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November 2020...
orsmupdate 2020.11.26-21.00

Welcome to taxis don't pick up whores.

Quite the clusterfuck of a week. Like I'm okay, everything is fine, its just been a challenging, tiring, all-consuming run to get to this point. Everyone wants something. And that's fine too but I haven't even had 5 minutes to check my email. Not actually the worst thing mind you. Aaaand I'm dribbling. That must mean its time to move on to arguably the best update of November. Its almost impossible to tell what you guys will love most of the time but from my side at least, the more stuff left on the cutting room floor, the better the update... and well, you should see my floor. I'll take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving... not because I particularly care if anyone has a good or bad one but because a whole bunch of "This is Australia not bloody America ya poof" comments will hit my inbox and I won't have time to read them. *shrug*. Check it...

My missus crashed her car into some guy last night. She told the police the guy had been on his mobile and drinking a beer from a can at the time. The police said he was entitled to do what he wanted in his own front garden.
Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned". She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so" said the foreman "He got out three times to go to the men's room".
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" "It's Frank. The midget".
I like to mess with the owner of the restaurant across the road. I myself am a restaurant owner and regularly go into the restaurant across the street to mess with the owners' head. It started out small, changing the salt in the salt shakers for sugar. Removing the labels from tin cans so they wouldn't know what's in them. During this whole time the owner had no idea it was me and therefore there was no retaliation. Anyway, after a while and some more substantial pranks, it appeared he caught on that it was me. I discovered this as one day when I came to the front door of my restaurant, a note was posted on the front door reading "See how you like it". As I walked inside, I saw that all my furniture had been rotated. It appears the tables have turned.
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if she had a newspaper handy. "This is the 21st century Dad" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my I Pad". I can tell you this: that fly never knew what hit him!
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon's office "Can I help you?" he asked. "I keep thinking that I'm a moth". I replied. "You probably want a Psychiatrist for that". "Yeah, I know". He looked confused. "Then why are you here?" "The light was on".
Three mice are sitting in a bar, drinking a beer and bragging about which one is the toughest. The first mouse says "I like to go up to a poison trap, tear off a chunk and place it between my cheek and gum, so I get a nice buzz all day". The second mouse says "I like to go up to a trap, flip on my back, grab the bar as it comes down and do 100 bench presses". The third mouse downs his beer and says "I'd love to sit here and chat with you ladies all day, but I have to get home and fuck the cat".
A boy comes home from school jubilant about being able to join the school football team,
As he walks inside, the father says, how did it go today son! The boy replies "Great dad, they said that they would give me a run on Saturday, and pull me off at half time". The father replies "Hell, in my day all we got were oranges!!"
I said to the wife "You should go without a bra more often" "Why?" she giggled "Is it because it's sexy to see my titties jiggle up and down and my nipples poking out"? I pulled down the paper "No, not really. They pull the wrinkles out of your face".

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This guy goes to a brothel and tells the madam he likes fat girls, so she takes him to one room and introduces him to a portly young lady, but he tells her he likes them fatter! So in to the next room and there is an American style fat girl and still he wants one even bigger! So the madam takes him to a real special girl that is just huge, he sees her and says "Perfect, this is exactly what I'm looking for!" So he pays and they are in the room fucking. He asks her to turn off the light and she asks "Why? Are you one of these kinky people that only has sex in the dark?" "No" he answers "The lightbulb is burning my arse!"
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks "Why are you so happy?" The wife says "The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old". "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband "What did he say about your forty-five-year-old cunt?" "Your name never came up" she said.
A Greek moved to New Zealand and wants to buy a farm. The New Zealander says he will show the Greek around. While walking around, the New Zealander sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He goes "Oh goodie!", pulls his pants down and starts giving it to the sheep. When he was finished, he pulls his pants up, looks at the Greek and says "Your turn". The Greek says "Oh goodie!!", pulls the sheep out of the fence, pulls his pants down and puts his head in the fence with his bum up in the air...


Two guys in a bar. One says "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Oh no, what the hell happened to him??"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and *BOOM* he hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window".

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones".

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid-air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him".

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him".

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him".

"Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my fucking house!"



Previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>


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A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian "You see how clever we are, bro? You'll never beat that!"

The Australian says to the Kiwi "Watch this mate, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi".

He says to the baker "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker "Give me another cookie for my magic trick".

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again "Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells "And where is your famous magic trick?" The Australian says "Look in the Kiwi's pocket!"



Previously on Orsm: PUFFY #7 - PUFFY #6 - PUFFY #5 - PUFFY #4 - PUFFY #3 - PUFFY #2 - PUFFY #1 - MORE >>

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other is holding the Star of David.

Many people walk by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

After a while, the Pope comes by. He stops and watches the throngs of people giving money to the beggar with the Cross, while none are giving to the beggar with the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says. "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. This city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you; especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross! In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite".

The beggar with the Star of David listens to the Pope, smiles and turning to the beggar with the Cross, says "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"



There once was an old toymaker.

His name was Abram Wright, and he had spent his entire life working on his craft. His only joy was to bring a smile on children's faces, by giving them the toys he made, entirely with his own two hands. He started working with wood, when he himself was a kid, and made the most wonderful dolls; then he started working with metal, and made the most ingenious automatons; and then he learned to use various tools and materials, and brought to life the most marvellous, almost living toys.

One day, the old man felt he was going to die. He had led a fulfilling life, and caused many a smile; he was happy; though in his heart, he couldn't help but regret seeing the end of it. He dreamt of making children happy forever. Abram was beloved and respected by all. When the townsfolk heard that his end was near, they went and ask the authorities to help him.

