I think I'm finally on
the tail end of what was probably the most unproductive two weeks
I have had for a very long time. Normally on the first week following
an update I spend time working on a few other small projects, cleaning
up and fixing shit around the site or getting shit prepared for
the next update. The next week is a four-day mad scramble to put
everything together which ends up looking a lot like what you are
surfing as you read this. Generally a good system that works quite
well for me.
Jump back a week and a half... it all kicked
off in the very early hours of Monday morning. I was abruptly awoken
in a nasty coughing fit which to expelling a rather pungent, liquidy
substance commonly known as vomit. The next two days were spent
in bed feeling sorry for myself as I suffered through the nasty
bug which is going around at the moment.
Hit Tuesday nite and I decide I may as well take
the opportunity to do a long overdue format of my computer. I have
no idea why I always think it'll be an easy process. Sure, it's
it's a piece of piss to format and reinstall Windows but the suck
factor rears its ugly head when time to reinstall the shit load
of programs, apps and tools I use from day to day. Still, now a
week and a half later I don't have everything set back up the way
it was and the stuff I do still isn't quite right. There's got to
be an easier way.
The whole fiasco reminded me that it's been almost
two years since I upgraded my computer... probably not that long
for most people but the old P4 2.2Ghz just aint cutting the mustard
these days. Sooner or later I'll have to upgrade which means another
format and reinstall of all my shit. Not looking forward to that
one bit I tell ya...
Back to my last couple of weeks... I've also
had to spend some time planning my best mate's buck's party for
this coming Saturday. The problem here is that I have only been
to one buck's in my life and that was almost ten years ago. I got
pretty much no idea what goes on at these things so hopefully it
turns out all good. If anyone has got any ideas for shit to do on
the day then please drop me an email because
we're a bit lost.
Obviously with the bucks being this weekend it
means there's the wedding in a couple of weeks. Two of my closest
friends are finally taking the plunge and walking down the aisle.
From the outside looking in its scary shit -
they're the first of my group of friends to do this so for me at
least, anticipation and anxiety levels are sky high. In my 26 years
on this planet I've only been to one wedding and that was attended
just as a guest. This time around I'm attending as one of the groomsmen
which means I have had the honour of giving a speech bestowed upon
Here's the weird part... every second week I
update this site. Every second week I write a blog such as the one
you're reading right now and in those two long weeks between updates
over 400,000 people log on and read what I've got to say. Now, can
anyone tell me why I'm feeling absolutely terrified of having to
stand up and give a speech to just 120 people? Let's hope I don't
completely fuck it up...
Oh... if any of you guy's reading this has had
to give a similar speech before then I'd LOVE it if you can forward
me a copy so I can get some ideas of what the hell I'm supposed
to say. Email me here.
I can think of two reasons why you
haven't checked out Revenge
TV yet. First up it's because you are new to the net and haven't
heard about what will long be remembered as one of the greatest
sites to ever be surfed. Secondly, because you are a spastic. This
is truly the ultimate revenge site - thousands of vids and pics
of ex's that managed to leave a jilted lover in their wake. How
does that jilted lover get his own back? Revenge
TV is how! Click
here to see what I mean...
Husband - The
Bush Presidency [A Retort] - Prycless
40 - Incase
You Were Wondering - Massterpieces
Feminization - Fucked
Up - No
Shark Fin Soup - Haliburton
Converter - My
ABC's - Colour
I've never really understood or for that matter
shared the urge to parade myself completely naked in public. I'm
mostly all for it so long as the paradee is young, hot and of course,
female... or at the very very least has a nice rack.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed,
about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says
to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with
one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger
Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went
to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says,
"I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something
"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh
yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and
do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes
back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to
the phone. "Now what are you doing?" She asks. The husband
says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh
yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and
do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed,
and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this
A man enters his favourite restaurant and sits
at his regular table. Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman
sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and
asks him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to her,
knowing that if she accepts it she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over
to the girl, saying, "This is from the gentleman over there,"
indicating him. She regards the wine coolly for a second and decides
to send a note over to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note
read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
After reading the note, the man decided to compose
one of his own in return. He handed it to the waiter and instructed
him to return this to the lady.
