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THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. IT'S THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. CLICK TO SEE IT FOR YOURSELF.
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April 2019...
orsmupdate 2019.04.11-20.30
Boobies

Welcome to let's take some calls.

Bizarrely have my shit together this week. And that's despite some pretty huge chunks taken out of it - couple of hours to fix a friend's car, an evening catching up with a mate, and most importantly, the Married At First Sight finales. Yep, I know... but at a certain point I couldn't hide from the fact that reality TV is for me. Not all of it. But the gutter stuff like MAFS which showcases the absolute worst of humanity is irresistible. Watching narcissist idiots act like complete cunts to each other whilst ultimately ruining their own lives on national TV... well what else could you ask for? Even if they pull that "They edit it to make us look bad" or "Its totally scripted" BS you can still see their ugly personalities shining through... and it makes you realise that you're not quite the piece of shit you thought you were because you'd never do the things they do and not feel bad about it. And that's all I need.

Australian Federal Election coming up. That's the last time I'm going to mention it. Fuck them all.

Alright dudes let's get this perfect update cranking. Make sure you watch every vid, read every joke, check every pic, every gallery and you will be a very happy little boy or girl. Check it...

Q: What is so great about anal sex? A: It is warm, tight, and more degrading to women.
--
An octopus goes into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument going!" Someone gives him a guitar which he plays better then Hendrix. Then someone gives him a piano which he plays better then Elton John. Then a Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes... The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman's says "What's wrong, can ye no play it?" Octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"
--
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6-inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts, misses and they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick". The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
--
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a ship that had sunk. "Follow me son" the father shark said to his son and they swam to the survivors. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing". And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing". And they did. "Now we eat everybody". And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked "Dad, why didn't we just eat them? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
--
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it". "Then why don't you drive it away". "We can't drive!" "Then why did you buy it?" "We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting".
--
A man walks into a chemist and asks "Where's the tampons?" The assistant says "over there mate".
The man returns with cotton wool and toilet rolls. "Thought you wanted tampons" says the assistant. The man says "last week I asked the wife to buy me a packet of smokes and she bought me a packet of tobacco and papers - we'll see how much she likes rolling her own!"
--
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time...
--
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell". "Grandma that sounds easy but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow...?" "What... you coming empty handed?"
--
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day" replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half". "I see" said his wife "but how did you get the black eye?" "Wrong room" replied Roy.
--
Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute "Do you know who the father is?" "For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

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A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him "Who's the most powerful man in the room?" "That would be Bob, over there by the caviar" he says. The young woman walks over to Bob and says "Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you". Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says "Bob... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had...!" Bob smiles slightly and says "Well, okay. But what's in it for me?"
--
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red-Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 on her. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs, so he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
--
A little field mouse was scampering across a field when all at once an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. After a while the little mouse was able to work his way through the eagle's body and poke his head out of the eagle's ass. The eagle was still flying around, looking for more food to eat. The little mouse said "We're pretty high up, aren't we?" "Yep. Pretty high" the eagle agreed. "About how high would you say we are?" asked the mouse. "Oh... I'd say about 10,000 feet". To which the mouse asked "You wouldn't shit me would you?"

ORSM VIDEO

A doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100

A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn an easy $100 and goes to the clinic.

LAWYER: "I have lost my sense of taste".
DOCTOR: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth".
LAWYER: "Ugh... this is kerosene..."
DOCTOR: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored! That'll be $20!"

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

LAWYER: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything!"
DOCTOR: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth".
LAWYER (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste".
DOCTOR: "Congrats. You got your memory back! That'll be $20 please!"

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

LAWYER: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all".
DOCTOR: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100".
LAWYER (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
DOCTOR: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. That'll be $20 thanks!"

WHILST THERE IS SUCH A THING AS BAD CAMEL TOE... THESE BABES DEFINITELY AREN'T IT !

CAMEL TOES 11

SENSATIONAL CAMEL TOE ACTION previously on Orsm: #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

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A preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects...

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door" the old preacher said to himself.

"When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!"

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too".

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be".

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womaniser".

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centrefold.

"Lord have mercy" the old preacher disgustedly whispered "He's going to be a politician!"

PROOF THAT ELEVATORS ARE GREAT PLACES TO HANG OUT

ELEVATOR FLASHERS 04

Previously: ELEVATOR FLASHERS #3 - ELEVATOR FLASHERS #2 - ELEVATOR FLASHERS #1 - MORE >>

A bloke from the bush walked into an antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said "How much is this bronze rat?" The owner replied "It's $12 for the rat and $100 for the story".

The fellow gave the owner his $12 and said" I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story!"

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the drains and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed and ran on towards the river and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their millions! And they were running faster and faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said "Ah, you've come back for the story then?" "Shit no!" said the bloke "I came back to see if you've got a bronze politician!?"

