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Welcome to Orsm.net. Aioli.
It almost passed me by again
without remembering but this September marks six years since Orsm.net
was born. SIX YEARS! I can hardly believe it! Doesn't feel like
that long [that's what she said] but here we are.
As you guys may remember last
week was marked with the passing of another birthday for yours truly.
It actually sucked more than last tear because the only break from
getting the update finished was a brief interlude where my family
dropped past with icecream cake. Seriously is there any better cake
than icecream cake?
Present count = 2. A baking dish
and a gift voucher. Yes I am unloved. I think that's an all time
record actually. Not that I really give a crap... I end up telling
everyone not to get me anything plus I'm impossible to shop for
because everything I want is either too expensive or I don't want
because my house is too small for more junk. Hey and let's not forget
less presents means less having to conceal disappointment when you
get something you hate...
Birthdays... I'm not a huge fan.
I don't like much attention, hugs and kisses, anyone to sing happy
birthday or even drop around. Just a quick call, email, SMS, whatever...
I hate anyone going out of their way on my behalf but just an acknowledgement
is more than enough. And did I get that? Fuck no!
It's rare that I get angry or
annoyed and when I do it never lasts long. I have better things
to do than sit around stewing over something but when a couple of
my closest friends [you know who you are fuckers!] completely forgot
it pushed my buttons in a big way. I can't explain why either...
admittedly it all sounds like a bitchy overreaction right? I mean
who gives a fuck? They just forgot - no big deal right? And with
that I agree 100% but you feel how you feel I guess.
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So two days later, late Saturday
afternoon, half way through washing half the south west from my
car I get visitors. At some point previous my friends had
finally figured out why I'd bailed them for footy and why wasn't
returning messages. It was all pretty funny by this stage... they
came bearing cake, felt like assholes and even insisted on finishing
cleaning my car so it didn't take much for me to forgive them. The
best part? I've now got something to manipulate them with in the
future. Ie. "I want to do this." "No." "But you forgot my birthday..."
Saturday was also the elimination
round deciding who, the West Coast Eagles or Adelaide Crows, would
make this weeks AFL
Grand Final. I can safely say it was one of the worst games
of football I have ever seen. How many fucking times do you need
to handball it? Kick the ball LONG and ATTACK for fucks sake!
Miraculously the Eagles managed
to come from behind in the last quarter and hold on to win which
means we've got a rematch of last years Grand Final against the
Sydney Swans. Hopefully we can get up and take the flag but if Saturday's
game was anything to go by [and as much as it pains me to say this]
I don't see them doing it. Sydney to win.
Back to last weekend... after
I had listened to apologies for an hour or two and after the car
was spotless we all decided to head out on the town for a drink.
Probably about as short notice as you can get for a night on the
town so there were only a handful of us but we still had an awesome
time. The funniest part of the night was when we lined up to get
a cab home and I got into an argument with a dyke over my flagrant
use of the word 'dyke' whilst recounting a story where I may or
may not of been assaulted by dykes at the same place two years ago.
It ended with my asking her if she was calling me fat then me calling
her a fat dyke and then telling her I would see her and her dyke
mates at the local gay bar next week. What did she say? Who cares...
she's just a dyke.
Wow that's a page already. I
really had tones to crap on about this week but I shall spare you
all and get on with it...
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Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks
the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly
clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says in
to the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in
Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence...
"Well, fucking stop clapping then!!"
--
A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced Port Adelaide supporter walks
into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them
all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning
and welcome to Big W – nice children you've got there - are
they twins?" The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger
one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you
really think they look alike, ya dickead?" "Absolutely not," replies
the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!"
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A retired corporate executive, now a widower,
decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise
and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship
sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people,
no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four
months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous
woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come
from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from
the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship
sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were
really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh,
this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out
of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from
gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On
the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial
rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature
in my kiln, it melted like iron. I used that for tools and used
the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before
him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in
blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly
woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would
you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts
out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have
a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man
accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have
exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower
and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece
of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened
on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing,"
he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively,
slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months.
