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July 2006...
 
orsmupdate 2006.07.27-21.52
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Welcome to Orsm.net. Go sell crazy some place else.

So how the hucking fell are all you guys this week? Moi - I'm happy to say that no one's particularly bugged me more than usual and threats of physical harm from admirers were down to two... or was it three?

I do have plenty to complain about though and I think I have every right to! Why? In the last two weeks I have been absolutely slaughtered with bills like you wouldn't believe. Everything came at once! Council rates, water rates, car rego, house insurance, phone bill, mobile bill, electricity bill, water bill and a nice little vet bill. I've forgotten some here but can't think what they were. Could definitely be time to fill out one of those damn credit card signup forms that seem to come daily in the mail though...

Now for 'my' week in review... that's the only reason anyone comes here... right?

Last Friday started off like any other. The usual early wakeup followed by a quick trip past the computer to make sure the world was still there, a disgustingly hot shower to shake off the morning cold, then an extremely strong coffee to make sure I was awake. After that it was off out into the 'real world' for a few hours so I could run some errands. I live life on the edge...

When I finally got home I decided it was time to tackle the mountain of papers on my desk that seem to multiply all by themselves. Never have I seen such a collection of bills, junk mail, invoices, receipts, envelopes and random other crap. Anyway one of the more important was a reminder from the vet saying dog needed her vaccination shots... of course it was a few months old which meant she was about six weeks late. So after apologizing to her I guiltily jumped on the phone and booked her in for later that afternoon.

Before the appointment I spent a few minutes playing with her at the park to tire her out and discovered a pea-sized lump on her thigh. Good timing but not good and even kind of scary... so off to the Vet we went. His first reaction was that it would be either a cyst or tumor. He also had a look at her ears which have been bugging her. By the end of it she was booked in for Tuesday to have the lump from her leg removed, a small lump on the top of her head checked and ears flushed out. Full service with comprehensive 126 point safety check...

click here for more

Saturday is hardly worth mentioning and was just a long and arduous continuation of the previous day tackling my papers with a football game that left me feeling somewhat defeated mixed in there. I was stuck inside all day and didn't manage to get completely finished until around 9pm that night. How fucking boring. If you're looking for the worst possible way to spend a Saturday then I highly recommend giving this a try.

I woke up Sunday with absolutely nothing to do... rather, nothing I was prepared to do. There's always about ten million niggling things to fix or whatever around here but nothing crucial. Kind of odd really and I actually found it a bit disconcerting so after much procrastinating and deliberation I eventually settled on lawn-mowage and gardening. Admittedly it could have been a lot worse but I was graced with drop-ins from family and friends throughout the day which made it fly.

Tuesday, as I mentioned above, was doggy operation day. Had to be up bright and [far too early] to drop her off which I didn't really enjoy but we made it with time to spare and said our goodbyes. I'm usually pretty good with such things but it was the most stressed and worried that I've been in a long, long time. What if the lumps ARE tumors? Is the Vet any good? Can I trust them to look after her properly? What if something goes wrong? Is she okay? And so on...

I had to pick her up at 5.30pm and I was there on the dot. It ended up that the lumps were dermal cysts. Apparently nothing too much to worry about and the rather large patches of hair they shaved to slice them out will grow back. The only concern is her left ear which has a perforated ear drum. "How the f...?" I asked. Seems that the dog which attacked her [right on that ear] a few months ago is most likely responsible but it should repair itself with the massive dose of antibiotics I'm currently force feeding her.

Anyway I think that's enough dribbling about my shit and we should get on with the update but before that happens I would like to steer you guys towards the updated comics section [starting here] and the updated chicks & stuff [starting here].

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

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Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Drunk Girls Kissing - Ready For Sex? - Awesome Game - Dumbass - Drew Barrymore - Party Sluts - Uma's Boobs

Geek Babes - RateMyPix! - Tasty Cam Chick - Blonde Godess - Fight!!! - Perfect Bod - Foamy Mexico

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Charles, you know that fur coat you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it with the insurance money." She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes and then said, "Charles, remember that new car you promised me and never bought? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, that emerald necklace you promised me and never bought? Well, I bought it that with the insurance money too!" Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes!"

click here for more

A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway. " The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

"Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a development that is currently being built near your home and what are the advantages of this new development" says the teacher.

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes. Teacher: "Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom." Everybody agrees to this plan.

The next day in class the teacher begins: "Is everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita." "Near my home a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very good Anita! Suzie - you're next"

Suzie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him to work near home." Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Suzie!"

At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new development is being built near your home." Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel." As planned, all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny says, "Hey relax sluts, it hasn't opened yet!"

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The Pope was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatred between the Celtic and English rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies: "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

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Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Let's clear my inbox shall we? Probably the best idea I've had all week because you guys have been so keen to swamp it! There have been some kick ass submissions too and as always it was hard task deciding what was going to make the cut.

