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January 2011...
orsmupdate 2011.01.27-20.01
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. TGIT.

Don't ask me why but the summer heat is something which, if you'll pardon the pun, I'm totally cool with this year. Even the humidity has been bearable.

Do you ever have those days or weeks where things bug you more than they usually would? I'm having one of those and the cause of this bugging is wholly to do with the world's biggest fig tree in my backyard. It's about 20 feet tall and probably the same in diameter. As far as I'm concerned figs are whatever. Don't eat them and the only reason the tree remains is because it's is far too much work to chop down. Admittedly it provides a substantial amount of shade which is great and even more so if you like raking up leaves. That aside my biggest gripe are the swarms of hungry birds. Parrots mostly but crows and various others spend their day gorging on the ripening fruit. The result is constant squawking, bird shit and half eaten figs scattered everywhere. It reminds me of a dog running around like a moron which you think is really funny but if it was actually your dog and you had to live with it, it would be fucking annoying.

The other wildlife problem currently is cockroaches. The little bastards are in near plague proportions and I'm having to execute several each day. I've learned the hard way a few times not to leave any food uncovered in the kitchen because they're on to in no time. Am wondering now if the same approach to anything eight-legged has something to do with this because apparently spiders help to control the roaches but following several intense battles in the last year the balance of power has clearly been shifted towards the roaches. I should bite the bullet and get a pest control guy in but with a going [read: extortionate] rate of $300-400 its way cheaper to just live with the invasion.

The people who entertained me this week include those still flogging the thing about how cities should cancel Australia Day fireworks celebrations and events and donate the money to Queenslanders following the floods. This initially popped up a few weeks ago on Facebook with everyone pasting it as their status and then radio, talkback etc. Obviously the sentiment is good and you can't take that away from people but the whole idea was badly thought out. For example the Perth Skyworks held every January 26th over the Swan River takes months of planning so cancelling wouldn't achieve a damn thing - everything is paid for in advance. It's not as if someone just swings past the local fireworks store and buys a bunch of stuff the day before.

Moving on to the rest of my world and jumping allll the way back to last Saturday. T'was a day with nothing to do so decided to pull out the list I have been slowly adding to. The list is comprised of random things that aren't in any way urgent... the stuff I can never remember when I have some free time. Anyway after a frenetic exercising session was out of the way I scooted off to find some headphones. I bought a cheapy no-name brand ages ago [which I loved] and they died so replaced with an even cheaper pair which totally sucked so was forced into buying something better. Following was the mission to replace my digital set top box. The existing cheap POS died without warning but managed to get a new cheap POS [do you see a pattern here?] without much hassle. My next stop was past a car dealership for no other reason than I was driving past and wanted to scout my possible next car. Don't stress - won't put you guys through having to listen to me crapping on about an upgrade any time soon... just wanted to look.

The rest of Saturday was spent doing paperwork and balancing the books. Always such a traumatic experience because I just do not get that stuff. Two hours and much hair pulling later it was almost done... except for a missing [read: cunting] $9 that I couldn't account for and was seemingly crucial. How to resolve? Start all over from the beginning is how. FML.

Sunday started in a frustrating manner. After walking the pooch I jumped on my much loved rowing machine. For whatever reason it's developed a problem with the foot thingy and constantly slides down forcing you to stop and readjust. Became clear soon enough that the only way to sort this was by pulling out drills, hammers and various other tools to fix once and for all. That job segued into curtains. Eight or nine months ago I got venetians for the kitchen window but never hung them. Why? Something to do with not having finished the long running and stalled kitchen renovation. Once done I moved on to fixing other stuff and then went room to room de-junking and putting stuff where it belongs. Again - why? Because Christmas was a month ago and, amongst other things, wrapping paper was still lying around. All that was left to do that day was a cruise down the coast to admire the female form. Ahhh...

Okay now that we're done with that nonsense let's move on to bigger and better things. This week's update I'm pretty sure is fucking superb. Don't want to oversell it but if you aren't able to get off at least three times before reaching the bottom, I'll fly to where ever you are and provide hand relief. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

It's Game Time - Cool Science - U Get Punched - Breastacular - Sexy Self-Shot - Movie Sex - Suck It Baby

Spot The Virgin - Fatty Fat Fat - In Ecstacy - A Tasty Berry - Creepy - Insane Burnout - Today's WTF - Hot Or Not

Sexy & Funny - Funny Bitches - Disturbing - Crazy As Fuck - Sheer Terror - Fight & Fuck - Biel Bikini - Filthy Whore

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!"
--
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewellery to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house". Well she didn't actually put it like that... she said... "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."
--
Thought I'd better warn you. I just got scammed out of $25. I bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. They don't give refunds either. Absolute waste of money!
--
Last week me and a Pakistani from work decided to have a moustache and beard growing competition. I still can't believe she won.
--
This year we will experience 4 unusual dates: 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11. Now go figure this out... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be THIS year and it WILL EQUAL... 111.

ORSM VIDEO

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "'Why, nothing" Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven". Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled Tony. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

"No gym to work out at?" said Tony. "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

Tony glared at Yvonne and said "You and your fucking Bran Flakes... we could have been here ten years ago!"

SKYLYNN
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This guy comes back home from work to find his wife has left him a note 'Off to the grocery store'. He hasn't been 'getting any' so decides this is his chance and goes to the video store to rent a porn flick.

As soon as he gets home in goes the film and out comes his junk. Before you know it the masturbation is happening at a furious pace. Before long he's about to climax when all of a sudden his wife comes in, drops her grocery bags, runs over and gives him the blowjob of his life. Then, without a word, she collects all the bags and goes to the kitchen.

The guy is sitting there stunned and amazed at what just happened. After a couple of minutes he regroups and goes to the kitchen where he finds his wife chopping tomatoes. He asks her "We haven't had sex for over five years and all of a sudden you come in and blow me. What happened?!" His wife replied: "I just washed the floor this morning. I would rather go brush my teeth than to have to clean it again."

ORSM VIDEO



A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog." The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!" "Right I'll give you three choices... ONE - you come fishing with me and the dog. TWO you give me a BLOW JOB.... or THREE you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!" "Wife I've given you three options. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ASS?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "Okay I'll do the blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband, "What the fuck!? It tastes absolutely disgusting... it tastes all shitty!" "Yeah..." says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either..."

OOOPS A NIPPLE
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A man was getting concerned that his three daughters might not be as innocent as he wished. What did they already know about sex? He decided to find out so he brought his 16-year-old daughter into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said "Do you know what this is?"  "Yes, daddy, that's a penis".

The man exploded! He couldn't believe it! "You're grounded for a year", he exclaimed, "and you're going to read the bible every day!" He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. "Do you know what this is?" "Yes, daddy, it's a penis." Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance forever.

Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked "Do you know what this is?" "No, daddy, I don't." "What a good girl! I'm very proud of you! I'm going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis." The girl burst out laughing "Haha you call THAT a penis?!?"

CAPTURE THE MOMENT
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
If Reader Mail was this cool every week I could skip the rest of the update. So so so much cool shit below you won't know what to do with yourselves... or something.

If you have something to say, share, express, opinionate, verbalise, expel or send then here is where you do it. I'm looking for pretty much anything you can send including money, drugs, property or weapons but failing that will happily take jokes, pictures videos, pornography or whatever else you think may fit on Orsm. I didn't really want to say anything about it but if you don't then you're going to die a slow and painful death at my hand. Sorry. Okay let's get going. Check it...

Shane wrote:
Subject: Bobsled Crash
Hey Orsm, The link you posted of Shauna's bobsled crash at Lake Placid was a tame one compared to the crash in Winterberg that the Brazilian girls had. Back in 2004, an Italian girl has a similar crash on the same corner of this track, helmet torn off and her face was a mess from the ice burn. Believe it or not, but traveling at around 100Km/h on ice will shred your skin off completely. It's one of the worst things to happen in bobsleigh...

James wrote:
Subject: AH50UL number plate
I see someone has finally managed to take a pic of this car and its number plate. As mentioned it was deliberately ordered, and as the reader mentioned NSW are full of them. They are the cars we NSWmen give to QLDrs on holidays so we know who they are.. Mwah ha ha ha.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: 'Cat Here'
Hi Mr Orsm, I saw this on the side of the road in Stafford in Brisbane. I hope you enjoy.

Cruel. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Open or what?
Hi Orsm. Noticed this sign on a bar doorway in Fuengirola, Spain. Keep up the fantastic updates. I look forward to the every week.

click to enlarge

Tomas wrote:
Subject: moose knuckle
Our first Premier with a moose knuckle - bugger. At first I thought that was the Tasmanian cabinet, but then I thought they looked just a little too similar. That's her family.

It also looks like you can make out nipple by adjusting the levels too. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Tom wrote:
Subject: FB
A couple of years ago I sent you the picture of the two dogs stuck together. I haven't seen anything worth sending in till now, this was too ironic to pass up.
click to enlarge

Doug wrote:
Subject: Amusing
The trickery of light in photos..................

I'm mildly aroused by this. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Lucas wrote:
Subject: WTF ??
Notice inside the Marikana substation, North West, South Africa. Not a single instruction was left out. At least the numbers follow each other. We was warned..............!!!!!!
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Dubs wrote:
Subject: school holidays
Hmm. What do do with the kids during school holidays? Put them in kids club at Vic Park shops. I'm sure they'll enjoy the cages and the hay.

I'm betting some parents wouldn't blink at this. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: yahoo
Mr. Orsm, Long....LONG time lurker first time offering for your amusement and or use. What's wrong with this picture? God damn I love yahoo! Please with hold info....

