Welcome boys and girls... welcome to what Fictive Magazine voted the greatest website of all time! If Santa has just brought you your first computer and this is your first time here, come and experience what the internet is really all about - Porn! And lots of it!
I'm kind of miffed that this year has come and
gone so quickly. Already we're at Christmas which no doubt means
a day of sweltering heat, stuck running between relatives houses
for the duration... not that I have anything against my extended
family of course... I simply just "cant be fucked' with all
the Chrissy crap. I think I'd rather suffer through women's problems
than be bored out of my brain waiting to leave all day.
On a slightly positive Christmas note - I have managed to get all my present buying out of the way and accounted for. After some skilful negotiating, task delegation and a little bit of love I was able to get my present buying commitment down to just two people.
This is where I was quite proud of myself. The
first present, for my old man, took less than an hour to sort out...
maybe even closer to 45 minutes. I checked 2 different retail outlets,
made my decision and returned home with goods tucked firmly under
my arm. Better again is that I never had to enter a shopping mall
which avoided the 1km trek between parking and shopping and of course
the inevitable mall rage which
is usually rampant this time of year.
The second prezzie was easier again. All it required was a trip to the local supermarket and then the Post Office. Hey Presto! It was that simple and I'm done with plenty of time to spare. Sweet.
Once Christmas Day is out of the way there'll be New Years to look forward to... and this year I actually am. Some of you guy's who've been reading my crap for a while may remember me saying how I was trapped at a drum n bass extravaganza last year after leaving plans until the very last minute. That's one nite that won't be soon forgotten although not necessarily because it was good, but because that DnB crew are a scary bunch when they've consumed that many chem's.
Anyways, this year I've made plans. No way I am going to get caught out doing something shitola like the last few years. First up we'll be frequenting our regular favourite pub at which much alcohol consumption is expected. From there, back to my place for a party and from there to an undisclosed location to sit poolside the following day. It promises to be a long NY celebration filled with wine, women and song. My only concern is being able to stay awake that long... will have to see what can be done about that... suggestions anyone...?
One more thing to keep in mind... everyone should download this [requires MS PowerPoint]. Yes I know its old and yes I know I posted it last year but try keeping it in mind next time you're all boozed up and want to go driving. If you don't have PowerPoint then you can get the jist of it here.
A few months back some of you may remember I
posted a link to a site called Fukron.net. The site was about one
man's fight against a greedy corporation that wasted no time in
fucking over its own franchisee's. It's your classic David Vs Goliath
tale but unfortunately for our hero it didn't have a happy ending.
Pedder's continued to threaten anyone that hosted the site
[including me] to have it removed. Well the site is finally back
online with a new domain and won't be going anywhere anytime soon.
Check it here @ RipOffMerchant.net.
Seems that just as many people knew the location of the Ultimate Getaway as didn't. Got a stack of emails from you guys [thanks!] which suggested several possibilities but as far as I can tell it's the Hilton Hotel in the Maldives. If you want more info then check out these links: Link #1 - Link# 2 - Link #3 - Link #4
Now that the server has been all fixed after that hacking incident a few weeks back I proud to re-announce that Orsm Games is back online! This site is a guaranteed time waster so if you are bored at work I highly recommend heading over there for a look! Check it @ OrsmGames.net.
The Christmas Party - Fantasy Fest 2003 - The WalMart Babes - Snow Globe - Sober Santa - Interactive Christmas
FHM Girls - What The? - What The ? - Perspective - Wild ASCII - Beer Goggles - XP In A Box - Ferrari?
I know by now most of you will be racking your brains trying to think what you can get me to say thanks for providing you all with so much free entertainment all year round. I'll make it ewasy for you... first up I DESPERATELY want one of these. Failing that I'd be happy to receive pretty much anything off my wishlist! Anyway let's get on with the update...
Scott is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when Bill Gates walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Scott sighs, not recognising Mr. Gates, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims Mr. Gates. Scott brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." He shows him a time zone display for every time zone in the world. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Scott continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding."