One day, as Abram was lying, his restless hands still making small wooden toys, even on his deathbed, there was a knock on his door. An important sounding man was there, clothed in army colours. He told the old toymaker that his life was too great, that he was too important to be left to die. The joy he has brought was extraordinary. "We want you to keep making the children happy" he told him "and we have just the technology for you to do that. We can extract your mind from your brain, and then put it back somewhere it could thrive. There is just one problem we still haven't solved: we can't create a proper recipient. A human brain cannot accept a different mind than its own, so we need a mechanical one. And no one, but you, are skilled enough to make one. Build yourself an automaton, a puppet with a brain intricate enough to contain your mind, and we will put you into it, so you can live forever".

Abram was happy. He didn't want to die yet; he wanted to stay and make even more toys. So he got out of his bed, and he got to work. The army had given him everything he could possibly need - every material that existed on the world, the most advanced technologies, and all the hands he wanted. He worked tirelessly, days and nights, creating the most advanced toy he had ever made.

And then, finally, it was done.

"Mr Wright" said the general "you have worked well. But we now face a new problem - we made tests on your creation. Our technology should work, yet somehow any brain we transplant fails to animate this vessel. If your mind also fails to fit your puppet, you will die". "I'm dying anyway" answered the old man "I might as well take one last chance before I go".

And so it was done, and it worked to perfection. Abram fell asleep on a flesh body, and woke up in one made of wood, metal, and plastic. He couldn't feel anymore, he wasn't hungry anymore, he wasn't sleepy anymore; but he was alive. And he could still make toys. He had given himself slender hands, a limber and fast body, so not only could he still bring joy to everyone, but he could also repair the most intricate parts of himself as needed, and he could live forever.

"I don't understand why it worked" said the general "but I am glad it did. You're now immortal, Abram Wright, so go and spread joy as it is you do".

The toymaker was happy. Both children and adults went to marvel as this big great toy that was making others. He was sworn to secrecy. No one would know that he was still alive. But he never cared. He spent his days playing with the children, and his nights making more toys for them. And he was happy.

One night, there was a strong knock on the door of his workshop. "We know you are here, toymaker!" yelled a powerful voice "come out, come out, we want to talk to you!" Abram opened the door, puzzled to discover two Asian-looking men sharing the same face. They could have been twins, but somehow, he could tell - they looked even too much alike. Like the same man having the two same bodies.

"Who are you?" he asked in his mechanical voice. "I am Lee Chan Wong" one of the men answered "and I seek to be immortal. I spent my life working on cloning myself, and I managed to put myself in a younger version of my body but my science is imperfect, and I am dying fast. My clones can't hold out. I stole the technology to put one's brain in a mechanical one, now, I'm going to need you to build the body I will then inhabit".

Abram refused, but the two clones took him and started tearing him apart. His body was resilient, but not strong, and he could do nothing to fight the two men that were one. But the toymaker lived for nothing but his craft. He felt nothing but the need to bring joy. "You can destroy me!" he cried "but you can never make me pervert my toys!". "Fine" one of the clones said "if you're not going to give me a new brain, I will have to take yours".

The poor toy could do nothing. The clones took him to their lab, where he recognised the technology that had brought his mind inside of his puppet. He was strapped to a table, and the machine was put in place. "I have studied the intricacies of the brain for longer than a lifetime, Mr Wright. I know the technology hasn't worked on anyone but you, and though nobody can tell why, I will use my first clone to understand the process, and then my second clone will take your place".

And so the poor toymaker's mind was erased. He laid there, powerless, as he heard the machines whirring sound getting closer; he felt the electric waves going into his mind, and then, he was gone.

But then, as the brain of his first clone dived into the mechanical one, Lee realised his error. What he hadn't know about Abram Wright, what nobody had ever figured out, is that the man wasn't simply great, he was a genius. His brain could animate the machine because his mind was simply greater. The technology had worked only with him, because it simply couldn't work on anyone else. A normal mind was merely not enough to animate his greatest toy.

The cloning technology that Lee had spent a lifetime developing had one curious side effect - it was not just his body, but also his mind, that was shared. He could feel, as if he were there himself, the anguish of his clone, stuck into his mechanical prison. He screamed and yelled and cried and fought and fought and fought, but he simply didn't have the strength to make to automaton move. He didn't have enough brain.

The desperate scientist knew what he had to do. One brain wasn't enough for the puppet to move, but two would surely be. He plugged himself into the machine, and sent his mind with his other self, inside the giant toy.

He saw the dark around him, as he couldn't see. He felt the absence on his limbs, as he couldn't feel. He heard the silence, as he couldn't hear. A wave of terror went crashing down on him, a double panic filling his double mind, as both brains came to the same realisation - they had failed. Two of the crazed scientist's brains weren't enough to animate the toy.

Crying a cry no one could hear, they stayed there, in a prison of wood, metal and plastic, buried inside the mechanical mind of a man too great for them to ever match.

They should have known. Two Wongs do not make a Wright.



SHOWER TIME previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - MORE >>

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes".

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah". "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard". "That's true, I do have a yard".

"I'm not done" the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house". "Yes, I do have a house". "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family". "Yes, I have a family".

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual". "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater".

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says "What's that?" Jim says "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No". "Then you're a queer..."



ASIAN BABES previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

One sunny day, three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary. Each of them has a great big smile on their faces.

The Coroner examines the bodies and then calls the Inspector to tell him what has happened.

"First lifeless body Italian; 60, died of heart attack while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector" says the Coroner.

"Second lifeless body Spanish; 25, won a million pounds on the lottery, drunk too much tequila, whisky, vine, rom etc. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile".

The inspector then asks "What about the third body?"

"Ahh, Jesus" says the Coroner "This is the most unusual one. Joshua the redneck from Kansas, 34, struck by lightning".

