Well here I am at that scary time
of the year once again. Time to increment the age count by one and
time to look in the mirror and wonder if the best years of my life
are yet to come or if they've already been. That's right - here
comes another god damn birthday.
Keeping within tradition, for my
25th birthday last year a
night of drunken debauchery was shared by my friends and I as
we partied away at my favourite bar until the wee hours of the morning.
I'm all for getting drunk beyond belief but by the time that nite
was over I was well and truly spastic drunk like I've probably only
been once or twice in my life. Had an awesome time.
So last update I was crapping
on about how the last 12 months have flown by and this was reaffirmed
earlier as I took a stroll down memory lane and looked at the pics
we snapped off at my birthday celebrations last year.
Pictures are a dangerous thing.
They bring back a lot of memories you would otherwise [choose to?]
forget. I sit here now thinking I know way more about the world
and it's ways, people and life than I did then. How I was more naive,
how I didn't have a clue.
Funnily enough thats something I
tend to do every year and right around this time too and you can
bet your money that I'll be sitting here in a year or so rapidly
approaching my 27th birthday thinking back at how stupid, immature,
naive and ridiculous I sounded writing this update.
It's for that reason I may actually
go buy myself a journal this year - one of those things I've been
meaning to get around to since before I even turned 21. Ideally
in 20 years time I'll be able to start reading back over what I
was thinking from around the time I turned 26 and make sense of
some of the questions above...
Oh incase any of you guy's are wondering
what to get me for my birthday you can find a whole list of shit
I need right
Now this is a site that'll spin
you guys out - RevengeTV.com.
What do you do when your ex-bitch has burnt you? You burn her back
ofcourse! And what better way than to submit you favourite fuck
pics and vids of her to Revenge
TV!? This site truly kicks ass and is in a class all of it's
own! Check it @ RevengeTV.com.
Am glad to say I finally got my
car back albeit a week longer than it was supposed to be... would
you believe 5 weeks all up!? The insurance assessors are to blame
here. Not only do they insist on making life difficult over the
simplest of things but they slow the whole process down making sure
the process is done their way and their way only.
That aside, the feeling of driving
it home from the panel beaters was comparable to the feeling I got
the day I picked her up from the car dealership and the immovable
grin was once again plastered across my face. All that remains to
be done now is for my stereo to be fitted this weekend and it'll
be happy days.
One more thing before we get on
with the update - to the lady [if on the off chance you may be reading
this] who's tooth I chipped/knocked out during my drunken dancing
demostration last Saturday nite in a somewhat packed Perth bar
I sincerely apologise but I swear it was accidental!
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Exam - World Cup Rugby
Mario What? - Badgers
Am The Monkey - Cum
Bandits - HSV
Clubby R8 - Impress
Your Date - Zurich's
True Beauty - Cool
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years
and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger
in their terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman
applied for the room and explained that she was a model working
in a near-by city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would
like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to
start straight away. "There's just one problem," explained
the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every
night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris.
"We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the
living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model. "Oh, he plays
darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied
Doris. "Good," said the model. "Now that that's been
I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts
match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping
off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that
she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she
smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself,
especially when modelling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this
oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true, I tell you!"
said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night
I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris
prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into
the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains
and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted
up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes,
he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But
why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?" "Just
to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess
you've seen me millions of times." "Yes, said Fred, I
have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
A man named Leroy is drinking in a bar and President
Clinton is giving an address on the radio in the background. Leroy
looks at the bartender and says, "Yeah, me and Bill go a long
way back, used to hang out together and do alot of fun things before
he became President..." The bartender looks at him and tells
him he doesn't believe him. Leroy asks for the phone, dials the
White House and asks for "Bill"; he talks for awhile joking
and laughing and presently hands the phone to the bartender who
is flabbergasted to be talking to the President of the United States.
A couple of weeks later, Leroy comes back into
the bar. They are watching a golf tournament and Jack Nichlas comes
on the screen for a putt. Leroy is like: "Yeah, ole Jack and
I go way back..." At this the bartender figures Leroy is full
of it so he bets him 20 dollars that Leroy is trying to put one
over on him. Leroy grabs the phone and dials and presently is talking
animatedly with someone who seems to be named Jack. Bartender steals
a glance at the TV screen and sure enough, Jack is talking on a
cellular phone; Leroy hands over the phone and the bartender just
shakes his head as he discovers that sure enough, it IS Jack on
the phone and hands over his 20 dollars.
