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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
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February 2018...
orsmupdate 2018.02.08-20.17
VALYA

Welcome to Orsm.net.

Could not seem to maintain anything resembling a schedule this week. Worked my dick hole off and was insanely productive yet still couldn't overcome the mountain of stuff needing doing. Haven't even had a chance to browse my email and educating idiots on social media comments sections has dropped to an all time low. THAT SAID... the update still turned out incredibly solid; borderline brilliant. Its one that historians will point to as being game changing. Check it...

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER - INSTAGRAM

I said to my neighbour "Are you aware your teenage daughter was in your garden sun bathing topless today?" With a disbelieving look he said "Are you sure?" "Yes" I said "and I've got loads of pictures to prove it".
--
THE FOUR KINDS OF SEX. HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX: After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU". COURTROOM SEX: When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
--
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole". The grandfather replies "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole". The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars". The grandfather replies "I know. That's from your Grandma".
--
In a train from London to Manchester, a tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother!"
--
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine". The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room". She replied "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that". The cowboy said "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference". She said "You tell him. He is the one shaving you".
--
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said "Lord, they're finally together". One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied "I think he means her legs!"
--
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This" he explained "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste". After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth".

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Trashy TypeShe's 19 Years Old, Bisexual And Loves Watching Porn. I Mean What More Can A Man Ask For? This Is Housewife Material... She's Watches Porn, Luvs Women And Gives Some Of The Best Sloppy, Deepthroat Head I Ever Had. - OMG Messed UpThis Chick. She's 19, Anti-Semen And Dumber Than A Mailbox On Sunday. In Other Words: She Was Born For eFukt. - Insta-RegretOops? Guy Instantly Regrets Trying To Commit Suicide - Model TitsMariina Keskitalo Is Topless And For That, We're Thankful. - For The FansFingered At The Sex Convention?? Anything For A Fan! - Excellent HandyGerman Teen Gives The Greatest Hand Job In Human History - Tits OUTKelly Rohrbach Topless On Her Vacation - Reddit BabeI Think You’ll Agree. The Shape, The Size, The Nipples... Everything About Shroedingerzkat’s Boobs Are Perfect!! And, They Are All Natural! - WhackedJust Another Day In Brazil

Umm Wot!?Inhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Lotsa'buttsPhun Presents Bonus Butts #120 - Cummy ClownAnother Reason Not To Trust Hookers In Brazil! - Lily ThaiNothing Like A Little Thai First Thing In The Morning ;-) - She A Keeper?He's Definitely Not Kissing Her When This Is Over! - MILF DoggystyleMILF Amateur Loves It Doggystyle - Surely Not..The Latest 'Social Media Challenge' Is Simply Retarded - Hot AgainHeather Graham Will Always Be The Bush On Roller Girl And Really The Tits In Every Big Movie She Did Back When She Was Relevant –And She Was Very Fucking Relevant– These Tits Were Everywhere..!! - WRONGThe Worst Subway Video You'll See Today

Phunny PixFunny Pictures DCLXXXV - Wet T-ShirtSara Jean Underwood Boobs In Wet White T-Shirt - Hot EVERYthingSexy Pics Of Asian Porn Star Jade Kush Flashing Her Lovely Boobs Outdoors For FTV Girls! - InhumanityInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Wrong HoleLulu Love Gets An Unexpected, Unwanted Invite To A Turkish Bike Ride. Likely Due To This Rectal Romeo Giving More Fucks About Where His Third Supper Is Coming From Than What He's Aiming At. - Doesn't CareTalking About Chinese Humanity - Dirty Girl ;-)Miss Colorado 2013 Made Her First Porno! Ha! Don't Worry - They Are All This Dirty, Most Of Them Just Don't Make Sextapes! - First AnalIndian Girl Cries During Her First Anal Experience - Fully NoodAlexandra Smelova. She’s From Russia, Which Is Exactly Where You’d Want A Model Like This To Be From, So That You Could Offer To Buy Her For A Green Card, Provided Her Boyfriend Isn’t Some Rich Russian Mobster Gangster, Because The Russians Are Ruthless People With Hot Chicks Like This To Keep Them All Rewarded...

I had a dream the other night. In it, I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right. The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Just before he rode off, I yelled out "What was all that about?" He replied "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through".
--
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked. "That's nothing" the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three". "What? How did that happen?" "I don't remember. I was drunk".
--
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. In my case, a new urologist. My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous - as well as unbelievably sexy! She told me that I must stop masturbating. I asked her "Why?" She answered "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
--
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said "Do you want to have sex?" "No" she answered. I then asked "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes". So I said "Then I'd like to phone a friend..." And that's when the fight started...