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like
doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares
into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..."
he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "...
don't tell me you've built a Golf Course."
ORSM
VIDEO
I
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I
knew the Boss would not allow me to take any leave. I thought that
maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days
off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was
doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that
the Boss might think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light
bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate
for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the
office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the
Boss asked her "...and where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.
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READER MAIL
Mail male mayl... I usually write
something here about how there has been a crap load of email from
you guys this week which almost exploded my inbox. Now even though
there was a crap load and my inbox did almost explode I'm not going
to go on about it. That would be gay. I'll just say there was a
lot. Oh by the way I apparently fucked up the Overflow last week
so here is the
link again.
Got something to contribute?
Awesome because we love seeing whatever you've got including funny
vids and pics, jokes, compromising pics of a tasty ex or current
girlfriend, or anything else you can staple to an email
and send. All you must do is click
here and send away!
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Subject: HighQualityPharma
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John
wrote:
Subject: Family-friendly fun by the Cairns lagoon
There's nothing better than living up
here in Cairns. Especially being able to spend lunch times
down on the esplanade and enjoying the great views. Here's
some pics a workmate took yesterday... Tuesday 19 September
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Chris
wrote:
Subject: my exe s ass
Hi man your site is great. hires my ex
girlfriend pic that slut has now another guy thats why u
got the pic now, its me and her, put it online if u can
and lett me now what link.
An ass that good and only one
pic!? -Orsm
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andreas
wrote:
Subject: my wife
hi orsm. greetings from gremany. she is
my wife.you can post
Again - only one pic? What's wrong with you people!? -Orsm |
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Scott Barclay
wrote:
Subject: photos of signs
Hi Orsm. I was recently in China where
I took these photos.
I'm reckon they make these signs
deliberately. Brings in the tourists. -Orsm
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Vertisun
wrote:
Subject: Dear Dad
Hey Dad, a funny thing happened when
I got home last night. You're gonna love this, I can see
you laughing and saying "You silly Bugger" Ha
Ha Ha! My foot accidentally slipped off the brake pedal
and jammed down on the accelerator as I was coming up the
drive. I'm really sorry, but I know you will find forgiveness
in your heart. If you need me, I have spent the night out
side the Naval Recruiting office and I'll be home in about
6 years. Your Son, David
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: RS pic
Hey, love the site, keeps me entertained
every week. Here is a pic I snapped whilst in Colorado -
might be interesting. Please dont show my details.
I like these kind of pics. Anyone
got similar of their own wheels? Email me! -Orsm
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: pix from the old harddisc
hi mr. orsm! finally i found somethink
to send....! found this on an old harddisc here in our office
- seem's that the secritary forget to delete some
pics before she was leaving the company.... enjoy - and
share it to the world! all the best - keep on rockin the
net! cheers a.
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Austin Powers
wrote:
Subject: Typical holden driver :-)
from a ford forum: "Came across
this on the way back from woomera on a work trip. We were
the first there (or well to stop) and found the young bloke
lying on the side of the road. The lake was so boggy we
couldnt get very close and only had rope long enough to
reach and it wouldn't budge... When asked why he was on
the lake he said 'I was trying to do a skaifey'"
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Stupid Naive Ex
So here are pictures of my stupid naive
ex (18 now 19) from about half a year ago. Thinks he is
king of the world and that he sets all the trends yet he
makes his living sucking off old dudez and serving up icecream.
I found out too late but busted him and stopped him from
ex to the next after me from adding to his collection of
trinkets to try to hide how poor he is. A expensive robe
here, a picture of him leaning against someone else's car
there, and poof he's a rich boi! He was stupid enough to
leave me a lot of passwords to try to gain my trust and
plenty more photos than this on my pc before I left his
side and took everything with me leaving him to starve and
suffer. Sometime soon afterward he slept with a 15 year
old after getting lied to about their age and got caught
totally off guard when he got owned online with the other
photo included of him next to a stop sign. He came whining
to me to help him from some young kid doing the same thing
to him that he does to other guys. Smell the irony? I love
when people take things back from him that mean something
to him.
