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December 2015...
orsmupdate 2015.12.24-16.33

Welcome to 75% definitely sure.


Orsm Christmas updates have a tendency to get a little out of hand. I always end up jamming way more in than necessary (that's what she said) but there is always a reason - it's the last update for the 2015. That makes 51 consecutive in a year that felt like was never going to end. But it will. Hopefully.

Last week I promised to keep going with a rundown of my making a tourist of myself adventures but, despite looong history of doing so, completely forgot that the last update of any year is always a rundown of what went on over the course of. So let's do that and save all the other stuff til later.

First things first. Videos. You guys chewed down a fruckload of bandwidth pleasuring yourselves. Nothing new. You're all fucking perverts after all. Thankfully, for the most part, the site servers held up pretty well. So why don't we take a look at the top 5 'amateur' vids posted:

Next up are the videos not in the 'amateur' category. The 'everything else' category. All up there were 3,586 new videos posted this year, about 10 a day, and it will surprise no one that 4 of the top 5 have a sexual component. Seriously without the internet we would all be FUCKED. Alright here goes:

Images. Galleries take a loooong time to compile and you guys smash them so probably worth it right? It's always surprising what is most popular because it's never quite what I'd expect. So let's look at the top 5 most popular galleries:

RESTAURANT FLASHING - is there anything else i can get you?

Most popular update for the year was one I prepared earlier - the first week of December. Most popular RS for the year was this one a week later. Both those updates while I was in far away places. I think that about it with the stats.

I'm trying to keep it short because like the rest of the world I've got far too much to do before tomorrow. Seriously must have been smoking something when we volunteered to host the fam, some extended fam and friends for Christmas lunch. The house is a fucking pigsty, cost an obscene amount for food, presents still not wrapped and I'm exhausted thinking about it. Things don't really quieten down from there either - have been waiting for the Boxing Day sales because I cannot help myself when it comes to getting a bargain, then there's a family wedding on the 27th and a BBQ thing is brewing at our place NY's Day. In other words, the downtime I was looking forward to is less and less likely to happen. Oh poor me being surrounded by friends and loved ones...

Finally... HUGE thank you to everyone who email bombed me throughout the year. Just as big a thank you to those who only occasionally email me. Fuck you to everyone who doesn't. I'll kill you ALL! Actually that reminds me - there's a motherload of Reader Mail submissions to start combing through and posting. Will give that a crack in January but as we saw this past Jan, there were so many that it took 6 months to do so.

Okay. Let's do it. Grab a box of tissues, close the door and get ready to thrash your cock raw. Check it...

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DubfoundedHow A Jerk Steals A Parking Spot - Drone LakeWatch As Naked Ballet Dancers And Drones Perform A Bizarre Version Of Swan Lake - Look TwicePhotos You Need To Look Twice At - 60 Images Of People That Totally Defy All The Rules Of Nature - H4x0r3dHow To Hack Those Tricky Plastic Computers - Nailed ItPhotos Captured At Exactly The Right Moment' - 60 Amazing Instances You Could Never Replicate - DeathproofTerrifying: Introducing The Anti-Earthquake Bed Which Looks Suspiciously Like A Horrible Bed Coffin - Worth ItHere’s What A $32k Plane Ticket Will Get You - OH FMLThe Hole Where Nightmares Come From - LowlifePunk Kid Is Trying To Impress His Homies So He Decides To Beat Up His Girl For Staining The Toilet With Her Period. - HEAD MasterHeadmaster Caught Having Oral Sex With Math Teacher - TrollfaceYes, You Will Be Screaming, Shortly After Starting The Game. The Screams Will Be Heard Far And Wide. Just Make Sure You Begin To Play From Within A Sound Proof Room, Or Someone May Think You're Being Murdered.

Street FeverThis Is A Crisis No One Ever Foresaw. - Nip SlipDemi Lovato’s Nipple Makes An Unplanned But Welcomed Appearance - Sexy CowgirlHere’s Busty Amateur Natasha Getting Naked. That Hat Will Have To Be A Lot Bigger To Cast A Shadow Over Tits That Size. Dang. - Sweet CansBai Ling In See Through Pink Scarf - Is This Real?Not A Great Idea To Fly Around In A Helicopter When The Weather Sucks, And The Only Thing That Sucks More Than Flying Around A Tornado Is Falling Out Of A Helicopter. - Too FarYou'd Never Guess This Adorable Cutie On The Left Managed Get Her Account Banned For Offending A Lot Of People. Not At Efukt Though! - Nice FacialShe Loves The Feeling Of A Load Busted On Her Face - In Her AssGorgeous Tied Up Redhead Gets Fucked Up The Ass And Its Awesome. - Arm ExplodesBodybuilder's Shoulder Pops And Starts Leaking On Stage - UnnaturalYou See This Quite Often Lately, Girls Who Upgraded Their Tits And Are Very Happy With It But In Fact It's A Complete Failure. Most Of Them Book A Flight To A Cheap Country For The Surgery. Yes Its Cheap But You Get Where You Paid For - A Half Done Job With Deformed Tits.

Super BattleThe Blorgs Have Had Their Eyes On Your Land For Eons... Maybe Even Longer. They Thirst For Conquest, They Crave New Lands, They Wants What You Have. - Say What?Hillary Clinton's Communication's Director Is Having A Problem With, Well, Communicating - Throat FuckDude Goes A Little Too Hard On His Wife, Damn Near Chokes Her To Death With His Cock - Double BlojeTwo Nerdy Schoolgirls From My Class Are Still Virgins And Had To Do A Class Project With Me. I Convinced Them To Suck My Dick And They Shared My Jizz All Over Their Faces. - Hawt HousewifeErica Campbell As A Busty Housewife Who’s Taking Her Clothes Off To Iron Them! - Drunk FlashA Drunk Kayleigh Morris Flashes Her Boobs On The Street - Self FacialWhen Talking About A Facials You Think At First Of A Guy Unloading On A Girls Face But This Girl Also Has A Pretty Special Skill. She Works Her Pussy With A Dildo And When She Is About To Cum She Swings Her Legs In The Air To Have A Taste Of Her Own Juice. Well Done. - Death By CockA Proud Self-Identified "Throat Slut" With Self-Destructive Blowjob Skills Attempts Total Sexual Martyrdom Via Co-Stars Penis. I Like This Bitch, She's Fucking Crazy! - CurvesssLaura Wells Has A Real Body That You Will Fucking Love

My mate just texted me: "What are you up to?" I text back: "Just raping my daughter's Christmas present". He wrote: "Lol... you mean wrapping?" I text back: "No, I've got her a pony".
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn 't unwrapped his present.
A young woman asks her mother "Mum, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, answers "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks. "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only".
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened".
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor". Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service". 
Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're right too. It'd be Chrita.
My friend told me to buy Rage Against the Machine's "Killing In The Name" in protest against the X-Factor always getting the Christmas No. 1. I said, "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me".


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-Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

-While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

-Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

-While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

-Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

-Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa".

-Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

-Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

-While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

-Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

-Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime".

-Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

-While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

-Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

-Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

-Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

-Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

-Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled". Threaten to sue for personal injury.

-Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

-Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us.


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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3am drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"


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Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising sitting on top of Christmas trees. There was just one rule they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone!

The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.

One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said "Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!" Harry the Hare was shocked. "Father Christmas doesn't allow it!" he gasped. "Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into Goon!"

But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and whispered "Don't worry, we won't get caught!" Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking... and kissed Floella the fairy!

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH! of wind. Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found himself in the court of Father Christmas!

And Father Christmas was furious! "Harry the Hare! You have been found guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?" "I never meant to!" Harry the Hare snivelled. "If you let me off I promise I'll never do it again... just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! Don't turn me into a Goon!"

Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said "I'll give you one more chance... just one more!"

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind. Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.

"Hiya, handsome," she whispered. "Give us a kiss!"

Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!" he cried. But when she tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble. "Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon! "For one little kiss from me it's worth it!" Floella murmured. And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the fairy.

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH! of wind. Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father Christmas!

"You foolish hare!" Father Christmas roared. "You have had your chance! Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon tomorrow!"

Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he reached the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures and said tearfully... "Ah, well, that's life! Hare today... and Goon tomorrow".


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My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving, Emily.

Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always, Emily.

My darling Edward, You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.

Your devoted Emily.

Dearest Edward, What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.

Dearest Edward, The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you, Emily.

Dear Edward, Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love, Emily.

Edward, I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Yours, Emily.

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.


Look here, Edward, this has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!


As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.


This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.

Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully, J. Simpson Attorney at law.


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If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. 

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: 

Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.

Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level 4.)

Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning - their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest anybody. Or, if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal. Here's how to handle it:

Police: "Good evening. Are you the host?"
You: "No".
Police: "We've been getting complaints about this party".
You: "About the drugs?"
Police: "No".
You: "About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?"
Police: "No, the noise".
You: "Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The neighbours?"
Police: "No, the neighbours fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from several miles away. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?"
You: "No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind down".

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It was Christmas time and the Postman's favourite time of the year.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who wished him a 'Merry Christmas' and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing hooks, and the folks at the fourth and fifth houses had clubbed together to present him a fishing rod.

At the sixth house he was met by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind (amongst other things) with the most passionate lovemaking he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast - eggs, bacon, sausages, fried bread, tomato, waffles and freshly-squeezed orange juice - the works.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night I asked my husband what we should give the postman for Christmas. He said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar!' "Breakfast was my idea..".


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The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping channels and online sales have diminished Santa's market share and they could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.

Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

-The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

-The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

-The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

-The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

-The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

-The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

-The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

-As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

-Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

-Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing the group with ten out-of-work police officers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed officers this year.

-Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

-We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

-Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a- litigating"), action is pending.

-Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if 'seven dwarfs' is a) the right number and b) changed to 'the seven vertically challenged folk'.


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-I prefer breasts to legs.
-Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
-Smother the butter all over the breasts.
-If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
-I've never seen a better spread!
-I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
-Are you ready for seconds yet?
-It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
-Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
-Don't play with your meat!
-Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
-Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
-I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
-You still have a little bit on your chin.
-How long will it take after you put it in?
-You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
-Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
-That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
-I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
-Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.


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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on take-off!"


Merry Christmas, Fuckers.

-Follow me on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. All the SFW stuff you see on orsm now flows daily on to your favourite social media!
-Check out the site archives. They're better than any present Santa could bring.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Just kidding. See you on the 4th... probably/maybe.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will poison bait the reindeers.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and ???. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.12.17-17.29

Welcome to the more it costs, the better it is... and THAT'S the bottom line.

I'm back fuckers. Bet you didn't even know I was gone? It's amazing what you can achieve with a bunky old laptop. Okay not THAT amazing. Mistakes were made in a couple of updates but let's forgive and stop being cunts about it forget. What I managed to punch out with the aid of a bunky laptop is the long talked about U.S. trip. So this week we'll talk about that some more... and probably next week too.

Firstly, I'll begin by starting with what not to do. DO NOT think it'll "be okay" to travel for almost 40 hours with a toddler. DO NOT ever think it's easy to travel with a toddler. Even before the U.S. was on the agenda, the plan had always been to do the Middle East to visit friends. Ultimately that meant going the long [read: wrong] way from Australia to the States. DO NOT fly the long way to the States. Two flights, 3 massive barfs, only 1 spare change of clothes and very little sleep make for a shockingly unforgettable experience. What's more, and there is no way to say this without sounding horribly racist, the 'subcontinent' passengers which made up the majority on board, behaved like animals and made the fifteen hours from Abu Dhabi to Washington DC a living hell. So for anyone not getting my drift - the Indians managed to be more disgusting than being thrown up on twice in the same flight by a baby.

After that debacle you can imagine we were pretty happy to touch down in DC. We had a 4 days there and the GF was busy with work leaving me to explore solo with baby in between naps. This juggled with barely any sleep plus jetlag makes for a challenging conditions. But we overcame, eventually, no one died and DC was great. It's always been on my bucket list so getting to experience was always going to be satisfying. I could write much more than I'm about to but here's me keeping it brief: 1) Had no idea DC was such a 'black' city. Absolutely no problem with that. We chatted to anyone that would chat back and that ended up being a lot of black people. Even when we were the whitest people on the blackest bus it was always cool - nothing like how The Wire portrayed black neighbourhoods. 2) DC food was shit. Everything from China Town to I don't even know where, sucked balls. The only decent bite I got was after Ubering to a greasy restaurant 20 minutes from our apartment. 3) Uber fucking rules in DC. 4) Incredibly beautiful city and there is soooo much cool shit to see. Countless museums, buildings and monuments that would take months to cover and they're free to enter. Unfortunately such a short time in town meant I missed a few on my must see list. 5) Security like whoa. A good example was the Capitol - heavily armed cops all around plus craploads of badass assault vehicles. No idea what kind of attack they are expecting but aint gonna happen, terrorists. 6) It's next to impossible for non-U.S. citizens to get on a Whitehouse tour but after much researching and patience, tix unexpectedly came through last minute. We lined up at 7am with a few hundred others freezing their nuts off and wait for the Parks Department and Secret Service to screen everyone. Takes about 45 minutes and the tour can be done in about 10 (or as long/slow as you like). It short but awesome and worth the wait. Also, didn't see the Obama's but did see their dogs. 7) People are far nicer, more courteous and considerate than I expected the average American to be. Was exiting out of a store on afternoon pushing the stroller, an old guy walking by turned around and came back to hold the door open. Weird in a way.

The GF and I usually discuss how liveable a city would be for us after visiting one; if we could happily pick up and move there tomorrow. Basically whilst all went well and as much as there's beautiful buildings and neighbourhoods and stuff to do, DC doesn't get the vote. There's this inescapable feeling that everything is about the business. Hardly surprising for the nation's capital but it's the opposite of laid back. Admittedly there may be a different answer if we stayed in a different area or did other activities but that could be said for any city anywhere.

Next was a short flight to Boston. Huge regret... but not because Boston sucked. Exactly the opposite is true. Straight up - I could happily live in Boston. The regret was only having only a couple of days there. So let's do it: 1) Undoubtedly the most (and I hate to use the word again) insanely beautiful city I've been to. I'm sure there's shitty parts but overall - wow. The AirBnB we booked was in Back Bay, a rich neighbourhood, so that probably didn't hurt. 2) Holy fucking road works/construction. Apparently last winter was brutal and harsh on the roads so they are now very busily doing anything and everything to avoid a repeat. Dozens upon dozens of crews digging shit up all over the place. Crazy. 3) Cold. 4) Once again, very friendly people. Got talking to a guy we met in Chipotle (first ever Chipotle and it was epic). Explained some stuff about the city and left before coming back a few minutes later to say he'd gone and checked and accidentally told us the wrong directions. 5) Lobster rolls are some sort of local staple and fucking good. What's not to love about flesh and mayo? On the other hand, chowder didn't do it for me at all. Not sure if bad recipe or just vile in general. 6) Learnt the term: Toe Head.

And with that we are into overtime already. Jesus Christ I can dribble when left unchecked and could happily keep going except rather than pump out another dozen paragraphs, we'll stash the remaining 4-5 cities for when you tune back next week. OH YES... don't forget that next Thursday is the last update of 2015. I'm currently hard at work making it fatter than your sisters flaps so do not miss. Alright... check it...