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the Inspector.

The Coroner replies; "He thought he was having his picture taken".

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One day an old man went to the bank.

After waiting in a long line, he handed his bank card to the teller and said "I would like to withdraw $10".

The teller replied quite abruptly and told him that for transactions under $100 he must use the ATM machine, so please move along as there is a long line behind you.

The teller returned the old man's card.

The old man stood there for a minute and then gave the teller back his card and asked the teller how much money he had in his account.

The teller checked and got very quiet and whispered "Sir, you have over $300,000 in your account".

The old man said "Please give it to me".

The teller said "But sir. We don't have that much money here in the bank. You'll have to come back tomorrow".

The Old man paused a moment and then asked "Well, how much can I withdraw?" The teller replied "$5000". The old man said "Okay. I'll take it".

The teller counted out $5000.

The old man looked at the money, put $10 in his wallet and then smiled at the teller and said "I'd like to deposit $4990 into my account, please".



Previously: #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9- MORE >>

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender "Don't mind us. We're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please".

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

"Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month" says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap" says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?

And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude".

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive".


RANDOM SHITE 2020 11 26

Previously: 19th Nov. - 12th Nov. - 5th Nov. - 29th Oct. - 22nd Oct. - 15th Oct. - 8th Oct. - 1st Oct. - MORE >>

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

"My goodness, Mary!" He says. "How have you been?" "Oh, could be better" she says. "My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren". "I'm so sorry" says the priest. "I'm on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral".

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there's a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it's Mary.

"I'm so glad I found you!" She exclaims. "Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets - and I just found out I'm pregnant with quadruplets!"

She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

"Oh Mary!" Says the priest. "Your joy is my joy. You didn't need to give me a thankyou gift". "Oh no, it's not a thank you" says Mary. "I want you to go back and blow out that fucking candle".


Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen" the Devil started "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell".

The philosopher then stepped up "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings".

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorised!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat". The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said "The third hole from the right". "Wrong" said the idiot "it's from my arsehole".

And the idiot went to heaven.





A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question, she answered "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra-terrestrial life on the planet". They said "Well okay, thank you". And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings". Again "Thank you" and they would get back to her.

Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead.

She thought for a while and replied "I would like to go to the sun". The people from NASA replied "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?" The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips "Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"


Well folks.. that's it! Not for EVER, just for today, this week and this month. I am very glad we're sailing into December. I can't be alone in thinking/hoping we'll hit 2021 and everything that went to shit this year will go back to normal.

-Follow me on Facebook. All Some'tha SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Try and imagine the best shit you have never seen stored safely in one easy to access location. Its like a mouth you can stick your peepee in anytime you like.
-Next update will be next Thursday. *FOURTH* last for the year. Then a couple of weeks off- fucking woooooooooo!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will I'll kill your family.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be a dick [unless you can't help it then just do your thing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2020.11.19-19.43

Welcome to smells like a bucket of hot cauliflower caught AIDS and coronavirus.

Back in May I ordered some earphones online. Saw an ad somewhere, thought they looked cool so whipped out my credit card to buy some. One of the rare times I didn't buy through eBay or a legit retailer. And they did look legit. Someone set up a slick website to do some drop shipping - why not give them a go. Tracking updates all looked fine too. Until the package just stopped moving that is. I emailed the seller and got a reply saying to just chill until such and such date, which I did, but still no earphones. Emailed again and no reply. Waited a week, emailed again, radio silence. Ended up contacting my bank who got me to fill in a form and do a chargeback against the seller. Meanwhile the seller's website and Facebook page went dead. Even found reviews from others saying they'd been gypped too. Clearly a stupid scam. Not sure what they were trying to accomplish because anyone with a credit card is going to get their money back right? And that's what happened - coupla weeks later the money was refunded and I went on with my life. Jumped on eBay and bought an identical pair which arrived in no time. Coincidentally, haven't really used them much because they're absolute shit. And tonight I checked the mail and there's a package. It's the fucking earphones. The ones I ordered over 5 months ago. Gotta hand it to them. One of the most bizarre business models I've ever come across. Hard to imagine how buying and shipping products to customers that you then go on to refund them for wasn't viable but what the fuck would I know?

Dudes, I have a bloody orsm awesome update that I am confidently confident you will all fucking love. You should go forth and enjoy. Check it...

