orsm.net
Orsm.net on Facebook Orsm.net on Instagram Orsm.net on Twitter
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
orsmsite
orsmstuff
orsmstuff
moreorsmness


Click for more awesomeness

July 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.07.30-19.12
Boobies

Welcome to booing at idiots.

I've taken the word 'busy' out of my vocabulary. After years of the being the default answer to any question asking how I am or what's been happening, I now realise it is completely fucking redundant. Why? Because I'm always fucking busy. It never changes and what's more, everyone else is busy and they don't give no fucks. Busy running around after your kids all day? I worked 100 hours this week. Busy trying to get a million chores done? I only had time to get a few hours' sleep last night. And so on. It carries no weight. It would actually be more interesting to say "nothing" or "sweet fuck all".

Moving on. It's been a busy week. Much has gone on since the last we spoke so let's run through it beginning with Friday. Mentioned last time that I built a storage thingy to, would you believe, store junk lying around the house. The junk, stuff like unpacked boxes from when we moved in to defunct baby clothes to a seriously unhealthy amount of Xmas decorations, seems to grow in size all by itself... and by that I mean the GF chucks shit on top when I'm not around. Eventually the car would have to be parked outside and presumably my office would start shrinking if something wasn't done. Anyway the storage is a reasonable size - say 6 or 7 cubic metres. Aaaand its now full. Turns out all those useless things that no one will ever need must be stored forever and ever and an entire day was wasted doing it. How long do you reckon it will be until more crap starts filling up the areas which were vacated? Yep... already trying to find somewhere to build another one...

Saturday kicked off hanging with family who flew in overnight. We managed to escape the house around midday to go smash lunch at the markets. Have been going there for years and they're about to be bulldozed to make way for a supermarket. It's stupid in so many ways. Last year I was in Melbourne. Traipsing around the food section of the Queen Vic markets a guy calls me over to his stall and says "You must be from Perth?" I say "How the fruck did you know that, mate?" He says "Because people from Perth come here and they can't believe it... now what can I get you?" He nailed it and with the death of yet another market here, it won't have been the last time he sees someone from my side of the country walking around in awe.

I try to avoid kid's birthday parties. They're a mechanism for consuming very bad, very delicious food whist making small talk with people you only occasionally see and probably don't care about. The buy-in is a $20-$50 gift and couple of hours you'd rather be doing something other than listening to little screaming shits. But when it's your own...

Let me be the first to admit there was far, far too much discussion about the who and the how. I've read some of the lengths crackpot parents go to for birthday parties. Hired entertainment to expensive party bags to extravagant food. It becomes more about going OTT and trying to outdo than enjoying. We kept it reasonably simple - got a big bunch of family and friends together in a park and fed them very bad, very delicious food whilst making small talk. And it was great - the weather was unbelievable, we got there early to spread out across the whole undercover area, had a bunch of people chip in to help get setup and the rest just took care of itself. I'm sure our 1-year-old will look back on it with fond memories...

A few hours later it was over. Packed up, cleaned up and carted 3-4 carloads of leftovers and whatever else home. And just as that was done, right when I thought I'd finally get to sit down, a bunch of friends who'd gotten the time wrong arrived at ours. Safe to say I was very happy to get to bed that night.

And that was about it... or the at least the abridged version of about it. Hopefully now you are ready for a monstrous update. I've gone all out to ensure that there will be satisfaction aplenty. Go see for yourself. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Awesome!!That Was Mighty Decent Of Them! - Shit Gets RealDuty Of Care: Protecting Children In War – Risk Your Life Playing This Ultra-Violent Real FPS Game - So BustedThis Woman Stole The Wrong Credit Card Number - It Bugs MeGuys Eats Dung Beetles And Mashed Potatoes To Prove A Point About Getting A Restful Night's Sleep - Nice SaveLifeguard Saves A Little Girl And It's All In A Days Work - Flying Wow'Where We're Going, We Don't Need Roads' — The Flying Car Science Fiction Promised Us Is Here - WankersHells Angels Douchebag Shatters This Guy's Car Window For No Discernible Reason - AnticsThe People's Elbow Is Back - It's What You Do To Jabronis! - PolyomiPuzzle Games Come And Go. Very Few Are Memorable Or Original Enough To Spark Some Kind Of Emotional Response. This Puzzle Game However Is Waiting To Blast You With It's Full Force. It Lulls You Into Believing It Isn't Much At All But Before You Know It, You're Going To Be Facing A Full Blown Blizzard Of Brain Bending Puzzleness. - OH MY!!Quick, Someone Wave A Towel In Front Of My Face Because I'm About To Pass Out From These New Photos Of Ashley And Her Amazing Tits!! She Should Be A Goddamn Greek Statue Her Body Is So Fine

InterrogationThey Will Interrogate You. You Only Have A Few Seconds To Answer Each Question That Is Thrust Towards You. Shoved Down Your Throat. Blasted Through The Neurons Of Your Mind. - IncredibleJennifer Lopez Wrapped In Interesting Dress Celebrating Her Birthday - Camel ToeKimberley Garner White Bikini Bottom Cameltoe - Who's Next!?Looks Like The Dude Here Screaming Nigga Is Not One To Fuck With. That Or These Punk Have The Weakest Jaws. He Put That One Dude Down 3 Times Before He Could Even Blink. - OMFG ButtShe Has One Of Those Asses That Just Don't Stop, Girl Puts On A Twerk Show That Will Never Be Forgotten - Beach BeejA Nice Day At The Beach Turned Into A Live Lesson On How To Drain A Dick Dry. This Horny Couple Doesn't Give One Fuck Who Watches. - GangbangedBrutal Ass Gangbang Of Ass Acrobat - Wish U Could?This Guy Seems To Have Super Powers. Must Be Nice To Have Such A Cum-Addicted Girlfriend Too! - Shocking EndMan Falls Into An Industrial Trash Compactor

BLOCnogThe Noggy Blocs Have A Very Important Job To Do Every Day. They Must Move Things From One Place To Another And Do It In A Puzzling Brain-Teaser Kind Of Way. There Is Just No Other Way! - I Want HIVA Scared Straight Look Into A Small Portion Of The Gay Community That Has Fetishized And Even Glamorized Hiv/Aids. - Nude ArrestTopless Florida Girl Getting Arrested - Walk Of ShameI Don't Know What She Did Or Who She Did. All I Know Is If She Still Feels Like Walking She Can Just March On Over To My Place. - EATTT IT!!!Scientists Discover That Sperm Is A Superfood. Now There's No Excuse, Girls!! - BBQ SlutsI Love Grilling Like The Next Guy. Throw In Some Cock Loving Sluts With Juicy Tits, And This Could Be The Next Hit Show On The Food Network. - Model FightTwo Big Ass Babes Throw Down At A Car Show - Nice Imbruglia'sNatalie Imbruglia Nip Slip While Sunbathing - Sexy CleavChloe Goodman Braless Pokies In Silk Blouse

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you". The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
--
How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the lightbulb and 11 to say "Aw he's so brave!"
--
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
--
A fellow who's just reached his 150th birthday was giving a press conference to the assembled media. "Excuse me, sir" one of the reporters said "but how did you come to live to 150?" "It's actually quite simple" the old feller replied. "I just never argue". "That's impossible" the reporter responded. "There must be something else, like diet, or meditation, or something. Just not arguing won't keep you alive for 150 years!" The old fellow stared hard at the reporter for several seconds.
"Hmmm" he finally shrugged "maybe you're right".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL

Alright time for round 2. Again we have a buttload of submissions sent my way throughout last year. All these emails, plus the last lot posted a few weeks back, plus the ones which will be posted in a couple of weeks, are a sample of the thousands which filled my inbox. Basically its all the stuff that was too good to chuck away but please bear in mind some of them may be out of date or context or whatever - they're posted simply for you guys to enjoy it... if you aren't then just keep scrolling or leave an obnoxious comment somewhere complaining that it's all shit compared to how it used to be etc. You know the deal - I don't need to explain how to be cunts. Enjoy.

Morg wrote:
Subject: My awkward sex story
The middle of summer a few years back. After a fun night out, I decided to park beside a farmer's field and partake of what I knew was going to happen. My head hanging out the window of my old VW, my date was giving me a wonderful BJ and I was thinking how could this get any better. Right then, I felt the sensation of a huge wet tongue lick the entire side of my face. Who knew cows were that interested in someone else's extracurricular activities? Hilarious and no, I didn't cum. We were both laughing too hard. We never did park there again and I married her soon after. That episode's been on the "laugh roster" ever since. We're celebrating our 23rd anniversary this June. True story.

Roman wrote:
Subject: awkward sex story
Hey there! Here's my piece of experience from a few years ago: Went to spain, met some girls from Portugal there, long story short, one of them accompanied me to my hotel room. She said she had to hit the bathroom, she won't be long. When she came out, she was naked, threw me on the bed and hit it off. That was when I learned that some girls have a voice like a trained opera singer when they are properly motivated. I also learned one other thing - in some hotels the beds have wheels. With the head end pointing right to the room next to me. Yes, it was like "secret of my success" all over again. The next morning I went out to the balcony to enjoy the sunrise, only to meet my neighbours standig there. Both looked like hell. Later on, during breakfast they were asked if they slept well. Loud enough for the whole dining room to hear he answered: "SLEPT WELL? FUCK NO! THE GUY NEXT DOOR AND HIS GIRL RE-INVENTED THE FUCKING MORSE CODE LAST NIGHT!" As my bit of revenge (later on) I told them to buy something to help them sleep, since the girl from last night had 3 beautiful friends...

Terrible Father wrote:
Subject: Lies told by parents...You missed the best one...
Sir Orsm, Admittedly this wasn't my idea, I heard a comedian talking about it, (I forget which one) but it has worked an absolute treat for us. You know the movement sensors for your house alarm? That have a red light that comes on every time they sense movement? I told both my children they are special cameras that Santa uses to watch you, and that if the red light is on that means Santa is watching you...! Anytime the kids are doing something naughty, I just point out that the red light is on, “Santa's watching!!” and they stop whatever they were doing and just smile at the sensor, to the point sometimes where the sensor turns off again so I'm standing behind them waving to get the sensor light back on before they start being naughty again. We DID worry the one year that maybe we had taken it too far when I found my youngest (3 at the time), sat on a chair in the dining room in front of the sensor talking to “Santa” through the sensor and taking him through everything on her Christmas list and why she felt she deserved to have it.

C wrote:
Subject: Beards
I was watching QI last nite and one of the guests had a beard (Jack Whitehall), and the topic was discussed. He called it his "Clunge Sponge". have a good one...

Mike wrote:
Subject: The World of Counterfeit Drugs
Are you one of the millions who look to buy cheaper medications from online pharmacies? Chances are good that unless that online pharmacy is verified, you are not only getting ripped off, but you may also be putting your health at risk. Watch the entire investigative news report here.

Nigel wrote:
Subject: Europe vs Australia Map
Is the guy who sent in the piccy illustration got the small mans complex? He seems to have missed quite a big bit of Europe off just to say Australia is a bigger continent than it actually is. Ok you won the Ashes back after goodness knows how many years but that won't change the land mass.,,,,pmsl

Ross wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Imagine the look on Schapelle Corby's face when she goes through the self-serve checkout at Coles for the first time, and it says to her "Unexpected item in the bagging area".

GIRLS FROLICKING IN THE SURF

click for gallery

WHAT HE SAYS VERSUS WHAT HE MEANS

WHAT HE SAYS: I'm going fishing.
WHAT HE MEANS: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

WHAT HE SAYS: It's a guy thing.
WHAT HE MEANS: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

WHAT HE SAYS: Can I help with dinner?
WHAT HE MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table? Let's take your car. Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.

WHAT HE SAYS: Woman driver.
WHAT HE MEANS: Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.

WHAT HE SAYS: Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.
WHAT HE MEANS: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

WHAT HE SAYS: It would take too long to explain.
WHAT HE MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

WHAT HE SAYS: I'm getting more exercise lately.
WHAT HE MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

WHAT HE SAYS: You cook just like my mother used to.
WHAT HE MEANS: She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

WHAT HE SAYS: I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind.
WHAT HE MEANS: I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.

WHAT HE SAYS: Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.
WHAT HE MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

WHAT HE SAYS: That's interesting, dear.
WHAT HE MEANS: Are you still talking?

WHAT HE SAYS: Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.
WHAT HE MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

WHAT HE SAYS: You know how bad my memory is.
WHAT HE MEANS: I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

WHAT HE SAYS: Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.
WHAT HE MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

WHAT HE SAYS: I do help around the house.
WHAT HE MEANS: I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

WHAT HE SAYS: I can't find it.
WHAT HE MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.

WHAT HE SAYS: I hate to go shopping.
WHAT HE MEANS: I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

WHAT HE SAYS: No, I left plenty of gas in the car.
WHAT HE MEANS: You may actually get it to start.

WHAT HE SAYS: I missed you.
WHAT HE MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

WHAT HE SAYS: I don't need to read the instructions.
WHAT HE MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

WHAT HE SAYS: I broke up with her.
WHAT HE MEANS: She dumped me.

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Facey pic
Saw this on the stalk book last night, its a mates wife. Hide details, etc. Cheers!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: 08/01/14 ...
Corner Horrie Miller Drive/Tonkin Highway Perth - Airport upgrade ... safe driver award ... no details please

I didn't know women were allowed to drive trucks. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Kirum wrote:
Subject: Low Fliers Allowed
Hi ORSM, Interesting piece from Swaziland.
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: You'll laugh when you see it...
After six years, Google finally updated its satellite imagery of my first London flat. Worth the wait! Withhold deets please.

RR147HP wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Thought it was a skywriter but Wrong its a Passenger Jet

...on drugs. -Orsm

click to enlarge
carlson wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Tail pipe
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Knock off
My wife bought a dress on e-bay. It just came in the mail and I thought I would share a pic of the label that was on it. Probably made by under aged political prisoners. Hide my addy please.
click to enlarge
Anthony wrote:
Subject: Always do as you are told
THE WIFE TOLD HIM TO PUT THE PIE IN THE OVEN AT 120 DEGREES ..... TOOK SOME DOING - BUT HE FINALLY MANAGED IT!
click to enlarge
Grant wrote:
Subject: Finally i figured it all out
Sometimes the answer to understanding abstract art is staring right at you...
click to enlarge
Mike wrote:
Subject: The Advantage of a strong girlfriend...
The Advantage Of A Strong Girlfriend. Strong arms, big boobs and wide mouth will do the trick!
click to enlarge
martin wrote:
Subject: nice creatures of ozz no. 1
you have some nasty shit to live with..
click to enlarge
Grant wrote:
Subject: gay marriage
Just shit stirring again.....
click to enlarge
Barry wrote:
Subject: Check this out!!
I was just deleting inbox and came across this ad I received.. I may be strange but the irony appealed to me, but shit I wonder if our people booked from this ad.
click to enlarge
Steve wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Just in case you might want to put it up
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: cameltoe
Cairns MTB World Cup- Irina Kalentieva
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: a lovely clit photo from nairobi, kenya
Hi Mr. Orsm, Here is a gem from East Africa, Kenya. Please keep my details private. Thanks :-)
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Kirum wrote:
Subject: Women of WWE
Unfortunately, they're not wrestling!

