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February 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.02.26-20.35

Welcome to MY BALLS.

I've been so busy cranking through various parts of the site which are broken or buggy that this update is way behind schedule. If anything its nice to actually have the time to dedicate towards such pursuits. Still much to do but can't even imagine what else could be possible if this keeps up.

Thanks to all who offered advice on my plantar injury. Have not yet replied to most but am taking steps [steps - geddit?] to rectify the fucker. Most significant improvement has come from new shoes. Don't remember the last time I bought a pair of daily wearers that cost more than $50. Actually the same applies for exercise shoes and come to think of it, all of my shoes except anything I'd wear somewhere formal-ish. At a certain point you become a cheapskate and having fancy kicks drops dramatically on the priority list. Instead, walking into a sports store and finding the bargain aisle triggers a major serotonin release and therein lies the problem. Turns out that cheap mentality actually buys you unsupportiveness whereas forking over a couple of hundred bucks for that killer pair of Asics would have saved me a year of pain and physio/chiro/podiatrist bills. Really wish I'd worked all this out sooner. You don't know until you know though right? Well now I do and wrapped comfortably around my feet currently are an overpriced, ultra-supportive pair of runners and fuck me drunk, the pain has been steadily decreasing all week. It's even possible to walk down stairs without having to go sideways one step at a time gripping the rail for dear life. Cortisone injection is booked for next week however if this keeps up I'll cancel.

My next conquest was a fence. Tracked down 2 additional parts and made a fucking fuckload of tiny adjustments before retiring to await the inspector's inspection. He came, he inspected, it passed. He couldn't see what I was so worried about either. Definitely wasn't going to tell him it was all DIY... not that it made any difference in the end... but that was a good 3-4 months of staring at and tinkering unsuccessfully with the stupid thing attempting to fix the problems. The plus side of the operation, and this goes back to the cheapass thing again, is it literally saved me thousands but again, the time and stress of it all almost wasn't worth it. There might be a lesson here...


Rest of the weekend involved numerous activities, many of which aren't particularly worth devoting words to except perhaps for Chinese New Year... or CNY as us cool kids call it. After punching out some motherfucking eggs at a family breakfast Sunday, most of the rest of the day was spent at home working on this very website before later heading into the city. Basically it was just the main street closed to traffic and lined with craploads of stalls selling Asiany foods intertwined inexplicably with others that weren't. And it was awesome especially if you like Asian food and being tall in a sea of Asian girls. We wandered slightly into the city from there and onto some of the Fringe World Festival. Not really too sure what its all about except something something arts. So music or theatre or comedy or whatever. And that too was awesome. Funny thing is I'm usually quick to shit on the fact there's rarely anything good to go along to and often point to how other cities do it so much better than us... well maybe need to open my eyes occasionally and stop being a fuck.

Alright dudes time to get rolling with the update. I assure you with all my powers that this bad boy is a show stopper and a heart stopper and a gob stopper and many other kinds of stoppers so grab your Kleenex, some lube and prepare for the best god-fucking-damn Thursday update of any site on the internet. Check it...

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Reef BabesYou’ll Want To Take A Look At The Candidates For Miss Reef Chile - Dumb TweetsThe Dumbest Tweets Of 2015 So Far... Holy Shit How Do Some Of These People Remember To Breathe? - Now We KnowMiley Cyrus In One Minute, In One Take – Her Entire Career Condensed Into 60 Hilarious Seconds - Timing!60 Amusing Instances Of Photographs Captured At Exactly The Right Moment - IntenseCrazy Shootout In An Apartment Hallway - UR Silly38 Incredibly Derpy Animals Who Prove That It's Not Just Us Humans Who Are Silly - Nailed It!Xtina Does Britney. Smashes It In Every Way!! - Myth BustedWill Fake Eyes On A Bike Helmet Ward Off Swooping Magpies? Hell No They Won’t- PuzzlingBe Prepared To Be Stunned, Well Maybe Not Stunned... We Don't Want To Hurt You. Perhaps Prepare Yourself To Be Very Impressed By The Coolness Of This Game! - So So WrongLispy The 'Racist Camera Man' Teaches Us A New Word And Turns An Anal Scene Into A Hilarious Cluster Fuck.

Epic BossYou Are About To Embark On The Most Awesome Boss Killing Fest In The History Of All History, Past, Present And Most Likely Future. - Hipster TitsBlanka Somogyi Is The Hot Hipster Model From Your Dreams - ExposedNever Heard Of Adrienne Bailon But Fucking Nice Titties!! - Busty WinAs The Sun Sets, Busty Winona Disrobes And Looks Terrific In The Twilight! - Fuck TruckWhen You're On The Road And Trying To Make Good Time, You Don't Want To Stop For Anything But Gas. So If You Need To Fuck, Have That Whore Sit On Your Dick While You Keep On Truckin'. - Break Her!Asian Pornstar Amai Liu Gets Banged By Big Black Schlong. Pretty Sure He Breaks Her Vagina Too... - AmazingBlonde Secretary Secretly Sucks Her Bosses Dick At The Office. - BigbadaboomDash Cam Captures The Moment A Gas Explosion Obliterates A House - Double BJOne Lucky Guy Receives A God Tier Double Header From A Couple Of Hottie Emo's.

Box DudeThe Mysterious (And Stupid Looking) Alien Force Known As The Box Dudes Have Started Invading Our Galaxy Once Again. Please Do Everything You Can To Defeat Them! - Unlucky!Air Conditioning Unit Falls And Lands On A Man Killing Him Instantly - HardwareGreat Girl... Or Greatest Girl In The World - Snow BlowBlondie Sucks Off Her Man In The Snow Before Beautifully Taking A Load On The Face - Fap FapMeet Solveig Mørk Hansen, Sports Illustrated’s Newest Member - Blond PeachIsabella Farrell By Cameron Davis Will Give You Reason To Keep On Living - Cheeky NipBehati Prinsloo Slips One Out At The Oscar's After Party - PerfectionThe Beach Has Never Looked Better Than With Canadian Model Charlie Riina On It...!! - AbhorrentWhat We're Looking At Here Is The Mexican Lumpback Whale, A Solitary Creature. It Has No Known Predators, And Only Feeds On Pastelitos And Tequila Backwash. - Nerd FuckMy God How Fucking Insanely Hot Can One Fuck Session Be? I'm Serious. You Must See This!

I was walking downtown the other day when I saw these two jerk-offs wearing matching outfits, I mean, down to the belt, same outfits, so I yelled to over to them "Hey faggots did you plan that?"  Anyway, they arrested me.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry; that was an insect". To which, her daughter replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that".
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Cancel my allowance, trash my bedroom, throw all my clothes out the window, take my front door and car keys away and kick me out of the house". Well she didn't actually put it quite like that - she said "Dad, say hello to Mohammed..."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine".
Texas A&M Study Rated Obama 5th Best President in America's History. From a total of 44 US Presidents: Obama is rated as the fifth best. The A&M's Public Relations Office released this statement "After almost six years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the fifth best President ever". These are the details according to Texas A&M: 1. Reagan and Lincoln tied for first;
2. Twenty three presidents tied for second; 3. Seventeen other presidents tied for third; 4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth; and Obama came in fifth.


