the waiter and says "I said I wanted Peking duck. This duck is from Nanking. Take it back".

The waiter dutifully returns the duck to the kitchen and returns in about 20 minutes with a different duck and sits it on his table.

The man again sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around and sticks it up the duck's ass. He then removes it and tastes, turns to the waiter and says "I said I wanted Peking duck. This duck is from Tongling. Take it back".

The waiter shrugs and dutifully takes the duck back to the kitchen.

A third time he returns with a duck.

The man again sticks his finger in the air, twirls it around, sticks it up the duck's butt, removes it and tastes. With frustration he turns to the waiter and says "This duck is from Nanjing! Take it back!"

The waiter takes the duck back to the kitchen.

A few minutes later the Head Chef comes out of the kitchen, walks up to the man's table, bends over, drops his pants and says "Sir, I'm an orphan. Would you please tell me where I'm from?"

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Baby Bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you two idiots?"

She continues "It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and then put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table".

She sighs, and continues "It was Mummy Bear who walked the dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them both their food, and refilled their water. "And NOW that you've BOTH decided to drag your-sorry-selves downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence... listen... listen VERY carefully... because I'm ONLY going to say this ONCE... "I HAVEN'T HAD THE TIME TO MAKE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!"



SECRETARIES previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

The new patient the psych ward says to another patient "I'm Superman!"

"No you aren't" the other guy replies.

"I am, I swear it!" says the first guy.

"You are definitely not Superman".

"Oh yeah, wise guy" growls the first guy "How do YOU know I'm not Superman?"

"Because" the first guy responds calmly "I am Superman"

The first guy looks at the second guy incredulously and asks "And just why do you think that?"

"Because God told me I am Superman" the second guy responds.

At that point, a third patient sitting nearby them stands up angrily, looks at the two of them and says, You guys are both crazy fools. Also, I said no such thing!"


RANDOM SHITE 2022 05 12

Previously: 5th May - 28th Apr. - 21st Apr. - 14th Apr. - 7th Apr. - 31st Mar. - 24th Mar. - 17th Mar. - MORE >>

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A pastor's wife walks into a butcher shop.

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. "That's Dam Ham" he replies. "I beg your PARDON?!" the lady says "I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language".

The butcher explains "Oh no ma'am, I'm not using profanity. Dam Ham is what we call the especially delicious filets we get from the big trout caught down by the dam". The woman apologises for the misunderstanding, buys the filet, and goes home.

Later that evening, her husband comes home from church and asks "What is that Heavenly smell?" "That's Dam Ham" she replies. "Honey! What would the congregation think if they knew their pastor's wife was speaking in such a way?" "Oh no honey, I would never!" she responds "They call it Dam Ham because it's a special filet from one of the big trout caught down by the dam".

She finishes making dinner and they sit down at the table with their two beautiful children. They join hands and say grace. The husband carves the meat, takes some for himself, then passes the plate to his son.

After taking his first bite, the husband says "Honey, you've really outdone yourself. This Dam Ham is delicious! "Right on, dad!" The son says "Now could you pass the fucking potatoes?"


A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice.

He asked the coach attendant if some ice could be arranged. The attendant explained train didn't have a kitchen since the food that was served was prepared elsewhere and loaded onto the train before departure.

The guy was adamant that he needed ice, he needed it now and price wasn't an issue. He shoved a few big bills of cash into the hands of the coach attendant. The large sum he was holding in his hand really motivated the attendant and he said "Let me see what I can do".

20 minutes later, he comes back with a small plastic tub full of ice. The guy congratulated him for his resourcefulness, got his bottle of whiskey and started making his drink in the plastic cup also provided by the attendant.

Two hours later, the guy came back to the attendant, slightly drunk and asked him to get some more ice.

The attendant says "I'm sorry I can't do that".

The guy presses on "But why not? You got it a couple of hours ago".

The attendant confesses "The thing is, the dead body was taken off the train at the last station".




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A man and woman get married.

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?" "No" replies the wife "That's what my mother always did. I never really thought about it until now".

So she calls her mother.