Took me a minute... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: ass
OK i fond this on my Friends facebook thought ever one would like to see to

... and no one dared her to flash it again. -Orsm

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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Offside :)
Expect most of you have seen this one by now, but I'm still giggling. Mind you, Andy Gray was sacked by Sky today due to his off-air comments. Anyway, "How Andy Gray and Richard Keys viewed the game." See attached.
click to enlarge
Brett wrote:
Subject: Root cause of the flooding has been found
They found the root cause of the recent flooding in Vereeniging.
click to enlarge

Rick wrote:
Subject: Biker Hits Huge Grizzly
This grizzly was hit by a Harley on Lolo Pass. This is the pass between Lolo, MT and Kooskia, ID. Look at the claws on that thing! The biker spent three days in the hospital! The hog's a wreck! Lesson learned: Don't go Bear Hunting with a Harley, they're only good for one hunt!!!

Poor bear. -Orsm

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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend
Hi Orsm, Attached are some photos of my ex for everyones enjoyment, please publish them on your site so everyone can see how much of a twisted freak she was.... god I miss her ;p
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Trinidad
Hi Orsm. Love the site. Keep up the good work. Interested to see the posting from the guy who worked in Trinidad in the last update. I came here to work around 7 years ago and have no desire to leave. This place is a mecca for beautiful women and I can't understand why anyone would want to go looking at temples when there are much better sites to see. I've got myself a gorgeous little Indian woman and I'm over 50 years old. Age difference means nothing here. Anyway I have attached a couple of pics taken at a local nightclub when some hip hop star played there. They caused quite a stir in the local press when it turned out the girl was a 14 years old preachers daughter. Take a good look at the one where he has her over his shoulder.
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Carnarvon Floods
The December 2010 Gascoyne River flood was the one of the most severe floods to take place along the Gascoyne River in Western Australia on record. Triggered by record-breaking rainfall, amounting to over 6,000 percent of the monthly mean in just four days, the floods caused widespread damage in the region. [Source]

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xitz wrote:
Subject: stupidity
Here are some pics of tiger sharks, eating a dead whale, at of all places, shark-bay (Western Australia). What do you do when you witness such an event???? Yes, you get out of your perfectly safe boat, and climb on top of a very dead, very smelly, and very slippery dead whale, and get some very good pics. A proper eating frenzy by a large group of tiger sharks. Now he is standing on the dead whale, a very slippery dead whale. That is one crazy bloke.

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SEYMORE wrote:
Subject: Aussie animals in need of help & being rescued from the floods...
Some amazing animal pics from the flooded areas in Qld. Most are so exhausted and scared that they allow humans to be in physical contact - most unusual! I only hope someone rescued the monitor lizard from the fence post. And the snake. The wallaby on the hay bale might have been harder to coax into a boat!

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simon wrote:
Subject: TOLL LOGISTICS BRISBANE
I'm sure that the crap I bought on e-bay is in there ..... somewhere.....

Think I'd be calling in sick on clean-up day. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Slutty girl
Hello ORSM, I've been looking forward to Thursday's for years now! Thanks for making the weekend come early! I finally have a bunch of pictures of some dumb whore that I'd like to share with the world. She's a slut that I've known for a while, and apparently a bunch of other people have too!! So here's the dirty!!

10/10. Best tits I have seen in forever. -Orsm

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richard wrote:
Subject: fan email ex GF
Hey orsm, Long time fan, as most are, and i'd love to contribute again (a few years back "native answering machine message") here's a short vid of my slutty, cheating, EX-girlfriend taking her very first facial. hope you enjoy and i really hope to see it posted
click to watch video
Kel wrote:
Subject: Welcome To Australia
You may find this interesting
click to open PDF
richard wrote:
Subject: fan mail cheating EX
Hello orsm, Here is yet another vid from my lousy cheating EX girlfriend. She wants to be famous soooo bad so let's make it happen orsm. (The vid window is condensed to fit into an email, full-screen work just fine) NOTE: this video is also available to premium members of newbienudes.com
click to watch video
Kel wrote:
Subject: Round Paddocks!
Note.... I know that 15 years ago they were paying $500US a tonne to produce wheat, when the world price was under $250 a tonne. They have lowered the water table over 100 feet in 25 years... totally unsustainable farming It's called making jobs for Saudis to keep people occupied and out of trouble. Round Paddocks! This is what you can achieve with a fair amount of vision and a lot of oil money. And the oil money spent will reward you many times over at the end.
click to open PDF

A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I cannot come in today. I'm sick."

The same thing happens next week and the week after. The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy, because he's really good at what he does. He calls him into his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"

"No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's okay. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking." "Errr you fuck your sister?" The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick!"

ORSM VIDEO

Little Jimmy woke up one morning and it was his birthday. He quickly rushed downstairs expecting lots of presents and family waiting for him. He ran into the living room to be greeted by his dad just sat on the couch.

''You know what day it is today don't you dad?'' Jimmy asked. ''Uhm. No...?'' His dad replied. ''It's my birthday!'' Jimmy said. ''Do you even know how old I am?''

His dad thought for a moment and said, ''No son, I'm sorry.'' ''I'm 12!'' Jimmy shouted and then ran off into the kitchen angrily.

Once in the kitchen he slams the kitchen door and his grandad is sat at the kitchen table. ''What's the matter Jimmy?'' asked grandad. ''It's my birthday and dad didn't even know how old I was.'' ''Oh'' Said the grandad. ''Well I bet you I have a way of knowing!''

Grandad pulls Jimmy nearer and slowly puts his hands in Jimmy's pants. Slowly rubbing Jimmy's penis and testicles whilst licking his ear for a few moments.

''You're 12 aren't you Jimmy?'' Said grandad. ''Oh my god, yes. How did you know!?'' Jimmy asked in amazement. ''I heard you tell your dad.'' grandad replied.

CASSIA RILEY
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RANDOM SHITE
I've filled this weeks RS with sweetness and innocence. Obviously I don't want to offend or shock anyone with something that's too far out there. That sort of behaviour is simply uncalled for. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The N.Y.P.D. went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling "Okay, Okay, I'm a fuckin' rabbit, I'm a fuckin' rabbit!"

JANA JORDAN
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I was traveling between Melbourne and Sydney when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You Labor or Liberal," asked the old man. "Liberal" I replied. "Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Liberal". The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Liberal voters.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was "Labor or Liberal". "Labor" I shouted. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car!"

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Labor voter for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

ORSM VIDEO


Aaaaand breathe. Big ass update all done and not a moment too soon. I gave up doing anything on Australia Day to make sure this bitch was worth your effort... well truth be told no one was doing much so I strapped myself to the computer but really that's just semantics. Anyway if you have questions you may find the following helpful...

- Check out the site archives. They're so big that the Australian government is looking to stash asylum seekers there hoping no one will notice.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I can't imagine a better time - can you?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will adbust and drug you. When you wake up your lips will be sewn to your inner elbow with the hand of the same arm fused to your back. Your other arm will be pulled down in front of you and back up with your index finger stitched inside your bunghole. Why? No real reason for it - Ray was inspired after seeing The Human Centipede and, after realising it couldn't be topped, wanted to come up with something artistic and original.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.01.20-19.42
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Common Sense did not apply.

Such a sad time of the year. Whilst I'm kind of glad that life has returned to normal after a few weeks of leisure, the contrast is all too extreme. Everyone is back to work or flown away and options for cool things to do have dried up. There are a few birthdays coming up, Australia Day next week, but whereas these events would once bring everyone together for a party starting at lunchtime and finishing at breakfast, these days you're lucky if anyone wants to do anything at all. 

This is something I've touched on a few times over the last however long and I'm starting to realise it's an issue for me... not so much that I'm left rocking back and forth crying myself to sleep each night, more undirected annoyance. I vaguely recall get togethers of family friends and the like when I was young. The parents, in their thirties at the time, would roll up kids in tow and celebrate the whatever all night long. In the space of a generation however that seems to have completely changed and whether it's because parents are more responsible nowadays, work commitments are different or perhaps because people are less tolerant of others they dislike remains to be seen. On the other hand maybe it's just my circle of friends. Maybe they're all lame [I hope you fuckers are reading this!]. Maybe I'm running behind in the growing-up/settling-down thing. Time will surely tell but in the interim I'll work on fostering resentment and passive aggressiveness.

In a roundabout way this brings us to my week and the mediocrity thereof. Interruptions to the flow were surprisingly limited which explains why this update was finished several hours ahead of deadline. Always good when that happens but I end up wondering if depriving myself of a few hours stuck at the computer would have made the update better. Such is my brain... I'm not a great thinker, I'm an over thinker.

Woke up early Saturday and, not unlike the offer of free drugs, seized upon the opportunity. First destination was the dog beach. Beach visits have been few and far between this summer due to how busy it gets there and the now exorbitant cost of the dog wash. The pooch can't handle it like she used to either - she was left hobbling around in pain for the following few days. I was drafted after that into helping a friend garden which stretched through most of the afternoon and included a plant buying run. Why people add to their gardens I will never know. Plants should only ever be removed and mulched or concreted over.

Managed to squeeze in washing the car that afternoon too. As the construction continues behind my place, so does the dust. Someone remind me to never buy another black car. Dinner and a DVD with a friend that night. For the record - steer well clear of Solitary Man. How such an awesome cast can turn out such a huge pile of suck I'll never know.

Had best intentions to do an 8 kilometre walk Sunday but that ridicuous idea was quickly abandoned in favour of slothing around the house out of the heat. The days highlight came early too - checking Facebook I noticed that someone had de-friended me following my status update "News flash: two plane loads of Aboriginal volunteers have just left Alice Springs for Brisbane to assist with the looting". Some people have no sense of humour.