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-After of South Park's Scientology episode, the church hired people to spy on Matt and Trey to find something on them to use for blackmail. The investigation ultimately turned up nothing but the fact that they're pretty normal people.
-Known as Operation Snow White, the Church launched a long-term plan in the 1970s to gradually infiltrate Government institutions, as well as private organisations, that had investigated or been critical of Scientology or L. Ron Hubbard. As many as 5,000 Church members managed to gain access to 136 US Government agencies, private businesses and foreign embassies, stealing or destroying records held about the Church and its activities. It remains the largest infiltration of the US Government to date.
-Scientology is pitched as a way for people to improve themselves and their lives. The religion allows adherents to progress through various "levels" - which they must pay for. The levels involve course-work, counselling, and tasks, for which Scientologists pay a lot of money.
-The German government refuses to recognise Scientology as a religion. The organization has officially been labelled an 'abusive business masquerading as a religion.'
-Starting in 1973 "Operation Snow White" planted operatives inside the IRS, the FBI, the Justice Department, and the American Medical Association among many others, stealing and copying tens of thousands of documents that might be useful in threatening or silencing Church opponents. It was not uncovered until four years later.
-To join the Sea Org, members must sign contracts agreeing to its original mission as stated by Hubbard "an exploration into both time and space". As such, these contracts last for more than one lifetime, and those joining must agree to return to the organisation when they are reborn for as long as one billion years.
-Wikipedia has banned the Church of Scientology from editing any of its articles. It is a punishment for repeated and deceptive editing of articles related to the controversial religion.
-Sea Org members are not permitted to have children while working for the organization. Women who get pregnant are either pressured to abort the baby, or they must leave. Sea Org members are not provided health insurance, are not given sick days, and the Sea Org will not purchase their medicine for them. Sickness is also treated as the fault of the sick person.
-When founder L. Ron Hubbard wrote Dianetics and his other self-help books, they were intended for serious medical review. While he defined the concept of Dianetics as being a form of organised thought and spiritual healing, supporters submitted academic papers for peer review which claimed the medical and spiritual benefits of the book's principles. Neither the papers nor Dianetics itself received backing from the medical or academic communities.
-The Cult Awareness Network listed Scientology as the #1 most dangerous cult. Scientologists sued them into bankruptcy and now owns the New Cult Awareness Network
-Letters that Sea Org members write to their families are screened before they are passed on to make sure they do not contain any negativity or messages of unhappiness. The Sea Org management reserves the right to ship different family members off to work in other countries or areas without any approval from the spouse. If the family complains, they are punished.
-Spend more than a couple of minutes online and you'll find someone saying negative things about pretty much any religion you care to name, major or otherwise. Whereas most major religions just leave these comments be, the Church of Scientology is very sensitive about anything it perceives as a slight against its reputation and has a long history of suing people who publicly denounce it. The most famous incidents of Scientology lawsuits are those it has launched against individuals and groups who have referred to the Church as a 'cult'.
-In 1943, L. Ron Hubbard, Scientology founder fought a 68 hour naval battle with two non-existent Japanese subs after misusing his vessel's SONAR.
-The church is being investigated by the FBI, with a focus on human trafficking within the Sea Org at the Gold Base in California. The investigation remains open.
-David Miscavige, the leader of the Church of Scientology's wife disappeared in 2007 and hasn't been seen since.
-There are strict rules surrounding their upbringing, including strict diets and no contact with anyone outside of the religion. When it's time to be audited, children are encouraged to "spy" on their parents and tell the church everything that is going on in their household. Scientologists also believe in silent births, which basically means there are to be no spoken words by anyone attending. Hubbard believed that words spoken during times of pain and unconsciousness can have an adverse effect on one later in life.
-The religion of scientology, which teaches about an alien overlord, the Galactic Confederacy, hydrogen bombing souls and implant stations all came from the mind of a published sci-fi and fantasy author.  Hubbard was well-known on the pulp fiction circuit and was even acquainted with famed authors like Isaac Asimov (I, Robot). He continued to write short stories and novels right up until the early 1950s, when he published Dianetics and began to fully explore the mythos behind Scientology.
-To join the high ranks of Scientology you have to sign a Billion Year Contract.
-L. Ron Hubbard was quoted saying "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wanted to make a million dollars, the best way to do it would be to start his own religion". years before starting Scientology.
-Although Scientology is viciously opposed to the use of psych drugs, L Ron Hubbard was using Vistaril, a psych drug, when he died.
-The Church of Scientology has a compound in California called Gold Base that is guarded by snipers and armed gate guards. It allegedly houses a prison that practices torture, and a paramilitary training school.
-L Ron Hubbard once begged the Veterans Administration for psychiatric help.
-Vince Offer, the ShamWow! guy, used the proceeds from his late night marketed movie, The Underground Comedy Movie, to sue the Church of Scientology.
-Scientologists refer to non-Scientologists as "wogs". The term is copyrighted. It is unsurprising to learn that Hubbard was a racist too.
-Jenna Miscavige Hill, the niece of the Chairman of Scientology, David Miscavige, first learned about the story of Xenu from watching the "Trapped in the Closet" episode of South Park.
-As the Church grew in the 1960s and 1970s, journalists and government authorities began to take an interest in its actions, particularly in cases where it appeared that initiates might be getting scammed out of large sums of money. The Church and Hubbard's response was to issue guidance to its lawyers and followers that critics should be identified, followed, investigated for criminal or morally-dubious activity (the definition of which included homosexuality and sexual promiscuity) and then blackmailed or publicly smeared in an attempt to discredit their accusations.
-The Church of Scientology is not a church, it's a corporation.
-There is a Scientology drug rehab program called "Narconon". It uses saunas, vitamins, minerals and oils to tackle the effects of drug addiction, but critics say it's "medically unsafe" "quackery" and "medical fraud".
-Hubbard was a serial masturbator, noting in his diaries "I have a very bad masturbatory history. I was taught when I was 11 and, despite guilt, fear of insanity, etc. etc. I persisted".
-In 1970 the English Court of Appeal found that Scientology does not engage in religious worship
-A randomised study of the Stress Test the Church offers had 3 individuals submit diametrically opposed answers. The results all reflected negative results, requiring treatment. Which means the test is weighted towards negativity.
-Charles Manson took 150 hours of Scientology courses and rejected it as "too crazy".
-Lisa McPherson, a Scientologist, was involved in a car accident and resultantly became mentally unstable. She was kidnapped from the hospital by agents of Scientology, held against her will, refused proper psychiatric treatment and allowed to starve to death.
-The Church's 'Fair Game' doctrine allowed for the harassment and covert investigation and smearing of critics and ex-members, and was used famously to target the journalist Paulette Cooper. Cooper had written a book called The Scandal of Scientology, in which she roundly criticised the Church, not least for its anti-psychiatry stance. In response, it launched Operation Freakout, a sustained campaign of litigation, fake bomb threats in her name and harassment, all with the stated goal of having Cooper hospitalised, imprisoned or even driven to suicide.
-In 1993, upon learning that they were to play a show at a venue owned by the Church of Scientology, the band Tool was opposed to performing. They played, but Maynard, the lead singer, spent most of the show baa-ing like a sheep at the audience.
-They believe that any critics or enemies may be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist.
-L. Ron Hubbard's eldest son L. Ron Hubbard, Jr. rejected his father and scientology and changed his name to Ronald DeWolf.
-They believe that all psychiatrists are evil, scheming, diabolical monsters who are part of a global conspiracy of drug control and murder.
-L. Ron Hubbard's book "Battlefield Earth" stayed on bestseller lists despite being critically panned because The Church of Scientology had members purchase thousands of copies, some going so far as to repeatedly buy the same copies.
-Auditing is a process said to "clear" us of Body Thetans as well as the mental implants they supposedly impose on our minds.
-L. Ron Hubbard and the Church of Scientology teach followers that psychology and psychiatry, particularly that involving prescription medicine, is barbaric and corrupt, and that mental illness should instead be treated using alternative, spiritual methods of healing and treatment. Who would have thought that a religion that believes in thetans, H-bomb volcanoes and Xenu would have an issue with requiring medical care for the mentally ill?
-When L. Ron Hubbard showed off Scientology's first "clear" member (the highest level of achievement with skills that included perfect memory), the woman couldn't even recall what colour tie Hubbard was wearing
-Scientology believes that human beings evolved from clams.
-The Church of Scientology routinely gives its members security checks to determine if they've been unfaithful to the church. The "Security Check Children" is a 99 question interrogation, given to children of ages 6-12.
-According to the Church doctrine's 'Operating Thetan Level III', Xenu was the evil dictator of the Galactic Confederacy which existed 75 million years ago. According to Hubbard, Xenu brought billions of people to earth (called Teegeeack at the time), grouped them up near volcanoes and proceeded to drop hydrogen bombs on them. The souls of the dead people then had to watch a "3D, super colossal motion picture" which gave them false memories of Jesus, the crucifixion and all major world religions. These souls apparently now negatively affect everyone who has not had them removed by the Church.
-There's a scientology museum in Los Angeles called "Psychiatry: An Industry of Death".
-Scientologists who break the rules while members of the Sea Org must subject themselves to the Rehabilitation Project Force (RPF), which includes regimes of harsh physical punishment, forced self-confessions, social isolation, hard labour and intensive ideological indoctrination.
-In 1943, L. Ron Hubbard wrote a series of private letters about losing his command and various military blunders, and general good health. Later, he founded scientology and claimed heroics and injuries in the war.
-In 1967, the paranoid Hubbard (who feared persecution in the US because of his 'radical' ideas) set up Sea Org, a naval-based unit of the Church of Scientology which sailed around the Mediterranean in the late 60s and early 70s. Naval uniforms and leadership conventions were established, with some teenage, female members famously wearing tank tops and hot pants as their uniforms. Today, the Sea Org is mostly land-based, though high-level social and religious gatherings still take place on its flagship, Freewinds, which is based in the Caribbean.
-Members of Scientology's inner circle have to work 100+ hours/week for the church, face severe restrictions on family affairs, and can be sent to a private prison to do hard labour if they break church rules.
-A CBS "48 Hours" special on Jeremy Perkins, the mentally disturbed son of Scientologist parents who, because of the Scientology doctrine of opposing psychiatry, refused to put him on the anti-psychotic drugs that would have stabilised him and prevented him from killing his own mother.
- Nancy Cartwright, the woman who voices Bart Simpson, once donated $10 million to the Church of Scientology, which was almost twice her annual salary.