Anyway if you'd like to contribute to Reader Mail and fuel the insanity then we are always happy to receive the good things in life - naked ex-girlfriend pictures, videos of you and your mates doing stupid things, jokes, opinions, criticism or whatever else you've got. In other words absolutely anything you can attach to an email and send my way! All you gotta do is click here to make the magic happen!

jake murray wrote:
Subject: emo video
ahh gday there mr not so orsm anymore, i am writing to you to complain about the emo video shown on your website, waht you dont realise (whoever made this video) is that emo was once a style of music and has now turned into a stupod trend that some people think is cool and the haircuts shown etc. really dont have that much to do with being emo and the music you are playing with this video does not match the people you are showing at all as you have shown the emo punkers that think there haircuts are cool, they are not emo at all amo has become so commercial its unbelieveable and if you realised what emo actually meant you would not host such a thing on your site, everyone taht gives emos shit knows nothing so get a life and you can go impale yourself on big fat penis catcha later. P.S. I did like your site but this has dissapointed me im not happy, people need to realise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude dont cry about it. No need to get a bad haircut and pretend to slit your wrists or anything. -Orsm

click to watch video

t3hrunn1ngm4n wrote:
Subject: Emo Plague
Hey man, I'm an awe inspire fan of the site. Rock on. But I just wanted to say I know of the guys in the Emo Plague video, the one you have as your thumbnail, with the surface of mars looking face and the lip piercing with the lack of chin looking guy. His name is Brian and he takes up the name "A Monster God" on MySpace.. he's a lame ass street living drug dealing tattoo artist... He once lived with his so called friend Dani (she's a nice girl) and he invited some friends over that ended up stealing from them for him, and he took some things with him. Not only that he got a some of my friends to become tweekers for a while... And he was arrested once for possesion of child pornogoraphy. But general discussion of this guy in my parts always involves swearing... no one likes him. The guy through a litre glass bottle of juice on my nuts man, I wanted to barf.... Anyway, look him up. Bash him or something. He lives in Torrance, CA, in Los Angeles! in the shitty ol USA..... So yeah. Awesome site.

Benji wrote:
Subject: demolish
Dear Mr orsm, I think I did actually figure out a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon, watching Collingwood demolish the eagles while surrounded by all your eagle supporter mates. It just made the beer, bbq and the sunshine that much better.

Recieved a few of these... guess I had it coming to me... -Orsm

Rhett wrote:
Subject: dirty girl
The dude who sent in the video of the chick he "met from the net" firsty has no proof it was a chick, all i can see is one ugly arse being pounded and secondly, for someone trying to make money by encouraging people to meet women from the net to fuck shouldnt he also encourage the pratice of safe sex so as to keep his clients ALIVE and DISEASE FREE???? Ps love the site, cant wait to travel WA, its on my list of things to do I promise!!!

FOXHOLE wrote:
Subject: Brutally Bashed
G'day mate, A couple of updates ago you showed a clip named "brutallybashed" which showed 3 "FUCKWIT SCUM" randomly and brutally assault 2 "innocent" victims outside of what looked to be a train station... One of the victims appeared to be stabbed. Well, with the shit that is going on in todays society I was disgusted by this and wished to know more about what I had just witnessed and then "POOF!!" in the SUNDAY MAIL was this article and I wanted to share it with you and your readers

click to enlarge

Wayne Just wrote:
Subject: Aussie Spider
I rang my boss today and told him I couldn't come in toady.. Because there was a spider on my car....

Cheers for making me circle my car three times before getting in it now... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex GF
Hi mr orsm, love the site actuall cant stay away from it just though id send some pics of my ex that still sends me pics of her and a couple of the vids are ok enjoy. pls dont post details cheers

Gotta wonder what the hell you were thinking breaking up with her mate...!! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Nat + Mel wrote:
Subject: Hi Orsm!
Hi Orsm! Long time fans of your site, we thought you might like this picture of the cover page of the latest empire magazine. We are avid movie buffs, so we often get this magazine. Included is a close up for you to work out the secret message on this months cover :)

click to enlarge

Josh Walter wrote:
Subject: Gotta love Chicago
Hey man love the site, here is a picture from our most recent adventures in downtown Chicago.

Will make sure to avoid that one... -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Fwd: Revenge pics of Cheating Slut
Hey Mr. Orsm.... Long time viewer/reader here....ever since you started the priceless pics and doing your updates once a month! Anyways, I was browsing a forum I usually visit daily and saw a topic that read: "My wife had series of affairs and ran off with my 2 kids and the damn dog!" Long story short, he fired off an email to a few of the members who wanted to see these revenge pics of this cheating whore. They were then passed along to many people and I ended up getting to view them as well....

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Sirion
Here is what happens when a new Mazda mps gets lent out to a salesman from wanneroo mazda and he over takes and heads on a daihatsu sirion. Everyone walks away.

Ooops... amazing they all walked away though. -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Look no wheels
Did you see the belly landing by an F111 at Amberley (Brisbane) Air Force base last week after the wheel fell off? Want to know where the rogue wheel went? The staff car park (see picture below). Love your work. Cheers.

click for gallery
click for gallery

Steve wrote:
Subject: Hasselhoff
This guy sent this as a serious email to a PR company in Belfast!! Just look at the pix of him, hilarious!!