It read: "For your information - I happen
to have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche
Turbo in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the
bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off
three inches. Just send the bottle back."
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices
a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten
dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars
there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up
with the jar?" The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay
ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the
money." "What are the three tests?" "Pay first.
Those are the rules."
So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender
adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender says "Okay,
here's what you have to do... First you have to drink that whole
gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't
make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up
out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare
hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had
an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid
my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!"
"Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and
your money stays in the jar" comes the reply.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few,
he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of
tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are
streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people
inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams,
yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think
the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with
his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for
a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled
into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.
"I realise its terrible weather out there
and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,"
she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let
you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll
be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll
be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found
their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About
nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed
at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said
Bob. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed
about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And
did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died
and left me everything."
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for
advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day
when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, 'Scooby
dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"
She did this every day faithfully, and after
several months, it worked. She grew great boobies! One morning,
she was running late. She was on the bus, when she realised she
had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new
boobies and didn't want to lose them, she got up right in the middle
of the bus and said "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you
go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do! How
did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock..."
Even if you're a normal hetrosexual male
like myself I'm sure you're eyes will pop out of your head
when you see what this dude is packin'. There's no question
that he puts most of us to shame but if you could, would you
really wanna have a sword that big? For starters it completely
rules out being able to wear a thong which I for one would
H Christ: Massive Pole
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend
by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years.
No one knows for sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will
be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing
when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm
and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge). His health began to
rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations
were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school
for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
It declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but,
could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and
wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as
the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses;
Illegal aliens got driver's licenses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after
a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, His wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights
and I. M. A. Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few
realised he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not
join the majority and do nothing.
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A woman goes into a sports store to buy a rod
and reel for her grandson's 21st birthday. She doesn't know which
one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A check-out clerk is standing there wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell
me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am,
I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the
counter anyway. He says, "That's an eight-foot surf caster
Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta
400 reel, spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around
combination, and it's on sale this week for only $199.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell
all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take
it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
she is really embarrassed, but then realises it's not likely that
the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not even
know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll
be $254.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and
asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did
you get $254.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and
reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders
a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the
drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday
and it's today." The bartender says, "Well, since it's
your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to
her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch
with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left
says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman
says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender
says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying
of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're
my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however,
is a whole other issue."
The Pope was having a shower and although he
is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the
need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking
a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You
can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer.
"I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered
to buy the camera off the photographer and after lots of negotiation,
they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off
with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how
much did it cost you?" "Two million dollars" replied
the Pope. "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper,"
They must have seen you coming!"
A couple decide to try and track down the twins
they adopted out at birth 20 years ago. After many months they get
letters from both the twins. Juan was adopted out to a couple in
Mexico, and includes a photo of himself with his letter.
Amal ended up with a couple in Egypt, also sent
a letter but no photo. The woman was really happy to hear from the
twins - happy that they are healthy and have found families that
love them. But before too long she's crying.
"What's wrong?" her husband asks her. "It's just
that Juan sent a photo but Amal didn't" she replied. "I
don't see what the problem is," he says "They're identical
twins. If you've seen Juan you've seen Amal."
At one point during a game, the coach called
one of his 7 year old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little
boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what
matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together
as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm
sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse,
attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand
all that?" Again the little boy nodded.
The coach continued, "And when I call you
off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not
good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole', is it?''
Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now
go over there and explain all that to your mother."
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I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous
lady on our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a very
nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting
along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her
house and walked her to her front door.
Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company,
saying she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling rose.
She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not before
we arranged to see each other the following evening.
I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged,
walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to the door, opened
it and punched me right in the mouth. Somewhat surprised as one
would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that?
