Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and welcome once again to Orsmnet for another update... an update so big that, if he were still alive, would have made John Holmes wince in defeat.

With all the shit that's going on at the moment I was actually going to let this update slide for another week but quickly decided that I'd rather be under the pump trying to get an update done rather than listen to the emails asking whether or not I am still alive..

As I mentioned in the last update I have a wedding to attend this coming weekend which I will be required to give a joint speech as part of my groomsman role. I put the call out for help last update and ended up with a shit load of replies. There was some kick ass idea's in the bunch so many thanks to everyone who replied.

As far as the actual writing of the speech goes, it's pretty much all finished. After reading and re-reading about a million times I'm feeling a lot more confident about standing in front of a a large crowd of people and not fucking up. Fingers crossed that it gets a laugh and good reaction other wise I will be forced to relive the experience as I am taunted and teased at the mercy of my mates for years to come...

I'll probably post it next update depending on how well it turns out...

Other shit we have to organise is a wedding present and funnily enough we're no closer to finding one now than we were before the engagement which was announced 2 years ago. Nothing like leaving it until the last minute huh!?

My only other concern [read: stress] at this point is the weather. Now that it's finally gone autumn I was hoping that we'd seen the last of the heat. Admittedly summer this year was one of the shortest I remember... something I'm not entirely heart-broken about but it seems that summer was...

Summer has done what it does best and saved best for last I think JUST to spite me. The bureau of meterology is currently forecasting 40°C for this Sunday - that's around 104°F for all you yanks that still read temperature the wrong way. Regardless, being stuck in a church for an hour in a tuxedo, in sweltering heat, pissing sweat out of every pore is generally not my idea of fun so if everyone can start praying for a cold front to hit the coast some time on Saturday nite I would appreciate it.

While I'm on this general wedding part of my monologue I should also make a comment about the buck's party as a few of you did ask how it turned out. I think it can be best summed up in this one statement: "What happens on bucks... stays on bucks!" I'll try and get some of the submissions for stuff to do that I had from you guy's together for next update also.

Have you guys checked out NewbieNudes.com? There are some crazy hot chicks on there just posting hard core pics & vids of themselves each and every day. A lot of the time they take requests in the live chat too. NN has over 50,000 totally free pics with over 300 new[bie!] ones added each day - check it out!

For anyone that's a car enthusiast the Ultimate Cruises car club will be out and about again this Saturday March 20th. Meet time is around 8pm and departure is 8:45pm sharp. If the last cruise was anything to go by this is going to be an awesome nite. All welcome just remember - no dickheads! More info here.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Ever heard of MyFreePaysite.com? It's the web's only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, check out the Voyeur Dorm, watch Snoop Dogg fuck bitches while he raps about it, and even download the Paris Hilton video all for free. Plus they've got tons of streaming full-length porn movies. And all you need is an email addresss to join! Shit, they'll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Marriage - Dear Wife: A Rebuttal - The Marriage Dictionary - Pingwin Returns - Escape!

Swear - ZZzzzZZzzzZz - Dishonest Dubya - Sissy Jennifer - Personal Ads - Stoned Crims - Cool Limos

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up...

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'm popping out for a while, I'll be back soon..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie? LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER FUCKINGSNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT??" And they lived happily ever after...

ALEXA HUNNIE Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai - Alexa Kai

A MAN'S VIEW

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical centre as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice.

For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook moments like these because I realise it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible.

No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realise that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow - Aurora Snow

A young divorcee' was sitting at a bar one night when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink.

One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither pose, and whispered, "Okay, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man show me what you young, black boys do best."

So he beat the shit out of her and stole her stereo...

Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise - Cameron Cruise

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into store to buy some supplies. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.

Unable to do anything except wait the Lone Ranger returns to the store to finish buying their supplies. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the store and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and claims, I do, what's wrong with him this time? The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing,' but you left your Injun running'.

Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina - Karina

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says. She does so, and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat. Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you've got a headache."

ORSM VIDEO I posted the pic you see to your right back in February in the Random Shite section. Since then I've had a few emails from you guy's with more info on what happened but for the life of me I can't seem to find them. What I did manage to hang on to was a couple of sweet vids of the incident which you will find below. The first half is from the outside and the second, actually inside the cockpit. Funny... when you watch a pilot eject in a movie the whole thing goes on for ages - when you watch it really happen, it's all over in a split second. Check it... - Thunder Bird: Air Show Eject -

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be okay in Sydney or Brisbane but we're not having any of that homo shit in Perth!"

Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky - Krystal & Sky

A man's wife goes missing. and the man is distraught. He calls the police, fire brigade, SES, ambulance; everyone. Finally after 3 days, two policemen knock on his door, caps in hand, with solemn looks on their faces. The more senior constable asks the man if he reported his wife missing. After the man said yes, the constable asked for a brief descrption, which was provided.