Paige wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A Bathtub Full Of Yellow Water [more here]

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random shit
Looks like jims not happy with just mowing. No details pls
click to enlarge
Peter wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Stupidest answer ever just got some serious competition
click for gallery
Andrew wrote:
Subject: Med school textbook
I imagine some editor had a chuckle with this one.
click to enlarge
Todd I wrote:
Subject: Potential "Random Shite" picture
Came along this while driving home from work. It had just happen as the driver was putting out safety cones. He looked scared shitless! Keep up the great work. I thoroughly enjoy your site and have recommended it to many friends.
click to enlarge
Cleen wrote:
Subject: Emailing
HRH PREPARES TO WELCOME HOME THE ENGLISH CRICKETERS FROM OZ !!!
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ooooohhhhh ouch
G'day Bloke, Don't know anything about the picture but I would hazard a guess that it has NOT been photoshopped! BTW hide details as you normally do. PRETTY GRAPHIC...
click to enlarge
Justin wrote:
Subject: New South African Toilet Door Lock
New Toilet Door Lock. This one deserves an Oscar!
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Brian wrote:
Subject: job ad
QUALITY CONTROL JOB ON OFFER. JOB OF A LIFE TIME FOR WOMEN!!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Those People who take up 2 parking spaces
Those People who take up 2 parking spaces and those that get annoyed by them. We've all wanted to do this: NOW TELL THE TRUTH, HAVE YOU ?

click to enlarge
killa wrote:
Subject: Sweat tasting rice € 29,50 ?
I was wondering would that come from a women's or a man's pit. But then again would it make any difference. Cheers.
click to enlarge

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!

"The secret to great sex is this" the woman told her "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" "I'm going to try that tonight!" says Ethel.

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!!"

CUM ALL OVER

click for gallery

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO: THE THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS EDITION

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

jason wrote:
Subject: Opposite work
Hey mate. Anon please. This is what was outside our door at work the other day
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
bottle openers for sale (careful of the splinters )
click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Be the first to review Obama's new book!
click to enlarge
Barry wrote:
Subject: pool party
Mate rang up and said that he had a ton of hot females in his pool and to take my pick. Did I want to come over?
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Mike wrote:
Subject: RV'ing - Alberta Style . . .
I think this red neck has too much coin? This gives new meaning to the 'go anywhere' term. Awesome!
MJD wrote:
Subject: I thought you would enjoy this
Not quite psychic services. . . (taken by me in Seattle, Washington). Longtime fan. Love your site. Thank you for keeping it up and running for so damn long. I've been visiting weekly for over a decade now, I think. Probably since 2000 (wow, that's a long time).
click to enlarge
Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Apparently if you are a member of a group, wear a vest with patches on it and have Tattoos you partake in organised crime ........................... FOUND ONE !!!!!
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Idle thoughts
I've enjoyed your site for a long time, first time submission. Hope you like it. Please withhold details,and all that shit.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
What's your MP name?
click to enlarge

Paige wrote:
Subject: Room Service WTF
Someone in Food & Beverage has OCD [more here]

click to enlarge
Biodun Dada wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Enyoy!
click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: bet she'd make a GREAT caddie
Especially in cold weather...
click to enlarge
xitz wrote:
Subject: Sunday roast
A mate ordered his half chicken Sunday roast at his local and this was what he was served.....
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A seasonal favorite
click to enlarge
Hammy wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Our scrap yards are great!
click to enlarge
Kel wrote:
Subject: Emailing
IT HAS STARTED ALREADY .........
click to enlarge
Jack wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Craig Thomson Sex Licence
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: fail
picture taking fail
click to enlarge
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Go home Korea, you're drunk.
Just a random oddity in Korea. Please hide my email address.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
doing the rounds online
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: traffic light window washers
Here is the latest trick being used by those annoying window washers at traffic lights to try for that extra dollar...
click to enlarge
Craig wrote:
Subject: Something isn't quite right
See anything wrong with this pic?
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Please do not show my info
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Porn tip
Withhold name and details, please.

click to enlarge
Justin wrote:
Subject: OMG! Ironic, Psychic, Extraordinary?
AN OLD MALAYSIA AIRWAYS AD!
click to enlarge
Kel wrote:
Subject: MEN'S BRAINS JUST WORK DIFFERENTLY
A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help. "My dear, what can I do to help you?" She says: "Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them, and put them in the big pot with water.
click to enlarge
click to enlarge

xitz wrote:
Subject: Mind boggling.......
ANOTHER SHINING EXAMPLE OF THE HIGH I.Q. DISPLAYED WITH SOME OF OUR POLITICIANS (AND WE PAY THEIR PRINCELY SALARIES !!!) IT'S A WORRY!!!!! Penny Wong, (was) a Minister in the Australian Government. TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Penny Wong happened to appear. Ms Wong took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.' 'What sort of question?' asked Wong. Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'' Wong thought for a moment, (Read that line outloud with a lisp!) and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.' ......................and she represented us in Copenhagen too!

Urgh wrote:
Subject: Would you tell him or just watch what happens
This is not how you should transport your new bike :)
click to enlarge

chw01 wrote:
Subject: Better than your 1b random shite
Love your site... Here's a 100 trillion Zimbabwe bill I came across a couple yrs ago... had to buy one for everyone for xmas... cool shit for sure.

click to enlarge

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

click for gallery
Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: fingered
they've removed it now but too good not to share: Post it? Don't post it? There is a lesson, so Ill post. New years eve, we were diving in Jupiter on the deep ledge. I shot a small but legal Cobia. I pulled the line toward me to retrieve the fish. From nowhere, a Bull Shark charges over and grabs the fish. The line goes slack and wraps around my fingers just as the Bull sees me,he takes the fish and shaft and hauls ass. As soon as that dog hit the end of his leash, POP! My glove goes flying. I thought , "Damn he got my glove" and I reached for it. Thats when I noticed my fingertips were missing on my left hand. St Marys Hospital took me in and the hand surgeon fixed me up. They could not re attach the digits, so they cut the bone at the first joint and did a "flap over". Personally, I will be super careful to stay clear of the gear when spearfishing.
Psycheman wrote:
Subject: betty white pin ups
Mr. Orsm, Too bad your Betty White pic was censored. Here are some that are not.
click for gallery
xitz wrote:
Subject: 737 Run Up
You do not run a jet engine on paving!!!
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A Picture tells a thousand Words!
click for gallery
Gene wrote:
Subject: DID YOU KNOW..........................
I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names suchá as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for oldá people are called "Depends". Well here is the lowá down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper'em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will. Glad we got that straightened out so you can rest your mind. And now you know, don't you feel smarter..?
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Sunbject: Lamborghini DESTROYED
Unbelievably no one was seriously injured in this accident, but the result of a Lambo vs bus accident definitely hurt to look at. The crash happened when the Lamborghini collided with a passing bus. The driver said he swerved onto the wrong side of the road trying to avoid a motorbike.
click for gallery

Justin wrote:
Subject: Is this any way to bring up children?
THE WORLD IS SO CONCERNED ABOUT PALESTINIAN KIDS. These are the images they DON'T show: Please help to show these pictures to the world.

click for gallery
Brian wrote:
Subject: Things That Irritate Some of Us
More pet peeves
click for gallery
Craig wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Just some photos of me for the ORSM site. Thanks Craig
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Success
How true is this. Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift. Don't believe us?

click for gallery
Alex wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Truck
click for gallery
Pisc wrote:
Subject: Very cute baby stuff
These are actually quite funny :-)
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Back Then
From a 1950's High School Dance to picking up the mail in the early 1900s.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Where have all the woodies gone?
Where have all the woodies gone? Nick Alexander owns all of them. They are to be sold at a special auction at Pebble Beach. Nick is selling out to focus more on his ranches and horses. He is a BMW dealer in Los Angeles and has been actively working on his collection for nearly 12 years. Can you imagine the dollar value of these oldies.
click for gallery

D'Anna wrote:
Subject: Some random shots
If you do like any feel free to use just cant have my name public for the time being. To bad cant make money off sending pics if they are good lmao. Your stories and photos are great you find or get. I got the advertisement on newbienudes.com since I am on there as thegirlnextdoor1 hope u enjoy some random pics :) I cant use my actual camera bc my laptop died :( best I could do with a cell if u want to see more just look me up on the site 16 pics up I beleive ;) thanks for your time.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics to share
Here are some pics of my ex please withhold info
click for gallery
click for gallery click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: THIS JUST HAPPENED TO MY FRIEND
So I just had to send something in his honor in the sake of revenge. Please hide the details I will link a drop box vid for your pleasure.

I am just going to say that this weekend was the worst weekend ever. I am blocking people to see this statues because I don't want them to worry...

My ex gf called the cops on me. Yeah not for doing anything illegal... For being supposedly suicidal... I almost refused to go to the hospital... If I refused, I would of been put in handcuffs and a psyche ward. So then I went to the E.R. Via ambulance. They wanted to charge me for the force visit so... I had to use a fake name and a fake address...

So I waited for 4 hours for a psychologist to see me. I then went for an hour answering psych tests. She then asked me what happened. Told her about Amanda Brown aka Aaron Cox on Facebook about how she was bipolar and punched me in the face because of my hatred of doors being closed. So she gave me a card for her and a number to call.

Got out of the E.R. called my ex asked her why the fuck she do that. She said " You didn't answer your phone."... I was like WTF... She then proceeded to say to me that "I don't want to live there anymore.". I just can't" I hung up...I didn't want to deal with this at that moment

So I decided to call the cops and press charges about her punching me in the face. She then called when the cops where over and then she then told the cops on speakerphone. "I just wanted to break up with him, so I called the cops." WTF seriously.. She then said that she lived here. When I pay the rent and her name wasn't on the lease.

The cops is a close friend of Dave and said to her. LOL no you don't I know this street. This is my beat lol. And she stuttered and asked when can she get her shit. So she had to bring a cop over. And get her shit.

THIS JUST HAPPENED. SO me and my awesome room mates put her shit in bags and left outside.Had to call the cops on my now soon to be ex room mate because he wouldn't stop talking to my ex because we are all involved in my investigation. He flipped out and started tapping my chest I was like I am calling the cops for a simple assault.

He then lied to the fucking cops saying that I went into the room and pushed him for no reason. I was like I never touched you. Why would I call the cops if I wanted to get arrested. I am moving out tomorrow anyone wants to help. Please let me know... I am just done with the fucking DRAMA... Moving to MASS IDK Just done with the drama... Another SIDE NOT he is 45 year old GOLLUM LOOKING TRANNY thinking he has a chance with a 18

<with held> wrote:
Subject: girlfriend updated
I have sent you pics of my girl before, here are the original pics along with some new ones. Please only use the sentence in quotations and withhold my details. Thanks, "She still loves using here mouth as a cum dumpster."
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Nice RV
Nice road trip vehicle is what I'm thinking. Betcha can fit a casket in underneath this bad boy. MagPul's “Mbus Pro” is built upon a 1952 Flexible Sightseer Bus, with a few added improvements, of course. With the help of Timeless Travel Trailers, the “Mbus Pro” sports a slew of guns, a well-stocked wet bar and, of course, lavish mahogany trim. The cigar aficionados need not sweat it, because it also comes stocked with a built-in humidor. There's just nothing worse than a dry stogy.
click for gallery

Justin wrote:
Subject: Largest Salt Flat
Some of the pictures at the end are especially cool. The Salar de Uyuni is the world's largest salt flat at 10,582 square kilometers (4,086 sq mi) and a major tourist destination in Bolivia, devoid of wildlife or vegetation but home to an estimated 10-billion tons of salt.

click for gallery
Bill wrote:
Subject: XXX Gilligan's Island...
I found the long lost episodes. In memory of Russell Johnson the Professor... Enjoy
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cars Found After 50 Years
Better Than French Wine. 60 Vintage Cars Found After 50 Years Of Neglect On French Farm Are Worth At Least £12 Million
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Here is the MV Fedra accident from 2008. Long time ago however still cool if you have never seen before. The ship ran aground in gale force winds. The rest is history.
click for gallery
Brian wrote:
Subject: Things Your Kids Will Never Understand
I don't miss the Yellow Pages......
click for gallery

K wrote:
Subject: How Babies are Made.
Dear Mr Orsm, As you are now going through this cycle, show your Darling how it should be done !!!! Cheers. Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees. During his wife Sandras pregnancy, the artist created this hilarious explanatory photo series titled “How to Make a Baby”.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: get a kayak
Thanks to the technology of 3D printing you can now get a kayak that's an exact replica of your vagina.
click for gallery
Mike wrote:
Subject: Frozen Lake Erie
I haven't heard the words "global warming" for a few months. photo's from a family friend. Went down to the lake by the palmwood and took couple pictures of the ice caves caused by the ice crush. Can't remember seeing the lake frozen over like this in many years.
click for gallery
Brian wrote:
Subject: If you use a caravan you should see this...
The evolution of the camping car!!
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Informative Pie Charts
Finally, some charts that make sense! Purported to be about 100% correct.
click for gallery
Jeffrey wrote:
Subject: An ex
Love the site, been coming here for years - it's the only thing that makes Thursday worth it. Please hide my details, I have a bunch more if you're interested, she was a monster in the sack. Let me know if you like them
click for gallery

Justin wrote:
Subject: Super Materials: The Future is Here
These are 7 of the most fascinating and powerful materials science has come up with in recent years.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: DERAILMENT Q19851-24 TELKWA SUB
Amazing photos of train-truck crash here in Northern BC. From locomotive's automatic camera. WOW!!
click for gallery

Vern works hard at the phone company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says "Hey Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no" says Vern. "He's in my bowling league".

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey".

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says "Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

RANDOM SHITE

click for gallery
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

<with held> wrote:
Subject: good stuff
I found this on a memory chip while dumpster diving. Enjoy! Hide my details please.
click to watch video

jimbo Jim wrote:
Subject: Drunk guy fell asleep
Check out this video of some idiot whose friends wrote on him after he passed out drunk!! Let me know if you posted it on your website. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!

click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Verbal Abuse
Orsm, My mother in law. Keep my details private, thanks.
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wifes meaty flange
Hi ORSM, Great site, keep up the good work. I have noticed you have a major shortage of vids and pics of BIG cunt flaps. As a connoisseur of large labia I thought I would start things off. Please enjoy and share my sexy ladies meat curtains. Have been swinging for years now and ALL the guys are amazed and love her beefy lips. If any of your readers want to make ANY comments we would love to hear from them on. I have heaps of pics and vids if ANYONE wants to see them.

click to watch video
Ian wrote:
Subject: why you should have a car camera.
Thank-you for a great site,always look forward to seeing your vids,just brought a new car and car camera, just in case some arsehole runs into me. Keep the good work up
click to watch video

Neil wrote:
Subject: Scottish imperial masters
Due to the 'better together in the UK's pre election agenda going tits up and the 'yes' for independance side taking a lead, the English based better together decided it would be a good idea to send 50 English labour MP's up to Scotland to tell us to get back in our box. The following is funny and 10/10 to the guy'

click to watch video
Brad wrote:
Subject: Just for you
Happy New Year
click to watch video
Barry wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Hunting bush pig. Cheers
click to watch video

UP THE DUFF

click for gallery

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded 'yes'.