She replied, "After you dropped me home
last night I was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and
looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopaedia. It said that it
did not perform well in bed and suggested tying it to a wall or
Two Men are driving down the interstate when
one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles."
Neither one knows what it means and are both curious. The two men
take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate.
He quickly finds a professor to explain...
The driver asks "What does 'College of Logic'
mean?" Professor replies "Well, I can best answer your
question by asking you a question. Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Driver: "Yes, I do." Prof: "Well, then I can logically
assume that you have a yard."
Driver says "Yep, I have a very big yard."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."
Driver: "I have a very big house." Prof: "Then I
can logically assume that you have a family." Driver: "I
have a wife and two kids."
Prof says "Then I can logically assume that
you are heterosexual." Driver: "Yes Sir, straight as a
board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is
all about, thank you for your time."
Then the driver heads back out to the car to
continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger
asks about the school...
His mate questions "So, what's it all about?"
The driver says "Well, I can best answer your question by asking
you a question. Do you own a Lawn mower?" Passenger says "No."
"Then you're a fag!"
Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as
his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to
her triangle of hair and asks: "Mummy what's that?" Somewhat
flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge."
Content with her answer off he goes... Later
he runs into the living room and asks "Mummy may I play with
your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states
"Why, no you may not, I lost it." This pacifies him for
the moment and back out to play he goes.
Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mummy
I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother
asks "You did and where did you find it?" Johnny proudly
stated "The maids got it and she is washing Daddy's face with
Plenty of cool email for you all this week
as I try and clear some of the back log. Tell you one thing though
- it gets harder by the day to keep track of it all and sort the
good stuff from the stuff I have seen a million times before...
not to mention the plethora of viruses circulating the net at the
moment which makes it even worse. Anyway, if you've got something
you wanna see on the site or just got something to say then you
can drop me a line here.
Subject: Saddam's "Capture"
I'd like to congratulate you 1st on the
splendid job you do. A funny & provocative site, entertaining
& fun. Not your average site where the humor is weak
& the women skanks. You have the patience of a proverbial
saint to put up with all the Richard Helmuts (aka Dickheads)
who whinge & critique & hack. Kinda bummed on how
many people are missing the real story on Saddam's capture.
It appears to be another Bush photo-op. One of the few reputable
alternative news outlets that Bush has not destroyed in
Amerika is Democracy Now. They broke the news that Saddam
was actually captured by Kurds. He was then sold to Amerika
(sic) and locked in the spiderhole for his photo-op (sarcasm
implied). The 1st major news source to break the capture
was Iranian. They broke the story to Europe & Amerika
after Kurds had already been celebrating for 4 hours. Why
would Iranian news break an Amerikan capture 1st ? You would
think "imbedded" (ie lodged in a general's rectum)
reporters would have broke that story 1st. Just another
photo-op like George's plastic Thanksging turkey, or his
"war is over we got him" flight suit photo-op.
Whatever happened to the "Where's Waldo" Osama
game ? And if you're ever bored, check out the Project Censored
book series. University Profs research the top 25 censored
Amerikan news stories each year, and have been doing it
since '75. The 2003 edition has multiple stories from multiple
angles showing that Bush let 9/11 happen to further his
own personal agendas. INVASION ! Ya I sound like fruitcake
but feel free to check out, I know you are wordly &
wise. Apologize for the rant but I work in media, and am
ashamed that the US is a monarchy again. My bro currently
resides in Queensland, and if I can ever make it down I
hope to find u & buy you a cornucopia o' litres. Till
then don't let the bastards grind you down.
Subject: 1,000,000/min weapon
hey orsm did you know that weapon was
a aussie invention? http://www.metalstorm.com.
trade code is mst. some brisbane bloke made came up with
the idea of a electric gun with no moving parts in his backyard.
Subject: Regarding the 3 screenshots from "Who wants
to be a millionaire"
Hi there, Regarding the three screenshots
wants to be a millionaire" from Annette. They are
fakes. At the moment there are a lot of them around the
internet. First thing: There is a spelling mistake - "heisst"
instead of "heißt". Second: The graphics
don't look exactly the same as the originals - they look
somehow different. Third: They would never ask such questions.