There was little planned for Sunday. A stop past the female parents place then back to the same friends for another hardware store run for more plants and outdoor furniture that I'd later have to assemble. Made it out by mid-afternoon with thoughts of a cruise down the coast but was interrupted by a "My printer won't print!" phone call which ended up curtailing things. In hindsight I now realise my whole weekend was about helping girls do stuff. Whether that makes me capable and chivalrous or them incapable and redundant would depend on who you ask.

Alright. Glad that's over. Let's now turn attention to the good stuff. I've tried to jam in as much as possible so what you guys will find below will hopefully keep you amused, occupied and enthralled for a few minutes. Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

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Good Game - Fuck You! - Good To Know - Booty Cleavage - The Hangover - Big Bada Boom - Gloryhole BJ

Sexy Hand Bra - Dayum!! - Mariah's Titties - Mega Ooops - Paranoia - Hayden Pasties - OMFG - Like A Girl

Olivia Munn - LOL Orb - Jubblies - Snooki Is Fat - Granny Porn - Californication - Mexi-crazy - Back Breaker

Apparently due to all this political correctness bullshit I can't say black paint any more. I must now say "Would you paint the wall please, Leroy?"
--
Just talked to a mate from the floods in Queensland. He said that since early this morning the floods are nearly waist high, it's pissing down and wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window, she just stares. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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I got a new rifle and I decided to try it out - went hunting rabbits this morning. I got two in the head, one in the chest and another in the back leg. The woman in the pet shop went fucking mental!!
--
I got arrested at midnight on New Year's Eve. I tried telling the cop that it was all a misunderstanding as when you see a Muslim shouting 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 you drop the cunt before he can reach the detonator.
--
What chance have we got to do a good job raising our kids when Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinocchio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed Sleeping Beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. I guess we can't blame then for rebelling when we've been teaching them to do it through bedtime stories!!

ORSM VIDEO

TIPS ON TODDLERS

1. Remove any discs from the DVD player. Scratch thoroughly until rendered completely unusable. Proceed to stuff bread crusts, cake and soggy half chewed biscuits into the loading slot. This will save you valuable time waiting for your toddler to do it. Little inquisitive fingers can remove any DVD player lock with the skill of a gypsy pickpocket. Do not waste money on such inventions.

2. Remove any item with value or sentiment from a height of up to 3ft (6ft if they can climb). Better still, just rid your home of pretty ornaments and nice objects (allowing more room for their gaudy, plastic crap) and use paper plates, bowls and plastic cutlery until they turn 18. Sod the environment, the nappies you just used for the last 3 years won't degrade for another 12 years, and all the driving to and from school in your 4x4 has made your carbon footprint bigger then Switzerland anyway.

3. Bibs are useless. Put them in a drawer and save them for use in your old age. Chances are, any toddler who eats wearing a bib will get food everywhere but on that piece of cloth - in their ear, in their hair, on their underwear - and the bib will remain miraculously clean.

4. Tile (or laminate if you are poor) all areas of floor the child will use. If this is not possible, tread into the pile copious amounts of baked beans, toffee and blackcurrant squash. This way, their little spills and accidents will go almost unnoticed and you won't have to beat them with a slipper continually, everyday for the next 15 years.

5. Consider naughty scribbles of wax crayon on the wall as 'art'. Be proud when they spell out there first word on the lounge cabinet, it may be 'SHIT' but hey, your spawn may just be a child genius. Remember that art world has been fooled countless times before by parents selling off their child's doodles for vast sums of money. Nurture your budding Damien Hirst, he may be the ticket to you owning that villa in Spain.

6. Note to gardeners: plant beds of nettles around your favourite herbaceous borders and delicate, prize winning flowera for maximum protection. Sadly, the use of barbed wire in such situations is illegal. Ban footballs and swings and instead use your lawn to house a massive 12ft trampoline with safety enclosure because the view from the neighbours bedroom window won't be spoiled at all by this discreet garden toy.

7. For concerned parents of fussy eaters I have this advice - providing every meal from a MacDonalds Happy Meal box will ensure your offspring consumes every morsel. Always remember to incude a 'free toy' with every sitting. Sellotape and a screwdriver are not adequate gifts in this instance but empty loo roll inserts can provide hours of good, clean fun.

8. Save all your boxes and wrapping paper from Christmas and wrap it up for their birthday, thus saving you pounds and pounds. When presented with a present costing half a weeks wages, the child will invariably spend their time playing with the wrapping anyway. With any cash saved you can buy the large amounts of vodka and cigarettes you use to help numb the pain of being a parent.

9. As soon as your child starts talking, constantly tell them to 'be quiet' or if necessary 'shut your bloody pie hole' if the speech is incessant or during your favourite soap opera. Make sure they know their place in society and drill into them 'children should be seen and not heard and preferably not seen as well'. Do not encourage creativity (unless it leads to financial gain) everyone despises precocious children and when little Sebastian is playing Joseph for the 4th Christmas running, other parents will start to call you an 'asshole'.

10. When faced with a tantruming toddler at the supermarket, the first step is to crave into their demands immediately, so not to create a 'scene'. However, if the child insists on throwing a wobbly it is best to go about your business as if they were not in the slightest bit related to you (whilst maintaining a safe distance). To add to this effect, roll your eyes as other customers tut and shake their heads in unhelpful unison. Once the brat has collapsed in an exhausted heap onto the floor, scoop up, pay for your goods and get out. Make sure your cupboards are well stocked as this kind of activity will put you off shopping for at least 5 years.

11. NEVER assume that something brown and creamy is chocolate.

12. Say goodbye to all your friends who are childless. They will not understand why you can't stay out until 3am and need to phone the sluttish babysitter you left in charge of your spawn every 15 minutes and will be embarrassed and a little disgusted by the sick patch on your shoulder.

13. Keep a capacious collection of batteries at all times. Failure to do so will induce the wrath of your toddler. For annoying toys that are both noisy and have irritating with flashing lights and seem to go off in the middle of the night when no one is touching them (gifts usually purchased by someone who doesn't like you) it is ok to tell the child that the naughty toy gobblins sneaked into their room whilst they were sleeping and tampered with said toy leaving it broken. Lying to a child is fine if it stops your ears bleeding and keeps you sane.

14. Unless driven to infanticide and therefore the dress code is compulsory, never wear white or let your children wear white. The colour white has magical properties that attract dirt and grubby fingers like a magnet.

15. Remember, toddlers can be a great source of fun too. Feeding them spicy or strong tasting foods such as Marmite and chilli jam makes their little faces gurn in the most hilarious manner. Also you can fart in public and people will immediately assume it to be your child.

Enjoy your children whilst they are young, in only a few years they will be treating you as a taxi and bank and having unprotected sex whilst high on drugs. Enjoy!

CARLI BANKS
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A woman gets home from the office late one evening, she's feeling horny so decides to wake her husband up by giving him a blowjob, she sneaks into the bedroom, quickly undresses and crawls up into the bed from  the bottom, she gently pushes his legs apart, slides back his foreskin and starts sucking his brains out.

After just a few seconds his legs start to quiver and she sticks her middle finger up his arse which makes him shoot his load. She swallows the lot and then goes into the bathroom to clean up as she's never seen so much jizz before.

As she enters the bathroom she finds her husband on the toilet having a shit, she screams at him "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?" "Ssssshhhh" says her husband "You'll wake your dad up!"

ORSM VIDEO



AUSSIE CRICKET
I keep getting these... mostly from Poms gloating about the recent Ashes humiliation  so to prove I'm not bitter here's a bunch of jokes [truisms?] about the state of cricket in Australia. Can't find where I said it but will remind the smug amongst you that I did predict annihilation before the series even started.

-What do you call a world class Australian Cricketer? Retired.
-What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? A waiter.
-What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A Fisherman
-Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment? They haven't got any openers.
-What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
-What is the Australian version of LBW? Lost, Beaten and Walloped.
-What do you get if you cross the Australian Cricket team with an Oxo cube? A laughing stock.
-The Australian Bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going down hill fast.
-What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a Funeral Director? A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
-Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day? Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting "You lads can bat.'' Just as quick Ponting replied: "No, we can't. We really can't."
-Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease? The woman who irons their cricket whites.
-What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
-What is the main function of the Australia coach? To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
-On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle. His wife replies "I'll hold, he won't be long!"
-What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
-Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
-What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common? Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
-Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? Because he can get out without even trying.
-What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket? A bat.
-What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
-What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch? A fisherman.

SUCK IT
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite countertops."

JOGGERS NIPPLES
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Pretty decent week on the mail front and that's despite the fact it felt quiet. This be something to do with being on top of my workload for a change. I'll relish it while I can because it won't last.

Anyway if you have something to say, share, express, opinionate, verbalise, expel or send then here is where you do it. I'm looking for pretty much anything you can send including money, drugs, property or weapons but failing that will happily take jokes, pictures videos, pornography or whatever else you think may fit on Orsm. I didn't really want to say anything about it but if you don't then you're probably going to die at some point. Sorry. Okay let's get going. Check it...

garry wrote:
Subject: Flood News
THE TOP EIGHT COUNTRIES THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT GAVE YOUR TAX DOLLARS TO IN 2010-2011

Indonesia $458,700.00 million
Papua New Guinea $457,200,00 million
Solomon Islands $225,700..00 million
Afghanistan $123,100.00 million
Vietnam $119,800.00 million
Philippines $118,100.00 million
East Timor $102,700.00 million
Cambodia $64,200.00 million
TOTAL = $1,669,000,000.00 (yeah folks that's right) - given away in 52 weeks!!! but wait there's more..