"So" the coach continued "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

"GOOD" said the coach... "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!"

ORSM VIDEO


It would seem my work here is done and I'm outta here but there is more. Way more. Read:

-Check out the site archives. They're so big I can't help but fat shame them.
-Next update will be next Thursday. August already!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will fingerbang you with a Freddy Krueger glove.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time stay off the chems and be good. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.07.23-19.53
Boobies

Welcome to heavens to murgatroyd.

Fuck me. You'd think that surfer who avoided being eaten by the shark did something important. Obviously coming so close to death was a traumatic event for the surfer, everyone else in the water, people on the beach and his loved ones. That said, I'm not entirely sure the encounter needed the in-depth coverage it received. The clip is fucking everywhere which is expected but days of interviewing everyone from surfers to sponsors to his mum who wanted to 'reach in through the TV and grab him' to speculation about a 'dark shadow' in the water to god knows who or what else was just too much. It really adds nothing. Why no interview with the shark? Surely a firsthand account about a guy shitting through his wetsuit would have made entertaining TV? Google has 8.7M results for Mick Fanning shark. But did anyone reporting realise that no one got attacked? It's an awful lot of attention for something that didn't happen. What did happen was: a shark swam past a dude and got punched.

And other things...

In a perfect world I would leave the house a lot more. Most weeks, Monday through Thursday it doesn't really happen - stay sat in front of the computer, eat, sleep. Friday varies but normally at least an hour or two jaunt for food gathering. Weekends sporadically as required or whatever. It generally works as: balance no, compromise yes.

The last few weekends though have been closer to imperfect world thanks to an all-consuming DIY project. As often happens, what begins as a small idea which could have been executed inside a day or so, became bigger than itself and blew out to 3-4 weekends. Sawing, cutting, painting, up and down the ladder and finally the little fucker was done. We now have a bunch of much needed storage. Not extra storage, just storage. The best part of it was something that pretty much never happens - it's 100% complete. How many times do you start a project, get most of the way through, knock off for the day and then not come back to it? It then forever exists in a functional yet unfinished state which you just live with. Anyway that was most of my weekend. The only times I escaped the house were for a couple of hardware store visits and then on Sunday for a quick bite to eat with the fam.

Speaking of the fam. It's now been a year since becoming one and whilst that has flown by at an alarmingly rapid rate and we have a very active bundle of joy to keep us amused, one of the most surprising things happened on her birthday. How do you wish a one year old happy birthday? You call/text/Facebook the mum. Don't worry about the dad! For the one phone call I got, mum got over 50. Hey assholes just because I don't have titties doesn't mean I haven't changed my fair share of shitty nappies.

Alright. Let's do dis. As you proceed try to understand that this is a revolution of the mind. Not that I'm setting expectations high or anything but if you don't like it, I guarantee your money back and a free punch in the face. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

Totes InsaneThere’s Crazy Neighbours And Then There’s This Lady - Drive Faster!DAT MOMENT When You Realize You Won’t Get To Hospital – Woman Gives Birth To 10lb Baby In Car - TrollingTrolling Tuba Player Ruins KKK Rally By Playing Hilariously Fitting Soundtrack. Also, The KKK Still Have Rallies?? - MisbehavingEver Wondered What Babies Actually Get Up To At Nap Time? This Hidden Camera Reveals All - Nude AthletesWhat The World’s Elite Athletes Look Like Without Clothes (Hint: They Look Amazing) - Sweet BootyTeen Alexis Is A Big Booty Princess That Gets Well And Truly Smashed By The Biggest Dick She Could Find - Lowlife DogWorst Human Being Alive Robs Little Girls' Lemonade Stand - AbnormalA Disgruntled Pornstar Is Having A Bad Day, And Everything That Comes Out Of This Thot's Mouth Is Either Penis Related Or Comedy Gold. She Non-Stop Says Crazy Shit Until Her Co-Stars Feel Forced To Shut Her Up. - Boss RushGood Grief, Wot Will They Think Of Next. In This Fighting Game, You Will Be Slaughtering Not One, Not Two, Not Three, But Many Hideously Cute Boss Monsters. Do Not Be Fooled By Their Boggle Eyed Cuteness, These Creatures Of Death Want To Rip Your Eyeballs Out And Eat Them.

OperationYou Always Wanted To Be A Doctor... Didn't U? Didn't U??? Spill The Beans, I Know U Want To Be A Doctor, So Fess It Up Naooo!! - Unfknblvbl!!Viola Bailey Is Naked... And Why Should She Ever Wear Clothes? - Tanning TitsDestiny Sierra Caught Sunbathing Topless On The Beach - GoddessTereza Kecerova Is A Czech Model. She’s Amazing. - Great SaveKid Steals His Bike Back From The Thief That Stole It - Street SexCouple With Balls Of Steel Strip Down And Fuck In The Street. - Double-AIsabella Clark Is The Double-Anal Champion Of The Internets - Absolute NutsThis Bitch Can't Handle The Fact That She Is Actually In A Perfectly Safe Box, And That The Bear Just Wants To Play. Maybe If The Bear Would Shit On The Box, Then She Could Rub It On Her Face And Chill Out. Ah Japan... - Too FarSeriously, Who Is The Racist Here? An Entire Bus Jump This White Guy For Making This Black Girl Look A Fool. Then More People Cheer The Cowards Attacking On. Who's The Racists Again? - Can I Cum?The Sybian Was Invented In The Seventies And The First Prototype Was Built In 1985. Since Then It Is Making Girls Scream, Squirt And Drool, Just Like This One.

Touch Me OnceHow Good Are You At Copying Things? You Can Copy Just About Anything Right? Copying Is Easy? Right? Wrong. In This Very Short, And Simple Enough Logic Game, Your Objective Is To Copy The Image Shown Using Neon Powered Lines Over A Hexagon Grid. That Is All There Is To It...!! - Drunk Ho'sGetting Butt Naked While Fighting To Scare Anyone From Wanting To Touch You Might Work In Some Male-Male Fights. Using It This Time Might Have Worked, But With Current Public Relations I Wouldn't Fuck With The Cops. - Don't CareNaked Guy Leaking Shit Walking Through Brooklyn - No ContestFight Between Snake And A Chameleon. Who Will Win? Hint: It's The Snake By A Mile - Machine FuckShe Wanted To Get Fucked By A Big Cock. She Ended Up With A Black And Decker Fuck Machine. - I'd Hit ItMaria Sharapova Rocking A Tiny Bikini On A Sunny Beach Somewhere - Fuck CopsShe's Fucking Sexy As Hell! And She's Open To All Types Of Shit. Win And A Win! - She's RidicWho Is Joey Fisher? She Can Be Explained In Just Two Words: Real Woman. That Body. Those Tits. That Ass. She's Ridiculous. - Cans ExposedKayleigh Morris Has Her Breast Exposed By Melissa Reeves

A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realises that he has dropped his keys. He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost. A policeman asks what he's doing. "I lost my keys in the park" says the drunk. "Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?" asks the puzzled cop. "Because" says the drunk "that's where the light is".
--
How are children like cell phones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.
--
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
--
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge" Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Click for more awesomeness

JUST ASK THE CONCIERGE...

The most unusual request my mates and I ever came up with was to have a party in a hotel room. We basically just wanted to know if a DJ would be okay. It was a presidential suite so they were very accommodating although we received a few worried looks walking through the lobby carrying some fairly large speakers. It was about midnight when they asked us to wind down the volume and the only person to complain after that was the maid who literally began shrieking and screaming after discovering the mess we made. Unforgettable night that one but it doesn't comes close to some of the out there stuff other people ask for...

-When a Fortune 500 company contacted Vegas Luxury Group VIP to help them throw a "Hangover" inspired party, the concierge service got them a great rate on the same suite used in the movie. Added to the mix were savvy bartenders, a DJ and various related characters: a 250-pound guy in a baby suit, two people in tiger costumes, a Mike Tyson lookalike, people in togas and others dressed as characters from the "Wolf Pack".

-We had a gentleman who wanted to be christened on Culloden Battlefield because he was convinced he was a Jacobite reincarnated. A retired minister did it for £75.

-A guest at Spain's Gran Hotel Elba Estepona and Thalasso Spa found the sound of the sea so irritating he actually asked hotel staff if they could do something about the noise.

-A guest staying at the Grand Del Mar in San Diego, California, wanted to surprise a friend with news of a trip away. So to give a clue, he negotiated with hotel staff to bring a llama in to help give a clue as to where he was whisking his mate off to. It was of course Peru, and they happily went off some time later. The llama was of course taken home safely.

-"A purebred collie puppy" for a little girl's birthday. The dad wanted to surprise her with 'a little Lassie'.

-Two hundred twenty-two pieces of luggage arrived with the Rolling Stones when they visited the Brown Palace Hotel in Colorado for just two nights in 2003. On another occasion, rock star Don Henley requested that his bed, stored in a truck that follows him on his travels, be placed in his hotel room. However, he later asked that it be removed because he found the Brown Palace bed so comfortable.

-One guest submitted the following request: "I would like a fish tank in my room that is sized approximately 30 cm and fully stocked before confirming this booking".

-A Cape Town GM had to go goldfish shopping after 8pm at night when one of his guests insisted that she'd never be able to drift off into la-la-land without being able to watch fish swimming around. The solution was obviously Goldfish TV.

-On another occasion, a guest asked a concierge to sell his luxury sports car when he had to unexpectedly leave the country.

-Macao's ancient Patuá, a Portuguese-based Creole language, is so rare that finding English translations is like finding a needle in a haystack. But that didn't stop the Four Seasons, Macao, concierge from helping a guest who was fascinated with the vernacular and wanted to learn more about a famous local poet. The concierge tracked down a language expert who spent six hours lost in translation and the lady was finally presented with the poet's famous work lovingly transcribed into English.

-I never knew there was a difference in taste or any way to identify one from the other, but one guest insisted he only be served the right legs for the chicken meal he ordered.

-It's always nice to have some element of home comforts when staying in a hotel and one guest made sure he wasn't going to miss out during his stay at the Premier Inn in Goldstone, Surrey, when he requested a large rubber duck for the bathroom. Other requests received by staff for the brand with the Lenny Henry commercials include a team member loaning a guest their trousers for an important last minute meeting and helping a guest buy a new bridesmaid's dress after the original ripped on wedding day.

-A guest staying at the Hotel D'Europe for a week loved gardens so much he had his gardener set up a full landscape garden on the terrace of his suite.

-The most memorable request for us is the guest who asked for 20 pounds of ice for his penguins. The penguins visited a year or two ago as part of one of the exhibits at the Boston Globe Travel Show. They stayed in the bathtub when they weren't on display at the show. Twenty pounds of ice actually isn't too much, and we have multiple ice machines at Seaport, so we filled up four bags for them.

-I had a guest request tickets to the Oscars two days before the Oscars. I was able to secure them, but the guest declined upon hearing the price of $85,000 per ticket.

-A unique wedding proposal, with a gentleman proposing to his girlfriend as staff from the resort all wearing t-shirts that spelt out MARRY ME.

-Sitting alongside the llama for one of the wackiest requests comes courtesy of the fantasy island of Hawaii. A concierge at the Four Seasons Resort Hualalai has revealed that one guest asked for a group of penguins to be waiting for them in their room, with Morgan Freeman narrating the meeting. Sadly, the guest didn't get chance to p-p-p-pick up a penguin, and the request was dismissed.

-A guest asked us to arrange live reptiles and animals on a yacht charter in the Marina. It happened.

-One guest asked the concierge of Kimpton's Alexis Hotel, to call up the guest's boss one hungover morning. After watching ER clips to get in character, the concierge gave the boss a ring to report the guest had food poisoning and needed plenty of rest and fluids.

-We were asked if we could accommodate a guest's six Chihuahuas and we obliged, as we have kennels in our underground car park. Another unique request: we had to keep the Jacuzzi private for a guest who wanted to propose to his girlfriend. She said yes.

-A guest staying at Docklands Travelodge asked the hotel team if he could practice his board presentation in Mandarin to the hotel team prior to a meeting.

-A guest who was holding a lawnmower convention at a Best Western requested permission to test out some of the new gear on the hotel property to see how well it worked.

-A guest in Bloemfontein requested a fortune teller in the middle of the night to help him make a crucial decision on a multi-million Rand business deal.

-Two hotel staff members were asked to be bridesmaid and best man for an elderly couple renewing their wedding vows in the hotel chapel.

 

GOOD CATHOLIC GIRLS... AND BY GOOD I MEAN LIKES TO GET NAKED.

click for gallery

A man from Liverpool, holidaying in the Netherlands decides to try out one of the local brothels that he's heard so much about.

Looking for a cheap thrill he walks in and takes out the equivalent of 10 pounds and approaches the mistress and says "I've only got this much. What can I get?" The mistress pauses, looks him up and down once and gestures him to follow her. She takes him down a long, narrow hall, unlocks a door and holds the door open for the man. He looks inside to see a pig tied down in the middle of the room.

The man immediately thinks to himself "Great I get to fuck a pig". She closes the door and the man begins to pleasure himself with the pig. Turns out it was actually pretty awesome.

A week later he decides to return to the same brothel but this time holds out 5 pounds and asks "I've only got this much what can I get?" Once again the mistress takes him down the same narrow hall but to a different room where a room full of people are watching a couple have sex through a one-way-glass-window.

The man, excitedly sits down on an empty seat and turns to a bloke beside him and says "What a great country. For only 5 quid you can watch a couple have sex". To which the bloke replied "That's nothing. Last week we saw a guy fuck a pig!"

ORSM VIDEO: LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR EDITION


Click for more awesomeness

HOW COMPANY POLICY IS MADE

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when an ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not ? Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins...

OMG IS THAT AN IPHONE??

click for gallery

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

JUST ASK THE CONCIERGE... (CONTINUED)

-A team from the Ritz-Carlton, Cancun, Mexico spent hours transforming a section of beach at the oceanfront hotel into a private outdoor cinema so a wealthy family could watch a movie under the stars. But there was another big problem; the guests didn't want sand in their toes! Metres of white carpet were laid so the guests could walk to their makeshift movie theatre without getting wet or dirty.

-A gentleman staying at the exclusive Landmark London hotel was granted a special request to close the gazebo to have it redecorated as an exact replica of the original coffee shop where he first met his girlfriend. The special meeting place had closed some time ago.

-We once had a guest who was vegan and waited till breakfast was served to tell us she was allergic to tofu. This same guest said not to worry about her food too much, as she hoped to one day exist only on air by breathing and not need to eat at all. We had plenty of fresh fruit and oatmeal and LOTS of air for her.

-A guest staying at Edinburgh Central Travelodge, asked the hotel manager if he could borrow his suit for the morning as he had a job interview and he forgot his at home.

-One hundred plastic pink flamingos were placed in a room at a guests request as a practical joke. We aren't sure why the guest wanted them, but they were scattered everywhere - tub, bed, desk.

-An insistent guest at the Hotel Ranga asked for a private helicopter tour to a nearby glacier where an 18-hole golf course had been created just for him. After three holes, the guest got bored and demanded to be flown back to the hotel.