"Hey, mum, why did you cut off the ends of the roast when I was growing up?" "Well, that's what my mother always did. I never really thought about it until now".

So her mother calls the woman's grandmother.

"Hey, mum, why did you cut off the ends of the roast when I was growing up?" "Well, that's what my mother always did. I never really thought about it until now".

The great-grandmother wasn't alive anymore, but her husband was. "Hey, dad, do you know why mum always cut off the ends of the roast when I was growing up?" "Well, when we were married the roast was always juuuust too big for the pan".


Well dudes that Orsm all over for another week... but do not fret!

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. There you'll find updates going back to last century!
-Next update will be next Thursday. You should know this by now.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll get cross at you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mata ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2022.05.05-21.18

Welcome to the ending to Ozark sucked.

It was honestly starting to feel lot like the feeling you feel when the update isn't going to happen. Ya feel me? Not sure where it all went wrong but this fucker wouldn't come together in a timely fashion... but then it did and 1) you guys get some pretty amazing, free entertainment and 2) I finally get to go have dinner. Everybody wins. Check it...

Two idiots go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home, they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us $1,500" The other guy says "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
A young man picked up his date from her apartment one evening for a fancy date. In an attempt to make it fancier, the gentleman brought his brand-new land Rover Defender to pick her up. The young lady was impressed by the classic SUV as her dad used to own an old one, much to the delight of the young man. He then proceeded to discuss all its features in comparison to the older models. As they got in the truck, the young man forgot to mention it's most important feature. Young man: "Hey, did you know that 71 people can fit in this SUV?" Young lady: "What? How is that possible?" Young man: "Simple, 2 people in front... and 69 in the back".
Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Isles - same thing, not one canary there either.
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa". "You mean a sectional sofa" he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional". she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
On his evening walk Tony finds an ancient pottery bottle half buried in the silt down the river next to an old rusted-out van. Carefully examining the bottle, he notices that it still has a stopper in it, and there is some kind of writing etched around the neck of the bottle. Using his shirtsleeve, Tony gently begins to rub the mud from the bottle, to see if he can decipher the characters. To his surprise, a thread of smoke oozes from around the stopper and the bottle begins to shake violently. With a sudden *POP* the stopper flies off and a genie appears before him, its arms folded in the traditional genie manner. "Thank you for freeing me!" cries the genie. "I have been trapped in that bottle for over a thousand years!" The genie continues "In return for releasing me, I will give you a reward of one million dollars. However, Tony, I must warn you, if you accept it, the person you loathe most in this world will get twice as much. Do you accept the reward with these terms?" "Of course I'll take it!" Tony replies with a smile "My wife could use the money!"
I was helping a customer fill out some paperwork and he told me he didn't know his first name. He said his whole life people just called him by his last name "Johnson". He thought hard for a moment, then suddenly perked up. "Oh! You know what, I think it might be 'Fuckoff" he said. I raised an eyebrow at him. "Fuckoff?" He nodded. "Yeah, back in school I would approach the other kids and say, 'Hello, my name's Johnson' and they'd always say 'Yeah, we know, fuck off, Johnson'".
An employee goes to his boss and says "I've been doing the work of three men for the last 5 years; I deserve a raise!" The boss replies "I can't give you a raise, but if you tell me who the other two guys are I'll fire them".
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
The new Einstein theory. If you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 186,282 miles/sec (the speed of light), it would be theoretically possible for you to screw yourself. However, since you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at your age, you can also accomplish the same result by voting for Labor in the next election.

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A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts licking its butt. "This is my new attack dog" the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous". The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, licking. "He doesn't look too scary from here, he's more interested in his butt". "Oh, don't mind that" the guy replies. "He just got done biting my lawyer. He's trying to get the taste out of his mouth".
I do not like hip hop music, but I don't mean to denigrate those that do. And for those that do like hip hop music denigrate means to 'put down'.
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he needs a drink so he goes to a local bar. He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks "You ain't from around here, are you?" "No sir" He says "I'm from Minnesota". "What the hell do you do in Minnesota?" the bartender asks. "I'm a taxidermist!" the man replies. "What the hell is that!?" The bartender asks. The guy says nervously "I umm, mount dead animals". The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar "It's okay fellas, he's one of us!"
Mr whippy was found dead today. He had a flake up bis arse, chocolate sprinkles on his dick and strawberry sauce on his balls. Police think he topped himself.
A Jehovah's witness knocked on my door last night. I asked him in sat him down and said "Right, what do you want to talk about?" He said "Fuck knows, I never got this far before".