Nevertheless some (younger) people living in Germany/Europe/-insert
the country you want- don't know things like the first name
of G.W.. But I think you can find those people all over
Subject: Some pics from an accident that just happened outside
thought you might find these interesting
- the driver of the van was trapped for about 40 minutes.
happened in auckland NZ outside one of the pubs - truck
driver going just a little too fast.
G'day mate, I caught your latest update
today. been in thailand for two weeks with the missus and
enjoying the shit out of lying on the beach, telling the
locals that i dont want to buy another fucking coconut or
another fucking sarong. anyway i saw the picture called
planet28. the missus and i live in japan, not too far from
where this picture is taken. I'm not sure where you got
the picture of Kiyomizu Temple (Possibly the most popular
temple in all of Kyoto), but its definitely been dodgied
up a bit. the picture i have attached to this email is the
one on your website and also a picture i took of the same
view in october last year. I will say that the image is
impressive, but obviously faked. Anyway, if you want any
info on japan (most of the stupid stuff if you like) let
My homie took this picture snowboarding
Why does whit like this never happen to me huh? Why!? -Orsm
Hey Mr Orsm. Your site is the best, keep
up the good work!!! My name is Sandra. And i have a bigger
brother that pisses me off all the time. So to take my revenge,
i found pics of his small dick!!!! Dont forget to put them
on your next update!!! XxXxX
Mr. ORSM, I find it necessary to send
you these pictures of my brother's ex-wife after a falling
out which included her ripping me off for $300. This might
sound like pocket-change, which it is, but that is really
beside the point because I would do this to her if it was
over 50 cents. She is a nasty bitch and reminds me of Jessie's
wife, just ask B.Y.Hova.
saw this at v8 supercar meeting in new
zealand. thought u might like to see it.
Hmmmm... give him points for trying I guess... -Orsm
Subject: interesting picture
I hope this gets on your site, I just
found it funny because I took this picture of a guy who
was playing bongo's and a didreodu, and he was smoking a
joint with cops right next to him, and the cops though it
was a rolled cigarette.
Bomb attacks on the British consulate
and the HSBC bank headquarters in Istanbul have left at
least 27 dead and up to 400 injured (for now). British Consul-General
Roger Guy Short was among 15 people kiled in the attack
to consulate in these pics you can see fires at HSBC headquarters
right after the blasts...
Subject: Somewhere Between The Stink And The Pink
Yo, Great site!!! Please post this pic!!!
This is some dirty little stripper whore from Raleigh, NC.!!!
I packed this little bitch's dooky all night!!! Then she
sucked the stank off my hang low until it was nice and shiny!!!!
What a fuckin great ass! -Orsm
Subject: from a loving fan
As a college student her in the states,
I feel its my obligation to give back to the scientific
community with some research of my own. That, and its winter
vacation, and I'm bored. So without forther delay, I present
the fruits of my grueling research, and wish you all the
best, Mr. Orsm: http://www.geocities.com/fairyinboots53//vegans.html
Subject: Something Missing...
Hi, Just wanna say, you've got an awesome
site, great porn, but the one thing that's missing is these
pics of my ex (low quality I know, taken with a phone cam).
Sadly, she dumped me, but my loss can be everyone's gain
if you share these pics with the world for me. Thanks.
Subject: Aeroplane Prangs
Hey Mr. ORSM. I've just bought a scanner
and I thought I'd share with everyone some pix I've taken
during the fourteen years I have spent working at Bankstown
Airport in Sydney. These were all taken during the first
half of the'90s, I have more recent ones as well which I'll
send later if you like. No-one was killed in any of these
incidents, in most cases the only injuries were to people's
egos and bank balances. Keep up the good work.
Subject: right vs left
Yes there is a man in this photograph.
