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December 2004...
 
orsmupdate 2004.12.23-22.38
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Welcome to Orsmnet where all I wanna know is why if it's Christmas, how come there are so many Easter Eggs?

Woohoo... the last damn update of the year! Yes folks I am finally booking myself a week off from the site and owing to that fact that most of you guy's will most likely doing the same thing between Christmas and New Year now is the perfect time. I mean let's face it - these opportunities present themselves once every 12 months so I'm going to kick back, put my feet up and enjoy the break. Now where's my fucking beer?

As for my Christmas shopping crisis that I bored you all with last week... unfortunately I'm still not quite sorted and wouldn't be too far from the truth when I say it's been a fucking battle. As it turns out my whole brilliant theory on asking people what they want aint so perfect after all. I found most of the time when they couldn't suggest anything I was left throwing ideas out there for approval and most of the time they were met with a firm "NO!". Next year its back to the original method of a gift with the receipt at the ready...

Leaving it all to the last minute has driven me close to insanity as well. PLEASE someone remind me early next November to start shopping then. Mixing it up with the crowds is a fucking joke. I hate walking around when there's people from asshole to breakfast. It makes it hard to spot things and when you finally do, prepare to spend an eternity waiting in the checkout line because some retarded trainee can't quite grasp the basics of swiping items past the barcode scanner.

Actually getting to the shops is a whole other thing entirely so don't even get me started on traffic jams and parking hassles. Why the fuck people have to change lanes every five seconds I have no idea! It's as if everyone suddenly loses the ability to drive normally the moment they jump behind the wheel - forget looking where you're going, forget courtesy, just forget how to drive for fucks sake!

This makes me wonder where the cops are when you need them because they never seem to be around when some non-attentive mother driving a van loaded with screaming kids pulls in front of you and jams the brakes on to make a turn whilst nearly causing an accident. No, if you want to find the police all you need do is head for any major road and accelerate to more than 5kms an hour above the speed limit. You're sure to see the strobe of a camera or the flash of blue lights before too long.

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Our local Police force is encouraging us to behave on the roads in other ways too. If you fuck up and get caught then the penalty for the next 3 weeks is double demerits. If you have no idea what that means then allow me to explain it for you: if you get caught speeding or running a red light or whatever then not only will you be fined but you will receive demerit points against your name. The amount of points you receive varies with the severity of the offence but once you hit 12 points it's bye-bye license for at least 3 months.

At last check I was at 10 so its best behaviour for me at the moment anyway. One slight infraction and I'm pounding the pavement for a while.

Thankfully my only real run in with the police recently was at a booze bus I went through last night. While I was blowing into the machine another cop walked up and told me to turn my fog lights off. My reply was an instant "dude, they aren't on!" to which he said "well they were". I realised what he was on about and explained that the corresponding one pops on automatically when you indicate left or right. With a straight face he retorts "so the car is unroadworthy and needs a work order...?" My jaw drops in a manner which reflects my shock at finally meeting a real life Chief Wiggam. I pause and come out with "mate, its factory!" and get cut off with "I'm just fuckin with ya - get out of here!".

All I can say is that it's good to see not all cops are dick heads and have a sense of humour.

Anyway I think I've wasted enough of everyone's time with my ramblings not only for this update but for this year as well. Lets get on with it shall we...?

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. You won't be disappointed!

We're witnessing a craze in the porn industry. Following the example of most TV channels, the Internet is exploding with reality porn sites!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Freakage - Dogs & Christmas - Obscure Sexual Terms - Kringle Karols - Hotties Sucking Nipples

Pitbull Attack - Turn My Head Phones Up! - Tramp-O-Claus - Christmess - Jessica Simpsons Sexy Ass

One year, a nice man decided to buy his wife a different gift for Christmas. He decided to purchase a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift for her. The wife thought it was quite strange but she just thought that she would not have to buy one when the time comes. So the next year comes around and the husband did not buy her a gift this time. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

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One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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ANGEL AMONG US

Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta - Iveta

There was this fellow who worked for US Postal Service whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting to "Santa". He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear Santa, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had 100 dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went, and a few days later came another letter to Santa from the old lady. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear Santa, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - we haven't gotten over it. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

ORSM VIDEO

This humorous video has pretty much nothing to do with Christmas except instead of jolly fat men we have jolly fat women. I've always hated the song that they perform with a passion but you've got to admit they do bring a certain special something to it. Check it...

