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Honestly feels like I've got far too much going on lately. Stress levels are sky high and there is always something else I'm supposed or need to be doing. I'm guessing that wouldn't be so bad if all I had to do was go out and drink beer every nite but back in the real world that just doesn't happen... well not until tomorrow nite but that's a whole other story.
Every time I sit at the computer I'm working. Very rarely do I get to just fuck around and surf the web for hours on end or play games anymore. Kinda sucks especially considering I just got a stack of new ones a few weeks back.
Despite the mandatory bleeding heart stuff I'm so good at I do actually get more done when the work load is high however the second things start to quiet down, I languish in laziness which leads to boredom which ultimately leads to whatever...
Updates are a funny thing. Every week is reminiscent of an episode of Jamies Kitchen or The Restaurant with the mad dash to meet the self-imposed Wednesday nite update deadline. To actually put everything together as you guy's see it every second week usually takes about two days of 14-16 hour marathons. Two days of sorting through porn, jokes, vids, links and pretty much anything else that's come my way.
So that leaves 12 days to slack off right? Wrong. The rest of the time is consumed with actually preparing all the pics and stuff into pretty little galleries that you guy's get to surf. It's almost at the stage where I am sick to death of looking at porn though. Who ever would have thought that was possible!?
Anyways on to something else... I finally managed to get my car stereo put in. Why finally you may ask? I haven't had decent doof doof capabilities since I wrote my first car off about four and a half years back. The funny thing was that I only had it in and working perfectly in my Falcon for exactly 1 week before I wrote the car off. The car I had after that I was, shall we say, not allowed to install a stereo. So basically for all that time everything has either sat around and collected dust or been dispersed to mates cars... until now.
I dropped my car in last Friday and they started work. Picked it up all finished - not enough bass. Went back in today to make a few changes and it came back out sounding 10 times better than I thought it would but even better again is it goes back Friday for a couple more changes just to bring an even bigger 'wanker grin' to my face.
YES! I am one of those retards you see driving around with stereo blazing flat piss! Yes I know it may look dumb. No I dont care...!!
Now this is a site that'll spin
you guys out - RevengeTV.com.
What do you do when your ex-bitch has burnt you? You burn her
back ofcourse! And what better way than to submit you favourite
fuck pics and vids of her to Revenge
TV!? This site truly kicks ass and is in a class all of it's
own! Check it @ RevengeTV.com.
One final thing you guys may wanna check out before you get stuck into this update is my new site - OrsmGames.net. Rather than sit here and bore you to death with how kick ass it is and how you'll probably end up wasting just as much time there as you do here why not just save me the trouble and go have a look for yourself! More @ OrsmGames.net.
Dam Newbies - Like Jail Bait? - Ultimate Ricer - Jump! - Play Prince Of Persia - Dumbass Coporate Lawsuits
Class Act - Screw Me - The Gubernational Mating Game - Burnout Scented Candles - Bikini Babes - Whoops!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said," I'm off, the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the door bell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..! ....." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you." Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start"? "Leave everything to me. I usually try in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too... you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my god!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look". "Four or five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too, the mother was constantly squealing and yelling- I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "Mrs. Smith leaned forward "You mean they actually chewed on your um... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you are ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work." "Tripod???" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long... Madam?... Madam?... Good lord, she's fainted!"
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
There was a party - a lot of people, a lot of booze, as it is with parties.
Suddenly someone says: "Did ya know, if you put a lightbulb in your mouth,
you can't pull it out?". Everybody says "No shit" and, as it was to be
suspected, someone finds a lightbulb and one guy puts it in his mouth. He
can't pull it out, of course, as his jaw pops out, so they call a taxi and
take him to the hospital, where he gets a muscle-relaxing shot and has the
lightbulb removed.
Meanwhile a new guy comes to the party and asks "where is everybody?", so
someone explains to him that this guy had put a lightbulb in his mouth etc.
So the guy says "no shit", grabs a lightbulb and puts it in his mouth... so they call another taxi and take him to the hospital as well. As they entered the hospital ER, they saw the first taxi driver.
Sitting with a lightbulb in his mouth...