-Australia provides approximately 150,000 tonnes of food aid every year - about $65 million - to Bangladesh, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, Sudan and Chad
-In 2010-2011 the Australian Government plans to spend almost $4.4 billion on development assistance
-In 2008 the Australian community contributed $812.19 million to non-government organizations

And now Gillard will give $500,000,000.00 for Indonesia's Islamic schools which are largely moderate in outlook but there have been pockets of radicalism that have produced terrorists in Indonesia, most notably the cleric Abu Bakar Bashir's school in Ngruki, central Java, where some of the Bali bombers studied before they bombed the nightclubs and killed Australian tourists.

SO... Ask your local member how come 2011 Queensland and Carnarvon flood victims only get $1 million? When insurers, such as Allianz and CGU, provide cover for storm damage but exclude flood from their home and contents policies. YES THIS A BLOODY INSULT TO THE AUSTRALIAN AND QUEENSLAND PEOPLE WHO NEED IT THE MOST SO IT IS ABOUT TIME THE GOVERMENT STARTED LOOKING AFTER THERE OWN BACK YARD AND FORGET THE REST FOR A LONG TIME THIS IS BULL SHIT??

I dug around trying to figure out where this originally came from but couldn't find much. The reason Australia sends money and aid to poorer countries is because we're [considered] rich. As for funding Islamic schools - money buys influence. The theory is we're better off paying them to teach what they want instead of somewhere more radical paying them to do otherwise. Not a perfect arrangement but at what price security? -Orsm

Frank wrote:
Subject: RE your little known Military facts.
So I looked further into the battle of Kiska story. Turns out There were 28 dead American soldiers, four dead Canadians, and over 50 wounded Allied soldiers. There were no Japanese. Americans and Canadians had only been frightened and shooting each other. Before the last of the Allied troops departed, more than 300 casualties would be recorded. There were those who had been killed by the so-called friendly fire of their confused and scared comrades; others by mines and the timed bombs left by the Japanese; accidental ammunition detonations; vehicle accidents; unexploded bombs in the tundra; and insidious booby trap explosions. In one incident, 71 navy men were killed and 47 wounded when a destroyer struck an off-harbour mine. Many soldiers became diseased and sick, suffering non-battle injuries and exposure. Trench foot was the most common affliction.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wanted to correct a wrong posting on orsm.net
Actually the u-120 german u-boat did not sink due to a toilet, it was the u-1206. Link [here]. Many reliable sources have misreported that as well.... anyway...just fyi, don't know if you care or not :) Details private....Love the site! Keep it going!

Hamish wrote:
Subject: Shark in Floods
Hello Mr Orsm, Can you see any similarity in the 2 shark images [here & here]? Extreme photoshop skills from the team in Sydney. Thought there would be more stock images of Bull Sharks to use...

Sgt "P" wrote:
Subject: Dancing soldier in Iraq
Hey ORSM, I have sent you different pics from Iraq and what not. I have been back home for a bit now and I think it is safe to let these videos [this & this] out of me tearing it up in Iraq! Thanks for helping me get through my deployments! although you are an Aussie I feel your american support!.. thanks again!!! I hope you got a good laugh!

Very funny and cool to see you guys hanging with the locals like that. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: photo
Took this photo on holidays recently. NSW is full of them. Please hide my details

Clever... so much so that I'll always wonder if it was deliberate or not. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: No cure for being stupid
Left the handbrake down while launching a boat off the west coast of SA. Hide details and keep up the great work.

I always appreciate people doing things like this. -Orsm

Tomas wrote:
Subject: Toowoomba Flood
Came up to the door of the office
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joe wrote:
Subject: Wally Lewis Statue at Suncorp Stadium
With all thats happened with the floods, you still have to have a little space in ya heart to have a laugh at stuff like this.... Wally Lewis Statue at Suncorp Stadium
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Mikey wrote:
Subject: Bat-signals
G'day! In re the picture of the Bat-signal in Okinawa, here's a few cool sights that are visible from the air in the Chicago area. The Bat-signal is in a swimming pool. The spider is also in a pool, about 14 miles away.

John wrote:
Subject: RS
Hope you're staying afloat! Saw a pic like this in your Random Shite and thought I'd send in a similar one my friend took a picture of when we were going on a beer run. Prost!

Does at least protect against car park dents. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic for your site
found this digging through old facebook photos, thought it might be something you could use. leave out the details.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: One fine box
Has to be one of the finest that I have had the pleasure to enjoy. Hope you do too. Info withheld please.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: funny van
saw this in a parking lot and imediatley thought of your site. this van belongs to a tobacco farmer in kentucky that has a serious problem with public smoking bans... hope you can use this please hide my info

I'm wondering if this qualifies as a silent protest? -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook boredom
Mr Orsm, Phones VS Women..... (in your words) Check it! Plz hide details.
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andre wrote:
Subject: <no subject>
Hello. Saw this pic on a window of the OK store in Underberg, South Africa. I check the site every week for new content and have been waiting to source the right pic to send to you. So here it is. not sure what they mean by that, but anyways. enjoy
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: UK Adult Model
Hi Mr Orsm, Here are a couple of photos I took of a UK Adult model called Axa hope you enjoy. Usual please hide my details. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Giant Beer Vats On The Move
Howdy, Thought I'd share these pictures I took with you. Recently the Molson Brewing company purchased several large beer fermentation vats from a company in Germany, to be used in their production facility here in Toronto. The vats arrived in Hamilton, Ontario (roughly 40 km from Toronto) and had to be transported by truck to Molson. As you can see these things are huge, collectively storing roughly one million beers. The process for transporting these is mind boggling. They can't travel by highway as they won't fit under bridges so they travel at night at walking speed along main streets... Stopping to have hydro and fibre optic lines moved at nearly every intersection. They should arrive at Molson tonight, however, with the snow we have been getting it may be delayed. Thought it was worth sharing! Hide my info please!

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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: WW2 Russian Pilot found preserved in his crashed plane
The body of Russian Pilot Sergeant Lazarev was recently found preserved in a bog, still in his crashed Hurricane fighter. After the Hurricane was hit, Sergeant Lasarev unfastened his belts and tried to leave the machine however the low height has not allowed him to make it and the Hurricane crashed into a bog. The pilot was killed on impact and his feet were broken by instrument panel. When he died he was only 22 years old. His preserved body was recently recovered from the bog still inside his Hurricane and buried at the Chupa, Karelian Republic cemetery.

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Miserycounty wrote:
Subject: Creepy masks I've made...
Hey, I love your site and wanted to share some of the masks I've made. A couple leatherface masks and a Beatles Zombie mask.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Religious Instruction
Hi Orsm, Devotee of the site for nearly 10 years now, never miss an update. I saw some amusing church notices on RS the other week and it reminded me of this notice. I found it in Trinidad when I was working there a couple of years ago. I got a taxi to take me on a tour and we went to a place called Waterloo about 12 miles south of Port of Spain. There is a big Hindu temple there, painted pink, with a statue of Hanuman the Monkey God, and the notice caught my attention. I gave a copy to the local parish vicar here, but he didn't seem to want to copy it. Can't think why......

The second temple is delightful. If what they told me is true, the saddhu, or Holy Man, who wanted to build it could not get anybody to give him the land. So he got his mates together and they just kept dumping rocks in the bay until they had enough land to build a temple on. Easy to find on Google Earth, just South of Port of Spain. I enjoyed working in Trinidad, beautiful place, the locals are great, but lots of crime. Not safe to walk around on your own anywhere, average one murder a day or more. Police don't seem to be able to get on top of the villains.

xitz wrote:
Subject: Few $$$ worth gone here!!
One big train smash on the Trans-Australia line late last year caused by the intense heat that buckled the rail line. Anyone need a wrecked new car? Or a spare part perhaps?

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A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change.

After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition this is, considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again survives the electrocution.

At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret.

"What is it with the bananas?" "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."

ORSM VIDEO

The Australian Tax Office decides to audit grandad and summons him to their office. The auditor was not surprised when he showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says grandad. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandad says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditors jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandad asks "I'll bet you that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just avoided a major loss and broke even. But grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the lawyer. "This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL IS RENE MILLER
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RANDOM SHITE
Have a good feeling about RS today. Quality-wise it will rank up there with the best of them. If you disagree then go fuck yourself. Check it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied, "Who said they are women?"

TYRA BANXXX
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!' she says.

That night the wife is tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers "I don't know where we were or what we did but by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!"

ORSM VIDEO


All done... except for this last bit...

- Check out the site archives. They're good people.
- Next update will be next Thursday... or at least that's the plan. We'll have to see what affect Australia Day has on this.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will show up at your workplace screaming that you got his mum pregnant.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good and stay off the chems. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.01.13-20.07
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Indeed.

One of the things about living in Australia is the extremes and this time of year is rife with them. Whilst heavy rain and floods have devastated areas on both sides of the country, we've also seen bushfires wreak havoc in other parts. A few people have asked if I'm anywhere near it all but thankfully none of the bad stuff is near me. Without sounding like a giant fag - my heart really does go out to all those who have lost family, friends, houses and livelihoods to the insanity.

Okay so here we are again. A whole new year, a whole new update and a whole new motivation to make this year bigger than any other. That doesn't just apply to Orsm either - my goal for 2011 is to make my world better. And that isn't in terms of material things. A big TV and new house would be great but I'm going to focus on stuff that is actually important. Wellbeing, relationships and making sure I'm not a dick all atop my list. There's also a self-imposed alcohol ban in place until I can learn it's possible to get drunk but not completely smashed...

The last three weeks have felt like three months. Honestly don't think it would've been possible to cram any more activities in if I'd tried but I feel recharged so all good. Thank god for that extra week. Having to fire things back up when I wasn't ready wouldn't have been cool. So let's do a rundown shall we? I'm sure you're all gagging to know just what I've been up to - the exciting life of an adult webmaster right...?

