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April 2004...
orsmupdate 2004.04.29-20.32
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Welcome and for some of you welcome once again to Orsmnet. If it's your first time in this overtly heterosexual orientated corner of the internet then brace yourself as you have just entered the realm of one of the most tireless purveyors of all the good things in life... porn, jokes, videos plus a bunch of other stuff too... and it's all free! Pretty cool huh!?

Ever heard of the great Australian dream? It is, or so I am told, 'owning your own home' and now more than ever this ideal is being rammed down our throats. It's all over the news, all over the lifestyle shows and it's all anyone ever talks about. Has it always been like this or do you suddenly hit that age where it's what you are supposed to be doing? Long gone are the day's where you live week to week.

Don't get me wrong here - I'm looking forward to delving into this world of having a mortgage so big that it'll consume 25 long years of my life paying it off and I'm looking forward to having a place that I can truly call my own but it's a scary proposition.

I remember back maybe 3½ years ago going into the post office to renew my driver's license. I filled out the form and owing to the fact I actually had more than $5 in my pocket at the time, I renewed for 5 years as opposed to my normal 1. As simple and little as that was a thing to do it made me think long and hard. Although completely insignificant it's the first thing I had ever done that made me realise I had no fucking idea where I would be or what I would be doing in 5 years.

The next one after that was signing a lease for 12 months when I first moved out of home. Seemed at the time to be kind of restrictive - what if I wanted to move out after a few months and I couldn't? But here I am 2 years later and about to sign another lease... in the same house I might add.

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My next biggie was the car. Before I signed the countless finance application papers they throw at you it crossed my mind a few times what I would do if I couldn't afford to make repayments... what if I wanted to go travelling etc but I think in the end I was too blinded by wanting a new toy. So far so good with that one thankfully...

So with them ones out of the way the natural progression of things would be home ownership. A 25 year commitment to responsibility. The pressure is on too... both from the parentals constantly nagging me and me constantly nagging me.

There's no chance I am getting out of this one either. I look around and see most of my friends already set sail down this path and find myself thinking I had better hurry up and get my shit together otherwise I'll turn around in 25 years time and realise I've been left behind...

I guess I don't really know what my point is here. When you're staring down the barrel of 1 year or 5 years or however long it seems like a long time but it's honestly fuck all. I'm in my mid-20's now and I have no idea where the last 10 years have gone so it's a safe bet that the next 25 will do exactly the same thing...

Speaking of houses, you can easily find your nude & horny neighbours over at Newbie Nudes. Among other things such as the blogs, they've just launched their profiles area so you can now search for people in your area to hook up with or just see their nude pics. Check it out - Newbie Nudes just keeps getting better.

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. You won't be disappointed!

Party School is the home of the hot college coed and 24 hour party. Lauded by Playboy magazines last party school issue, we know how to get wild. Hot pictures, videos, drinking games and a massive college community. Still got doubts that Party School is the greatest site of it's type anywhere in the world EVER? Come play with us and find out for yourself @ Party School!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Ever heard of MyFreePaysite.com? It's the web's only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, check out the Voyeur Dorm, watch Snoop Dogg fuck bitches while he raps about it, and even download the Paris Hilton video all for free. Plus they've got tons of streaming full-length porn movies. And all you need is an email addresss to join! Shit, they'll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Stacey Ferguson... the chick from the Black Eyed Peas...

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A General Speaks - Comics 14 - Comics 15 - Comics 16 - Disturbingly Funny - Wild Engine Build - Plays Smoothly

Images Of War - Pinguins Everywhere - So Gay - Scary Stuff - Play With My Boobs - Funnel Or Tunnel

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship... maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Wow. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means... let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment... maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... scum balls.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)" "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that... it's that I... I need some time," Elaine says. There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And THAT'S the difference between men and women!

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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."


Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

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A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think... " and was promptly sucked into the magic mirror...

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On a tour of Perth, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a West Coast Eagles jacket, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Dockers jackets aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Eagles fan from the water.Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in Dockers' garb beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Dockers and Eagles fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope, " one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack shit about shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"

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Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fella, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens. Look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this old man. It's time for the old to step aside and the young to take over so take a hike!"

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster snarls, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full domain over the chicken coop." The young rooster smiles, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

The two roosters line up in back of the farm house. A hen clucks "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion, looks up and sees what's going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens! Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust: "DAMN IT! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week."

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Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin' me."No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewellery, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves.

Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "Sweetie, this just isn't your day."


Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: "Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter: "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ass - go as a toffee apple."

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A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the bloody jar open.


There's something just so god damn funny about watching someone get hurt and this vid, which whilst watching almost caused me to bust a lung from laughing so hard is no exception. It's a simple case of 'thats what you get for trying to be a smart-ass'.

Grape Stomper: Owned

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bul".

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A Cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the golden gate and said,"You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking". The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on. "God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven at the same time. God met the mice at the gates of heaven with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said, "Well we have had to run all of our lives, from cats, dogs and even people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller skates we would never have to run again". God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is every thing okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. My pillow is so fluffy and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious."

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A Greek family is sitting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question. The father said, "Ask away." The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" "Yes, when you see them, they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Can I ask a personal question? Mum, how many kinds of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root and the balls are there for decoration only."

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A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

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A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three 'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.


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Dear Napisan, I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a tub of Napisan OxyAction with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and then my lawyer said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad Wrap people...

Signed, Relieved Menopausal Wife.

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At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, you guessed it - Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, "Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"


Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

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A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

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A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.

After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine". So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

Apart from the couple of thousand or so virus infected emails to come my way each week there always seems to be a steady flow of stuff from you guys. Nothing I love more than logging on each morning and finding something interesting to keep me occupied. If you wanna drop me a line you may do so here.

Paddy wrote:
Subject: True colours
G'day ORSM, I love your work. There's nothing quite like a good ol' April fools joke to find out what a person is really like. Some of these tight-arse dumb-arse cunts wouldn't be able to smell a sloppy turd if it hit them square in the face. They bitch and moan about paying money for a quality website, (which couldn't have been a more obvious April fools joke) and clearly don't appreciate the amount of time and effort you put into it. Talk about wanting something for nothing! I put it to you, Mr ORSM, that if these scum-of-the-earth sponges had a chance to "sell out", they wouldn't think twice about doing so. P.S. See if these fuckwits fall for it (again) next year.

Robby Coleman wrote:
Subject: sorry :o(
Im really sorry for ruining this one, i wanted to believe, i realy did! Check the link here.

Damn... it was just so fucking cool too. -Orsm

Mick Draper wrote:
Subject: Those desert spiders....
Hey Orsm mate. I'm sure being the web guru you are, you already know those 'Iraqi' desert Camel spiders are quite harmless. They according to the sites i visited are shy and nocturnal and DO NOT have any poisonous venom with which to gnaw off your leg or kill camels for their blood. They usually live off other insects and scorpians. apparently there are smaller versions in the US/Mexican deserts. Check out this site FYI.
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Bill Gleeson wrote:
Subject: Prycless
I'm thinking you can take some legal action against this ! If Mastercard can get you on Pryceless, then you should be able to sue these guys for OSRM ? :) Click here for the article.

