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Welcome to Orsm.net. Go sell
crazy some place else.
So how the hucking fell are all
you guys this week? Moi - I'm happy to say that no one's
particularly bugged me more than usual and threats of physical harm
from admirers were down to two... or was it three?
I do have plenty to complain
about though and I think I have every right to! Why? In the last
two weeks I have been absolutely slaughtered with bills like you
wouldn't believe. Everything came at once! Council rates,
water rates, car rego, house insurance, phone bill, mobile bill,
electricity bill, water bill and a nice little vet bill. I've
forgotten some here but can't think what they were. Could
definitely be time to fill out one of those damn credit card signup
forms that seem to come daily in the mail though...
Now for 'my' week in review...
that's the only reason anyone comes here... right?
Last Friday started off like
any other. The usual early wakeup followed by a quick trip past
the computer to make sure the world was still there, a disgustingly
hot shower to shake off the morning cold, then an extremely strong
coffee to make sure I was awake. After that it was off out into
the 'real world' for a few hours so I could run some
errands. I live life on the edge...
When I finally got home I decided
it was time to tackle the mountain of papers on my desk that seem
to multiply all by themselves. Never have I seen such a collection
of bills, junk mail, invoices, receipts, envelopes and random other
crap. Anyway one of the more important was a reminder from the vet
saying dog needed her vaccination shots... of course it was a few
months old which meant she was about six weeks late. So after apologizing
to her I guiltily jumped on the phone and booked her in for later
that afternoon.
Before the appointment I spent
a few minutes playing with her at the park to tire her out and discovered
a pea-sized lump on her thigh. Good timing but not good and even
kind of scary... so off to the Vet we went. His first reaction was
that it would be either a cyst or tumor. He also had a look at her
ears which have been bugging her. By the end of it she was booked
in for Tuesday to have the lump from her leg removed, a small lump
on the top of her head checked and ears flushed out. Full service
with comprehensive 126 point safety check...
Saturday is hardly worth mentioning
and was just a long and arduous continuation of the previous day
tackling my papers with a football game that left me feeling somewhat
defeated mixed in there. I was stuck inside all day and didn't
manage to get completely finished until around 9pm that night. How
fucking boring. If you're looking for the worst possible way
to spend a Saturday then I highly recommend giving this a try.
I woke up Sunday with absolutely
nothing to do... rather, nothing I was prepared to do. There's
always about ten million niggling things to fix or whatever around
here but nothing crucial. Kind of odd really and I actually found
it a bit disconcerting so after much procrastinating and deliberation
I eventually settled on lawn-mowage and gardening. Admittedly it
could have been a lot worse but I was graced with drop-ins from
family and friends throughout the day which made it fly.
Tuesday, as I mentioned above,
was doggy operation day. Had to be up bright and [far too early]
to drop her off which I didn't really enjoy but we made it
with time to spare and said our goodbyes. I'm usually pretty
good with such things but it was the most stressed and worried that
I've been in a long, long time. What if the lumps ARE tumors?
Is the Vet any good? Can I trust them to look after her properly?
What if something goes wrong? Is she okay? And so on...
I had to pick her up at 5.30pm
and I was there on the dot. It ended up that the lumps were dermal
cysts. Apparently nothing too much to worry about and the rather
large patches of hair they shaved to slice them out will grow back.
The only concern is her left ear which has a perforated ear drum.
"How the f...?" I asked. Seems that the dog which attacked
her [right on that ear] a few months ago is most likely responsible
but it should repair itself with the massive dose of antibiotics
I'm currently force feeding her.
Anyway I think that's enough
dribbling about my shit and we should get on with the update but
before that happens I would like to steer you guys towards the updated
comics section [starting
here] and the updated chicks & stuff [starting
here].
How long have I been promoting Newbie
Nudes? Forever! Why? Because it is the fucking best! Believe
it or not there are over 400,000 active users, almost 1 million
photos, and 17,000 videos AND it's growing by the day! So if you
haven't checked out god's greatest gift to the internet and want
to see and interact with real babes then Newbie
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Check it now!
The
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on Howard Stern and featured adult resource on the top major search
engines. Surfers should never have to pay for porn ever again if
they use her free
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Don't even think about paying for porn on the
net! What's the matter with you? Why are all you new surfers on
the net running around with your credit cards and paying for porn?
