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October 2004...
 
orsmupdate 2004.10.28-22.51
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Welcome to Orsmnet - a site that the late, great Christopher Reeve proclaimed upon his death bed as being the 'paradigm of adult entertainment'.

One thing I've started to slooowly get back into lately is reading... and no I don't mean reading web pages and stuff like that. I'm talking about reading actual hard copy [eeew] books and the like. Actually before I get ahead of myself I should clarify and say 'book' as in singular because that's all its been so far and I am only a half way in after about a month or so of reading. I read at a snails pace which is most likely due to me being so out of practice or having an QI of 64...

That last time I seem to remember reading anything was over 10 years ago which was one of the Red Dwarf books that I had borrowed from a mate. I distinctly recall being utterly bored out of my brain by it and skipping through chapter after chapter to the end so I wouldn't have to suffer it any longer. To counter that and satisfy my urge for material I don't have to read off a screen I've kept myself amused over the years with countless car, fishing and computer mags but have generally avoided anything that I couldn't skim cover to cover whilst sitting on the throne expunging the contents of my bowel. Strangely enough that's all I've done to get as far through my current read as I am now - a couple of pages during my daily toilet visit. I'm definitely not the type to lie down on a couch in a quiet room and read a book especially when there are better things to do.

So what am I reading? The book is called 'A Million Little Pieces' and is a true story of some young guy and his trip through rehab after being hopelessly and helplessly addicted to alcohol and crack. I'm sure this isn't the definitive read on the subject but for some reason I'm attracted to stories of people fighting back against themselves. I don't particularly go out for the hope aspect, more the curious factor of whether or not the writer will actually make it or die trying... which in this case I assume he does otherwise there'd be no book.

It also got me thinking about why people write books like these in the first place. I'm guessing in real life they don't come out of rehab and decide that it'll be a great way to make money. Maybe it's about self help? It got me on the track of writing my own little diary type thing. Not something I want to or will ever publish I might add.

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You guys have heard me whinge and complain that I've been stressed out and angry at the world lately but despite the fact that I blog away on here each week its hardly the place for me to express what actually goes through my head - too many people I know offline read it and obviously I'm not comfortable about spilling my deepest and darkest for all to enjoy.

It hit earlier this week when everything sort of boiled over in my head. It was middle of the night but my mind was in that racing faster than Schumacher on speed and I knew there was no way in hell I was going to sleep so I opened up a new document and simply began typing and dribbling away. What started out as a couple of lines about what's been going on turned into 10 pages.

The funny thing was that actually putting pen to paper [if you will] relaxed me. It was the ideal way to finally vent without having to bare my soul to someone I didn't want to. The effect has been to unleash a monster. The 10 pages I filled were nothing, not even the tip of the ice berg. My brain is full to the brim of stuff I want to get out and finally I've found the perfect way to do it. I ended up having to stop due to finally being so tired from exercising my mind muscles and I now feel a whole lot more chilled. I wont say this is the sure-fire fix for everyone but if you ever get to the stage of being driven insane why not try writing it down? You never know - you may be penning the next best-seller!

Before we get moving with the update, I've added a new Priceless Video page which can be found here. There's 20 new vids in total and with a bit of luck I will get around to adding more between now and Christmas. Have fun.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

Been scammed by porn sites? Not sure which ones are worth your money? Then head over to RabbitsReviews.com and get the best of porn. Read in-depth and independent reviews of leading adult sites and discover the one that's perfect for your kinky needs and desires. Check it now!

I got a message the other day from one of my cohorts telling me it was about time I introduced you guy's to his site. I replied with a voracious 'hell yeah'. The site? BeerAndShots.com and I could probably crap on all day about how good his new design is, how good the free porn is and how I spend more time at his site than I do my own... but I shall refrain, and suggest that you guy's check it out for yourselves!

If you're anything like me then you'll be concerned about the security of your computer and whether or not people can see what you're doing online. Add to this the constant barrage of spyware and viruses we have to deal with it starts to take the fun out of surfing the net. So what to do? Easy and you'll love this - AuditMyPC.com. This is a completely FREE service that scans your computer for nasties and reports back how to fix them. There's also a multitude of other tools that will all the more enjoyable! Click here to check out AuditMyPC.com now.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Posting And You - Would You Hit It? - Insane BMW - Presedential Horror Show - Eye Of The Tiger

Escape From Neverland - Bricolage - Stupidity Gone Mad - Jar Jar Porn - Cost Of War

A guy goes into a sex shop and asks for a rubber doll. The guy behind the counter says "Normal or Muslim?". "What's the difference?" asks the customer. "The Muslim one blows itself up."
--
One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went to the pub...
--
A man finds his girlfriend furiously packing a suitcase in the bedroom and asks her what's up. His girlfriend replies, "My therapist says that you're a pedophile and I should leave you!" The man replies, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an eleven-year-old!"

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Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Centre on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

So... Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed, Worried About My Reputation.

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A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!"

ORSM VIDEO

Plenty of you guy's may have already seen this vid of what can only be described as a talentless hack. If you're not with me yet I'm referring to Ashlee Simpson and her abysmal efforts on last week's Saturday Night Live. I don't really need to say much more than that as the vid explains it all...

- Ashlee Simpson: Crash & Burn -

click here for more

A little boy and a little girl, both about eight years old, were playing in the sandbox. Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift. The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter, "How'd you do that, "she asks. "Easy," he exclaimed, "I just farted." "Can I try it," she asks? "Sure," he says, "anybody can do it."

She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree. He groggily gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is. He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, flat on her back, spread eagle.

Curiously, he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims, "Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

click here for more

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - there is no catch! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or anything unexpected. It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you try it? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams and whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

READER MAIL
Email has just been out of control lately and so much so that I am thinking of starting my very own sweat shop in Korea to take the load off! I've gone the Overflow route again and everything that was far too good for the trash but couldn't fit on this page has been put here. Aside from that, if you've got something to say, something you want to see on the site or just feel like telling me I'm a retarded, bush-hating loser then you may do so here.

Robb wrote:
Subject: World on Fire Propaganda
Hey ORSM, Great site, but you already know that. Anyway I have to get this out of my system: I was watching that Sarah McLachlan - World on Fire link; the "$15 videoclip" and its kinda pissed me off. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big supporter of helping the world out, particularly if you're the U.S and you've contributed to the cause of these problems.

But I've been working in Television for 10 years and its a bastard of an industry. Each year we've got hundreds of eager young Uni grads rolling out of this country's institutions hungry to get their start in "the business". The Problem here is that there just arn't enough jobs in this wishy-washy industry. Film and TV creatives and crew generally work contract to contract sometimes with breaks between that can last for months. This means heaps of really talented Producers, Directors, DOPs, Scriptwriters etc etc live VERY modest lifestyles because they've followed their passion. Interestingly I have yet to see a performer at the level of Miss McLachlan's live this way. Of course there is some big money in our industry but thats mostly with the top end of town; Studio Execs, big Production Companies and large Post Facility owners.

So Instead of cheering about how the Record Company gave away someone else's money, they should actually have made the shit-hot video that would have helped record sales ( cause thats why they make them in the first place) and given just a dollar or more from each album sold to these needy causes. I bet it would add up to a LOT more than $150K. That video was made for the wrong reasons, its record company "feel-good" propaganda, thought up by a record exec. in his Mercedes on the way to work one day. End of Rant.

