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September 2012...
orsmupdate 2012.09.27-19.02
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I'll fuckin' stab ya, cunt!

Absolutely gigantic insanely massively huge last week around here so let's get busy crapping on about it. If you're not interested, and fuck knows why you wouldn't be, scroll down ever so slightly to where the fun starts....

You guys may have noticed last week's update went up way earlier than usual. I'd been warned in the lead up to be finished by lunchtime for a birthday surprise. Ah surprises... is there anything worse? I moved swiftly to highly annoying mode trying to unlock clues. This side of me no doubt bugs the fuck out of my nearest and dearest but is what it is. The only info I had was to pack for a night away and bring swimming clothes. Swimming? It's the middle of fucking winter. Soon deduced the only reason swimming anything would be needed is if we were going to some sort of day spa. Obviously I was on the right track because it was about then the red herrings to throw me off began to flow.

Anyway I was ready when I had to be, the GF got home, we grabbed out shit and jumped in the car for a 45 minute drive east to... a day spa eco retreat place. Nailed it. Pretty cool place in the middle of nowhere too. Started off with a massage thing, hung out by the fire that night and drank some wine. All very relaxing. Friday was my actual birthday and got the ball rolling with another massage that morning which, whilst incredibly enjoyable, was at times a little uncomfortable. Why? Massage lady touched my junk. I get that it can happen accidentally and that's fine. Second nudge - okay that happens too. Third and fourth times... well I think she just wants to touch me. I explained later that junk touching by a non-partner is only really okay if the toucher is hot, aged 18-20 with good tits. Sadly this woman ticked none of the boxes.

Made it home early afternoon to find a note under the door saying I had a package waiting at the post office. Excitement building that my iPhone 5 had finally arrived, I took off to collect. Just about swore at the woman when she handed me something I'd ordered months ago and forgotten about.

That night was surprise number two. See a pattern emerging here? Had pieced this one together earlier in the day because as the birthday phone calls rolled in literally every person had asked what I was doing to celebrate. Just seemed a little off - sensed a certain knowing in the question each time it was asked. Things began to unfold later... it was a mate's birthday several days before mine so the girls said they were taking us out for dinner. They roll by at 7 to pick us up and we head for the city, park, get out and start walking. I pretend not to notice various friends cars parked along the street and head inside a club, upstairs and SURPRISE!! Oh look it's all my friends and family! I almost can't believe it! Did have an excellent night though and that's despite the venue being just a little weird. It's a jazz club and there's strict rules about what you can do, namely no fucking talking allowed while the band is on. If you talk you get thrown out. The bar won't serve you during these times either. As you stroll in through the main room it's impossible not to notice the 100+ patrons with a very fixed focus on the band. Strangely reminiscent of that X Files [I think it was the X Files...?] episode about the Russian sleeper town in Middle America where everyone gathers in a barn each night to watch films about the American way of life. Nonetheless all this wasn't enough to deter me from getting a little bit drunk and, requiring food, later finished up at a nearby café containing a scarily large concentration of hipsters. I'd go as far as to say if the place were fire bombed it could potentially wipe out hipsterism in the Western Australia entirely.

Saturday was an anxious wait closely watching the delivery tracking waiting to get my new phone. Apparently we had to leave the house at 11 for the next surprise. Urgh. Just in the nick of time there's a knock at the door. Answer, smile, provide ID, sign the thingy, look up to see my best mate pulling in to the drive way, doors fly open, kids jump out and run over to tell me we're all going down south for the weekend. Best kept secret of the lot. Quickly pack a bag and get moving. A few hours later we roll into Dunsborough, get settled and not much else.

It was up to me to decide what Sunday's itinerary was and after wrangling the kids we hit the road. First stop an olive farm which I love. They make a killer chilli sauce and free samples of all their other products are scattered around the store. I indulge greedily. This later turns out to be a huge mistake. From there we hit a giant maze - don't remember ever doing a maze before but after having driven past it dozens of times over the years was good to finally give it a run through. Much harder than you'd expect - being an adult doesn't necessarily make it easier. Next stop was lunch at a brewery. Fucking stellar weather which made sitting outside and lapping up the sun practically mandatory. A couple of hours later we were back in the car and that's when things started going downhill. "Think I'm getting a sore stomach" I say. We stop at an ice creamery and eventually make it back to the house. Decided to lie down for a while, nap, assume the foetal position and begin to realise this isn't going to end well. The next problem was finding a chemist but of course there is nothing fucking open. Instead settle on sports drinks and return home. Over the next hour or two I found myself between toilet and bed, toilet and bed often making 'HHHHhhhhhhHhHhhuuuuhhHhh' noises. Had many questions during this time, most addressed to god and along the lines of "Why won't you kill me!? Please kill me!!". Lesson of the day was that free samples are never free.

Continued to feel obliterated throughout Monday which made the three hour drive home challenging but thankfully the involuntary bodily expulsions had ceased. Bit of a shame to end the weekend that way but still didn't come close to ruining what was the best birthday I've had in years.

Alright let's get this bad boy going before the Red Bull wears off. I'm close to ecstatic with just how well this week's update has come together but I'll let you guys judge for yourselves. Check it...

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Very Addictive - Hip Hop Hunnies - 1 Girl 1 Smoke - Fuuuck!! - Fags Busted - Nuts For Tits - Strange Porn - Typical iDiot

Prego Nun - So So Wrong - Semi Retarded - Bob Is Racist - Humping - Drug Fucked - Tiny Butthole - BJ Skills - O-Face

Oh The Regret - What A Bod! - Stimulating - Dr Love - Morning After - Big Cunt - Good Advice - Braces - Titty Abuse

I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber. "That's disgusting" I said "I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad!"
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
At the cinema a man noticed a hot woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was pleasuring herself furiously. He moved to the seat next to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started pleasuring her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great" she said" but these crabs are still itching!"
A Collingwood supporter passed away and left his entire Estate to his beloved widow... but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.