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One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden, an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a policeman came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY MERCEDES DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed.

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.

"HA!" the policeman replied "You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "OH MY GOD! MY ROLEX!!"


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THEN: A large group of boys form around the two, they beat the shit out of each other, they shake hands and the next day they are best mates.
NOW: The police are called. They arrest John and Jack. All cellular phones with videos of the fight are confiscated as evidence. Both are charged with assault. Both are suspended, even though Jack started the fight. The parents are summoned for consultation and the other children who saw the fight get trauma counselling. The video of the fight is available on YouTube.


THEN: Jack gets a hiding. He can still not sit down because his arse got a spanking, but he shuts up, finishes school and becomes a successful businessman.
NOW: Jack is is tested for ADD then put on Ritalin because he is hyperactive. He becomes a zombie. Jack cannot cope and leaves school in the 8th grade.


THEN: Jack gets a spanking. He has to work in the neighbour's garden for a week and get a job to pay for the window.
NOW: Jack gets a spanking. His father is arrested for child abuse. Jack is placed in foster-care. The psychiatrist convinces Jack's sister that her father sexually abused her and their father goes to jail. Jack's parents get divorced because the psychiatrist fucks Jack's mother.


THEN: He attends extra English classes, passes school and graduates from university.
NOW: The teacher is blamed for the failure. A local human rights group takes up his case. They determine that compulsory English at school is blatant racism. It becomes a major political issue. A case is made against the school and the Department of Education. English is removed from the curriculum. Jack's passes school very well, but mows lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


THEN: The ant hill is fucked. Thousands of ants are killed.
NOW: The animal protection groups are called in. Jack is arrested and charged with urban terrorism and cruelty to animals. His parents are placed under surveillance. Jack's younger brothers and sisters are taken away from home. Their computers are confiscated. Jack's father is placed on a list of terrorists. He is fired and cannot get another job. The family starves.


THEN: Jack soon feels better and by second break he is running around again.
NOW: Jack's teacher is accused of being a paedophile. She loses her job. She receives a suspended sentence. Jack receives therapy for five years and becomes a faggot.


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A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York . The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions". "Anything, anything!" declared the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement".

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation. "Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France".

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York , then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to. "Finally" she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis".

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said "Okay, okay, I cut, I cut!"

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A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his cock while he pees.

The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his cock back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that" the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now".


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An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts "Yes, oi am".

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks "Have you found Jesus, me brother?" The drunk answers "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.

One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?

The next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting her dinner date. The blonde was very very happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them. "NO WAY" she exclaimed "I almost got caught yesterday!"


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A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone" Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.

"But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece!" says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough" says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green" he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already!"


"Well let's get right to it shall we? No point delaying the inevitable" he said in a thick Indonesian accent...

-Check out the site archives. Now with more of them actually working!
-I have it on good authority that next update will be next Thursday.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray punch you in the face with a dick taco.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and keep on truckin'. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.02.19-19.45

Welcome to shit eating grin.

I'm umm'ing and ahh'ing over an injury. Has been over a year of limping around like a fuck with at least 1 but sometimes 2 sore heels. Unfortunately didn't have the time to seek treatment or take days or weeks off to let my heels heal so just pushed through the pain. Turns out this wasn't such a smart idea. Around Christmas I finally saw a physio who diagnosed it as plantar fasciitis. Something strained ligament something foot something. Apparently a common injury which was caused by overuse. Thankfully the treatments are mostly nonsurgical and include taping, icing, orthotics and the big one - a cortisone injection. This is where things get annoying. I've had cortisone before... years ago in a fucked shoulder and it made the pain worse. This leaves me somewhere between hoping it'll get better automagically and painfully limping everywhere until it does OR taking a risk that the injection has the opposite of intended effect and continuing to painfully limp everywhere. Think I just answered my own question...


Inescapable they were; the Giants. These guys have travelled to various cities around the world in different formats but it was now our turn for a visit. The Diver and Little Girl are 2 oversized mechanical marionettes operated by an elaborate series of ropes, tugged at and swung on by a team of people who walk them through around the city streets. In full flight it almost looks like the crew of an old ship unfurling sails. This is street theatre.

We'd been hearing about them for weeks or months - cost, expected crowd sizes, public transport options, parking scaremongering and whatever else but remained uninvested in the whole thing. Until Friday anyway. The evening news showed the little girl strutting her stuff and it looked like one of those things you don't want to miss. So we jumped in the car, ignored the warnings and headed for the city. Parking was ridiculously easy and found within seconds whereas train passengers faced long waits in any direction. Made the quick walk to a vantage point and saw the 11 metre Giant go past [Video here. Look at all the dumb-dumbs holding their phones vertically], hung there for a while, then walked a few streets away to see the Girl Giant arrive at a park to sleep. And it was awesome. Exceptionally awesome and hard to truly appreciate until you see them in the flesh doing their thing.

It cost $5M to hold the event and was money well spent. The whole city was talking about them, what they saw the Giants doing and so on. Had to laugh at the whingers though. Always going to get them but fuckwits, seriously, its not like anyone else's kids could see either. If not having a front row seat like 95% of other people then maybe the lesson is to arrive earlier? The same applies for morons with their giant prams... the bigger/cheaper it is the more belligerent and entitled the person pushing it was.

The rest of the weekend wasn't bad at all. You know you're in an excellent relationship when she says Valentine's Day shouldn't involve wasteful presents, an OTT dinner or any significant fuss. All we really wanted to do was smash a film and stop at our local cheap and cheerful for dinner afterward. Got a babysitter over and did just that. Highly recommend Kingsman if you haven't seen it too.

Sunday entailed breakfast with the boys. This is where everyone escapes partners and appendages to a café along the coast, enjoys some motherfucking eggs and the endless parade of girls in the vicinity. Good times. The rest of the day was dedicated to the fencing probs I mentioned last week... try as I may the f-ing gate will not "close from any position". Round 57 of that DIY will kick off this coming weekend...

And with that its time to move on with a brand new update. I'd be remiss to not remind you to click and check everything. The update really is that good. Check it...

