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March 2004...
 
orsmupdate 2004.03.18-23.50
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Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and welcome once again to Orsmnet for another update... an update so big that, if he were still alive, would have made John Holmes wince in defeat.

With all the shit that's going on at the moment I was actually going to let this update slide for another week but quickly decided that I'd rather be under the pump trying to get an update done rather than listen to the emails asking whether or not I am still alive..

As I mentioned in the last update I have a wedding to attend this coming weekend which I will be required to give a joint speech as part of my groomsman role. I put the call out for help last update and ended up with a shit load of replies. There was some kick ass idea's in the bunch so many thanks to everyone who replied.

As far as the actual writing of the speech goes, it's pretty much all finished. After reading and re-reading about a million times I'm feeling a lot more confident about standing in front of a a large crowd of people and not fucking up. Fingers crossed that it gets a laugh and good reaction other wise I will be forced to relive the experience as I am taunted and teased at the mercy of my mates for years to come...

I'll probably post it next update depending on how well it turns out...

Other shit we have to organise is a wedding present and funnily enough we're no closer to finding one now than we were before the engagement which was announced 2 years ago. Nothing like leaving it until the last minute huh!?

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My only other concern [read: stress] at this point is the weather. Now that it's finally gone autumn I was hoping that we'd seen the last of the heat. Admittedly summer this year was one of the shortest I remember... something I'm not entirely heart-broken about but it seems that summer was...

Summer has done what it does best and saved best for last I think JUST to spite me. The bureau of meterology is currently forecasting 40°C for this Sunday - that's around 104°F for all you yanks that still read temperature the wrong way. Regardless, being stuck in a church for an hour in a tuxedo, in sweltering heat, pissing sweat out of every pore is generally not my idea of fun so if everyone can start praying for a cold front to hit the coast some time on Saturday nite I would appreciate it.

While I'm on this general wedding part of my monologue I should also make a comment about the buck's party as a few of you did ask how it turned out. I think it can be best summed up in this one statement: "What happens on bucks... stays on bucks!" I'll try and get some of the submissions for stuff to do that I had from you guy's together for next update also.

Have you guys checked out NewbieNudes.com? There are some crazy hot chicks on there just posting hard core pics & vids of themselves each and every day. A lot of the time they take requests in the live chat too. NN has over 50,000 totally free pics with over 300 new[bie!] ones added each day - check it out!

For anyone that's a car enthusiast the Ultimate Cruises car club will be out and about again this Saturday March 20th. Meet time is around 8pm and departure is 8:45pm sharp. If the last cruise was anything to go by this is going to be an awesome nite. All welcome just remember - no dickheads! More info here.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

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Ever heard of MyFreePaysite.com? It's the web's only FREE adult megasite where you can see the hundreds of nude webcam girls, check out the Voyeur Dorm, watch Snoop Dogg fuck bitches while he raps about it, and even download the Paris Hilton video all for free. Plus they've got tons of streaming full-length porn movies. And all you need is an email addresss to join! Shit, they'll even let you signup with a free hotmail account! You will not believe this, just go over there for yourself and have a look!

Marriage - Dear Wife: A Rebuttal - The Marriage Dictionary - Pingwin Returns - Escape!

Swear - ZZzzzZZzzzZz - Dishonest Dubya - Sissy Jennifer - Personal Ads - Stoned Crims - Cool Limos

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up...

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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'm popping out for a while, I'll be back soon..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie? LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER FUCKINGSNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT??" And they lived happily ever after...

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A MAN'S VIEW

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical centre as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice.

For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook moments like these because I realise it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible.

No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realise that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

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A young divorcee' was sitting at a bar one night when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink.

One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither pose, and whispered, "Okay, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man show me what you young, black boys do best."

So he beat the shit out of her and stole her stereo...

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into store to buy some supplies. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"

The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.

Unable to do anything except wait the Lone Ranger returns to the store to finish buying their supplies. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the store and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and claims, I do, what's wrong with him this time? The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing,' but you left your Injun running'.

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It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says. She does so, and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat. Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you've got a headache."

ORSM VIDEO

I posted the pic you see to your right back in February in the Random Shite section. Since then I've had a few emails from you guy's with more info on what happened but for the life of me I can't seem to find them. What I did manage to hang on to was a couple of sweet vids of the incident which you will find below. The first half is from the outside and the second, actually inside the cockpit. Funny... when you watch a pilot eject in a movie the whole thing goes on for ages - when you watch it really happen, it's all over in a split second. Check it...