A professor at West Virginia University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start.
Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said, "Goats!"
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A little girl comes up to a little boy in school and says, "Hey! What's a penis?" The little boy looks at her at says, "I don't know." She tells him, "Well, when you go home tonight, see if you can find out."
So the little boy is at home and his dad comes in. The little boy says to him, "Dad! What's a penis?" In a low voice his father says, "Come here, Son." and takes him into the bathroom. He unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, holds it, points to it and says, "Son, This is a penis! In fact, son, this is a perfect penis!"
The next day, the little boy is at school. The little girl comes up to him and says, "Hey! Did you find out what a penis is?" In a low voice the little boy says, "Come here." and takes her behind the bushes. He unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, holds it, points to it and says "this is a penis. In fact, if this was an inch shorter and full of wrinkles, it would be a perfect penis!"
ORSM VIDEO
UK Page 3 favourite Jordan is well known to many of us. Not only does she possess an awesome body but is the proud owner of two of the biggest breasts this side of pretty much any chick I can think of. So what's this vid of? Well it just happens to be Jordan getting chopped up by boy band wonder Dane Bowers...
- The Jordan Sex Tape - |
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition, when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper".
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he craps the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!!"
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
ORSM VIDEO
A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year-old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year-old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, OK?" The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops". WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do You want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fucking ass it won't be Coco Pops!"
A cucumber, a pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much there lives sucked. The cucumber said "Man my life sucks. Whenever i get big fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad!"
So the pickle looks up at him and says "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar!"
The Penis glared at them both and said "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out!"
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar... Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves tothe green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole." Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick a night."
READER MAIL
Definitely one of the most entertaining duties a webmaster must undertake is sifting through tonnes of reader mail that flies in from people across the globe... and in some cases, people who are obviously on another planet all together...
Jdillardsr
wrote:
Subject: vid
hey i got a prob i seen the dude with 2 dicks
and i told my by that it was true but when i went to find it i
couldent fid it u know the 1 when that nasty bicht sucking the
motherfucker my wife like it but i wanted to download it for her
but can't find ? and another thing i went to random shit i copied
some pics but the ones that i thought i had it was somthing else
help but i do think that your site is fuckin' kick ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ahmed Nasr
wrote:
Subject: [no subject]
hi I'm an arabic user who which if u could
get us some arabic pics or clips. your site is great. thank you
Orsm
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Ahmed
Nasr wrote:
Subject: [no subject]
hi Orsm. that's is my 2nd email & i wish
u could replay . i'm trying 2 find a cilp or pics 4 a virgin having
sex 4 the 1st time. and a rapist clip 4 a teen. if u have anything
u could help my by share. thank u 4 ur great site. |
Bruce wrote:
Subject: CAUTION!!! EXTREME WARNING!!! CAUTION!!!EXTREME WARNING!!!
The following picture is of a horrific accident
involving Canadian college students that had been consuming alcoholic
beverages. Parliament is considering turning the photo into a
poster to hang in post offices and Liquor stores across Canada
as a reminder to never ever let it happen again! Personally I
along with many others have chosen to write a particularly strong
letter to my local member of parliament stressing that it would
be a preposterously outlandish act to publicize the shocking event.
What if children were to see this mangled broken mess? What about
the feelings and families and the people that are notably suffering
in the photo??? Some people may find it necessary to look at it
others like myself find it terribly disturbing to view!!!
I hope you will join with me and countless
others and write your local member of parliament and put a stop
to this atrocity!!! Or just write back to me giving me permission
to add your name to the list of others that I will mailed to the
heartless people on parliament hill. I hope to hear from you ASAP.
Sincerely, Bruce. |
David D wrote:
Subject: human dignity
Hi Mr. Orsm. Long time reader of your site here. Really enjoy all the interesting stuff you put up. I was looking at the line for the "Human Dignity" picture you put on your recent update, and i believe that the last two pictures are fake. If you look at the second to last picture closely you'll notice that the uniforms of the "Israelis" are a different color and they now appear to be wearing body armor. Also you'll notice that the one visible tire rim of the truck in the background is different. And both pictures appear to be of a much better quality than the the others. I take no side in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict but i thought your readers should be reminded to not believe everything they see on the internet.