-A guests asked the staff at the Loews Ventana Canyon Resort in Tucson, Arizona if they could assist him in buying two camels. The concierge, who was on her first month in the job, kept her cool, and a straight face, located a nearby dealer, and the guest's wish was fulfilled... nearly. After giving the camels a 'once over,' the camel had one too few humps for the guest's liking and he pulled out of the deal.

-We put aside our pet-friendly suite for a bride and groom so they would have a place to go after their doggie wedding. Cricket (the bride), a therapy dog who works with seniors at a local residence for women, and Black Magic (the groom), a rescue dog, rode in a limo from the ceremony to our hotel, where we had a pet menu and a wedding cake waiting for them. Cricket wasn't too sure about sharing the cake with her groom, but their handler/owner had a way of convincing them to share.

-One especially eccentric guest from The Stafford in London requested the concierge assist him in his quest to see every painting ever created by Vermeer. The only problem was that one was a part of the queen's private collection in Buckingham Palace. Despite the obstacle, the concierge was able to schedule a visit for the grateful guest.

-A Jozi hotel guest took a 'bare-bum' stroll down to reception and politely requested that someone buy him some new 'tighty-whities'. No freeballing for him.

-We booked rooms on different floors for a guest's wife and girlfriend.

-A guest of the South Beach hotel in Miami was persuading his girlfriend to relocate to London when she agreed on the condition her pet tiger could come along too. The concierge was left to deal with the details and brilliantly figured out how to transport the furry feline. The concierge pulled it off with the help of the Miami Zoo and officials from Orlando airport and the kitty arrived safely to his new home.

-A couple checking in to a property were told the room they would be given two queen-size beds instead of the king that had been requested. The angry husband pulled open his jacket and pointed to his Disneyland pin that had happy anniversary on it and shouted "Does this look like someone who should get a room with two queens?"

-One guests dream was to get a ride in the Good Year Blimp, through numerous challenges it happened.

-The Savoy's head butler Sean Davoren has had some wacky requests in his service of elite guests, with wild goat's milk for a guest's bath among the more unusual. But it was certainly achievable, at a cost. The milk itself cost a manageable £50, but the taxi fare to Wales and back to get it ran up £600 on the meter. The milk was then warmed up, and 30 bottles of heated Evian was used to rinse the white stuff off the picky guest afterwards.

-One guest asked us for a selection of 'toys' from Agent Provocateur [a U.K.-based adult clothing and novelty shop]. We got to choose.

-At the Kenwood Inn and Spa in Sonoma, California, a gentleman wanted to partially recreate his first date with his girlfriend - listening to a mariachi band at a Mexican restaurant - so he could pop the question, on bended knee, in the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge. The chief concierge arranged for the seven guys to sneak onto the bridge walking in opposite directions, have them put on their sombreros in the middle, pull out their instruments and play a tune while the man kneeled.

-The strangest request we've gotten was "Do not touch the bed!" The housekeeper was told "Leave the bed alone". And a note found on the bed said 'DO NOT TOUCH!'

-I once planned a girl's 10th birthday at the request of the parents. While this isn't especially strange, they wanted it to be "Barbie-themed" complete with models dressed as Barbie and her companions.

-One couple opted to spend the extra money for a luxury hotel instead of cheap hotels on their vacation to China. A good idea, too: when they first lie down on the luxurious beds at the Shanghai Mansion hotel in China, the couple was so impressed that they asked the concierge to ship the entire bedding set back to their home in Europe.

-A couple brought their favourite hen with them because they could only eat fresh eggs laid by the hen, named Gladys.

-A pop star staying at a boutique hotel in Montreal during the filming of a movie insisted on drinking raw cow milk first thing every morning as part of her strict diet.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO: ON THE STREET EDITION

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.

Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologises and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?" "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit" the attendant replied. "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads".

FANTASTIC ASSES

click for gallery

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island" she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank".

"Amazing" he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you". "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gumtree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"B--but, that's impossible" stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem" replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware".

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place" she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you" he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice". "It's not coconut juice" the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom".

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing" he muses "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines -strategically positioned- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me" she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing: "You mean...?" he swallows excitedly "I can check my email from here...?"

RANDOM SHITE

click for gallery
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Click for more awesomeness

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person".

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness" thought the gentleman "I can't tell the Pope that". There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'". "Of course..." said the Pope "do you have an eraser?"

BOOBS ON GLASS

click for gallery

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the pool balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

 "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me" replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed the cue ball, he measures everything first".

ORSM VIDEO


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done.

-Check out the site archives because they're not something you want to miss.
-Next update will be next Thursday because it's not something I want to miss.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will speak to you in a condescending tone.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Reader Mail back next week. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.07.16-16.42
Boobies

Welcome to stuttering Stanley.

So winter is kind of totally sucking balls at the moment. Firstly, it's cold. Secondly, it's depressing. Thirdly, all the other reasons you would expect from cold people. This is the worst time of the year. And boring. Its school holidays too so peak hour traffic has halved. It's just weird. But it could be worse... at least I'm not fat. Wait. Fuck. Nope I am. And I know you guys in the northern hemisphere are probably basking in glorious sunshine right now so from us to you - we hope it's too hot to enjoy.

I shouldn't complain though as the year is practically over. Yes I realise its July. What I mean is that starting with next week shit begins to escalate. It starts with a birthday, family from interstate coming to stay, friends from overseas in town, then a few significant social events intertwined with some serious hours in front of the computer to hopefully give me enough buffer to enjoy time away come November which pretty much brings us through to Christmas and the New Year. See? Done.

Anyway... I'm not going to force it today. Most of what's been noteworthy in my week holds zero literary value so rather than waffle on incessantly without a point, let's instead cut to a big chunk of jokes and continue on with another ground-breaking update. Check it...

A lawyer calls his largest client to his office for an important meeting. When he arrives, the lawyer says to the wealthy art collector client "I have some good news and some bad news". The client grumbles "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news". "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least $3 million". "Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day. So what's the bad news?" "The two pictures are of you with your secretary".
--
Smith was hit by a car, died, and went to heaven. And everyone who goes to heaven has to work. God went up to Smith, and said: Smith, you are going to make babies. Here is this wheel, and every time you turn it, a baby will come out. For hours, Smith spun the wheel at full speed, then he started to get tired. As he was slowing down, a black baby came out... and Smith said: Fuck I better hurry - they are burning!"
--
Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?" The old woman replies shyly "Depends..." "Depends on what?" he asks. "On my ass... where else?!"
--
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the loo. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying "I spat in this beer, do not drink!" After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"
--
A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles. A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself".
--
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
--
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye". The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it. He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
--
We live in Abbotsford British Columbia and my Missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats. Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house!
--
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee". "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes" he says "I was in Iraq for one tour". The interviewer says "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment". Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles". The interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8am. to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on starting at 10am. Every day". The guy is puzzled and asks "If the work hours are from 8am to 4pm., why don't you want me here until 10am?" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that".
--
You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge. "Yes" answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "One dress". "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honour" sighed the suspect. "The first three times my wife didn't like the colour".

Click for more awesomeness

GoPro JediAnd Now Here Is A Jedi With A Gopro. Thankfully A Jedi Hasn't Discovered A Selfie Stick. - It Gets RealSecurity Guard Fires Gun While Taking Camera Away From Guy At Court Meeting. Whose Side Are You On? Guy With Camera Or Guy With Gun? Slow Build, But This Gets Good! - Boobs PSAWatching This ‘Psa For Boobs’ Video Is Guaranteed To Completely Confuse All Men The World Over - Got Ink?Here’s 33 Amazing 3d Tattoos That Use Optical Illusions To Play Tricks With Your Mind - Objectified10 Hours Of Walking Around Comic-Con As A Female Cosplayer - Hot TushySexy Jillian Has Her Ass Fucking Destroyed Beautifully - Consequences‘One-Minute Time Machine’ Is The Perfect Way To Fix Your Mistakes When It Comes To Dating - "Harry Baals"These News Anchors Have To Keep Saying Someone's Unfortunate Name - What A BitchDon't Overfill Your Bin! This Is Why You Should Never Anger A Trashma

GreatnessI Expected Nothing From This But It Delivered Everything. For The Love Of God Do Yourself A Favour And Click This Link! - GREAT RackMaitland Ward Finally Said “Fuck It! I’m Showing My Titties!!”, And She Did It By Wearing A Super Sheer Top While On Her Way To Comic-Con’s Crave Escape Party In San Diego! - CoinheadYour Name Is Mr Coinhead. You Like Collecting Coins. All Ur Friends Think Ur A Freak. But U Don't Care. Ur The Coinhead. - Wonder WomanClaudia Romani Nip Slip During Wonder Woman Cartwheel - Simply WowCharlotte McKinney Not Wearing Much = Holy Fucking Shit Balls!! - Bikey MoleBimbo Biker Bitch Gets Her Pierced Poon Drilled - Suck ShitThese Iranian Terrorists Apparently Don't Know Hot To Defuse An IED. BANG! - OrgasmsGirls Cumming Like Guys Is Highly Entertaining - Umm Breakfast?You could throw a football in her asshole and hit nothing but net and today she's pushing the limits of pornography, breakfast, and ass sphincters all at the same time.

EggcellentPart 5 Of This Better-Than-The-Real-Deal Rip Off Of Angry Birds - OG MafiaWounded Mafia Thug Is Shot In The Head By Another As His Friend Tries To Help Him - *cringe*At Least You Can Say You're Better Than This Guy - UncouthAll This Time And We Just Thought Eye Crust Was Dried Mucus Forming Around Our Tear Ducts... Turns Out It's Just Jizz From Homeless People. - Aussie BabeTo The Rest Of The World This Aussie Girl Is Epically Hot... Here She Is Just An Average Girl. - Fit BitchAriana Marie Comes Home To Fuck After A Morning Jog - DelinquentOlivia Was A Just A Teen Who Needed A Lift. Luckily, Some Dude Was Able To Help Out So She Sucks Him Off In The Car And Then Gives Up That Tight Wet Pussy For A Pounding From Behind. - You'd Hit ItGirls Can Be So Deceitfully, You Can Think Of Make-Up, Push-Up Bra And They Probably Have More Tricks To Look Better Then They Actually Are. But This Extreme Hot Blondie Is Different, With Her Natural Looks She Doesn't Need Anything To Look Hotter, Amazing Boobs, Amazing Face, She Is Just Perfect. But Wait... Oh Shit... - SHITPOSTSHITPOST - Hard NipsLexy Stephens Wet White Tee Shirt In The Ocean - FlasherHere’s Busty Babe Natalie Austin Flashing Her Naughty Bits While Out On A Shopping Trip!! See, If We Could All Go Shopping With Girls Like Natalie I Wouldn’t Hate The Mall As Much.

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".
--
What's the best part of sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
--
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green". The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup" the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me" said the beginner.
--
A blind man was describing his favourite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go". "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Click for more awesomeness

WHAT'S YOUR LAST MEAL?

I'm a fucking nightmare when going to a restaurant - just can't seem to quickly make a menu selection without consulting the table, the waitress etc. I always want to get the best possible thing and never be stuck with a choice that is shit. So if it was your last meal what are you supposed to do? Thankfully I've thought long and hard about this so when it's my turn I'll be able to tell authorities I want a large bowl of chili mac n cheese, a greasy cheeseburger, peanut butter chocolate ice cream and a couple of strong coffees. While you digest that, here's a huge list of what executed crims chose as theirs...

ANDREW CHAN and MYURAN SUKUMARAN were the ringleaders of the Bali Nine drug smugglers. They were executed by firing squad in Indonesia in 2015 after 10 years on death row. Both chose Kentucky Fried Chicken as their final meal.

LAWRENCE RUSSELL BREWER was a convicted murderer with a huge appetite and can lay claim to being responsible for ending the tradition of granting a final meal request to death row inmates in Texas. Brewer asked for a triple bacon cheeseburger, two fried chicken steaks with gravy and onions, a cheese and beef omelette, tomatoes, a meat lovers pizza, bell peppers, jalapeños, a bowl of okra, one pound of barbecue meat, half a loaf of bread, three fully loaded fajitas, three root beers, a pint of ice cream and a slab of peanut butter fudge. The request was granted, but he refused to eat a single bite which is what ended the tradition.

ALTON COLEMAN was a spree killer who murdered 8 people across 6 states before being caught and executed in Ohio in 2002. He chowed down on a well done filet mignon smothered with mushrooms, fried chicken breasts, a salad with French dressing, sweet potato pie with whipped cream, French fries, collard greens, onion rings, cornbread, broccoli with melted cheese, biscuits and gravy, and a cherry Coke.

VICTOR FEGUER was hanged in 1963 for kidnapping and murder and was the last person executed in Iowa. For his last meal, he requested a single olive with the pit still in it, with the hopes that it would grow into an olive tree from inside his body.

TED BUNDY was the notorious serial killer who confessed to 30 murders but may have committed even more. He declined a special meal before his 1989 execution, so he was given the meal that the Florida prison he was incarcerated in typically gave to others on death row: medium-rare steak, eggs over easy, toast with butter and jelly, hash browns, milk, coffee, and juice. He didn't eat any of it.

ELIJAH PAGE showed no remorse or emotion as he was put to death by lethal injection in South Dakota in 2007. Maybe because he was so satisfied with his steak, jalapeño poppers with cream sauce, onion rings, a salad with cherry tomatoes, ham chunks, shredded cheese, bacon bits, and blue cheese and ranch dressing, coffee, lemon iced tea, and ice cream.

WESLEY BAKER was executed in Maryland in 2005 requested breaded fish, pasta marinara, green beans, orange fruit punch, bread, and milk. This was what was on the prison menu that day.

JOHN WAYNE GACY was lethally injected on 33 charges of rape and murder. He requested 12 fried shrimp, a bucket of KFC fried chicken, French fries and strawberries. Before he was convicted, Gacy had been a manager at 3 KFC restaurants.

ADOLF EICHMANN was a senior Nazi officer who was executed in Israel in 1962. His final request was a bottle of Carmel, an Israeli red wine. He drank about half of the bottle.

JAMES EDWARD SMITH was convicted of murder, after the fatal shooting of Larry D. Rohus during a robbery made at a cashier's office. Upon being asked what he wanted as his final meal, Smith asked for a lump of dirt. This was denied, and Smith eventually settled for a pot of yoghurt.

AILEEN WUORNOS was a convicted serial killer who was executed in Florida in 2002 (and was later the basis for the movie "Monster" starring Charlize Theron. She declined a special meal, but had a hamburger and other snack food from the prison's canteen. Later, she also drank a cup of coffee.

PETER KÜRTEN, known as "The Vampire of Düsseldorf" was convicted of committing a series of sexual assaults and murders around that German city in 1929. Before his execution in 1931, he requested Wiener schnitzel, fried potatoes, and a bottle of white wine. He requested seconds, and was given them.

