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November 2009...
orsmupdate 2009.11.26-23.13
Lichelle Marie has a beutiful vagina don't you think?

Welcome to Orsm.net. This one goes out to... the ones I love.

I always hate the Thanksgiving Day update. First up, Aussie's don't celebrate it so while you Yank's are busy stuffing your faces with turkey and beer, I'm busy working my bunghole off. Surely you would agree this is unfair. Second, it's that one out of 50 updates for the year which feels totally pointless because the mad influx of visitors which would normally begin minutes after the new update goes live feels more like the enthusiasm a fat person shows for salad.

Anyway with this being the case I hereby invoke an ancient Orsm tradition which dates back to this day in 2008 - the Reader Mail section was shelved for a week thus allowing me some free time to give thanks after all. The only difference is this year RM has survived and it's my inane blog which gets the dick. Trust me folks this is better for everyone. I've been ridiculously busy but practically none of what's been shaking is either a) blog-worth and/or b) for public consumption. Sounds almost covert huh? I assure you guys it really isn't. Someone remind me this time next year and I'll fill you in but in the mean time put on your rubber gloves, grab a box of tissues and check it...

MyFreeCams.com

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Take A Risk - Babes Pranked - Unfknblvbl - Make You Drool - Boobie KO - Bikini Godess - Big Booty Hoe's

Brutally Honest - Beyonce's Butt - I See Nipples - The Gay's - Pirelli Calendar - Tasty Lacey - A Friend You'd Fuck

Insane-Go-Round - Queen Of Porn - Sneaky Robber - 'Wire' Quotes - Sexercise - Tera Patrick - Matrix 1909

Click for more awesomeness

Dear Grim Reaper, So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett. Just so you know, my favourite politician is Kevin Rudd.
--
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little twelve year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman says "Hello son. Is your mum or dad home?" Little boy says "What the fuck do you think?"
--
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

ORSM VIDEO

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!"

JESSICA VALENTINO
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An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.  At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen."

ORSM VIDEO


Four old retired guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says: OLD TIMERS BAR - ALL DRINKS 10¢

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."

Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old Jew's. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price."

GOD GAVE US SUMMER FOR ONE THING: BEACH BOOBS
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An old Australian stockman sat down in a city McDonald's and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the stockman and asked, "Are you a real stockman?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking-in horse, droving cattle, riding in rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, marking and branding calves, cleaning hay sheds, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so, yeah, I guess I am a stockman."

She said, "Well I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women".

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old stockman and asked, "Are you a real stockman, like, from the outback?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

AUTOMOBILIA
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READER MAIL
Want to submit stuff to Reader Mail? Honestly I don't care what it is but nothing would makes me happier than an overflowing inbox. So if you've got anything - ex-girlfriend pics, girlfriend pics, fucked up videos, jokes, random images, car stuff, holiday snaps, whatever - then send it my way! All you must do is click here and make the emaily sendy thingy happen.

OK2BGAY wrote:
Subject: United Airlines makes a bad move.
A musician named Dave Carroll recently had difficulty with United Airlines. United apparently damaged his treasured Taylor guitar ($3500) during a flight. Dave spent over 9 months trying to get United to pay for damages caused by baggage handlers to his custom Taylor guitar. During his final exchange with the United Customer Relations Manager, he stated that he was left with no choice other than to create a music video for you tube exposing their lack of cooperation. The Manager responded: "Good luck with that one, pal". So he posted a retaliatory video on you tube. The video has since received over 5.5 million hits. United Airlines contacted the musician and attempted settlement in exchange for pulling the video. Naturally his response was: "Good luck with that one, pal". Taylor Guitars sent the musician 2 new custom guitars in appreciation for the product recognition from the video that has lead to a sharp increase in orders. Here's the video.

Billy wrote:
Subject: Obama Free Phone ! Really!
Another cause of the country going broke. I had a former employee call me earlier today inquiring about a job, and at the end of the conversation he gave me his phone number. I asked the former employee if this was a new cell phone number and he told me yes this was his "Obama phone." I asked him what an "Obama phone" was and he went on to say that welfare recipients are now eligible to receive (1) a FREE new phone and (2) approx 70 minutes of FREE minutes every month. I was a little skeptical so I Googled it and low and behold he was telling the truth. TAX PAYER MONEY IS BEING REDISTRIBUTED TO WELFARE RECIPIENTS FOR FREE CELL PHONES. I wonder if the government will be giving them to prison inmates and GITMO terrorist prisoners when they get to the States. Don't believe me....open this link!

OneMan wrote:
Subject: 747 departing Amsterdam....
EVA Air Boeing 747-45EM taking off from runway 36L at Amsterdam-Schiphol (AMS / EHAM) (Netherlands). The great timing and angle just makes this shot, and the size of the 747, looking quite surreal. Someone must have changed his underwear after this one. The distance to the fence was 145 meters (475ft)... I wonder if anyone computed the takeoff distance prior to the trip?
click to enlarge

Micah wrote:
Subject: submission!
This is why black people are awesome.

I heard he wanted to fit 28's but was worried it would look ridiculous. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pic
Hey Mr O, Been a fan for many years and love your stuff. Just to let you know that here in Scotland we have been working hard to provide all men and some women with easy access to their sexual needs, so we now sell it in a can and believe it is the way forward. It was spotted in a cash and carry for sale in bulk!!!!! Cheers
click to enlarge
Luke wrote:
Subject: Unexplainable photo
Dear Mr Orsm, This isn't my first email, or my first photo contribution. Whilst browsing through facebook I found this and really don't know what to make of it. Sometimes the only thing to do with a picture like this is to email it to Orsm.net, because it is a common known fact that anything posted on Orsm.net makes perfect sense, no matter how illogical it is. Cheers for the years of lols and boners.
click to enlarge
malcolm wrote:
Subject: best bumper sticker ever
On a recent trip to melbourne i parked behind this car. Dont know the owner but seems like he would be a top bloke......Nothing wrong with letting people know your prefered method of birth control right?!
click to enlarge
Barry wrote:
Subject: sign
Saw this sign the other day when I was walking around the neighborhood. Thought you might find it amusing. Not so amusing was the sign on the door that read "Closed due to owner death". You win some you lose some...
click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: USA Sticker
A piece of oilfield drilling equipment we use in Queensland, came from USA with this sticker on it, hide the details

I see stuff like this and wonder why the US economy is screwed... -Orsm

OneMan wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Big snake

They won't be laughing when it swallows that shild. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: This Mornings Twister
Twister in NT. : ) LOVING THE WET SEASON!
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Alpinestars!
Why you shouldn't ride dirt bikes!!