-The Statue of Liberty's index finger is eight feet long.
-Cleopatra married two of her brothers.
-American car horns beep in the tone of F.
-Men's shirts have the buttons on the right, while women shirts have the buttons on the left.
-Rain has never been recorded in some parts of the Atacama Desert in Chile.
-Chewing gum will help reduce tears when cutting an onion.
-The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
-On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building looks like an American flag.
-A 75 year old person will have slept about 23 years.
-The day after thanksgiving is the busiest day for plumbers in the U.S.
-Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
-Ants can't shut their eyes.
-Boeing 747's wing span is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. The Wright brother's invented the airplane.
-Coffee beans are not beans at all, rather fruit pits.
-Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
-Fortune cookies were invented in America in 1918, by Charles Jung.
-There are as many chickens on earth as there are humans.
-Scuba divers cannot pass gas at depth deeper than 33 feet.
-The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
-The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion then, to shave them off.
-One type of hummingbird weighs less than a penny.
-The average American consumes enough caffeine in one year to kill a horse.
-Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
-A giraffe can clean its ears with its 50cm (20 in) tongue.
-The word "set" has the most number of definitions in the English language.
-The pig is rated the fourth most intelligent animal but are mentioned only twice in Bible.
-Slugs have four noses.
-Sharks are immune to all known diseases.
-The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929. "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
-The majority of suicides occur on a Monday.
-Sharks can live up to 100 years.
-1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
-Mosquitos are more attracted to the colour blue than any other colour.
-Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
-Kangaroos can't walk backwards.
-A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight.
-The most children born to one woman was 69, she was a peasant who lived a 40 year life, in which she had 16 twins, 7 triplets, and 4 quadruplets - now that's a lot of babies!
-About 75 acres of pizza are eaten in in the U.S. everyday.
-The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinisation apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
-The largest recorded snowflake was 15 Inch wide and 8 Inch thick. It fell in Montana in 1887.
-In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
-The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.
-Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
-Former president Bill Clinton only sent 2 emails in his entire 8 year presidency.
-A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.
-Koalas and humans are the only animals that have finger prints.
-On average, people who use their right hand live 9 years longer than people who use their left.
-The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough. After falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed".
-There are 200,000,000 insects for every one human.
-The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
-It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery had in it to begin with.
-Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
-The world's largest Montessori school is in India, with 26,312 students in 2002.
-All porcupines float in water.
-Octopus have three hearts.
-Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
-If you ate too many carrots, you would turn orange.
-When possums are 'playing possum', they are not playing. They actually pass out from sheer terror.
-The average person spends two weeks waiting for a traffic light to change.
-The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
-A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known as a flink. A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called a pod. A group of ravens is called a murder. A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. A group of owls is called a parliament.
-1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116 or old.
-Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been over-mixing the soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. It floats in gasoline, too.
-The body has 2-3 million sweat glands.
-If you keep a goldfish in the dark, it will eventually turn white.
-Margaret Higgins Sanger, the birth-control pioneer, was one of eleven children.
-Sperm whales have the biggest brains - 20 lbs.
-There are more than 15,000 different varieties of rice.
-Tiger shark embryos fight each other in their mother's womb. The survivor is born.
-When a man died in ancient Egypt, the females in his family would smear their heads and faces with mud and wander through the city beating themselves and tearing off their clothes.
-Most cats are left pawed.
-Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
-250 people have fallen off the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
-Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
-A person cannot fold a piece of paper in half more than 8 times.
-A Blue whale's tongue weighs more than an elephant.
-There are just over 300 million cell phones used daily in the United States alone.
-You use 14 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.
-A shrimp's heart is in its head.
-Bamboo can grow up to 3 feet in 24 hours.
-Natural pearls will melt in vinegar.
-An eyeball weighs about 1 ounce.
-An olive tree can live up to 1500 years.

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Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a small boat. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says "What you gonna do with that? There's no water deep enough to float a boat within 160kms of here". He says "I won it and I'm gonna keep it!"

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his boat" pointing to the paddock behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the boat with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him "What are you doing?" His brother replies "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"

His brother yells "It's people like you that give people from Tasmania a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your arse!"


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A Newfoundland man is drinking in a Fort McMurray bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Newfoundland baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Newfoundlander just shrugs "That's about average folks... like I said - my boy's a typical Newfoundland baby boy!"

Two weeks later the Newfoundlander returns to the bar.

The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Newfoundland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers "Seventeen pounds ".

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born". The Newfoundland father takes a slow swig from his Molson's beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says "Had him circumcised!"

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A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Melbourne.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me".

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her coin in, out came a card that read "You are a nun, you weigh 70kg and you are going to Melbourne".

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her coin in and out came a card that read: "You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to play a violin".

The nun says to herself "I know that is wrong - I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life". She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his violin case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the man's case, took out the violin, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she'd just done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "This is incredible, I've got to try this again".

Back to the machine she went, put in another coin, and another card came out. It read "You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to break wind". Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself, "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life". But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again". She went back to the machine, put in another coin and another card came out it read: "You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Melbourne!"

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest, kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway, this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown, except for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady" he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies" she says "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that!" So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear "I can't pull any lady bears because they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off".

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown... except for his goolies, which remain purple. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things" she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that!" "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy" says the fairy godmother as she flew off, saying "Just follow the yellow-prick toad!"

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RM is big enough this week that it alone could have been the whole update. Regardless, it should keep you guys busy for a couple of minutes while I do something else.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: you are gonna love this one mate!
Hey Orsm, Check this bro.... remember the chick in the racing car that pops out of her top...??

Legendary tits. -Orsm

Glyn wrote:
Subject: Penis extensions
Hi Orsm, Just had one of those Penis extensions done,....... my house looks really silly now.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Page 2 of the company employee manual
You are here to work for the company. Non-business communication, laughing, smoking breaks, etc., reduce the amount of work an employee can do and will be deducted from your allowance and may be terms for your dismissal.
Illnesses are permitted only on your regularly scheduled days off.
Management strongly requests all employees arrive early, work through their lunch break, and leave late. Overtime is common, overtime pay is not in the budget. Do not ask for compensation time.
Do not ask senior managers how to do your job. Think for yourself. Make your best guess, don't guess wrong and management will second guess.
Employee's excuses will not be accepted. Bosses' automatic response of "You did not do everything possible to finish your assignment, complete the job, and/or anticipate problems and take steps to prevent difficulties" is final.
The company gave you a job. It is up to you to get to your work area on time. Reasons such as, but not limited to, blizzards and heavy thunderstorms are not valid.
Plan your trip to work so you will be on time. Heavy traffic, public transportation delays, accidents, and police action must be expected and allowed for.
The GM is the company and has the authority to open and read all mail and email sent to you at any company location. The only reason you are with this firm is to make the company money.
Additionally, the General Manager's nephew has been hired and will be looking at all non-management employee's work performance. His title is Deficiency Expert and will report to his uncle anything that is costing the company productivity.

This follows on from this. -Orsm

Tony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
IOS6 maps
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patrick wrote:
Subject: Emailing
this guy should be shopping at Walmart

Hungry bum is hungry. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: late submission
Dude, i know you've already done your friday update. But is there any chance of a late entry? Boys night tonight, watching the footy, few drinks, and my contribution is to get this pic of an Ex onto the world wide web.
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Lee wrote:
Subject: Perth photo
Hey Orsm - long time viewer lalala. Saw this on the drive home, and had to get a photo! Enjoy!
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John wrote:
Subject: reader mail
Something extra to add to the burned out signs section. i work for the chain in england, thankfully not this store.

Burned out signs gallery from a few weeks ago can be found here. -Orsm

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Dirk wrote:
Subject: Nice picture
Hello, This picture is made in the south of Tsjechie. Regards.

Looks peaceful... -Orsm

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Brian wrote:
Subject: Only in America!
You all know how we feel about people who text and drive........this one now takes the cake! What an idiot. Celia Rivenbark should get an award for writing this article....funny! Megan Mariah Barnes is Florida's 1st bikini-shaving-related traffic offender of the year!!! Forever, in fact!
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Shags wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Jeep Cherokee: Need Opinions
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Landscaping
Drive by these every day, makes me laugh. Please hide my details etc.
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Kel wrote:
Subject: It's Just A Par Three
Forget pitch and putt - this tee-off point on top of a 1,410 ft. mountain in South Africa is the hardest golf shot in the world, and more than $1 million awaits the player who can score a hole in one. Players must take a helicopter to the top to play the longest and highest par three on the planet. Taking the shot also requires courage. A player needs to teeter terrifyingly close to the edge of the mammoth hillside.