Every Friday night after work, Dave would fire up his barbeque on the shore of the lake and cook a venison steak.

All of Dave's neighbours were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks drifted over the neighbourhood and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Dave, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Dave attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran but now you are a Catholic".

Dave's neighbours were relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood again.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbours and he rushed over to Dave's place clutching a rosary and was prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Dave, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted to it: "You were born a deer, you were raised a deer, but now you are a rainbow trout".



Previously: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>


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A couple was invited to a costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going.

So he took his costume and off he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke up feeling much better and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there".

Then she asked "Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life!"



Previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

The couple were 85-years-old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last few decades.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now". The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing" Peter replied "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven".

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven" St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day".

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask" said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy".

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part" St. Peter replied "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to" was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself".

The old man glared at his wife and said "You and your fucking bran muffins! We could have been here years ago!"




Once upon a time in a village, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for $50".

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to the Stock Market.



Previously: #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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A middle-aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal flaps reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation". The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, you went through this all by yourself".

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago".

"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears".



CREEPING previously: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Jesus and Moses walk up to the tee of a long par 3 over water.

Jesus tees up his ball and is aiming for the green. Moses turns to Jesus and says "What are you doing? You're not that big of a hitter; you can't drive this green". Jesus replied "If Tiger Woods can drive this green then so can I!"

He then pulled back his driver and let it rip. The ball went about 2/3 of the way and splashed into the water hazard. Jesus then turned to Moses and said "Would you mind going and getting that for me?"

So Moses walks down to the edge of the pond, raises his putter and parts the water.

After handing Jesus his ball back Jesus tees it up and is aiming at the green again. Moses shaking his head asks Jesus "What are you doing? You just missed this shot; you're not a big enough hitter to drive this green".

Jesus replied "If Tiger Woods can drive this green than so can I" He then pulled back his driver and let it rip. The ball went about 2/3 of the way and splashed into the water hazard again. Jesus then turned to Moses and said "Would you mind going and getting that for me again?"

So Moses walks down to the edge of the pond for a second time, raises his putter and parts the water.

After having his ball retrieved for the second time Jesus tees up the ball, aiming again for the green. Moses is just beside himself saying "What are you doing? You've missed this shot twice! Just take a drop and you can salvage a double bogey".

For a third time Jesus replied "If Tiger Woods can drive this green then so can I!" He then pulled back his driver and let it rip. The ball went about 2/3 of the way and splashed into the water hazard again.

This time when he turned to Moses, Moses said "No, go get it yourself" So Jesus walks down to the water hazard and walks out across the water peering down looking for his ball.

By this time the next foursome has reached the tees and one of the guys sees Jesus walking on the water hazard.

He says "Look at that guy! Who does he think he is - Jesus Christ? To which Moses replies "He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Tiger Woods".

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Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all. When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.



PIERCED NIPPLES previously: #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - MORE >>

A railroad company is looking to build a tunnel through a mountain.

They've talked to various boring companies about digging the tunnel and the final three companies all agree that the job will be best done by digging from both sides and meeting in the middle.

However, they all acknowledge that there is a certain degree of inaccuracy with this method and the two tunnels may not line up perfectly in the middle.

So the Railroad talks to the first company about its proposal. The boring company say that they can get the work done in 18 months, it'll cost $120,000 and they can be sure that the tunnels would be within 10 feet of alignment when they meet.

The railroad associates note that this seems to be highly accurate but would like to hear the other proposals and see if there can be anything done sooner.

The next company states they can get the work done in 12 months, it'll cost $140,000, and they can get the tunnels within 15 feet of alignment with each other, but they couldn't guarantee anything more than that.

The railroad associates like 12 months better than 18 months for sure but paying more money is a bit off putting so they decide to hear the last company out.