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong.

He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length.

Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated "I agree but under four conditions".

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked "And what are the four conditions?"

The room stilled. There was a long pause.

The Pope replied "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex".

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex".

"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one".

After another long pause a voice arose and asked "And the fourth condition?"

The Pope smiled and replied "Big tits".

THE BEST THING ABOUT LESBIANS IS........ LITERALLY EVERYTHING!

LETS LEZ THINGS UP 8

GIRLS LEZZING OUT previously on Orsm: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said "It's red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers".

"That's correct" said the boss.

Another glass.

"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels".

"Correct".

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don't give me the job, I'll tell who the father is!"

ORSM VIDEO


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"I've had a recurring fantasy for years" I confessed to the wife while we were on holiday. "I've always wanted a really sloppy blow job outside, on a balcony in the sun". Before I could say anything else she said "Well let's see what we can do"...

She purred, dragging me out of the French doors, onto our tenth-floor sun deck. She pushed me down into the wicker chair and yanked my stiff dick out of my shorts, slobbering all over it like she was being paid to do it.

Five minutes later, I fired my muck all over her face, neck and chest, drained.

"How was THAT, then?" she asked, cleaning herself down. "Well to be honest, love" I admitted "it wasn't quite how I'd imagined it".

"Oh...?" she said, disappointed. "How did you imagine it, then?" "With your sister..."

WOULD YOU BUY THESE GIRLS A DRINK? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY YOU WOULD - THEY'RE CLUB SLUTS!

CLUB SLUTS 4

Previously on Orsm: CLUB SLUTS #3 - CLUB SLUTS #2 - CLUB SLUTS #1 - MORE >>

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ORSM VIDEO: THE TAKEN FLIGHT EDITION

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it". The old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here".

The indignant lawyer said "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own".

The old farmer smiled and said "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule".

The lawyer asked "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up".

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart and vengeful will, managed to get to his feet, and said "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn".

The geezer smiled and said "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck".

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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says "I just got into Chicago". "Great" replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself.

Shocked, she asks "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

33 GIRLS WITH SERIOUSLY DANGEROUS CURVES

CURVES 5

Previously: CURVY GIRLS #4 - CURVY GIRLS #3 - CURVY GIRLS #2 - CURVY GIRLS #1 - MORE >

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was the bravest of fighters and showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo quieted the crew and then gave the order "Bring me my red shirt".

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, the officers discussed the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?"

The captain replied "No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized". The men sat in silence and marvelled at such courage.

One morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all gasped with fear, but then looked to their captain for guidance. Captain Bravo displayed no emotion, and in a calm voice said to the first mate "Get me my brown pants".

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2018 02 08

OLDER SHITE: 1st February - 25th January - 18th Janaury - 11th January - 4th January - Xmas [II] / [I] - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mum is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear".

Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mum and asks "Mum, am I pure polar bear?" She answers "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear".

Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks "Grandma... Grandpop... am I all polar bear?" His grandma answers "Of course you are sweetie. Were all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"

The baby polar bears replies "Because I'm fucking freezing!"

SIDE BOOB. ALL. DAY. LONG.

SIDE BOOB 08

SIDE BOOB Wins Previously: #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy.

"Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there".

The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

"WANNA JOIN ME IN THE TUB...?"

VALYA

Previously on Orsm: CLARISE - ALICE - MATHEA - SASHA - ARIEL - KASSANDRA - SUZAN - CATHERINE - MORE >>

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutesiness. Tugging on her leash was a well-groomed terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have".

"Thank you, sir" she said "And what a nice day this is isn't it?" "Yes it is" I answered "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing". "Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile. "Yes, very pretty" I answered.

"By the way, what's your dog's name?" "Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?" "Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him Porky?" "Because he fucks pigs!"

ORSM VIDEO


Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. I honestly don't know why you wouldn't. I also don't know why you wouldn't do exactly what the fuck I say. DO WHAT I SAY!
-Next update will be next Thursday. If I can catch up. Holy shit the past few weeks have been challenging. Cannot for the life of me get on top of everything. Yes poor me boohoo.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will log on to your PS4, Xbox or whatever console you use and delete all your saved games.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ask yourself if the person you're about to tell your story to will actually care. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2018.02.01-19.56
CLARISE

Welcome to I did it to annoy you. That's the only reason.