A man went to get the results of his illness from the doctor. "I'm afraid you have Yellow 42 - a disease so rare it doesn't even have a proper name. Bad news is you only have six months to live". The man goes home and tells his wife. After the crying, she vows to spend more time together for the final few months together - starting tonight at the bingo hall. So they both go down to Bingo Hall. In the entrance way he puts a pound in the slot machine... and wins $200! He plays bingo and wins every line, corner and full house. He then plays the national link and wins $20,000. Upon receiving the money, the MC says "You must be the luckiest man alive. You win $200, all the bingo money and $20k national". The man says "I have Yellow 42" "Fuck me" says the MC "you've won the raffle as well!"
A student has sex with his French teacher and goes home and tells his dad. His dad says "That's my boy, a chip off the old block! You know that bicycle you have always wanted? Let's go down to the shop and get it for you". On the way back the lad was riding the bike. His dad told him he didn't have to stand up on the peddles. The lad said "I know that dad, but my arse is still sore".
My uncle was in a race across Europe. He was in first place for a while and got to the edge of the Baltic Sea and saw some sailboats drydocked by the water. He might have been a little too presumptive when he was pulling a boat to the edge of the sea. The boat's owner came over to him. He was an old Estonian and didn't seem to speak much English. "I need to borrow this to win a race. Can you tell me where the wind can take me?" The owner looked at the boat, shrugged and said "Helsinki". My uncle grinned and gave him some money and dragged the boat away to the water and sailed off. One of the challengers in the race was close behind. Saw what my uncle had done and went up to the owner. "I need one of your boats" he said. The owner looked at the remaining boats, pointed to one and said "He'll floaty". [I'm sorry! -Orsm]
A woman with a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". "I know" she said "I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came".
A bus was taking a group of Liverpool lads on a safari. On the way round the bus broke down. The driver radioed for help and was told not to let anyone off the bus. The lads had other ideas and opened the emergency door at the rear. A few of them were having a fag on the grass when the warden, and his armed safari team turned up. "You shouldn't be out here lads! The animals, the lions!" "No worries. We wouldn't hurt your precious, fucking lions".
I seriously can't believe the stuff some people do! Was sitting in church and the bitch beside me lit up a fag! "I was so shocked, I almost spilled my beer over my iPad!"
A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit. In due time, he received an acknowledgement: "Thanks for the vase" it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately".
So, two guys set off on a deer hunting trip. They rented a shack out in the woods in the middle of nowhere except they soon find themselves lost in the middle of nowhere and can't find it for love nor money. They spot a farmer across a giant field, almost a half mile away. They flip a coin to see who's going to go ask the farmer. Joe loses so he goes trudging over yonder, slipping and sliding in the muck, losing his boots several times. All scratched up and out of breath he finally reaches the farmer and asks "Do you know where the deer hunting camp is for rent at Bruce's Crossing?" Farmer looks up at the sky, strokes his beard contemplatingly, then shakes his head. "No sir, I don't know". Dejected, Joe slogs his way back across the mucky field. When he's three-quarters of the way back to the truck, he notices his hunting buddy jumping and gesticulating wildly, pointing back towards the farmer. Joe turns around to see the farmer waving him back. So, he slogs all the way back to the farmer and asks "Did you remember?" "No" said the farmer "I just called my wife on the mobile and she doesn't know either".

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The young couple arrived back from a wonderful honeymoon to begin their married life in a little terraced cottage. After his first day back at work, the husband returned home to find his wife in floods of tears. "What's wrong, darling?" he asked. "Oh Ben, I wanted everything to be so perfect for you, but I've gone and burnt the dinner". The man took her in his arms, consoled her and they ended up in bed. The next day, he arrived home to discover the dinner had been spoilt again, so after comforting her, they ended up in bed a second time. This continued all week but when he arrived home on Friday night, instead of seeing her in tears, he found her sliding down the bannister stark naked. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. "I'm just keeping your dinner warm" she replied.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and asks for the octopus. The waiter says "Okay, but it takes 8 hours to cook". When the man asks "Why does it take so long?". The waiter replies "Because it keeps turning the gas off!"
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen where 2 Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good".


Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see" answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says "Tickets, please!"

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see" answered an engineer".

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says "Tickets, please!"



Previously: PDA's #10 - PDA's #9 - PDA's #8 - PDA's #7 - PDA's #6 - PDA's #5 - PDA's #4 - MORE >>


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A Hollywood director was shooting a big budget movie on location in the desert.

One day an old Indian came up to him and said "Tomorrow rain". And sure enough the next day it rained.

A few days later, the old Indian appeared on set again, sidled up to the director and said "Tomorrow storm". And sure enough, the following day there was a fearful storm which brought a temporary halt to filming.

The director was hugely impressed by the old Indian's weather predictions and told his secretary to put the tribesman on the payroll.

However, after a number of other successful forecasts, the Indian didn't show for three weeks. Then the director sent for him.

The director said "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow and I'm relying on you. What is the weather going to be like?"

The old Indian shrugged his shoulders "Don't know. Radio broken".



Previously: #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a FOURTH TIME with the same result.

He did this a FIFTH TIME and now was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got FIVE tickets in the mail... for driving without a seat belt.



A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle.

The doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.

"Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes" replied the man.

"And did you have sex while over there?" The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice". The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'"

The man gulped.

"What do you do for it? Is there a cure?" "Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation". "An operation? What kind of operation?" "We cut off your penis". "Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?" The doctor replied "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!"

The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.

Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician.

After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.

"Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait. "Yes. Hong Kong Dong". "And is it really incurable?" "Yes, there no known cure".

The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?"

At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter.

"What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?" As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they think is surgery!" "You mean... I don't have to have my penis cut off?"

The man was overjoyed.

"Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, penis fall off by self!"



Previously on Orsm: #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

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A stockbroker from New York went out on his first hunting trip alone.

After four days in the cold and wet marsh, and after a dozen tries, he finally shot a duck. The duck spiralled down, and landed in a nearby farm.

The new hunter climbed the farm fence, and the farmer came out with a loaded shotgun pointing it at the hunter.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" asked the farmer. "I shot this duck, and it's mine. I'm here to collect it". The farmer took a long look at the hunter, and replied "This is my farm, it landed here, so the duck is mine".

The two men glared angrily at each other for a moment until the farmer broke the silence: "Tell you what. Around here, we have a way of resolving disputes like this".

The hunter had waited days for his trophy, so he was ready to hear any solution at this point.

The farmer said "To decide who gets to keep the duck, we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever gives up first has to give the duck to the winner".

The hunter didn't like the sound of that, but he agreed, because he really wanted to show that duck to the guys at the office.

The farmer decided that he should go first, since it was his property.

The farmer leaned back, and sent a kick into the hunter's groin that made him go cross-eyed. The hunter collapsed on the ground, rolled back and forth, and howled like an insane animal. He pounded his fist against the dirt, and rolled some more.

Breathlessly, he got back up, steadied himself, and said to the farmer "Okay, now it's my turn". The farmer replied "You can keep the duck".