Jesus tribute gone wrong? -Orsm

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Mike wrote:
Subject: I don't normally but this makes you think ...
When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard...
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: DON'T FLY AIR CHINA...
A pilot for a Chinese carrier requested permission and landed at Frankfurt, Germany for an unscheduled refueling stop. The reason became soon apparent to the ground crew: The Number 3 engine had been shut down previously because of excessive vibration, and because it didn't look too good. It had apparently been no problem for the tough guys back in China... [continues]

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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Pictures from a gunfight
Aftermath of a gunfight in the US.. Graphic Mexicans perhaps ? WARNING GRAPHIC PIC'S

Apparently this is how they deal with people who park illegally. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of the girlfriend
my girl loves to show off and likes to see herself online. keep the info private and enjoy

Excellent. Give yourselves a pat on the back. -Orsm

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Spoon Mum wrote:
Subject: Trekking around
today's trip to Pyramid Hill & Python Pool in the Millstream-Chichester National Park, just east of Karratha :)

Quite spectacular but probably far, far too hot out there for a normal person. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: SEX TAPE WITH GIRL I WORK WITH
LOVE THE SITE GREAT MATERIAL!!! HUGE FAN!! THIS IS A SHORT VIDEO I MADE FUCKING A GIRL I WORK WITH!! HER FIRST NIGHT ON THE JOB TOTAL FREAK! HIDE INFO PLEASE
click to watch video
Nathan wrote:
Subject: underground explosion
hey man, i have been checking this site out since 2001 and i thought i better send a worthy vid. i work in melbourne, drilling and blasting tunnels for new sewer systems. Heres a blast vid with about 40 devil detonators in sequence, we set up a light on the face so you can see the 'burn' fire out of the middle first enjoy..... keep up the filth.
click to watch video
Shane wrote:
Subject: 4 Man Bobsleigh Crash
4 Man training at Park City (Utah Olympic Park)... Check out our 4 man crash from Saturday's training.... The guy at number 2 seat was a bit worse for wear after the crash, but the rest of us were fine. Cheers for now
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick any night."

DANI WOODWARD
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Paddy and Murphy stumble out of a pub at about 4:00 in the morning. They stagger to the nearest lamppost and lean against it when along comes a policeman. Paddy pipes up, "A'scuse me, ossifer, but I wonder could you tell me if the last bus to Dublin has left yet." The policeman replies, "Of course it has. It's four o'clock in the mornin."

Murphy then weighs in and says, "Sorry, sir, but I be wonderin' if the last bus to Galway has left yet." The officer again replies, "Of course it has! It's four o'clock in the bleedin' mornin'!"

Paddy then starts up again and asks, "Could you tell me please, ossifer, has the last bus to Cork gone yet?" The policeman is really irritated now so he shouts, "It's four in the bloody morning and all the fookin' buses have gone!"

And with that Paddy turns to his friend and says, "Okay, Murphy, we can cross the road now."

RANDOM SHITE

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies. "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again,
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

FALLAS FESTIVAL IN VALENCIA
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A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, she's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet. A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. Just then her mobile phone began to emit a 'BEEP BEEP BEEP'. The little boy yelled out, "Run for your fucking life everyone! She's reversing!!"

ORSM VIDEO


Okay well I am utterly destroyed after that... don't ask me why... I don't have all the answers... but what I can tell you is:

- Check out the site archives. You'll do it if you know what's good for you!
- Next update will be next Thursday. Unless they kill me...
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET. Ray can still fuck off because he's a faggot.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and have a happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.11.19-23.08
Boobies

Welcome to Orsm.net. Deep down, if I'm being honest with myself, I don't really respect mass murderers.

Awww Thursday. Huggles. So how the hell is you all? I'll assume great... now that you're here. I'll assume excited... now they you're here. I'll assume aroused or envious... since reports of my massive penis went global.

Think I'm stuck in a nostalgia phase. Found this yesterday. Was our favourite cartoon growing up and must have seen it a million times but haven't thought about it since I was a kid. This follows on from finally figuring out the name of a movie I've been looking for since forever. All I remembered was one particular scene about a boy with a weird family, whose sister didn't have a mouth. Pretty vague but in less than two minutes and with thanks to the IMDB forums I had the title. Another that I knew the name of but couldn't find/buy/see anywhere until recently [thank you internets] was Frog Dreaming. Always wondered why such an awesome kids movie never made it to DVD and after tracking it down online now know... comments and language that by today's standards would be deemed far too racist. For instance you just can't say abo's instead of aboriginals anymore.

I suppose this puts on hold my sci-fi search from a while back. There were some stellar must-see suggestions of which I'm still slowly working through, my favourite of which was definitely Firefly. Anyway with this in mind I'm wondering who can come up with some long forgotten films from the 80's? Stuff that you adored as a kid only to never see it since. Email me - I'll try and get a list going.

Moving on to my weekend, my life. Thought it would be a smart idea to do my weekly shopping a bit earlier than usual and as it turned out I'm not the only smart person out there. Matter of fact at the local behemoth shopping centre even at 10am there were far more smart people than car bays so after 10 minutes of driving circles I bailed and went elsewhere. It really shouldn't be so hard to buy toilet paper and apples.

I suppose this signals the beginning of the Christmas season. Countless bodies cluttering up malls everywhere with one goal - to fuck me off. Well mission accomplished. You win again, Santa! It obviously also means that once again I've left my run to sort presents for 'loved ones' before retail insanity sets in, too late. This may be a good time to experiment with Ikea and Bunnings gift vouchers. "Oh I didn't know what to get you so I'll let you decide..."