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Brad wrote:
Subject: IMG
So I turned up with $99.00 and said who do I give it to. It turns out I can never go back to this shop again. Cheers

I give them for free. Probably doesn't help you though. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
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Brian wrote:
I get the feeling he didn't miss her as much as he just wanted to boast ...
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Tom wrote:
Subject: Floating bike
I saw this on a DIY website called "Instructables"; this guy built an amphibious bike, and the picture he posted also seems to include a gratuitous shot of his missus' box. Cool or what?
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Duncan wrote:
Subject: A Sixth Olympic Ring in London--Beautiful Photos!
A full moon made for a beautiful sixth Olympic ring, when a Reuters photographer snapped a breath-taking picture of the moon positioned between a large set of Olympic rings hanging from the top of London's Tower Bridge.

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Rowan wrote:
Subject: Lonmin Mine in Rustenburg : Marikana, why the police opened fire.
WARNING THE FOLLOWING PICTURES ARE VERY GRAPHIC and depict exactly why the police opened fire on the striking miners. These security guards in the pictures had their jaws cut from their faces, tortured horrifically by the striking miners and burnt alive. Why did they not show these pictures on the news. If I were a policeman I would shoot too... and the world says: “Poor miners, how could the brutal police have shot these harmless souls???” NOW YOU SEE WHY!!!!

GORE WARNING. Don't click if you're squeamish. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Chick I use to bang.
Hey, just want to say I love the site mate. Keep up the good work. Enclosed are pics of a girl I use to bang feel free to share. With hold my info please!

Fucking great cans. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
a little Friday funny

All true. -Orsm

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Anthony wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Only in Australia ...

Also all true. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics
Hi. Please find some pics attached of some chick which I found on an old work's external harddrive. No details please
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Yogi Bear in comfort...
This has to be a MALE......... now wheres the fuckin remote. (Taken at the Shamattawa dump in Manitoba.)
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Wayne wrote:
Subject: Dating sites
Hi Guys, and gals for that matter. Ive been on one of the dating site for the past four years and got very good at reeling the women in ( I fuck 2 to 3 different women a week on average ). Its something we can all get better at with practice as I'm no prince charming however I do know what to say and what not to say. Women like cheeky men not nice men if that makes sense. Anyway one of my latest is a sex goddess and sent me a couple of photo you might like.
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Kel wrote:
Subject: American arms supermarket photos
Bless their little hearts. Fancy only having this much choice. The Yanks really must feel insecure!!!! How stupid making weapons such as AK 47's, M16's Heckler & Koch machine pistols, M60's available to the public. Hate to be a cop in that country when the bad guys have access to weapons such as these
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: trudy 2008 girl picks pt1
Reader for 8 years first time contribute. Moved in to a new house and found this disk. Gave the CD a wash stuck it in a draw and forgot about it till now. There were 185 photos so i whittled them down for ya! Enjoy Hide details bro!!
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Justin wrote:
Subject: Taxi driver has a pet squirrel....take a look
Soldiers in Belarus found a little squirrel and brought it to the Warrant officer. The squirrel was very weak and about to die, so the officer took care of it, fed like a baby every 4 hours. Three months ago the guy left the army and now works as a taxi driver - and the squirrel is always in his pocket no matter where he goes!
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Donald wrote:
Subject: Hooters Girl masterbates
Hi ORSM. Here is Hooters girl using VIBE. enjoy mate.

Good good girl! -Orsm

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew ignited some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and even more deep thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts". Case closed. Time for another beer.

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At her meeting with Queen Elizabeth, Julia Gillard turned to the Queen and said "As I am Prime Minister of Australia I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".

The Queen replied "I'm sorry Ms Gillard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge... and you're not a King".

Julia Gillard thought for a while and then said "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to have a Prince - and you're not a Prince".

Gillard thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed at this point, replied "Sorry again, Ms Gillard, but to be an Empire you need to have an Emperor in charge... and you are not an Emperor".

Before Gillard could utter another word the Queen said "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".


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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said "I'd like to buy some cyanide".

The pharmacist asked "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband".

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture, thought a moment, then said "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

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Jim was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one nurse that just drove him crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice "And how are we doing this morning?" or "Are we ready for a bath" or "Are we hungry?"

Old Jim had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Jim took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand. Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, it seems we are a little cloudy today". At this, Old Jim snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top and drank it down, saying "Well, I'll run it through again then. Maybe I can filter it better this time!" The nurse fainted. Old Jim just smiled.


That, boys, girls, women, children and black people is update done and dusted. Make sure you read on unless you like punches in the face...

-Check out the site archives. I'm not going to tell you again... for at least a week.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Unless you have a better idea...?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will wait 3 years before finally adding you as a Facebook friend.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stop menacing me! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.09.20-omg early!
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Welcome to Orsm.net. I'm an ambi-turner.

So it's my birthday tomorrow. That's awesome because Friday birthdays are the best and more importantly - my iPhone 5 will arrive. I fucking love my iPhone however at 2 years old its struggling. In that time I've spent over 2 weeks with the phone to my ear and have used it frequently to entertainment and inform. All that hard service means its dying a slow death. You practically have to stand on the home button to make it work, its sloooowing dooooown and battery life aint what it used to be. Long story short I'm definitely overdue for a new one so the moment the SMS arrived saying they were taking orders, that's what I did. Any second now my inbox is going to light up with Apple haters telling me that Samsung or Android or whatever is better - please don't bother. I'm under no illusions that the iPhone is the be all and end all but I'm more than happy sticking with it.

Moving on. I had a whole thing written about the fucktard Muslim protesters that rioted in Sydney at the weekend bashing cops and destroying shit but honestly they are such losers it's not worth wasting the space. To paraphrase my argument though - I wish they'd all drop dead [the protesters, not Muslims]. Instead let's whip through the goings on of my life over the last week because clearly that makes FAR better reading than almost anything you'll find anywhere on the internets... beginning with Saturday...

Awoke to a glorious spring day. This winter has been nothing short of cunty so now that things are on the up weather-wise it's happy days. With a free few hours ahead it was chore time. Firstly walk the dog, then take dog to the vet for her monthly shot, then on to the local dog wash. Returning home to house full of various friends doing various things [yes I know that sounds vague], I kept activities centred on the dog. Promise myself every year that as soon as it hits October I'll get out to spray weeds, specifically the ones which grow on the lawn and produce prickles. Never happens and the prickles take over. Whilst you can walk on them without any pain the dogs coat picks them up like a magnet. Countless hours spent picking them off her 6 months of the year could easily be prevented by spraying with a poison with reckless abandon. So that I did as well as millions of other weeds out popping up anywhere there is dirt, cracks and sunlight. Really is becoming like Day of the Triffids out there. One minute it was fine, the next we're surrounded.