- The Moulin Huge -

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I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE FUCK DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS SHIT IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT!

CHRISTMAS EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position your-self near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labsour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

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I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don't want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

READER MAIL
So this is the last Reader Mail for the year which means I should take this opportunity to thank all of you who have sent me stuff over the last 12 months. There's been some amazing stuff come through and I honestly feel privileged to have it land in my inbox so huge thankyou to everyone who has contributed. As for everyone else, if you've got something you wanna send, something you'd like to see on the site or simply feel it your place to tell me how bad of a job I am doing then you may do so here.

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!
Thatmosis here, Days before Xmas, turn on the TV and its Xmas crap on every channel and worse still Yank Xmas crap! Its so sickly sweet that fingers down the throat come to mind. Shows that are repeated year after year ad nausium so that everyone knows the scripts by heart, or new shows that are exactly the same as the old shows except they are in colour. Messages of joy and goodwill interspersed between ads to entice you to buy, buy, buy. And the shops, Xmas @#$@&%*$#@ Musac, scenes of jolly old St Nick and his helpers with snow all over the place with the temperature in the 30's, screaming kids on the gimmee, gimmee, gimmee trail, flustered adults maxing out their cards to appease the little "darlings" . But wait there's more, as if by magic at 12pm on Xmas eve the new ads appear for the after Xmas sales where they will attempt to sell at a reduced price (lol) you all the crap that they couldn't sell you before Xmas. There is help at hand, The Thatmosis Xmas Survival Kit, more next year, you will just have to suffer this time. By the way , Have a Merry Xmas and a happy New Year.

Alejandro Vargas wrote:
Subject: Re: a classic "what's that song on that vid?" email.
Hello Orsm. I guess you've already gotten this info like a dozen times, but here goes anyways. The song on the clip is "Lucy doesn't love you" by Ivy. Oh, and the guy who asked is either very lazy, stupid, or both. Googling the first line spoken, "Nothing's ever going to make her happy", spits out the correct info quite easily. Great site, and happy holydays.

Brendon Rushfeldt wrote:
Subject: In reply to the muppet fucker.... ummmm... so?
I'm sure the reference in the picture was of bush/hitler being increadibly power-hungry, not a genocidal maniac. If you can't take humor of this nature, of a 'Potentially Offensive' nature that is, GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE INTERNET YOU DUMB FUCK!

erindale wrote:
Subject: Bush/Hitler photo
I had a wry smile when reading the poor outraged "muppet fucker" rant [about the bush/hitler pic]. Obviously needs to spend a bit more time in his history books, I'd be more upset at the fact that Prescot Bush (that's GW's grand daddy, muppet) was one of Hitler's bankers during WW2. It's a pity you weren't thinking about that little nugget when you were voting for dear ole GW then maybe you could have put your outrage to good use....... you truly are a Muppet. Great site ORMS blah, blah.....

Jim B wrote:
Subject: My 2 cent's worth
This is in response to muppet fucker's complaint that even though he has been a fan, one of your items offended him so much that he is not coming back. Here's my suggestion: Each week, you should describe everything you plan to post the following week and let everyone vote on whether or not they are offended by it and whether they want it posted. We certainly don't want to take a chance on offending a visitor when they find out that one out of one hundred items displeases them. That wouldn't be too much to ask, would it?