Ant wrote:
Subject: Hey Dude.
Been a visitor to your site for years, but this is my first email. Anyways, just a little bit of information of the guy smashing up the PT Cruiser at the traffic lights. When I was watching the video, I thought to myself, gee, that background looks awfully familiar, and when the shot turns around to when he is bashing up the car, my thoughts were confirmed. In the background is the Sahara hotel, on the corner of the Las Vegas strip and Sahara Ave. I stayed at that very hotel in July 2003, and walked past that site many times and also shopped in that general store. While I certainly didn't see that going on, it is really freaky to think I was at that same place.

Jordan C. wrote:
Subject: Crack Issues: Scary Shit
Hi, this is Jordan, but please do not put my email address in if you use this, and I live in Las Vegas where the video of the guy who was hitting the car was filmed. The local news ran a story on it, and it turns out the guy who was in the car and who was beating the car up with the bat were both paid actors who were shooting for a video. Nothing dangerous happened. Your site rox though. I love it.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Japs
Hey orsm, what the fuck is up with Japanese culture?? I saw the vid of girls being humiliated and having sex in public on Fridays update and it disturbed me greatly. More than that it sort of intrigued me in a strange fucked up way. I mean is this common place in Japan? Does this happen regularly? After a hard days work you jump on to the afternoon train to see a girl getting fucked in the corner?!? It just doesn't make any fucking sense to me! I have made many a trip to the supermarket but I am yet to see a girl being bent over next to the drinks chiller coping one from behind. Who are these people? How can they do these things? Why haven't I ever met a girl like that? I want some fucking answers ORSM!!! After all the wrong shit I have seen on your site this one video has got me completely fucked up! I don't know what to do, except to ask you where the fuck did you get this and can you get any more? Please help me.

agog wrote:
Subject:
Hi orsm, this mental health thing you got going at the moment sucks. Maybe you could limit yourself to workking on orsm.net to business hours only? That might get your sleeping patterns back circadian again.

Stephen wrote:
Subject: Finally the real truth
Hey Mr. Orsm--this movie is the response to that bloated liar Michael Moore and the steaming pile of BS he calls a movie-- check it out! www.celsius4111.com

Xiao Cui wrote:
Subject: blaupunkt
this is one of the blaupunkt show cars that a friend of mine's exboyfriend put on show against at a hot import nights show in miami. unfortunately, they lost against this beast. 27 or 29 seven inch monitors all over this badboy. guillotine doors as you can see, and matching xbox steering wheel/paint scheme/interior. too bad it's on a goddammn chevy cavalier. [check it]

click to enlarge

Zac wrote:
Subject: Clints e-mail about Prycless photoshpoping.
Forget that. I am so tired of seeing that same shit everywhere. People need to realize that that comparrison is bullshit. Simply put, gw bush, all though not perfect has never had evil intentions of genocide. The only people he has persicuited is terrorists, and rightly so. I did a little quick photoshopping of my own. Here is what that picture should be. Saddam Gassed over 100,000 of his own people with chemical weapons in 1988. These poor people were from his own damn country, they were the shiite muslims called the kurds (they are all kurdish), and had villages in norther iraq.

DOESNT THIS SOUND MORE LIKE HITLER? Clint- Fuck you, you ignorant bastard, go suck micheal moore's dick some more. Dumbass. P.S. Everyone do yourself a favor, and get fucking educated. And untill then, shut ya damn mouths.

Keith J. Frank wrote:
Subject: Photoshop of Lightsabe Faggots...
Hope you enjoy!!
click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: The Randy Badger...
Hi Orsm, Firstly, who the fuck spends hours looking at a picture of a guy's cock, then writes a two paragraph essay on the fine art of photoshopping a member !!?? Sad bugger !! I say, "good for Abi for sending in his sorry ass pic in the first place", who takes photos of themselves naked in a mirror and expects no come back ? So here is my PRYCLESS contribution which I really hope makes it to your site as well as the good old Priceless Archive Page itself....... Lastly, many thanks for the best site on the net, I look forward to it every time; keep up the good work.

click to enlarge

Kieran wrote:
Subject: Madrid Tennis Masters: Ball Girl Models
G'day Orsm, Loving the website, keep up the fantastic work. If you've been watching the tennis, you probably heard about the organisers employing models as ball girls, creating controversy. I see nothing wrong at all, roll on the Hopman Cup!

click for gallery

Dez wrote:
Subject: Eye Sore
Hi, I wont do the usual suck up your ass comment about the site, you know it's good. Like the the fact your a Perth lad who drives a Holden (I think?!) & all the other stuff a red blooded Aussie male should! Here are a couple of pics of this thing that lives up the street from me. No idea what it does or what super powers it has or which character owns it but as far as I can tell it once was a holden?!! (going by the door handles!) Thought it would at least get a laugh or some comments??

click to enlarge click to enlarge

GILBERT ROUNDS wrote:
Subject: President
The President, who is campaigning, visited our town last week. And here are some pics! Thought you might like them. Sorry about the quality, it was my in-laws friends taking the pictures with their new digital cameral.

click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Gotta love mining
Thought you may like to se some dangers in our line of work, some are probably to be attributed to being away from women for days/weeks at a time and spending too much time in the pub the night before. Gotta love it though Keep up the good work

click to enlarge

Jim wrote:
Subject: naked pumpkins
Hey, I got tired of the same old jack-o-lanterns a couple of years ago and decided to try something new. I thought you and your readers might get a kick out of them

click to enlarge click to enlarge

Paul wrote:
Subject: Road picture
Hey Orsm, Love the site, been following it for about 3 or 4 years now. I've included a picture I just recently took on the road. I'm a Canadian truck driver and was travelling through Missouri on my way to Texas. I will send you more of these as I capture them, but it is quite difficult at 65mph.

click to enlarge

Chris Martin wrote:
Subject: Ray Hadley Spray remix.
Hey orsm, This is a remix of a spray that Number 1 Sydney Talk Back host Ray Hadley gave. It is a bottler. I hope you can use it.

I can't remember if I posted the original a while back so here it is. -Orsm

click to listen

Yeatzie wrote:
Subject: Antics by Perth guys
Hey. Im from Perth, a friend of mine showed me your site I love it and then later found you live here too. This video is down at the swan river, shooting waterbombs at passing walkers using our slingshot. It shoots like over 100m... funny stuff. This vid shows some of the antics us locals have been up2, please put it up on your siite.

click to watch vid

Scotty wrote:
Subject: Submission
Hiya. Top site, excellent content. Thought you might like a video of me fixing a laptop with large calibre firearms... Known as the "Magnum Patch". Keep up the good work.

Mmmm high-calibre therapy. -Orsm

click to view vid

Rob wrote:
Subject: PLEASE UPLOAD !!!
This is a great update for too many drugs for this man which you had in June 2004. Please upload it its great. Please keep my email address confidential. This man ate one too many marijuana cookies !!! We are your best south african supporters. KEep up the good work.

click to view vid

Divx_Addict wrote:
Subject: Pictures
One of my buddies found some pics of his exwife and wants the world to see them. In hopes that her little brother and father see them. She's been in two pornos, modeled and is a stripper in NC (USA).

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Check out this new bird of ours!!
...Awesome new plane...interesting that this top secret new jet is being flown by a woman pilot....you've come a long way baby ! The plane in these pictures [Never Seen Before] is still officially the Air Vehicle Number 1, a prototype on board the USS Washington for catapult fit checks. Not exactly still top secret, but certainly not yet made public. I believe it will be known as the F/A-37. Although specs are classified, it is believed to be a Mach 3.5 (top speed in the Mach 4 range), super-cruise stealth fighter/bomber/interceptor with approximately a 4000 mile range. Awesome!