Dear "Stakeholdergroup", After having my eyes lasered a month ago I've been mobbed by people in Belfast asking to have their photographs taken with me because I look like David Hasselhoff and I reckon that I could use this unusual talent for PR events. I live in East Belfast, so its pretty easy for me to turn up to local events. My telephone number is 07866 411 144. I have a degree in Business Studies too that specialised in Marketing, so I might be able to help you in other ways. Please tell me your thoughts. Many thanks, Magnus Ramsay

Clint wrote:
Subject: 1/8 scale turbine B-52
Saw the video last update of a R/C jet, powered by a mini turbine engine, and reminded me of another model I saw some time ago, didnt take much to find it again, 1/8th scale B-52 with 8 of thoes turbine engines powering it. Some pretty crazy stuff. Theres also more video of it smashing into the ground.

click to watch video

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: more room clearing.
Hey Orsm, This week I've sent you more training footage. This is a clip of us clearing multiple rooms. I breach the door lock with a live shotgun shell with a light load, hence the low level noise from the shot. We cleared 5 rooms in under 50 seconds. Ill have more for you next week.

click to watch video

Paul wrote:
Subject: Girlfriend PORN
Hi. Great site n all that, top entertainment for us at work. Here's a vid of my girlie, hope u like. Oh yeah, any requests welcome

click to watch video

Freddie wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend, Dildo in both holes action..
A video of a girl from the Hillsborough College in Sheffield England sent to her boyfriend, and then they split up... So he did what any law abiding male should do, and sent it via bluetooth to everyone! She's hot.

Umm... WOW! -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

ORSM VIDEO

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No... I'm your son's math teacher."

click here for more

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

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NEED ADVICE? MAYBE ABBY CAN HELP... OR NOT...

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex, and he IS a doctor. Now what do I do?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE GUYS?

Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged

Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged - Donged

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This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try.

She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."

He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.

First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's.

After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the colour of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.

With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "What the fuck was in that?" She whispers in his ear... "It's called Blowjob revenge

ORSM VIDEO

Okay done. Finished.

If you're still bored then make sure you check out the site archives. They're chock-full of enough to keep you busy into the next decade. Trust me... people have entered the archives for a quick look around and never been heard from again. True story.

If you're new to these parts and wondering when there will be a whole new update then Thursday is the day... as a matter of fact every Thursday is the day. Tell or your friends to check out ORSM-DOT-NET or prepare to be smited.

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and stay out of the rain. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.07.20-21.59
click here for more

Welcome to Orsm.net. Sucked in, loser.

Let me start how I always do and ask how the hell is everyone this week? Me, as always I am fan-fucking-tastic and just happy to be bringing you guys update 29 for 2006.

Imagine for a minute if you will there is a fire and I tell you not to stand too close incase you get burnt however you decide to completely ignore me and go stand right next to it. Suddenly someone throws petrol on the fire and before you know it the fire has grown out of control and you're in serious danger of getting very badly burnt or maybe even killed. So what do you do? You blame me of course! I told you to stay away, you ignored me, yet it's all my fault that you're in danger!

Now can anyone tell me what this little analogy reminds you of? If you guessed Australians complaining that the Aussie government is doing nothing to help them flee Lebanon then you'd be 100% right!

With the lead story of every news bulletin for the last week or so telling us the bleeding heart story of Australians 'trapped' in the middle east it absolutely mystifies me how they have the gaul to complain. How come they are there in the first place? Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't there [and haven't there always been] travel alerts issued by the government stating that it was potentially unsafe to travel the region? Now the shit has hit the fan and suddenly it's the Australian government's problem.

I don't for a second think that any of the people stranded in the middle of a war zone are enjoying themselves and I'm not trying to sound like a heartless prick here because I would probably be freaking out if it were me but are these people for real? I'm all for sending in the cavalry to go get them but perhaps they should remember who fucked up and take responsibility for their actions.

click here for more

Anyway enough with the social commentary and on with the tale of my life for the last week... Saturday started off how you hope a weekend never will by spending several hours working. After that I decided I needed a DVD to watch so I went off to find one. After about an hour of seen it, no, as if and maybe I settled on the $6 special - Don't Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead. Yes, I love the old ones...

After that a venue change was made where I ran into some friends and continued on. Before long I had conned them into helping me in my long running search for new sunglasses. Literally five minutes later the search was over.

I've always had this thing about shopping for glasses and shoes by myself. I try and try but just can't manage do it so I usually end up procrastinating myself into giving up. The last time I bought shoes was over 18 months ago; sunglasses more than 3 years. I think it's something to do with needing reassurance that I'm not going to look like a complete retard... actually a lot easier [or is it harder?] than it sounds...

Sunday was pretty unexciting. After several drop-ins from various family and friends throughout the day I set about cleaning my pigsty of a house and believe me when I say there was plenty to do. Incidentally can someone please explain to me how in the middle of winter my overgrown mutt can shed almost as much hair as she does during summer? This dog is a mobile hair making machine.

This weekend... not a whole lot planned except for Saturday. The footy starts at lunchtime so a few of us are getting together for some beers and a barbeque to watch West Coast demolish Collingwood. Seriously if there is a better way to spend a Saturday I'm yet to figure it out...

Before I get crackin' with this bad boy you guys may be interested in checking out what I've been busy doing. First up there are four new comic galleries [starting here] and secondly Chicks & Stuff has had a massive update [starting here]. There's enough there to keep you guys busy for weeks.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Caught Naked! - Bravado - Awesome Game - Freakout - RateMyPix! - Blind Date - Ooops - Valentina - Train Porn

Seducing J-Lo - Tara Reid Bikini - Tasered - Foamy Fortunes - Team Whitey - Britney - Get Fisted - Decorated

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"

GLAMOUR BLONDE

Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria

Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria

click here for more

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.