Previously: #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - MORE >>

Two guys are working the night shift at a funeral parlour when they get a call to pick up a body from a car wreck.

They go to the accident and bring the body back to the funeral home. It's after 3am. One guy wants to put the body on ice and get to work on him the next morning but the other guy says that he's wide awake so he's going to get started in cleaning it up.

So he lays the man out on the table and cuts off all his clothes. As he is washing the body down he flips him over an notices that he has a large cork in his butt.

He pulls out the cork and suddenly hears singing... "Moon River, wider than a mile".

He puts the cork back in and the singing stops. He pulls it back out and hears... "I'm crossing you in style one day..."

He puts the cork back in and the singing stops. Of course, he can't believe what he's just heard so he goes upstairs and wakes up his co-worker and drags him downstairs to show him.

He pulls out the cork and hears... "Moon River, wider than a mile".

He puts the cork back in and looks over at his co-worker who is beyond frustrated by now.

"You mean that you got me out of bed at 4am to hear some asshole sing Moon River?"

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A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant.

The drill sergeant makes them line up and starts shouting at them.

"Privates!! I am your new sergeant and you have to listen to everything I say!! Now listen closely, I am sergeant Fenitals!! Did you understand?! FENITALS!! My name is sergeant Fenitals!!"

Now with a bone-crushing look, fully aware of what his surname sounds like, he asks the first soldier.

"What's my name, private?!" "S-sergeant F-fenitals, sir" the soldier stammers.

The sergeant nods and goes up to the second soldier.

"What's my name, private?!!" The soldiers replies with the straightest face he can make "Sergeant Fenitals, sir!"

The sergeant nods and goes on asking every soldier in line what's his name.

He comes to the end of the line where there is a British soldier who wasn't paying attention.

"What's my name private!?!!" The British soldier is clueless and stammers "We-well..."

"Did you understand my name, private!!?"

The others soldier are mimicking F with their mouth and pointing, trying to help the poor guy out.

In the soldier's mind a light turns on. He looks the sergeant in the eyes and says with a sure voice.

"Yes sergeant Follocks, sir!"



BLACK GIRLS Previously on Orsm: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A guy driving a brand-new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive.

He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks.

While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas station on a rickety moped, barely making it to the pump. The hillbilly parks the moped and gives the attendant 5 bucks to put in the tank.

While he's waiting for the fill up, he looks over and sees the brand new, shiny red convertible Corvette sitting there. He walks up to it, running his hands over the sleek body up to the driver's side, then jumps in and starts feeling all over the plush leather, admiring the knobs and dials. He grabs the steering wheel and pretends like he's racing, yelling out car noises and yanking the wheel back and forth.

The owner comes out of the gas station and sees the hillbilly in his car and freaks out. He runs over yelling "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CAR YOU DIRTY HILLBILLY!!". He grabs him by the suspenders, throws him out of the car, gets in and slams the door and races away. The hillbilly gets on his moped and leaves, sad that he didn't get more time in the beautiful car.

An hour goes by; it's night now and the Corvette is racing down the freeway. The driver notices a single headlight in his rear-view mirror getting closer, and closer, until a vehicle STREAKS by him.

The driver is stunned.

He looks down at the speedometer and taps on the dial, glaring at the needle touching 150kmh. He rubs his eyes thinking he must be tired and continues looking down the road.

Then a few minutes later, he sees the single headlight again, this time coming from the opposite direction. It gets closer, closer, then ZOOM shoots by him. The driver says to himself "Is that... that's the old hillbilly from the gas station! He's making fun of me! I have his brand-new awesome sports car and he's going faster than me on that stupid moped!?"

Then again, he sees in his rear-view mirror the single headlight, closer, closer, then ZOOM past him. The driver has enough and pulls off to the side of the road. The headlight comes back the other way, zooming past him going back and forth again and again and again until finally the old hillbilly on the moped, his hair and beard stuck straight back from the wind, putters to a stop in front of the Corvette. He gets off the moped gasping for breath "GOLLY MISTER I'M SURE GLAD YOU STOPPED! MY SUSPENDERS WERE CAUGHT IN YOUR DOOR!"


RANDOM SHITE 2020 11 19

Previously: 12th Nov. - 5th Nov. - 29th Oct. - 22nd Oct. - 15th Oct. - 8th Oct. - 1st Oct. - 24th Sep. - MORE >>

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The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied "I want to see Valerie". "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. He replied "No, I must see Valerie".

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000".

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied "St. Louis". "Really" she said. "I have family in St. Louis".

"I know" the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance".

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: Death, Taxes & Being screwed by a lawyer.


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

A couple drove to Wal-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.





Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.


Well folks, how 'bout that for an update? Pretty fucking good, eh!?

-Follow me on Facebook. Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there from time to time.
-Check out the archives. Brimming with goodness and potentially a few updates you've missed over the past 21 years.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Put in your calendar.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to brine the chicken first. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2020.11.12-20.55

Welcome to never eat anything bigger than your own head.

Unfortunately this week has fallen apart in ways that have me running a LOT of hours behind schedule. Next week is going to unfold in a not dissimilar fashion as well so definitely something to look forward to. Look, what I'm trying to say is we're going to slide right into the update today without any of the insightful insights, witty remarks and colourful blogging that 'really makes you think' for which I'm so highly revered. Admittedly a shame because there's a lot I wanted to write about the two cartons of double-yolker eggs I bought from the markets, how that affected me emotionally, what the public reaction has been and of course what the hens themselves have to say about it. So I'm sorry but here is the update. Check it...