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

click here for more

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

click here for more

A man goes to the doctors to pick up some test results. The doctor says "I'm very sorry, but I have some bad news for you. You have HIV." "Oh my god, no" replies the man. "I'm afraid it gets worse" says the doctor "you've get an extremely rare form of the disease known as HIV 313, and you'll be dead within the week!"

The man is obviously devastated, as are his family, so his mother decides to take him out for a special night out since it will be one of his last. That night at the bingo the man won the first game. He then won the next game. And the next. And he ended up winning every game of bingo that night.

At the end of the night the host approached the man to give him his prizes and said "you must be the luckiest cunt I know. You won every game tonight. That is unheard of!"

"Lucky?" said the man "Lucky? I've got HIV 313 I'll have you know!" "I don't believe it" said the host "You've only won the fucking raffle as well!"

click here for more

A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They are both really depressed. The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a coincidence!" he said, "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too."

So they start talking and they find that they have much in common so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight, black leather outfit with a whip, handcuffs, a strap-on cock, and a 12 inch studded dildo. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Then she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door. "What's going on?", she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done."

ORSM VIDEO

A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there. She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?" So he lets her in. "What'll it be?" "Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up."

He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor.

The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up. It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune. When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits.

The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can't believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?" "Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my twat sore."

click here for more

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him... pussy and bitch.

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centrefold and says, "Son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."

RANDOM SHITE

I really had far too much to choose from putting together RS for this week and it all got a little confusing... hopefully there's enough decent material contained within to keep all the haters happy...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling and the 86-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an 85 year old friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 86-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped the bullets into that beaver." The doctor replied... "My point exactly!"

click here for more

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I'll see what I can do for you, take one of these tablets, three times a day, and then come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell those tablets were that you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's get to work on your hearing problem...."

click here for more

Poke me with a fork - I'm done. A whole lotta love went in to this update so I hope it was well worth the few minutes you wasted checking it out!

Before I go... a quick shout out and thankyou to Lifian for picking me up the Stranger With Candy DVD from my wishlist! It came yeesterday so I haven't had a chance to check it out yet but hopefully this weekend will provide some free time. For everyone else, if you'd like to show me your love and appreciation for my countless hours of hard work poured into bring you this site every week for free then head over to my wishlist and make my frickin day! Anyway, until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't be such a loser. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.10.21.23.57
click here for more

Welcome to Orsmnet, the home of the over-worked and underpaid. If you're a first time visitor then sucks to be you I guess - you're over four long years of cutting edge adult entertainment behind everyone else!

I wish I had something exciting to talk about this week but it isn't the case. Sadly this past week has been much like the last couple with countless hours spent sitting in front of the computer doing stuff. We've been trying to get the site/s running properly on the new server plus I've gone into overdrive catching up on a million things that I've been meaning to do around the site for far too long now but more on that later.

A typical day sees me waking up between 9.30-10am with one my mates calling me. Shower, make bed etc, down to play with the dog for a few minutes, pour a glass of juice and then park it in front of my good mate - Sony 17in LCD - until some time around 3.30am with breaks coming in the form of bathroom or replenishment stops. Sad isn't it?

It's got to the point where I'm wondering how many times I click the left mouse button in a 24 hour period. Would it be more or less than 10,000 or 20,000 and so on. The same applies for keyboard shortcuts... how may times a day do I use them, are there any I could be using that would make tasks easier and how much time would I waste if I didn't use them. Yes folks I think it's safe to say I'm wiggin' out.

Sleeping is a whole other issue... mostly because I can't. I go to bed absolutely stuffed and ready to crash, next thing I know my mind begins racing, thinking, worrying, stressing. I'd be grateful if I could just get to sleep before 5am for a change.

click here for more

There's about a million things I have set myself to get out of the way before Christmas arrives and now I'm paying the price although I'm pretty sure that if I don't at least get a couple of days down south or just anywhere away from the computer in the next few weeks I'll go insane. Whatever happens you guys are going to end up with some looped out loser or some looped out loser...

As was most probably obvious to anyone who tried coming here last Friday and Saturday the site was all over the place like a mad woman's shit. This was the result of a not-quite-as-smooth-as-we'd-hoped swap to the new server. We still don't have everything working 100% but it's slowly coming together.

My other issue for the last few days has been exactly as I mentioned last week - trying to get my servers back. Funnily enough the problems we anticipated all reared their respective heads and I am now at a deadlock with a somewhat unscrupulous hosting company who refuses to relinquish my property... unless I pay him for 2 months of a contract that as far as I am concerned was null and void when he failed to provide an acceptable level of service.

At this stage I simply cannot be bothered having another conversation with the guy about it. Imagine running head first into a brick wall, falling over, getting up and doing it all over again. That's what I'm facing at the moment. I'm getting nowhere so as far as I am concerned its lawyer time. Any legal type people out there interested?

As I mentioned above, one of the little things I have been working on is the Priceless Vids section. It's been pissing me off for a while now so it was time to rectify that. So many of you guys have had problems trying to view them whether it be due to an abnormal file type or whatever so I went through all 160 of the fuckers and converted them to a format that should be friendly to the vast majority of you. I also added 20 new ones which start here. This'll be a good server stress test for us so have fun...

One last thing... big shout out to Mark & Chels for the long walk down the aisle this Saturday. Best wishes and all that other stuff that you're supposed to say when people are getting married. If anything, I'm especially looking forward to the oppurtunity to get drunk and fall over.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

If you're anything like me then you'll be concerned about the security of your computer and whether or not people can see what you're doing online. Add to this the constant barrage of spyware and viruses we have to deal with it starts to take the fun out of surfing the net. So what to do? Easy and you'll love this - AuditMyPC.com. This is a completely FREE service that scans your computer for nasties and reports back how to fix them. There's also a multitude of other tools that will all the more enjoyable! Click here to check out AuditMyPC.com now.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Click for more awesomeness

Office Shenanigans - Mining Accident - World On Fire - Strip Britney - Spoilsbury Toast Boy - Jump

Take The Gay Test - US Budget Deficit - Why You Should Vote - Hand Jibe - BYO SLR - Pelvic Exam Vid

A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "this is the pig I've been shagging". His wife said "that's not a pig it's a duck!" Man says "I was talking to the duck!"
--
A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a checkup?" "Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."
--
The church service was under way and they passed the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Who ever put the $100 bill in the plate please stand up." A gay man stood up and said, "I did." The preacher told him, "Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns." Excitedly, the gay guy said, "Well, I'll take him and him and him!"

click here for more

OH ANGIE...

Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie

Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie - Angie

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

This is some scary shit... I don't quite understand exactly what the guy is babbling on about to start with except that he seems to be a crack dealer and have some hoe's... beyond that he strives to assert his dominance by destroying an innocent civilians car. Check it...

- Crack Issues: Scary Shit -

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A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's moustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cosy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's moustache again!"

click here for more

I keep getting emails from you guy's asking me what the catch is with MyFreePaySite.com and I'm here to set the record straight - there is no catch! You won't end up with a massive credit card or phone bill or anything unexpected. It's a lot like Orsmnet and all fucking FREE! So why wouldn't you try it? Tonnes of FREE pics, vids, live web cams and whole lot of other stuff that I'll leave you guy's to discover for yourselves! Check it here.