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Smackdown!TV Host Accuses Surfer Of Secretly Texting Girlfriend - *Facepalm* Saudi Cleric Needs To Take Some Basic Science Classes - WeirdoMeet Malcolm Brenner, The Man Who Had An 'Intimate' Sexual Relationship With A Dolphin - Get GirlsLonely, Single And Male? Learn How To Master Online Dating With This Expert Advice - Kill CountEasily The Best Movie I've Seen In Ages. Here's The John Wick Kill Counter! - The DavidWatch David Bowie's Career Condensed Into One Hilarious Minute, Shot In One Take - Batshit CrazyThis Lady Is All Kinds Of Insane... And Then Some! - GingersIt's Looking As If Gingers Could All Become Extinct Very Soon Due To Climate Change - Stunt DiverYou'll Probably Spend Forever Trying To Perfect Your Dive. Sounds Lame? Nope! This Is Mint!! - AxedHey Buddy, Where Do You Think You're Going With My Axe?

Swarm SimThis Freakishly Simple Game Is Freakishly Addictive. Give It A Shot And See What I Mean. - Pole POVJoin Allison Stokke As She Works The Pole In POV - First AnalTeen Mila Gets It Sweet And Deep In The Butt. This Would Be My Dream Come True! - BallisticPorn Star Mercedes Carrera Goes Ballistic On Modern Feminists - ShamefulRacist Chelsea Fans Refuse To Let Black Passenger On Paris' Metro Train - OutstandingCute Brace-Faced Teen Gets A Mouthful Of Cum During The Holiday Season - GorgeousCassidy Banks Is The Hottest New Porn Star And Every Porn Site Are Fighting To Shoot Her! - Nips OutedElisabetta Canalis Loses Her Dress (And So Much More!) On The Dance Floor - Dad WTF?It's Pretty Common To See A Mum And Daughter Naked On A Camshow But Never Before Have We Seen A Father And Daughter... Until Now. - SickeningHe Probably Didn't Mean To Hurt Him So Bad But It Just Goes To Show You Never Know What Could Happen

Mr BubblesThis Is Not As Simple As One Might Believe... - Oh Gianna!Gianna Michaels Will Always Be One Of Porns Greatest And Here She Proves She's More Than Just A Cum Target - Beach TitsKerrie McMahon Caught Topless Shooting On The Beach And Looking Sexy As Fuck - Road HeadThat's How You Do It, Fellas. Take A Lesson From This Man. - Epic FacialCock Sniper Dumps A Load Of Ball Mayo On His Babe - 50 Shades The Dakota Johnson 50 Shades Of Grey Nudity - PrankedShe's Got A Surprise For You! - Fucked UpWow, I Can Only Describe This As Amazing And Shocking... - Sooo BustedThis Highlights Some "Shoulda Locked The Fucking Door But I Was Too Busy Thinking With My Genitals"...

I went to have my prostate checked the other day. I was very unnerved when I asked the doc where to put my pants, and he said to just them over there with his.
I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today". I told him I was not paralysed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold, my fucking car was gone.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother" he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both". "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it" Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course! What's the use of fookin' one?".
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too fucking late pal! I've already done the paperwork!"


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-Axl Rose is an anagram for oral sex, and his real name is William Bailey. Rose used to earn $8 an hour by smoking cigarettes for a science experiment at UCLA.
-The Beastie Boys' album "License to Ill" was originally titled "Don't Be a Fag*ot" but it was changed when Columbia Records refused to release the album under its original title.
-Originally, the first line to Irving Berlin's "White Christmas" was "I'm sitting by a pool in Beverly Hills dreaming of a White Christmas. "A friend suggested to him that he drop the reference to Beverly Hills, and the song went on to become the most commercially successful song ever.
-The Clash's "Rock The Casbah" was written after the banning of rock music in Iran.
-Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon earnings were invested in a floating restaurant, a fudge-making hotel, a computer game, a film nobody saw, a skateboard company, a car hire business, and a children's shoe factory. All complete failures. They fled to France as tax exiles and recorded The Wall.
-American composer John Cage (1912-1992) composed a work in 1952 entitled 4' 33" which consists of four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence.
-Bono got his nickname from a hearing-aid store.
-Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" spent 741 weeks on the billboard charts, from 1973 to 1988, longer than any other album.
-Louis Armstrong holds the record of oldest chart topper. Having reached number one in the UK in 1968 with the song 'What A Wonderful World'. He was 67 at the time.
-John Lennon was featured as the cover story on the first issue of Rolling Stone, but the Beatles hold the record for most covers with more than 30.
-Bon Scott liked the Young Brothers, but thought they were too inexperienced and too young to rock. The Young Brothers replied with saying Scott was too old to rock. But after one jam session with each other, it was obvious AC/DC found its new lead singer.
-Leo Fender, inventor of the Stratocaster and Telecaster, couldn't play the guitar.
-Jimmy Page dated a 14-year-old girl while he was touring with Led Zeppelin.
-Melba toast is named after Australian opera singer Dame Nellie Melba (1861-1931)
-The Rolling Stones' tongue logo design was inspired by the Indian Hindu goddess Kali The Destroyer.
-Freddie Mercury is celebrated in Iran, a country where homosexuality is illegal, and Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" was the 1st rock song officially approved post-revolution since he calls for God in Arabic ("Bismillah! We will not let you go") to help regain his soul from Shaitan.
-So-called 'gut strings' for acoustic Spanish guitars were originally made from the small intestines of slaughtered sheep. The production material only changed to nylon during World War II, when all available gut was used in the production of surgical thread for wounded soldiers.
-London Calling was named after a phrase used in a BBC show during WWII "Good morning America, this is London Calling".
-The Stuxnet virus, which was the virus that shut down the Iran's nuclear plants, made emergency speakers blast "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC before shutting down all systems.
-Angelina Jolie's uncle, Chip Taylor, wrote the song "Wild Thing".
-Queen's guitarist, Brian May, has a PhD in Astrophysics.
-Tap dancing originates from Irish clog dancing and what is called the Irish reel and jig.
-Lynyrd Skynyrd got their name from a high school teacher, Leonard Skinner, who suspended students for having long hair.
-Justin Bieber's music is and always will be fucking shit.
-Rolling Stones drummer, Charlie Watts, was sleeping one day, when Mick Jagger phoned drunk to Watts' hotel room asking where was his drummer. Watts got up, suited-up, went to Jagger's room, punched him, and then replied "Don't ever call me your drummer again. You're my fucking singer!"
-At the first Grammy Awards, held on 4 May 1959, Domenico Modugno beat out Frank Sinatra and Peggy Lee for the Record of the Year, with "Volare".
-Brian Jones, co-founder of The Rolling Stones, was proficient at over 60 musical instruments.
-The famous Rolling Stone cover shot of a naked John Lennon curled against Yoko Ono was taken by Annie Leibovitz at the same apartment complex and on the same day Lennon was fatally shot.
-A grand piano can be played faster than an upright (spinet) piano.
-Zeppelin came up with the title "Black Dog" after a large black labrador walked into the studio while recording.
-The Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync had the same manager and he defrauded both of them out of millions of dollars.
-A piano covers the full spectrum of all orchestra instruments, from below the lowest note of the double bassoon to above the top note of the piccolo.
-Eric Clapton wrote the song "Layla" for George Harrison's wife.
-Jon Bon Jovi has a community restaurant that has no prices listed for the food. You pay for it if you can afford to or volunteer in the kitchen in exchange for meals.
-The harmonica is the world's best-selling music instrument.
-The Doors were the first band ever to advertise a new album on a billboard.
-'N Sync's "I'll Never Stop" is the best-selling cassette single of 2009, 2010, and 2011, selling 24 copies, 13 copies, and 11 copies respectively.
-Themes from movies Unforgiven, A Perfect World, The Bridges of Madison County, and Absolute Power were all written by Clint Eastwood.
-John Bonham drank 40 shots of vodka the night he died.
-The producer recording "Sweet Child O' Mine" with Guns n' Roses suggested there be a breakdown at the end of the song. The band had no idea where to take the song, resulting in the iconic repetition of "Where do we go now?"
-Frank Sinatra was named Entertainer of the Century in 2000. His tombstone reads "The best is yet to come".
-Keith Moon, drummer from The Who, allegedly gave Led Zeppelin their name.
-System of a Down, The Beatles, Guns 'N Roses, 2Pac and DMX are the only artists to have ever had 2 studio albums debut at #1 in the same year.
-The longest hymn is Hora Novissima Tempora Pessima Sunt; Vigilemus by Bernard of Cluny, which is 2,966 lines long.
-Led Zeppelin was once accused of defiling a groupie with a mud shark.
-The sex noises in Rocket Queen by Guns N' Roses were real and were made by Axl Rose having sex with Steven Adler's girlfriend in the studio.
-Hungarian musician Franz Liszt received so many requests for locks of his hair that he bought a dog and snipped off patches of fur to send to admirers.
-Each member of Nirvana was kicked out of the Nevermind release party for starting a food fight.
-Chuck Berry earns all the royalties from the Beach Boy's 1963 hit single 'Surfin USA', which he won in a copyright infringement lawsuit unbeknownst to the Beach Boys for 25 years.
-The world's largest piano is a Challen Concert Grand. This piano is 11 feet long, has a total string tension of over 30 tons and weighs more than a tonne.
-Before joining KISS, Vinnie Vincent wrote the soundtracks for Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi.
-On his last day as a welder, Tony Iommi, guitarist of Black Sabbath, lost the tips of his two fretting fingers. While he was recovering he found it easier to play the guitar by dropping the tuning and using lighter gauge strings, which helped give Black Sabbath its signature, dark, sound.


