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March 2021...
orsmupdate 2021.03.25-22.16

Welcome to you're not an avacado (not everybody love you).

The stupidest shit I have read today is from QAnon... except probably not because this sounds just too stupid even for them... then again, it is 2021 so not only is it probably definitely QAnon, it's probably also dead on.... but all us sheeple will never understand because *we're* the stupid ones. The gist was the giant carrier ship currently blocking the Suez Canal is Hillary Clinton's human trafficking operation unfolding right before the world's eyes; that because her Secret Service codename when she was First Lady, Evergreen, is the ships name and that the ships callsign, H3RC, is similar to her initials, HRC, its proof of everything. Everything I tell you!! EVERYTHING! Things devolved into 'deepstate and MSM' which was my cue to exit so I'll never know just how far the rabbit hole goes...

I'm hopeful that in the years months to come QAnon is going to stand up and admit they were just fucking with us all along and we totally fell for it. Then we'll all laugh and admit that we really did fall for it and everyone will go to the pub together.

Alright moving on. Not to sound all serious but this update was not without some challenges. By that I mean various parts of my week resembled a disaster. OTOH no one died, its almost the weekend and I should just STFU and get on with the update like a good little bitch. Right? Right. Check it...

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room. Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?"
Peter had planned on watching the football game with his friend Harry. Peter arrived a bit late and the game had already started. Harry asked him "What kept you?" Peter replied "I could not make up my mind between going to Church and going to the football game. So, I tossed a coin". "So what took you so long?" asked Harry. Peter answered "I had to toss it 40 times".
A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad. The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!" The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped. The shopkeeper was led out next, as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" and escaped. The teacher was then led out, the squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"
A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside. "There's no room" they said. "It's full up!" "But you must let me on!" shouted the man. "Why, what's so special about you?" they asked. I'm the driver" replied the man.
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied "I'd like to have some birth control pills". Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old what possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded "They help me sleep better". The doctor thought some more and continued "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night".
The teacher asks Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes" he says. "My Daddy taught me". "Can you tell me what comes after three?" "Four" "What comes after six?" "Seven" "Very good" says the teacher. "Your dad did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack" answers Johnny...

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Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand these days. I wasn't surprised when one of my daughter's friends showed me a delicate little Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents" she begged. "I won't" I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?" "Honesty" she said.
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out "Are you hurt?" "No, I'm fine" I said, touched by her concern. "Oh, good" she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
Negotiations between Union members and their employer were at an impasse. The Union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the Company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper "This man" he announced "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a Union negotiator. "Wow" he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"


A conductor is getting an orchestra together for a performance but having trouble finding a clarinet player.

Finally, he calls a contractor who tells him "Well, the only guy I've got available at this moment is this jazz clarinettist". The conductor replies "I can't stand working with jazz musicians! They dress lousy, they're always late, and they all have an attitude problem". "Well" replies the contractor "that's all I've got". "All right" says the conductor "I'm getting pretty desperate, so I guess I'll have to take him".

The first rehearsal is a week later. The conductor arrives early and notices the new clarinettist, wearing a suit and tie, with a pencil on his stand, sitting on stage practicing his part.

During the rehearsal, the clarinettist plays his part quite well, and is responsive to all the conductor's requests. At the second rehearsal, a week later, the same thing happens. This time, the clarinettist turns in a nearly perfect performance.

One week later, at the final dress rehearsal, this occurs again, with the clarinettist now playing his part flawlessly.

At the break in the rehearsal, the conductor says to the orchestra "I've got an apology to make. I was really dreading having to work with a jazz musician, but I must say that our clarinet player has certainly proved me wrong. He is always neatly dressed, he was always here early for the rehearsals, working on the part, and he has really learned the music".

Then, to the clarinet player he says "I just wanted to tell you that I truly appreciate your effort and dedication". To which the clarinettist replies "Hey man, it's the least I can do, considering I can't make it to the show".



Previously on Orsm: SNEAKERS #1 - MORE >>


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An economist had finished his day at work and was leaving for home, when he noticed a small boy call out to him from the footpath where he was sitting with a dog.

The boy said "Sir, would you like to buy a dog?"

The economist was surprised by the approach, but asked nevertheless "How much are you selling the dog for?"

The boy replied "Twenty thousand dollars".

"Twenty thousand dollars for this dog!" the economist exclaimed. "Does he know any special tricks to make him worth so much money?" The boy replied "Sir, this dog never made a dime in his life. If you take into consideration the expenses on his food, I think you will lose money on him every year".

The economist did not want to let go the opportunity to lecture the boy about the principles of economics and explained to him the fact that a commodity needed to yield more returns than it consumed to equal a purchase price.

He finished by saying that the five dollars could be the maximum sum that should be expected for the dog, that too from somebody who just wanted a companion. Feeling satisfied with the knowledge that he had imparted to the young boy, the economist went away.

A few days later, the economist again noticed the small boy was again sitting on the footpath but this time there was no dog in sight. He asked the boy "Did you get the five dollars for your dog?" The boy said "No, I got twenty thousand dollars for him".

The business man was stunned.

"How on earth did you get twenty thousand dollars for that dog?" he asked. "It was a piece of cake" replied the boy. "I traded him for two ten-thousand-dollar cats".



Previously on Orsm: PARK LIFE #3 - PARK LIFE #2 - PARK LIFE #1 - MORE >>

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.



A man was driving down the road when his car broke down in the middle of nowhere.

Being the time before cell phones, he walked until he came across a little pink house, with a little pink fence and little pink flowers. He stepped up onto the little pink porch and knocked on the little pink door. An old woman answered wearing a little pink dress with little pink slippers.

"Can I help you?" she asked. "May I use your phone? My car broke down and I need to call a tow truck". "Of course, come in"...

She led him down the little pink hall to a little pink room with little pink carpets and a little pink chair. She pointed to the little pink phone on the table with the little pink doily.