READER MAIL
So much mail poured into my inbox this week that I lost over a day going through it all. Crazy. It varied from stuff that I've seen a million times before, to feedback from you guy's to some of the stuff you see below. If you've got something to say or share or just something you think belongs on the site then drop me a line right here - I'd love to hear from you!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: B.O.H.I.C.A.
Hi ORSM, There is a word for what seems to keep happening to you and your site. It's BOHICA. It stands for Bend Over, Here It Comes Again. Better luck at the new server and keep those update coming.

nick wrote:
Subject: C'mon!
Mr Orsm, Love your site (most of it), and I assume your intentions are fundamentally good. I was however disturbed to see the baby seal clubbing mpeg on this weeks postings. Man! We're meant to be getting better as a race huh? I'm not sure if placing these images inside peoples heads will help this troubled world (let alone small furry animals). You obviously have a wide audience and significant influence - use your gifts for good dude!

derrick wrote:
Subject: Look at the kid-the song name
I believe you're looking for the name of a certain song found in the "look at the kid video".. well here is your answer: Joe Budden - "Ya Body's Hot". thanks for making a good site, my ole lady loves it too.

Eric B wrote:
Subject: ass pics
hello i love your site, visit it everyweek for the updates, i loved the great asses you had in the october one, seems as if you never have many pics of asses? i loves asses so could you get more? i think it would be a great improvement on your site to have a section on great asses, just my opinion...Cheers, Eric

Mike wrote:
Subject: Mini Workstations
Go to this website.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: EVERY ANGLE COVERED
Hey, talk about DISAPPONITING!!! I've always wondered if pliable cutie gymnasts could lick themselves and thought that this would be real but I'm pretty sure that both photos are faked in Photoshop. Try and get some real ones, they must be out there on the web somewhere..... or it's anatomically not possible. Please solve the mystery!!!! Maybe other readers have had girlfriends who were able to do so?

Meghann wrote:
Subject: Meghann again!
Hey hey hey Orsm, What is it?!?! I'm back, bitches! By popular demand I might add, LoL jk, but seriously I got some new rave pics...don't know if they're less crazy or crazier than the last ones so I guess you'll have to be the judge! Another crazy weekend...these are some pics of this one rave called Preserve The Vibe (10-2-04). It was a hella fun party, I had another 3 way kiss but no pics :( sorry. But I'll try to get a 4-way kiss the next one and definately send you the pics! Thanks for the requests, love ya! Peace. P.S. I'm trying to stay away from the chems......but........."can you do the thizzle dance?"

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Xiao Cui wrote:
Subject: pontiac gto featured in update
ok, so that special kind of gto is only available in america, but isn't the commercially sold gto basically an upgraded version of the holden monaro? and sides, sometimes i envy my australian friends when they get the cars and body styles that are unavilable to the united states. like those high performance ford cars. ford over here is like the focus and taurus and that's it, and minivans. *shudder* dare i say it, yes, after seeing the cars that australia have to offer, i almost want to buy a ford.

click to enlarge

Clint wrote:
Subject: 'Prycless' Photoshopping
Hey Orsm, heres my contribution for the next update. Enjoy

Awesome Photoshopping... best one I have seen for a while. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Adrian Jarvis wrote:
Subject: Shark Catch in Yarmouth Nova Scotia]
This Mako was hooked in the mouth, only fought slightly for 15 minutes, came up along side of the boat to have a look, long enough for one of the crew to put a rope around it tail !!! That's when the shit hit the fan!! The Shark took off towing the 42 foot fishing boat backwards through the water at about 7 Knots. Just like in JAWS. The boat was taking on water, the Shark would jump completely out of the water at times. This went on for an hour before the Shark actually drowned. He weighed in at 1035LBS.

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Michael wrote:
Subject: Pic Submission
Here's a pic you can use if you so desire. I'm a sucker for "cute" animal pics, and based on the posts to your site from time to time, I'm guessing you are, too. My sister took this pic of her cat (Tincup) and dog (Bear) and sent it to me. The cat is 4 months old, and who gives a rat's ass about how old the dog is...

I'd take the Shep over the cat any day. -Orsm

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Bruce wrote:
Subject: Free Puppy
On another note,would you like a free Puppy? A friend of mine is looking for a good home for a puppy he recently acquired. This dog has had quite a troubled past, however with the right care and rehabilitation, he will most likely become a good and faithful friend. Please see the attached picture (below) of this cute little guy. Let me know if you would like to adopt him as the owner will make sure he gets transportation to the new owner free of charge.!!!

click to enlarge

Alex wrote:
Subject: Random Shite
Hi Orsm, I've got a few submissions for Random Shite. The Parking pic was taken from the parking lot at Fed Square Melbourne. The FreePot was from a pub on the corner of Russel and Flinders streets Melbourne. Amazing what you can find walking to work.

click to enlarge click to enlarge

bubguy wrote:
Subject: funny video of kid on ddr
Hey Mr. Orsm. This video is a friend of mine looking like the biggest idiot on the ddr game. haha i just thought id show you how big of an idiot he is. hes also gay but yeah.. thanks a lot.

I wanna see more of the chick! She looks hot! And as for you friend... n00b. -Orsm

click to enlarge

Adrian wrote:
Subject: TV ad
Long story short a local DJ was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months back. Doing ok now, gonna kick off in about four years though. They made this ad that the networks refuse to run. Thought you might enjoy it. They stream their morning show at 98online.com between six and ten a.m., eastern standard time if you're interested

click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to watch vid

Sodo wrote:
Subject: Mongolian rodeo
Dear ORSM, I have been a fan of your site for some time now. It is always fun to read the jokes and funny sh*t that you post to kill time at work or before going to bed at night. Here are two videos that I took with my digital camera. The riders are volunteering spectators at a small local festivity this summer in Tes, Zavkhan Province, Mongolia to see who can stay on the horse for the longest time without a saddle, any stirrups or reins. Apologize for the quality of the video but I hope that it will be fun for the fans of this site.

Jon Doe wrote:
Subject: The best ever Telstra complaint
hey orsm. i'm not sure how true this letter is, but seeing as though it takes the piss out of telstra i'd like to think that it is. wouldn't we all like to have written a letter like this at some time!?! enjoy & keep up the great work.

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Dale wrote:
Subject: rotty
Stumbled across a webcam bitch, said she was ready for action. Getting busy she was, until this black mass appeared in front of her crotch. Its a fucken Rottweiler dude. My eyes are damaged. The bitch made no attempt to close her legs, just a pathetic little push away. Kept on sucking like a trooper, eventually the dog fucked off. I missed half the show with tears in my eyes from laughing so fucking hard. Up to you what you do with it. P.S. I'm not into animals , really. But fuck that was funny.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Europe
These were taken on a recent trip to Europe. Hope they are worthy. Cheers
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Click for more awesomeness

WORTH A SURF
Offers of sexual favours, gifts, praise and even some snuggling are just some of the things that the guy's who run the following sites offered me if I would just spend a few seconds giving them a plug... so don't leave me hanging and go check out their stuff!

Little Midgets - Which Would Jesus Do - No Face - eAdmit - NY Hotties - Kaktuz - Pimp Kane

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

click here for more

Three Labrador retrievers - one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, the sofa the curtains, the cat, and the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump the cat, the pillows, the table, post-boxes, what ever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?" The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

click here for more

TWO old men - Bert and Sid - were sitting on a park bench. Bert turns to Sid and says, "Do you think there are football teams in Heaven?" Sid thinks for a minute and replies: "I don't know, mate, but let's make a deal. Whichever of us dies first has to come back and tell the other if there's any football in Heaven." They shake on it, and, sadly, a few months later, poor Bert passes on.