Bruce Todd wrote:
Subject: Bank Accounts Compromised
All, please read and beware, this happened to me last week. You see it on television but never think it will happen to you. Well, it happened to me. Someone compromised my bank accounts. The banks call it "Skimming" and apparently it is happening all the time. Here is how it happens. You hand your bank card over to a teller to make a purchase via debit. The teller swipes your card through the machine as normal and then makes like there is a problem with the card. Cancels that transaction and restarts. They may reach below the counter for a plastic bag claiming the magnetic strip is faulty on the card. I am sure we have all seen the "bag" trick. The point is there is allot of movement of your bank card and you do not see the teller swipe your card on a hand held small scanner (fits in the palm of the hand kind of small).

From here the bag tick does it's job and your typing in your info on the keypad to finalize the purchase. What you need to know here is most important. Cover the keypad with your free hand as you type your PIN number. If the teller sees your PIN then they are in. Don't be fooled! Cameras on the ceiling and behind you can also record you as you enter your PIN. Once the thieves know your PIN they make a false card (apparently this is extremely easy to do) from the info the scanner has read. From here it is off to the nearest branch ATM and they have access to everything. Deposits of empty envelopes and large withdrawals is what happens next. Not at all fun.

So, do not let anyone see you PIN!!! Forget about looking like the over protective and untrusting moron at the counter by covering the keypad as you type. DO IT!!! Support places Safeway and Wal-Mart where they never touch you card and ask that you be responsible for swiping it. Above all change your PIN from time to time. With out the PIN thieves can not do anything.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: orrsumm
Hey Orsm, Out at a job last week in Belmont (West Aust), found this car nearby. Any relation?? or have you rolled into some instant cash?? Cheers for your great site. (no details listed please)

Anyone know this guy? If so can you please get him to email me! [Don't worry it's nothing bad!] -Orsm

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Gord K wrote:
Subject: If it's too much snow to shovel, find a new use for it.
Hi there, love your site, have killed many a boring afternoon surfing it. Just got these pictures from my sister on Prince Edward Island, if you haven't heard anything about it in your 40 degree temps, the eastern coast of Canada has been getting the crap kicked out of them by the worst winter in one helluva long time. Cheers, enjoy.

bashir muna wrote:
Subject: [no subject]
Not only has the website gone tamer, the women have gotten more and more average. 2nd rate. Also do you have a vagina phobia dude? First there was Holly, the cuntless wonder. Now, even pictures found on the internet showing everything are on your site with the vagina cropped out. Are you scared of cunts? We all came from there, don't mean its gonnasuck you back in. Aussie retard.

I keep getting this question so I will try and answer it as best I can: "It's my site. I choose the content. If I don't want it to be all about vaginas and chicks ramming objects into themselves then that's the way its going to be." By the way, if you think Bashir is a dick you can email him here. -Orsm

Jason Kruger wrote:
Subject: hey wassup!!
Wassup ORSM your site fuckin ROCKS. I got a picture of a pillow biting fan of yours. Hopfully you can incorporate this into you site somewhere. She may not like it but she probably wont ever see it. So any ways keep up the good work. Peace

Jason wrote:
Subject: Boobie Pics
I'm a recent viewer to the site, but I did see that you were looking for boobie pics... My wife felt sorry for you and wanted me to send you these...She's a 24 yo mother of 3. Please do not post my email...you can use my first name though...

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Robert Schultz wrote:
Subject: That's one burnt pizza!
So my friend got totally drunk one night, and started cooking a pizza. Well, he passed out. Several hours later his roomate got home and smelled something awful. Here is what they found in the oven...

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R.W. Rick Redmond wrote:
Subject: Ice Bridge Problems
Orsm, In the Northern parts of Canada, the rivers are plowed in the Winter time to allow ice roads to get supplies into the remote wilderness locations. Spring thaw always poses a few problems and occasionally some are not lucky.

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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Good Information to know about strokes
Is It a Stroke? This was published in a monthly newsletter where a friend of mine lives and she sent it on. I had never heard this advice before and hadn't a clue. Perhaps you hadn't either and would like to file it away in the back of your head. Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say any bystander can recognize a stroke asking three simple questions: 1. ask the individual to smile. 2. ask him or her to raise both arms. 3. ask the person to speak a simple sentence.

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call and ambulance immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. After discovering that a group of nonmedical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage."

Tristan Qualls wrote:
Subject: pic of ex
Dating Crystal was one of those "hmmmm I need to get laid" decisions you make that turn out to be haunt you and haunt you and call your new girlfriend and visit your mother and threaten your gf and hire people to attempt to beat you up repeatedly. Not to mention it was a relationship so exciting and fun filled it made me think "This makes celibacy look like fun" and even "this makes self mutilaziation look like fun". Needless to say, I moved on quite quickly when I realized the age old truth, anyone that puts out that easy for you puts out that easy all around, but appearently she hasn't managed to move on. It's been 4 years and she still WILL NOT GO WAY. Think Fatal attraction but set it in a trailer park and give the bitch one brain cell, bad grammer, and terrible teeth. So she wants to send me naked pictures... I opened the file and knew EXACTLY what to do with them...

Dougy wrote:
Subject: Nigeria
In Nigeria you aint down unlesss your dog is a hyena or a baboon!!!! 8( HOLY MOLY!!

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: B-School girls
We sure are happy to study with these girls ! Keep up the good shite !

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PlNOY 123 wrote:
Subject: Big FAN
Helloo Mr. ORSM .... I'm a big fan really love your site... Here is a pics of my Ex Girlfriend would to share pls put this pic to your "Priceless PICS" ... Also include this statement... "Raquel Tabil your're nothing but a money grabbing whore "

If you've made it this far through the update then there's every chance you are in need of a break... that's why you should check out the websites of some friends of mine. Anyone else wanting to be my friend whould click here.

Aim Cool - Mobile Asses - Shag Nasty - Shoosh Time - College Slackers - Jarkey - Aberrant - Pronographic

Teen Rave - Newbie Nudes - Revenge TV - Mad Pleasures - Party School

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect", she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.

An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but his wife isn't home yet. He calls her on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

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As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

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The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events." "Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Mikey's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Mikey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said! Little Mikey. "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Mikey, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing: 'Hey, this tastes like shit!' Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbour there. Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull." Neighbour: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him." Neighbour: "That's not I want." Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My father charges only twenty dollars for him."

Neighbour: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant." Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what he charges for Elmer."

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One day an old lady went to the doctor because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, "You have the crabs". She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty-year-old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, "You probably have the crabs". "No" she said, "I am an eighty-year-old virgin."

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor. She said, "Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty-year-old virgin. It can not be the crabs." The doctor said, get up on the table and let's have a look." After examining the doctor proclaimed, "Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs... this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies."