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Beejay
wrote:
Subject: my psycho mate
Hi Orsm. Have a mate who plays a kind
of wargame called airsoft. He's a bit of a pyro and took
it upon himself to make a home made rocket propelled grenade
launcher. This video shows a 'small' rocket being fired.
I'm pleased he's my mate and not an enemy!
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Gav
wrote:
Subject: Great answering machine mesage..
Hey man.. this is an answering machine
message from a bird called twink. Shes a minor tv celeb
in Ireland. I think the Irish ex pat boys will like this...
good example of a woman scorned I think..
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: Crazy dancing
i love your site, i look forward to friday
mornings so much. i had this guys parents in today buying
a car. i think he was bored, just dancing to his own beat!
i had to be sneeky with my phone. can i say hey to my mates
Floppy, Wolfy and zaino?? oh wait i just did.
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Monty Chapman
wrote:
Subject: dukes of haggard
happy birthday
man.. i will be making a good effort 2 get a video in each week. |
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West Locals
wrote:
Subject: westlocals
Mister Awesome Orsm, This is a vid i
made for calaisturbo.com.au
an Australian based VL calais car group website. the song
used in it is "Crazy - Gnarls Barkley" you cand
find more vids on our website at westlocals.com.
peace out and GO THE FARKIN EAGLES! "Were not here
to play in a grand final, were here to win the premiership!"
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<with held>
wrote:
Subject: from Greece (homade porno video!!!)
Hey orsm that's cool site.... there is
nice stuff to see. i send you a homade video that i find
it from a friend. Do not post my email or any other info
about me. Bye from Greece.
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub
all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick,
the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
Paddy. Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.
He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls
himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards
the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself
that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be
fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls
flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he
says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to
the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies
inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'
way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says
"I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room
and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls
into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into
the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I
did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick
phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub."
ORSM
VIDEO
A young blonde was on vacation and
driving through the Everglades wanted to take home a pair of genuine
alligator shoes, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the
local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the
"no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and
catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,
"Little lady, just go and give it a try!" SoThe blonde
headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving
home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the
same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun
in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly
toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature
and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.
Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures,
all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in
silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto
its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration,
she shouts out.. "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
The couple was each 85 years old, and had been
married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed
to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young,
they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence
on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they
went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off
to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted
them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold
and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in
the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes
in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome
to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked St. Peter how much all this
was going to cost. "Why, nothing," St. Peter replied,
"Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there
he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than
any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled
the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You
can play free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them,
from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free-flowing beverages
and a fountain of Champagne. "Don't even ask," said St.
Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to
enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously
at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol
foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the
best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink
as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get
fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out
at all?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never
again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You
and your bran muffins! We could have been here twenty years ago!"
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Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the
Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over
the years, Ariel Sharon, the Minister of Israel, sent a proposal
to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played
between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate
the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and
the Jews.
The Pope then met with the College of Cardinals
to discuss the proposal. "Your Holiness," said one of
the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game
of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid
that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had
never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a
Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a
Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "There is a man
named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic.
We can arrange to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play
Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our
spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match." Everyone
agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honoured and he agreed to play as a representative
of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to
the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal
Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,"
said the golfer. "Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus,"
said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag,
but even though I have played some terrific rounds of golf in my
life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have
been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons
were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all
due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope
asked. "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Woods."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night
Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realised they both
needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested
they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she
took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend
however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to
ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones
the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have
got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back
with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said,
'From all of us at the Fire Station, well never forget you!'"
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation
so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could
do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When
you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling
yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought
himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he
ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked
and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when
I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my
penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in
the air!"
ORSM
VIDEO
Okay dudes time to pulling the pin on this update.
Yes, the time has come for me to call it a night, find some dinner
and get some sleep.
When will I be back? Well I gotta say if you
haven't worked out by now that every Thursday is update day then
you are gayer than David Tench. Anyway if you can't handle waiting
that long then I highly recommend taking a walk through the Orsm
Archives. Every single update going back until 2000 is safely
entombed for your surfing pleasure.
Until next time be good, stay off the chem's
and bring on Spring. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