Germany wrote:
Subject: Complaint
Hello, I am one of the million viewers who got this picture by mail.. Who do u mean by 'little bastard face'.. Do u refer to the little boy? If you do, i hope you can remove this page out from your website. He's not a BASTARD. Why did u call that? He is just a kid.. innocent.. dont show your National's Anger and view it to the world through this website.

Chris wrote:
Subject: Re: It's soooooooooooooo scary
Hey Orsm, Chain mails are a really big, stupid problem and in the spirit of reducing those big stupid problems from our world please do not post them.

Robert Greenough wrote:
Subject: random shite
hey on your new random shite section i noticed that the fat guy on the croch rocket has a free mason emblem on the back of the bike, i just found that weird and i thought i would point that out if no one elce had noticed. Cuz a lot of people think the free masons are the real controlers of many things such as governments and religions

Aluizio wrote:
Subject: Naked in a restaurant
Hi, there! About the pictures from a restaurant in Rio, I can say: it's not from Rio, for sure. Here in Brazil we don't have Pillsner beers neither that brand of cigarrettes (as you can see at the table). And the prices of the drinks are very different...

Christopher Linder wrote:
Subject: Anti-aircraft mistake
In the video "Anti-Aircraft" a chopper gets knocked down buy an shoulder fired missile. Eric Qiullen Morris wrote in and seemed very upset about US choppers getting knocked down. Who could blame him? Except there's one problem - those aren't US choppers. The first chopper is unmistakably Russian, probably an Mi-8. The second chopper is probably an Mi-24, a Russian attack chopper referred to in the west as a Hind. It is hard to tell because the video is poor quality but it IS certain that it has 5 rotor blades. Apaches have 4. Cobras have 2. Hinds have 5. Most likely this is footage from the Afghan-Russian war

Luke wrote:
Subject: silly bitch
Hey Dude, This silly bitch in the pics left these pics of herself on a public computer desktop just before i went on it... So, i thought the appropriate thing to do was to save them to my email, forward it to everyone in my address book, then, last but not least, send to you to have your way with them HAHA. Silly biatch... Cheers for the awesome site man, The Donnybrook Horror!!!

click to enlarge

Mike Davis wrote:
Subject: Hotties From Salem Illinois
Thought this was a good addition for your wonderful website keep up the good work!

Breasts are always a good addition. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Brad wrote:
Subject: pics
hey man love the site, thought i'd send some pics of this dumb bitch who just decided to send me them. keep up the good work, dont show my details if thats cool.

click for gallery

Foxhole wrote:
Subject: Lemonade Cock
Here are some pics I took of a bottle of Lemonade we had thawing in the sink. I was going to open it and drink straight from the bottle, but when I discovered what looked to be a HUGE knob, I decided to pour it into a glass instead.

Some people... too much bloody time! -Orsm

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Lee Driver wrote:
Subject: Pics of a splitting headache......
Mr. Orsm, A buddy of mine sent me these pics the other day and I immediately thought of your site. I've seen a lot of fucked up stuff out there but there is always something that out does the last one.

Nasty. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Dave wrote:
Subject: Discovery
HI THERE ORSM. AFTER SENDING YOU THE RANGE STORMER VIDEO I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO SEE THIS ONE. ALL THE BEST.

click to view vid

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Stick to the head
Hi Mr. Orsm ! Here's a video from B-School. Some type of initiation ritual. Stick to the Head !! Sgotta hurt ! More soon.

click to view vid

Rents wrote:
Subject: Video
Just thought that you may want to help me share this clip with the rest of the world.

Consider it done. -Orsm

click to enlarge

FOXXMAN wrote:
Subject: Fw: sandcastles
hey Mr orsm. i never sent u anything but these imoressed me and i know u had similar pics, thought u may like em... Cheers for the site and keep up good work..

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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carols!"

