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January 2013...
orsmupdate 2013.01.31-19.14
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Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. One million likes and I'll go take a massive shit.

So tomorrow is February and it feels about time for a "Holy shit how can it be February already!?" intro.

Aaaaand done.

I can't work out if this "One million likes and I'll..." thing is a joke or parody or maybe people really are that retarded. Could anyone be so weak minded/willed that they can't actually do anything without a million strangers clicking a text link on a webpage? Okay so some kids got a puppy out of it and that's great but lately every time I jump on Facebook there's another stupid picture in my newsfeed of some random holding up a sign asking for a million likes to help them accomplish the possible. Wish I could find it but the best [read: most pathetic] I've seen so far was some guy asking for a million likes to make his wife to let him go to the cricket [or something]. Mate grow some fucking balls... or congrats on making such a beautifully ironic point.

Moving on. Due to pulling insane hours tethered to the PC last week I managed to make the Australia Day long weekend -feel- like a four day weekend... even though it wasn't. So beginning with day one... or as I like to call it... Friday.

Friday was a day that entailed almost entirely stuff I would rather not have been doing. First was a meeting at the bank to discuss building a house. Really shouldn't have taken more than 15 minutes but as these things go, it stretched out to well over an hour. Why? Because they try to upsell their products by scaring you with stories of people who didn't buy them and suffered the consequences forever. Never do you hear a story about a guy who didn't take loan protection and went on to live a happy life with nothing bad happening. It simply does not happen. Ask any bank and they'll tell you.

The rest of the day - dealing with family, their hair brain ideas and eccentricities. That night - The Impossible. If you haven't seen this film then highly, highly recommend. I always wonder how so many people die during a tsunami [why don't they just go upstairs?] and thankfully it's shown in gory and graphic detail.

Saturday was a fuckfest of lifting and sweat. With a change of address supposed to happen 'at some point' it was decided that moving whatever furniture and assorted junk we don't need in the interim would make the process easier. The problem with where we're moving to is we can't take much of our stuff which is a simplified way of saying just about everything we own will be scattered across 5 different people's houses and sheds across every corner of the city. Not ideal but free storage is -funnily enough- quite a bit cheaper than paid. Shit started early - 7.30am picked up ute from obliging parent. Home by 8, hitched up the trailer, then 3 hours to sort through and load up. Took off at 11 for the hour-long drive east. Another hour to unload and an hour back home. Stupidly it feels like barely a dent was made. Dreading the actual move.

Being Australia Day meant fireworks and there were 2 options [not including staying home and ignoring]. Option 1 was in the city to watch the display over the river with 300 thousand other fools. Never a good idea unless you like being stuck for an eternity in traffic. Option 2 was a fireworks show along the coast over Fremantle Harbour. The plan was to watch it from afar but with time to spare we ventured closer and found an awesome vantage point clear of the masses and avoided any chaos. Good way to do it.

Sunday began with some very unmotivated exercise in the form of walking which morphed into some running as motivation increased. A painful lesson was subsequently learnt on attire choice and nipple agitation. From there, caught up with friends for some dim sum demolition, then grocery acquisition and later moved another carload of boxes. While all this was happening I was battling some sort of psychophysical reaction to god knows what. I kept having that feeling as if someone is scraping their finger nails down a chalkboard. Randomly. Inexplicably. All day. Even thinking about it now starts it up again. Excruciating. Friends over for pizza made on the BBQ that night. Have been tinkering with this for a while to varying results however it was time to road test heart attack on a plate - the mac n cheese pizza. Pics here. Was good but still needs some perfecting.

Monday was the public holiday to make up for Aust Day falling on a weekend. Started with exercise [no running this time] and a couple of hours packing boxes. The rest of the day in front of the PC working working before heading out late afternoon to enjoy a couple of beers and celebrate a birthday. Great, eye-candy-filled end to what felt like an extremely long weekend.

Alright enough about me. Let's get on with the update. Check it...

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THE COOL: Deadly Venom - Boobie GIFs - Silent Sessions - Eat Fresh - Luzaville - Hard To Watch - Lookin' Good!

McFuckers - SpongeKnob - Just Suck - 1st Experience - Human Kebab - Super Boobs - Sicko - STFU Bitch - On My Tits!

Rice Fetish - So Sexy - Rock Babe - Sex Injury - Gay? - With/Without - WTF MUM!? - Terrifying - Drunk Slut - Perfect

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.
--
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The old lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. By the way, it just reaches to the back of her sister's throat".
--
Shagged my best mate's wife last night and today I feel like shit. She must have had the flu or something.
--
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife"...
--
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

ORSM VIDEO

'STRAYA

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "It's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners, off season carni-folk, and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, house curtains would fade. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centre piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland... while any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he then filled it with dickheads remains a complete mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The least said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition.

Not that we're whinging, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem. So what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide!?

We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. And our national dress code is short shorts, thongs, and the good old t-shirt!

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian.

BUMP
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Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other ball?" he asked. "Nope, I only need one ball".  "Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?" "This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one".

"What do you mean you can't lose it!? What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?" "No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball!"

Exasperated, the friend asks "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs. What are you going to do then?" "That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem".

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" "I found it".

ORSM VIDEO


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A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry" he said "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this".

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst" the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get".

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did" the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week".

He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good". He sputtered.

"On the contrary" the man claimed "he's done me a world of good". "But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed. "Yes". The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore".

RAVER BABES
click for gallery

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes".

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah". "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard". "That's true, I do have a yard".

"I'm not done" the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house". "Yes, I do have a house". "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family". "Yes, I have a family".

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual". "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater".

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says "What's that?" Jim says "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No". "Then you're a queer..."

FUCK FAYE
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READER MAIL
If you want to get involved and be an [actual] internet cool guy then I'm always on the hunt for literally anything you can attach to an email and fire down the internets at the maximum transmission speed of your modem or other primary networking device. On my wishlist are the following: jokes, videos, porn of any almost any sort, pics of your hot-as-fuck ex GF, compliments and, if there's a way, money. Failing that, all the stuff you'll see below or for that matter anywhere on Orsm was good enough to make the grade so let that be your guide. Just click here - its that fucking simple. Anyway... check it...

Robert wrote:
Subject: Had to share
Hey nath, So I'm working on getting a whole heap of pics together that I've collected over the years (the worthy ones anyways) but I had to share this one early....

Just. Fucking. Bril. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Eddie wrote:
Subject: Heads up
Look out another idiot Yank is coming your way and we don't want her back.

I thought this was a joke and that no one could be that dumb but it isn't and they can. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Russ wrote:
Subject: From the ISS.......
Hey Orsm! Here you go mate, you're down there somewhere. The city of Perth, and the long curve to the very southwestern tip of Australia. Taken by Cmdr., Chris Hadfield aboard the International Space Station.

I think I can see me... no... wait... there could be someone else with a giant penis. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Greg wrote:
Subject: Floods
Cows getting out of the floodwater

Cows be all like "Whaaaaaat?" -Orsm

click to enlarge

Duncan wrote:
Subject: Emailing
When an innocent picture can go horribly wrong

Don't mind if I do... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Les wrote:
Subject: Funny sign
Just outside Allora Qld. Not sure how they decided the name, maybe how they got the money. No details please. Regards
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
For the past 6 years, a German shepherd called Capitán has slept next to the grave of his owner every night at 6pm. His owner, Miguel Guzmán died in 2006. Capitán, the dog, disappeared while the family attended the funeral services. A week later, relatives of Guzmán were visiting the cemetery when they were astounded to find the dog next to the owner's grave. The family claims that no one had shown Capitán where the grave was. The widow says it's a mystery as to how he was able to find the grave. The cemetery director says that the dog comes around each night at 6pm, and has done so for the past 6 years!
click to enlarge
Anthony wrote:
Subject: Sydney
Sydney's hottest day ever recorded - 18.1.13
click to enlarge

ian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
footprint on floor of a bus

Looks more like some sort of dreadlocked Anime character. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Jim wrote:
Subject: Awsum 1
Use at will, Saw this at the Tyre service the other day reminded me of your website.

People have to realise they will never be as cool as me. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Fap in public...
Orsm - FAP for him and for her, only in Korea. Please withhold my email address. Cheers
click to enlarge

Greg wrote:
Subject: Public Dog Shaming
This is one of my favourite sections of your blog

All the other ones are here, here, here, here and here. They all seem to come from here. -Orsm

click for gallery
click for gallery click to watch video

Catla wrote:
Subject: SV: Love your site
Hi. Not sure which images, movies I send. Cheers

Here's the rest. -Orsm

Justin wrote:
Subject: Hoover Dam Bypass Bridge ......
Between Nevada and Arizona
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A few more pics of me for your fans!!! Hide my details. Enjoy.

Digging the glasses. Oh and the nudity. -Orsm

click for gallery

Neil wrote:
Subject: Handmade... but what are they making?
Slowly scroll your way through the images, what do you think they're building? There are craftsmen... and there are Craftsmen !!

click for gallery
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Whore=0, Vs, Bitch=2
Hey Orsm! I loooove your site! My BF and i check out your updates together almost every Thursday. It's the best thing since sliced bread. I am sending two photos of this girl i once thought I knew. Our friendship started off on a good note and then turned sour with in a few years. Her BF caused most of the trouble near the end when i didn't want to share myself with him. I'd like to believe i played cupid and had something to do with their now very dysfunctional relationship. I half convinced him that they should be together, he was going through a bad break up with another girl. What a bad idea that was on my part. We started fighting because of something that happened between the three of us. These pics were previously sent to my BF's phone, months before they both decided i was no longer good enough to be their friend. She's obviously being the whore she truly is. She's not the classiest girl I've ever meet. Please hide my details.
Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: How to Make a Baby
Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche will have no trouble explaining the birds and the bees to his kids. During his wife Sandra Denis pregnancy, the artist created hilarious explanatory photo series titled "How to Make a Baby." The creative couple planned and carried out their project throughout the whole 9 month period, taking pictures in the exact same settings as Sandra's belly expanded. The pregnancy saga of Sandra and Patrice basically denounces all the traditional cabbage and stork stories.
click for gallery

Bill wrote:
Subject: Colgate's ingenious advertising campaign
Colgate has created a very ingenious advertising campaign to promote their dental floss, but before I explain to you the main detail of these images, I will let you appreciate them quietly. Alright, now that you had time to quietly observe the images, in the first one you will now notice that she has one finger too many in her hand, in the second one a phantom arm is floating there, and in the third one the man has only one ear. The campaign attained its purpose, because it proved that food remains on your teeth draw more attention than any physical defect...

