Honestly feels like I've got far too much going on lately. Stress levels are sky high and there is always something else I'm supposed or need to be doing. I'm guessing that wouldn't be so bad if all I had to do was go out and drink beer every nite but back in the real world that just doesn't happen... well not until tomorrow nite but that's a whole other story.
Every time I sit at the computer I'm working. Very rarely do I get to just fuck around and surf the web for hours on end or play games anymore. Kinda sucks especially considering I just got a stack of new ones a few weeks back.
Despite the mandatory bleeding heart stuff I'm so good at I do actually get more done when the work load is high however the second things start to quiet down, I languish in laziness which leads to boredom which ultimately leads to whatever...
Updates are a funny thing. Every week is reminiscent of an episode of Jamies Kitchen or The Restaurant with the mad dash to meet the self-imposed Wednesday nite update deadline. To actually put everything together as you guy's see it every second week usually takes about two days of 14-16 hour marathons. Two days of sorting through porn, jokes, vids, links and pretty much anything else that's come my way.
So that leaves 12 days to slack off right? Wrong. The rest of the time is consumed with actually preparing all the pics and stuff into pretty little galleries that you guy's get to surf. It's almost at the stage where I am sick to death of looking at porn though. Who ever would have thought that was possible!?
Anyways on to something else... I finally managed to get my car stereo put in. Why finally you may ask? I haven't had decent doof doof capabilities since I wrote my first car off about four and a half years back. The funny thing was that I only had it in and working perfectly in my Falcon for exactly 1 week before I wrote the car off. The car I had after that I was, shall we say, not allowed to install a stereo. So basically for all that time everything has either sat around and collected dust or been dispersed to mates cars... until now.
I dropped my car in last Friday and they started work. Picked it up all finished - not enough bass. Went back in today to make a few changes and it came back out sounding 10 times better than I thought it would but even better again is it goes back Friday for a couple more changes just to bring an even bigger 'wanker grin' to my face.
YES! I am one of those retards you see driving around with stereo blazing flat piss! Yes I know it may look dumb. No I dont care...!!
Now this is a site that'll spin
you guys out - RevengeTV.com.
What do you do when your ex-bitch has burnt you? You burn her
back ofcourse! And what better way than to submit you favourite
fuck pics and vids of her to Revenge
TV!? This site truly kicks ass and is in a class all of it's
own! Check it @ RevengeTV.com.
One final thing you guys may wanna check out before you get stuck into this update is my new site - OrsmGames.net. Rather than sit here and bore you to death with how kick ass it is and how you'll probably end up wasting just as much time there as you do here why not just save me the trouble and go have a look for yourself! More @ OrsmGames.net.
Dam Newbies - Like Jail Bait? - Ultimate Ricer - Jump! - Play Prince Of Persia - Dumbass Coporate Lawsuits
Class Act - Screw Me - The Gubernational Mating Game - Burnout Scented Candles - Bikini Babes - Whoops!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said," I'm off, the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the door bell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..! ....." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you." Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start"? "Leave everything to me. I usually try in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look". "Four or five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too, the mother was constantly squealing and yelling- I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "Mrs. Smith leaned forward "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you are ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod???" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long... Madam?... Madam?... Good lord, she's fainted!"
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
There was a party - a lot of people, a lot of booze, as it is with parties.
Suddenly someone says: "Did ya know, if you put a lightbulb in your mouth,
you can't pull it out?". Everybody says "No shit" and, as it was to be
suspected, someone finds a lightbulb and one guy puts it in his mouth. He
can't pull it out, of course, as his jaw pops out, so they call a taxi and
take him to the hospital, where he gets a muscle-relaxing shot and has the
Meanwhile a new guy comes to the party and asks "where is everybody?", so
someone explains to him that this guy had put a lightbulb in his mouth etc.
So the guy says "no shit", grabs a lightbulb and puts it in his mouth... so they call another taxi and take him to the hospital as well. As they entered the hospital ER, they saw the first taxi driver.
Sitting with a lightbulb in his mouth...
A professor at West Virginia University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats!"
A little girl comes up to a little boy in school and says, "Hey! What's a penis?" The little boy looks at her at says, "I don't know." She tells him, "Well, when you go home tonight, see if you can find out."
So the little boy is at home and his dad comes in. The little boy says to him, "Dad! What's a penis?" In a low voice his father says, "Come here, Son." and takes him into the bathroom. He unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, holds it, points to it and says, "Son, This is a penis! In fact, son, this is a perfect penis!"
The next day, the little boy is at school. The little girl comes up to him and says, "Hey! Did you find out what a penis is?" In a low voice the little boy says, "Come here." and takes her behind the bushes. He unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, holds it, points to it and says "this is a penis. In fact, if this was an inch shorter and full of wrinkles, it would be a perfect penis!"
UK Page 3 favourite Jordan is well known to many of us. Not only does she possess an awesome body but is the proud owner of two of the biggest breasts this side of pretty much any chick I can think of. So what's this vid of? Well it just happens to be Jordan getting chopped up by boy band wonder Dane Bowers...
- The Jordan Sex Tape -
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition, when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper".
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he craps the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!!"
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year-old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, OK?" The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops". WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do You want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fucking ass it won't be Coco Pops!"
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much there lives sucked. The cucumber said "Man my life sucks. Whenever i get big fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad!"
So the pickle looks up at him and says "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar!"
The Penis glared at them both and said "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out!"
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar... Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves tothe green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."
Definitely one of the most entertaining duties a webmaster must undertake is sifting through tonnes of reader mail that flies in from people across the globe... and in some cases, people who are obviously on another planet all together...
hey i got a prob i seen the dude with 2 dicks
and i told my by that it was true but when i went to find it i
couldent fid it u know the 1 when that nasty bicht sucking the
motherfucker my wife like it but i wanted to download it for her
but can't find ? and another thing i went to random shit i copied
some pics but the ones that i thought i had it was somthing else
help but i do think that your site is fuckin' kick ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subject: [no subject]
hi I'm an arabic user who which if u could
get us some arabic pics or clips. your site is great. thank you
Subject: [no subject]
hi Orsm. that's is my 2nd email & i wish
u could replay . i'm trying 2 find a cilp or pics 4 a virgin having
sex 4 the 1st time. and a rapist clip 4 a teen. if u have anything
u could help my by share. thank u 4 ur great site.
Subject: CAUTION!!! EXTREME WARNING!!! CAUTION!!!EXTREME WARNING!!!
The following picture is of a horrific accident
involving Canadian college students that had been consuming alcoholic
beverages. Parliament is considering turning the photo into a
poster to hang in post offices and Liquor stores across Canada
as a reminder to never ever let it happen again! Personally I
along with many others have chosen to write a particularly strong
letter to my local member of parliament stressing that it would
be a preposterously outlandish act to publicize the shocking event.
What if children were to see this mangled broken mess? What about
the feelings and families and the people that are notably suffering
in the photo??? Some people may find it necessary to look at it
others like myself find it terribly disturbing to view!!!
I hope you will join with me and countless
others and write your local member of parliament and put a stop
to this atrocity!!! Or just write back to me giving me permission
to add your name to the list of others that I will mailed to the
heartless people on parliament hill. I hope to hear from you ASAP.
David D wrote:
Subject: human dignity
Hi Mr. Orsm. Long time reader of your site here. Really enjoy all the interesting stuff you put up. I was looking at the line for the "Human Dignity" picture you put on your recent update, and i believe that the last two pictures are fake. If you look at the second to last picture closely you'll notice that the uniforms of the "Israelis" are a different color and they now appear to be wearing body armor. Also you'll notice that the one visible tire rim of the truck in the background is different. And both pictures appear to be of a much better quality than the the others. I take no side in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict but i thought your readers should be reminded to not believe everything they see on the internet.
Subject: Re: Human Dignity Caption In Oct 15 update
Dear Mr. Orsm, I am a huge fan of your site and eagerly await all your
updates. In regards to this caption, I would just like to point out that
the soldiers in those pictures are not Israeli. They are actually
Palestinian Authority Security Officers. You can confirm this by going to
the link provided. http://www.idf.il/english/insignia/tags.stm. Israeli
soldiers patches hang loose from the shoulder strap, they are not sewn onto
the sleeve. They are also smaller then the one shown in the picture.
River Runner wrote:
I noticed in your latest update on your web site, you've found it difficult to deal with these annoying callers. There are a couple of suggestions, if I may.