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1. Talk about huge, firm, delicious, succulent, inviting breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Seconds? I can handle thirds, maybe even fourths!
9. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
10. Just pull the skin back, try the end of it and see how you like it!
11. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
12. Don't play with your meat.
13. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
14. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
15. There will be enough for everyone to get stuffed three of four times!
16. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
17. You still have a little bit on your chin.
18. How long will it take after you stick it in?
19. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
21. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
22. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
23. Oh please, can I have just a little nibble?

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A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your Mom and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this, "She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way!"

ORSM VIDEO

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil Aviation Authority, and the examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check-ride. Santa got in, fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the gauges.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

RANDOM SHITE

This weeks Random Shite is guaranteed not to offend, disgust or corrupt anyone. Bah... who am I kidding? Just click the damn links and decide for yourselves...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy, who I guessed was about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold winter night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten separated from his parents and was lost, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story - he said that he came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked 2 full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.

Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts for her children. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, however, when an older boy grabbed one of the $100 bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. "I did." said the boy. "And no one came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?'' I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realised that absolutely no one could have heard this poor boy's cry for help. So I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my car.

click here for more

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

ORSM VIDEO

This is a vid that'll knock your socks off and it's proudly brought to you buy the lads over at AmateurAllure.com. The chicks are amazing and well they sure know how to suck a mean cock. Tonnes more pics and vids @ AmateurAllure.com!!

- The Amateur Allure Girls -

click here for more

Well as they say - that is that. Before I go I'd like to shout out big thankyou’s to Honer for making suure the site runs and absolutely everyyone else that has contributed or simply surfed by for a visit - without you all there would be nothing here!

If you’re feeling generous and want to show me your love for the countless hours I pour into the site to provide even more countless hours of entertainment for countless numbers of you then stop by my wish list and prove it!

On that note I'm outta here. Until next time, be good, stay off the chem's and remember to have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.12.16-23.08
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Welcome to Orsmnet. You've arrived at the site which was described in a recent interview with acclaimed gift expert Nick Claus as being "the penultimate gift for someone you like..." so please sit back, relax and do what you're told...

So we're just over a week out from that 'special day' and I'm starting to realise it's time to get off my ass and get my Christmas shopping done. This isn't going to be a pleasant experience either. I'm one of those annoying people that likes to have everything done and organised well before it needs to be however this year I find myself far from that assuring state of readiness.

To date I've got presents sorted for one person out of the ten or eleven that I need to cover. The first one was an easy one - jump online to Amazon and order a DVD. Quick, painless and sorted in less than five minutes.

As for everyone else, well that's a different story. I've pretty much flagged the whole be creative and surprise someone with a present of my own choosing and elected to ask them all what the hell they want. The benefits of this method are great. Firstly, the person that you're buying for gets to name something they would actually like thus avoiding disappointment and that fake happy look you are given when they unwrap it.

Secondly, it gives you a dollar value to shoot for. If you know that Mum says she'd like a food processor for the kitchen, it's a safe bet that what ever is coming back your way will be of a similar value. With this method you'll never have to endure that that uncomfortable embarrassment when the $200 that's been spent buying you some new toy, has been reciprocated with a $10 gift voucher towards a makeover.

click here for more

Anyway, faced with the daunting present buying extravaganza ahead of me I last night put forward the idea that maybe we should switch to a Secret Santa sort of arrangement whereby all you have to do is buy a prezzie for one person and someone else buys one for you. Simple plus drastically reduces the aggravation of dealing with the Christmas shopping crowds for too long and not to mention cheaper. Unfortunately, my little brainwave was shot the fuck down... in record time too! Turns out people like getting lots of presents...

One thing I am definitely looking forward to is the post Christmas sales. I mean no one is going to cough up for the stuff I really want so I can't let this opportunity to buy myself some new toys pass me by and on the very top of the list is a new TV. I figure that when I finally get a place of my own I'm going to need one for the living room and may as well take advantage of the sales to get a bad boy. Next item on the list is a surround sound unit thingy with lots of speakers for enhanced viewing pleasure.