Anyway from there I went to a local shopping centre. Nothing overly remarkable about the experience except for a promotion happening in the car park - a bunch of guys carrying aerosol cans, running after people walking to their cars attempting to demonstrate their revolutionary cleaning products. I literally had to argue with the guy not to spray the shit on my car. According to him being fanatical about washing my car and having tried every single product on the market since I was 17 does not qualify me to know what I'm talking about. However making $6 an hour chasing people around a suburban car park does him. Go figure.

We went bowling that night. Don't laugh - not my idea. Number one: don't really enjoy things I'm bad at. Number two: it's bowling. The thing that surprises me however is the popularity. If you don't pre-book, you aint bowling. The place is wall to wall of families, teenage boys and girls dressed like Miley. Amazing how high-tech it's all gone too. The computer scoring thing is fast, tells you the ball speed, even shows video replays of the pins going down, there's projector screens over every lane, special lighting - it's decked out. My point... there's shit loads of cash in bowling alleys or the owner is just really passionate about bowling.

Sunday. Up early, cleaned aforementioned already relatively clean car in record time of 1:20mins [another benefit of not smoking] and sat down at the damn computer for the rest of the day. Probably the biggest, most egregious waste of what was a spectacular Sunday possible BUT in my defence I had no choice. The next three weeks are going to be mayhem so it's a choice between no updates or no weekends. I hope you ingrates fucking appreciate it... hah I know you don't so the jokes on me.

Alrighty then... I feel like that's enough for one blog. Seems like a wasted couple of hours writing it when everyone scrolls past the damn thing but let's be honest here - without my words millions, possibly billions would have nothing in their lives. So umm... check it...

MyFreeCams.com

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

Play Poker - The Funk Off - Sophie Monk - Wedding Crasher - Hero Babes - I LOL'd - This Is Cool - Blonde Blo-J

Amazing Costume - Perfect Boobs - Demolition Fail - Flexible Sasha - Lame Gamer - Emanuelle Bikini - Jenna Presley

Fucking Scary - Disney Babe - Beard Champ - Fuppets - Carmen Electra - Tay Sells's Out - Twister! - Almost Genius

Click for more awesomeness

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." "Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born - couldn't walk for a year!"
--
Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of terrorists didn't realise what a virgin really looks like.
--
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?" "About 2,000 feet," the eagle says. The mouse replies, "2000 feet!? You ain't shittin' me, are you?"
--
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the mountains of Canada. The first morning in the cabin, he awoke and stood by the window admiring the scenery. Suddenly, he noticed a huge animal walk by. "Och, Whut's Thaaat?!" he asked. His Canadian friend looked out the window, and said, "Oh, that's a Moose." "Och! If thaaat's a moose, hoo big are yoor cats aroond here?"

ORSM VIDEO

Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

SHAY LAREN
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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, I feel fine."

"What about the wooden Leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the Pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, a lost the leg, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight and my hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"Well what about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

“Now I know you're kidding me," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit." "It was my first day with the hook."

ORSM VIDEO


A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."

The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute.

The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.

The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is." The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either!"

RETIRED SPORTSCARS
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple"

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, woman!? Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you fucking crazy!?" She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

INAKADATE RICE FIELD ART
click for gallery

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READER MAIL
Reader Mail is an invisionary concept first introduced on Orsm which has been copied and rebranded on websites and in publications the world over. Essentially it relies on readers to submit interesting and thought provoking videos or pictures of ex girlfriends in compromising positions, friends doing foolish things, anything car related, mayhem and destruction, jokes - literally anything which can be emailed, hurled or willed my way. Contributors can remain anonymous whilst having their works immortalised forever in the Orsm Archives. And how do you do this? Simple. Just click here.

Stuart wrote:
Subject: Irish Soccer Insider
LOL. These look genuine enough. They can't be though, can they??!!! I know the Frog is a short-arse, but this is excellent. The letters were leaked today showing a major breakdown in communication between the French Government and the Irish over the upcoming World Cup qualifying play-off. There's now a full-blown diplomatic row brewing.

Maybe this is why the French cheated...? -Orsm

douglas wrote:
Subject: 21st prank on google maps
hey dude this is what my mates dad did on his 21st  put these cordinates into google maps and zoom in 15kg of flour was used in the making of this... 27 26 36.49 s 153 09 06.74 e

Unlucky for Matt. -Orsm

Ben wrote:
Subject: Re: reguarding: This Is WRONG
Remember the fatass that ate the pizza rolls? Well I was watching Tosh.0 on MTV and I saw you know who again. Check this out if you can.

So so wong. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: HIROSHIMA - 64 YEARS LATER...
Looking at the photos of "Hiroshima" it was obvious to me that those are actually photos of Yokohama. Most notable is Landmark tower, the clock ferris wheel. You can see this view from the Minato Mirai 21.

Had a couple of images about this. Seems to be true.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wogs...
Hey Orsm, haven't written before, long time reader, great site, keep it up, blah blah. Just thought I'd point out to one of your readers that 'wog' is a perfectly correct derogatory slang term for Arabs/Lebanese, North Africans, basically any dark skinned types from somewhere in Africa or Asia.

I too have a word that describes everyone. Can you guess it? Here's a hint: starts with a 'C' and ends with 'unts'. -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Huge Barra
ORSM. Love the site. It's not a barramundi it is a Nile Perch caught out of the Nile scales on a Barra that big would be the size of a dinner plate these photos have done the rounds for about 10 yrs.
click to enlarge click to enlarge

Matthew wrote:
Subject: Clarkson Bulk Rubbish - PC Collection
As seen by a mate in Clarkson on the way home from work. Who could possibly have that many spare computers???