A blonde was speeding in a 60 km/h zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!" The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman. The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this!"
It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said "Sorry, I won't dance with a child". "Please forgive me" responded the underclassman. "I didn't realise you were pregnant".
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office. When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for Little Johnny, who said "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size".
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, A Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. The husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained "Dirty magazines... the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned".
The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him "Come here! What's your name, sailor?" "James" the new seaman answered. "Listen carefully sailor, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name" the chief scowled. "It their last names only; Carter, Davidson, Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Master Chief'. Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye, Master Chief!" "Now, what's your last name?" The sailor sighed. "Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief". "Okay, James, here's what I want you to do"...
Blonde woman standing on the riverbank shouts across to another blonde standing on the opposite bank. "How do I get to the other side?" she asks. "But you ARE on the other side" says the other blonde.
A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof". Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog "You know there are only nine words here? You could send another 'Woof' for the same price". The dog replied "But that would make no sense at all!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions" he observed. To the first mother, he said "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy". He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny". At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered "Come on, Dick, let's go".

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A construction contractor buys a 10-foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew. It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4-foot sandwich. He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning. "Of course!" the boss exclaims "he's the subcontractor!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh" I replied "so now you want me to stay?"
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, standing beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said "Get that trolley over here, love... they're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2".


A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs.

He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs. The minister said "I have served you loyally for 10 years and you do this?"

The king was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded "Please give me 10 days before you throw me to the dogs".

The king agreed. In those 10 days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next 10 days.

The guard was baffled, but he agreed. So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

When the 10 days were up the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced. When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister, licking his feet.

The king was baffled at what he saw.

"What happened to the dogs?!" he growled.

The minister then said "I served the dogs for only 10 days and they didn't forget my service. I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!"

The King realised his mistake and replaced the dogs with crocodiles!



Previously: #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - MORE >>


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The couple had been happily married for 50 years when the wife died.

The husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion "How Much?!!!"

He reluctantly produced his wallet.

"I want summat simple" he explained "my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt 'ave wanted to be owt swanky".

"Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the desk. "Nay" he said "she wunt 'ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put 'Gladys Braithwaite's died'"

"You need to say when" he was told by the receptionist. "Do I? Well, put died 11th November, 2020. That'll do".

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed".

The man considered for a moment. "Well, put in 'Sadly missed'. That'll do" he said.

"You can have another four words for the same price" the woman explained. "No, no!" he cried "she wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out". "The words are included in the price" the woman informed him. "Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em" "Yes, indeed". "Well, if I've paid for 'em" exclaimed the man "I'm 'avin' 'em".

The obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite Died, 11th November, 2020. Sadly Missed.

Also Tractor For Sale.



Previously on Orsm: SOLARIUM #5 - SOLARIUM #4 - SOLARIUM #3 - SOLARIUM #2 - SOLARIUM #1 - MORE >>


You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

Procter & Gamble had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty Crest toothpaste boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors.

Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people.

They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected.

Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality.

Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should.

The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line.

As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.

He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero!

The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment; they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that" the supervisor replied "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang".



A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks him "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"  Farmer: "Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So what happened that's so horrible?" Farmer: "Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain." Man: "Okay, but that's not so bad."

Man: "So what happened then?" Farmer: "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." Man: "And then?" Farmer: "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So, what did you do then?" Farmer: "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things you just can't explain."

Man: "So, what did you do?" Farmer: "Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain!"



NICE TITS previously on Orsm: #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all envious. They corner him and ask "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask.

"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob says "I lied about my age".

His friends are fascinated "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says "No, I told her I was 90".



Previously: #31 - #30 - #29 - #28 - #27 - #26 - #25 - #24 - #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - 17 - #16 - MORE >>

On a desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman;
2 German men and 1 German woman;
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman;
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman;
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman;
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman;
2 American men and 1 American woman;
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman;

One month later on the same island...

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have emailed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a fruit and veg store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are depressed because the American woman complains about her body, the nature of feminism, that the water tastes bad, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least it isn't raining on the island.

The two Indian men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman.

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A teacher was explaining to her students how to learn from their mistakes.

The first student, Johnny, said "I went to the store to buy eggs for my mother and when I was riding my bike home I put all my eggs in one basket on the front of my bike. That basket fell off, and all the eggs broke"

The teacher replied "Well now you know that you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket!"

The second student, William, said "I was helping my father in the barn and we went to go count how many eggs the hens have laid, and when we were done we went inside and told my mother that there were going to be 13 new chicks. But when the eggs hatched, there were only 6 new chicks!"

The teacher replied "That's because you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch!"

The third student, Robert, said "I had an old Uncle, Uncle Luther, he tended to prefer to be alone and it worked out because people tended to not want to be around him. In his old age, he bought a farm, that was 50 miles away from any civilization, where he grew corn and the only livestock he kept were chickens. He had no wife, no friends, and no connection to any people, he didn't even own a dog. Now he preferred to live a solitary life but all men have needs..."

"Speed up this story, Robert" the teacher rushed.

Robert continued "Well he was feeding his chickens when he noticed one of his roosters was looking particularly majestic this day. He grows fond of this rooster, so much so that he takes him with him everywhere, he even let the rooster sleep in his house. Now one day Uncle Luther was longing for the touch of a woman, basically, he wanted to have sex, and while he was sitting on his couch thinking about this, he saw the rooster walk into the room. He knew nobody was within 50 miles of him and nobody was going to visit so he decided to have sex with the rooster! And while he was having sex with the rooster, he saw some liquid coming out underneath, and then my uncle realised that the rooster had orgasmed from the anal sex. Most people would find this disgusting but my uncle was a bit of a weirdo, and the sight of that made him ejaculate into the rooster!"

"Jesus Christ Robert" the teacher said "I don't know any lessons for that mistake, can you think of any?"