- Thunder Bird: Air Show Eject -

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A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be okay in Sydney or Brisbane but we're not having any of that homo shit in Perth!"

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A man's wife goes missing. and the man is distraught. He calls the police, fire brigade, SES, ambulance; everyone. Finally after 3 days, two policemen knock on his door, caps in hand, with solemn looks on their faces. The more senior constable asks the man if he reported his wife missing. After the man said yes, the constable asked for a brief descrption, which was provided.

"Ah" said the policeman, "Then I fear we have some bad news, good news, and some very good news." Deciding to cop it both-barrels the man opted to hear the bad news first. "Well, sir, we have found your wife. Unfortunately she was found under the pier, and has been dead for some days now." After recouperating from the bad tidings, the man asks for the good news. "Oh, well, when we pulled your departed wife up from the water, she was covered in crustaceans; crayfish, crabs, lobsters, you name it. Here's your share" at which point the junior officer hads the man a bag full of shellfish. "Well, this is some consolation i suppose. Mary was always giving... even in death it would seem." The man sobbed "And what is the VERY good news?"

The senior policeman looked briefly at his watch and replied "Meself and the lad here knock-off about 5:00, and we're gonna go down and pull her up again!"

LEROY
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tell everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.
4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.
5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment then I go back to the joint.
7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".
9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.
11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.
12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."
14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned Mr Whippy truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive."

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A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, "Give me a Bud Lite." When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, "What are you doing with your hand on your face?"

The guy says, "A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone." The bartender says, "Oh! You're full of it!" So the guy says, "If you don't believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it. The bartender says, "Dial 654-8967."

The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids. After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say "Oh, you're full of it!" The bartender tells them if they don't believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.

After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn't come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The guy says, "Hold on a second! I'm getting a fax!"

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At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organisations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conferencing. Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all - gimme a Bud." Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer. Give me ein Becks, der real King of beers." Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, give me a diet coke with ice and lemon please."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?" Paddy replies "Well, if you poofs aren't drinkin' real beer, then neither am I!"

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A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. He is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you say. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69". More thoughtful silence this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...You want... Beef wif Broccori!????"

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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to him. The pharmacist looked at it and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

ORSM VIDEO

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce, Bruce," she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "Strewth," Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it. Let's try Plan B," Cobba said. "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum," replied Cobba.

"Spot on," Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits?" Cobba said. "Not exactly a good time for that mate." "No." Bruce replied. "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

BURN BABY BURN

Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops - Ooops

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Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up,

"Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch. Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Bald, Curly!"

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JUICY LUCY

Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy

Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy - Lucy

Richard bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. Then, he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought Richard and he floored it some more, winding the Monaro out to over 210kmph to escape being stopped.

He then thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The cop pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

Richard looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back." The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

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READER MAIL
I'm still churning through the back log of email that you guy's send me and believe me when I say there's plenty to churn through. Gotta love it don't ya... I spend my days reading email and looking at the cool shit that comes my way. If you have something to say then drop me an email here.

H Bliss wrote:
Subject: America's Finest Video
Hi Orsm. Love the sight! Just a note to say, that video you had of 'America's Finest' is actually of British soldiers. The British Army was disappointed to say the least to loose out all of the 'sexy' assault work in Iraq to the Royal Marines, so they conducted their own amphibious assault experiments to enable them to compete with the RM for the sea-attack work. The video is of 40 Regiment, Royal Artillery attempting that experiment, and was circulated throughout the British Forces as a joke. As you can see the RM have nothing to fear from the Pongos. Here is a link to the full story in the Daily Mirror.

Matt de Vries wrote:
Subject: america's finest actually the UK's finest.
You might have fun taking a shot at americ's armed forces. Only one problem. The guys in the video are british. you can tell from the camo pattern as well as the fact that they are carrying SA-80 rifles.

Adam wrote:
Subject: Hello
Good work on the site; good blend of entertainment. Anyway, just a thought ... The video in the recent update entitled "Americas finest" is very funny but certainly isn't a video of any US military personnel. Not that they wouldn't do something as fucked up as those in the video - they do, all the time, trust me. Just that helmets, uniforms and guns are all different from US issue. Don't know for sure who it is, though. Probably friggin Belgians.

Danny Bock wrote:
Subject: america's finest?....
Dear Mr. Orsm, While I can appreciate the visual irony of being bogged down in a quagmire as indeed the US has found it, your soldiers are I believe British. The US Marines carry the M-16, not the weapon these soldiers are carrying. I do feel for you as nothing could be more insulting to the American service man....like being confused for Queen's finest.