Bill Gates is dumb struck with admiration. "That's not all...", says Scott. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Scott.
"View recede ten", Scott says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says Bill Gates, thinking of the potential profits after his engineers tear it apart and then market it throughout the world.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Scott.
"I've got to have this watch!!" says Bill Gates, becoming insane with desire. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $2,000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than..." "I'll give you $8,000 for it!" "But it's just not..." "I'll give you $20,000 in cash for it!" And Bill Gates pulls out his bulging wallet.
Scott stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $20,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in maybe a year or so. Bill Gates frantically waves the cash in front of Scott: "Here it is, right here and now, $20,000! Take it or leave it!" Scott abruptly makes his decision: "Okay," he agrees as he peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger.
They make the exchange and Bill Gates prances happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Scott after the stranger. Bill Gates turns around warily and says: "What?" Scott ! points to the two heavy suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries."
ALL THE REST AND GET READY FOR THE MOST PORN YOU'VE EVER SEEN!!
YOU'LL GET FULL UNLIMITED, UNCENSORED ACCESS TO OVER 50,000
ORIGINAL DOWNLOADABLE PORN MOVIES AND EVEN MORE PICS! CLICK
HERE TO CHECK IT!
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!"
A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and 'bang!' it lands lucky seven. Now he's really flying... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.
The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge." The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous sub continental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.
At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"
One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy, who I guessed was about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold winter night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten separated from his parents and was lost, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story - he said that he came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked 2 full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.
Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts for her children. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, however, when an older boy grabbed one of the $100 bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. "I did." said the boy. "And no one came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?'' I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realised that absolutely no one could have heard this poor boy's cry for help. So I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my car.
One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mum was coming to visit. This really stressed
Santa! When he went to harness the reindeer he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Santa went into the house for a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the booze, and there was nothing to drink. He went to make a coffee, and in his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. Santa went to get the broom, only to discover that mice had eaten the straw that it was made from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and he began cussing and swearing on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully: "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Christina Ricci's breasts have long been my forbidden fruit. I've spent countless hours scouring the net in a quest to find this hottie naked and just when I thought all was lost and such a bounty didn't exist, this little gem lands in my lap...
- Christina Ricci's Boobs -
A little Samoan kid thought it'd be funny to pour flour over his face, so he did. He then went up to his mum. "Look at me, mum," he said. "I'm a white fella." "Ton't pe so stoopit!" snapped his mum.
So he went into the lounge room where his father was. "Hey dad," he grinned. "Check it out, I'm white!" "Co kleen tat shit off your fayse!" his father yelled and belted him around the ear.
On his way to the bathroom, the kid met his Uncle Peni. "Hey, uncle Ben," he smirked. "Get a load of this - I'm white!" "Co away you liddle scallywaggle," his old uncle grumbled and booted him square up the arse. "Bloody hell," the kid said, "I've only been a white fella for five minutes and already I hate you black bastards!"
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed naked, with a lovely young thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, "Honey, before you leave, please let me explain."
The wife stopped to listen. He continued, "I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so
I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn't like. She was wearing some much worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you'd discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now."
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered. "That's all fine and good," she said, "but why did I find you both in our bed with no clothes on?" The husband replied, "Well, that's simple... see, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?"
A man walks into a stock feed shed and picks up some barbed wire, strolls over to the counter to pay. The guy behind the counter says "your're an Aussie aren't ya?"."Yep" the man replies "how'd ya know?". The guy relies "the mud on ya boots"."Yep"
He picks up the barbed wire passing two men as he leaves the shed. The first grabs some spraychems and heads to the counter."your're a yankie aren't ya?". "yeah, how'd you know that?"."It's the mud on ya boots"."wow,that's amazing!"
Over hearing this conversation the third man walks up to the counter after picking up some gumboots."Your're a Kiwi aren't ya?" Excitedly he replies "yer I know, I know it's the mud on me boots..." Casually the guy replies "Na mate it's the wool in ya zipper!"