The man called a tow truck and was told the soonest they could come out was the next morning. He told this to the old lady in the little pink dress.

"I have a guest room; you are welcome to stay the night".

She led him up the little pink stairs to a little pink room with little pink curtains and a little pink blanket on the little pink bed. In the closet was an extra set of little pink pyjamas.

The next morning, he came down the little pink stairs and found his way to a little pink kitchen with little pink appliances and a table with a little pink table cloth. Two places were set for breakfast with two little pink bowls and milk in a little pink canister.

The old lady asked "Would you like Frosted Flakes or Wheaties?" The man chose the Frosted Flakes, and when the tow truck got there he left.

Later that same day a man was driving down the same country road when his car broke down. Like the man before him, he walked until he came across a little pink house with a little pink fences and little pink flowers. He walked up the path lined with little pink roses stepped up onto the little pink porch and knocked on the little pink door with the little pink wreath. The old woman answered wearing a little pink dress with little pink slippers and just a little touch of pink lip stick. He explained that his car had broken down and asked could he use the phone please.

"Of course, come in".

She led him down the little pink hall with the little pink frames on the little pink walls with pictures of other little pink houses, to a little pink room with a little pink carpet and a little pink chair, and pointed to the little pink phone on the little pink table with the little pink doily.

The man called the tow truck and was told the soonest he could get out there was the next morning. The man told this to the little old lady in the little pink dress.

"I have a guest room, you are welcome to stay the night".

She led him up the little pink stairs down a little pink hallway to a little pink room with little pink curtains and a little pink bed with a little pink blanket In the closet was a set of little pink pyjamas.

The next morning the man came down the little pink stairs down the little pink hallway to a little pink kitchen with little pink cabinets and little pink sink, and little pink appliances. On the little pink table with the little pink table cloth two places were set with two little pink bowls on two little pink place mats.

Milk was set out in a little pink canister and the old lady asked "Would you like Frosted Flakes or Wheaties?" "Frosted Flakes, please" the man said.

He ate his breakfast and when the tow truck arrived, he left.

Later that same day a third man was driving down the old country road when his car broke down. Like the two men before him he walked until he came across a little pink house with a little pink fence and little pink flowers. He walked up the path lined with little pink roses and a little pink birdbath. He stepped up onto the little pink porch with the little pink rocking chair and knocked on the little pink door with the little pink wreath. The old woman answered wearing a little pink dress with little pink slippers and a little touch of pink lip stick and a little pink blush.

"May I help you?" she asked. The man explained that his car had broken down and he need to use the phone.

"Of course, come in".

She led him down the little pink hall with little pink frames of little pink houses and little pink vases with little pink flowers to a little pink room with a little pink carpet and a little pink chair. She pointed to a little pink table with a little pink phone on a little pink doily.

The man called the tow truck and was told the soonest they could be there was the next day. He explained this to the old lady in the little pink dress.

"I have a guest room; you are welcome to stay the night".

So, she led him back down the little pink hallway, up the little pink stairs to a little pink room with little pink curtains and a little pink bed with a little pink blanket and a little pink pillow. In the closet was an extra pair of little pink pyjamas, and next door to his room was a little pink bathroom with a little pink toilet, a little pink sink, a little pink bath tub with a little pink shower curtain and little pink guest towels. He washed his hands and went to bed.

The next morning, he came down the little pink stairs, through the little pink hallway and made his way to the little pink kitchen with the little pink sink and little pink stove and little pink refrigerator. On the little pink table with the little pink table cloth were two little pink place mats and two little pink bowls with two little pink cups and a little pink canister of milk.

"Would you like Frosted Flakes or Wheaties?" said the old lady in her little pink dress. "Wheaties, please".

The man ate breakfast and when the tow truck arrived he left.

Moral of the story: two out of three men prefer Frosted Flakes to Wheaties.



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One day, a very attractive under graduate girl visited the professor's office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee 'accidentally', etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest".

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied "Anything?" To which the undergraduate cooed "Yes, anything you say".

After some brief reflection, the professor asked "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" The student lied "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then".

The professor then advised "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that".



Previously on Orsm: #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - MORE >>

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus depot, started his bus, and drove off along the route.

No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.

He glared at the driver and said "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer.

He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said "Big John doesn't pay!" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied "Big John has a bus pass".

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood.

They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realised the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"



Previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

Martin was an English teacher in a language school.

After working at his current school for six months, he decided it was time to find a better job with a higher salary.

In his final week at the school, he told Carla, one of his favourite one-to-one students.

"I'm afraid that next term I won't be teaching in this school any more, Carla. I'm moving to another city". "I'm really sorry about that, Martin. I wish you weren't going" Carla replied. "Well, thank you, Carla! It's very kind of you to say so".

"The new teacher won't be as good as you are. I'm sure the lessons won't be as good as yours" said the student. "That's so nice of you!" said Mark, flattered.

"Yes" continued Carla "I've been coming to this school for five years now and every new teacher has been worse than the one before".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 03 25

Previously: 18th Mar. - 11th Mar. - 4th Mar. - 25th Feb - 18th Feb. - 11th Feb. - 4th Feb. - 28th Jan. - MORE >>

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The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

"The next time you're down in the field ploughing and feel a yearning for your wife don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go and make love with her" said the doctor.

"I tried that" said the farmer "But by the time I get to the house, I am so knackered, it's no use".

The doctor thought for a minute "Take your shotgun with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will come down there where you are".

A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

"How did it work out?" asked the doctor. "Fine, the first three days" said the farmer "But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since".


An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.

"I can't believe it" says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we've been together 15 years and today I found out she's been having an affair with a builder!"

"How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask. "I found a box of tools under the bed".

"Join the club". says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife's been having an affair with a milkman". "How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask. "I found a crate of milk under the bed".

"You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I've just found out the wife was having an affair with a fookin' horse!"

The other two look at him incredulously.

"How do you know it was a horse?" "I found a jockey hiding under the bed".




There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country.