A super hacker... I'm sure there's millions of them in Clarkson... -Orsm

Mike wrote:
Subject: Deer loses head-butt with lawn ornament
A love-struck buck ran out of luck a week ago. The seven-point buck was killed when it rammed a 640-pound concrete statue of an elk. Bucks often fight during the breeding season, commonly called the rut. Dominant bucks defend breeding territories and female deer by sparring with subordinate bucks. Antler battles sometimes result in the death of one or both deer, but usually end with the biggest buck winning and the smaller buck high-tailing it out to another area.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: hey
i would like to stay anonymous if at all possible thank you. this is one of my ex girlfriends

click to enlarge
Rich wrote:
Subject: Family Guy
Don't you just love it when the banner adds work out so well with the story?
click to enlarge
Taz wrote:
Subject: For Reader Mail
Hey Orsm, Long time fan, first time poster. I live in Ottawa, Canada and since its the seat of the federal government and the capital of Canada, most people call it the "Town that Fun Forgot". Well it looks like someone decide to rectify that with this addition to one of the local signs. Quite the professional job. Keep up the good work.
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Toilet
Mate! Was having some food at some jetty at some remote island North of Borneo (Malaysia) when I really had to go... But when I saw this, aarggh, I would rather shit elsewhere. rgds/Long Time Reader

Isn't this the shitbox from Slumdog Millionaire...? -Orsm

click to enlarge

Gordon wrote:
Subject: Roast Turkey Recipe
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.......... Here is a recipe I thought you would like for the holidays. Ingredients: 1 whole turkey, 1 large lemon, cut into halves, salt and pepper to taste, butter or olive oil, whichever you prefer, Heat oven to 350 degrees, Rub butter or oil over the skin of the turkey until it is completely coated. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and any other seasonings you prefer. Take a knife and gently separate the skin from the breast meat. Slide lemon halves under the skin with the peel side up, one on each side. This way the juice from the lemon will release into the breasts. Cover and bake for 30-45 minutes. Remove cover and continue to roast until juices run clear, basting every 15-20 minutes. If you've followed these steps correctly, your turkey should look like the one in the picture. Bon Appetit!

click to enlarge
Miss J wrote:
Subject: funny add i found
hey there mr. orsm just wanted to share this with you my local newspaper printed this and i think they may not have looked at the business title properly, really funny.. PS: love the site
click to enlarge

patrick wrote:
Subject: Just plain wrong headlines
I think these militants need to change their name...

I have to imagine that the MILF look something like this. -Orsm

click to enlarge
click for gallery

The_Shitman wrote:
Subject: Dear Mr Orsm
I have visited your site so long I don't remember when I first saw it. I think its been well over 7 years but I could be wrong. I want to submit a few pictures here. I would like to submit this picture of my ex girlfriend who left me because I took up a very unique form of art. After taking several art classes at college I was inspired to try my hand at fecal art and have been hooked ever since. It has gotten me banned on the poopreport forums since 2002 but I could not let that stop me. Please feel free to not hide my info as I'm an aspiring artist!!

Holy fucking shit?! She really left you because you found a calling in fecal art? What's her fucking problem? What a bitch! Don't worry though - you'll have the last laugh when poop art hits the mainstream and you become famous. -Orsm

OneMan wrote:
Subject: Broken Brakes
Customer Reported Some Brake Fade ?

This guy is driving behind you in traffic... -Orsm

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Hello
Hi. I saw the sky burial pictures in one of your last updates. I have traveled through the same town (LiTang) in western China. Here are some photos. Unbelievable how many vultures there are. The body is gone in about 10 min. After that the "butcher" smashes the bones with an ax and feeds it to the birds. Usually the family sits just a few meters away, drinking tea and having flat bread.
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V wrote:
Subject: You'll love this
Perhaps there is some connection here with why some people and dogs are attracted to each other Syria and Roscoe live at the Tigers sanctuary in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.The orangutan was in the rescue center and was not doing well. This old hound wandered in truly emaciated and the orangutan took to him the moment the dog arrived. He stayed with the hound night and day until he was well and during the process found a reason to live. They are now inseparable. A dog's not just a man's best friend, he's an orangutan's friend too.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: skanks! Jager Bombs!
I've enjoyed your site for a long time. Thanks!! Here are some photos of a skank-hoe showing her goods off at Hanging Rock state park outside of Greensboro, NC USA. Enjoy!! Hide info...

Umm... wow. -Orsm

click for gallery

glenn wrote:
Subject: BANG aka KaBoom aka Revolver Mishap
Hey there got this email from a friend this is the reason you study how to reload ammo for handguns and firearms of all kinds hope to see this in the next update! A little reminder"DO NOT RELOAD AMMO FOR ANY FIREARM UNLESS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!!!" p.s. The guy got lucky this could have very easily killed him!

click for gallery
OneMan wrote:
Subject: Coffee with Mona Lisa??
Artist assistants stand next to 3,604 cups of coffee which have been made into a giant Mona Lisa in Sydney, Australia. The 3,604 cups of coffee were each filled with different amounts of milk to create the different shades!!
click for gallery

Mark G wrote:
Subject: Sculpture By The Sea in Sydney.
Hi Your Orsmeness, I went to the Sculpture By The Sea free open air exhibition the other day. It's held in parks and along the path between Bondi & Tamarama Beaches. There were lots of interesting shapes there. Gotta luv Sydney!

Absolutely sensational. I'm adding you to my will. -Orsm

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click to open PDF click to open PDF

Ewart wrote:
Subject: Ft. Hood Massacre
inside Ft. Hood & what dune-coons think of humans

The play by play was interesting... not sure that all muslims could be called dune-coons however... okay most but definitely not all. -Orsm

OneMan wrote:
Subject: Iraq
Life in Iraq - A US soldiers POV

Fascinating. Requires PowerPoint or PP Viewer.-Orsm

requires Microsoft PowerPoint
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mum and daughter shopping
Hey Orsm, Love ya site. Found this the other night surfing the net thought you might like. Is this not the coolest mum in the world with the hottest daughter!? Wish more would do the same! Please hide my details & keep up the good work
click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: The country is in good hands under the new President, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks: "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it. "Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says" "I can't! It's in Arabic!"

EVA ANGELINA
click for gallery

RANDOM SHITE
Check it...

click for gallery

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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them was playing like they wanted to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?” asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP, the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."

SAGGERS
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A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning?

