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June 2004...
orsmupdate 2004.06.24-22.55
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Hello boys and girls, small children, women and of course alpha males. Well how the fuck are you all this week? I'm happy to report that despite several attempts to the throw me off, overall I am in a generally happy, upbeat kind of mood. Good for me huh!?

Having said that, sadly there's been a distinct lack of anything exciting happening around me for the last week or so for which I blame a combination of living alone and the weather being relatively shit.

What are you meant to do this time of year anyway? You can't go out drinking every weekend because undoubtedly you will come home a couple of hundred dollars poorer. The much adored summer time cruises aren't an option and rainless weekends are few and far between meaning trips to the dog beach are on hold.

With the completely crappy weather we've been subject to there's a strong desire to stay inside where it's all warm and dry. This generally leads to the problem of trying to find entertaining things to do. These may include one of the following: 1. Waste time on the net. 2. Work/be productive. 3. Watch TV. 4. Watch a DVD.

Admittedly most of them are somewhat sedentary but laziness is a dish best served sitting on the couch so that's fine by me.

The problem with TV at the moment is that there's very little on that's worth watching. I don't know, maybe it isn't rating season or whatever. I'm really having trouble staying interested in Big Brother or pretty much all of the reality genre shows [especially since My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé finished] and as a general rule most of the Aussie made programs really don't appeal to me. I mean come on - does channel 7 REALLY expect us to watch that over hyped All Saints crap?

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Okay before I offend anyone I will say that we do put out a couple of good shows. Merrick & Rosso Unplanned and Pizza [both out of season at the moment] spring to mind but the majority of decent TV comes out of the US. The only two shows I tune in for religiously each week are Oz and The Sopranos. I'm also a bit of a West Wing fan although the latest season which has been and gone in the US hasn't even begun airing here yet which I find to be gayer than two guys taking a bath together.

This pisses me off and is one of the few disadvantages [if you will] of living in Australia. Most, if not all of the time, I know what's happened in these shows after getting so frustrated with waiting countless months for them to be shown I give up and find one of those sites that gives a play by play synopses of each series. This usually goes a long way to helping whet my appetite but it only lasts so long. So where do you turn when all you want is quality entertainment and no one provides it?

The obvious answer would be to head online and fire up one of the many file sharing programs available such as Kazaa Lite or Bit Torrent. A fast internet connection, a quick search and several weeks of persistent downloading can yield an entire series of almost anything you can think of which can then be burnt as a VCD or DVD and watched in the comfort of your own lounge room. Of course such activities would violate strict copyright laws and are therefore illegal which is why I would never partake or recommend anyone run the gauntlet and engage in them...

To be honest if I like a show enough then I am more than happy to buy the DVD however the mind boggles as to why distribution houses don't hurry the fuck up and release things sooner whilst the desire to see them again is still strong.

Pay TV isn't much better than regular free-to-air TV. Almost everything is a repeat and if you haven't seen it then it probably aint worth watching in the first place. Same with DVD's. I swear I have seen all the movies [worth watching] in my local Block Buster store which has led me to stop going there unless I know a particular new release is in.

The funny thing is that I don't really watch THAT MUCH TV as it is yet somehow over the last 26 and a bit years I've managed to squeeze in the time to watch everything and anything and now thanks to the beauty of the internet, find a place to complain about it!

Thanks be also to the internet for being able to deliver straight to your house sites like this and NewbieNudes.com. Newbies never ceases to amaze me in the way they can coax people like yourself & your GF/BF to collectively upload over 500 nude pics a day. If you haven't checked it out - head on over to NewbieNudes.com - you can thank me later...

Finding sites on the internet that are decent is hard. I mean we all know that the internet is full of plenty of zero content wannabe sites which is why it's always a bonus when you find something worth spending some time on. I'm talking about My Free Paysite. This site is truly a cut above the rest - tonnes of streaming vids, tonnes of pics and its all FREE! Check out MyFreePaySite.com now.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Protesting - Saddam's Hidden Weapons - Sand Castles - Silverwood Lake - Fucking USA - Cheap Lambo

Nitrous Explosion - Rubics Madness - 50 Free HP - Jail Rape Calculator

Imagine the fun you could have with an over active imagination and an even bigger supply of post it notes...

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It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem." said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him.

So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!

The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.

This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel. "OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."

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One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

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There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park .One day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they are doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."


It would be so damn cool if I could do shit like this guy does alas I am unable to even ride a motorbike due to a freak accident I sustained whilst scaling Mount Everest as an infant [I don't like to talk about it]. Anyways, check this out - he does some pretty amazing stuff...

Cool Bike Stunts

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A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

And there's a physician here - 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'the Fucking Jew'."

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A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."


Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

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A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine. "Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman.

"How many cows will you be milking?" "Just one," says the farmer. "Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards." I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly. "Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want. Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.

The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?"

"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."

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When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software giants. Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Me respectively.

A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly. Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard".

They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure. Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.

Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Me. To his surprise it was so good and comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft: A PATCH IS COMING SOON...!!

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Tim Baxter wrote:
Subject: Why?
Fuck you for making fun out of this picture.... Tell me what is funny about someone starving to death as a photographer chronicles it like a wild-life film. C'mon you prick.... explain yourself.... what is funny about the picture above???????? This is a step below your satire "The Nigga Family Film" Great moves......... racism..... you can almost get away with that!!! ...... Revelling in a human being starving to death aint funny, it aint satirical and it sure as fuck shouldn't celebrated. Fuck you and fuck anyone who celebrates this sort of humour!