click for gallery

Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: Raising The Costa Concordia
A most interesting operation!! Here's The Ingenious $400 Million Plan To Deal With The Wrecked Costa Concordia

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Selfies
Gday Orsm and its fans. Have not contributed anything for a while so here is few selfies of a bird I was banging and she stuffed me around. Great baps... with hold details , have a great 2013, still love your work
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Brian wrote:
Subject: World's quickest Rolls-Royce
No, it's not a chop. It's a 1970 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow built by Joe's Street Rod Shop. Poking out of the hood behind the Spirit of Ecstasy is a blown 572-ci Chrysler Hemi that is bottle fed to a more-than-adequate 1,350 horsepower. The car has all of the luxury touches you would expect from a Roller, including full leather, Vintage Air A/C, four TVs and a jar of Grey Poupon. Underneath it's a full tilt boogie runner with a Chris Austin chassis, Air Ride, Wilwood brakes, full tubs and Billet Specialties Riviera wheels. It even has a leather-swathed trunk with matching coverings for the batteries, fuel cell and bottle. Notice the leather wrapped roll cage inside as well, a very elegant touch, and one that sums this sophisticated beast up perfectly.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Love the site.
Just wanted to share some pics of the wife. I hope everyone likes them if not piss off. Please hide the details.
click for gallery

dic wrote:
Subject: laidley floods
Narda lagoon Laidley near pioneer village

So sad what happened in Queensland. All that wasted gravy. -Orsm

click to watch video

David wrote:
Subject: Guy gets sausaged!
Hi. Be really obliged if this could make it onto the site. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video
Brad wrote:
Subject: Interesting read
Economics as done by Ross Greenwood on the back of a postage stamp
click to open PDF

Tim wrote:
Subject: Cut this together during the week
Hong Kong Movies that Kick Arse #1 (spoiler warning). Featuring clips from: 60 Million Dollar Man (1995), A Hero Never Dies (1998), A Man Called Hero (1999), A Better Tomorrow (1986), A Better Tomorrow II (1987), The Bare-Footed Kid (1993), Bat Without Wings (1980), The Blade (1995), Bodyguard from Beijing (1994), Bride With White Hair (1993) [Youtube link here]

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ben wa
A little clip for you and the viewers. Please hide info.
click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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ORSM VIDEO

There are two statues in a park - one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most".

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the Pigeon down and you shit on its head!"

MULTIPLICITY
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One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.

Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favourite 'substitute'.

Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in again. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.

So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.

But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ". Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral".

RANDOM SHITE

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A store that sells new husbands opened where women may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, along comes a woman. She goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

FLOOR 1 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 2 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS AND LOVE KIDS

"That's nice" she thinks "but I want more".

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

FLOOR 3 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, AND ARE EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKING

"Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 4 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKING AND HELP WITH HOUSEWORK

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims "I can hardly stand It!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

FLOOR 5 - THESE MEN HAVE JOBS, LOVE KIDS, ARE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS, HELP WITH HOUSEWORK, AND HAVE A STRONG ROMANTIC STREAK

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

FLOOR 6 - YOU ARE VISITOR 31,456,012 TO THIS FLOOR. THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS FLOOR.. THIS FLOOR EXISTS SOLELY AS PROOF THAT WOMEN ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE. THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT THE HUSBAND STORE

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

STONER CHICKS
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An American woman, a British woman, and an Italian woman were having lunch.

The American woman said "I told my husband that I wasn't going to clean the house anymore. If he wanted it clean, he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had cleaned the whole house!"

The British woman agreed. "I told my husband that I wasn't going to do the laundry anymore. If he wanted it done he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, voila! My husband had done both his and my laundry!"

The Italian woman chimed in "I told my husband that I wasn't going to cook anymore. If he wanted home cooking he would have to either go by his mother or cook for himself. After the first day, I didn't see anything. The second day, I didn't see anything. Then, on the third day, I began to see a little out of my left eye".

ORSM VIDEO


Well I think we're done... except for this last bit which is REALLY important...

-Check out the site archives. My lifes work.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless they find me...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will NOT be impressed.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and that is all. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.01.24-18.30
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Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. So you taught me a lesson not to teach lessons...?

How its Thursday already I'll probably never know. The past week has been ridic. Phone hasn't rung this much in months. Questions. Decisions. 16+ hour work days. My inbox fills up faster than I can read emails let alone reply. So, so, so much to do and the moment one thing is done it's immediately on to the next, all the while ten other things are queuing up behind. Now only if I was getting paid accordingly shit would be great. Should add that these aren't complaints - just life as it's currently unfolding.

Crapped on about my office chair last week. Had some insightful emails from you guys about the what and how but ultimately left me slightly more confused than before I started. Good part was my current ride is still under warranty so carted it down to whence it came and they replaced the broken bit free of charge plus gave me spares. Still resigned to upgrading to a more suitable, more ergonomic, more 'looks like this guy knows what he is doing' contraption though. And that was how I spent some of last Friday...

I'd invested a bit of time figuring out where all the main chair shops worth visiting were located, made a list and set off to check them out. They're spread far and wide but started with a couple closer to home and for the most part they can't tell you much more than any idiot able to use Google doesn't already know. The obvious applies - if you want something awesome, be prepared to pay; if you want something cheaper it won't last. Four stores and several hours later I returned home with little more than a repaired chair and some catalogues I'll never read. A long history of procrastinating tells me that despite best intentions, the current one will be used until it breaks again.

Managed to keep myself amused working for the rest of the day before heading out with the parents to a shitty restaurant for dinner using one of those group buy vouchers. Exceedingly average food, watery wine and incredibly inattentive service were somehow the strongpoints of this establishment but the olds paid and provided transport so what I'm trying to say is: enjoyable experience.

Was woken Saturday morning, as usual, buy the fuckface neighbour starting his Harley. Managed to drift off back to sleep although didn't last long because someone was on the roof... or so I thought. Turned out the fruit on the giant fig tree in our backyard had ripened in the last 24 hours meaning dozens upon dozens of birds had flown in from near and far to enjoy the free breakfast. The noise was from lots of them grabbing a fig and landing on the roof to eat it. The squawking from all the others was borderline deafening. Going to be a happy day when the demolition crew knock the tree over.

After punching out some exercise we were off. Returned some Christmas presents, did groceries and got a mall massage to ease the chair-created pain. From there was a twenty-minute drive east to the badlands and use another group buy voucher I'd been gifted. This one for a burger. Burgers are by leaps and bounds my favourite food so there really isn't any limit on how far I'll go for one. Thankfully the burger joint and voucher didn't disappoint and I walked away feeling substantially fatter. Did some other running around stuff while out that way and finally managed to get my hands on the Chinese BBQ pork which had eluded me previously before making it home late afternoon. That night, thanks to the GF being on call, I had the house to myself and watched what I wanted on TV. #winning.

Sunday was mostly relaxed. Got an early start and headed down to the coast for a 5km walk which started at Trigg beach. I mention this because despite the perfect weather there was not a soul in the water. It soon enough became obvious why as news and rescue helicopters and Fisheries Dept boats filled the area - a shark sighting. Western Australia is now the shark attack capital of the world and over the last few years, summertime aerial patrols have started. The result, as you'd expect, is WAY higher awareness... especially thanks to constant news reports about every single sighting. It doesn't matter if the shark was actually a threat to anyone - just if they can get footage from a helicopter and make a story out of it. Can anyone say ratings by fear mongering? Crazy how many people are terrified to go in the water anymore. The fact that the sharks have been out there long before planes and helicopters existed notwithstanding.

Zipped home afterward to get changed and headed back to the same beach which had by then reopened. Bit of a swim, bit of a sunbake and quite a big bit of a perv. If you've never been to this part of the world then it is well worth it for the bikinis alone. Did very little else for rest of day - ate a sammich, watched a movie and stayed out of the heat. Weekend satisfaction rating: 8/10

Alright let's get on with the update. Seriously this one is awesome. The videos are all sick, RS and all the galleries are sicker than aids too. Hopefully it'll get you guys through the Australia Day long weekend. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Very Cool - Bouncing Boobs - Bad Ass Bear - F-Bombs - Catwalk Fail - Invisible GF's - Honest Trailer - Seems Intense

Dat Ass - Gorgeous - Deflowered - Tennis Nips - Badonkadonk - Shocking - Tight B-Hole - Nailed It! - Hot As Hell

Bad Ruski Porn - Talented - Tasty Teen - Bus Sex - Oh Fuck!! - Tits Yum - Nasty Ho - Not Right - Roller Boobs

Penis Barbie - Cum Gargler - Drunk GF - Crazy Dykes - Fucking Moron - Hard Pounded - Tractor Wins - Movie Sex

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!"
--
A fat, ugly, cross eyed ginger bird came dancing up next to me at a party. "So, where are you from, handsome?" she smiled. I said "Earth, what about you?"
--
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down. Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested so I asked him "Can you burn me a copy?" Well that was when the trouble started...
--
Woman goes to the doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge". Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and inserts 3 fingers into her vagina. "How does that feel?" he asks. "Fantastic!" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"
--
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
--
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of guys saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

ORSM VIDEO

THINGS THAT WILL DISAPPEAR IN OUR LIFETIME
Believe it or not, the following things will disappear in our lifetime. Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them. But, ready or not, here they come.

THE POST OFFICE
Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.

THE CHEQUE
Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with cheques by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process them. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the cheque. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.

CURRENCY AND COINS
We still will need to make payments in the future, but coins just don't make sense in the era of electronic money.  Likewise, currency will only be useful to those who want to mask their transactions and wealth in anonymity.  Some fringe rogue countries, home to pirates and drug lords may hold out.  But the civilised world we leave paper money behind.

NEWSPAPERS
The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.

BOOKS
You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book.

LIBRARIES AND BOOK STORES
For people in large families, cramped or noisy households, the public library is or was a study refuge or even a second home. The demise of the printed book many of these buildings are closing. People simply are not going to them as much as they used to. Why leave your house t find something to read when you can get everything via the internet or on your mobile phone?

LANDLINE TELEPHONES
Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they've always had one but eventually we'll all work out we're paying for a less convenient service.

MUSIC
This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today ARE 'catalogue items' meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. This is also true on the live concert circuit.

TELEVISION
Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they're playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it.

"THINGS" YOU OWN
Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in 'the cloud'. Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google have all wound out their own cloud services. That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That's the good news. But, will you actually own any of this stuff or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big 'Poof?' Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.