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Satanspapa
wrote:
Subject: Re: Human Dignity Caption In Oct 15 update
Dear Mr. Orsm, I am a huge fan of your site and eagerly await all your
updates. In regards to this caption, I would just like to point out that
the soldiers in those pictures are not Israeli. They are actually
Palestinian Authority Security Officers. You can confirm this by going to
the link provided. http://www.idf.il/english/insignia/tags.stm. Israeli
soldiers patches hang loose from the shoulder strap, they are not sewn onto
the sleeve. They are also smaller then the one shown in the picture.
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River Runner wrote:
Subject: Telemarketers
I noticed in your latest update on your web site, you've found it difficult to deal with these annoying callers. There are a couple of suggestions, if I may.
1. Set the phone down while preparing a meal. Let them listen to clanging and banging of pots and pans.
2. Speaking of "banging," let them know right away they've interrupted something. A lady I knew would tell them, "I'm right in the middle of giving my husband head! Do you mind if I continue?" This may backfire as they could listen in, if that's something they're interested in.
3. Keep a large, loud whistle by the phone. When they begin, give them an earful of a shrill whistle!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sophie Ellis Bextor - Priceless!
Hi!
Just a tip: The Norwegian newspaper Dagbladet just made an interview with pop
artist/singer Sophie Ellis Bextor - and just check the picture on the page.
Something for your page??
Natural red head I see. -Orsm
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Tommy wrote:
Subject: Our Prime Minister
I saw this press photo on the Sydney Morning Herald website. Looks like our Johnnie is trying to get fresh with the Chinese President.
PS: Orsm site. Been visiting for years now! That Kelle chick you posted this week is so hot. Anymore you have of here would be great! |
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gavin clark wrote:
Subject: Rugby WC
How you doing? I just thought I'd email you and wish Australia, New Zealand and any other team who has a chance of winning the world cup and beating England all the very fuckin' best. I'm from Scotland and everyone in Scotland knows we aren't the best at rugby or anything else for that matter but we still get behind our team and support them. All we've been hearing from the English media is that how they're going to win the world cup. Fuck, please no!!!! I'm not a rugby fan (is there any in Scotland?) but I've been watching and listening to the games and reports. The media think that because they beat Georgia by about 2 million points that they've got thre world cup sewn up. I hate England to so that's another reason I want them to get humped. I'm even drinking XXXX and Fosters!!!
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GUIDANCE wrote:
Subject: 10/15/03 update
I've been a visitor to this site for several years now, and I just wanted to say that this is by far the BEST update I've seen in a long time; the BEST since you posted those short clips with Adrianna Sage and Aria Giovanni, possibly the two best women on the net (my opinion). Anyway, just wanted to say the site's great, keep up the good work, blah, blah, blah.....
P S - I use some of your photos on my desktop and everybody always asks me where I get them from - I currently am using the picture of the tanker and the approaching hurricane - wow - Everybody loves that one.
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Living on the edge!
Hi, Orsm has helped me to keep my sanity at
my boring college student part time job for the last 3 years(no
net activity recorders that I know of), Thank you. Well anyways
traveling in the BC backcountry came accross this little bit of
reckless stupidity. A mother distracted by the beauty of the scenery
(see creek 40 odd feet below) almost took out the family. It took
two tow trucks a couple of hours to manuever the precariously
balanced suburban off the rail. Just thought you might enjoy this.
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Pixy wrote:
Subject: priceless picture
Dear webmaster i have a picture of my sisters
ex boyfriend he is a real jerk. please put this photo in priceless
thank you. by the way love your site
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Mike McDonough
wrote:
Subject: Male Beauty Product
Are you fat? Are you bald? Are you ugly? Are
you short? Are you sick? Are you stupid? Do ladies call you macho
or jerk? Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60? Have ladies lost
interest in you?
Do not despair. Now there is a new Male Beauty Product in the
market. This is such a revolutionary product that it gives fast
and effective results instantly... If you purchase this product,
and use it... Even only once or twice... You will see that even
the most beautiful and sexy ladies will not resist your charms.