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HL wrote:
Subject: Who? - part II - "The smell of crap returns"
Hi again! Still regarding the Audi A3 crash: I've read that e-mail you transcribed to your page, the one that say that it was "supposed to have happened in Newfoudland", by ve3wno. Well, I've done a little bit of research and I've found evidence that back me up: Link here.

Anyone with an online translator may catch the ideas behind the article. Even the photo is one of that set. I was going to say it happened about 4 months ago, but it happened in February, on Carnival week. So its bullshit the story of 6-8 months ago.

How can someone have shared pics of the crash more than half a year ago, if it only happened 4 months ago?? Smells like crap to me...

Any doubts? -Enhance the right upper corner on the second photo, you'll see on the ambulance "B.V. ESMORIZ", meaning "Bombeiros Voluntários de Esmoriz", which is the equivalent of Esmoriz Fire Department on the english language.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hey Mr. ORSM
How to know you are a party-loser:
1- At parties, you don't get up and dance, instead, you keep laughing about how other people are
2- You check you mobile every 5 to 10 minutes while dancing. Just an excuse to stop moving
3- You keep checking if other people are looking at you while dancing
4- Holding your drink (even after it's empty) while dancing, so that you have an excuse why you aren't moving your hand
5- You keep walking around/between the dancers acting like you were searching for someone
6- You leave early, telling everybody a dumb reason like : "I have to wake up early"
7- Everytime you feel that everyone from the opposite sex at a party is not your "type", and convince yourself that this is the reason why you aren't asking anyone for a dance
8- You laugh at a friend dancing his/her ass off
9- If you feel akward when seeing a couple kissing or making out around you
10- If you want time to pass as fast as possible so you can go back home

Fuck. That's all me. -Orsm

Bruce wrote:
Subject: loved the new update
Sir, an exceptional job done on your latest update! i was especially impressed with your US Navy pix, as I've got two (2) sons serving aboard aircraft carriers, both deployed at the present time, and a son n law in the Navy as well. Please keep up the good work that you do, and I'll continually visit your site!

Philipp C. Haidbauer wrote:
Subject: maybe you wanna post these pics
hi dude. maybe you want to show a picture of austrians best/craziest pilots on your website... me (JOKER) and one of my best friends (DIABLO). we would be proud

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Ryan Taylor wrote:
Subject: Drag Car
Mr Orsm, You weren't at the Nitro Champs at Western Sydney International Dragway last weekend by any chance where you?

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Gábor Zoltán wrote:
Subject: pryceless pics
Hi! I send to you 2 pics. I hope, you'll take these pics on your site (pryceless pics category)! In first picture see girl's left hand! :) The second pic is the "revenge"! :)

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Patty wrote:
Subject: Pic of a biatch
Hey Orsm Master. just wanted to sed you a pic of a german biatch. First she fucked with me and then with a friend of mine. He just sleept after all. Plz, don't show my email address. Thanks. Love your site!

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Mr. Acura wrote:
Subject: whats wrong with viewers pics?
Hello from the USA. last posting PlNOY 123 had 4 pics of his EX. Did anyone else see that he took the pictures off the tv because you can see the reflection of the Flash. Now really pinoy let me ask you a question what video store was the movie from, and when is your high school graduation. This kid probably jerks off so much in the shower when he goes out in the rain he gets a hard on.

Celina wrote:
Subject: please
Im desperately trying to become an internet slut and Im almost there if I do say so myself. I long for the day to see my naked slut self plastered across the monitor for the the world to see. Id be forever yours if youd post a pic of me on your site!!! Its not a nude one but id be happy to send you some of those as well.

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Brad T wrote:
Subject: Orsm Coca Cola Picture
I was bored the other day and decided to create a little something in your honour. Enjoy (no pun intended)

Nice! -Orsm

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Kevin wrote:
Subject: Poor Saab
Last night there was a wind/rain storm in Seattle. My friend took these. Poor Saab got crushed.

Look at the bright side - it was only a Saab. -Orsm

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Ivan wrote:
Subject: burnout fliks
Go Orsm Go! Your doing Perth proud. Here are a few fliks of my mate, steelo's, burnout on the banks of the Swan River. And a cop car from NSW... Keep up the good work.

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A man desperate for sex goes to a whorehouse with only $5 to his name. He approaches the madam of the house who politely informs him that five dollars won't get him anything. He pleads and pleads for sex until the madam finally tells him: "OK, go to room five."

Our horny hero heads over to room five, opens the door and sees this just absolutely beautiful blond girl lying there naked. Without any hesitation, he jumps on her and starts going at it. Five hours later, he's almost done when sperm starts coming out of her ears, her eyes, her mouth.... just everywhere! The guy freaks and runs to the front where he tells the madam what's happened. She yells out, "Can we have a clean up in room 5 please! The dead girl is full again!"

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Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!" The first guys turns around and says, "hey man, shut the hell up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. The guy in back, once again, starts, "Yeah baby... mmm... yeah!" Once again the guy in front turns around and tells the man to be quiet.

So three women come out and start stripping. The guy in back is silent. The guy in front says, "Hey man, where's all your excitement now?" The guy behind him says, "All over your back!"


Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny

Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny

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A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "Its fart Rugby." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7points each".

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 to 7." Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10 each." Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time, change sides."

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As it were, an Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said, "he won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem,"- replied the doctor. -"drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later, but she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear claimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid. Just terrible, Doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!"

"Why so terrible?"- asked the doctor. -"Do you mean the sex was not good?" "No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again.


Another fine RS offering this week and I'm sure you will all agree with me on that too... and if for some reason you dont then ask your mum because let me tell you she was in agreeance with what I gave her last nite...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies (BBQ's). He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for: chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.

Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the good Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.... well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, have sex on demand, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.


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A Kid asks his Dad "Hey Dad, where did I come from?" Dad replies "Okay, we had to have this conversation some day! Listen... Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Cafe. Then, mom did some downloads from dad's memory stick and when dad was ready to upload, we discovered that there was no firewall. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried on doing the upload. Nine months later, the damn virus appeared." The child "Huh?"


A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where - your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit? What law firm do you work for?"

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For such a small update you can believe me when I say a fuck load of work went into getting this bitch together. Plenty of fun though - imagine how many god damn videos and pictures I have to look at to come up with what you've just surfed through!

Thats about all for me for another week. Make sure you tune back in next week for more of the same and I'll make sure I crank out an update. Anyways until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake share the love and visit my wishlist would ya!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.06.17-21.32
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Who'd a thunk it? I've actually come through with the goods and posted a new update just a week since the last one. I'm sure stranger things have happened but I'm yet to be a witness to any of them. Anyway if you're a newbie in these parts then you should feel completely and utterly ashamed of yourself - you're almost four long years behind the play so I suggest clicking the archives link and catching up now!

Before I begin just a quick word on videos on the site. Last update I tried switching back to the old download links which was pretty much a huge waste of time. As expected it didn't take long for the fucktards to begin dispersing links across the net and I noticed a spike in traffic. Not cool. To combat this I have now begun to use the newer, more secure links again. I am aware that some of you have problems with this but for the time being there's not much I can do. If you can't get them to work I suggest fiddling with your firewall settings [most common problem] until they do. There is some useful information on this page and whilst it does relate to images it also pertains to video downloads.

First up I just want to take this opportunity to say that pathetic lame ass political protests are exactly that. For the uninitiated or the abroad I am referring to the incident which took place on Australian Big Brother last Sunday.

Merlin, probably best described as a twink, was evicted from the BB house. Before arriving at the main stage for his interview he tore open his shirt and produced a sign which he had sewn in prior to entering the house that read [or was supposed to read] "FREE THE REFUGEES". Along with this he covered his mouth with some electrical tape and refused to be interviewed.

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What a pansy-ass little bitch. Why bother making a protest if you don't have the stugots to stand up and tell people what you think? Its weak and its cowardly.

It's never made sense to me why people bother protesting in the first place. Ultimately protesting is a group of people with nothing better to do than go make noise some place right? I wanna know how often protesting has actually worked?

If the protest is small - no one cares. People walk right by and ignore it. If a protest is big or violent or whatever then it ends up all over the news and ends up being about what happened and not about the issue.

Merlins little protest is going to or perhaps already has suffered that fate. It was a big thing for some little turd to get up on stage in front of a country and force his opinion down our throats but at the end of the day he'll be gone just as quickly as he came and no one will remember him for what he was protesting... just the fact he actually did it.

While on the topic of Big Brother, I don't understand why people watch it hoping to see some skin, when they can just hop over to NewbieNudes.com and see over 80,000 nude pics of their neighbours anytime they want and for absolutely nothing!

Finding sites on the internet that are decent is hard. I mean we all know that the internet is full of plenty of zero content wannabe sites which is why it's always a bonus when you find something worth spending some time on. I'm talking about My Free Paysite. This site is truly a cut above the rest - tonnes of streaming vids, tonnes of pics and its all FREE! Check out MyFreePaySite.com now.

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Coal Train Fiasco - Greg Nomans Boat - Cheating Ex - The Plucking Song - Happy Tree Friends

Suicide Bob - BMW For Sale - Bush Game - Euro 2004 - No More Maybe - Kenya

I've been informed that there's something about Miriam and I think these pics will identify exactly what that is. Miriam was the hot... lady-boy... that had her own reality show in which she had to whittle a group of guy's down to just one and then reveal to him she had a cock. And here that cock is...

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There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe with big festering pus-filled boils. They were on her face, her arms and her legs... everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.

This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering to pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every one of her boils.

She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this guy was desperate for money and agreed to do the job.

He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it off and revealed her boil covered body. The guy groaned at the thought of the task ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went to work, biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss all over his face.

He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off boils on her inner thighs and inside of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant, covered with blood, pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman laid on the bed a mass of crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.

"Okay lady..." the man said with a gasp, "I did it... now give me the five grand..." "Just a second, sonny..." the woman said with a grin, "there's one more left!"

She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a gigantic boil about the size of a baby's head growing right out of her ass. The man rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell, I've gone this far... only one left... I need the money... what the hell..." and then dove face first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it repeatedly trying to make it pop.

Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart. The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her: "WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY... MAKE ME SICK?!?"

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Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "Yes Sir. See you tomorrow."