Jumping waaaaay back to Christmas Eve... probably should have seen it coming. On the eve of the last possible shopping day it was decided that we [my siblings and I] will after all be doing presents for each other. Absolutely no thought had been given to gift ideas which essentially caused panic buying but miraculously managed to have everything sorted in a matter of hours. Next year will be a new approach - buy everyone a gift whether one is coming back or not. The other highlight was the cunt who parked into my car in a shopping centre carpark. Was going to post photo evidence but as he's actually done damage I'll be following it up with police.

Christmas Day was begun with a brisk walk and washing of the vehicle. Not ideal considering how frickin' hot it was but these things must be done. Later on it was lunch with cousins and the like. Unsurprisingly the 39°C [102°F] heat wasn't exactly conducive to eating but we did our best. All up not actually such a bad Xmas Day.

We got moving early Boxing Day - destination 250kms south to Dunsborough. Whole thing was very last minute but when an opportunity to escape the big city for a few days presents itself you make it happen. I did manage to forget how incredibly busy it gets at that time of year though. Ridiculous doesn't quite sum things up. A brewery we booked lunch at for example... people without bookings were turned away at the gates and food orders were taking over an hour to be served and that's after waiting 45 minutes to actually order. Add to that the drivers. The fucking drivers. How retarded do you have to be to do 55km/h in a 90km/h zone for miles on end completely oblivious to the dozens of cars lined up behind you? Aside from those grievances the rest of it was awesome. I can't remember ever seeing so many bikinis, nip slips or hotties anywhere, ever.

It was definitely a learning experience though. The southward jaunt and three week break provided near immersion in all things children and a substantial glimpse of what actually goes into being a parent. I now realise that going anywhere or doing anything is a challenge. If I want to go out it's as simple as grabbing my keys, wallet, phone and walking out the door. When rug rats are involved it's a mission. Discussions must be entered into, kids rounded up, bags packed, shoes located and so on. Half an hour later you may actually be ready to go and this happens every single time. Exhausting barely covers it.

My New Years Eve started with an unnecessarily early phone call. Fuckers. So much for enjoying my own bed for the first time in a few days but it was all go from that moment on. By the time evening arrived I was amped for a big one and we started proceedings somewhat sedately at a friend's place for a BBQ. From there we headed into the city, our usual haunt, got drunk and had a great time. Getting home was made all the more easier by bringing a pregnant driver along with us too. I didn't actually crash until around 6am. God knows why but I just didn't want to sleep which made it even harder waking up at 11 to provide transport for daytime event goers.

The rest of the holidays were more chilled out. Played some Call of Duty, cobbled together an update, dinners and lunches with friends, a very early round of golf which almost didn't happen [thanks Apple] and just general relaxation. Pretty much the perfect Christmas break.

Okay that'll do with the condensed version. I had at least 67 other topics to cover but the year is young and there's plenty of time. So let's get on with the update. Quite sure you guys will enjoy it - everything is back where and how it should be. Check it...

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Magic Defence - Suicide Girls - Srsly Wow - Awful Solo - To The Rescue - Still Got It - Going Down - Cam Orgasm

Sexy & Funny - Hawt Threesomes - Sweet Tits - Stupid Bitch - Clearly Retarded - Winehouse Tits - The End

Babes Of Horror - Vivica Fox - Weird Beer - Meet Tiny - Vicki Bikini - Money Talks - Here I Come - Bite Down

Sir Elton John and his husband David are at home changing the new babies nappy. Sir Elton says "Hey darling, the baby looks just like you!" David says "Ooh darling really? Is it the pink nosey wosey?" Sir Elton says "No darling!" David says "Is it the sweet little pinky toes?" Sir Elton says "No sugar!" David says, "Well its gotta be that cute little cheeky smile, hun?" Sir Elton says, "No, silly!" David says "Well come on babe... tell me, what is it?" Sir Elton says "He's got shit round his cock!"
--
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
--
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!" "Wow," replied the first woman, "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
--
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a Roger. It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles and my cock out that I realised she wanted to rent out her spare room!
--
A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctor says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor. "What could have made a hole as big as that?" Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant." The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous". Patient replies "He fingered me first."
--
My friend's wife was in labour with their first child. She was shouting, "Get this kid out of me! Give me the drugs." Then she looked at him and said, "YOU did this to me you bastard!" He casually replied to her, "If you remember Honey, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "NO! It'll be too damn painful."

ORSM VIDEO

LITTLE KNOWN MILITARY FACTS

-The first German serviceman killed in WWII was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937). The first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940). Highest ranking American killed was Lt Gen Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps.

-The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. His benefits were later restored by act of Congress.

-At the time of Pearl Harbour, the top US Navy command was called CINCUS (pronounced 'sink us'), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named 'Amerika.' All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

-More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions, your chance of being killed was 71%.

-The only person to be awarded BOTH the MBE (Master of the British Empire) AND the German Iron Cross during the same war was the double agent Joan Pujol (better known by the British codename Garbo). He fed false information to the Germans just prior to the invasion of Normandy on 6 June 1944 and completely fooled them (Operation Fortitude).

-Generally speaking, there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance, Japanese Ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

-It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

-When allied armies reached the Rhine, the first thing men did was piss in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself been photographed in the act).

-German ME-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City, but they decided it wasn't worth the effort.

-A German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

-Among the first 'Germans' captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

-Following a massive naval bombardment, 35,000 United States and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska, in the Aleutian Islands. 21 troops were killed in the assault on the island. It could have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

VALENTINA & SOPHIE
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He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice, close to my ear. "Now just relax..."

Without any warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and I partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say...

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "We're done."

 My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

ORSM VIDEO



John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

CUTIES
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Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."

FLY IN LUXURY
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READER MAIL
Sitting down early in the New Year to check my inbox was an experience. Nothing quite like 350+ new emails to bring you back to reality. The result at least is a very large, very awesome Reader Mail bag to keep you guys occupied for a few minutes.

If you would like to contribute/submit/be cool then we're always keen for any of the following: funny videos, amateur pornography, random shite, jokes, anything, everything. All you have to do is click here and email it my way.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Flooding
Hey mate, I lost my car in the toowoomba floods the other day, heres the link to my video and another link from some dude who was working in the building above the car park where i left it. Its the last car to get swept away... Insurance is paying out so all is sweet! Now I am trying to get out of Toowoomba to get back to my wife in Brisbane. Hide my details bud!! Love your site. Long time reader, first time contribution.

David wrote:
Subject: floods
Toowoomba Floods

Mental. I wonder how many insurance companies won't survive this. -Orsm

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Buddha wrote:
Subject: Burqa Bungle
Hi ORSM, PMSL. god it was good to see this story and finally have one of these arsehole mulsims put in their place. Don't get me wrong, I am not racist at all. I have a lot of time for the Greeks, Italians, Irish etc that come to Australia to better themselves AND this country, but when it comes to these muslim cunts, well they can get fucked! As a T-shirt I wear says "FUCK OFF, WERE FULL". I heard a good story the other day from the UK how local communities are banding together to get rid of these wankers by burying dead pigs in every one of their proposed development sites. What a great idea as they consider pigs to be disgusting and it means they will not build on that site. We should try it here to. Anyway, just before I sign off I thought I would tell you a quick burqa joke. Why do muslim women wear burqas? If you had seen a muslim women you would know.. LOL (might be why the men fuck goats so much over there). Over the Cunts

Beau wrote:
Subject: Awesome Drum Cover
Hey there!!! I'm a long time viewer and huge fan of your site!!! Hoping to contribute something for a change. Would love it if you could feature a local New Jersey, USA drummers cover on your site. Keep up the good work, thanks!!!

Better than I was expecting. -Orsm

guyla wrote:
Subject: New Year Resolution
People with iPhones. Stop trying to show me what your iPhone can do. I don't give a fuck. iPhones have been out for years. When will you realize the truth huh? There is no app for Loneliness.

I am so guilty of doing this. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: weird video
Love your site and have for some years. Cannot begin to recall how I stumbled across it. Got [this] video from a guy wanting me to book his "kids act" - and this is the accompanying video. I somehow don't think this will work as a kids show - more of a Mystery Science Theater gig with liberal amounts of LSD.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: JB Hifi
Hey Orsm fans.... quite piss funny to see this at jb hi fi over x mas... cheers, hide details

Good to see JB's getting behind Orsm. -Orsm

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Michael wrote:
Subject: news headline
Okay, so a Tucscon, Arizona U.S. Representative was shot over the weekend, and the media has devoted attention to little else. However, leave it to me to find something funny about it. There are SOOOOOOO many ways to go with this headline. as I write this, only two comments have posted to the article, but they're about what you'd expect.

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bill wrote:
Subject: Don't forget to isolate
Something to think about B4 rushing in to help!

Poor bastard. Now he'll have to buy new overalls. -Orsm

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bryan wrote:
Subject: random shite or wherever
Walked into the break room at work and saw this.

One of the many things I don't miss about having a real job... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: receipt
This was from a mates work Christmas party, for a very large national company, and the receipt has to be handed to the accounts section for credit card reconciliation, check the last entry.
click to enlarge

TWEFISH wrote:
Subject: Emailing
ducati melt down

Correct me if I'm wrong but that SHOULD buff right out...? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Why some people should not use Facebook
Long time reader...blah blah.. :) I was browsing through facebook, when I found some moron that was too stupid to realize he was making his posts public instead of sending private messages. First one he goes off about some racist comments then second one he is looking for some "companions". A good example of why not everyone should use facebook. Please hide my details.
hayden wrote:
Subject: penisland
hey, first time email/ poster what ever im doing haha. pal came across this site at work and couldnt believe the makers hadnt notice what name they had given the site. it genuinly sells pens contrary to it being Penis Land haha.
click to enlarge

Rich wrote:
Subject: Richie RIch
Went to the hardware store the other day and saw this on the counter for sell and i thought of you. I just didn't know they needed the this to.