ORSM VIDEO


And that's me pretty much done... except for the guff:

- Check out the site archives. It's like orgasm x 100.
- I promise next update will be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET. Ray can fuck off because he's a faggot.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and masturbate like noboby's watching. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.11.12-23.00
Cody & Riley

Welcome to Orsm.net. I accept no one cares what I think. So should you.

Howdy dudes. Thanks for taking the time to join me again today. I promise that your Orsm experience will be unforgettable. Better than sex. Better than how your feet feel when taking your shoes off after a long day. Better than lying on the couch after you take your shoes off. More enjoyable than passing a really huge poo.

For some stuuuuupid reason I decided it would be a good idea to combine the quit smoking thing with what we'll call an 'amended ingestion strategy'. Doctors say you're better off concentrating on one thing at a time which is actually pretty good advice. Why? It's simple - instead of just suffering nicotine withdrawals you suffer nicotine AND food withdrawals which in turn makes symptoms at least 74,300 times worse. OMG COOL HUH!?

With all these changes [read: severe withdrawals] going on there's a good chance [read: I can say with certainty] my mental state is slightly [read: extremely] altered. For starters I'm desperately looking to fight anyone about anything. Example: across various interpersonal interactions last week it occurred to me that everyone was in some way being selfish whereas I was -as always- being forced to put myself second. Whether it was me or them we'll probably never know but thankfully it did provide an avenue to flex my argumentative tendencies. All kind of funny really. It's like losing your mind but being fully aware of it.

Moving on. My favourite news story this week was the crackpot Muslim sheikh who was charged with sending "suck shit" mail to families of Aussie Diggers killed serving in Afghanistan. This whilst claiming he's a peace activist. The best part however was after his court appearance. Despite not facing removal or interference of any kind the sheikh chained himself to a pole and then started preaching his special brand of crazy going as far as to call for The Wiggles to get behind his cause. Video here. To me it seemed more like he was shitting himself. Back peddling on his story about what his real intentions were to avoid being jailed. Holy crap that would be funny though. The little twerp would last all of two minutes before some patriotic Aussie inmate provided a reality check in the form of a brutal beating and rape. On the other hand I've probably watched far too much Oz over the years and have a distorted view of what actually goes on...

Anyway, this guys antics do beckon two questions. Firstly, is he for real? If I wanted to make all Muslims look like deranged psycho's I'd dress up like a batshit crazy sheikh and do what he's doing. Secondly, if he's not for real how come no one in the Mus community is standing up to distance themselves from him? Way to integrate into Australia, Muslims!

Alright enough of the guff. I shant bore you with my mediocre weekend or victories against retailers who were trying to touch me up... I'll save it for later. Okay check it...

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Game Time - God DAMN! - Validation - 80's Brilliance - Perfection - Stoners - Crackpots - Glee Hottie - Asian Slut

Too Funny - Pee Sermon - Boob-tastic - So So Close - Eva's Slip - Yeeee-ha! - Flipping Out - All That Ass

Stupidity Reigns - Brainy Babes - Hilari-horse - Amazing Dee - Risky Wipeout - Teen Pimps - Hawt Blonde - Coconuts

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As the Pope lay dying he is visited by an angel who tells him that before he dies, god has commanded that he must make love to a young virgin so he may know and understand the earthly pleasures he gave up his whole life. The Pope argues for a while but then finally agrees to do it if certain conditions are met: "First, she must be blind so she cannot see the desecration I will perform on her body!" "Second, she must be mute so she can never repeat the unspeakable act I will be performing on her body!" "Third, she must be deaf so she cannot hear the unspeakable acts I will be performing on her body." The angel writes these down and begins to float away to report back to God. Just before he disappears, the Pope leans forward and says, "One last thing." "What is it," says the Angel. The Pope whispers, "Big tits."
--
A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks. "About as hard as my dick." he replies. "Ok, then pour me some!"
--
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just shat my pants."

ORSM VIDEO

The Golfing Nun a nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised the Mother. "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

MELISSA LAUREN
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well, I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

ORSM VIDEO


Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow travelling through," said the farmer, "needs a place to stay for the night, so I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO".

DIVING THE ROWLEY SHOALS
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The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??" "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone..."

SEMA 2009
click for gallery

You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
Reader Mail is an invisionary concept first introduced on Orsm which has been copied and rebranded on websites and in publications the world over. Essentially it relies on readers to submit interesting and thought provoking videos or pictures of ex girlfriends in compromising positions, friends doing foolish things, anything car related, mayhem and destruction, jokes - literally anything which can be emailed, hurled or willed my way. Contributors can remain anonymous whilst having their works immortalised forever in the Orsm Archives. And how do you do this? Simple. Just click here.

Peter wrote:
Subject: Re:Interracial couple vid
I can see where the blokes coming from, I mean most 'normal' porn is between different races, however it's only when they are of different colours that it's marked 'Interracial'. When was the last time you saw a scene with an American slut and a French stud labelled interracial?
Trevor wrote:
Subject: Hey
Always love the site. Written in a couple times for a couple submissions, n critiques on reader mail...this is the latter. The very first post from last week from J, about the interracial porn clip. This bloke clearly has not ever been on a porn site before. For fucks sake mate, any porn site will have "interracial" as a sex category, along side amateur, teen, toy, lesbian, gay, old, fetish, bdsm, etc etc.