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Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Then one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

The lawyer asked "Have you any grounds?" The Pole "Ja, Ja, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms". The lawyer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

The lawyer "Does either of you have a real grudge?" The Pole "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." The lawyer becoming frustrated "I mean, what are your relations like?" The reply "All my relations are in Poland."

Again the lawyer "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." The lawyer "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?" The pole "NO, I'm always up before her.

Almost ready to snap the lawyer asks "is your wife a nagger? The clueless Pole "NO, she completely white." The lawyer "WHY do you want this divorce?" The Pole: Because she is going to kill me!" The lawyer "Oh? And what makes you think that? The Pole "I got proof." Lawyer "What kind of proof? Pole "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, 'Polish Remover'".


An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Antonio! Why you a such a fat-a boy?" Antonio says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Guido! Why you-a such a fat-a boy?" Guido says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Vinny! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a." Vinny says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!" Vinny says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

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Two Arab mothers are sitting in the Gaza strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older mother pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and then starts reminiscing.

"This is my eldest son Mohammed. He's 24 year old" says mum. 'Yes, I remember him as a baby", says the other mother gleefully. "He is a martyr now", his Mother confides. "Oh dear", says the other "and this is my second son Kalid. He is 21 ".

"Oh I remember him" says the other happily; "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too", his mum quietly says. "Oh gracious me', says the other." and this is my third son - my baby - my beautiful Achmed. He's 18'" she whispers.

"Yes "says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He is a martyr also" says his mum with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "Its amazing… they blow up so fast these days".

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Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara - Tara

An Irishman is new to town and heads to a quite little pub on the edge of town. Seeing he ikes the place he decides to make it his new watering hole. He wanders to the bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness. The barman happily serves him and watches as the Irishman drinks them at a normal rate one after the other.

The Irishman calls the barman over and orders another round of 3 pints. Politely the barman says "Look mate, I'll just get you one pint, watch your glass and when it gets low I'll pour the second one." The Irishman replies, "No thankyou. You see its a tradition my brothers and I have. We always used to drink together on a Friday afternoon. Now that we have all headed our separate ways, we always buy 3 pints at a time, as though we are drinking together. I can tell you my brothers will do the same where ever they are in the world too." Not being one to mess with tradition the barman gets the three pints.

After a few months of this, the Irishman heads into the bar on Friday aternoon as per usual and orders only 2 pints. The barman pours the pints, walks over and says, "I'm sorry for your loss, they are on the house." Confused the Irishman looks up, "Loss? What loss?"

The barman trying not to be rude explains himself. "Well, I remember what you said about your tradition with your brothers. Since you ordered only 2 pints I assumed that one of your brothers has died. I'm sorry." "No no no." says the Irishman, "Both my brothers are fine... I just quit drinking."


Really really really think this is a good Random Shite update this week. Tonnes of cool shit... so much so that I'll stop arranging my fingers on the keyboard in such a way that it generates the text you are currently reading and let you get on with it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled - the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves; and that's how I want to go."

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

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Two blokes are down the pub. As usual the subject gets onto sexton says to the other, "How's your sex life mate?" "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half way through."

The first bloke says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I fired the pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other bloke says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

A few days later they're back in the pub again. The first bloke says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other bloke says, "Fuck mate! Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first bloke says, "So, what happened?" The other bloke says, "She nearly bit my cock off, shat in my face, and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"

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Well fuck me in the ass and call me Chris if that wasn't one of the biggest updates I have ever done. Quite impressed with myself... sometimes you just have to do these things and this week was one of those times I suppose.

Anyway make sure you tune back in soon for another dose of Orsm entertainment. Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and feel free to show me your love buy returning the favour! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.04-16-2.29
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Hello women and girls, men and boys. Welcome to what the New York Times recently labelled 'a cultural revolution' and the guy down the road described as 'a great place to go if you wanna have a wank'... that's right Orsmnet has it all!

If the vast amount of email I received over the last two weeks is anything to go by then I can safely say there's more than a few of you hanging out for this update to have your questions answered which strongly suggests that my mission was accomplished...

Last update I spent some time explaining in great detail what problems I'm currently having with the site and that the only viable solution past them was for me to turn Orsmnet into a paid subscription service. Whilst some of what I had to say was factual it can now be revealed that my rantings were little more than an April Fools prank which many of you seemingly fell for.

In other words stop worrying because you will not have to pay to access the site - not now and not in the future... well at least not for the foreseeable future but you never know do ya...!?

As I mentioned, literally hundreds of emails poured in [read some of them here]. It seems like everyone had something to say which is cool because I always appreciate hearing back from you guys. The responses ranged from calling me a sell-out to saying 'thanks but no thanks' to full support and pledges to sign up and buy memberships.

To be honest this really surprised me... I only expected negative feed back and actually found it quite gratifying that many of you were prepared to part with your hard-earned cash to continue surfing the site. This sort of thing is always a good boost for me and tends to rejuvenate my interest in making the site bigger and better... which if you dig deep enough, probably exposes an odd personailty quirk that I surely possess...

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I promised myself this year that I would announce that it was all a hoax 24-48 hours after the update went live but when you are having so much fun why stifle it plus I simply could not help myself. Anyway thanks to everyone who emailed - I'm just sorry I couldn't get back to more of you.

I have finally sorted out the Random Shite section that so many of you complain about. There is now a next and previous button allowing you to easily navigate your way through the images. I got this set up last week and am still finding it ironic that with all the people that have asked for this feature over the last year or two I've have had just one email commenting on it. Bastards!

I've let a few things slide lately. Hopefully by next update there'll be some new Priceless Vids, Prycless Pics, additions to the Comics section and I'll even try to get the Chicks & Stuff section up to date as well.

On the drawing board is a random Prycless viewer and [wait for it] doing a additional, substantially smaller update in the off week between updates however this is not a definite but once again you never do know!

This brings me to asking what it is that you guys want? What would you like to see more of? What would you like to see less of? What needs to be changed? What's missing that would make this site better? If you've got any suggestions then please drop me an email.

Aside from all that I have very little to report on the goings-on of my life. I must be a boring fuck. Everything is more or less completely normal lately. I spent the four-day Easter weekend doing as little as possible, and then doing a little less. Love it. I almost took the oppurtunity to jump in the car and head down south for the weekend but reality came crashing down with a thud when it occurred to me that school holidays were in effect and traffic would have sucked. Ah well...

Over these last few days I've been spending more and more time at Newbie Nudes. Among other things such as the blogs, they've just launched their profiles area so you can now search for people in your area to hook up with or just see their nude pics. Check it out - Newbie Nudes just keeps getting better.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Ever heard of MyFreePaysite.com? It's the web's only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, check out the Voyeur Dorm, watch Snoop Dogg fuck bitches while he raps about it, and even download the Paris Hilton video all for free. Plus they've got tons of streaming full-length porn movies. And all you need is an email addresss to join! Shit, they'll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Smart SmartAss - Coolest Thing Ever - OMG LOL K THX BAI - Mad Bass - Cock Clock - Man Or Moo? - Chasing Ed

McBonics - She's In A Wheel Chair - Papa Smurf Lick My Ass - 69 Ways To Call Her A Whore - Yellow Snow

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Live in Perth and up for a cruise this weekend? The Ultimate Cruises car club will be out in force this Saturday the 17th of April and it's looking like we've got a good nite ahead. Kick off is from the Ent Cent car park around 8pm. More info here.


Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

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OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

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Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be a cop, eh?" The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!" Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

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Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest. He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

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A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."

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Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos.

After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding out.

The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever... group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.

Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turns to Jerry and whispers, "We're here to see our dog."

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Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge - Gauge

A lonely widow, aged 75, decided it was time to re-marry. She put a want ad in the local paper that read:

Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be a great lover in bed! All applicants must apply in person.

On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

She asked sarcastically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you - you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I will not run around on you!" She snorted, "You have no arms either!"

Again the old man smiled and said, "Nor will I beat you!" The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still great in bed?" she asked. The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"


Emily Procter... I first came across this chick on The West Wing in which she played Ainsley Hayes. Surely enough I was captivated by her awesome body and her even sexier little accent. It was from that moment I knew I had to see her naked and as luck would have it she has granted us this wish. I think you'll find that the following vid only shows her natural breats in the first half whereas the last part is just special effects... whatch the clip you'll see what I am on about...

- Emily Procter: Great Rack -

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Little Ron is standing at a urinal in a bar toilet when this enormous guys walks in, unzips his pants and exposes the biggest dick in the world - four feet long, five inches thick and violently red and angry.

The monster looks at little Ron, grabs his huge dick with both hands, like holding a baseball bat, and gives it an almighty swing, smashing the porcelain basin to atoms!

He growls and leers at the now frightened Ron, looks around and with another almighty swing, smashes the condom vending machine right off the wall! After another hideous growl he slams his huge dick against the side of the urinal several times, bending the stainless steel into contorted shapes!

All of a sudden he stops, looks at Ron and shouts, "The next place this porcelain smashing, vender bending, urinal destroyer is going is up your ass buddy!

Little Ron sighs with relief and says, "Thank God for that - I thought you were going to HIT me with it."

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Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny

Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure... "

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 18 1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 1/2... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."

Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache..."

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I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one of the bartenders from The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside the road in tears.

I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?" Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!"

He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk. "Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car," I level headedly advised.

"Look inside the car," Tim moaned. After looking, I continued to console him. "Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde." Tim looked at me and wailed agonisingly, "Look inside her fucking mouth!"

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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter pleasuring herself with a vibrator. "What on Earth are you doing!?" gasped the Mum. "Mum, I am 40 years old and look at me... I am ugly. I will never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the bloody hell are you doing, girl?!" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mum. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game. "For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied, "What the fuck does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

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Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used blow-up dolls instead.

She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"


An expert in the supernatural is running a Seminar attended by thousands. He talks first about all the strange and unexplained happenings around the world, then asks "has anyone here ever seen a ghost...?"

Several hundred people throughout the audience hold up their hands and he randomly asks people to explain what they saw. He then asks "has anyone here ever spoken to a ghost...?" to which about a dozen people hold up their hands. Again he selects them in random to explain exactly what happened. After that he asks "has anyone here has ever fucked a ghost...?"

Only one person holds up his hand and the man invites him down on the stage... they shake hands and the man is asked what his name is. "Spiros Sagias" the man replies.

"And where do you come from?" questions the expert. The man proudly replies "Greece." "So tell us about this time you had sex with a ghost..." asks the expert. "A Ghost...?" the man replies "Oh... I thought you said, a GOAT!"

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A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"


Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny

Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny - Bunny

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A woman loses her husband and can't seem to get past the mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, the woman says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mum, I have someone for you to meet."

The two hit it off. After dating for six weeks, the woman's new beau asks her to join him for a weekend away. Their first night there, they both undress. He's nude, but she's wearing a pair of black lace panties. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

The following night, it's the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except he's wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily

Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily - Emily

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of White Plains, NY, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 PM Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the White Plains police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?" He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?

Here we are again at the what you had to say section of the site. If you missed the link above then the some of the replies I got in regards to the April Fools hoax can be found here. Anyway, If you've got something to say then email me here.

Timo wrote:
Subject: 'German' Idols
Hi ORSM, First off all, offcourse, I must say I like you website!. Because i'm a regular visitor i feel the need to give some feedback on something that is not completely true. In the april-update you've posted a clip of some (at least half) retards which were rejected by the jury of Idols. In fact, those were all Dutch in stead of German. But hé, it happends to be the dutch version of Idols so then it makes all sense. ;-) I'm not sure I've to be proud about me revealing the truth here, cause I don't really have to be proud of being a dutch guy myself anymore after seeing this on national TV. But, this was in fact really something everybody couldn't stop talking about the next day at work. It just was too funny!

But anyway, just to make sure you are properly informed: this short movie was ripped from Dutch TV, not German ;-)

Remco wrote:
Subject: German idols? I don't think so
Heya Orsm, The video you posted on your last update is...... I am almost too embarrassed to say.... Dutch, from the Netherlands, from Holland, from weed and hooker central, the Sodom and Gomorra of the lowlands. Don't get me wrong, I am not proud of the talent of our Dutch Idols but calling the Dutch Germans is one of Hollands Deadly Sins... Love the site by the way.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: no subject
A few of the boys... a holiday at Manta Ray Island Resort in Fiji and the rest as they say is history...

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HC wrote:
Subject: I think I may have found you one of those Land Cruiser Troop carriers that will be going cheap
Hey Orsm, Been checking out your sites for years now... have noticed a few of the pics are a little tame now, is it just my vision? Anyway, hope you haven't had anymore strife from those hacking bastards. This isn't for the site, but the pic is, forwarded to me from some Surveyor mates... might be of some interest!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: ur..my pc is running slow
For real just then a woman called "OMG my computer is so slow i need to come in tomorrow and my pc is going so slow... blah blah" so i thinks **mm strange, the building has been recabled, maybe shes fallen of the network etc etc..SO i remote in and find her printing a doc see below for the size.. gee.... i wonder why the PC was slow sheesssh..

click to enlarge

deb wrote:
Subject: hey there aussie
i cant believe that you dont know what a "mousepad " is... have you ever been to America? i enjoy your site,it beats alot of others out there.wish i knew more about the "aussie world", sometimes i have no idea what the hell ya'll are saying...im from the states, down south, georgia..guess you could say i am a ga peach..and a milf...(as i am told) anyway, mousepad is what you lay your computer mouse on as to protect it..on my mousepad i have a picture of my boyfriends cock.. see ya...

Huh? -Orsm

<with held> wrote:
Subject: My Wife
Dear Orsm, Please could you post the pictuers of my wife on your site, this would make her day. Could you please withhold name and e-mail as she wishes to remain anon for now. Brilliant site and keep up the good work.