About a week later Leroy comes in once again
and this time the Pope is on the television giving a televised benediction.
Leroy is like...Yeah, the Pope and I go way back, to before he became
Pope and now the bartender is sure that he has him. After the bet
the men purchase airfair and fly to Rome for the moment of truth
because the bartender is thinking the phone won't be good enough
for this one. They are standing in the crowd at the Vatican watching
the Pope and as the Pope finishes the Mass, Leroy works his way
through the crowd, up the steps, and thebartender is amazed to see
him shake hands and the conversation appears to be that which would
be expected between long acquaintances.
Presently, Leroy and the Pope come out into the
crowd to meet the bartender and Leroy sees the bartender sprawled
flat on his back, passed out cold, and looking pale. He splashes
water over his face and shakes him until the bartender finally starts
to come out of it. "What happened" asked Leroy.
The bartender replied: "While you were talking
to his holiness, this little old lady tapped me on the shoulder
and demanded to know who it was that was up on the dais with Leroy?"
A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on
Park Avenue getting her hair cut prior to a vacation in Rome with
her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? Italy's crowded,
dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how
are you getting there?" "Were taking Continental,"
was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?"
exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
"So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left
bank called Teste..." "Don't go any further. I know that
place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive,
but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are
small, the service is surly and they're overpriced."
"So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the
Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You
and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size
of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going
to need it."
A month later, the woman ran into the hairdresser
on the street. The hairdresser asked her about her vacation in Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "we not
only flew on one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked
and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me! The hotel
was marvelous, they'd just finished a $5-million remodeling job
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's
all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope
likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet
me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the
door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to
me." ""Oh, really... what'd he say?" He said,
"Where'd you get the shitty hair cut?"
A deserter GI was running down a road escaping
from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing
there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your
skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun
agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running
along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way". After the MPs disappeared,
the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said.
"I can't thank you Enough Sister, but you
see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood.
The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent,
but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would
have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't
want to go to Iraq either!"
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President
Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen. They
ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they
board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to 6 magnificent
white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the
thousands of cheering Britons, all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the
most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British
Empire and the smell was excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs
over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries
of state do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr President
please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some
things that even a Queen cannot control." George Bush, always
trying to be "presidential," replies: "Your Majesty,
do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned
it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
Everyone know's good old Arnie from the
tonne of action movies he's done but what was not known to
most of us was the drug [ab]using past of the muscley Austrian.
Check it out...
Schwarzenegger: Pot Smoking -
There's a Russian general, his aide, a pope and
his wife and daughter riding the train all in the same sleeping
compartment. Suddenly the aide gets up and says: "Sir, going
to take a leak, sir!" and walks out. The pope is outraged.
"General" he says "how can you,
being a man who fights for his beloved country, who has been distinguished
with so many medals, how can you allow your aide to behave like
this? Who do you think I am? I am the servant of God, I lost all
my hair in His service. Who do you think my wife is? She married
me young, never had any other man in her life. Who do you think
my daughter is? She's a young, innocent, sweet child. How can you
allow your aide to behave like this in our presence?"
The general tries to explain, gets all apologetic.
The aide returns, and the general starts scolding him. "What
do you think you're doing, you moron? I am the servant of this fucking
country, I have been distinguished with many fucking medals, and
you go 'take a leak'"? Who do you think this bald guy over
there is? An old stupid fart? No, he's a servant of God, who ripped
all his hair out, and you go 'take a leak'"? And who do you
think this fat whale is, an old whore? No, she's his wife, nobody
else wanted to fuck her, and you go 'take a leak'"? And who
do you this skinny ass over there is, a young slut? No, she's his
daughter, who was never fucked before and never tasted a cum in
her mouth, and you go "take a leak"? Get the fuck outta
here and don't you dare go take a fucking leak until we get to Moscow!"
Four men were bragging how smart their cats were.
The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third
a chemist and the fourth was a public servant. To show off, the
engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everybody agreed
that T-Square was pretty smart.
The accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen Tim
Tams, he divided them into four equal piles of three each. Everybody
agreed that Spreadsheet was also pretty smart.
The chemist said his cat could do better. He
called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure
got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a litre of milk, got
a 250 ml glass from the cupboard and measured our 200mls without
spilling a drop. Everybody agreed that Measure was also pretty smart.
Then the three men turned to the public servant
and said, "What can your cat do"? The public servant called
to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee
Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the milk, pissed
on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a provisional improvement
notice for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers
compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines
from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the
window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby
dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer)
told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight
attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The flight attendant responded, "Did your
mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was
the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can
explain it to you."
Murphy lost his hat and decided that he would
go to Church on Sunday and steal one. He knew Casey always wore
a similar hat to his own and he would sit behind him during the
Mass and sneak it away at the most opportune time. Well, the priest
was giving the sermon about the ten commandments and Murphy got
so engrossed in it that he forgot about stealing the hat.
After Mass he went to the priest and said, "Father,
I want to tell you something. I came here today with all intentions
of stealing a hat, but after listening to your fine sermon, you
made me change my mind." The priest was overjoyed and asked,
"What was it I said that made you change your mind? I bet it
was the commandment where it says thou shalt not steal."
"No," replied Murphy. "It was
that commandment where it says thou shalt not commit adultery. That's
when I remembered where I left my hat!"
Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates
to meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins
that he had done going around sucking blood & killing. "I'll
give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll
send you back to earth, but not in a human form. You can be reincarnated
into any other living thing of your choice. So, what would you like
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I
want to become a living thing with wings and sucks blood, heh, heh,
heh." "So be it", said God and He turned Dracula
into a vampire bat. So back to earth he went, flying around sucking
the blood of animals until one day when a farmer killed him. So
up he went again to meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and
a little batty).
"I'll give you another chance", said
God. "I'll send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat.
What will it be this time?" Still adamant, Dracula said, "I
still want to be a living thing with wings and sucks blood!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if that's what
you want", and turned Dracula into a mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around
and sucking blood until one day, splat, he was squashed by his victim.
So up he went again to meet God, feeling stupid (and rather bugged).
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself. but this
time you cannot become a living thing. You can only be turned into
a non-living thing of your choice. So what will it be?" asked
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...
then turn me into a non-living thing with wings and sucks blood!!
heh... heh.." "No problem," said God and He turned
Dracula into a tampon.
A beautiful, well endowed young lady walks into
her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around
the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex
Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's
watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
"I'll take one!" The man packaged the frog and smiles,
"Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods,
grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes
the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and
reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do: 1. Take
a shower. 2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume. 3. Slip into
a very sexy night dress. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down
on the bed.
She quickly hops in bed with the frog and, to
her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and
quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices
at the bottom of the paper it says,"If you have any problems
or questions, please call the pet store - we answer calls 24/7/365."
The lady calls the pet shop, delighted that some
business still take customer satisfaction seriously. The man says,
"I had some complaints about those frogs, earlier today. I'll
be right over." Within thirty minutes, the man is ringing her
doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See??... I've
done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing
just sits there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up
the frog, stares directly into its eyes and angrily says: "Listen
to me!" "I'm only going to show you how to do this, just
one more time!!"
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high
scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously.
After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise
they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive
stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns,
carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks
Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT??"
exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she
gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?"
asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered
the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said,
'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll
bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
|TERRIBLY TRUE TRUISM'S
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because
it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's
your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show
you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed
in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she
thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of
Little Timmy is playing on the street when he
spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately
recognises the possibilities and approaches his daddy: "Dad,
I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100
Dollars straight." "Son, well, while this is a very good
offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing
those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa."
So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather:
"Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars."
"Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?",
asked his grandfather. "Gee, I don't know. But they do look
like the ones that were shown on TV!" "Tell you what,
Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work OK, I'll give you
the money tomorrow."
The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather
again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed:
"But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!" "That's
OK, Timmy, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!"
A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on
the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender "listen,
I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will
last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime
for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something".
The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out.