The last company is a scruffy bunch but they say that they can get the work done in 6 months and they'll only charge $85,000 for the work. The railroad associates are somewhat shocked but before they readily agree they ask about how accurate the tunnels would be. The boring company turns around and talks amongst themselves for a short while and eventually they turn around and say "How 'bout this, we can get the tunnel within 25 feet of accuracy, and if not, we'll toss an extra tunnel in for free!"


RANDOM SHITE 2022 05 05

Previously: 28th Apr. - 21st Apr. - 14th Apr. - 7th Apr. - 31st Mar. - 24th Mar. - 17th Mar. - 10th Mar. - MORE >>

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A teenage boy goes into a pharmacy and asks "Do you have condoms?" The pharmacist answers "Of course we do". Boy "Well than give me one".

The pharmacist reaches to the condoms takes one and was about to ring it up when the boy said "You know I'm on my way to my girlfriends place for dinner, and she has a gorgeous sister and I think she expects something too".

The pharmacist reaches for another one and was about to ring it up again, when the boy said "You know what, I think her mum expects something from me too, better give me the whole packet".

The pharmacist gives him the box, rings it up and the boy leaves.

Later, the boy has arrived to his girlfriend's house. Everybody is sitting at the table. Dinner is served and everybody has their heads bowed saying grace.

When the girls family was done praying they started to eat, but the boy was still praying.

The main course came and went, but the boy was still praying.

His girl was wondering why is the boy behaving so oddly, she kicks him under the table and says to him "You never told me that you're so religious!" The boy answers "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist!"


Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?" "Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?" "What you think our baby will look like".

He stared back at her, eyes wide.

Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.

"What the hell is this?" she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no wounds showing on his stick body. "I *asked* you to imagine what our baby would look like!" she repeated.

"And *I* got a vasectomy five years ago" he said "So I drew a blank".




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Ruben and Carol meet, fall in love, and marry. They're a young couple without much money, but lots of love between them.

Every summer, they make a point to attend the county fair because they love walking hand in hand and exploring the attractions. And every summer, there's a helicopter ride at the fair that costs $50 for a 10-minute ride around the fairgrounds. And every summer, Ruben asks if they can afford to go on the ride and every summer Carol says "No".

"But, Carol. Wouldn't you like to ride up in the air and be able to see the whole fair from the sky" asked Ruben. Carol would always shake her head and reply "No. Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!" Ruben always knew what she meant, that they couldn't afford $50 for a 10-minute ride and he'd drop the subject.

Many summers go by and Ruben and Carol grow old. When they were well into their eighties and still attending the fair, they stopped by the helicopter ride and Ruben pleaded with Carol to let them go, mentioning that they may not have much more time left. But Carol would not budge.

Finally, the helicopter pilot comes over to the little old couple and says "I couldn't help overhearing how much you would like to go for a ride in my helicopter but that the price is an issue for you. So I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll let you ride for free as long as you don't say one single word during the entire time that you're in the helicopter. If you utter a sound, you'll have to pay the $50. Otherwise, it's free. My treat! Interested?"

Ruben and Carol gaze at each other. Carol finally gives in to Ruben's pleading eyes and they board the helicopter. The pilot takes off in a woosh, does all kinds of acrobatics with the copter, flies it high and then low, all the while hoping to get the couple to utter a sound so that he can pocket $50. But nothing. They are completely silent.

The pilot does more daredevil manoeuvres and still, nothing.

Finally, they get to the end of the ride. They've been completely silent. Without turning around, the pilot says "Well, what do you know? You just got a free helicopter ride! How do you like that?" "Well..." Ruben begins "Those loop-de-loop moves, they nearly got to me. When you made the helicopter swoop up and down, I thought I was going to scream! And when Carol fell out, I nearly said something. But fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"


Well fuck me drunk, I actually got this fucker finished. Quite possibly the best thing that's happened all week. You know what else is good? It doesn't have to end there. Read:

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Like over a kabillion years of Orsm updates for your browsing pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Well an 80% chance at least. *shrug*
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll use my teeth..
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and cheers mate ta. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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