The only house available was rumoured to be haunted. Since the preacher didn't believe in such things, he rented it.

It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn't believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he would take a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible, feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost.

When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied "Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak".


Well dudes that's Orsm all done for another Thursday.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Best of the best shit that has ever graced the internet + some crappy stuff too.
-Next update will be next Thursday... EXCEPT... there's a minute chance I'm going to bail on next week's update entirely given it is Easter and a few days off would go down exceptionally well right now. Will prob never happen but I can dream..
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise you'll make yourself look like a bit of a cunt.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and enjoy stay off my lawn. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2021.

Welcome calling for justice after your family member died doing something shitty/stupid/wrong/illegal.

Was smashing this update until I had to duck out for a family dinner thing earlier. One thing lead to another, a few wines and a greasy burg down the hatch and I'm battling to push through to the end. Thankfully all the hard stuff was done before I hit the wine so really all we're talking about is this bloggy section being kept to a bare minimum. The world probably won't end if I skip my spiel and usher in the new update without any further delay. Check it...

A golf pro is going over his morning instruction list and sees the usual: a lawyer, a CEO, etc... Looking down the list, he sees someone who listed prostitute. Finally, someone different! He meets her out on the putting green and introduces himself. "I would like to start your lessons by seeing you drive, let's head over to the range". He tees up a golf ball, she takes a swing, and it burns across the grass. He tees up another, she takes a swing and shanks directly to the right almost hitting him and going nowhere. "I think I see your problem. You're holding the club way too tight. Try holding it like you would hold a penis". He tees up another, she takes a swing and BAM! The best drive he has ever seen! "Amazing drive!!" he says "Next time, take the club out of your mouth".
Bob and a few of his co-workers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday. Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?" Susan pipes up "It's Bob's birthday!" "Oh well happy birthday! Make sure you save room because you'll get a free dessert!" Tim and Susan smile and nod, but Bob looks a bit confused. He asks her to repeat herself. "Sure thing, happy birthday! Save room and you'll get a free dessert". There's a moment of silence before Bob says "Vroom, vroom!"
So this dude dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Okay, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?" The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really mean bikies harassing a little old lady. So I went up to the leader, I spat in his face, I kicked over his bike and I insulted his girlfriend!" St Peter says "That's terrific! When did you do that?" "Oh, about 30 seconds ago".
What an achievement, I've trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine. He's a Bordeaux collie.
Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry" "Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?" he wondered. So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter. "How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry?" the backpacker asked. The elderly Chinese replied "My name, I am owner". "Really? How did you ever get a name like Sigurd Kristiansen?" "Many years ago when arrived at this country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front was big Norwegian. Lady asked him 'What's your name?' He said 'Sigurd Kristiansen' then lady asked me 'What's your name?' and I said 'Seim Ting'".
After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents. Wife: "Dear, I have something very serious to tell you". Husband: "What's up?" Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our child". Husband: "Well don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet nappy and you said "Honey, go and change the baby, I'll wait for you here".
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died". "Thank heavens" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
A visitor was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when he notices a blind man and his guide dog. The dog leads the man into the street, where he is brushed by an oncoming car. The man is knocked down, and he rather gingerly gets back up. He calls the guide dog over, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a canine treat, and gives it to the dog. The visitor, upon seeing all this, walks over to the blind man and says "That's amazing! Your guide dog led you into a busy street where you were nearly run over by a car, and yet you're giving the dog a treat. You must really love that dog". The blind man turned to me and said "No, I'm going to kick the little fucker's butt. I'm just using the dog biscuit to determine which end is which".
A rabbi is planning on retiring. Over the years he's saved up all the foreskins from all the circumcisions he's taken part in and he decides to take them to the local leatherworker. The rabbi explains that he'd like to have a retirement gift made out of the foreskins and the leatherworker agrees and tells the rabbi to come back in a couple weeks. A couple weeks later the rabbi comes back and the leatherworker hands him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?" the rabbi exclaims. The leatherworker replies "Don't fret, if you give it a good rub it becomes a suitcase".

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For some time, John had been saying to his wife Katy that they should introduce anal sex into their marriage to add a little spice to things. Katy kept saying she wasn't that keen on the idea and she wished he would drop the idea. Katy eventually relented and said she was willing to give it a try but if either of them didn't like it they wouldn't continue with it. She told John to go upstairs and get undressed and wait while she got herself ready. John waited upstairs on the bed, excited about this new aspect of their married life. He heard Katy coming up the stairs and watched as she came into the bedroom beautifully naked... apart from the strap on she was wearing.
When priest turns to rabbi and says "Say, I heard you guys can't eat pork. Is that true?" Rabbi nods: "Yes, it's banned in Torah". "And have you ever tried it?" asks the priest. "Yes" admits the rabbi. "When I was young, I wanted to see what's all about and had some pork chops. Priest smirks. "And you?" asks the rabbi. "I heard you guys can't have sex". "Yes" confirms the priest "Banned by the Pope". "But have you ever tried it?" is rabbi curious. "Yes. When I was studying, I had a girlfriend and we had sex". Now it's rabbi's turn to nod. Then he smiles and turns to the priest "Better than pork, isn't it?"
A politician visited a village in Haiti after a devastating hurricane. Upon arrival, he asked what their needs were. "We have 2 basic needs sir" replied the villager. "Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor". On hearing this, the politician whipped out his phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem. "Secondly sir, there is no phone coverage anywhere in the village".


Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely" his wife said. "It's worth a try" Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these".

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time".

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday" he said calmly.



Previously on Orsm: UNDER THE COVERS - MORE >>


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Kelly and Patrick went for a motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.

After a wee bit, Kelly who was sitting behind Patrick on the bike began to shout "Patrick... the wind is cutting me chest out!" "Well, Kelly my lad" said Patrick "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back, that'll block the wind for you".

So Kelly took Patrick's advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.

After a bit, Patrick turned to talk to Kelly and was horrified to see that he was not there. Patrick immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.