PRIVACY
If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, 'they' know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. 'They' will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.

ENCYCLOPAEDIAS
Thank you, Wikipedia.

CDs AND DVDs
Physical music and video media won't make sense within a years.  Strangely, the language of tapes will probably stay with us as we "fast forward and rewind".

IF YOU WANT IT DONE RIGHT, DO IT YOURSELF...
click for gallery

A married couple walk past a gorilla enclosure at the zoo.

Says the woman "Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behaviour? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts and see how excited it gets, just as men do".

Mary then exposes one of her breasts and sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

"See" says the woman "Now, I know why you react the way you do. Men can't control their animal instincts, just like gorillas can't!"

Says Mark "Now expose both breasts & let's see what happens".

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla. It gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark "This is incredible!! Now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!"

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now, is extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts ripping the clothes off her.

The woman yells "Mark, what do I do now? Help me!" Mark replies "Now, tell him you have a headache and aren't not in the mood... let's see if gorillas and men are the same!"

ORSM VIDEO


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"As good as this bar is" said the Scotsman "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink".

"Well Angus" said the Englishman "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two". "Ahhh, dat's nothin'" said the Irishman "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no" admitted the Irishman "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times".

WHAT A GIRL SEES
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked "What is this Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is".

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother".

AMELIE: NO IMPERFECTIONS
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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer". "Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart" the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes".

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grouchy old cunt!"

OWLS - NATURES HIDE & SEEK CHAMPIONS
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I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the local pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I answered honestly "No, not really."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. "Just a minute" she said, and walked to the door and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.

I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well come on!" she said "We don't have much time".

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said "sure did" and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the shit out of me... women have always been hard for me to figure out!

RANDOM SHITE

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On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven". "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" "You must be fucking joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

CHICKS IN CARS
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A student from the University of IOWA named Mendy decides to do his thesis on people who sexually abuse animals, and in particular, men who fuck sheep.

He takes a flight to Australia, and meets a sheep farmer and amongst other things asks him how he actually has sex with the sheep. "Well it's quite simple - you grab the bastard by the tail, hold tight and slip your cock in!"

The student later travels to New Zealand and asks a farmer there the same question. "Ah we're with the Aussie jokers on that one - grab it by the tail, hold on and fuck it from behind!"

Finally, the student goes to Wales and asks a farmer there how he does it. "Well it's bloody awkward see - first you find your sheep, then you finds a stone wall, then you grabs the sheep by the front paws, bend its back over the wall and fucks it like that!"

The Student replies "Why don't you fuck it from behind like they do in Australia and New Zealand?" "Fuck it from behind? Well how else am I supposed to kiss it?"

ORSM VIDEO


Well...

-Check out the site archives. You won't believe what's there... and I don't just say this so you'll click. Seriously they're amazing.
-Next update will be next Thursday. No promises of course but I havent missed a Thursday for a few years now. Just sayin'.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will huff and he'll puff and he'll blow your house down.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and happy Australia Day fellow convicts. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.01.17-18.12
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Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. How old are the Red Hot Chili Peppers now... yeah...

The best part of this week has been somehow managing to stay completely focused on the task at hand. I've managed to get a monumental amount of stuff done and job satisfaction is at near record levels. Gotta love when you're actually happy to be at the computer doing whatever. It's better than when you're at the computer not happy doing whatever. Now if I can just keep this up it should be possible to take the rest of the year off after... December 19.

I've been digging through all the image galleries posted since the commenting feature was added and holy shit what fucking a mess. My initial goal was to remove the tens of thousands of spam comments some fuckface trashed them with before Captcha was implemented. Other than that I don't usually read many of them except to remove retarded 'first' posts so pretty safe to say I had no idea how many idiots degenerate comments in to racist crap. Just so we're clear... I love racist humour far more than is socially acceptable and there's been plenty of them posted on Orsm over the years but to me they're exactly that - jokes. I've never felt the need to anonymously post "nigger" over and over on any website. Long story short - in future when I see them, they'll be deleted. If you see them feel free to let me know.

Was looking at my computer chair the other day [the chair I sit at the computer in, not a computerised chair although that would be awesome] and noticed it was slightly wonky. Began to wonder if it's the cause of a recent escalation in back pain and waking up sore every day for no apparent reason. Went online to suss out replacements and gave up when I saw the cost of anything half decent and 'ergonomic'. The next day the motherfucking gas strut punched through the bottom of itself and chair is now completely fucked. Figure I've spent 12,000 to 15,000 hours in it over the last few years so something was bound to happen eventually. Anyway looks like I'm getting a new chair after all so my question to you guys, particularly the ones who live at a desk, what should I be looking for? Does it need to be an overpriced Herman Miller or is anything ergonomic okay or is ergonomic a myth? Email me!

Moving on to the rest of my week and beginning with last Saturday... the nicest thing I can say about the newish neighbour a few doors down is that he's a cunt. I'm all for people owning excessively loud motorbikes... until they live near me and leave for work every day at 6.30am. To his credit he starts the thing up and leaves straight away but his Harley is robbing me of precious hours. Decided to put the early rise to good use and spent the next few hours working away before heading out for some grocery acquisition. From there we swung by an Italian food wholesaler. Good people, family business, although asking for advice or help only seemed to solicit mockery and backhanded comments. Dude... is it really so bad that I like pineapple on pizza??

Caught up with a long lost friend for coffee afterward. Been trying to get that happening for a while but with dog getting sick, passing away and Christmas it just didn't. From there we went straight to the hospital to visit friends who'd just popped out their firstborn. Some interesting conversations ensued. First one eventually involved a maternity nurse "What's to stop parents mixing up identical twins once they're home and name tags are removed?" She had no idea and suggested that it probably does happen. In other words, if you're a twin, you may not be you.

Second was a story about a woman who'd given birth to 10 kids. The GF thought it was sweet and they were very lucky parents. My reaction was more to do with the mum's vagina most likely looking like road kill. I went on to say that 99% of guys would share this view as opposed to the 'lucky parents' thing. She went on to say I've seen too much porn. Guys - amirite?

With nothing planned for Sunday it was time to clean the cars. The Hyundai [obviously not mine] is our beach transportation vehicle because I don't want sand in my car. Yep... it's okay when it's someone else's. Took ages to get the fucker de-sanded, followed it up with a wash and then moved on to my baby. Upon finishing and leaving the house of course it began to rain. Zipped into the city for a late lunch and quickly back out to visit friends and work out finer details of renting with them in a few months. From there, off to an Asian supermarket. I'd heard about their Chinese BBQ pork and, being one of my favourite things, couldn't resist. Had even conjured an insane recipe in my brain involving the pork, macaroni cheese and chili. [It's possible recipes like this are to blame for destruction of my chair...]. So we get there, I locate the pork and line up behind a very large Asian woman. And what does she do? She buys it all. $40 worth. Fffffffff-uck!!

And that about does us with the blogging for today. Worth the read? Clearly not. Don't stress though - I'm about to make up for it with a stunningly stellar update so get comfortable and prepare for some Orsm-style entertainment. Check it...

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BONUS: So Addictive - This Is Awesome - Clever Idea - Stopped Trying - Great Choon - Perfectly Timed - Sucker Punch

Camwhore Awards - Horny Emo - Hawt Babysitter - She Got Worms - WTF - God Damn - Jump Already - Friendly Fire

Ape Clitoris - BJ Defence - Virginity Taken - Tragic - Unfknblvbl - Crazy Wife - Weird Orgasms - See Thru Nips

Naked Hula - Hole In One - SuperHero Babes - Wicked Goth - Please No - Assholic - Dislocators - Bitch! Bitch!

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat...?" Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says "Darling, what's wrong?" "For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife". "Ex-wife!" she screams "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't".
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What do a blowjob and a woolly jumper have in common?? They both feel rough when you get them from your granny.
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It's my black stepson's birthday today and I'm going to give him a little treat by leaving an extra $10 note in my jacket pocket.
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An 8 year old boy asks his local priest if wanking gives you muscles. Rather surprised, the priest replied "I don't think so my son, but don't stop I'm about to cum!!"
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To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.