1. Set the phone down while preparing a meal. Let them listen to clanging and banging of pots and pans.
2. Speaking of "banging," let them know right away they've interrupted something. A lady I knew would tell them, "I'm right in the middle of giving my husband head! Do you mind if I continue?" This may backfire as they could listen in, if that's something they're interested in.
3. Keep a large, loud whistle by the phone. When they begin, give them an earful of a shrill whistle!
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sophie Ellis Bextor - Priceless!
Just a tip: The Norwegian newspaper Dagbladet just made an interview with pop
artist/singer Sophie Ellis Bextor - and just check the picture on the page.
Something for your page??
Natural red head I see. -Orsm
Subject: Our Prime Minister
I saw this press photo on the Sydney Morning Herald website. Looks like our Johnnie is trying to get fresh with the Chinese President.
PS: Orsm site. Been visiting for years now! That Kelle chick you posted this week is so hot. Anymore you have of here would be great!
gavin clark wrote:
Subject: Rugby WC
How you doing? I just thought I'd email you and wish Australia, New Zealand and any other team who has a chance of winning the world cup and beating England all the very fuckin' best. I'm from Scotland and everyone in Scotland knows we aren't the best at rugby or anything else for that matter but we still get behind our team and support them. All we've been hearing from the English media is that how they're going to win the world cup. Fuck, please no!!!! I'm not a rugby fan (is there any in Scotland?) but I've been watching and listening to the games and reports. The media think that because they beat Georgia by about 2 million points that they've got thre world cup sewn up. I hate England to so that's another reason I want them to get humped. I'm even drinking XXXX and Fosters!!!
Subject: 10/15/03 update
I've been a visitor to this site for several years now, and I just wanted to say that this is by far the BEST update I've seen in a long time; the BEST since you posted those short clips with Adrianna Sage and Aria Giovanni, possibly the two best women on the net (my opinion). Anyway, just wanted to say the site's great, keep up the good work, blah, blah, blah.....
P S - I use some of your photos on my desktop and everybody always asks me where I get them from - I currently am using the picture of the tanker and the approaching hurricane - wow - Everybody loves that one.
Subject: Living on the edge!
Hi, Orsm has helped me to keep my sanity at
my boring college student part time job for the last 3 years(no
net activity recorders that I know of), Thank you. Well anyways
traveling in the BC backcountry came accross this little bit of
reckless stupidity. A mother distracted by the beauty of the scenery
(see creek 40 odd feet below) almost took out the family. It took
two tow trucks a couple of hours to manuever the precariously
balanced suburban off the rail. Just thought you might enjoy this.
Subject: priceless picture
Dear webmaster i have a picture of my sisters
ex boyfriend he is a real jerk. please put this photo in priceless
thank you. by the way love your site
Subject: Male Beauty Product
Are you fat? Are you bald? Are you ugly? Are
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or jerk? Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60? Have ladies lost
interest in you?
Do not despair. Now there is a new Male Beauty Product in the
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This is the best "Male Beauty Product" on the market
and is available in selected stores now... Just take a look ...
Subject: No Subject
hi from south Africa. I have been visiting
your site for a while now and have to admit it hast to be NO 1
in the world. you have provided me with huge amounts of laughter
and entertainment. I have sent two vids for now. I have a few
more vids of witch I will send on the weekend, and still have
a few more to make. all the vids were taken by myself and were
done at the hustler rally. the one titled miss oz, I think won
in 1998 or 1999. she was bought out to SA buy hustler.
Subject: Missing dog, please help!
These were the last 3 pictures that were taken
of my dog while we were at the beach. Since then my beloved canine
has gone missing and I have posted these pictures everywhere with
a reward to anyone that finds Fido. Friends have looked at the
pics and cannot seem to identify the dog please can you help me
The only cow in a small Newfoundland village stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the gulf in Nova Scotia for $200. They bought the cow from Nova Scotia and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
Finally the cow came into season. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, just what they should do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side... she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Nova Scotia ?" The people were astonished, since no one had ever mentioned where they had bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How in the
world did you know we acquired this cow in Nova Scotia ?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Nova Scotia.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fucktard. Some jerk has stolen our tent!"
A man had been chugging down whiskey all night when the bartender called out, "Okay, people the bar's closing." So the man slurped down the last drink, stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside - hopefully the fresh air would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and again fell flat on his face again. So he began to crawl the block home. When he finally arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled though the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning his wife prodded him awake and said, "So, you've been out drinking again,huh? "What makes you say that?" he asked, puttting on an innocent look. "The barman called - you left your wheelchair there again!"
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY AND ETHICS
With all your honour and dignity - what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thinking. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, but yet spontaneous...
You're in Florida. In Miami, to be exact. There is a huge chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and all the flooding. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water masses. The nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar and important.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options - you can save him or you can take the best photo of your life and career.
So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo. A photo displaying the death of a very powerful man. And here's the question (Please give an honest answer):
Will you make the photo black and white, or colour?
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago..."
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognised her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Jaysus, Mary & Joseph, will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out tonight, and me without me bloomers on..."
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked and lying in bed, putting both legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked, and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom. "Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," he Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife
every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue... I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and shit..." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works. Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice that's all. I just told her a poem... " "Well, what poem did you tell her?" he asked.
Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog... If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog."
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a Red Light District!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a house in a Red Light District smells like."
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks is she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne." "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 -my parents still live there!" "I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you.
The Australian Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to ATO..."
"The ATO!?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the Australian Tax Office... and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you!"
A bus full of nuns crashed, and all the nuns have, unfortunately, died. They
found themselves standing in a line before the Pearly Gates and St. Peter's
"Sister Mary, confess your sins" says St.Peter to the first nun in line. "Well, St. Peter, once I saw a naked man and I felt aroused the nun confesses". "Sister Mary, here is a bowl with holy water. Wash your eyes with it and you may enter."
Sister Mary did.
"Sister Elizabeth, confess your sins" says St. Peter to the next one. "Well, St. Peter, I touched a man's penis once and it ejaculated some sperm on my hand." "Sister Elizabeth, wash your hand with this holy water here and you may enter." Sister Elizabeth did.
Suddenly, there was some commotion in the line and a nun standing on the very end started pushing to the front. "What do you think you're doing, sister Magdalene?" asks an outraged St. Peter. The nun pushes to the bowl. "I want to wash my mouth with this water before sister Angela will have to put her ass in it!"
Well dudes it's time for the labour of love to end and that pretty much does it for this week. As always I hope you've managed to waste away countless hours when you were supposed to be doing something else!
Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to check out Orsm Games! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.
Well here we are again. Two weeks on and another
update to tear you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed
to be doing. If it's your first time here I pity you... you've
missed so much. Stop by the archives
and become enlightened with more than three years of humour, porn,
vids and basically anything else that's amused in that time.
For everyone else there's pretty much exactly
what you would expect - another update of behemoth
proportions. I worked my ass off on this update so if you've
got any complaints the best advice I can give you is to fuck up
and die... in a good way ofcourse!
As usual I've spent far too long trying to
come up with what I was going to blog about this week so I thought
I'd concentrate on a few things that either are or have been giving
me the shits lately. I think most of the dribble I bore you guy's
with generally has a positive spin on it but truth be known I'm
just as jaded, bitter, twisted and emotionally unstable as most
people. Here goes [in no specific order]...
I've been getting tonnes of email from people saying that their
country is going to kick Australia's ass in the World Cup. Fair
enough - I'd like to see you try... rather, if I happen to see
on the news that we lost then good luck to you. I certainly won't
be watching any of the games. Rugby is one of those sports that
I really can't be bothered with. Boring as shit if you ask me.
Having said that, if [and probably when] Australia wins I will
gloat about it [because I can].
HOLIDAYS: School holidays have the effect of bringing
learner drivers to the roads in their hundreds, and as we all
know - they can't drive for shit... thankfully they're supervised.
Learners are soon followed by the P platers who still can't drive
but roam the streets unsupervised and as history has shown us,
uninsured. Yeah okay I was one of them once too but being a good
driver was always important to me so I always concentrated and
thus far have never caused an accident.
COLLECTION: Every 6 months or so the council does
a roadside pick up of our suburbs junk. Basically a good time
to throw out all the old clutter and junk that's lying around
the place. As soon as the junk starts to appear on peoples verge's
so do the scabs. Now I should say that the oppurtunistic scab
is okay with me... the person that happens to be walking along
and see's something useful and grabs it. The one's I can't stand
are the professionals - the scabs that drive house to house with
trailers or utes picking through the junk piles all so they can
head down to swap-meet and sell it the next weekend. They have
no shame and I'm happy to scream out 'SCAB!' when they stop outside.