After a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Kelly who was sitting on the ground.

"Thanks be to heaven, is he alright?" Patrick hailed to the farmers. "Well" said one of the farmers "he was alright when we found him here, but since we turned his head back to front... he hasn't said a word since!




So this kid had a real bad habit of eavesdropping. Everyone knew him for eavesdropping, and he was really good at it too! One day, it just went too far...

He was walking to school one nice early morning, and he saw a young couple whispering. Well of course, he just had to eavesdrop. He really couldn't make out the words they were saying, but he did hear some. All he pretty much did hear was "Two nickels and a dime".

Well, he went on into his math class and wasn't really focused.

His teacher asked "Why aren't you participating today Billy? You always seem to be focused and alert". Billy just replied "Well I heard a couple talking, and they said 'Two nickels and a dime', and I don't know what that means".

The teacher was furious! She said "Go to the principal's office right now!"

Billy was just confused! He went into the office, and the principal was surprised to see him there.
Billy is an A+ student, never gets in trouble. The principal asks "Billy, why are you here?" Billy, of course, replied "Well... I really... don't know... all I said was 'Two nickels and a dime'"...

The principal says "Billy, leave. You are expelled. Go. Get out!"

Billy walks home crying his little eyes out.

His mother says "I got an email from your principal, why on EARTH are you expelled?!" "Mum please, help. I don't know why!! All I said was 'Two nickels and a dime!"

His mother says "Go to your room! Oh, you just WAIT until your father gets home!!"

Pounding on the door, Billy's father is screaming! "What did you do to make my wife cry?!?!"
"Dad! Please, out of all people, HELP! All I said was 'Two nickels and a dime'! What does it mean?!" His father yells "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! NOW!"

On the streets, night comes. The police pull up "Son, you seem a bit young to be out here alone". "I got kicked out of the house". "Son, that's silly! Why?" "All... I... said... was... two nickels... and a dime".

The police instantly handcuff him, throw him jail for the night.

At the court the next day, the judge asks "Boy, with all honesty, what happened?" Billy, alone without an attorney, lawyer, or even parents, replies "Your Honour, I said 'Two nickels and a dime'. I do not even know what it means". "Yep, 20 years prison, Billy!"

Billy gets sent to the toughest juvenile detention facility in the world, in China, 20 years of hard living in the prison.

Upon his release he comes out and across the street it says on a market window: Two Nickels And A Dime.

"Finally!! After all these years, I will FINALLY find out why my life turned out this way!"

Sprinting across to the store, he gets hit by a bus.



Jeb from Texas is visiting Ireland.

Paddy is given the task of showing Jeb around and, upon learning that Jeb is a farmer, Paddy takes him out to the country to show him his farm.

Jeb spends most of the trip exclaiming about how small the roads are, how small Paddy's car is, how small Paddy's house is and how almost everything is bigger and better back in Texas.

After a few hours of this Paddy is getting a bit tired.

Finally, Jeb and Paddy are leaning over Paddy's fence watching his horse in the pasture.

Jeb pipes up "Ya know, Paddy, this field sure is small". "Is that so?" a resigned Paddy replies.

"Why sure!" says Jeb, eyeing Paddy's horse "If I were to ride my horse around my property back home, it'd take me two days!"

"I used to have a horse like that" Paddy fires back "had to shoot 'im".



Previously on Orsm: PHOTOBOOTH #1 - PHOTOBOOTH #2 - PHOTOBOOTH #1 - MORE >

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known" = "I didn't look up the original reference".

"A definite trend is evident" = "These data are practically meaningless".

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" = "An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published".

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" = "The other results didn't make any sense".

"Typical results are shown" = "This is the prettiest graph".

"These results will be in a subsequent report" = "I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded".

"In my experience" = "once".

"In case after case" = "twice".

"In a series of cases" = "thrice".

"It is believed that" = "I think".

"It is generally believed that" = "A couple of others think so, too".

"Correct within an order of magnitude" = "Wrong".

"According to statistical analysis" = "Rumour has it".

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings" = "A wild guess".

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" = "Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop".

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" = "I don't understand it".

"After additional study by my colleagues" = "They don't understand it either".

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" = "Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant".

"A highly significant area for exploratory study" = "A totally useless topic selected by my committee".

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" = "I quit".



Previousl: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A young woman was preparing for her wedding.

She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Mum forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding, the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!" Then her groom cried out "I told you not to peek!"

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A lady approaches her priest.

She tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?''"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship". "Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"



SHOWER TIME previously: #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - MORE >>

An old man and an old woman for years and years they have spent every night together.

All they ever do is sit on the couch stark naked and watch TV while she holds his willy. Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his willy.

One night he doesn't show up.

Then a second night goes by - no show.

She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh... I've been down at what's her name's". "What are you doing there?" "Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my willy".

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?" "Parkinson's".


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A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight".

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says "Gimme another one!"

The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought "Wow, this has never happened before". You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true".

He continued "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door".

"The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me".

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point".

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down!'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there'. Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say 'What's that over there by the window?' I think 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now'".

But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure". "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass".

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset".

"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though".

The bartender then asks in exasperation "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"

"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down - I was only about six inches off the ground!"


A young man was in the big city looking for a little something from the ladies.

A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there. When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed" said the man. "Okay, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an initiation fee" answered the voice.

The man slid a twenty in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes passed.

Nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey" exclaimed the man "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice "Again?"




A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy) 'I have an idea... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself'.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed.


Well fags fuckers farmers folicles folks, I hate to say it but that is Orsm update for this week all D-O-N-E-DONE. Done-diddly. Finito. It's been an honour bringing it to you no matter what you may think of me personally..

-Follow me on Facebook. Some of the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. All the titties and stuff, not so much.
-Check out the archives. There are few things which'd give you more joy.
-Next update will be next Thursday. And then the week after that will be a short week because Easter all-fucking-ready!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise you'll feel totally crap about yourself.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go the fuck to sleep. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2021.03.11-21.02

Welcome to if you plan to shoplift let us know.