As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.

The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

ORSM VIDEO

A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request. Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way".

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood.

The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
After a rather inflammatory email last week regarding the Italians and the World Cup there were a crapload of replies from you guys. So many intact that I had no choice but to fire up the Overflow. You can find it here along with a whole bunch of other email I couldn't squeeze into my updates over the last few months.

Wanna contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff perused by a few hundred thousand people? We are always more than happy to receive absolutely anything you wanna send! Funny videos, naked pics of your ex or current girlfriend, jokes or practically anything else you can attach to an email are all welcome... all you must do is click here and make the magic happen.

Troy wrote:
Subject: Gay bottleshop
Found this drive-thru on Chapel St, wouldn't recommend going there unless it's your cup of tea...

Absolute fucking classic. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: shoot me.
heres us playn sill buggers while training.. stick it in random shite if you like. ill have some more video for you in a few days. just let me know if you get sick of seeing us shoot at shit.

Keep it coming! More from Rev and the boys the site archives. -Orsm

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: 1 arm bike rider
Hey Bud top site blah blah - took this at a recent Ride Day at Eastern Creek - this guy was cranking around the track and I didn't realise his what made him special till I was going through my pics.

I can't help wondering where and how he lost his arm... -Orsm

click to enlarge

James wrote:
Subject: Yo Mr Orsm!
Here's a pic for you, from Tulsa Oklahoma. Me and my running crew are big fans of the site. We went out on the town a few nights ago, and winded up getting pretty hammered. My buddy decided to change the sign around outside the strip club we were chillin' at. Needless to say, we thought it was hysterical. He took a pic with his cell phone. God bless modern technology. This is not photo-shopped ;o) That's my boy Stu standing next to the sign.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: The New Shag
Hows it goin Mr.Orsm, I ges im like everyone else, long time viewer, 1st time emailer. I met this girl on Wednesday in a rock club, we shared a kiss n all that stuff then she had to go home, after being denied the adult hugs i was gutted. Later i get a text sayin, "im sorry u cant cum 2nite, but if u wona meet on sat im more than up4it, heres sum pics to keep u goin until then".....All i can say is, YEH BABY!!!!!!! Hope u enjoy them as much as i have....

click for gallery

wes wrote:
Subject: Redneck car jack
Hiya ORSM, I've been all through your site, archives too. What a waste of time... (not mine, just those who waited for me!) Never had anything to send until today as the wife and I took a drive through the mountains of Virginia and came upon this broken down car with the orange state police tow sticker on it, glad I got there with my camera before they towed it! I'm glad the rednecks and hillbillys didn't catch me either! We love what ya do so do it to it always! wes

click for gallery

sara wrote:
Subject: pics
my husband says he doesnt look at your site anymore now that we're married, so i thought id send a couple photos of myself to see if he's as honest as he says he is. hope you enjoy!

They some big boobies... -Orsm

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics of my wife
Hi Folks, great site! I've attached some pics , that you might show on your site . Just call it "wife enjoying her best friend". I hope they are worse to post ! Please do not show my e-mail adress or any other details.

click for gallery

Cam wrote:
Subject: dirty girl
Hey Mr Orsm. Here's a little movie of me and a chick I met on an adult personals site. I picked her up in two days using my special tactics, which I've put in a little ebook so other guys can get the same. I'm just an ordinary bloke, but I know how to land 'em and fuck 'em! You can learn it all at contacttoday.com. Happy to send more pics and movies if you like!

click to watch video

Shane wrote:
Subject: the geegee's
Hey Orsm, Found another funny you might like to share with the world... Race 3 # 11 and 12 lol

File requires a PDF viewer which you can find here for free. -Orsm

click to view pdf

Monty Chapman wrote:
Subject: dukes of haggard 3
heres another dukes of haggard film for you all, i hope you enjoy it. These vidoes are filmed at Reece high school in devonport tasmania.

The Dukes are back... -Orsm

click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Submission for the site - chick getting boned at a pool party
My friend throws some crazy house parties where these women always show up ready and willing. It is amazing what some of these girls will do when about 20 guys are around and you get them a little drunk.

The guy on the floaty thing kind of freaked me out... was he trying to get in there or what...? -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." And the old man said: "You thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but I was wrong."

ORSM VIDEO

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall. He called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect it to be completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the new mural. To his surprise, what he found was a painting of a cow with a halo, surrounded by hundreds of Indians in various stages and positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you asked for." said the artist smugly. "No. I didn't ask for pornographic filth! What I asked for was your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind!" "And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it 'Holy Cow! Look at all those fucking Indians!'"

click here for more

An Aussie was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings

FUCK ALL THE REST AND GET READY FOR THE MOST PORN YOU'VE EVER SEEN!! YOU'LL GET FULL UNLIMITED, UNCENSORED ACCESS TO OVER 50,000 ORIGINAL DOWNLOADABLE PORN MOVIES AND EVEN MORE PICS! CLICK HERE TO CHECK IT!