WHORES: This one mostly only applies to other
select webmasters. Let it be known I don't have a problem linking
peoples websites! What really fucks me off is the retards that
email me repeatedly asking me to link them. For the record I've
only ever asked another site for a link once in my life.
Sure, I'm happy to link you if you deserve it but carry on like
a spastic that thinks I owe you something then your email will
Some of you guy's need to understand that hits aren't the be all
and end all of your existence and life really will go on if you
don't rank on alexa.
FEVER: As we all know with the arrival of spring
comes hay fever. It started without warning almost 2 weeks ago
and has had me over a barrel going hammer and tong ever since.
The itchy skin, irritated eyes, runny nose and at times chesty
coughing has hit me worse this year than most and it sucks.
You hear about telemarketing being of plague proportions in the
US but up until now [atleast for me] it hasn't really been to
much of an issue here. Lately though everynite around dinner time
the bastards call. Usually its some pathetic loser wanting donations
for anything from surf-lifesaving to sudden infant death syndrome.
Even more annoying is that it's obvious they're reading from the
screen: "...blah blah blah can we count on *YOU* Mr Orsm
for a donation?" to which I reply "no thankyou I already
donate to several other charities". This doesn't deter them
however: "well sir we are happy to take a lower contribution
than the suggested amount...?" The worst part is that I think
giving my details to the charities I actually donate to helped
propogate my details to all the other ones.
Now this is a site that'll spin
you guys out - RevengeTV.com.
What do you do when your ex-bitch has burnt you? You burn her
back ofcourse! And what better way than to submit you favourite
fuck pics and vids of her to Revenge
TV!? This site truly kicks ass and is in a class all of it's
own! Check it @ RevengeTV.com.
Free pics of some of the hottest teens from around the net
showing it off on webcams, at bars, and at spring break. Come
check out some of these girls they rocked my socks. So can
you handle it? All this and more at TeenRave.org!
Chix - Dilbert
Wiggle - The
Foul Mouthed Cunt - Bouncing
Bears - Block
Wars Gansta Rap - Twenty
Years Of Playboy - Peeping
Dignity - The
The world's best and most famous conductor
makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra.
The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either,
but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire.
Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience
and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance
as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."
After a few minutes silence from the shocked
audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses.
He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing
in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't"
his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured
week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While
lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned
to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small
hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled
over and went to sleep.
Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor
began with the small hand-gun concealed in his jacket. Once the
concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm
announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last
performance." The tuba player stood up and shouted "You
can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun
and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police
arrived and the conductor was taken away.
Days later, the conductor was taken to court.
"How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?"
the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour", the conductor
replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree
murder in this state is death by electrocution?" the judge
added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion
that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was.
"Yes your honour", the conductor said. While being strapped
into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor
and said "You may have one last request before we terminate
your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few
seconds, the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen
bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scarfed
the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked.
The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard
was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He
survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."
The conductor left the building, only to be
greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back
to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting
went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear,
could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied.
At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of
the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For
the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled.
The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw
it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members
of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.
"You again?" the judge asked,
"I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?"
The conductor shrugged. "OK, how do you plead to 23 counts
of first degree murder?" the judge said. "Guilty to
all counts", the conductor replied. While the settings were
changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair,
the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver
platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scarfed
the bananas the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked.
It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their
fears were realized when the conductor regained consciousness
as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two
gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the
building. "Back to work."
The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had
all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile
launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes
dear", she replied.
It was all too much for the conductor, and
he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!"
he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony
Orchestra, killing all 190 odd band members. The army was called
in this time, and he was dragged away.
"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed
to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged.
"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?"
"Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed, "the bastard
deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away. A public announcement
was issued to all local residents warning that there would be
a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers
were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric
chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three
dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.
He scarfed the bananas, the building was completely
vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control,
some 2 kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to
rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's
ruined body. His funeral was held some days later and as the casket
was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin
lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!
He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up
and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair.
How did you do it?"
"I've tried telling people all along",
he said "I'm just a bad conductor...!!"
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They
tell her that her husband's been in a terrible car accident. She
rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case.
They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see
a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.
"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes,
doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?" The doctor sits
next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's
accident resulted in two fractures of his spine." "Oh
my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable.
However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or
capability. This means you will have to feed him."
Mrs. Jones begins to sob... "And you'll
have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course,"
the doctor continued, "you'll have to use nappies with him
as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these
nappies must be changed at least five times a day." Mrs.
Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails...
The doctor continues: "And you'll have
to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control
over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite
often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to
avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably.
Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on
the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just fucking with you.
Two old friends were just about to tee off
at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying
a golf bag called out to them, Do you mind if I join you? My partner
didn't turn up." Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of
the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked
the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're
joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said,
reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini
sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight,"
said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might
be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle
and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This
sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow,
I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with
her... He's naked as well! That bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do
you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate, for you, one
thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can
you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot
her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit
of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said
the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient,"
said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
A blind man was walking down the street with
his seeing eye dog one day. They came to a busy intersection,
and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on
the street, led the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.
This was followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as
panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reached
the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and
the blind man pulled a cookie out of his coat pocket which he
offered to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal
incident, couldn't control his amazement and said to the blind
man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?
He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turned partially
in his direction and replied, "To find out where his head
is, so I can kick his arse."
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was
walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and
he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area
were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional
sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly
he heard a strange noise... BUMP... BUMP...
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement,
through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large
box turning into his road. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his
eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make
out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything
to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly
home. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he
started walking faster.... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog,
but he heard the coffin speed up after him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Eventually he made it to his front door, but
he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in
his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed
to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind
him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way
through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock
off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges
as it continued its chase... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast
as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom
and locked the door... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP...
SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs,
across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With
an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the
young terrified lad. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP...
SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he
reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial
Leather soap and threw it at the coffin... still it came.... BUMP...
SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw
it... still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...
still it came... BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH...
He grabbed some Vick's cough mixture and threw
it... The coffin stopped.
A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation
in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the
local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all
time, Blue Steel. Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout
the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was.
He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organisers
had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10
That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried
their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw
them all off with the greatest of ease. As a joke the organisers
then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to
tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone
laughed at him. But the organisers decided to let the city boy
have a try.
Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not
only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20
seconds, then 30, then a minute. A few minutes more and Blue Steel
was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around
the ring like a birthday party pony. Everyone was astonished.
"Considering you've never even sat on
a horse before," said Tommy's friends "how on earth
did you manage that?" "Easy," said Tommy "my
wife's an epileptic."
The second and final part of the Kate
Richie Sex Tape this week. Yeah, the vid is crappy quality
but we all know its her.
Check it out...
Kate Richie Sex Tape: Part 2 -
The bartender served a woman a glass of orange
juice. The man sitting next to her, turned to her and said, "This
is a special day; I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied,
clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?"
he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child,"
she answered. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my
hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" asked the woman. "I switched
cocks," said the man. "What a coincidence," she
Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at
Richmond and starts chatting with Danny Frawley. Danny says to
Mick, "Well Mick, I don't know what you think of your players
at Collingwood, but mine here are all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Mick. "Oh well, its simple",
says Danny. "We now put them through a special intelligence
test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and
we will see how well he does."
Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Matthew Richardson.
Danny calls him over and asks him, "Tell me Matty, who is
the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother
and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple Spud,"
says Matthew, "its me". "Well done Matty",
Says Danny, and Mick is very impressed.
Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence
of the team. He calls in Buckley and asks, "Nathan, tell
me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is
not your brother and is not your sister?" Nathan thinks and
thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it
a bit more Mick, and I'll give you an answer tomorrow?"
"Of course," says Mick, "you've got 24 hours. But
it is very important that you come up with the answer". Nathan
goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his
teammates. Rocca thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.
Tarrant was certain that it couldn't be anyone. McKee admitted
he was sacked from Richmond for not knowing. Cloke also owned
up to failing the test while trying to get a position at Punt
Rd. Prestigiacomo thought it would be an uncle in Italy who had
been adopted as a child. The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard
a guess. Licuria went into the foetal position.