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Three guys are stranded on an island and are captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals says to the three men, "I'll give you all one chance at life. You may choose any one weapon or item that I have in my kingdom. You will be set free for 30 seconds and then my cannibals will come after you. If you escape their grasps, you are free to go. If we capture you, we SKIN YOU FOR THE CANOE!!!"

He then asks the first guy to choose. Nervous about making the decision, he frantically runs around the kingdom until he stumbles on a little revolver and grabs it and a handful of bullets and takes off! 30 seconds later, as promised, the chief yells out "The hunt is on!!!".

On that command, hundreds run off into the jungles hunting the man down. In no time they find the man and although he has the gun, there are too many cannibals. They eventually overpower the man surround him and SKIN HIM FOR THE CANOE!!!

The chief asks the second man what he would like and seeing what little good the gun or any weapon would do he says to the chief, "Give me your fastest horse!" The chief grants him that and the man books it out ASAP!!! 30 seconds later, the cannibals pursue the man. With their intense knowledge of the terrain and large number, they swiftly surround the man, who was lost and bewildered, and SKIN HIM FOR THE CANOE!!!

The chief then asks the third man what weapon or item he would like and the man, who had been contemplating a plan to outsmart the cannibals says to him," Give me a fork!!!" The chief amazed and confused at the man's request says," A fork! What are you gonna do with a fork???" The man replies, "Just give it to me, dammit!" The chief then hands the man a fork. The man grabs it, starts stabbing himself all over his body and yells out,

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Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a halt and thought to himself that this seems worse than usual. He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Constable, what's the hold-up?"

The police officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?" The police officer replies, "About 1200 litres, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."



This clip is somewhat confusing in that after reviewing it numerous times I still have no idea if this is a parody or to be taken seriously. To be honest it's hard not to laugh and I am quite sure that most of you will do exactly that. Check it...

ChucKie AkeNz & V-Unit: You Got Beef

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A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the bartender.

The bartender was surprised, but experienced and had learned long ago not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom. He left the ducks alone on the bar with the bartender. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

The bartender decided to try make a little conversation. "Say, what's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey," replied the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?" said the duck.

"Oh, that's nice," said the bartender. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?," he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance another day I'd do the same again!," said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!

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Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy

Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy - Amy

Three Homosexuals are discussing their fantasies. The first says "OOOooow, my fantasy is to be a hair dresser and do nothing but touch people's hair and cut the hair of famous people and wash hair. OOoooow… that would be sooo sexy."

The second says "I'd love to be a top fashion designer and design all the new clothes and have the sexy models model them on the catwalk and have everyone love my clothes. That would be just super."

The third one says "I'd love to be playing in a game of football with the Canberra Raiders against the Brisbane Broncos." The other two say "Is that all?"

Homo 3 replies "Oh not at all. I can imagine it. We're down by one try. There's two minutes left. Laurie Dayley passes me the ball. I run down the full length of the field, dodging all the Broncos. And then two metres from the try line I fumble, drop the ball, the siren goes and the broncos win the game and my team loses"

The other two look dumbfounded. "How is that a fantasy?" they ask. "Couldn't you imagine it?" says #3, "Ten thousand Canberra fans screaming "FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM!!"

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A woman was becoming greatly distressed. Her husband had lost all interest in sex and all the various doctors and specialists they had seen could give no reason. In some sort of sarcastic desperation she wrote to Santa Claus asking for help. He responded by giving her special sex pills. He told her that if she put one pill in her husband's dinner then they'd have a night of fantastic sex. He also warned her never to use more than one. The woman was sceptical but decided to give it a try and, by god, it worked! The woman was so thrilled she used one pill a day for an entire month. One day she thought "Well all this sex has been great, but what would happen if I gave him all the pills at once..." So, completely forgetting Santa's warning she slipped all the remaining pills in her husband's dinner.

Several months later Santa decided to check up on the woman and see how his gift had helped her. A young boy answered the phone and Santa asked how his mother was enjoying the gift. The little boy said "So you're the one who sent the pills... well, Mommy's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Daddy's up in the attic going "here kitty kitty!"

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Three Anthropologists are studying an African tribe. Perched carefully in a tree, they are about to witness tribal rituals never seen before by civilized nations. Suddenly the branch breaks and they found themselves surrounded with spears at their throats. A man wearing a necklace skull and feathers approaches them.

Amazingly, he speaks English. "You have disturbed our sacred rites, for this you must be punished" He looks at the first man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 10 minutes?" The man, thinking that Bunga Bunga is certainly better than death, says, "Bunga Bunga" The Chief throws him across a log and proceeds to fuck him up the ass for 10 minutes. After he is done, the chief says, "You are free to go."

The Chief looks at the second man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 1 hour?" The second man considers his family, and says "Bunga Bunga" The Chief throws him across a log and fucks him up the ass for 1 hour. After he is done, he says "You are free to go." The second man quickly leaves.

Finally, The Chief looks at the third man and says, "Death or Bunga Bunga for 2 hours" The third man thinks that he cannot stand anal sex for that long and says "Death" The Chief looks at with a smile, and says, "Ok Death... By Bunga Bunga!"


John Townsend wrote:
Subject: In response to Scott Murray
The pictures of that girl couldn't be 20 years old. Maybe 10 years, but pictures of that quality wouldn't have been able to have been shown on computers from the 80's. Is it possible that they are older pics? Sure, you never really can tell, but they certainly aren't from the 80's. Also in the first picture, her top seems to be of a newer bikini top design. Just my opinion.

ve3wno wrote:
Subject: Yer Update Joke
HAHA the opener about the wild car ride was read and sent by many nearly 6-8 months ago in this part of the world...... still funny when I read it. It was supposed to have happened in Newfoundland.