ORSM VIDEO

TOP GUN TRIVIA

-The Kawasaki Ninja 900 was then the fastest bike in production. Top Gun made it famous.
-Charlie's car is a 1957 Porsche 356 Speedster. 356s also appear in 48 Hrs. and Bullitt.
-One scene was filmed six months after the movie wrapped. Kelly McGillis's hat is hiding her different hairstyle. Tom Cruise's hair was different, too. That's why he's just leaving the shower.
-Top Gun transformed Cruise from a young actor to an international star. He was only 23.
-From the very beginning, the filmmakers wanted Cruise for Maverick. He kept turning it down until Jerry Bruckheimer arranged for a ride along with the Blue Angels.
-Did you catch a glimpse of Merlin? That was Tim Robbins.
-Producers knew Top Gun was big when leather jackets and white shirts came back in fashion again. Ray-Ban sunglasses also had a spike in sales following the films release. The same thing happened three years earlier, with Risky Business.
-Top Gun was the No. 1 movie of 1986, making over $170 million in the U.S. alone. It was so popular it stayed in some theatres for an entire year.
-In 1986, jet fuel was pretty cheap - about $1 a gallon. Paramount still paid $10,000 an hour every time they went up to film an F-14, though.
-An F-14 costs at least $18 million.
-The Officers' Club was the place to go in San Diego for local girls to meet fighter pilots. Until the mid-eighties, some of those local girls were actually strippers.
-The story of Maverick's father is based on an actual WWII and Korean War pilot killed in an F-9 crash. The pilot's son, call sign Wizard, was also a Topgun fighter pilot like Maverick.
-Topgun was established to curb the high casualty rates of American fighter pilots during Vietnam.
-Instructors wouldn't score oceanfront property anymore. Topgun moved to Nevada in 1996.
-There were two historical incidents in the eighties that are similar to the final deployment. Both involved American F-14 clashes with Libyan jets over the Gulf of Sidra.
-In 1986, the F-14 was the best fighter jet in the world. The U.S. Navy used it from 1970 to 2006. Today, Topgun pilots fly the F/A-18 Hornet and F/A-18 Super Hornet.
-Maverick and Charlie have chemistry, but in real life McGillis fell for Wolfman (Barry Tubb).
-For the decade after Vietnam, war movies were anti-military. Top Gun reversed that. It helped that Reagan was in the White House and America was feeling patriotic again.
-At Topgun today, there's a $5 fine for anyone on staff who references or quotes the movie.
-Yahoo! Movies calls Top Gun the nineteenth-best action film ever.
-In 2011, the Chinese government broadcast Top Gun footage, claiming it was the Chinese air force.
-Kilmer: "The only egos bigger than actors are rock stars. And the only people beyond that are fighter pilots".
-Top Gun songwriter Kenny Loggins says the movie has an "eighties John Wayne attitude".
-The original idea for Top Gun came from a magazine article about fighter pilots. Producer Jerry Bruckheimer says the goal was to make "Star Wars on earth".
-There isn't really a Topgun plaque. It was created to give the characters a competition.
-Producers based Charlie on a civilian who worked for the Center for Naval Analyses. She was originally going to be in the Navy, but they don't allow dating between officers.
-Iceman's cough was totally improvised on the spot by Kilmer.
-All of the actors playing pilots went on actual F-14 hops except for Kilmer, who refused. Anthony Edwards (Goose) was the only one who made it through without getting sick.
-Director Tony Scott wanted all visual effects in the movie to have a "documentary realism". So they hired documentary cameramen to film all the effects footage. Scott loved to film the jets at dawn so he could capture the beautiful natural light. Producer Don Simpson said the first cut of the movie "felt like one long sunset".
-No pilot in the history of Miramar had actually buzzed the tower.
-Cruise and Kilmer never interacted off set. So their onscreen tension came naturally.
-Cruise and co-star Kelly McGillis almost never stand side by side in Top Gun. McGillis is taller, so she acted mostly in bare feet while Cruise wore lifts.
-Anthony Edwards had no idea he was going to sing and pretend to play piano in one scene. Scott was listening to Lee Lewis that morning and added it in last minute.
-Cruise was the only actor to get his actual flying footage in the final cut of the film. In his F-14 hops, Cruise went twice the speed of sound, or 1,536 miles per hour.
-The production built an almost-perfect F-14 cockpit just from photocopies of the manual.
-The MiG pilots were played by actual Topgun instructors.
-Maverick is both literally and figuratively boxes up his memories of Goose. Compartmentalization is the way the Navy teaches pilots to stay focused on their missions.
-One sequence was filmed using F-14 models being dropped from a ladder. Some were literally bought off the shelves at a nearby store.
-Top Gun would have been impossible to film without the Navy's jets, carriers, and cooperation. It paid off for them. The Navy set up booths outside theatres, and recruitment went up 500 percent.
-MiG is a Russian aircraft company similar to Boeing or Lockheed Martin in the U.S. The MiG-28 isn't a real MiG jet, though. They were actually F-5s, chosen because they look sinister. The movie never mentions where the MiGs are from because the Navy didn't want to upset any nation.
-Air-to-air combat usually takes place in an egg-shaped fighting arena around five miles wide. Topgun pilots attack in pairs, which is an old dogfighting move called "loose deuce".
-Real Topgun doesn't hold classes in hangars. They have classrooms for that.
-The locker-room scenes were added to drive home that this is really a sport movie.
-A flat spin creates a low-pressure area and stalls the canopy when ejected. Producers wanted a mid-air crash but based the accident on a real-life one instead.
-Approximately 48 students graduate from Topgun every year.
-Topgun doesn't deploy pilots. They'd get that info from their squadrons after they left.
-The Navy doesn't have that many planes, so they're usually outnumbered by enemy aircraft. The Air Force might send in twenty airplanes whereas the Navy could send in only four.
-The odds of taking machine-gun fire and continuing to fly are pretty slim.
-There aren't many MiG kills, so when a pilot shoots down an enemy it's a big deal. Tech adviser Pete Pettigrew: "It's just like this. Everybody's screaming. It's really wonderful".

CUTE GIRLS
click for gallery

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

-Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
-Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
-If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
-Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
-Get in the shower.
-Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...
-Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
-Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
-Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...
-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
-Shave armpits and legs.
-Turn off shower.
-Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
-Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
-Get out of shower.
-Dry with towel the size of a small country.
-Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
-Walk naked to the bathroom.
-If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
-Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
-Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
-Get in the shower.
-Wash your face.
-Wash your armpits.
-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
-Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
-Wash your hair.
-Make a Shampoo Mohican
-Wee.
-Rinse off and get out of shower.
-Partially dry off.
-Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
-Admire willy size in mirror again.
-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
-If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again
-Throw wet towel on bed.

MIKAYLA MENDEZ BRINGS THE WOW
click for gallery

Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realised that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife "Where is the rake?" She couldn't really hear him and shouted back "What?"

He pointed to his eye, then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch. Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her "What the hell was that?" She replied... "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

SUBWAY STRANGENESS
click for gallery

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL
Fuck knows what I was thinking. A several week backlog of emails was ALWAYS going to take a ridiculously long time to sort through and in a strange twist, that's how a significant chunk of yesterday was spent. The result - this week's RM is sick. Maybe even too sick.

If you want to get involved and be an [actual] internet cool guy then I'm always on the hunt for literally anything you can attach to an email and fire down the internets at the maximum transmission speed of your modem or other primary networking device. On my wishlist are the following: jokes, videos, porn of any almost any sort, pics of your hot-as-fuck ex GF, compliments and, if there's a way, money. Failing that, all the stuff you'll see below or for that matter anywhere on Orsm was good enough to make the grade so let that be your guide. Just click here - its that fucking simple. Anyway... check it...

Dave wrote:
Subject: Treat burns with egg whites - NOT
By now, you've likely received a hundred or so emails on the submission by "Supaduck" with the subject line, "A HEALING FOR BURNS - PLEASE READ". Snopes has a different take on this titled, "The White Albumen" covering the claim, "Treat burns with egg whites."

Sincerely hope no one takes medical advice from orsm.net. -Orsm

Hans-Peter wrote:
Subject: STRANGE WEDDING TRADITIONS
Hi, you wrote: "GERMANY: wedding guests give the bride and groom new dishes and cookware as gifts... and then they smash them. Supposedly the noise scares away evil spirits". Sorry, but that's wrong! What you mean, the "Polterabend" takes place before the wedding and there are no new dishes or cookware smashed! Also look here.

Greg K wrote:
Subject: reply to Jay's post
in reply to Jay's post, this was not done over 12 hours it was done over months, this was a reality TV show where they did crap loads of cosmetic surgery to each woman. Dental repair, to face lifts, nose jobs, boob jobs and tummy tucks. It was called The Swan and the only reason I know is my wife watched it. Do a Google search "TV the swan" and you will get that exact image and of course many many more LOL. Keep up the good work Mr. Orsm, you rock

damien wrote:
Subject: joke
hi osrm. you're from australia right? well, i seem to remember you're from western australia or something. cause i've got a joke, only it's an australian one, so that's kind of local or something. it goes like this.

consider this, from a mathematical, statistical, kind of breakdown of the social makeup and everything like that if you will, from a more scientific perspective rather than getting all vitriolic and vigilante like so many people are inclined to do. the situation is, that if 1% of the labor party has been identified in relation to paedophile offences compared to on a rough breakdown 0.1% of the general population, we find that there is an identified incidence of paedophile activity in the labor party that is 10 times that of the general population. given this higher incidence, of 1% compared to that of the general population being only 0.1%, what does that tell us? it tells us that there are still 99% of the labor party to catch. boom boom

at the moment in australia, especially south australia, it's actually kind of true and a very bad situation. look, nothing wrong with good, normal porn. and your site keeps the healthy, normal stuff with a humorous, balanced outlook. thanks. but the reality, good porn has been getting a bad name for too long by organisations and people saying they're against porn and it's bad for women, but reality, their agenda is trying to make themselves look good because they're really doing something very bad. much like catholic priests, who believes that shit about being celibate? the days of old guys with beards walking around wearing dresses, beating off in the confessional box and instilling "reverence" into the kids at sunday school, might just be on the way out. it will be a better world for everybody and normal, good porn. trust me. but that's the joke, if you like it or not, or maybe you can't publish it or you might wanna change it. thanks huh and thanks for the site

<with held> wrote:
Subject: One for Random Shite
Hi Orsm, This was on eBay yesterday. Gotta love camera phones and mirrors eh? Withhold details if you don't mind. All the best

Do YOU come with the dress...? -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pic of a really stupid comment
Love the site. Been following it for years. Figured you might like to post this image of a black lady not quite getting what this particular dating site is used for. Please withhold name and email address. Thanks for your service and humor providing website.

Some people are just too stupid. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Orsm Fan wrote:
Subject: Shark Spotting, Plettenberg Bay, South Africa
Hey Mr Orsm. I circled above this Great White for about 10 minutes as he cruised just behind the breakers off Robberg Beach in Plett (lots of swimmers this time of the year!). Safe swimming!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: The Cameltoe!!
As mentioned!!

Definitely a vagina. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Brian wrote:
Subject: ATO
"Hello, is this Miss Singleton? – Yes, it is I". "Miss Singleton, this is John Smith, your tax accountant. I must inform you that your tax statement was rejected by the ATO. They say that your salary and your possessions are incompatible... Your salary as a secretary is too low for you to be able to afford a luxury apartment, a new Mercedes-Benz, expensive clothing, jewelry, vacations in Europe, etc". "Oh, and what can I do about it?" "Well, let's do the following: Send me a recent copy of your principal source of income, and I'll see what I can do with it at the ATO". "Very well Mr. Smith. I making a photocopy of it now, and I will fax it to you shortly".
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Bill wrote:
Subject: In search of 2013
Happy New Year, and GOOD LUCK trying to find one like these two....

I can safely say my penis would be wasted on these two... -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Seen in a Disneyland parade. I really think they could have found a nicer way of attaching this woodland creature to the float.No personal Plz
click to enlarge

Brian wrote:
Subject: In case you get confused....
For the avoidance of doubt, I provide the following clarification. There should be no further confusion regarding this subject!

That clears it up. Thanks. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: This is a GREAT idea
Tired of going for dinner with friends only to look across the table and see everyone playing on their phones? TTry this. The first person to crack and look at their phone picks up the bill. Rules: 1) The game starts after everyone has ordered; 2) Everybody places their phone on the table face down; 3) The first person to flip over their phone loses the game; 4) Loser of the game pays for the bill; 5) If the bill comes before anyone has flipped over their phone everybody is declared a winner and pays for their own meal.
click to enlarge

Matt wrote:
Subject: Stoned!
hahahahahah A mate got this while applying for an Aussie visa!