Listen, anyone who thinks Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, lied her way through that Oprah interview clearly never watched Suits. Whenever Meghan came on you knew she was going to ruin the scene. And never did she disappoint. That's how bad she was and its because of this we know she was telling the truth. What I'm trying to say is if she were acting, we would fucking know it.

Seriously though some of it just doesn't stack up. For example, can anyone REALLY be surprised that probably the most visible family in the world thought it was a good idea to have an internal conversation about a baby's skin colour? MAYBE it wasn't racist or sinister in intent. MAYBE that's the exact conversation you would have if you wanted to shield a baby and your family from the horrid shit which would definitely be said and printed the moment a black, royal bub popped out. ALSO, if someone was harassing the fuck out of you for cutting off their very expensive protection after doing something you told them would have their very expensive protection cut-off, then its understandable you would stop taking their calls.

It doesn't matter anyway. Ultimately, this is all going to end badly. I don't mean murdered in a Paris tunnel badly but it seems very obvious Harry and Megs won't go the distance.

Speaking of going the distance. 21.5 years of Orsm, we must be getting close to 1000 updates. Here's another one that will, for so many reasons, absolutely make your day. Check it...

An elderly, but hardy cattleman once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
High School Principal calls a father in to school one morning. The dad doesn't have any clue why. Getting there, he starts interrogating with the receptionist about why he was called in. Dad: " I don't know why the principal called me here. do you have any idea what this is all about?" Receptionist: "Hmmm, seems that this meeting is about bullying". Dad: "Bullying? That must be a mistake, my daughter never said anything about it". Receptionist: "And who is your daughter?" The dad points out to his kid in the playground "There. That fatso over there who looks like a watermelon".
I saw this guy weeping openly in the middle of his backyard. His small push-mower, proved inadequate to cut through the jungle of tall grass and weeds. Someone told me he was going through a rough patch.
A long-suffering husband and wife on the bus. Man: "It's not worth arguing and that's final, if I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong".
In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him. To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
Two restaurant owners. Two old restaurateurs run into each other in the lobby of an office building. "How's it going?" asks one. "Oof!" says the other. "Business was down from COVID, the rent was due, and to top it off there was a fire in the kitchen that burned the whole place down. I'm just here to talk to my insurance agent". "Wow" says the first "By coincidence I'm here to talk to my agent. Last week a flood hit the restaurant and ruined everything". "So tell me" he whispers "How do you start a flood?"
I was shagging the woman from next door over the kitchen table, when we heard the front door opening. That's my husband she said "Quick try the back door". I knew I should have left before her husband caught me, but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that!
A pastor who loves to golf has three golfing buddies who don't go to church constantly telling him how good the golf is on Sunday mornings. "The course is almost deserted" they tell him "and, the weather is always nice". Finally, the pastor gives in and on Saturday evening calls the Associate Pastor and in a hoarse voice says "I'm really sick, can you preach tomorrow?" The Associate says "Certainly Pastor, take it easy and get well". The next morning the Pastor is on the links with his friends, bright and early. He steps up to the first tee, a par 4 450-yard straight fairway. He hits the ball with a monster shot, which then hits a cart path taking a monster bounce, then hits an irrigation pipe bouncing once again right up onto the green and into the hole. Meanwhile, in heaven, Saint Peter looks at God and says "I don't understand". To which God grins slightly and asks "Who is he going to tell?"
I was working out for the first time at the gym earlier when this stunning young blonde walked in. I asked the trainer standing next to me "What machine should I use to impress that chick over there?" The trainer looked me over and said "I'd recommend the ATM in the foyer.

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One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says "Could you taste this for me, please?" The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all" says the pharmacist. "Oh that's a relief" says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar".
I ate a Kid's Meal at McDonalds, yesterday. His mother was furious.
A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold. When he arrived there, he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" The bomber responded "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied "Who said they were women?"
Police are looking for a man who refuses to update his PDF reader. He's described as 32, single and has no fixed adobe.


Life magazine sends one if its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories of the locals.

On the first day, the reporter climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin.

"Good morning, sir. I'm a reporter from Life magazine. I'm here to gather life stories from the folks living in this area. I have a question for you. What was the greatest day in your life?"

The old man thinks for a while and then says "Well... I remember the day when my neighbour's sheep got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for the darn sheep and we brought along some food and moonshine. But by the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk that we just took turns humping it under the lemon tree! We had a grand time eating, drinking and fornicating!"

The reported is dumbfound by what he just heard.

"Umm... that's an interesting story sir, but I can't use that in the magazine. What is the second greatest day in your life?"

"Let's see. Well, I remember when my neighbour's daughter got lost in yonder mountains. So me and the boys went off looking for that darn girl and we brought along some food and moonshine. But by the time we found her we were so drunk that we just took turns humping her under the lemon tree! We had a great time eating, drinking, and fornicating!"

"Listen sir! My magazine won't allow that story to be printed! How about some sad stories? What is the saddest day in your life?"

"Well... I remember the day when I got lost in yonder mountains..."



Previously on Orsm: GIRLS AND CATS #2 - GIRLS AND CATS #1 - MORE >>


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In a village in the mountains, a little old man with a beard and a young girl set up a stall in the market place one day, selling bottles of homemade medicine, labelled 'The Elixir Of Life'.

"Come on, everyone!" the old man called out. "Don't miss your chance to beat ageing. This is your opportunity to buy Archie's miracle medicine. It's the only medicine that cures old age. You only have to look at me to see the proof. I'm 205-years-old!"

A crowd quickly gathered around the market stall, and the old man and the girl were kept busy handing out the bottle of medicine and taking the money.

There were two younger men in the crowd, and one of them said to the other "You don't really think he's genuine, do you?" "I don't know. He might be telling the truth. He's got an honest face".