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"
|ONLY AT CHRISTMAS
Things you can get away with saying only at Christmas...
1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
A blonde decides to go horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She selects a placid looking horse, pays her money and mounts the horse unassisted (though with some difficulty).
The horse springs into action. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic rate. The blonde starts to slip from the smooth saddle. In terror she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck but she slides down the side of the horse. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot had becomes entangled in the stirrup and she strikes the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when... the Manager of Woolworth's, rushes out and turns it off.
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
WE ALL KNOW WHAT CHICKS WHO LIVE TOGETHER GET UP TO BEHIND CLOSED DOORS RIGHT?
** WHADDYA MEAN NO!?
CHECK OUT WELIVETOGETHER.COM AND FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF! **
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy.
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison..."
Steve is shopping for a motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
A lawyer and a blond were sitting next to each other on the long flight from Melbourne to Perth. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to sleep so she politely declines and faces the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and vice versa."
Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde does not say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's her turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer throws her a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all references. Frustrated, he emails all his friends and co-workers, nobody has any help. After three hours, while the plane is getting ready to land, he wakes the blonde and hands her the $500.
The blonde thanks him and puts it in her purse. The lawyer, who is more than miffed, says OK and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word she reaches into her purse again and hands him $5...
Oodles and oodles and oodles oodles of mail again this week. Gotta love it. If you've got something to say then I wanna hear it... if I don't then your email will be deleted! Drop me a line here.
PAUL FAULKNER wrote:
Subject: evil santa
Gday,this is a foto of me and my brother taken in 1967 at myers in melbourne. Is he not the most evil looking santa known to mankind. Keep up the good work excellent site. Paul
phil and brook wrote:
Subject: Lazy Christmas
Its a 40 degree day , cant be fucked to do n e thing. mums nagging me to
put up the xmas tree, we decided we would take the easy way out. hope u like
the pic of our beautifull tree.
Vic Clark wrote:
Subject: owenhart fall.mpg fact
hey orsm, your site rocks, well if u didn't know u have a movie shot of "owenhartfall". i can tell u for a fact that isn't it for two reasons. first that is a wrestler named either nova or sabu in a scafolding match. second being, i was in attendance in kansas city missouri at the kemper arena when owen hart fell to his death, which would of been an awesome video to have, though i doubt there is really one out there.
sdfjkgh sdfjkgh wrote:
Subject: oven hart video
that isnt the own hart death video, its from the XPW: Freefall event from last year between Vicious Vic Grimes and New Jack in a Free Fall Scaffold Match. Literally, the winner is the bloke who throws the other guy off that scaffold.
Subject: Pryceless Pic for you
This is my buddy, he got all fucked up then fucked
this neighbor bitch who was high on coke. We just stuck the camera
in the door and snapped it. She still has no idea.
Saw this on the way to a car
cruise... Mt Henry Bridge
Subject: Fun Names in South East Asia
Hi Orsm, Great, great site! I first found you
through the Priceless Series and have trawled all the Random Shite
stuff, which is wonderful. I saw one recently with a signpost
from Malaysia that was a hoot. I attach a couple of pics from
North Borneo where I was on holiday in 1999. Would you buy a car
from these people? I have changed the telephone number in the
pic so they don't get harrassed. There was a restaurant we passed
in Kota Kinabalu called "Soon Fat" but I never went
back for a picture. I hope you can use them. On the same theme,
I work on oil rigs - I enjoyed your recent pics of bad weather
- and in 1986 we were bored, rig stacked in Hong Kong, and one
smoko we sat in the office rolling about with laughter. We had
a copy of the Hong Kong Yellow Pages, and we were thinking up
amusing Chinese names, looking them up - AND FINDING THEM. The
best ones were Chiu Fat Bakery, Lee Kee Motor Boat Co and Win
King Optical Co. I can't now remember any more. But I do remember
taking the bus from Central in HK up to the Peak. As you go over
the hill to Happy Valley there is a big hospital on the left,
the Ruttonjee TB Sanatorium. Just opposite was a huge billboard
with an advert for the Tin Lung Motor Co. I just collapsed. Got
some funny looks. We had a couple of catering crew join us one
trip - ther was a steward called Chen Tin Kan and a baker called
Yu Pui Yuk. Later we had a radio operator called Ham.