Matthew wrote:
Subject: Worlds largest bikini parade
Look at the comment on the black chicks image "We hope these girls were wearing sunscreen"

Gregory wrote:
Subject: Random Shite on 10/4
Re: this image. Whoever made this motivational must be an Aussie. Even IF the photo was intentionally reversed for the purpose of poking fun at the guy, the Southern cross pictured is the same as displayed on Brazilian flag.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dude Watch Woopie "Cushion"
Hey Mr Orsm - You are a funny man. Watch Woopie "Cushion" Goldberg @1.30 into this VID. What the hell is up with WG here, is she letting one rip on set ?

maxbinda wrote:
Subject: NEW PICTURE
This man is my friend... i'm very happy JUST MARRIED it's realy picture

So happy he may have shit himself... -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Is like they dont even bother trying to hide the fact you can buy favourable *news* stories for your products anymore. Is this the content Rupert wants to start charging users for???
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: gotta love those pop ups
Checked your site every Thursday for years, keep up the good work. 1st submission, please hide my details. Thanks
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Adam wrote:
Subject: Total Wrong MSN Headline
Hi Orsm, Love your site. I was checking out the news headlines on NineMSN today and came across this. Don't you think if they had the sex attack on tape they would give it to the police or at least sell it online? Not just give it away for free. Thanks.
click to enlarge
Jeff wrote:
Subject: Scam and add
Hi i was looking up the details of a company that just scamed me and found this web site about the scamming company only to find that the scamers have a add on the anti scam site. WTF. Thanks
click to enlarge

Nathaniel wrote:
Subject: Hanging my head in shame
My mom heard about the homeless blow jobs rumor. She told me I had to submit something this week or she would beat me with a rubber hose (I know what you are thinking, "she must be a total MILF" and that is just sick and wrong). I haven't seen this one on your site before and I don't miss any updates. In business school they taught us that product placement is more important than anything, even having the best product or the cheapest price. Product placement done right:

click to enlarge
Anwar Nehme wrote:
Subject: New Mercedes BMW series
Hi ORSM. I was on my way to Melbourne from Albury on Tuesday the 3rd when i was passed by this old Mercedes 300. Nothing unusual about it until i looked at the number plate. made me laugh so i had to take a few pics. Not an easy thing to do at 120km/h with a phone. Zoom in for a better look. Anwar Nehme In Albury NSW
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: stuff
A receipt..don't know the authenticity of it (but you can see the story here. Quite the tip, huh? They'd better serve happy endings for that price!

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Desserts Guy wrote:
Subject: LOL
Random, posted on friends page ...

Unnecessary overshare. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: girlfriend pics
I am a huge fan of your site. I thought I'd share some pics of my girl. Pleade withhold my info.
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Kiss wrote:
Subject: Some pics from sunday afternoon
Hi Mr Orsm! My friends are gone to off road on Sunday morning, and called to cell phone "Please help". I gone on Sunday afternoon for my fiends to help with my russian track, and next time I must called for another friend "Please help me! I'm in paddle!"
click for gallery

David wrote:
Subject: That's not a barra ....this is a barra....
What was he using for tackle? Winch cable and sand anchor????? Now this is what you call a barra!! I'm sure all you Barramundi fishermen will enjoy this one; recently caught on the 'Fitzroy River'. The fish weighed 113kg's and could unfortunately not be released as a crocodile attacked it when they had the fish boatside. (likely story)

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Mike wrote:
Subject: Street-legal bumper cars!
I don't know whether they're original bumper cars or if they were made to look like bumper cars. The engine, a 750cc Kawasaki, fits under the seat. They make a wonderful mini-roar!
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: HIROSHIMA - 64 YEARS LATER...
We all know that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were destroyed in August 1945 after being hit by the first atomic bombs. However we know little about the progress made by the people of that land during the past 64 years.
click for gallery
Mike wrote:
Subject: Looking for a great deal on a new GM truck?
This incident happened about a month ago in the Oshawa CP Rail yard which ships out the GM vehicles. One of the Car guys who attaches and detaches the car haulers, accidentally unhooked a set of train cars without having the brakes applied. The Oshawa rail yard has a slight incline to it, so when the set of cars was unhooked from the engine it started to roll down the hill, it smashed through the stop block and then through the fence and continue into the parking lot where GM stores the new vehicles that come off the line. It is rumored that over 300 vehicles were damaged. Enjoy the pictures. I wonder if this guy was layed off or promoted ?
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mike wrote:
Subject: New Hoover Dam Bypass..........
If you've never been to this area, you need to make trip to see it. It is about 20 miles south of Las Vegas and one of the most incredibly awe-inspiring sights and areas I've ever seen-and I've seen a lot!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: gifts from my ex
Super long time viewer, first time contributor. Here are a couple of pics from one of my ex's... There are more pics from other ex's in the future...Enjoy. Please keep my info separate. Thanks

Ex? Those boobs are your EX?? I don't know what happened but guys everywhere are sorry it didn't work out for you. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: body armor plate vs M4
Here's a vid of a me shooting the plate you put in our body armor with a M4, enjoy. Please don't show my info

Was there anything left? -Orsm

click to watch video

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S GREAT TO BE A SOUF EFRIKAN

1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.
2. Nothing is your fault; you can blame it all on apartheid.
3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it.
4. You can experience pathetic service in eleven official languages.
5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?
6.  It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing.
7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60kph zone.
8. Great accent.
9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world.
10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house.
11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called. The police you have to call about three times.
13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.
15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
16. A murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years.
17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!
18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled.
19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gear locks!
20.  Condoms for free. Plastic grocery bags you pay for.

CHARLOTTE
click for gallery

RANDOM SHITE
RS - something for everyone [except pedophiles]. Check it...

click for gallery

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back in the doctor's office, and this time she gets the big one.

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation actually all about the first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."

THIS IS REPULSIVE
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A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into the pub. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Colin, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

ORSM VIDEO


Well guys we've reached that point and as much as I've enjoyed stapling and gluing this puppy together I'm exhausted beyond function. So...

- Check out the site archives. They're resplendent. Ask anyone.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Only five more left for the year! Thank fucking fuck for that!
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will laugh when you die.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and take a long hard look at yourself please. . Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2009.11.05-22.54
Sunny Leone

Welcome to Orsm.net. Why would I say what I mean...?

Too obvious to tell you guys it's been another busy week? Ohhh... ooops! Every free minute has been packed but I am at least making things happen. For starters I'm several steps closer to getting the image galleries working properly again AND same with the videos. Shit just takes time. And you pessimistic wankers thought I'd forgotten...

Tuesday was Melbourne Cup Day. If you live outside Oz you may never have heard of it but what it boils down to is: big, annual race that inspires people with no interest in horses to dress up, gamble and congregate at racecourses and pubs around the nation. I'm pretty much over it these days and mostly just get sucked in to providing a ride for whichever family member needs one.