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My wife just ran away with a Muslim cleric... and to think I never used to like the smelly bastards!
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife smiled sweetly and said "Not this time..."
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb". The operator asks "is it tickin?" Paddy says "No I tink it's beef!"


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You remember that really, really embarrassing thing that happened to you one time? That one thing which, even though they may not say anything, your friends and fam have never forgotten? These are some of those stories - some cringeworthy and some *facepalm* but all good that they happened to someone else...

-Me and the girl I was seeing were really drunk. We got back to her parent's house from a party and wanted to have sex. Since her mum wasn't the biggest fan of me (we met when she barged into her daughter's room at 3am to complain about loud sex noises) we decided to do it outside on her front lawn. We did our thing and then immediately passed out... buck naked on her front lawn. We ended up being woken up by a neighbour mowing his lawn a few hours later.

-Whenever I'm at home alone, I usually end up on YouTube watching marriage proposal videos. Dozens of them. While watching them, I laugh, I cry, I smile, and I wish it was me.

-I was at the beach with a bunch of my friends. The guys went to play volleyball and I decided to hang back with the girls and get some shut eye. While I was asleep they used sun tan lotion to spell out "Hug Me" on my stomach. When I woke up about two hours later, I was a little bit sun burnt and noticed the sun tan lotion. The next day at the beach, the secret message showed up loud and clear and people kept laughing at me! I still haven't gotten them back.

-My GF and I are into swinging and decide to try a local club to see what its all about. We're the youngest people there by at least 20 years, we're new, and we're in good shape, so we're the centre of attention. My GF isn't keen on sleeping with any of them, so we're having sex together and attract a few people to watch, which turns into quite a few people in a few minutes. I'm really turned on by the audience, so I'm kind of lost in my own little world when one old guy sidles up behind me and rams his finger in my ass! No lube, no warning, no request. I open my mouth to yell at the fucker and he covers it with his free hand and shushes into my ear like I'm 2.

-Sometimes I hold in my pee until I can't anymore and then I wet myself on purpose. It's a masturbatory sort of a pleasure but not something I'd ever want to bring into the bedroom with a partner. I've associated having to pee with being turned on for as long as I can remember...

-One time I was having sex with this girl and I was on top so I had my head to her left and breathed really hard and ended up snorting a booger in her hair. I kind of freaked out but I ended up 'stroking' her hair to get it out. It was funny. I don't think she ever knew.

-While on spring break in Mexico, a bunch of my friends and I went swimming with the dolphins. It was cool, you hung onto the dolphin's fin as it dragged you around the pool and everyone watched. I was having a great time until the dolphin started to pick up speed... and my board shorts slipped off. As I continued to hang on for the remainder of the lap around the pool I was silently wishing I had worn underwear that day.

-We got done having sex (her on top). I stagger to the bathroom to clean up the condom and stuff and there is shit all over the place down there. I panic. Like totally freeze. Slowly I come around to a plan of action: 1) Confirm that the shit is not mine; 2) Clean up shit. I return to the bedroom and, because I don't know what else to do, I act like everything is fine. She is acting weird, asks "Is everything okay?" I just play it poker-face style. She goes to the bathroom, comes out, and nothing about it is ever spoken of again.

-When I was in college, I had a huge crush on this girl who was a major do-gooder. In one of our classes, she was trying to get people to sign up for a Habitat for Humanity trip where you helped build a house over a week. I have never done any kind of home improvement - I barely know what a wrench is! But I told her I would love to go and made up a story about having helped my dad with stuff around the house. Once we got there, most of the work was relatively simple, but at one point someone suggested I should be in charge of the staple gun. I had no idea what I was doing and wound up stapling my shorts to the wood. Of course, she was the one who had to come over and help me detach myself...

-I enjoy pulling long hairs out from my ass crack that may have fallen stray from my head. Feels good.

-After pretending to be completely disgusted by the thought of anal sex for about a year my ex did a 180 and decided he wanted to try it. Anyway one day we start making out and it leads to sex. But, something had not been agreeing with my stomach that day and I hadn't had a chance to 'prepare' either. I told him no, that it wasn't a good idea right now and that he would get a lot more than he bargained for. He kept insisting and I finally flat out told him that I'd had diarrhoea all day and still felt sick. Like the douche he was, he either didn't care, or didn't understand what would happen. Let's just say, he put it in, and as much as I tried to stop anything bad from happening, I couldn't help it and pooped all over him. I was so embarrassed that I was sobbing. He had the gall to get mad at me as though I'd done it on purpose.

-I was vacationing in Hawaii and decided to sign up for surf lessons after seeing how hot the instructor was. We started on the sand, but I told her how athletic I was - and said I'd be fine if we moved things along a little faster... which was a really bad idea. As soon as we got in the water, I was falling off the board non-stop and couldn't catch a wave if my life depended on it. Eventually, she got sick of watching me get battered by the waves and suggested we take the lesson back to land. As we were walking out of the ocean, I lifted the surf board over my head to try to look cool, but I ended up losing my balance, letting go of my board and practically knocking her out with it.

-I made my girlfriend, at that time, dinner and it eventually lead to the bedroom. I started to play with her at first and she seemed to enjoy it, but after a couple seconds her face turned from pleasure to discomfort and then near horror. I had been cutting habaneros for dinner and had forgotten to wash my hands afterward. Needless to say I did NOT have sex that night.

-Sometimes I think horrible thoughts, like my mother dying, to purposefully make myself sad. I do this to make myself cry a lot because it helps me sleep sometimes and it makes me feel really good when I wake up.

-The first time I attempted deep-throating, boyfriend wanted me to shove his cock down my throat right as he came. So like any good girlfriend I did just that when he gave the signal. I still have no fucking clue what happened, but it turns out semen really burns when it's gushing out your nose.

Want more? A whole bunch of these were posted in an update last year which you can read simply by clicking here...


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A man is in court. The Judges says "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer. How do you plead?" "Guilty" said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to quiet down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "... and that also on the 10th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer. How do you plead"? "Guilty" said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder "You dirty rotten stinking rat!!" At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbour". The Judge replied "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!!"


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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.


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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except... and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing". "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick'". "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet".

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door". The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy". He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping.

It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right... voodoo dick, my ass!"

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George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore.

George said to his bride-to-be "Let's go in. I have an idea". They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter. "Are you the owner?" asked George. The pharmacist answered "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"

George: "Do you sell heart medications?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do".

George: "How about support hose for circulation?" Pharmacist: "Definitely".

George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?" Pharmacist: "All kinds".

George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?" Pharmacist: "Yes sir".

George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?" Pharmacist: "Yes".

George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation-H and ExLax?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely".

George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes; but sir... why all these questions?"

George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry!"


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An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!" says the panther "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story: Don't mess with the OLD DOGS... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.


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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well Sister, this looks pretty grim". "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two". "I agree" says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Yes Father - anything". "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours". "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm".

The Nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be okay" the Priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life?" "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister". "Oh Father, that is wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"


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A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is "contagious". She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl" she says. Carl says "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious". "Very good" says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says "The atmosphere was contagious". The teacher says "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" Johnny says "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbour painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages'".


And now we come to the end. DUHHH...

-Check out the site archives. They are the internets great buried treasure.
-Next update will be next WEDNESDAY. Christmas update! Jingle Balls, Jingle Balls, Jingle Balls All The Way.
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray will abduct and molest the fuck out of Santa's butthole.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and mi scusi? Enjoy. Your Mum.

orsmupdate 2015.12.10-10.26am(+4)

Welcome to milk comes out of the tits, yoghurt comes out of the pussy.