Jason wrote:
Subject: RE Video of America's finest
Dear Mr Orsm, The video is of British Infantry trying a sea-borne landing exercise. After seeing this video I think the British (after two world wars and countless UN operations with Yanks) would have decided that U.S. doctrine simply does not work. Any military member would tell you that amphibious landings are best done at high tide and preferably not on a mud flat. But what can you do when the Yanks are running the war!

Mattman wrote:
Subject: Simpsons House
Hey man, I can tell you exactly about The Simpsons house. As quoted from Simpsons Comics Issue 34 (I would scan the page in but my scanner broke down) - "In 1997 the people of the Simpsons Cartoon and Fannery Company Inc. went on a little joyride on the America West Simpsons plane to beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. There, they celebrated the release of Fox Interactive's Virtual Springfield, watched Matt Groening deface private property by spray painting Bart's head on the side of the garage wall, analyzed Wayne Newtown's tan, and most of all surveyed the real life homage to the Simpsons house by Kaufman & Broad, taking a nice long look-see at a virtual Springfield in Sin City."

Patrick wrote:
Subject: simpsons house
yeah, the simpsons house was a giveaway, I know that my local FOX station participated in it, but I don't know how far it stretched out. I'm pretty sure that it was just a kentucy thing though.

Steve wrote:
Subject: "Priceless Fair Use Victory"
Hey Orsm, Love the site. Who would have thought that boobies and jokes would go well together? You are the weaver! Anyway, here is a story about your friends at Master card losing in court over MasterCard's "Priceless" ad campaign. Shame you didn't have the cash and lawyers that Nader did. Keep up the great work.

Bruce Todd wrote:
Subject: Pictures of Trans Labrador Highway
Hi Mate! AND WE THOUGHT WE HAD IT BAD HERE IN TORONTO ~ Below are Pictures of Trans Labrador Highway and they are still digging out today!!!

click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge
click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge click to enlarge

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: Need Your Help - Stolen Radio
Yesterday my car radio was stolen from my car. Fortunately a security camera mounted on a wall near my car recorded the incident. The police have now been able to give me a photograph of the suspect to circulate to friends like yourself in the hope that this person can be identified.

While some features are familiar to me, I cannot positively identify the suspect; but you might be able to help. Please let me know if you have any clues because, while losing the radio doesn't really matter, I'd just love to get my hands on this particular suspect. The photo is attached.

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TIAAN KOTZE wrote:
Subject: TRUE INTENTIONS
Hi There, Great site!!!! It keeps my phone bill sky high! JUST A PIC SHOWING THAT TOO MUCH ALCOHOL BRINGS OUT TRUE INTENTIONS...

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CM wrote:
Subject: Aria Giovonni
Got this photo signed at DragonCon 2003, a sci-fi convention in Atlanta, Georgia. I met Aria, got to speak with her for a few minutes. She seems to be quite intelligent and very friendly. Alas, she was fully clothed during the signing. ;)

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Bronco fan wrote:
Subject: JPG...
here is a pic of my buddy angel in bakersfield, CA. let the world know not to pass out at the pad! i hope that was a clean tampon cuz i dont remember if i got that from the bathroom drawer or the trash! make this a prycless pic if you can. the hommies and i will be eagerly awaiting the post... thanks again mr. ORSM!.

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wen lan wrote:
Subject: China Top Skills
Hey there, i am a big fan of yours. here is what i've got from my friend in China. plz do not reveal my email address if you use them. thank you.

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Stuart wrote:
Subject: don't store leaking gas bottles in your car otherwise..
"...on the 29 of September in Newcastle where a leaking gas cylinder was left in the cabin of a commercial vehicle over night and when the driver returned the next day and activated the remote entry the vehicle exploded. As a result the driver suffered facial and hearing damage...."

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cool buddy wrote:
Subject: Random shite
hey bud, add my tool pix at Random Shite section... want the bbaies to see my tool and desire for it hahahahahahahhahaa

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight... -Orsm

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Ben wrote:
Subject: I don't normally have a brilliant Idea so at least listen to this one.
I was looking down the left side of your page. There is Main Site, Priceless Pics, Priceless Video, and so on and so forth. I saw at the bottom Buy Me Shit and had one of my brilliant ideas. Add another section for user submissions. Let them send you content or pictures or whatever. In order for a user submission to get posted however they have to buy you shit. Because, seriously, who doesn't love a little flat-out bribery? At least give it a test run. Try it out in March and if it doesn't work cut it.