Last update ENDED with a joke that said 'THIS IS THE LAST ORSM UPDATE'. A heart-warmingly large response flowed from you guys lamenting the fact and asking if it were true. Its not true. Not only because I would have nothing else to do with my days but also because if you guys had scrolled just a teeny-tiny bit further it said "... for January 2018". Probably the most unintentional way I've tricked anyone for a while. Long story short - Orsm not going anywhere!

Last update BEGAN with a whole lot of ranting and raving about Triple J and their Hottest 100 shit-cuntery. It's just a coincidence that you guys get more of the same today though I'd struggle to truly convey the stress and aggravation. I've learned over the years you don't ever wish anyone dead, not even for a joke. SO... instead I wish the employees of Australia's banks a really, massively shitty weekend. And if they should hurt themselves in a non-fatal way, I'm 100% okay with that too.

Won't be too specific about the details because knowing my luck it'll come back to bite me. The story is I've been at this hard for a year, as hard as possible for 6 months, fought battles on numerous fronts and for all the hard work, running around, countless lost hours, phone calls, jumping through hoops, bewilderment of process, dealing with complete imbeciles, on the back of pursuing it relentlessly for the past 2 years before that, it's teetering on the edge of amounting to nothing... and then we'll be back to square one and 2-3 months more of my life. Just when the process was there a week ago, the last hurdle finally within reach, it was halted. Of course no one lets anyone know so more precious days wasted. Hours on the phone and some obnoxious emails later it turns out the reason was because 'someone misread something'; there actually was no issue. WTF!? Now we have a deadline of tomorrow [Friday]. Everything is out of my hands and if there's so much as a hiccup, rest assured no one will let anyone know or give an opportunity to rectify/clarify, the deadline will pass and its start all over again.

Have overcome some big challenges in my time and achieved a few things I never thought possible but nothing has come close to being been this hard. Fuck all banks. Aaaaand breathe. Let's do the update. Despite all the time hijacking shit going on it has turned out far, far better than I expected. This update ticks all the boxes and even created new boxes to tick. Had to make it bigger because there'd be a deprivation of entertainment issue otherwise and we can't have that. Check it...

FOLLOW ORSM ON: FACEBOOK - TWITTER - INSTAGRAM

A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'beep-beep-beep-beep...' "What's that for?" asked one of the girls. "Oh that's just to let the blind know that the lights have changed" said the bloke. "My God" she said shocked "in the States we don't even let them drive..."
--
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato" said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No" said the farmer "I get a dime for a tomato like that one". The small boy pointed to a smaller green one "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes" replied the farmer "I'll give you that one for two cents". "OK" said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand "I'll pick it up in about a week".
--
An old guy in a nursing home was wandering around the facility when he noticed his across-the-hall neighbour, Mrs. McGillicuddy, sitting in the lounge. He thought he'd shuffle up to her and ask if she could guess how old he was, just to have a little fun. She replied "Drop your pants and let me see". So he did, and she took a good, long look and announced "You're 88 years old!" "Why, yes I am" the old man said. "That's amazing! How could you tell?" "Well" she said "you told me this morning at breakfast".
--
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down. This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells "You need more tail". The father turns to his son and says "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
--
A young lady is in the hospital for an operation. She says "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?" The doctor says "You know, Miss Stukowski, I have to admit you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"
--
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned". The priest said "Confess your sins and be forgiven". The young woman said "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times". The priest thought long and hard and then said "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice". The young woman asked "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said "No, but it'll wipe that smile off of your face".
--
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said "You're beautiful". Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute". The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was now "cute". She asked "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied "The drugs are wearing off".
--
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature". Muldoon said "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!" Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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Pretty Damn CuteWhen I Saw Her Sexy, Fine Ass, I Knew This Was Going To Be Hot. Just Look At Them Angel Eyes, She Looks So Innocent. I Didn't Realise How Much Of A Freak She Was Until We Started Filming. She Is Down For Whatever, Anal, Spitting, Fisting. - Too WeirdSome "Feels" I'm Glad I Will Never Experience: Polio Vaccinations, Pap Smears, And The Simon Cowell Of Konichiwa Porn Demanding I GO DEEPER In Front Of An Arena Full Of R/Fedora Moderators. - VoyeuristicInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - LOL WOT!?This Is Just Brilliant - Sweet BodyAlexandra Smelova - Nude Model Of The Day - Fuck Yeah!'STOP YOU BASTARD!!' Go Ahead And Guess How This Video Ends! - First PornoCute As Fuck Teen Making Her First Porno - Halle's PussyHalle Berry No Panties In See Through Gown - Nude SelfiesDanielle Sellers Is A Busty British Glamour Model, So She’s No Stranger To Nudity, But These Selfies Are Still Awesome!

