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April 2002...
orsmupdate 2002.04.21-15.49

Well it's been over a week now and I am outta home and into the new place. So far so good too. Cool house. It's not an old piece of shit and it's bloody comfortable too. Although we're not living in the city, we aren't too far away and it's a whole different ball game here. Much more traffic, more shops and more shit to do. Only takes me 5 minutes from door step to class room too.

We were pretty much all moved in by the weekend and the plan was to spend the rest of my spare time during the week updating the site but it didn't really go to plan. My machine fully fucked itself for no apparent reason and would freeze up and crash a few minutes after boot up. Finally managed to get all the Windows updates and virus scanner updates and still no joy. Ended up flashing the BIOS and hallelujah... all fixed and back to normal.

Besides all that, there hasn't been a hell of a lot going on. Oh yeah, some loser threatened to sue me over a pic in the Priceless section again. Seems to be common practice lately. How come when you are a small and insignificant web site that no one bothers to read, people don't care, but as soon as you get a couple of thousand hits a day every man and his dog has something to say or object to? You can read the email transcript here.

Okay so maybe last week I was mildly excited about the new Aussie Big Brother but I just can't seem to get into it as easily as I did last year. With the barrage of advertising on every possibly medium giving away details of what's going on, there's barely any need to watch it.

I was a bit shocked at housemate Mirabai though. I mean, if you know you are going into the Big Brother house, and you know that you will have half the population of Australia scrutinising your every move, wouldn't you take some sort of action to minimise that? First impressions of this chick were good. Attractive, good bod, intelllingent... and then off come the panties. What we were to see next is probably best described as the biggest god damn forrest this side of the Amazon.

This is a subject I could dwell on for hours but I think it's best said with the Mirabai Priceless pic.

Queen Mum's Rememberance Book - The Latest Childrens Book

As promised, I've added a new Comics Gallery again this week. You can find it here. Don't forget to check out the all new Orsm.net Forums. They are slowly starting to get busier so have a surf and check them out for yourself!

click here for more


SAN FRANCISCO - We spoke to Jay Fullmer, 38, who became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony yesterday.

"It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and shit and he said, like, great weather, or something like that." Said Fullmer: "And I thought - wait a minute, it's like, no way is it great weather."

Fullmer soon realised that the other man's 'mistake' was deliberate. "This guy was pretty cool about it," Fullmer said.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, planned to use irony himself in future. "I'm like saying it all the time." he said. "Weekend last I was like grilling steaks and I like burned them to shit and I said 'great weather'."

I bought myself a Palm the other day but after seeing these new toys I think I made the wrong choice...

Latest Toy - Latest Toy - Latest Toy - Latest Toy - Latest Toy

Latest Toy - Latest Toy - Latest Toy - Latest Toy

Tom and Alicia are staying in a hotel and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, Tom (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy doops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nighty-nighty yet."

Alicia takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Tom jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, "Oh my precious little honey bunny, is your noseywosey all righty?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, Alicia goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Tom looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."


John Doe wrote:
Subject: here are the pics....

I want to get back a cheating bitch, hope you post all of em...:) Her name is Lexi from canada. I'll be looking forward to the results....keep up the good work, your site kics azz.

Lexi - Lexi - Lexi - Lexi - Lexi - Lexi - Lexi - Lexi

Linkage goes out to these fine sites...

Stile Project - Human For Sale - Necro Hell - Anti CD - Shot At Home

Bad In A Good Way - Major Losers - SLBS - Livez Bluud

Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Dave was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

Wanna see more Holly on the site? She emailed me a while back saying she was prepard to do a shoot exclusively for the site... but obviously there was going to be a catch... I have to come up with some $$$ to get her to do it.

This is where I need your help. Just click some of the following links and check out the sites. I'm not too far away from doing this thing so with a bit more help you'll be seeing more of Holly Ryder again soon!

- Fling Babes -

I CAN SPELL, I JUST CANNOT TIPE --- [New Scientist, 29 May, 1999]

" ... randomising letters in the middle of words [has] little or no effect on the ability of skilled readers to understand the text. This is easy to denmtrasote. In a puiltacibon of New Scnieitst you could ramdinose all the letetrs, keipeng the first two and last two the same, and reibadailty would hadrly be aftcfeed. My ansaylis did not come to much beucase the thoery at the time was for shape and senqeuce retigcionon. Saberi's work sugsegts we may have some pofrweul palrlael prsooscers at work. The resaon for this is suerly that idnetiyfing coentnt by paarllel prseocsing speeds up regnicoiton. We only need the first and last two letetrs to spot chganes in meniang. This was not easy to type!"

Understanding is more important than precision?

