Welcome to Orsm.net.
Could not seem to maintain anything resembling a schedule this week. Worked my dick hole off and was insanely productive yet still couldn't overcome the mountain of stuff needing doing. Haven't even had a chance to browse my email and educating idiots on social media comments sections has dropped to an all time low. THAT SAID... the update still turned out incredibly solid; borderline brilliant. Its one that historians will point to as being game changing. Check it...
I said to my neighbour "Are you aware your teenage daughter was in your garden sun bathing topless today?" With a disbelieving look he said "Are you sure?" "Yes" I said "and I've got loads of pictures to prove it".
THE FOUR KINDS OF SEX. HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX: After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU". COURTROOM SEX: When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole". The grandfather replies "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole". The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars". The grandfather replies "I know. That's from your Grandma".
In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine". The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room". She replied "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that". The cowboy said "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference". She said "You tell him. He is the one shaving you".
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said "Lord, they're finally together". One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied "I think he means her legs!"
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This" he explained "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste". After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth".
Trashy TypeShe's 19 Years Old, Bisexual And Loves Watching Porn. I Mean What More Can A Man Ask For? This Is Housewife Material... She's Watches Porn, Luvs Women And Gives Some Of The Best Sloppy, Deepthroat Head I Ever Had. - OMG Messed UpThis Chick. She's 19, Anti-Semen And Dumber Than A Mailbox On Sunday. In Other Words: She Was Born For eFukt. - Insta-RegretOops? Guy Instantly Regrets Trying To Commit Suicide - Model TitsMariina Keskitalo Is Topless And For That, We're Thankful. - For The FansFingered At The Sex Convention?? Anything For A Fan! - Excellent HandyGerman Teen Gives The Greatest Hand Job In Human History - Tits OUTKelly Rohrbach Topless On Her Vacation - Reddit BabeI Think You’ll Agree. The Shape, The Size, The Nipples... Everything About Shroedingerzkat’s Boobs Are Perfect!! And, They Are All Natural! - WhackedJust Another Day In Brazil
Umm Wot!?Inhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Lotsa'buttsPhun Presents Bonus Butts #120 - Cummy ClownAnother Reason Not To Trust Hookers In Brazil! - Lily ThaiNothing Like A Little Thai First Thing In The Morning ;-) - She A Keeper?He's Definitely Not Kissing Her When This Is Over! - MILF DoggystyleMILF Amateur Loves It Doggystyle - Surely Not..The Latest 'Social Media Challenge' Is Simply Retarded - Hot AgainHeather Graham Will Always Be The Bush On Roller Girl And Really The Tits In Every Big Movie She Did Back When She Was Relevant –And She Was Very Fucking Relevant– These Tits Were Everywhere..!! - WRONGThe Worst Subway Video You'll See Today
Phunny PixFunny Pictures DCLXXXV - Wet T-ShirtSara Jean Underwood Boobs In Wet White T-Shirt - Hot EVERYthingSexy Pics Of Asian Porn Star Jade Kush Flashing Her Lovely Boobs Outdoors For FTV Girls! - InhumanityInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Wrong HoleLulu Love Gets An Unexpected, Unwanted Invite To A Turkish Bike Ride. Likely Due To This Rectal Romeo Giving More Fucks About Where His Third Supper Is Coming From Than What He's Aiming At. - Doesn't CareTalking About Chinese Humanity - Dirty Girl ;-)Miss Colorado 2013 Made Her First Porno! Ha! Don't Worry - They Are All This Dirty, Most Of Them Just Don't Make Sextapes! - First AnalIndian Girl Cries During Her First Anal Experience - Fully NoodAlexandra Smelova. She’s From Russia, Which Is Exactly Where You’d Want A Model Like This To Be From, So That You Could Offer To Buy Her For A Green Card, Provided Her Boyfriend Isn’t Some Rich Russian Mobster Gangster, Because The Russians Are Ruthless People With Hot Chicks Like This To Keep Them All Rewarded...