Just when you thought everything would be black back to normal... it aint. Nope. Unfortunately there's another ridiculous chunk of quality entertainment ready to go. Sure, you'll feel like gently easing into this update because your buttholes are still tender after recieving such a thick, juicy one last week but let me assure you - that's not how it's going to go. Hair of the dog style. No softcocks. Check it...

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called FACT Hunt.
Last night as I was putting my hand down the pants of the girl I just pulled she said "Ooh I love a guy who gives me some foreplay". "Don't flatter yourself love" I replied "I'm just making sure you don't have a penis".
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face". James replied "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!" "Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't" he replied. "She loves it". The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon".
My son was sent home from school for swearing today. I said what did u say? He said the 'c' word. I said "It wasn't clever, was it?" He said "No, it was cunt".
There are three brothers, Tom, Dick and Harry. Tom calls Dick and says "Listen Dick, my wife has been in the hospital for two months and I need a woman! Why don't you send your wife over to spend a couple of nights with me and when my wife gets out of the hospital I'll let her spend a couple of nights with you, okay?" This really makes Dick angry! So angry that he calls Harry and tells him about it. Harry says "Man, you should have taken him up on that deal! His wife is much better in bed than your wife..."
I stepped out of the shower and my wife started laughing and said "Your dick looks like a Tic-Tac!" "Well if that's the case" I replied "How come your sisters got such bad breath?"
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea!" The widow replied "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was".

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence. Jane, you go first"... "Dough... D-O-U-G-H... Italians make pizza with dough". "Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary". "Dough, D-O-U-G-H... my brother makes things with play dough". "Yes, Johnny, do you have something to add?" "My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough and he's so bad in bed she uses a dill dough".
An elderly man walks into a confessional. Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times". Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish". Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!"

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Take Him Back!Redneck Video Date Disaster - She's WaistedModel Removes Six Of Her Ribs To Achieve Dream Of Having The World’s Smallest Waist - Off ChopsGuy Laughs At His Friend Who Is Completely Ruined On The Drugs - SFW or NSFW?50 Completely Innocent SFW Photos That Will Conclusively Prove You Have A Dirty Mind - Mad SkillzThat’s A Hell Of A Landing. Probably Could Have Gone Either Way Too! - Bye Dummy!SAA Tank Immediate Response On Tankbuster Wielding Terrorist - Weeeeee!!Turning Car Sends Biker Spinning Through The Air - AddictiveAdam's Had It With Being Caged Up With Eve For All Eternity. He Wants Freedom... He Wants To Find True Love... He Needs To Get The Frook Outttt!

Sushi CatapultThis Game Is As Stupid As It Is Addictive! Funny How That Works Isn't It?! - Bikini WinAnna Sophia Berglund In A Blue Bikini For 138 Water! - Flap SlipLuisa Zissman Slight Lip Slip In Her Yellow Bikini - Sweet BodThe Best Thing That Can Happen Today Is Cailin Russo Getting Her Tits Out... - Big TiddiesBigass Titties Lookin’ For A Meal Outside A Hooters - Full RetardIs This Bitch Cumming Or Having A Stroke? I Would've Dialled 911 After Seeing Some Of The Facial Expressions She Was Making. - Go DeepThere's No Way She Can Take It All! Vaginas Weren't Designed For Anything (Or Anyone!) To Go That Deep! - Model PrepMiss BumBum Girls Show How They Get Ready For The Contest - Slut FailShe Gets A Request To Deepthroat A Dildo. Because She Says She Can Do This You Don't Expect That She Pukes All Over The Place. Look At Her Reaction... She Must Have An Iq That's Lower Then An Average Pig. - I QUITShe doesn't really look like a midget, but I assure you she is indeed a wee one - her height is a mere 4 foot 8. You know what that means? Facial Abuse is eligble for the highly coveted equal-opportunity employer of the year award! Vote accordingly.

The DeluxeStop These Fiends From Stealing All Of Luke's Money! - Truck You!Truck Drives Straight Through A Crowd Of People - Fuck AssBargain Bob's One Minute In Heaven - KTFOFurious Father Catches A Predator Trying To Have Sex With His 12 Year Old Daughter, Knocks Him Out - SmashedMan Stabbed And Beaten At A Rap Concert - Double ANerd Chick Takes The Double Anal Challenge! - All ClassEver Feel So Hungry That You Were Forced To Immediately Sucj A Guys Dick In The Middle Of The Street? Neither Have I... But This Girl Clearly Was - Killer BodYou May Not Know Who Sam Faiers Is But Braless In See-Thru Black Dress Is About To Change All That - Nude BrideIt’s Wedding Season And Hayley Marie Coppin Is Getting Married!!! She’s Not Having Quite The Traditional Wedding... Even Though I Think We SHOULD Make It A Tradition That The Bride Has To Strip Down At The Altar So We Can Inspect Her Bits Before Approving The Union. - Sarah TitsThe Oldest Daughter On Modern Family Has Some Excellent Little Titties - WTAF?What is this nasty bitch doing? She's not shopping at the Japanese market, so nobody wants to buy a Loaf Of Her Shit. You Know She's Not Even Going To Wipe Either. She'll Just Be Walking Around With Shit Ass All Day.

The wife came out of the bathroom naked after her shower and said "Close the curtains honey, I don't want the neighbours to see me naked!" "Don't worry" I said "If the neighbours see you naked they'll close their own fucking curtains..."
Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away. One cannibal says "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle". So the two cannibals start eating. After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up and says "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?" The other cannibal answers "This is great! I'm having a ball!" The other cannibal says "Hey, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The dad asked him "before or after sex?" "Ummmm, before sex" the kid replied. The dad said "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?" "Yeah" said the son. "Well, what about after sex?" said the son. His dad replied "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise...?"


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Ever wonder if you're one of those customers that basically force wasitstaff to spit in your food? I'm always anything but simply because it takes more effort to be an asshole than it does to politely ask for the problem to be resolves... that and I have no desire to taste someone else's dirty loogie. More reasons waitstaff spit in your food can be found clicking here and here.

-I work for a Red Lobster and a woman wanted to 'create' her own meal at her own price. We have a meal for $13.99, a special price during "lobsterfest" that comes with two 3oz Maine lobster tails and seafood pasta. She wanted the 8oz rock tail instead. I explained to her that Rock lobster is $2 an oz and that the only way I could give her that was to ring up the pasta and add the tail to her meal. She told me "I don't think so" and that she would pay $16.99 for the meal she wanted. This is not let's make a deal here. She told me I had better check with my manager 'cause the customer is always right. What would I know though right? Have only worked there for a year! I went to my manager and she told me to ring it up as I had already explained to the woman. I went back to the woman and she decided to just get the Rock Lobster dinner. She got a potato with everything on it. It costs 49 cents extra. When I gave her the bill she asks "Why do I have to pay extra for everything on the potato, I got the lobster?" Just because you get lobster doesn't mean you are entitled to everything else free! The bill came to $22.63. She gave me $24 and told me to keep the change. I told her Oh gee, thanks. Then she kept putting her hand up for more things. Suddenly she became invisible!!

-This woman and her two kids come into the pizza place I work at. She said in a bitchy way "Look you, I want HOT pizza, HOT pizza, if the pizza is not HOT pizza, I will throw it in your face!" I went back to the kitchen and prepared her HOT pizza myself. I loaded it with jalapeno juice, red pepper, Tobasco and black pepper. The split second it came out of the oven, I rushed it to her table and served it. She ate for about 5 minutes before rushing to the restroom. She paid her bill and fled. I can only assume that her HOT pizza was HOT enough for her.

-While working the morning shift at a diner in NY a regular customer ordered a 1/2 grapefruit, I was a bit busy but took the time to section it for him. Everything was going fine until it squirted him in the eye! He was ropable, yelling at me across the room "DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO SERVE A GRAPEFRUIT" all the while waving one hand at me while his other hand held his napkin on his '"squirted eye".