Some days afterwards, Sid is sitting in the park when he hears a voice whisper, "Sid... Sid..." Sid responds, "Bert! Is that you?" "Yes, it is," whispers the spirit of Bert. Sid, still amazed, asks, "So there is football in Heaven?" "Well," whispers Bert, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Give me the good news first," says Sid. Bert whispers, "Well, there is football in Heaven." Sid asks, "And what's the bad news?" Bert sighs and whispers, "You're playing next Saturday."

click here for more

The first speaker, a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well." The crowd again cheered.

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy bastard husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself." The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes.

She continued. "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye."

ORSM VIDEO

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you, Sir", he asked the second man. "Hmmm... let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch, when you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhoea," said the Newfie.

"What?!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh, I can explain," said the Newfie. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants." He got the job!

click here for more

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

RANDOM SHITE
Due some sort of gremlin wth the new server last weeks RS did not show up properly so I'm re-posting them and hopefully this time they'll work. Check em...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "She sells C cells by the sea shore."

click here for more

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

click here for more

Okay that pretty much seals the deal for this week. I'm absolutely buggered but hey - if I manage to distract even just a few of you from doing something that you're supposed to be doing then mission accomplished.

Before I go... if you'd like to show me your love and appreciation for my countless hours of hard work poured into bring you this site every week for free then head over to my wishlist and make my frickin day! Anyway, until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don't be such a loser. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.10.14-23.58
click here for more

Welcome folks... welcome to Orsmnet where downtime is king and screw you if you wanna make a complaint! Welcome to my reality.

Long week. It's been seven long sixteen hour days stuck firmly in front of the computer and I'm sick to death of it. This is not by choice either - oh no. As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I'm a Virgo which makes me a pedantic little bitch. Things have to be and run a certain way and when they don't I get pissed off..

As many of you who tried to log on last Friday may have noticed, the site was down. We had a feeling on Thursday night before I updated that things were a bit shaky and it was noted quite accurately that "I bet shit goes down tonight". I got everything done, updated and ten minutes later down we go. The most annoying part of this is that we had nothing to do with it and the whole fiasco was entirely out of our control. Let this be a lesson to anyone running a website - choose your hosting company carefully!

The next day was spent bombing the hosting company's phone and leaving message after message asking what the fuck was going on. I must have called 50 times. Finally, approximately 26 hours later, everything comes back online with absolutely no excuse as to what happened. A week later and we still haven't been given an explanation.

The stupid part was that the day before we'd made the decision to move the severs to a different hosting company this week. Out of Dallas and to a much more reliable company in Florida. Murphy's Law perhaps? Anything that can go wrong will and at the worst possible time.

click here for more

With some of the stuff I've read about the hosting company I'm with over the last few months we began to become a little concerned. Constant fuck-up's, performance issues, non-existent support and just a general bad attitude from them. Our biggest worry was how to get my servers out of there - I'd read stories of people waiting for up to a year to get their property back! A whole year!

Obviously we didn't want to run the risk of having the site go down for a few days or several weeks or months or whatever so we've held back and hadn't moved them but Fridays events were the last straw. I ordered a new server with the new guys and began uploading the site to it, the idea being we'll move everything onto the new server, get that up and running and then worry about trying to get my servers back.

This presents several problems for us. Not only is there ballpark 10gigs of data to move but the entire thing has to be configured from scratch and it's taken all week to get it done. Add to that the existing servers have been speed capped [without us being told or asked and in violation of the terms in our contract] so what could have been done in a day has taken five.

Anyway I am a little bit more confident now. We've managed to get most of the stuff we needed off the servers and transferred to the new one so with a bit of luck you guy's wont notice any interruption when trying to access the site. Of course if you do notice anything screwed up and not working then please drop me a line here.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

If you feel like getting interactive, you can always chat with TangoTime's 2000+ gorgeous webcam models entirely for free. Their FREE live video teaser chat feature is hot! You're bound to find someone you like, as there are over 100 models live any time of the day, 24/7! Click here to check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean..

Click for more awesomeness

Retire At The Hilton - Pizza Palace Owns You - The Sad Truth - Parking: Battle Of The Sexes

Internet Cam Whores - Saved By Your Balls - Manipulating Gmail - GW Aviator Doll - Vote!

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
--
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
--
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show with his dummy on his knee and he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.

ORSM VIDEO

This fleshy video is pretty much all that's left of the poor little Kangaroo that tried to outrun Jim Richards at Bathurst last Sunday and its been in hot demand ever since. Not only has it graced my inbox upwards of 50 times [thanks everyone!] but I've been asked constantly if I was going to post it this update by those who hadn't. So here it is...

- Jimmy Richards Vs Kangaroo -

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Jim and Beth were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Beth promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Beth's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Beth the news he said, "Beth, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Beth replied: "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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READER MAIL
More email than God himself would know what to do with this week. I probably should have pushed some of it on to another page but you get that. If you wanna send something my way, have your say or just drop me a line and tell me to fuck off here is the place to do it.

Bill Sellers wrote:
Subject: Did Christopher Reeve die from cancer
Watching the various news reports on actor Christopher Reeve's death, I was struck by both his appearance and what they said was his cause of death. An infection arising from his dicupitis ulcers (bed sores) was given as the cause, but one can CLEARLY see that his hair AND eyebrows were missing. On one of his "earlier" interviews, it appeared that his eyebrows were "penciled in" by someone with an eyebrow pencil. He wore a cap, but it was plainly clear to me that he had NO hair. His agenda did not include cancer, so one must ask the question of whether or not we were given the correct cause of death, or a phony one that would further his cause. Chemotherapy DOES cause hair loss, and I saw a neo-plasm (new growth) on his left cheek that was not there in any of the earlier interviews..Although I shave my head, the eyebrows are left alone...

Rok wrote:
Subject: Zdravo ;)
Hey mate! I discovered you site few months ago and I have to say it's my favorite. What really caught my attention this week (besides the regular good stuff you provide people with) is the beginning of your introduction. It begins with Zdravo, kako si? which souds very much Slovenian. As I'm from Slovenia, I'm really curious if you know some of our emigrants. I have some relatives in Sydney and Melbourne and it really wouldn't be so bad to get to know some more Slovenians who've gone downunder. Keep it up!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: "The Randy Badger"
You know what's more pathetic than a guy photoshopping his dick to look bigger? Lying whores who photoshop a guy's junk to look smaller. It's obvious whomever sent those pics in used the "clone" tool in photoshop on the pillow in the shot where the guy's unit actually covered it up. I don't care why she did it, but the fact that she apparently fooled you into posting the pics pisses me off. It's not me in the pics, I'm just standing up for guys everywhere.

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Brent wrote:
Subject: email submision of fakecock doesn't look right
I don't know either Abi A or Randy Badger, but looking at the photo's Abi A provided, it looks more likely that Badger does have the member he suggests and she (or someone else) edited the photo's to remove his member's proportions. Now, I have no interest in men's genitals myself, except of course my own endowment that has given me more hours of pleasure than I can count. But I do perform photoedits and have looked over the ones provided.