The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking
duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: "listen,
there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime
and see for yourself'. So the next day the circus owner waits in
the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a
shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: "Hello
sir, I'm a circus owner and I wan't to offer you a job. I can give
you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best
hotels, best women, whatever you want". The duck considers
his offer for a moment and says "so you're a circus owner,
"Right" "And your circus is one
of those big tents, right?" "Right." "With a
sandy arena in the middle?" "Yes" "And with
rows of seats around?" "Correct" "So what the
fuck you need a bricklayer for???"
Absolutely phenomenal amount of email
flooding in from you guys lately, especially now that all the college
crew have come back from the summer break. If you wanna drop me
a line you can do so here but please
note that with the volume I receive it's not always possible to
Subject: Ferrari + willunga hill + can't drive = ...........
Hey Orsm, Thought youd like this. Some freak in a brand
new ferrari had a slight bingle up the road from where i
live. How to bugger up a ferrari in a few easy steps. Start
by being complete peckerhead who can't drive, go 200+ down
Willunga hill in South Australia, wander across 3 lanes,
swerve to miss oncoming traffic, lose control, slide, charge
up and over an embankment, flip x 3, land on roof and slide
to a stop. For added Zing, make sure Ferrari is 3days old
and $400K worth and your insurance wont pay out because
you were drunk! Priceless!.
Subject: Re: Gray Davis economics
Mr Orsm, It's
all true. We want the rat bastard outa here. Since recalls
became state law around 1910 there have been about 20 recalls
attempted. All failed to get enough signatures in time.
This recall got about 3X's more than the minimum needed
a month before they were due.
It started when he was re-elected
(!?) yup. And the next week he revealed that the budget deficit
wasn't a couple billion but 20 or 25 billion. Quickly it was
realized that it's actually closer to 35 billion. Whoopsie.
There are 135 people currently
on the ballot for governor. Actually 134 because a guy was
arrest on suspicion of murder. This is quite the circus in
Subject: Gravitational pull of a new car
Firstly, great job managing your website
for as long as you have, it's probably the most thorough
website I have had the pleasure of bookmarking. Secondly,
I hate AOL as much as the next non-American, but it's a
free trial so what can you do?
After considering the issue
and reading your latest update, I've come to the conclusion
that there must be some sort of increased gravitational pull
to the standard new production car. This increased gravitational
pull attracts all sorts of idiots with at least 2 cylinders
and at least one half of a brain cell to hit the vehicle,
doing notable damage to it and almost nothing to their junkers.
Also noteworthy is the percentage of said idiotic wankers
who happen to lack insurance. If that doesn't piss off every
red-blooded human being who has the ability to drive, then
just call me George W. Bush and be done with it.
Subject: COOL PHOTO'S
Dear orsm, after being addicted to your
site for the last year. i thought i might try my luck and
send some photo,s in. the 1st backyard lightning, was taken
from my backyard about 1;30am. the photo took about 20mins
to do but,i think end result made it worth it. i was up
till about 2;00am. the storm lasted all weekend. it was
all done in camera with no digital enhancement.the 2nd power
loading, was a few years ago i followed the storm from the
the old abatoirs in south freo all the way down to penguin
island. all up about 6 hours,a lot of film but my best night
yet.the 3rd helitanker, was from a fire in parmelia this
year,the heli tankers were called in to fight the fire,and
the closest water to fill up from was the man made lake
in the new bertram estate. i had 2 of the photo,s printed
in the local paper.
Subject: cool video for your site
Hey my friends and I started a website www.bleacheatingfreaks.com.
We do crazy things and then put it on the site. Here is a
video of us jumping a van. Though you would like to use it
on your site. I have the same video saved as two wmv files.
One is 1mb and the other is 3mb. If you want the smaller vid
let me know and I will send it to you. The only difference
with the videos is file size.
Subject: The power of a torpedo
Hey bro...not sure if you've been sent
this before.... It's the test firing of a Mark 48 torpedo
in Australian waters in 1999. The torpedo was fired at the
2700-ton Destroyer Escort from over the horizon. The plume
of water and fragments shot some 150 meters skyward as the
blast of the torpedo cut the ship in two. The torpedo warhead
contains explosive power equivalent to approximately 1200
pounds of TNT. This explosive power is maximized when the
warhead detonates below the keel of the target ship, as
opposed to striking it directly. When the detonation occurs
below the waterline, the resulting pressure wave of the
explosion "lifts" the ship and can break its keel
in the process, breaking the ship in two. Cheers!