Don't you see that by paying for porn it ruins it for all of us
who get
it for free? Don't you see that the more people give in and
accept paying for porn the less free
porn we will see on the net? FreePornLessons.com
teaches you the in's and out so check it out now!
I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked
out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't
heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest
sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This
is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics
of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How
does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Drunk
Girls Kissing - Ready
For Sex? - Awesome
Game - Dumbass
- Drew
Barrymore - Party
Sluts - Uma's
Boobs
Geek
Babes - RateMyPix!
- Tasty
Cam Chick - Blonde
Godess - Fight!!!
- Perfect
Bod - Foamy
Mexico
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him
cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he
was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing
her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Charles,
you know that fur coat you promised me and never bought? Well, I
bought it with the insurance money." She paused for a minute
tracing her fingers in the ashes and then said, "Charles, remember
that new car you promised me and never bought? Well, I also bought
it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes
and while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles,
that emerald necklace you promised me and never bought? Well, I
bought it that with the insurance money too!" Finally, still
tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Charles, remember
that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes!"
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A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches
the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would
like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter
says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies
are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just got
8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take
one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well
it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,
"I think my driver will do the job." "The robot caddie
turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver
is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood,
made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet
to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted,
turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said,
"I think this green is gonna break left to right." The
robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this
green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time
the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to
the machine.
He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks
to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His
entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance
of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind
the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated,
"It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very
much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned
to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man
behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf
and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned
to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However,
we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't
their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and
the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the
fairway. " The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just
paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We
did. And then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for
welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."
ORSM
VIDEO
I
GOT MY FLESH LIGHT AND ALL I CAN SAY IS FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!
TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IF YOU LIKE YOUR PENIS THEN YOU WILL LOVE FLESH
LIGHT! YOU WILL BE AMAZED!
"Children, tomorrow I would like you to
give me an example of a development that is currently being built
near your home and what are the advantages of this new development"
says the teacher.
At the end of the class, the teacher asks that
all the little girls remain behind for 5 minutes. Teacher: "Young
ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your parents concerning
Little Johnny's' crude remarks. It is very likely that tomorrow
he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking you
all, to avoid any further problems - that if he says anything that
appears rude, I would like you all to get up and leave the classroom."
Everybody agrees to this plan.
The next day in class the teacher begins: "Is
everybody ready with their assignment? Go ahead Anita." "Near
my home a supermarket is being built. Now my mummy doesn't have
to walk so far to get bread and milk." Teacher: "Very
good Anita! Suzie - you're next"
Suzie: "Near my home, they are building
a furniture factory. My daddy is a carpenter and this permits him
to work near home." Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Suzie!"
At this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up
and the teacher asks: "Oh heavens, Johnny tell me what new
development is being built near your home." Little Johnny:
"Near my home, they are building a brothel." As planned,
all the young ladies get up and proceed to leave. Little Johnny
says, "Hey relax sluts, it hasn't opened yet!"
The Pope was cruising along the beach in the
Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A
helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically
to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled
up with three men wearing Welsh, Irish and Scottish rugby jerseys.
One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other
two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan from the water.
Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled
it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them
to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard
that there were some bitter hatred between the Celtic and English
rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not
true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his
buddies: "Who was that?" "It was the Pope,"
one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access
to all of God's wisdom." "Well" the harpooner said,
"he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know
anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we
need to get another one?"
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READER MAIL
Let's clear my inbox shall
we? Probably the best idea I've had all week because you guys
have been so keen to swamp it! There have been some kick ass submissions
too and as always it was hard task deciding what was going to make
the cut.