Wasn't aware that was now a criteria. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: I found a watch for your wrist!
If we get some more people together we can get another couple hundred off the price. Anyone want in....................??? Retail: $205,000.00; Ashford Price: $112,750.00; Sale: $71,750.00; You Save: $133,250.00 (65%)

Aaaaand it's fucking ugly as fuck. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Got some images you can post.
Hey Orsm, love your site, been coming for a few years now. I went ahead and attached some pictures you can post if you'd like. If you do please don't post my information. Just wanted to share some girls that shared some pictures with me before I fucked them. All they wanted was some fun and we did. Oh yeah if you couldn't tell I'm into big tits :)
click for gallery
Cathloser wrote:
Subject: The Couch
super cute :) Photos taken at the Shamattawa Dump in Manitoba, Canada. Now where the fuck is the remote?
click for gallery
Supaduck wrote:
Subject: 20th
WOWZA brilliant show Vio taz for sharing.... sure brings back a few from yesterday...
click for gallery

Jd wrote:
Subject: World's Largest Indoor Rainforest
Tropical Islands Resort is an artificial tropical resort located about 60 kilometers south of Berlin and is housed within the largest free-standing dome in the world. This massive airplane-hanger-like structure is 360 meters long, 210 meters wide, 107 meters high, and is supported by 14,000 tons of steel. It is large enough to host 8 entire soccer fields. Even the New York Statue of Liberty (93 meters) could stand upright in it, and the Paris Eiffel Tower (322 meters) could lie in it.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Love your site
Hi. First. I love your site. I must tell. I meet this crazy girl. Not interested but one evening I was drunk and mailed her. Now to the fun part. She never stops mailing me... She started slow.. with pictures.
click for gallery
Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: LAKE COWICHAN IS NOT FAR FROM DUNCAN ON VANCOUVER ISLAND !
This guy from Lake Cowichan was fishing on the Cowichan river outside of Skutz falls. It was his first ever fly-fishing venture. A crowd gathered on the gravel road to take pictures. How cool is that, go fly-fishing and catch a bull Elk. I seriously doubt this guy knows how dangerous this can be.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: True mateship
A stray dog stands guard over the body of his dead mate and in a moving display of devotion continues to lick her head in a bid to revive her. These heartbreaking pictures taken in Zhangzhou, in China, show the animal carefully nudging the female dog after she was hit and killed by a car. After he fails to wake her, the male refuses to leave and stays within feet of his mate for six hours.
click for gallery

Brett wrote:
Subject: Highlights of 2012
Happy New Year to all. Thought I would do a highlight video of all my vids from 2012. Enjoy. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Brian wrote:
Subject: Muslim Criminal Gangs
there is really some food for thought here. GET THEM OUT OF OZ, BEFORE IT'S TO LATE.

File requires MS Powerpoint to view or download the PP viewer here. -Orsm

click to open PDF

Davie wrote:
Subject: Local flavour
How you doin mate? Here is a vid that I think you'll like. Filmed in my hometown in a fish and chip shop. Some of the locals are upset first by the tobacco prices and then by the intrepid cameraman.

click to watch video

Frank wrote:
Subject: Naked Yoga
Very hot yoga instructors. Did I hear a fart going off at around 43-45? sec.. lol she says excuse me.

Let me speak for all men when saying we'd do a lot more yoga if this is how classes went. -Orsm

click to open PDF

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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ORSM VIDEO

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful" said Grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you... since you are a little different from everyone". "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents" Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"

"There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him 'Doc'!"

"And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me 'The Fucking Arab'!"

BLONDE LESBIANS? BLONDE LESBIANS!
click for gallery

NHL LOCK OUT
We don't get a lot of hockey in this part of the world but the following in regards to the NHL lockout is a good read...

So the other day the NHL made the players a pretty reasonable offer, today on Sports Center I see Shane Doan whining and I'll quote this as best as possible..

SHANE DOAN: "If someone is gonna rob you they say give me your money or I will hurt you, not give me your money and I'm gonna hurt you! That's how we feel".

Well Shane Doan let's do some math. You've been in the NHL for 16 years, you've made $41,294,000 in those 16 years. Which averages out to $2,580,875 per year and $31,474.09 per game. Last year you averaged 21:02 min of ice time per game so basically you get paid $31,474.09 for 21 minutes of hard work.

Oh but on a plus side to play hockey, and not for long but from September until June if you make it that far and then you get the whole summer off to play golf and relax. WOW what a tough life! So really? Shane Doan, really?? Are you gonna be that hurt if you lose $50,000, $500,000 or even a million $ this year? Or next year??

Give your head a shake and next time you wake up in the morning in your MANSION and look in the mirror I hope you realise how ridiculous you sounded when saying that to the media.

Lastly I'll leave you with this since you are Canadian. The 3 jobs I'm about to list are technically all jobs that are considered on duty 24/7/365 but they all get some time off here and there so I broke their average salaries up based off working 200 days a year. Average pay per day of work:

Canadian Cop - $412.27
Canadian Soldier - $343.25
Canadian Doctor - $1,216.67

Now that being said why should YOU get paid $31,474.09 to play 21:02 minutes of a hockey game? Shut-up and play already!

RANDOM SHITE

click for gallery

We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!

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As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!"

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said "Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone!"

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She walked in to find her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked "What the fuck are you doing?" The husband replied "Watching football with my son-in-law!"

EVA ANGELINA ROCKING GLASSES
click for gallery

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 x 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 x 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?

ORSM VIDEO


Done dudes and if you've made it this far down the page then the update must have been pretty good... who am I kidding... of course it was!

-Check out the site archives. Why wouldn't you?
-Next update will be next Thursday... and always will be.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will cut your head off. It'll eventually wash up on a beach at Rottnest. No one will really care because you're a bad person - I mean after all why didn't you tell them about Orsm?? Don't laugh... he's done it before.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ??? . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.01.10-17.49
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Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. I fart whilst on escalators.

Ever find yourself doing anything other than what you're supposed to be doing? Welcome to my week. Keep drifting off on tangents so this update which should have been finished hours and hours ahead of schedule has only just sort of scraped in. OBVIOUSLY that means it's a killer one but having that extra time to go and do 'stuff' would have been handy. Anyway let's get cracking with some blog action and in the process cover the Christmas break starting with...

December 25th. I don't even know what to say. Pretty much every Christmas I can remember has been hijacked by family-related insanity... to the point there is legitimate anxiety attached and I find it impossible to enjoy myself [until family commitments are over that is]. This year was very different. No one's issues got in the way, everyone was civilised and everyone enjoyed themselves. It was fucking weird... not having drama. That aside, I got some cool presents, some crappy presents and gave some unreciprocated presents. Yeah I'm hard to buy for but who isn't? One day, probably during the part of the trial to ascertain my mental state, gift reciprocity throughout my life will likely factor heavily.

The Holidays. I had one single goal to achieve between Xmas and NYE and that was to spend an entire day parked in front of the PC smashing out a game with optional junk food abuse. It's a tradition which has stemmed from a self-enforced ban on having video games installed for the other 50 weeks of the year. Hours are dedicated to perusing the Steam Holiday Sale and reading reviews before finally making a selection. Shit didn't pan out that way though. Following such a ridiculously busy year and in the process neglecting so many friends and fam, I'd booked numerous lunches, dinners, coffees, catch-ups, beers and whatever else... all them interspersed with hitting the beach 1-2 times a day and a day trip south to visit relatives, it was starting to look like my slothy day was never going to happen. But then the planets aligned. Mafia II was downloaded. 12 hours of uninterrupted gameplay and bliss followed.

New Years. Usually always look forward to a huge NY's celebration. Shit should be crazy. If you don't sleep for a couple of days that's okay too. Unfortunately it was never going to be the case with all significant friends I'd usually see the new year in with either pregnant or away. Options were limited. Okay fuck it. Let's just go do our own thing. So we packed a bag and headed for the beach. The first thing we see are big signs like this. Why? Because dickheads can't handle their booze and start fights/riots. Basically everyone has to suffer. But fuck it. We'll drink on the beach anyway. So crack open some bubbles... right as the rent-a-cops appear ready to hand out fines. Tip out glasses and pretend not to notice them. They walk by. Crack open another bottle and hung there watching the sunset. Didn't punch a single person either. From there we walked down to a restaurant and ended up seated between a bunch of randoms. Had a great time getting drunk and making small talk before bailing just before midnight and walking back across to the beach. Soon enough there's the countdown and moments after that people run from every direction, stripping clothes off and into the water. Fuck it. May as well join them. Awesome albeit chilly way to start the New Year and even more awesome night overall.

Burns. Maybe I'm more accident/injury prone that I realise. Luckily my pain tolerance is relatively high otherwise the numerous occasions I've overexposed my body to heat sources lately might have me being a lot more whiny. The current tally is 2 x separate barbecuing burns; 2 x separate oven burns; 3 x sunburn incidents; and the most recent - 2 x quite nasty feet blisters from hotter-than-I-thought beach sand. But hey - its summer and these things are expected although at this rate I may not survive to see winter.

Car. There was definitely supposed to be a few cruises over the break. Down the coast. Around the city. Whatever. Car had other ideas. The morning following the day trip south I went outside to jump in and go do whatever. Reversing out the driveway something felt odd and didn't take long to work out it was a flat tyre. Probably just picked up a nail. Park up and arrange alternate transport. Later that day I track down an air compressor, pump shit up and head down do the tyre shop. They take the car into the workshop and a few minutes later get a polite "We can't fix this. Come look". So I did and this is what had happened. Long story short the car is lowered and even with camber adjustment to max positive, it isn't enough to stop them wearing unevenly. The next problem was replacement tyres. They aren't an off the shelf fitment and proximity to New Year's meant suppliers were closed. Short story shorter - was carless for a whole fucking week.

And that boys and girls will probably do us. It should surprise no one that I could crap on for at least another half dozen paragraphs more so I'm doing everyone a favour by getting on with the update. As mentioned, it is astonishingly brilliant and will surely be responsible for thousands of masturbations. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

BONUS: Endless War - Tit Fuck...? - Grim Sheep(er) - Bad Parenting - Fuck The Gov - I Trust You - Fucking Cruise

"It's Only Smellz" - Red Perfection - Load Limit - How It's Done - Crazy Bitch - What A Fag - Anl Azn - Classic Scene

Ghetto Slut - Exorcist Porn - Amazabells - Salad Tossing - A Bit Queer - Dem Curves - Flabby - Snort Whore

Lily Cole Nood - Deflowered - Epic Blonde - WTF Japs!? - Real Amateur - Perfect Ass - Smegma'd - The Urge

After weeks of experiencing the hot, sweaty foliage... coming across countless creepy crawlies and other vile creatures, surviving only on the bugs around me... I've finally found Susan Boyle's clitoris.
--
I just finished reading a news article about Hillary's hospitalisation for a blood clot in her head, presumably as a result of the concussion of a couple of weeks ago. A blogger wrote that he'd overheard a reporter asking Bill about the situation. Reporter: "Bill how is Hillary's head?" Bill "Well, she's no Monica but I've got no complaints".
--
While I was driving to work I saw a girl texting on her phone while driving! I was disgusted so I lowered my window and threw my beer at her.
--
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
--
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change".