Subject: titties and twat
heres a couple I'd like to see on orsm.............
but please do not publish my e-mail address
Subject: Funny Office Joke (Read the story first, then see
the pic )
Please read story before opening attachment!
Look at photo carefully after you read the story. Yesterday
I was with one of my interns in the lobby when a receptionist
complained that her printer wasn't working. The intern horsed
around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer.
He started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get
the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now,
just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use
it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabs a piece
of paper and starts scrawling on it. I left before he finished
the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes
in and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper
on a printer and went to investigate. This is what he found.
Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want
Hey ORMS. These pics go back a few years
now. The guys computer and cam were actually hacked. The
pics tell the story...
Subject: "Columbia" tragedy pics....
Actually, the odds of them being faked
at close to 100%... Here's why. About an hour before the
shuttle broke up, she was flying ass first and upside-down.
When she started to break up what when she was completing
the turnover maneuver, which involves the shuttle turn the
nose "upstream" down toward the earth, and then
rotating a full 180 degrees that way to become upright once
again. Columbia never completed that maneuver. While the
pics are cool, they most definitely are NOT of Columbia..
Subject: Columbia pictures
You have probably already gotten several
emails about the pictures of the shuttle explosion on your
site, but just in case you haven't, here is the truth. The
pictures are actually screen captures from the movie Armegeddon.
The full story is on www.snopes.com
at this link... http://www.snopes.com/photos/shuttle2.asp.
Keep up the great work, J.Pittman
Subject: Shuttle Pics
The so-called Spy Satellite pics are DVD
captures from the (bad) movie "Armageddon". I have
file called "Shuttle_Departure.PPS" which is purported
to document Columbia's last "piggyback" atop NASAs
747. Sadly, it's 2.2 mB, so I can't email it. Here's
a link to someone else who hosts it. Love the site!
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by
an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So,
you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival,
you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will
grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The
Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the
Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops
away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde
woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the
Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and
loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over
the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver
again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive
than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
The following morning the Indian Chief is again
impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will
still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?" The Lone
Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver
is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone
Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and
says, "Listen very carefully, for the last time I said... BRING
This little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What
is politics?" Dad says, "Well, son let me try to explain
it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's
call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household,
so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of YOUR
needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. The nanny, well, she works
hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working
Class'. And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'.
Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad had
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled
his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds
his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the
Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his
father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his
father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own
words what you think politics is all about". The little boy
replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and
the Future is in Deep Shit!"
DONT RUN FROM THE POLICE!
A narcotics traffic stop on the Downtown Connector
turned deadly Saturday afternoon when a man climbed over the interstate
railing, fell about 35 feet and was decapitated on a wrought-iron
fence, Atlanta police said.
Officers in a marked car stopped
the man about 4:30 p.m., as he drove south on the interstate above
Auburn Avenue. The man, who has not been identified, stopped his
vehicle and tried to flee by climbing over the railing, Lt. Danny
Police still are investigating
whether the man jumped or fell off the raised interstate. "This
is a new one for me in 29 years," Agan said. The decapitation
shocked people who work in the neighborhood. Gary White, an income
tax preparer, came out of his office when he heard the commotion.
"It's surreal," White said.
Agan said narcotics officers
had been trailing the man for much of the day. Agan did not know
if the officers who tried to arrest the man would be placed on administrative
leave. "This is not something normally covered under the [standard
operating procedure] of the department," he said.
A little boy who said his prayers every night
would say, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless the
cat, and God bless the dog." Well, one day the little boy was
playing with the dog, and the dog bit him. That night when he said
his prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God
bless the cat, and I don't care what happens to the dog."
The next morning when they woke up, they found
the dog dead. A few days later, the little boy was playing with
the cat, and the cat scratched him. That night when he said his
prayers, he said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and I
don't care what happens to the cat."
The next morning when they woke up, they found
the cat dead. A few days later, the little boy got in trouble with
his Daddy. That night when he said his prayers, he said, "God
bless Mommy, and I don't care what happens to Daddy."