Couple of rig pix for you as well. The crane is called the THIALF
and can lift about 7000 tonnes I believe, this was a 7 storey
block of accommodation - only weighed 400 tons, added to the Dunbar
platform in the North Sea. The other is the Sedco 706 stacked
in Invergordon last autumn - gives an idea of the size. Same rig
as the storm pix on the Naval website.
R. M. wrote:
Subject: pics of me with this month's "rose"
Orsm, For whatever it's worth (or not worth),
I have a picture of me with "rose" (aka xxxena) at the
Laconia bike week rally. Also attatched you will find pics of
her trike and her having sex on the trike with her manager. If
you'll notice, he's got about 50 cts worth of diamonds in his
ear. Also, check out the gold plated chics grabbing onto the exhaust
Subject: Cyclone Vance
Hi mate, Love your site, and I have noticed
how you get lots of pictures of storms. Well I haven't got pictures
of the storm for you, but here's afterwards. No 1 is up in the
ranges, where most of the phone poles got bent double, damn that
wind must have been blowing. In No 2 there are actually two boats
in that berth, I don't know how badly damaged the one on the bottom
is but it aint floating that's for sure, and finally No 3 is the
road to the marina, well what's left of it. Cyclone Vance was
the most powerful Cyclone ever to strike an inhabited region,
the town of Exmouth, and not a single person was killed, but as
you can see the town suffered a bit. My brother features in two
of the photos. have fun mate
Subject: Our Racing/Stunting Videos
Hey Orsm, How goes it? Before I forget, make
this anonymous. Thanx. Anyway, I've been visiting your site for
a while now and noticed that during your most recent updates you
have some racing/crashing pictures or videos a lot more now. So
I'm guessing you like the stuff. Well me and my group, 94 Octane have
a few videos and pictures that you might like to check out. Our
website is: http://www.94octane.com
and we have 2 videos right now. One very amateur video and then
one pretty good video. The amateur is just something we always look
at to see how much we sucked in the beginning. Direct Link To Multimedia:
http://94octane.com/multimedia.html. Anyway, hope you like the stuff
and hope it's Orsm.net material. Take care. Keep up the good work.
DEAR SIRS Osrm! I am sending to you my picture
and i hope you will publish it. I would like to ask you to inform
me if and whwn it will be poublished on your website. BEST REGARDS
SILVO fom Ljubljana, SLOVENIA, EVROPA
I saw this plate on a Smart car in a little
town in Germany. None of my friends got the joke even after I
showed it to them, but it was very apparent to me what it said.
Subject: Dont copy that floppy!
hey orsm, found a really funny anti-piracy
vid from the early 90s. hope u like. Keep up the good work mate!
The last time I saw something that gay is when my mate Chris tried to grab my dick... -Orsm
Subject: Clean Underwear
From the USN ..... Look closely at this film
clip. What you'll see is the stern of a TICONDEROGA (CG 47) class
cruiser. This class of ship has two combination missile magazines
and launchers, one forward and one aft. Each contains 61 missiles
that are launched vertically. You'll see a missile launched from
the forward assembly followed closely by a launch from the after
It happens fast so the film clip contains
an instant replay in slow motion. Look closely and you'll see an
errant Sailor walking from your right to left, just above the ship's
gun turret. I don't know what this sailor was doing. I understand
the crew member survived but required a change of underwear.
Jeff & Marie wrote:
Subject: britney and madonna
Didn't notice if you've posted this before or not, but here some nice young fellow has gone to the trouble of looping it for us. God bless the PR dude who convinced them to do this, he is now our king.
|Bogdan Gherman wrote:
It`s just my girlfriend but i think she look just great!
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first
asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.