"You've got to be kidding! said the man. "He must be lying. It has to be a trick". "Well, why not ask his assistant, then, if you don't believe it?" suggested his friend.

So the man approached the girl and asked. "He can't really be that old, can he? That's completely ridiculous. Tell me the truth, is he really 205-years-old?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I can't really say". the girl replied "I've only been working for him for the past 75-years".



UNSHAVEN GIRLS previously: #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A man, down on his luck, comes across a lamp while walking on the beach.

He gives the lamp a hard rub and out comes a genie. Genie says "Master, I will fulfill any three wishes you have with one condition. Whatever you wish for, the man you hate the most will get double".

"What the hell? Have you any idea what John did to me? He stole my job, slept with my wife, and ran over my dog!!" complained the man. Genie replies "Sorry, I don't make the rules. Do you want the wishes or not?"

"Fine" said the man "My first wish is to have ten billion dollars in my bank account". "Done!" The man immediately receives a call from his bank informing him of his new wealth.

Somewhere in the world, John is overjoyed to see twenty billion dollars land in his bank account.

"My second wish is to have a 12-inch penis". "Done!" The man looks down and sees his member has now almost doubled in size. Somewhere in the world, John is a little bothered by the fact that his penis now goes down below his knees.

"What is your last wish?" the genie asks. The man replies "Remove one of my kidneys and show it to me".



A dog walks into a greengrocer carrying a basket and a list in his mouth.

He gives the list to the shop assistant and the basket is soon full of apples, oranges, a melon and plums.

"That'll be $10" says the assistant and the dog passes over a purse. He counts out the right money, hands back the purse and the dog leaves the shop.

Over the next few weeks the dog appears regularly in the shop and the assistant becomes more and more curious about where he comes from. Eventually he decides that when the dog next comes in, he'll follow the animal home.

The following Thursday afternoon the dog appears and the assistant follows him home. It's at least a mile to walk and throughout the journey the dog shows remarkable skills in crossing the many busy roads.

At last, he walks up the garden path of a squalid looking house and knocks on the door. A moment later it's opened by a fat, scruffy looking man who kicks the dog back down the path.

Outraged at such behaviour, the assistant rushes up shouting "How dare you treat this amazing dog in such a callous way?" "Bugger off!" replies the man "The dog's got to learn. It's the third time this month that he's forgotten his keys!"



Previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

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Last Thursday night, an elderly woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

The following Monday morning, the old lady was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions.

The woman replied "Your Honor, I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home. I had just cashed my social security check at the bank earlier in the day. I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol that my late husband gave me for protection, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder.

All of a sudden, I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol.

The next thing I remember is saying out loud "No way punk! You're not stealing my money". "I raised my right shaking hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!"

When asked by the arraignment judge "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?" The woman replied, under oath "Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click".

The woman was acquitted of all charges.

Don't mess with old folks!



HAND BRAS previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it.

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

"I suppose you play golf" says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club".

"That's kind of you, but no, thanks" the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it".

Just then a young man enters the office.

"Let me introduce my son, Mike" says the plant manager. "Let me guess" the salesman replies. "An only child?"

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An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week".

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"

Again, the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"

The engineer says "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"



GIRLS IN GLASSES previously: #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and say. "This is phenomenal! You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".

"Hang on" the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking!"...

"Really" says the interviewer? "Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms - red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well" said the interviewer "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country".

"Womanising? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that" he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


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Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment" Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three". "Test of Three?" "That's correct" Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No" the man replied "actually I just heard about it".

"All right" said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So" Socrates continued "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well" concluded Socrates "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.


Two simple lads were working in the sawmill when Jack accidentally cut his arm off.

As quick as lightening his mate, Pete, put it in a plastic bag and rushed them both to hospital.

After four hours the brilliant surgeon had sewn the arm back on and within 3 months Jack was as good as new.

That winter Jack was so cold, his concentration slipped and he cut off his right leg. Quick as a flash Pete wrapped up the leg in a plastic bag and rushed them to hospital. Although the operation was more difficult, the surgeon, once again, miraculously attached the leg back to Jack's body and after 6 months he had fully recovered.

The months went by until one day Jack fell asleep at work and cut his head off. Ready for every emergency, Pete got the head in a plastic bag and rushed them to hospital.

"This is a very difficult operation" said the surgeon "it's touch and go". He told Pete to come back the following morning to see how things were progressing.

The next day Pete arrived at the hospital and met a very serious looking surgeon. "I'm sorry, your friend didn't make it". Grief stricken, Pete replied "I know you did all you could doc, but you did warn me it might not work." "Oh it wasn't the operation" said the surgeon "that was successful, but Jack had suffocated in the plastic bag".




I recently picked a new GP.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age (I've just reached 73). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him "Do you think I'll live to be 85?"

He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued ribs?" "I said "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't" I said.

He asked "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?" "No" I said ...

He looked at me and said "Then, why the fuck do you want to live to 85?"


Well guys, I don't know how to break this to you but that/this is the end of the update. I'm pretty proud it's up at a somewhat reasonable time and look forward to repeating that feat at least one more time before I die.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there. I'll get my shit together and make sure that'e the case this week.
-Check out the archives. Why the fuck wouldn't you????????????
-Next update will be next Thursday. No reason. That's just when it always is. Put it in your brain.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll put tiger balm on your taint.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems, that's all. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2021.03.04-22.30

Welcome to Thursday vu all over again.

I kicked off last week's update with some words about how it'd had been a shit fight lately getting updates to come together in a timely manner. It's exhausting and stressful. Keen Eager Desperate to break the cycle, I devoted as many hours as possible over the long weekend towards this update. And by "as many hours as possible" I mean what was left after the SO went down with an injury leaving me to parent solo. Urgh. Unfortunately, those extra hours didn't help all that much and the shit fight has continued. Urgh! I'm pretty sure if I keep plugging along I'll eventually get on top of it and reclaim my life. Last time I went through this was mid last year. Think I was pretty invested in the lockdown life and trying to get too much done. Eventually caught up, normalised then fucked it all up again. Some people never learn...