RANDOM SHITE
Definitely nothing unsavoury or disturbing in this weeks RS. Honestly. Do you think I would do that to you guys? Just click the link to the first pic and you will see I am telling the truth...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

25 WAYS TO IMPRESS YOUR GIRL

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really, really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for pussy's and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words fcuk you and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop b*tching about the cold right now you're going to be b*tching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.

22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

23. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.

25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny.

click here for more

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'. The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell!"

click here for more

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!! YOUR PENIS WILL FUCKING LOVE IT!

Well folks that's it for another week. If I've managed to keep you away from whatever else it is that you're supposed to be doing then my work here is done.

In case you were left wanting more then please do yourself a favour and have a surf through the site archives. Every single update going back to 2000 is safely tucked away waiting for you to come visit. As for when I will return with a new update then Thursday is the day!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's, don't drink and drive unless you enjoy destroying your car and those of others, being charged by the police, losing a lucrative contract and destroying your career in the process. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.07.13-23.12
click here for more

Welcome to Orsm.net. Got Cheese?

Howdy folks! How the hell are you all this week? Me, I'm good. Fucking cold but good.

More car issues again. Well... that's not quite accurate. You may remember me mentioning the incessant ringing noise that was coming from my brakes a while back and that the guys who usually service my car couldn't work it out because they suck at being mechanics. Anyway, it's been driving me fucking insane to the point where I've been less inclined to drive the car so after a couple of months hoping it would magically rectify itself I bit the bullet and booked the car into a brake specialist.

To be honest I was skeptical. After spending the last three and a half years receiving substandard service I wasn't expecting much so when the phone rang and the guy spent a good ten minutes answering all my questions and giving me all the options I was shocked. Could this really be good customer service? Somewhere they don't treat you like a retard? Surprisingly yes! Just a shame they don't do servicing...

The past weekend was one big gardening fest. I made sure to get a relatively early Friday so I could handle an early-ish start the next morning and buy the time 8.30am rolled around I was outside and ready to get cracking. Pretty much all I needed to get done was the weeding in the front garden so I could take advantage of my neighbours offer to remove all the waste to the rubbish tip but some time on Friday he informed me that there was plenty of room for extra. "Oh really...?" I said...

With that knowledge in hand I decided to go a little nuts. The axe came out, the saw, the hedge trimmer, shovels, lawn mower - everything - and then the butchering of my garden began. By the time 6pm hit it was dark, I was absolutely stuffed and it was time call it a day.

click here for more

I woke up Sunday morning not quite as keen as the day before although despite the overnight rain it was as close to a perfect winter day as you could get. The day's activities were almost entirely centred around the front garden I had not managed to get to on Saturday. Again I worked until nightfall but by the time I finally finished the place was starting to look just about spectacular.

Now with two solid days dedicated to gardening you might expect everything to be all good for at least the rest of winter but not this damn place. There's an entire huge patch of garden at the very back which I have been putting off tending for many, many months. The reason for this is not only because it's so overgrown I won't be able to fit all the waste in the bin or that there really is better things in life than weeding and pruning... its more to do with the fact that my dog takes a big steaming dump there twice a day and you literally cannot get a foot in without stepping in shit. That said, the longer I leave it the worse the situation becomes and it's I'm only just delaying the inevitable.

As the weekend approaches I'm starting to realise the prospect of some quiet relaxation time is rapidly diminishing. At the top of my activity list is grocery shopping. After being carless for a day and a half this week with no food in the house I was left hungrier than a dyke at a carpet sale. After that there's the prospect of lawn bowls to celebrate my sisters boyfriends birthday followed by an evening on the town for some 'quiet' drinks.

As I was saying above there is still plenty-o-gardening to be done around here so at this stage my Sunday in spoken for... unless the heavens should open and rain should pour downward. Now that would be a tragedy...

Before I get on with the update just a quick note that I have been busy updating the Comics section. There are four new galleries starting here.

The Napster Of Porn - Nancy Hall at FreePorn-Resource.com has been fighting for a free adult internet since 1999. As featured on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if they use her free adult comsumer resource.

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Jessica Alba Naked - Orgasmo - Suck Me! - Spectacular Ass - Paris's Pussy - Eat Shit! - Open Wide - Go Gran

Urban Ninja II - Sophie Monk - Crackwhore - RateMyPix! - Foamy: Words - Adriana Lima - WC Babes

Little Johnny goes into the kitchen and says to his mum "Why is Granma lying asleep on the sofa naked with a prawn between her legs?" His now shocked mother says "Err... what did you say?" Johnny again says "Why is Granma lying asleep on the sofa with a prawn between her legs?" Curious she goes and takes a look and finds nana asleep on the sofa naked. She says to Johnny "that's not a PRAWN! It's a clitoris!" Johnny says "Well it sure tastes like a prawn..."
--
Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head butted to death in a French football stars apartment... Police said it was murder on Zidane's floor.

click here for more

A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

"In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair... given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah, Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

click here for more

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini..." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
Nothing but quality for this weeks Reader Mail. You guys actually managed to kill my Outlook again too - I was wondering why my computer slowed to a crawl for no apparent reason until I realised this happened last time there was ten thousand emails sitting in my deleted items folder.