After having said all that the main focus as I embark this weekend and at the after Christmas sales is to control myself. Last year is a good reminder that ruthlessly pounding my credit card with shit after unnecessary shit is a bad idea... it took me months of controlling myself afterwards to get it back down to a reasonable level and I'd bet that I'm still paying for stuff I bought then, now..

I guess if all else fails I can just set up one of those stupid websites begging for people to pay my credit card bill for me because I am irresponsible retard or at the very least point you all at my wish list...!!

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Tasty teens, webcam wonders, nightclub escapades and all of it caught on camera at Teenrave.org. I had my doubts when I was told about Teen Rave thinking it would be just another zero content website but oh how wrong I was. Do yourself a big favour and check out TeenRave.org. You won't be disappointed!

I was surfing around the other day trying to relieve some boredom when I came across aBum.com. The first thing that put and end to my predicament wasn't the sexy video of Anna Kournikova pulling up her skirt and showing her fine little ass but the tonnes of free videos, squillions of pics and splash animations and games. Don't think - check it out now!

Drop dead gorgeous women playing with their pussies and toys. Need I say more? Give Me Pink!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Sucks To Be Me! - SlingShot Santa - Foreign Fingers - Bulges - Naked Hockey Girls - Flex-etary

Jennifer Aniston's Fine Ass - Cute Girl Flirting - Patriots - Cock Pit - Shake That Ass!

The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her 11-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?" "I can't concentrate," replied the boy. "I've fallen in love." "Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?" "With you," he answered. "But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own some day but I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I'll be careful."
--
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling, am I the first man to make love to you?" "Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too. I don't know why you men ask the same fucking question."

click here for more

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

ORSM VIDEO

People do some stupid things and until I saw this clip I had always thought I was right up there at the top of that list. Before you watch this I should point out that if you're even slightly squirmish it would be a good idea to scroll down and avoid it as it involves a crocodile, an arm, and an... amputee...

- That's What You Get -

click to watch vid

I'VE BEEN PLUGGING ALL SITE ACCESS FOR SO LONG NOW I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO BUY A MEMBERSHIP AND CHECK IT OUT FOR MYSELF! WHY THE FUCK DID I WAIT SO LONG? THIS SHIT IS AWESOME! CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT OUT!

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that chance!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course, the brother replied. "Do you know how much stuff a million dollars could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

click here for more

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - THERE IS NO CATCH! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or tonnes of junk mail or anything else you don;t want.

It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you click click here and try it!? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams plus a whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

READER MAIL
I would have thought in these times of digital camera's and office Christmas parties, Reader Mail would be chock-full of incriminating photos poking fun at work mates who have gone to great lengths to make fools of themselves yet sadly, you, the internet community have failed me! Anyway, if you've got something you'd like to see on the site, an interesting story to share or have simply been awaiting the opportune moment to tell me to go fall off a cliff, you may do so here.

loo magee wrote:
Subject: Real Life Joe Dirt Truth
Hey orsm, Just like to say this is the best site in the world. Just thought youd liek to know that the "The Real Joe Dirt" Clip you posted this week is a fake. Phil Henery is a radio host out in LA and his show his fuckin hilarious. THis is because he does multiple voices and POSES as these callers making crazy statements. Only his common listerners know this, so when he gets people that are flipping through the radio, he gets real callers calling in IRATE and PISSED at what these "characters" are saying. He does everything from this guys vvoice to a woman's voice. Just thoughtd youd like to know.