Speaking of never learning - have I ever told you guys todays update is the greatest ever? Well... check it...

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do". "Does it hurt you?" he asked. "No. I rather like it". "Well, then" the doctor continued "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant". The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course" the doctor replied "Where do you think politicians come from?"
A guy goes to the Optician complaining of blurred vision. Looking into his eyes with a scope, the optician began to tut-tut and groan. "What is it?" asked the guy anxiously. "The worst case of Christian Brothers Syndrome I have ever seen!". "Christian Brothers Syndrome? What's that?" "Your pupils are fucked!"
A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you". Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him. Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car. The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?" "I am your guardian angel!" answers the voice joyfully. "REALLY?" says the man in sudden anger "Then where the fuck were you when I got MARRIED??"
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles". "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied "Well, I'm the fish friar". She turns the other brother and says "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk".
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" "Yeah. But today is the last day!"
Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other. At about midnight, John was awakened by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand. "Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I think I'm going over to see my wife" Bob exclaimed. "Would you like me to come with you" John asked. "Why the hell would I want you to come" Bob asked. "Because that's my dick you're are holding..."
A child asked his father "How were people born?" So his father said "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on". The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now". The child ran back to his father and said "You lied to me!" His father replied "No... your mum was talking about her side of the family..."
A black guy dies and goes to Heaven. At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter. St Peter says "Heaven is very full at the moment and we are restricting entry only to people who have done something amazing with their lives. Have you ever done anything amazing in your life?" The black guy replies "In fact I have. I fucked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Ku Klux Klan". "No way!" says St Peter "That is truly amazing! When did that happen?" "Oh, about three minutes ago".
The lawyer said to the wealthy art collector tycoon; "I have some good news and I have some bad news". The tycoon replied "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first". The lawyer said "Well, your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2-3 million". The tycoon replied enthusiastically "Well done! My wife is so astute! You've just made my day. Now what's the bad news?" The lawyer answered "The pictures are of you with your secretary".

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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it". The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is" she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop..."
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman hit the pub. They each order a pint of beer. Three flies come along and all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and keeps drinking his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, squeezes it reeeealy tight and screams "Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it out!"
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder... "Waddington-Smythe, England" he says "Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland" he says "Fencing".


At his wife's insistence, Luigi goes along with his wife to marriage counseling.

The wife goes in first.

"And what seems to be the issue?" asks the counselor. "Luigi is a good man; a fine man" says the wife. However, there are three things I wish he would change:

First, he is a workaholic. Work, work, work. He works too much; it's affecting us at home.

Second, and this is a little disgusting, he's always picking his nose. It's embarrassing.

Third, and this very personal, when we have sex, he never lets me be on top".

"Okay" says the counselor. He sends the wife out, and calls Luigi in.

"How is your marriage?" asks the counselor. "It'sa good". says Luigi.

"No complaints?" asks the counselor. "No complaints". says Luigi.

"Your wife had a few things she would like me to talk about" says the counselor. "Okay?" "Sure". says Luigi.

"First, she says you are a workaholic. You are working all the time, and it affects the relationship.

Second, she says you pick your nose in public, and this is embarrassing for her.

"Third, how shall I say this, you don't let her on top when you have sex".

"Lemme tella you something" says Luigi. "When I come to this country, my father tells me three things. Three things, he tells me, if I want to make it in Australia:

First, he says to worka hard. So I worka hard.

Second, he tells me to keepa my nose clean. So I keepa my nose clean.

And the third thing he tella me is... don't fuck up!"



Previously: GIRLS & DOGS #5 - GIRLS & DOGS #4 - GIRLS & DOGS #3 - GIRLS & DOGS #2 - MORE >>


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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice. He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he spoke like this. Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity.

Now, he was in his thirties, and he really wondered why this was, and if something could be done about it. So he went to the doctor...

"Hi doc, so my voice is really high, has always been, and I just wanted to find out if I can make it deeper somehow?" "Sure, but I will have to examine you before" the doctor replied.

So the doctor took his blood pressure, felt his lungs, but couldn't find anything.

"Hmm" the doctor pondered and looked at him "I think we are going to have to undress you".

So the man took off his clothes down to his boxers.

"I'm sorry, but the boxers need to come off too".

The man removed his boxers, and revealed this foot-long, cobra-looking schlong hanging between his legs.

"Aha!" the doctor exclaimed, gesticulating towards the man's unit "I know why your voice is so high! See, your penis is so big that it pulls down on your vocal cords, effectively tensing them up and giving your voice that high-pitch. Your voice didn't change during puberty because your dick dropped down at the same time!"

The man was shocked.

"Wow, I never realised that there was a link between the two. Well, is there something we can do about it?"

The doctor thought for a while.

"Well, there is one highly experimental procedure" his voice was tense and serious "in which we would cut the middle part of your penis off and sew the end parts together" the doctor said, illustrating the procedure with his hands "this way, you would get a lower voice and keep a smaller, yet functioning penis". "Geez, I'll have to really think about this" the man replied "I definitely need to talk to my wife about it first".

So the man thanked the doctor, went home to his wife and discussed it with her. He then returned, a week or so later, and said he was ready for the procedure, so the doctor put him to sleep and proceeded with cutting off and sewing together the man's penis. When the man woke up, he had a dark, booming, manly voice.

"Wow, doc. Thank you so much for this, I've never felt so manly in my entire life!"

The man went home with his new voice, happy, energized and masculine. But some two weeks later, he returns to the doctor to talk to him.

"Hey, doc. Listen, I've thought about it, and the voice doesn't make up for the fact that I now have a small penis. I don't feel as manly as I did before, so I'd like to revert the procedure. Do you still have the piece that you cut off?"

The doctor looked at him and, in a high-pitched voice, replied "Sorry, I threw it away right after".