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Tanya wrote:
Subject: Hitch Hiker
It just breaks my heart when you see this type of tragedy in this world... I'm tired of seeing all the unfortunate, out-of-work folks standing on the side of the road wanting to work in exchange for something. Some of them are con artists, but you just KNOW some of these people are truly in need.

The softer side of me does reach out to this man whose photo was captured below. I have to ask myself, "What would you do? You're driving down the highway and there on the side of the road, you see this creature of God and read his sign. Are you going to stop or keep going? You only have a second to think about it before you flash by.

Think about it... Do you press the gas or the brake? Personally, my duty as a human being would mean that I would have to stop and help this poor, unfortunate man. What would you do?

Richard wrote:
Subject: Have you blown a Ford Lately
Taken this Sunday in Johannesburg at a local drag strip - Idiot needs driving lessons, he couldn't even spin in properly !
click to download
not-a-catlover wrote:
Subject: how to use condom, a video link
hey there, i am big fun of orsm.com. i think i should be your asian coorespondent. heh.. Here is the video clip you should not miss. have a good one!
click to download

Yo Mismo wrote:
Subject: Orsm translated to Klingon Piqad script
Orsm: I was bored as smegging hell and came up with this.

Okay that's kinda cool but way too geeky. -Orsm

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James wrote:
Subject: pic submission
Went cruising with some friends tonight after a party, found these two going at it near a tram stop. She was giving him a head job when we first went past, so we went back and took this photo. Not a bad photo considering how fast we were going and the fact that I was off my face. Nice arse anyway.

click to enlarge

Bruce Todd wrote:
Subject: Orsm Canadian Sand Castles
Aye Mate, Here's some orsm Canadian sand castles/sculptures for ya! This proves we Canadians aren't always playing with ourselves... sometimes we get help! Especially when we play in the sand. Talk soon...

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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Signs of Winter
sent from a friend in Buffalo.... couldn't have put it more eloquently.....
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Mark wrote:
Subject: Wild studio
Hi ORSM, I'm a recording engineer In Sydney and I'd just like you to this picture. This is the only kind of thing that makes us sound guys cream our pants more than a hot chick in a Spa bath !!!. The guy who owns it works in L.A with bands like Hole and No Doubt. Thanks for a great site. Cheers

Amazing. I don't know the slightest thing about mixing and recording but I want one of those. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Orsm these are my excellent teenage boobs..... enjoy!
In your latest update, you said......... (quote) Why do I get so many photo's of guy's dicks? Just once I'd like to get pics from a 18-19yo chick saying "Orsm these are my excellent teenage boobs. Enjoy!" . -Orsm (end quote)

Well, she ain't 18, or even 19. But just for you, NOT FOR PUBLICATION. Well OK you can use the pic, just NO reference to me! a pic of my beloved, aged about 39.... ! will this do???? hehehehe

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Babes & Stuff - System 6 - Jooley - Dj Thief - Drugs Plaza - Daily Topless - College Downtime - Dump Stack

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "Why this is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut the wand neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" exclaimed the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his latest quest.

Several years passed before Arthur returned to Camelot. Immediately, he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

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After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there is a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

So, the couple drove to Texas to get a second opinion. The Texas physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Arkansas. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.

So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus cant play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!

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A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants... You might have got a disability pension too."


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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died by way of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Japanese Tourist, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken..."

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In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.

And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!! " At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you've been married ten times?

“Well, husband 1 was an Architect; he kept on telling me how great it was going to be. Husband 2 was a Computer Manager; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband 3 was a Services Consultant; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband 4 was a Project Manager; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.”

She continued “Husband 5 was a Structural Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband 6 was a Contract Administrator; he thought he knew how, but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was... God I miss him!”

But now that I've married you, "I'm so excited!" "Good" said the husband, "but, why?" "You're a Real Estate Agent. This time I KNOW I'm going to get fucked!"


Random Shite... now with next and previous button goodness. Need I say more?

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia

Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia - Mia

A little boy is waiting for his mum to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mum comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says "you know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch. "Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there."

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth there." “Yes there are," he says, "my mum told me so." "No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there." "Oh for Christ's sake!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there." The boy takes a good long look, then replies: "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

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Once again it was a bit of a mad dash to get this update done... damn public holidays. They always leave me in lazy mode and it takes a week to pull myself out of it. Anyways hopefully this update didnt suck and you managed to waste far too much time surfing whilst you were supposed to be doing something else... like working or whatever.

Well that's it for me. Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and... ummm.... be good. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2004.04.01-11.51

Hello girls and boys and welcome to Orsmnet for your regular dose of free, uncensored entertainment. If you're new to this, my comfortable little corner of the internet, then you'll soon be asking yourself where have you been and how on earth did you ever get by without it. This may also lead to other questions such as 'what do I do with this thing?' and 'is it meant to be that small?' but I can't guarantee that.

This little site-o-mine has been here for around 3 and a half long years now. Considering how fast the web moves you could probably say that the site is the equivalent of a '40-something' about to embark on a mid life crisis. In a very loose sort of way this brings me to my next point although you will have to give me a couple more paragraphs to explain why...

Lately some of you guy's have been having problems accessing shit around the site. You may get the little red X in place of an image that you were expecting or maybe get an error message and redirected to another site while trying to view a video you wanna watch. This is an unfortunate effect of us trying to stop people stealing bandwidth from the site.

What does that mean exactly you ask? It's pretty simple but there's a story behind it so I suggest grabbing a beer first. Around the middle of February my credit card got invoiced TWICE by my hosting company. I was pissed off - just like that the cost to run this site doubled. After a polite 'please explain' I was even more politely informed that I had been pulling rude amounts of bandwidth and the additional invoice amount would stand.

We immediately started investigating ways to cut down. We put a few tools into play and it started to become apparent that countless [and I mean countless] files were being linked directly from Orsmnet and used by other sites. Here's how it works... someone sees a set of pics they like somewhere on the site, they note down all the links to the images and post them on various forums across the net or directly on their own site! The images then show up on their page all without anyone knowing that they are coming from my site. I've found entire sites built just using images and vids being linked directly from Orsmnet!

This tends to snowball too. On several occasions all it took was a set of 20 pics being listed on an extremely busy forum in Asia for dozens of other forums to copy cat and start linking them too. Within a few hours those images had been viewed tens of thousands of times, all whilst I was fast asleep and I'm the poor fool that gets stuck footing the bill. This is known commonly as bandwidth theft.

Further investigation revealed that this was just as much a problem with the videos I post as it was/is with images. The thing about videos is that not only are they hard to protect but because they are generally larger in size they obviously consume more bandwidth.

Imagine for a moment that a 5 megabyte video gets downloaded 50,000 times from an update - sounds like a lot but it's all been previously taken into account and allowed for. Now imagine that some fucker comes along and watches the vid on the site. He or she likes the vid and reckons they'll get a laugh by posting it on their favourite forum somewhere. All of a sudden a few thousand more people watch it and then a few of them post it on other forums and so on and so forth. All of a sudden thousands of extra people are watching this vid and chewing up my bandwidth without coming to the site which means the advertising on Orsmnet never gets seen...