MARION ALBERT PRUETT had been given a new identity after testifying about a federal prison slaying. Not content with life afterward, he went on a killing spree for which he was executed in Arkansas in 1999. Pruett asked for a stuffed crust pizza from Pizza Hut, four Burger King Whoppers, a large order of French fries, three two-litre bottles of Pepsi, a bucket of ice, a bottle of ketchup, salt, fried eggplant, fried squash, fried okra, and a pecan pie. In an interview prior to his execution date, he said he was going to share his last meal with another inmate who was going to be executed the same day. He went on to say he originally wanted to have a roast duck for his last meal, but changed his mind because he felt the prison wouldn't cook it.

WILLIAM BONIN was convicted of the rape and murder of 21 boys and young man, and is suspected to have had a number of victims far in excess of that number. Bonin's final meal was substantial, consisting of two pepperoni pizzas and three helpings of chocolate ice cream. Apparently Bonin wanted to die of diabetes before the lethal injection though, as he consumed eighteen servings of Coca-Cola and Pepsi before his execution.

ERIC WRINKLES murdered his wife and her brother and his wife. Before execution he sat down to eat prime rib, a "loaded" baked potato, pork chops with steak fries, rolls and two salads with ranch dressing. It was served three days before execution because Indiana State Prison system found that condemned inmates tend to lose their appetite as execution nears.

STEPHEN WAYNE ANDERSON was an American murderer who was executed in California's San Quentin State Prison by lethal injection in 2002. He killed an 81-year-old piano teacher by shooting her in the face. His last meal was two grilled cheese sandwiches, one pint of cottage cheese, a hominy/corn mixture, one slice of peach pie, one pint of chocolate chip ice cream, and radishes.

TIMOTHY MCVEIGH was the mastermind of the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing. His request ahead of his 2001 execution was two pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

PHILIP RAY WORKMAN murder trial was highly controversial, as several experts claimed that the bullet that killed a police officer could not have come from Workman's weapon. Despite this, Workman was convicted and executed in Tennessee in 2007. Before his execution, Workman requested that his final meal be a large vegetarian pizza, given to a homeless person. Officials denied the request, Workman refused to eat anything, and people throughout the country began a campaign to give vegetarian pizzas to the homeless in Workman's honour.

RONNIE LEE GARDNER was controversially executed in 2010 in Utah by a firing squad. Gardner ate a last meal of steak, lobster tail, apple pie, vanilla ice cream and 7-Up soda, before beginning a 48-hour fast while watching "The Lord of the Rings" film trilogy.

DENNIS WAYNE BAGWELL was executed by injection in Texas in 2005 because he liked to kill women. He also liked to eat, requesting medium rare steak with A1 Steak Sauce, fried chicken breasts and thighs, BBQ ribs, French fries, onion rings, bacon, scrambled eggs with onions, fried potatoes with onions, sliced tomatoes, salad with ranch dressing, two hamburgers, peach pie, milk, coffee, and iced tea with real sugar.

HEAD FOR THE ROAD...

click for gallery

Recently, the Townsville Police Department ran an email forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being "Community Policing". One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people, and get away with it?"

Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humour replied: "First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In Townsville, we average one cop for every 600 people.

Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty, or what you might refer to as "patrol" where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.

At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty, and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.

So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a pie, and then find a new person to harass.

This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.

What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house". The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no rego, or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a cat on the scent of a mouse. When you catch them you can harass them for hours, to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS or RUNNERS, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Laws"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Laws, etc. They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

After you read the laws, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I was allowed to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good Townsville citizens who pay the bill, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better, how we harass the good citizens of Townsville".

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

30 GIRLS YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY FALL IN LOVE WITH

click for gallery

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

WHAT'S YOUR LAST MEAL? (CONTINUED)

GARY CARL SIMMONS JUNIOR was executed by lethal injection in Mississippi for murder. Must have been hard work because he requested a Pizza Hut medium Super Supreme Deep Dish pizza with double portions of mushrooms, onions, jalapeño peppers, and pepperoni, a second pizza with three cheeses, olives, bell pepper, tomato, garlic, and Italian sausage, 10 8-oz. packs of Parmesan cheese, 10 8-oz. packs of ranch dressing, one family size bag of Doritos nacho cheese flavour, 8 oz. jalapeño nacho cheese, 4 oz. sliced jalapeños, 2 large strawberry shakes, two 20-oz. cherry Cokes, one super-size order of McDonald's fries with extra ketchup and mayonnaise, and two pints of strawberry ice cream. He consumed about half of it.

JONATHAN NOBLES was convicted for the murder of two young women in 1986. Before his execution by lethal injection in 1998, Nobles had seemingly become a devout Christian. For his final meal, Nobles requested the Eucharist, also known as Holy Communion, which consists of consecrated bread and wine.

RICKY RAY RECTOR was executed in 1992 for the murder of a police officer in Arkansas. He requested steak, fried chicken, cherry Kool-Aid and pecan pie. He left the pecan pie on the side of the tray, telling the guards who came to take him to the execution chamber that he was saving it "for later".

CLARENCE RAY ALLEN was convicted for murdering three people, becoming the second-oldest person to be executed in the United States. For Allen's final meal, he requested buffalo steak and fried chicken, along with sugar-free pecan pie and sugar-free black walnut ice cream.

ERIC NANCE was an American man who was convicted of murder in the state of Arkansas. Sentenced to a lethal injection, Nance ordered a final meal of two bacon cheeseburgers, French fries, two pints of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, and two Coca-Colas.

GERALD MITCHELL was executed by the state of Texas in 2001 after being convicted of killing two victims during a botched robbery. Turns out Mitchell had a sweet tooth, as his only request for his final meal was a large bag of assorted Jolly Rancher sweets.

TROY DAVIS was the subject of a highly controversial murder trial, during which he was convicted of the fatal shooting of a police officer. Before his execution, Troy Davis declined his special meal, claiming that "this meal will not be my last". It turned out he was wrong though because he was soon executed by lethal injection.

JOHN DAVID DUTY was sentenced to death for strangling a fellow inmate at Oklahoma State Penitentiary in December 2001. At the time, he had been serving a life sentence for a 1978 conviction of rape, robbery and shooting with intent to kill. His last meal was a double cheeseburger with mayonnaise, a foot-long hot dog with cheese, mustard and onions, a cherry limeade, and a banana shake.

THOMAS GRASSO was convicted for the strangulation of an 87-year-old woman at her home, and an 81-year-old man just six months later, as part of a series of home robberies. His final meal was an extravagant feast of two dozen steamed mussels, two dozen steamed clams, a cheeseburger, half a dozen spare ribs, two strawberry milkshakes, strawberries, half a pumpkin pie, and a can of spaghetti with meatballs. This spawned Grasso's famous last words "I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this!"

VELMA BARFIELD was a serial killer with at least six victims who was executed in North Carolina in 1984. Set for lethal injection, she declined a special meal, instead eating a bag of Cheez Doodles and drinking a 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola during her last hours.

DOUGLAS FRANKLIN WRIGHT enjoyed murdering homeless men and a young boy. He became the first person to be executed by lethal injection in Oregon. He asked for one honeybun.

MIGUEL RICHARDSON was tried and convicted for the fatal shooting of two security guards in 1980, and executed by the state of Texas in 2001. Richardson made the rather romantic request for his final meal, by asking for a birthday cake with "2-23-90″ written on top, which was the date he got married. He also specifically requested seven pink candles, a lot of fruit, and a salad with Thousand Island dressing.

DOBIE GILLIS WILLIAMS was a convicted murderer who was executed by the State of Louisiana for the murder of Sonja Knippers in 1999. Williams ate twelve candy bars and some ice cream for his last meal. In his final statement, Williams said "I just want to say, I don't have any hard feelings against anybody. God bless y'all. God bless".

JOSEPH MITCHELL PARSONS was executed in Utah in 1999. He had a large last meal consisting of three Burger King Whoppers, two large orders of fries, a chocolate shake, chocolate chip ice cream, and a package of grape Hubba Bubba bubble-gum, which he shared with his brother and a cousin. Parsons' attorney said that he chose this meal because the Burger King slogan "Have it your way" was a reflection of him taking control of his life.

ÁNGEL NIEVES DÍAZ was executed for the shooting murder of a strip club manager. Díaz declined a special meal so was served the regular prison meal for that day, but declined that as well.

DELBERT TEAGUE JUNIOR was described by prosecutors at his trial as a "one man slaughterhouse" which might give you a good idea of just how pleasant the guy was. Teague outright refused to eat his last meal. At least, he did until his mother told him off, and Teague sheepishly ate a cheeseburger before being executed by the Texas state.

BRUNO RICHARD HAUPTMANN was convicted of the Lindbergh Kidnapping and murder which became one of the most highly publicised crimes of the 20th century. Before his electric chair ending in 1936 by electric chair he requested for his final meal Celery, olives, chicken, French fries, buttered peas, cherries, and a slice of cake.

GARY GILMORE was a murderer executed by firing squad in 1977. He asked for a hamburger, hard-boiled eggs, a baked potato, a few cups of coffee, and three shots of Jack Daniel's whiskey.

ALLEN LEE DAVIS was convicted of and executed for murdering a pregnant woman. He was a big guy, weighing in at 350-pounds. His last meal consisted of one lobster tail, fried potatoes, a half-pound of fried shrimp, six ounces of fried clams, half a loaf of garlic bread, and 32 ounces of A&W root beer.

ODELLE BARNES was a Texas man that was convicted of murdering Helen Bass in a home robbery. The later stages of Barnes' trial received heavy attention from anti-death penalty advocates and human rights groups, primarily due to deficiencies in the forensic evidence. Before his execution in 2000, Barnes requested "Justice, Equality, World Peace" for his final meal. Sadly, prison officials were unable to comply.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says "What do I look like, a plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them" she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him". "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like" she says "Betty Crocker?"

DIRTY/SEXY/SLUTTY SNAPCHATS

click for gallery

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home arriving back 3am. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and buried the money.

The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.

On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree!"

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first".

RANDOM SHITE

click for gallery
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Click for more awesomeness

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' givin' him any of mine".

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS".

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to 'take care of'. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows".

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... you know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend".

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument".

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it".

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

EAT SOMETHING. NOW.

click for gallery

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!" "It's in the judge's hands now" said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court".

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!" Confidently the lawyer responded "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them". "But I did send them" replied the man. "What!?" shouted the lawyer. "I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card!"

ORSM VIDEO


Looks like we made it. Look how far we've come, my baby.

Now read on or suffer the consequences...

-Check out the site archives. Every single update since forever.
-Next update will be next Alhamisi.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will go ham... on your sammich.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and punctuate appropriately. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.07.09-19.19
Boobies

Welcome to the most fun you can have with your clothes off.

It's hard to say how many cold/flu/virus/bugs have invaded our little home over the past month or so. They've just rolled into one another. Definitely not double digits but enough that the folks at big tissue and big hand-sanitiser have been making a few bucks out of us. If there was any silver lining it was that I'd managed to stay free of contagions while others suffered. There was an unspeakable smugness which perfumed the air, a smugness derived from eating vegetables and other healthy crap which strengthen ones immune system while others may not have been quite so vigilant. Well vegetables and other healthy crap you have failed me because the whatever-you-wanna-call-it-cold that's kicking my ass up and down the street lol'd in your stupid face.

Think I'm just in one of those patches where things go a bit wrong all the time. Take Friday night - I was moving quickly through the house after showering looking for some clothes. May also have been naked and cupping my junk so as to not terrify the neighbours too. Anyway... in the rush I didn't adjust my speed appropriately to cross through the baby safety gate. Long story short, the gate now lies in ruin and I reinjured the plantar fascia which had only recently begun not to be a shithead all the time. Motherfucking motherfucker.

The next morning, first op all week for some exercise, I was striding along thinking about how sore my foot was and how long it may linger for this time. As I came over a hill, out of the shade and blinded by the rising sun, I rolled my foot off the footpath and aggravated it yet again. Motherfucking cock-sucking motherfucker.

Made it home about 20 minutes later and went to grab the spare keep to let myself in... then slipped on the wet paving. Scraped the crap out of my elbow and twisted my neck. Motherfucking cock-sucking cunting motherfucker.

You can probably imagine it was with some apprehension that I would continue Saturday as planned - a DIY construction project involving ladders and power tools. Never was 'proceed with caution' my motto more than that day. Worked like a trooper too. Got lots done and miraculously stayed incident free.

Woke up the next morn sorer than a pounded butthole. Made struggling out of bed far too early almost not worth it but breakfast with mates + motherfucking eggs sooo... yeah. We found some hole in the wall café, did our thing and made it home a few hours later to catch delivery of the one of these. Urgh.

Recent Sunday's have had this hijacking vibe about them. Random drop-ins or whatever just seem to make the day disappear before you even realise its gone. This was no different - rather than stay home and give the Homomix a whirl we ducked out for sushi, then home to prep meals for the week, then chat with neighbour's aaaand done.

Two other things before I wrap my words up. First was the stabbing murder of Adelaide AFL coach last week by his son. Swear to god I called it... that assholes who had never met or even heard of the guy would all carry on like he was their bosom buddy and a few moments near the radio or TV had it in spades. Yeah yeah it sad and terrible but guess what assholes? Its sad and terrible whenever anyone is ushered out before their time. Secondly... just once when someone dies tragically or is murdered etc I want the friend/family/other being interviewed to tell the truth. SURELY not everyone who dies was the best guy EVER? "He'd give you the shirt of his back", "a true gentleman", "had a huge heart" "his death is a huge blow" and so on. Just once I'd love to hear them say "You know he was actually a bit of a dick" or "he was mean to everyone" "he never paid child support" or "the guy was so racist that I'm not surprised he was murdered". Just once.

Okay let's get moving with a very special update. You'll see why as you scroll down. Hope you enjoy and maybe stop harassing me about it for a lil while? Also, try not to break the servers. Check it...

Click for more awesomeness

LegendarySomething Hilarious Happens Right When This Revved Up EDM Crowd Expects The Drop - Feel The BurnThese People Stayed Out In The Sun A Little Too Long And Look What Happened - Holy Shit!Front Tyre Blows On A Tandem Bike Racing The Velodrome. Yes The Riders Fall But The Effect Is Fucking Cool! - How Could He?Mother-Of-Two Shares Harrowing Story Of Domestic Abuse To Help Others Stuck In Similar Situation - Don't JudgeTeens Are Making Themselves Look Ugly With Fake Unibrows And Acne For The #DontJudgeChallenge - Tasty TeenTasty Teen Alexis Has A Beautiful Booty And She Knows How To Use It! - TWD BabesSexy Survivors: The Hottest Girls On The Walking Dead - NSFWSo Rihanna’s New Videos Is NSFW - Nervous BotSo All You Need To Do Is Get To The Exit On Each Level. Sounds Easy... And It May Appear Easy At Times, But You Will Be Deceived And Most Likely Die At Least Once Within The First Couple Of Levels. After That You'll Will Be Dying A Lot More.