I had a dream the other night. In it, I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out "What was all that about?" He replied "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through".
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing" the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three". "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk".
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. In my case, a new urologist. My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous - as well as unbelievably sexy! She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her "Why?" She answered "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said "Do you want to have sex?" "No" she answered. I then asked "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes". So I said "Then I'd like to phone a friend..." And that's when the fight started...
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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.
He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.
Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated "I agree but under four conditions".
The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex".
"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex".
"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one".
After another long pause a voice arose and asked "And the fourth condition?"
The Pope smiled and replied "Big tits".
GIRLS LEZZING OUT previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >
In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".
"That's correct" said the boss.
"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels".
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who the father is!"
"I've had a recurring fantasy for years" I confessed to the wife while we were on holiday. "I've always wanted a really sloppy blow job outside, on a balcony in the sun". Before I could say anything else she said "Well let's see what we can do"...
She purred, dragging me out of the French doors, onto our tenth-floor sun deck. She pushed me down into the wicker chair and yanked my stiff dick out of my shorts, slobbering all over it like she was being paid to do it.
Five minutes later, I fired my muck all over her face, neck and chest, drained.
"How was THAT, then?" she asked, cleaning herself down. "Well to be honest, love" I admitted "it wasn't quite how I'd imagined it".
"Oh...?" she said, disappointed. "How did you imagine it, then?" "With your sister..."
WOULD YOU BUY THESE GIRLS A DRINK? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY YOU WOULD - THEY'RE CLUB SLUTS!
Previously on Orsm: CLUB SLUTS #3 - CLUB SLUTS #2 - CLUB SLUTS #1 - MORE >>
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ORSM VIDEO: THE TAKEN FLIGHT EDITION
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it". The old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here".
The indignant lawyer said "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own".
The old farmer smiled and said "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule".
The lawyer asked "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up".
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart and vengeful will, managed to get to his feet, and said "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn".
The geezer smiled and said "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck".
Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says "I just got into Chicago". "Great" replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.
Shocked, she asks "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
Previously: CURVY GIRLS #4 - CURVY GIRLS #3 - CURVY GIRLS #2 - CURVY GIRLS #1 - MORE >
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was the bravest of fighters and showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo quieted the crew and then gave the order "Bring me my red shirt".
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, the officers discussed the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?"
The captain replied "No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized". The men sat in silence and marvelled at such courage.
One morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all gasped with fear, but then looked to their captain for guidance. Captain Bravo displayed no emotion, and in a calm voice said to the first mate "Get me my brown pants".
OLDER SHITE: 1st February - 25th January - 18th Janaury - 11th January - 4th January - Xmas [II] / [I] - MORE >
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A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mum is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear".
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mum and asks "Mum, am I pure polar bear?" She answers "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear".
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks "Grandma... Grandpop... am I all polar bear?" His grandma answers "Of course you are sweetie. Were all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies "Because I'm fucking freezing!"
SIDE BOOB Wins Previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy.
"Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there".
The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
Previously on Orsm: CLARISE - ALICE - MATHEA - SASHA - ARIEL - KASSANDRA - SUZAN - CATHERINE - MORE >>
I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well-groomed terrier.
As we met on the path, I greeted her "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have".
"Thank you, sir" she said "And what a nice day this is isn't it?" "Yes it is" I answered "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing". "Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile. "Yes, very pretty" I answered.
"By the way, what's your dog's name?" "Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?" "Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him Porky?" "Because he fucks pigs!"
-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I honestly don't know why you wouldn't. I also don't know why you wouldn't do exactly what the fuck I say. DO WHAT I SAY!
-Next update will be next Thursday. If I can catch up. Holy shit the past few weeks have been challenging. Cannot for the life of me get on top of everything. Yes poor me boohoo.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will log on to your PS4, Xbox or whatever console you use and delete all your saved games.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ask yourself if the person you're about to tell your story to will actually care. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.