Take a wild stab how sites like mine survive? If you guessed advertising then you were right... off to college you go, brainiac! All these little methods and measures that I'm putting in to play are only so effective and people will always find ways around them. My point is that eventually it'll all end badly wont it? I cannot possibly keep the site going if I don't have the opportunity to advertise... which brings me to finally announcing the decision I came to some time ago...

The next update of Orsmnet will be the last update you will see in this current guise.

As of approximately 4 weeks time Orsmnet will be changing to a subscription based website. That means to access any of the content you will need to purchase a membership. Pricing has not yet been finalised as we are still negotiating with a number of credit card processors for the best deal for you and us.

First I should answer the question you all probably want to know which is "why have I chosen to do it this way"? The answer is made up of three reasons. 1. It will allow me to secure every file on the site by making the only access to them by being logged in. 2. I can renegotiate with my host and bring my costs down now that the site will use less bandwidth & 3. I can make the site almost advertisement free by relying on subscriptions to cover costs.

Since early December I've been working closely with the guy's behind NewbieNudes.com to rebuild the site almost from scratch. When the third [or is it fourth...?] version of the site launches in a month it will have absolutely shit loads of new content, new sections and an entirely new look and design. In other words we're going out of our way to make membership well worth it!

This is huge step for the site and I'm sure one that won't be entirely popular but in order to evolve it must be done. For too long I've been feeling as if everything has stagnated and it was time to move on but working on this project has rejuvenated my interest like never before. Anyway, I'd love some feedback - good or bad - on what thoughts you guy's have on this. Email me here.

Have you guys checked out NewbieNudes.com? There are some crazy hot chicks on there just posting hard core pics & vids of themselves each and every day. A lot of the time they take requests in the live chat too. NN has over 50,000 totally free pics with over 300 new[bie!] ones added each day - check it out!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Ever heard of MyFreePaysite.com? It's the web's only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, check out the Voyeur Dorm, watch Snoop Dogg fuck bitches while he raps about it, and even download the Paris Hilton video all for free. Plus they've got tons of streaming full-length porn movies. And all you need is an email addresss to join! Shit, they'll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

The Bush Presidency [Part 3] - Soup Nazi - Trunk Monkey - Toothing - Cricket - Heli Rescue

Pinguin: Rocket - The Singhsons - Cool Virtual Mixer - Spear Britney - Bomb Golf - Flashy - Make Willy Groove

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A good-ole-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot eyes but, mostly... it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

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A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

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Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle

Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle - Kelle

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a infamous underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front.

The husband opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworth's supermarket. There, he surprised her in the fruit and veg department and proceed to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WOOLIES"

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You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called "Yam". Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! However, on the other hand she wasn't going to stay home and become a Couch potato either.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Melbourne P.U. (Potato University) so that when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, Yam came home one day and announced she was going to marry Eddie McGuire. Eddie McGuire! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Eddie McGuire, because he is just a... Common Tater...

click here for more


Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy - Daisy

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

click here for more

A guy goes into a store and asks the clerk, "I'd like some Polish Sausage. "The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?" The guy says, "Well, yes I am, but, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??? Or if I wanted a taco would you ask if I was Mexican???" The clerk says, "Well, no." The guys says, "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage? The clerk says, "Because this is a fucking hardware store."

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An old farmer in Ohio had owned a large farm for several years. Out back was a pond which he'd spent countless hours beautifying. He'd added picnic tables, tree's, plants, BBQ's and even a basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond - He hadn't been there for a while and thought he better give it a look over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator..."

Every once in a while a video comes my way that tops all others. Usually it's something so messed up and left field that it defies belief. Today's offering still defies belief... just not in a way that involved fists or faeces. As best I can tell [I don't speak German] , someone has had the ingenious idea to stick all the German Idol rejects together and make em sing a song before a live audience. I must have watched this clip 30 times already... it's hilarious. Oh, if anyone has the full version lying around please email me!

- German Idol: Simply The Best -

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?" The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

click here for more

Dirty Johnny and his friends were enrolled in sex education. During the lecture, the teacher kept referring to a "penis". It was "penis" this and "penis" that. The class behaved as if it understood.

Immediately following class, all the students gathered around Dirty Johnny. "Johnny, what's a penis?" Nobody had a clue. Dirty Johnny said he would ask his Dad when he got home.

When Dirty Johnny got home, his Dad was there. "Dad, what's a 'penis'?" His father unzips his pants, shows Johnny his dick and says, "This is a perfect penis." Johnny replied, "Thanks, Dad. I'll tell my friends tomorrow in school."

The next day, all the students gathered around. "What did your Dad say, Dirty Johnny?" Johnny promptly unzips his pants and shows all his classmates his dick. "This is a penis. And if it were two inches shorter, it would be the perfect penis!"


Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon

Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon - Devon

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When Shane Warne and Simone first got married Shane said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 10 years of marriage, Simone had never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 10th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Simone could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?" Shane thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Simone was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened by your behaviour. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem." Shane thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made peace. A little while later Simone asked Shane, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" Shane answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and redeemed them for cash."


A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

click here for more


Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny

Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny - Tawny

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."


Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria - Aria

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A synagogue honours its Rabbi for a quarter-century of service by sending him to Hawaii on a well-deserved vacation, all expenses paid.The President of the synagogue decides that in addition to the trip, the Rabbi should have fun and he makes arrangements to have a call-girl available for the Rabbi at all times.

When the Rabbi walks into his hotel room, there is this nude young girl lying on the bed and she informs the Rabbi that she is his at any time during his vacation. The Rabbi, stunned and extremely embarrassed, demands to know who arranged this little situation, and of course, the girl is compelled to tell him.

The Rabbi immediately picks up the phone, calls the synagogue, and gets through to the President of the congregation. "Your respect, where is it?" he yells. "How you could do something like this?"

"In high esteem I must be, by each and every member of this congregation. As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you!" As he continues to berate the President, the girl rises sheepishly from the bed, not wanting to further embarrass the Rabbi. As she stands, the Rabbi says "Where are you going...? I'm not mad at you!"

click here for more

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

click here for more

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy Boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me To Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome- plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

click here for more

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Now for some of what you guy's had to say... with all the thousands of virus infected emails removed for your convenience. Shame it doesn't all end up on here but if it did I'd need an entire other site to put it all on to... probably not a bad idea actually. If you've got something to say, something funny to send my way or are infected with a virus and need an address to unknowingly send viruses to you can email me here.

Andrew Gerber wrote:
Subject: Thunderbird Vids
1) LOVE the site - fuck everyone else who says the updates take to long - if they were any quicker, they would probably be 50% shit - this way they're all 100% golden.
2) The deal with the thunderbird crash, from what I've heard, was that he set his altimeter 1000 feet too low.
3) This took place 30 miles from where I live - kinda filled the news for quite some time here - what else are we going to report on, potatoes?
4) Kepp on truckin!