Next up was a housewarming. You know the deal... one of your partner's work friends that you've never met bought a house and wants you to come look. You won't know a single person there and would rather be doing literally anything else. Of course this option was not available to me. Much -and I mean much- to my surprise it was actually pretty good. Met some cool people, had some interesting conversations and almost didn't want to leave. From there it was directly to a mates place to watch round 2 of the AFL finals series. West Coast vs Collingfuck. Some good football and a few beers ensued but not many things provoke more bitterness than having your season ended by Collingwood. All Western Australia is backing Sydney this weekend.

Even more kick-ass springy weather began Sunday. Had to resist the urge to park it in front of the computer and get stuck into this update and the four I'll be away for over Oct/Nov. As mentioned previously, we'll be moving house 'in the next few months' but have absolutely no idea when. This is problematic because those next few months are filling up quicker than something that fills up really, really quickly. Undoubtedly everything will happen at once and completely overwhelm me in the process. This in mind, I'm trying to be proactive and get whatever I can in order now to lessen the blow. The house contents shouldn't be too much of a problem. When the GF moved in last year we decided [read: she decided] a large amount [read: almost all] of my stuff [read: junk] was surplus to our needs and recycled, rehomed or disposed of which only really left two garden sheds. One is full to the brim of mostly other peoples crap. The other is mine and that's where efforts were focussed. Unbelievable how much has been accumulated. The amount of sprinkler heads, nozzles, connecters, pipe glue and other equipment would be enough to irrigate a large orchard. From there it went on to painting gear as well as a few dozen tins of paint. Don't forget the 12 litres of mineral turpentine and 6 litres of sugar soap. A vast collection of nuts, bolts, screws, washers, hinges handles and brackets followed. Tools were next. Lots of those but best of all were the lawn care products. Don't remember ever buying a single weed and feed anything but whaddya know, I could supply commercial quantities with what I found. A few hours later, successful cleanout was successful and some attention was then given to a gigantic weed infestation nearby. Admittedly a big waste of time if the house is to be bowled over and the land cleared but I could bear looking at them no longer.

I'd been hanging out to see The Dark Knight Rises and in a cool cinema was how the afternoon whiled away. Batman is by far my favourite superhero franchise so it was never going to suck but 1. it was at least an hour too long; 2. the Batplane was unimpressive and lacked grace; 3. the Batsuit is nowhere near as cool in broad daylight; and 4. Bane's got nothing on Heath Ledger's Joker. All that isn't enough to dissuade me from buying the DVD when it comes out though.

As usual that went longer than it was supposed to so if you're still with me prepare yourself for a killer update. Check it...

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Fatty Genius - Sausage Drone - 80's Goodness - Epic Weird - Slut Booted - Bad Mother - Butt Hurt - Princess Tits

Clitty Pump - Torn Apart - TMNT WTF - Oh The Pain - The Obliterater - Pussy Flashes - That Is Awesome - Drunk Babe

Poo Attack - Exhibitionist - Holy MILF - Eaten Alive - Lake Bell Tits - Hot Or Not? - College Shag - Sweet Geek - Twiggy

A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night". "Aww did you?" the wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing"
Dear Abbie, I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert?
"I just don't understand why men don't want women to golf with them" said Jill to her friend Mary. "TELL me about it!" replied Mary. "I went golfing with my husband one time and he told me I could never go again. He said I asked too many questions!" "Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?" said Jill. "Legitimate questions, I thought" said Mary. "Like what?" asked Jill. Replied Mary "Questions like 'Why did you hit the ball into the trees?', 'Why are you digging up all that sand?', 'How are you going to get your ball out of that tree?'... stuff like that".
A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.


There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them "What's the Purple Wombat?" "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the children shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!" The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally. The students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?" "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin moustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy" he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?" "Mr Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff".

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-PAL, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?" "It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is". "What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended!"

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing "I was so worried about you! What happened?" "Mummy!" cried Billy  "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy" his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?" "Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!" "You... don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!" Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way - lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy". Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy".

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat". Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy".

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy".

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy". Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy".

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy".

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy".

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

The moral of the story? Don't stand up in a boat.

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Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button… va-va-va-voom!"

The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid".

At 5.30am the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day. The phone rang at 6am and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pyjamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse". "Son, don't ever marry a nurse" the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'".

The phone rang again at 6.30am and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pyjamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices". "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator!" the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'".

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4pm, the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?" The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'".


Click for more awesomeness

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile and again yells "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope" replies the bartender. "He owns the place".

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Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year and every year Buddy would say "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter". Edna always replied "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks and fifty bucks is fifty bucks".

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair and Buddy said "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance". Edna replied "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

The pilot overheard the couple and said "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars". Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Buddy replied "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Edna fell out but you know... fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

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Reader Mail will be back next week. If you'd like to contribute just click here and don't be a dick about it.

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway so pulled over to see whether he could help.

The man had a very red face and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar was askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

"Hello, there" said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires... maybe I can help…?" "You sure can" the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done".

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A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. "Johnny!" mum screams. "Knock it off". You're going to break something. He stops and eventually mum leaves for a short trip to the shops. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mum has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge - a diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doc tor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"


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We've all heard the overused "#1 site for whatever" line but believe me when I say MyFreeCams.com is actually it! Hundreds of real girls getting nude in front of a webcam chatting, stripping and just about anything else you can convince them to do! You're able to watch unlimited live webcam shows with full audio and chat. Oh and did I mention it's absolutely totally 100% completely FREE!? Getting on is as easy as clicking here but be prepared to lose your day!

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A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live. He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me".

The preacher answered "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called 'your little secret' in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs. "What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well honey" she replied "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box".

Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul. "And what about the $100,000?" he asked. "Oh you see" she whispered softly "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I sold them".

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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends".


Okay DONE... and all while I'm not here. Right now I should be at some secret location or event or something that forms [part of?] my birthday present. No doubt I'll have something to say about it next update but until then....

-Check out the site archives. Your life will have been meaningless until now.
-Next update will be next Thursday. IF I HAVE TO.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will ruin your birthday like he has my last 12.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and don't sweat the big stuff. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.09.13-20.40
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Do you have the crazy?

Struck down again. For the third time in two months, another cold or flu type ailment. I can, at times, be a monster. I do, at these times, feel totally justified in being so. If you're within striking distance then that's on you. Getting sick over winter is more or less a given. Getting nailed a second time sucks but is what it is. Copping it a third time is just unfair. Felt like fucking crap too and made no bones about heaping blame upon those responsible. Single life is better in this regard - stuck in a house by yourself most of the week having [read: enjoying] limited contact with actual people means various plagues are avoided. Change to a cohabitation deal where one person has constant contact with real people and brings the shit home then you're screwed. The most annoying thing is it's been impossible to stick to a regular exercise routine for ages now because honestly who can be fucked when you'll spend most of the time coughing and hocking up phlegm. Next year I will get the flu shot.