Anyway if you'd like to contribute
to Reader Mail and fuel the insanity then we are always happy
to receive the good things in life - naked ex-girlfriend pictures,
videos of you and your mates doing stupid things, jokes, opinions,
criticism or whatever else you've got. In other words absolutely
anything you can attach to an email and send my way! All you gotta
do is click here to make the magic happen!
jake murray
wrote:
Subject: emo video
ahh gday there mr not so orsm anymore,
i am writing to you to complain about the emo
video shown on your website, waht you dont realise (whoever
made this video) is that emo was once a style of music and
has now turned into a stupod trend that some people think
is cool and the haircuts shown etc. really dont have that
much to do with being emo and the music you are playing
with this video does not match the people you are showing
at all as you have shown the emo punkers that think there
haircuts are cool, they are not emo at all amo has become
so commercial its unbelieveable and if you realised what
emo actually meant you would not host such a thing on your
site, everyone taht gives emos shit knows nothing so get
a life and you can go impale yourself on big fat penis catcha
later. P.S. I did like your site but this has dissapointed
me im not happy, people need to realise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude dont cry about it. No need
to get a bad haircut and pretend to slit your wrists or
anything. -Orsm
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t3hrunn1ngm4n
wrote:
Subject: Emo Plague
Hey man, I'm an awe inspire fan of the
site. Rock on. But I just wanted to say I know of the guys
in the Emo
Plague video, the one you have as your thumbnail, with
the surface of mars looking face and the lip piercing with
the lack of chin looking guy. His name is Brian and he takes
up the name "A Monster God" on MySpace.. he's
a lame ass street living drug dealing tattoo artist... He
once lived with his so called friend Dani (she's a nice
girl) and he invited some friends over that ended up stealing
from them for him, and he took some things with him. Not
only that he got a some of my friends to become tweekers
for a while... And he was arrested once for possesion of
child pornogoraphy. But general discussion of this guy in
my parts always involves swearing... no one likes him. The
guy through a litre glass bottle of juice on my nuts man,
I wanted to barf.... Anyway, look him up. Bash him or something.
He lives in Torrance, CA, in Los Angeles! in the shitty
ol USA..... So yeah. Awesome site.
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Benji
wrote:
Subject: demolish
Dear Mr orsm, I think I did actually figure
out a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon, watching Collingwood
demolish the eagles while surrounded by all your eagle supporter
mates. It just made the beer, bbq and the sunshine that much
better.
Recieved a few of
these... guess I had it coming to me... -Orsm |
Rhett
wrote:
Subject: dirty girl
The dude who sent in the video of the
chick he "met
from the net" firsty has no proof it was a chick,
all i can see is one ugly arse being pounded and secondly,
for someone trying to make money by encouraging
people to meet women from the net to fuck shouldnt he
also encourage the pratice of safe sex so as to keep his
clients ALIVE and DISEASE FREE???? Ps love the site, cant
wait to travel WA, its on my list of things to do I promise!!!
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FOXHOLE
wrote:
Subject: Brutally Bashed
G'day mate, A couple of updates ago you
showed a clip named "brutallybashed"
which showed 3 "FUCKWIT SCUM" randomly and brutally
assault 2 "innocent" victims outside of what looked
to be a train station... One of the victims appeared to
be stabbed. Well, with the shit that is going on in todays
society I was disgusted by this and wished to know more
about what I had just witnessed and then "POOF!!"
in the SUNDAY MAIL was this article and I wanted to share
it with you and your readers
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Wayne Just
wrote:
Subject: Aussie Spider
I rang my boss today and told him I couldn't
come in toady.. Because there was a spider on my car....
Cheers for making me circle my
car three times before getting in it now... -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Ex GF
Hi mr orsm, love the site actuall cant
stay away from it just though id send some pics of my ex
that still sends me pics of her and a couple of the vids
are ok enjoy. pls dont post details cheers
Gotta wonder what the hell you
were thinking breaking up with her mate...!! -Orsm
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Nat + Mel
wrote:
Subject: Hi Orsm!
Hi Orsm! Long time fans of your site,
we thought you might like this picture of the cover page
of the latest empire magazine. We are avid movie buffs,
so we often get this magazine. Included is a close up for
you to work out the secret message on this months cover
:)
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Josh Walter
wrote:
Subject: Gotta love Chicago
Hey man love the site, here is a picture
from our most recent adventures in downtown Chicago.
Will make sure to avoid that one...
-Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Fwd: Revenge pics of Cheating Slut
Hey Mr. Orsm.... Long time viewer/reader
here....ever since you started the priceless pics and doing
your updates once a month! Anyways, I was browsing a forum
I usually visit daily and saw a topic that read: "My
wife had series of affairs and ran off with my 2 kids and
the damn dog!" Long story short, he fired off an email
to a few of the members who wanted to see these revenge
pics of this cheating whore. They were then passed along
to many people and I ended up getting to view them as well....