Can you find the man within 3 seconds? According to medical
experiments: If you can find the Man's Head within 3 seconds,
your right brain is more developed than normal people. If
you can find the Man's Head within 1 minute, your right brain
is developed normally. If it takes you longer then a minute
you are a complete and utter spastic.
Subject: Read before u view the picture
The guy in the photo went to the Sundarbans
with his friends and he asked 1 of his friends to take his
picture in that very place. While his friend was taking
the picture he screamed and fainted, 2 days later he died
in the medical college. Doctors said he died because of
heart attack. When the photos were exposed, in the last
photo there was a lady standing right beside him even though
his friends claim that he was standing alone. Many people
said it is bullshit and the picture is the result of the
latest technology. However, the photo itself is very scary
and I'm sure you'll also feel the same way. Here you go
with the photo!!
Subject: F15 and P51
I forgot my camera but a guy at the Sheppard
Air Base Air Show we were at a while back emailed me a picture
of the F15 and P 51 flying in formation....the old and the
new...60 years of history between them....way cool !
|R. M. wrote:
Subject: check out this bike!
a bike i saw at this years laconia bike rally. thought you would
Dear Mr. Orsm, Please find attached a
picture of a piece of Lindt chocolate that I ate a few months
ago. I Bit into it and discovered a piece of human hair
was contained, at least 12 cm in length (although there
be more contained...) So anyway, I contaced Lindt and they
didn't give a toss, sent me 3 chocolate bars as compensation
and told me to sod off. Then they basically said that they
did not believe me that it was real. 2 of the 3 replacement
bars were off as well. Nice one. I just wanted you to put
this pic on your site (which i think is always interesting,
esp RS) to let everyone know that Lindt thinks the consumer
does not matter. They don't care. Maybe if sales slumped
a little in Au, then they might think twice before allowing
such a complete cock-up. If you are not sure if you want
to bother putting this on ur site, just imagine how gross
it would have been if it happened to you... Cheers mate.
A chemist walks into his shop to find a customer
leaning heavily against the wall. "What's wrong with that man?"
he asks his assistant. "Well," the assistant replies.
"He came in this morning to get something for his cough. I
couldn't find the cough syrup so I gave him an entire bottle of
"You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
splutters the chemist. "Yes, you can. Look at him... now he's
afraid to cough!"
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy
on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders
were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought
and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister
if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather
be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They
tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident.
She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident.
They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case.
They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see
a terribly upset Mrs. Jones. "Mrs. Jones?" the doctor
asks. "Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not
good news, I'm afraid your husband's accident resulted in two fractures
of his spine." "Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What
is the prognosis?"
"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his
vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll
have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to
feed him." Mrs. Jones begins to sob...
"And you'll have to turn him in his bed
every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mrs. Jones begins to
wail and cry loudly... "Then, of course," the doctor continued,
"you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his
bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five
times a day."
Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs,
wails... The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up
his faeces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his
sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm
afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation
of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably
and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the
shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead."
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd
like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What
sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth,"
the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "can
I thee her eyth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him
the horses eyes. "Nith eyth," says the dwarf, "can
I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show
him the horses teeth. "Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?"
the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but
again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nith eerth," he says "now can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep
inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before
pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head
and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... can I see her wun
WORST ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies
the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her
from afar, he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes
better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the
following Saturday evening.
Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at
her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement, she
answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry,"
she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and
I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I
finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, they are both
With this she ushers him in to the living room,
introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can
imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both parents are completely
silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching the soccer game,
and mum is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence,
mum suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down
her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly,
dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and
takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places
a match stick under each eye lid.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and
the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes,
the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls
down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Dad
leaps up and gives her one from behind and place two more match
sticks under his eyelids.
No sooner had they concluded this strange behaviour,
the daughter returns fully dressed for their date. The evening is
a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by
the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening, the
girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"It's not you," replied her date, "it's just that
the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am
still a bit shocked."