On we move to other shit that's been going on... beginning with Friday which the opportunity to sit down and finish putting my PC back together after the meltdown was taken. Hours and hours of recovering the last of my data and installing various programs eventually had everything back to normal. From there we headed off to pick up my friends' kids. They were out of town and we'd bravely [or foolishly] volunteered to babysit for a night. Once they were on board it was grocery time and holy shit what an experience. There are maybe two sections in any supermarket that kids don't want something. One is the fruit and veg aisle, the other is household cleaning products etc. The rest are fair game and come with constant "Can we have this?" or "Can we get that?". You're torn between wanting to be the cool babysitter and not wanting to deal with sugar crazed maniacs. The idea that parents have to go through this every time they go near a shop is enough to make you never want kids.

Unnecessarily early start to Saturday preceded a naturopath visit. I swore off this [and I use the term very, very loosely] field of medicine years ago after a particularly absurd consult with one. I was made to lie down, she took my arm and asked me questions which I wasn't to answer because my 'body would answer'. Retarded. Still to this day wonder if she was taking the piss. Anyway after that I had no intentions of ever going back but the GF had been to one who was apparently amazing and -really- wanted me to go. So seems I had no choice. The next 30 minutes were spent discussing my diet and lifestyle. The following 15 minutes were spent being told that practically every single thing I do and eat are wrong. I sat there thinking about her partner and what life must be like for him. It would surely be one of judgement and anecdotal advice. Their fridge would be full of 100% natural juices and wheatgrass. Carbs and coffee would not exist. Chocolate not allowed. Gluten free all the way. There'd probably be an entire kitchen cupboard dedicated to fish oil. It would be a life not worth living.

That afternoon we took the kids ice skating. Think the last time I was on any sort of skates was in high school. Funnily enough haven't felt the need to since. That said it wasn't nearly as shit as I'd expected although this probably has more to do with managing to stay upright the whole time and abundant eye candy. Had to laugh at the cool kids though... the ones who zip through traffic, at speed, backwards as if they were born with skates attached. Enviable douchebags.

Decided to try and fight through the cold/flu/whatever Sunday with a car washing extravaganza. First the GF's gaylord car and then on to my baby. It was a solid morning of vacuuming and bubbles culminating in near toxic amounts of tyre gloss. With an afternoon of nothing planned the world was my oyster. Could have gone for a cruise, hit the beach, a movie - anything. Unfortunately the cold I'd tried so hard to sweat away took hold in earnest and confined me to the house. Not such a bad thing because the first round of the footy finals were on. West Coast vs North Melbourne so sat around watching the demolition unfold whilst working working. Pretty fucking awesome demolition at that too. Let that be a warning to Collingfags this coming weekend. Bring it on.

Okay that does it with all the what's been happening in my little world babble. The update you guys will find below has absorbed more hours of my life than I'm comfortable acknowledging so believe me when I say it is an absolute cracker which is sure to titillate and please. So now that I've set expectations incredibly high go forth and enjoy. Check it...


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Game On! - WT-Flipper? - Butts Butts Butts - Mega Douche - U Like That!? - Painal Passion - Nude Hipsters - She Spits!!

Super Hot BJ - Like A Boss - Shitty Mum - American Hero - Taliban Down - Creepy Convo - Humiliation - Naked Foodie

Visible STD's - Off Her Meds - Hot As Fuck - Splooged - Gag Bitch - Drop It Deep - Too Skinny? - Cum Sluts - PE Fail

A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last week. After sharing it between members of his family they each walked away with $4.50.
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear" she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted".
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get. The boss says "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?" The mechanic nods, confused. "Can you play light sabre with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?" "Oh yes," says the mechanic. "Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?" "Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wannabe mechanic. "Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 guys doing that already!" says the boss.
During her golfing vacation at Royal Melbourne, Prime Minister Gillard had been slicing off the tee on every hole. She asks her Scottish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for her poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies "Aye, there's a piece of shit on the end of yer driver". The Prime Minister picks up her driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says "No, the other end".


[Continued from here]

-A robber decided he wanted to be quick, so he jumped out of his car, ran in the store and demanded the money. After getting about two hundred dollars, he ran back out to his car. He realised that he had left his car running. He also realised that he had locked the doors.

-Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

-A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realised that 1) he could not get to the money from where he was, 2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and 3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialled 911 for help ...

-A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb". "Well put" the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses". The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

-Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in prison for filing a false police report.

-In Washington State, an obese man decided to rob a bank. Weighing more than three hundred pounds, the man went into the bank and announced his intentions. The tellers handed the money over and the man promptly exited the bank. However, he had not planned well enough to have a getaway car. Running from the bank, the large man soon tired and had to pause for a break. While resting, the man was handcuffed and arrested by the bank security guard.

-A woman was reporting her car as stolen and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

-A masked bandit went into a gas station intending to rob it. Not wanting reveal his voice, he wrote a note to a cashier demanding all the money. As the man had a gun, the cashier had no choice. When the suspect left, the cashier looked on the back of the paper. It was the man's subpoena. It contained his name, address, and phone number.

-A man robbed a convenience store and ran out with a bag full of cash. He got down the street and realised he had left his car keys on the counter. When he returned to the store, he was promptly arrested.

-A guy wearing pantyhose on his face tried to rob a store in a mall. When security came, he quickly grabbed a shopping bag and pretended to be shopping, forgetting that he was still wearing the pantyhose. He was captured and his loot was returned to the store.

-Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

-Two criminals decided it would be genius to break into a bank from a neighbouring building. They decided to drill through the wall so they could reach the banks vault. After hours of exhausting labour, they finally broke through. Upon entering the room, however, they discovered that had miscalculated the location of the vault and were instead standing in the middle of the restroom.

-A man walked into the corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the money from the cash register. After the cashier put the money in the bag as instructed, the man demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. The cashier refused to hand over the Scotch because he did not believe the man was 21. The robber swore he was, but still the clerk refused. Finally, the robber handed over his ID and proved that he was indeed twenty-one. As soon as he left, the cashier called and gave the police the name and address of the man who had just robbed the store. The suspect was arrested two hours later.

-Richard Avella, a 350 pound New York man, entered a Long Island jewellery store, drew a gun and told the clerk "This is a stick-up" then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrived.

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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?" For 20 years" she says "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing".

The marriage counsellor is amused "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!!" "Hmm, anything else?" The wife hesitates "Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now".

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you". The husband looks shocked "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counsellor explains "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else". The husband looks concerned "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said".

"What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry". The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay".

The counsellor continues "And you keep picking your nose in public". "Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean". The counselor looks faint "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity". "Oh" says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking". "This" says the husband seriously "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing".

"What did he say?" The husband replies "In his dying breath, he said - don't screw up!"


Click for more awesomeness

Bill goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that man who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem with this is that this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

Bill gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the regular customer.

A few minutes later the man walks over to the Bill's table and says "Listen up, pal. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

Bill calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says "Your turn!"

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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.  A store clerk called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. "No health insurance" he replied in a raspy voice. The nun asked "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied "No money in the bank".

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun".

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God". The patient replied "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".

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RM is back again this today for the sole reason that I am a great guy... that and there was an absolutely fucking massive backlog to clear... oh and I won't have time for mail next week.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

Truthsayer wrote:
Subject: JD wrote: Subject: Interesting? Not just interesting .... it's for all those liberals that think they owe something.
Ok. This one is from my general campaign to stamp out ignorance on the internet. your comment says controversial, nope, just wrong. Product of american education obviously. The preacher in the vid said: "The black man never had no civilisation". Yeah he did, The sahara ate it. Couple of years later white folk showed up and we made sure they never recovered. look it up folks. there's an entire civilisation buried under the sahara.