20 hours later, Nathan is very worried that he still has no answer
with only 4 hours to go. Eventually Nathan says "I know,
I'll ring James Hird. He's clever, he'll know the answer."
He calls James. "James," he says, "tell me, who
is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your
brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple," says James, "it's me!" "Of
course!" says Nathan and rings Mick. "Mick," says
Nathan, " I've got the answer: it's James Hird". "No,
you idiot," says Mick. " It's Matthew Richardson".
John and Marie went to the same conservative
church. Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. John
went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on
one of the other Sundays. On one of those other Sundays, he was
in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine-looking
woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, John
leaned forward and whispered, "Hey, Marie, how about you
and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why yes, John, that
would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week
long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie
and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in town. When they
sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would
you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh no, John,"
said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
John was set back a bit, so he didn't say much
until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out
a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would
you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie.
"What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
John was feeling pretty low after that, so
he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed
the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured
he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Marie," said John, "how
would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure,
John, that would be nice," said Marie. John couldn't believe
his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median
and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with
The next morning John got up first. He looked
at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What
have I done?" thought John, overcome with guilt. He shook
Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing.
What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie
said, "The same thing I always tell them... You don't have
to smoke and drink to have a good time!"
A little Australian immigrant girl was sitting
in her classroom in South Africa when her teacher walked in and
started talking about how proud she was to be South African and
how wonderful it was to be a Springbok supporter. The teacher
then asked everyone who supported the Springboks to put up their
hand. Every hand in the class besides one went up. This surprised
the teacher and so she asked the little girl why her hand wasn't
up. "Well," said the little girl "because I don't
support the Springboks."
Even more surprised the teacher asked her who
she supported. "I support the Wallabies" she replied.
Now, a bit irretated, the teacher asked the little girl why she
supported them. "My mum supports the Wallabies and my dad
supports the Wallabies, so I support the Wallabies too!"
The teacher looked at the little girl and with
a smirk asked: "Well, if your mum was an idiot and your dad
was an idiot, what would you be?" The little girl looked
up at the teacher, smiled and replied: "A Sprinbok supporter!?"
I was on my way to the Post Office to pick
up my case of free M&M's sent to me because I forwarded their
e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year
2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals -- when I ran into a
friend whose neighbor was home recovering from having been served
a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
That, of course, was predictable because everybody
with e-mail knows there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried
Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name
to KFC. His daughter had survived a bout with the flesh eating
virus she got from a Costa Rican banana, and his wife was conscious
and feeling better, but they were a little tight on money after
the cologne sniffing incident.
Oddly enough, he told me that his neighbor
had suddenly passed away from a spider bite. Apparently it was
a rare, South American spider who got here by way of an international
flight and is known to hide under the lids of public toilet seats.
If only he had been warned to look before he sat down, he might
have survived. Equally as unfortunate was his other neighbor who
went scuba diving on his day off, got scooped up by a forestry
helicopter and dumped in the middle of a huge fire! Somedays it
just doesn't pay to get out of bed! Although after what
he told me next, maybe it doesn't pay either way!
Anyway, this guy went to sleep one day and
when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and
he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized
that his kidneys had been stolen. He saw a note on his mirror
that said "Call 911," but he was afraid to use his phone
because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus
on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened
e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"
He knew it wasn't a hoax because he was a computer
programmer himself and was working on software to prevent a global
disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute
the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill
It's true. I know its true because I read it
all on the internet!
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered
that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their
adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork
in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want
to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there
in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what
had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that
he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down
the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down?" There she went
again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love
to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman,
so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes,
and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they
came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked,"
Up or down?" The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork
in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?" She
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked,
"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you
wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now
today, nothing!" She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't
wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were FUCK or
A young man from Ireland called Seamus finds
himself in dire trouble. His Farm has gone bust and he's in serious
financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God
for help. He goes into the Church and begins to pray...
"God, please help me, I've lost my Farm
and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well,
please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody
else wins it. Seamus goes back to the Church. "God, please
let me win the lotto, I've lost my Farm, my house and I'm going
to lose my tractor as well".
Lotto night comes and Seamus still has no luck!
Back to the Church. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've
lost my Farm, my house, my tractor and my wife and 17 children
are starving. don't often ask you for help and I have always been
a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto
this one time so I can get my life back in order???"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light
as the heavens open and Seamus is confronted by the voice of GOD
himself: "SEAMUS, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A BLOODY
Cheers to everyone who's emailed
me over the last few weeks. I can't even keep track of it anymore.
Outta control. If you've got something to say then feel free to
drop me a line here!
Subject: save Holly
Dear Mr orsm, I have been a big fan
for 2 months, long enough to know that Holly Ryder is
the best girl on your site. For the love of everything
that is good and holy keep her on, if you dont there will
be broken hearts and wide spread drinking all over the
nation. Stop this madness dont let that mischievious smile
dissapear. shes just to god damm pretty. Hers forever,
Subject: About jokes
Hi, Mr Orms. My name is Ryan.
Firstable, I want to say that I enjoy your site a lot,
especially the jokes. I even save to my computer the old
Updates on the Archives section just so I can read the
jokes. Anyway, when I was at home and reading the previous
update (April 2001), I stumbled upon a joke about "what
Iraqian watch on their TV channel". One of the show
is "Allah McBeal". Just in case you don't know,
"Allah" is the name of God for the moslems.
In Indonesia, "Allah" also used by the christians
as the name of the Father God. I also find few jokes regarding
God that not related with any religion.
I just want to say: Please
don't make any jokes that contain God's name of about God
Himself. If you don't make the jokes by yourself, then please
don't diplay those kind of jokes. Jokes about human race
is acceptable. Jokes about people of some religion (ex:jewish,christian,moslem)
also acceptable. After all, we make jokes of the people,
not the race itself nor the religion itself. But make jokes
I don't know whether you have
a religion or an atheist. I don't care. What I care is for
us to respect God and not making fun of Him by creating
or displaying jokes about Him. If you don't believe in God,
then at least you could show some respect to what other
That's all I want to say.
I'm sorry if I offended you in any ways. I don't mean to.
Thanks for spending time reading my email. Hope to hear
from you soon :) Regards, Ryan.
Ryan, thankyou for your
comments. I'll be sure to pass your email onto the Orsmnet
Board of Standards & Ethics for immediate review. I
look forward to receiving 40 lashes in public for my insolence
should the investigation conclude unfavourably against me.
May Allah have mercy upon my soul. -Orsm
Subject: some slut i know online
Mr. Orsm. G'day man. I'm sending in
these pictures of a girl named Brooke. She's a whore who
likes to show it all & she wanted her friends to keep
these a secret but since she decided to mettle in someone
elses relationship I decided to post these high quality
pictures to you. I hope all the guys out there get a good
wank and if you ever want to talk to her online her email
is <with held>@hotmail.com . By the way Mr. Orsm
keep up the good work on this site, it's godly! :)
Subject: Anti-virus software
Hi Mr.Orsm, Bravo for alerting folks
to the need for AV software. As a techie myself, the amount
of 'wasted' time I've spent cleaning that blaster (lovesan/nachi)
worm/virus shit from peoples' systems is unreal. One thing
you should have mentioned (or maybe I missed it) is the
importance of people KEEPING THEIR SOFTWARE UP-TO-DATE.
As you know yourself, it's no use thinking "I've
got 'Brand-X Virus Scanner' that I got with my system
3 years ago" and thinking you're safe. An update
once every week (or even every fortnight) should suffice.
Only takes about 15 mins, even with a regular dial-up
connection. Also, downloading the critical updates/service
packs from the 'Windows Update' site once in a while wouldn't
hurt (if you use MS Windows). Auto-updates are fine when
they work, but if you want something done right, DO IT
YOURSELF, manually. Then re-boot, and SCAN your entire
system (whilst not connected to the internet).
Maybe you should make it a regular in your end quote,
just to beat it into everyone's heads ... Anyway, thanks
for the great site and all that ... Take it easy ... and
keep up the good work ... Alan.
P.S. Do you think these people are working for profit-based
Anti-virus software distributors ...? makes you wonder.
(moral : Get a free one.)
Good call. No point having antivirus
software which hasn't been updated for the last 12 months.
Subject: Action Shot from mate's 21st
Gday Mr. Orsm, got a few shots from
my flatmate's 21st including a spectacular action shot.