P.S. Love the site but am broke as a joke, otherwise I'd take my own advice.

DjThAtKiDTeD wrote:
Subject: hackers
as being an ex hacker i can tell u this much with ure server u must have a video/picture with a hidden hole.you can get rid of this by deleting all files and start all new

Terry Bourke wrote:
Subject: a blonde wins one !!
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and i haven't heard back.

HOW DOES UNRESTRICTED ACCES TO 12 OF YOU FAVOURITE PORN SITES ALL FOR THE PRICE OF ONE SOUND?
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? NO WAY! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT @ ALLSITEACCESS.COM!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

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A young couple got married and in their family it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened but then they danced for the second song too. And a third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.

A riot broke out and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. "Your Honour, we were just dancing and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs." "That must have hurt!" exclaimed the Judge. "No kidding," said the best man. "He broke three of my bloody fingers!"

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WORTH A SURF
Link whores... gotta love em. At some point the guy's that run the below sites dropped me an email politely requesting that I help them achieve internet greatdom and link them. Fair enough. I'm a pretty helpful sort of person so why the hell not eh!? By the way... webmasters wanting their sites linked should swing past this page first.

Newbie Nudes - Cafe Frat - Tax That Ass - NSFW - Sociopathic - Mucho Sucko - Comic Shirts - Shoosh Time

A Tasmanian man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin. "

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says, "Pa, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin." "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving... If she wasn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours."

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GRACEFUL BEAUTY

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

An Australian, an Englishman and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Australian, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the Aussie, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Englishman and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the Australian, "the Englishman was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

RANDOM SHITE

I've might have nailed it this week with one of the best Random Shite selection ever... probably no need for me to dribble senselessly about it either! Check it...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

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MARRIAGE TRUTHS

1. Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
2. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
3. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
4. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" and the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
5. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
6. Young son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in most countries, son."
7. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
8. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. When a TO-BE married man looks happy we ALL know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - We wonder WHY.
10. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
11. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." and the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
12. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
13. A man inserted an "ad" in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
14. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or wife is new.
15. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
16. A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him," asked the friend. Woman replied, "A multi-millionaire."

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A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

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One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blew her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "Shit, it started..."

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Con has his nephew from the mainland over to visit him, on his small island home, he takes his nephew up the local mountain and says, see the house's to the west I built them, but they don't call me Con the builder, see those fishing boats to the south well I built them, but they don't call me Con the boat builder, then he say's now look to the west see that dam I filled that up, but they don't call me Con the water bearer, but you FUCK JUST ONE GOAT...!!

ORSM VIDEO

I was tired of being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.

I finished the book by the time I reached my house. I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing a finger in her face, I said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The fucking funeral director," she said.

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A CUT ABOVE

Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus

Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus - Venus

A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese men are seated. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three men are furiously masturbating.

She asks, "What the hell are you three perverts doing?"One man replies, "We all very hungry!" She answers, "But why are you jerking off?" Another Jap answers, "Yes, sure, because menu say," 'First Come, First Served!'"

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Well if you've made it this far you have probably just wasted a good few hours in which you were supposed to be doing something else. Love your work.

Anyway thats all from me for this week so until next time be good, stay off the chem's and ummm... be good... some more. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.

 
orsmupdate 2004.03.05-1.21
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I think I'm finally on the tail end of what was probably the most unproductive two weeks I have had for a very long time. Normally on the first week following an update I spend time working on a few other small projects, cleaning up and fixing shit around the site or getting shit prepared for the next update. The next week is a four-day mad scramble to put everything together which ends up looking a lot like what you are surfing as you read this. Generally a good system that works quite well for me.

Jump back a week and a half... it all kicked off in the very early hours of Monday morning. I was abruptly awoken in a nasty coughing fit which to expelling a rather pungent, liquidy substance commonly known as vomit. The next two days were spent in bed feeling sorry for myself as I suffered through the nasty bug which is going around at the moment.

Hit Tuesday nite and I decide I may as well take the opportunity to do a long overdue format of my computer. I have no idea why I always think it'll be an easy process. Sure, it's it's a piece of piss to format and reinstall Windows but the suck factor rears its ugly head when time to reinstall the shit load of programs, apps and tools I use from day to day. Still, now a week and a half later I don't have everything set back up the way it was and the stuff I do still isn't quite right. There's got to be an easier way.