Previously: #23 - #22 - #21 - #20 - #19 - #18 - #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - MORE >>

Farmer goes to a brothel after a drought and asks for a lady.

Madame calls over a beauty. "Deedee here's absolutely lovely, and she can take care of you for only $300". The Farmer shakes his head "Sorry lady, I can't afford that... anyone else?"

Deedee huffs and walks off. The Madam snaps her finger and a hefty woman saunters up. "Gertrude make your toes curl... only 100".

The farmer, dejected, sighs, turns around and heads out the door.

"Wait! How much do you have?" asks the Madam. "Only $50" responds the farmer, downcast. "Well, if you don't mind her looks, Sandy up in the attic... she can do you".

The farmer brightens up, pays and heads to the attic where in the candlelit room he finds a very unsightly woman. "What the heck, it's dark" he thinks and gets in bed with her.

After a few moments, he pulls out in frustration. "Jeez lady, I see why they call you Sandy! It feels like sandpaper inside!!!"

"Oh, hold on a second" she says, and goes to the bathroom. Returning in a few minutes, she lays back and the farmer mounts up. This time she's very warm and very wet. The farmer, now in heaven, exclaims "My God, it's as smooth as silk!!! What'd you do?" "Not much sweetie. Just picked off all the scabs".


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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore" she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 10 kilometres you drive over the 100-kilometre speed limit, I'll remove one piece of clothing".

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 110 mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 120 off came the pants.

At 130 it was her bra and at 140 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment, and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help" he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up" he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied "Ma'am if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"



GIRLS SLEEPING previously: #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA: MyFreeCams.com is a website providing live webcam performances by models, typically featuring nudity and sexual activity often ranging from striptease and dirty talk to masturbation with sex toys.

If it's on Wiki then it is FACT! ... Soooo WTF are you waiting for!? Click here!

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Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.

One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. He exclaims "I'm feeling lucky! I'll take anyone's bet".

The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks". "You've got a deal mister".

He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50.

"Hundred bucks says you can't do it again".

And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He immediately falls thirteen stories to his death.

The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.

The bartender says to him "Superman, you're a real prick when you're drunk!"



Previously on Orsm: #17 - #16 - #15 - #14 - #13 - #12 - #11 - #10 - #9 - #8 - #7 - #6 - #5 - #4 - #3 - #2 - #1 - MORE >>

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the boys as they banged their way down the street.

Stopping them, he said "You kids are a lot of fun. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing".

The boys were more than happy and continued to bang the bins.

After a few days, the old man greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income" he told them. "I'm going to have to cut it down to 50 cents a day to keep banging the bins". The kids were obviously unimpressed but they accepted the reduction in payment and continued their afternoon activities.

A few days later, the man approached them again. "Look" he said "I haven't received my payment yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "That's it?" the 'drum leader' exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these around for 25 cents each a day, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and asked: "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do. It is the Bible".

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible".

He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him".

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him" replied the lady.



Previously: SLIPS #8 - SLIPS #7 - SLIPS #6 - SLIPS #5 - SLIPS #3 - SLIPS #2 - SLIPS #1 - MORE >>

Charles ran a successful fur business in early 20th century New York.

He was always humane about the treatment of his animals before they were killed and made sure the rest of the animal didn't go to waste. However, rather than making a massive profit, he'd often donate warm fur clothes to poorer children.

He lived comfortably, but always tried to maintain his philanthropic endeavours.

Unfortunately, animal rights protestor started vandalising his property until one night they released all the foxes he needed to make clothes. He was ruined, as he didn't have enough capital to start over. Worse, the temperatures were dropping, at the cost of the downtrodden.

Frustrated, Charles tears off all his clothes. And runs down the street screaming obscenities about the people who ruined him into the late hours of the night. His friends tried to stop him. They implored him to think of his friends, family, and reputation and how this behaviour would affect him.

He responds "They ruined my business and I have no fox to give".


RANDOM SHITE 2021 03 04

Previously: 25th Feb - 18th Feb. - 11th Feb. - 4th Feb. - 28th Jan. - 21st Jan. - 7th Jan. - 24th Dec. IV - MORE >>

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A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower.

The man realises that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says "What?" The man repeats his gestures, mouthing "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE".

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the heck was that?" She replies "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"


I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered "No, this is my first time".

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute" she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

"Well, come on" she said "We don't have much time". So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and *KAPOWWWWWWWW* I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said "I sure did" and held up my thumb to show her.




An American guy, visiting China, sees a Chinese guy eating biscuits and jelly at a cafe and decides to have a little fun with him.

He pops a stick of gum into his mouth and sits next to the Chinese guy.

As he's chewing it, he casually says to the Chinese guy "Are those biscuits you're eating? Well in America, we eat our bread without the crust, compact the crust into biscuits and sell it to China". The Chinese guy decides to ignore him and continues to enjoy his meal.

After a while, the American guy, still chewing his gum, says again "Is that jelly you're eating? Well in America, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, compact the peel into jelly and sell it to China".

At this point the Chinese guy was starting to get fed up, so he asked the American "Do you have sex in America?"

The American guy replies "Of course".

The Chinese guy asks again "What do you do with the condoms after they're used?"

The American says "Well, we throw them away of course".

The Chinese guy looks at the American and says "Well in China, we compact the condoms into gum and sell it to America".
Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.

After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"

The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.

"And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning".

So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.

That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.

"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?" "Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same".


Well dudies that's another update -CAN YOU BELIEVE THE FIRST FOR MARCH ALREADY!!!????- done, dusted and wrapped.

-Follow me on Facebook. All the SFW stuff you see on Orsm flows there.
-Check out the archives. Why you wouldn't be doing this already simply defies belief !
-Next update will be next Thursday. That'll be the 11th for anyone counting along at home. Again, CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'LL BE STARING DOWN THE MIDDLE OF MARCH!!!???? Fuck me where has it gone????
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll make YOU do next weeks update and see how YOU like it.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and pass the choc. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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