MicricsViruses. They Rule The World... Never Was This More Obvious Than This Cool Little Game Chewed And Hour That I Was Supposed To Be Working! - Drunk SlutsNicole Scherzinger Drunken Upskirt And Lesbian Makeout - Tit JiggleFantastic Close-Up View Of A Topless Tessa Fowler And Her Giant Naturals Which Was Filmed With A Gopro!! I Could Watch Her Jiggle Those Titties For Hours Without Getting Bored - AmeribabesWhat Better Way To Celebrate The 4th Of July Than In A Sexy Little US Of A Bikini? - Whaaat?Sometimes You Have To Be In A Hurry And You Just Can't Get All Those Particles Off With That Bargain Brand Bog Roll. So Before You Try On Those New Baggy Ass Pants Have Your Bitch Give It The Quick Inspection. - Just WOWShe's The Type Of Beauty Who Makes You Cum Off A Stare - Cam SluttingCam Girl Tory Covers A Lot Of Sexual Territory In This Epic Webcam Session - TerrifyingRussian Lions Don't Take No Shit And Attack People - Beach BeejPeople Just Cant Believe Their Eyes When They See This Girl Taking A Cock In Her Mouth, Moving Her Head Up And Down At Full Speed. You Would Expect This On A Nude Beach But Not On A Normal Beach Where Kids Are Playing Around - ALL BADA 25 Year Old Boy Suffering From Both Severe Autism And Chronic Virginity Has Found Hope In Backpage.Com. Will He Finally Lose His V Card

CrazycleYep, It's Time To Get On Your Bike And Do Strut Your Funky Stuff! - Office SlutShantee Is The Office Secretary And She's Been Fucking Her Way Around The Staff Like A Good Little Whore - Air PornF-16 Full Afterburner Unrestricted Take-Of - Punk PussyHard Cock Stud Samples Some Punk Rock Pussy - So Not OKSo This Is What Family Day Is Like In Haiti. Count Me Out Of That Shit. I'm Sure It's Fun For The Kid. I Wonder If They Quit After Being Caught, Or If He Kept Pounding Away. - Il StupidoIdiot Taunting A Bull With Flaming Horns Has His Neck Snapped - Nicki's NipNicki Minaj Nipple Slip Is Better Than I Was Expecting - CurvesAwesome Set Of Playboy Co-Ed Michelle Moore Posing Nude Against The Brick Wall!! Love The Way This Was Shot. Her Tits Are Great But I Have A Feeling That The Photographer Has Managed To Make 'Em Look Even Better! - See ThruChrissy Teigen Braless In Sequin See Through Dress That Does Practically Nothing To Hide Her Beautiful Jubblies - Iron ManHonest Trailers Does Iron Man! - Kill It!!You Wake Up Next To This, What Do You Do?

What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's pussy? Sucking out thirteen of them and realising you only put in a dozen.
--
A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: "Do you have any corn?" The man answers politely: "No, we don't have any corn here". The next day, the duck enters again and asks: "Do you have any corn?" Annoyed, the man answers: "No! We don't have any corn". This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks "Do you have any corn?" the man gets so upset he yells: "NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I"ll nail your beak to the counter!" The next day, the duck returns and asks: "Do you have any nails?" The man answers: "No". Then the duck asks: "Do you have any corn?"
--
What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys? Coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys? Football coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys? Warden.
--
I just got a BJ from an autistic woman. I have special needs too.
--
I remember a few years ago when my little girl was only 8 years old, she came up to me and asked "Daddy, what is sex?" I was somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question. But, I figured if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer. So, I proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. After the explanation, my daughter was a little pale and wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" I then asked her. She replied "Mummy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL

And we are back! It's only been what - 18 months...? Reader Mail has been on hiatus for a bunch of reasons. It was originally shelved because I was too busy with other projects. Not enough hours in the day to keep up so I just saved everything. When that changed the backlog had grown so incredibly large that its taken months to sort through. And to clarify - my inbox swelled with tens of thousands of emails last year which was whittled down to around 1000 which was again chopped down to the few hundred you guys will see in this update + a couple of others. FYI submissions are pruned for lots of reasons but mostly because they have been posted before, are irrelevant, make no sense and so on.

Before you proceed to ingest these please keep in mind that some of them are woefully out of date. Would have felt like too much of an asshole simply deleting all the submissions from last year so stuff that was topical back then may now be far from. Try not to get to caught up in it. Also may not be worth wasting your time sending a badgering email my way in response to someone.

So lets get going. Whenever the last RM was, there was a couple of things that elicited a barrage of responses. Some of them can be found here otherwise get busy with everything else...

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Didnt want to get pregnant.
Funny story. Going out with a beautifull women for about 6 months. Kept me waiting that long before we had sex. Anyway it was worth the wait. My now wife was giving me a brilliant BJ in bed. After blowing, my girl excused herself to go to the bathroom. When i asked her what she was doing, she answered "I had to spit so i don't get pregnant". My wife is blonde and from Queensland.

chris wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I sent you some picture in the past Of a "Dead Mall". Anyhow, this is now my official "hobby". I took 5600 photos this year in 4 states of over 20 locations. This is the video of "The Best Of", 200 photos in video format. Facebook Page [here]. Enjoy!

Bill wrote:
Subject: something for your site
You are good enough that we should start saying Dr. Orsm, instead of Mr. Orsm.. I don't what upsets me more: 1.That Paul McCartney would even consider doing any type of work with Kanye West 2.That Kanye West fans have no clue who McCartney is. Our future is clearly down the $hitter.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Education
Orsm, I thought the following article about a teacher getting sacked in Australia for defending himself in class was right down your alley.Schools all over the world are losing all common sense and facilitating these little "Nazi's". No details please.

Ken wrote:
Subject: Awkward sex moments
I have a couple of them for ya , The Great Orsm. This girl I had grown up going to school with and I were going at it, no condom. So when it was time for me to blow my load I pulled out, she was just starting her orgasm and grinded against my cock and I shot her in the eye.

I was in the Navy and was banging a girl was stationed with. She was on top riding hard, came up to high and came down right in the butt. She flew off hit the wall and landed on the floor. It hurt me too but I was laughing until I was crying.

Had this girl who was not very experienced, only had done missionary and doggy. I put her on top had her going for a couple minutes. She stopped. Shook her shoulders and asked " does that feel good?" Me "does what feel good?" She shook her shoulders again "that?" I looked at her, " what does shaking your shoulders got to do with what's going on down here?!?" And she started crying.


BEACH DRESSING IS FOR HOT GIRLS WITHOUT BODY ISSUES

click for gallery

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?" "Fine, thank you" he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year" he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Suntree" he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied "How did you know my name was Katz?"

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Abbos in Kalgoorlie
Hey mate, thought you'd like this one for your site :) Abbo rooting a gin, while another gin patiently awaits her turn behind them. At least he bought her flowers and a goon bag! Photo was taken Tuesday morning April 29th in Kalgoorlie outside Woolies. Please say it was sent anonymously :) Cheers to beers!
click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: Barebeque help
This is the memorial Day Weekend and I need a little help. I'm looking for a gas barbecues, 3 or 4 burners and I'm having a problem finding good one, that looks good on the patio and works well. I need a good brand, and am willing to pay for it. I saw a photo, and here's the question: this one is kind of out of focus, but looks perfect for what I need and want…can anybody tell me what the brand is and is it a 3 or 4 burner? It looks relatively simple, I bet you could start it with a single finger. I knew you'd want to help.
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
wayne wrote:
Subject: Chromed Rolls Royce New York
Visited New york last month and snapped a shot of this little beauty. Regards
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Gene wrote:
Subject: Duck Blind
Location: Louisiana (of course). 3 stories- The "Coon Duck Blind" (on Bayou Self). First level hides 4 boats underneath and has room for 2 hunters and has 2 dog doors. Second level has a full kitchen with fridge, 2 stoves, electricity for lights, living room with 2 couches and satellite TV, theater seats around the "porch of the blind" to sit 14 guys comfortably. A side porch has a running toilet, a stainless steel grill for cooking whole rib-eyes for lunch and a bar to make all the Mojos and a margarita machine which is hard wired to car batteries. Third level is the "crows nest" with room for 3. It's about 25' up in the trees and most of the time you are shooting down on the ducks. The food scraps they throw out draw a lot of ducks and makes the fishing good too. Oh, it took 137 cases of Bud to build. Man...I'm so proud to be an American ! I think I'm tearin' up.
Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: OMG
It's turkey, stuffed with cooked octopus tentacles and garnished with crabs legs and bacon. Would you eat it? Reminds me of one of those crabby things from Half Life.
click to enlarge
chawan_cut wrote:
Subject: GoT/GotG meme
Made this just now. Could you post? Thanks!
click to enlarge
Mike wrote:
Subject: How to make garbage pickup day more exciting
How to make garbage pickup day more exciting...
click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: That's Life!
OMG How true is that !!! LOL seen this one recently on Facebook as well
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
Gene wrote:
Subject: What was missing
Scientists Baffled: What was missing in Japan ? There was an article in the US World Report regarding the orderly behavior of the Japanese citizens and the absence of looting after the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear nightmare. Social scientists were baffled by the total non-existence of looting and savage behavior in Japan considering the magnitude of this Catastrophe. They conferred with human study Organizations as well as sociology Experts throughout the United States. Finally, after days and days of studies and meetings, they came to a conclusion. Guess what was missing in Japan?? The Entitlement Crowd!
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
I've been following for a few years now. I just wanted to share some of my ex-wife. I hope you enjoy please hide my details.
click to enlarge
Justin wrote:
Subject: News Flash from WA
The Royal Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Broome today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Australia towards Indonesia. Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australian people who were all seniors of pension age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Indonesia so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners. The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come.
click to enlarge
---st-------- wrote:
Subject: Greek crisis
Hi there! First time I send you stuff mate but seems I got a big one! This crisis situation in Greece has started pushing people to extreme solutions to make a living. Suppose this fella couldn't afford a truck to carry the remaining car for recycling so he ended up to this!!! The picture was taken at Schisto Avenue near an industrial zone in the outskirts of Athens... See ya!
click to enlarge
Joe wrote:
Subject: Emailing
orsm
click to enlarge

Michael wrote:
Subject: Dos Equis Twist
One of the best twists I've seen of the Dos Equis guy...

click to enlarge
Ken wrote:
Subject: Sanderson, Texas post office bulletin board
Today's news from the Sanderson, Texas news bureau comes from right side of the bulletin board out front at the U.S. Post Office. 1) There's a corn hole tournament at Terrell County Courthouse on November 1. Sorry I missed that. 2) There's a notice that Isidoro Olivares exposes himself to people. We'll be watching out for that.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hurt finger
My friend's daughter hurt her finger while riding her bike. No names, please.
click to enlarge
sony wrote:
Subject: Centrelink worker fail
Photo taken 17/12/2014 at Werribee Centrelink. cheers
click to enlarge
Brian wrote:
Subject: Emailing
gentleman's guide to amputation
click to enlarge
jay jay wrote:
Subject: Great used car ad
Came across this used car add! What a great ad!
click to enlarge
Adrian wrote:
Subject: How fucked up.....
POLICE came to the rescue of Vuyani Kose after angry residents beat him up and set him on fire. The cops pulled the severely assaulted man away from the flames onto the grass. THEN THEY TOOK PICTURES AS HE LAY DYING!
click to enlarge
Andrew wrote:
Subject: funny pic i took
This is a picture my brother had on his wall that his ex girlfriend tried to "ruin" when he dumped her. I couldnt make this shit up if i tried. Its perfect now. Cheers
click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: flow chart for women
Should be hung right above the bed....
click to enlarge
Paul T wrote:
Subject: randommmm....shite.........
Took this photo in Bali.... makes me laugh
click to enlarge
Joshua wrote:
Subject: Emailing
What do you think?
click to enlarge
Justin wrote:
Subject: Emailing
A rare Norman Rockwell print entitled, "Cat Prevents House Fire"
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
box shot, No details
click to enlarge
Rich wrote:
Subject: I had to look.
A couple of Pictures to add to your list of what ever you add them to.
Keep up the good work it gets better every week and try not to stress so much.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: History Lesson via Reddit.com
(Hide my info) I was going through some comments on Reddit and found a very important history lesson that apparently my teachers in school didn't think was worth covering. Who knew?
click to enlarge
Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: Influential musicians
DOnt know if this is true but I'm going to believe it anyway.
click to enlarge

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity.

They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says "Here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know".

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack.

St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute"! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?" St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before".

DOGS ARE A GIRLS BEST FRIEND

click for gallery

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

Brian wrote:
Subject: Maria Elena Boschi signs to serve in the Italian Government
This could only happen in the Italian Government. Where are you Berlusconi? She is the current Minister for Relations with Parliament - truly!!!
click to enlarge
Anthony wrote:
Subject: Knee Surgery
Fell over at the Gym and had to go to hospital, really done my knee this time, check out my X-ray...
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cat looking for a home.
Mr Orsm, Here's a delightful kitty looking for a home. Who says reincarnation is a myth? Please withhold details
click to enlarge
STEPHEN wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Ghetto rear window sticker ...Ha!
click to enlarge
Michael H wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Random Shite Submission. Keep up the good work.
click to enlarge
Ed27th wrote:
Subject: The LOOK...I couldn't help it.
WTF lady....This could feed my village!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: BS on FB.
Getting fucked off with people posting such obvious BS on FB, you know the shit, so called dog baiters and other crap that's easily checked out on Google or Snopes, so I thought I'd try to educate a few of them. Please hide my deets...and keep up the Orsm work, cheers my friend!

click to enlarge

alexandru wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Yammi

click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Above the urinal at a golf course men's locker room . .
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Memories
My mum found an old pic of me in her cupboard. Thought I'd like the memories...
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Annoying BF
Dear Orsm, Lately my boyfriend has been complaining that I flaunt it too much with too much cleavage showing in the tops I wear and it's been getting annoying. So I just thought fuck it, I'll shut him up. What do you have to say now, baby? :P Ha!
click to enlarge

John wrote:
Subject: Random shite
Maybe one for random shite...

click to enlarge
xitz wrote:
Subject: British Police
Apparently there is absolutely no limit to our current state of stupidity ! Who would have believed that after two World wars we would be quite happy to see our historic culture over ridden without so much as a whimper from us ? Two female police officers on duty in London - I KID you not!! We've lost the war people, England is no longer for the English. We let this happen because we are too scared to speak out in case we get labeled as racist
click to enlarge
Pat wrote:
Subject: Random Shit
Local café.
click to enlarge

Ross wrote:
Subject: Drought
Should be put on the political agenda for the next election!! Why aren't the Greens doing anything about this!!!!