The whole fiasco reminded me that it's been almost two years since I upgraded my computer... probably not that long for most people but the old P4 2.2Ghz just aint cutting the mustard these days. Sooner or later I'll have to upgrade which means another format and reinstall of all my shit. Not looking forward to that one bit I tell ya...

Back to my last couple of weeks... I've also had to spend some time planning my best mate's buck's party for this coming Saturday. The problem here is that I have only been to one buck's in my life and that was almost ten years ago. I got pretty much no idea what goes on at these things so hopefully it turns out all good. If anyone has got any ideas for shit to do on the day then please drop me an email because we're a bit lost.

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Obviously with the bucks being this weekend it means there's the wedding in a couple of weeks. Two of my closest friends are finally taking the plunge and walking down the aisle. Silly buggers!

From the outside looking in its scary shit - they're the first of my group of friends to do this so for me at least, anticipation and anxiety levels are sky high. In my 26 years on this planet I've only been to one wedding and that was attended just as a guest. This time around I'm attending as one of the groomsmen which means I have had the honour of giving a speech bestowed upon me.

Here's the weird part... every second week I update this site. Every second week I write a blog such as the one you're reading right now and in those two long weeks between updates over 400,000 people log on and read what I've got to say. Now, can anyone tell me why I'm feeling absolutely terrified of having to stand up and give a speech to just 120 people? Let's hope I don't completely fuck it up...

Oh... if any of you guy's reading this has had to give a similar speech before then I'd LOVE it if you can forward me a copy so I can get some ideas of what the hell I'm supposed to say. Email me here.

I can think of two reasons why you haven't checked out Revenge TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge TV is how! Click here to see what I mean...

Dear Husband - The Bush Presidency [A Retort] - Prycless 40 - Incase You Were Wondering - Massterpieces

Virtual Feminization - Fucked Up - No Shark Fin Soup - Haliburton - Faith Converter - My ABC's - Colour Test

I've never really understood or for that matter shared the urge to parade myself completely naked in public. I'm mostly all for it so long as the paradee is young, hot and of course, female... or at the very very least has a nice rack.

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

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A man enters his favourite restaurant and sits at his regular table. Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to her, knowing that if she accepts it she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the girl, saying, "This is from the gentleman over there," indicating him. She regards the wine coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the lady.

It read: "For your information - I happen to have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?" The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender says "Okay, here's what you have to do... First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!" "Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar" comes the reply.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

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A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked. She grew great boobies! One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus, when she realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them, she got up right in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do! How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock..."

ORSM VIDEO

Even if you're a normal hetrosexual male like myself I'm sure you're eyes will pop out of your head when you see what this dude is packin'. There's no question that he puts most of us to shame but if you could, would you really wanna have a sword that big? For starters it completely rules out being able to wear a thong which I for one would object to...

Jesus H Christ: Massive Pole

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Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; Illegal aliens got driver's licenses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, His wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and I. M. A. Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing.

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HOW DOES UNRESTRICTED ACCES TO 12 OF YOU FAVOURITE PORN SITES ALL FOR THE PRICE OF ONE SOUND?
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE? NO WAY! CHECK THIS SHIT OUT @ ALLSITEACCESS.COM!

A woman goes into a sports store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's 21st birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A check-out clerk is standing there wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's an eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel, spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $199.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not even know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."

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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

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The Pope was having a shower and although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church." "This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million dollars" replied the Pope. "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper," They must have seen you coming!"

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A couple decide to try and track down the twins they adopted out at birth 20 years ago. After many months they get letters from both the twins. Juan was adopted out to a couple in Mexico, and includes a photo of himself with his letter.

Amal ended up with a couple in Egypt, also sent a letter but no photo. The woman was really happy to hear from the twins - happy that they are healthy and have found families that love them. But before too long she's crying.

"What's wrong?" her husband asks her. "It's just that Juan sent a photo but Amal didn't" she replied. "I don't see what the problem is," he says "They're identical twins. If you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."

click here for more

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7 year old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

The coach continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole', is it?'' Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

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ORSM VIDEO

HOW DOES UNRESTRICTED ACCES TO 12 OF YOU FAVOURITE PORN SITES ALL FOR THE PRICE OF ONE SOUND?
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I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to her front door.

Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before we arranged to see each other the following evening.

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth. Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that?

She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopaedia. It said that it did not perform well in bed and suggested tying it to a wall or fence."