So you saw something that said 'monkey butt' and thought of me...? Thanks... -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: My Wife Asked Me...
A word of Caution - Beware the vindictive and ill tempered Wife. My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake." Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM.

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Steve wrote:
Subject: Buckets of problems
ORSM, Hey, this guy gets a few extra points for creativity... But, it does show you what lengths people will go to in an attempt to illegally enter the USA. If the Mexicans used this level of effort and creativity in improving Mexico (instead of trying to come to the USA,) then Mexico wouldn't be so bad to stay in... Hide my details, I don't want my buckets stolen...
click to enlarge

Harold wrote:
Subject: Super Bitch Picture Attached
Saw this Super Bitch sticker on a Lexus in Lafayette, Louisiana. I guess she won it in the divorce...... please don't share my email. Keep up the awesome work, love the site.

Any money she's fat. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hi, Seen in a pub in Blanchardstown, Dublin, Dec 27th... :)

Why I don't like urinals in 3...2...1... -Orsm

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Adam wrote:
Subject: picture
heres one i found from a friends facebook, besides the creepy pile of red heads, what the fuck is that thing in the middle?.. haha
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Merry Christmas
I have been an admirer of your site for a long time. I thought as a Christmas present I would send you a shot of my pussy. You can tell it is very wet from the picture. I will send you more in the New Year. Please keep my info private. Thank You

click to enlarge

Brad wrote:
Subject: The Safest Restaurant.....
Forget about Chick-fil-A telling you to eat more chicken! For your safety, eat more pork! I'll bet a cup of coffee you already know who you will pass this on to because it is just too good not to.

On the other hand, maybe that makes it a target. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: more pics
please hold the details. here is everything i have of the "non dick suckin if she had to save her life" bitch...

At first I was like no no no no. But when you look at her like this it's not all bad. -Orsm

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Jason wrote:
Subject: Technology...awesome....
Instant Brick Paved Road. How good is this machine? No end to man's ingenuity. Tiger-Stone is a Dutch paver laying machine that can produce brick roads. Paving bricks are dropped by front-end-loader onto the angled trough. Men help to spread them in the trough as they drop into the forming jig. As the electrically operated crawler moves forward along a pre laid sand base layer, all the stones are packed, gravity held together & descend the sloping ramp on to the road.

Posted video of this last year. -Orsm

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justin wrote:
Subject: Suggestions for Christmas Gifts
Times are hard, you are all getting slippers for Christmas!

And if you cut your foot there's nothing to worry about! -Orsm

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Paul wrote:
Subject: Storm of 2010
Here are some good shots of our snowed roads from last week, it is still a mess here but at least the snow stopped. The BIG storm ! Lambton was declared a state of emergency with trapped motorists all along the 402 corridor.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Iranian Weight Loss Program
Orsm-Duuuuuuuuuuuuudddddeeeee. I met the Doctor who helped an Iranian Beauty lose 79 kilos (173.8 lbs). He was very proud of his work, so I checked his website for photos of it. I would brag about this too, but only to close friends, not some guy who would send it to ORSM for the shock value...

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gordon wrote:
Subject: Happy New Year Pics
Some more pics to share

Not necessarily a bad thing but those areolas are substantial. -Orsm

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Brett wrote:
Subject: 1.30 short action film
Hi Mr Orsm, I have attached a video for your site if you are interested. It's a quick short film me and a mate did. [Youtube link here]. Thanks

Not the ending I was expecting. -Orsm

click to open PDF

Paul wrote:
Subject: uni chicks
Persuaded these chicks from uni to give us a show...

There's a place for you in heaven my good man. -Orsm

click to open PDF

ORSM VIDEO

A man goes to the doctor's and says, "D-d-d-doc, I have a st-stutt-stutter, cc-cc-caa-can you hh-hhel-help me?"

The Doc examines him and tells him, "It's your penis. It's over 12 inches long and the gravity pull is so strong it is putting a strain on your vocal chords." The guy asks, "W-w-wha-what c-cc-can w-w-we d-do ab-ab-about it?" The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant on a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering forever." "OK, d-d-do it!"

Four weeks later the guy goes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more, but there is a new problem in that I have only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it anymore either - I can't satisfy her. So I've thought about it and decided that I don't care if I do have to stutter, I want my dick back!"

The doc replies, "N-n-n-no chance, a d-d-deal is a d-deal!"

CATWALK NIP SLIPS
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RANDOM SHITE
This is without a doubt the best RS I've posted all year. Check it...

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Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realised that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realised her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

PARIS DAHL
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"

"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me, so I am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too; I am also celebrating" said the woman.''What a coincidence!" said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs."

"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock" he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"

ORSM VIDEO


And that's it for today dudes. If you need answers then you may just find them by reading the following...

- Check out the site archives. They're drastically oversized.
- Next update will be next Thursday... I think that's when we usually do them right...?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will direct a torrent of water your way. Oddly, he's all powerful when it comes to water.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and always wipe one more time... you know - just in case. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2011.01.06-22.47
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. And we're back...

Really got to admit that this update went together somewhat begrudgingly. Not that I don't love you the faceless citizens of the internets but it's summer, there's people to see and about a billion better options than sitting in front of my PC declining invites for social activities. That said, I've cobbled together something which will hopefully tide you guys over for another week until I make a return to reality. In other words there is PLENTY to see and do but it's more substance than style.

Experience has shown that straying from the norm will upset a few people and inevitably lead to a few [amusing] hate-filled emails but before you put fingers to keyboard, try and keep in mind that: 1. it's a one off; 2. things will be back to normal next week; and 3. my next break won't be for seven or eight months. Basically - chill the fuck otherwise I'll warm up my smacking hand.

So let's get on with things shall we? Check it...

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

It's War!! - Sleeping Babes - Break's Hottest - Drunken Fail - Simply Wow - Natalie Portman - Intense Fuck

Orgasm Girls - Boobs FTW - The Friendzone - Angry Gramps - GaGa's Vagina - Knifed - Badonkadonk - Beer Canon

Sexy & Funny - Is He Serious? - Erin Andrews - Dude WTF? - Booty Dance - Shootout - Big Big Tits - Right Of Way

ORSM VIDEO


You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!


READER MAIL
Okay so basically what you'll find below is Reader Mail on steroids. Throughout the year there are always more submissions than I can generally squeeze into an update so I save them all up for a special occasion -such as this- where they can all be posted saving me from actually having to put a proper update together... and of course hope no one will notice. Some of the items below may be out of context or relate to stuff that happened at various points in 2010 so probably don't get too fixated on that. Again, this is just a one-off and things will be back to normal as of next week.

If you've got anything to say or share then please feel free to do so here.

Ben wrote:
Subject: His first boat...i
This was this guy's first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat off a ramp. However, he figured it couldn't be that difficult to do, so he stopped by his Union office for advice, and they just told him... "Don't let the trailer get too deep in the water when you're launching your boat". Well later on, he couldn't understand what they meant by that, as he just could barely get his trailer in the water! Here's a picture worth a "thousand words! You're gonna love this guy!!! Some people shouldn't be allowed to get married, have children or vote!
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Noddy wrote:
Subject: Your plant
Marvel Loch Waterfront Resort. This is where I work.
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big al wrote:
Subject: feeling blue
here is a picture of my girlfriend
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Some graffiti does make you smile
Graffiti on a road sign in Adelaide CBD. Cheers
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Reg wrote:
Subject: when fate goes your way ...
I think it was shear fate that this guy didnt name his taxi starting with "C"
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wirthbrauhaus wrote:
Subject: Love is Blind
More Craigslist laughs
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Mike wrote:
Subject: G8 Summit lesson in culture
For the American, a long forward look, never distracted. For the Canadian, a rather confused look, somewhat overwhelmed by his coat button. For the Italian and the French, the ass comes first!
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Benny wrote:
Subject: One more for the Pryceless gallery
Got this forwarded by a buddy. Pretty sure you've probably had it forwarded to you multiple times as well, but just in case...
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Anakin Doo wrote:
Subject: Quagmire in Afghanastan
This just was too easy to create.............
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Weird pic
I saw this sign while driving past a church. Thought that others may find it amusing too. I have not posted anything before but just had to with this. Take note of the close-up of the lower sign. I was put on your site a few years ago and don't miss a week since.
ed27th wrote:
Subject: Message To You...
Message to the people regarding their health care...
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Bruce wrote:
Subject: a picture for you
A signboard in the elephant park, Mozambique.
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Jarrod wrote:
Subject: Chip
This bloke really like hes chips lol
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doajordan wrote:
Subject: good nuclear attack strategy
been going to your site for years, good shit. my friend posted this on facebook, and i thought of you instantly.
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Tiger's new endorsement deal
Trojan is America's number one condom brand, like Durex is to the UK. Tiger gets a new endorsement deal... from Trojan!
Bobby wrote:
Subject: Turtles
Found this in my backyard. Sorry for the large size, I was experomenting with adding pics
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Big D wrote:
Subject: funny pic
Howdy, I found these taters in a bag of taters... post details if ya want to
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Ray wrote:
Subject: An article on Yahoo I thought was kind of funny
Hope you get a laugh or a chuckle out of this. :D
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mark wrote:
Subject: doomadgee jan 10 011
a good restorer
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Dan wrote:
Subject: Luau Party
OHHHH NOOOOO!!!! A friend had a Luau Party last summer. All the guys got together for a group shot later in the evening so we could remember the event. The wives took there photos and we went about our night. A few weeks later my buddy's wife posted the photos on Face Book for all to see what a great time was had by all. Here is where the OH NO comes in. No one noticed my twin brother with a '"prop" sticking out of his pants. It was an instant success as people realized what she hadn't when she posted it. I just stumbled across it so I thought I would send it to you. Thanks from Indiana.
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Mikey wrote:
Subject: How much more stupid can we get?
G'day! This is a warning sign that resides on the beach at Northwestern University near Chicago. How much stupider can we possibly get, that we have to tell people that swimming in a huge, deep lake can be dangerous! Duh! I wonder how many dumbshit lawsuits were filed before they decided to put that sign up?
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chris wrote:
Subject: yahoo sports
orsm best site on the web. kepp up the good work. was checking yahoo sports wednesday....this caught my eye. bet his mom is proud!!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Jesus in the refrigerator
Hi Mr. Orsm, i am a big fan of your amazing webside for many years, great job dude !! Last week I went to my local supermarket to buy some pork for BBQ, and guess what I've found in the refrigerator: It's a mark for identifying, but on the left side it looks like Jesus or something, when it's turned at 180° it looks like Chucky *hehe