"Ah" said the policeman, "Then I fear we have some bad news, good news, and some very good news." Deciding to cop it both-barrels the man opted to hear the bad news first. "Well, sir, we have found your wife. Unfortunately she was found under the pier, and has been dead for some days now." After recouperating from the bad tidings, the man asks for the good news. "Oh, well, when we pulled your departed wife up from the water, she was covered in crustaceans; crayfish, crabs, lobsters, you name it. Here's your share" at which point the junior officer hads the man a bag full of shellfish. "Well, this is some consolation i suppose. Mary was always giving... even in death it would seem." The man sobbed "And what is the VERY good news?"

The senior policeman looked briefly at his watch and replied "Meself and the lad here knock-off about 5:00, and we're gonna go down and pull her up again!"

LEROY Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each word in a sentence. 1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody. 2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good. 3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb. 4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose. 5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both. 6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment then I go back to the joint. 7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis. 8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel". 9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine. 10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall. 11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break. 12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?" 13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify." 14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned Mr Whippy truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."

ASIAN CONNECTION Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan - Mika Tan

A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite." When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"

The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone." The bartender says, "Oh! You're full of it!" So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it. The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."

The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids. After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.

After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The guy says, "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"

Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers - Clubbers

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me ein Becks, der real King of beers." Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you poofs aren't drinkin' real beer, then neither am I!"

LEGGY LEGS Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin - Berlin

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. He is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you say. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69". More thoughtful silence this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...You want... Beef wif Broccori!????"

Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras - Mardi Gras

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to him. The pharmacist looked at it and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

ORSM VIDEO

Darwin Award Candidate

Milk Shake

Padawan Learner

Desperation

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce," she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "Strewth," Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it. Let's try Plan B," Cobba said. "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum," replied Cobba.

"Spot on," Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits?" Cobba said. "Not exactly a good time for that mate." "No." Bruce replied. "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

WHAT A PEACH Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle - Nicolle

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

BURN BABY BURN Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up,

"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch. Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Bald, Curly!"

JUICY LUCY Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy

Richard bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought Richard and he floored it some more, winding the Monaro out to over 210kmph to escape being stopped.

He then thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The cop pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

Richard looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

READER MAIL
I'm still churning through the back log of email that you guy's send me and believe me when I say there's plenty to churn through. Gotta love it don't ya... I spend my days reading email and looking at the cool shit that comes my way. If you have something to say then drop me an email here.

Mike McDonough wrote: Subject: Need Your Help - Stolen Radio Yesterday my car radio was stolen from my car. Fortunately a security camera mounted on a wall near my car recorded the incident. The police have now been able to give me a photograph of the suspect to circulate to friends like yourself in the hope that this person can be identified. While some features are familiar to me, I cannot positively identify the suspect; but you might be able to help. Please let me know if you have any clues because, while losing the radio doesn't really matter, I'd just love to get my hands on this particular suspect. The photo is attached.

TIAAN KOTZE wrote: Subject: TRUE INTENTIONS Hi There, Great site!!!! It keeps my phone bill sky high! JUST A PIC SHOWING THAT TOO MUCH ALCOHOL BRINGS OUT TRUE INTENTIONS...

CM wrote: Subject: Aria Giovonni Got this photo signed at DragonCon 2003, a sci-fi convention in Atlanta, Georgia. I met Aria, got to speak with her for a few minutes. She seems to be quite intelligent and very friendly. Alas, she was fully clothed during the signing. ;)

Bronco fan wrote: Subject: JPG... here is a pic of my buddy angel in bakersfield, CA. let the world know not to pass out at the pad! i hope that was a clean tampon cuz i dont remember if i got that from the bathroom drawer or the trash! make this a prycless pic if you can. the hommies and i will be eagerly awaiting the post... thanks again mr. ORSM!.

cool buddy wrote: Subject: Random shite hey bud, add my tool pix at Random Shite section... want the bbaies to see my tool and desire for it hahahahahahahhahaa Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight... -Orsm

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As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex - Tawny & Alex

A young couple got married and in their family it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened but then they danced for the second song too. And a third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.

A riot broke out and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. "Your Honour, we were just dancing and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs." "That must have hurt!" exclaimed the Judge. "No kidding," said the best man. "He broke three of my bloody fingers!"

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WORTH A SURF
Link whores... gotta love em. At some point the guy's that run the below sites dropped me an email politely requesting that I help them achieve internet greatdom and link them. Fair enough. I'm a pretty helpful sort of person so why the hell not eh!? By the way... webmasters wanting their sites linked should swing past this page first.

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A Tasmanian man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin. "

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says, "Pa, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin." "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving... If she wasn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours."

GRACEFUL BEAUTY Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

An Australian, an Englishman and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Australian, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the Aussie, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Englishman and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the Australian, "the Englishman was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."