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Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious. The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...

The driver asks "What does 'College of Logic' mean?" Professor replies "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a Lawn mower?" Driver: "Yes, I do." Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."

Driver says "Yep, I have a very big yard." Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house." Driver: "I have a very big house." Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family." Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."

Prof says "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual." Driver: "Yes Sir, straight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."

Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...

His mate questions "So, what's it all about?" The driver says "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a Lawn mower?" Passenger says "No." "Then you're a fag!"

click here for more

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mummy what's that?" Somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge."

Content with her answer off he goes... Later he runs into the living room and asks "Mummy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." This pacifies him for the moment and back out to play he goes.

Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mummy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?" Johnny proudly stated "The maids got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

READER MAIL
Plenty of cool email for you all this week as I try and clear some of the back log. Tell you one thing though - it gets harder by the day to keep track of it all and sort the good stuff from the stuff I have seen a million times before... not to mention the plethora of viruses circulating the net at the moment which makes it even worse. Anyway, if you've got something you wanna see on the site or just got something to say then you can drop me a line here.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Saddam's "Capture"
I'd like to congratulate you 1st on the splendid job you do. A funny & provocative site, entertaining & fun. Not your average site where the humor is weak & the women skanks. You have the patience of a proverbial saint to put up with all the Richard Helmuts (aka Dickheads) who whinge & critique & hack. Kinda bummed on how many people are missing the real story on Saddam's capture. It appears to be another Bush photo-op. One of the few reputable alternative news outlets that Bush has not destroyed in Amerika is Democracy Now. They broke the news that Saddam was actually captured by Kurds. He was then sold to Amerika (sic) and locked in the spiderhole for his photo-op (sarcasm implied). The 1st major news source to break the capture was Iranian. They broke the story to Europe & Amerika after Kurds had already been celebrating for 4 hours. Why would Iranian news break an Amerikan capture 1st ? You would think "imbedded" (ie lodged in a general's rectum) reporters would have broke that story 1st. Just another photo-op like George's plastic Thanksging turkey, or his "war is over we got him" flight suit photo-op. Whatever happened to the "Where's Waldo" Osama game ? And if you're ever bored, check out the Project Censored book series. University Profs research the top 25 censored Amerikan news stories each year, and have been doing it since '75. The 2003 edition has multiple stories from multiple angles showing that Bush let 9/11 happen to further his own personal agendas. INVASION ! Ya I sound like fruitcake but feel free to check out, I know you are wordly & wise. Apologize for the rant but I work in media, and am ashamed that the US is a monarchy again. My bro currently resides in Queensland, and if I can ever make it down I hope to find u & buy you a cornucopia o' litres. Till then don't let the bastards grind you down.

Ron wrote:
Subject: 1,000,000/min weapon
hey orsm did you know that weapon was a aussie invention? http://www.metalstorm.com. the asx trade code is mst. some brisbane bloke made came up with the idea of a electric gun with no moving parts in his backyard.

<with held> wrote:
Subject: Regarding the 3 screenshots from "Who wants to be a millionaire"
Hi there, Regarding the three screenshots from "Who wants to be a millionaire" from Annette. They are fakes. At the moment there are a lot of them around the internet. First thing: There is a spelling mistake - "heisst" instead of "heißt". Second: The graphics don't look exactly the same as the originals - they look somehow different. Third: They would never ask such questions. Nevertheless some (younger) people living in Germany/Europe/-insert the country you want- don't know things like the first name of G.W.. But I think you can find those people all over the world.

Andrew Riley wrote:
Subject: Some pics from an accident that just happened outside the Hog
thought you might find these interesting - the driver of the van was trapped for about 40 minutes. happened in auckland NZ outside one of the pubs - truck driver going just a little too fast.

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Todd wrote:
Subject: Planet28
G'day mate, I caught your latest update today. been in thailand for two weeks with the missus and enjoying the shit out of lying on the beach, telling the locals that i dont want to buy another fucking coconut or another fucking sarong. anyway i saw the picture called planet28. the missus and i live in japan, not too far from where this picture is taken. I'm not sure where you got the picture of Kiyomizu Temple (Possibly the most popular temple in all of Kyoto), but its definitely been dodgied up a bit. the picture i have attached to this email is the one on your website and also a picture i took of the same view in october last year. I will say that the image is impressive, but obviously faked. Anyway, if you want any info on japan (most of the stupid stuff if you like) let me know.

Ryan Carrigan wrote:
Subject: boobs
My homie took this picture snowboarding yesterday.