It was a friendly get together at Kooloobong campus at
the Uni of Wollogong backed up by 2 kegs of New and a
few casks of goon. This is the birthday boy pictured here
making inroads into that huge fuck off mug, puking, then
rallying to have another go at finishing it. A good night
had by all. And to the fuckarse who stole my discman from
our unit that night I hope your beer is forever warm.
Subject: Siamese Twins-read story first - Please Help...
This one touches a real nerve after
the recent tragedy in Singapore with the other Siamese
twins. I am going to dig deep for this effort. Sorry to
spring something like this on you 'out of the blue...
but... I've been trying to help
raise funds for local Siamese twins who need to be separated.
They've been joined since birth (obviously) and the Sydney
girls, now in their 20s only need another $30,000 for
the operation. A Melbourne based doctor is doing the operation
for free and Virgin will fly Them to Melbourne, on special
seats for free too. Have a look at the picture and see
if you feel you can make a donation. If you can't, I'll
understand but will you ask someone else you think might
be able to help.
Subject: O RSM
Thought you might like this (sorry
about file size, but thought I'd leave editing to your
better judgement) I've been cycling past this for over
a year and never really noticed it until friday...
By the way, a couple of months ago my brother sold his
business and left his friends and family, moved from our
flat in London (which is in England) to Melbourne (which
is a very long way away in Australia) to follow his heart
and get married. And the bitch dumped him and left him
homeless, penniless and very possibly without a Visa.
I know he'll read this and it should make his eyes pop
out if you'd just mention the above sob story and ask
any girls in Melbourne to put out for lonely englishmen
a long way from home. Cheers man. Take it easy.
Subject: Keep up the good work.
Happy for you to put this picture
on the website... would go down well in a mullet section.
Please don't use my real name though (Jorgensen
is fine). It is undoctored and was taken in San Francisco
somewhere. A child mullet as it were! By the way mate,
big clap for coming up with all this funny shit for we
Aussie boys to look at during our lunchtime! Cheers, Jorgensen
Subject: Alice Springs orsm car
This car is owned by a friend of mine
in Alice. It is as a replica touring car with all the
gear on it, motor, gearbox, suspension etc. you could
near on race it. He does not have a problem in showing
it off on your site. If you say yes then email me and
i will send some decent pics of it for you and some specs
on it. Great site keep it up, All the best Batto.
Subject: It's FINNISHED!!!!
2004 Olympic Soccer Stadium has finally been completed ahead
of schedule !
Subject: a personal issue =/
Hey Orsm, (That name matches more and
more these days) I am leaving the horrible US in less
than 2 years from now and moving to the UK. I'll show
you pictures of my Skyline once I get one ;-) Why am I
telling you this? Well, I recently fell apon a picture
of a girl and fell in love with her. (Don't ask me why,
but I did) And I was wondering if I sent it to you, could
you please do like so many other fans of your site and
let people email me if they know who it is. I'm pretty
sure she's american (hence my intro) and if it's even
remotely possible for me to contact her, I'd be a happy
guy. I'm skeptic however, because I found the picture
from a link of a link from your site. http://girls.smutstars.com/
Picture 334. So... given the possibilities of her being
one of the following:
1.) A model (*cough*pornstar*cough*)
2.) Dead (yes... I'm looking for the one who is rolling
hard off of E)
3.) Never going to be found.
...why am I doing this? Why not? It's a challange, and
you being a savvy lord of the web (yes I'm trying to flatter
you), should appreciate this. Finding her would be hard,
but if found, getting to meet her would be even more of
a challange! So, in closing, here's a picture with an
arrow and some text, hope that you get this email, read
it, understand it, and post it! =)
Whilst I reckon there's pretty
much no chance of finding this chick you never know. Replies
in the Orsmnet
Subject: V8 supercars
Hey Orsm. Thought some people might
like to see what Skaife was doing in the VB Challenge
at Oran Park a couple of weeks back. Jim
Subject: some pics for you....
are just pics of myself....you are welcome to use them if
you want to.
Two high school sweethearts who went out together
for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed
losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they
graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the
girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy
went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful
to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl
and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take
weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took
days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted
to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his
calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon
became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend,
she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid
picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and
sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found
a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say,
this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed. So,
what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo
the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at
college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture
to her parents.
Feeling bored? Think Orsmnet suck
ass? Want something better? How about checking out these guys!
[Webmasters wanting their sites linked should go here.]
Damaged - Social
Bomb - Brewtal
Beer Zine - Lethal
Network - Got
Orion - Lame
Reactor - Eighty
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are
in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar
is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is
a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better
one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and
MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others
agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a
nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in
Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink,
Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda
drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's
great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's.
At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your
second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take
you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the
other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to
you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it
happened to my sister!"
A married couple was in a terrible accident
in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told
the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because
she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his
own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that
the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more
beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives
just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and
she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There
is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling,"
he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Jack went to a urologist and told him that
he was having a problem, in that he was unable to get his penis
erect. After a complete exam the doctor told Jack that the muscles
around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection
and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment
that might be acceptable, if Jack were willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's
trunk in Jack's penis.
Jack thought about it for a while. The thought
of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was
just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there
would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided
to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given
the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.
As a result, he planned a romantic evening
with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants
in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring
between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely
painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately
his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first,
but then with a sly smile on her face said: "Jack that was
incredible. Can you do that again?" Jack, with his eyes watering,
replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure that I can fit
another roll up my ass."
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices
a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with
ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars
He approaches the bartender and asks him "What's
up with the jar?" Bartender goes "Well, you pay ten
dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."
The man nods and replies "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first. Those are the rules" snaps the bartender
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the
bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender says
"Ok, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink
that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND,
you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull
chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with
your bare hands. Third, there's a 90-year-old woman up-stairs
who's never had an orgasm in her life. You got to make things
right for her."
Man says "Well, I know I've paid my ten
bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts
to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from
there." "Your call. But your money stays in the jar"
replies the bartender.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a
few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon
of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears
are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face. Next
he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge
scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling,
and eventually silence.
Just when they think the man must surely be
dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big
scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's
that woman with the sore tooth?"
On preparing to return home from an out of
town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not
having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the
man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him
on board the airplane.
About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess
noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?"
asked the stewardess "Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning
and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to
make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy
on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." "What's
wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?"
"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot
day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole
digging s ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade
of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other.
"I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his
boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing
in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What
do you mean, 'intelligence'?" The boss said, "Well,
I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to
hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger
took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss
removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What
did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger
put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and
hit my hand."
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator
by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to
the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I will open
this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his
mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man
stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates
in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened
his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another
offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the
back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but
you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
One day, when the teacher
walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the
word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class,
scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Not finding
one, she quickly rubbed the word off the blackboard and began
The next day, the teacher went
into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the
word "penis" printed on the blackboard. Again, she looked
around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none.
She erased the blackboard again and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom
and found the same word written on the blackboard, larger than
the previous day.
Finally, one day, she walked
into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word. Instead,
there was written: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was
having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000
miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked
with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility
to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That
doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can
sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here
is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop.
Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back
to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your
The following weekend, the blonde made the
trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette
asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No,"
replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed
with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying,
"You can't take it with you". After much thought and
consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how
to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed
his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two
pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to
the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach
out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after
the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning,
came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh,
that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should
have had me put the money in the basement."
A couple had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman
said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married
for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just
think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast
table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What
do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped
to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey,"
the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I
wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your
coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work
cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman
entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes
away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare
and walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being
so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition...." Flabbergasted, the man asked
what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have
to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment,
withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five
$20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked
deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman
all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says
"I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found
a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even
know she smokes.”
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was
cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a
half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even
know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you
have got nothing to worry about. I was leaning my daughter's room
the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked.
I didn't even know she had a willy."
I think that pretty much does it for this week
girls and boys. Never Ending Story is on fox soon so I'm off to
watch that. Relive childhood favourites and all that shit. Anyways
thats me and I'm outta here. Until next time be good, stay off
the chems and don't forget to drop me an
Gotta love this time of year. October
is here and as such we're on the homeward stretch towards Christmas
and New Years and more importantly - summer. Sure, the weather is
still all over the place like a mad womans shit but in the next
few weeks it'll hopefully start warming up and spring will kick
I swear for the last two winters
I've really felt the cold more than ever before. Don't
get me wrong - the shorts and t-shirt clothing arrangement is strictly
adhered to basically all year round but I don't ever remember feeling
the cold like I have the past couple of years.