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The Queen Mother meets Lady Diana in heaven and says "How do I get a halo like yours?"
Dianna turns to her and says, "Piss off Gran, it's a steering wheel!"
A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife: "Pack your bags honey, I've just won the lottery! 10 million of it..."
"Woooohoooo! "That's great, sweetie!" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or mountains?"
"Who cares," he replies, "Just fuck off!"

click here for more

This one is in reference to the Wanker Of The Year email I posted last update. The one where some guys in a Holden Commodore threw beer bottles at some parked motorbikes...

Alan wrote:
Subject: Re Anthony's Panel

Hi Orsm

I would just like to bring to your attention the real situation with regard to the story about the white commodore referred to on your website.

The car in question was in fact reported as a stolen vehicle by the owner, who at the time of the incident was no longer Anthony's Panel, the car had been purchased by another party, and they had it stolen shortly after.

I do believe you owe an apology, and a retractment of the story, as this type of story telling can lead to defamation actions.

I would have thought that you would have verified the veracity of storys you publish on your website. I would also enquire of the person relating the story to reveal how he obtained the owners name and address from the REGO No. as this information should be private, and the person may have obtained this information illegally!!

Do you know or even care that an innocent party, in this case a small business could be irreparably damaged due to the careless publishing of unsubstantiated claims.

By all means publish the story, but for goodness sake try to protect innocent people by only publishing KNOWN facts.

On behalf of the owner of Anthony's Panel, I hope you understand the possible ramifications of this, and DO THE RIGHT THING...



click here for more

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, she replied, "That's me before the operation."


Aint nature just the greatest...?

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident.

They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case and page the doctor. Dr. Smith comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset husband. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

Yes, sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm just fucking with you...she's dead."

click here for more

Three pregnant women are sitting, chatting and knitting jumpers for their expected kids.

The first one says "I hope that I have a baby boy, because I'm knitting a blue jumper."

The second says "I hope that I have a girl because I'm knitting a pink jumper."

The third woman says "I hope my kid is a spastic, because I've fucked up the arms."

Random shite. The shite that has a cult following the world over. Let's bring it on shall we...

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite - Random Shite

Random Shite - Random Shite

Ah yes... Orsm video time. Anyone who says the this site doesn't give value for [my] money is an absolute wanker. Today, I proudly present over 35megs of some of the finest filth that the internet has to offer and as always, it's all free.

Firstly, you should check out the following mp3 clip of a guy called King Billy Coke Bottle. He's an Aboriginal comedian from right here in Perth. Used to spend some time on morning radio if memory serves. It's only short but it's quite good.

- King Billy Coke Bottle - Pet Crab -

That's all you guy's are getting out of me for this update. I've got this week off so you can probably look forward to a bit more in a few days but like always - don't fuckin hold me to it.

Time to clean the house now. Last nites little housewarming party has left shit strewn from one side of the house to the other so there's atleast a couple of hours of cleaning ahead of me. Greeeeeat.

Anyways, be good, stay off the chems and don't forget to vote! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

orsmupdate 2002.04.09-13.03

Orsm's Bachelor Pad: Beer N Pussy

For someone that doesn't have a job I manage to keep myself pretty damn busy and the last couple of weeks have been no exception. I have however, managed to find the hours needed to piece together another massive update that should keep you all amused for a few minutes.

Had my Cisco Sem 3 exam last Thursday nite in which I scored 93%. Four solid days studying my ass off obviously paid off. I still can't fucking subnet though! It just defeats me every time I look at it and gets even more confusing when you have to start combining your knowledge of subnetting with creating control lists. Not doing too badly over all.

Myself and the boys have finally found a decent house to move into. Submitted our application and it was accepted straight away. I guess we're just likeable or something. We've already been given the keys [and started paying rent] so we'll be moving in this coming weekend. I'm finding still finding the concept of it all a little bit scary. The idea of being away from the place in which I have been so comfortable in for more than 20 years doesn't feel right... except the part about getting away from my schizophrenic brother. He's walking proof that smoking too much marijuana for too long really does turn you into a violent head-fucked piece of shit.

I think it's safe to say that summer is over for another year. The sun is getting up later and the days are noticably shorter. I've always been a big fan of the cooler months but what I am going to miss between now and November is the short skirts and low cut tops. I'll have to rely on all you guys in the Northern Hemisphere to keep me flush with pics and vids so I aren't missing out.

Big Brother returns to Australia this week. Just like the sheep I am, I was fully hooked last year and I dare say this year won't be any different. Let's just hope that they've got some nice women this time.

Anyways, enough dribbling and social commentary. Time to get on with this update thingy and give you guys what you came here for. This update is absolutely massive and I can guarantee you'll get my bandwidth's worth.

Wayne Carey Joke Tribute - Art Of Teaching - Dr. Laura Schlessinger

I've added a tonne of stuff this week. There's 20 new Priceless pics in the galeries now. They start here. Talking of Galleries there's been more added to the Chicks N Stuff section. Check em out here. Don't forget to surf the Archives which are just brimming with thousands of images and vids and other random shite.