No WarningModel Executed In Public - Classic GiannaBest. Commute. Ever. - Bath BabesPhun.org - Presents Girls In Bathtubs - She Cums HardLOL: The Craziest Anal Orgasm Ever Recorded??? Yup! - Great TittiesHuge Tits On Hot Amateur Dancing In Bathroom For Her Girlfriend Daaaang - DamagingA Dick That Big In Her Throat Is Permanent Damage!!! - Excellent HJ - Toey As!Chantel Jeffries Has An Excellent Cameltoe - PhunnyPhun's Funny Pictures DCXCIII

Lost HumanityInhumanity - Come For The Tits, Stay For The Train Wreck! - Creeping FailWoooah Pooping And Fapping At The Same Time? And Sucks He Broke Your Lens But That's What You Get For Spying On Someone Capable Of Defending Themselves. - Is He Alive?Worker Mangled By Rotating Machine - Dead FuckNew Definition Of 'Dead Fuck' [She's Human, Not A Doll] - Daddy IssuesIt's Safe To Say... You're Pretty Much Damaged Goods After This! - GangbangedWelcome To Geisha Training School - GaGa BoobLady Gaga Serious Cleavage In Down Blouse Photos - Ali RoseAli Rose Posing Nude By The Hills Of Sunny Calabasas, California! Fantastic Setting, Fantastic Body And Fantastic Boobs. - Teen DefiledLittle Girl Just Turned 18 And It's Time To Try Anal

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time". God said "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied "She's down at the river, washing herself out". "Damn" says God "now all the fish will smell funny".
--
Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist? A: Its about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!
--
"What's for lunch?" my husband asked as I worked in the garden. "Whatever you prepare" I replied curtly. "Imagine I'm dead. What would you do then?" "Okay" he said, and disappeared into the kitchen. An hour later I called to him from the garden and asked how it was going. "Very well" he replied. "I had a lovely salad". "What about me?" I asked. "I thought you were dead" he said.
--
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

ORSM VIDEO


IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbour's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop" said the boy. "Yes" replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow".

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me?" and took his son outside.

"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'the bull SURPRISED the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull 'SURPRISES' the white cow".

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy". "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"

"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"

SEXY SNAPCHATS FROM SLUTTY BABES + SLUTTY SNAPCHATS FROM SEXY BABES

SEXY SNAPCHATS 06

Previously on Orsm: SEXY SNAPS #5 - SEXY SNAPS #4 - SEXY SNAPS #3 - SEXY SNAPS #2 - SEXY SNAPS #1

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for an assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.

"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo. "That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.

*BONGGGGGG*

"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo "But could you show me again?" "Sure!" said the man and with that he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower.

A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police officer asked "Does anyone know who he is?" Quasimodo came out and said... "I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was the bravest of fighters and showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo quieted the crew and then gave the order "Bring me my red shirt".

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later that week, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again requested his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, the officers discussed the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before a fight? Do you believe it brings you luck in battle?"

The captain replied "No, if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, the men will not be demoralized". The men sat in silence and marvelled at such courage.

One morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all gasped with fear, but then looked to their captain for guidance. Captain Bravo displayed no emotion, and in a calm voice said to the first mate "Get me my brown pants".

WHETHER YOU'RE AN ASS MAN OR AN ARSE MAN CAN WE ALL AGREE THIS GALLERY IS INCREDIBLE?

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ASSES previously: #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2

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ORSM VIDEO

PERSONALITY BY DRINK TYPE

Three people walk up to a bar. The first orders wine, the second orders a G & T, and the third orders domestic beer. Which person, do you think, has the most interesting conversations that night?

Drink Choice: DOMESTIC BEER
Personality: EASY GOING
Both women (70%) and men who drink domestic beer are perceived as more approachable.

Drink Choice: IMPORTED BEER
Personality: APPROACHABLE
Imported beer has a positive approachability effect on both women (36%) and men (29%) but only around half as strong as a domestic beer.

Drink Choice: WINE
Personality: FOCUSED
52% of respondents perceive a man drinking wine as more "serious and reserved" while 31% believe the same thing for women. Gin and tonic drinkers come in second place for this personality trait, at 23% (men) and 22% (women).

Drink Choice: COSMOPOLITAN
Personality: TRENDY
48% of respondents believe a woman drinking a cosmo is "flashy and fashionable" while 40% agree the same applies to a man. No other drink choice scores high on this personality trait.