Robert thought for a minute and said "Well, at least now we know that the chicken cums first!"



Previously on Orsm: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven.

Looking her over, St. Peter said "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?" "I am" was her demure reply.

Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her.

Several minutes later the angel returned. "She's a virgin" the angel stated "though I'm obliged to inform you that she does have seven small dents in her hymen".

Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl. "Well, miss, we're going to admit you. What is your name?" Sweetly she replied "Snow White".


RANDOM SHITE 2020 11 12

Previously: 5th Nov. - 29th Oct. - 22nd Oct. - 15th Oct. - 8th Oct. - 1st Oct. - 24th Sep. - 17th Sep. - MORE >>

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There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum: "If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you".

Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend "If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised "I tell you what, put a $20 note in your inside jacket pocket, go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning".

The man goes home and before his very angry wife can say anything he declares "Somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-buck note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill".

His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out two $20 notes and demands "So why do you have two $20 notes in there then?"

He replies "Oh the other one is from the guy who shat in my underpants".


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag". "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer".

"Well, now, not so fast" said the cop "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no" said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!"

"Well, that seems only fair" said the cop, laughing.

"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays".





A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a check-up.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love" she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love" she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a check-up.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"



Well gentlefolk, the update, it be done. I'd be lying if I said it went to plan but we've managed to prevail nonetheless. If you loved it and yearn for more then please read on...

-Follow me on Facebook. All Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there for time to time.
-Check out the archives. Quite likely the most Orsm thing on the internets.
-Next update will be next Thursday. SERIOUSLY how do you not know this already??????????????
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will kick you in the cajoolies.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and my lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2020.11.05-20.41

Welcome to being wonderfully smug.

So... pretty quiet week. Fuck all happening, fuck all in the news. I haven't heard a thing about COVID. Whatever happened to that Trump guy???

Seriously though, I've been watching the election stuff more or less non-stop. Well its been on in the background aaaand I'll leave my coverage there...

Around the time you guys were sliding into last week's Orsm update, I was in the city dealing with another absolute fucking headcase. This on the back of the week before when Cunty McCunterson got in my face whilst I was out cycling. Anyway, we were minding our own business when some woman with obvious mental health issues, suddenly didn't like me. Okay so not quite the case - she walked by giving the bird, started hurling abuse, I gave her a toodle-oo wave and that fired her shit up. Red rag to a bull as they say. For a bunch of reasons, it wasn't appropriate to engage her so had to stand there taking the abuse. Was like torture! It lasted about 5 minutes. A crowd gathered, people filming calling her Karen. Security intervened and we bailed. Good times.

A few days later I was back in the city. Parked the car, jumped out and an aboriginal guy, who I'd just seen try and start shit with some other rando, started calling me a fag, poof etc. Another psycho looking for a fight. Walk away.

Go back a few months I nearly got us into a punch-up after talking to some woman. Okay I was drunk but on the bible I wasn't trying to crack on to her. Not good enough for her insecure husband though. He seriously lost his mind, we were outnumbered and got out of there. And that's not even it for the year. There's been a couple more on top of that. What's become obvious here is that I AM THE PROBLEM. Strangers hate me and my face makes people angry. To anyone who feels this way: LOL, suck shit.

Honestly though, I don't even have a point to this. The world's mental health is obviously falling apart and if at some point the updates stop, it just means one of them finally got me.

In the meantime though... this update was made with the express purpose of distracting us from the election and whatever other shitty stuff is happening out there. Hopefully it achieves exactly that. Check it...

A few times a week, there is a podcast that I love to tune into, especially because the two men talking edit the audio so I can hear one speaking in my right ear, and one speaking in my left. Earlier today, the podcast went live and I jumped in right away. They started the podcast as they always do, and began to discuss a weekly topic, contrasting ideas and opinions. Halfway through, the left side of my headphones cut out, and I could only hear a part of it. This ticked me off, because I hate one sided arguments where only one person is right.
A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian Horse, so he went to check it out. The horse's owner said "It's easy to ride him. Just say 'Praise the Lord!' to make him go and 'Amen!' to make him stop". Bill got on the horse and said "Praise the Lord!" Sure enough, the horse started to walk. "Praise the Lord!" he said again, and the horse began to trot. "Praise the Lord!" he yelled and the horse broke into a gallop. Bill was enjoying his ride so much that he almost didn't notice the cliff he and horse were about to go over. Bill shouted "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs, and the horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. Relieved, Bill said "Phew, Praise the Lord!"
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer" the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries" answered the farmer. "You ought to live here" the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours".
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache". "Certainly, darling" he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise "Say" said the druggist "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal". "That doesn't matter" replied the blonde "if I can only sell the car". "Okay" said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car". The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde "Did you sell your car?" "No" replied the blonde "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
A five-year-old girl went with her grandpa to get his hair cut. She had a snack cake in her hand. She loves her grandpa, so she was hanging on to him. The barber turned to her and said "you're going to get hair on your Twinkie". She replied "I know. And I'm going to grow boobies too!"
I was checking out at the store today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt - a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!"
This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says "I have to tell you something about your baby". The woman sits up in bed and says "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong??"  The doctor says "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite". The woman says "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says "Well, it means your baby has the... err...features... of a male and a female". The woman turns pale. She says "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"

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Susie and Johnny were playing doctor, when Susie suddenly started crying and ran to her mother. Later the Susie's mother confronted the Johnny's mother. "My Susie said that your Johnny was playing doctor with her!" Johnny's mother responded calmly "That's okay. Kids are always exploring. I wouldn't worry about it". Susie's mom screamed out "but he took out her appendix!"
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question "Have you ever been arrested?" He wrote "No". The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was: "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught".
A young couple move to a remote island off the coast. They are made very welcome by the locals although the husband is teased a great deal because he is clean shaven. All the other men on the island have neat beards. One night, as the couple are getting ready for bed, he has an idea. When his wife has undressed, he asks her to do a handstand in front of the mirror. Thinking it very odd, but curious to know what he's going to do, she agrees. Then the husband puts his face between her legs and murmurs to himself. "Okay, maybe a beard won't be so bad after all.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office and to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did this and returned to class. Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mum!" she said. "I did" he said "and she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up".