The place too look is where the member was covering the background. To edit the member out, you have to replace the background, usually by cloning other areas of the photo. I have highlighted various parts of the photo for what seem to be obvious signs of edit. Not in enlarging the member, but in reducing it. Have a look. Also, it is highly unlikely that if Badger had actually edited his photo's, the originals would get out. Anyone with the low self confidence to edit their member to be larger, would likely do everything to make sure the originals never got out. If they had given unedited photo's of themselves out before, they would likely take new ones and edit those to ensure a comparison like Abi A's could not me made.

It was the veins that gave it away for me... I always say it but YES I did notice before I posted it. -Orsm

Skunk wrote:
Subject: A favour if you don't mind
One of the fellows in the picture works here (well 2 do but we don't want to give him shit) - the fellow with the Blue light sabre is Travis and we want to have some fun. He claims they were drunk at the time of making these pictures, that's his excuse anyway :p

Okay so who's up for a bit of 'Prycless' Photoshopping? Let's see your best! I'll post the good ones up next update. You can email your submissions here. -Orsm

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CTS wrote:
Subject: Weekly Updates...
Weekly updates are cool, but I have a problem. I'm heading off to SE Asia for most of November, and when I get beck I am gonna have 3 - 4 weeks of your site to get through. This is going to take ages. Add to that I will have 3 weeks of the Simpsons, Survivor, Apprentice, Amazing Race etc to watch, and you see my problem. So it would be great if for November, you could switch back to fortnightly updates. Many who visit the site may not be too happy about this, but I'm sure if they put themselves in my position, they would understand and your hate mail will be kept to a minimum. Thanks in advance.

Dave wrote:
Subject: get off your ass and update the site sooner
Hi Mr Orsm... I'm a loyal fan from bundaberg queensland and every thursday night i eagerly await your update. however it has occured to me you quite selfishly only have consideration for your own timezone... I have to wait till ungodly hours to get some fresh wank material, and rub out before going to sleep. its about time u realised u r 2 hours behind the rest of australia and had some consideration for us chronologically more advanced...

This is probably a bit of a 'sucked in' to everyone who lives on the east coast and has said bad things about us West Aussies over the years... it would appear that we're not always behind huh!? -Orsm

Chrome200 wrote:
Subject: I want more
If you wanted you could always tell spiderwumunx that we all wouldn't mind seeing more pictures of her great tits...

Simon wrote:
Subject: Look at the kid...
Yo Mr. O, Excellent work lately as per usual (so glad you don't get sick of it). Anyway, with that "Look at the kid" video, any idea what the song in the background is? It's kind of addictive, and a great tune, so I was just wondering if by any chance you knew what it was. If you don't, that's ok, no need to reply, but thanks for the great site.

I've been wondering the same thing. Anyone know. Email me here! -Orsm

Stephen Hajenko wrote:
Subject: Love the site dude.
Its great to see such a great site bein run by a fellow Aussie. I reckon the Oz sense of humour kicks arse, the yanks and the poms just cant keep up. Your website has been keeping me entertained during those long hours between 9 and 5 for years now. Can you tell me where you got those pics of the mini workstation? I gotta get me some of that shit! Wouldnt require fuckin tables for all the PCs on a LAN, thats 4 sure. And that "Call on me" film clip is gold. Not sure why, could be something about the chicks in leotards making suggestive movements.

Quite a few people asked me about this. Unfortunately I have no idea whatsoever - I've had the pics lying around for ages now. I'm sure someone out there probably does though? -Orsm

Morden Ranger wrote:
Subject: A pryceless Pic
Heya, I was searching through your Pryceless pics and I found a pic of my ex-girlfriend. You have a clue where you got that or who submitted it? It is pretty funny because the girl did the same thing to me while we were together. Her name is Cassie Jeanes and lives in Anchorage, Alaska. Poor chick but looks like she got what she deserved.

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Another nude ex
Loved the site for years!!! I finally got the courage to post some pics I thought ya might like to see. Polaroids, finally scanned after 4 years of hiding.

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Tarquin Walker wrote:
Subject: Europe Tour
Here are two photo's of a tour we did through Europe in May, some ladies we bumped into in Francfurt, use them dont use them whatever. Thanx for the fantastic site.

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BiftAH wrote:
Subject: time travel
Dear Mr ORSM, Mental site man, lovin' your work. I recently had a trip to eastern europe and found these guys hanging out in the 'Metro'. Dunno 'bout you but i thought this shit died out 20 years ago. Still dam cool to see it tho', kinda made me go back in time to my (very young) youth.

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Tazman wrote:
Subject: Funny Video
Hey orsm great site, heres a video me and my friends shot, we made our own home made air powered potato gun, we shot out a small ball of tape at 150 PSI at my friends back, he let us do it 3-4 times heres the video...

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Styx wrote:
Subject: Easy chicks
Hi Mr. ORSM. A mate of mine recently told me that a woman he met a few weeks earlier was on his way to visit him. She made it VERY clear that she was coming (pardon the pun) for a glass of wine and conversation and that he wouldn't be getting anything from her. About 30 mins later I received a call from his phone and as any good mate would, I recorded it. Here is a copy of the recording.

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Fabian Hyland wrote:
Subject: woman driver
Dear Sir ORSM, i thought u might appreciate this... On a university field trip for aquaculture to a prawn farm, we went on a bus tour. the bus driver was a FEMALE. I, as an exrtremely skillful driver recognise the INCOMPETENCY A FEMALE HAS WITH OPERATING ANY VEHICLE. motor powered or not. I decided i was too young to die and took the van which was following the bus, and had a male driver. As luck... no, probability would have it she nearly rolled the bus into a dam. WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO KEEP REITERATING THAT THEY CANT DRIVE FOR SHIT???

A man recently entered his favourite restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting all alone at a nearby table. He called the waiter over and asked for a bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it to the woman, indicating "This is from the gentleman over there". She looks at the wine and sends a note over to him. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants."

After reading her note, he chuckled, and sent a note of his own back to her. His note read: "Just so you know, I happen to have an Allante Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL in my garage. I have twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

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The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next check up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realised she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realise these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me! , it helps me sleep at night!"

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

ORSM VIDEO

An apprentice is on his first day on the building site. He's taken to the top of the crane to see what goes on up there. While he's there, he realises he's desperate for a piss. "What do I do?" he asks the bloke with him. "No problem, just go out into the crane's bucket and piss there." So the lad goes out to relieve himself, but while he's there, the bloke accidentally hits a lever which opens the bucket and drops the lad to his death.

Detectives are later interviewing witnesses to try to work out what happened. They speak to a man who watched the lad's fall from the ground. "What do you think was the cause of his death?" asks a detective. "I reckon it was a case of sexual suicide." "What makes you think that?" "Well I saw the lad flying through the air, with his cock in his hand, shouting 'CUUUUUUUUNT!'"

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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who broke wind. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

RANDOM SHITE

A little bit of something from everywhere this week. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you may even wince but you can count on one thing - total Random Shite!

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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Click for more awesomeness

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

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A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you've grown to 12 inches?" "No... It's turned black."

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Okay that more or less winds up another update. I came pretty close to skipping this week to concentrate on more important shit but couldn't bring myself to do it - I hate missing an update plus the ensuing fall out from you guy's that I 'd have to endure just wouldn't be worth it...

Before I go... if you'd like to show me your love and appreciation for my countless hours of hard work poured into bring you this site every week for free then head over to my wishlist and make my frickin day! Anyway, until next time be good, stay off the chem's and don;t be gay. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.10.08-01.01
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Zdravo, kako si? Welcome to Orsmnet for another update jam packed full of all the goodness the internet has to off. The best bit? It's all freeeeeee...!!