Robert Short wrote:
Subject: Red back vs snake
A workmate sent me these pictures...... "Just to let you know we have a redback spider in the house, I think we have the worlds hardest spider... check out what he caught for brekkie. Anyone wanna come over and spray him for me?"

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Christo Muller wrote:
Subject: Dumb Cops
Orsm, Awesome site!! I have a little something that you might want to use. It is an article (in Afrikaans) in one of South Afica's leading newspapers. It reads as follows:

Pretoria - A member of the metro police recently argued in reverse gear after he fined a motorist who's reverse lights was only working when the vehicle was in reverse gear. The astonished Mr Willem Smit from Pretoria could not believe it when he received the R200 (South African Rands) fine.

Smit was on his way from Hammanskraal when the metro police pulled him over to do a roadworthy test on his vehicle. "I gave them total co-operation, because I knew my vehicle was in complete working order. They tested everything. I then got the shock of a lifetime when I was issued with a fine because my reverse lights only worked when in reverse gear!"

Smit tried explaining to the metro police that this is the way all motor vehicles are supposed to work, "they didn't want to listen and said that I should take the matter up with the head of the department". I rest my case...........

Garrett wrote:
Subject: you have the best site on the net!
What's up! Just wanted to drop a line and say how awesome your site is. It must take some kind of genius to keep it up and as ood as it is, and I commend that. There is no better place on the net to rub one out and read a great joke in the process. My respect for the best web site I've ever seen. Anyway here's a picture of my ex. sorry it's not that great... it's sometimes hard to take pictures in the "heat of the moment"

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Bobby Ward wrote:
Subject: can this be?
This grasshopper was captured between Kakamas and Pofadder in the Cape in South Africa...wow.. hope to never run into one of these..lol

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Steve Anti wrote:
Subject: Fort Worden State Park
I was walking through the woods in Fort Worden state park in Washington state last weekend and came across these really old trees. The fort was built during WWII. I had to take some pictures.

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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Bookends for sale
Brought a pair a bookends back from Singapore but my wife wouldn't let me keep them....
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Andrew wrote:
Subject: Prank
Hey Orsm. The other night myself and 2 mates decided to paper mache' a mates car. From there came a bonnet scoop and the red food colouring mixed in the glue. After 10 layers of newspaper 12 litres of glue (flour and water) this is the end result. It took my mate 3 hours to remove it all!!!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Porsche Vs Wall , both lose...
Got some pics which I thought you might appreciate. They were taken one morning in Randburg, South Africa.
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John Murphy wrote:
This is what happens when you shout "Oy! Bawbag" at the above address.
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Virginia G wrote:
Subject: IMPORTANT: Don't fall for this scam!!!!!
What a racket. I can't believe I keep falling for it. Yesterday, one of my neighbors was car-hijacked at a traffic light! A young woman proposes to wash your car window while you wait at the red light, and another one takes advantage of it to open the back door and steal everything she can grab. Be warned, they are very well organized!!! Don't leave your doors or windows open if you drive up to a red light! If your windows get washed . . .Don't look at them, they try to distract you.

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Cerealkillah wrote:
Subject: A stupid bet from Quebec (Canada)
Hey Mr. Orsm, at first let me say that your site is the best thing I've found on the net since , hum, ever! The bee-yotchez, the jokes, the links, it's all good. The best is that every two week, when I hit your site, it's allway updated. Not like those cunt who post once in a while and don't give a shit about thier "customer". Anyway, everyone must say that kind of shit to you, but it's all true and you know it! Ok now, the reason I was e-mailing you at first. Today I placed a bet with my father about the issu of a stupid chess game. I usually beat the shit outta him, but today, I was so focused on my strategy, that the bastard got me in like 6 or 7 moves. Well, can you see the irony on that? I got owned by a bet that I placed myself, while I wanted to make fun of my father... Shit, that was dumb! What's dumber is that I proposed that the loser had to eat a huge turkey egg...Ahhh, so young and innocent. It's like 3 time bigger than a normal egg. Anyway, as Animal Mother said it , "You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?", being the man of word that I am, I broke the egg in the glass. Guess what? That motherfucker had two yolk! I "drank" the first yolk, but the worst was drinking the second cause after the first I knew it was tasting like shit. Anyway, I thought that you would enjoy my humiliation. But hey, at least I'm not sending you pics of my dick like those strange fucks... Anyway...

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Matt Rowlands wrote:
Subject: Madonna film clip
Im sure you, or one of your millions of supporters, have noticed this before but whilst actually watching a whole Madonna film clip I found an interesting tit bit. The song is 'what it feels like for a girl' & when Madonna picks up the old duck from the guest house check out the name of the place....very interesting

Dave wrote:
Subject: this geek got rich!
Hey Orsm, Don't know if you care, but here is some other info on this pic. That car belongs to a company that started 10 years ago here in Minnesota (USA). They started with a couple classic cars with that logo on the side, now they have a "fleet" of VW Beetle's. They all have to wear black shoes, white socks, black pants, white shirts with black ties. They overcharge for simple services like virus removal, and software installs. ;) Oh yeah, and the dude that started is now a multi millionaire...