Anyway if you would like to contribute to Reader Mail and have your stuff viewed by millions then we are always more than happy to receive absolutely anything you wanna send! Funny videos, naked pics of your ex or current girlfriend, jokes or practically anything else you can attach to an email are all welcome... all you must do is click here and make the magic happen.

trless wrote:
Subject: Italian soccer?
Ok, mr. ORSM, on last update I've seen again a video against Italian soccer... So I think you're burning for our victory against your soccer team (not even in a dream Australia could defeat Italy!!!!ahahaah!) I really laugh a lot seeing people like you that does not admit AN IMPORTANT FACT: WE ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS, LEARN FROM OUR SOCCER AND EAT OUR SHIT, LOSERS!!!! AHAHAH!

Hah very funny! Replies to this should be good. -Orsm

Gritter wrote:
Subject: Hello mister orsm
Been fan to the site for allmost 4 years now and finally got something to share with u. Me and couple mates were visiting Bulgaria two weeks ago and looki looki what we found there, im not sure what lambo this is but mebbe someone wiser will tell.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: hat at Crazy Clarks
WTF?? spotted this in crazy clarkes... obviously the Chinaman that made this hat has no aspirations to go to the United State s

click to enlarge

Will wrote:
Subject: London Underground
Hey Mr. Orsm, Long-time Fan! Here is a photo I took on my last visit to London, the authorities had originally announced it as a "Customer Incident" All the Best.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: A sign
Hello, Mr. Orsm. Here you have an interesting sign somenone saw in Terrassa, a village in Cataluña, Spain. It is from an industrial hotel bussines. I hope you like it. Love your site.

click to enlarge

John Donald wrote:
Subject: $4.65 gas! But it's FULL SERVICE
My brother feels that it's his civic duty to help support "local" business owners. He paid $4.65 per gallon for gas yesterday at one of the corner gas stations in his home town. They have been feeling the pinch lately as many of their patrons aren't driving as much as they used to. So they decided to go to full service to both entice new customers and to bring old customers in more frequently. He needed 10 gallons; so to ease the pain, he went in ten times and bought one gallon each time. Somehow the high prices didn't seem to matter as much that way.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: foam party
Hey Orsm, here are some pics from my first ever foam party, i figure the greek isles was as good as any place to bust my cherry, wish i had more pics but I wasnt gunna waste time taking photos of shit when I could be getting amongst it...sure you understand :)

click for gallery

JOSE wrote:
Subject: nice girl!!!
Love your site, i take a look every week and gets better and better, this is a girl i fuck, she is amazing, i take the photos with my telephone so they are not to clear, but its better than nothing, please dont show my e mail adress

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: amateur phots - military
Here's three photos of two of our newest army girls in their different uniforms. Love the website.

click for gallery

<with held> wrote:
Subject: USGP at Indianapolis
Greetings from Michigan, USA. Long time listener, first time caller. Great site, look forward to it every week. Some photos from the US Grand Prix at Indianapolis last weekend. Nice to see more than 6 cars took the start this year! No details please.

click for gallery

Rev Mayers wrote:
Subject: Breach Bang and Clear.
Hey Orsm, im back with more firearm fun... heres us in a standard 3 man entry, room clear excercise. complete with flashbang.

click to watch video

Simon wrote:
Subject: ENGLAND'S WORLD CUP HIGHLGHTS
One for all the Aussie sports fans out there!

File require Powerpoint to view. Download here if you don't have it. -Orsm

this file require powerpoint

Johno wrote:
Subject: Some Cool Videos for the site
Hi ORSM, dude I have been a big fan of the site since it was hosted on iinet, and have wanted to send you some cool shit for years and finally, I found these vids. They are from a company called "it fly's" and they make lots of really cool helium filled balloons that cost around £60,000 ($120,000aud). a bit on the expensive side but its worth it to see the look on peoples faces... prycless

click to watch video click to watch video

Ashley Wright wrote:
Subject: Eatin a moth!!
Hey Mr ORSM, long time reader, 1st time emailer.. a vid of ma drunk mate eating a moth, thought ya might wanna use it after seein people eatin grubs on yr site. Keep the cool shit comin .. you rock!!

click to watch video

daffyc wrote:
Subject: 4th of July Sparks!
I thought you might like a little flare. I lit 2 packages of sparklers (20) all at once. A little burnt around the edges but it was most enlightening.

click to watch video

Scrapedog wrote:
Subject: Crazy Bunbury bitch
I got this off a mates phone on the weekend. The story goes it was taken in Bunbury by some mates of his not long ago. This is one crazy bitch. All I can say is there must be some mad arse drugs out there... Oh yeh, from me and my friends here in Perth - your site rocks.

Typical Bunno chick... -Orsm

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the BIG MONEY, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic "What did he say?" He said "Try to do it when the engine is running".

ORSM VIDEO

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, the Aussie Prime Minister, John Howard, ardent royalist and general ass kisser, turned to the Queen and said, "As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom." The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Howard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

John Howard thought a while and then said, "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince--and you're not a Prince, Mr. Howard."

Howard thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied, "Sorry again, Mr. Howard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor."

Before Howard could utter another word, The Queen said, "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

click here for more

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?!" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes."

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The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor." She says, "Why, are you sick?" He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat. He says, "Where the hell are you going"? She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He says, "Why, what do you need?" She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

click here for more

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Larry is recovering at the Hospital.