John wrote:
Subject: President Barack Obama at Graham Road Elementary School, Falls Church, Virginia, Jan 19, 2010
A presidential campaign - $ 1,000,000,000 and more. A failed economic stimulus plan - $800,000,000,000. Bail out for auto manufacturers - $ 50,000,000,000. Bail out for banks - $140,000,000,000. Increase in the federal deficit - $2,000,000,000,000. A President of the United States of America who needs a teleprompter to speak before a classroom full of six year old kids!... 'Priceless'!... There are some things money can't buy!...

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Phil wrote:
Subject: Zoo Bus
This Copenhagen Zoo Bus Ad is definitely impressive. Although I have to say, I'm not sure if this will entice me to visit the zoo, or simply give me nightmares.
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Adrian wrote:
Subject: burning tyre
How to move a burning tyre - If you are a cop
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Craig wrote:
Subject: Do you find this as amusing as I do?
Immanuel College is a well respected Adelaide college. Priceline not so sure.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: FIA Formula 1 Constructors Trophy in here.
Here's a recent photo of the blokes in the quality department of the current F1 constructors champions with the trophy, which was the real McCoy. The unsung heroes who inspect and measure the thousands of individual parts making up each car. The studs fixed around the trophy date back to the 1950s and each has the logo of winning constructors no longer in existence such as BRM, Cooper, Vanwall, and the newly revived Lotus team. The chequered flag studs are blanks, of which there are 18 left so this one will last until 2027, hopefully we will still be reading your website then too!
Rodger wrote:
Subject: May I participate,once again
Finally a good photo, from my "Picture Window". Rodger with a"D". North of the 56th.
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Tiger
This is simply too funny. I pulled this from the Colorado Springs Gazette (who grabbed it from the Orlando Sentinel). The People for Ethical Treatment of Animals is searching for a local advertiser to put up a billboard in Windermere, which will include an image of Woods and text: "Too Much Sex Can Be a Bad Thing....For Little Tigers Too. Help Keep Your Cats (and Dogs) Out of Trouble: Always Spay or Neuter!"
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Mikey wrote:
Subject: "you saw me standing alone...."
Regarding that Smurfette shirt (Worst Bootlegs, March 4 update): Now there's something you only see once in a blue moon.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic
My wife found these on my friend's comp the other day. I think he left it there on purpose for my wife to find. She wasn't really impressed tho LOL. No details please.
Richard wrote:
Subject: Submission for pryceless category :)
just thought id send ya one of my buddies caught in the act so to speak lol
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Tiger
Orsm, Greetings. Here is a negative story on Tiger. See Golf ad to right of story. Coincidental timing?? I wonder what swing they are referring to in the ad?? Swing or Swinger??
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Lite
Can't afford the Big one...
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John wrote:
Subject: Home page material
After doing a search on a internet dating site i got this.... Dating website fail...
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doak wrote:
Subject: "WOMAN of the YEAR"
WOMAN of the YEAR. Let this Photo travel the World 1,000,000 TIMES ! ! !
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sexist Ad
An ad campaign for a Calgary condo development has been taken down after it was called sexist.
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Ian wrote:
Subject: Cock Rock
An interesting example of weathering of granite boulders, otherwise known as "Cock Rock" Barrington Tops NP, NSW.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dude looks like a lady.....
Hey Orsm, Saw this in the mens at a venue a couple of weeks back.... was looking at some of the faces when something struck me as odd.... check out the 2nd pic.... nice try dude! no details pls
Flynn wrote:
Subject: gay mates
Please find a photo of two of my gay mates Walks(giver) and Normy(taker). They both needed no encouragement to pose, and were booking their tickets to Sydney the next day. Use accordingly.
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CJ wrote:
Subject: Amazing Close Up Picture of a Seahorse !
It is amazing what one finds in the animal kingdom!! Cheers
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Mikey wrote:
Subject: Maybe with a little white wine?
Hey, Mate. Clipped this from our local news. I'm sure they didn't mean this, but it just reads kinda funny. ;-(
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Montana Bear Tragedy
This is a very sad story about a bear. Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore. This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife! The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife. Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana nicknamed Bearack Obearma.
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Shively wrote:
Subject: Dear Mr Orsm!!
hey incase you forgot me, I've been visiting and following your site for at LEAST 5 years. Forgive me if you've been up for 4 years 7 months but Im small balling it here, basicly ive been a fan for awhile. Im the dude that sent you a pic of my ex gf. PLEASE PLEASE, make a site forum for your site. Even if its a shity one. Some of the mail people send you, pics laughs, I mean how could any sane person NOT want a forum community centered around your site. Tell you what, You make a forum and I'll get an orsm plate here in Oregon, and if thats not available I'll get a custom plate that says goatse or something. maybe even send some nudes of my current gf who is cuter than my previous one.. Man please consider. Thanks

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Started up my macbook at work the other day, and this was the only wireless network it found! I think the Spinato's need a lesson in setting password protection on their wifi (they can't be complete computer spastics if they managed to rename their network with such a sophisticated name!!) Oh, and thanks for the free browsing Spinato's!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: FB
I saw this person come up on Facebook - check out her name. At least she's a fan of the RSPCA ;-) Please hide my details.
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Tony Polony wrote:
Subject: Butterfly Just for you!!!!
OMG! I Had to send it to you ! I know you like butterflies!
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Burgo wrote:
Subject: Hey Mr.Orsm
Long-time follower associated with many fans of your work. I bought a roast meat thermometer at the local King Of Knives the other day. It's made by Bruno Barontini. I was reading the instructions on the back when I came across the warning and cracked up. It says: WARNING: The point of the thermometer's probe is sharp and potentially dangerous. For saftey sake, handle with care and always keep out of children. Keep up the good work.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Google Maps Double Shadow
Hey ORSM. Long time view, first time submitting. I was looking around my home town and found a cool shadow effect of the google maps van. Pic is attached. Hide Info PLS!!!
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: license plate on a Prius in Penna.
Mr. Orsm, Interesting plate on a Prius that was in front of me the other day. Seems GM DID make an electric car, the EV1 in the mid 1990's. You could not own them, but had to lease them from a dealer. All who drove them liked them, but alas, they were "called back" to the dealerships and effectively destroyed. Why? Who? Big Oil? Here's a good start. whokilledtheelectriccar.com A very compelling documentary.

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V wrote:
Subject: Supermarket Scam
This is REALLY HAPPENING! Tell your friends over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Coles for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking, young men with foreign accents come over to your car and help pack your shopping into the boot, both in skimpy vest tops. It's impossible not to look!!! When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Woolworth's. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting himself against you, while the other one steals your purse! I had mine stolen Nov 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also Dec 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend. So Be Warned!!!

Uwe wrote:
Subject: bullfighting in spain - painfull ? maybe ;-)
hey mr. orsm, maybe something for your site... always be careful when you are in front of a bull... that was a bad accident in spain at a bullfighting. and hmmm I have no pity with this fucking torero. greetings from germany
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Rat in mi garden
After some squealing I went outside and found our cat with it's new dead playmate.
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Jerry wrote:
Subject: Ikea Ripoff
Hey Orsm, Hope things are well. I was shopping on Ikea online just today and I can't believe what I saw. Needless to say I'm gonna get my new wardrobe elsewhere. I've added the URL links [here & here] in case anyone claims its a photoshop job. Keep up the good work on the site man.
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Roome wrote:
Subject: Weird LOGO
Attach herewith is a weird Company Logo for the section RANDOM SHITE.

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Face Book laugh
G'day mate just thought you might be able to use this in some way. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: WIN
Dear Mr Orsm, 2nd time i've felt the need to contact you. Can you please post an epic win for the little guy. Newzbin is back on line just weeks after the MPAA had it shut down. please with withhold my details, ta

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: photo to post
Mr. Orsm - Long time viewer, and this is not my first time submitting. I need your help in showing the world what a jackass this guy was being. He parked his P.O.S. Honda in a handicapped space, with no handicapped tag displayed anywhere. He then proceeded to roll down all the windows and blare his cRAP music so loud that you could hear it inside the store. You know your car is a P.O.S. when you turn your music up so loud that your car sounds like it is shaking apart. It ain't "cool" when you hear metal vibrating apart, asshole! Every person that walked by him got a stare down from this punk-assed bastard and a "what you looking at bitch?" from him as well. I decided to take a photo to show the world what an ass he is. Unfortunately I could only get one picture before the prick caught me taking photos, so I don't have a picture of him. He was there about 20-minutes until his 20-something shorts-dragging-on-the-ground guy pal cretin came out of the store. This happened at the Albertsons grocery store near 120th & Washington in Denver, Colorado USA.

xitz wrote:
Subject: Wedding photograph
This is a very nice souvenir photograph of 24 newly wedded couples. For alah's sake let's just hope that each husband will go home with the correct table cloth!