-One night I had a group of four come in. I could tell that they were going to be trouble. The guy orders one strawberry colada, and two strawberry daiquiris with whipped cream blended in... I watched the bartender make these drinks, it wasn't very hard. Of course they were somehow wrong, so he went up himself and watched the bartender make the drinks over (the same way). Over the course of their meal I checked back with them many times to see if everything else was okay. They smiled and said "Fine". Then they stiffed me and left me a note that read [this is their spelling too]: "No tip for you. You loosy waitress. Next time work of service".

-One story that sticks out most in my mind is one day I was waiting on an old man and his wife. I was really busy, so he asked the server in the next section over for some butter. She went back to the kitchen and retrieved his butter for him and delivered it to him. A minute later he started throwing his silverware all over his table and slamming things around while yelling that damn dumb waitress! He very loudly called me over and asked if it was margarine or butter. I replied to him it was margarine. At that moment I knew it was all over... he slammed his fist onto the table, threw his silverware at me and told me that he was allergic to margarine and that his throat was going to swell shut and he would start breaking out all over the place. He then grabbed me and told me that I better run for the hills! I started to cry. He said he wanted to see my manager, I went back to get him and he was too afraid to come out. Luckily the owner was there at the time and saw me crying. He went up to the gentlemen, but the old guy didn't even give him a chance. He told my boss that I was the worst waitress ever, I was stupid, and I was getting sued. My boss told him that I was an awesome waitress, I've been working for him for 6 years and he could leave!

-It was the busiest day of the week and two of my co-workers had called in sick which left us very understaffed. I was running ninety or nothing, trying my best to stay caught up. I didn't have a single empty table in my section. There was a line of people waiting to be seated. As I'm standing at a table, taking an order, I look up and see a man standing in the middle of the dining room, tea glass in hand, arm stretched to the sky, looking straight at me and yelling across the room "CAN I GET SOME MORE TEA OVER HERE!?!" His tea glass was still half full! He was in absolutely no danger of dehydrating, yet there he stood, arm out-stretched, looking like the Statue of Liberty. What a douche!

-I walked up to the table and said my usual "Hi, how are you guys doing tonight?" Apparently there was a rather, uh, not-too-feminine-looking "person" who jumped up and said "I AM NOT A GUY! Do I look like a GUY?!" I guess this upset her as stormed out of the establishment.

-We were having a very busy day when the waitress I was working with turned in an order from people who obviously didn't eat out much. She continue with her job of taking orders from other tables, when her customers stopped me on my way past and asked where their food was being fixed. Very puzzled I replied "In the kitchen..." then they asked where it was, I nodded my head in the general direction, and they said rather angrily "We were just wondering because, she just keeps going to other tables and we haven't gotten OUR food yet!"

-Another guy I had once specifically ordered liver and ONIONS. When I bring it out to him, he claims not to like onions and demands I bring him a new plate without onions. It was really busy at the time and when I told him the best I could do is to pick off the onions - he threatened to just throw them on the floor!

-The customer who chose for her three side dishes three orders of rice pilaf. Big deal, so I make up the dish. Later the waitress comes back with it, apparently the customer is upset that there is just one huge pile of rice instead of three individual little mounds...

-In a Harvard Square restaurant on the night of Harvard's graduation, the kitchen was completely overwhelmed. One irate customer exclaimed loudly "Who here thinks the service sucks?" The entire room broke into applause. Even though the kitchen's meltdown was not the fault of the waiters, I and my waiter peers had to continue to work that room in that unruly, mob-like atmosphere.

-Guests who talk on their cell phone while interacting with you, as if you aren't important enough for them to get off the phone. So, they continue to stay on the phone, but use hand gestures to communicate with you.

-Please be sure to loosen the salt and pepper tops so when I try to move them they spill all over the table, or better, so they spill all over the next persons food and I have to replace their order, I love extra work! And don't forget to leave a full glass of water upside down so when I am hurriedly cleaning the table for the next customers the water goes all over everything.

-All you guys who leave your waitresses napkins with phone numbers: HELLO... like I'm so sure I'm going to call a number on a napkin that says "We was checking you out and you was looking pretty good"... and if you ARE going to do that then LEAVE A TIP!

-When the hostess tells you the only available table is in the smoking section, take it anyway. Then complain loudly about the smoke and stiff your waitress.

-Try to pass a five year old kid off for being 3 so he or she gets free buffet. Come on, the kid is holding up five fingers saying "No mummy I'm this many!"

-Come into a busy diner alone, with the Sunday papers. Ignore the 'please wait to be seated' sign and sit down at the only table in the place that can accommodate more than 5 people, so you can spread out your paper.

-If you can't afford a tip, here's one for you: eat at home!

-Don't whisper your order under your breath and then look at me disgustedly when I say "Excuse me?"

-When you come into a sit-down type restaurant, don't expect to have your meal for at least 10 minutes, so don't whine when you don't get your meal after 5 minutes. If you want speed go to the fast food joint down the road.

More below.


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A man goes into a psychiatric hospital to visit one of his buddies. As he is walking out he notices a guy pretending to be swinging a hockey stick. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Wayne Gretzky, and I'm practicing my shot".

Satisfied with the answer the visitor moves on down the hall. He notices another guy pretending to be playing golf. Curious, he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'm Tiger woods and I'm practicing my golf".

Satisfied with this response the visitor again moves on down the hall. He then sees another guy sitting in a chair in the nude with a jar of peanuts beside him. This guy takes a peanut, places it on his dick, waits a minute, then flicks into his mouth. Again, curious he asks: "What are you doing?" The guy replies: "I'M FUCKING NUTS!"


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This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.

The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard".


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Why is MyFreeCams.com one of the most awesome websites in the history of forever? Firstly, there are hundreds of hot models online at any given time AND you can watch their live webcam feed in HQ with sound AND chat. Secondly, you don't need a credit card or have to install any dodgy software - it's all absolutely free! And finally, why do I sound so fucking excited? Because MyFreeCams really is that brilliant. Click here to check it out now!

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-Leave your ill-behaved children at home to throw your salt shakers around the room.

-The most bizarre thing anyone has ever said to me is "We'd like a round pizza, cut into portions so we can share it".

-Don't ask for separate bills and then order 5 identical meals, if you can't divide, go back to school!

-The amount of times that for instance a table of 2 order a large pizza and then say "We're sharing it so can we have two plates". Just so you know - I've worked here long enough to work out that people share pizzas and everyone at the table will require a plate.

-Customers who assume that you are racist because something went wrong...

-Don't complain about someone else getting their food first if you ordered an item that would take longer to prepare, unless of course you don't care if it's undercooked.

-PLEASE stop saying "A million dollars" or "A winning lottery ticket" if I ask you if there is anything else I can get for you. It was only mildly amusing the first 50 thousand times I heard it.

-When you order coffee, make believe you don't know how you like it and wait until I bring it to ask for regular milk and when I return with that ask for sweet and low. It's my goal to see how many trips I can make to the kitchen for one item.

-Don't sit at a dirty table! This is a big complaint, if there is one dirty table, that's the table people go for, if it's busy and there's no clean ones, wait, you won't get noticed at a dirty table! If that doesn't scare ya then try this one! There was a couple that sat at the ONLY dirty table in our diner, they sat there while I was chasing down the vagabond who skipped on his bill and urinated in the seat, needless to say the lady asked the other server for a towel cause she thought it was butter!

-Please don't assume that if you tell me that I did a great job that it means you can leave a 10% tip, and we will be grateful! Also, don't think that leaving religious pamphlets are a substitute for a tip either!