Same applies to summer. If you've
been surfing here for a while you'd probably remember me whinging
like a little bitch about how much summer annoys me due to excessive
To combat this and proove to myself
that I aren't just a whinger I've been psyching up myself all winter
that this summer will be different. I won't allow myself to be governed
by the cool sweet artificial air that makes life so comfortable...
I'll make an effort to drag myself away from airconditioned comfort
and get outside and enjoy the heat... IF it is possible to do such
The biggest flaw in my plan thus
far is that I hate [like nothing else] sweating because when it's
too hot or humid. I can only think of several things that shit me
more than that... one of which is seeing guy's kiss. It's gross
and can't be combatted. Anywhere from an over
crowded pub to standing on the side of the street to going to
buy cigarettes - you've no choice but to grin and sweat it out.
I guess it's only a matter of time
before I see how I do actually handle it but if past experiences
are anything to go by I'll end up doing like I do every year and
limit my movements to house, car and bowel.
Now this is a site that'll spin
you guys out - RevengeTV.com.
What do you do when your ex-bitch has burnt you? You burn her back
ofcourse! And what better way than to submit you favourite fuck
pics and vids of her to Revenge
TV!? This site truly kicks ass and is in a class all of it's
own! Check it @ RevengeTV.com.
Once in a while you find mecca -
that one place on the net that nails what you've wasted so many
precious hours of your life looking for... and that
time has come. I'm talking thousands of high quality pictures
of all your favorite celebrities all naked and all very much Exp0sed!
Don't believe me? Check out Exp0sed.com!!
One final thing you guys may wanna check out before you get stuck into this update is my new site - OrsmGames.net. Rather than sit here and bore you to death with how kick ass it is and how you'll probably end up wasting just as much time there as you do here why not just save me the trouble and go have a look for yourself! More @ OrsmGames.net.
Big thanks to a couple of you guy's
out there who got me some stuff off my wishlist
for my birthday. Much appreciated! My collection of Kevin Smith
stuff is steadily growing!
My new favourite site at the moment
- HotChix.net. The url explains
it all. Check it here.
This weeks task for all you boys
and girls is to email me something, anything or everything but definitely
not nothing. Why? Well why the fuck not eh? I'm happy to receive
anything including: a picture, a picture of you, your house, a story
[fact or fiction], a joke, videos, whatever - I dont care just send
something. If you don't want it on the site then make sure you tell
me! Same applies to your name [email addresses are are always removed
regardless]. Email me here!
Pelase sotp senidng me tihs:
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng
is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs
is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as
Engineers - What
A Wanker - Sick
Fuck - Big
Baby - Cool
Toy - I
Bowling - Anyone's
Guess - Meet
Mark Walker - I
After a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor
stood solemnly at her bedside. "I have something I must tell
you about your baby". "What's wrong?" the alarmed
mother asked. "Your baby is a hermaphrodite" "What's
that??" she replied. "It means your baby has both male
and female parts" "Oh my God" The woman exclaimed.
"You mean it has a penis AND a brain!?"
CLUBBERS GUIDE TO PERSONAL ADS
The following are actual ads placed
in the Personal section of the Ministry of Sound magazine [UK clubbing/Lifestyle
ARE YOU AGED 18-30,
female, slim build, into hardcore techno, a recent graduate and
into politics? Then f*ck off. I want a sh!t-thick 16 year old bird
with no opinions and massive tits. Reply to box xxxx
WERE YOU THE GIRL
with braids, blue T-shirt, platform trainers, dancing to left of
the stage during JFK's set at Passion last Friday? I was the guy
curled up under the speaker stack. I meant to talk to you but I
was hallucinating and I thought you had a wolf's head and flippers.
But I'm ok now. Reply to xxxx
ATTENTION ALL MAD
club heads in the Toxteth area going to Cream this weekend. Me and
my mates are going to nick all your valuables while you're out because
we're thieving scally bastards.
IF YOU ARE
a group of around four house fans in the Acton High Street area
of West London and you're particularly into old skool Chicago sounds,
please turn your stereo down because some of us are fucking trying
to get some sleep.
ARE YOU THE TALL BLACK-HAIRED
GUY in the black and silver
Versace shirt who I shagged in the Ministry toilets about three
months a go without any form of birth control? Please write to me.
I'd love to hear from you. Just to see how you are and stuff. Don't
worry, there's nothing to worry about. Really. It's just that I'm
going to have a... ummm... a PARTY! Yes, that's it.. A party. Reply
Lots of it. Reply to xxxx
WERE YOU THE
man standing three feet away from me at the bar in Fabric, smiling
weakly and smelling rather too strongly of Issey Miyake? Because
if you look at my tits one more time, I am going to glass you.
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged
couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The
pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of
two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were
you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man
replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations!
Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and
asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two
weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights
but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the
church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and
asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two
weeks," the young man replied sadly. "My wife was reaching
for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent
over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage
of her right there." "You understand, of course, this
means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome
at Bunnings any more, either."
A Chicano named Rodriquez went to his doctor
to determine the source of his sickness. The doctor, after a lengthy
examination, sighed and looked Rodriquez in the eye and said, "I've
got some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it's very bad. You'd
best put your affairs in order."
Rodriquez was shocked and saddened. But, being
of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from
the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been
waiting, Rodriquez said, "Well, son, we Chicanos celebrate
when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for
the bar and have a few beers." After 3 or 4 beers, the two
were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more
beers. They were eventually approached by some of Rodriquez's old
friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Rodriquez told
them that Chicanos celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to
tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told
his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
His son's eyebrows raised and he opened
his mouth, but Rodriquez raised his finger and the frown on his
face stifled what his son had planned to say. The friends gave Rodriquez
their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends
left, Rodriquez's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad,
I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Rodriquez said,
"I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers
his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice.
He heads into the centre of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All
of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice."
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again.
Once more, the voice speaks. "As I said before, there are no
fish under the ice."
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but
can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more
time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice
interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared,
so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are
you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied.
"I am the manager of this ice skating rink."
Three Drunk Women had a very late
night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home
their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes
about who was drunker the night before.
The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest,
saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As
soon as I got through the door I blew chunks for 10 minutes."
The second said, "You think that was drunk?
Hell I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree
I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest
by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband,
knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first
girl spoke out again, " Listen girls, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog."
I'd say the Aussie and Pommy
contingent reading the site right now will be all too familair
with Kate Richie - better known as Sally on Home & Away.
Every nite at 7pm for years now we've tuned in to watch an
annoying little girl with an imaginary friend named Milko
develop into an even more annoying young lady with a huge
rack. In real life it turns out that she wasn't as innocent
as we'd been led to believe and as luck would have it [for
us] she got around to making her very own sex tape! Check
Kate Richie Sex Tape: Part 1 -
WHY WOMEN ARE CRABBY
We start to "bud"
in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes
in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings
us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption
the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens
(or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp,
we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between
our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't
even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or
not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun
as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he
did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse),leaving
us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to
live on dry Crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend
the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures
that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little
angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making
us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies
now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants
every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed
Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the
mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain
all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while
the Gyno says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm
down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting
a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby)
square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed
10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only
to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful
little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,
life-sucking little Poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more?
The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual
prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere
around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all
that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother
of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in
those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether
Regions, or, sweat like a hog in January, wash your sheets and pillowcases
daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful
than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's
cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the
Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?
Yeah right. Bite me.
-- Author Unknown
A journalist is visiting sheep farmers
throughout the world to see how the job compares across the broad
expanse of climates, etc. He first visits British sheep farmers
and asks them lots of questions about the work involved and the
tediousness of life just looking after the sheep. Then at the end
of the interview he says, "Well thanks, but there was just
one thing I would like to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
"Ay opp. What's that then?" says the farmer. "Well,
you know there have been stories about sheep and shepherds for thousands
of years, you know, giving a sheep the odd shag."
"Ay. It's one of me perks of the job. Just
stick the back legs down the front of me boots, lift the tail and
away you go!" "Oh, right, thanks," says the journalist.
He then leaves and flies to Australia. Again he gets all the info,
then asks the bloke the same questions about, er, fringe benefits.