ORSM VIDEO

STRANGE WEDDING TRADITIONS

TIDONG COMMUNITY, NORTHERN BORNEO: for three days and three nights after their wedding, married couples are not allowed to use the bathroom. To ensure they adhere to the rules, family members guard their bathroom 'round the clock. This is said to be done as a protective measure so that the couple will live a long and happy life with lots of children.

INDIA: in parts of India the groom is required to take off his shoes before approaching the wedding altar. As soon as he does this mayhem ensues. Everyone from the bride's side of the family tries to steal them while everyone from the groom's side of the family tries to protect them. If the bride's family succeeds they are allowed to hold the shoes until a ransom is paid.

UKRAINE: perhaps already anticipating the possibility of a messy divorce in the future, extremely traditional Ukrainian couples take premature revenge on their matchmaker by burning an effigy of him or her at their ceremony.

GERMANY: wedding guests give the bride and groom new dishes and cookware as gifts... and then they smash them. Supposedly the noise scares away evil spirits.

SCOTLAND: planning the bachelorette party, giving sound advice and holding the train of your dress are all part of a bridesmaid's duties but in Scotland, the more dedicated your wedding party is, the more trash you'll be covered in. Before the wedding, brides are attacked and doused in [amongst other things] curdled milk, dead fish, spoiled food, tar and feathers and then taken out for a night of drinking. This centuries old tradition, called "blackening the bride" is to prepare the bride for any humiliation or problems she'll come across during her marriage.

AFRICA: some villages require an older woman to accompany the newlyweds into their bedroom on the night of their wedding in order to show the bride the ropes. Although this is usually a village elder, sometimes it can be the brides own mother.

MARQUESAS ISLANDS, TAHITI: it is tradition at the end of a wedding reception for the bride and groom to walk all over their friends and family. Basically, everyone lies down on the ground and the couple has to tread through to get to the door and be sent off on their honeymoon.

CONGO: in order for the marriage to be taken seriously the bride and groom are not allowed to smile throughout the entire ceremony. Probably not a good idea to hire Orsm as your MC then...

SOUTH AFRICA: hostility is apparently a family tradition. During the wedding ceremony, the groom's side and the bride's side chant insults back and forth at one another, each time getting more hurtful.

FRANCE: friends and family of the newlyweds congregate outside the newlywed's home on the first night of their marriage while proceeding to bang on pot and pans, yell, and just in general be as annoying as possible. Not only would this complicate the whole consummating the marriage thing, the newlyweds are also required to go outside and appease them with snacks and drinks!

TUJIA, CHINA: one month before their big day, brides must voluntarily cry for an hour each day. Her mother, grandmother, aunts and sisters join in on the cry fest. By the end of the month every female in the family is crying alongside the bride. It's supposed to be an expression of joy as the women weep in different tones

KOREA: friends of the groom remove his socks, tie a rope around his ankles and start beating his feet with fish in order to prepare him for his first night as a married man. There's probably a good reason for this...

INDIA: marrying a goat to stop ghosts from inciting a tiger to attack you may seem a bit retarded to most people but in India some believe that a girl born with a tooth that has already broken the gums is cursed and will encounter very bad luck. She can only ward off this bad omen by marrying an animal such as a dog or goat.

UNITED KINGDOM: although it's the done thing in the western world, to almost everyone else a white bridal dress is very strange. In most countries the bridal dress is very vibrant and full of colour. So why are western brides so limited in their options? It is said to have started with Queen Victoria in 1840 when she donned a white dress in her marriage to Prince Albert. In her day, this was very controversial because the colour white was associated with mourning.

MAURITANIA, NORTHWEST AFRICA: where it's believed in order for a man to flaunt his prominent status, he needs a fat wife. Stomach rolls, stretch marks and overlapping thighs are all indications that he is wealthy enough to keep his wife satisfied. In a ritual called Leblouh, girls from the ages of five to 15 are sent to 'fat farms' and force-fed thousands of calories in order for them to gain weight rapidly, thus preparing them to be declared fit for marriage. It's not all chocolate and deep fried deliciousness though - women are often beaten when they refuse food and many develop obesity-related health problems.

GUIZHOU PROVINCE, CHINA: for Gelao girls native to this area of China, being a virgin is bad. It is believed that the girl who gets married as virgin is a bad luck for the family and her future husband. That is why, to become less attractive to local guys, girls who are still virgins sometimes knock out one or two of their teeth.

MONGOLIA: in order to finalize the wedding date the bride and groom are required to kill a baby chick while holding the knife together. They then proceed to gut the chick and inspect its liver. If the liver looks good then they are allowed to set a date. If not, they have to keep kills baby chicks until they find a satisfactory liver.

JAVA: as in most countries prior to the registration of marriage the couple must pay a fee. But it isn't money - its rat tails! 25 of them to be exact and the couple must submit them to local administrators as a wedding fee.

INDIA: women born as Mangliks (an astrological combination when Mars and Saturn are both under the 7th house) are thought to be cursed and likely to cause their husband an early death. In order to ward of this curse they must be married first... to a tree. The tree is then destroyed and the curse is broken.

KOREA: Koreans believe that if the groom is smiling a lot at the wedding his first child is going to be a daughter. After the wedding, the groom's parents throw some nuts and plums to the bride. If the bride takes some nuts she'll get many sons.

FIJI: not only are men expected to ask their father in law for his daughters hand in marriage, they are also expected to bring him a whale tooth.

INDIA: whereas most jewellery exchanged at weddings involves placing rings on fingers, Hindu brides traditionally wear their wedding rings on their feet. The ring is usually silver and placed on a woman's left foot on her great toe, the one next to the big toe. These rings are only worn by married women.

SUDAN: people of the Neur tribe believe that the marriage is not complete until the woman has had two children. If she fails to do so, the groom is able to seek a divorce.

KENYA: it is not uncommon to see the bride's father bless his daughter by spitting on her head and breasts before she leaves the village with her new husband.

SWEDEN: whenever either the bride or groom leaves their table to use the bathroom the other gets kissed... a lot. If the groom has to go then every male in the reception will get a chance to kiss the bride and vice versa.

FRANCE: after the wedding ceremony is complete, the friends of the bride and groom would collect all of the leftovers, bits of trash and anything else they deem to be sufficiently gross within a toilet bowl which they would then force the bride and groom to drink out of. Although these days the trash is often substituted with chocolate, you're still drinking brown stuff out of a real live toilet bowl.

IRELAND: when the bride and groom are dancing the bride's feet have to stay on the floor. The Irish believe that if they don't, evil fairies will come and sweep her away. Apparently evil fairies like beautiful things so the bride is at real risk but luckily fairies can only get to her if she is not touching the ground.

IRELAND: in the counties of Leitrim and Mayo there are 9 young men that are collectively designated 'straw boys'. On the wedding eve, strawboys go to the house of the bride and dance with her. If there are any other women in the home they dance with them too.

CHINA: Yugur people (an ethnic Chinese minority) will actually shoot his bride with a bow and arrow before the wedding... three times. Obviously the arrows don't have arrowheads so its more like getting hit with rubber bullets. Once the deed is done, the groom will collect the arrows and break them, thus ensuring that they will love each other forever.

ADMIT IT - YOU LOVE CHUBBIES
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Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?" Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees". Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?" "Aye 'tis... now hand me dat shovel!"

TASTY TEEN: TIFFANY STAR
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On his way to a convention in Vegas, a penguin is having problems with his car. It's so hot he has had the AC cranked the whole time and now the car was starting to sound funny. Pulling over into a small town he finds "Bear Auto Repair" and tries to get it fixed.

The mechanic, a polar bear, says "kind of busy right now, I'll check it awhile". The penguin decided to wander around while waiting for the car to be looked at. Outside for a bit, he really started to get warm in the sun and proceeded to find a store with something cold to eat to help cool down.

At the cooler he pulled out some frozen snacks in packages to devour. But he couldn't open the packages very well with his flippers and dropped them over and over. Looking around for help, he noticed no one close to him but did spy several large tubs of ice cream in the cooler. Quickly he jumps in and eats his fill. On his way out of the store he said sorry for any mess and happily paid for more than he might have eaten.

Back at the garage now, he waddles to his car where the bear is still under the car. Unsure if the bear knows he is there, he clears his throat and asks "So, what do you think?" The bear looks out from under the car briefly and says "Oh, looks like you've blown a seal". The penguin remarks back "Oh no, it's just ice cream".

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You're always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable".

George Burns said "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it".

Oprah said "I understand you still do the sex thing... even at your age". George said "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it!" Oprah said "I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?"

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said "I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You sir, are a remarkable man!" George said "The second time is even better than the first time". Oprah asked "You can really do it again... at your age?" George said "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes".

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said "Oh Mr Burns, I'm astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age...  Oh my, oh my!"

George told her that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes".

Oprah asked "Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries? George replied "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet".

PASSED OUT GIRLS
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 15. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember!" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have been released today".

URBAN ART
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ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'"Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Haven't had the flu all winter!"

QUICK! GET ERIN A CHEESEBURGER!
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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. I just turned 'sixty-ish'.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh no" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" "I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No I don't" I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have a lots of sex?" "No" I said. He looked at me and said "Then, why do you give a fuck?"

RANDOM SHITE

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

WHEN CRACK WHORES GET FAKE BOOBS...
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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large]. The word condom won't even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her. She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner".

ORSM VIDEO


Well there ya go. Update #2 for 2013 officially done and dusted. Only 48 more until next Christmas holidays. Fuck me. It's WAY worse when I think about it that way.

-Check out the site archives. They're fantastic and, some say, can grant magical powers.
-Next update will be next Thursday. If you don't know this by now I may be wasting my text.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will set your state on fire.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep doing what you're doing. I don't give a FUCK. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2013.01.03-20.41
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Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net.