Daniel wrote:
Subject: Error in one of your user submitted pics.
It appears someone accidentally left the bottom line off the blackboard pictured. I've rectified the error. No, no need to thank me, you're welcome.

Yeah but it's New Zealand... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Aboh's
I thought they went barefoot or wore thongs!!

I LOL'd. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Steven wrote:
Subject: tree delivery
Really windy in Victoria today and this bloke decides to deliver a tree !!!!

Undignified ending for the tree. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dog pic Charleston SC
No details please. Dog in a bar. What will they think of next.

Two dogs in a bar? Cat in a bar?? -Orsm

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Alex wrote:
Subject: Liz Hurley in saree
But do you get the weird feeling that she forgot to wear something? ...Oh Yaaaaaaaaaaaaa!... she forgot to put on... pottu (the red dot on the forehead) ! and what the bloody hell were you thinking of?

Chris wrote:
Subject: Hope you find it as amusing as we did..
Found this old floor wax product that wouldn't be sold these days.

Better than calling it 'spasctic'. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Super Slim
Latest Technology - Super Slim Tablet (80mm and nearly 1kg WTF!!) Hide details pls

iPad killer. Litterally it will crush your iPad to death. -Orsm

click to enlarge
<with held> wrote:
Subject: random shite
Hey Orsm, here is a photo I saw on Face Book of a Kiwi Death Metal Band Dawn of Azazel and thought you might like. withhold name and Email please
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Kel wrote:
The Labor Party, being mortified at the loss of life amongst the "Boat People" has devised a new plan to save their lives. The plan has the enthusiastic support of The Greens !
click to enlarge
justin wrote:
Subject: My car's parked in!
I went to get my car and some PRICK HAD ME BLOCKED IN.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Upskirt.
Found this on Facebook looking thru friends of friends of friends! Enjoy and hide all details please!!
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stolen snatches
Hey do you reckon they take the life support system as well ? No deets pls

Does snatch mean vagina in other countries as well? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Saw this on another site. It does look like fun! Please hide details.

I love that stripclub2u.com redirects to analringtoss.com. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Here you go Mr. Orsm...Enjoy
Here some pictures of a dirty bitch who was selling smokes for a dollar. Please hide my details.

Smokes for a dollar - where?? -Orsm

click for gallery

Pacific Wave wrote:
Subject: Leaving a car unlocked in Western Canada
There are no scratches on the outside of this car, but the vehicle is total write off. A man in Waterton, (south of Calgary), came out to find the inside of his 18 month old Toyota Sequoia trashed. A grizzly bear had somehow got a door open (easy considering the way the handles are constructed) and once inside got trapped when the door shut behind him. Probably by the wind. The Toyota was the Platinum edition, all the door panels were ripped off, the headliner torn to pieces, all headrests, the leather seats, the dash shredded. The steering column was twisted sideways. Two of the six airbags went off, the other four the bear ripped to pieces.

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: HIDE INFO (Wife's Beautiful Pussy Pics)
ORSM, BIG TIME FAN!!!! The pictures attached are my wife's beautiful and Perfect Pussy..... I've been trying for years for her to let me send pictures of her pussy to you.... Finally... after 10 years (seriously 10 years) of trying!!!! She let me..... SOOOOOO ENJOY.... I look forward to seeing them on the website.... I've been following the site for around 11 or 12 years...... And please.... Hide my and her info...... and let us both know WHAT DO YOU THINK?? Do you think her Pussy is as nice and perfect as I do?? and oh.... she is a mother of two!!!.... one nice motherfucker indeed!!!! ENJOY!!!!!!!!!
click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Dog Shaming...
U might enjoy these?

Part 1 here. And thanks to <with held> who pointed out there's a whole website for these. -Orsm

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Paul wrote:
Subject: exgirl friend pics
I have a bunch of photos for ya..... heres the first bunch. I was with this girl for almost 4yrs and she started fucking another guy about 2 months ago.... he has a lil dick and cant keep it up but she chose him over me... well her name is [removed] from [removed] and loves to spread her legs for attention. I'll send some every week till we get to the video..... I love your site.... been a loyal follower since around 1991 or so.... or whenever you started.... lol
click for gallery
P G wrote:
Subject: Emailing
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Dale wrote:
Subject: Bent Humour ..... :)
What artists do if given wire and household objects and too much time on their hands! You say tomato, I say tomato.
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Brad wrote:
Subject: Veet for men
These guys should be writing books, so funny! Veet Launched new product for hair removal for men. This product is designed not to be used in any intimate areas. Men being men took this advice to heart, see below some of the reviews currently on Amazon. Boys will be boys
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Greg wrote:
Subject: Home Made Car
Only in the USA. Must be an old farmer who quit farming and started building. Thought you might enjoy seeing this contraption, and it provides some inspiration for future projects to finish clearing out all those storage buildings and garages. This is the exact and perfect example of why we save everything. This car has been built with all of the "junk" laying out back in the pile, and under the work bench, and stuffed in the rafters. All this guy needed was a little time on his hands.

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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: The Grand Canyon--BEAUTIFUL PICTURES
Beautiful shots of a beautiful place!! Impossible to pick out a favorite. The Grand Canyon, as you've never seen it before. Absolutely breathtaking

click for gallery
<with held> wrote:
Subject: F.T. pics
hide the details please!
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Fisheyebass wrote:
Subject: Julie Andrews & the 7 Children:
Remember the 7 children of the Von Trapp family? The Sound of Music' won the Academy Award for Best Picture of 1965 and is one of the most popular musicals ever produced. Can it possibly be that many years ago! They were having a reunion after 40 years and all were looking healthy and amazingly well...
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Hank wrote:
Subject: Touring cars at Knockhill Scotland
Touring cars at Knockhill Scotland 26/08/12
click for gallery

Brett wrote:
Subject: Spiderman in a different light
Hey Mr Orsm dude, Thought this might make you laugh. Keep on Truckin [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother. "Oh, mama" she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic". Then suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Stan started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"

"Frannie, Frannie!" her mother said "Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama" wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words". Still sobbing the new bride replied "Oh, Mama, words like dust, wash, iron, and cook".

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A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. "What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. "I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach". Barely taking a moment to consider the reply he says "I don't think we can give you a loan". So the guy left.

A few months later he went into the bank with a wheelbarrow filled with money. The same bank manager said "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off!".

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder". "Really?" replied the bank manager. "What does it do?" "Give me a peach and I'll show you".


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I was having a nightmare where I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling and I discovered that I am a black and I'm circumcised. Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's licence photo and it was that same colour, black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair. That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled. I said to myself aloud "This is impossible! It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled!"

"It's the pure and holy truth" whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend. Just what I needed. I am a homosexual and on top of that, with a Welsh boyfriend. Oh my God. Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Welsh boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive.

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and oh no, I'm bald.

The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying "Since mum and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless cunt!"