The grazier replies, "Yeh, 'cause we do, mate. Just stick the
back legs down the front of y' boots, lift the tail and, bam, away
The jounalist then flies to New Zealand and interviews
a sheep farmer there. Again he goes through the list of questions,
making notes. At the end of the interview he asks the question about
the sheep. The shepherd replies, "Of course we do. Just lie
them down on their backs, climb in between their legs and give a
good stiff pounding?" "Hmm", says the journalist,
"that's not the conventional method." He explains it to
the New Zealander who looks aghast and says, "How can you kiss
them like that then?"
A woman woke up and told her husband
of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks.
The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10." The
husband says, "What about one my size?" His wife responds,
"Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.
The husband wants revenge, so the next morning
he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an
auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and
the loose ones for $10." His wife says, "What about ones
like mine?" The husband smiles and says, "That's where
they held the auction."
One day a man has a terrible
stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells
him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with
a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6
"Right" says the doctor, "bend
over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down
and the doctor sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then
gives the man his course and sends him home. At home 6 hours later
the man realises that he can't stick the suppository far enough
up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery
bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over.
His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself
and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror
the man lets out a blood curdling scream.
"My God" she cries. "What's the
matter? Did I hurt you?" "No" replies the man. "But
I just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on
The teacher in Little Johnny's class
decided to make a deal with her class. Every Friday at the end of
the day, she'll ask them a question and whoever answers it can get
a three-day weekend. Well for a couple of weeks, the teacher asked
outrageous questions like "How many stars are there in the
sky?" or "how many grains of sand are there on the beach?"
Of course they're impossible. But Johnny got desperate to get that
three-day weekend. So, on Thursday night, he took two ping-pong
balls and coloured them black and put them in a paper bag.
Next day when the time came for the question,
as soon as the teacher said, "It's time for the question of
the week!" He emptied the bag and the ping pong balls rolled
to the front of the room. Since they are third graders, they snickered
and all, then the teacher said, "Okay, who's the smart ass
with the black balls??" Little Johnny sprang up and yelled,
"Eddie Murphy! See you on Tuesday!"
An Arab has spent many days crossing
the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that
his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain
that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls
to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has
a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop
or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a
genie. This is no ordinary genie – it appears to be a Hassidic
rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You
know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not going
to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust
a Jewish genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like
you're a goner anyway!" The Arab thinks about this for a minute,
and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in
a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." **POOF** The Arab
finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
**POOF** The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled
with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better
make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the
Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful
women." **POOF** The Arab is turned into a Tampon. Moral of
the story: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string
ONE FOR THE
LADIES [AND GAY MEN]
I constantly get accused of not
catering for the women that read this site but lets all
try and keep in mind I'm a hetro male and looking at pics
of guy's does nothing for me. Nonetheless I'll see what
I can do about keeping some of you chickee-babes happy in
future... starting now...
Toys - Boy
Toys - Boy
Toys - Boy
Toys - Boy
Toys - Boy
Toys - Boy
Toys - Boy
A married man was visiting his "girlfriend"
when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like
your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
Jmes replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly
do it, she would kill me!!" "Oh please?" the girlfriend
asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't,"
he replies..."My wife loves this beard!!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs
and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his
wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels
his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my
husband will be home soon!"
A teacher cautiously approaches
the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because
she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But
Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the
lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the
class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her
nest with some eggs." Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's
nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his
hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. "I
was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded
by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one
time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The
teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have
to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those
Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Following a night out with a few
friends, a man brought them all back to show off his new flat. After
the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large
gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one
of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock",
the man replied. "How does it work?" asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering
blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side
of the wall screamed, "For fuck's sake, give it a rest, it's
twenty to two in the fuckin' morning!"
Hi love the site, check it out regularly,
in regards to the creepy set of pics, I expect they are
all explainable, I know the
3 Men and a Baby one is. It's a cardboard cut out of
Ted Danson in a top hat that was seen earlier in the movie,
it wasn't supposed to be it the scene and a crew member
stuck it in the window behind the curtain thinking that
it wouldn't be seen, now wasn't that creepy. Keep up the
Subject: the ghost pictures, mainly the one from three men
and a baby.
Hi there, I was just reading your lastest
edition of Orsm and I checked out the ghost pics. The one
of the boy appearing behind Olympia Dukakis and "Becker"
in 3 men and a baby is really spooky. It was fobbed off
as a cardboard cutout at the time, but when you watch the
scene in freeze frame mode, you can actually see the boy
materialise from the waist up if memory serves me. Last
time I looked cardboard cutouts don't generally appear from
the waist up over 10 frames or so...
Subject: Nice, very nice ~~~
I've made it a point to read your site
every week. Your 9/17 issue was one of the best so far.
Instead of a helter-skelter, meandering, hodgepodge menagerie
of good chit, you seemed to have a theme running throughout.
I can honestly say I enjoyed myself this week.
Didn't pick it myself but cheers
Subject: Glorious flash at the rugby in the weekend!!
Hi, Love your site, am an avid reader.
This was the glorious piece of footage from the SA/Aus rugby
game in the weekend. Note how the camera starts panning
out then zooms in once the camera man knows whats up.. Full
credit to the lass. Rugby was the winner on the day.
The black out as seen
Subject: hey mr orsm thought u might like these
Gday, On the subject of ya car crashes
thought maybe you would be interested in in thease pics my
BF had last december . The car is a 95 civic (belonging to
me at the time). My Bf Decided it might be fun to ramm it
into a garbo truck at 150km/ph with 2 of his mates. It was
outside a pub in melb , So u can imagine the stunned drunks
at the pub all spinning out when all 3 of them walked away
only to punch on with the abulance guys about whos goin to
hospital. lol anyway cheers. love the site
ps my bf suffered massive internal
damage (died twice on the operating table) massives amouts
of broken bones as well as needing to learn how to walk again
from shattering his spin,tho i like fast cars and hot rods
in no way do i approve of street racing.
Subject: Hurricane Isabel
HELL HATH NO FURRY LIKE A WOMAN'S SCORN!!!
I've seen similar except I was in a way smaller
boat and the storm wasn't nearly as big. Scary shit when you're
out there and it turns nasty. -Orsm.
Subject: The Meaning Of
Your last update rocked. The Meaning
Of are friends of mine and posting their link pumped their
traffic up hugely (so if they haven't said thanks....
I will), I've attached a f**ked up photo of my flatmate
and her one legged Christian role playing stalker for your
amusement. This guy stalked her for a week after she drank
2 bottles of vodka + milk stuff and smutted him and threw
up. He came around to our place and dragged out a knife.
My only comment was, ‘he's only got one leg,
what is he going to do? Chase us?'.
Subject: Supercharged BA XR8
this turned up at work. it is enhanced
at herrod motorsport and was a xr8 with 260kw but now has
a vortex v2 supercharger and a rumored 340kw at the rear
wheels (400+) at engine, with suspension, exhaust end engine
management work also.
Subject: Video etc..
My little brother was 'pissing' me off
all the time. Paid him back (see video). feel free to use
the vid in an update. I have a whole heap of videos like
that.. home made videos of stunts, pranks etc but i have
no where to store them since the police shut my site (triple0.net)
down. I also have no money to re set up the site over seas
where the australian police have no jurisdiction. If you
could do anything to help me, ie lend me a subdomain with
a small amount of space, that'd be fuckin great. Leigh Robinson.
Subject: Harley 100th
Feel I owe something to the site. I live
in Milwaukee, WI. This weekend Harley Davidson had its 100th
party and over a million bikes came in to town. It was fuckin
nuts. Took over 300 pictures only to realize my shit camera
sucks. So here is what I could salvage. Please do not post
my name. Thanks.
Subject: Adam le Pew
Now, I'm sure you get many emails, asking
to have crap posted. Well, a while back, I sent a photoedit
of one of your regular visitors (Midget
in Pasties.jpg) and you posted it, knowing how much
he loved your site and wanted to be added to it's splendor.
Well, since then, that same individual has performed interesting
things to his hair, creating, what some has called, a Pepe
le Pew style. As such, here is another photo, comemerating
this advancement in the hair styling scene. Please post,
you will be greatly loved by many.
Subject: Who would have thought it
Whilst surfing through the websites checking
for fodder for my website which is commercial engineering
I came across one with oil rigs on and other connected services
which is my cup of tea,(is this getting too boring). After
taking off the information I required I went on to links
which normally takes me on to other contacts in my trade
and as soon as your site came up (to coin a phrase) I knew
that I had reached the pink flesh area that I used to and
do when the opportunities arrives revel in. What makes this
E Mail different to the horny correspondents who normally
write, next month I will be 80 years old and still have
not lost the interest of the females untapped wealth of
opportunities for us mere mortal males to have and share
for a happy sexual life. During the second World War I served
in the Indian Army in Burma and learned more about sex than
one could ever read about which is still giving great pleasure
Carry on keeping them randy, George.