After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, Once a year! To John's dismay, he responds, Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year? The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"
Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude
webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length
adult movies, and even download
all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need
is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup
with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just
go over there for yourself and have
A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away." Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for a while..." Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know." The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay." Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know." She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa... Please... Stay...." Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!"
Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."
"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say 'How about a little rumpity-pumpity' and she always pretends to be asleep."
A New Yorker was fed up and couldn't take any more stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded, rough looking Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Billy Bob...Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday...Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Billy Bob is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem...After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Tough crowd, huh" Sam jokes, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. "One more thing...there's probably gonna be some mighty wild sex too." "Now that's definitely not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll absolutely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Billy Bob stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.
Q: Is it true the character 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' was created for the Montgomery Ward department stores?
A: Yes it's true. Instead of being long time traditional folklore, Rudolph was created as a promotion for Montgomery Ward's. Rudolph came to life in 1939 when the Chicago-based Montgomery Ward asked one of their copywriters, 34-year-old Robert L. May, to come up with a Christmas story as a promotional gimmick. May, who had a penchant for writing children's stories created a booklet to give away to kids during the holiday shopping season.
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was printed commercially in 1947 and shown in theatres as a nine-minute cartoon the following year. The Rudolph phenomenon really took off, however, when May's brother-in-law, songwriter Johnny Marks, developed the lyrics and melody for a Rudolph song. Marks' musical version of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (turned down by many who didn't want to meddle with the established Santa legend) was recorded by Gene Autry in 1949, sold two million copies that year, and went on to become one of the best-selling songs of all time (second only to "White Christmas"). A TV special about Rudolph narrated by Burl Ives was produced in 1964 and remains a popular perennial holiday favourite in the USA.
THEY SUCK AND FUCK OUR COCKS LIKE NOTHING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN... AND THEN GET DRENCHED IN CUM!
COME SEE THE SITE THAT BROUGHT REAL PORN TO THE INTERNET! CUMFIESTA.COM
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies, swallowing hard. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
|ANYONE FOR FISHING?
don't know if you are familiar with "noodling", but it
is the term for the way Oklahoma guys catch their fish. These guys
wade out into the river and feel for holes or logs on the river
floor. When they find a catfish hole, they stick their hands in
there wiggle their fingers, the cats latch on and the 'idiots' pull
out these monsters.
people lose their lives each year because of this. Some fish are
so big they literally pull the 'idiot' under. Snapping turtles and
snakes claim their fair share of rednecks too. Here are some pictures
of what they come out with. These guys are NUTS!!!!!! Pretty amazing
Two families move from India to Australia. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet in a year's time whichever family has become more Australian will win. A year later they meet again:
The first man says, "My son is playing AFL, I had a meat pie with sauce for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of VB, how about you?"
The second man replies, "Fuck off, raghead."
Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill. Clinton stared at the guy, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and nodded his head.
Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped her right over the wall onto the field. She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Bill is bowing and smiling, when the agent leans forward and says: "I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"
ALL THE REST AND GET READY FOR THE MOST PORN YOU'VE EVER SEEN!!
YOU'LL GET FULL UNLIMITED, UNCENSORED ACCESS TO OVER 50,000
ORIGINAL DOWNLOADABLE PORN MOVIES AND EVEN MORE PICS! CLICK
HERE TO CHECK IT!
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went into the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled " Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge? To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot!"
Well guy's that's pretty much all I'm good for. God knows I worked my ass off not only on this update but all this year. Had a lot of fun, had a lot of not fun but in general it hasn't been too bad.
Big thanks to everyone who's sent me shit, emailed me, surfed the site and anyone else that I haven't covered. Also huge thanks as always to Honer and Kook because the site wouldn't be here without your help.
Oh one more thing... next update will either be first or second week of January so no emailing me saying to hurry the fuck up or I'll fill your email up with gay fisting vids! You have been warned!
Merry Christ, Happy New Years and drive safe! On that note I'm outta here. Until next year, be good, get on the chem's and don't forget to buy me something for fucks sake! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.