Drink Choice: MARGARITA
Personality: FREE SPIRIT
Both women (50%) and men (41%) drinking margaritas seem more "energetic and outgoing". Domestic beer (like Budweiser) drinkers are also perceived as energetic and outgoing (29% for women and 27% for men) although to a lesser degree.

Drink Choice: GIN AND TONIC
Personality: PRACTICAL
30% of respondents believe a man drinking a gin and tonic seems more "analytical and calculating" while 22% believe the same thing for women. Gin and tonic drinkers also rank high for being "cautious and conventional" (20% for men and 17% for women.)

Drink Choice: CHAMPAGNE
Personality: FANCY
The survey reports that champagne drinkers seem substantially more "sophisticated and demanding" (57% for women and 41% for men). Wine drinkers also score high on this trait (29% for men and 25% for women.)

Sorsh here.

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ORSM VIDEO: THE I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF BLACK PEOPLE BUT HOLY SHIT EDITION

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A Geneticist, after struggling for 10 years, makes a personal accomplishment one day and goes to a bar to commemorate it that night. He finds himself a quiet corner and orders a triple martini.

Meanwhile a gorgeous woman aged about 30 enters the bar, and not finding a table for herself, asks the scientist if she could share the quiet table.

The two begin to converse after mutual introductions.

Jones: "Mr. Smith, what brought you to this place tonight?"
Smith: "Well! After researching for nearly ten years I have accomplished something personal and I am here tonight to enjoy it. And why are YOU here Ms. Jones?"
Jones: "I too have a personal accomplishment and I am here to enjoy it too".
Smith: "What a coincidence! Ms. Jones! May I know what your accomplishment is?"
Jones: "Sure. I have been married for about ten years now and I could not have children. But today my doctor told me that I am pregnant. And what distinguishes your work from others Mr. Smith?"
Smith: "I had this rare species of female bird with me and its male counterpart is found nowhere. In my attempt to save the species after trying to CROSS it with different species of male birds for TEN YEARS, today I was successful in doing it".

Jones: "WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!"

30 CORRECT USES OF A WOMAN'S FACE

FACIALS 17

FACIALS previously on Orsm: #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good". Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.

Midnight comes along... no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!

Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter something..."

[50% OVERWEIGHT] RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2017 02 01

OLDER SHITE: 25th January - 18th Janaury - 11th January - 4th January - Xmas [Part II] - Xmas [Part I] - MORE >

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy the home.

He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all, lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children. He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.

He liked one of the homes and the agent asked: "How many children do you have?" He answered: "12 children". The agent asked "Where are the others? The lawyer answered, with a sad look "They are in the cemetery with their mother".

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

MORAL: It is not necessary to lie; one only has to choose the right words.

TAN LINES ARE HOT - DUH!

TAN LINES 10

SENSATIONAL TAN LINES previously on Orsm: #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >

A couple of maintenance men are working around launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when one of them notices some fuel leaking from one of the fuel lines. They call mission control, who instructs them to try and contain the fuel till they can figure out what to do about it.

They start collecting it into buckets, cans, jars, whatever they can find around. After several hours (it takes mission control a long time to figure out how to stop these things) one of them decides to take a taste of it.

Jim: "Hey, Joe! Take a taste of this stuff. It ain't half-bad".
Joe: "Are you crazy?"
Jim: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something".
Joe: "You're right! This is pretty good!"
Jim: "Yea! And I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too".
So Jim and Joe continue to drink their new-found drink and mop-up the rest of the spilt fuel, though by now they're not really minding the work. The next morning, Jim gets a phone call.
Jim: "Hello?"
Joe: "Hey Jim, how ya feeling?"
Jim: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
Joe: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
Jim: "No, why?"
Joe: "Cuz I'm calling you from Australia".

UNDERBOOB - I'M LOVING IT!

UNDERBOOB 02

Previously on Orsm: UNDERBOOB #1 - MORE >

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".

His buddy said "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did" said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

*RIDICULOUSLY* FUCKABLE

CLARISE 02

Previously on Orsm: ALICE - MATHEA - SASHA - ARIEL - KASSANDRA - SUZAN - CATHERINE - LIRA - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO


I made a joke last week that scared a lot of you. I reiterate IT WAS A JOKE... but unfortunately this isn't:

 

100% SERIOUS - THIS IS THE LAST *EVER* ORSM UPDATE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... for the 1st of February this year. It was good while it lasted. RIP. :-(

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social network.
-Check out the archives. Tested and confirmed lead-free.
-Next update will be next Thursday. OBVIOUSLY.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET else my friend Ray will rape your dick hole with his fat fingers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and is your fridge stunning? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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