Sometimes you just have those weeks where nothing can knock you down. This week has been one of those weeks but God knows they've tried a few times.

Saturday was sweet. Bummed around for most of the day and then finished out the evening and early hours with a mates Buck's night. Much alcohol was consumed, we were privy to a dose of female nudity followed by a long night of even more drinking at our favourite bar. I poured myself into bed around 4am quite drunk.

For some strange reason I woke up at 7:30. Wide awake. I lay there for a while contemplating my day but it occurred to me after a while that although I wasn't feeling particularly under the influence I was probably still too far over the limit to drive anywhere. Back to sleep for a few more hours.

When I finally got up I was greeted with the first Sunday of summer. Okay sure, it's still not technically summer but the first Sunday of summer phenomenon is one I look forward too all year long. It's that magic day where the sun is out and the weather is perfect and signals the start of, amongst other things, the cruising season. I absolutely live for this Sunday and I'm glad it has come so early - last year it didn't arrive until December.

So what to do? How to enjoy this magical day? Easy. Bundle myself and the dog in the car and head for the beach to stretch our legs and give the pooch a run... and obviously have a perv at the hot chica's strutting their stuff. After that a cruise down the coast was had before heading home to clean the mountain of dog hair out of my car.

Thankfully the weekend didn't end there as Monday was a public holiday so the 'bust a cap' call was made. Had an awesome time too. We had a play with a .40 cal Para Ordnance pistol [which is quickly becoming my weapon of choice] and 12 gauge pump-action shotty. There's something so completely gratifying about shooting a gun that powerful but it also gives you an enormous respect for the destructive capability it possesses. The more I get into this whole shooting thing the more I'm enjoying it.

As I drove home I began to realise that everything had just gone a little too smoothly for the last three days and the pessimist in me started to expect something to fuck it all up. Funnily enough I was right. I stopped at some traffic lights and notice what looks like smoke pouring out from under the bonnet and into the car via the air vents. Fuck. Absolutely nowhere to pull over and not too far from home I nurse it back whilst keeping a close eye on the temperature gauge which was telling me everything was all good. Weird.

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I pull into my driveway and stop. Wooshka. Steam and smoke start billowing out from under my car. Fuck again. I pop the hood expecting to see a fire but am somewhat relieved to find it's a broken heater pipe spewing water directly onto the exhaust manifold. Close it up - car is officially out of action. Frickin' great.

I finally get my shit together today and get it to the mechanics... or should I say professional scammers. Mid afternoon rolls around and the phone rings. It's the guy from the service centre explaining what the problem is and also that my extended warranty isn't going to cover what's gone wrong. Let this be a lesson to never bother with the extended warranty they force down your throat when buying a car! It is completely fucking useless in every regard as the shit it covers is carefully selected because they know it will never break.

Apparently not only has a heater hose broken but the water has transmission oil floating in it... they yanked out the radiator and sent it out for pressure testing and whatever else so I think at this point it's safe to say I'm staring down the inevitable prospect of a rather large bill.

This is really the icing on the cake. I average around 10-12,000 kilometres a year and for the amount of fuck-ups I've had to endure and the amount of money I've had to spend fixing them, I simply can't justify keeping the car any longer. This year alone I've had it back at the dealers at least a dozen times having shit fixed. One things for sure though - I dearly love this car, it's my pride and joy and I will be sad to see her go.

If you've been reading my site for any period of time you would notice that each week I plug Newbie Nudes. This just isn't because they are paying me to do so... it's because Newbie Nudes is easily the best site of its kind on the net today. Hundreds of thousands of pics which are added to daily, tonnes of vids and the ability to interact with thousands of people that love to get their gear off and show what they've got... did I mention it's all free too? Check it now!

If you feel like getting interactive, you can always chat with TangoTime's 2000+ gorgeous webcam models entirely for free. Their FREE live video teaser chat feature is hot! You're bound to find someone you like, as there are over 100 models live any time of the day, 24/7! Click here to check it out now!

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean..

Click for more awesomeness

Hostage Situation - Gigantic Excavator - Top Ten Top Speeds - Gaffa Tape Fun - KFC Chickens

Dress up Anna Kournikova - Chris Rocks Tips - Across The USA In 4 Minutes - Jaws In 30 Seconds

Sometimes the obvious makes sense. Sometimes not. I don't know what the hell this guy was thinking but if there was a school for criminals he definitely would have failed. Never, ever run from a Police dog...

Joe goes to his optometrist to have his eyes examined. The doctor tells him, "Joe, you've got to stop masturbating!" "Why, Doc?" Joe asked. "Am I going blind?" "No," said the optometrist. "But you're upsetting my other patients!"
--
Jordan phones the doctor late one night. "Doctor," she says in a panic, "you've got to come over. Peter's just swallowed a condom." The doctor rushes to get his things together when the phone rings again. It's Jordan again. "Don't worry, Doc, there's no need to come round," she says. "We've found another one."
--
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Hell-OOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

ORSM VIDEO

Two things I love dearly are the 80's and dance music. Combine those two things and you've got a winner. Many of you guy's may have seen or heard this already - it's the latest from a guy called Eric Prydz. I don't know what it is about this song but after 30 secs of listening it has become one of my all time favourites. Check it...

Eric Prydz - Call On Me

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Patrick, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. "Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato . Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The bloody potato goes in the front!"

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MyFreePaySite.com is the latest thing to sweep the net. Here's how it works: you go the site and you download to your hearts content! It's that simple. They've got ALL the latest celebrity sex vids, including the Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee sex tape, the Paris Hilton sex tape plus thousands of porn vids and squillions of pics and like I said it's ALL FOR FREE! All you gotta do is give them an email address to sign up - you can even use a hotmail address! Check it out now!

READER MAIL
Piles of interesting email from you guy's this week - keep it coming! If you've got something to say or share or something cool you think is Orsm-worthy then click here to send it my way!

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Interesting Comments Made by Zac.
Given the choice between the lessor of two evils, who would you chose? GWB of John Kerry? Neither has a proven track record of accomplishment. I am not looking for an answer, just a rhetorical question. Unfortunately, the US system of three way control, Legislative (Congress), Executive (President) and Judicial (Supreme Court), no single person (i.e. the President) can make a substantial impact on the way the US handles foreign or domestic affairs. So therefore we are left to defend the limited actions of all three. We are currently debating the Pledge of Allegiance and the words "One Nation Under God." No one has, nor ever will, define who "God" is, and what that means. We are a nation composed of nationalities from all over the world, so who is to say what is and what is not? Certainly not me. I myself believe in a Christian God, but do not discount the beliefs of others.

The US constantly sends our troops composed of multiple nationalities around the world defending the US definition of Civil Rights, and then gets criticized for doing so. Should we close out eyes, ears and make believe that what we are doing does not make the world a better place? By no means are we perfect, or everything we do correct. But should we be subjected to the criticism of being arrogant and oil hungry? Maybe so. If we were able to take the amount of money spent on foreign affairs, we could easily provide a higher quality of living for each and every individual here in the US. But then, would we not be criticized for not defending the rights of others around the world? Why is it that they seem to come to the US for a better life?

Len wrote:
Subject: useless info
Hi Mr Orsm . Im'm a convert...Your site kicks ass. Thanks. Just for the record... I doubt any of your schoolfriends discovered Post-its, sadly. Dr. Spencer Silver, a 3M scientist, discovered the formula for the sticky stuff back in 1968. see here.