Mum? Dad? Nooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan. I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Welsh boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn't get it.

Frustrated, I hang up. With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses. There is trash everywhere. Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Welsh boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, I live in a crappy neighbourhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me "Sweetie pie, my love, my little black heartthrob, it's time to go. The Collingwood game starts in an hour".

"Say it isn't so!! I can handle being a black, disabled, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Welsh boyfriend. But please don't tell me I support Collingwood!"

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Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding with morning, afternoon and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground.

After the cathouse was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about the 'power of prayer'. But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/Madame, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business either through direct or indirect divine actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this damn case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"


Holy fucking shit I am fucking DONE.

-Check out the site archives. Now hipster friendly.
-Next update will be next Thursday. DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY. GIVE ME PRESENTS!
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will throw you off a roof in Vegas...
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and go wash you dick. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2012.09.06-20.23
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Silly bum.

It's taken a whole week but finally feel like I may be starting to regain control of my life. The hard drive meltdown last Wednesday has more or less been cleaned up. It took adding a new one, installing Windows on it and then using that as the platform to recover data from the fucked drive. Sounds simple but it took countless reboots of the computer because at best it would function for 90 seconds before failing. It's a painfully slow process recovering 100+ gigabytes of data a minute and a half at a time with reboots in between. If that didn't suck enough, having to set my PC back up again got me there. Easy to forget how many programs are needed to do all the various stuff for an update until it's time to reinstall and then configure them. There's been some retardedly late nights this week as a result.

The shit storm didn't quite end there either. About two weeks ago my internet speed halved for no apparent reason. What's followed has been a whole bunch of support calls to my ISP trying to troubleshoot interspersed with several onsite visits. A tech guy came out Monday, tested the line and agreed the problem was elsewhere, escalated the fault and another guy was out first thing Tuesday to tell me it should now be fixed. I checked and it was better but not perfect. As the day went on the speed slowed again. Long story short a tech guy came back out today to find the line filter had been replaced incorrectly by the first tech guy. Swap it around and we're sweet.

I can't help but think that all computer hardware problems I've ever had are winter related. Thinking back, most major issues always seem to occur around this time of the year. Basically when we're at peak cold. Add in the piece of shit house factor and more specifically that it gets ridiculously cold in here AND that I've been shutting my computers down when not in use lately, it may just be they're not loving the cold. It's that thing how taxi drivers get over a million kilometres out of their cars because they're run pretty much 24 hours a day - less start up wear and tear and temperature change for the driveline whereas other cars which only ever do short, sporadic trips don't live to see a fraction of that. My hope now is with the approaching change of address to a house less old and less prone to the cold, this stuff will be less of a problem. We live in hope.

Anyway on to everything else I'm sure you guys are desperate to know. Beginning, of course, with Saturday. There's been a few rare days recently where there wasn't something requiring early exit of the household. Never are they Saturdays though. Until now... so after some relaxed meandering around the place we made way for the local shopping centre to find a birthday present, a belated birthday present and Father's Day present. There really is nothing worse than trying to find that special something knowing its going to end up in the back of a cupboard somewhere but whatevs. A few hours later everything was gotten and it was back home to resume PC repair efforts.

Boy's night with my two best mates that night to celebrate a birthday. The hard part was deciding where to go - in times gone by we'd have headed straight for our usual bar and done what comes naturally but the idea was to try somewhere different. But where? After much indecisive back and forth we eventually landed at an Indian place for food then strolled across the road to a bar, found a dark corner and parked it there. Clearly the gods were smiling on us because it just so happened the two hottest girls in the place spent the night dancing in front of our table. When they left another took their place. Magic. Probably the only way it gets any better is if you're paying. So there we stayed, got completely smashed and rolled into home at who knows when. Best night out in ages.

Miraculously woke without any sign of a hangover. Surprising due to the drink mixing that took place the night before. First act of business was to take friends to the airport so met them at theirs, jumped into their car and off we went. Stopped on the way to drop kids off and made it to the airport by 12ish. From there t'was quickly past our house designers to pick up some papers before making it to the parents for a Father's Day shindig. Pretty low key affair - ate some food and spent the next couple watching our niece run around. Despite several subtle attempts I didn't manage to escape until around 3pm and still had to drop the car back. Finally home an hour later, the rest of the day was spent between the computer and the kitchen. And that was about it. Good weekend was great.

Okay let's move on. Everything is back to normal today which means one thing - fucking huge update. And if I do say so, it's better than sex. Check it...

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Stinky Linky - Explain This - Ex GF Exposed - Real News - 9021-HO - Would Not Hit - White Monsters - Spermarific

Chair Fuck - Body Slam! - Uncalled For - Human Toilet - Friendly KO - Choke On It - Smell My Dick? - Going Solo

Magnificence - Disturbing - Unpleasant - Amp Porn - Prolly Hurt - Drug Fucked - Orgasm Race - Slutty Daughter

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious. "You probably saved my life" says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family and I have the power and money to give you anything you desire as a reward". The golfer glances at his golf bag. "Some new golf clubs would be nice...?" he says. Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up. "We've got your golf clubs" she says "but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance - only three of them have swimming pools".
Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be ok by Monday.
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.  A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.  The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said "I'm only here to listen to the music". "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog".
The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you...?" I said "Yeah... the fuck'n drain is blocked again!"



-It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

-We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

-Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

-This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

-Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the cubicles.

-At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

-After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

-Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

-Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

-Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

-Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously.

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. Note: charges applicable as $3 per minute as we have a fast connection.

-73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

-In the event of labour pains, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT two weeks' notice is required as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards, HR Department

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A man walks into a bar and immediately notices that the guy at the end of the bar has a big ass orange head. He talks to the bartender and asks him the story.

"The guy doesn't talk much, but if you buy him a drink he will usually tell you the story of how he got the big ass orange head". The guy thinks about it and decides to go for it. So he walks up to the guy with the big ass orange head and starts talking to him. He buys him a drink and the guy with the big ass orange head opens up to him. "I suppose you wanna know where I got my big ass orange head".

‎"Yes, how did you get your big ass orange head?" the man asks. ‎"Okay so I grew up on a tropical island in the middle of nowhere. We had no food, no money, nothing. From the time I was 5 I had to work for everything we had. 6 hours of work would often lead to me bring home one tiny fish for my family to eat. It was like that the first 20 years of my life. So one day I was out working and walking along the beach looking for anything I could use for a fish net, when I tripped and stubbed my toe. I looked around and saw this shiny object sticking out of the sand, so i picked it up. It was a lamp!"

"A genie popped up and told me 'After 3000 years I am finally free! Thank you! As always, for your deed, I will grant you three wishes'. Now, I didn't want to use them all at once, so I started out with a good start. 'I wish for unlimited riches' POOF! Next thing I knew there were rings on my fingers and there was a solid gold crown on my head. I used the money to make my tribe prosperous, and before long our slum turned into a metropolis".

"About 10 years later I decided to use my second wish. '"I wish that I was married to the most beautiful woman on the planet'. POOF! the most beautiful woman on the planet appeared with a wedding ring in hand. We were happily married for the next 15 years, becoming king and queen of our little metropolis. We were well loved by them all, and met even more success. We could not possibly have been happier... but then I really fucked up".