After pleading with him to explain in more detail,
the young man reluctantly recounts the story. "Well, first
your mother jumped from her chair and lifted up her skirt. She then
pulled down her panties and threw a glass of water over her behind."
"I see," said the girl.
The boy then says "your dad leant your mum
over the couch and did her from behind. He then sat back down and
placed match sticks under his eyelids." "Oh, is that all?"
replies the girl. The young man can't believe the casual response
to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mum was simply
saying, "Are you going to get this arsehole a drink?"
And dad replied "No, fuck you. I'm watching the match!"
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane
when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is
exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan
of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in
the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too
shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began
a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm
really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll
ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman
and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring
to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind...
my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that.
There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while,
then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I
think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course,"
said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were
in a pub, talking about their sons. "My son was born on St
George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously
decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked
the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously
we decided to call him Andrew." "That's incredible, what
a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing
happened with my son, Pancake."
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Sex Info 101
The Nun teaching church school was speaking to
her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question: "When
you die and go to heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Mary raised her hand and said, "I think
it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands?"
Mary replied, "... Because when you pray,
you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes
your hands first!" "Oh what a wonderful answer!"
the Nun said.
Little Harry raised his hand and said, "Sister,
I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest
look on her face. "Now, Little Harry, why do you think it would
be your legs?"
Little Harry said, "Well, I walked into
Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight
up in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Daddy hadn't of had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying
out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.
First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question"
"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want
to go to and why?" After pondering the question for a minute
she answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems
so interesting especially with all the recent news about possible
extra terrestrial life on the planet." They thanked the brunette
and said they'd get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA
people asked her the same question. She responds, "I would
like to go to Saturn to see all of its beautiful rings." Again,
a "thank you" and promise to get back to her.
Finally, the blonde enters the room and they
asked her the same question, they asked the brunette and the redhead.
She thinks for a while and replies; "I would like to go to
the sun because it's gold, just like my hair." Quite shocked
at her response, the people from NASA ask "Don't you know that
if you go to the sun you will burn to death?" The blonde smirked
and put her hands on her hips. "Are you guys dumb or something?
I'd go at night of course!"
Hussyking is showering up in a locker room at
"The Pub" with his buddy Raz when he notices Raz has a
huge penis. "Damn Raz, you're hung!" Hussy exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had
to work for it." "What do you mean?" Hussy asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each
night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually
made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Hussyking agrees
and the two say good bye.
A few weeks later the two are in the same locker
room and Raz asks Hussy how his situation was Hussy replied, "
I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I
lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told
you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, butter is expensive,
so I've been using Crisco." "Crisco?!?" Raz burst
out in tears of laughter , "No wonder man, Crisco's is shortening!"
A husband is at home watching a football game
when his wife interrupts, "honey, could you fix the light in
the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks
at her and says angrily, "fix the light? Now? Does it look
like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "fix the fridge door? Does it look like
I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says. "Then you could
at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a darn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps,"
he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on
my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going
to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple
hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and
decides to go home and help out. As he walks up to the house he
notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he
sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices
the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just
then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He
offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go
to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake
him?" She replied, "hellooooo... Do you see Sarah Lee
written on my forehead?"
A bloke meets a woman in a bar, chats her up
and goes back to her flat. After a long night of making love, he
notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He
begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously
asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping
to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well,
who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before
I was testing the children in my Sunday school
class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into
Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was
fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to
all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
I asked them again. They all answered, "NO!" I was just
bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how
can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU
GOTTA BE DEAD!"
What can I say... I'm rooted. Thanks to the long
weekend I didn't actually start putting this update together until
Tuesday afternoon so which meant it was a hectic past few days trying
to get everything done. That being said I hope it was worth the
two week wait and I hope again that it's enough to get all you slackers
through the next two!
On that note I'm outta here. Until next time
be good, stay off the chem's and drop me a non-virus infected email.
Enjoy. Mr. Orsm.