Why does whit like this never happen to me huh? Why!? -Orsm

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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Wassup
Hey Mr Orsm. Your site is the best, keep up the good work!!! My name is Sandra. And i have a bigger brother that pisses me off all the time. So to take my revenge, i found pics of his small dick!!!! Dont forget to put them on your next update!!! XxXxX

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William Olivarez wrote:
Subject: Payback!
Mr. ORSM, I find it necessary to send you these pictures of my brother's ex-wife after a falling out which included her ripping me off for $300. This might sound like pocket-change, which it is, but that is really beside the point because I would do this to her if it was over 50 cents. She is a nasty bitch and reminds me of Jessie's wife, just ask B.Y.Hova.

kurt taylor wrote:
Subject: numberplate
saw this at v8 supercar meeting in new zealand. thought u might like to see it.

Hmmmm... give him points for trying I guess... -Orsm

click to enlarge

Michael Katz wrote:
Subject: interesting picture
I hope this gets on your site, I just found it funny because I took this picture of a guy who was playing bongo's and a didreodu, and he was smoking a joint with cops right next to him, and the cops though it was a rolled cigarette.

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Emrah wrote:
Subject: Istanbul
Bomb attacks on the British consulate and the HSBC bank headquarters in Istanbul have left at least 27 dead and up to 400 injured (for now). British Consul-General Roger Guy Short was among 15 people kiled in the attack to consulate in these pics you can see fires at HSBC headquarters right after the blasts...

PanicFan wrote:
Subject: Somewhere Between The Stink And The Pink
Yo, Great site!!! Please post this pic!!! This is some dirty little stripper whore from Raleigh, NC.!!! I packed this little bitch's dooky all night!!! Then she sucked the stank off my hang low until it was nice and shiny!!!!

What a fuckin great ass! -Orsm

click to enlarge

Dave Ruhl wrote:
Subject: from a loving fan
As a college student her in the states, I feel its my obligation to give back to the scientific community with some research of my own. That, and its winter vacation, and I'm bored. So without forther delay, I present the fruits of my grueling research, and wish you all the best, Mr. Orsm: http://www.geocities.com/fairyinboots53//vegans.html

Tom wrote:
Subject: Something Missing...
Hi, Just wanna say, you've got an awesome site, great porn, but the one thing that's missing is these pics of my ex (low quality I know, taken with a phone cam). Sadly, she dumped me, but my loss can be everyone's gain if you share these pics with the world for me. Thanks.

click for gallery

Ben Sampson wrote:
Subject: Aeroplane Prangs
Hey Mr. ORSM. I've just bought a scanner and I thought I'd share with everyone some pix I've taken during the fourteen years I have spent working at Bankstown Airport in Sydney. These were all taken during the first half of the'90s, I have more recent ones as well which I'll send later if you like. No-one was killed in any of these incidents, in most cases the only injuries were to people's egos and bank balances. Keep up the good work.

click for gallery
Jane wrote:
Subject: right vs left
Yes there is a man in this photograph. Can you find the man within 3 seconds? According to medical experiments: If you can find the Man's Head within 3 seconds, your right brain is more developed than normal people. If you can find the Man's Head within 1 minute, your right brain is developed normally. If it takes you longer then a minute you are a complete and utter spastic.
click to enlarge
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Read before u view the picture
The guy in the photo went to the Sundarbans with his friends and he asked 1 of his friends to take his picture in that very place. While his friend was taking the picture he screamed and fainted, 2 days later he died in the medical college. Doctors said he died because of heart attack. When the photos were exposed, in the last photo there was a lady standing right beside him even though his friends claim that he was standing alone. Many people said it is bullshit and the picture is the result of the latest technology. However, the photo itself is very scary and I'm sure you'll also feel the same way. Here you go with the photo!!

Mike McDonough wrote:
Subject: F15 and P51

I forgot my camera but a guy at the Sheppard Air Base Air Show we were at a while back emailed me a picture of the F15 and P 51 flying in formation....the old and the new...60 years of history between them....way cool !

click to enlarge
R. M. wrote:
Subject: check out this bike!
this is a bike i saw at this years laconia bike rally. thought you would appreciate it.
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click to enlarge

<with held> wrote:
Subject: hairball....
Dear Mr. Orsm, Please find attached a picture of a piece of Lindt chocolate that I ate a few months ago. I Bit into it and discovered a piece of human hair was contained, at least 12 cm in length (although there be more contained...) So anyway, I contaced Lindt and they didn't give a toss, sent me 3 chocolate bars as compensation and told me to sod off. Then they basically said that they did not believe me that it was real. 2 of the 3 replacement bars were off as well. Nice one. I just wanted you to put this pic on your site (which i think is always interesting, esp RS) to let everyone know that Lindt thinks the consumer does not matter. They don't care. Maybe if sales slumped a little in Au, then they might think twice before allowing such a complete cock-up. If you are not sure if you want to bother putting this on ur site, just imagine how gross it would have been if it happened to you... Cheers mate.