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Sirion
Here is what happens when a new Mazda
mps gets lent out to a salesman from wanneroo mazda and
he over takes and heads on a daihatsu sirion. Everyone walks
away.
Ooops... amazing they all walked
away though. -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Look no wheels
Did you see the belly landing by an F111
at Amberley (Brisbane) Air Force base last week after the
wheel fell off? Want to know where the rogue wheel went?
The staff car park (see picture below). Love your work.
Cheers.
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Steve
wrote:
Subject: Hasselhoff
This guy sent this as a serious email
to a PR company in Belfast!! Just look at the pix of him,
hilarious!!
Dear "Stakeholdergroup",
After having my eyes lasered a month ago I've been mobbed
by people in Belfast asking to have their photographs taken
with me because I look like David Hasselhoff and I reckon
that I could use this unusual talent for PR events. I live
in East Belfast, so its pretty easy for me to turn up to local
events. My telephone number is 07866 411 144. I have a degree
in Business Studies too that specialised in Marketing, so
I might be able to help you in other ways. Please tell me
your thoughts. Many thanks, Magnus Ramsay |
Clint
wrote:
Subject: 1/8 scale turbine B-52
Saw the video
last update of a R/C jet, powered by a mini turbine engine,
and reminded me of another model I saw some time ago, didnt
take much to find it again, 1/8th
scale B-52 with 8 of thoes turbine engines powering it.
Some pretty crazy stuff. Theres also more video of it smashing
into the ground. |
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Rev Mayers
wrote:
Subject: more room clearing.
Hey Orsm, This week I've sent you more
training footage. This is a clip of us clearing multiple
rooms. I breach the door lock with a live shotgun shell
with a light load, hence the low level noise from the shot.
We cleared 5 rooms in under 50 seconds. Ill have more for
you next week.
|
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Paul
wrote:
Subject: Girlfriend PORN
Hi. Great site n all that, top entertainment
for us at work. Here's a vid of my girlie, hope u
like. Oh yeah, any requests welcome
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Freddie
wrote:
Subject: Ex Girlfriend, Dildo in both holes action..
A video of a girl from the Hillsborough
College in Sheffield England sent to her boyfriend, and
then they split up... So he did what any law abiding male
should do, and sent it via bluetooth to everyone! She's
hot.
Umm... WOW! -Orsm
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A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today,
and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to
10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good,"
said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes,
it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from
school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying
the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to
D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very
good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from
school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym
class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat
chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal
a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because
you're 25."
ORSM
VIDEO
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful
blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of
my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he
has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are
you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool
table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me
with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No...
I'm your son's math teacher."
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting
a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded, so would his pay check.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive
and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss
the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about
how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the
crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence
fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood
up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
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NEED ADVICE? MAYBE ABBY CAN HELP... OR NOT...
Dear
Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is
a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could
be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence On my VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats
so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has
been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think
my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has
been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied
everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the
world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist
$50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months
and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is
going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband
had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband
lost all interest in sex, and he IS a doctor. Now what do I do?
|
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This guy and his girlfriend head to the local
bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's
heard of a new drink she wants him to try.
She gets back to the table and has two drinks
for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime
juice. She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's,
hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a little dubious but does as he's told
because she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans
for later.
First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing
it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling
in his mouth. Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's.
After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's
curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the colour
of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms his stomach
enough to swallow the mess.
With a look of near horror on his face, he turns
to her and asks, "What the fuck was in that?" She whispers
in his ear... "It's called Blowjob revenge
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay done. Finished.
If you're still bored then
make sure you check out the site archives.
They're chock-full of enough to keep you busy into the next
decade. Trust me... people have entered the archives for a quick
look around and never been heard from again. True story.
If you're new to these
parts and wondering when there will be a whole new update then Thursday
is the day... as a matter of fact every Thursday is the day. Tell
or your friends to check out ORSM-DOT-NET
or prepare to be smited.
Until next time be good,
stay off the chems and stay out of the rain. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