Go check out the all new site forums! You can reach them by surfing to forums.orsm.net. I've spent a ages setting them up and testing everything so they should work sweetly. If you think you'll make a good Moderator or if you want to see something added, let me know here. Now go have a look!

Another area of the site that I've been meaning to fatten up is the Comics Gallery. I'll be adding 20 new comics every week - the newest addition can be found here.

Now I am definitely not gay [not that there's anything wrong with that!] and I hope you could have guessed that after checking out my site for a few minutes but the dude in these pics has a pretty damn impressive piece of meat. Whaddya think of that ladies...??

Long Schlong - Long Schlong - Long Schlong

Long Schlong - Long Schlong - Long Schlong - Long Schlong

This one only really applies to people in Perth, Western Australia. Doesn't really excuse people for being such fuckwits on the road though. If you see either of these cars make sure you tell em they suck.... then duck. Definitely Wanker Of The YEar material. WOTY submissions go here.

Campbell wrote:
Subject: Motorbikes

If it's not bad enough already that every car driver on the road is actively on a search and destroy mission for me every time I ride my motorbike, there are even more idiots causing grief to riders. If you see these cars around (details below), please feel free to kill the occupants and destroy the vehicles.

On Sunday in Freo the occupants of a Car with the Rego "THOMAS 77" threw a glass bottle at the motorbikes parked on Essex St. They would not stop to have a chat though, cowards!!

This is getting a bit much, a few weeks ago, Campo (motorbike rider) was nosed in by two cars then got a few hit to the head and they pushed both his bike (GSXR750) and Marks (R6) over causing a couple grand in damage (Rego # "1BBP 308" it was a white Commodore)

The White Commodore is owned by:
Anthony's Panel & Paint
Lot 21 Sparks Rd Munster 6166

I would appreciate if you told everyone you know not to do any business with them. Orsm - reckon you can post these regos and the owner's details on your website? Could cause the owners some grief which would be great!

Wanna see more Holly on the site? A few weeks back, she emailed me saying she was prepard to do a shoot exclusively for the site but there was obviously going to be a catch... I have to come up with some $$$ to get her to do it.

This is where I need your help. I need you to sign up with some of the following programs so I can cover it. At worst - just click some damn banners around the site!

- Fling Babes -

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.

No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

click here for more

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf. " The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have, Mr Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you fuck off?! I'm trying to have a shit!


The following sites belong to a bunch of web master that offered to whore their sisters out to me in exchange for a link. Go surf their sites [all of which are probably way better than mine] so they can make good on said promises.

Jewish Curt - Abuse The Mind - Fluffy Bunny Feet - B0g

If you run a site and wanna be linked then drop me an email and i'll see what I can do. By the way, if you've emailed me in the last few weeks asking for linkage then you may wanna contact me again because I somehow managed to lose my link-list.

This just goes to prove just how looks can be totally decieving. What starts as a hot asian chick that you'd hop into given half a chance, ends up being a chick with a dick. Nasty stuff...

China - China - China

Mugabe dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and he does not belong in heaven and Mugabe must go to hell.

So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says,"No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.

Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My word,look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

click here for more

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. Look at ze papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons." "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. Quattro meansa four. You have fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

click here for more

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.


As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

click here for more

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

A few weeks ago I posted some pics of Hard Rock Cafe in Pattaya. Because they provoked such a good reaction and you guys loved them so much, you may also enjoy these. Kek Lok Si in Penang during Chinese New Year...

Kek Lok Si - Kek Lok Si - Kek Lok Si - Kek Lok Si - Kek Lok Si


10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."
8) The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."
7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

click here for more

A man dies and goes to hell. In hell he is met by Satan who says, "I now offer you your choice of tortures for the rest of eternity, I will show you your options." Satan then proceeds to take the man into various chambers of torture. Finally he man is led into a room where another man is receiving a blow job from Pamela Anderson. "Are you sure this is a torture?' asks the stunned man.

"Yeah, it can get pretty tiresome after a while," replies Satan. The man decides to chance his luck and tells Satan that he will take the oral sex option. "Okay, Pammy" Satan says to the buxom blonde, "we've found your replacement, you can go now."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.

Looks like the boys from Vegas Villains have been up to no good...

Lake Havasu - Lake Havasu - Lake Havasu - Lake Havasu


Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned," That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

Orsm Video time. Time for me to dish up some fine women and other screwed up shit. If you have problems viewing the vids, make sure you check the site help.

Well that's all for this week, Folks. Yes, I know - no Random Shite this week. I decided that there was more than enough to keep y'all amused for the time being and that I may aswell try and save some content for the next update.... next update which may not be appear on time due to me moving house. Anyways, wish me luck for the new house and feel free to buy me something nice from my wishlist as a house-warming present. As always, be good, stay off the chems, and don't forget to vote! Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

Click for more awesomeness