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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AN OBITUARY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

-Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
-Why the early bird gets the worm;
-Life isn't always fair;
-And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally lost the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death:

-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers:

-I Know My Rights
-I Want It Now
-Someone Else Is To Blame
-I'm A Victim
- ay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

GUARANTEED MORE UNDERBOOB THAN YOU GUYS CAN HANDLE !

UNDERBOOB 03

Previously on Orsm: UNDERBOOB #2 - UNDERBOOB #1 - MORE >

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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ORSM VIDEO

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger".

St. Peter says" Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate".

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well, once I fondled and stroked one".

St. Peter says "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate".

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St. Peter says "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it".

WONDERFUL THINGS CAN HAPPEN WHEN GIRLS go into the sea

GIRLS FROLICKING IN THE SURF 06

Previously: FROLICKING #5 - FROLICKING #4 - FROLICKING #3 - FROLICKING #2 - FROLICKING #1 - MORE >>

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion".

The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white kid?"

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ORSM VIDEO

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A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star".

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked "What's your name?" The guy said "My name is Penis van Lesbian". The agent said "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name".

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old; I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever". The agent said "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you".

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name but I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely, Dick van Dyke".

WELL PINCH MY NIPPLES AND CALL ME TITILLATED!

PINCH MY NIPPLES

A 65-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live".

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognise you!!"

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2019 04 11

OLDER SHITE: April 4th - March 28th - March 21st - March 14th - March 7th - February 28th - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A blonde who wanted to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type and started advertising a rich neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?" The blonde said "How about 40 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband "Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?" "The man replied "She should. She was standing on the porch".

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money.

"You finished fast!" he said. "Yes" the blonde replied "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats".

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way" the blonde added "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".

OH AND SHE LIGHTS UP THE NIGHT...

GYPSY

Previously: MIA - APRIL - NIKKI - ASHLEY - JASMINE - ALEXIS - BELLA - SATI - ERIN - ABELLA - MORE >>

Two friends went to a strip club. When they got inside, they noticed two seats conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, the took the seats.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind them yelled "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

One of the friends in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two tassels.

The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things". The other friend turned around and said "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string.

Again, the man behind our friend yelled out "Oh baby! You're almost there!" The other friend again turned around and said "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.

Curious, the other friend turned around and asked "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?" The guy responded "It's on your back, dude".

ORSM VIDEO

Well ...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. Not so much this week though. Why? Because. That's why!
-Check out the archives. Tight butthole.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Test screenings have indicated awesome to amazing.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will have Julian Assange kicked out of the Ecuadorian Embassy and arrested.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and Mundine is a flog. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2019.04.04-19.48
Boobies

Welcome to the Mystery Dog Shitters Club.

April already. Amazing. Well we can sit here and talk about that all day or get straight into an update brilliance. Just before I do that though - as Orsm approaches a significant birthday I've been strongly considering changing the format. Without going into too much detail I'm essentially talking about modernising by way of a major overhaul. The current Orsm design/format/etc would be gone. If you guys have something to say about that then please email me!

Okie-doke showtime. Check it...

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on I decided to have it carried out instead while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are gentler and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" I said. "No, but I have" replied the nurse. Moral: Don't have this procedure done in Thailand.
--
While attending a "Sex, Love & Intimacy - Weekend workshop" Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other". He then addressed the men "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?" Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered "It's Self-Raising, isn't it?" The divorce goes through next week.
--
John started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am while his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was brewing, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA) and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA... and now he's hoping he can get help from a president OWNED BY RUSSIA.
--
A teacher at high school reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand".
--
Armando went to his neighbour and asked "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?" "No" says Carlos. Armando askes "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No" says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. "Theen tell me why" asked Armando "do you keep screwing my wife?"
--
Angela and Annabelle meet at their family reunion, and they haven't seen each other in years. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives. Annabelle says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Angela replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M". Annabelle is aghast. "Really, I never would have guessed that you would go for that".
"Oh sure" says Angela "He snores while I masturbate".
--
A middle-aged couple is watching TV when an evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick. The evangelist says "Pray with me, placing your right hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area". So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch. is wife says "Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead".

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Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night". "Don't worry" Joe says "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack". So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
--
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it". The Rabbi asked "What's wrong?" The man replied "My wife is going to poison me". The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks "How can that be?" The man then pleads "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?" The Rabbi then offers "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know". A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said "Yes" and the Rabbi replied "Take the poison".
--
While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a large carrot under the pillow. When Mary Jo came home, Mother demanded an explanation of the carrot. "Mother, I want to be honest with you" she confessed "for the past few weeks that carrot has been my husband". "Well" the Mother replied "consider yourself a widow, because your husband just went into tonight's stew!"

ORSM VIDEO

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time" said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch - watch the watch -- watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotised.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact!

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited back again.