-People who insist on having their kids order, when everything the kid orders the parents don't want them to have. This sometimes turns into a never-ending debate. "Johnny, tell the man what you want to drink". "Coke". "No, you can have milk".

-My biggest gripe is when they put a finger up in the air to get your attention. Many times I want to put a finger up too. Just not the same one as they did.

-I like the people that come in on their lunch hour and ask me to rush their food because they have to go back to work. They act like they're the only people at lunch and nobody else has to go back to work.

-If you don't believe in tipping don't go to a full service diner, if you don't have the money go someplace else. Always read the prices before ordering if you're budget conscious, don't wait until the bill comes and then complain.

-A guest wants more coffee and I ask "Decaf, right?" They agree but when I bring the orange pot of decaf to them and begin to refill their cup they shout "Is that decaf!?"

-Old people who have 50 billion things that they can't eat. So of course you have to find out if every little thing is made up of anything on the list.

-After you've read the menu please ask if the soups listed are the ones we have.

-Customers don't realise that we don't have people in the back of our restaurant all day every day making between 50 and 100 pies. They get pissed when we run out of the most popular pie and ask if we can run back and make one for them. What, like I have nothing better to do but whip up a fucking pie?

More reasons waitstaff spit in your food can be found by clicking here and here.

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Adam and Eve said "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us".

And God said "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves".

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal". And God said "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG".

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well".

And God said "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration".

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat... didn't give a shit one way or the other.


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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

-Knowing when to come in out of the rain
-Why the early bird gets the worm
-Life isn't always fair
-and maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
-I Know My Rights
-I Want It Now
-Someone Else Is To Blame
-I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. Sadly, even fewer realised he existed in the first place.


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Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye. After a while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.

Johnny's answer was "Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my father asks "Johnny are you sleeping?" Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye".

So the teacher says to him "Tonight when your father asks again, keep dead quiet and don't answer".

The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and his eye is fine and the teacher breathes a sigh of relief, but the day after that Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.

"My goodness Johnny, why the black eye again?" He tells her "Miss, dad asked me again 'Johnny are you sleeping?' and I shut up and kept dead still. Then my father and my mother started moving, you know at the same time, mum was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a demented hyena on the bed. Then my father asks my mother 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'".

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me!"



A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say or do.

The Priest told him to come over and he'd stay with him for a little bit to show him what to do.

The Rabbi dutifully came over.

The Rabbi and the Priest were in the confessional working out the details.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned". The priest asked "What did you do?" The woman said "I committed adultery". Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times". Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the donation box and go and sin no more".

A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said "Father, forgive me for I have sinned". Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery". Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times". Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box and go and sin no more".

The Rabbi told the Priest that he thought he understood the procedure, so the Priest left.

A few minutes later another woman entered and said "Father forgive me for I have sinned". Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery". Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once". Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars!"


That was a good update. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm also not ashamed to admit that reading on will solve up to 100% of your problems...

-Check out the site archives. If you thought this update was awesome then imagine a few hundred more even better ones.
-Next update will be next Thursday. Back on home soil. :-(
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray put spiders in your shoes.
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and... WHAT DID YOU SAY, CUNT? Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2015.12.03-07.15(pst)

Welcome to negative encouragement.

But enough about me. Check it...

If men always fall asleep directly after sex then why is it so hard to catch a rapist?
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said. I said "No" - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mum, you still awake?"
A little child in church for the first time watched the ushers passing the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear "Don't pay for me, daddy, I'm under five"
The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.
My wife rang me and screamed down the phone "Where in hell are you?" I said "You remember that jewellery shop with those expensive diamond earrings you liked?" "Ooooh yes" she replied in a much softer voice "Well" I said "I'm in the pub across the road".
After the boy's birthday, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her teenage son of their thank you note duties. As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous cheque she had given. The next year things were different however. "My grandson came over in person to thank me" the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused his change in behaviour?" "Oh, that's easy" the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the cheque".

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world. When the priest comes in, the Irishman excitedly begins... "Father forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side".
Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some really passionate embracing he said "Tell me, do you object to making love?" "That is something I have never done before" Jill replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily. "What's up Dave?" asked the bartender... it's not like you to be so down in the mouth". "It's my eight year old son" the man replied. "Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My lad's just the same - forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the bartender, sympathetically. "I only wish it was that" continued the customer "but it's far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant". "Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender! "It's not" said the man. "The little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms".

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Ask A PornstarPornstars Tell You What Weird Stuff They Pleasure Themselves To - Harsh As FuckOUCH! Guy Dumps His Cheating Girlfriend With The Most Epic Fake Proposal Stunt - Sorcery!!Where Do These Wine Bottles Keep Coming From? - Space MouseHIDE THE CHEESE! Giant Space ‘Mouse’ Spotted On Mars By NASA’s Curiosity Rover - Angry AssholeWatch This D-Bag Try To Become The Victim On Camera - FoolishIdiot Breaks His Neck Trying To Impress His Friends - Be CleanWhile The World Protests Against Climate Change, Video Shows That Clean Energy Is 100% Possible/span> - Kill ShotSoldier Takes A Head Shot From A Sniper When He Sticks His Head Around The Corner - Word PlayYour Objective Is To Find The 5 Differences Between The Two Awesome Word Play Images. There Are Over 15 Levels For You To Test Your Eyesight On.

StickbangThe Stick Giants Have Long Hated Their Kin. They Are Altogether An Unpleasant Lot Who Constantly War On One Another. This Game Is Awesome - SideboobHere Are Some Pics Of The Amazing Tessa Fowler Looking A Lil’ Sleepy While Putting On Makeup In The Morning. Oh, And She’s Topless. I Want To Get Beat Up By Those Titties! - Poking OutRose McGowan Pokies In The Parking Lot - CurvesCan't Seem To Take My Eyes Of Charlotte McKinney Incredible Curve - The FeelsThere Are Few Things That Can Make The Internet Emotional Like A Dog Sick With Terminal Bone Cancer. This Is Truly Wonderful. - StarslutsThis Internet Cafe Is Serving Up Tits And Ass. - Jap CutieJapanese Cutie Sucks And Fucks Three Guys In This Uncensored Awesomenes - Future Now - Tight BoxIn Fairness, The Guy Is Hung Like Something Which Is Really, Really Big. Can't Blame Her For Not Being Able To Fit Him In! - Butt RektShe's got the body type of a holocaust victim and she came to the glamorous dog fart productions to Film Her First Interracial Anal Scene. What Happens Next She Did Not Expect...

Puzzle TowerThis Is Quite A Tricky Game, As You Will Have To Coordinate Your Efforts With The Other Lost Soul In The Dungeon.. - Bad PeopleGirl Gets Bottle Smashed In Her Face After Stabbing A Guy - Public ShagShe Wanted It To Memorable. So He Raw Dogged Her On Top A Building. - Asian WhoreShe Needed To Shut The Fuck Up But She Wouldn't So This Had To Happen... - Lid FlippedObese Belgian Bitch Bullies Her Elderly Mother In Law For Talking About Her Kids - Dat Ass!!Yes... I Love The Misguided Bible Thumping Weirdos, Who Think Their Whoring Is A Work Of God, And That Fate Will Come Her Way... Especially When They Are Coupled With Ass Pictures... - Rock BottomCrackhead Shits Herself During A Street Fight - Oil All OverViola Bailey Is Getting Oil All Over And Its Pure Awesomeness. Actual. Pure. Awesomeness. - Lookin' FineRihanna Braless In See Through Wife Beate

I dropped a bag of Maltesers in a weightwatchers meeting yesterday. Best game of Hungry Hippos I've seen in a while.
I said to my 7-yr-old son "Now, what noise does a cat make?" "Meow!" he said. "Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?" "Woof woof!" he said. "That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?" "BRIAN, if you even think about going out to that fucking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!" "That's my boy!" I said.
I am not saying let's go kill all the stupid people... I'm just saying lets remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Went to see the consultant yesterday about my sex change op. Nice bloke. He was honest with me... he said "Look, in your case, it's going to be quite easy to shrink your brain, but what will really hurt is widening your mouth".