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A young man calls on his new girl for a first date. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.

After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you," he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response. "That's how they communicate!" Mum was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, screw him, I'm watching the match."


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Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p". They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says "That'll be 10p each, please".

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying "That's 40p, please". They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired tailor" the bartender says "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same". "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender "What's with them?"

The bartender says "They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price".


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-On finding the body of Kurt Cobain three days after he died, the stereo at the scene of his death was still on with an R.E.M. CD in place suggesting Kurt Cobain killed himself while listening to R.E.M.
-While bagpipes are today identified with Scotland, they date from ancient times and may have been introduced into the British Isles by the Romans.
-Prince's "Purple Rain" is an allegory to the Jimi Hendix song "Purple Haze".
-The Notorious B.I.G, Jay-Z, DMX, and Busta Rhymes all went to the same high school, at the same time.
-Music can help reduce chronic pain by more than 20% and can alleviate depression by up to 25%.
-Fleetwood Mac founding member Jeremy Spencer abruptly left the group to join the Children of God cult.
-The most expensive opera costume of all time was worn by Adelina Patti at Covent Garden in 1895. It was worth £15 million.
-Scientists in Germany have discovered that pianists have more efficient brains. A group of scientists required pianists and non-musicians of the same age and sex to perform complex sequences of finger movements. Their brains were scanned using a technique called "functional magnetic resonance imaging" (fMRI) which detects the activity levels of brain cells, by measuring changes in blood flow. The non-musicians were able to make the movements as correctly as the pianists. However, the amount of brain activity in areas controlling movement was different. The pianists made the correct movements while having less brain activation. Thus, compared to non-musicians, the brains of pianists are more efficient at making skilled movements. These findings show that musical training can enhance brain function.
-The Muppet Show's Animal is allegedly inspired by Mick Fleetwood.
-Anthony Kiedis once missed a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert because he was off scoring drugs, so Keith Morris filled in on vocals and just yelled and made up lyrics because he didn't know any of the songs.
-The longest piano piece of any kind is 'Vexations' by Erik Satie. It consists of a 180-note composition which, on the composer's orders, must be repeated 840 times so that the whole performance is 18 hours 40 minutes. Its first reported public performance in September 1963, in the Pocket Theater, New York City, required a relay team of 10 pianists. The New York Times critic fell asleep at 4am and the audience dwindled to 6. At the conclusion, one of the 6 shouted 'Encore!'
-After making a mistake when recording "Hey Jude" Paul McCartney says "Oh, fucking hell" at 2:58.
-The Spice Girls personally made $75million between 1996 and 1998. Their global grosses were estimated to be $500-800million. They only released two albums.
-At only four lines long, the Japanese national anthem is the shortest national anthem. The longest is the Greek national anthem at 158 verses long.
-Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young" is about a man attempting to convince a Catholic girl to lose her virginity to him.
-In 1986, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were budgeted $5000 by EMI Music to make a demo tape and set aside $2000 to spend on heroin and cocaine.
-Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.
-Before Neil Young joined Crosby, Stills and Nash, the members reached out to George Harrison and Eric Clapton to join the group.
-Aerosmith made more money from Guitar Hero than any albums.
-Jimi Hendrix's tombstone has a Fender Stratocaster carved on it.
-Queen has the longest-running fan club, according to the Guinness Book of World Records.
-During the period of 2000-2009 Dave Matthews Band sold more tickets and earned more money than any other act in North America
-The smallest guitar in the world is 10 micrometres long with strings 50 nanometres (100 atoms) wide.
-Paul McCartney performed at the 2012 London Olympics Opening Ceremony for the fee of £1.
-When Pearl Jam released their cover of 'Last Kiss' as a single, they decided all proceeds would go to Kosovo War refugees. The song raised ten million dollars.
-The total string tension in a concert grand is close to Thirty Tons!
-Before he renamed himself Bob Dylan, Robert Allen Zimmerman briefly went by Elston Gunn.
-In 1991, during a period of only six weeks, five classic modern rock albums were released: Metallica's Black Album, Pearl Jam's Ten, Guns N' Roses' Use Your Illusion, Nirvana's Nevermind and Red Hot Chili Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magic. The last two were released on the same day.
-That a boxed model D Steinway Grand Piano weighs 1400 Pounds!
-Malcolm Young, AC/DC guitarist, worked in a bra factory as a sewing-machine mechanic.
-Yamaha, established in 1887, was the first piano manufacturer in Japan.
-The Rolling Stones recorded "Nineteenth Nervous Breakdown" after Mick Jagger announced how exhausted was after touring "I don't know about you blokes, but I feel about ready for my 19th nervous breakdown".
-The Beatles' White Album was originally titled A Doll's House.
-The London Symphony Orchestra was booked to travel on the Titanic's maiden voyage, but they changed boats at the last minute.
-The Eagles started out as the backup band for Linda Ronstadt.
-Black Sabbath wrote the hit song "Paranoid" in 20 minutes to fill the remaining 3 minutes of time on their upcoming album. It is now regarded as one of the greatest rock and heavy metal songs of all time.
-Elvis recorded more than 600 songs, but wrote zero of them.
-Baritone Leonard Warren died on stage at The Met in 1960 just as he had finished singing Verdi's 'Morir, Tremenda Cosi' ('To Die, a Momentous Thing').
-Chuck Berry aspired to be a professional photographer and only performed music to buy photography equipment.
-The Beastie Boys used to open for themselves in disguise as a heavy metal band.
-Bill Wyman, former Rolling Stones guitarist, dated a 14-year-old.
-A single violin is made from over 70 individual pieces of wood.
-Dylan's first draft of "Like a Rolling Stone" was six pages long.
-During a performance of Boris Godunov at Sydney Opera House, a chicken fell off the stage and onto a cellist.
-While Dylan's "Rainy Day Women #12 & 35" was recorded in one take.
-Renaissance composer Orlando de Lassus was kidnapped many times as a boy because of his beautiful singing voice.
-Jimi Hendrix wrote "Purple Haze" after dreaming about walking under the sea.
-The Oxford English Dictionary cites The Beastie Boys as being responsible for coining the term "mullet" in 1994 to refer to the popular 1980s hairstyle.

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A man had lost an arm from an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

Curious, the man with one arm asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch".

Heart-warming stories like this just make one want to cry.


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"I'm a bad girl" she whispered "Punish me in a way only a real man can!" "Alright" I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.

"I want it now against this wall!" she ordered "And keep it up as long as possible". "Don't worry" I said "I know how to put up a shelf".