ORSM VIDEO

Well girls and boys that's all from me. As much as I love cranking out updates I'd be lying if I said I wasn't glad this one is over - I'm tired and desperately in need of dinner.

If you've been left craving more then I can highly recommend surfing through the Orsm Archives. You'll find every single update going back almost 6 years! More than enough to keep you busy for a long, long time. If you still need more to keep you occupied then pick up the phone, write and email, make a sign or stage a public demonstration telling the world about ORSM-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and rug up, bitch. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2006.07.06-22.11
click here for more

Welcome to Orsm.net. I am NOT passive aggressive.

As tempting as it is for me to start this update wondering where the hell this year has gone I'm not going to. I mean its not as if 2006 is already half over and it's not as if the solstice has passed and the days are getting longer. Nup no chance...

I occurred to me the other day that I've now been in this place for just over a year and again I don't want to ask where the hell it's gone but seriously where the hell has it gone? I think the busier you keep yourself, the more the days just meld into one long one and this year has probably been my busiest ever.

The last week or so has been an erratic one and whilst it didn't involve too much activity on the social front it did see a vast majority of time spent staring bleary eyed into my computer screen... we seem to spend so much time together I'm even thinking of proposing.

Last weekend began with a going away party for a mate. Wasn't all that bad except for the fact I knew all of four people there and couldn't be bothered making new friends.

I woke up Saturday morning amped to do stuff which would have been all good except there was absolutely nothing on the agenda. After spending a couple of hours on the phone to various family members discussing the recent family events [the story of which I will leave for another day] I eventually settled on organising my photo's.

Over the years I've managed to amass a rather large collection of various things and events including birthdays, barbecues, engagements, weddings, parties, my car, house, friends, family and dog. All up there was around 1500 images which I painstakingly sorted, grouped and added to a private photo site I set up a few months ago. I'm glad I finally did it too - for so long it was one of those things you never seem to get around to but now - hopefully - they will be there forever.

I don't know what it is about winter but I always need more sleep than I do during the warmer months... or at least that's my excuse for sleeping in lately and coincidentally how Sunday started. When I finally did get up I headed for the parentals to pick up dog who was on another one of her weekend vacations away from me. After that it was a quick trip to my grandmothers for an even quicker hello then home to finish what I h'd attempted to start the day before and get the house clean. It was a slow process that was interrupted for a few hours with the football.

So as not to waste this weekend I have decided its time to attack the garden again. I'm sort of without a choice here after a knock at the door from my old neighbour earlier this week generously offering to cut my rose bushes back seems to have committed me to pruning lessons. He even made a start yesterday and has already done half of them.

This got me thinking... did he offer because my unkempt, overgrown, weed-ridden front yard was bugging the shit out of him or because he genuinely wanted to help me out? If it were anyone else I would probably be sceptical but maybe love thy neighbour still actually exists...

How long have I been promoting Newbie Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want to see and interact with real babes then Newbie Nudes is the place to be! Check it now!

Don't even think about paying for porn on the net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn? Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us who get it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and accept paying for porn the less free porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!

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I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Erotic Dancer - Webcam Godess - Awesome Game - Cum On Eileen - I Quit! - Can't Blame Him - Tasty Teen

Pornstar Girlfriend - Urban Ninja II - Lohan Bikini - Heather Graham - Stunt Postie - Mini-Bikers - Kimmel Attacked

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

THE MARVEL THAT IS...

Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria

Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria - Maria

click here for more

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also, and bring your family, too."

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

ORSM VIDEO

I GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FUCKING FANTASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. "

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6" .

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "... and that, Your Honour, is how the girl ended up in my room!"

click here for more

Have you guys checked out MyFreePaysite.com yet? Its the webs only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, stream thousands of DVD-quality full-length adult movies, and even download all the celebrity videos all for free. And all you need is an email address to join! Shit, theyll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

READER MAIL
There have been some fucking fantastic submissions for Reader Mail this week and it just about did my head in trying to whittle the bunch down to a dozen or so and as you will see I didn't quite manage it. I REALLY need to get the Overfow sorted because the backlog of emails is easily enough to start a whole new website with.

Anyway if you would like to contribute and possibly have your works featured on the main page of Orsm.net for all to see then feel free to send in ANYTHING - pics of an ex, pics of your mates doing stupid things, your car, weirdo videos, jokes and pretty much anything you can attach to an email are all welcome. All you must do is click here and send, send, send!

Nunzio Bonsignore wrote:
Subject: Not correct
Hi orsm, I visit your site 2-3 times at week, and I really appreciate it, but in last update I've seen an incorrect "Italian Goalkeeper" video... That crazy man's not italian player! I'm italian, I know very well Buffon, the itlian goalkeeper and, otherwise, players in the video didn't wear italian team colors. I'm sorry for the inglorious victory aganist your team (Austrialia), but that's soccer, and we lose a loooooot of matches in that way!! Bye!

Marten wrote:
Subject: fucking italian
Dear Mr. Orsm, I am a German and saw the Australia game live with a few friends and let me express my deepest sympathies. We, the German people, stand united at your side. Ihr haettet es verdient den World Cup zu gewinnen. Viel Glueck naechstes mal. Please don't show my email - I have many Italians that live near me and I have already had my German and Australian flags stolen. Danke und mach weiter so - die Website ist super.