A chemist walks into his shop to find a customer leaning heavily against the wall. "What's wrong with that man?" he asks his assistant. "Well," the assistant replies. "He came in this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative!"

"You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" splutters the chemist. "Yes, you can. Look at him... now he's afraid to cough!"

click here for more

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

FREE AS A BIRD

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

Swan - Swan - Swan - Swan

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Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident.

They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones. "Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine." "Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him." Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly... "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up his faeces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead."

click here for more

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth," the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nith eyth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nith eerth," he says "now can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... can I see her wun awound?"

WORST ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME

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A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, they are both deaf mutes."

With this she ushers him in to the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching the soccer game, and mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly, dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up and gives her one from behind and place two more match sticks under his eyelids.

No sooner had they concluded this strange behaviour, the daughter returns fully dressed for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "it's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail, the young man reluctantly recounts the story. "Well, first your mother jumped from her chair and lifted up her skirt. She then pulled down her panties and threw a glass of water over her behind." "I see," said the girl.

The boy then says "your dad leant your mum over the couch and did her from behind. He then sat back down and placed match sticks under his eyelids." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mum was simply saying, "Are you going to get this arsehole a drink?" And dad replied "No, fuck you. I'm watching the match!"

click here for more

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind... my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Click for more awesomeness

ORSM VIDEO

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

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WORTH A SURF
After coming this far through the update there's you may very well be looking for a change... so why not check out these guy's! Definitely some of the best link whores around! [Webmasters: If you want your site linked then here's what you do.]

Newbie Nudes - Shag Nasty - 15 Times - Another Site - Fucking Mother Fucker - Makes Me Angry

Drunk Report - Stripping Babes - Spazzed - Froder - Sex Info 101 - Fucked Up Images

The Nun teaching church school was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Mary raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands?"

Mary replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "Oh what a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Harry raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Harry, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Harry said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Daddy hadn't of had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

click here for more

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question" "If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?" After pondering the question for a minute she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting especially with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet." They thanked the brunette and said they'd get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. She responds, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its beautiful rings." Again, a "thank you" and promise to get back to her.

Finally, the blonde enters the room and they asked her the same question, they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thinks for a while and replies; "I would like to go to the sun because it's gold, just like my hair." Quite shocked at her response, the people from NASA ask "Don't you know that if you go to the sun you will burn to death?" The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb or something? I'd go at night of course!"

click here for more

Hussyking is showering up in a locker room at "The Pub" with his buddy Raz when he notices Raz has a huge penis. "Damn Raz, you're hung!" Hussy exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Hussy asked. "Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Hussyking agrees and the two say good bye.

A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Raz asks Hussy how his situation was Hussy replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco." "Crisco?!?" Raz burst out in tears of laughter , "No wonder man, Crisco's is shortening!"

click here for more

THE SIMPSONS
I'm sure someone will drop me a line and tell me how this really played out but best I can tell there was a competetion to win the house shown in these pics... a real life replica of the Simpons house...

Real Simpsons House - Real Simpsons House - Real Simpsons House - Real Simpsons House

Real Simpsons House - Real Simpsons House - Real Simpsons House

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says. "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a darn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks up to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?" She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "hellooooo... Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead?"

RANDOM SHITE

Some pretty wild stuff contained here within this week. What are you going to find? Well that's anyone guess...

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS - RS

click here for more
Click for more awesomeness

A bloke meets a woman in a bar, chats her up and goes back to her flat. After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery"

click here for more

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. They all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

LEGGY LANA

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana - Lana

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What can I say... I'm rooted. Thanks to the long weekend I didn't actually start putting this update together until Tuesday afternoon so which meant it was a hectic past few days trying to get everything done. That being said I hope it was worth the two week wait and I hope again that it's enough to get all you slackers through the next two!

On that note I'm outta here. Until next time be good, stay off the chem's and drop me a non-virus infected email. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.


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