Click for more awesomeness


Jaded Teens - Downloading Porn With Davo - The Bru - Twelve Fifteen - Negative Shock - C.ubik Force

Revenge TV - Newbie Nudes - My Free Pay Site

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins. She again prays . "God, please let me win the Lotto. I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car if I don't get some money soon."

Lotto night comes, and lady luck is not with her. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light. The Heavens open, and the blonde hears a booming voice: "Sweetheart, work with me on this.. BUY A TICKET."

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A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's big hairy growler. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken (and amused) but manages to some clothes on her, carry her to the car and make a mad dash to the doctor.

The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor heroically offers to perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly whips out a healthy size penis, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"


Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy

Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy - Kimmy

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"


After years of his wife's pleading, this old boy begrudgingly goes with her to the little local church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preachers sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied "Oh thank you sir, but please.... I'd rather you not use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a damn good sermon!" The Reverend said "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at church!" The man said "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!" And the Reverend said, "NO FUCKIN SHIT?

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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see an urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery. "How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the surprised doctor asked. "Well, yes," the woman said nonchalantly, "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

A totally kick ass offering this week but I mean really... what else did you expect? We don't do things in halves around here... well okay the last couple of updates have been halved in size but that doesn't count!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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It is hard to find a joke without a dirty word or two in it. Here is one with none:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

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One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy

Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy - Tammy

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Well folks that brings us to the end of another update and oh how much more enjoyable it is doing them when they're smaller. I guess it's safe to say so far so good.

Anyway until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake show me the love and visit my wishlist would ya!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.06.10-19.31
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Ah yes here we are again and some may say not a moment too soon. This is Orsmnet - a meeting place for intellectuals and porn fiends alike. A place where young and old are brought together by humour, porn and all the things that make life worth living. Oh and one more thing, if your name is Shelly then despite what everyone else says about you, I think you're okay... really.

The first thing you may have noticed this week is that the site loaded a bit faster than usual which funnily enough I don't think I'll have too many complaints about and especially not from you poor bastards still stuck on dial up connections. So why is the site loading faster? Well listen because I'm about to tell you...

I've decided it's time to make a few changes around this place and there are a few reasons for this. I must admit I sort of miss the buzz I used to get when I did an update in the first year or two of the sites life and I want it back. Whilst I still attack each and every update with much love it is ever becoming a chore simply due to how long it takes.

Size of the updates is another factor here as I tend to get a bit over-enthusiastic and keep adding shit. To load the main page alone was almost 1 megabyte which was just ridiculous. The last thing I need is to start shelling out more cash to run the site.

After plenty of thought on the matter the solution seems to be simple. In future there will now be smaller updates.

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Before you click the contact me link and tell me why you think I'm a sell-out you will be glad to know that shorter updates also means I have decided to change to weekly update instead of fortnightly. I'll still be aiming for a Thursday/Friday update day so if you tune in any time around or in between then you should find something new each week.

Note I used the word 'should' in that last sentence - for the time being this is a trial thing for me. The whole concept may prove to be too hard and subsequently crash and burn. If that happens then I guess its back to big ass updates or a complete rethink of everything from the ground up.

I think this has been a long time coming. Not to float my own boat but you could hardly argue that my previous updates have sucked but a change they say is as good as a holiday and Jesus H Christ I need a holiday.

Now, while I am referring to my previous updates, I hope you guys have noted that I am pushing NewbieNudes.com It's not because they pay me shitloads to do so but because it's a kick ass site for browsing girl next door pussy that is really girl next door. So - if you haven't - check it out, the profiles search will even let you find people in your area.

Finding sites on the internet that are decent is hard. I mean we all know that the internet is full of plenty of zero content wannabe sites which is why it's always a bonus when you find something worth spending some time on. I'm talking about My Free Paysite. This site is truly a cut above the rest - tonnes of streaming vids, tonnes of pics and its all FREE! Check out MyFreePaySite.com now.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean..

Stars Without Make-Up - Tiger In Dubai - The Millau Viaduct - We Like The Moon - Porn Blooper

Bowling Fun - Celeb Nip Slips - Ass Hunter - Test Your Brain - Attorneys At Law - Eh?

This story happened about a month ago, in a little town in Victoria, Australia, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale - it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitchhiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and Then realised there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience heust went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realised the guy is crying and isn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other. "Look Bill, there's the 'wanker' that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

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A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it's really phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day", he begins, 'I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Kiss me, kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes" the frog says. "I looked around to see if I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful voluptuous naked woman." She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

"I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger!' "She nodded and snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was so big that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked 'What is your second wish?"

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you by the stream'. She nodded, laid down and beckoned me. We made love right there by the stream for hours!! God I was a love machine."

"Afterwards, as we lay next to each other, sweating from our glorious love making she whispered in my ear, 'You know you have one more wish, what will it be? I looked at her and replied 'How about a little head?"

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Little Johnny boarded the bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and replied, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."

Little Johnny thought for a second then said, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a moment then said, "I am the father of many."

Little Johnny quickly said, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grand children. But, he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father of hundreds and hundreds of people."

Little Johnny sat quietly for a while. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."


This is something that'll spin you guy's out. Innocent Britney has her very own meant-to-be secret sex tape and I have a clip of it right here for your viewing pleasure. One things for sure - this girl knows what she likes!