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Nurses are one of the professions I admire most. Every experience I've ever had with them has left me with huge respect for the shit they endure on a daily basis. Not at all unlike any of these guys...

-The woman in labour had the worst case of pinworms I've ever seen. Her entire house was infected. While she was pushing and everything was bulging, she had the most horrible bowel movement with a billion pinworms in it! Still makes my skin crawl to this day and it's been years since that happened.

-I was helping out in the ER on a busy Saturday night about 20 years ago when a guy was brought in from a local disco. Seems he had danced around so much that he passed out. He was wearing those skin tight PVC pants and the 'bulge' was huge. The pants were so tight that they had to be cut off him. (He was still unconscious at this point.) After cutting the pants off, we discovered what the huge bulge really was... he had taped an Italian sausage to his thigh! When he woke up and discovered where he was, well, needless to say his face was very red!! He didn't even ask for his sausage back!

-I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.  I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began "Cover your right eye with your hand". He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left".  Again, a flawless read. "Now both" I requested. There was silence He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.  I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.

-An "Ask a Nurse" line at a small-town hospital received a call from a very upset woman who couldn't stop crying. After several minutes of the call nurse trying to calm her, it was discovered that the woman thought she had been exposed to anthrax upon opening a letter. She had opened an email.

-A couple who didn't speak English came into our delivery room ready to deliver. The man kept trying to get out of the delivery room, but the nurses kept insisting he had to stay for moral support. When the baby emerged, a nurse turned the reluctant man's head so his eyes were on the delivery. The next day, the nurse found out he wasn't the woman's husband. He was her brother.

-One evening while administering medication to an elderly lady the following exchange took place:

-A delivery room nurse reports that a woman in labour started to get annoyed when her husband, who was supposed to be capturing the birth on film, got woozy and sat down. The mum couldn't coax him out of his daze, so she grabbed the camera and started snapping away herself... while pushing the baby out!

-When I was a student a nursing colleague of mine was asked by a patient if his testes had gone black. Silently she pulled the screens around the bed, asked him to drop his pyjama bottoms and had a look.  "No... everything's fine" she reassured him "What made you think something was wrong?" "I didn't think anything was wrong" he replied "I only asked if my test results had come back".

-An ER nurse reported that four drunken men had been severely burned after trying to cook a cow, at 4.30am, in a homemade 55-gallon drum pressure cooker that had inline propane power. Predictably the cooker exploded, sending cow everywhere. Bystanders, trying to ease the victims' burns, proceeded to smear raw eggs all over them. Two of the men were flown to a nearby trauma centre, and the other two were sent to the ER for emergency omelette removal and dressings.

-One nurse recalled treating a very obese woman who had come in suffering from shortness of breath. The nurse discovered a half-eaten hot dog under a fold of her skin. "Oh, that's where that was" the woman said.

-I was interviewing an elderly man who was being admitted to my unit. I finally got to the cardiovascular conditions and asked him if he had angina. He replied "Why no! I'm a male!"

-A woman phoned in to a local hospital to ask about getting a body scan. She mentioned she had seen such a scan on TV, and on this program a person sat in a chair in front of a scanner, which went up and down, showing all of their insides as it went. As far as she was concerned, if she had seen it on TV, it must be real. On further questioning it turned out the TV program had been Star Trek. The nurses could not convince the woman that it was make believe, and in the end they gave her the number of a cardio-thoracic hospital and advised her to speak with them.

-One morning, the ER received a call from a cheerful lady. When asked what the problem was, she answered that she'd like the number to the local radio station. Upon being told she had called the hospital emergency room, she replied "I know that, I need it right away!"

-A cardiologist at our hospital died in a house fire with his wife and 2 children. Meanwhile there's a 7 year-old kid seeing the hospitals paediatrician. The paediatrician was at a loss what to do with the kid. He was brought in by his mum because the kid insisted he talked to his father a lot. His father had died a couple years ago. The paed found nothing wrong with the kid. A couple of days ago the kid insisted on seeing the doctor again, wouldn't say why, but was persistent. He just kept bugging his mum to take him until she did. Upon entering, the kid just stops in the lobby by a photo of the dead cardiologist. The kid tugs at his mum "That's the guy who talked to me a couple of days ago, he told me to tell [the paediatric doctor] not to cry anymore, he said they're all okay and happy". So the mum takes the kid to his doctor who is just shocked and overwhelmed. The doctor was close friends with the cardiologist and had been distraught since the fire. Freakishly, the cardiologist never even met the kid. I do believe that science can explain most things but if there was an "I see dead people kid" in real life, I'd bet that's the kid.

-Once, when I was very young, my mum was working the night shift at the hospital, taking care of an elderly man who was on his deathbed. His family was there, and my mum was talking to his wife. She was very grateful for my mom's help, and asked if my mum had any children. She told the lady about me. The lady then said that her husband would watch over me. Kinda creeped her out a bit but she went with it and thanked her. The man died sometime very early in the morning. When my mum came home and got me ready for school, apparently I told her about a strange dream I had. There was a tall bald man in a grey suit who visited me in the dream. My mum's patient was a tall bald man!

-During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of the medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch". The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... the man had over fifty patches on his body!

-Part of the hospital has been rebuilt and faces on to our unit. A nurse doing something near the window looks across and sees two people moving about in one of the clinic rooms (it's after hours and clinic is shut). She called a colleague over who also saw these two people. They call security who go over and check out the room; nobody there. A while later the nurses again see these two people moving around so again they call security. This time the security guys split up. One stands with the nurses while the other went over to the clinic to check again. The scary part of this is that the security guys were talking on the radio. The one in the clinic states that the room is empty, but the other security guard standing in our unit with the two nurses could actually see these two people, standing right beside the security guard while he was talking...

-I was working Christmas Eve a couple of years ago (my hospital used to be the state sanatorium) and caring for an elderly woman. Between hourly neuro checks the TV monitor to her room began to get really crazy, white stripes marching sideways, diagonal, and the screen began to jump up and down. I could still see her from the nurse's station, so I didn't get too concerned. At her next hourly neuro check, she woke and said "Oh, I was just sure that my husband had been in here holding me and talking to me. He died 4 years ago and that is the first time that I have experienced anything like that". The interference with the monitor stopped after that. I still feel bad for ruining her time with him.

-I was looking after a paediatric patient who was diagnosed with a brain tumour. One night, he was especially restless and irritable and could not be consoled. I was worried that his intracranial pressure was rising, and had the resident at the bedside with me for pretty much the entire shift. The charge nurse relieved me for my break and told me to go lay down for a short nap (it was okay for night nurses to nap in this facility). As I gathered some blankets and stretched out on the cot, I heard a voice say "Why aren't you watching him?" I jumped off the cot and ran into the patient's room just in time to see his HR drop into the 40s. The nurse relieving me had stepped out of the room to answer a call bell. Needless to say, I refused to leave his side after that.

-My sister witnessed this when she was a med student at a level one trauma facility. A guy comes in from a motorcycle vs truck accident. She said he was a "Waffle House hash brown"... sliced, diced and chunked. The guy is able to talk at the beginning, drunk, cussing the nurses and docs trying to help him, not a nice guy. The end up intubating the guy to preserve the airway and the guy's going downhill fast. He codes, but they manage to bring him back. Suddenly, the guy comes completely to, rips out his tube, grabs my sister's hand and lets out this breathy little scream "Don't let me die, I'm going to hell. Please don't let me die!" This freaks out everyone, including my sister. The guy says he "woke up in hell" on fire and keeps begging someone to check his feet for burns... nobody could believe he pulled out his tube and was talking. Despite everything they did, the guy still died. My sister said they were all freaked out about it for weeks...