Bubba and Moby wrote:
Subject: I love camera phones!!!
Hey, a buddy of mine had these pictures sent to him by accident. He called the chick and she was a total Bitch to him. So I figured who better to share them with. God Bless ORSM!!

Ross MacPherson wrote:
Subject: FW: creative writing in the army
Today's US Army uses a form of punishment called Reinforcement by Indorsement (RBI), which is essentially having a soldier write a 1000 word essay for errors in judgement, etc. Here is a photoreproduction of one soldier's version of an RBI for not having brought all his equipment to the specified event. Who said soldiers were trained not to think.

click to view

Kris wrote:
Subject: The Bin Laden Family
Hi Orsm. Love your site.... Thought you might like this photo. Its from a trade magazine called Building published in the UK. The article is all about the Bin Laden construction company & how it is dealing with the negative press from Osama being the most wanted man in the World. However the photo is a classic & shows the whole family while on a trip to a Swedish town called Falun in 1971. Osama is the second one in from the right in a Olive green top & blue jeans. Check out the pink car! Hope the scan is of good enough quality?

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Abi A wrote:
Subject: GREAT stuff for your site :o)
Hi Mr.Orsm, You have to put this on your site: This guy (Jason) met me in the Lycos Chat Room and calls himself "The Randy Badger". He sent me some photos of himself which were quite impressive until I discovered he had fucked around with them with a graphics program to make his cock look bigger !!! JUST HOW SAD IS THAT ? So now I feel you should post his REAL and FAKE photos for all to see, it's time he took the walk of shame. Remember girls, if a guy called "The Randy Badger" tries to chat you up, chances are he's a pencil dick who needs a bigger cock. Check out the roll of toilet paper in the photo of him, probably keeps it there 24/7 to masturbate in the Lycos Chat Room each night !!! LMAO
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Slut wrote:
Subject: Lacrosstitutes
Hey Bitch. Boobs at lacrosse. this sat there will be boobs from all teams cos finals are at roasalie in subiaco

Great ass... -Orsm

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Scott wrote:
Subject: funny pic
Hey Orsm. During the AFL Grand Final Parade I snapped this pic which I thought you might enjoy.

This pisture makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever... why the hell would she ve carring that sign? -Orsm

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Andy Flajnik wrote:
Subject: 09-30-04
welcome to spring ORSM! we are heading into fall here in Canada, new advertisments at a local A&W burger shack, enjoy!! keep up the good work mate!!

I know where I'm going for lunch in future... -Orsm

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David Harvey wrote:
Subject: Check This Out!!!!
TVR 3000M came through a 90mph bend but didnt make it! I was only saying 10 mins before hand what a beautiful old classic that is, now its that was!!!! Wish I had a time machine

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spiderwumunx wrote:
Subject: my tits (pics)
Dear MR. Awesome, I am sending you two pictures. One is of my tits covered in cum, and the other is of my tits with a rather large cock between them. It seems that the gentlemen whose member stars in these pics has decided he would like to blackmail me. So I thought it might be useful to send you a couple of the pics before he sends copys to my parents or boyfriend or posts them on the net. Seeing as how he is threatening to put them out there and every one is going to see them, why not beat him to it and send them to my favorite site. There are more pics, not all that flattering or sexy though, but if you would like more or if i get bored i just may send them along to you.

Nitta Sayuri wrote:
Subject: Reader Mail
Hey Orsm, I love your site! Bi!Hispanic!Female here who loves the site and all the lovely hot pictures you post of fems, and random hot ones of the guys screwing the chicks. I saw that you post some pictures sometimes that readers send in. And since the site loves boobs, well hell, here's a gift for the site. If it's crap or whatever, no problem with trashing it. Anywho, hope someone gets a kick out of it.

click to enlarge

Fredrik Hansen wrote:
Subject: Stowing away the Gixxer for winter
A rare few people ride their bikes in winter here in Norway. These guys are not among those; hence the Gixxer is put away for the cold season.

Awesome video! -Orsm

click to view video

DbEoEbR wrote:
Subject: Times Like Heat
Love your site and thought I could add to the wide array of content. After noticing that the sax solo in Glenn Frey's "The Heat is On" is much like the lead guitar in the Foo Fighter's "Times Like These" I decided it was time for a duet. The 2 songs go scarily well together. If you decide to add it to your site could you plug/provide a link to my site ? I'm a struggling musician that could use the traffic. Enjoy !

click to listen

Tim wrote:
Subject: THE BET!
A guy from work here tried to drink 4L of milk in an hour for a $300 bet. He came close, but failed .. Check it ! :-) Taken yesterday, post it on ORSM !

I reckon I could do that... -Orsm

click to view video
Dave Sackett wrote:
Subject: A REAL mans car
Yes I know Mr Orsm....................... your a Ford fan.................. but you gotta be slightly impressed with this......... Check out the tyres - 335/30 ZR20's .... Unfortunately - for the US market only. All engine parts are from the Gen IV small block family. Engine Displacement: 6.4L (389 CID) Bore: 105.03mm (4.135") Stroke: 92.00mm (3.622") REV Limit: 7000 RPM Peak Hp: 575 Hp @ 6800 RPM Peak Tq: 500 Lb-Ft @ 5200 RPM Compression Ratio: 10.5:1 Cam Shaft: Custom GM Hyd Roller Valve lift: 15.75mm (.620") Cam Duration Int: 232 deg @ .050" Tappet Cam Duration Exh: 272 deg @ .050" Tappet 90mm Throttle Body Dual Mass Air Flow sensors, Cold air induction system
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Tiny Elvis wrote:
Subject: Ex-Girlfriend
Hi Orsm. Just seen the update, thanks for including the pics I sent of my ex. Shame you doubted if they were for real though, as they are. They were actually taken by me, to prove it (and also to give you some more material, and me some more pay back) I've attached some more pics from another set I took. Different underwear, same background, same person. Hope this proves I was being straight with you. Still love the site!

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Harry answers the phone. It's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she's lost all use of both arms. And both legs. She'll never be able to walk again or talk. She'll be a complete vegetable or the rest of her life. She'll never be able to eat on her own or go to the bathroom again."

"My God! What's the good news?" "I'm just messing with you. She's dead!"

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A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: " I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, It's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? And if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

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A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you've grown to 12 inches?" "No... It's turned black."

ORSM VIDEO

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded." The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

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A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts depending on a woman's age.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."

RANDOM SHITE

A very mixed bunch for this week's Random Shite... I hope for my sake that I've nailed it to everyone's liking. Check em out and see what you think...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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This is a story about a popular, young Detroit Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush. No one wants him to leave. Leroy, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Maurice, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applauses.

Mrs. Ella May, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush.

The preacher, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?" Mrs. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said...'Screw Him'"

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A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "let's talk". I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss??". "I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power??".

"OK" said, little Tommy. "That is an interesting topic but let me ask YOU a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass - the he same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is??"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea". "Well, then," said little Tommy. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit??"

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Okay well I'm done for another week. It was a mission to get this update all done and finished - it hit 10:30pm and I started getting emails and messages from people asking what was going on and why was there no update. I've been working my ass off lately to try and get as much stuff done so I can have a bit of a break come January so that's my excuse.

Anyway I'm outta here but rest assured I shall return next week! In the mean time if you feel like showing me your love and graciously thanking me for all the work I put into providing this website for free then don't let me stop you visiting my wishlist! Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and remember to do god's work. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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