GARRY W wrote:
Subject: Stupid people
From a previous update: "Danger is nature's way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents. With safety, however, well intentioned idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles."

The most insidious consequence of these actions is not that these stupid people live to breed; it is that you and I have our freedoms taken away so that society can protect these stupid people from themselves. Their survival is at the cost of our freedoms. We are not allowed to decide a safe speed to travel at, we can't have firecrackers etc. Almost every aspect of our lives is covered by some regulation to provide protection for stupid people.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: A total Scam By a 45kg Skinny Sack Of Shit
Talk about a bogus claim. I have a little story for you might want to post on your website. This story is unbelievably the names have been changed for legal reasons. Of course it involves me the unluckiest bastard walking the planet....

Last June (2003) my computer fucked up. So I Bit the bullet and paid for an upgraded or repair. I was busy so my wife phoned a local fellow from the yellow pages. The Computer Tech (this is an overstatement) Skinny Asian guy (apparently he weighs only 45kg. My 12 y/o old weighs more than that) comes out and takes the computer away. He tells my wife he will phone us in a day with a quote for a fix/upgrade to the computer. For ease I will refer to him as a Skinny Sack of Shit (SSOS).

3 Days passes and nobody has heard from the SSOS. On the 4th day I phoned SSOS he tells me he still working on it. But from what he can tell the architecture of the computer is all wrong. In other words SSOS didn't know what was wrong with it. I asked SSOS for the best price for an upgrade with the list of specifications I given him. SSOS came around the following evening and quoted me $580.00 which included mother board, video card, new cabinet, keyboard,power supply, 512 of Ram. From our old computer he was going to use all the optical drives, modem, floppy drive, and hard drive plus our version of Windows XP.

SSOS drops the computer of 2 weeks later 9.00pm on a Wednesday night. Prior to that he had asked us for cash up front I refused. That's why the computer came back late he didn't have enough money in his bank to cover the parts purchase for our machine.The computer wasn't exactly what I had ordered he didn't give us a new cabinet or power supply he still charged $580.00. It was late I couldn't be fucked arguing. I gave him the cash he told me he would send the receipt in the mail. 2 Weeks later I had to get him to come back and deliver the utility disks for the computer. (I had been trying to get him for a week). I asked for the receipt again and again was told by SSOS he would mail it out.

Everything after that ran fine still never got my receipt though. 16 weeks later I needed some information on the motherboard he had put in. I could only get 2 USB ports operational. I phoned SSOS for some advice he told me he didn't remember the computer, our address or me. SSOS came out anyway at 7.30am on Friday the 7th of Nov 2003. SSOS walked into the computer room sat down and looked at the computer. SSOS informed me it was going to cost $45.00 plus parts to fix the computer.

I asked SSOS why it is still under warranty from you and your company. As I was leaning against the door of the computer room getting dressed putting on my shoes and socks the door closed. I asked SSOS what the fuck are you trying to pull just fix the fucking thing you know you have been out here before. The whole conversation including me getting dress took about 3-4 minutes. The wife calls me into the kitchen and asked what's up I told- her he doesn't remember doing the job or coming here 16 weeks ago. I went back to see SSOS he was logging off the computer he then got up and left I asked SSOS on the way out did you fix it yeah he said. I asked SSOS again don't forget my receipt. I quickly ran back to the computer and checked it. SSOS had done fuck all it still had a problem. I took the computer to a mate of mine a couple of days later where we worked out that a Microsoft service pack for XP would solve the problem.

16 weeks passes the 26/2/04 2 detectives came around to see me at home at about 5.00pm. They asked me did you get your computer fixed back in Nov 03 I told them yes I did. We have a complaint from SSOS that you assaulted him and deprived him of his liberty. I told them you got to be joking? While I was not under arrest I was informed that it would be better for me to go down to the police station with them. So I followed these 2 detectives down to the police station. I was led into the interview room. The video camera was switched on and the questions started. Fast and furious a couple of times while the camera was switched off I was threatened with going to the lock up in East Perth and told we know you did it you tried to scam him for $ 45.00 dollars. These two detectives were on a mission from GOD to clean up all the scum around town. Get real I said at 7.30am while everybody is getting ready for work and school. That being the case how come you don't have any medical evidence of cuts,bruises etc on SSOS. Yo only have his word that I assaulted him something fishy going on here.

I was charged with Deprivation of liberty and Assault then fingered printed, DNA sample taken, photographed with video evidence. Last Tuesday I had to appear in the court of petty session and had a bail surety made for me of a $1000.00 and ordered to appear in the district court in a few weeks time to enter my plea. Where upon entering not guilty. I will then have to appear at a date to set and be judged in the district court by a jury and Judge. Man I could end up in the can for a while. Just because 2 detectives believed a 45kg lying sack of shit.............

Adrian H wrote:
Subject: A7 hit on Apache helo
This is what happens when a Surface to Air Missile hits an AH-64 Apache.
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Simon Klemba wrote:
Subject: Hi
Thought you may like this as a Random Shite pic... Is the back light of car whilst skiing.
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Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Balloon Party Clown
Wife had a party for her office and asked me to hire a balloon blowing clown for entertainment.... last time my wife will let me hire the party entertainment....

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Sailvan Sail wrote:
Subject: picture of Dutch maire
Hi. Here a contribution from the Netherlands. I couldn't find it on your site yet so I send you the pic, a suggestion for text and the story... The man on the right is the maire of The Hague, a middle sized city in the Netherlands. The guy to the left a football fan of the local club. The story is as follows. The maire came to the club to talk with the fans about them misbehaving regularly before, during and after football matches. The response of the fan is quite clear I think. It made quite a riot in the Netherlands. The club was not involved in further talsk for months and the maire tried to sue the fan. The second pic is a joke where some photoshopper turned around the roles.

Dirceu wrote:
Subject: I love your website!
My little contribution. The proof that Homer Simpson is gay!

That almost ruins Homer for me... almost. -Orsm

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Amy Wilson wrote:
Subject: Janet Jackson in 2019
The year is 2019... Following her stunt at Superbowl 39, Janet Jackson, has been banned from the entertainment business and has fallen upon hard times. Unfortunately, she has spent almost all of her money on legal fees, defending herself from the censors in Washington; D.C. She now works at a McDonalds, in their drive-through window as a cashier. Don't feel bad for her, Janet has a very tough personality. She refuses to let her plight steal her spirit.

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Ken wrote:
Subject: MILF
Please find attached photos of my favourite milf, who was 35 years old and mother of 3 when these pics were taken. i had an 8 year affair with this milf the wife of a detective sergeant in the NSW police. he still does not know and they are still together but she forgot to ask for the pics back when she gave me the flick. She lives in the Newcastle suburb of Macquarie Hills.