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Mikey wrote:
Subject: What a Great Offer!
I've gotten some great offers through Spam e-mail, but this is one I find hard to pass up. I wonder who writes this shit.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook message
Hey Mr ORSM, I received a almost "to hard to refuse" offer on facebook. I thought you might be interested in my reply. Hide my details, Thanks.
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BT wrote:
Subject: Goose family
The Canadians are taking over the US! These guys are like rats!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ugly
I know it's too small to use, but this image made me think of Random Shite, so I'm sharing. Gotta hide my details on this one if its used.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: IMG
Somebody hit the sign at the days inn I work at. Thought you might like it. Hide my details.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: gf pics.
please hid the details.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Accident Scene in Nigeria
This is a common scene on Nigeria roads. You need life insurance to ply the roads just in case!
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Roman wrote:
Subject: Divorce 9 11
Hi Mr. ORSM! Haven't seen this one on your site before. May be a bit old, but still fun to read. Please hide my info. Cheers from Vienna
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STEPHEN wrote:
Subject: The AH on the bike!!!!
How many times have you been driving down the road, and you got passed by an asshole on a motorcycle?
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: What is a Bucket seat ??
... and you thought it was something you find in high performance, sporty cars..... guess again......
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facebook retard!
Hey, Had a little disagreement on faceyb the other night ... stupid people make me chuckle. Please hide my details, and block the surnames of those involved if poss. Cheers
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Chris wrote:
Subject: Facebook
Dreams can be confusing
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Johno wrote:
Subject: benders
Hi orsm dude long time reader 3rd 4th or 5th time contributor. Found this on facebook thought it might get a laugh.
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frankie wrote:
Subject: Odometer
Dear ORSM, I'm a fan of your site for years now and wanted to share this pic with you which i took driving my car. Mileage is at 44444 and trip recorder 222.2. Keep up the good work. Cheers.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Why do South African Police officers wear reflective jackets?
The red jacket belongs to a community member doing police duty in Hillbrow, Johannesburg. These community members made the streets safer to commute in, something the SA Police are too shit-scared to do. This photo was taken on a rare occasion where police actually joined in on the night patrol. Please keep my details private. After all, this is the dark part of Africa.
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Gant Man wrote:
Subject: get it?
is funny no?
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: IMG
Speed sign on a 70k section of North Rd Oakliegh
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: photo for your site
Mr. Orsm - Love your site - and have contributed a few over the years. Saw this sad news article about a contest in Finland where competitors sit in a sauna, and leave when it gets too hot for them. Last one left is the winner. This time someone died, so they are cancelling the contest forever. Who'da thunk that would have ever happened? Anywho, Ioved the T-Shirt advertisement that came up.

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Tomas wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Vietnam.......photo by DJG
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xitz wrote:
Subject: SUBTLE DIFFERENCES
The difference between having a girlfriend in the USA and having one in Muslim country.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: You looking at me?
Here you go. Cant tell who hes looking at. Cheers.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Amateur Batman Car
Saw this in Oklahoma City, seen him a few times, finally got a picture to prove to my friends I'm not making it up. This guy is probably like the fake batmans in The Dark Knight who wear batman masks and hockey pads. Please keep my info private.
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Kirumburu wrote:
Subject: Dual Citizenship Effected
Well, well, well...!
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Ron wrote:
Subject: Random shite ;)
Heya, Here is one...for random shite. Keep up the good work.
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slayer wrote:
Subject: application forms !!
HI ORSM !!!, yep im still around just been lurking in the back watchin your site :) my girlfriend found these out the other day and i thought you'd be the kinda guy to appreciate them, enjoy wont you....
Jackie wrote:
Subject: Father of the Year!
I decided that I was going to make a Mocospace because I was bored one night, and within hours I got a message from this guy. You can see as it states, he LOVES boobs and his kids. all in the same sentence. I believe he should win father of the year. My girlfriend comes on ORSM all the time and LOVES you. :) She has posted before, and I just thought that you all might like to see this "Father of the Year" :).
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Hmmmm.
This is a new bar that's opened in Rowe St in town. (Sydney) Interesting name.
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Austin wrote:
Subject: Remarkable Statue
This statue currently stands outside the Iraqi palace, now home to the 4th Infantry division. It will eventually be shipped home and put in the memorial museum in Fort Hood, Texas. The statue was created by an Iraqi artist named Kalat, who for years was forced by Saddam Hussein to make the many hundreds of bronze busts of Saddam that dotted Baghdad. Kalat was so grateful for the Americans liberation of his country; he melted 3 of the heads of the fallen Saddam and made the statue as a memorial to the American soldiers and their fallen warriors.
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Baloch wrote:
Subject: Weirdness
Funny or sick ?
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Funny pic found
Hey Orsm! Snapped this photo at Nig-Mart the other day. Withhold my shit, plz.

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Mike wrote:
Subject: Gilles Duceppe's New Airline
Gilles Duceppe, the leader of the Bloc Quebecois still wants Quebec to separate from Canada. In preparation for this and to enable traveling across the country and sell this to Canadians he is introducing what will be his National Airline. Below is a photo of one of the planes sitting on the tarmac.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Local restaurant pic
I got a kick out of this. They could have picked a better name! Please hide my email. Great site!
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Annette wrote:
Subject: pull out lmao
love it.. I reckon it was deliberate ;)
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James wrote:
Subject: awesome photo
For your random awesome photos or whatever.
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dragonshy wrote:
Subject: Weird guy
brrrr.... scary dude... Cheers from Portugal, keep up the good work! luv your website!
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Dave wrote:
Subject: Remembrance Day
Howzit Mr Orsm, Great site, I visit every week. Here is a little picture I put together for rememberance day celebrating the South African soldier.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: awesome shirt from New Zealand
G'day Orsm long time viewer first time contributor. Here is a shirt I brought recently on my holiday in New Zealand which didn't make some of the locals to happy while I wore it.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hamn' it up for hanukkah
Hey man gotta say badass site. Been checking it out for almost a decade now, so thanks for more random shit and lots more boobage! Anyway, figured ya might be able to use this later this month. Hide my details and all that.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Howzit ORSM, Saw this carrot in a supermarket. Immediately thought about you. Regards.
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Tagging
Nothin like happy washrooms.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: please hide my details
braided it for you...
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noel m wrote:
Subject: Photos
Just some photos i took in a restaurant inTenerife that i thought you might like! Great site.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: gawd what a dick (err literally)
Dude comes onto a dating site, advertises himself in the 'ask a girl' section and of course, mentions he has an 8 inch 'shlong'. He then proceeds to post a link to his photobucket album with pics galore of his love weapon *rolls eyes*. This is what he typed in his little advertisement. I thought I could help his crusade by pasting what he said ;)

Hey, Im looking for some casual fun with any beautfiul women that want to. My shlong is 8.5 inches long, hope you like it. Add me at rbellis1@hotmail.com to chat
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Various pics for your READER MAIL
Hello, I am sending you 3 pics that I took: 1. Salt/Pepper holder (souvenir from Greece) 2. Picture from a Greek sports news paper called "Football Analyst", although the picture placement change the name slightly! 3. A cleverly placed padlock that keeps the gate locked at an archaeological site in Greece (near Lake Trichonida). By the way it does keep it locked...

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Jim wrote:
Subject: Russian dating
Hi Orsm, These might be a good filler..... Somehow a Russian dating site must have got my email and I starting getting loads of pictures of girls with the same text body i.e. "Hello! How are you? Likely, you will be now surprised. I have received the love Internet dispatch. In that letter was spoken about love relations between people. In the list e-mail addresses, I have seen your e-mail. I consider, that the given chance for me unique, therefore I have decided to write to you. I wish to find the true love"....blah, blah...... Anyway I would entertain them for a few emails waiting for them to ask me to send £10k for them to get to the UK, but instead I would ask for a picture of their snatch.....funny, I stopped getting the emails after that!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pictures-yeaaa
Hey Orsm, I was at the grocery store the other night and I came acorss three men who perform in a Gay cover band playing 80's music. Gotta love their outfits, They call themselves ZEBRAS WILD. Thought they might make great pictures.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Slut Pictures
Some pictures from one of those girls off craigslist that asks you to join a website. Hide the details please.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Cheers orsm - please hide details.
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Bernie wrote:
Subject: Thailand/Vietnam
Gday ORSM. here is a few pics of a recent trip to Thailand & Vietnam ya might enjoy. The Elephant carvings in the base of two tree trunks was just layin outside in the weather? These was outside a Cock fighting arena (that of course don't exist as its illegal) and just down the road from the very tacky "White Temple" made to fleece tourists being VERY expensive to visit. The pic of the Orchid is sposed to be the worlds biggest?? The pic of the "entangled" shrub/tree trunks must have taken the monks lifetimes to get like this? lastly the pic that will get me killed by the Handbrake (wife) is her holding Neptunes pecker outside a Marble mine. Hope you can use them and I dont get divorced.
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ORSM VIDEO


That is all. Happy New Year folks.

- Check out the site archives. Get yourself up to speed.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Everything back to normal I promise.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will cut your tongue out and use it to wipe his ass because it's less gay than doing it that way than while it's still attached.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ummm... that's it... that's all I got. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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