On a train to a large computer convention
there were a bunch of computer programmers and a bunch of computer
engineers. Each of the engineers had a train ticket. The group of
programmers had only ONE ticket for all of them.
The engineers started laughing, figuring the
programmers were going to get caught and thrown off the train. When
one of the programmers, the lookout said "here comes the conductor",
all of the programmers went into the bathroom. The engineers were
The conductor came aboard, said "tickets
please" and got tickets from all the computer engineers. He
then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket
please". The programmers stuck the ticket under the door. The
conductor took it and moved on. A few minutes later the programmers
came out of the bathroom. The computer engineers felt really stupid.
On the way back from the convention, the group
of engineers decided that they would try that method, too. They
bought one ticket for the whole group. They met up with the programmers
in the same car.
Again, the engineers started snickering at the
programmers. This time NONE of the programmers had tickets. When
the lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers
went to one bathroom and all the computer programmers went to the
other bathroom. Before the conductor came on board, one of the programmers
left their bathroom, knocked on the engineers bathroom, and said
On the way to meet his regular foursome,
Joe gets delayed in heavy traffic. When he finally gets to the club
the starter tells him that he had no choice but to send off his
three buddies. "But", the starter says, "there's
a really nice lady who's ready to go." Joe protests but the
starter says that she's very nice and a decent player. Joe finally
decides to play with her.
During their round, Joe realises that he's having
a great time with her. They laugh, talk the whole time and, as the
starter said, she's a terrific player. Joe invites her into the
clubhouse for a drink after the round and it becomes 3 or 4 drinks
in two hours time. He then asks her to go out for dinner, and she
accepts his offer. After a great dinner, wine and dancing she invites
Joe to her home for a little coffee. Well, coffee turns to kissing
and fooling around, then great sex. Joe looks at his watch and sees
it's 11:00 PM and says, "Oh my god, I can't believe the time.
I've got to get home to my wife" and he bolts out the door.
When he gets home his wife asks him where he
was. He then tells her, "Honey I can't believe what I've done.
I strayed. I was on my way to playing with the guys early this morning
and I got caught in traffic. When I got there, they had been sent
out and the starter sent me out with this woman. We were playing
and having a really nice time. We had drinks, then we went out for
dinner, then she invited me back to her place, we had coffee and
before I knew it we were in her bed. Bit-a-bang, bit-a-boom clothes
were flying, having sex. Then I noticed the time and said that I
had to run home to you, and here I am." She thought about it
for a minute, looked at him and said, "Don't lie! You played
36 holes didn't you!?"
Hot Chix -
- Big Bad Bob
Site - Gen0cide
- Mad Pleasures
- Int3nt - Tumek
- Jinx Co
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two
year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country. Since
it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment
weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks
to take his 125 lb. wife. They approved.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek.
I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board
approved. The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and
says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds
of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone
is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out
of his personal entertainment. Well, it's obvious what the American's
been up to, He and his wife are each holding and infant. The crowd
The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a
10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't
understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the
podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row waving
a chewed up cigar at them and says: "Anybody got a match?"
A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer
were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist
was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to
say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in. "No,"
replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing
Under State law, if an execution attempt fails,
the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released. Then
the biologist was brought forward. "Do you have anything you
want to say?" "No, just get on with it." The executioner
flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist
Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.
"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red
and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole
day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I
think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As I watch
TV, or even eat, I think about women. Everything seems to make me
think about women." The two sat sipping in silence. A short
time later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always
thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old
son. The kid is spinning a 20-cent piece in the air and catching
it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps
into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight
into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking
and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and
screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a
grey suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts
his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and
places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his
unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the man carefully
takes hold of the kid's balls and squeezes gently but firmly. After
a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 20-cent
piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy,
the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat
in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered
no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts
effusively thanking him saying: "I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before - it was fantastic - Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work
for the Australian Taxation Office ."
There is a plane crash somewhere over the Tasman,
and some how a New Zealender, a sheep and a dog are the only survivors.
The trio are surviving quite well, on this tropical island, but
were getting a bit bored, they began to get into the habit of watching
the sunset from a small hill on the island.
One particular sunset, and the sky is absolutely
stunning, the clouds are tainted red and gold from the setting sun,
a truly beautiful sight, perfect for romance. The kiwi is now filled
with emotion and puts his arm around the sheep sitting next to him.
The dog however is not happy with this situation and proceeds to
bark and growl at the kiwi. So the Kiwi keeps his hands to himself
and they continue to watch the sunset.
A few more weeks pass and they realise that they
are not the only ones to survive the plane crash. In the very next
bay is another survivor, a perfect blonde woman with a gorgeous
body. The woman who also hasn't seen anyone for a few weeks
is more than happy to stay with the trio. So on the very next sunset
the view is once again perfect as the sky turned to those magnificent
colours the kiwi was having those same old feelings again and so
he turned to the beautiful young woman and says. "You wouldn't
mind taking the dog for a bit of a walk now would you?"
A man was walking down the street with a baby
ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was
doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We
have no children so he's going to live with us - just like one of
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even
sleep in the same bed with me and my wife." "But what
about the smell?" the friend asked. "Oh, he'll just have
to get used to it, the same way I did.
Bubba died in a fire and was burned pretty bad.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best
friends, Daryl and Boudreaux, were called for. Daryl went in and
the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl looked and said, "Yup,
he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled
him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange
and he was pretty sure of the body's identity. Boudreaux was then
brought in to identify the body. Boudreaux took a look at him and
said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over." The mortician
rolled him over and Boudreaux looked down and said, "Nope,
The mortician asked," How can you tell?"
Boudreaux said," Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What?
He had two assholes?" asked the mortician. Yup, everyone knew
about it, too. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "
Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Two gay guys, Roger and Colin, are walking through
London Zoo one day when they come across the "Rwandan Silverback
Gorilla" cage. Sitting upright just inside the bars is an eight
foot muscle bound Silverback Gorilla and Colin, being as gay as
you like, can't help but notice it's massive thick penis hanging
"OOOoooooh....Look at that donger on him
Roger!" Squeals Colin excitedly. "I've never had one that
size in my hand before!" Unable to contain himself, he reaches
through the bars and strokes the apple sized bell-end of the ape.Roger
tries to pull his boyfriend away but it's too late... the gorilla's
shovel-like hands clasp Colin's wrist and yank him through the bars,
into the cage. Roger screams in a gay fashion as Colin is dragged
into the bamboo hut.
Whilst in there, Colin is subjected to a very,
very, very, rough bout of anal sex with the Silverback. Roger covers
his ears to block Colin's screams and runs to get help. It takes
three and a half hours for the Zoo staff to lure the gorilla out
and to fire a tranquilizer at it. They call an ambulance and Colin
is rushed to hospital for major ringpiece surgery.
A few days later Roger decides to visit his gay
pal Colin in hospital as he hears he has now regained consciousness.
Colin is in bed crying his eyes out when Roger walks in. "How
are you feeling darling?" asks Roger quietly. "Awful!"
whimpers Colin. "That fucking gorilla shagged my arse rotten!"
"Does it hurt?" asks Roger. "HURT?" replies
Colin, tears rolling down his cheeks.. "HURT?...HE HASN'T CALLED,
HE HASN'T WRITTEN... OF COURSE IT BLOODY HURTS!"
The one, the only - Random Shite. Shop
around and you will see that there aint nothing that stinks
better than a good Random Shite! The Shite viewer can be found
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor
of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he
was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female
member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not
something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through
the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs.
Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place
for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she
began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had
had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady
her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the
floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound
up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here,
here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well
if you're that far you may as well finish."
There were three people stranded
on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette
looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles
to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore."
So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten
miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself,
"I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try
to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts
to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette,
as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles,
she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder
if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So
she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the
island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too
tired to go on!" So she swam back...
Well once again that pretty much
winds up another phat update. I shudder to think just how many hours
actually went into putting it all together but if you've read down
the page this far my work here is probably done.
Anyways I'm outta here. Until next
time be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to drop
me an email!