I'd been psyching myself up for the last two weeks. Was doing pretty well, came up with some incredibly valid arguments supporting the outcome I wanted and had oh-so-very-nearly agreed in my own brain that there would be no update this week, that I could milk an extra few days without anyone noticing. Lucky for you guys the heat wave which started Christmas Day finally ended and the lure of hitting the beach and roasting my skin to a crisp yet again whilst observing the many, many bikini-clad hotties dried up. I have decided however to forgo the lengthy blog which has no doubt turned more than a few new visitors to these parts over the years away and save it for next Thursday. In the meantime I've gone fucking bananas with the Reader Mail section. Everything that wasn't posted over the past year is now up, there's a fuckload of new videos and enough image galleries and RS to keep everyone amused for quite a while so without congratulating little old me too much, what you'll find below is a SICK update that's about to consume ALL of your spare time. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

BONUS COOLNESS: Nasty Sniper - Impressive Boobs - Big Fuck Up - She's Still Hot - I'm Broken - Totally Useless

Electric Boogaloo - Prune Brothers? - Model Tits - Ooops Prolapse - Slutty Defined - 40lb Titties - Parenting Fails

Crazy Wife - Epic 3some - Comic-Con Lulz - Faces Of Meth - Spasticated - Lucy Pinder - BJ Revenge - Bad Bitch

Silly Man - Hawt Nerd - Srsly Sxy - Attention Whore - Hygiene Fail - Holes Filled - Jizz Her Face - Peeping Tom

Anal sex is a lot like my first car... I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
--
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied "Well Mrs Smith, you can't say you weren't warned".
--
Had a game of golf with the wife at the weekend and ended up shanking my tee shot and driving my ball up the wife's arse. Took her to the doctor's and he said "Fuck me that's up a fairway!"
--
I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much, until I found out she was faking them.
--
Me, my family and my friends along with hundreds of other people were at a 9/11 memorial service.
I was approached by a man, head of the fire department and he asked me who I was paying tribute to. "My father" I replied "He was on the plane that crashed into the World Trade Center". "Oh son, I'm so sorry for your loss" he said in a sympathetic tone. I carried on "He phoned me before he crashed to say goodbye, those last few words he said, they ring through my mind every day". "Oh my, what were they if you don't mind me asking?" "ALLAHU AKBAR"
--
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

ORSM VIDEO

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?" "Fine thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago" he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

Yes, I live over in Cape Coral" he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied "How did you know my name was Katz?"

IT'S SUMMER AND SOME BEACH BOOBS ARE IN ORDER
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The manager says "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas".

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did".

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.64". The boss says "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer".

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said 'Well, your weekends fucked, you might as well go fishing'".

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He wanted to major in medicine.

A week later he returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his father. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get accepted" the boy replied. "Well in that case I better take that exam myself" the father said. So off to the university he went.

A week later the father returned from his trip looking very down in the dumps.

"How was the exam?" asked his son. "They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about first aid and I got them all wrong but one". "Gee, Dad. Which question was that?" "The question was..." started the father "what do you do when you come across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?" "That's easy" the son replied. "The answer is pulse". "Oh hell" said the father "I got that one wrong as well then!"

ARIEL ROSE FUCK YEAH!!
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READER MAIL
I will now take this opportunity to clear the gigantic backlog of unposted reader mail. Everything you will find below these words are all the submissions I couldn't make space for during 2012's updates. Keep in mind some of them are well out of date but there is still some extreme quality contained within so go forth and enjoy. Check it...

Ed27th wrote:
Subject: I dearly love Oreos, but this is a no-brainer!
Life is filled with hard decisions, and they begin early.
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click to enlarge click to enlarge

Gene wrote:
Subject: New out from Nike
Do you Know why Nike designed this model? To avoid this:

Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Winner: Wet T-shirt Contest WINNER: WET T-SHIRT CONTEST. And you were expecting...?! From me...?
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That Guy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Love the site. Attached is a picture of a skank that I haven't even met once and still felt compelled to send me a pic of her tatas. Hopefully more will be on the way! I hope you enjoy.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hey orsm?
I use to ask my girl if she wanted a 3 some..but really. She would get mad then I showed her the can. LOL do what you will. Hold details Thanks
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Couple pics from Japan
Hey, Long time viewer here. Here are a couple pics from Japan you might get a kick out of. First is of a totally smashed Japanese business man on the train. He started off sitting upright, but migrated to this position here. Second is a sign for an Authorized Service Shop....love the acronym. As usual, don't show my contact info. Thanks
joe wrote:
Subject: And I thought she had three kids
And I thought she had three kids
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: Don't make this guy mad in traffic
Mr. Orsm, Here's probably what the guy says," I will use the HOV lane if I damned well feel like it!"
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Jd wrote:
Subject: HOW TO SPEAK WOMANESE
Mmmm, I've been listening wrong. At last....someone in this world has done some very valid and very valuable research on the human condition!?

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: CNN
As has become the norm, poor advertisement placement. In a story about Penn State's Sardusky, a testosterone advertisement. As always, please do not disclose name, etc...

 

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Bill wrote:
Subject: are you racist?
This test is 100% accurate. Do you like him any better white? No ? Me neither. See, you're not a racist.
click to enlarge
Arno wrote:
Subject: Frisbee snake
Hi Orsm. Great fan of your work. Thought you would like this for your collection of Random shite or Reader mail. In South Africa we teach the puff adders to play with a frisbee. Cheers
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: arbys poster
WHile at arbys in Huber Heights Ohio we noticed this sign hanging in lobby. SO refer to the vajayjay as a wooo hoooo thought you would like this. please hide my info and thank you for years of enjoyment LOVE YOUR SITE!!!!
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joe wrote:
Subject: Flame
Mick and i having a beer during the 2010 MotoGP
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Mike wrote:
Subject: SA's version of Google Earth
Googlelethu (**South Africa)
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terry wrote:
Subject: Dating
Dating in California vs Dating in a Muslim country......
<with held> wrote:
Subject: And this gets published?
Orsm - I hope that somewhere, somehow, an editor is being fired for incompetence. And they wonder why people think it's a dying industry. Cheers -Withhold the email address please...and enjoy your summer
click to enlarge

Supaduck wrote:
Subject: A HEALING FOR BURNS - PLEASE READ
dunno if theres any truth in it or not but it could be worth a go i mean what has one to lose a few eggs or maybe rather scard after a bad burn

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Big gun?
This young lady (attached) is listed on a Russian dating site where she declares one of her hobbies to be hunting. OK, no prob with that, but WTF's that weapon she's holding? It's a bit bigger than the side-by-side 12-bore that we use in UK for shooting birds! Please hide etc etc
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Gordon wrote:
Subject: BEST Bumper Sticker
You never know from where WISDOM springs... May this one take off and spread like wildfire !! Spoken like a true Patriot....Patrick Henry couldn't have done better !!!
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psycheman wrote:
Subject: wasp nest and movie
Mr. Orsm, Discovered this on my garage door this morning, perhaps one of your fans can identify it for me. Cheers!
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Micah wrote:
Subject: my new front yard sign
Hope you all like my ish.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: more facebook goodness
1st pic. is a screen cap of my convo with a  guy who had some pics on his profile that he did not turn to appear normal. this is a pet peeve of mine, so i messed with him and he played along like he was reading a script. 2nd pic is a screen cap of my last comment in an online photography forum (bunch of snobs), anyhow the debate got nasty and went to name calling and i just had to "stick it to them" with this post.
Mike wrote:
Subject: Internet Pirate
Sweet picture. See attached.
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SB wrote:
Subject: McDonalds new customer service pledge
Bet your ass I'm Lovin It.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Air Show Disaster
Amazing photo shows great detail. Not for the faint hearted.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
Probably scared the shit out of them.

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xitz wrote:
Subject: shootin cart
The West Texas Farmer below had a feral-pig  problem. Wild hogs will ruin a farm! The word "Had" is the key here! How do you get this many pigs? Kinda makes the .22 seem like a waste of time...........
Kieth wrote:
Subject: In appropriate advert
Saw this in the local papers online section, thought you might use it.
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Tom wrote:
Subject: We need this!!
An awesome Canadian product!!
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Steve Bonehard wrote:
Subject: Kim Kardashian plays Draw Something
Kim's all time favorite Mouth Rinse!
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Steve Bonehard wrote:
Subject: "Words With Bitches"
A screenshot of Kim and Snooki enjoying a little game on Facebook!

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Paul wrote:
Subject: Audi ad crashes into news piece about car accident.
Hi Orsm, came across this news piece after logging out of hotmail. Thought the advertising was a little odd, heheh. Thank goodness for screen capture and paint. Regards
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JD wrong:
Subject: Baywatch - Kaap styl
Thanks Rod, you've scarred me now. So, I'm passing it on, as I ain't gonna be the only one.

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Mark wrote:
Subject: Contribution and Question
Mr. Orsm, You have an excellent web site!! Here is a photo for your website. This is actually, a convenience store and gas station in Stillwater, Oklahoma, USA.
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Bp oil spill gulf mexico
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Sifar wrote:
Subject: A screenshot of Ebay India...
Dear ORSM, am a long long long time fan of your site.. I was on the Ebay.in main page, and as i scrolled towards the 'bottom' of the page i couldn't help LOLing on what i saw at the left end of the page.. the "ANALOUG" ..has been cut short to.. Thanks for the amazing weekly read and fun for so many yrs. Indian contribution from Sifar ;).
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Killing it
This guy has been banging the garbage for the last 2 weeks or so in Bangkok.. he is absolutely killing it, with money falling out of the bag after a couple of hours.. and he is bloody sensational. Appearing outside the Museum of Art next to MBK shopping. Total investment about 10 cents for the gloves.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: craigslist hottie
Mr ORSM, long time reader and first time contributor. I met this lil hottie on craigslist. Man what a ride that night was. Please hide the details.
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Steve Bonehard wrote:
Subject: Kim
Kim Kardashians Dating Spreadsheet
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xitz wrote:
Subject: politically correct
Isn't it strange.... After Julia Gillard outlaid $350,000 (of who's money?) Craig Thomson suddenly remembered he was not there AND the prostitute now says it was a case of mistaken identity ????
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J. Morton wrote:
Subject: Feed the hung
Now we have to feed these bastards...
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Ed27th wrote:
Subject: I am scarred.....
Warning: If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, seek medical attention, or, click on the link below:
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Flying dawgs
OMG Flying dogs....
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Mitch wrote:
Subject: Random
Do what you will Mr Tripod. This must make your site
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Bill wrote:
Subject: rebuttal to Obama
Good answer to "you didn't build that!" The business is in Savannah, GA.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Thought I'd share this doozy that I dropped!
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Cost of living
And salary has increased by about 30% over the same period, unless of course you are BEE. Regards