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brian shannon wrote:
Subject: snow in canada
Here's some fotos from the other side of the world, nova scotia, canada

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Scott McGrath wrote:
Subject: Revenge on speed camera
G"day mate, Came accross your site a couple of months ago & I have been entertained ever since. Someone E-mailed me this article from the Brisbane Courier Mail which I thought I would share with you all for a luagh Just for the record it wasn't e-mailed from the courier mail. Keep up the good work.
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Edward Donovan wrote:
Subject: Crane Accident Photos
Orsm, Love the site, think it's cool, and finally (after a couple of years) feel as though I have something you may like to post. See for yourself. this actually happened right next to the building I work in on george st parramatta talk about freaky stuff imagine this big mutha of a crane crashing down right in front of u thats what happened to my poor friend who went out for a quick smoke during her tea break.

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Ben Sampson wrote:
Subject: Aircraft Prangs
Hey Mr. ORSM, I have already sent you some of these pics but I think they must have got caught up in the Great Crash of November 2003 (may the hacker be forced to spend eternity licking sweat off camels' balls while being poked in the date by rabid dogs). Anyway, I thought I would share with everyone some of the photos I've taken during the fourteen years I've spent working at Bankstown Airport in Sydney. No-one was killed in any of these incidents and in most cases the only injuries were to people's egos and bank balances. As always, thanks for the years of enjoyment.

roar wrote:
Subject: a question
hello there. my friend aquadog said that you are from south africa, is that true?, if so \o/ Hooray! becuase i am to. Also another thing, aquadog asked me to ask you for his enya cd back.

Huh? -Orsm

DtM wrote:
Subject: This is Awsome!!!!
This picture was taken by NASA with the Hubbell telescope. They called it "The Eye of God".

Good to see it was correctly named... I do have blue eyes... -Orsm

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Smaily wrote:
Subject: Motor Vehicle Hijackers Beware! (not for the queasy!)
This fine upstanding member of the infamous 18th Street LA gang decided one day that he would try to hijack a semi-truck at gunpoint... The gangsta jumped up on the driver side, while the truck was in motion, and stuck a gun in the driver's face. The only problem was that the truck driver opened up the door and knocked the would-be thief off. The would be thief lost his balance and fell under the wheels of the truck at which time the driver slammed on his brakes bringing the truck to a halt, resting on top of the would be hijacker and then decided that this was the perfect time to whip out his Fuji disposable camera...

nick staikos wrote:
Subject: pics
thats my x boyfriends dick

Why do I get so many photo's of guy's dicks? Just once I'd like to get pics from a 18-19yo chick saying "Orsm these are my excellent teenage boobs. Enjoy!" . -Orsm

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MILF wrote:
Subject: MILF Wallpaper!
Hey there mr Orsm Just sitting here surfin round....and thort i would contribute to your site again. Been a while! Slack me!! Had lots of fun taking these shots.... hope you like them! Cheers to all ye Orsmites!

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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one hot bitch!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good - the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, she LOVED it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says, "Grandpa, you're drunk... go home!"

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Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi

Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi - Bambi

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."


Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla

Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla - Leyla

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An obviously upset woman visits her pastor. She pleads, "Father, Father, my children just will not stop cursing. I've done everything I know to stop them. You're my last hope, what can I do?" The Father said "Well, have you considered smacking the boys?" The mother, wide-eyed, replied, "Oh no Father, I thought the Church would frown upon that!"

The Father responded, "In severe cases, we do allow it. The next time your sons curse, why don't you try it?" The mother said "O.K. Father, If the Lord permits it." The next morning little Johnny and little Jimmy come down to breakfast and the mother asks, "Little Johnny, what would you like for breakfast this morning?"

Little Johnny says, "I don't know. Give me some fucking waffles." Well with that, the mother smacked little Johnny across the face and he slid down the wall to the floor. Little Jimmy, the younger of the boys, watched in horror.

The mother turned and asked ,"Little Jimmy, what would you like for breakfast this morning?" Little Jimmy looks at his brother on the floor, looks back at his mother, and replies, "I don't know but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles."

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A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!" "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million pounds" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes!"

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me," says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins..."

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This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine."


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There's a little 13 year old boy walking down the street one day with some chicken wire in his grasp, an old man on the corner see's this and is quite puzzled. He asks the boy "What are you gonna do with that chicken wire?" To which the boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" When he comes back later, he's holding three chickens in his hands.

The next day, the old man sees the boy with duck tape this time, this again puzzles the man, and he asks the lad, “What are you going to do with that duck tape?" To which the boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some ducks." Later the boy walks by the man, his arms full of ducks.

Then next day, the man see the boy walking down the street with a flower, the guy asks him, "What kind of flower is that son?" the boy says " This is pussy willow." This time the old man understands and replies, "Wait a second, I'll go get my hat!"

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Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy

Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy - Wendy

The Three Bears are coming back from their nightly walk, and they see their house from about 30 feet away and they could tell that someone had just broken in. The whole family runs in, and they all try and find out if anything that has been taken. The poppa bear asks the mother, "Did you find anything missing?" "No." she said

Then he asked the youngest bear, "Did you find anything missing?" "No." He said "But my tennis racket smell like tuna fish!"

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Two hillbillies, Hubba and Bubba, were walking through the grassy fields of Alabama. Suddenly, Bubba stops when he sees a sheep with its head stuck in a barbed wire fence. "Hoo-yah!" cries Bubba, "Now ain't she purty?" He quickly hurries over to the sheep, drops his pants and hastily has his way with the sheep. When he is finished, he pulls up his pants and steps back and says to Hubba, "Ok, it's your turn now." Hubba pulls down his pants, gets next to the sheep and jams his head into the fence.


This section needs no introduction... Random Shite is a living, breathing thing. It has it's own agenda and it can't be dissuaded. Ladies and gentlemen sit back and enjoy whilst RS does it's thing...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and notices a guy across the room downing shot after shot of whiskey. After about 6 shots the man gets up, goes to the window, opens it and jumps out.

The man at the bar, shocked, runs to the window and looks down. Right before the man is going to hit the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

The man sits back down at the bar, amazed. Then the guy that had jumped out the window comes in and downs a few more shots, goes to the window, and jumps out. Again, right before he hits the ground a gust of wind picks him up and sets him gently on the ground.

A minute later he's back up in the bar. The man sitting at the bar asks him how he did that. He said," There's a lot of wind down there and it always sets you down with no harm done."

"What the hell, I'm a daring guy anyway." So the man gets up, goes to the window, jumps out and falls straight to the ground. The other man starts busting up laughing. Then bartender then says to him," You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

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Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki

Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki - Vicki

An older couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Joyce... Joyce..."

"Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?""Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again.

Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Western Australia.

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That about winds up proceedings for this week, folks. Hopefully you've enjoyed reading through what took a thousand monkeys at a thousand computers just a few minutes to compile as much as I did belting the little fuckers every time they took a dump on the rug.

Anyway until next time be good, stay off the chem's and have a happy Easter. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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