-I know this story from a nurse colleague. Her brother-in-law had had a long course of treatment for melanoma. He was in the hospital, still getting intraperitoneal chemo etc but remained very ill. One day, he told the family "Susie and Grandpa came to see me last night". These were two family members who were dead. Of course, everyone thought that couldn't be true. The patient told the nurses and family that they had told him it was not his time that day, but that they would come back for him tomorrow. Sure enough, he died the next day.

-I work in a long term care unit at a retirement residence. It's very common for strange things to happen when a residents dies. Usually, their call bell will go off all night and others will go off when a patient doesn't even call for us. The residents get restless and so does the unit mascot, a cat. The residents start talking to people who aren't there and the TV's will go on and off. Even the front door bell will start to ring. We go and check it out but no one is there. When I started there almost two years ago, I was a bit freaked out. Now it's so common that I half expect it. There isn't much I can do about it except to say goodbye to the soul who passed on.

-I was working in an acute rehab unit with spinal injury patients. Most patients were on a 'bowel program' which involved giving a constipation suppository. My patient wanted his while sitting up on the shower chair. So, here I am, crawling on the floor to get the best view. Didn't work so well so I thought I'll just feel my way. It's a guy, should be easy right? Wrong. I begin trying to insert the suppository, thinking I'm putting it where it needs to go, wrong again. He says "Honey, I hate to tell you, but that isn't it". Suffice it to say I lost the supp, it melted all over the place.

Nurses got a run last year. If you missed them they can be found by clicking here...

36 GIRLS best described as moving violations

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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man" the biker says "I didn't think you'd cry! I can't stand to see a man crying".

"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me".

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"


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A Kentucky farmer of advanced years took a lovely young bride. At first the marriage was very passionate and the couple made love frequently but one day the wife suddenly became disinterested in sex. The old farmer shrugged it off as moodiness but after a few weeks of nearly no sex, he began to worry.

After another few months had passed, the farmer started suspecting foul play and that maybe his wife was fooling around. So one day he left the tractor running out in the field and crept back to the house where he caught his wife and her young lover in the act.

While his wife and the young guy were scrambling for their clothes, the farmer fetched his shotgun and burst into the room. The understandably hysterical young man pleaded for his life. The farmer lowered the barrel and pointed toward the barn. The farmer led the man at gunpoint out to the barn where he proceeded to secure the man's "unit" in a bench vice. The farmer then welded the vice screw so it could not be loosened. The farmer pulled out a gleaming sharp bowie knife.

The man was screaming now and begging the farmer not to cut of his manhood. The farmer just smiled and handed the man the knife while he said "Oh, I'm not gonna cut it off... I'm gonna set the barn on fire..."


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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, mummy" she yelled "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10! See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good" said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde" her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, mummy" she yelled "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good" said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, mummy" she yelled "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's. "Very good" said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" "No, it's because you're 25".

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-Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

-At the cocktail party, one woman said to another "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes I am, I married the wrong man".

-Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

-A little boy asked his father "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" and the father replied "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it".

-Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

-Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in most countries, son".

-Then there was a man who said "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late".

-A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

-When a newly married man looks happy we know why. When a TO-BE married man looks happy we ALL know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - We wonder WHY.

-Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

-After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband "You know, I was a fool when I married you". and the husband replied "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it".

-It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

-A man inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".

-When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

-A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

-A woman was telling her friend "It is I who made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him" asked the friend. Woman replied "A multi-millionaire".


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-Turn off your home office equipment when not in use. A computer that runs 24 hours a day, for instance, uses - more power than an energy-efficient refrigerator.
-If your computer must be left on, turn off the monitor; this device alone uses more than half the system's energy.
-Setting computers, monitors, and copiers to use sleep-mode when not in use helps cut energy costs by approximately 40%.
-Battery chargers, such as those for laptops, cell phones and digital cameras, draw power whenever they are plugged in and are very inefficient. Pull the plug and save.
-Screen savers save computer screens, not energy. Start-ups and shutdowns do not use any extra energy, nor are they hard on your computer components. In fact, shutting computers down when you are finished using them actually reduces system wear - and saves energy.
-One of the best energy-saving devices is the light switch. Turn off lights when not required.
-Dirty tube lights and bulbs less light and can absorb 50 percent of the light; dust your tube lights and lamps regularly.
-Fluorescent tube lights and CFLs convert electricity to visible light up to 5 times more efficiently than ordinary bulbs and thus save about 70% of electricity for the same lighting levels.
-Ninety percent of the energy consumed by an ordinary bulb (incandescent lamp) is given off as heat rather than visible light.
-A 15-watt compact fluorescent bulb produces the same amount of light as a 60-watt incandescent bulb.
-By reducing the temperature setting of water heater from 60 degrees to 50 degrees C, one could save over 18 percent of the energy used at the higher setting.
-To help reduce heat loss, always insulate hot water pipes, especially where they run through unheated areas. Never insulate plastic pipes.
-Use an electric kettle to heat water. It's more energy efficient than using an electric cook top element.
-Iron your clothes and linen all in one go. Do not keep a hot iron which is switched in an upright position for long period since more heat will be lost.
-Avoid storing hot / warm food in the refrigerator.
-Use of white or light colours for interior walls, ceilings, curtains, drapes and furniture reflects more light within the building and therefore further reduces the cost of lighting.
-Do not set the temperature regulator of the refrigerator at high if the quantity of the food within is small. Also, stack food items inside to allow air circulation.
-By locating doors and windows to admit more sunlight through them you can avoid using electricity for lighting your home or office during the day.
-Orientation of the house and surrounding landscape has a large effect on energy consumption. Planting trees on the south and west will reflect natural light through the windows resulting in less use of heating appliances like room heaters etc. in winters and would provide ample light.
-Auto defrost refrigerators consume more electricity. Larger the refrigerator, higher will be the usage of electricity.


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Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman have an interview at a brewery for a job as a bar manager.

The Englishman has his interview first, and for the last question the brewery owner asks "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?" The Englishman responds "I'd have a pub next to Buckingham Palace, withal those tourists you'd rake the money in!"

The Scotsman comes in after the Englishman and he is also asked the same questions. After thinking what his answer would be for the last question he responds "I'd have my pub built into Ibrox, can you imagine how much all those football fans drink?"

Lastly, the Irishman has his interview, the interview goes really well, and the brewery owner is very impressed by this man's knowledge of Guinness and the like. Finally the Brewery owner asks the question "If you could put your pub anywhere in the world, where it be?" The Irishman answers immediately "I'd put mine in Ethiopia!" The owner asks in amazement "Why would you put your pub in Ethiopia?" The Irishman responds "Well have you seen the beer belly's on those guys!?"


MADDIE gallery #1 MADDIE gallery #2 MADDIE gallery #3 MADDIE gallery #4

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey, she said "you received a very strange post card today". "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later" he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.


I feel a bit like we've discussed this once or twice... so... this is where the update ends. For today at least. There is more however. There always is...

-Check out the site archives. If you don't like them then you are a bad person.
-Next update will be next Thursday... as long as we haven't crashed... and as long as I don't get my hand chopped off in the Middle East for trying to access a pornographic website...
-Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise my friend Ray go in your mum's butt. Dry. All you'll hear is her whimpering and your wonderful, caring mum screaming "II HURTS! IT HURTS! WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD??"
-Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!

Until next time be good, stay off the chems and no cakewalking allowed. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

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