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Rather funny
Saw this on a friend's Facebook page and had to laugh. Enjoy, and please hide details.
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Jeff wrote:
Subject: Pic from facebook
Orsm - Just found this pic on my friend's facebook wall; thought you'd enjoy it. Keep up the great work and as always, keep my email address private.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Life Imitating Art
I recently had a few sliders at White Castle. Glancing at the bottom of the burger box it reminded me of this old Far Side comic from 1993. Gary Larson was a visionary genius!!! Hide the deets and all that fun stuff.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ad Placement
Young ORSM, I was looking for info on this VTOL aircraft and saw that someone clearly doesn't have much confidence in it. I bet the manufacturer was happy with that. Love the site - fan since 2001!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stuff for your site....
Saw this edit of Obama "Conspiracy Theories" on Wikipedia - it was up very breifly. Will be interesting to see what he has to say about the latest info on his Kenyan birth...
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Andreas wrote:
Subject: Serial number plat
Hey dudes, found this german restration plate on a car near waldshut...
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random shite
Love your site for years, and so now i saved your email address so that I can email u some goodies. Withhold my info please. Here is some redneck parked by Case Lupe in Gridley, Ca.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: PARKING TICKET!
I could use a few of these. Go ahead, print as many as you want, as I'm sure you have met a few too.
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josh wrote:
Subject: big, wheely bunny?
Love your site. Thought I would share. Note the plates . . .
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Great deal! In local college town ad
What a good price on Vaseline Lotion! They even give you a picture to get started.
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Illiteracy at Eskom
Ya well, no fine. This is an actual sign with instructions for electricians to follow in case of a power failure at the Marikana sub-station. Now we know why sub-stations blow up!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: uninstalling Gillard
Heya buddy, Saw this and thought of you straight away!! Cheers
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Ross wrote:
Subject: The Float
"Dad can I take your float to the swimming pool?" "Which float son?" "The one that's in your bedroom Dad." "I can't remember having a float son but no problem. Take whatever you want to the swimming pool and just leave your old dad in peace." "Great Dad, thanks very much!"
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T wrote:
Subject: Funny Island
The island of Reunion, owned by the French, 200 km East of Madagascar. Note circled town name. Funny, in a French sort of way.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Photo
seen in Fremantle Gucci district... love the comment on the sticker.. Please hide details. Cheers
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Motherland
This one would be lost on anyone except someone who has lived in South Africa !! You know you're flying SAA when you ask the air hostess for the black pepper and she brings you: THE SOWETAN.....
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Tim wrote:
Subject: Better Beholder pinata
A friend made this for his Halloween party. They bashed me with it while I was on the ground.
Jay wrote:
Subject: There are no ugly women-----just fixer uppers!!
Look carefully, they're in the same order. Their makeover pictures are below their regular pictures. It's just amazing what money can do. This photo below was taken at a competition involving 9 women for best makeover. They had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of 12 hours before the contest. Look at the before and after photos. Conclusion - there are no ugly women, only poor women. The woman 2nd from the left won the contest. Beer has the same effect....
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Proof
Proof they actually exist
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Marketing in Brazil
If you are in marketing or an art major, you will appreciate this. If you are anything else, you will still appreciate this. "DID YOU SEE ANY BEDS?" "How many were single and how many were double?
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Kel wrote:
Subject: new toilet paper
For Those Who Take Longer in the John...

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Jd wrote:
Subject: 230mph Mercedes coupé revealed
The dark and brooding beast you see before you is a new 230mph sports car developed by the renowned German touring company, Brabus. It's making its world debut at the Geneva Motor Show this week and you can buy it for the equivalent of about £430,000. Named the E V12 Coupé, the two-door car may share its profile with the standard Mercedes-Benz E-Class Coupé, but little else. Its name hints at the monstrous V12 engine under the bonnet. Brabus has taken the 5.5-litre V12 engine usually found in the Mercedes S 600 and enlarged it to a 6.3-litre (oh baby) capacity. A twin turbo charging system specially developed for the car helps the engine produce a staggering 788bhp. (Im dead and gone to heaven). However, it's the massive torque figure of 1,047lb.ft (IM CRYING)that helps the E V12 Coupé accelerate from 0-62mph in only 3.7 seconds. Unfettered, the Brabus will exceed 230mph, though the company has 'sensibly' fitted a limiter to stop play at 217mph for use on the public road... Despite the otherworldly performance on tap, the E V12 Coupé is even more luxurious than the standard E-Class Coupé. The interior is swathed in bespoke leather and carbon fibre features prominently. The lightweight material is also used extensively on the exterior of the car. A bespoke body kit is complemented by a large rear wing and wide, 19-inch alloys. Reassuringly massive brakes nestle behind the rims. A final distinguishing touch is a set of LED lights running underneath the side sills, which illuminate the ground under the car. LEDs are also used in the front bumper. Brabus sells its own mad versions of most Mercedes-Benz models. The E V12 is available as a four-door saloon too.

Bill wrote:
Subject: Greatgrandfathers
Think our generation invented "Choppers???" I DON"T think so.......
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xitz wrote:
Subject: EXCELLENT OLD WEST PHOTOS
Great old photos. Enjoy.

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dj wrote:
Subject: ex wife
some pics of ex wife, since she is a slut the whole world should see her fat loose cunt.
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Cathloser wrote:
Subject: New Fixed Speed Camera - FYI
Travelling southbound on the Freeway? Beware of the newly installed Fixed Speed Camera disguised as an electrical junction box. Similar to the one installed on the Freeway northbound close to Karrinyup Road. It is located soon after the South Terrace exit, close to the pedestrian's overpasses (between the first and the second).
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chris wrote:
Subject: Pictures for your gallery
Hello Orsm my favorite site, and early saturday morning read. Im in my 30s and feeling very confused as to why i am still single, is possible its do with the company i keep. check out my mates and let me know. Keep up the great work ORSM your a regular hero
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JD wrote:
Subject: Cute
Bull Mastiff adopts baby chimp. Regards

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Erotic Jewelry for Women
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Advertising at its best
Hate it when they tease our poor bank accounts like this. Regards

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xitz wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Awesome old automobiles
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Ross wrote:
Subject: Meet the Millers
Now, come on -I know you all have stuff buried in your back yards, like gold and silver, I mean, who hasn't?????!!!!!!!!!!! You have to read this to believe it!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dog Shaming Part Two
Hey Orsm, Enjoy
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Emailing
How to tell if you need to pray at work
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Second hand phone
Dont you just love it when you buy a second hand phone and find they haven't wiped it. I bought a phone off a bloke in Munich and found these photos on it.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Tightest ever!
Pleadeo hide the info. Here ya go!
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Obama's Cadillac: 20 things you didn't know
Power comes from a 6.5-litre diesel engine that's fitted with a supercharger to help haul this beast around. Yet despite this mammoth power plant, the top speed is only 60mph and it takes around 15 seconds to reach this. It is based on a GM truck chassis and weighs a staggering 6,350kg. To put that in context, the Rolls-Royce Phantom, one of the biggest cars on the road, weighs a paltry 2,550kg in comparison. This will be why the Obamobile only averages 8mpg.

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JD wrote:
Subject: US Super Cars Exhibition
If only we had the money to just splurge.
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Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: More Dogshaming..........
Its really funny! Love the baby humper!
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Jd wrote:
Subject: Church Renovated Into Home
At least your neighbors are quiet (for certain, they are deceased.) A couple purchased an old church in Kyloe, Northumberland, in PA. They invested a lot of money on the interior, but the exterior remained almost completely intact. They did more of a restoration, rather than a renovation. If they had not purchased the old church, who knows what would have happened to it, as it was in very bad shape. The couple however, adapted the interior, while leaving the outside unchanged. How cool is that?
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Dave wrote:
Subject: funny video submission
I got a video for you thats slowly starting to get noticed on the internet, a funny kid doing some ass dancing to that "shake ya ass" song.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dog gets on Pig
O, It has been a bit since my last submission. Short clip of my friends dog Teddy getting on a little stuffed pig. The funniest thing is that the do does this constantly. This is 10 seconds of an hour session. The sick part of it is that many unsuspecting visitors to his home innocently snatch this pig to cuddle with it, holding it up to their cheek saying "this is so cute" oblivious to the fact that Teddy spends a good part of every day depositing sperm loads on his little friend.

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louis wrote:
Subject: orsm vid comp
your a wonderful man. I love orsm
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Carsten wrote:
Subject: Mid-Air Repair - WHAT Happened to Workplace Health &Safety?
More Guts Than a Sausage Factory. What a girl she must have been. And no parachute. NUTS! Take a look at this film. Fabulous footage, although grainy due to time and bad equipment in those days compared to today, but what nerve this gal had. Gladys Ingles was a member of a barnstorming troupe called the 13 Black Cats in the 1920s. Ingles was a wing walker; in this film, she shows her fearlessness in classic barnstorming fashion to save an airplane that has lost one of its main wheels.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: so this girl keeps sending me stuff.
She sent this to me a few days ago. please hid the details!
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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out she barely said good morning let alone "Happy Birthday".

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... they'll remember. Soon enough my kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office my secretary Jane said "Good Morning, boss! And by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock when Jane knocked on my door and said "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday. What do you say we go out to lunch just you and me...?" I said "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal, and her company, tremendously.

On the way back to the office Jane said "You know it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office... do we...?" "Nahhh" I said "What do you have in mind?" She said "Let's drop by my apartment - it's just around the corner".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back". "Okay" I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And I just sat there... on the couch... naked.

ORSM VIDEO

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds "Pretty much the way you do". A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work" says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well" she replies "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem" he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well" she says "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow". "No problem" he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows thicker and thicker until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples re-join their partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it" says Maureen "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible" he replies. "All I got was a headache... she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

RANDOM SHITE

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We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!

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We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.

Anyhow, I had the vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbour's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!

I don't know what in hell was in the pills the vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

HAILEY PAIGE
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A woman sitting in an Adelaide pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Ken ya swaller?" asked Bluey. The woman signalled "No!" desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head "No!!"

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bottom.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it!"

ORSM VIDEO


-Check out the site archives. Check out the new Chicks & Stuff section too.
-Next update will be next Thursday. It will be good.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will liquid paper your finger nails like you were in the grade 9.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Happy Fucking New Year. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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