As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said "I want to see your hardness". "Alright" I replied, and punched the waiter.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.

Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.

"How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?" she asked. "Fine" I said "But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here".

Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it. I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.

As I lay there on the floor, my body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words... "Clean up on aisle 3".

"Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?" she asked. I nodded nervously. "OK" she said and ate half my chips.

Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers. My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she got home.

"Hurt me!" she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. "OK" I replied "Your turkeys too dry and your sprouts are overcooked".

She leant over the kitchen table. "Smack that bottom" she squealed "Smack it hard!" "I am" I said "But the ketchup just won't come out".

She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.

They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.

"I'm your slave" she said breathlessly "Make me feel completely helpless and worthless". So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.

Her body trembled and shook. "I can't wait any longer, do it now!" she cried. "OK" I said and got the winter duvet from the airing cupboard.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter "Harder!" "Alright" I said "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

"Hurt me!" she cried, pressing her body up against the shed wall. "Alright" I said. "You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister".


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Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls "Before entering you must answer this simple question". "Which is ...?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl. "Oh yes" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married". "Very good" said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key".

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl. "Oh, quite good" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married". "Very good" said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key".

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all" she said. "I had sex with practically every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime". "Very good" said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key".


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One hot summer day, Bruce came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside..?" Bruce called out "It's mine, mate".

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the cop said. Bruce replied "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree".

The cop said "No..! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred". "No way" said Bruce. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed 'er this mornin'".

The exasperated cop said "NO! You idiot, you don't understand, your dog wants to have sex..!"

Bruce looked at the cop, then at his dog and said "Well, go ahead. I've always wanted a police dog..."


Don't make me say it... oh alright then...

-Check out the site archives coz they've been checking you out [and they like what they say].
-Next update will be next Thursday. You should know this by now. Why do you keep asking me?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will #boycottstupidhashtags
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't be all 'you know' about it. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.02.12-17.38

Welcome to one day I'll punch you right in the face and then you'll respect me!

After copping out on writing a blog last week I'm in the unusual position of actually having a bunch of things to crap on about. Not really sure which to go with so let's just see what happens.

The biggest story doing the rounds right now is the impending execution of two Aussie drug smugglers in Bali. 10 years ago they, along with a few 'mules', were busted trying to head home with a crapload of heroin. (IIRC) the mules got life in jail but the ringleaders have been battling the Indonesian legal system to avoid the firing squad. In the last few weeks though all appeal options were finally exhausted and officials are gearing up to kill them. It's at this point opinions vary wildly. No one is saying they aren't guilty but whether they should or shouldn't die is incredibly contentious, especially because Australia doesn't have the death penalty. Plenty of "they knew the penalty for drug trafficking" or "they wouldn't have cared if anyone had died taking the drugs" going on. True. On the other hand they've both made efforts to turn their lives around and have done great things to make other prisoners lives better. And that's where I've landed - they've been locked away for 10 years now... what's achieved by killing them now? Everyone fucks up. Everyone does stupid things. Everyone thinks they'll get away with it. Most of us don't pay with our lives.


Alright moving onward and upward. I was going to have a little bitch about my fuckered ankle but will leave for another time as shit isn't getting better anytime soon. We can instead move on to a rundown of the week's events...

Brace yourselves. By far the most titillating thing to happen is getting all my bills and paperwork almost up to date. Okay that sounds like pretty basic shit for most people but after the chaos of last year, moving house and not quite getting around to it since, there was a gargantuan pile of paper and unopened mail stretching back to 2013. Add to that a chunk of the bills were only half mine meaning tediously trying to work out who's paid what and owes how much to who or where. This process caused me to go rifling back through boxes and the discovery of stuff going back over 10 years. A huge cleanout followed. After all why would anyone need car servicing receipts from 2 and 3 cars ago or phone bills from 2003 or whatever? The result is one where I feel like a psychological load has been lifted. It's cathartic. Now if I can just get my inbox cleared it'll be happy days.

Lately Friday has become a day reclaimed so as not to interfere with the weekend it's the day we've scheduled baby swimming classes. Probably more to teach parents how to teach rug rats how to swim and for dads an excellent op to perv on mummy titties. Next was an extended socialising session. With friends from overseas in town someone decided we should have them and their newborn over for lunch. Made some BBQ, drank some beer and talked parenthood/babies. All a bit grown up and civilised really. Had a great time and 5 hours later as they exited via the front door the friends we'd invited for dinner came through the side gate. Made some BBQ, drank some beer and talked kids/babies. All up almost 9 hours of entertaining. Too much.

With an inspection due any day now I started Saturday fixing a problem with the fence we built. Whilst it is some degree of safe, it wasn't graceful and unlikely to pass scrutiny from inspectors who are renowned to be assholic. A buttload of silicone later, hopefully the damn thing is on the way to being sorted. Next was a broken toilet which I've also been trying to fix for months. The problem? Lazy idiot plumbers. It's taken an absurd amount of time, brain power and hardware store visits but now resolved and finally usable. We headed for the shops afterward. After accidentally smashing my last remaining favourite bowl we went to find replacements... which amazingly took hardly any time at all. The previous 4 bowls were smashed in unison. I kid you not, the months leading up to moving house I talked about those bowls often. I missed them. I was excited about our approaching reunion. Yes I know this sounds fucking, fucking insane but I really, really loved them. And then on moving day the plastic tub holding the bowls, the plastic tub which had become brittle in storage, disintegrated as I carried it to the kitchen. Nothing else that hit the floor in that disintegrated tub broke... except MY bowls which were shattered into a million little pieces not unlike my heart.

Began Sunday with an early family breakfast thing then home a few hours later it was back onto the handyman stuff. Amongst various tasks was sprinkler repair. Seems to not matter how many of them I replace, females will invariably drive over and/or park on them... and the new lawn. Once that was sorted a bunch of friends rolled over for a BBQ and several beers. Quite hot that day so happy to do just that.

Was on baby duty [not allowed to say 'babysitting' because "how can you babysit your own kid!!?!"] that afternoon and night. All went well until the spew-splosion. Removed the shirt and began clean-up... then ended up with round 2 all down my front AND back. Nasty as hell but eternally grateful it wasn't poop. Fingers crossed that day never comes...

Okay... well that waffled on more than anyone would deem reasonable so I'll cut the crap and let you guys get at it. Go forth and enjoy. This update is sicker than a Panamanian Petting Zoo. Check it...

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OMG True!How Every Ping Pong Match Between Brothers Ends... Or Should End - How The Hell?How To Tell You Picked The Wrong Car - Don't Touch!Boa Constrictor Bites Woman On Dutch Reality TV Show - #CurvesSports Illustrated Feature First Ever Plus-size Model In Upcoming Swimsuit Edition - Easy JoeTo Start This Looks Totally Stupid But Quickly Becomes So Much More. You'll See What I Mean... - Totes AwksDoctor Phil In The Ultimate Stare Down Competition - So NoseyCaptain America Beware! Man Cuts His Nose Off To Look Like Marvel Super Villain 'Red Skull' - InnovativeBlast People With Love And Fashion In This Cool New Online FPS Game - Tech Nostalgia13 Nostalgically Amusing Radio Shack Ads To Help You Say Goodbye

Mad DayMadness Is Coming. More Mad Than Mad Itself... It Is Super Mad Time - Love BoobsA Bunch Of Boobs - Including Kendall Jenner For Love Magazine - UnbelievableSamantha Lily In Sexy Lingerie Has A God Damn Amazing Body - What A BodKerrie McMahon Caught Topless Shooting For 138 Water - Fukn HawtHot Teen Babe Fucks In Bathroom On Cam - Angry SlagChick Has A Mean Right Cross - Bad BoysAustralian Police Helicopter Videos Highway Shoot-Out After Lengthy Pursuit - DemeanedJew Boy Vs Swedish Pornstar In The Bang Bus - W-T-FUCKI Have No Words For This You Have To Watch It For Yourself