click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Getting ready for the Grand Jury's Verdict
click to enlarge
Studly wrote:
Subject: Dickhead Qldr
Hi ORSM, Great site, been a fan for ages and thought I would make a submission. A NSW Blues supporter made a quick comment on a Facebook NRL site recently regarding the refs needing glasses and this is the reply one dickhead queenswanker supporter came up with. All I can say is I think this bloke (Anthony Dallalba from Townsville QLD). Enjoy the rant.
click to enlarge
sfennau wrote:
Subject: gumtree ad
Fremantle Dockers Trophy Cabinet
click to enlarge
Brian wrote:
Subject: Remember Gumby?
Remember Gumby? Gumby condoms
click to enlarge
R.W. Rick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Castle does it Again
click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: For all you horny little Star Wars fans out there
Carrie Fisher and her body double Tracy Eddon getting a suntan in Yuma during the shooting of Star Wars. Sorry to disappoint you but I guess we didn't always see Ms. Fisher on the screen...
click to enlarge
Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: Emailing
this is very cool
click to enlarge
paul wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Saw this on the Gold Coast, thought you could use it.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
biden. No names. Thanky
click to enlarge
Joseph wrote:
Subject: DIY pic for random shite
Hey there, long time reader from Tucson, AZ. Attached is a hilarious photo of somebody's interesting idea for fixing their wiper blades...I was laughing for 20 minutes after taking this...
click to enlarge
Danny wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Go home traffic light your drunk.
click to enlarge
Bill wrote:
Subject: Here's a headboard, by golly...!
Coming soon to a furniture store near you..... Here's a headboard, by golly...!
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge
alexandru wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Pants 1/2 price
uwe wrote:
Subject: stuff for your random shite ?
thats a dress of the colombian bicycle race team :-) greets from germany !
click to enlarge
Brian wrote:
Subject: shower time
Puts a whole new meaning to... I'm having a fucking shower....
click to enlarge

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

Cavey wrote:
Subject: Just butts
Went to this art studio in Bali, the fuck who runs the joint collected all his and hers butts and turned it to art, so he reckons, fuckin joint stank.
click for gallery
Chip wrote:
Subject: want more?
Pumpkin fest Damariscotta Maine
click for gallery
stuff wrote:
Subject: ex gf pics
Greetings! Found some pics of an ex and thought I'd share. Please enjoy!
click for gallery
ape scatt wrote:
Subject: Emailing
click for gallery

Alex wrote:
Subject: A House With A View
A former cargo ship, the Benson Ford, now sits hanging over a cliff on Lake Erie and serves as a holiday home. It originally transported iron and coal for the Ford Motor Company. She was built in 1924, and was decommissioned in 1981 after nearly 50 years of service.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: thought you'd enjoy
LOVE your site. Very interesting stats about the world we live in. Hide the deets please!

click for gallery
Bill wrote:
Subject: tombstone
What's old is new again.... 120-yr-old tombstone in Kansas. This tombstone is actually in the Attica Cemetery, Harper County, Kansas. And this guy died 122 years ago! Things haven't changed!
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Bizarre Medical History
The Time Before Modern Medicine

click for gallery
Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: For Sale
2010 TOYOTA HILUX DOUBLE CAB FOR SALE – EXCELLENT CONDITION & NO RUST+ VERY VERY VERY CLEAN – R 150 000.00 ONCO URGENT SALE
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Cheating bitch
Last pic found on her cellphone. Please hide deets
click for gallery
Kirum wrote:
Subject: School Days
School has become even more amazing with the advent of technology... Merry merriness this season from Kenya ORSM.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Unintentional Inventions.
click for gallery
jay jay wrote:
Subject: pusssy
up close and while she was sleeping
click for gallery click to watch video
Terry wrote:
Subject: pix
here are some pix of a chick I met in a chat room and she sent me these pix. I have vids ill send later. Havnt seen public additions on here for ages guys get behind orsm.net
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Norwegian flash freeze
Thousands of tiny fish caught in the shallows of a Norwegian lake were flash-frozen after a sudden wind gust sent temperatures plummeting to minus 7.8 degrees. While creating a stunning spectacle for now, the fish are likely to cause a feeding frenzy for birds when the ice melts.
click for gallery
Kel wrote:
Subject: This is the biggest load to be moved in West Australia
This is the biggest load to be moved in West Australia. It weighed over 700 tons with four trucks towing and two pushing it on the gravel. They were travelling at 4 Km's per hour on the gravel reaching 6km's hour on the bitumen, the distance to the new mine is 230 Km's they drove up to 15 hours a day taking 6 days to reach their destination (this also included becoming bogged with four front end loaders having trouble pulling it out)
click for gallery
xitz wrote:
Subject: "Rainbow Mountain" Located in China
There are some unbelievable natural formations located all around the globe, due to distances involved, many of us never have the chance to visit these sites. The following photos display a mountain range called "Rainbow Mountain" located in China. The mountains are part of the Zhangye Danxia Landform Geological Park in China, layers of different colored sandstone and minerals were pressed together over 24-million years and then buckled up by tectonic plates.
click for gallery
Benj wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Summernats 2014. Taken with my iPhone.
click for gallery
One Man wrote:
Subject: What are the odds of ever catching this on film??
What are the odds of ever catching this on film?? Neither the pilot nor the skydiver were seriously injured when they hit the ground, according a local Sheriff's Office. Both men were taken to a hospital. The skydiver was treated and released and the pilot was being held for observation overnight.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Old Photos
If you like old photos that have never been seen and history you will like watching the short power point below.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stupid / lucky
ORSM- here's prime examplke of what happens when someone thinks they know what the fuck they are doing, but do not. He tried heading out for a days fishing but ignored the large swell. Next thing it was helooo rocks. Lucky not to be dead. Hide details bro.
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: 1937 Packard Motor Home
This is a sweet ride for today's camper. Check out those huge turn signals and the home protection device hanging on the back wall. It was the only one built. The couple standing by it are the owners. He bought it for $16,000 about 10 months ago. It had been in a garage for many many years. He polished and waxed it and put on a clear coat of paint. Did some minor engine work and it started right up. It has 40,000 miles on the speedometer. He was offered $300,000 but didn't take it.
click for gallery

Justin wrote:
Subject: Python meets Crocodile in Darwin last week
This huge snake is an olive python. It's native to Australia… and like many other animals on this continent, it's pretty deadly. For example: it can just eat a crocodile as a snack.What you see here is the python consuming a juvenile saltwater crocodile.

click for gallery
Bill wrote:
Subject: Car 'advertising' of yesteryear
Absolutely love the Mermaid!
click for gallery
Mark wrote:
Subject: Some great screen savers
Hi Orsm. How about some Photoshop for your readers. Esther Anderson and Natalie Gruzlewski on motorbikes. Will send some more soon.
click for gallery
Lies wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Cell phone
click for gallery
CLoser wrote:
Subject: Dog Shame
I never get sick of these. NEVER
click for gallery
Sum Yung Gi wrote:
Subject: salon
This old piece of crap camper doesnt start off looking like much but I'm sure you'll agree the finished product is amazing.
click for gallery
click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ashes To Diamonds....
Swiss Company Turns People's Cremated Remains Into Diamonds Algordanza, a Swiss company, has taken a fascinating and unexpected approach to emorializing our loved ones who have passed; They will compress and super-heat your loved one cremated ashes and turn them into a man-made diamond that can be worn and cherished. It all begins with a chemical process that extracts the carbon from the departed ashes. This carbon is then heated to convert it into graphite. That graphite is then heated to as many as 2,700 degrees Fahrenheit and subjected to forces as high as 870,000 pounds per square inch. The colour of the finished diamond, which can range from white to dark blue, depends on the boron content of the ashes of the deceased. The prices begin at 4,259 Swiss Francs ($4,474 USD) for a small diamond with no additional service.
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Random Thoughts
Almost Genius
click for gallery

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater. He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man thought this was strange but forgot about it and went down another 20 feet.

There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on. But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet.

When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on. Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear.

The guy writes back, ''Because I'm drowning, asshole!''

PATRIOTS!!

click for gallery

READER MAIL (CONTINUED)

Bjorn wrote:
Subject: VIDEO! street bike fun!!
Hey there, long time follower here, I gave a whole gallery of ex-girlfriend pics way back. figured I could contribute a little more. Here's a little 20 second clip my brother caught of me doin a fly by at approx. 300km/hr while he was driving at about 100km/hr on a rural Canadian highway. my buddy soon follows. (bike up front 07 GSXR 750 straight pipe w/ 2 Brothers can, with PC3 and fuel mapping/tune. bike in the back is 06 Kawi ninja with yosh pipe) hope fully the video work. sorry for poor quality he had to whip out his phone pretty quick after he found out we were coming.
click to watch video
Brian wrote:
Subject: water cannon
this truck is on the road to dampen the enthusiasm of those gentlemen that can't see a problem with urinating in public...
click to watch video
Colin wrote:
Subject: Aussie School Answering Machine
Well... it's about time someone said this! Laugh? Yep, I did!
click to watch video
Glen wrote:
Subject: Aussie Pub Song "The Local"
This song won first place at the Tooheys Great Aussie Pub Song competition at Tamworth Country Music Festival 2012, I reckon it`s a great song for Australia day, Lockley Family Band can be seen on youtube with 3 backyard clips only. Love the site, keep up the variety.
click to watch video
Matty G wrote:
Subject: What did the fox say
Hey orsm, Long time viewer, great site you've got. A mate posted a video to book face, but it was removed, I found it on YouTube by searching "what did the fox say" it's the video posted by Michael Somerville. Well worth a watch and maybe you can work your magic and post in your next update. Cheers
click to watch video
Frank wrote:
Subject: UFC
Anderson Silva vs Chris Weidman 2 UFC 168. "Busted leg!" need say no more
click to watch video
Matthias wrote:
Subject: Emailing
WhatsApp Video
click to watch video
<with held> wrote:
Subject: If you think worthy
I never let go of the two wheeler....
click to watch video

RANDOM SHITE

click for gallery
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Click for more awesomeness

A foursome of men waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet.

Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help". One of the men immediately responded "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.

ORSM VIDEO


Alright guys Ima slip out quietly now but please read on for some answers to important shit...

-Check out the site archives. Not doing so would be like life without titties - pointless.
-Next update will be next Thursday... or at least that's what they tell me!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will cut your dogs legs off. Remember Boxing Helena? Same shit.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and now I'm wondering what ever happened to you know who...? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.07.02-19.23
Boobies

Welcome to telling people what to do.

Not for not trying but it seems there was no chance of this being a fully formed update. Tried and tried but just too many outside, uncontrollable and dare I say it, more important factors at play which have sapped time and sleep. The good news, and there is LOTS of good news today, is that with the time available, I made sure the rest of this update was well and truly up to par... because that's how I motherfucking roll + I'm good to you guys like that.

The other good news is that the first edition of the long-awaited Reader Mail section will return NEXT WEEK. Make sure you swing by because it's going to be a fucking monster and is everything you have been waiting for. Anyway let's start the update with a pile of jokes. Check it...

A woman finds out that her husband is cheating on her while stationed in Saudi Arabia. So she sends him a very special care package. He is very excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of homemade cookies and a USB drive of his favourite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching TV. In the middle of one of the shows, the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees giving his best friend oral sex. After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says "Hi Baby. I want a divorce".
--
We live in Australia and my missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats. Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.
--
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
--
The cruise ship docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70's appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back to the top of the gangplank and shouted "It's okay, mother, you can come down now!"
--
A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. "Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whines. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick" replies the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid car, you haven't even noticed your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my God!" replies the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
--
Dave and his new wife had just returned from their honeymoon and was settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her" Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "No way!!" his bride retorted "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to my mother!"
--
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied. "I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother". "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could".
--
"Get this" said a guy to his friends "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house". "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"
--
Lisa and Frank got married and had a child. The only problem was that the child was only a head - he had no arms, legs or torso. So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body. So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first beer ever. When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out. When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out. After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body. As they left the bar, he was very drunk and was hit by a bus and he died. The moral of the story: quit while you're a head.
--
Two cab drivers met. "Hey" asked one "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?" "Well" the other responded "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other".
--
My girlfriend is into some really strange role-play when we have sex. She always insists on pretending to be 12 years old. I don't get why, she'll be 12 in a couple of years anyway.
--
The party was going really well and the drinks were flowing freely. A man was getting along very well with an attractive young woman and he asked the host "Do you mind if I use one of your spare bedrooms?" "Not at all, Dave" replied the gracious host "the bedrooms are upstairs, but make sure you use the second one on the left". "Oh, all right..." said the man "Why?" "Tom and your wife are using the first one".
--
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish". The fisherman looks around and says "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer". *POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves. His partner slaps him on the chest and says "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"

Click for more awesomeness

UnsexifiedThis Is What Really Happens During A Hollywood Sex Scene - Just CruelInsane Egyptian Tv Show Pranks Paris Hilton Into Thinking Her Plane’s Going To Crash - OITNB GirlsTop 10 Hot Actresses On "Orange Is The New Black" - Much PainGuy Sees What It’s Like To Wear High Heels For An Entire Day—Turns Out It’s Incredibly Painful - Boner PrankA Bunch Of Bikini Models Have To Deal With A Production Assistant Sporting A Very Obvious Boner. They Have No Idea Where To Look! - Original Plan'The Pearl Of The Costa Grande' – Two Friends Get Caught Up In A Comically Dark Bank Robbery - Outdoor SexAllie Haze Gets Shafted In An Outdoor Shower - Want ThisSkye West And Trisha Parks Naked Threeway Fuck - Lela StarLela Star Seduces With Her Massive Boot - Creepy?This Kid Has Crazy Sleight Of Hand Skills And Is Also, Strangely, Creepy As Fuck.

Rick & MortyJoin Rick And Morty On Four Retro-Tastic Point-And-Click Adventures Made By Developers With Very Little Time And Even Less Monsssssssssssssssey. - StrikeforceCommand Your Elite Squads Of Soldiers In The Sequel To The Hugely Popular Strike Force Heroes Series. - PokiesNatalie Portman Sweet Pokies While Strolling Along - VoluptuousValory Irene's Is A True Work Of Art. That's All You Need To Know. - Comin' DownTop 20 Comedown Pics From Glastonbury In The History Of Comedown Pics - Stoned CuntThey're Putting THC Into Almost Anything These Days. Everything From Soda To Body Lotion. What I Want To Know Is How Bad Are The Munchies? - Sharp Shot18 Year Old May Be One Of The Most Badass Sharp Shooters Around - Double-ASome Girls Don't Want Cock... Anywhere But Deeeeep Inside Their Butt... - Slut CopThis Cop Can Fuck Me Anytime She Wants - WreckedMan Flips His Jeep Off-roading And Snaps His Neck

CoolnessTen Gen Is A Fast Paced Number Puzzle Board Game With Unique Gameplay For The Fast Thinking Person In You. - SickeningSomewhere Between China And Insanity, There Is Japan. A Magical Land Where All Your Wildest Nightmares Probably Have A Porn Series. - Eat PussyThese Guys Were Lucky To Witness One Girl Licking Out Another Girl On A Public Bus. This Is Huge Win. - Pls ExplainVery, Very Long Dildo Removed From An Ass Would Have Been Very, Very Hard To Explain - Prego TitsKim Kardashian’s Pregnant Shirt Reveals Those Awesome Jubblie - Got A Smoke?She Just Wants A Smoke. And To Let Her Tits Breathe I Guess. Is That So Wrong? - RidiculousI Would Definitely Be Asking For My Money Back. Those Things Are Ridiculous!! - PatheticObese Woman Got Held Inside A Chicken Shop After Stealing A Gamebo - PainalWell Gee... That's Must Be A Real Literal Pain In The Ass - Ga-BoobLady Gaga Pops Out A Boob Picking Up A Pizza - Miss JulyKayla Rae Reid Is Playboy’s Miss July 2015 And There Is No Guessing How She Got That Gig!