‎"How so?" the man in the bar asks. "Well I thought out my wish for a good 5 years and didn't know what to wish for, so when the genie finally said it was time for me to give him my third wish, I panicked and said "I wish I had a big ass orange head".


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Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the EMT saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbour, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalisation.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbours had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

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We always hear ' the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing' then we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... REALLY.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as footy or cricket.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping!

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Aaaand we're back. A couple of week break for Reader Mail made for a fucking abundance of submissions to sort through. Literally kept my shit up to 3am last night going through them all so whilst I suffer the effects of sleep deprivation, you guys get the pick of the bunch.

Got something Orsm-worthy? Submit it! If your shit is good enough it'll be featured on the main page and then archived for all eternity. On the Orsm hit list are pics of your terrible ex-girlfriend, tasty current girlfriend, jokes, funny videos and pretty much anything else you can staple to an email and send my way. All you must do is click here to make it happen.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Red Cross Myth
Saw your Popular Myths Dispelled section, and I have to point out this little tidbit.... "-According to the Red Cross, it's not that big of a deal if you eat right before swimming." False. Taking CPR and Emergency services training, one thing that was taught in regards to blood flow is that when you eat, you blood is drawn to your core to help digest the food. Now if you do some kind of exercise... like swimming... all that blood get pulled out to the limbs and the core can't process your food, so the reaction is to purge the system, i.e. puke your guts out. Which is the reason why it is recommended you wait to go swimming or just exercising, or else you'll be seeing your lunch again chumming in the water in front of you. Just thought I'd pass that on.

jshutt007 wrote:
Subject: Plane Engine Fails During Landing - orsm dot net
The engine did not fail. If you look at the 7-second mark, you can see in the center of the bottom of screen, some kind of object on a pole; maybe a weather vane. The pilot sitting on the left would not be able to see it. The plane struck this and flipped

Anthony wrote:
Subject: Dude lawn mowing the road.
Hey Orsm, Just checkin out your vids and i see the one with the old man using a lawn mower on the road. Matter of fact that my old man used to do that (but not as severe) as all he was doing is pickin up the leaves and left over grass from the initial grass cut. Looks silly but it saves the old dudes from sweeping. I thought it was just a wog thing but there ya go. Cheers.

Simon wrote:
Subject: Boom
Wellington Street in Central, Hong Kong 4pm.

What's the worst that could happen...? -Orsm

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xitz wrote:
Subject: Lets get it in perspective, eh?
This is what we should be promoting & not that one loudmouth bighead failed

Maybe we are as good as we think we are.... -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Camel toe on facebook
my buddy actually put this picture of his wife on facebook. good to know that everyone knows what her camel toe looks like now.

I've never understood how girls don't realise. If I had a wedgie I would know. You feel your jocks or shorts working themselves up and quickly rectify the problem before anyone says you have a hungry bum. GIRLS - why aren't vagina's the same? -Orsm

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Azaria Chamberlain wrote:
Subject: Kerry O'Brien's piss flaps
From the ABC NT Elections telecast, 25th August. Not a good look!

Neck vagina!! -Orsm

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Mark wrote:
Subject: S.A
Only in SOUTH AFRICA. Shows you the type of shit we have to put up with. And it is morons like this who hold prominent positions in Government.

He is too stupid to own a penis and should hand it in. -Orsm

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Benno wrote:
Subject: Jerk parker.
Hi Mr Orsm! Big fan of the site since forever. Just wanted to pass along this photo of a jerk who parked across four disabled parks at Garden City shopping centre in Brisbane. Love your work! Cheers

If anyone has shitty parking pics please submit them - there'll be a new You Park Like A Fuck gallery in a few weeks. -Orsm

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David wrote:
Subject: Toilet sign
It is in one of Kampala's leading hotels. Below that sign was a buffet table with masala
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Grant wrote:
Subject: Subject
Work harder and start with $70 000 000 and sell dirt is my advice

I laughed. -Orsm

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Joe wrote:
Subject: Turd Trucks
Hi there, Saw your pics of various Turd Trucks, so I thought I would send you a photo of our town's local one. Love your site. Regards.
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Bill wrote:
For my friends, the Car Lovers...... Honey, I am gonna go work in the garage. It Looks Like An Old Chicken Farm Shed and nothing more. Awesome shed in Langley , B.C. Nice 1956 Chevy & 57 T-bird next to the shed though. NOW THAT'S MY TYPE OF GARAGE!

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gordon wrote:
Subject: More Indian pics
Some nice little pics of an Indian I am banging. She loves masturbating for me!
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Loz wrote:
Subject: Emailing
Dog Shaming

Holy fuck I could make a few of these. -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Pics and video
Something for site. Hold details. Love site!

Tan line awesomeness. -Orsm

Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Emailing
memphis and elvis mansion

And to think having three TV's in a room was probably a huge deal back then. -Orsm

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Bill wrote:
Subject: Easter Islands Statues have a body
Isn't it amazing that nobody thought before that the statues had a body.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Something to look at!
Hey Orsm! Been following this site for about 2 years now! Anyways, this is my first time contributing! Found these pics on a laptop a customer wanted me to format, thought id share. Keep up the good work, love the site! Please Hide the details
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Brett wrote:
Subject: The latest vid
Hi Mr Orsm Dude, I thought I would blow up an Australian landmark for the fun of it. Keep up the great work. [Youtube link here]

click to watch video

JD wrote:
Subject: Interesting?
Not just interesting .... it's for all those liberals that think they owe something.

Controversial. -Orsm

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Want to contribute to Reader Mail? Just click here and do eeeet!!

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Ed and Sandy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too... but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker".

Ed said "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball".

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A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son" said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment and I'll give you a hand". "No thanks" said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it". "Don't be silly" the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water". Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman said "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well" replied the young farmer "he's under the load of hay".


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Husband comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "Darling, I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! Until the doctor confirms the test result we can't tell anybody".

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell because the couple hasn't paid their last bill. "Are you Mrs Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man. "What are you saying? It's in your files??" "Absolutely". "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight".

That night, she tells her husband about the visit and, mad as a bull, he rushes to the electric company's office the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down" says the clerk "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us". "PAY you!? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut it off". "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!"

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There's a guy with a Doberman and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman says to the guy with a Chihuahua "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat".

The guy with the Chihuahua says "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us". The guy with the Doberman says "Just follow my lead". They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed". The guy with the Doberman says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog". The guy at the door says "A Doberman...?" He says "Yeah... they're using them now. They're very good". The guy at the door says "Come on in".

The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the heck" so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed". The guy with the Chihuahua says "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog". The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua!?"


And that is another update done, dusted, finished, completed, brought to fruition and over. To me this means it's dinner time so while I go eat you guys should definitely read the following...

-Check out the site archives. Orsm turns 12 this month [fucking 12 damnit!!] and every update from now back until then is safely archived for your viewing pleasure.
-Next update will be next Thursday. K?
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will do something to you that's so bad you're unlikely to forget for a very, very long time.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and do you really need more cake? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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