Britney Spears: Eating Pussy

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

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David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had." "How so?" replies David.

Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."

"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?" david responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."

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A man goes to the doctor's for his wife's test results. Mr. Smith says to the receptionist "I'm here for Mrs. Smith's test results." The receptionist replies "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs. Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows AIDS!"

Mr Smith is shocked "That's awful! What should I do?" The receptionist "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

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Two golfers are out for their Saturday game and half way round they find themselves off of the fairway and in the rough. The first golfer is hacking away trying to get his ball out of the weeds when a little gnome appears and says "you vandal, look at what you have done to my milkweed, you've destroyed it all just for that you will never ever get any milk for the rest of your life" and in a puff of smoke the gnome vanishes.

Stunned the golfer calls to his partner asking where he is "over here in the pussy willows" he replies. "DO NOT HIT THAT BALL!!"


Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari - Kari

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A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequila. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other. "Holy shit!" the bartender exclaims "That the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before - what's the occasion!?!" "My first blow job" the man announces quite plainly "Well" the bartender replies "let me buy you another!" "Listen, if 9 doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help."

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At the 2004 World Women's Rights Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."


The thing about RS is you never know whats coming next. It could be a chick with an awesome pair of boobs, a guy with a 42 inch penis or even a lesbian midget post-op transgender Elvis impersonator. Sound intriguing? Click the damn links and find out for yourself...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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One day a Scotsman, stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "That's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of a small boat too. Suddenly, out of the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He selects one carefully, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Is that ever good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of Scotch whisky?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve and pulls out a bottle of 25 year-old Single Malt. He opens the flask, takes a thoughtful swig and says, "Fantastic!"

Now she slowly starts opening the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, with a glint in her eye, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman falls to his knees and sobs, "Sweet mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too?"

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Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy

Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy - Sandy

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?" asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a good day," says the worker. "Thank you," replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives. The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today." "Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..." "No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is." "Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man. "If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are," says the old lady. "I don't believe it." "Well let me prove it!" "I'm not going to let you feel my balls!" says the man. "Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it." After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. "You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed. "I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.

Bundles of reader mail to get through again this week and always some highly interesting bits and shits to keep you guy's entertained. If you should have something to say, something to bitch about or wanna send something my way then all you've got to do is go here.

HL wrote:
Subject: Who?
Hi there! I'm a long time fan of your page, but first time "caller" (seems like those radio shows, doesn't it?). Your site made me overcome through lots and lots of dull hours...

Regarding those pics of an Audi A3 crash: it happen in my town! That's right, it happen in Portugal, most exactly in Esmoriz, about 300km from Lisbon. It was awful dude; it was aroung 7:30 AM, both guys were coming from a night out having fun, when they decided to go through a street that has no illumination, and low traffic. They were just driving to fast... the car
lost grip, and the result is in the pictures...

Both died instantly. No one knew until a couple of hours later, when the first car passed through the scene. Since that day, both guys family goes to the fatal place and leaves there candles burning in tribute to them. Sad story, just like a call to reality. Leave the races to the tracks.

I only would like to know what dumb fuck made possible these pics enter the web, since they totally disrespect the families feelings. The last thing they'd need is having them on the net... (besides the pics being authorities possession and shouldn't be made public). Maybe you would tell me who was it? Your source? Would appreciate it, just to bitch slap the guy/girl!

For starters, the pics in question came my way at least 30-40 times from random people so I've no idea where they orginated from. Secondly, the reason I post this sort of stuff is not to have a laugh at the expense of the guy's who were killed but to show people what happens when you fuck around. Hopefully next time someone decides to wind their beast out to some ridiculous speed maybe they'll think back to these pics and back off and maybe even save a life. -Orsm

Dean wrote:
Subject: Miniskirts in Freezing Weather
Even on the most nut-freezing-off days I am proud of the way a brave few chicks will still wear itty bitty teeny miniskirts that struggle to cover their wicked arses. I think this is because they know most of the other girls will be rugged up like Everest conquerers and so THEIR hot bodies will have very little competition. Thank God for babes who care.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Here's some pics of a dumb whore that left me after one date. Turns out she looks for new fucktoys everynight, I just happen to be one of em. Hope the viewers enjoy this one!

Scott Murray wrote:
Subject: LYING BASTARD!-- Good pics, but you got fooled.
Dear Mr. Orsm, As always, an amazingly entertaining (and wanker-taining!) update. There is, however, one slight problem. You posted an e-mail, text as follows:

<with held> wrote:
Subject: My boyfriends bitchy friend
Don't identify me please. Here are some photos of the bitch that my boyfriend is sleeping with. Found them on his digital camera. Great site you have btw.

What followed were three pics of a beautiful young lady, which this person claims is sleeping with her boyfriend. As good of pics as they are, they have been in circulation about the net for nearly two decades. They are from an early BBS system, though I can't remember which one, and have polluted newsgroups and peer to peer networks for a long, long time. I suggest you post this loser's e-mail address and let us send him a few words on how we all feel about fooling our good friend Orsm.

SDC wrote:
Subject: consent
I don't think it's right to put up naked images of people without their consent like in the case of tastybrun01.jpg. Honestly there's no justification, it's nothing less than a crime.