Rik wrote:
Subject: Dante Wyndam Arthurs
I totally agree with your comments about this cunt, of course his fingerprints would not match, it'd be a complete waste of time if 'a new identity' was traceable back to the person who was being 'protected'....I'd like to know if he has a scouse (Liverpool) accent....?

Mark wrote:
Subject: Re Porsche GT3 photo
Hi Mr orsm, Still loving the site. I'm writing to correct a submission in the June 29 edition. The attached photo has been faked. As a long-time member of the Porsche Car Club of NSW, I've had exposure to GT3s, and I can tell you that I wouldn't like to drive a GT3 at 348 k's with no steering wheel. It's impossible to take a photo like that without getting the wheel in the photo. I know I'm being pedantic but I hate to see errors such as that given validity on the net. And I'm no way blaming you so don't worry about that.

David Parker wrote:
Subject: DBNone
Hi Mr Orsm, love your site, yada yada yada. This guy left his car outside for a few weeks and look what happened. Very uncool number plate so probably deserved it. Hes a Merchant banker (Rhymes with?)

That just hurts to look at. -Orsm

click to enlarge click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Mates Missus
Hey orsm, have been coming to your site for ages, and i love it, its a big hit with my mates over here in NZ. Here is a pic of my mates missus and her friend, going at it for a competition over here!

click to enlarge

Jim wrote:
Subject: my crash
hey mr orsm, just thought id let u see what happened to my car last week..driving to a T intersection and some P plater hit me in the side doing 110... my 180 is a ride off and here are the pics of before and after... cheers

click to enlarge click to enlarge

sam wrote:
Subject: uni chick
i was talking to one of my friends from uni and she sent me this pic of her. enjoy. sam

That's what friends are for... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Josh Barry wrote:
Subject: Funny Photo
Hey mate love the site this is a photo of my mate Shane who spent a bit to long out in the sun. He got home from the beach and did the worst thing possible and had a cold bath, he ended up in hospital. Cheers mate would be cool to post them.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

DacoOchimOnstaa wrote:
Subject: sweedish body painted ladies
whas goin on... showin ya some love from NYCCC!!!!! these pics are from a toshi party nothing but sweedish body painted ladies in skimpy booty shorts who won a competition in sweeden too come here and bartend and give massages... open bar sick music... a lot of drunks falling all over themselves... great party and a great website!!!!! keep doin ya thing mr orsm!!!!

click for gallery

rebecca wrote:
Subject: pictures
i have some pictures of this bitch that .... well... its a long story... but i figured it could go into your priceless area... this girl milena whos an alcoholic got drunk for a few days in a row.... and i took her to a gay bar here in vegas and she got kicked out for taking her shirt off... shes trying to get into modeling now... and she and i are no longer friends and she is terrified of these pics getting out... so heres a few for you to use.

click for gallery

adrian dugo wrote:
Subject: me and 2 mates eating a big grub
me and a few mates went camping and got hungry so starting eating mother natures bugs and grubs heres a few pics love the site its the bomb

click for gallery

gary wrote:
Subject: video for you site
hi hope you like this video of a couple of lesbians who are both 19yo and live in england. i have shown it to all my friends now and i think it is time for the world to see adele.

click to watch vid
<with held> wrote:
Subject: vid 4 yas
doin wifie doggie. no names please. love the site
click to watch video

<with held> wrote:
Subject: 0-220
I know the 6 litre is old news, but they really fast. I got one the other day and tested it out with a mate on the way back to work from lunch. Just entering the freeway, came apon traffic. had to slow down.

Okay the vid is shitty quality but I now know what I want for my next car... -Orsm

click to watch video

Monty Chapman wrote:
Subject: dukes of haggard2
Another video for ya's hope u enjoy, im currently trying to make more footage but its hard when the school has banned you from using their video cameras and you dont have your own. hopefully next week or the week after ill have something to throw your way.

click to watch video
Click for more awesomeness

An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her Husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"? "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

ORSM VIDEO

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a guide dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua???!!!"

click here for more

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed an attractive woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airways slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk." This time the woman turned to him and said, "What the fuck do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Air New Zealand!"

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RANDOM SHITE
The last few RS's have been somewhat on the tame side - nothing overly vulgar or cringe-worthy so you may well be expecting me to change that. I wonder if this is the week? Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it is all on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "But it did happen to me sister."

click here for more

A man on a business trip is looking for a little action. So he picked up a Chinese hooker and took her back to his hotel. While having sex she was screaming OMWA OMWA!! He did not speak Chinese so he kept on going he wanted to get his $3.00 worth.

The next day he chilled out and went for a game of golf with this Chinese worker. He took a big swing and hit the golf ball as hard as he could.

The Chinese man said in a sad voice "OMWA" the guy looked at him strangely and asked: "what does that mean?" The Chinese man then said: "you have got it in the wrong hole"

click here for more

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?" Father Patrick: "$500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"

ORSM VIDEO

Well boys and girls the time has come for me to wind this bad boy up for another week. This labour of love has kept a team of glass-slappers from the local sheltered workshop busy for many, many months so please show your appreciation and tell ALL of your friends, family, co-workers, neighbours and anyone else you come across to check out ORSM-DOT-NET!

Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and remember to chill out - its not the end of the world. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


Click for more awesomeness

 

 

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