Truth be told, I don't mind because it's always good for a perv. The trip there is slow and congested, cars and people everywhere you look. The chicks are generally all amazing too. Perfect makeup, designers dresses, 6inch heels. It's basically a giant fashion parade.

The return trip is a completely different story however. Class and hotness give way to drunkenness and exhaustion. That makeup is gone and the high heels now clutched under an arm as these once glamour girls walk barefoot desperately hoping to get a cab. Kind of sad really. A little bit like finding out someone you thought was cool is actually gay or a Labor voter.

If you cast your minds back a week you may well remember me dribbling on about having quit smoking. I'm now 10 days in and going surprisingly well cunt fuck shit. Starting to feel more normal and withdrawals are miniscule by comparison. Safe to say that you guys have been more help than my mates too - the general response is "Haha again?" or "You'll be back!" Fuckers. All smokers by the way. That's what I get for quitting for eight months a few years ago. The one and only time I tried mind you.

This got me wondering - when aren't you a smoker? How long do you have to be off the durries before the answer is "I don't smoke"? I posed this to several people. Answers ranged from the day you quit to when you don't crave them anymore and so on. Funnily enough the criteria changes when you change the addiction. Recovered alcoholics for instance are always alco's but for smokers and smoking -something more deadly and addictive- you can just declare yourself a non-smoker and that's that. Same for drug dealers now I think of it. Doesn't seem fair for anyone who ever had a drinking problem... or murdered someone... or painted a picture... or got a little too friendly with the neighbours children...

Let's do weekend. Saturday was the closest I've come to sleeping in for months, figuring if I just lie still it will count but a succession of phone calls soon ended that. My next accomplishment after getting up, solving the world's problems and doing groceries was to spend all day clearing my desk and doing long neglected paperwork. Inspirational stuff I tells ya. It's why I look forward to weekends...

Had every intention of doing the sleep in/lie still trick Sunday but -predictably- it was never going to happen... this time thanks to my neighbour who hired a big verti-mower thing and started at 7am. Whole house shaking it was time to get up. After carefully weighing options, choosing between doing stuff for myself or for others, I took off to do computer repairs for various friends and family. From there it was lunch and a quick cruise with mates before returning to base and resuming desk clearing operations. Boring as fuck? Yes! Waste of a Sunday arvo? Yes! But it's finally done and should be good until next year...

Okay now that's out of the way we should get on with the good stuff. Check it...

MyFreeCams.com

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

There is nothing better than hot REAL girls doing their thing... except for an ex-girlfriend doing her thing! Sometimes they deserve it, sometimes they don't but whatever the deal we love it all. This is truly the ultimate site with tonnes of exclusive ex-girlfriend videos and smoking hot pictures. Click here to check it out...

Click for more awesomeness

It's Game Time - Douchebags - Born A Man - Beer Destruction - Luvlee Tata's - Fatman Alco - Epic GangBang

FG/AD Mashup - Skanky Sex Tape - Rejected Ideas - Life's A Peach - Ultimate Awesome - Booty Pop - Flexi-girl

Let It Queef - Coolest Teacher - Smart Pooch - Walken Face - Onya Dickhead - OH Fuck! - Brave Dad - Arnie's FU

Click for more awesomeness

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator. The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?" "No, sir," replies the newbie. "I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer. The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table. "What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain. "Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
--
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to fuck off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!
--
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

ORSM VIDEO

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Hobart, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South, East to West.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call"

The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Melbourne. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Hobart and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay, thank you," said the writer.

He then travelled to Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide, Brisbane, Darwin, and Alice Springs. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Alice Springs saw a sign for Perth and decided to see if Westerners had the same phone. He arrived in Perth, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call."

The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I've travelled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Western Australia now son, it's a local call".

HEATHER CAROLIN
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A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN that the word is STERNUM."

ORSM VIDEO


Three contractors are in a bar after work enjoying a cold one, when a truck crashes into the bar killing all of them.

Suddenly they're at the pearly gates and Saint Peter says “This is perfect. The gates need repair and I can get three estimates.”

He asks the first contractor Bubba what it would take to fix the gates. Bubba walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $750.

Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. He walks over to the gates, inspects them, measures them and gives Saint Peter an estimate of $1500, and tells him I won't make a dime off this.

Saint Peter says thank you and asks the next contractor for an estimate. Anthony quickly gives Saint Peter a price of $2750. Saint Peter asks Anthony how he could come up with an estimate of two thousand seven hundred and fifty dollars without even inspecting or measuring the gates. Anthony replies, "Its easy Saint Peter, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, $750 for Bubba".

SUPER YACHT: THE ALFA NERO
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy. "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -PING!- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here... and -PING!- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighbourhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand. "Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans... and -PING!- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said "Tough shit, Amigo! Now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself!" And she disappeared.

HOW THEY USED TO DO IT
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You've heard it before - "#1 site for whatever" but trust me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. It's absolutely free and registration is not required. Click here to check it out and prepare to lose your day!

READER MAIL
For everyone that hasn't taken the time to share something with your fellow Orsm-er's then hang your pathetic heads in shame. You suck so much that I had to spread rumours about you giving head to homeless guys because you enjoy it. It is however possible to atone for your sins by rapidly firing emails my way. Simply fill my inbox with whatever you've got lying around - could be jokes, stupid videos, Ex pics, an RS submission... absolutely anything you can strap to an email and I'll forgive you. It's as easy as clicking here and making the magic happen.