This is the best "Male Beauty Product" on the market
and is available in selected stores now... Just take a look ...
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clive wrote:
Subject: No Subject
hi from south Africa. I have been visiting
your site for a while now and have to admit it hast to be NO 1
in the world. you have provided me with huge amounts of laughter
and entertainment. I have sent two vids for now. I have a few
more vids of witch I will send on the weekend, and still have
a few more to make. all the vids were taken by myself and were
done at the hustler rally. the one titled miss oz, I think won
in 1998 or 1999. she was bought out to SA buy hustler.
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Smaily wrote:
Subject: Missing dog, please help!
These were the last 3 pictures that were taken
of my dog while we were at the beach. Since then my beloved canine
has gone missing and I have posted these pictures everywhere with
a reward to anyone that finds Fido. Friends have looked at the
pics and cannot seem to identify the dog please can you help me
!!!
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The only cow in a small Newfoundland village stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the gulf in Nova Scotia for $200. They bought the cow from Nova Scotia and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
Finally the cow came into season. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, just what they should do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side... she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Nova Scotia ?" The people were astonished, since no one had ever mentioned where they had bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How in the
world did you know we acquired this cow in Nova Scotia ?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Nova Scotia.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you fucktard. Some jerk has stolen our tent!"
A man had been chugging down whiskey all night when the bartender called out, "Okay, people the bar's closing." So the man slurped down the last drink, stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside - hopefully the fresh air would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and again fell flat on his face again. So he began to crawl the block home. When he finally arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled though the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning his wife prodded him awake and said, "So, you've been out drinking again,huh? "What makes you say that?" he asked, puttting on an innocent look. "The barman called - you left your wheelchair there again!"
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. Eventually little Johnny’s turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY AND ETHICS
With all your honour and dignity - what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thinking. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, but yet spontaneous...
You're in Florida. In Miami, to be exact. There is a huge chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and all the flooding. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water masses. The nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar and important.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options - you can save him or you can take the best photo of your life and career.
So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo. A photo displaying the death of a very powerful man. And here's the question (Please give an honest answer):
Will you make the photo black and white, or colour? |
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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago..."
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Mary shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognised her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Mary's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Jaysus, Mary & Joseph, will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out tonight, and me without me bloomers on..."
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked and lying in bed, putting both legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked, and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom. "Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved. "I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did," he Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes," the farmer replied proudly. "I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.
Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife
every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue... I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and shit..." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works. Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice that's all. I just told her a poem... " "Well, what poem did you tell her?" he asked.
Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog... If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog."
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a Red Light District!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a house in a Red Light District smells like."
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks is she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. The girl is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne." "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he says. "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "You are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 -my parents still live there!" "I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give you.
ORSM VIDEO
The Australian Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to ATO..."
"The ATO!?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the Australian Tax Office... and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you!"
A bus full of nuns crashed, and all the nuns have, unfortunately, died. They
found themselves standing in a line before the Pearly Gates and St. Peter's
desk.
"Sister Mary, confess your sins" says St.Peter to the first nun in line. "Well, St. Peter, once I saw a naked man and I felt aroused the nun confesses". "Sister Mary, here is a bowl with holy water. Wash your eyes with it and you may enter."
Sister Mary did.
"Sister Elizabeth, confess your sins" says St. Peter to the next one. "Well, St. Peter, I touched a man's penis once and it ejaculated some sperm on my hand." "Sister Elizabeth, wash your hand with this holy water here and you may enter." Sister Elizabeth did.
Suddenly, there was some commotion in the line and a nun standing on the very end started pushing to the front. "What do you think you're doing, sister Magdalene?" asks an outraged St. Peter. The nun pushes to the bowl. "I want to wash my mouth with this water before sister Angela will have to put her ass in it!"
Well dudes it's time for the labour of love to end and that pretty much does it for this week. As always I hope you've managed to waste away countless hours when you were supposed to be doing something else!
Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't forget to check out Orsm Games! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