GOING NUDE IN PUBLIC IS VERY LIBERATING

NUDE IN PUBLIC 03

Previously on Orsm: NUDE IN PUBLIC #2 - NUDE IN PUBLIC #1 - MORE >>

ORSM VIDEO

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Trump comes to work in the morning holding a mysterious package. Rushing into the oval office, he calls out to his secretary "No calls. No interruptions".

At the end of a long day, the President comes out in a foul mood, walks back to his bedroom and goes right to sleep.

Early the next morning, he is back at the office. "No calls. No interruptions". he calls out before entering the office and slamming the door behind him.

The behaviour repeats itself but after a few days, it is midnight and Trump still hasn't come out of his office. Unsure what to do, they decide that Chief of Staff John Kelley should knock on the door. "Mr. President. Are you okay?"

"I said NO INTERRUPTIONS and I meant it!" they hear Trump scream through the door.

Two more days pass without a word from the president and then the secretary's phone rings. It is Trump. "Get me Sarah Sanders immediately!"

The secret service is dispatched and in 15 minutes, a breathless Sarah Sanders is knocking on the door to the Oval office.

"Come in".

Sanders open the door slowly and finds a dishevelled unshaven Trump sitting at his desk with a big grin on his face. On top of his desk is a completed 30-piece puzzle of the New York skyline.

Sanders doesn't know what to make of it.

Trump leans back triumphantly in his chair and says. "I've got something for your next press conference..." Sarah takes out her notebook.

"You see that puzzle?" Trump asks pointing at his desk. "Well, the box says '3 to 7 years' and me, I finished it in JUST 6 DAYS!"

WHO WANTS A HIT OF NAKED STONER CHICKS ??

STONER CHICKS 05

Previously on Orsm: SEXY STONERS #4 - SEXY STONERS #3 - SEXY STONERS #2 - SEXY STONERS #1 - MORE >>

A man goes to his doctors and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history".

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man "I haven't been home yet".

ORSM VIDEO

IT'S PROBABLY THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ONLINE PORN. SERIOUSLY. EVER. HERE'S WHY YOU'LL CARE
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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please" the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No, but it's quiverin' a little".

NOT HARD TO SEE WHAT THEY ARE SO HAPPY ABOUT... 😄😄😄

HAPPY GIRLS 05

Previously on Orsm: HAPPY GIRLS #4 - HAPPY GIRLS #3 - HAPPY GIRLS #2 - HAPPY GIRLS #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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ORSM VIDEO

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.

He asked a girl in a university library "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT?! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy then whispered in her ear "I study law: I know how to screw people".

33 NAKED NURSES I WOULD DEFINITELY LIKE A SPONGE BATH FROM

NURSES 06

Previously on Orsm: NURSES #5 - NURSES #4 - NURSES #3 - NURSES #2 - NURSES #1 - MORE >

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with our fellow passengers".

The little girl who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know" said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or heaven or Hell, or life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay" she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says "Hmm, I have no idea".

To which the little girl replies "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

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ORSM VIDEO

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Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "Its hereditary, sir" replied the older brother.

"I see, said the doctor, writing in his file". Your fathers the reason for your elongated penises? "No, sir, our mother.

"Your mother?" said the doctor. "Don't be so ridiculous! Women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could".

IS IT THE PANTIES OR WHATS UNDER THEM THAT LOOK SO DAMN SEXY?

PANTIES 04

Previously on Orsm: PANTIES #3 - PANTIES #2 - PANTIES #1 - MORE >>

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.

The next day Billy tells his story: "My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies "Yeah... don't fuck with my dad when he's been drinking"

RANDOM SHITE

RANDOM SHITE 2019 04 04

OLDER SHITE: March 28th - March 21st - March 14th - March 7th - February 28th - February 21st - MORE >>

PICTURE THIS: YOU GO TO A WEBSITE. HOOK UP WITH AN ACTUAL REAL GIRL. GET A BILL FOR $0. HERE'S HOW
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A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients".

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

EFFERVESCENT PORNSTAR MIA PEARL UNDRESSING = DEFINTELY NOT BAD!

MIA PEARL

Previously: APRIL - NIKKI - ASHLEY - JASMINE - ALEXIS - BELLA - SATI - ERIN - ABELLA - MORE >>

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can't figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor hands him a tube of cream. "Here. Put this on and the ring will be gone within the hour" the doctor said.

The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour.

But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again.

He goes back to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on.

The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning.

This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks "Doctor, the cream you're giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning. What's the stuff you're giving me?" The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying "Lipstick remover."

ORSM VIDEO

Well...

-Follow me on Facebook. All the safe for work stuff you see on Orsm flows there. It's how you can enjoy Orsm without feeling like a deviant you fucking deviant.
-Check out the archives. Ever singlew Orsm update going back to the early 1980's.
-Next update will be next Thursday. I.E. the right place at the right time.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ghost you... and that shit hurts.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and never ever make someone else feel good about themselves. That is gaaaaay. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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