So, I walk in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. I shout "Fuck, seriously?" "I was going to eat that later, now it's just going to taste like salad".
--
Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've come out in spots like cherries on a cake. Doctor: Ah, you must have analogy. A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down". The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy".
--
Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking". The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "No, sir" the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight". "Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?" "We're both alcoholics" says the drunk. "We're on the patch".
--
Little Johnny is staying at his grandmother's house for the weekend with his parents. He walks into their room in the middle of the night and wakes his mother. His mother says "What is it Johnny?". Little Johnny says "Grandma has a shrimpy"! His mother looks at him puzzled. "She has a WHAT?" Johnny says "A shrimpy!" His mother has no idea what little Johnny is talking about. His mother says "Come show me what you're talking about". Little Johnny leads his mother downstairs where his 85 year old grandmother is lying sprawled out on the sofa in her night-gown. Her gown is wide open and so are her legs. She is sound asleep. Johnny says to his mother "Look mummy, Grandma has a shrimpy". He points to her vagina. His mother laughs. "No, no, Johnny, that's not a shrimpy. That's her vagina". Little Johnny looks up at his mother and says "Wow! Sure does taste like shrimpy".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
Click for more awesomeness

TRAVEL HORROR STORIES

-I have no problem with squat toilets, they're fine and, but sometimes things are just weird. In China and Cuba some public conveniences had no doors, no cubicles, no privacy. Squatting over a channel with a toilet attendant tapping me on the head wanting payment for using her facilities was a new and interesting experience. Or there was the pig toilet in an undeveloped part of Goa - a hole in the floor with a porcine snout a few feet from your nether regions. I know it's recycling, but it was a little unnerving.

-My girlfriend and I decided to go from DC to Chicago for Christmas via Amtrak, about a 12 hour trip. The train kept stopping then moving for a bit at a time in the middle of nowhere until eventually we were told the tracks were frozen. The heat went out, the toilets backed up, and the train ran out of food before we finally rolled into Chicago after almost 30 hours.

-When I checked in I noticed plaster had fallen from the ceiling onto the bed and the floor, so they moved me to a new room. One evening I came and found my door wide open, no housekeepers around. My gold necklace and laptop computer were out in plain sight on the desk. A colleague saw a mouse in her room. The air-conditioning could not keep up with the heat so they turned off the air in public spaces like lobbies and hallways, which meant that the doors swelled from the humidity and had to be forced open. The final straw was when I picked up the third quarter of my club sandwich and found a dead cockroach on my plate. This was all in one week at one hotel in Virginia!

-After a week-long trip to Cuba, I was at the airport waiting to board my flight back. A flight attendant accidentally opened one of the doors early and the inflatable slide expanded. We all laughed until we realised the ramifications. As a result of the 'oops moment,' we were stranded at the airport an extra day. The airline actually had to fly in an engineer to fix it. Hanging out in an airport in Cuba with armed guards everywhere for many hour wasn't fun.

-Berlin in the height of summer. Connecting flight cancelled on the runway, so I missed the international departure from Frankfurt to Tokyo. The big problem was the large selection of European cheeses I had placed in the suitcase, which was sent to who knows where. When we were finally reunited the hard cheeses were soft and the soft cheeses were liquid. And the stench accomplished the almost impossible task of completely overwhelming my week's collection of used socks.

-There was that time we had a few hours to wait in the middle of the night at Chennai train station. People were sleeping all over the platforms with rats creeping between the bags and bodies. I stood up the whole time.

-One day, in Northern Israel, the bus stopped at a beach to take a break. Just as we got down to the water, a big wave came in... and brought with it oodles of jellyfish. One big blueish-purple jelly slapped a boy right across the chest as the wave crashed into him. Almost everyone got stung. As it turned out, the jellyfish weren't poisonous, but their stings burned and itched unbelievably.

-Thailand for our honeymoon, hubby got stopped at Heathrow security as he was deemed to be causing offence to other passengers. His crime? Wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a Lego Han Solo and the words "Don't get Cocky!" We never found out what element caused offence but whatever it was he had to wear his t-shirt inside out while in the terminal.

-Stayed one time at the Water Club hotel in Atlantic City. Checked out two days early and came home because horrible service, threats by staff was just too much. Awful! The final threat was that the bar manager was going to beat me up for not tipping on their poor service.

-Trekking in the Himalayas and finding the mountain side had recently been taken out by a huge land slide, a week's walk back down, or we cross. Picking our way across deep, sticky mud praying it won't all start moving again wasn't nice. Despite that, and a couple of nearby avalanches, trekking in Nepal is actually one of my best experiences ever.

-Australian traveller, Erin Langworthy, was bungee jumping off the Victoria Falls Bridge while visiting Zambia when the cord snapped and she plunged 111 meters (364 ft) into crocodile-infested waters below. She was swept down the swollen river, her feet still bound together by 10 meters (30 ft) of rope, and spent 40 minutes in the water, until she finally managed to grab onto some rocks and be plucked to safety bungee employees. It was more than 5 hours between jumping and reaching hospital Despite her lungs being partially collapsed and covered in bruises, she didn't suffer any serious injuries and returned home two weeks later. She had been the 106th person to jump that day.

-On a recent flight from Jacksonville to Newark, I was seated directly across from a very ill woman. This wasn't simple motion sickness either. She was using her complimentary 'bag' before we even began taxiing. The flight attendants asked her if she wanted to deplane but she insisted on staying... and continued to get sick for the entire flight, shaking and lying across three seats. Eventually, the attendants just gave her an industrial-sized black garbage bag. Yuck.

-On a vacation in Key West, my family rented a pontoon boat and sailed out to spend the day at a sand bar. Eventually it was time to sail back and everyone piled into the front of the boat. After a little while, we realised that the boat was moving slowly so we shut the engine off to restart and the whole boat started to tip over - like the front end was completely submerged and the motor was 3 feet out of the water. We all ran to the back, but the water just kept pouring in the front. We started panicking and tried to get the water out whichever way we could. After we'd given up all hope of staying afloat, we realised that the anchor had fallen off the front of the boat... and we were dragging it through miles and miles of endangered coral reef.

-My worst flight was on a trip from Dublin to London. Out of nowhere, the plane took a nose dive... for about eight seconds! I know it doesn't seem like that long, but seriously, count for eight seconds. That's a long nose dive. Passengers started screaming, luggage went flying out of the overhead bins and the lights went out. So scary! I really thought the plane was going to crash.

THIS SHORT HAIRED GIRLS GALLERY IS OUT-FUCKING-STANDING

click for gallery

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal "Let me ask him some questions". The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs..."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets".
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants".

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied "Bubble gum". Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands".

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck". The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..."

ORSM VIDEO


Click for more awesomeness

125 THINGS NEVER TO SAY DURING SEX

Is it in?
That's it?
You've got to be kidding me.
(phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you?
Do I have to pay for this?
Do I have to call you tomorrow?
Oh momma, momma!
Oh dadda, dadda!
You look better in the dark.
This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
I thought that goes in the other hole...
Don't tell my husband/wife.
You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
This sucks.
Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
I think you might get the job for this.
Damn! Is that all you know how to do?
Did I tell you I have herpes?
Now we must get married.
Hurry up, the game's about to start.
I'm hungry.
I'm thirsty.
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Are you trying to be funny?
Can I have a ride home after this?
Are those real?
By the way, I want to break up.
Is that smell coming from you?
Haven't you ever done this before?
Wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
You're so much like your sister...
Your mom's cute.
What's your name again?
Do I have to be here in the morning?
A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
But you just started!
You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
Don't touch that!
Can we order a pizza?
I think my dad is listening at the door.
Smile for the camera, honey!
Take off that damn monkey glove!
Get your hand out of there!
I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
I knew you wore a padded bra!
Cover me boys, I'm going in!
DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
Fire one!
God, that is small!
Hold on, let me change the channel...
Who smells like fish?
Is it OK if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
Your best friend does it much better.
Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
Hurry up, the motors running.
You're fogging up the wind shield.
Can I borrow 5 bucks?
What the hell noise was that?!
Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
You know, you're not really attractive.
I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
What, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!
Stop interrupting me!
I have to take a shit.
Did I leave the iron on?
Your breath is funky.
(start singing Green Day)
Is it OK if I call someone, its OK though, keep going...
Its OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.
God I wish you were a real woman.
Why can't you ever shave your legs?
By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog...
Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... Shit.
Your breast milk is like my mom's...
You're hairy!
Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
Is it OK if I never see you again?
Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
Don't make that face at me!
All of a sudden I have a headache.
You're boring.
I like your tits.
Suck my dick, bitch.
How much do I owe you?
How come we each have a penis?
Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
Just use your finger, its bigger.
Does your family have to watch?
We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
Get off me, I'll do it myself!
Can you hold this sandwich for me?
You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
My mom taught me this...
How cute... Peach fuzz!
Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
Should I ask why you're bleeding?
This is my pet rat, Larry...
If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
I was once a woman...
Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!
Is it OK if I tell my friends about this?
I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
You wanted me to use a condom?
You're no better than my brother!
Mooooo!
Fire in the hole!
I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
OK start... Oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE?!
You ever see Basic Instinct?
I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
You got boogies showing.
(start reciting the 10 Commandments)
I think I just shit on your bed.
Of course I don't love you.
Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

CHICKS LOVE IT WHEN YOU SPRAY IT WITH LOVE!

click for gallery

Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

TRAVEL HORROR STORIES (CONTINUED)

-On a recent flight to Phoenix I scored an upgrade but to a middle seat. As I approached my seat I was shocked to see the woman in the window seat had a toddler and a golden retriever. The dog took up from the wall to the far edge of my seat. He was a service dog and I understand they have to carry him, but I'm not sure it was appropriate to take away my floor space to do it. The woman saw my look of shock and said "Just put your feet on him, he won't mind". You know, because he was the only one that might mind this arrangement for 4 and a half hours.

-British tourist Rochelle Harris was on a flight back from a holiday in Peru in 2013 when she began experiencing a powerful headache and shooting pains in her face. She also began hearing strange scratching noises and had a discharge from her ear. On returning home, 27-year-old Harris paid a visit to a doctor who soon discovered eight maggots wriggling around inside her ear canal. She remembered walking through a swarm of flies while hiking on her vacation and one had been buzzing in her ear, but once she waved the fly away, she thought nothing more of it. The insect was a "new world screw-worm fly" which generally lay their larvae in the wounds of warm-blooded animals. Once they hatched 24 hours later, the maggots chewed a 12-millimetre (half inch) hole in the ear canal.

-The absolute worst happened in Dominica, when I woke up at 4am to see an intruder climbing out the window right next to my side of the bed. He had taken a ladder and broken into our second-floor room while we were sleeping. He must have been in the room for a little while because he had walked all the way around our bed and rooted through our clothes until he found our wallets.

-There was the time I was alone, separated from my dive group, not a boat in site, while scuba diving a ship wreck off Townsville, in an area known for tiger sharks. Seriously terrifying!

-We were in Denver and one of the guys we were traveling with woke up in the middle of the night with a strange, drunk man passed out next to him. Turns out, the guy had forgotten both his key and his room number. When the intoxicated man went to the night clerk to sort things out, he blurted out any number he could think of "and the front desk just gave him a key, no questions asked!"

-There was the rat as big as a Labrador puppy that once wandered through the restaurant in which we were eating in Sri Lanka. "Don't worry, all restaurants have rats, sir" said the proprietor. He was probably right.

-I had the delayed flight horror on one trip from Denver to Ottawa via Chicago. I was squeezed into the middle seat between two football-player-sized fellows who smelled of garlic and last night's beer. We sat on the tarmac for five hours. They wouldn't let us off the plane, would not serve food, or let us stand or go to the bathroom as we were waiting for permission to take off - and the air-conditioning didn't work! The two fellows on either side turned into a bath of sweat. The plane took off, and took a very long flight detour to the south as there were storms in our path. The hot food had long since cooled off. The cold drinks were warm, and the staff finally decided they couldn't serve the food as it was not suitable to eat. Of course, any connecting flights were non-existent on our arrival in Chicago, many hours late. And at the baggage counter, they advised that they couldn't find the luggage of anyone on the whole plane.

-I had THE bag stolen at the airport when we were emigrating. The one with the paperwork, cameras, photos, jewellery and insurance info. It was horrible, very traumatic, it still upsets me now to know that somebody just took my valuables and threw all my family photos in the bin.

-Smudges on white sheets are never a welcome sight, so imagine my horror when I came into my room one evening and found dark, brown-coloured stains wiped on the lower portion of my pillow and the sheets of my turned-down bed. I dared not approach, since there was nothing else in sight to suggest their nature. And yes, I thought the worst - so many people use the same sheets in a hotel that stains could go unchecked. The front desk sent a member of the cleaning staff to investigate. Soon, they uncovered a half-eaten chocolate bar stuffed under the covers.

-Finding a rat curled up on my bed. Worse - this was three days into the trip and they found out later that he had been living in that room for more than a few days!

-I once saw live rabbits being skinned for the pot in a market in China. I can cope with most things, but that had me in tears. I know worse things happen, but I'm a bunny hugger.

-How about the time I was doing sit ups in my hotel room in Chicago. I looked up and found a used condom stuck to the underside of the bed. Immediately called the front desk, which sent up a young guy with rubber gloves to remove the thing. I guess that's what I get for not going to the gym.

-I was traveling from Salt Lake City to Atlanta on a Delta 767. We were on our take-off roll when the pilot jammed on the brakes and brought the whole proceedings to a halt. As we taxied off the runway, the pilot informed us that an engine warning light had illuminated and he had to abort. Back at the gate, the maintenance crew did their inspection and could find nothing wrong with the engine. Maintenance called HQ in Atlanta whose response was to not worry and send the flight on its way. Everyone had a death grip on the armrests when we started down the runway for a second time. Fortunately we flew off without a problem however it took a day or two for my blood pressure to get back to normal.

-Having to eat food to be polite is hard sometimes. Meeting a family of nomads in Mongolia was an incredible experience but I have a strong aversion to milk which made sipping mares milk tea, complete with flecks of blood, pretty unpleasant. The homemade biscuits that came with the tea were good, if full of horse hair. But we were perfect guests, we did what we had to do and smiled politely.

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement "You appear quite elderly to be driving". "Well, yes, I am" she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore".

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore' so I thanked him and left!"

THIGH GAP THIGH GAP THIGH GAP THIGH GAP THIGH GAP THIGH GAP THIGH GAP

click for gallery

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get them to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much".

The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied "but my cucumbers are enormous".

RANDOM SHITE

click for gallery
PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
Click for more awesomeness

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says "Who the hell was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress". "Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours".

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Fred?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier!" she replies.

oi! BACK IN THE KITCHEN!

click for gallery

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?" The assistant asks "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says "No, I probably wouldn't".

The guy says "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied "Because you're in a hardware store..."

ORSM VIDEO


So here we are...

-Check out the site archives. They'll make you wetter than a fat chick on her way to a buffet.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Again READER MAIL WILL BE BACK NEXT THURSDAY.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will oppose in the strongest possible terms literally everything you say.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and grant me sleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


Click for more awesomeness

 

 

orsmfeatured
orsmlinkage
orsmorsmness
moreorsmness