Dave wrote:
Subject: Aberdeen, Scotland, Telephone Message
Orsm, Great Site, I like to dip in when I can. I was blown away when I saw you had telephone messages from Aberdeen, Scotland and I knew they were genuine when they were entitled Northfield. Yes, I was brought up in Northfield, Aberdeen, Scotland and I think it's fair to say that there are more than a few women who fit the description of the caller. Indeed, I lived next door to one for over 10 years. Nice as nine-pence when sober and a total pest with a drink in. I know that's not my ex-neighbour because she died a couple of years ago. I'd say, judging by the accent, the caller originally comes from a different part of Scotland, but these mental women can be found in all parts of Scotland. She obviously got 1 digit wrong, be it the STD (Standard Trunk Dialing rather Sexually Transmitted Disease) code or the local number. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that this clip, to my mind, was definitely genuine, and perhaps a bit mild compared to some of the stuff I heard from my ex-neighbour during my formative years.

muppet fucker wrote:
Subject: ok, you've lost a fan....
I've been a fan of your site for the past couple of years but its time to remove you from my favorites folder. The Bush/Nazi picture created by Phil is so fuckin disrespectful. I'm a american and i'm jewish and i know the history well from my older relatives about the Nazis, not just the bullshit from history books. And i know plenty of people hate Bush and thats all fine and good but comparing the two is so fucked. I'm sure you won't remove the picture so i'll just tell you to go fuck yourself from here.

Lee Smith wrote:
Subject: help
hi orsm. luv the site visit every week. i'm e-mailing cause i need some help. i'm a Psychology student from England and for my final unit of the course i am writing a thesis on the reactions of the human mined when viewing child pornography. for this experiment to succeed i need images and if possible videos of the aforementioned pornography. i'm asking you along with many other people as you may have come across this material in your line of work. if so could you send them to this e-mail address. thank you for reading this e- mail.

Idiot. -Orsm

Kenny wrote:
Subject: Greetings
Mr Awesome ( American Pronunciation ). You are indeed that - I have enjoyed your website for some time now and I have enjoyed it immensely - you have done well for yourself, my boy - keep up the good work - I am from the state of Pennsylvania in the U.S. - have a great Holiday season - I feel the same way you do about the ' family gathering ' thing - I feel as I get older I am becoming more hermetic - take care, my friend.

John wrote:
Subject: a classic "what's that song on that vid?" email.
Hey there Orsm. You posted a link last week, featuring a dancing anime girl and I was wondering what the song in the video was. Trust me, I tried my best not to email you and waste your time. I even tried searching by lyrics with the help of this useful site, but no luck.

Anyone know it? -Orsm

Thatmosis wrote:
Subject: shit stirring
Hi Orsm, Been known to do a bit of shit stirring in my day, keeps one feeling alive and the brain ticking over. Shit stir for today- Its happened again, another Soapy Star???(Tammin Sursok) has become a Pop Star???, not only does she sound like all the other singers (and I use the term lightly) in todays pop charts but you can guess her life from now on:

1. She will continue to bring out songs that sound the same.
2. She will show more and more tits and arse to sell her records. ( good for us)
3. She will find the love of her life and tell the world through the Women's mags
4. The love of her life will jilt her and she will be on the verge of breaking down and will tell the world through the Women's mags.
5. Within a week she will have found a new love of her life and everything will be rosy again and tell the world through the Women's mags.
6. She will have : a. an eating disorder, b. plastic surgery, c.a life threatening disease. and tell the world through the Women's mags.
7. She will release a range of exclusive lingerie.
8. And she will still sound like all the other "singers" around today.

And another thing, have a look at what the "moral majority" is doing in the land of the free, no more theory of evolution is to be taught in their schools only Creationism. 65% 0f Americans believe that the world is only 10,000 years old. Welcome to the new Dark Ages.

Iain Price wrote:
Subject: CATASTROPHE - The most disturbing image of 2004
CATASTROPHE - The most disturbing image of 2004. I am choked up with emotion... let the picture speak for itself.

It's a sad, sad day. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Druss wrote:
Subject: tasteless
Love the site man, best thing on the web. Livens up an otherwise boring day. Keep up the good work. Hope you like the pic I attached! It's funny and tasteless

That's pretty wrong. -Orsm

click to enlarge