ZombiedIn This Action-Shooter, You Get Busy Slicing, Dicing, Blasting And Hacking All The Zombies You Can Handle! - Anal POVLet's Go Deep In The Butt With Sex Godess Bella Bellz - Nasty SlutFucking Hell. What The Absolute Fuck Is This Shit!? - Porn MusicHorribly Catchy Musical Pornography - Prove It19 Year Old Girl Can't Prove She's Alive - PussyPizza Guy Denies Big Tittied Cam Girl Playing A Prank - THISThat Library Webcam Which Show Kendra Sunderland In The Shit - Kardash NudeKim Kardashian Naked For A Magazine - LOL RemakeTopless Remake Of The Coke Scene From Robocop! - Bikini WowPadma Lakshmi Pokies And Camel Toe Beachside In A Red Bikini

Remember: you can't spell "Valentine's Day" without "anal destiny"
There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory where the father thought "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages". The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said "Yes son, we call it your mother".
I said to my wife "Describe me in two words". She replied "Big prick". "Damn, that woman worships me".
I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I could tell it was going to be a good film... the place was buzzing.
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad and ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback as a bush tracker. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, almost naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What's happened?" she asks. "Well Sheila I've never been with a woman" he says "but if it's anything like fucking a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!!"
Just heard our local Muslim optician has passed away... Asif Eyecare.
The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks. He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The fellow thought for a minute, then answered "The lady who lives here lets me fuck her".


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-"Tell me 3 of your weaknesses" "I work too hard. I never ask for a big enough raise. I tend to lie when I'm asked stupid questions".
-Question: 'So how does your husband like you working out of the house?' Answer: 'Not that it's any of your business, but since I have two advanced degrees and earn more than twice what he does, he loves it'. Decided not to work for that sexist bastard.
-"Do you plan to keep working once your husband gets out of grad school?" Me: "No, I got a chemical engineering degree so I could stay home and bake cake".
-I was asked "Do you have a Bachelor's Degree?" Reply: "I have my Masters" Response: "But do you have a Bachelor's Degree??"
-Him: "List the Ten Commandments in any order". Me: "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
-At my job interview for an Assistant Architect: "It says here you worked in cartography. What kind of carts did you design?" "Let me draw you a map..."
-How do you feel about working late nights and weekends to finish a project on time?" Response: "How do you feel about paying double time for me working late nights and weekends?"
-Question: "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?" Answer: In mirrors, the same way I've been seeing myself everyday so far"
-"If you were offered higher pay by our competing company would you take that job over this one?"
-A friend of mine was given a written hypothetical technical question, to answer and return the following day. He returned the correct answer, but did not get the job. Why? They weren't looking for new staff, just the answer to that problem - which their own staff of engineers couldn't solve!
-"So, you say your wife isn't going to have kids.... but you, what about you?"
-"Give me a rough estimate of the maximum dollar amount that you've stolen from each of your previous employers". "I didn't know I had to keep records!"
-"What would you do if you found one of your clients dead?" "I don't know. Did I kill him or did someone else...?"
-"Why do you want to work here?" "I need a job".
-Asked during college interviews in high school: "What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?" "Well, ideally I'd like to be a porn star, but I'll probably end up in some dead-end job much like yourself.
-"Uh, women aren't very good at math. So how did you manage to get an engineering degree?"
-"Do you have transportation?" "No, I was born and raised here in your office".
-"Tell us everything about yourself.." "Well I started out as the sperm who won the race.."
"Have you ever considered suicide?" Me: "Is this a trick question or does my hair really look that bad today?"
-Interviewer asked my friend what she thought of his (distinctly ugly) glasses. She paused and then said "They're ugly" Turns out he got the glasses because they *were* ugly. He wanted 'to hire an honest person'... and he did, too!
-Him: "Are you a Satanist?" Me: "No, I'm Jewish. It's a star of David"
-"So I suppose you'll be expecting a couple of days off every month for that female thing..."
-"What lipsticks do you carry in your purse?" The job was for a typist; I type 100+ wpm...
-"You ONLY have 2 years of experience on the product?" "It's only been out 2.5 years!"
-"So, if you're married, why are you looking for work?"
-"Seeing we've offered the job to someone else already, do you have any good ideas for our company?"
-"If you're working on a project, and it's your wedding anniversary, your wife has made big plans, and your project has a problem, what would you do?"
-"Do you plan to get paid for this work?"
-"When does life begin?" They want answers like conception or birth. I tell them "When the kids grow up and leave the damn house!"
-Interviewer - "I don't think you're going to get the job... but I might want to go out with you. Interested?"
-"Don't you feel that there are other things more important than a high salary?"
-Asked by a male engineer to a female engineer applicant: "Let's see your fingernails.." Yes, I can get dirty. And I got the job!
-I was once asked: "How many gas stations are there in the United States? Take me through your thinking" This was for an assistant position at an Internet gaming company that did absolutely no gas-related business at all.
-Prospective employee to the interviewer: "You don't have a problem with me leaving every day to get my injections, do you? If I miss them, I get violent".
-"You understand that this interview is for a permanent position?" "Yes, I plan on living forever"
-"Have you ever in the past, or are you ever planning in the future, to systematically gun-down everybody in your workplace?"
-"You don't have a problem with middle-aged men grabbing you from behind and complimenting your ass, do you? Because the last thing we need around here is another lawsuit".
-Asked how long I'd been married and where my exotic look came from. I said "You can't ask me that in an interview" "Is this an interview? I thought we were having a conversation" Then he said "So there are rules about that?" He's a lawyer.
-"If you were a tree what kind of tree would you be?"
-"Before you start work with us, would you consider shaving off your moustache?"
-"How did a pretty little thing like you ever get through law school?"
-"Why do you want to work here?" I suppose they need to know I can lie convincingly under pressure...
-"You don't have an engineering degree, how can you have a brain?" For a non-engineering related job.
-"Are you using contraceptives, or are you planning to get pregnant soon?"
-"Why do you want to work here?" Me: "I can't get hired as a pool boy at the playboy mansion. This was number two".
-"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to explain all of these convictions"
-"The previous employee left because of high stress and low pay - are you OK with that?"
-"I finished my Bachelor's degree in 3 years by going in the summer". Interviewer: "You went to summer school? Why, are you stupid?"
-Asked of me in an interview for after graduation with a computer science BA, and being an adult NOT living with parents: "Our 401K plan... oh, you probably wouldn't understand it. Would you like us to talk to your parents?"
-"You do know your hair would be considered illegal here don't you, I mean you won't mind cutting it?"
-Repeatedly asked why I "quit" the army. Asked why they should hire me if I had a history of quitting from my last employer. I served for 8 years by the way. For whatever reason, he viewed electing not to stay in for 20 years as quitting.
-I see by your resume you have experience in Brand X and Brand Y software, how about Brand Z? Yes, but I deliberately leave things off my resume to save space.
-"What makes you stand out from everyone else interviewing from this job?" This for a shelf stacker job...


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A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganised to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments in new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.


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I got stuck in the snow on the way home the other night and had to sleep in the car. It was no fun, let me tell you - I was hungry, lonely and fucking freezing. I barely slept a wink. In the morning the snow had melted a bit and I was able to continue on my way.

Having had such a shit night, I decided to go round to my girlfriend's house. When I got there I parked outside, looked up and saw her at her bedroom window. She looked so happy to see me. Suddenly I was overcome with emotion because I was so pleased to see her too. We've been together for three years so far and had some wonderful times. I know it may sound soppy and over-the-top but, at that moment in time, there was no-one else on Earth that I wanted to be with. She was the one.

I got out of the car and made my way towards her front door. The front lawn was a blanket of untouched snow and, with my girlfriend still watching me, an idea crossed my mind. Giddy with emotion, I stepped onto the lawn, got down on one knee and began to carve a message in the snow, letter by letter...


I looked up and could see her starting to breathe heavily, trying to smile as her eyes welled up with tears...


That was 4 days ago, and she still isn't speaking to me.


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The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer".

One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building".

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer".

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper".

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)".