Cinderella is now 95-years-old.

After a fulfilling life, but now a widow, she happily sits in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life
since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed and after some thought replied "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my pension and I wish to be wealthy again".

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

The fairy godmother then asked "What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had".

At once, her wish became reality and she was young and beautiful again and she felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

The fairy godmother spoke once more "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob was immediately transformed into the most handsome man
Cinderella had ever seen. The fairy godmother said "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life" and disappeared in a flash of blue light.

Bob and Cinderella looked lovingly into each other's eyes. Then bob walked over to Cinderella and held her in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry now that you had my nuts cut off!"



VAGINA previously: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - MORE >>


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A man is sitting in a taxi in on his way home.

He realises he recognises the taxi driver and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe" rather unconvincingly.

A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this..."

The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.

"Brothers and sisters has he none, but this man's father is my father's only son. Who is the man?"

The passenger thinks long and hard then shrugs. "I give up. Who?"

"Come on. Think about it. Brothers and sisters has he none... but this man's father is *my* father's only son. Who must it be? It can't be anyone else".

Slightly aggravated by his own dullness, the passenger says "I dunno. Tell me. Who is it?"

"Why it's me of course. My father's only son is me".

"Ahh. Good one" replies the passenger and they continued the journey in silence save for his occasionally mumbling "Brothers and sisters has he none..." quietly to himself.

He gets back to his house and later that evening announces to his wife that he has got a good riddle for her.

"Brothers and sisters has he none, but this man's father is my father's only son. Who is the man?"

"How the bloody hell should I know?!" snaps his wife, without a moment's thought.

"Well, you're stupid. It's obvious. It's that taxi driver from the train station".



CHUBBY CHIX previously: #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - MORE >>

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday.

The two kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunk's trust and eventually able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site and the skunk is watching on, looking all sad.

The kids see how upset the skunk is with their impending departure and ask their parents if they can take the skunk back home with them.

The mum says "We can't children, we'll never get it past quarantine".

The kids are devastated.

Dad says "We could hide it in your mum's underpants, they won't search her".

The mum says "But what about the smell?" And the dad says "Well, if it dies, it dies".



Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to walk. The dog got up and walked, so they learned that a dog could walk with just three legs.

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.

For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.

As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the dog had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.



Previously: #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome... and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story? Always keep your condoms in your car.



Previously on Orsm: TIME TO WINE #3 - TIME TO WINE #2 - TIME TO WINE #1 - MORE >>

A man sat at the end of the bar looking sadly into his pint of beer.

"You don't look so good, Bob. What's wrong?" asked the barman. "It's the bloody wife" he moaned. "She makes my life so miserable, nag, nag, nag, all the time".

"Well, I've got a bit of advice" offered the barman. "There was a fellow in here not long ago who had the same problem and he was told that if he made love to his wife for five hours every night, she wouldn't be able to take the strain and within two months, she'd be dead".

"Was she?" asked Bob, with interest. "You bet she was" replied the barman.

So Bob went home and for the next six weeks he made love to his wife every night for five hours. One evening, he staggered into the bar looking 10 years older and completely knackered.

"How's it going?" asked the barman, looking concerned. "Well, the wife may be smiling a lot more and enjoying life to the full, but I console myself with the knowledge that she's only got two more weeks to live".

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Sam and Tim were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid" asked Tim "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know" Sam replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Tim asked him "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask" the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.

He returned in a few minutes and said "No, sir. No Chinese Jews". "Are you sure?" Tim asked. "I will check again, sir". the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sam said "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere".

When the waiter returned he said "Sir, no Chinese Jews". "Are you really sure?" Tim asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews!"

"Sir, I ask everyone" the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"



BIKINIS previously: #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances 'til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tumour and they need to operate immediately.

The doctor tells him that he has to remove the man's nipple during the surgery. Faced with losing his nipple or his life, the man quickly agrees to surgery.

As he's waking up from surgery, the doctor says it was a complete success. The man looks down and sees his nipple is still there.

MAN: "But Doctor, I thought you were going to remove the nipple?"
DOCTOR: "I did, that's a tattoo!"
MAN: "Wow, I didn't know you were a tattoo artist as well".
DOCTOR: "Yeah. No one expects the Spanish Ink Physician!"


RANDOM SHITE 2020 11 05

Previously: 29th Oct. - 22nd Oct. - 15th Oct. - 8th Oct. - 1st Oct. - 24th Sep. - 17th Sep. - 10th Sep. - MORE >>

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Yesterday I got my permit to carry a firearm.

So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me".

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad!  I just need to wear underwear more often.


A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me".

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you, can't wait to see you... we'll do all the naughty things you like".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet. We're out of beer. Back in five".





Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you" the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright" he says "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat".

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries "I want a MEATIER shower!"


Well dudies... that's update OVER. Coincidentally that's update 45 for the year. Next week I think we'll be seeing 46.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I even posted there today! Maybe I'll do it again sometime!!
-Check out the archives where you'll find last weeks update and every other one going back 21 years.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Straight damn.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ghost you on all socials making you think you've done something wrong... because you have...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy the whatever at the thing. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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