J wrote:
Subject: Interracial couple vid
If you had a video between a protestant and a catholic, would you mark it as interreligious? If it was between someone from NSW and WA, would it be interstate sex? If it was between someone who used the NZ dollar and the Indonesian rupiah, would it be intercurrency? Why label sex between two people like this? I am sure you are not appealing to people who see "interracial sex" as something specially sinful, but some may see it that way. Because many people attack those who criticise racist ideology, please withhold my mail address. But I am an Aussie

Are you serious? It's porn! Political correctness does not apply. The guy was BLACK and the chick was WHITE. Therefore interracial. Just out of interest: two eighteen year old guys fucking... teen porn or gay porn? -Orsm

straight jacket wrote:
Subject: Re: your post on bootleg products
Hi; have been a fan for over half a decade, but this is my first e-mail. I just wanted to let you know that your picture of red bull "knock offs" are actually the real deal. Red bull was developed by a thai pharmacist, and the current formula was adapted from that product by an austrian businessman in the 80's. Technically, the Red Bull we all know and love is the knock off. Having said that, keep on doing what you do, as it is fucking awesome.
Mark wrote:
Subject: Ebay Gold!
This is truly sensational. It's that subtle Aussie humour again. Read it soon, before it sells and is removed from ebay. It's worth investing a couple of minutes in.

Simon wrote:
Subject: RE "wogs" in elevator video
Hey orsm... Since when did we start calling Lebanese/Arab people "wogs"? These losers weren't Italian, Spanish or Greek. Cheers... long time regular viewer...

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Real Life Gordo
Hey Orsm, Long time fan, first time submitter. Thought you'd be interested in this guy. Remember Gordo from Mortal Kombat? Please hide the details

*Gordo had four arms. -Orsm

click to enlarge

OneMan wrote:
Subject: Cops
Who says cops don't have a sense of humor?

Rodney King. -Orsm

click to enlarge
Brad wrote:
Subject: Bledisloe Japan
Hi Mate, After many hours on the booze in Tokyo for the Bledisloe, we rolled up to the game and saw this at the gate. It is amazing I have showed this to a number of people and they don't get it until you point out the error. Cheers.
click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Malaysian Moto GP
Pissing about at the Malysian GP last weekend - took a snap shot of my Pommy mate taking control of Rossi (he thinks). Please hide my details.
click to enlarge

Tj wrote:
Subject: Pics
Hey just wanted to send you some pics. Enjoy.

Thank you for sending ME pics of you wang... -Orsm

click to enlarge
Jared wrote:
Subject: Gotta love WICHITA, KS
My brother was traveling on business and found this sign in Wichita, Kansas. They didnt really think that one thru....
click to enlarge

cameron wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Something i found in the internets that just sounded too good to be true.

Found on people smuggler website? -Orsm

click to enlarge
Terry wrote:
Subject: Very Cool Church
Fancy living in a Church? This old church in Kyloe, North Cumberland, England was purchased by a couple. They invested lots of money to keep the outside and inside as it was. They restored instead of renovated (a third of the cost). The couple did their best to recreate the inside like a regular home.
click for gallery
OneMan wrote:
Subject: A real angel found
Hey fella, going through some old files and thought you could use. cheers
click for gallery
Kaz wrote:
Subject: Somea my shit
G'day orsm dude, long time viewer, first time contribuitor blah blah.. Thought would throw some pics of my fine girl at ya. Enjoy..
click for gallery

Tim wrote:
Subject: New Obama Bumper Stickers REALLY new!
Too good. Change is inevitable. Progress is not.

I now realise that no matter who the President, this stuff will go around. -Orsm

click for gallery

V wrote:
Subject: Speedo's men should NEVER wear!!!
A little caution when opening... Not for kids or husbands (the husbands will get jealous!)

Probably the most offensive things I've ever seen. -Orsm

click for gallery

Mike wrote:
Subject: your photos
attached pics of ex missus,and the Eden project. show email if you want

Remind me of my year 6 teacher. Scarily so. -Orsm

click for gallery
OneMan wrote:
Subject: Silly boys!!!!
They picked the wrong guy to rob! Three armed felons tried to rob an El Paso, Texas, Police Officer (he's in civilian clothes) in front of a bank. The plan was to grasp his back pack and get away on a stolen motorcycle. The well prepared Police Officer shot all of them, managing to kill 2 at the scene. The 3rd one was shot in both arms. Gun used: a 40 cal pistol. Nice grouping..! Check out the survivor's upper left arm.. That's gotta hurt! As Ron White says, "In Texas we have the Death Penalty and we use it !!"
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Viewers Choice
Attached are 2 pics I recently took. 2 different shots. It's a viewer's choice award. Which one is would you like to tap? Remove sender's info

I'd tap the one with the vagina. -Orsm

click for gallery
Iain wrote:
Subject: Van explosion images
Result of leaking Acetylene bottle stored in plumbers van. 22-10-09. Accidently ignited by activating a remote door lock device. Kaaa - Boooom!! Seems the acetylene bottle WAS in a cabinet. Better inform Plumbers you know!!
click for gallery

DtM wrote:
Subject: Emailing
West Atlas

This is that one off north Western Australia which has been in the news recently. Up until this week it was spewing over 400 barrels of oil a day into the ocean. -Orsm

click for gallery

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

Hughie and Teddy saw an ad in the newspaper and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Hughie and Teddy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Teddy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Hughie and Teddy at the grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do. Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, "My Lord! Didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Hughie and Teddy now work for the US Government. They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

ZOE BRITTON
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RANDOM SHITE
Really really really think this is a good Random Shite update this week. Tonnes of cool shite... so much so that I'll stop arranging my fingers on the keyboard in such a way that it generates the text you are currently reading and let you get on with it...

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself: "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... c'est magnifique!", and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!," before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted:"Jean... Jean... ze re is zis man, zis woman... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said: "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, l'amour! Zis is okay!" "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor. He picked up the telephone and screamed: "Pierre, Pierre... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"

To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember... it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, l'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: "Mon dieu!," grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: "Ah, mesamis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English!"

COCAINE SMUGGLING DOESN'T ALWAYS PAY [WARNING: GRAPHIC]
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A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf.

She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked. "One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. "But it comes with an inscription," he said. "What kind of inscription?" she asked. "Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

BEAUTIFUL SCOTLAND
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LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION

Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum: the idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

ORSM VIDEO


Done and done. All that leaves is this last bit...

- Check out the site archives. It's where I hide the good shit.
- Next update will be next Thursday. I see no reason to deviate from this.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will smash your fucking face in.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and remember the courtesy flush. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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