Deb wrote:
Subject: <no subject>
Hello Mr. Orsm. Hey, I totally love your sight... cute chicks, great vids and priceless pics too. I know you're a guy and all, and I am bi. Yeah, so what...I LIKE chicks, BUT, dammit, I LOVE cocks and great looking guys even more. So, in light of this, maybe you can have some links or pics of guys too...preferably without all the fucking popups. Hate them stupid shitty ass things. It's the only thing that keeps me from clicking on all the links ya got. I love a lot of what you make available. Aussies are great folks. My friend Gary lives in Secret Harbor, WA with his GF. He has sent me pics from your sight...love all of them!!!

I'm thinking bout doing an 'all sex' update in coming weeks. Stay tuned. -Orsm

Ejtexp wrote:
Subject: <no subject>
I think there should be a section for the one handed surfers with different masturbation techniques to try and every one should put in any they have to make it easier for you. Please don't use my name.

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Look What Saddam Had in a Fuel Truck
Oh but wait!!!! They can't find any WMD's!!!! You know - that stuff the world said he had - that gathered together could be stored in a trailer or a fuel truck . . . Hmmmmm That sneaky bastard!! More of Saddam's treasure found...

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Ron wrote:
Subject: Physics911.org
This web site needs all the exposure it can get ASAP. http://Physics911.org/net/. The experts compiling the facts and data for this site are qualified to excess. The world needs, and has a right to examine and continue to access this study. I reasoned from the instance of 911 that morning that the incident had all the tracers of a US covert opps. Bush is no more or less a fucking war criminal. Widespread exposure of the findings you should scan could prove an invaluable asset to bring the world concensus to bear and drag that bastard to the Hague for trial. Could you perhaps post a link?

Dusty wrote:
Subject: for shite
Greetings oh great and ORSM one. Just looking to have some of my shit immortalised in random shite. This is what you can buy duty free at the Brisbane airport. Mmmmmmm tasty! take care.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
heres a pic of a lady i have cybered with and she sent pic and she was the best i have come across please do not use name or emial
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Matt Rowlands wrote:
Subject: just shit.......
Hey Orsm, Have been a long time fan of your site, keep up the good work. Got a bit concerned awhile back when I thought some of the pictures were being repeated, I suppose there are only so-many pictures available on the net. Anyway, wont take up too much of your time, I'm sure you are busy doing the next update. Have sent you a pic of my two wheeled pride and joy, include it on the site if you wish, but not any of the details, thanks. How about some more photos of hot cars/bikes with hot chicks! That Holly Ryder set was awesome (no pun intended)

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simp wrote:
Subject: Hey Orsm
wat up man. GREAT fuckin site, keep up the good work. heres some pics from a party we had... hope u enjoy em!

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Ross MacPherson wrote:
Subject: Work Piled up....
Dear Friends, I sincerely request that you stop sending me e-mails for a couple of days. I have a bunch of work piled up and I need to get to it as soon as possible. I will eventually answer all your e-mails and phone calls but for the next few days I will be completely buried in work. I know some of you are thinking that's not possible so I included a photo of the pile of work I have ahead of me. Wish me luck.
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This Guy who owns a porno shop and has his friend watch the store while he runs some errands. While the owner is away in walks this lady. She walks up to the counter and asks "How much for that pink dildo up on the shelf" The guy replies $25. She said "I'll take it"

A few minutes later in walks this brunette. She walks up to the counter and says "How much for that purple dildo up on the shelf. The guy replies $50. She said "I'll take it".

A while later in walks this blonde. Her eyes got as big as saucers. She walked up to the counter and asked "How much for that big silver dildo on the shelf" The guy replies $100. She pays him and leaves.

In walks the owner and asks how was business, and his friend replies "I sold the pink dildo for $25, I sold the purple dildo for $50, Then I sold your THERMOS for a $100".

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A young couple dies just before their wedding, and they go to heaven. St. Peter greets them at the Pearly Gates and asks if there is anything he can do for them. "We want to get married," they reply. "I'll see what I can do," St. Peter says.

Centuries pass, and they don't hear from St. Peter. They wait impatiently, until one day he returns to them with a priest. They get married. Years later they get bored of marriage and realise they hate each other. They approach St. Peter and ask him to get them divorced. "Hell no," he shouts. "It took me long enough to find a priest in Heaven, and now you want me to find a fucking lawyer?"

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Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks "How was school?" Little Johnny replies "I had sex for the first time today!" Little Johnny's mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to his room and wait for his father to get home. Later, Little Johnny's father comes to his room, sits down and says "Don't tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn't it?"

The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks "Did you have sex again today, Little Johnny?" Little Johnny replies "No, my ass still hurts from yesterday."


There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked "What was the problem?" The elderly manreplied "Well, you see I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand... nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... STILL nothing!"

The doc was shocked "wait a minute... you mean your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man said "Yeah, and no matter which way we still could not get the bloody lid off of the specimen cup!"

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Well folks that pretty much winds up this weeks update. All up it was roughly half the size of previous updates and a shit load easier to manage too. If you guy's have got any feedback or just anything to say in general then you may do so here.

Oh before I go - to whomever it was that got me La Femme Nikita on DVD from my Amazon Wishlist you are a bloody legend! Have been hanging out to see that again for ages so thankyou very much!

Anyway until next time be good, stay off the chem's and for god's sake make my god damn day and give a little would ya!? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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