Well, Daddy had heard the little boy's
prayers every night and remembered what had happened to the dog
and the cat. So, that night, Daddy stayed up until the wee hours
of the morning, determined that he would fend off anything that
tried to kill him. Finally, he gave up and went to bed. He awoke
the next morning, feeling grateful that nothing happened to him
and went to retrieve the morning paper and the fresh milk bottle.
When he opened the front door; however, he found the milk man dead.
Three guys found themselves in Hell: Vince, Glen,
and Shawn. A little confused at their present situation, they were
startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was
perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3' 4",
dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Vince,
you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity
in bed with this woman!" And Vince was whisked through the
door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and
so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even
more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7'
tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled
her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Glen, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this
woman!" And Glen, like Vince, was whisked off.
Neil, now alone, felt understandably anxious,
and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door
inched open, he strained to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Shawn jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful
woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice
of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned..."
A plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when
suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked
hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane
to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place.
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside
and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash
right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's
head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill
HIS brains all over the place."
The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the
gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart
and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you
shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll
die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and
then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take
this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said,
"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have
no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out
of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot
me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die
along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and
this time held the gun to the blonde stewardess's head and demanded,
"Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all
over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned
over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned
beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind
some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the
stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told
him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be
the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."
The owner of the local corner market noticed
Little Johnny start hanging out his store. The owner didn't know
what Little Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly
tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy
of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes
they would offer Little Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents)
and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they
said, because it was bigger.
One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel,
the store owner took him aside and said, "Johnny, those boys
are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth
more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger,
or what?" Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner
and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if
I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
A man was walking through a forest pondering
life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close
to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he
felt if he spoke God would listen.
So he asked, "God, are you listening?"
And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here." The man stopped
and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "God,
what is a million years to you?" God replied, "Well my
son, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So the man continued to walk and to ponder...
walk and ponder...Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God,
what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My
son, my son... a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It
means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is
so little." The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked
up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replied, "In a second."
A young man who was also an avid golfer found
himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he
hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he
had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman
shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young
man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed
the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly.
He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't
waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young
man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree
right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the
green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the
old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit
the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster
swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree
trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it
had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of
course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
There was an engineer who had an exceptional
gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later
the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem
they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed,
but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer
reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At
the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on
a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This
is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine
worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000
from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemised accounting
of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark:
$1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999. It was paid in full and the
engineer retired again in peace.
A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders
a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can
pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have
any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before,
will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if
what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into
his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on
the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across
the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing
Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've
never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good
on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender
for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink",
says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls
out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to
sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A
stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and
offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes
the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger
runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you
some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have
been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so",
says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist.
A Russian guy gets in a train in France and tries
to find himself a seat. Every compartment is full, so he walks this
way and that and finally sees a lady with a little dog occupying
two seats. "Madame, could you please take your dog on your
lap, I'd like to sit down" he says. "You Russians are
so rude! Can't you see my Fifi is tired?! Go find yourself another
seat!" says the outraged lady.
So the Russian walks the train some more, but
finally he returns to the compartment angry and says "Lady,
there are no free seats on this train, I'd really appreciate if
you could take this dog on your lap". "You Russians are
such boors! Look, you woke my Fifi up! How rude of you!" The
Russian can't stand it anymore, so he grabs the dog and throws it
out of the train's window.
Suddenly a man sitting in the same compartment,
a perfect English gentleman, says: "You Russians do everything
wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the street, you hold fork
and knife in wrong hands, and now you threw the wrong bitch out
of that window."
A woman received a phone call that her daughter
was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy
for some medication her daughter. When returning to her car to find
she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick
daughter, and didn't know what to do.
She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter
was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger
and use that to open the door." The woman found an old rusty
coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys
in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't
know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God for
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man
with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great
God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate,
and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to
her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car and in seconds
the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she
said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out
of prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again and
cried out loud... "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
Well what can I say... after working vigorously
for countless days and nites to crank out an update of this size
I find the only thing I can do after such massive exertion is immerse
myself in a bathtub filled with ice to bring my body temperature
down. To make a full recovery I need some help so if you're a young,
blonde, naked female with big tits please email
Anyways that about rounds everything up for this
week. Don't forget to have a beer for me this Sunday! Until next
week be good, stay off the chem's and remember: last minute birthday
presents can be purchased for me here!
Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.