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up".

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building".

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'".

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel Prize for Physics.

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Want to contribute to Orsm? Just click here and do eeeet!!

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said "I see you are from Texas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen".

The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?" The old man yelled "He thinks he knows you!"


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Doctor Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his hometown and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference held in his hometown. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.

As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?" Doctor Drobkin replied "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away". "Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. "Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return".

The clerk consoled him "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too".

Doctor Drobkin replied "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment". "Was it a long time ago?" "Yes, many years". The clerk asked "Was it before or after the Drobkin Fart?"


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Two Aussies, Ferret and Knackers, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie! This genie, however was a little different.

He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out "Turn the entire ocean into beer... make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was that had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said "Nice going Dickhead! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"


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A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.

Finally, he bought himself a pair and his game improved 100%. Back in the clubroom they were talking over a few beers. "You're playing better since you got your glasses" one said.

"You're right, I look down and the ball's as big as a basketball, just can't miss it now" he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet, be back in a minute".

When he came back, all the front of his trousers were wet. "Gee, what happened to you?" his mates asked. "Don't know" he replied "got in there, pulled it out and it looked too big for mine, so I put it back!"


Alright let me get right to the points then...

-Check out the site archives. Doing yourself a huge disservice by not!
-Next update will be next Thursday because I know no other way.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will step REALLY HARD on your foot with the ingrown toe nail.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go check this out perhaps. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.02.05-21.05

Welcome to addition by subtraction.

It got to late this afternoon and I realised that at best the earliest this update could get finished, had a blog section been written, would be some time approaching laaate-evening. Hate to say it but it's just not in me today tonight. Have smashed shit hard this week trying, apparently in vain, to get the Reader Mail backlog sorted and into an update. What's daunting is that after all this effort I'm only about halfway through it so sorry guys but not only is it still a little while away, but its robbed you of my rundown of all what's been happening anda rivetting, thoughtworthy social commentary. Or not. Instead you get a bunch of jokes and whatever with a promise to be back to normal next week. Thankfully however the rest of this Orsm update is an absolute pearler. Could probably write a whole paragraph on why but that may defeat the purpose so I leave you with these wise words: CHECK IT...


An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it".
A tourist walked into the hotel in a small town in Greece. She put a $1,000 note at the front desk and went to her room. The hotel manager immediately took the $1,000 with him and ran to the butcher and paid his bill. The butcher took the money and paid the farmer for the meat he had bought on credit. The farmer took the money and paid his bill at the gas station where he had refuelled on credit. The manager of the gas station went to the local prostitutes and paid his $1,000 debt. Then the prostitutes went to the hotel and paid what they owed with the $1,000 note. The hotel manager took the $1,000. The tourist came back to reception. She did not like the room and got her $1,000 dollars back. No one earned as much as a penny, but the whole town was debt free and all the future looks the way with equanimity. And so ended the financial crisis...
I'm at the gym the other day and I hear this from an older man, not in the best physical condition, who asked the trainer "I want to impress that beautiful girl over there. Which machine should I use?" The trainer replied "Use the ATM machine".
Pope Francis recently finished his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A Woman's Rights Group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The day after, a Gay Rights Group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said "Sure". The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti".
A little Muslim kid, crying, cannot find his mother in the supermarket. The store attendant says "What does your mother look like?" The kid says "I have no fucking idea?"
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us". Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" The girl leaned over and said "Burrr-Gurrr-King"
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BIKE ... I PRAY FOR AN XBOX ... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD-PLAYER". His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf". To which the little brother replied "No, but Gramma is!"
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie" replied the mother. "I want one" said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that" she kept repeating. At last the mother said "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one". "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then" sighed the mother "You will have many".

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Holdouts Amazing Holdout Houses That Gave A Big FU To Greedy Developers - Capt Insano Randy Quaid Is The Most Insane Man On Earth - Arab LulzIn Saudi Arabia Driverless Cars Means Something Else Entirely - SwallowNever Meet Your Boyfriend's Parents' With A Mouth Full Of His Reproductive Fluid - My AnusIts Clear My Anus Became A Fighter After A Lifetime Of Harassment - Virtual PornWatch People Totally Freak Out As They Experience A Virtual Reality Adult Movie For The First Time - Tap Ur Ass How Will These Beautiful Ladies React To An Ass Prank? - ExoBabyHyundai Use A Baby In An Exoskeleton Suit To Promote Their Latest Technology - ZombokillThe World As We Know It Has Ended And The Zombies Now Rule The Earth - "Original"This Will Go Down As Classic eFukt. How The Hell Could Someone Not Only Fuck Her But Actually Get Hard To Do So Is Beyond Me. So Much WTF Here.

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The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3am she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realise what time it is!?" she said. He answered "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house". Immediately her attitude changed and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was "A round of drinks!"
Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year". Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked "Will I be acquitted?"
Suspecting her husband of infidelity the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well" he mused "I'd say, Wow! That is great, I did not even know that you knew her!"
The police knocked on my door this evening. "Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?" asked the officer. "Funny you should ask" I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8pm to make love". "That's true" my wife shouted over "but fuck knows where he was at five past!"


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A New Zealander, an Aussie and a South African were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled carton of beer. All of a sudden, Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the beer, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping".

The South African was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said "Please tie a pillow to my back". This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Kiwi was next up (he almost finished a stubbie), and after watching the scene, said "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Aussie was the last one up (he had finished off the carton), but before the Aussie could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said "You are from a most beautiful country, your Cricket team is the best in the world, your footballers are terrific and your women are very sexy. For this, you may have two wishes!".

"Thanks mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness" The Aussie replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes".

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks. "Please tie the New Zealander to my back".


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A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot". The old lady suggested "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much" he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens".


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A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web, nearly comatose.

A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition. Both men lay there, near death.

After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out "Jim......my". The other man weakly pointed to himself and said "Paddy".

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones "Scottish". The second man replied "Irish".

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again. Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out "Glasgow ". Paddy whispered back "Dublin".

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue. "Cancer" said Jim. "... Scorpio" replied Paddy.


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The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie" the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else" said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie" he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied "Edinburgh". "Really" she said. "I have family in Edinburgh..."

"I know". the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

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A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice "Skippy!" The woman thought "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!"

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivalled a fog horn blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"


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One day, while relieving himself in the employee restroom, Carl could not help but notice the unusually long penis on the black man in the adjoining urinal.

"How do you guys do that?" asked Carl. "I mean, get such long dicks?" "Well" replied the black man "when having sex, just push it in slow and pull it out quick. That exercises it".

After hearing this, Carl promised himself that he would try out this new dick-stretching technique on his wife.

That night, Carl made love to his wife and tried the new method. Shortly after they finished, Carl asked "Well dear, did you notice anything different about me?" "Yeah" said the wife. "You fuck like a black man!"


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Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerised as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn... aisle, altar, hymn... aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself "I'll alter him!"



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A patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release. When asked what he would do if released, he replied "I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every bloody window in the place".

Obviously release was denied.

Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question. His reply was the same. "I am going to make a sling shot and come back here and break every bloody window in the place".

Again, he was turned down.

Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released. The patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him. The patient said "You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions".

After considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.

When the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready. He said "I am going to get a job, find an apartment and settle down". "Good" they said, and then what?" He said "I want to meet a nice girl and start dating".

They agreed he was making real progress and asked "And then what"? "One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her bra off and lie her down on the bed".

"Yes?" they said excitedly. "Then I am going to gently remove her panties" he continued.

The board members were really getting excited now and asked "Then what are you going to do?" He said "I am going to take the elastic out of those panties, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every bloody window in this place!!"


I'm glad that's over. Whilst the slightly shortened update may not reflect it and may possibly be a cover for slacking off or perhaps finding something better to do, I worked my shtinker off this week. All that really means is there's some bigger and sicker updates on the way I promise.

-Check out the site archives. I bet you can't not.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Do you realise that takes us to mid-Feb? Already??
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do something really, really demeaning to you.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ummm. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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